0:00:30 > 0:00:33Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:33 > 0:00:37good evening, good evening, good evening and welcome to QI.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Tonight, we look through both telescope and microscope
0:00:40 > 0:00:44at the Quite Interesting world of Little and Large.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Joining us tonight are the gigantic Phill Jupitus...
0:00:47 > 0:00:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:51 > 0:00:53..the massive Richard Osman...
0:00:53 > 0:00:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:56 > 0:00:58..the titanic Lucy Porter...
0:00:58 > 0:01:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:01 > 0:01:02..and - oh, my gosh,
0:01:02 > 0:01:06he's so teeny-weeny I could squish him - Alan Davies.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Now, let's go large on your little buzzers.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Phill goes...
0:01:16 > 0:01:18MUSIC: Big Spender by Shirley Bassey
0:01:18 > 0:01:19# Hey, big spender
0:01:19 > 0:01:21# Spend
0:01:21 > 0:01:25# A little time with me. #
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Big Spender. Richard goes...
0:01:27 > 0:01:30MUSIC: Big Bad John by Jimmy Dean
0:01:30 > 0:01:33# Big John, big John
0:01:33 > 0:01:36# Big bad John... #
0:01:36 > 0:01:37Lucy goes...
0:01:37 > 0:01:41MUSIC: Big Girls Don't Cry by Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons
0:01:41 > 0:01:45# Big girls don't cry... #
0:01:45 > 0:01:47And Alan goes...
0:01:47 > 0:01:53MUSIC: Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini by Brian Hyland
0:01:53 > 0:01:59Lovely. Now, during this L series of QI, we have a Spend A Penny joker.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01SPEND-A-PENNY JINGLE PLAYS
0:02:01 > 0:02:04TOILET FLUSHES
0:02:04 > 0:02:08You should use it if you think one of the answers in today's show
0:02:08 > 0:02:10is of a lavatorial bent.
0:02:10 > 0:02:15So, what's the largest native land animal, hmm,
0:02:15 > 0:02:19that you'll find all year round on Antarctica?
0:02:21 > 0:02:25I don't think there are any land animals on Antarctica.
0:02:25 > 0:02:26Humans? Human beings?
0:02:26 > 0:02:29- Oooh! - KLAXON
0:02:29 > 0:02:30I did say...
0:02:30 > 0:02:33The line between clever and stupid is so... It's so thin, isn't it?
0:02:33 > 0:02:36I did say "native". Obviously there are humans.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38- Oh, I beg your pardon. - Yeah, there are natives.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40- Is it a penguin, a big penguin?- Oh!
0:02:40 > 0:02:43KLAXON
0:02:43 > 0:02:45I mean... Right, OK.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49So it's not that, because I made the evil siren go off.
0:02:49 > 0:02:50Would it be whales?
0:02:50 > 0:02:52A whale isn't a land animal.
0:02:52 > 0:02:57- A seal?- If the water melts really quickly it is.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00I will give you a clue. You've already said penguin...
0:03:00 > 0:03:03It's a flightless animal, but it's not a big mammal.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Given that it is big and little and large, is it very wee?
0:03:06 > 0:03:09It is actually very small. Although it's the largest.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Is it krill?
0:03:11 > 0:03:14- I just like saying "krill." - I like saying "krill" too.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16- Is it a mosquito or something like that?- It's an insect.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19You're in the right direction. It's like a mosquito.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Mosquitoes are like... If you go to Scotland, what do you get?
0:03:21 > 0:03:24- A ladybird.- Midge.- Midge. - Midge, midge. It's a midge.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27It's a...bug? A midge?
0:03:27 > 0:03:31Belgica Antarctica. The Belgian, as you might say, midge.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35There it is - it's wingless, flightless, it's a midge
0:03:35 > 0:03:37and the point is, it's native to Antarctica.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40There are all kinds of animals, like humans, like penguins,
0:03:40 > 0:03:43that spend a bit of their time in Antarctica.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Penguins only 25% of their time,
0:03:45 > 0:03:4775% of their time, they're at sea.
0:03:47 > 0:03:48They're not a land animal.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51"Arr, but we're married to the sea.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53- "Penguins, we love the life." - They do.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55"Away from our nagging wives
0:03:55 > 0:03:58"with their beaks and their wings,
0:03:58 > 0:04:00"sitting on eggs. Arr!"
0:04:00 > 0:04:02There they are. Ah, bless.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05What is it about them that is so endearing?
0:04:05 > 0:04:07They're delicious.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09LAUGHTER
0:04:09 > 0:04:12Mmm, that's good eatin'.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Talking of humans not being native to Antarctica,
0:04:15 > 0:04:18there's a story the other day about the American scientist who's there,
0:04:18 > 0:04:20and he decided to turn Tinder on -
0:04:20 > 0:04:22- you know Tinder, the dating app? - Oh, yes?- Oh.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25And he got a date with a woman in a tent 45 minutes away,
0:04:25 > 0:04:28- who was also a researcher. - You're kidding me!
0:04:28 > 0:04:30- That's hilarious!- That would be great if she came up and he went,
0:04:30 > 0:04:33"Nah..."
0:04:33 > 0:04:36Grindr, however - all penguins.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39But if they were to mate, say, have a child,
0:04:39 > 0:04:41raise that child there, suddenly...
0:04:41 > 0:04:43That child would be endemic or native to Antarctica.
0:04:43 > 0:04:47Yeah, and by the time this goes out on Dave, everyone will be like, "What about the..."
0:04:47 > 0:04:52- Yeah, you're right.- Yeah, what about the Tinder baby?- The midge.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54They've got wifi, that's the best thing about that.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56- Yeah, wifi on Antarctica. - That's good going.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00- Yeah, it is impressive.- I bet the penguins are all hooked up.
0:05:00 > 0:05:01"They're all the same."
0:05:01 > 0:05:04LAUGHTER
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Their version of Tinder is called Pick Up A Penguin.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09LAUGHTER
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Very good. So, now...
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Identify the world's biggest gasbag.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17LAUGHTER
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Oh, Lord. John McCririck.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22John McCririck is a very good answer.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24An actual bag of actual gas?
0:05:24 > 0:05:28That would probably be the best way to go.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Without hinting too much.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32I presume something like the Hindenburg, an airship.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34An enormous airship, perhaps.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Well...kind of like an airship, yes, though in fact even bigger.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41This is the biggest such device ever constructed by man.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45Is it the one that Bruce Dickinson from Iron Maiden is involved with?
0:05:45 > 0:05:46How extraordinary you are.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48No.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51But I am very impressed that you should know of that.
0:05:51 > 0:05:52I met him about five years ago,
0:05:52 > 0:05:54he said he invested a huge amount of money,
0:05:54 > 0:05:57and it's about 200ft, or 300ft long or something,
0:05:57 > 0:05:59it's absolutely enormous. There's pictures of it,
0:05:59 > 0:06:01it looks like an arse, the way it's built.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04- That's it.- Oh, there you go. - It does. There it is, like an arse.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07It's in a hangar that's so big it has its own climate.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10- Yes.- It has clouds and all sorts of things.- Yeah.- Why, oh, why, oh, why?
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Did he do it? Well, because, for commercial reasons...
0:06:13 > 0:06:16- Oh, it goes 100mph.- Yeah, it's like properly quite impressive.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Have they sorted out the whole, you know, Hindenburg...
0:06:19 > 0:06:23- fiery-death element?- No, they decided not to worry about it.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25It can carry 50 tonnes,
0:06:25 > 0:06:28it can stay in the air for three and a half weeks.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30But the difference between that and the Hindenburg is?
0:06:30 > 0:06:33- Do you know what the...?- It's not full of hydrogen, I take it.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36The Hindenburg and the earlier airships were full of hydrogen,
0:06:36 > 0:06:40- which is incrense... Incrensely... Incrensely flammable.- Yeah.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Anyway, not just incredibly or intensely,
0:06:43 > 0:06:46- but "incrensely." Yeah.- Well, that's... Which is why it blew up.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49That's why it blew up, because it was incrensely flammable.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51What have I told you about reading Jabberwocky
0:06:51 > 0:06:54before you present shows?
0:06:54 > 0:06:56It makes it "intedibly" dangerous.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59So, yes, that was a really good interruption, as it were.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02- Is this a naturally occurring gas-bag?- No, it isn't.
0:07:02 > 0:07:06It is the biggest ever bag of gas created by human kind.
0:07:06 > 0:07:07Does it have a purpose...
0:07:07 > 0:07:10So it has a purpose other than storing the gas?
0:07:10 > 0:07:12It had a purpose, in as much as it broke three records,
0:07:12 > 0:07:15which are better remembered than this record.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18What are the three records you might think of,
0:07:18 > 0:07:20in terms of a balloon?
0:07:20 > 0:07:22- Height, distance... - Yes, height, distance...
0:07:22 > 0:07:25- ..and number of deaths. - There were no deaths.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27There were no deaths in this case.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Is it loudest pop?
0:07:29 > 0:07:30Not...
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Most excited child?
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Who... Who jumped out of a really high balloon?
0:07:35 > 0:07:37- Oh, the...- Felix Baumgartner.- Yeah.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41- GERMAN ACCENT:- Felix Baumgartner is the right answer. This is the... Ja.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43So, Felix Baumgartner - there he is.
0:07:43 > 0:07:47- He fell from a greater height than anyone has ever fallen.- Right.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50He achieved a greater speed than anyone has fallen,
0:07:50 > 0:07:53- which made him the first man ever to what?- Break the sound barrier.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Break the sound barrier, unaided.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57And it was the highest balloon ascent ever.
0:07:57 > 0:07:58Those are three records -
0:07:58 > 0:08:00the highest balloon ascent, biggest freefall...
0:08:00 > 0:08:02- Do you know what else it was, Stephen?- What's that?
0:08:02 > 0:08:04It was "incrensely" dangerous.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07Incrensely... It was incrensely dangerous!
0:08:07 > 0:08:10But it was the largest balloon ever constructed.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14And let's have a look at how bigot it was. It was... Bigoted?
0:08:14 > 0:08:17It was "bigoted" than the Statue of Liberty.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21It was more bigoted than the Statue of Liberty?
0:08:21 > 0:08:24- What is the matter?! - What is going on?!
0:08:24 > 0:08:25It is a famous bigot.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Get... Just get rid of this one, get another one in.
0:08:28 > 0:08:33"Give me your poor, your tired and tell them to piss off."
0:08:33 > 0:08:35What they'd call it in Carry On world is
0:08:35 > 0:08:37the "Statue of Diabolical Liberty".
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Anyway, it is gigantic,
0:08:39 > 0:08:41it's almost as tall as St Paul's Cathedral,
0:08:41 > 0:08:44but taller, as you can see, than the Statue of Liberty, by a few feet.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47But the comparison with the Hindenburg is interesting,
0:08:47 > 0:08:50which is one... Do you know the Hindenburg? You mentioned, I think,
0:08:50 > 0:08:52- didn't you?- Mm-hm. - There's the Hindenburg.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55And the Hindenburg burst into flames catastrophically in New Jersey,
0:08:55 > 0:08:59at the Lakehurst Naval Air Station. There it is. I mean, just awful.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02It was so sophisticated inside, incredible.
0:09:02 > 0:09:03That is, that is sophisticated.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Yeah. And they even had a cigarette lighter,
0:09:05 > 0:09:09although it was hydrogen, one of the most flammable gases there is.
0:09:09 > 0:09:10- All smoking!- But it was chained.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13"Cigarette? Cigarette?" "Yes, please."
0:09:13 > 0:09:14"I like to live dangerously..."
0:09:14 > 0:09:17"What's that smell? Can anyone smell gas?"
0:09:17 > 0:09:20LAUGHTER
0:09:20 > 0:09:22"Don't be absurd."
0:09:22 > 0:09:25The cigarette lighter was chained to one place,
0:09:25 > 0:09:27so you could go up and light your cigarette.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29But everyone wore special shoes
0:09:29 > 0:09:32that didn't create friction and static electricity
0:09:32 > 0:09:35to create a spark that would set it off,
0:09:35 > 0:09:38but something went wrong. In the movie, it's supposedly sabotage.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42So there you are. What use is a blue whale at a birthday party?
0:09:42 > 0:09:46Alan, I'll give you a chance here. We know how you love blue whales.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49LAUGHTER
0:09:49 > 0:09:51It's not a blue actually, we should have offered you a blue,
0:09:51 > 0:09:54but in fact that is a hump. It's a humper.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58- That's not real, that photo, is it? - Oh, yes. Oh, yes, Alan's a diver.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00A blue whale at a birthday party?
0:10:00 > 0:10:04- Well, they take up a lot of room, you'd need a big hall.- Yeah.
0:10:04 > 0:10:05It's good, I think you're getting there.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Yeah. That's good encouragement, thanks, Richard.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10That's OK.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14Think it would be fun for the kids to get inside, couldn't they?
0:10:14 > 0:10:15- Play around.- True.- Bouncy castle?
0:10:15 > 0:10:19- Bouncy arsehole, did you say?- No...
0:10:19 > 0:10:22I didn't, but by all means.
0:10:22 > 0:10:23Oh, bouncy castle.
0:10:23 > 0:10:28- Bouncy castle.- Oh, yeah, yeah, I see what you mean, yeah.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32"Yeah, I'd like to... I'd like to hire a bouncy arsehole, if I may."
0:10:32 > 0:10:35LAUGHTER
0:10:35 > 0:10:36Oops.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38No. List things that you need for children's parties.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41- Well, my kids...- Cake, I was thinking candles.- Yeah.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44- Candles is one. - My kids love ambergris, so...
0:10:44 > 0:10:47You're quite right, ambergris does come from a whale.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49It would be a natural for a blue whale. Right, cake...
0:10:49 > 0:10:51- Pass the parcel.- Pass the parcel.
0:10:51 > 0:10:52- Balloons?- Yes!- Balloons!
0:10:52 > 0:10:55- Balloons.- A big whale balloon. Whales filled with helium.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Why would a blue whale be useful at a children's party?
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Because it can fill up, it's got the largest breath in the world.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Yes. Because, in one breath,
0:11:02 > 0:11:04a blue whale could inflate
0:11:04 > 0:11:071,250 balloons.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10- Wow.- OK.- That's a spoilt child.
0:11:10 > 0:11:11I agree.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15I take that point, but I'm fairly sure it's never happened.
0:11:15 > 0:11:16No, no. You're right.
0:11:16 > 0:11:20Yeah, and also, logistically, it would be almost impossible.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23I would like... Whales live to be very old as well, don't they?
0:11:23 > 0:11:25- Oh, yes.- So I would like one at my birthday party
0:11:25 > 0:11:27to make me feel both young and slim.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Yes. Whales aren't particularly slim though, Lucy.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32No, but I would, next to a whale...
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Oh, I see, next to a whale. Yeah, sorry, I'm so stupid.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37I'm not asking for much of a compliment, Stephen.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39No, no. I'm sorry!
0:11:39 > 0:11:41- Just...you know?- I do apologise.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43You're not going to be able to get next to the whale,
0:11:43 > 0:11:46because he's in the balloon shed, pumping away.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50- HE GRUNTS - One.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52- HE GRUNTS - Two.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56Just going, "Those dolphins have it easy, don't they?"
0:11:56 > 0:12:00I'm going to give you some bags now and ask you to blow these up.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Now, you may say, that's easy enough.
0:12:02 > 0:12:07Ah, time for the controversial auto-erotic asphyxiation round.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Oh, don't, that's so rude.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11- There you are.- Here we go. - That's terrible.
0:12:11 > 0:12:15I'd just like a belt and a tangerine now.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17So you're blowing up.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20What you're doing is, you're trying to blow up...
0:12:22 > 0:12:25- All right.- Look how clever she is.
0:12:25 > 0:12:26How did you do that?
0:12:26 > 0:12:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:30 > 0:12:32I'll show you here. It's called the Bernoulli effect.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35- I can't even do that, Richard. - OK, watch this.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39One blow.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:48 > 0:12:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:52 > 0:12:54So there you are.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Just one blow from a distance, like that, which you did.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00So you get the points there, Lucy, that's very impressive.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03So put them away nicely. You can put them away now.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06But that's the Bernoulli effect, which is rather impressive.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09You can try that at home, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Go to the little cupboard under the sink, boys and girls,
0:13:12 > 0:13:16- where Mummy keeps all those little bin liners...- And her gin.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Yeah, don't put them over your head. And just do that little...
0:13:19 > 0:13:21- HE BLOWS - ..effect, and then Mummy and Daddy
0:13:21 > 0:13:25- will be very impressed.- "Stephen Fry told me to do it, Mummy!"
0:13:25 > 0:13:28LAUGHTER
0:13:28 > 0:13:32Now, who said, "The most beautiful girl or woman in the world
0:13:32 > 0:13:34"would be a matter of indifference to me,
0:13:34 > 0:13:37"but tall soldiers - they are my weakness"?
0:13:37 > 0:13:39You did.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42KLAXON
0:13:42 > 0:13:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Oh, yes.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Oh, yes.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54- That was very pleasing. - It was, wasn't it?
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Was it someone who had a tall soldier
0:13:57 > 0:13:58pointing a gun at them at the time?
0:13:58 > 0:14:00You'd think so.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03This person was obsessed with tall soldiers,
0:14:03 > 0:14:06- tall people generally. - Was it my PA, Kelly?
0:14:08 > 0:14:09She would be.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12She is literally... All she wants in the world, if you know anyone,
0:14:12 > 0:14:15is a ginger squaddie - that's all she wants. It's all she wants.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18- But a tall ginger squaddie?- A tall ginger squaddie or, failing that,
0:14:18 > 0:14:20a ginger roofer. So if you know anybody...
0:14:20 > 0:14:22All right, you heard it here first.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25I do have a... I have an inkling about this,
0:14:25 > 0:14:29but I can't remember... It was a squadron...
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Potsdam?
0:14:31 > 0:14:32Ah, brilliant! Absolutely right.
0:14:32 > 0:14:37Yeah, there were the Potsdam Giants. Yeah, absolutely right.
0:14:37 > 0:14:42It was King Frederick Wilhelm I of Proist,
0:14:42 > 0:14:45or Prussia, who was the father of Frederick the Great.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47And he became King in 1713,
0:14:47 > 0:14:49as you all know.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53And he was obsessed with tall soldiers.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56- And he would kidnap them, he would recruit them...- It's like your PA.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58He would get them from any country that wanted to be in with Prussia,
0:14:58 > 0:15:00which was just growing as a power.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03He himself was only five foot five.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06So he wasn't very tall. But he just got them from all over the place.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09In fact, one of his tallest was a seven-foot Irishman
0:15:09 > 0:15:11called James Kirkland,
0:15:11 > 0:15:14who was a hero of the Regiment of Potsdam Giants.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16And he paid fathers for tall sons,
0:15:16 > 0:15:18he paid tall women to have sex with tall men
0:15:18 > 0:15:21so they could have tall sons. He was, and if he was...
0:15:21 > 0:15:25He sounds like my kind of guy, I've got to say.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29If he was unhappy, he'd get two or three hundred of his giants...
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Ho, ho, don't finish this sentence.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35No, no, no. Preceded by tall, turbaned Moors,
0:15:35 > 0:15:38with cymbals and trumpets of the Grenadiers' mascot,
0:15:38 > 0:15:40an enormous bear, to march for him to cheer him up.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42And they'd do this through his bedroom if he was ill.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45- To march for him?- With a bear as well?- How big was his bedroom?
0:15:45 > 0:15:48It must have been, well, enormous. He was an emperor.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51He wants big men and a bear, marching to strict rhythm,
0:15:51 > 0:15:54which you can find in Old Compton Street, most Fridays.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56- You're right. You're right. - PHILL BEATBOXES
0:15:56 > 0:15:58You'd think he'd want them to do tall stuff.
0:15:58 > 0:16:02- Like reach up to high shelves?- Yeah, stuff off shelves or something.
0:16:02 > 0:16:03Yes, that's true. Plucking.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06What's the point of having them just walking up and down?
0:16:06 > 0:16:08I don't know. He had his particular thing.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10The reason I've heard of this is because
0:16:10 > 0:16:13when I got together with my husband, someone made this reference,
0:16:13 > 0:16:16because I'm four foot eleven and my husband is six foot five,
0:16:16 > 0:16:17- which is like...- Hmm, Justin.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20It's like, yes, in the bedroom it's like a ventriloquism act
0:16:20 > 0:16:22that's gone really seriously wrong.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26- You know, a horrible image, I know.- Or so right!
0:16:26 > 0:16:27Well, yes.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29There's a... Well, Frederick would have loved it, obviously.
0:16:29 > 0:16:33- Yeah.- What does he make you do while he's drinking a pint of water?
0:16:33 > 0:16:36LAUGHTER
0:16:36 > 0:16:39I'll bet it's not the alphabet.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Oh!
0:16:41 > 0:16:43Now.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46So, and almost 100 years,
0:16:46 > 0:16:48this regiment was part of the Prussian army.
0:16:48 > 0:16:49Was that because they live longer?
0:16:49 > 0:16:53No, I don't mean each individual member -
0:16:53 > 0:16:55though they did live longer.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Do they get gradually shorter?
0:16:58 > 0:17:02- It was a...- "I used to be tall."
0:17:02 > 0:17:06Yes. King Frederick William of Prussia liked a tall soldier.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10But why was Sir Billy Butlin such a little devil?
0:17:10 > 0:17:12- Hmm.- Oh, holiday camps.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Butlins holiday camps. Minehead, Scarborough, Filey.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18- Skegness.- Skegness, yeah. - Were the chalets little?
0:17:18 > 0:17:21- No, but Billy Butlin himself... - Was he tiny?
0:17:21 > 0:17:24He was. And if you think about the age he is,
0:17:24 > 0:17:27- you might be able to work this out. - Second World War?
0:17:27 > 0:17:29- No.- First World War?
0:17:29 > 0:17:31The First World War, that's the generation he was.
0:17:31 > 0:17:32And in the First World war,
0:17:32 > 0:17:36they had something to make people fight, which was called?
0:17:36 > 0:17:37Bromide.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40No. It was a law.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42- Conscription.- Conscription, yes. - Conscription.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45But one of the things that could get you out of being conscripted
0:17:45 > 0:17:47- was that if you were? - Tiny.- If you were small.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Did he pretend to be bigger to...?
0:17:50 > 0:17:53No, he, as it were,
0:17:53 > 0:17:57fell under a particular desperation that the British Army...
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Did they start a short army?
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Yes, they literally did.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Lord Derby, the Earl of Derby said,
0:18:04 > 0:18:07"Now, hang on, there are a whole load of short people, as it were,
0:18:07 > 0:18:09"getting under the wire.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12"And all these tall people are fighting and dying for us,
0:18:12 > 0:18:14"we want more people to die for us.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16"There simply aren't enough people dying.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19"And all these short people are living.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21"So we're going to have a short brigade."
0:18:21 > 0:18:25And they were known as the "Bantams." The "Bantam Brigade."
0:18:25 > 0:18:27I know, they were...
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Presumably it would be quite good,
0:18:29 > 0:18:30you could play on the opposition's...
0:18:30 > 0:18:33- You know, the opposing army's sense of perspective?- Yeah. Exactly.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37- In some way you're like... - "Those soldiers are really far away."
0:18:37 > 0:18:40- Yeah, that's right.- "We have ages. They won't get here for days."
0:18:40 > 0:18:44"They are no danger to us... Argh!"
0:18:44 > 0:18:47These were men under five foot three
0:18:47 > 0:18:49and Billy Butlin was one of them.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52They became known as "The Devils", in fact, the "Devil's Dwarfs",
0:18:52 > 0:18:53- because they were so... - Oh, my God!
0:18:53 > 0:18:56..their reputation for brawling and mischief.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59They were very, very aggressive.
0:18:59 > 0:19:03Here they are, being inspected by a splendid man with a moustache.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05"Well done, well done."
0:19:05 > 0:19:07German shin injuries up 75%.
0:19:07 > 0:19:11LAUGHTER
0:19:11 > 0:19:15"All our legs are being shot away from us, we do not know why."
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Surely they should have just put them
0:19:17 > 0:19:20- on each other's shoulders in a long coat.- Oh, yeah.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23The most famous of them was called Henry Threadgould,
0:19:23 > 0:19:24who was only four foot nine.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26And he was believed to be the shortest soldier
0:19:26 > 0:19:28ever to have served in the British Army.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31There he is, next to quite a tall Scottish soldier.
0:19:31 > 0:19:32But that's a short chap,
0:19:32 > 0:19:36but chirpy and cheerful and ready to lay down his life for our country.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39- I hope he doesn't shake hands with him.- Hey, now.
0:19:39 > 0:19:40That's given my husband and I
0:19:40 > 0:19:44a whole new avenue for bedroom role-play.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48- "You be Henry and I'll be a Scots Guard."- Yeah!
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Well, there you are.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54So next time you go on a Butlins holiday, you can say,
0:19:54 > 0:19:57"Well, thank you, Billy, for putting your life at risk,
0:19:57 > 0:19:59"despite the fact that you weren't as tall as most soldiers."
0:19:59 > 0:20:01And he survived.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03He survived, in order to create these holiday camps. Yeah.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06- With tiny beds.- With...
0:20:06 > 0:20:10Now, bearing in mind the Potsdam Giants and the Devil Dwarfs,
0:20:10 > 0:20:13what do you make of these?
0:20:13 > 0:20:16- Alan?- Oh, now...- Yes, absolutely.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Strap on your feet to make you taller?
0:20:19 > 0:20:23Can you pass those to Phill? Thank you. Alan, these are for you.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26- I'm sort of guessing I'm not going to need any.- You're not.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Lucy, these are for you.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:31 > 0:20:33- Oh, I feel... - Whoa!- Whoo!
0:20:33 > 0:20:36There's a Naomi Campbell moment coming on here, isn't there?
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Actually, we're going to do a little experiment.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40There's an artist called Hans Hemmert,
0:20:40 > 0:20:45and in 1997, he created a piece, an art project...
0:20:45 > 0:20:48- I've seen this.- Have you?- Hmm. - It was called Level.- That's right.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51And the idea was that he made these things
0:20:51 > 0:20:54so that everybody was six and a half foot tall.
0:20:54 > 0:20:59Essentially two metres, being a European. So, you're six eight?
0:20:59 > 0:21:02- I'm six seven. - Six seven. You're five eleven.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05I'm six four and a bit. You are?
0:21:05 > 0:21:07I'm six foot, but I've got creepers on, so I'm six one.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11- Six one at the moment. And, darling?- Four eleven.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14See I now can't see Lucy.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16No, you can't actually see her at the moment.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18They are half my height, that's it.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21So, rather than get you to wear these,
0:21:21 > 0:21:22we've actually given you blocks,
0:21:22 > 0:21:26so we're all going to stand up to show what this art work revealed.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28What you have to do, Richard,
0:21:28 > 0:21:32- is duck down to be the same size as Alan.- All right.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35I have to go on tiptoes to be a couple of inches taller.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37- And you have to stand on your block. - Come on, girl.
0:21:37 > 0:21:41- Which one am I, this one?- Yeah. - Phillip will help you up.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43LAUGHTER
0:21:43 > 0:21:47And we're now all the same height. It's an artwork!
0:21:47 > 0:21:52APPLAUSE
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Isn't that astonishing?
0:21:54 > 0:21:56You see what that's like, Lucy?
0:21:56 > 0:21:59This is the happiest I've ever been.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01You tire of it, you tire of it, I promise.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04- You're so far form the desk when you want to write something down.- I know.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07When you want to pick your tea up, you've got to go all the way down.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09- I know.- It is hard with us, because, you know,
0:22:09 > 0:22:12you have to move things onto higher shelves as children get older.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15I can't reach the cleaning fluids in my house now.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17I'm like a Borrower, it's ridiculous.
0:22:17 > 0:22:21- So, let's sit down. - Careful now, health and safety!
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Whoa!
0:22:23 > 0:22:26The one thing when you are six seven, or you're very tall,
0:22:26 > 0:22:29is you endlessly get asked to be on police identity parades.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32- That's exactly what will happen. - But you do. At least once a week
0:22:32 > 0:22:34people say, "You don't have 15 minutes, do you, sir?"
0:22:34 > 0:22:37I think because they don't have a ready pool of people to do it.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40- That's bizarre.- And a lot of tall people commit crimes.- Yes, they do.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43- Oh, yeah.- I'm an example. - And we get away with it, too.
0:22:43 > 0:22:47- I think what it is, a lot of short people report crimes.- Yes.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50- But you can see...- "He was huge!"
0:22:50 > 0:22:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:53 > 0:22:54"How tall?"
0:22:54 > 0:22:57"At least six foot six or something. He was huge."
0:22:57 > 0:22:59"A giant of a man, he was."
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Anyway, the idea was an artwork called Levels,
0:23:01 > 0:23:04which was something to do with the idea that people from business
0:23:04 > 0:23:07and meetings and everything else should all be the same size.
0:23:07 > 0:23:11Anyway, what are the GIMPS searching for?
0:23:11 > 0:23:14LAUGHTER
0:23:14 > 0:23:16That's a Travelodge curtain!
0:23:16 > 0:23:18LAUGHTER
0:23:18 > 0:23:20- It definitely is. - I love that you recognise is.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Anyway, that's their curtains.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25It's impossible to tell, with the old zip done up.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29"You don't know where the station is, do you?"
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Is it an acronym?
0:23:33 > 0:23:34Aaah...
0:23:34 > 0:23:39"Great, Giant, Italian Men...Posturing Slowly."
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Great is right, "Great."
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Is the MP "Magnetic Pulse"?
0:23:43 > 0:23:45- No, but I love the way you're thinking.- All right.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48Is it searching for extraterrestrial life?
0:23:48 > 0:23:51It is searching, but it's searching for something much closer to home
0:23:51 > 0:23:55- or, indeed, wider in the universe. - Parking Space! PS, "Parking Space."
0:23:55 > 0:23:58It's a Great something and the S is a "Search."
0:23:58 > 0:24:01So it's a Great something something something Search.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04- It's using computers. - Michael Parkinson?- Since 1996...
0:24:04 > 0:24:05Mum Porn.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08It could have been a man-porn search, that's not that difficult,
0:24:08 > 0:24:10but in 1996, from 1996 onwards,
0:24:10 > 0:24:14a lot of people have devoted the time of their computers
0:24:14 > 0:24:16to run a little programme
0:24:16 > 0:24:19which helps search for something very rare and extraordinary
0:24:19 > 0:24:22- which mathematicians have always... - Prime numbers!- Prime numbers.
0:24:22 > 0:24:26- Prime numbers.- I got it before you! - Yes, you did.- You just got in there.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29- The Great Internet Mersenne Prime Search.- Yeah.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33A Mersenne prime number is a very particular kind of prime number.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35What is a prime number, if you can just...?
0:24:35 > 0:24:37One that's divisible only by itself and one.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Is the right answer. So we start with 2, 3,
0:24:39 > 0:24:415, 7, 11,
0:24:41 > 0:24:4313, 17,
0:24:43 > 0:24:4419, 23.
0:24:44 > 0:24:48But they go into numbers with thousands of digits, don't they?
0:24:48 > 0:24:52They've found like a million-digit prime, haven't they?
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Oh! Well, 17 million. Way over 17 million digits.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58But, the thing is, there's no system behind it.
0:24:58 > 0:25:02And great mathematicians like Erdos, the great Hungarian mathematicians,
0:25:02 > 0:25:05have always tried to find some system behind it and, to this day,
0:25:05 > 0:25:08computers are battling away trying to find it.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11- Literally a needle in a haystack, isn't it?- What's a Mersenne prime?
0:25:11 > 0:25:13A Mersenne prime is a very particular prime.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16It's two to the power N, ie, two to the power anything.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19So 2 squared, 2 cubed, 2 to the power of 4,
0:25:19 > 0:25:212 to the power of 5, minus 1.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24So 2 squared is 4,
0:25:24 > 0:25:28minus 1 is 3. That's a Mersenne Prime.
0:25:28 > 0:25:325 is not a Mersenne Prime, but 2 cubed,
0:25:32 > 0:25:36which is the next power up, is 8, minus 1 is 7.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38That IS a Mersenne prime.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42And the longest prime number as yet discovered,
0:25:42 > 0:25:43while I'm speaking,
0:25:43 > 0:25:49is 17,425,170 digits long.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51That's not the number itself, that's how many digits it is.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53AUDIENCE: Ooh. You're right to ooh.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56You're right to ooh and, to some extent, you're right to ah.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59You'd be annoyed if your bill came to that in a restaurant.
0:25:59 > 0:26:04And that is a Mersenne prime, which is what's so fascinating about it.
0:26:04 > 0:26:08I'm excited now about maths, in a way I've never been. Thank you.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Good. Well, there you are. That's it.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13GIMPS is searching for ever-bigger prime numbers.
0:26:13 > 0:26:17Now, back to the Front. This is the Goliath.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Where did the driver sit?
0:26:21 > 0:26:22It didn't have one.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26- Is the right answer. - Come on!- Yes. Quite right.
0:26:26 > 0:26:31APPLAUSE
0:26:31 > 0:26:35If we zoom out, we can see that it is...
0:26:35 > 0:26:38- Is it what's his name, Butlin?- Yeah.
0:26:38 > 0:26:39They are quite small tanks.
0:26:39 > 0:26:43"Wahey! Come on, the Boche!"
0:26:45 > 0:26:48It appears to have a Tommy there, with his rifle slung.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50"I say, Sir, what on Earth are these?"
0:26:50 > 0:26:52"I've got no idea, keep smiling."
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Well, you're right. They wouldn't know what they were.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57They've just discovered them, because they're not British.
0:26:57 > 0:27:01- In fact, it's the invention of? - The Hun.- The Hun, the Boche, Jerry.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04It's an automatic, or at least remote-controlled tank,
0:27:04 > 0:27:07which is actually a mine, known as Goliath.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09And they contained a bomb
0:27:09 > 0:27:13and you remote-controlledly drove it into an enemy territory
0:27:13 > 0:27:14and blew them up.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Do those soldiers know they contain bombs?
0:27:17 > 0:27:20- I think they'd disarmed them by this time.- Oh, OK, good.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23But in terms of miniature weapons of this kind,
0:27:23 > 0:27:26the Americans really beat the Germans in quite a disgusting way.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29Do you know the Davy Crockett?
0:27:29 > 0:27:30Is it going to be a miniature sub?
0:27:30 > 0:27:34It's worse than a miniature sub, it's a portable launcher...
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Is it a suicide-bomber racoon, with a...?
0:27:36 > 0:27:40It's a portable launcher that could be mounted on a jeep.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43- And what do you think it carried? - ALAN: Bubble gum.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45"Bubble gum!"
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Oh!
0:27:47 > 0:27:49A lavatory?
0:27:49 > 0:27:53- I like the idea, it's good that you're thinking.- No.- Poo.- No.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56It was worse, it was a small nuclear bomb.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59You could actually carry a small nuclear bomb.
0:27:59 > 0:28:0475 lbs only, and in case you wanted to know what 75 lbs was,
0:28:04 > 0:28:06it's the same as an 11-year-old boy,
0:28:06 > 0:28:08five racing bicycles,
0:28:08 > 0:28:10100 cans of beer,
0:28:10 > 0:28:12300 apples,
0:28:12 > 0:28:15or 262,500 bees.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17LAUGHTER
0:28:17 > 0:28:20That's like the worst-ever conveyor belt on the Generation Game.
0:28:20 > 0:28:22LAUGHTER
0:28:22 > 0:28:24That's so true.
0:28:24 > 0:28:28I'm glad you said that, cos I always wonder what things are in bees(!)
0:28:28 > 0:28:31- It's my favourite unit.- Over a quarter of a million bees, yeah.
0:28:31 > 0:28:34There you are. 2,000 were deployed in Europe, between '61 and '71,
0:28:34 > 0:28:36to deter the Soviet forces.
0:28:36 > 0:28:39The nuclear yield could be switched between 10 and 20 tons,
0:28:39 > 0:28:42which is a huge amount, in terms of a nuclear yield.
0:28:42 > 0:28:45- And were these things used? - No. Fortunately.
0:28:45 > 0:28:46They also, in special forces,
0:28:46 > 0:28:50had something called the Special Atomic Demolition Munition,
0:28:50 > 0:28:52or SADM, rather bizarrely.
0:28:52 > 0:28:54Which could be carried in a backpack.
0:28:54 > 0:28:56- And these were backpack nukes.- What?!
0:28:56 > 0:28:59Yes, I know, it's weird, isn't it?
0:28:59 > 0:29:01On battle fronts ranging from Eastern Europe to Korea and Iran.
0:29:01 > 0:29:04Although small, each one of them was more powerful
0:29:04 > 0:29:06than the atomic bombs dropped on Nagasaki and Hiroshima.
0:29:06 > 0:29:10- You would be like, "Bagsy not carrying that one."- Yeah.
0:29:10 > 0:29:12But lots of them were carried but, fortunately, none were used,
0:29:12 > 0:29:17- as far as we know.- This show has really changed since WikiLeaks.
0:29:17 > 0:29:19We've got so much more information at our hands.
0:29:19 > 0:29:22Thank you, Edward, again.
0:29:22 > 0:29:25It is astonishing, isn't it? Absolutely amazing, as you say,
0:29:25 > 0:29:28soldier carrying an atomic bomb with more power...
0:29:28 > 0:29:31- He looks like he's just set his off and it's ticking.- Yeah.
0:29:31 > 0:29:33I think we've sort of put that together,
0:29:33 > 0:29:36because we don't actually have a shot of one with.
0:29:36 > 0:29:38But that's a soldier with a backpack.
0:29:38 > 0:29:41- What soldier?- Anyway, what's the best way to get shit out of a tank?
0:29:41 > 0:29:43LAUGHTER
0:29:43 > 0:29:45Two in the front, two in the back.
0:29:45 > 0:29:47Fire it out of the barrel?
0:29:47 > 0:29:50- Fire it out of the barrel is the right answer.- Oh, really? Blimey!
0:29:50 > 0:29:54APPLAUSE
0:29:54 > 0:29:57That's a war you don't want to be in, isn't it?
0:29:57 > 0:29:59You could have waved your little loo thing,
0:29:59 > 0:30:03- cos it is a lavatorial answer.- Which the Russians used to do with T34s.
0:30:03 > 0:30:06How did you know that? That's rather sick of you.
0:30:06 > 0:30:09The T34 is the bus from Twickenham to Kempton, isn't it?
0:30:09 > 0:30:13LAUGHTER
0:30:14 > 0:30:18And you can sling your shit out of the side of it any time.
0:30:18 > 0:30:22It was a man called Aleksandr Georgievich Semenov
0:30:22 > 0:30:26of St Petersburg, who was granted a patent
0:30:26 > 0:30:30for his Method of Biowaste Removal from Isolated Dwelling Compartment
0:30:30 > 0:30:34of Military Facility and Device for Its Implementation.
0:30:34 > 0:30:36I tell you what, they should stick an I on the front of that,
0:30:36 > 0:30:39- they'd sell a million of them. - LAUGHTER
0:30:39 > 0:30:43In plain English, it got rid of a tank crew's excrement
0:30:43 > 0:30:46by firing it out of the barrel at the enemy.
0:30:46 > 0:30:48And he described it thus...
0:30:48 > 0:30:51- RUSSIAN ACCENT:- "The military psychological positive effect
0:30:51 > 0:30:55"takes place: comprehension of the facts of delivering
0:30:55 > 0:30:58"and distribution on enemy equipment and uniform,
0:30:58 > 0:31:01"as well as the opportunity of informing other soldiers
0:31:01 > 0:31:03"and the enemy about it."
0:31:03 > 0:31:06In other words, covering the enemy with shit is good for morale
0:31:06 > 0:31:08because it's funny.
0:31:08 > 0:31:10AUDIENCE GROANS IN DISGUST
0:31:10 > 0:31:13I love the fact that got a way bigger...
0:31:13 > 0:31:18the idea of being hit with poo is much worse than the nuclear bomb.
0:31:18 > 0:31:20- But it is really, isn't it? - It is, yeah, I'll go with that.
0:31:20 > 0:31:22The 20 seconds after you've been hit by that
0:31:22 > 0:31:26is worse than 20 seconds after you've been hit by a nuclear bomb.
0:31:26 > 0:31:29You're vaporised, exactly. Or just, what do you do with that?
0:31:29 > 0:31:30You vomit, you just...
0:31:30 > 0:31:32It's horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible.
0:31:32 > 0:31:35- Beautiful story. - It is a lovely story. Thank you.
0:31:35 > 0:31:37And I'm happy to share it with you.
0:31:37 > 0:31:39Now, what did the chap on the left here have
0:31:39 > 0:31:42that was twice as big as the chap on the right?
0:31:42 > 0:31:44SNIGGERING
0:31:44 > 0:31:48- I don't know. Are these chaps inventors, Stephen?- No.
0:31:48 > 0:31:49Is it to do with their beards?
0:31:49 > 0:31:52No, they're both very, very, very famous, they're both 19th century.
0:31:52 > 0:31:56- Are they philosophers?- One of them won a Nobel Prize, the other didn't.
0:31:56 > 0:31:59Oh, is it Nobel Prize cabinet?
0:31:59 > 0:32:01LAUGHTER
0:32:01 > 0:32:07APPLAUSE
0:32:07 > 0:32:09You are faster than the speed of light tonight.
0:32:09 > 0:32:14No, it's not that, but it could easily be.
0:32:14 > 0:32:17You definitely deserve points for that. The one on the right
0:32:17 > 0:32:20was hugely fashionable for a time, and his name is Anatole France.
0:32:20 > 0:32:23And he won the Nobel Prize for Literature.
0:32:23 > 0:32:25The one on the left was a great literary figure,
0:32:25 > 0:32:28still much more highly regarded as a literary figure
0:32:28 > 0:32:31- than the one on the right. - Is it Twitter following?
0:32:31 > 0:32:35Neither of them, to their eternal shame, has a Twitter following.
0:32:35 > 0:32:38How do you win a Nobel Prize for Literature if you don't Twitter?
0:32:38 > 0:32:40It seems inconceivable, doesn't it? I know. I know.
0:32:40 > 0:32:42The one on the left... His initials, though, are to do...
0:32:42 > 0:32:45Slightly to do with Twitter, his initials are IT.
0:32:45 > 0:32:46Is he Russian?
0:32:46 > 0:32:49Yes. So if it's "I", it's got to be?
0:32:49 > 0:32:52- Igor.- Ivan. - "Ivan" is the right answer.
0:32:54 > 0:32:55Month In The Country?
0:32:55 > 0:32:59- Turgenev?- Fathers And Sons, Ivan Turgenev is the right answer.
0:32:59 > 0:33:02So, you have Ivan Turgenev and you have Anatole France.
0:33:02 > 0:33:05One had something that was double the size of the other.
0:33:05 > 0:33:06Is it right hand or left hand?
0:33:06 > 0:33:10- No, but you're right to be physical, it's about their bodies.- Cock.
0:33:10 > 0:33:13- Maybe cock...- Well, everyone's thinking it, we might as well
0:33:13 > 0:33:16get it out in the open. KLAXON
0:33:16 > 0:33:18Oh!
0:33:18 > 0:33:22APPLAUSE
0:33:22 > 0:33:24- No?- It's quite fun to sit here
0:33:24 > 0:33:27when the word "penis" just flashes behind you.
0:33:27 > 0:33:30The number of times that's happened to him.
0:33:30 > 0:33:32- It's not.- Brain?
0:33:32 > 0:33:33"Brain" is the right answer.
0:33:33 > 0:33:36You bring back a little... A few points to yourself.
0:33:36 > 0:33:39- Oh, come on, it must match up. - Well, that's the thing, is...
0:33:39 > 0:33:42You can't lose more for saying "cock" than you get for saying "brain".
0:33:42 > 0:33:45You know that a klaxon...
0:33:45 > 0:33:48Yeah, Turgenev's brain is twice the size of Anatole France's -
0:33:48 > 0:33:52or was - and Anatole France won the Nobel Prize and Turgenev didn't,
0:33:52 > 0:33:55not that that's anything to do with it, but it is quite surprising.
0:33:55 > 0:33:56Because, generally speaking,
0:33:56 > 0:33:59it's held that brain size is to do with intelligence.
0:33:59 > 0:34:03Although there are manifold exceptions.
0:34:03 > 0:34:06But in the case of Turgenev and Anatole France, well,
0:34:06 > 0:34:09Turgenev's brain was 4lbs 6oz.
0:34:09 > 0:34:14And France's was 2lbs 4oz, almost exactly half.
0:34:14 > 0:34:16Can you feel the weight of your brain?
0:34:16 > 0:34:19- Is that a thing?- Yes, I can. - If you've got a heavier brain...
0:34:19 > 0:34:21Yeah. It's really upsetting.
0:34:21 > 0:34:23I can't feel anything.
0:34:23 > 0:34:26LAUGHTER
0:34:26 > 0:34:28Size isn't everything, it seems.
0:34:28 > 0:34:31However, just how small can you feel?
0:34:31 > 0:34:35Er, right. So is this the... Your ability to feel tininess?
0:34:35 > 0:34:38Hmm, it is. Well spotted.
0:34:38 > 0:34:40A human hair is pretty small.
0:34:40 > 0:34:41Hairs are small, yeah.
0:34:41 > 0:34:44You can't feel that if it's resting on your hand,
0:34:44 > 0:34:47but if you put it between your fingers, you can.
0:34:47 > 0:34:49- Pollen, can you feel pollen? - Ooh, ooh...
0:34:49 > 0:34:52- It depends what you're feeling it with.- Yes.- Look, I'm doing this,
0:34:52 > 0:34:56- I can play the tiny violin. - You're using your fingertips, which are your best feely things.
0:34:56 > 0:34:58- Oh, OK, fingertips. - It was only in 2013
0:34:58 > 0:35:01they started to do experiments, really, to try and find out.
0:35:01 > 0:35:04And they used a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very
0:35:04 > 0:35:08smooth surface to try and get the friction, the friction.
0:35:08 > 0:35:10And it's absolutely extraordinary what they discovered.
0:35:10 > 0:35:13And that is that we can feel, with our fingers,
0:35:13 > 0:35:17something as small as 13 nanometres high.
0:35:17 > 0:35:20Which is to say, the size of a single molecule.
0:35:20 > 0:35:23Which in itself would be ten times smaller than a bacterium.
0:35:23 > 0:35:26Fortunately, we can't feel bacteria,
0:35:26 > 0:35:28cos that would drive us crazy, because they're everywhere.
0:35:28 > 0:35:31We used to do that game at parties, where you had to feel molecules,
0:35:31 > 0:35:34but you had to wear a big pair of gardening gloves as well.
0:35:34 > 0:35:37Which is impossible.
0:35:37 > 0:35:40Human fingers do this by sensing vibrations from the friction,
0:35:40 > 0:35:44and it is absolutely astonishing. And you can test it,
0:35:44 > 0:35:47because you can put something on a surface that's smooth
0:35:47 > 0:35:49and put these tiny things and say "stop" when you feel it.
0:35:49 > 0:35:51How smooth is smooth?
0:35:51 > 0:35:54Yeah. Are we talking, like, Magic FM?
0:35:54 > 0:35:57- That's too smooth.- Too smooth?- Yeah.
0:35:57 > 0:36:01Let's butter your back, Stephen, and get some molecules on there
0:36:01 > 0:36:03and have a good old feel.
0:36:03 > 0:36:06The research team created invisible wrinkles of 16 different heights.
0:36:06 > 0:36:10The smallest detectable ones were 7,000 times thinner
0:36:10 > 0:36:14than a sheet of paper. There you are. It makes you wonder, though,
0:36:14 > 0:36:18why we can never find the end of a roll of Sellotape.
0:36:18 > 0:36:21- Hey...- How is that?
0:36:21 > 0:36:24Anyway, you'd be surprised just how small people feel sometimes.
0:36:24 > 0:36:27Now, fingers on buzzers please, cos it's time for General Ignorance.
0:36:27 > 0:36:31Where is the second biggest film industry based?
0:36:31 > 0:36:34- # Big girl... - Yes?- #
0:36:34 > 0:36:35Nigeria.
0:36:35 > 0:36:38- Oh, is the right answer! - I was going to say that.
0:36:38 > 0:36:39Were you going to say that?
0:36:39 > 0:36:42APPLAUSE
0:36:42 > 0:36:44Very impressive.
0:36:44 > 0:36:47- And so it is called, of course? - Nollywood.- Nollywood.
0:36:47 > 0:36:49Nollywood is the right answer, absolutely right.
0:36:49 > 0:36:52Bollywood is the biggest. Nollywood is the second biggest.
0:36:52 > 0:36:57Nollywood was founded by Kenneth Nnebue, in 1992,
0:36:57 > 0:37:02when he bought in a huge number of VHS cassettes from Taiwan,
0:37:02 > 0:37:04and he figured that he could sell them better
0:37:04 > 0:37:06if he put something on them, cos they were blank.
0:37:06 > 0:37:11So he quickly made a film which was called Living In Bondage.
0:37:11 > 0:37:13And it was about a man who achieves power and wealth
0:37:13 > 0:37:15by killing his wife,
0:37:15 > 0:37:19but she comes back to haunt him and destroys his happiness and sanity.
0:37:19 > 0:37:22And it sold three quarters of a million copies.
0:37:22 > 0:37:26So immediately people started to... You know, to follow his bandwagon,
0:37:26 > 0:37:30and this extraordinary studio system -
0:37:30 > 0:37:32well, it's not really a studio system
0:37:32 > 0:37:34because it has so few facilities -
0:37:34 > 0:37:38but it's incredibly successful, they turn out 30 films a week.
0:37:38 > 0:37:40- They churn them out, don't they? - They really do.
0:37:40 > 0:37:43We once made a TV show in Nigeria, and we turned up...
0:37:43 > 0:37:46It was a quiz show, we turned up, there was a field,
0:37:46 > 0:37:48they built a studio, brought everything inside it,
0:37:48 > 0:37:51we filmed it, they then dismantled the whole thing
0:37:51 > 0:37:55- and we all went home.- Really? - Yeah.- For one half-hour TV pilot.
0:37:55 > 0:37:58- Was that Pointless Nigeria? - It wasn't Pointless Nigeria!
0:37:59 > 0:38:01Wow, that's amazing.
0:38:01 > 0:38:04Now, which country's armed forces' official march
0:38:04 > 0:38:07is about a tramp by a pond being accosted by a farmer
0:38:07 > 0:38:09because he's stolen a sheep in his lunch bag...?
0:38:09 > 0:38:12- # Big bad John. # - Australia?- Oh!
0:38:12 > 0:38:15- KLAXON - What a shame.- It sounds a bit like it, though, doesn't it?
0:38:15 > 0:38:19It sounds exactly like it, because it is an exact translation of...?
0:38:19 > 0:38:21- Waltzing Matilda.- Waltzing Matilda.
0:38:21 > 0:38:24But Waltzing Matilda is not an official march in Australia.
0:38:24 > 0:38:28But it is the official march of... a country's military.
0:38:28 > 0:38:30Oh, it's one of the African countries, isn't it?
0:38:30 > 0:38:34- It's not, bizarrely.- It's one of the Asian countries.- No, it's not.
0:38:34 > 0:38:37- So, way deep down there in South America?- South American?
0:38:37 > 0:38:40- No. But that's the right area, except not south.- Caribbean.
0:38:40 > 0:38:43- No.- Central America, Nicaragua, like Honduras-type place?
0:38:43 > 0:38:45I want to say Panama.
0:38:45 > 0:38:47Belize, I'm going to say Belize. I'm going to say...
0:38:47 > 0:38:50- If you get it, when I've done 15, I'm going to...- Belize, Belize me.
0:38:50 > 0:38:54- El Salvador.- Costa Rica. - No. Go big.
0:38:54 > 0:38:55- Mexico.- Mexico.
0:38:55 > 0:38:57- Even bigger.- America.- America.
0:38:57 > 0:38:59The United States of America, amazingly.
0:38:59 > 0:39:01- Get out of town. - The 1st Marine... Yeah.
0:39:01 > 0:39:05- The 1st Marine Division, there they are. They have...- Tall soldiers!
0:39:05 > 0:39:08- Yeah. The 1st Marine... - "I love you. March for me!"
0:39:08 > 0:39:10I love she's just... She's just not all...
0:39:10 > 0:39:13She's come out of the wrong door.
0:39:13 > 0:39:16- Well...- That's my PA, Kelly.
0:39:16 > 0:39:18LAUGHTER
0:39:18 > 0:39:19"Hats off!"
0:39:19 > 0:39:22Yeah, the 1st Marine Division used Waltzing Matilda,
0:39:22 > 0:39:26because of their relationship with the Australian Army in World War II.
0:39:26 > 0:39:30But there's no Australian military force that uses it officially.
0:39:30 > 0:39:33- Of course, they can play what they like.- They were trying to have it as
0:39:33 > 0:39:35their national anthem. But it was out-voted, I think.
0:39:35 > 0:39:37- By?- By Advance Australia Fair.
0:39:37 > 0:39:39- AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: - "Advance Australia Fair."
0:39:39 > 0:39:43Which is one of the official marches, the other being God Save The Queen.
0:39:43 > 0:39:47And there's also the British Royal Tank Regiment's Slow March.
0:39:47 > 0:39:50So, the fact is, if you hear Waltzing Matilda coming at you
0:39:50 > 0:39:52in an official capacity,
0:39:52 > 0:39:54it's Americans attacking you, not Aussies.
0:39:54 > 0:39:56Or our own chaps, but very slowly.
0:39:56 > 0:39:59When a chicken lays an egg,
0:39:59 > 0:40:01which end comes out first?
0:40:01 > 0:40:05Oh, God. Not answering.
0:40:05 > 0:40:06# Big girls... #
0:40:06 > 0:40:09- The big end.- Yes! That's right. You see...
0:40:09 > 0:40:12Oh, shut up! I was going to say that!
0:40:12 > 0:40:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:40:14 > 0:40:17We can actually, erm...
0:40:17 > 0:40:21We've actually got a glove which sort of reproduces an oviduct -
0:40:21 > 0:40:25you know, a little egg-laying tube, so you can try and...
0:40:25 > 0:40:26What happens is, in utero,
0:40:26 > 0:40:29the egg is little-end down and then it turns round.
0:40:33 > 0:40:35Yeah, very good.
0:40:35 > 0:40:38I'm going to start campaigning for epidurals for chickens.
0:40:38 > 0:40:41There you are, you can let the big end out, can you...? Ooh.
0:40:41 > 0:40:44- Oh, no, this is so sore.- Are these hard-boiled, because this is...
0:40:44 > 0:40:47- Oh, well done, there you are. - Oh, I've laid one.
0:40:47 > 0:40:49Oh, dear.
0:40:49 > 0:40:50It is a rubber egg, as you can...
0:40:50 > 0:40:52WHACK! WHACK!
0:40:53 > 0:40:56That's why you're not a hen gynaecologist.
0:40:57 > 0:41:00But you should have... Have you got a real egg down there?
0:41:00 > 0:41:01I've got a real egg and a cup.
0:41:01 > 0:41:04Now, now be careful with the real egg. Point it over the cup.
0:41:04 > 0:41:08- Why, are they fragile, Stephen? - Well, no, they're not fragile, Alan,
0:41:08 > 0:41:09and if you obey this picture
0:41:09 > 0:41:11and put the egg in your hand like this
0:41:11 > 0:41:14and squeeze as hard as you like, you shouldn't be able to break it.
0:41:17 > 0:41:19- What have I got to do?- Squeeze.
0:41:19 > 0:41:21Hard as you can, to break it. But you can't, can you?
0:41:21 > 0:41:24- No, I cannot break it.- Very, very strong. And that's the thing,
0:41:24 > 0:41:27eggs are very... You can try it at home, ladies and gentlemen.
0:41:27 > 0:41:30If any of you had done it, I would have married you, goddamn it.
0:41:30 > 0:41:32How do they stamp them, Stephen?
0:41:32 > 0:41:35Well, they've got a little thing inside their little hymen.
0:41:35 > 0:41:40A little printing event, that goes on, just as it comes out,
0:41:40 > 0:41:41getting its best-before date.
0:41:41 > 0:41:45- That's clever. That's very clever. - Yeah, yeah.
0:41:45 > 0:41:49The cartridges to refill a chicken are really prohibitively expensive.
0:41:49 > 0:41:51LAUGHTER
0:41:51 > 0:41:54- Well, yes, you've rather revealed my trick...- Oh, they're great.
0:41:54 > 0:41:58Meanwhile, on the chicken farm, Barnes Wallace...
0:41:58 > 0:42:02And so, having spent a little time having it large with you all,
0:42:02 > 0:42:05it's time to look at the scores.
0:42:05 > 0:42:07Well, it's extraordinary, it's wonderful, it's terrific
0:42:07 > 0:42:10and it's marvellous because, in first place, by quite a margin -
0:42:10 > 0:42:12that's to say by QI standards -
0:42:12 > 0:42:14it's Lucy Porter, with 8 points!
0:42:14 > 0:42:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:19 > 0:42:22In second place,
0:42:22 > 0:42:245 behind, with plus 3,
0:42:24 > 0:42:26is Phill Jupitus.
0:42:26 > 0:42:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:30 > 0:42:33And, surprising, given the depth and breadth of his knowledge,
0:42:33 > 0:42:36with minus 16, in third place, is Richard Osman.
0:42:36 > 0:42:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:38 > 0:42:40We did rubbish.
0:42:40 > 0:42:43But, bringing up his all-too-familiar rear,
0:42:43 > 0:42:45with minus 27, is Alan Davies.
0:42:45 > 0:42:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:52 > 0:42:56So, it's thanks from Lucy, Phill, Richard, Alan and me.
0:42:56 > 0:42:59And I'll leave you with the last words of Nostradamus,
0:42:59 > 0:43:03as he lay dying, probably making what was his only accurate
0:43:03 > 0:43:06and only unambiguous prediction.
0:43:06 > 0:43:09"Tomorrow, I shall no longer be here."
0:43:09 > 0:43:10Good night.
0:43:10 > 0:43:13APPLAUSE