0:00:24 > 0:00:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Hello, good evening, guten Abend,
0:00:32 > 0:00:39bonsoir and welcome to the QI L series.
0:00:39 > 0:00:43And this is our L series animals show, so let's meet my lovelies.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47- The leonine Ross Noble. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:50 > 0:00:54- The larky Sarah Millican. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:57 > 0:01:02- Lounge lizard Colin Lane. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:04 > 0:01:07And the lesser-spotted Alan Davies.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Thank you.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17And here's what they sound like. Ross goes...
0:01:17 > 0:01:18LION ROARS
0:01:18 > 0:01:20A lion!
0:01:20 > 0:01:23- Sarah goes... - LARK SINGS
0:01:23 > 0:01:27A lark, or possibly a ringtone.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29And Colin goes...
0:01:29 > 0:01:32HOWLING CRY
0:01:34 > 0:01:36I thought YOU were supposed to have the worst one.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39See if you can guess what that is.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41- That was a human simulator. - It's an L.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43HOWLING CRY
0:01:43 > 0:01:45- MIMICS IN AUSSIE ACCENT:- "I never!"
0:01:47 > 0:01:49It's not a Melbourne housewife, no.
0:01:49 > 0:01:53It's a good score at Scrabble for a four-lettered animal.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56- Lynx.- Yes, it's a lynx. It's a lynx.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58And Alan, your sound is...
0:01:58 > 0:02:00'Stephen! Stephen! Listen to me!
0:02:00 > 0:02:02'I want points!'
0:02:02 > 0:02:03Right.
0:02:03 > 0:02:08Now, I've given each of you a penny in case you're caught short.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10- One of these. - TOILET FLUSHES
0:02:10 > 0:02:14Yes, because one of our questions tonight,
0:02:14 > 0:02:17as in throughout this series, will be a little bit lavatorial.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20So, if you think that the answer to the question
0:02:20 > 0:02:24concerns the lavatory, you get a chance to spend your penny.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26It's a joker card. All right.
0:02:26 > 0:02:31Now, what does the loneliest whale in the world sound like?
0:02:31 > 0:02:33LYNX BUZZER
0:02:33 > 0:02:34LAUGHTER
0:02:36 > 0:02:37That's amazing.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:40 > 0:02:43I was going to say Richard Littlejohn.
0:02:44 > 0:02:51Someone sent me a thing about blue whales, that they are really loud.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53They can make a noise of 180 decibels.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57It's the loudest noise any animal can make. All whales are loud.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01- It's louder than a plane taking off. - Oh, completely so.- Or a baby crying, or anything.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03- And it can be heard 500 miles away. - And further.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05In fact, the deeper it is, the further it sounds,
0:03:05 > 0:03:07and if it's very, very low-pitched...
0:03:07 > 0:03:11MIMICS WHALE SONG
0:03:11 > 0:03:13HE GETS LOUDER
0:03:15 > 0:03:18HE REACHES SCREAMING PITCH
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Somebody feed him!
0:03:21 > 0:03:23It's not even close.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28I don't know what that sounded like. I never want to hear it ever again.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31Your wife is a very lucky woman. Do you know that?
0:03:32 > 0:03:36Yeah, this particular whale, there's one, we don't actually know
0:03:36 > 0:03:40what species it is, because no-one's found it, but people have heard it.
0:03:40 > 0:03:41And it's very unusual
0:03:41 > 0:03:44because it's the highest-pitched whale that's ever been recorded
0:03:44 > 0:03:48by hydrophones, the microphones you pop down into the depths.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51- But how do they know it's lonely? - Because it's never been answered.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53- Aww!- But maybe it just likes spending time on its own.
0:03:53 > 0:03:58Maybe it's like singing in your kitchen in your nightie, maybe it's like that.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01There's a subtle difference between lonely and alone.
0:04:01 > 0:04:02That's very, very true, I agree.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Maybe he's just reading books and spending some time...
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Not reading books, I don't think we can go that far.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09MIMICS WHALE SONG
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Also, how do we know, if we've never seen it,
0:04:21 > 0:04:22how do we know that it is a whale?
0:04:22 > 0:04:26It might just be a couple of dolphins mucking about with a big shell.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28HE HOOTS
0:04:28 > 0:04:31"They're coming, they're coming." "No, nothing. No."
0:04:31 > 0:04:34"There's a whale over there, I think, but, then..."
0:04:34 > 0:04:36- HE HOOTS - No, I think...
0:04:36 > 0:04:38- That's the shell. - That's the shell.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40It's a conch. HE HOOTS
0:04:40 > 0:04:43I didn't think conch when you did that.
0:04:43 > 0:04:44Oh, dear!
0:04:44 > 0:04:47- Are you suggesting that I'm...? - I'm not suggesting anything.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Are you suggesting I'm somehow pleasuring a whale?!
0:04:50 > 0:04:52LAUGHTER
0:04:52 > 0:04:54The sperm whale's penis is about three metres long.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57Yeah, you'd need a bigger mouth than even you have got.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59LAUGHTER
0:05:07 > 0:05:10- Isn't it great how we are all so keen to be involved?- Absolutely.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12I'll have a go!
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Hang on a second, if we're all getting involved,
0:05:14 > 0:05:17I'll start here, have it all the way along the front.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Here, you hold it like that...
0:05:20 > 0:05:24Right, here you go. Right there we go, there we go!
0:05:24 > 0:05:28Heave ho! Heave ho!
0:05:28 > 0:05:29It's going to blow!
0:05:29 > 0:05:31LAUGHTER
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Oh, dear, dear, dear. Well...
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Where has it been heard, this...?
0:05:35 > 0:05:37It's generally believed that it is a blue
0:05:37 > 0:05:41or a fin whale and it's 52 hertz, which is a far higher register.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44We've actually got it, we can hear it.
0:05:44 > 0:05:45DEEP VIBRATING CALL
0:05:45 > 0:05:48That seems very deep to us, but that's actually the highest.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50It sounds like standing outside a nightclub.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52- Deeper ones travel much further. - HE MIMICS BEATBOX
0:05:52 > 0:05:54This is the Ministry of Sound.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Yeah.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58What time are you closing? We're trying to sleep.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Not with that shirt, mate. Members only.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03At home, you might not be able to hear that,
0:06:03 > 0:06:06because not all televisions can actually take that amount of bass.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09You probably haven't got a woofer at home, as I have.
0:06:09 > 0:06:10LAUGHTER
0:06:10 > 0:06:14And just on the issue of last creatures, not necessarily...
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Some people believe that rather than being a blue whale
0:06:16 > 0:06:19or a fin whale, it could actually be a whale
0:06:19 > 0:06:22that is a result of two different species of whale mating, a calf.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25A new kind of whale, and that it doesn't have a natural mate,
0:06:25 > 0:06:28because it's a sort of mutated voice.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32Well, the 52-hertz whale has a high-pitched voice and no mates.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Now, what's wild, horny, comes from Northeast England,
0:06:35 > 0:06:39and hasn't been touched by a man in 800 years?
0:06:39 > 0:06:42- Don't look at me! - I'm not looking at you!
0:06:42 > 0:06:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:45 > 0:06:46I wasn't!
0:06:48 > 0:06:50No, no, I was touched by a man...
0:06:50 > 0:06:51Well, eh, that was one.
0:06:51 > 0:06:55..on Tuesday last week. There you go.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57- Definitely not me. - That's one off the list.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01Is it...aaah!
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Watch this. I'm going to seem really smart if this works.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08Is it, is it the white cows? The Chllingham white cows?
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Whoa-ho! Yes, it is! Well done.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:07:15 > 0:07:17- Very good. Have you seen them? - I have seen them.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21There they are... In fact, as a boy, as I frolicked in the...
0:07:21 > 0:07:24That's where I'm from. I'm from the Northumberland...
0:07:24 > 0:07:26I'm up that neck of the woods.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29And then in the foot-and-mouth, everyone...
0:07:29 > 0:07:32"Oh, the white cows, they're all going to go!"
0:07:32 > 0:07:35And so they were quarantined off, and no-one was allowed near them,
0:07:35 > 0:07:38and it was all touch and go, touch and go...
0:07:38 > 0:07:40- Or NOT touch and go.- Yeah.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43That's right. They haven't been touched certainly for 100 years
0:07:43 > 0:07:45- and probably for much longer. - Well, when I was a kid,
0:07:45 > 0:07:47we used to ride 'em, so that's not true.
0:07:47 > 0:07:48LAUGHTER
0:07:48 > 0:07:50I shouldn't have said that on the telly.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52- Oh, please.- Depends what you mean by "touched".
0:07:52 > 0:07:55They are fed during the winter months.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58Hay is pitchforked over the enclosure and they eat that.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01But no-one has dared touch them. They are pretty feral,
0:08:01 > 0:08:05and from them are descended many of the cattle that we now know.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08They look very different now, but you can see the relationship.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Is that one cleaning out its nostril with its tongue?
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Yes. You could if you would.
0:08:13 > 0:08:14LAUGHTER
0:08:14 > 0:08:17- You mean the other way round. - Would if you could.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20That was all wrong. Yeah, the Chillingham cattle.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Do you know how many there are?
0:08:22 > 0:08:24- Er, 40?- There are about 100.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26- Ah, 100.- They have been going up.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Oh, yeah, when I saw them as a kid there was only 40.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33The harsh winter of '46/'47, they were down to 13 of them.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36but they've come back up to around 100, which is encouraging.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Again, incest seems to be best.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41- Er...- Not in that neck of the woods, I can assure you.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45The Chillingham cattle, as Ross knew, live wild
0:08:45 > 0:08:48and haven't been touched in 800 years. From livestock to larvae.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52What form of transport might a caterpillar use?
0:08:54 > 0:08:55Do they hitch onto things?
0:08:55 > 0:08:58They do. And I wonder what they hitch onto.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02Furry mammals. Furry mammals carry a lot of stuff about.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05They do, but in this case they use each other.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07- Aww!- They use a principle which is quite fun.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11The one that's on the bottom layer is going at a certain speed
0:09:11 > 0:09:13and the one above twice the speed,
0:09:13 > 0:09:16and the one above that thrice the speed.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19So all told, the whole group goes faster.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23And we've done a little experiment using stop-motion photography.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Some boot's going to come in in a minute. Splat!
0:09:26 > 0:09:30Awful, isn't it? But if you watch, we've got two yellow pieces there
0:09:30 > 0:09:33and they're both moving one step at a time.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35But you'll see the one on the top layer is going faster
0:09:35 > 0:09:38and the single one can't catch up with it.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40And that's the principle they use -
0:09:40 > 0:09:43that the top layer is going quicker.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45And so that's how caterpillars move at greater speed
0:09:45 > 0:09:47to get to where they need to be.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49- It's like a travelator. - The travelator.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53- Except when people get on the travelator, they slow right down. - So annoying.- It drives me mad.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57- When I get on a travelator, I really make the most of it. - Me too.- I accelerate.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00I love the way that the windows and everything just speed past you.
0:10:00 > 0:10:01Oh, it's fabulous.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03- Travelator!- Yeah.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06- People even on the travelator, they just stop.- I know!
0:10:06 > 0:10:10- Yes.- Yeah, but it's doing the moving for you, so you don't have to move.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13That's why we're a nation of morbid... Oh, dear...
0:10:13 > 0:10:15LAUGHTER
0:10:15 > 0:10:19Or if you have small children, they turn around and run the other way.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23- Yes, they will do that. - And then there's people coming and you're like...
0:10:23 > 0:10:26You have to do quite a lot of loud coughing and harrumphing
0:10:26 > 0:10:29and, "My flight's about to leave," sort of stuff,
0:10:29 > 0:10:30in order to get people to move across.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33It's just politeness to take one side of the travelator.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Or say, "GET OUT OF THE WAY!"
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Yes, all right. That's an option too.
0:10:37 > 0:10:41Anyway, moving from larvae on to adult Lepidoptera.
0:10:41 > 0:10:45What's a sure-fire way of telling two butterflies apart?
0:10:45 > 0:10:46Different colour wings.
0:10:46 > 0:10:52- ALARM BLARES - That would be true of those that were different colours.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54But suppose they looked identical?
0:10:54 > 0:10:57- Well, then, you can't. - And were different species or genus.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59- Then you can't. That's it. - Well, you might be able to.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01- Their breath.- Their breath!
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Is it the prettier they are, the stinkier their breath?
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Their address.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Their address, yes. That would do it.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12- Are they the same but different? - Their names.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15- They're all the same but they're not?- There are two genera
0:11:15 > 0:11:17of butterfly that look almost identical,
0:11:17 > 0:11:19and it's a type of evolution called Mullerian.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22There they are. And one of them tastes disgusting to birds,
0:11:22 > 0:11:24and the birds quite quickly learn that.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27- You just lick them?- Well, the birds did.- Just get a bird to lick it.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31And so the other one evolved to look as much like the one
0:11:31 > 0:11:34that's disgusting, without actually being disgusting.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Because it doesn't need to develop the disgusting taste,
0:11:37 > 0:11:41because the birds will assume that it IS disgusting.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44And this is a thing that happens in nature.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46- You look identical just to survive. - How smug must THEY be?
0:11:46 > 0:11:48- It's very, very good.- So smug.
0:11:48 > 0:11:52And also, the one on the right there seems to have a tiny roll
0:11:52 > 0:11:54of gaffer tape in its mouth.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56- It does, doesn't it? - LAUGHTER
0:11:56 > 0:11:59They're not even his real wings. He's made them.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01He's like that...
0:12:01 > 0:12:04"Look at that, I'm just like him. Come on."
0:12:04 > 0:12:06You go round the other side of that,
0:12:06 > 0:12:09that's all sticky-back plastic round there.
0:12:09 > 0:12:13But there is an answer to how you would tell the difference, and it's deeply personal.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16- Oh, it's the downstairs, is it? - You would look at their genitalia.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19And there's a truly great novelist of the 20th century,
0:12:19 > 0:12:22although English was his third language,
0:12:22 > 0:12:24and he was very good at sexing butterflies. Indeed...
0:12:24 > 0:12:27- Sexing?- Telling their...- Sexing.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31- ..telling their gender, examining their penises.- Sexing or texting? - Sexing.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35- Texting.- No, sexing. There is a collection at Harvard University of these tiny
0:12:35 > 0:12:39little phials filled with penises of butterflies that he collected.
0:12:39 > 0:12:43There he is. He lived in America, hence Harvard, but he was born in Russia
0:12:43 > 0:12:46and then moved to Paris from a rather nobby family.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48And his name was Vladimir Nabokov.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51But you must have heard of his most famous novel.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Yeah, 50 Shades Of Butterflies.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Come on.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57- Yeah, it was amazing. - Don't let us down.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59- Lolita. - Lolita, thank you, Alan. Yes.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03He wrote Lolita, amongst many other magnificent novels.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Operation Yewtree are all over him at the moment.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07LAUGHTER
0:13:08 > 0:13:11- "Lolita, light of my loins." - The Russian Yewtree.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13- And he collects the penises. - Well, he was a...
0:13:13 > 0:13:15But he's not bothered about the rest of it.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18He was an incredibly enthusiastic lepidopterist.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20And then he lets them go.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23- And he went, in fact, on index cards...- Without a penis!
0:13:25 > 0:13:28That's a butterfly that's had its penis removed by Vladimir Nabokov.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31I got it, I got it, it was really good, Alan.
0:13:31 > 0:13:35- Was his name...?- Stick to girls!
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Was his name Knob-off, did you say?
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Vladimir Knob-off.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43"Knob-off by name, knob-off by nature. I'll do anything.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46"Start with a butterfly, work my way up. Don't care."
0:13:46 > 0:13:49He was, as well as being a great writer,
0:13:49 > 0:13:51one of the finest lepidopterists of his time.
0:13:51 > 0:13:55He used his index cards, on which he wrote his scientific notes about Lepidoptera,
0:13:55 > 0:13:58to write the entire novel of Lolita, in fact, his most famous work.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02Did he try and collect all of the ladygardens of the butterflies?
0:14:02 > 0:14:04- LAUGHTER - That's a very good point.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08I don't know if he exclusively confined himself to the penises of butterflies,
0:14:08 > 0:14:11but I suppose they were the easiest bits to see in such a small insect.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13The wings are easier to see.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Well, yeah, no. When it comes to sexing, I mean.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Butterfly pubes, imagine that.
0:14:19 > 0:14:23Imagine a pillow - how soft would that pillow be?
0:14:23 > 0:14:25- Just filled with butterfly pubes. - Ohhh...
0:14:25 > 0:14:26He gave a very, very...
0:14:26 > 0:14:28LAUGHTER
0:14:28 > 0:14:31That's what... Not many people know this.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Not many people know this, but all of Stephen's suits
0:14:34 > 0:14:35are lined with butterfly penises.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37That's true.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39By the finest tailors in the land.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41- No, I do have... - Butterfly tailors, no less.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44That's right. Tiny moths come in.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47"Mr Fry, we have collected the butterfly pubes
0:14:47 > 0:14:49"of a million butterflies."
0:14:49 > 0:14:52They've been donated willingly.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54More than willingly.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57That's why he looks so comfortable on this show.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59See, look, he's even flapping like a butterfly.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03The power of the pubes are moving through the fine...
0:15:03 > 0:15:05LAUGHTER
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Look at him moving. There it goes again!
0:15:09 > 0:15:11The best way to tell butterflies apart
0:15:11 > 0:15:14is to look them straight in the genitals.
0:15:14 > 0:15:19Can you give me your impression of a puffer fish on the pull?
0:15:19 > 0:15:22LYNX BUZZER
0:15:22 > 0:15:23LAUGHTER
0:15:23 > 0:15:26That's the gift that keeps on giving.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Oh, you're puffing your face.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30They play down the puffiness, I reckon.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34They do. Well, what they do is play up some whole other skill,
0:15:34 > 0:15:37which is really astonishing, in order to attract a female.
0:15:37 > 0:15:41They turn themselves inside out. Fully inside out.
0:15:41 > 0:15:42I would be impressed by that.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45What, if a bloke came up to you in a nightclub and went,
0:15:45 > 0:15:47"Watch this, love!" Woomf -
0:15:47 > 0:15:49and his lungs and heart and all the rest...
0:15:49 > 0:15:52- I mean, I wouldn't hug him, but I'd be impressed.- Yeah.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Fish, like birds, as you probably know, the males tend to be more colourful
0:15:55 > 0:15:59- and put on a good show to attract females.- I did not know that. - Did you not?
0:15:59 > 0:16:01- I knew it about birds. - Hmm, beautiful plumage.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Has he just had a Slush Puppy?
0:16:03 > 0:16:05LAUGHTER
0:16:05 > 0:16:08A blue Slush Puppy. What he does...
0:16:08 > 0:16:11It was in such a big glass, he went like that, it's gone on his eyes.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13- Gone on his eyebrows. - LAUGHTER
0:16:13 > 0:16:16What they do is actually remarkable.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19If you watch what he does, at first you'll think it's just random,
0:16:19 > 0:16:21but then you'll go, "Oh, my goodness."
0:16:21 > 0:16:23It takes nine days for him to prepare this for the female.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26Is that just farting, what he's doing there?
0:16:26 > 0:16:29- LAUGHTER - No, that's... He turned, oh.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31- It's extraordinary.- Aww!
0:16:31 > 0:16:34- He's made this enormous crater with ridges.- He's made a lair.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Which are decorated with seashells. And it's there.
0:16:36 > 0:16:37WOMEN: Aaah!
0:16:37 > 0:16:41The ladies are so impressed. Is that what you want, a sand castle?
0:16:41 > 0:16:45No, I think their "aaah" was they were impressed.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48- Nine days' work to attract a female. - How many days?
0:16:48 > 0:16:50- Nine.- Hmm...
0:16:50 > 0:16:51LAUGHTER
0:16:51 > 0:16:55A lot of females say that. They go, "No, not good enough." It has to be absolutely perfect.
0:16:55 > 0:16:59And then when it is perfect, the female lays her eggs right in the middle.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03And he then fertilises them and looks after them for six days, just to protect them.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06That's nice, and then she can go back to work.
0:17:06 > 0:17:07Or go to another crater.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10No, the most amazing thing about that is, that's actually on the beach.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13That's not even under the water.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16- That would be... - It comes out, like that.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19Puts little flags in every ridge as well.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22It's...I won't say entirely unique, because we know
0:17:22 > 0:17:25so little about what goes on in the ocean, but it's one of the few
0:17:25 > 0:17:29we know which is quite so marvellous and distinctive, the puffer fish.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31But nine days is a long time. I mean, if you, Sarah...
0:17:31 > 0:17:34- It's not really, though, is it? - If she's worth it.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37I mean, when she comes in, she comes in and just goes,
0:17:37 > 0:17:39"Well, you've done that all wrong.
0:17:39 > 0:17:43"Been waiting six months for you to get that finished and it's wrong.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46"Do it again. I should have got somebody in to do it."
0:17:46 > 0:17:48LAUGHTER
0:17:48 > 0:17:51Anyway, the male puffer fish attracts his lady with
0:17:51 > 0:17:53a heart exhibition.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Now, what do we call a fish that drives a tank?
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Tank fish.
0:17:57 > 0:18:02You might call it tank fish, but when I say "we", I mean WE.
0:18:02 > 0:18:09What do we here at QI Central call a fish that drives a tank?
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Sir.
0:18:11 > 0:18:12ALARM BLARES
0:18:12 > 0:18:14LAUGHTER
0:18:14 > 0:18:15APPLAUSE
0:18:17 > 0:18:20That was a shock. We read you like a book.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24No, we're going to show you a fish driving a tank.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26- What?- Yes.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30So if my splendid porters can come on with a little tank tray...
0:18:30 > 0:18:33- The porters, ladies and gentlemen. - Yeah!
0:18:37 > 0:18:38There we are.
0:18:38 > 0:18:43So, we've got a tank and we've got a fish who's going to drive the tank.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45And there's our fish. He doesn't live here,
0:18:45 > 0:18:48I want you to know, this is just his transport system. And...
0:18:48 > 0:18:51This is, like, the poshest fairground ever.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Yeah. And if I turn on his little motor here...
0:18:54 > 0:18:58- So this is a fish tank tank. - And as soon as he moves, he will...
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Give him some food, or poke him with a biro.
0:19:00 > 0:19:06Every different direction he goes, he moves the tank.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08And, whoa, there you go.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Let's move you into the middle here.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13There you are, because you were getting all excited.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18There you are, a few ant's eggs for him,
0:19:18 > 0:19:20or whatever it is we feed him with.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Butterfly penises.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24- But you obviously want to know... - LAUGHTER
0:19:25 > 0:19:29I said, what do we call him? His name is Alan.
0:19:29 > 0:19:30LAUGHTER
0:19:30 > 0:19:34He's Alan the QI goldfish, and just to put your minds at rest,
0:19:34 > 0:19:37this is not his tank, he has a beautiful...
0:19:37 > 0:19:38It's MY tank.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Yeah, exactly. He has a beautiful place where he hangs out, which is
0:19:41 > 0:19:43full of wonderful toys and fronds.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46It's near Watford and he drives there himself every morning.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50Yeah, exactly. And you might like to meet our splendid elf Alex Bell,
0:19:50 > 0:19:53who built this particular contraption for Alan.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Come on, Alex.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:00 > 0:20:03- We mustn't... - Here we have the classic elf.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Absolutely.
0:20:05 > 0:20:09Educated to within an inch of his life. Smartly turned out.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11So how long did it take you to build this?
0:20:11 > 0:20:14A couple of days. It's made of Lego, completely, so...
0:20:14 > 0:20:16- It's entirely Lego? - Yeah, it's all Lego.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Can we race it against caterpillars? LAUGHTER
0:20:19 > 0:20:21And why did you make it?
0:20:21 > 0:20:24- Someone... - No, it's not rude, just asking.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26There's a Dutch company called Studio Dip,
0:20:26 > 0:20:29and they made a bigger version of this for a fish to live in,
0:20:29 > 0:20:31and we thought we'd have a go at making our own.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Did you build it over two days to attract girls?
0:20:34 > 0:20:36LAUGHTER
0:20:36 > 0:20:37APPLAUSE
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Sarah, are you impressed?
0:20:44 > 0:20:46It's working for me.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49I think the question that everyone wants to ask is that
0:20:49 > 0:20:53if you were to make a full-size version out of the Pope-mobile...
0:20:53 > 0:20:56LAUGHTER ..and the Pontiff was to swim very hard,
0:20:56 > 0:20:58could he...would that work?
0:20:58 > 0:21:01- Could we do that?- Yeah, probably.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Just to put at rest those who are wondering what
0:21:03 > 0:21:06the principle behind it is, when he swims forward, what happens exactly?
0:21:06 > 0:21:08There are four sensors, one in each corner,
0:21:08 > 0:21:11so whichever corner he goes to, it goes in that direction.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14- It's that simple, nothing to do with the pressure of the water?- No.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Would it be possible to build a giant one,
0:21:16 > 0:21:19put a dolphin in it that could swim up,
0:21:19 > 0:21:22do a somersault and then the whole vehicle could loop the loop?
0:21:22 > 0:21:24- Yes.- Theoretically, yes.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Let's do it.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28I shall pay for that out of my own pocket.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33- Are there future uses for this? - Maybe military, I think... - Military uses.
0:21:33 > 0:21:38- The British Army IS on its uppers. - Yeah, I think they'll probably be the only ones who'll fund it.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Well, it's very exciting for him.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42But I'm sure he wants to get back to his huge
0:21:42 > 0:21:44and very luxurious accommodation
0:21:44 > 0:21:48- in the QI offices.- He lives in a cistern.- I'll hand him over to you.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52- LAUGHTER - Thank you, Alan.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54- Thank you, Alan and Alex. - APPLAUSE
0:21:56 > 0:21:57That was very pleasing.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02- The porters! - APPLAUSE
0:22:03 > 0:22:09So, anyway, moving on. What has 32 brains and sucks?
0:22:10 > 0:22:14- The front row. - LAUGHTER
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Is there a creature that has 32 brains?
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Does an octopus have lots of brains in its tentacles?
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Yes, and genitalia at the end as well, if you remember.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24- Oh, yes, I do remember.- Really?
0:22:24 > 0:22:27- On one of them. - How do you know which one?
0:22:27 > 0:22:31- You'll soon find out. - LAUGHTER
0:22:32 > 0:22:36Get a few lagers into it. Wee-e-ey!
0:22:36 > 0:22:38But it's not an octopus.
0:22:38 > 0:22:42It is an animal that is associated with moist conditions, and...
0:22:42 > 0:22:43A slug.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46It looks rather like a slug.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Here's a thing you can do to test this particular animal.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51They've done it, they've filled a condom with blood
0:22:51 > 0:22:55- and dropped it in the water where these creatures...- Leech.- Yes!
0:22:55 > 0:22:59- And they've found... - People have done that intentionally? Filled a condom with blood?
0:22:59 > 0:23:04- In order to demonstrate how leeches..- Some intentionally.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06- Others accidentally. - LAUGHTER
0:23:06 > 0:23:07Exactly, exactly.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14"Are you all right in there?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah!"
0:23:14 > 0:23:16LAUGHTER
0:23:18 > 0:23:20"Don't flush it down the... No!"
0:23:21 > 0:23:23That's why it's always...
0:23:23 > 0:23:25LAUGHTER
0:23:30 > 0:23:31That's horrific.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33What it doesn't do is catch a leech,
0:23:33 > 0:23:36because leeches haven't evolved expecting humans to splash through
0:23:36 > 0:23:39the marshes, but they have expected other kinds of animal. And...
0:23:39 > 0:23:40A frog, perhaps?
0:23:40 > 0:23:42A frog is a perfect example.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45If you put the condom in covered in blood,
0:23:45 > 0:23:47leeches will not be attracted to it.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50If you just wipe the condom over a frog,
0:23:50 > 0:23:52and then drop it in, the leeches will go pha-doing!
0:23:52 > 0:23:56- Because they smell frog.- And the frog will be your friend for life.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59They go, pha-dong, boing! Wheee!
0:23:59 > 0:24:01- Exactly. They hop around.- Yeah.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04So we needn't be as afraid of leeches as we seem to be.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08So, the merest whiff of frog will lure a leech to lunch.
0:24:08 > 0:24:12But what part do Twiglets play in a mugger's lunch?
0:24:13 > 0:24:15We've been very literal with our picture.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Is that Annie Lennox?!
0:24:17 > 0:24:19LAUGHTER
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Is a "mugger's lunch" a euphemism for something?
0:24:22 > 0:24:24A mugger is a type of creature.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27- A mugger is a...- Lives in this kind of environment.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29- Is it a crocodile or...? - It is a crocodile, yes.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31A mugger crocodile.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33So it goes to parties...
0:24:33 > 0:24:36No, it's not a Twiglet, it is a twiglet in the most literal sense.
0:24:36 > 0:24:40- A little twig.- A stick.- A little stick.- It hides behind the...
0:24:40 > 0:24:43- Not behind it.- It's a very small... - It uses it as a tool.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46It uses it as a tool in order to entrap.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49- Like chopsticks.- Catches Hula-Hoops. - It catches wading birds
0:24:49 > 0:24:52who think, "I'm building my nest... Oh, look, there's a log
0:24:52 > 0:24:53"with some twigs on it!"
0:24:53 > 0:24:55No way. How stupid are birds?!
0:24:55 > 0:24:57LAUGHTER
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Tiny brains, haven't they? Tiny little brains.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01- Useless.- Tiny.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03They deserve to be eaten.
0:25:03 > 0:25:04LAUGHTER
0:25:04 > 0:25:07On the one hand, you think, "I'd love to be able to fly like a bird,"
0:25:07 > 0:25:11but you'd be an idiot. They always fly into windows and lorries...
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Crows are very intelligent. Crows, ravens...
0:25:13 > 0:25:17- Crows?!- Yeah.- What, right, here's a crow, swooping around.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19"Oh, yeah, that looks like a nice field!
0:25:19 > 0:25:21"Ooh, better not go in there..."
0:25:23 > 0:25:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:25 > 0:25:30"Oh, no, he's scary. He's clearly a trained assassin."
0:25:31 > 0:25:33It doesn't make any sense at all.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36At least set your scarecrow up like this.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40- Rrr!- Or just doing that, like that.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43Exactly. "I'll take you down."
0:25:43 > 0:25:46So that is one example of... It's the only example we know
0:25:46 > 0:25:49of a reptile using tools. And it's only a recent discovery.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52How does it get them on its head with its little hands?
0:25:52 > 0:25:54It cleverly manoeuvres. It doesn't use its hands.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57- Puts them in the water and does that?- It takes nine days.
0:25:57 > 0:25:58LAUGHTER
0:25:58 > 0:26:00I'm impressed by anything that takes nine days.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03He has to lie under a tree till a twig lands on his head.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05And then another, and then another.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07It's not the only animal, however, that uses...
0:26:07 > 0:26:10The principle is a lure. That lures other animals.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13You can see there's a type of snake, for example,
0:26:13 > 0:26:14that has a very clever lure.
0:26:14 > 0:26:18- Oh, it makes...- It pretends to be a worm!
0:26:18 > 0:26:20But look what happens. It's scary.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22The furry thing...
0:26:22 > 0:26:23Whoa!
0:26:23 > 0:26:25It's so quick.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28And it's eaten itself a nice little furry meal.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Because the furry thing thought, "Oh, there's a nice worm."
0:26:30 > 0:26:34And you can see, it pulls back, you can see what it's just eaten.
0:26:34 > 0:26:35- Oh, dear.- Oh, wow.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Some of the snakes do a similar thing, very clever.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41They'll pretend to be a draught excluder.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43LAUGHTER
0:26:46 > 0:26:50And then when the mouse approaches, they'll strike, like that,
0:26:50 > 0:26:52and... But the mouse gets the last laugh,
0:26:52 > 0:26:56cos it's not a mouse, it's an old lady's slippers!
0:26:57 > 0:26:59HE CHOKES DRYLY
0:26:59 > 0:27:01It's just a laughing Nana.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Aww.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06I ought to express my gratitude to the one and only
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Al the Viper Keeper for that footage.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10He's lent us that footage.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Anyway, crocodiles are the only reptiles known to use tools.
0:27:13 > 0:27:17Now, what's the most energetic thing that a slow-th, or sloth, ever does?
0:27:17 > 0:27:20Whichever you prefer.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23Oh, you're spending your penny. And you're right to!
0:27:23 > 0:27:25- Is it?- Yes. Well done.
0:27:25 > 0:27:26APPLAUSE
0:27:30 > 0:27:32- Going to the lavatory. - Going to the lavatory.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35They spend all their time in the trees except when they go down
0:27:35 > 0:27:38and use a communal lavatory, which they share.
0:27:38 > 0:27:42And this habit of sharing lavatories has given rise to some pretty
0:27:42 > 0:27:44- unpleasant...- Oh!- Somebody's missed the lavatory there.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46Well, I'm afraid it gets...
0:27:46 > 0:27:50- Go and wee on a friend. - It gets really, really worse.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52It's grim beyond believing, this,
0:27:52 > 0:27:57but at the Estacion Biologica Quebrada Blanco in Peru,
0:27:57 > 0:28:00which is a field research site in the Amazon,
0:28:00 > 0:28:02they observed very odd feeding habits of two-toed sloths.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05They were hanging upside down from the roof of the scientists'
0:28:05 > 0:28:09latrine, and they started to drop down into it
0:28:09 > 0:28:15and scoop up handfuls of human excrement and toilet paper,
0:28:15 > 0:28:18- and they would eat it.- ALL: Ugh!
0:28:18 > 0:28:21They even plunged into the pit itself, which you can see,
0:28:21 > 0:28:24and emerged covering, after a liquid lunch, in poo.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26The research paper noted, "It was scooping with one hand
0:28:26 > 0:28:30"from the semi-liquid manure, and then eating from the hand.
0:28:30 > 0:28:34"When more persons gathered around the latrine to watch this bizarre behaviour,
0:28:34 > 0:28:37"the sloth emerged from the latrine and climbed into the nearest tree."
0:28:37 > 0:28:41So it didn't like being watched. It might have been slightly ashamed.
0:28:41 > 0:28:44You know when the film Jaws came out and it was really terrifying
0:28:44 > 0:28:48to go to the toilet in case a shark came up and bit your bum...?
0:28:48 > 0:28:52- I don't remember feeling that, to be honest.- Maybe that was just our house.
0:28:52 > 0:28:55But now we've got to worry about sloths coming up and...
0:28:55 > 0:28:57- Clawing at your arse. Yeah. - Yeah.
0:28:57 > 0:29:01Well, it wouldn't do that, it would just sit there like that, going...
0:29:01 > 0:29:03LAUGHTER
0:29:06 > 0:29:09Hit me! Hit me! Ah, oh...
0:29:11 > 0:29:15- Oh, God!- As Supernanny would say, that was unacceptable.
0:29:15 > 0:29:18- Unacceptable, yeah. - I mean, dear...
0:29:18 > 0:29:23It must be hard for them to be both an animal and a deadly sin.
0:29:23 > 0:29:26- LAUGHTER - That's true. That's true.
0:29:26 > 0:29:29Because every morning they just go, "Ohhh..."
0:29:30 > 0:29:33Is it the sloth - I might be wrong here, you'll know -
0:29:33 > 0:29:37when they die, they stay in the trees, don't they?
0:29:37 > 0:29:39- Totally.- How long for?
0:29:39 > 0:29:42- Just for ever.- For ever? - Yeah.- Shut up!
0:29:42 > 0:29:45Honestly, they're like... they'll be like...
0:29:45 > 0:29:47- They'll rot away. - ..a skeleton, like just a...
0:29:47 > 0:29:49They'll be eaten, perhaps, by other things.
0:29:49 > 0:29:51- Yeah, but not the bones, just the outside.- Yeah.
0:29:51 > 0:29:54That's a hell of a way to find your nana, isn't it?
0:29:54 > 0:29:58That's how we found mine. In the local park.
0:29:58 > 0:30:01"What are you doing? Oh, no. Oh, God."
0:30:01 > 0:30:04She'd only gone on the climbing frame.
0:30:04 > 0:30:06Oh, dear. The only...
0:30:06 > 0:30:08Not really!
0:30:08 > 0:30:10Why...why did people go, "Ohhh"?
0:30:10 > 0:30:14As if my nan genuinely... "Oh, that's terrible."
0:30:14 > 0:30:18We don't know much about what goes on in the Northeast, but we hear things.
0:30:18 > 0:30:21LAUGHTER
0:30:21 > 0:30:23- Mainly from you.- Yes.
0:30:24 > 0:30:27So, the only reason, as Alan knew,
0:30:27 > 0:30:30that sloths ever move out of a tree is to spend a penny.
0:30:30 > 0:30:33But now it's time to wallow for a while in the filthy pile of ordure
0:30:33 > 0:30:37that we call General Ignorance, so fingers on buzzers, please.
0:30:37 > 0:30:40How can you tell your labradoodle is pleased to see you?
0:30:40 > 0:30:43Aren't they wonderful dogs? Yes.
0:30:43 > 0:30:44It's got an erection.
0:30:44 > 0:30:46LAUGHTER
0:30:51 > 0:30:53You mean it's got its lipstick out?
0:30:53 > 0:30:56Yeah. It's beetroot. It was always beetroot in our family.
0:30:56 > 0:30:58"Mam, it's got its beetroot out again!"
0:30:58 > 0:31:00Don't you think it's more like lipstick?
0:31:00 > 0:31:03I'm going to look next time a bit closer.
0:31:03 > 0:31:06- Is a labradoodle a cross between a Labrador and a poodle?- Yep!
0:31:06 > 0:31:09- Which is like a seeing-eye dog... - Yes.
0:31:09 > 0:31:13..and a poodle, which is like a fashion accessory dog.
0:31:13 > 0:31:16So it's like a dog to see with, and be seen with!
0:31:16 > 0:31:18Very well put!
0:31:18 > 0:31:22The labradoodle is not, like some people think, like an Etch-a-Sketch.
0:31:22 > 0:31:23Cos that's a magnadoodle, isn't it?
0:31:23 > 0:31:28- Aww, sweet.- A magnadoodle is a dog that just attracts spoons.
0:31:28 > 0:31:30Whoo!
0:31:30 > 0:31:33ROSS BARKS
0:31:33 > 0:31:36The point is, it's not just a labradoodle,
0:31:36 > 0:31:40it's all about dogs' expressions of pleasure to see their owners.
0:31:40 > 0:31:43And we know about tail-wagging, obviously,
0:31:43 > 0:31:45but tail-wagging is very subtle
0:31:45 > 0:31:47and it's really for signals to other dogs.
0:31:47 > 0:31:49But the answer is actually rather sweet.
0:31:49 > 0:31:52And you may, if you have dogs at home, check this out
0:31:52 > 0:31:55when you get home next after a little period of absence.
0:31:55 > 0:31:58It's very, very quick, so it has to use high-speed cameras,
0:31:58 > 0:32:01usually, to have found this out, but you may be able to see it.
0:32:01 > 0:32:05Your dog will welcome you by lifting its left eyebrow,
0:32:05 > 0:32:07if you are the owner and master of your dog, or mistress.
0:32:07 > 0:32:10And that is the rather touching thing. The left eyebrow goes up.
0:32:10 > 0:32:13- Very, very quickly.- How do you know it's not just being quizzical?
0:32:13 > 0:32:15Well, it only happens to their owners
0:32:15 > 0:32:18and it doesn't happen to strangers. You'd expect them
0:32:18 > 0:32:20to be more quizzical with people they hadn't met.
0:32:20 > 0:32:23- Mmm.- But with people they haven't met, there are other things.
0:32:23 > 0:32:26Their left ear will go back, for example.
0:32:26 > 0:32:29If it's an object they don't know, their right ear will go forward.
0:32:29 > 0:32:30So let me get this right.
0:32:30 > 0:32:33- Owner comes in, left eyebrow goes up.- Yeah.
0:32:33 > 0:32:36- Stranger comes in, ear goes that way.- Yeah.
0:32:36 > 0:32:40So if you were to get... If I was to come in the house,
0:32:40 > 0:32:43and then quickly get a stranger to come in,
0:32:43 > 0:32:45I could flip my dog.
0:32:45 > 0:32:47LAUGHTER
0:32:47 > 0:32:50What's it mean when it licks its willy?
0:32:50 > 0:32:52What does that mean?
0:32:52 > 0:32:55It just wants to have a good time, I should think.
0:32:55 > 0:32:57- I can't think of any other reason. - Noted.
0:32:57 > 0:33:02Yeah. So, dogs show they're pleased to see you by raising an eyebrow.
0:33:02 > 0:33:04Which cat never changes its spots?
0:33:06 > 0:33:08Well, now, see, I sense a trap.
0:33:08 > 0:33:10Do you?
0:33:10 > 0:33:12- LION BUZZER - Oh, lion.
0:33:12 > 0:33:15Is it the jaguar?
0:33:15 > 0:33:16Good.
0:33:16 > 0:33:20Because if you shave a jaguar, it's got that,
0:33:20 > 0:33:24the jaguar pattern on its skin, that's not its fur.
0:33:24 > 0:33:27So therefore, it doesn't matter how many times you shave it,
0:33:27 > 0:33:29the spots remain the same.
0:33:29 > 0:33:32Interesting. It's not the correct answer.
0:33:32 > 0:33:33All right, I'll be off, then.
0:33:33 > 0:33:36We avoided saying the leopard.
0:33:36 > 0:33:38Yes, because that was the trap I sensed.
0:33:38 > 0:33:41We can see a little leopard kitten, with its mother,
0:33:41 > 0:33:43and you can see the leopard kitten
0:33:43 > 0:33:45really does have quite tight spots, very close together,
0:33:45 > 0:33:48and the mother has what are called rosettes, which are very different.
0:33:48 > 0:33:50The animal actually is a lion
0:33:50 > 0:33:53and the spots are where its whiskers sprout from.
0:33:53 > 0:33:55And you can see those little lines of dots there.
0:33:55 > 0:33:58- Oh. Like it's been sniffing glue, like that.- They never change.
0:33:58 > 0:34:00They never ever change, so they're like fingerprints - you can
0:34:00 > 0:34:03identify a particular lion just by the array of its spots.
0:34:03 > 0:34:05You'd have to get very close to it, though.
0:34:05 > 0:34:07- And you wouldn't necessarily want to do that.- No.- No, exactly.
0:34:07 > 0:34:10So, it's lions, not leopards, that never change their spots.
0:34:10 > 0:34:13Which is the biggest of the big cats, though?
0:34:13 > 0:34:15- LION BUZZER - Yes, lion in first.
0:34:15 > 0:34:17Is it the jaguar?
0:34:17 > 0:34:21- LAUGHTER - No. Not even the V12. No, I'm afraid not.
0:34:21 > 0:34:23Any other thoughts?
0:34:23 > 0:34:25Well, the lion?
0:34:25 > 0:34:27ALARM BLARES
0:34:27 > 0:34:29- The leopard? No.- Panther?
0:34:29 > 0:34:32- The tiger, is it the tiger? - You're both half-right.
0:34:32 > 0:34:33- The cougar.- Oh, it's the...
0:34:33 > 0:34:36It's the labratiger. Labratiger.
0:34:36 > 0:34:37The labratiger!
0:34:37 > 0:34:41- The liger?- It is the liger, and the liger is composed of what?
0:34:41 > 0:34:44- A lion and a tiger. - But which gender round?
0:34:44 > 0:34:47The front half is a tiger. LAUGHTER
0:34:47 > 0:34:50The back half, it's like a dodgy safari salesman.
0:34:50 > 0:34:53- "Tell you what, mate, that's lovely, that's a lion, that is." - Cut and shove.
0:34:53 > 0:34:55- A male tiger and a female lion.- Yes.
0:34:55 > 0:34:57In both cases, they put the male first,
0:34:57 > 0:34:59so if it's a liger, it's a lion male and a tiger female.
0:34:59 > 0:35:03And if it's a tigon, then it's a male tiger and a female...
0:35:03 > 0:35:06- The best one is the zeraffe. Yeah. - Well...
0:35:06 > 0:35:09It's just got a zebra body and then a giraffe neck,
0:35:09 > 0:35:11and it's always falling forward.
0:35:11 > 0:35:13LAUGHTER
0:35:13 > 0:35:17There are zebroids, which are zebras crossed with all kinds of...
0:35:17 > 0:35:19Asteroids. Haemorrhoids.
0:35:19 > 0:35:21LAUGHTER
0:35:21 > 0:35:23- That's an example... - A dragon and a...
0:35:23 > 0:35:27That's a very extraordinary mixture. In January 2014,
0:35:27 > 0:35:31the first set of white ligers was born, and there they are.
0:35:31 > 0:35:35- Aww.- And they are possibly going to be the biggest big cats ever.
0:35:35 > 0:35:36They're already pretty huge.
0:35:36 > 0:35:39Looks like one of those things on the end of your bed with a zip
0:35:39 > 0:35:42- that you used to put your pyjamas in.- Yes!
0:35:42 > 0:35:43A footstool for All Saints.
0:35:43 > 0:35:45Haven't seen All Saints for years.
0:35:45 > 0:35:50Their, er, their diet is exclusively magicians.
0:35:50 > 0:35:52LAUGHTER
0:35:53 > 0:35:55So you get a zebroid, you get a wholfin...
0:35:55 > 0:35:58A wolf and a dolphin?!
0:35:58 > 0:35:59No!
0:35:59 > 0:36:03- Wh-olfin.- They howl out their blowholes.
0:36:03 > 0:36:06HE HOWLS
0:36:06 > 0:36:08The best one is a werewholfin.
0:36:08 > 0:36:11That's where every full moon,
0:36:11 > 0:36:13a wolf-dolphin leaps out of the sea
0:36:13 > 0:36:15and changes into a man.
0:36:15 > 0:36:19It's a mixture of what's known as a false killer whale
0:36:19 > 0:36:21and a bottlenose dolphin.
0:36:21 > 0:36:24There you are. There's only one in existence in captivity,
0:36:24 > 0:36:26but there have been others reported in the wild.
0:36:26 > 0:36:28They've been seen on the M1 in big tank cars.
0:36:28 > 0:36:30Indeed.
0:36:30 > 0:36:33So, good, excellent.
0:36:33 > 0:36:36That brings me to the scores. Let's leap to them.
0:36:36 > 0:36:37In last place, I'm afraid,
0:36:37 > 0:36:42he's come thousands of miles to be minus 20, it's Colin Lane.
0:36:42 > 0:36:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:36:48 > 0:36:51In third place, twice as good a score,
0:36:51 > 0:36:53but still minus 10, Sarah Millican.
0:36:53 > 0:36:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:36:57 > 0:37:00And minus 5, Alan Davies!
0:37:00 > 0:37:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:37:04 > 0:37:08Which means that our winner on a staggering plus 6 is Ross Noble!
0:37:08 > 0:37:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:37:16 > 0:37:19So, it's good night from Sarah, Ross, Colin, Alan and me.
0:37:19 > 0:37:22And I leave you with the last words of Noel Coward, of all people,
0:37:22 > 0:37:26and how sad they are - "Good night, my darlings, I'll see you tomorrow."
0:37:26 > 0:37:27Good night.
0:37:27 > 0:37:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE