0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Good evening, good evening,
0:00:32 > 0:00:35good evening, good evening and welcome to QI,
0:00:35 > 0:00:39the panel show where fortune favours the brains.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Tonight's show is all about Luck and Loss,
0:00:41 > 0:00:44so without further ado, let's meet our Lucky Losers.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46The fortunate Sandi Toksvig.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48APPLAUSE
0:00:50 > 0:00:52The fortuitous Danny Baker.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Thank you. APPLAUSE
0:00:55 > 0:00:57The jammy Jeremy Clarkson.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00APPLAUSE
0:01:01 > 0:01:04And Mr Jinx, the Jonah, Alan Davies.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07APPLAUSE
0:01:10 > 0:01:14Now, I'm afraid your buzzers are a bit of a lottery, so Sandi goes...
0:01:14 > 0:01:16DRUM ROLL 'Release the balls.'
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Danny goes...
0:01:19 > 0:01:21'No more bets, please.'
0:01:21 > 0:01:24- That sounded like you, didn't it? - How nice.- Yeah. Jeremy goes...
0:01:24 > 0:01:27FRUIT MACHINE DISPENSES COINS
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Literally no idea what that was.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33- I think it was a jackpot.- Ah.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Now, Alan goes...
0:01:36 > 0:01:41BECK: # I'm a loser, baby So why don't you kill me? #
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Now, seeing as being as this is the Lucky Losers show,
0:01:44 > 0:01:48whoever gets the lowest score wins.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Well done, Alan!
0:01:50 > 0:01:52LAUGHTER
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Well done already, congratulations.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56So, what you have to do, obviously,
0:01:56 > 0:01:58is try and collect as many Klaxons as you can.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02And that's going to be interesting, we hope. Quite Interesting.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Fingers on the buzzers, here's your first chance.
0:02:05 > 0:02:09What is the oldest you can be on a Club 18-30 holiday?
0:02:09 > 0:02:11- Danny?- 30.
0:02:11 > 0:02:12Very well done.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15You see, you've got the idea, there's the Klaxon.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17But anyone like to have a go at the right answer?
0:02:17 > 0:02:20What do you imagine is in fact the right answer?
0:02:20 > 0:02:21We won't punish you for that.
0:02:21 > 0:02:25Surely there's some leeway? Those ladies look a little over 30.
0:02:25 > 0:02:26Is it sort of mid-20s?
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Are they actually... Is it the other way?
0:02:28 > 0:02:31No, it is a little bit older than 30.
0:02:31 > 0:02:3235.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35- 173.- 173, that's a very good number.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Is it 31?
0:02:37 > 0:02:39No, it's 36, rather bizarrely.
0:02:39 > 0:02:44Well, the oldest you can leave the country with a Club 18-30 ticket
0:02:44 > 0:02:48is 35, but you might have your birthday while on the holiday.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Is there not a degree of sadness in your life
0:02:50 > 0:02:53if you decide to spend your 36th birthday on a 18-30 holiday?
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Has that woman on the left just turned 36?
0:03:01 > 0:03:03"I'm so sorry, I've got to go now."
0:03:06 > 0:03:07Yeah, there you go.
0:03:07 > 0:03:11In theory you could celebrate your 36th birthday on a Club 18-30 holiday.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14So, what is the youngest you can be to go on an...
0:03:16 > 0:03:1718.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Ooh, he gets those Klaxons, doesn't he?
0:03:20 > 0:03:22I like to win.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Have another go.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27- Well, clearly they are keen on that margin of error.- Yeah.
0:03:27 > 0:03:28There's clearly some margin of error,
0:03:28 > 0:03:31so it can't surely be the same margin, it can't be six years.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34No, it wouldn't be six, that would be awful.
0:03:34 > 0:03:3512-36.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37LAUGHTER
0:03:37 > 0:03:39It's the perfect match.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42I'm on the phone to Operation Yewtree as we speak.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46- No. - It can't be much more. 16 or 17.
0:03:46 > 0:03:4717 is the right answer, yes.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50I'm winning now, so therefore I'm losing.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52DANNY: Yeah.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Do you remember they had rather dodgy slogans...?
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Do you remember any of them?
0:03:57 > 0:03:59- "You will get fucked."- Yeah.
0:03:59 > 0:04:00LAUGHTER
0:04:02 > 0:04:04APPLAUSE
0:04:09 > 0:04:11"Would you like to catch chlamydia?"
0:04:12 > 0:04:14"Both carnally and financially."
0:04:14 > 0:04:18Well, no, it wasn't quite as on the nose as that.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20- It was...- "Herpes."
0:04:20 > 0:04:23.."Beaver Espana".
0:04:23 > 0:04:25- GROANING - Oh, God...- I know.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29"It's not all sex, sex, sex - there's some sun and sea as well."
0:04:29 > 0:04:32- Oh, dear.- DANNY: I know. - Really puts you off, doesn't it?
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Chlamydia I think is a very good...
0:04:35 > 0:04:38There's no symptoms, when you have chlamydia.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41So if somebody says, "How are you?" and you say, "I'm very well,"
0:04:41 > 0:04:44that means you almost certainly have it.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46- It's the perfect disease.- It is.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50So I never know how anyone goes to the doctor's with it, it would be quite interesting...
0:04:50 > 0:04:53- So there are no warts, there's no weeping...- No green discharge.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57- GROANING AND LAUGHTER - One has to be frank about these things.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59"Absolutely fine" - go to the doctor's, you'll have chlamydia.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01It's baffling. And koalas all have it.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04- Do they?- Yeah, all got chlamydia. - How do you know that?
0:05:04 > 0:05:09Does that come up in general conversation? "Koalas have all got chlamydia."
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Huge problem in Australia.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15I thought maybe it was an add-on to an 18-30 Australian holiday.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17"If you didn't get lucky, there's always the koalas."
0:05:17 > 0:05:19LAUGHTER
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Brilliant. Thank you so much. Fantastic.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26Well, according to the official rules on their website,
0:05:26 > 0:05:30a 17-year-old CAN go to a, as it turns out rather misnamed,
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Club 18-30 holiday.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Now, a question especially for Alan to lose points with
0:05:34 > 0:05:36in this Lucky Losers show.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Which mammal has the most cells in its body?
0:05:39 > 0:05:40Blue whale.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42FANFARE
0:05:44 > 0:05:45I'm afraid...
0:05:45 > 0:05:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:05:48 > 0:05:50..it does!
0:05:52 > 0:05:55And you get a lot of points for that.
0:05:55 > 0:05:59It's the blue whale bonus and you get points, and what do points mean?
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Prizes.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04- Bad surprises. Yeah. - Bad what?
0:06:04 > 0:06:07No, it does indeed have the most cells, cos it's the largest animal.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09And the larger the animal, the more the cells.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12But you can claw your way back if you could tell me
0:06:12 > 0:06:15to the nearest trillion how many cells a human being has.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18LAUGHTER
0:06:19 > 0:06:22- It's a certain trillion.- Two.
0:06:22 > 0:06:23Ah, it's a bit more than that.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25- It's 30 trillion.- Is it?
0:06:25 > 0:06:28- Yeah.- What if you were a fat blue whale? Then you'd have more.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Well, no, that's a human I'm talking about.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33- The blue whale would be 2,000 times more cells.- Oh!
0:06:33 > 0:06:36So you would think, because it has more cells,
0:06:36 > 0:06:38that blue whales would have more cancers,
0:06:38 > 0:06:40or at least have a greater number of them,
0:06:40 > 0:06:42because it has so many more cells.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46And in fact it has fewer than we do, and nobody knows why.
0:06:46 > 0:06:47Well, it doesn't smoke.
0:06:49 > 0:06:50That's an obvious reason.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53There is that. But it's known as Peto's Paradox.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Do they die of cancer, whales?
0:06:55 > 0:06:57All mammals can get it.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00People who've had cats and dogs will know, it's a very sad thing,
0:07:00 > 0:07:02- but all animals get cancers, yeah.- Oh.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04So, five minus points available
0:07:04 > 0:07:06if you can tell me what species of whale that is there.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09- Blue.- It's not a blue, actually.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11We should have offered you a blue,
0:07:11 > 0:07:13- but in fact that is a... - Is it a sperm?
0:07:13 > 0:07:17- No, sperm are the ones with the big, big...- Hump.- It's a humpback.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Oh, sperm's got the big head that fills with stuff.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23With spermaceti. With a milky substance in its head,
0:07:23 > 0:07:27which to this day we don't know what it uses it for,
0:07:27 > 0:07:30the general theory is it's something to do with the huge depths
0:07:30 > 0:07:32it goes down to. And it was used by Nasa,
0:07:32 > 0:07:35because it kept its viscosity in minus 400 degrees.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Incredibly cold temperatures, it was the same viscosity.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41But it was basically the whole of the Industrial Revolution ran on whale oil,
0:07:41 > 0:07:45and if it weren't for John D Rockefeller cracking crude oil
0:07:45 > 0:07:48into petroleum and various other forms like paraffin and so on,
0:07:48 > 0:07:52the whales would have unquestionably been extinct.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54- So petrol saved the whale.- It did!
0:07:54 > 0:07:57As I've been saying for many years... LAUGHTER
0:07:57 > 0:08:00It's very... Yes, it's one of the great ironies of history.
0:08:00 > 0:08:01APPLAUSE
0:08:01 > 0:08:04- Knew it!- It's true.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06I thought that would please you, somehow.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08I'm enormously pleased.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11You'd rather be a petrolhead than a spermhead.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14- As it is... - LAUGHTER
0:08:16 > 0:08:18I'd take all the compliments you can get, Jeremy.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20LAUGHTER
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Now, before we continue, I should let you know that,
0:08:22 > 0:08:24as this is the L series,
0:08:24 > 0:08:28one of the questions coming up will have a lavatorial theme.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30The answer will be wholly lavatorial.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32CASH REGISTER RINGS, TOILET FLUSHES
0:08:32 > 0:08:36And if it is, you can ask if you can spend your penny, right?
0:08:36 > 0:08:39- So if there's a lavatory question, I bring that out?- Yeah.- Right.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42And you get extra points. That's right. So, anyway, moving on.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46Which good cause benefited from Britain's first lottery?
0:08:47 > 0:08:49FRUIT MACHINE DISPENSES COINS Dale Winton.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Dale Winton's tanning salon.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54- I'm sure it did very well. - There you go.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57But it wasn't Britain's first lottery.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59- Is it the Bank of England? - No - that's a very good point.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03That was almost like a lottery, shares were issued to raise money.
0:09:03 > 0:09:04- For the army, wasn't it?- Yeah.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06It was virtually like a lottery.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09- But this one was similarly to raise money for...- Building?
0:09:09 > 0:09:12For a military venture, or at least for a military, perhaps for defence, originally.
0:09:12 > 0:09:16- Was it Drake? - Yes, it was indeed in 1567...
0:09:16 > 0:09:18- It was Drake.- Yeah, it was... - The Armada.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21What's that doing in my head? Why is that in my head?
0:09:21 > 0:09:24I'm very impressed. It was Queen Elizabeth and her navy,
0:09:24 > 0:09:26and indeed Drake was one of her leading figures.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28- There she is. - That was a random guess.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31She realised that, should King Philip of Spain send a fleet,
0:09:31 > 0:09:34- which in Spanish is...?- Armada? - Armada, yes.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37I'm genuinely still reeling from the fact that's in my head.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40It's really great when that happens, isn't it?
0:09:40 > 0:09:42No, it's odd. Makes me feel weird.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45And so she thought, to raise money, she'd try and get
0:09:45 > 0:09:47those who could afford it to buy lottery tickets
0:09:47 > 0:09:49and the prize would be enormous.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52And the money raised would be enormous.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Now, what do you think the average wage was per year?
0:09:55 > 0:09:58- It can't have been much, can it? - No, it wasn't much.
0:09:58 > 0:10:02- The average annual income in 1600 was about £9.- Oh.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05So tickets were 50 pence, we'd call it now - ten shillings each.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07- That's a lot.- Which is about three week's wages.- Yeah.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09So only the rich would be able to.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Only the rich would be able to. The prize on there was £5,000.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14£5,000 then, which is millions today.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16- You could buy America. - You could buy a huge estate.
0:10:16 > 0:10:20Plus, it was paid partly in cash, but also in gold and silver
0:10:20 > 0:10:24and fine tapestry and fabrics, and something really extraordinary
0:10:24 > 0:10:28to encourage sales. And this later cropped up in one of the most
0:10:28 > 0:10:32popular games in our culture, as something that you could tuck away
0:10:32 > 0:10:33under the board of the game, for future use.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Monopoly, a "get out of jail free" card.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38You got a "get out of jail free" card.
0:10:38 > 0:10:42For anything except murder, serious felonies, treason...
0:10:42 > 0:10:43And parking.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47- LAUGHTER - Yeah. Parking your horse, obviously that was not allowed.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51Or piracy, that was one thing. But everything else was.
0:10:51 > 0:10:52Very good, wasn't it?
0:10:52 > 0:10:55- That would sell tickets now, wouldn't it?- Brilliant idea.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58- I learnt about the Mary Rose. Do you want to know about the Mary Rose? - Tell me.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01The Mary Rose sank because they didn't close
0:11:01 > 0:11:03- the cannon portholes. - Oh, my goodness!
0:11:03 > 0:11:05They let off a broadside, and it tipped back
0:11:05 > 0:11:09- and the water all went in. - Every...- 500 men on board.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12And they drowned because they'd put the netting across the deck
0:11:12 > 0:11:13to prevent people boarding the boat
0:11:13 > 0:11:16- and they were unable to get off. - They couldn't get out.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19And I have to say, the Mary Rose Museum in Portsmouth is
0:11:19 > 0:11:22one of the single best museums I've ever been, it's only just opened.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24And there was some controversy about it
0:11:24 > 0:11:26because they were able to resurrect skeletons
0:11:26 > 0:11:30and using forensic artists show us pictures of what they actually
0:11:30 > 0:11:33looked like - you can stand and look the cook in the face...
0:11:33 > 0:11:36It is the most astonishing thing. And see all his things.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38And what I love is that even though they were going to war
0:11:38 > 0:11:40and they were fighting and so on, they had violins
0:11:40 > 0:11:44and they had chessboards and dice and they wanted to play games.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47I love the fact that they must have been having a laugh
0:11:47 > 0:11:50and enjoying themselves, apart from it was such a tragic end.
0:11:50 > 0:11:54But it's the most amazing time capsule of that period,
0:11:54 > 0:11:56because the ship sank with everything there.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59- It is an amazing thing. - Well, I'm going to go.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Well worth a visit, I think.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Exactly, let's go to Portsmouth.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Very good, thank you so much. Brilliant.
0:12:07 > 0:12:08APPLAUSE
0:12:08 > 0:12:10So, the good cause in the first national lottery
0:12:10 > 0:12:12was beating up the Spanish.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16What do newsagents sell that makes people suddenly want to vote Tory?
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Is it going to be the Daily Mail?
0:12:20 > 0:12:22KLAXON
0:12:22 > 0:12:24APPLAUSE
0:12:28 > 0:12:31Makes me want to vote Communist, but there you go.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Will you get one for the Daily Telegraph as well?
0:12:33 > 0:12:37- You probably might... - KLAXON
0:12:37 > 0:12:39He's clawing his way back to victory.
0:12:39 > 0:12:44No, this is a very odd thing - well, newsagents sell them.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46What about The Sun?
0:12:46 > 0:12:48KLAXON
0:12:48 > 0:12:50You're on fire!
0:12:50 > 0:12:54This is not a newspaper, I will now say, but it's something newsagents sell.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56They sell something that makes you want to vote Conservative?
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Well, it does if things turn out well
0:12:58 > 0:13:00after you've bought this particular item.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04- OK.- So we're really back to the last question. - Is it a lottery ticket?
0:13:04 > 0:13:06It's a lottery ticket. If you win the lottery,
0:13:06 > 0:13:08many Labour voters who've won the lottery
0:13:08 > 0:13:12said that they had changed their mind and were now Tory voters.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17- So...- What a depressing comment on humanity that is.- It is a bit.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Perhaps even more depressing is that the American therapists
0:13:20 > 0:13:25have a name for the syndrome, which is Sudden Wealth Syndrome,
0:13:25 > 0:13:28which is presumably what they suffer from whenever they name a syndrome,
0:13:28 > 0:13:31if they make money by deciding you have a syndrome.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33But that's a really boring name for it, though.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36You'd think so. But these are the same people who said
0:13:36 > 0:13:39if you lose someone you love, they die, and you are still...
0:13:39 > 0:13:41ALAN SNEEZES SPECTACULARLY
0:13:41 > 0:13:43- DANNY: Whoa!- Wow!
0:13:43 > 0:13:46- Wow, that was huge! - That was so impressive.
0:13:46 > 0:13:50- JEREMY: Alan's exploded. - That was enormous. - The day had to happen.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53- That was an explosion.- That was extraordinary.- Are you all right?
0:13:53 > 0:13:55There are people in California now
0:13:55 > 0:13:58looking at their seismographs, going, "Jesus Christ!"
0:13:58 > 0:14:02- DANNY: What a thing! - JEREMY: "What was that?"
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Is that because I said the word "die?" Will you do it again?
0:14:05 > 0:14:07So sorry for interrupting you.
0:14:07 > 0:14:11It's fine, it's just it was a revolting thing about psychologists
0:14:11 > 0:14:15who have said if someone you love dies and you're still inconsolable with grief six months later,
0:14:15 > 0:14:17that is a mental condition, it's not healthy.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20And what's that called? Six Months Later Dead Person Syndrome?
0:14:20 > 0:14:24It's called grieving. It is perfectly reasonable, in fact, yeah.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27A syndrome I read of - you know when you come out of the pictures and you sneeze,
0:14:27 > 0:14:30- when you go from a dark thing or look at the sun?- Yes.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32It's got a real fancy name now.
0:14:32 > 0:14:36I've never sneezed when walking from the dark. Is that normal, am I...?
0:14:36 > 0:14:39It's because you don't suffer from it. Don't mock people who do. LAUGHTER
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Presumably you don't go to matinees.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43- You go to evening performances. - Yeah.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46So he comes out and it's dark. But it's from the dark into the light.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Yeah, it's a syndrome. It's a real syndrome.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51We've got the name in front of me,
0:14:51 > 0:14:53my Elves have been busily hacking away. It's called
0:14:53 > 0:14:57Autosomal Dominant Compelling Helio-Ophthalmic Outburst.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59There you go. Look at that.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02- JEREMY: I want to have him round for dinner.- So, there we are.
0:15:02 > 0:15:03APPLAUSE
0:15:03 > 0:15:08For short, it's called ACHOO Syndrome.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10LAUGHTER
0:15:10 > 0:15:12We're still with lotteries. This is more astonishing.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15I mean, what a coincidence.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19In 2001, guess who won the Zimbabwe Banking Corporation's jackpot?
0:15:19 > 0:15:21No! Mugabe.
0:15:21 > 0:15:22It was Robert Mugabe!
0:15:23 > 0:15:27What are the odds against that? I mean...
0:15:27 > 0:15:29- Wow, lucky man. - Yeah. Lucky, lucky, lucky.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Anyway, less fortunate was Clarence "Inaction" Jackson.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34The name tells it all.
0:15:34 > 0:15:39He won, in 1995, 5.8 million on the Connecticut lottery.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42- Didn't get it?- Failed to turn up. - Didn't pick it up?
0:15:42 > 0:15:47The collect-by date passed, and they wouldn't pay out. He tried to sue and he lost. Very sad.
0:15:47 > 0:15:52A woman in 1980 called Maureen chose the correct winning numbers for both Massachusetts and Rhode Island.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55- Unfortunately, she... - She was burned as a witch.
0:15:55 > 0:15:59No, she played the Massachusetts numbers in Rhode Island...
0:15:59 > 0:16:01ALL GROAN
0:16:01 > 0:16:04No! The odds against that are 30 trillion to one.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Well, quite. Anyway, yes,
0:16:06 > 0:16:10lottery winners tend to turn right after collecting their winnings.
0:16:10 > 0:16:11What's the most disgusting thing
0:16:11 > 0:16:13a Liberal-Tory coalition has ever done?
0:16:15 > 0:16:18I think you've got the photo right there!
0:16:18 > 0:16:19LAUGHTER
0:16:19 > 0:16:22- So much choice.- Mmm.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24I'm going to guess it's NOT this Liberal...
0:16:24 > 0:16:26It's not, it's the Liberal Party rather than
0:16:26 > 0:16:29the Liberal Democratic Party, which is the Lib Dems.
0:16:29 > 0:16:30Is it Whiggery...?
0:16:30 > 0:16:34It's later than that. 100 years later, roughly. 1890s, in fact.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Is it something to do with sewers?
0:16:36 > 0:16:39It's in your favourite city, Birmingham. It's not sewers...
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Is it something to do with Thomas Crapper?
0:16:41 > 0:16:45No, it's not a spend a penny answer.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47- It's eating something, in public. - In Birmingham?
0:16:47 > 0:16:50A liberal person ate something in Birmingham in the 1850s.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53- A group of liberal people. - It's getting closer and closer.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56- Dog shit.- It was a scandal that rocked the nation.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58- It wasn't dog SHIT, it was...- A dog.
0:16:58 > 0:16:59- A dog.- Oh!- They ate a dog.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03Not only that, they celebrated their victory...
0:17:03 > 0:17:04LAUGHTER
0:17:05 > 0:17:08- That was not a real headline.- No...
0:17:08 > 0:17:09LAUGHTER
0:17:10 > 0:17:14We did mock that one up, I grant you.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16But the top bit is correct - "Birmingham Gazette,
0:17:16 > 0:17:19"largest sale with one exception of any provincial morning newspaper."
0:17:19 > 0:17:20I love the "with one exception" -
0:17:20 > 0:17:23"I'll grant you that, there is one exception."
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Why don't they just put "second-largest"?!
0:17:26 > 0:17:29So they ate this dog - not only that, they roasted it
0:17:29 > 0:17:32and portions of the dog's limbs were used to create fun
0:17:32 > 0:17:35by some of the men rubbing them over the faces of their companions.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37But a few days later, the Birmingham Gazette
0:17:37 > 0:17:40was scooped by the Birmingham Post - still going, I think -
0:17:40 > 0:17:43which revealed that one of the men involved was a Tory,
0:17:43 > 0:17:45so in fact it was a coalition disgrace.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49- Why did they do this? - To celebrate - they were obviously drunk, I suspect.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Yeah, but there's drunk, and there's...
0:17:51 > 0:17:55There's really unpleasant.
0:17:55 > 0:17:56I've been drunk many, many times,
0:17:56 > 0:18:00- and I've never looked at my dogs... - Or your neighbours' dogs.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03You've had a kebab.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05GROANING
0:18:05 > 0:18:09Did you know that how disgusted you feel about something, like eating a dog,
0:18:09 > 0:18:12will reflect on your political inclinations?
0:18:12 > 0:18:14So conservative people are more likely
0:18:14 > 0:18:17to feel repulsed by things than liberals.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20And it's something to do with your physical reaction to something,
0:18:20 > 0:18:24so it tells you something about what political persuasion you are.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26That's how I know I'm so liberal.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Cos I'll eat anything.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31- I've never eaten a dog, though, that's very odd.- No.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Well, like most meat-eaters they're not very tasty.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Well, you shouldn't eat anything that's more than two from the sun,
0:18:37 > 0:18:41- and a dog eats meat...- Exactly. Meat-eaters are not good. I mean,
0:18:41 > 0:18:43those who do eat meat, eat vegetarians -
0:18:43 > 0:18:44we eat cows, and sheep...
0:18:44 > 0:18:46You're a vegetarian, aren't you?
0:18:46 > 0:18:48- I eat fish. - Mmm... I could still eat you.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50LAUGHTER
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Technically I could eat you.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56- I'd leave the hair.- I think we'd have to have a vote.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00This next question is even more incomprehensible than usual,
0:19:00 > 0:19:03so I thought I'd spice things up by getting you all to wear hats.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Could you pass that to Jeremy?
0:19:05 > 0:19:09And you can have that. And yours, you'll notice, says "Leader".
0:19:10 > 0:19:13And you can have the fez.
0:19:13 > 0:19:14I have the largest head in the world.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17- And you can have a nice straw boater. - LAUGHTER
0:19:18 > 0:19:22- It's extraordinary. You do have a large head.- Enormous head.
0:19:22 > 0:19:23DANNY: Elmer Fudd!
0:19:25 > 0:19:29I saw Bob Dylan in concert at the O2 Arena,
0:19:29 > 0:19:33and he didn't have screens on, you can't... He's this size.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37And he wore a ten-gallon hat for the whole thing, and he never spoke.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39So it could have been anyone.
0:19:39 > 0:19:40LAUGHTER
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Right, OK, here we go with this question.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46What do Amy Freeze and Larry Sprinkle
0:19:46 > 0:19:51have in common with D Weedon and AJ Splatt?
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Is this some dark part of the internet?
0:19:53 > 0:19:56It's a real thing, it's not a dark part of the internet,
0:19:56 > 0:19:58it's a joyous part of real life and...
0:19:58 > 0:19:59They're real people?
0:19:59 > 0:20:04Weedon and Splatt are both Australian urologists.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Ah.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08In other words they cover splatting and being weed on.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11Well, not necessarily being weed on - weeing, sorry.
0:20:11 > 0:20:16And Amy Freeze and Larry Sprinkle are American...?
0:20:16 > 0:20:18- Chefs.- Antifreeze manufacturers. - Ice cream.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21- JEREMY: Garden sprinkler manufacturers.- Weather forecasters.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23So it freezes, you get a sprinkle of rain.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26- I don't believe that's their real names.- It really is.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Now, what is the name for people having jobs
0:20:28 > 0:20:31that come after their names? So, if you were a baker, say...
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Yes, exactly. I don't know the... I don't know the term.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36JEREMY: My dad was a clerk.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39- Exactly, that would do it.- Yeah. - It's called nominative determinism.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41It's called nominative or onomastic determinism,
0:20:41 > 0:20:44because you're determined by your name.
0:20:44 > 0:20:45But I've always been interested by this,
0:20:45 > 0:20:47because there was a family many years ago
0:20:47 > 0:20:49and they were called the Gauntletts.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52And they christened their son Victor.
0:20:52 > 0:20:53I knew Victor, he ran Aston Martin.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Exactly. He was destined to run Aston Martin,
0:20:55 > 0:20:58simply because his parents had christened him Victor.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02If they'd called him Stan, he would have been a plumber.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05You see it all the time,
0:21:05 > 0:21:09where somebody called Fotherington Major Fortescue
0:21:09 > 0:21:12has always got a sandwich shop in Fulham.
0:21:12 > 0:21:17Whereas somebody called Ron Twatt is a builder from somewhere.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20- Very simple names tend to...- Yeah.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23- I know Ron Twatt.- Do you?
0:21:23 > 0:21:24Bloody good builder.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Surely Ron Twatt should be a gynaecologist?
0:21:27 > 0:21:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:34 > 0:21:37- Ron Twatt. - Denis Norden and Frank Muir,
0:21:37 > 0:21:39when they were writing their scripts, they used to get bored,
0:21:39 > 0:21:41and come up with improbable TV shows.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44And the best one was "By day, she dispensed justice
0:21:44 > 0:21:48"on the streets of LA. By night, she was queen of the music halls.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51"Join us at 8:00, for Tara Raboom, DA."
0:21:51 > 0:21:53LAUGHTER
0:21:53 > 0:21:57Ta-ra-ra boom-di-ay! Oh, that's brilliant.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59- I love it.- That was my favourite one of those.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Well, some examples you might know -
0:22:01 > 0:22:04they're called aptronyms as well, because they are apt-onyms.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07- Mark Avery, where would he work? - In an aviary.
0:22:07 > 0:22:08Well, no, that's a bit too specific.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10- In a zoo.- Birds, something to do with birds.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13He's of the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds, yes. Very good.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16The poet Wordsworth, when you think about it,
0:22:16 > 0:22:18he went to Cambridge to read mathematics,
0:22:18 > 0:22:21and he probably thought, "Well, I'm called Wordsworth, words, words."
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Stephen, why am I wearing this hat?
0:22:23 > 0:22:25You'll see. You're the leader,
0:22:25 > 0:22:27you've got to have a way of indicating your leadership.
0:22:27 > 0:22:28And you're the leader.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31I did a programme years ago sailing around Britain with John McCarthy,
0:22:31 > 0:22:33and we had to go and be fitted for life jackets
0:22:33 > 0:22:36at Crew Saver Life Jackets, and they were fitted,
0:22:36 > 0:22:38and I promise you, I've still got his card,
0:22:38 > 0:22:39by a man called Will Drown.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:42 > 0:22:46You see, it's just fantastic. It's just bliss when that happens.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Well, you've rather beaten mine, my rather sorry lot left.
0:22:51 > 0:22:56I mean, Danone UK, the managing director is called Bruno Fromage.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59You probably remember the former Lord Chief Justice was...
0:22:59 > 0:23:00- Lord Judge.- Lord Judge.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02That really is pretty straightforward, isn't it?
0:23:02 > 0:23:05- What is Fry, darling? What is it...?- The Frys?
0:23:05 > 0:23:09Bristol chaps, and chapesses, a very famous chapess.
0:23:09 > 0:23:13She was on our £5 note until very recently - Elizabeth Fry.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15And she was a Gurney and the Frys were Frys
0:23:15 > 0:23:18and they were both Quaker families, as many of the chocolatiers were.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21Were you plagued at school by people saying "Turkish Delight"?
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Of course. "Fry's Turkish Delight, keeps you up in the night."
0:23:24 > 0:23:26LAUGHTER
0:23:26 > 0:23:28- No, it doesn't.- Happy days. - It's a pleasant comestible.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31Try, "Dan, Dan, the lavatory man, washed his hair with
0:23:31 > 0:23:34"a frying pan, combed his hair with the leg of a chair, Dan, Dan..."
0:23:34 > 0:23:37And Danny Boy. There's certain songs that do curse you through your life
0:23:37 > 0:23:39if you have a certain name.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42I just got, "What sort of a fucking name is Jeremy?"
0:23:42 > 0:23:43LAUGHTER
0:23:44 > 0:23:45APPLAUSE
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Just a couple of nominative determinism facts.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54One is this fellow called Robert Lane, who was a New Yorker, who,
0:23:54 > 0:23:58for various reasons, decided to give his sixth child the name Winner
0:23:58 > 0:24:01and his seventh and last child, rather unkindly, Loser.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Something of an extraordinary experiment,
0:24:04 > 0:24:07but it at least reversed the effect you might expect
0:24:07 > 0:24:09and Loser Lane, known as Lou,
0:24:09 > 0:24:11went on to become a pillar of the NYPD and...
0:24:11 > 0:24:14probably arresting his older brother, Winner,
0:24:14 > 0:24:18who was arrested for burglary more than 30 times.
0:24:18 > 0:24:19So it didn't work at all.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23Now, if I told you that two of our biggest fans are called Joyce Baker
0:24:23 > 0:24:27and Amanda Pastry, what do you think you might have handed out to you?
0:24:27 > 0:24:30- Is it cake?- Well, it's not cake, actually, it's biscuits.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32So you can help yourself. You have to eat them all.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Well, it's nice, but mildly disappointing.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Yeah, you've got to eat them.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40- This is all part of the experiment. - Do we have to eat them?- Yeah.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42The third one has to go, and Alan's taken the third one,
0:24:42 > 0:24:44- and that's the important thing. - What?
0:24:44 > 0:24:45Because it's got the word leader...
0:24:45 > 0:24:48This happens in experiment after experiment with human beings,
0:24:48 > 0:24:50if you tell someone they're the leader,
0:24:50 > 0:24:52and you give them three of something, an odd number,
0:24:52 > 0:24:55with an even number of people, the leader always takes.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59Well, it's a bit like, my father once went out for tea with somebody
0:24:59 > 0:25:04and two cakes were delivered - one was very small, one was very large.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06And the chap just leant over and took the large one.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09And my dad said, "If that had been me and I went first,
0:25:09 > 0:25:11"I would have taken the smaller one." And he said,
0:25:11 > 0:25:15"Well, you've got it anyway, so what are you complaining about?"
0:25:15 > 0:25:17- That's so logical. - It is.- That's brilliant.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20But I think boys and girls have a very different way of doing this.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23I was once at a party and they were handing out things on this slate,
0:25:23 > 0:25:25they seem to do nowadays, with canapes, don't they?
0:25:25 > 0:25:27And there were two small canapes on this piece of slate,
0:25:27 > 0:25:29and there were three of us.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31And all three of us went, "No, that's very kind, thank you,"
0:25:31 > 0:25:34and as we were saying it, a man walked past,
0:25:34 > 0:25:37picked up one canape, put it on top of the other and ate them both.
0:25:38 > 0:25:39Excellent.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42So he ate the other one not just cos he's Alan Davies...
0:25:42 > 0:25:43But because he's got "leader"
0:25:43 > 0:25:46and he felt like somehow it was just put into his brain
0:25:46 > 0:25:48that he was the leader and he would have that.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50- It's not behavioural... - Sorry, Jeremy.
0:25:50 > 0:25:51Behavioural science is...
0:25:51 > 0:25:53I was looking forward to that biscuit.
0:25:53 > 0:25:54Hand in your plates.
0:25:54 > 0:25:58It doesn't help that I forgot I'd got "leader" on my hat.
0:25:58 > 0:26:02- Oh, you forgot you were the leader, that really doesn't help.- Yes, no.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04I'll eat those as well, if you like.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Right, so, skimming on.
0:26:07 > 0:26:11What did lucky old Edward VII use this for?
0:26:11 > 0:26:12Oh, I say!
0:26:12 > 0:26:15- I say lucky, I mean, it's an extraordinary contrivance.- Oh, God!
0:26:15 > 0:26:17What do we know about it this?
0:26:17 > 0:26:19- Ah, ah.- No, quite wrong.
0:26:19 > 0:26:20He didn't poo on yellow silk.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25- You thought it lifted up into a commode.- A commode, yes.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27- Is it sexual, some kind of...? - It was sexual, yeah.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30It's sexual and I'm not going to say it on television, frankly,
0:26:30 > 0:26:33- I'll just be in trouble.- Well, no, you won't. I mean, it's...
0:26:33 > 0:26:35- Well, I will a bit.- Yeah.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37For what I've got in mind, if I said that...
0:26:37 > 0:26:38LAUGHTER
0:26:38 > 0:26:40I'll accept that then.
0:26:42 > 0:26:47I guess a young lady sits on the top bit and he's not...
0:26:47 > 0:26:48He's elsewhere.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Well, this is what we find hard to work out.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53The Chabanais was a maison de passe in Paris - a brothel,
0:26:53 > 0:26:56as we would say - and he had this constructed for him,
0:26:56 > 0:26:59it was called the siege d'amour, the seat of love.
0:26:59 > 0:27:03And the idea was that he could service, pleasure,
0:27:03 > 0:27:08- have his way with two prostitutes at the same time.- Oh.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11How this worked I'm not quite... I say at the same time, I mean that...
0:27:11 > 0:27:12With his extra penis.
0:27:13 > 0:27:14It does make you worry.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17The King's penis.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19- Behold.- Two birthdays, two penises.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21It's got stirrups at the top, so there's clearly...
0:27:21 > 0:27:24It has got stirrups. Her legs could go, or his...
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Is this why Queen Victoria didn't talk to him?
0:27:26 > 0:27:29- I think it might well be. - "What have you got there now, dear?"
0:27:31 > 0:27:32"Ah, Your Majesty."
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Dirty Bertie, as he was known, quite rightly. His name was Bertie.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Do you know that wonderful story,
0:27:37 > 0:27:39- he had a long-standing affair with Lillie Langtry?- Yes.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Probably it's not true at all,
0:27:41 > 0:27:44but it is said that he was very cross with her one day
0:27:44 > 0:27:47and he said, "I've spent enough on you to build a battleship."
0:27:47 > 0:27:49And she said "You've spent enough in me to float one."
0:27:49 > 0:27:51LAUGHTER AND GROANS
0:27:53 > 0:27:55So, what did the Ancient Greeks use this for?
0:27:59 > 0:28:02- Yes, go on.- Is it that this?
0:28:02 > 0:28:04Ah, no, it isn't.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06You're not seeing all of it, which is rather unfair of us.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09You just seeing the head. It then goes on quite a long way down.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12- Is it sexual as well? - Something protrudes.- Is it sexual?
0:28:12 > 0:28:15- It is, isn't it?- Is it? - There you are.- There you go.
0:28:15 > 0:28:19- Oh.- Well, you can't...- Well, it doesn't look like much fun.
0:28:19 > 0:28:20He got his bollock shut in the lift.
0:28:20 > 0:28:21LAUGHTER
0:28:21 > 0:28:24There are very few left in good condition, I have to say.
0:28:24 > 0:28:27Well, somebody's pulled that one's arms off.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29LAUGHTER
0:28:29 > 0:28:31APPLAUSE
0:28:31 > 0:28:32It's the only way he'll learn.
0:28:37 > 0:28:40The only way he'll learn not to play with himself.
0:28:40 > 0:28:44These were called herms, as in Hermes the god,
0:28:44 > 0:28:47and these were little pillars - or large pillars in some cases -
0:28:47 > 0:28:50with a phallus on them and they were rubbed in oil
0:28:50 > 0:28:52and then, as you passed one, you'd give it a good fondle...
0:28:52 > 0:28:54There you are, another one there. ..to give you good luck.
0:28:54 > 0:28:56- And where is it from, darling? - Greece.
0:28:56 > 0:28:58The great period of Greece, if you like.
0:28:58 > 0:29:01In fact, during the Peloponnesian War
0:29:01 > 0:29:03in about 415 BC there was a terrible incident
0:29:03 > 0:29:05known as The Mutilation of the Herms
0:29:05 > 0:29:07when they were at war with Sparta, the Athenians,
0:29:07 > 0:29:10and every single penis had been hacked off.
0:29:10 > 0:29:12And they blamed this on the disastrous expedition to
0:29:12 > 0:29:15- Sicily a little later. - Well, it changes...
0:29:15 > 0:29:18That period of history, the discovery that the penis
0:29:18 > 0:29:21has anything to do with reproduction changes everything.
0:29:21 > 0:29:25There's no natural reason to suppose that the predisposition to
0:29:25 > 0:29:28pop it in a snug hole somewhere, which is what all humans
0:29:28 > 0:29:30and animals...we can observe animals doing,
0:29:30 > 0:29:33and humans have the same predisposition, the idea that,
0:29:33 > 0:29:36nine months later, the thing that pops out of you is connected to it
0:29:36 > 0:29:37is not a rational one at all.
0:29:37 > 0:29:39Until the Greeks, nobody had worked that out?
0:29:39 > 0:29:42Plenty of cultures hadn't worked it out at all until they were told.
0:29:42 > 0:29:44In fact, you get mostly godless cultures prior to that
0:29:44 > 0:29:46where the woman is revered
0:29:46 > 0:29:48cos she's the one who is producing the new child
0:29:48 > 0:29:52and the men suddenly go, "Oh, it's something to do with me!"
0:29:52 > 0:29:53And that ruined the world, actually.
0:29:53 > 0:29:55LAUGHTER
0:29:57 > 0:29:58Very good.
0:29:58 > 0:30:02Now, what's the worst thing you can do with a gympie-gympie?
0:30:03 > 0:30:05Gympie-gympie?
0:30:05 > 0:30:06Remove her leaf?
0:30:06 > 0:30:09Well, that would... Yeah, she would be upset.
0:30:09 > 0:30:11It's wipe your bottom.
0:30:11 > 0:30:14You've missed your Spend A Penny chance.
0:30:14 > 0:30:16Does it make it poisonous or do something dreadful to you?
0:30:16 > 0:30:17I think poison is...
0:30:17 > 0:30:20It's kind of poison, but it's sort of worse than that.
0:30:20 > 0:30:22Is it full of bugs that crawl up your bum?
0:30:22 > 0:30:26Imagine a stinging nettle turned up to the absolutely unbearable max.
0:30:26 > 0:30:28Why would you wipe your bottom with it?
0:30:28 > 0:30:31Well, because it looks a bit like a leaf that would be safe to.
0:30:31 > 0:30:33- Oh, a dock leaf type thing. - Yeah, a dock-leafy sort of thing.
0:30:33 > 0:30:34It's from Queensland
0:30:34 > 0:30:37and it has one of the most vicious stings in nature.
0:30:37 > 0:30:40A brush against it feels apparently like being burnt with hot acid
0:30:40 > 0:30:42and electrocuted at the same time.
0:30:42 > 0:30:44According to one account, a soldier in the bush
0:30:44 > 0:30:47in the Second World War was caught short and picked the wrong leaf
0:30:47 > 0:30:50- and found himself in so much pain that he shot himself.- No!
0:30:50 > 0:30:51- AUDIENCE GASPS - Exactly.
0:30:51 > 0:30:54That is a serious... I mean, just the agony of it.
0:30:54 > 0:30:57One of the first mentions is from 1866, a surveyor reported
0:30:57 > 0:31:01that his pack horse was stung, got mad and died within two hours.
0:31:01 > 0:31:04Les Moore, a scientific officer with the Queensland government, was stung
0:31:04 > 0:31:08across the face, ended up looking like Mr Potato Head, apparently.
0:31:08 > 0:31:10I still think it can't be as bad
0:31:10 > 0:31:13as the toilet paper we had at boarding school.
0:31:13 > 0:31:15I know what you mean. Izal and Bronco.
0:31:15 > 0:31:18I used to write home to my mother on it, airmail letters,
0:31:18 > 0:31:19that's how bad it was.
0:31:19 > 0:31:21- Yes, it was crispy tissue. - Is that that shiny stuff?
0:31:21 > 0:31:24Nothing would stick to it, it was like grease paper.
0:31:24 > 0:31:27You'd think, "I've definitely had a poo, but there's no evidence."
0:31:27 > 0:31:29LAUGHTER
0:31:29 > 0:31:33It wouldn't come off on it. It seemed to serve no purpose.
0:31:33 > 0:31:34Shall we move along?
0:31:34 > 0:31:36Yes. Let's do that.
0:31:36 > 0:31:38So, it was the Spend A Penny round after all.
0:31:38 > 0:31:41If you're caught short in the bush, don't use a gympie-gympie,
0:31:41 > 0:31:43you might end up shooting yourself.
0:31:43 > 0:31:45Now, which football team is the worst in the world
0:31:45 > 0:31:47at losing major trophies?
0:31:47 > 0:31:48The worst in the world,
0:31:48 > 0:31:51so it's a team that presumably has never won a game.
0:31:51 > 0:31:53- It's not that. They've won quite a lot of games.- Oh.
0:31:53 > 0:31:55They've even won trophies.
0:31:55 > 0:31:58- Have they had the trophies stolen? - But then they've lost them.
0:31:58 > 0:31:59They've lost them.
0:31:59 > 0:32:01- Aston Villa?- Very good.
0:32:01 > 0:32:02Well, there you go.
0:32:02 > 0:32:04JEREMY: We're back in Birmingham again now
0:32:04 > 0:32:06and you're being rude, aren't you? By knowing so much.
0:32:06 > 0:32:08How do you know that?
0:32:08 > 0:32:10He does a sports programme, he's a football lover.
0:32:10 > 0:32:11- Yeah.- Ah. I must listen.
0:32:14 > 0:32:18But in the 1964 FA Cup Final,
0:32:18 > 0:32:19which was won by...?
0:32:19 > 0:32:20West Ham.
0:32:20 > 0:32:23Yes, you can see Bobby Moore there. Who was their manager?
0:32:23 > 0:32:27At that point? Er, 1964...
0:32:27 > 0:32:29Would have been, not Ron....
0:32:29 > 0:32:31- It was Ron.- It was? - Ron Greenwood, yeah.
0:32:31 > 0:32:34He took it home by Tube, discreetly covering it...
0:32:34 > 0:32:36LAUGHTER
0:32:36 > 0:32:38..wrapped in a cloth.
0:32:38 > 0:32:40That lady, she's got her eye on it.
0:32:41 > 0:32:43I was talking to Jackie Charlton once.
0:32:43 > 0:32:47The centre-half for England when they won the World Cup in 1966.
0:32:47 > 0:32:49His brother, Bobby, of course.
0:32:49 > 0:32:52And Jack Charlton said that after the World Cup final, he said,
0:32:52 > 0:32:54"Myself and Alan Ball and a few of the lads,
0:32:54 > 0:32:56"we headed to the Talk Of The Town,"
0:32:56 > 0:33:01and he said, "I woke up in a couple's house in Dagenham who I've never seen
0:33:01 > 0:33:05"before or since, and the first thing I did was get my jacket and go...
0:33:05 > 0:33:08"Cos I still had the World Cup winners' medal in my pocket.
0:33:08 > 0:33:11"We made a few excuses and went." So it's not unusual in that period.
0:33:11 > 0:33:13I love the fact Bobby Charlton
0:33:13 > 0:33:16used to have a cigarette at half-time in every match.
0:33:16 > 0:33:19There's a wonderful ladies football team called the Dick Kerr Ladies
0:33:19 > 0:33:22and the Dick Kerr Ladies existed for years and years.
0:33:22 > 0:33:25During the Second World War, they were the most popular football team
0:33:25 > 0:33:27and there was a woman who used to play for them
0:33:27 > 0:33:29who smoked Woodbines while playing.
0:33:29 > 0:33:30LAUGHTER
0:33:30 > 0:33:33Well, Ron Greenwood had good reason to be worried,
0:33:33 > 0:33:34and that's the point.
0:33:34 > 0:33:37Football trophies do have a history of going missing,
0:33:37 > 0:33:39and Aston Villa seem to have been more to blame than anyone else.
0:33:39 > 0:33:43In 1895, their FA Cup was stolen from the window of a sports shop
0:33:43 > 0:33:49in Birmingham and, 63 years later, a man called Harry Burge
0:33:49 > 0:33:52confessed that he had been the man who had stolen it,
0:33:52 > 0:33:56- and he had melted it down and made counterfeit half-crown coins.- Wow!
0:33:56 > 0:33:58The second major trophy to have been mislaid by Aston Villa
0:33:58 > 0:34:02- was the European Cup in... What year did they...?- 1981.
0:34:02 > 0:34:05Yes, they mislaid it in '82. Two members of the...
0:34:05 > 0:34:07- 1982.- It would have been, yes.
0:34:07 > 0:34:08Two members of the team decided
0:34:08 > 0:34:11to take the cup to a darts match, where it disappeared.
0:34:11 > 0:34:13And many years later a man called Adrian Reed
0:34:13 > 0:34:15was identified as the culprit.
0:34:15 > 0:34:17He took it to a local police station.
0:34:17 > 0:34:18But it didn't end there,
0:34:18 > 0:34:20cos the police decided to have a football match for it.
0:34:20 > 0:34:22So they kept it, so that they could brag
0:34:22 > 0:34:25about being the European Cup winners.
0:34:26 > 0:34:29And the FA Cup gets damaged so much every year
0:34:29 > 0:34:31that it has to get repaired every single year
0:34:31 > 0:34:33because it gets bashed about in the bath.
0:34:33 > 0:34:37- I love they've got a pot of tea by the bath.- Yes.
0:34:37 > 0:34:40A bottle of milk. A bottle of milk is very nice.
0:34:40 > 0:34:43You always used to see them. Quite often you'd see them drinking milk.
0:34:43 > 0:34:45It must have been this early sponsorship thing.
0:34:45 > 0:34:49But always after the FA Cup... I just remembered this now.
0:34:49 > 0:34:53In the post-match interviews, they'd be standing holding a pint of milk.
0:34:53 > 0:34:57- The last thing you want.- Probably sponsored by the Milk Board.
0:34:57 > 0:34:58The Milk Marketing Board.
0:34:58 > 0:35:01So Aston Villa may not have a great record of winning trophies,
0:35:01 > 0:35:04but they have a rather impressive record of losing them.
0:35:04 > 0:35:05Speaking of losers,
0:35:05 > 0:35:07it's time for the lucky dip that is General Ignorance.
0:35:07 > 0:35:09Fingers on buzzers, please.
0:35:09 > 0:35:12And don't forget that tonight the lowest scorer will be the winner.
0:35:12 > 0:35:14Which day is added to a leap year?
0:35:16 > 0:35:17Yeah?
0:35:17 > 0:35:18February 29th.
0:35:18 > 0:35:21Yeah, well done, absolutely. No, it isn't.
0:35:22 > 0:35:23Right, well, it is.
0:35:26 > 0:35:28I'm standing my ground on this one.
0:35:28 > 0:35:31They squeeze into the middle of February
0:35:31 > 0:35:34and add an extra 24th, so the 24th becomes the 25th,
0:35:34 > 0:35:3625th becomes 26th, 26th becomes 27th,
0:35:36 > 0:35:3927th becomes 28th, 28th becomes 29th.
0:35:39 > 0:35:40The reason for that is that
0:35:40 > 0:35:43the Roman calendar was divided into three.
0:35:43 > 0:35:45The Kalends, the Nones and the Ides.
0:35:45 > 0:35:48And when it came to discovering, which they did,
0:35:48 > 0:35:54that a year was actually not 365 days but 365 days and a quarter,
0:35:54 > 0:35:58they added it into one of those calendar series.
0:35:58 > 0:36:01Now you may say this is just ridiculous, they added 29,
0:36:01 > 0:36:05but they didn't, and in fact the proof of this is that in Denmark,
0:36:05 > 0:36:09the day on which a woman is allowed to propose to a man
0:36:09 > 0:36:12is the 24th of February, not the 29th.
0:36:12 > 0:36:13That's the reason. Yeah.
0:36:13 > 0:36:16There's an extra day in the middle of February that, apart from Denmark,
0:36:16 > 0:36:18nobody else has noticed it.
0:36:18 > 0:36:20Well, the Catholic church did until the '70s,
0:36:20 > 0:36:21it was St Matthias's Day.
0:36:21 > 0:36:25- So vicars were going, "Ah, it's the secret day today."- Yeah.
0:36:25 > 0:36:27St Matthias's day was the 24th February,
0:36:27 > 0:36:29but on leap years it was the 25th.
0:36:29 > 0:36:30I was with you, Alan, really.
0:36:30 > 0:36:32- But it's good, because he got his extra points.- He did.
0:36:32 > 0:36:36- Yeah, you see, don't forget that. - Lucky bastard, as it turns out.
0:36:36 > 0:36:39So the day you add for a leap year is actually February 24th.
0:36:39 > 0:36:42In which year did World War II begin?
0:36:42 > 0:36:44- Oh, yes?- 1939.
0:36:44 > 0:36:46Well now, there, well done.
0:36:46 > 0:36:48Coming up on the rails.
0:36:48 > 0:36:50Yes, absolutely. Overuse of the whip.
0:36:50 > 0:36:52I just wanted to make sure it's working.
0:36:52 > 0:36:54Yes, you're still winning. Yeah?
0:36:54 > 0:36:56- '39?- He just said that.- I know.
0:36:56 > 0:36:57It doesn't work twice.
0:36:57 > 0:37:00I was just waiting to hear why it wasn't 1939.
0:37:00 > 0:37:03Well, that's a very Anglo-Franco point of view.
0:37:03 > 0:37:07Certainly it's when the British and the French joined the war,
0:37:07 > 0:37:10but before then the Germans had been at war with other countries
0:37:10 > 0:37:12and the Chinese had been at war with the Japanese.
0:37:12 > 0:37:15That was a very global sort of event, it spread out,
0:37:15 > 0:37:17and of course there were alliances and other such things.
0:37:17 > 0:37:20So you could argue it was '37, you could argue it was '35,
0:37:20 > 0:37:23you could say the Spanish Civil War with all the International Brigades
0:37:23 > 0:37:26that went in, that was the beginning of the world conflict.
0:37:26 > 0:37:28But could it strictly speaking be the WORLD war at that point?
0:37:28 > 0:37:31- I mean, how many countries does it take?- I don't know.
0:37:31 > 0:37:33It certainly is nothing like the entire globe.
0:37:33 > 0:37:36- Austria-Hungary is probably not enough.- No.
0:37:36 > 0:37:39My father was an MEP along with Otto von Habsburg who,
0:37:39 > 0:37:42had things been different, would've had much more power.
0:37:42 > 0:37:45My father was watching the football in the common room at the Parliament
0:37:45 > 0:37:47and Otto came in and said, "Who's playing?"
0:37:47 > 0:37:48My father said, "Austria Hungary."
0:37:48 > 0:37:50He said, "Oh, against whom?"
0:37:50 > 0:37:53LAUGHTER
0:37:53 > 0:37:55So Britain joined World War II in 1939, yes,
0:37:55 > 0:38:01but it had been going on since at least 1937 and arguably since 1935.
0:38:01 > 0:38:04Could you beat a T-Rex at arm-wrestling?
0:38:04 > 0:38:05Yes, easily.
0:38:05 > 0:38:07- KLAXON - Yes, easily.
0:38:07 > 0:38:10Well done. Even the word "easily" you got.
0:38:10 > 0:38:13LAUGHTER
0:38:13 > 0:38:16Either that's the fastest typist in the world or I was bang on.
0:38:16 > 0:38:19- A couple of points for both words. - Very good indeed.
0:38:19 > 0:38:21No. It may be that, in relation to its body,
0:38:21 > 0:38:24the T-Rex's arms look rather spindly and puny.
0:38:24 > 0:38:26In fact, they are enormous
0:38:26 > 0:38:30and powerful they are able to lift the equivalent to about 400 lbs,
0:38:30 > 0:38:33whereas the average human being would be about 150 lbs.
0:38:33 > 0:38:37- Plus I did once lose an arm-wrestle to Boris Johnson.- Did you?
0:38:37 > 0:38:40Lost, can you believe that? I thought he was all blubber.
0:38:40 > 0:38:41He is a horse of a man.
0:38:41 > 0:38:44- He is, he's Turkish, he's got Turkish blood in him.- Hugely strong.
0:38:44 > 0:38:47Low centre of gravity.
0:38:47 > 0:38:48LAUGHTER
0:38:48 > 0:38:51We were in a Turkish bath at the time.
0:38:51 > 0:38:54- So, you were in a Turkish bath... - I wasn't in a Turkish bath.
0:38:54 > 0:38:57I was just arm-wrestling him over who had vomited most
0:38:57 > 0:39:00in an F-15 fighter jet. How manly is that?
0:39:01 > 0:39:05Yes, I went in a Jaguar, and Hugh Laurie went in one as well.
0:39:05 > 0:39:07And Hugh is the butchest man you've ever met -
0:39:07 > 0:39:10he's just extraordinarily athletic, natural athlete.
0:39:10 > 0:39:13And we each got on this aeroplane.
0:39:13 > 0:39:17He looked at me, the squadron leader, as he belted me up
0:39:17 > 0:39:19and said, "Hmm, yeah, oh, OK." And I thought, "Of course,
0:39:19 > 0:39:22"I'll be the one who throws up and Hugh would be flying beside
0:39:22 > 0:39:24"and look at me and go, 'ha-ha'."
0:39:24 > 0:39:27Hugh threw up for the entire journey and I was completely fine.
0:39:27 > 0:39:29But the bad bit was when we landed
0:39:29 > 0:39:30and I said to the squadron leader,
0:39:30 > 0:39:33"When you were just belting me up and you looked at me and you went,
0:39:33 > 0:39:35"Erm, yeah, OK," what was that about?
0:39:35 > 0:39:37He said, "Oh, I didn't want to worry you.
0:39:37 > 0:39:40"If we had had to use the ejection seat,
0:39:40 > 0:39:43"your kneecaps would have stayed behind."
0:39:43 > 0:39:45LAUGHTER
0:39:45 > 0:39:48- My legs were just...- Exactly the same.- You would have the same.
0:39:48 > 0:39:51Exactly the same in a Hawker Hunter. I would have shot out
0:39:51 > 0:39:55and the lower half of my legs would have remained in the plane.
0:39:55 > 0:39:59It's a bomb underneath you. It's just... Not a chance. Anyway.
0:39:59 > 0:40:00God, I was sick.
0:40:00 > 0:40:03I was supposed to be dropping a laser-guided bomb
0:40:03 > 0:40:05and I had these three screens and you have to...
0:40:05 > 0:40:07This was a dream.
0:40:07 > 0:40:11I kept vomiting all over the screens and so I missed
0:40:11 > 0:40:15not just the target but all of North Carolina with my bomb.
0:40:15 > 0:40:17I have no idea where it landed, to this day.
0:40:17 > 0:40:20I was sick a lot into their machinery.
0:40:21 > 0:40:23Well, despite having mimsy arms,
0:40:23 > 0:40:25Tyrannosaurs were very strong indeed.
0:40:25 > 0:40:28What is the length of an Olympic swimming pool?
0:40:31 > 0:40:3250 metres.
0:40:32 > 0:40:33100 metres.
0:40:33 > 0:40:3550 metres, no.
0:40:35 > 0:40:38It is counted as 50 metres, but it isn't 50 metres.
0:40:38 > 0:40:39It's 50 metres.
0:40:39 > 0:40:40LAUGHTER
0:40:41 > 0:40:46According to the Federation Internationale Natation -
0:40:46 > 0:40:49- de Natation, "of swimming"... - Oh. Those bastards.
0:40:50 > 0:40:53Olympic swimming pools are over-sized
0:40:53 > 0:40:56by a centimetre at each end. Why?
0:40:56 > 0:40:58So you don't bash your ankles when you do that spin-turn thing.
0:40:58 > 0:41:02No, it's not that. What do you need in order to have an Olympic race?
0:41:02 > 0:41:03A winning tape.
0:41:03 > 0:41:06Well, you need a lap counter and you need something that
0:41:06 > 0:41:09makes sure that the guy has completed the lap, or the girl.
0:41:09 > 0:41:14- A sensor.- The sensor pad. In each lane you need one of those.
0:41:14 > 0:41:16- Which is a centimetre at each end. - They have to touch it.
0:41:16 > 0:41:18What about peeing in the pool?
0:41:18 > 0:41:20Is that considered a bad thing by Olympic swimmers?
0:41:20 > 0:41:23Oh, it is bad. It's very bad, isn't it? Because...
0:41:23 > 0:41:25Pooing is right out, but...
0:41:27 > 0:41:30It does something with the chlorine, it mixes with the chlorine.
0:41:30 > 0:41:33Well, Olympic swimmers are perfectly happy to do it
0:41:33 > 0:41:35- and perfectly happy to admit that they do it.- No!- Ugh!
0:41:35 > 0:41:38And Michael Phelps, the greatest Olympian of all time
0:41:38 > 0:41:40in terms of his medal haul, old bucket-hands himself...
0:41:40 > 0:41:42Old Pissy Phelps.
0:41:42 > 0:41:45LAUGHTER
0:41:45 > 0:41:47He says, "Everybody pees in the pool,
0:41:47 > 0:41:49"it's kind of a normal thing to do for swimmers.
0:41:49 > 0:41:51"When you're in the water for two hours,
0:41:51 > 0:41:53"we don't really get out to pee. Chlorine kills it."
0:41:53 > 0:41:56- Two hours?!- What two-hour race has he been in?
0:41:56 > 0:41:58They do actually practise.
0:41:58 > 0:42:01Well, the fact is, an Olympic-sized swimming pool is actually
0:42:01 > 0:42:03two centimetres longer than you think.
0:42:03 > 0:42:04And full of piss.
0:42:04 > 0:42:07And indeed, almost entirely full of urine.
0:42:07 > 0:42:10How old do you have to be to go on a Club 18...
0:42:10 > 0:42:14Oh, that must mean that we've come to the end of the show.
0:42:14 > 0:42:18Let's look at the scores and see who's tonight's lucky loser.
0:42:18 > 0:42:20Well, well, well, well, well.
0:42:20 > 0:42:23The clear, outright and extraordinary winner,
0:42:23 > 0:42:26with an amazing minus 23
0:42:26 > 0:42:27is Danny Baker!
0:42:27 > 0:42:29Hurray, thank you.
0:42:29 > 0:42:31APPLAUSE
0:42:32 > 0:42:35Thank you. Thank you. Couldn't be more proud.
0:42:35 > 0:42:38In second place, with a very, very impressive minus five,
0:42:38 > 0:42:40Jeremy Clarkson.
0:42:40 > 0:42:43Is that good or bad? APPLAUSE
0:42:44 > 0:42:47The wrong side of the ledger with plus three, Sandi Toksvig.
0:42:47 > 0:42:48APPLAUSE
0:42:53 > 0:42:56But the joker in a pack of 52 cards,
0:42:56 > 0:42:59yes, plus 52 for Alan Davies.
0:42:59 > 0:43:00APPLAUSE
0:43:06 > 0:43:10- The blue whale.- Blue whale.- The blue whale was a very bad, bad call.
0:43:10 > 0:43:14That's all from Sandi, Danny, Jeremy, Alan and me.
0:43:14 > 0:43:17And I leave you with a last word from actor Edmund Gwenn.
0:43:17 > 0:43:20When asked if dying was tough, he said,
0:43:20 > 0:43:23"Yes, it's tough, but not as tough as doing comedy."
0:43:23 > 0:43:24Good night.