0:00:26 > 0:00:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Go-o-ood evening,
0:00:32 > 0:00:34good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:34 > 0:00:37good evening, good evening, good evening and welcome to QI,
0:00:37 > 0:00:39where tonight lice, love handles
0:00:39 > 0:00:42and lingerie are all lumped together.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Let's meet the lacy Jimmy Carr.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you very much.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51The lusty Ronni Ancona.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:54 > 0:00:57The leggy David Mitchell.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:59 > 0:01:03And the lamentable Alan Davies.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:07 > 0:01:11Now, before we even begin with the first question,
0:01:11 > 0:01:14one of your buzzers has been investigated by the FBI.
0:01:14 > 0:01:18Let's listen to all of them and see if you can get some early points
0:01:18 > 0:01:20by guessing which one. Jimmy goes...
0:01:20 > 0:01:24# Lola, la-la-la-la, Lola... #
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Ronni goes...
0:01:26 > 0:01:29# Lay, lady, lay
0:01:29 > 0:01:33# Lay across my big brass bed... #
0:01:33 > 0:01:35David goes...
0:01:35 > 0:01:38# Louie Louie, oh, no
0:01:38 > 0:01:42# Gotta go Yi-yi-yi-yi-yi... #
0:01:42 > 0:01:44And Alan goes...
0:01:44 > 0:01:49# Little Willy really won't go home... #
0:01:49 > 0:01:53So, we've got Little Willy really won't go home.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Your song, do you recognise it?
0:01:55 > 0:01:58I did... I think I've heard those noises before,
0:01:58 > 0:02:02- but I couldn't put words to them. - You seem to know it?- Louie Louie.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04- Louie Louie.- Which I think was investigated by the FBI.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07- Aha!- Because I think they thought it was a drug reference.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10- They couldn't figure out what the song was about.- Worse than...
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Well, is it worse than drugs? No, it isn't, it's better than, well...
0:02:13 > 0:02:15- Sex.- Oh, it's a moral conundrum.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Is sex better or worse than drugs, when it comes to the FBI?
0:02:17 > 0:02:20- Well, it can... It can be better and worse.- Yeah, you're right.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24- Stephen, why can't we do both? - Yeah. One might assist the other.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27- What's sex again? Sorry.- Aw...
0:02:27 > 0:02:30So this is, the FBI investigated the song?
0:02:30 > 0:02:33- Yeah, they investigated Louie Louie. You.- Right.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37Yes, your song, because they thought it had very lewd references.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41We can see what the lyrics actually were.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51- Filth.- Yes. Well, that's what the lyric was.- Filth!
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Ban this filth!
0:02:53 > 0:02:57What they thought was being sung was...
0:03:02 > 0:03:05- And...- That's hysterical.- My God!
0:03:05 > 0:03:10- The weird thing is...- They wrote a song about my pre-show ritual, Ronni.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12The weird thing is, if you listen to it,
0:03:12 > 0:03:14you can see why they thought that.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17THE SONG PLAYS
0:03:20 > 0:03:22LAUGHTER
0:03:22 > 0:03:25It does sound like that, doesn't it?
0:03:25 > 0:03:27So, they investigated it, played it slowly,
0:03:27 > 0:03:29and they explained exactly what the lyrics were.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33It's one of those effects, where if you look at the right lyrics and hear it back again,
0:03:33 > 0:03:37- it does seem, "Oh, yes, I see what the words are."- Says more about them than it does about the artist.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Exactly. You're so right.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Well, that's early points then, for Jimmy Carr, who got that -
0:03:42 > 0:03:46- that the FBI investigated Louie Louie.- Yeah! Go, early points!
0:03:46 > 0:03:49APPLAUSE
0:03:50 > 0:03:54Points early doors. Right, let's begin.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58What did the man who invented the lava lamp do for leisure?
0:03:58 > 0:04:01- There he is. - That's John Malkovich.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03It does look a bit like John Malkovich.
0:04:03 > 0:04:04In a Hawaiian shirt.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Was he into women?
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Was he a lover man?
0:04:09 > 0:04:12- Well, he was like most men. - I can't believe I did that.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15- You know you said that out loud? - I know, I know, I know.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18- You said, "Was he a lover man?" out loud, just now.- I know.
0:04:18 > 0:04:19- They all heard.- Sorry.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Yeah, well, actually, I'm going to make a lava lamp...
0:04:22 > 0:04:25- Have you got one?- ..for your edification, pleasure and entertainment.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29I have here a little tube. This is actually a tube that usually
0:04:29 > 0:04:33contains tennis balls, and this is a mixture of vegetable oil and water.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36And I have here a little syringe.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Quite hard to mix, by the way, those two things.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Yeah, they are, because...
0:04:40 > 0:04:42They separate and... Don't they, David?
0:04:42 > 0:04:46- Yes...- Hello. So you pump the colour in.
0:04:46 > 0:04:47And I'm going to use Alka-Seltzer
0:04:47 > 0:04:52or any effervescent hangover cure pill will do.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54- And I...- Are you going to say, "Don't try this at home?"
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Well, you can, actually.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Honestly, it's not like Mentos, it's not going to explode.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01And cue light. There we go. Pop it on.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04- And, then, as the... - Oh, it's a beautiful thing.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06..effervescent works, it begins...
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Yeah, there we are, beginning to get the effect.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11There we are, the colour's now beginning to come into it.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13And you're getting a, sort of, lava lamp there.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Obviously, professionally, they're made more permanent.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18A lava lamp, ladies and gentlemen.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20APPLAUSE
0:05:20 > 0:05:24But you've all got the equipment, as it were,
0:05:24 > 0:05:26- so you can make one yourselves. - Oh, so exciting!
0:05:26 > 0:05:28- Aren't you lucky? - Yeah.- It's so exciting.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30- We've begun with the thrilling excitement.- Awesome.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Let's try and get it done quick.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35- Do you have to pay something to the format holders of the Generation Game?- Yeah.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39- It is a bit Generation Game, you're right.- Yeah.- OK, let's just...
0:05:39 > 0:05:42- What do we do with that? - We inject colour in, I think.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45- Inject colour. You've all got different colours to make it thrilling.- So...
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Don't put too much of the effervescent hangover cure...
0:05:47 > 0:05:51- Oh, I put all of it in. - Did you? Oh, no. Did you?
0:05:51 > 0:05:54- It's a slightly manic lava lamp. - Don't put too many pills in.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56And now just put a little of the...
0:05:56 > 0:05:57No, put loads in, it's brilliant.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59- Yeah, just put a little in, yeah. - Look at that!
0:05:59 > 0:06:02- Look at your bullshit lava lamp. - Mine has dried.
0:06:02 > 0:06:03Ours is so brilliant. Look at that!
0:06:03 > 0:06:06- Your lava lamp is...- Hey!- Give... Steal another one of the...
0:06:06 > 0:06:09- RONNI:- It's happening. It's all happening in our corner. - I can feed it.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11- Won't it explode now?- Hopefully.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14I can... No! No, you don't. No!
0:06:14 > 0:06:17You're no fun. Stick another one in, ours has gone mental.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20I'm a responsible adult, there has to be one on this programme.
0:06:20 > 0:06:21- RONNI:- Look at all these little balls.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25- DAVID:- I'm nervous of having them... - Stop saying that!
0:06:25 > 0:06:28- I've got rather...- This genuinely reminds me so much of school,
0:06:28 > 0:06:32when you said, "Don't put all the Alka-Seltzer in,"
0:06:32 > 0:06:35and then Alan said, "We're putting it all in," as a result.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37And I've gone along with him and now I'm frightened.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39You're the one in trouble.
0:06:39 > 0:06:43LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Is it going to blow?!
0:06:50 > 0:06:53- Sir? Sir?!- Sir?! Sir?!
0:06:53 > 0:06:55All right!
0:06:55 > 0:06:57- Sir?! Sir?!- All right!
0:06:57 > 0:06:58- All right.- Sir!
0:06:58 > 0:07:00All right.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03David Mitchell, you made me laugh.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05You made me laugh, David.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08- I've told you before... - You're in trouble!
0:07:08 > 0:07:10It's not funny.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12There's nothing funny about making people laugh.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14LAUGHTER
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Dear, oh, dear. I've got oily hands.
0:07:17 > 0:07:18Mitchell's taken the lid off, sir!
0:07:18 > 0:07:21Mitchell's taken the lid off, it's not sealed.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23This is most unfortunate.
0:07:24 > 0:07:25Are you...? Have you just...?
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Why haven't you got any little balls in yours?
0:07:27 > 0:07:29I beg your pardon?
0:07:29 > 0:07:32This is not how it was supposed to happen, at all.
0:07:32 > 0:07:33LAUGHTER
0:07:33 > 0:07:35I love how broad Stephen's remit is.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39That's industrial...
0:07:39 > 0:07:41APPLAUSE
0:07:44 > 0:07:47We all know why Alan has industrial strength tissues.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49LAUGHTER
0:07:51 > 0:07:53- RONNI:- You're not supposed to do that, Jimmy.
0:07:53 > 0:07:54Right, everybody put their trays away.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56- DAVID:- You've put gunk all on the eye.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Yeah. Rebel!
0:07:58 > 0:08:00So, well done with your lava lamps,
0:08:00 > 0:08:02he said, between gritted teeth.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05The inventor was Edward Craven Walker,
0:08:05 > 0:08:08who was born in 1918 and died in the year 2000.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10I asked you at the very beginning
0:08:10 > 0:08:13what his other leisure pursuits were.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Let me read you what he said about the lava lamp.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19He said, "It starts from nothing, grows possibly a little feminine,
0:08:19 > 0:08:21"then a little bit masculine, then breaks up and has children.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24"It's a sexy thing."
0:08:24 > 0:08:26He was having a "lava", wasn't he?
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Sorry, I can't believe I did that again.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32- Don't look at me like that. - Don't punish yourself, it's fine.
0:08:32 > 0:08:33Not angry, I'm just disappointed.
0:08:33 > 0:08:34LAUGHTER
0:08:34 > 0:08:37He thought it was like he'd made an organism.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39- A sort of lovely, sexy thing.- Yeah.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42And he was that kind of a man, I'm afraid.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Was he a swinger? Was he one of the swingers?
0:08:45 > 0:08:46- He was pretty much a swinger. - Oh, was he?
0:08:46 > 0:08:50He directed nudist films.
0:08:50 > 0:08:51- Nudist films?- Yeah.
0:08:51 > 0:08:52He was a nudist, was he?
0:08:52 > 0:08:55His were "nat-urist" films, yes, or naturist, depending on how...
0:08:55 > 0:08:57The fact that that was his hobby,
0:08:57 > 0:08:59did he not turn a profit on the porn?
0:08:59 > 0:09:01It wasn't porn...
0:09:01 > 0:09:03He had to subsidise his porn-making habit
0:09:03 > 0:09:05with his lava lamp business.
0:09:05 > 0:09:06LAUGHTER
0:09:06 > 0:09:10He got the first naturist film that was on public release.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12- That's the point. - That's not how you do it!
0:09:12 > 0:09:13LAUGHTER
0:09:13 > 0:09:16It's not porn. It's about people being naked.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18And this was a ballet underwater.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22- Vulcans do it like that. - Do they?- Yes.- Do they?
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Is that one of his? Is that a still from one of his?
0:09:24 > 0:09:26No, actually, we've made that up, apparently.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28- Are those members of the production team?- Yes.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30LAUGHTER
0:09:30 > 0:09:32I don't think they're being paid enough to have to do that.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34A couple of our elves...relaxing.
0:09:34 > 0:09:35When you say the QI elves,
0:09:35 > 0:09:37that's not the image that springs into my mind.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40You think of sun-starved, specky creatures who are researching.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43I don't want to be unkind, but, yes, I do.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Not a male and a female trying to do some sort of scissor sisters action.
0:09:46 > 0:09:51Well, Edward Craven Walker founded the largest nudist colony in Britain, too, or one of the largest.
0:09:51 > 0:09:52Milton Keynes!
0:09:52 > 0:09:53LAUGHTER
0:09:53 > 0:09:57Do you know the name of the company that still sells the lava lamps?
0:09:57 > 0:09:58His company?
0:09:58 > 0:10:03- It begins with... Something to do... It's Math...- Mathmos?
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Mathmos. Share the points between you.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09- Do you know where that name comes from?- Mathmos?- Yeah.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12- The film starring Jane Fonda. - Ooh!- Barbarellis?
0:10:12 > 0:10:15- Barbarella.- Oh, yes!- Barbarella.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Yes, it was a seething lake of oily substances.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20- And Duran Duran comes in that movie as well?- It does, absolutely.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24The city of Sogo in Barbarella had this lake of Mathmos.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27At school, we used to call people who were good at maths "math-mos".
0:10:27 > 0:10:30- That's right, that's still used. - Just a different pronunciation?
0:10:30 > 0:10:33I like the idea at school you looked down on anyone.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36- Like, "Good at maths, bloody idiots!"- No, I-I...
0:10:36 > 0:10:39I deemed it a term of respect.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41LAUGHTER
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Were they calling you mathmos?
0:10:43 > 0:10:48- Wear your mathmo badge with pride! And they did wear badges.- Yeah?
0:10:48 > 0:10:52- Did they?- You DID wear badges! - I collected badges!
0:10:52 > 0:10:53- RONNI:- Did you?- Aww!
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Yeah, cos you go to, like, Warwick Castle and London Zoo,
0:10:56 > 0:10:59and in order for the Western economy to prosper,
0:10:59 > 0:11:02small children have to buy pointless objects.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05In all of these places, you could buy a bookmark,
0:11:05 > 0:11:08- you could buy a paperweight... - A pencil-topper!
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Exactly. Or you could buy a badge.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12And I always bought a badge,
0:11:12 > 0:11:14and that's how I expressed my personality.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16LAUGHTER
0:11:18 > 0:11:20I didn't have to think, "What shall I buy? Ooh..."
0:11:20 > 0:11:23No, didn't have to think. I always buy a badge.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27It took him ages to take them all off before we came on here as well!
0:11:29 > 0:11:34Now, how can I make sure that I dream about scantily clad women?
0:11:34 > 0:11:38Does it work to look at a scantily-clad woman just before you go to sleep?
0:11:38 > 0:11:40You're along the right lines, yes.
0:11:40 > 0:11:46There was a Frenchman with the marvellous name of Marie-Jean-Leon Lecoq, the Marquis d'Hervey...
0:11:46 > 0:11:48- "Lay-on The Cock"?- Leon Lecoq.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50LAUGHTER
0:11:50 > 0:11:54He was the Marquis d'Hervey de Saint-Denys, and he was a beardy old Victorian aristocrat,
0:11:54 > 0:11:57as you can see from this picture of him. There he is, with his medals.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59I thought you were going to say "pervert" there.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02- "Beardy old Victorian pervert." - His technique...
0:12:02 > 0:12:04What are the medals for?!
0:12:04 > 0:12:06He's looking at a scantily-clad lady right there.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08I can tell you what they are.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10The first one, he went to Warwick Castle...
0:12:10 > 0:12:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:12 > 0:12:16..the next one was London Zoo. That's a pencil-topper.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23He was very much the French David Mitchell of his age.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26So, what was his technique for dreaming of scantily-clad women?
0:12:26 > 0:12:30Well, what he would do is he would paint a scantily-clad woman
0:12:30 > 0:12:33all day while chewing an orris root.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Orris root is used in potpourris and perfumes and such things.
0:12:36 > 0:12:41And then he would go to sleep and his servant would place,
0:12:41 > 0:12:45while he was asleep, some orris root in his mouth, very gently.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48And this would summon up the memory of scantily clad women
0:12:48 > 0:12:51and he would have what is known, technically, as a lucid dream.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55A dream which you are aware of and which you have a kind of control over. A bit like...
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Presumably, it was an improvement for the servant on what
0:12:58 > 0:13:00he was previously asked to do.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02LAUGHTER
0:13:02 > 0:13:03Yes, I imagine so!
0:13:03 > 0:13:06But there are ways you can do this for yourself without a servant,
0:13:06 > 0:13:08according to Richard Wiseman,
0:13:08 > 0:13:10who has written a new book called Night School.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14And one of them is you check your watch regularly,
0:13:14 > 0:13:16as much as you can, being absolutely sure to
0:13:16 > 0:13:19look at the numbers, the numerals on the watch, throughout the day.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Right.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24And this is likely to cause you to dream of yourself
0:13:24 > 0:13:26looking at the watch when you're asleep.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28But you won't be able to see the numbers properly.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32And this forces you, somehow, to be aware that you're in a dream.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35You kind of know you're looking for the numbers and they're not there,
0:13:35 > 0:13:38and that kind of puts you in control in the sort of Holodeck
0:13:38 > 0:13:40of your dream, as it were.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44- I can see a very serious flaw in this man's plan.- Yes?
0:13:44 > 0:13:46What happens if, one day, when you're awake,
0:13:46 > 0:13:50you put on a watch that doesn't have numbers, just has little lines.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53You look at it later in the day and you think,
0:13:53 > 0:13:55- "Oh, brilliant, I'm in a dream!" - LAUGHTER
0:13:55 > 0:13:58"I can do what I like! I'm not really at work.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02"The receptionist from work isn't really here. I can do what I like!"
0:14:02 > 0:14:03It could be like Terry-Thomas,
0:14:03 > 0:14:06- and call Sir Dennis an "old buffoon".- Exactly!
0:14:06 > 0:14:10The people will be calling each other "old buffoons" all the time before you know it.
0:14:10 > 0:14:15I imagine, in that scenario, you woke up in the office, you thought, "Oh, I'm in a dream."
0:14:15 > 0:14:17I imagine you would quietly get on with your work.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19LAUGHTER
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Sad to say, but I think that's what would happen!
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Apparently, 50% of us have had a lucid dream, in that sense,
0:14:25 > 0:14:27in our lives.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30And you're more likely to have one if you are a computer gamer as well.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Which is perhaps not surprising, spending your time...
0:14:33 > 0:14:35sort of, you know, Grand-Thefting.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37LAUGHTER
0:14:37 > 0:14:38Now, on to lingerie.
0:14:38 > 0:14:42Whom did your great-great- great-great-grandmother
0:14:42 > 0:14:43throw her pants at?
0:14:43 > 0:14:46- Great-great... How many greats? - Four greats and a grandmother.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49- Great-great-great-great-grandmother. - That's...Victorian.- Yeah.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52If that's Scouse, though, that could be the '70s.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54LAUGHTER
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Oh! Ohh!
0:14:56 > 0:14:58APPLAUSE
0:14:58 > 0:14:59What?!
0:15:02 > 0:15:05- I love the way you go, "What?!" - I think they'll be all right.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07They've got a sense of humour, don't panic!
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Could you do the next five minutes in a Scouse voice,
0:15:09 > 0:15:11so that we won't get letters of complaint?
0:15:11 > 0:15:13- SCOUSE ACCENT:- OK. OK, then.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15What were you going to say?
0:15:15 > 0:15:19SCOUSE ACCENT: Oh, I want some chicken and a can of Coke.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21I can do only Scouse if I say...
0:15:21 > 0:15:24SCOUSE ACCENT: ..I want some chicken and a can of Coke.
0:15:24 > 0:15:28That's what they say, isn't it? Sorry, no! No, no!
0:15:28 > 0:15:32- DAVID:- Let's get on to something... - Disgraceful. Disgraceful.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Let's get on to Israel or something less contentious.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36LAUGHTER
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Would it have been kind of, like, at the time... So we're talking...
0:15:39 > 0:15:42- that would be about 1850? - Yeah, early Victorian era.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Early Victorian. So, didn't they get...?
0:15:44 > 0:15:45Their celebrities at the time
0:15:45 > 0:15:47were people who were doing useful things,
0:15:47 > 0:15:50- like Isambard Kingdom Brunel, or someone?- No.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53- RP ACCENT:- No-one does suspension like him.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55I love his cantilevers.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58I love the fact that your great-great-great-great-grandmother
0:15:58 > 0:16:00- was always old. - Yeah, I don't know why I did that.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Even when she was throwing her knickers at people,
0:16:02 > 0:16:04she was an old lady.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06I don't know... It was a celebrity of the time?
0:16:06 > 0:16:07He was a celebrity.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10And the most famous pant-throwing receptor was Tom Jones,
0:16:10 > 0:16:14or is Tom Jones, of course - still very much alive and booming.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16What do you mean, "still very much alive"?
0:16:16 > 0:16:17Have you not seen The Voice?
0:16:17 > 0:16:20LAUGHTER
0:16:20 > 0:16:22I don't get this phenomenon of throwing your pants at someone,
0:16:22 > 0:16:25because at what point... Do you go out with extra pants?
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Do you, literally, go, "I've got the car keys, travel card,
0:16:28 > 0:16:30"pants on, pants to throw?"
0:16:30 > 0:16:32The gesture is meaningless
0:16:32 > 0:16:34unless they're the pants you were wearing for functional reasons.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37If you've just brought a bag of other pants,
0:16:37 > 0:16:39- then it might as well be a term of abuse.- Yeah.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41But what if it's David Cassidy?
0:16:41 > 0:16:43What if you've got flares on, David,
0:16:43 > 0:16:45and you're watching a David Cassidy thing,
0:16:45 > 0:16:48do you take them off down one leg or do you take them all off?
0:16:48 > 0:16:49We still haven't clearly approached...
0:16:49 > 0:16:51- DAVID:- Garibaldi. - Not Garibaldi.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53You're in the right area with music.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56- He was popular, Garibaldi. - Yes, but he wasn't a musician!
0:16:56 > 0:16:57- Oh, music. Oh, right. - Oh, is it a composer?
0:16:57 > 0:17:00- Bourbon. Custard cream. - A composer, but a performer,
0:17:00 > 0:17:02- the most extraordinary performer of his day.- Liszt!
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Franz Liszt is the right answer.
0:17:04 > 0:17:05Absolutely. Well done.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07- APPLAUSE - Phew. We got there.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12It looks more as if he'd been attacked by a swarm of bees,
0:17:12 > 0:17:14but that is supposed to indicate ladies
0:17:14 > 0:17:16and their husbands trying to restrain them.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18These women - some of them fainting, throwing kisses -
0:17:18 > 0:17:21you can see, they're absolutely rapturous.
0:17:21 > 0:17:26And they were completely astounded by this man, his virtuosity.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Was he as good as Liberace...?
0:17:30 > 0:17:31I knew that would upset him.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Look at him - he's livid.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37He was an astounding composer as well as a remarkable pianist.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39And, of course, he was exploiting the new developments in pianos
0:17:39 > 0:17:41and the arrival of the pianoforte
0:17:41 > 0:17:43as opposed to the fortepiano, which preceded it.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47And he was remarkable for many other reasons, as well.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50He had affairs with a lot of people, including Lola Montez.
0:17:50 > 0:17:51Do you know of Lola Montez?
0:17:51 > 0:17:53An extraordinary Irish woman who'd had an affair
0:17:53 > 0:17:57with Ludwig of Bavaria and caused a revolution in Bavaria, in fact.
0:17:57 > 0:17:58There she is.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01And then, amazingly, Liszt became an abbe -
0:18:01 > 0:18:03an abbot, essentially. A man of the cloth.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05"He is very thin and tall," Charles Halle said.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07"He has perfectly lank hair so long
0:18:07 > 0:18:10"that it spreads over his shoulders, which looks very odd.
0:18:10 > 0:18:11"When he gets excited and gesticulates,
0:18:11 > 0:18:14"it falls right over his face and one sees nothing of his nose."
0:18:14 > 0:18:17So, he was like an old English sheepdog, perhaps, in that sense.
0:18:17 > 0:18:18He had Olga Janina,
0:18:18 > 0:18:21who was a former pupil with whom he'd had a fling,
0:18:21 > 0:18:22who pursued him all over Europe
0:18:22 > 0:18:25and eventually got so upset and hysterical
0:18:25 > 0:18:28that she stalked him and tried to stab him and committed suicide.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30So, he really, you know, was a star.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32I mean, a real, real star in the most extraordinary way.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34It's a very odd thing, that.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36The guy that killed John Lennon was such a huge fan of John Lennon.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38It's a very weird thing when people get so...
0:18:38 > 0:18:40"For each man kills the thing he loves."
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Let this be known.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44The brave man does it with the sword, the coward, etc.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47- How many fans have you got, Jimmy? - Not enough to be worried.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49LAUGHTER
0:18:49 > 0:18:51It's a lovely level of fame, a comedian, I think.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53People come up and tell you jokes all day, which is very pleasant,
0:18:53 > 0:18:56but no-one's ever outside your house going,
0:18:56 > 0:18:57"I made you a cake."
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Well, there's always the Daily Mail, Jimmy - they're always outside.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06They're happy.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09So, yeah, the ladies went loopy for Liszt,
0:19:09 > 0:19:10the Justin Bieber of his day.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13That's hardly right, come on, but you know what I mean.
0:19:13 > 0:19:14All right, Harry Styles.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17Stop it. He was a genius. Total genius.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Now for a game of Spot The Leaf.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21I want you to tell me how many leaves are in this picture.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Oh, that's going to be easy.
0:19:23 > 0:19:24# Lay, lady, lay... #
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Six? Six...
0:19:26 > 0:19:28- ALARM BLARES - Oh!
0:19:29 > 0:19:31It's going to be five and a creepy-crawly.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Five and a creepy-crawly is the right...
0:19:33 > 0:19:36Creepy-crawly is the technical term. He is pretty good, though, isn't he?
0:19:36 > 0:19:38He is very impressive.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Even with the little, sort of, disease marks.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42And you'll see - we have film of him -
0:19:42 > 0:19:44he, kind of, waves in the wind, like a leaf.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Insects, of course, get eaten whole by birds,
0:19:46 > 0:19:49and so his strategy is to look like that. But the problem is,
0:19:49 > 0:19:53he occasionally gets bits of himself nibbled by caterpillars. So...
0:19:53 > 0:19:56So you've got to be a bit careful when the you're looking like a leaf.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59I imagine the caterpillar's livid. It's going, "I'm a vegetarian!"
0:19:59 > 0:20:00Well, that's it, exactly.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03They take one bite and go, "Eugh, that's not what I wanted at all!
0:20:03 > 0:20:06- What does HE eat? - Good point. I think he eats leaves.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08- So he looks like his own lunch?- Yes!
0:20:08 > 0:20:11- LAUGHTER - That would disturb me, if I...
0:20:11 > 0:20:15- That's what you call being hoisted by your own petard, that is.- Definitely.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18If I looked at myself in the mirror and I looked like some delicious mashed potato...
0:20:18 > 0:20:21- In a way, I do. - LAUGHTER
0:20:21 > 0:20:24It's not... Doesn't do my self-esteem any good.
0:20:24 > 0:20:29- You think he ever looks at his wife and goes, "Oh, she looks amazing." - "Tasty! Very tasty!"
0:20:29 > 0:20:33- "I'm ravenous."- It's Phylliidae, called walking leaves, leaf insects, many other things.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35They are found in southeast Asia and Australia.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38But we have also the satanic leaf-tailed gecko,
0:20:38 > 0:20:40which looks like an autumnal leaf.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43- SHE GASPS - That is extraordinary!
0:20:43 > 0:20:47Because it's in the dry deciduous forests of Madagascar. And there...
0:20:47 > 0:20:50- It curls up like a curled up leaf. - That's amazing.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53- But can he only come out in autumn? - Well, it's an interesting point.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55I've been to the deciduous forests of Madagascar.
0:20:55 > 0:20:59It was in the summer, and there was so much dead litter on the ground.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02- It's dry, they are dry forests. - Yeah.- So I think he's probably...
0:21:02 > 0:21:05All year round, it's kind of OK to be on this, kind of, stuff...
0:21:05 > 0:21:07There he is. Amazing, really.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10- Either that, or living in the '70s, he'd be fine.- Yeah, he would.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13Or, they don't exist and someone has drawn eyes on a leaf.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16LAUGHTER It's worth considering that.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Now, rather astonishingly,
0:21:18 > 0:21:21there's a plant that is a master of disguise.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24- See if you can spot which plant. - Looks like a badger!
0:21:24 > 0:21:25LAUGHTER
0:21:25 > 0:21:29I would say, if it's trying to not look like a plant, it's failed.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31LAUGHTER
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Does it look like another planet? Is that what it's doing?
0:21:35 > 0:21:38That's it. One of those leaves is actually a totally different species
0:21:38 > 0:21:41and it has made itself look like that species.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43There it is, the arrow's pointing at it.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46It's only recently been discovered that it's a totally different species.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49I think the point is, it tries to look like a leaf
0:21:49 > 0:21:51that isn't very digestible or pleasant.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Because it itself is,
0:21:53 > 0:21:56and so it has learnt how to look like something that is not tasty.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Why didn't it learn not to be tasty?
0:21:58 > 0:22:00LAUGHTER
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Well, the deliciousness is a given, but...
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Evolution...
0:22:05 > 0:22:06Give living things millions of years
0:22:06 > 0:22:09and they will just go through strange processes.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12Did chocolate sauce evolve to look like diarrhoea?
0:22:12 > 0:22:13LAUGHTER
0:22:13 > 0:22:16- So that people wouldn't eat it?! - Yeah. "It might be diarrhoea...
0:22:16 > 0:22:18"This seems like quite a nice restaurant,
0:22:18 > 0:22:22"I doubt it is diarrhoea, but... let me give it a sniff first."
0:22:25 > 0:22:28That's why God gave us noses. I think!
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Leaves aren't always what they seem.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Now, a question about larceny.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Where did the 40 shoplifting Elephants hide their loot?
0:22:36 > 0:22:38LAUGHTER
0:22:38 > 0:22:41- In a cave?- Mmm...
0:22:41 > 0:22:44- Like Ali Baba's thieves? - Ali Baba's 40 thieves.
0:22:44 > 0:22:45In their trunks.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48- ALARM BLARES - Oh, dear, oh, dear!
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Totally worth it, David. Totally worth it!
0:22:50 > 0:22:52Somebody had to fall on their sword and that was very noble.
0:22:52 > 0:22:57No, the Elephants existed from the 1700s all the way to the 1950s.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00And they took their name from an area of London that has
0:23:00 > 0:23:03- the word Elephant in it, which would be...- Elephant and Castle.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Elephant and Castle, that's right.
0:23:05 > 0:23:09- Is this a pickpocket gang? - Not pickpocket.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12They were a gang of shoplifters, and they had special clothing made
0:23:12 > 0:23:16and special muffs and special false hands and all kinds of things,
0:23:16 > 0:23:19and they would sometimes attack all types of shops at the same time,
0:23:19 > 0:23:22and then have huge, lavish parties to celebrate.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26- Tinfoil in your coats.- Yeah, or any number of clever little tactics.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28It means when you got out, it doesn't go "bleep-bleep".
0:23:28 > 0:23:31- Yeah.- That's... Don't tell the ladies and gentlemen...!
0:23:31 > 0:23:32LAUGHTER
0:23:32 > 0:23:35- I only tell them how they get caught.- Aha!
0:23:35 > 0:23:37A friend of mine wrote an article about a current group
0:23:37 > 0:23:41of really serious shoplifters called The Oysters.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43And he called them up and said, "Why are you called The Oysters?
0:23:43 > 0:23:47"Is it something to do with, you know, because you clamp things shut...?"
0:23:47 > 0:23:49"Well, because we 'oist stuff, isn't it?"
0:23:49 > 0:23:53LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:23:53 > 0:23:57He had to go through and change the spelling, do a global search
0:23:57 > 0:23:59and replace to "Hoister".
0:23:59 > 0:24:03- But these were The Hoisters. - The Hoister cult.- Yeah, The Hoisters.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05We know other things about real elephants who are criminals.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08In 2013, not that long ago,
0:24:08 > 0:24:12the second-tallest elephant in India was arrested for murder.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15- Which is rather unfair.- Did it run amok? That's what they do, isn't it?
0:24:15 > 0:24:17They always run amok, that is the phrase.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21There was an elephant that was hung. Is that one you're talking about, the elephant that was hung?
0:24:21 > 0:24:24I think they're all pretty well hung! LAUGHTER
0:24:24 > 0:24:27Yeah, yeah, there was one that was hanged, absolutely right.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31- We've covered this.- I heard about some criminals... It was a smuggler.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Do you know the story? It's a famous story.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36From Pakistan to Afghanistan, there was a famous smuggler
0:24:36 > 0:24:38- who used to smuggle things across the border.- Right.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40He was known as a brilliant smuggler.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42And they used to stop him at border control
0:24:42 > 0:24:45and they would check these elephants, like, "What have you got here?"
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Go through all the bags, and they could never find the contraband.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50And eventually, he was like... He was retiring.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53They said, "You've got to tell us..." One of the guys bumped into him.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56"What were you smuggling all those years?" He went, "Elephants."
0:25:00 > 0:25:02There's something about that that's entirely beautiful.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05So, the Forty Elephants were lady shoplifters,
0:25:05 > 0:25:07with lots of loot in their muffs.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Who has the world's largest love handles
0:25:09 > 0:25:11and what do they use them for?
0:25:12 > 0:25:13Eric Pickles.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15- ALARM BLARES - Oh, dear!
0:25:17 > 0:25:20You're joking! You are joking!
0:25:23 > 0:25:24You see.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26# Lola... #
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Oh, I'd forgotten about that.
0:25:28 > 0:25:29Blue whale?
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Not the blue whale.
0:25:31 > 0:25:35Sorry, so it's not the blue whale, but I'm close?
0:25:35 > 0:25:36- You are.- A barnacle.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Stay with setaceous creatures. Stay with a mammal.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44- So, it's a type of whale? - A mammal that lives in the sea.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46It's a whale. And it begins with a B.
0:25:46 > 0:25:47Blue whale.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51Have another look, Stephen, because I'm pretty sure I got it right.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53There are other kinds of whale that begin with a B.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Bum whale, bull whale...
0:25:55 > 0:25:57- Well, there's the bowhead. - RONNI:- Bull whale. Big whale.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59What's the famous and expensive kind of caviar?
0:25:59 > 0:26:01- Beluga. - RONNI:- Oh, beluga whale!
0:26:01 > 0:26:02Beluga whale, yes.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04There one is.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07Look at it, that one's going, "Hello!"
0:26:07 > 0:26:08It's lying on its side.
0:26:08 > 0:26:09"Hello!
0:26:10 > 0:26:12"Hello!
0:26:12 > 0:26:14"I'm a beluga whale, you know.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18"Ayoo!
0:26:20 > 0:26:22"This is all I can do!"
0:26:23 > 0:26:26He's very chirpy. They have no dorsal fin and amazingly...
0:26:26 > 0:26:28"I haven't got a dorsal fin, you know!"
0:26:28 > 0:26:31LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:35 > 0:26:38"Whoo-hoo-hoo-hooo!
0:26:38 > 0:26:41"I don't feel the cold! I don't feel it."
0:26:41 > 0:26:43They don't, because of their blubber.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45It's all in the blubber.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48They have midriff blubber, which they can control...
0:26:48 > 0:26:50"Feel my love handles, baby! Hello!"
0:26:51 > 0:26:54They control their love handles with special muscles,
0:26:54 > 0:26:58so that's how they move around and that's how they...you know.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00- That's how I roll. - That's how they roll!
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Exactly. Exactly right.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11They move up and down with their love handles.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14And they're hunted by the local Inupiat people in the Arctic.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16"I hate them!"
0:27:17 > 0:27:20You've got a career in animation ahead of you.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24It's like Richard Attenborough's programmes
0:27:24 > 0:27:26being revoiced by South Park.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28LAUGHTER
0:27:28 > 0:27:29There is no show that wouldn't be improved
0:27:29 > 0:27:31by being revoiced by South Park.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34It's true.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36And their fat is called muktuk.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39and is highly prized by the Inuits, and the Inupiat,
0:27:39 > 0:27:41because it's high in vitamin C, surprisingly.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Oh, look at that. Double chips with that.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Mmm. There's one in Baltimore.
0:27:45 > 0:27:49Yeah, the beluga whale. Full of love handles.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52I've just spotted that guy pointing at it in the front there.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54"Look at that. In case you haven't spotted it.
0:27:56 > 0:27:57"Look, there's a whale."
0:27:58 > 0:28:00The other guy's pointing, as well.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02"Where? There!"
0:28:02 > 0:28:05- "I've spotted him. There he is." - "Where is it? There!"
0:28:05 > 0:28:07"What do you mean you can't see? He's there!"
0:28:07 > 0:28:09- "Oh, there? Oh!"- He's there.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11And the other guy there, he's there.
0:28:11 > 0:28:15"I'm sorry, I don't recognise anything that's not wearing a hat."
0:28:17 > 0:28:20Anyway, the beluga whales steady themselves
0:28:20 > 0:28:22with the world's largest love handles.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25"All that we caught, we left behind,
0:28:25 > 0:28:28"and carry away all that we did not catch."
0:28:29 > 0:28:30What am I talking about?
0:28:30 > 0:28:32Venereal disease.
0:28:32 > 0:28:35LAUGHTER
0:28:35 > 0:28:37Somewhere along the line, I'm sure.
0:28:37 > 0:28:39What I'd already caught, I left behind,
0:28:39 > 0:28:41by giving it to other people.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43- Yeah.- By breathing it out?
0:28:43 > 0:28:44Well, it is a riddle.
0:28:44 > 0:28:47It was a riddle given to a man of mythic status,
0:28:47 > 0:28:49so much so, we don't even know if he existed,
0:28:49 > 0:28:52and yet his name is incredibly famous and there are statues of him,
0:28:52 > 0:28:54even though we don't know that he existed.
0:28:54 > 0:28:56- King Arthur? - No, older than that. An oracle.
0:28:56 > 0:29:01The most famous of the oracles in the Western Canon of Delphi
0:29:01 > 0:29:04told him that he would die on the island of Ios
0:29:04 > 0:29:07and that he should beware the riddles of young children.
0:29:07 > 0:29:10And this man went round the Greek islands as a minstrel,
0:29:10 > 0:29:12because that's what he did -
0:29:12 > 0:29:15he sang poems to a lyre.
0:29:15 > 0:29:18So, they were lyric, but they're known as epic, in fact.
0:29:18 > 0:29:23And the great epic poems of Greek civilisation, the two are...?
0:29:23 > 0:29:25- Homer.- Homer.- Homer. And it's Homer we're thinking of.
0:29:25 > 0:29:27Homer, supposedly, in this story,
0:29:27 > 0:29:30went to Ios where he encountered a group of fisher boys.
0:29:30 > 0:29:32He went to Ios? But the guy just said don't go!
0:29:32 > 0:29:34I know, but this always happens in Greek myths
0:29:34 > 0:29:37when to do with the Delphi. I mean, think of Oedipus and...
0:29:37 > 0:29:38- RONNI:- They don't listen.
0:29:38 > 0:29:40Well, sometimes, the Oracle is quite enigmatic and difficult.
0:29:40 > 0:29:42- Yes.- But if he said, "Don't go to Ios..."
0:29:42 > 0:29:45- That's really straightforward. - ..and he goes, you know...
0:29:45 > 0:29:48Anyway, Homer went to Ios and he encountered a group of fisher boys.
0:29:48 > 0:29:51He asked them what they'd caught and they gave him this riddle.
0:29:51 > 0:29:53And I'll repeat it again. "All that we caught, we left behind,
0:29:53 > 0:29:56"and carry away all that we did not catch."
0:29:56 > 0:29:57And he suddenly remembered, Homer,
0:29:57 > 0:30:00"Oh, my God, I shouldn't have asked riddles AND I'm on Ios."
0:30:00 > 0:30:02And maybe that's the thing about being cursed or having a prophecy,
0:30:02 > 0:30:05that you stop concentrating. He slipped, cracked his head, died.
0:30:07 > 0:30:08Should've gone to Argos.
0:30:08 > 0:30:09LAUGHTER
0:30:09 > 0:30:12- Absolutely right. - You can get everything there.
0:30:12 > 0:30:15Argos was Jason's ship, of course, wasn't it? Hence the Argonauts.
0:30:15 > 0:30:17- Yes. Yes.- Yes.
0:30:17 > 0:30:19LAUGHTER
0:30:19 > 0:30:20In fact, Argos, the chain,
0:30:20 > 0:30:22call their staff Argonauts to this day.
0:30:22 > 0:30:23- Oh, do they?- No.
0:30:23 > 0:30:27LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:30:28 > 0:30:30Oh, ladies and gentlemen.
0:30:32 > 0:30:34Oh, wow!
0:30:36 > 0:30:40- I'm going to give you two riddles from the Essex Book...- By the way, what's the solution...?
0:30:40 > 0:30:43- I haven't given you the solution, what am I thinking?!- Yeah! - The solution is lice.
0:30:43 > 0:30:44Lice, you see.
0:30:44 > 0:30:47- You catch the lice in your hair, you leave them behind.- Yes?
0:30:47 > 0:30:48And you carry away those you don't catch,
0:30:48 > 0:30:50- because they're stuck in your hair.- The nits?
0:30:50 > 0:30:53- Yeah, the nits. Exactly. - Those are the worst fishermen ever.
0:30:53 > 0:30:54Yeah, I know.
0:30:54 > 0:30:57But I've got the Essex Book, one of the great Anglo-Saxon books.
0:30:57 > 0:30:59- I've got an Essex riddle. - It is filled with riddles.
0:30:59 > 0:31:03- No, Exeter, sorry.- Oh, sorry. - Go on with your riddle. We know you want to say it.
0:31:03 > 0:31:04How do you turn the lights on after sex?
0:31:04 > 0:31:08- Open the car door.- Oh! Very good!
0:31:08 > 0:31:11So, moving way west, way west, all the way to Devon, we're in Exeter.
0:31:11 > 0:31:13One of the great works of Anglo-Saxon literature,
0:31:13 > 0:31:15the Exeter Book, written in the 10th century,
0:31:15 > 0:31:18contains more than 90 riddles, most of which are rather rude.
0:31:18 > 0:31:20Here's one. "My stem is erect.
0:31:20 > 0:31:24"I stand up over the bed, hairy somewhere down below.
0:31:24 > 0:31:28"A peasant's daughter lays her hand on me, seizes me,
0:31:28 > 0:31:32"red, plunders my head, confines me in a stronghold.
0:31:32 > 0:31:33"Wet be that eye."
0:31:35 > 0:31:37What is being referred to?
0:31:37 > 0:31:39- Shagging.- My junk!
0:31:39 > 0:31:41Surely, it's shagging.
0:31:41 > 0:31:43That's the point, it's a riddle.
0:31:43 > 0:31:46It makes you think that it's full of double entendres.
0:31:46 > 0:31:49- Obviously made to sound like a penis.- Is it a plant or something?
0:31:49 > 0:31:53It is a plant. But, "Wet be that eye." What plant wets your eye?
0:31:53 > 0:31:57And is hairy down below...when you pull it out of the ground?
0:31:57 > 0:32:00- Like a novelty flower...- Audience?
0:32:00 > 0:32:01AUDIENCE: Onions!
0:32:01 > 0:32:03You must feel ashamed of yourselves!
0:32:03 > 0:32:05- LAUGHTER - Another one.
0:32:05 > 0:32:09"A curiosity hangs by the thigh of a man under its master's cloak.
0:32:09 > 0:32:12"It is pierced through in the front,
0:32:12 > 0:32:14"it is stiff and hard, and when the man pulls up
0:32:14 > 0:32:15"his own robe above his knee,
0:32:15 > 0:32:18"he means to poke with the head of his hanging thing
0:32:18 > 0:32:22"that familiar hole of matching length which he has often
0:32:22 > 0:32:24"filled before."
0:32:27 > 0:32:28Just kiss me, Stephen.
0:32:28 > 0:32:31LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:32:33 > 0:32:35All this messing around!
0:32:37 > 0:32:41- Sounds like shagging again. - It does, yeah!
0:32:41 > 0:32:42"It hangs by his thigh"?
0:32:42 > 0:32:44- RONNI:- Is it a hilt, the hilt of a sword?
0:32:44 > 0:32:47- Keys in a hole?- Keys is the right answer. It is a key.
0:32:47 > 0:32:49"A curiosity hangs by the thigh of a man."
0:32:49 > 0:32:51They hang that by their belt. "Under its master's cloak."
0:32:51 > 0:32:54It's pierced through in the front, as it is a pierced piece of iron.
0:32:54 > 0:32:56"It is stiff and hard." No question about that.
0:32:56 > 0:32:59"When the man pulls up his own robe above his knee,
0:32:59 > 0:33:02"he means to poke with the head of his hanging thing that
0:33:02 > 0:33:05"familiar hole of matching length," which is the keyhole.
0:33:05 > 0:33:07Which he's often filled before.
0:33:07 > 0:33:09Because he has unlocked the door before. And it is a key.
0:33:09 > 0:33:12- Quite clever.- Had a lot of time on their hands, didn't they?
0:33:12 > 0:33:13They did! Absolutely right.
0:33:13 > 0:33:15"The job for today,
0:33:15 > 0:33:18"let's find an incredibly rude way of referring to a key."
0:33:18 > 0:33:19LAUGHTER
0:33:19 > 0:33:21And they were presumably religious figures,
0:33:21 > 0:33:25because they were reading and writing in the 10th century. So, there you are.
0:33:25 > 0:33:29Now for the riddle of the sphincter that we call general ignorance.
0:33:29 > 0:33:31Fingers on mushroomoids, please.
0:33:31 > 0:33:34How many Spartans died at the Battle of Thermopylae?
0:33:34 > 0:33:35Oh!
0:33:35 > 0:33:36# Lola... #
0:33:36 > 0:33:38It's going to be 300.
0:33:38 > 0:33:40ALARM BLARES
0:33:40 > 0:33:41Well...
0:33:41 > 0:33:43I saw a documentary about this
0:33:43 > 0:33:45and I'm pretty sure it's definitely 300.
0:33:45 > 0:33:47The film is called 300.
0:33:47 > 0:33:48Is there not a thing that one...
0:33:48 > 0:33:50because there weren't just Spartans there.
0:33:50 > 0:33:52- Sparta!- There were...
0:33:54 > 0:33:55That is how it's pronounced.
0:33:55 > 0:33:58There weren't just "Spartans!" there.
0:33:58 > 0:34:01There were other... But I think one of the Spartans...
0:34:01 > 0:34:02The Spartans sound nasty.
0:34:02 > 0:34:05There was a narrow coastal pass that was defended just by Spartans,
0:34:05 > 0:34:07300 of them, plus their king -
0:34:07 > 0:34:10- played by Gerard Butler - who was...- Spartan!
0:34:10 > 0:34:12- ..called?- The 301st?
0:34:12 > 0:34:14His name was? He was the 301st.
0:34:14 > 0:34:15- Leoni... - AUDIENCE MEMBER CALLS OUT
0:34:15 > 0:34:18- Leonidas, if you prefer.- Leonidas?
0:34:18 > 0:34:20He's now got a chain of chocolate shops, hasn't he?
0:34:20 > 0:34:23I was brought up to call him Leon-idas,
0:34:23 > 0:34:25but Leonidas seems to be the way now.
0:34:25 > 0:34:28I don't know, who knows? But Leon-idas or Leonidas, thank you.
0:34:28 > 0:34:30He defended a narrow coastal pass, and so there were 301.
0:34:30 > 0:34:34Only 299 Spartans died, though, so it leaves two who didn't.
0:34:34 > 0:34:38Leonidas did. Two survived because they never took part.
0:34:38 > 0:34:40Mike and Bernie Winters.
0:34:41 > 0:34:44A lot of nudity going on, which was a very Spartan thing.
0:34:44 > 0:34:47The couple by the tree seem very fond of each other -
0:34:47 > 0:34:49one's grasping the nipple of the other.
0:34:50 > 0:34:52LAUGHTER
0:34:52 > 0:34:53Oh, yeah.
0:34:53 > 0:34:55Their swords casually laid against the...
0:34:55 > 0:34:58To go to so much effort and not put your pants on.
0:34:58 > 0:35:00- I know. - LAUGHTER
0:35:00 > 0:35:02Isn't there something about one of the ones,
0:35:02 > 0:35:04that they were ashamed, the two that didn't die?
0:35:04 > 0:35:06They were desperately ashamed.
0:35:06 > 0:35:08One called, rather wonderfully, "Pantitties"...
0:35:08 > 0:35:10LAUGHTER
0:35:10 > 0:35:12- It's a bit like the... - Do you mean Pantites?
0:35:14 > 0:35:19There was an MP who was introduced to Churchill, his name was Bossom,
0:35:19 > 0:35:22and Churchill said, "Neither one thing nor the other."
0:35:24 > 0:35:26But anyway, "Pantitties", or "Pant-titties"
0:35:26 > 0:35:28or whatever he was, Pantites,
0:35:28 > 0:35:31went off to deliver a diplomatic message, apparently, at the embassy,
0:35:31 > 0:35:33but he hanged himself from shame when he got back
0:35:33 > 0:35:35and saw that he was the only survivor.
0:35:35 > 0:35:36But he wasn't the only survivor.
0:35:36 > 0:35:38Eurytus couldn't fight because of an eye infection.
0:35:38 > 0:35:40The Spartans have taken all the credit
0:35:40 > 0:35:42for winning the battle of Thermopylae,
0:35:42 > 0:35:44but it was a combined effort with the Athenians,
0:35:44 > 0:35:45who were their allies at the time.
0:35:45 > 0:35:47Herodotus, known as the Father of History,
0:35:47 > 0:35:49and was born four years after the battle,
0:35:49 > 0:35:50is the closest contemporary source.
0:35:50 > 0:35:52He estimated the Greeks numbered about 5,000.
0:35:52 > 0:35:54He was born four years after it had happened
0:35:54 > 0:35:55and he's the best we can do?
0:35:55 > 0:35:58He's the closest. I'm afraid so. No-one else wrote...
0:35:58 > 0:36:02- That's better than a lot of ancient history.- It is.
0:36:02 > 0:36:04- The Father of History, what's he called?- Herodotus.
0:36:04 > 0:36:07Herodotus. It must have been a lot easier when he was around.
0:36:07 > 0:36:09- I'm not having a go at him. - No, it's a fair point.
0:36:09 > 0:36:11But less things had happened back then.
0:36:11 > 0:36:12- Fewer things...- Yes. - ..I think you mean.
0:36:12 > 0:36:15LAUGHTER
0:36:15 > 0:36:16Some of the audience had you there.
0:36:16 > 0:36:18Common usage, play the common usage card.
0:36:18 > 0:36:21It's so like being back at school, it's unbelievable.
0:36:22 > 0:36:26Apparently, you can say less if you want to now. Apparently, you can.
0:36:26 > 0:36:28You can just say what you like, these days.
0:36:28 > 0:36:30Apparently, that's the new thing.
0:36:30 > 0:36:33Apparently, you're not allowed to scream "Idiot!" at people.
0:36:33 > 0:36:35LAUGHTER
0:36:35 > 0:36:38What is the point in getting an education at all?!
0:36:38 > 0:36:41I know how to use the apostrophe. Apparently, now it doesn't matter!
0:36:41 > 0:36:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:36:51 > 0:36:55What I want, I want the time it took me to learn that back!
0:36:57 > 0:36:59You need to be less bothered about this, or fewer bothered.
0:36:59 > 0:37:01LAUGHTER
0:37:01 > 0:37:03You need to be fewer bothered about this kind of thing.
0:37:03 > 0:37:07Just let it go. Be fewer upset.
0:37:07 > 0:37:10Now, what type of birds did the Birdman keep
0:37:10 > 0:37:11in his cell in Alcatraz?
0:37:13 > 0:37:15Is it, is it a canary?
0:37:15 > 0:37:17- ALARM BLARES - A canary? Or canaries.
0:37:18 > 0:37:20I can't believe I got a buzzer again.
0:37:20 > 0:37:22I might be close, because last time I said 300, it was 299.
0:37:22 > 0:37:24Yeah, you were one off.
0:37:24 > 0:37:26Did he keep them in the cell or did they come to the window?
0:37:26 > 0:37:29I can't remember the film. Burt Lancaster, wasn't it?
0:37:29 > 0:37:31- AUDIENCE MEMBER CALLS OUT: - It wasn't allowed!
0:37:31 > 0:37:34It wasn't allowed is the right... Well done, audience. Very good.
0:37:34 > 0:37:35APPLAUSE
0:37:38 > 0:37:40You weren't allowed birds in your cell, were you?
0:37:40 > 0:37:41He was in his previous prison,
0:37:41 > 0:37:43which is why he was called the Birdman.
0:37:43 > 0:37:44He ended up in Alcatraz,
0:37:44 > 0:37:47which is why, I suppose, he was called the Birdman of Alcatraz.
0:37:47 > 0:37:49He was an amazing expert on canaries,
0:37:49 > 0:37:51so that was his bird of choice.
0:37:51 > 0:37:53- And sparrows.- But I said that.
0:37:53 > 0:37:55I know. But he didn't keep them in Alcatraz.
0:37:55 > 0:37:57299, I was one away! Canaries, I said canaries.
0:37:57 > 0:38:00- What do you want from me? - Do you know his name?
0:38:00 > 0:38:02Robert Franklin Stroud.
0:38:02 > 0:38:06He was moved to the Great Rock, as they call it,
0:38:06 > 0:38:08from which no-one escapes, according to Patrick McGoohan.
0:38:08 > 0:38:11- "Welcome to the Rock."- Yes. - I think Sean Connery got out, yeah.
0:38:11 > 0:38:14"Welcome to the Rock."
0:38:14 > 0:38:15"WELCOME TO THE ROCK!"
0:38:18 > 0:38:21One more time, we'll go again. "Welcome to the Rock."
0:38:21 > 0:38:23Thank you. So kind.
0:38:23 > 0:38:25We can have a look at Alcatraz, that's the inside.
0:38:25 > 0:38:27- You can do a tour of it. - I've done a tour of it.
0:38:27 > 0:38:28- Have you? - RONNI:- You've been?
0:38:28 > 0:38:29It's great, I liked it a lot.
0:38:29 > 0:38:31But they used to put people in the cells...
0:38:31 > 0:38:34All the cell doors, they can open them from one end, and they slide,
0:38:34 > 0:38:37- because they don't have doors that open.- Yes. That's right.
0:38:37 > 0:38:39They used to put prisoners in them...tourists, I mean, in them.
0:38:39 > 0:38:41And then, one day, they couldn't get them out.
0:38:41 > 0:38:44So they had some tourists in there for ten hours.
0:38:44 > 0:38:46And lots of other tourists coming past.
0:38:46 > 0:38:48LAUGHTER
0:38:49 > 0:38:52Who were all, suddenly, on much better behaviour.
0:38:52 > 0:38:53LAUGHTER
0:38:53 > 0:38:55They didn't buy anything from the gift shop.
0:38:55 > 0:38:57LAUGHTER
0:38:57 > 0:38:59You can see it very clearly from San Francisco.
0:38:59 > 0:39:02It looks so near, and it was quite easy to escape from your jail
0:39:02 > 0:39:04and swim, but nobody survived the swim,
0:39:04 > 0:39:06even though it seems quite a short distance.
0:39:06 > 0:39:10Because the currents are so strong, you get swept away.
0:39:10 > 0:39:14And Alcatraz, of course, is a word of what origin, would you imagine?
0:39:14 > 0:39:15Mexico.
0:39:15 > 0:39:17Well, Spanish, the language. Yes, indeed.
0:39:17 > 0:39:19And a lot of the Spanish words come from?
0:39:19 > 0:39:20Spain.
0:39:20 > 0:39:21LAUGHTER
0:39:21 > 0:39:23APPLAUSE
0:39:23 > 0:39:25I can't fault you. I can't fault you.
0:39:27 > 0:39:31It begins with Al. So, like Alhambra and...
0:39:31 > 0:39:35- Oh, the Moors.- The Moors. It's an Arabic word. From Arabic.
0:39:35 > 0:39:39And, oddly enough, in Spanish, Alcatraz means "gannets", sea birds,
0:39:39 > 0:39:41but it used to mean "pelicans".
0:39:41 > 0:39:43So when they've called the rock Alcatraz,
0:39:43 > 0:39:45they were calling it after the pelicans.
0:39:45 > 0:39:49But the actual Arabic words mean something completely different -
0:39:49 > 0:39:51"the sea eagle".
0:39:51 > 0:39:52So, it's a strange thing.
0:39:52 > 0:39:56Alcatraz was "the sea eagle", then it was used to mean the pelican
0:39:56 > 0:39:58by the Spanish, then they changed it to mean the gannet.
0:39:58 > 0:40:02So, confusing, but that was how it changed its meaning.
0:40:02 > 0:40:05You were allowed hot showers in Alcatraz, but not cold ones.
0:40:05 > 0:40:07Why would that be?
0:40:07 > 0:40:10- Hot showers, but not cold ones... - I don't know, cos... I don't know.
0:40:10 > 0:40:13It's so that you wouldn't be acclimatised to the cold water.
0:40:13 > 0:40:15- Acclimatised to the cold water!- Yes!
0:40:15 > 0:40:16LAUGHTER
0:40:16 > 0:40:19But if you are going to be that determined, you wouldn't just
0:40:19 > 0:40:23dip your foot in and go, "Ooh, bit nippy, I think I'll got back in. That was a mistake."
0:40:23 > 0:40:24Have they not done it now...?
0:40:24 > 0:40:27You get these Ironmen that do these swims. Someone must've done it.
0:40:27 > 0:40:30But some of the prisoners who did escape were never found, so...
0:40:30 > 0:40:32It was assumed, I think, to keep the reputation.
0:40:32 > 0:40:35- Assumed dead, but they may have escaped.- Yeah.
0:40:35 > 0:40:36It probably suited everyone.
0:40:36 > 0:40:39Yeah, because they didn't want the myth of Alcatraz to die.
0:40:39 > 0:40:42Who was the first person to put stuff
0:40:42 > 0:40:43between two slices of bread and eat it?
0:40:43 > 0:40:45# Lay, lady, lay... #
0:40:46 > 0:40:47Lord Sandwich.
0:40:47 > 0:40:48ALARM BLARES
0:40:48 > 0:40:50Oh, what a shame. What a pity. You were doing so well.
0:40:50 > 0:40:52I knew that.
0:40:52 > 0:40:54The Earl of Sandwich certainly gave his NAME to what we call
0:40:54 > 0:40:56the sarnie or the sandwich or the butty,
0:40:56 > 0:40:58and all kinds of words for it, but...
0:40:58 > 0:41:00Was it the Earl of Butty?
0:41:00 > 0:41:02LAUGHTER
0:41:02 > 0:41:05We know that mankind has been making bread for 30,000 years,
0:41:05 > 0:41:08and it seems inconceivable that no human being decided
0:41:08 > 0:41:11to put something between two of those.
0:41:11 > 0:41:14So, we're just assuming it must have been ages ago.
0:41:14 > 0:41:16Someone must have done it ages ago.
0:41:16 > 0:41:18Well, yes, we do know for a fact that 1,200 years ago,
0:41:18 > 0:41:21there was a Hillel the Elder, a rabbi, in the first century BC -
0:41:21 > 0:41:24the first person known to have made and eaten a sandwich.
0:41:24 > 0:41:26He started the Passover custom of putting a mixture
0:41:26 > 0:41:29of chopped nuts, apples, spices and wine between two flat breads.
0:41:29 > 0:41:30That's a Peshwari naan.
0:41:30 > 0:41:32LAUGHTER
0:41:32 > 0:41:35- Oh, I love a Peshwari naan. - Oh, now you've said Peshwari...
0:41:35 > 0:41:36Oh, I'd have one right now, wouldn't you?
0:41:36 > 0:41:38- ALAN AND JIMMY:- O-o-oh!
0:41:38 > 0:41:41Just mopping up the end... Ohh!
0:41:41 > 0:41:43Just out of the bag, when it comes.
0:41:43 > 0:41:44Don't, it's so good.
0:41:44 > 0:41:46With all the almonds and the coconut in it. O-o-oh!
0:41:46 > 0:41:48We've put in a good shift. Shall we...?
0:41:48 > 0:41:49I'm drooling, stop it.
0:41:49 > 0:41:51I prefer a plain naan.
0:41:51 > 0:41:53Oh, what's the matter with you?!
0:41:53 > 0:41:54LAUGHTER
0:41:54 > 0:41:56Have you got a badge for that?
0:41:56 > 0:41:58There's always one, isn't there? At every party.
0:41:58 > 0:42:01Plain naan?!
0:42:01 > 0:42:03So, we'll have five Peshwari naans and one for him.
0:42:03 > 0:42:05- RONNI:- And one plain.
0:42:05 > 0:42:08So, anyway, John Montagu was the 4th Earl of Sandwich,
0:42:08 > 0:42:11certainly gave his name to it in our culture, as it were, in our...
0:42:11 > 0:42:14- He's on Gogglebox now, the Earl of Sandwich.- Is he?
0:42:14 > 0:42:16LAUGHTER
0:42:16 > 0:42:18Oh, why do I fall for these?!
0:42:18 > 0:42:20APPLAUSE
0:42:20 > 0:42:22I fall for everything.
0:42:24 > 0:42:27The idea was that he just called for it because he was very busy.
0:42:27 > 0:42:30Most people think gambling, because he was an inveterate gambler,
0:42:30 > 0:42:31though his biography says,
0:42:31 > 0:42:33actually, he was very busy with his ministerial work.
0:42:33 > 0:42:36He was Postmaster General, he was First Lord of the Admiralty.
0:42:36 > 0:42:37Before that, he was...
0:42:37 > 0:42:41Never mind all that. When he got together with Mr Branston...
0:42:41 > 0:42:43- It was magic. - NEW YORK ACCENT:- It was moy-der.
0:42:43 > 0:42:46When they got together, it was moy-der.
0:42:47 > 0:42:50So anyway, that's the last of the questions.
0:42:50 > 0:42:53Let's see who's victor ludorum.
0:42:53 > 0:42:54Oh, my actual God.
0:42:56 > 0:42:59I'm sorry to say, in last place, with -29,
0:42:59 > 0:43:02is the girl of many faces and voices, Ronni Ancona.
0:43:02 > 0:43:04Stop that. Can't be!
0:43:04 > 0:43:05APPLAUSE
0:43:05 > 0:43:06-29!
0:43:08 > 0:43:11And in third place, with -11, is Jimmy Carr.
0:43:11 > 0:43:12APPLAUSE
0:43:12 > 0:43:16Perfectly acceptable. -11 is fine. Fine.
0:43:16 > 0:43:18In second place, with -7, it's David Mitchell.
0:43:18 > 0:43:20APPLAUSE
0:43:22 > 0:43:26Can I be uttering these words? With a plus score...
0:43:26 > 0:43:27three points,
0:43:27 > 0:43:29Alan Davies!
0:43:29 > 0:43:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:37 > 0:43:41And that is all from Ronni, Jimmy, David, Alan and me.
0:43:41 > 0:43:44And I leave you with the last words of Nancy, Lady Astor.
0:43:44 > 0:43:47Waking up to find her bed surrounded by her entire family
0:43:47 > 0:43:49as she was dying, she said, "Am I dying?
0:43:49 > 0:43:52"Or is it my birthday?" Good night.
0:43:52 > 0:43:54APPLAUSE