0:00:28 > 0:00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Goooood...evening!
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:35 > 0:00:37and welcome to QI,
0:00:37 > 0:00:40where tonight, we'll be looking at the three L's.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44That's Location, Location and Location.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46And on the road to L
0:00:46 > 0:00:49are the fiendish Aisling Bea...
0:00:49 > 0:00:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:52 > 0:00:55..the diabolical Jason Manford...
0:00:55 > 0:00:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:59 > 0:01:02..the Mephistophelian Johnny Vegas...
0:01:02 > 0:01:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:06 > 0:01:09..and that infernal Alan Davies.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:14 > 0:01:16They all have satanic horns.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Aisling goes...
0:01:18 > 0:01:20- BIKE HORN TOOTS - Oh!
0:01:20 > 0:01:21- Excuse me. - Jason goes...
0:01:21 > 0:01:24- SCAR HORN HONKS - Classic.
0:01:24 > 0:01:25Johnny goes...
0:01:25 > 0:01:30TRUCK HORN BLASTS
0:01:30 > 0:01:32And Alan has a tail.
0:01:32 > 0:01:36CHILD: "Are we nearly there yet?"
0:01:36 > 0:01:37Ah!
0:01:37 > 0:01:41Now, for your convenience, we have a lavatory on site.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44GAMESHOW-STYLE JINGLE PLAYS
0:01:44 > 0:01:46TOILET FLUSHES
0:01:46 > 0:01:49This being the L series, there is a very good chance
0:01:49 > 0:01:50that there will be one question
0:01:50 > 0:01:54to which the answer will be lavatorial.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58- Are you all right, darling? - That's harder than I thought it was.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Did you hit yourself with a penny?
0:02:00 > 0:02:02And if that is the case,
0:02:02 > 0:02:04you can play your Spend A Penny card.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06And if you are right, you will get extra points,
0:02:06 > 0:02:08such is the nature of that particular joker.
0:02:08 > 0:02:12Now, here's a question about a very special location.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15What would you find at the exact centre
0:02:15 > 0:02:18of the observable universe?
0:02:18 > 0:02:19You?
0:02:19 > 0:02:21LAUGHTER
0:02:21 > 0:02:24Well, oddly enough...possibly.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26- Norfolk.- Norfolk! Yes.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31There isn't a centre of the universe, really,
0:02:31 > 0:02:35so isn't the centre of the universe just the person who's looking...out?
0:02:35 > 0:02:36Because it must be the same...
0:02:36 > 0:02:39You are so absolutely right, it hurts.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41- ..in any direction? Yeah. - That's brilliant.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43APPLAUSE
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Never ends, never ends.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52I know a thing, I know a thing because our esteemed creator,
0:02:52 > 0:02:58John Lloyd, in his rather good Edinburgh Festival show,
0:02:58 > 0:03:02told us that, of all the billions of galaxies that there are,
0:03:02 > 0:03:05there are only a certain number observable from Earth.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Do you know what it is? Do you know what it is?
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Do you know? Four.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13- Four what, observable from Earth? - Other galaxies.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16- Other than our own. - And, well...
0:03:16 > 0:03:19I remember, at school, them doing something with a balloon.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22- Yes.- The teacher, and he put loads of dots on a balloon
0:03:22 > 0:03:23and...he sort of said it was, like,
0:03:23 > 0:03:27the closest to explaining the universe as he could do.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29That's absolutely right.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Although there has been an absolute statement
0:03:31 > 0:03:34of where the centre of the universe is,
0:03:34 > 0:03:38which is that it's at the meeting of Bank Street and Sixth Street
0:03:38 > 0:03:40in the town of Wallace, Idaho.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42There it is - the centre of the universe.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44- Is that the Mayor of Idaho, though? Has he said that?- Yeah.- Well...
0:03:44 > 0:03:46They're not doing well for tourism and gone,
0:03:46 > 0:03:49- "Why don't we say the centre of the universe is here?"- You're right.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52He said it because there was no particular scientific evidence
0:03:52 > 0:03:54to say it wasn't the centre of the universe.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57- So they decided...- "We'll have it!" - We could say that of anywhere.
0:03:57 > 0:04:01Americans like to stake a claim, they're land-grabbers.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03- It's in their... - Yeah.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05..in their DNA, so to be,
0:04:05 > 0:04:07not that we weren't, in our colonial era, of course.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Isn't the sun the centre of the universe?
0:04:09 > 0:04:11STEPHEN LAUGHS
0:04:11 > 0:04:15Well... Sorry, I don't know why I laughed like that.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19What a way to build my confidence for the rest of the show(!)
0:04:19 > 0:04:22- That was the most...- I thought that was a serious question, too,
0:04:22 > 0:04:24we both look to you and you looked at us
0:04:24 > 0:04:26like the peasants of the land,
0:04:26 > 0:04:28going, "Will we ever be free of this tyranny?
0:04:28 > 0:04:31"Ha-ha-ha! Never, never, never."
0:04:31 > 0:04:32"I'd like to go in the toilet,
0:04:32 > 0:04:34"but doesn't the Wickey Hole witch live there?
0:04:34 > 0:04:36"Oh, ha-ha-ha!"
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Well, I'm sorry that it sounded quite so patronising.
0:04:39 > 0:04:40The centre of the universe
0:04:40 > 0:04:44is apparently Bank Street and Sixth Street in Wallace, Idaho.
0:04:44 > 0:04:45- Or...- The sun.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48THEY CHUCKLE HAUGHTILY
0:04:51 > 0:04:53APPLAUSE
0:04:57 > 0:05:01You beasts, you beasts. You unutterable beasts.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03At the exact centre of the observable universe,
0:05:03 > 0:05:06you'll find the unbearable likeness of Johnny Vegas,
0:05:06 > 0:05:09or whoever happens to be observing it.
0:05:09 > 0:05:13Now, if Johnny and Jason got naked, covered their legs...
0:05:13 > 0:05:18LAUGHTER
0:05:18 > 0:05:19- Wow!- It's pretty good, isn't it?
0:05:19 > 0:05:22APPLAUSE
0:05:25 > 0:05:27- Wow.- I know.- I mean, I can't unsee that now...
0:05:27 > 0:05:30I can't wait after the show to open wedding gifts together.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33Be still, the beating hearts of the nation.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36If they got naked, covered their legs in lard
0:05:36 > 0:05:40and put their hands on each other's shoulders,
0:05:40 > 0:05:42what could we expect to happen next?
0:05:42 > 0:05:44I would guess...
0:05:44 > 0:05:46OFCOM would get involved.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49- Something COM. Yeah.- Yeah.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51I'd obviously be the...
0:05:51 > 0:05:54- The bitch? - ..female in the relationship.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57- You know, I'm the one who needs rescuing.- The bottom. Yeah.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00ALAN: Why are their legs in lard? Are they going to slither about?
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Legs are important in this particular pursuit.
0:06:02 > 0:06:06It's a red wine that we are about to trample the grapes for
0:06:06 > 0:06:08that you can also fry with.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14I like the idea of that - Lancashire wine...
0:06:14 > 0:06:18- Yeah, it's the first kind of sipping lard.- Yes, that's right.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21So you can have a glass and do your chips in it also.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24- Available in every Yates' Wine Lodge. Ooh.- Yeah.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26There'd be a rush, like at Christmas,
0:06:26 > 0:06:28when Jamie Oliver said to use goose fat,
0:06:28 > 0:06:30but this time, they'd be using comedians'...dripping.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33You'd go, "Do you know what? These potatoes taste a bit funny."
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Twice-fried Johnny dripping.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39- NORTHERN ACCENT:- Now, we're in t'north and, um...
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Forgive me for my accent, I do my best.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45We're in t'north and...
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Sound like you've swallowed your tongue.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49It's a pursuit in the north west.
0:06:49 > 0:06:50JOHNNY: It's not shin-kicking?
0:06:50 > 0:06:54- Yes, it is shin-kicking. - Ah!- You knew about shin-kicking.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56- I did, my uncle was one. - Wahey!
0:06:56 > 0:06:58APPLAUSE
0:06:58 > 0:07:03Very good. There you are. I don't know if he left -
0:07:03 > 0:07:05- did he bequeath you his pair of clogs?- He was... You know what,
0:07:05 > 0:07:08by the time I knew him, he was blind and spoke, like,
0:07:08 > 0:07:11pretty much nonsense in the corner.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15But he was a phenomenal shin-kicker.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17He was a very tough man and that was his pastime, shin-kicking.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20- Is that a blade?- Yes, it is.- Wow.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22You take it in turns
0:07:22 > 0:07:24to kick each other in the shins as hard as you can.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27And it's the first person to, to burst into...
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Do you know what they cry if they give up? It's rather wonderful.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32- You'd think it'd be, "I give in." Or, "Oh, stop it, no."- "Stop it."
0:07:32 > 0:07:36"Go on with your bother!" No...
0:07:36 > 0:07:39- It's...- "Stop kicking me shin, you..."- It's not that.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41They shout, "Sufficient!"
0:07:41 > 0:07:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:45 > 0:07:46That's the cry.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51Oddly enough, that's my climax call.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53"Sufficient!"
0:07:57 > 0:07:58Very good.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01It's... Now, I'd like to stress,
0:08:01 > 0:08:03there's no domestic violence involved.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07- No, no.- It's just that, we're not greedy in our nature up north.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10I have to confess, I've never heard the phrase "climax call" before.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13So it took a bit of time for me to understand what you were saying.
0:08:13 > 0:08:17- Forgive me for that.- I think it's actually from bird watching.- Is it?
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Did they rip the skin off each other's legs and stuff?
0:08:19 > 0:08:22- Oh, yeah.- Oh, God!- One of the reasons for larding the shins
0:08:22 > 0:08:25was in order to encourage a glancing blow,
0:08:25 > 0:08:26rather than a really vicious one.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29But the skill was obviously to move your legs
0:08:29 > 0:08:30so that it was a glancing blow.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Is it if you put your hands on the shoulders, you know
0:08:33 > 0:08:35the way you can't hit someone if you put them at arm's length
0:08:35 > 0:08:38- and do they try to not get kicked? - I think it means you're in
0:08:38 > 0:08:40a stable position, so you're not escaping completely.
0:08:40 > 0:08:41But you can move your legs.
0:08:41 > 0:08:46I don't know how short the legs are of people you know but standing there
0:08:46 > 0:08:49you've still got a fair bit of range, haven't you?
0:08:49 > 0:08:52You've been doing it with Ewoks.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57The more I get to know you, the more I think men are mad.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00- I'm afraid you're right.- They're always up to something ridiculous.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Kicking each other on the lardy shins - you're like...
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Shin-kicking is probably what it was called on an everyday basis.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09In the 19th century there was a special word for it,
0:09:09 > 0:09:10which was "purring" or "purrin".
0:09:10 > 0:09:13"Purrin" or "porrin" or "parrin". They seem to be all used.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Parrin, purrin - "parring", maybe, because you were parrying away.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Nobody quite knows, but anyway.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20It was a popular pastime. A lot of betting on it.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Yeah. And there are shin-kickers to this day
0:09:23 > 0:09:28in the oldest Olympics Games since the Greek ones,
0:09:28 > 0:09:30which we've covered before, which are in the Cotswolds.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32You can see...
0:09:32 > 0:09:36Do they have a Channel 4 programme called Shin-Kickers' Wives?
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Where they're like, "Oh, my God,
0:09:38 > 0:09:41"he's making so much money kicking shins. I love him.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44"I don't like his personality, but it's just the money."
0:09:44 > 0:09:46- Is he called the stickler? - He's the stickler,
0:09:46 > 0:09:47he's the umpire or referee.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50- "A stickler for detail", is that where that comes from?- Exactly.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53- I like that.- You can probably see that he's got straw coming out
0:09:53 > 0:09:55of the bottom of his trousers and that's what they used.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57They pad their shins.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59They're not like tough northerners, they pad their shins.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Cos this is in the Cotswolds.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04- "Get a bit of lard on that, you soft lad."- That's it.
0:10:04 > 0:10:08Next thing you know, they'll be bringing in Crocs.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11It'll be going on for nine days, your shin-kicking.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17- That castle looks really old. - I'm not sure it's a real castle.
0:10:20 > 0:10:21Don't spoil it!
0:10:21 > 0:10:23You have to spoil everything.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Get a wind up and that's going over, isn't it?
0:10:26 > 0:10:28People are bouncing around going,
0:10:28 > 0:10:30"Are you sure this is a real castle?" "Yes."
0:10:30 > 0:10:34My gran used to say "sufficient" when she'd eaten enough.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36- Oh, "ample sufficiency"? - Yeah.- That's the phrase.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39You can say ample... or I've had sufficient.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42JOHNNY: Or your grandad was kicking her under the table.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44And she didn't want to let on.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46She'd just put her knife down, "Sufficient."
0:10:49 > 0:10:53Sitting there weeping once you'd gone home.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55We should have done it when we had the Olympics.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57You know you're allowed to include a couple of games
0:10:57 > 0:10:59and people are going, "Put darts in."
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Like, stuff we were good at. "Put snooker in."
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Should have gone, "Put shin-kicking in."
0:11:04 > 0:11:08- Just some poor Brazilian going, "What?"- "Take that, Germany!"
0:11:08 > 0:11:12I just can't bear the thought of all the other countries beating us at it.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14"We invented this!" Yeah, exactly.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18"Oh, that's enough of Johnny Foreigner doing this.
0:11:18 > 0:11:19"Should've kept this quiet!"
0:11:19 > 0:11:22The Shin-Kicker's Association of Britain are known as SKAB,
0:11:22 > 0:11:25- you'll be pleased to know. - Are they?- Perhaps appropriately.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28And Johnny's uncle was one, which is jolly, we never knew that.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30- Really impressive. - Genuinely.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34Shin-kicking was a popular sport in Lancashire pubs for 150 years.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Now, here's a pub in Lancashire.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39My question is how did Spanking Roger woo the ladies?
0:11:39 > 0:11:41- I know that pub. - Do you know it?
0:11:41 > 0:11:43- Yeah, I do. - Where is it?
0:11:43 > 0:11:46It's in like, I think it's in Kersal or Salford area.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50- It's Manchester area, quite right. - When I went to university -
0:11:50 > 0:11:52I know, I did -
0:11:52 > 0:11:54I lived in a place called Castle Irwell,
0:11:54 > 0:11:56which was a dog track before we...
0:11:56 > 0:12:00- Destroyed it.- It became a student village. Yes.- Right.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03But every year, there was a race down the hill naked.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05- And they would run down.- Yes.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08All the blokes would. I didn't, obviously, I didn't...
0:12:08 > 0:12:11I'm a grower, not a shower.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16And this pub was part...
0:12:16 > 0:12:18I think the guy, Spanking Roger...
0:12:18 > 0:12:22That's how he got his wife - there was something to do with his wife,
0:12:22 > 0:12:25where he was naked and she had a little look,
0:12:25 > 0:12:27he was quite well-endowed and thought, "I'll have him."
0:12:27 > 0:12:30You're right. This naked running was on Kersal Moor.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Kersal Moor, which has now become Castle Irwell,
0:12:32 > 0:12:34which is now a student village.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Exactly. We've got a picture as it used to be, which is beautiful.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40It was much more of a shit-hole when I was there.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44Now it's just vomit and empty Pringles tubes.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46But he...that guy, Spanking Roger,
0:12:46 > 0:12:49even though it sounds like he was a bit of an idiot,
0:12:49 > 0:12:51he ended up being a big guy in the army.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Like...I think he defended Gibraltar or something like that.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Absolutely right. He was the great hero of Gibraltar.
0:12:57 > 0:13:01- This is brilliant. He's on fire! - APPLAUSE
0:13:06 > 0:13:08It's like watching Slumdog Millionaire
0:13:08 > 0:13:10or something like that, going, "How did you know that one?"
0:13:10 > 0:13:13We have rather... It is your manor, isn't it?
0:13:13 > 0:13:15That's where I grew up, round the corner from there.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18And he was a fascinating character, Spanking Roger, as he was known.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21He was from Scotland, actually, in the Scots Dragoons.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24And he came down, 6'4" high and of ample endowment, it seems,
0:13:24 > 0:13:26because he did do the naked run.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28That's it, precisely.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35That's why he was called Spanking Roger.
0:13:42 > 0:13:43He could only do it in the summer
0:13:43 > 0:13:46when the slapping didn't hurt him quite so much.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48- But he did catch the eye... - Or the lard.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52..catch the eye of a 65-year-old widow, whom he married.
0:13:52 > 0:13:53- With his...- Literally?
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Yeah - caught her in the eye.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58"My eye! My eye!"
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Her name was Minshull, Barbara Minshull.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03That's right - Minshull Courts in Manchester
0:14:03 > 0:14:06and Minshull Street is where... where her family are from.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08- She was a rich family, yeah. - Yeah. I think she died...
0:14:08 > 0:14:11This is back in the 1760s when they married.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13The next day, he was immediately betraying her,
0:14:13 > 0:14:15spending all her money. He spent it on, essentially,
0:14:15 > 0:14:17he would have bare-knuckle fights.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19If anybody beat him, they were, sort of, free,
0:14:19 > 0:14:22but if he beat them, he dragooned them, as it were.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Is that why he's called Spanking Roger?
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Yeah. I mean, he's called Spanking Roger...
0:14:26 > 0:14:29He spanked 'em, then you had to be in his army.
0:14:29 > 0:14:30That's exactly the reason.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34He's got a hell of camel foot for someone who's well-endowed.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38He has a bit. I think the artist was modest.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41- Yeah.- Eating his shorts.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44And life was extraordinary, because he, as you rightly say,
0:14:44 > 0:14:47was the hero of Gibraltar, with this dragooned army there.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49It was the longest siege in British military history,
0:14:49 > 0:14:52held out for four years and kept the Rock,
0:14:52 > 0:14:54as we still have at time of going to press, unless the Spanish
0:14:54 > 0:14:57have had something to do with it. His wife died, he got into
0:14:57 > 0:14:59terrible debt, came back impoverished.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Found another woman whom he married, she was Scottish.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05And he died a very rich man indeed. So he had a pretty splendid life.
0:15:05 > 0:15:06A spanking life, in fact.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Why do they say "spanking" for "good", in England?
0:15:09 > 0:15:12- "Spanking good time" and... - It's a very good point, isn't it?
0:15:12 > 0:15:15The great, much lamented Christopher Hitchens once said,
0:15:15 > 0:15:18"There is no surname in English that cannot be improved
0:15:18 > 0:15:21"by having the word Spanker put in front of it."
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Spanker Manford.
0:15:24 > 0:15:25Spanker Vegas.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29- Spanker Bea. Spanker Bea is terrific, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32- It would be hard to spank a bee. - There's the queen bee.- Yeah.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35There's worker bees and then there's the spanker bees.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Spanker bee.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40"I bumped into old Spanker Davies at the club the other day."
0:15:40 > 0:15:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Well, Spanking Roger didn't spank ladies -
0:15:50 > 0:15:53he spanked the French and the Spanish.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57Roger was a strapping 6'4" with a Scottish accent,
0:15:57 > 0:15:59but what's short, talks gibberish
0:15:59 > 0:16:01and is much sought after in Merseyside?
0:16:01 > 0:16:04- Kevin Keegan. - Johnny's uncle.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07- Is it a Diddy Man?- It's not the Diddy Men, though, oddly enough,
0:16:07 > 0:16:11you could barely be closer. In Liverpool, there was this -
0:16:11 > 0:16:14there it is in case you wanted to know what Merseyside looked like -
0:16:14 > 0:16:16ferry across the Mersey.
0:16:16 > 0:16:21What's the largest, best-known ethnic minority in Liverpool,
0:16:21 > 0:16:24- would you say?- Irish, I'd say. - The Irish, of course.- Yes.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Because the Liverpool accent is very like the Dublin accent.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30- They're quite close to each other. - DUBLIN ACCENT:- People talk like that.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33- LIVERPOOL ACCENT:- All of a sudden, they're from Liverpool.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36- So if you go backwards you'll end up...- Ken Doherty. That's right.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39- Exactly.- Irish, yes. - So you've got Diddy Men
0:16:39 > 0:16:41and you've got Ireland.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Are you saying short, talking gibberish are Irish people?
0:16:44 > 0:16:48No. But you've got Diddy Men, who are little people,
0:16:48 > 0:16:50little people created by Ken Dodd.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53- And you've got the Irish. So it's not Diddy Men.- Leprechauns.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Leprechauns! Thank you very much, Johnny Vaughan...
0:16:56 > 0:16:58- Johnny Vaughan?! - Johnny Vaughan?
0:16:58 > 0:17:01APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:17:03 > 0:17:07Well, it was a particular event in 1964.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11It was thousands of Liverpudlian children
0:17:11 > 0:17:14streamed into the parks to look for leprechauns,
0:17:14 > 0:17:16because there was a rumour some had been seen,
0:17:16 > 0:17:18or one had been seen, or something,
0:17:18 > 0:17:22and they tore up plants and they ravaged the entire park system,
0:17:22 > 0:17:26for 11 or 12 days in July '64.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28And then it just stopped, as suddenly as it had begun.
0:17:28 > 0:17:32It sounds like the Americans coming to Ireland.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35That's what they did, looking for leprechauns. Then it just stopped,
0:17:35 > 0:17:39they took their IT companies with them, they just never came back.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Can I just say, just to be a little bit of a nit-picker here?
0:17:41 > 0:17:43- Those are garden gnomes. - Yeah, I know.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46I feel very racially offended.
0:17:50 > 0:17:51- Yes.- You're a stickler.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54I'll give you points if you tell me how a leprechaun should look?
0:17:54 > 0:17:56- How a leprechaun should look? - Yeah.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59- He should look...charming in the eye.- Right.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03He should have a sort of a jaunty gait about him.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05- Right.- And then a green hat and green outfit
0:18:05 > 0:18:07and you can only find one at the end of a rainbow.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09- Should he be bearded? - Should he be bearded?
0:18:09 > 0:18:14If he's not bearded, it is just a child wearing an outfit,
0:18:14 > 0:18:15welcoming you to Ireland.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17- It's got a big red bushy beard... - A red beard.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19- Because I've got one. - Have you? Hmm.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21- A big red bushy beard? - You've got a leprechaun?
0:18:21 > 0:18:23You can get them at Dublin Airport.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25- A leprechaun?- If you press them on the tummy, they go,
0:18:25 > 0:18:28# When Irish eyes are smiling... #
0:18:28 > 0:18:30It's one of the spookiest, scariest things.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32My kids love it, but me and the wife are terrified.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Like a Chippy Doll? If anyone presses it...
0:18:34 > 0:18:36# When Irish eyes are smiling... #
0:18:36 > 0:18:38- Oh, horrible!- Yes. - You keep throwing it out the window
0:18:38 > 0:18:40and then it keeps on coming back in.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46- I think it's supposed to be cute, but it's actually like a horror film.- Oh.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48"Look at my lucky charms, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha..."
0:18:48 > 0:18:53- Oh, don't, oh!- And it's got sort of an old man's voice in the distance.
0:18:53 > 0:18:54I'll bring it in.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57My kids have got a bear and it's got a red heart on it,
0:18:57 > 0:18:59and you press it and it glows.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02And every so often you'll just hear it sort of, it'll go, "I love you."
0:19:02 > 0:19:05- And all, you know.- Oh! - "I can see you," or whatever.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09The worst one is, "I see you." And I remember one night...
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Oh, do you...? No!
0:19:11 > 0:19:14I went to the toilet and in the middle of the night,
0:19:14 > 0:19:16half asleep, and the batteries were going on it.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18I was sort of...all of a sudden, I just heard...
0:19:18 > 0:19:20- DISTORTED VOICE:- "I see you..."
0:19:24 > 0:19:26- That's very disturbing. - Absolutely terrifying.
0:19:26 > 0:19:27I wouldn't recover from that.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29- Well, interesting. - "I can see you..."
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Who am I to tell you that you've got it slightly wrong
0:19:32 > 0:19:35- in what leprechauns look like, because...- All right, Stephen.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37No, I'm, I'm going by...
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Look down upon me and tell me what we did wrong this time.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43I'm going on early information, rather than late, you know,
0:19:43 > 0:19:4520th century information.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48There are inventions which come from the 20th century,
0:19:48 > 0:19:51which include the fact that they wear green clothes and tall hats.
0:19:51 > 0:19:52And they have ginger beards.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55According to fairy legends and traditions
0:19:55 > 0:19:58of the south of Ireland from 1825, proper leprechauns -
0:19:58 > 0:20:00if there is such a thing - are all...
0:20:00 > 0:20:04They have a trade - shoemakers. They're all shoemakers.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06And they are exclusively what?
0:20:06 > 0:20:10- ALAN: White. - Yes. They are.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16They're exclusively white.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19- And? - Old.- Male?
0:20:19 > 0:20:23- Male.- Male, oh.- Is the right idea. And there's the shamrock, of course.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25There's a rule that an Irish person told me -
0:20:25 > 0:20:28"Never go into an Irish pub in America or London
0:20:28 > 0:20:30"that has a neon shamrock, because it'll be crap."
0:20:30 > 0:20:33- Is that right?- Yeah. I mean, it would be a bit dodgy.- Yeah.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35- Any American sort of Irish pub. - Yeah.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37- AMERICAN ACCENT:- "Come on in to be sure
0:20:37 > 0:20:40"and you'll have a right old great craic of a time."
0:20:42 > 0:20:44That must be very annoying.
0:20:44 > 0:20:48Yeah. But this particular chase happened, as I say, in '64,
0:20:48 > 0:20:51but in 1982, a man called Brian, which is a good Irish name,
0:20:51 > 0:20:54told the Liverpool Echo that he had been working in the park
0:20:54 > 0:20:57when some children saw him and mocked him for his height,
0:20:57 > 0:20:58or rather lack of it.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02And so, joining in the sport, he spoke in sort of...
0:21:02 > 0:21:05"Ah-de-da-de-da-de-da!" Sort of Irish gibberish.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08I know, I'm sorry, I'm doing what he did.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11Threw sods of earth at them, and they ran away frightened,
0:21:11 > 0:21:13thinking he was a leprechaun.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Because they'd called him a leprechaun.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17They said, "Oi, you! You're a leprechaun!"
0:21:17 > 0:21:20And he went, "I am that, da-de-da-de-da-de-da..."
0:21:20 > 0:21:23And so they all said, "We saw a leprechaun, we saw..."
0:21:23 > 0:21:26You know. "Saw a real one, saw a real leprechaun, in the park."
0:21:26 > 0:21:30And so all these kids were like, you know, they all invaded it.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32It's like a lost episode of Brookside, this.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35It is, isn't it? Where does it begin?
0:21:35 > 0:21:38But these particular things happen from time to time,
0:21:38 > 0:21:40these mass delusions, or whatever you might call them.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43They're called the children's hunt, when they involve children.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46So in 1964, as Beatlemania swept the world,
0:21:46 > 0:21:48leprechaun mania swept Liverpool.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52Which London attraction cost two arms and two legs to enter?
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Oh, look at that, isn't that gorgeous?
0:21:54 > 0:21:58- Ladybird Book, don't you think?- Yes, it's got the look of a Ladybird Book.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00It looks like there's been a pigeon accident
0:22:00 > 0:22:03and they're all gathered round the scene to see what happened.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05- Is this picture a clue? - No, it's not at all.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07It's not to do with art, is it?
0:22:07 > 0:22:09- No, it's not. - Tower of London.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11The Tower of London is where we need to be.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Cue picture of Tower of London.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16- Traitors' Gate's all I know. - There's the Tower of London.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18And we're talking about an attraction within
0:22:18 > 0:22:22the Tower of London that lasted for 600 years.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25Henry I, who was a very early king, had a particular,
0:22:25 > 0:22:28rather exciting luxury that he was very fond of
0:22:28 > 0:22:30that he kept in Woodstock in Oxfordshire.
0:22:30 > 0:22:35And King John, who was late 13th century,
0:22:35 > 0:22:38moved it to the Tower of London where it stayed for 600 years.
0:22:38 > 0:22:43And you had to pay to get in to see it but you could -
0:22:43 > 0:22:46I say two arms and two legs, it's really four legs, to be honest.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Oh, an animal.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50You could bring in an animal and that would...
0:22:50 > 0:22:53- Four chicken drumsticks. Bucket of KFC.- No...
0:22:53 > 0:22:59That would get you in free because they would use the animal
0:22:59 > 0:23:02- to satisfy what you were going to see.- A dragon!
0:23:02 > 0:23:05- A mincer.- Sort of like a dragon to them.- A mincer!
0:23:05 > 0:23:07- Lion or a...- Bears?
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Lion and bear, yes, all those things. A big menagerie...
0:23:10 > 0:23:12- Oh, wow.- ..as zoos were called.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15There's an 18th century, by the look of it, cartoon.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19- That's the last dodo.- Oh, it does look a bit like it, doesn't it?
0:23:19 > 0:23:23I think it's some hugely complicated satire that we don't really get.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Anyway, that's a cartoon of the menagerie.
0:23:25 > 0:23:30It lasted all the way till 1830 when it was transported to,
0:23:30 > 0:23:32- or transferred to...? - London Zoo?- Regent's Park.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35To Regent's Park, to London Zoo, yes. So, there was the menagerie.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38It was immensely popular all through those years.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42If you were a sheriff in the city of London and around you had to pay
0:23:42 > 0:23:46fourpence a day to help with the feeding of the polar bear.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49They were presumably quite good animal keepers if they managed to
0:23:49 > 0:23:52keep these animals cos they couldn't afford to let them die very quickly.
0:23:52 > 0:23:56I mean, how long it would take in the 15/16th century to get a lion
0:23:56 > 0:23:58to England, it was just inconceivable
0:23:58 > 0:24:01- how long it would take. - What sort of animals did they have?
0:24:01 > 0:24:02LAUGHTER
0:24:02 > 0:24:05Oh, a cat. Cool(!)
0:24:05 > 0:24:09A cat... If you brought a cat or a dog to feed to the lions,
0:24:09 > 0:24:12or the tigers, they had tigers as well.
0:24:12 > 0:24:16- And they had bears...- Oh, my! - ..as I say, a polar bear.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19So they had what were considered immensely exotic animals.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23You would feed them and free admission.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25I bet that was used as a punishment for kids.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29"I'll tell you what, you do that again, I'm taking you there
0:24:29 > 0:24:31"and you're getting fed to the bloody lions."
0:24:31 > 0:24:35And you'd walk them right to the door if they were being really bad.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37But what if you had a pet lion?
0:24:37 > 0:24:40And you turned up and you wanted entry?
0:24:40 > 0:24:43And they went, "It's a bit rich for my blood." You know what I mean?
0:24:43 > 0:24:45"Yeah, take the lion. See how far you get."
0:24:45 > 0:24:49There was a rather unfortunate incident in 1830.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52A keeper accidentally allowed two tigers and one lion to be in
0:24:52 > 0:24:54the same enclosure and there was a horrible fight
0:24:54 > 0:24:58that they only managed to end by introducing a sort of red hot prongs
0:24:58 > 0:25:01to the noses of the tigers who eventually stalked off.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03But who do you think won?
0:25:03 > 0:25:06- Two against one...- Yeah, and it's tigers.- The lion king.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08No, the lion king didn't win, I'm afraid.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Simba licked his wounds and died a few days later.
0:25:11 > 0:25:12Very sad. Very sad.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14But anyway, it was an amazing place.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Imagine an imaginary menagerie
0:25:16 > 0:25:18managed by an imaginary menagerie manager.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:27 > 0:25:29So, there we are.
0:25:29 > 0:25:34Now, what would you do in 12th century London if you saw this man?
0:25:37 > 0:25:39It is a ghost.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Oh, you're spending a penny, are you?
0:25:44 > 0:25:47- I'm going to spend my penny, yes. - Jason's spending his penny.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49TOILET FLUSHES
0:25:49 > 0:25:50Must be.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53You're absolutely right! Absolutely right.
0:25:53 > 0:25:54Toilet, toilets.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57APPLAUSE
0:25:57 > 0:26:00You'd be like... You'd put that round you.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03- That's right. Do you want to try it out?- Go on, then.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Is that man an old-fashioned Portaloo?
0:26:05 > 0:26:07This is... This is Steve,
0:26:07 > 0:26:09one of our most gifted intellectuals.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Intellectual elves.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:19 > 0:26:23Can you pass me the newspaper? Pass the newspaper!
0:26:23 > 0:26:26And I believe there's an extra farthing for a happy ending,
0:26:26 > 0:26:28but the...
0:26:28 > 0:26:31- Have you had sufficient? - Sufficient.
0:26:31 > 0:26:35Sufficient! In the 12th century, there were those who were a little
0:26:35 > 0:26:38bit too, you know, a little bit pernickety
0:26:38 > 0:26:40and didn't want to be seen taking a poo in the street, as many did.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43And so these gentlemen would come around with their big capes
0:26:43 > 0:26:45and allow you a little bit of privacy.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Did people used to just poo in the street?
0:26:48 > 0:26:50- Otherwise they would poo in the street.- Would they?- Yeah.
0:26:50 > 0:26:54- Times have changed, haven't they, Stephen?- They have, absolutely.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Though there's a lot of peeing in the street, late at night.
0:26:57 > 0:27:01- Yeah.- A huge amount.- Yeah, and I'll admit to that. But, you know...
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Quite. Needs must.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05May I thank our senior elf,
0:27:05 > 0:27:09who has done something well beneath his huge dignity?
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Steve Colwen, ladies and gentlemen - thank you.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14APPLAUSE
0:27:19 > 0:27:20Marvellous service.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23We do know the name of one of these - Thomas Butcher.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26He's in the records. He was fined for overcharging.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29- Oh, really?- Yeah.- What, afterwards? Like, he had a look in and went,
0:27:29 > 0:27:34- "I think you can give me a fiver." - Possibly! Oh, dear.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Did he have anyone standing beside him,
0:27:36 > 0:27:39selling deodorant and lollipops?
0:27:39 > 0:27:42Toilet roll, really, that's what you want.
0:27:42 > 0:27:48There's an animal that sort of also does that similar draping effect.
0:27:48 > 0:27:52- Do you know what it is? - Yeah, it's a bird with its feathers.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54- I can't... Is it a nights...? - It's a black heron.
0:27:54 > 0:27:58- And why would it do that? - To protect its eggs.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01There it is. There's it doing it, black heron.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04Is it to trick its prey into thinking it's night-time
0:28:04 > 0:28:06- so it comes out? - It actually creates a shadow
0:28:06 > 0:28:09and fish are very drawn to cooler water in certain climates,
0:28:09 > 0:28:12so the fish see what they think will be cooler water cos there may
0:28:12 > 0:28:15be a tree overhanging or something like that, and it gobbles them up.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18- So it's a lure. It's a wonderful, clever lure.- It's amazing to watch.
0:28:18 > 0:28:22We did a show for BBC called Walk On The Wild Side, which you did...
0:28:22 > 0:28:25Yes, I remember doing the voices for various animals.
0:28:25 > 0:28:30And it does it in quite an odd motion, it's quite fast.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32Cos we did a thing and it just went
0:28:32 > 0:28:34"night-time, day time. Night-time, day time."
0:28:34 > 0:28:37- That's so sweet! - That was our fun little sketch.
0:28:37 > 0:28:39I do it with men in nightclubs. I go...
0:28:42 > 0:28:45It's you!
0:28:45 > 0:28:47It is me!
0:28:47 > 0:28:50There you go. Horror. Medieval lavatory attendants provided
0:28:50 > 0:28:53personal privacy and a bucket.
0:28:53 > 0:28:55Now it's time to get our kit off
0:28:55 > 0:28:58and frolic in the sub-zero temperatures of General Ignorance.
0:28:58 > 0:28:59So fingers on buzzers if you would.
0:28:59 > 0:29:03What's black and white and doesn't live in the Arctic?
0:29:03 > 0:29:05- BIKE HORN TOOTS - Penguins.
0:29:05 > 0:29:07Oh, what a shame!
0:29:07 > 0:29:09KLAXON BLARES
0:29:09 > 0:29:13Well, you know, the fact is they're not indigenous to the Arctic,
0:29:13 > 0:29:17the North Pole. And you're right, they don't naturally occur there.
0:29:17 > 0:29:20But man has taken them there, as pets on boats.
0:29:20 > 0:29:23Because they're cute and they were left there and they sort of got on
0:29:23 > 0:29:26and made a living pretty happily amongst the fish there...
0:29:26 > 0:29:28Despite being eaten by a polar bear.
0:29:28 > 0:29:31Well, that was a surprise, when they met the polar bear, presumably.
0:29:31 > 0:29:34Ahhh!
0:29:34 > 0:29:36"What is that?!"
0:29:36 > 0:29:40"Why are you so dressed up and where are you off to?"
0:29:40 > 0:29:44Despite what they say, there are some penguins in the Arctic.
0:29:44 > 0:29:47Which part of the world does the idea
0:29:47 > 0:29:48of eating frogs' legs come from?
0:29:48 > 0:29:50- CAR HORN TOOTS - Go on, Jason.
0:29:50 > 0:29:54- France.- Oh! Bless you. Very sweet of you.
0:29:54 > 0:29:56- Yeah, it's all right. - Is it England?
0:29:57 > 0:30:00Yes! Bless my soul!
0:30:05 > 0:30:08So far as we can tell, this is absolutely right.
0:30:08 > 0:30:11There is evidence of the early Neolithic British
0:30:11 > 0:30:15eating frogs' legs in our most iconic memorial.
0:30:15 > 0:30:17There it is. Stone - look at it - Henge.
0:30:17 > 0:30:19- Henge.- Yeah, exactly.
0:30:19 > 0:30:22What could be hengier or stonier? How many years ago?
0:30:22 > 0:30:26- I'll give you a thousand either way, when we discovered...- 4,000.- 4,000.
0:30:26 > 0:30:28It's about 9,000 years ago,
0:30:28 > 0:30:31that's to say, between 7,000 and 6,000 BC.
0:30:31 > 0:30:34There is evidence, not just of eating... Well, there's toads,
0:30:34 > 0:30:38but also, we've got three-course meal evidence.
0:30:38 > 0:30:41Frogs with hazelnuts, followed by a fish course,
0:30:41 > 0:30:44- followed by blackberries. That's not bad, is it?- Sounds nice.
0:30:44 > 0:30:47That would see you through nicely, very healthy. Very healthy.
0:30:47 > 0:30:50To the nearest...thousand tonnes,
0:30:50 > 0:30:54how many tonnes of frogs' legs do the French get through a year?
0:30:54 > 0:30:55500,000 tonnes.
0:30:55 > 0:30:58500,000 tonnes? Half a million tonnes.
0:31:02 > 0:31:07It's between 3,000 and 4,000 tonnes. It's still a fair quantity.
0:31:07 > 0:31:09- Yeah.- I thought they had massive frogs.
0:31:09 > 0:31:13- It would be peculiar. - The size of a man.
0:31:13 > 0:31:15Now, what's this? What's this? What's this? Pass it down.
0:31:15 > 0:31:17Just tell me what it is, have a taste.
0:31:17 > 0:31:20It's, I promise you, not poison, despite being green.
0:31:20 > 0:31:22- It's not wasabi, is it? - Not wasabi, is it?
0:31:22 > 0:31:25Wasabi, there we go!
0:31:25 > 0:31:28You would be served this if you were to go out around London
0:31:28 > 0:31:31and go to most Japanese restaurants,
0:31:31 > 0:31:34and we can have a taste and it's...woo!
0:31:34 > 0:31:37- Pretty hot.- I can't.- Do you find it too hot?- Yeah, I can't even...
0:31:37 > 0:31:40My mother thinks tomato and basil soup is too spicy.
0:31:40 > 0:31:43"Oh, that's too spicy for me. What's in that?" Salt.
0:31:43 > 0:31:47That is as close to wasabi as you could get without it being wasabi.
0:31:47 > 0:31:50I nearly took a mouthful of that, you know, it's not a joke.
0:31:50 > 0:31:54- I can't take chilli, but I can take as much mustard...- I put a load in
0:31:54 > 0:31:56cos you said it wasn't... ALAN: You said it's not wasabi!
0:31:56 > 0:31:59- It's not wasabi. - Well, it's...
0:31:59 > 0:32:01I'll tell you what it is.
0:32:01 > 0:32:03I'll tell you what it is.
0:32:03 > 0:32:04It's killed a man over there.
0:32:04 > 0:32:06This is not Jackass, it's QI!
0:32:09 > 0:32:11What you're eating there is horseradish.
0:32:11 > 0:32:14- Horseradish.- Now you may say wasabi is Japanese horseradish,
0:32:14 > 0:32:17but the wasabi you get sold in British restaurants
0:32:17 > 0:32:21is almost always ordinary British horseradish dyed green.
0:32:21 > 0:32:22- No!- Yes.
0:32:22 > 0:32:25Because real wasabi, although it's related to horseradish,
0:32:25 > 0:32:29takes two years to mature and it's very expensive to transport.
0:32:29 > 0:32:31So it's much easier to use the British stuff,
0:32:31 > 0:32:34which grows on railway sidings and is cheap as chips,
0:32:34 > 0:32:35to use that instead.
0:32:35 > 0:32:38You know what, Stephen? That would have been lovely
0:32:38 > 0:32:42just if you'd explained it and used some bloody pictures!
0:32:42 > 0:32:46- I'm sorry.- Rather than give us some and go, "Put that in your mouth!"
0:32:46 > 0:32:49- I'm so sorry. - I swear to God -
0:32:49 > 0:32:51I mean, I can hear things like a dog does!
0:32:53 > 0:32:55It's done things in me head!
0:32:55 > 0:32:58I've been waiting all my life to become a superhero
0:32:58 > 0:33:02and all you had to do was give me a bloody spoonful of that!
0:33:02 > 0:33:04- Yeah. It's opened... - I'm seeing through walls!
0:33:09 > 0:33:12It's opened your Eustachian tube and your sinuses.
0:33:12 > 0:33:14Oh, yeah, yeah, cancel my car, I'm flying home.
0:33:19 > 0:33:24Oh, bless you. Now shove your little dishes away, if you can.
0:33:24 > 0:33:28- You might want to keep them.- That's enough superpowers for one day.
0:33:28 > 0:33:31I'm going to demonstrate something called the Leidenfrost effect,
0:33:31 > 0:33:34named after a certain Dr Leidenfrost.
0:33:34 > 0:33:39So, allow me to present a tray, which may seem rather mysterious.
0:33:39 > 0:33:41There we go.
0:33:41 > 0:33:42Now, essentially, what the principle is -
0:33:42 > 0:33:45I'll explain it first and then you'll see it -
0:33:45 > 0:33:47is that when you drop some water on a very hot surface,
0:33:47 > 0:33:50it kind of beads into a little ball.
0:33:50 > 0:33:54And goes around, it's often a way you test the heat of a frying pan
0:33:54 > 0:33:58or so on, or if you drop water accidentally onto a hotplate.
0:33:58 > 0:34:01And if you allow this beading to take place on certain surfaces,
0:34:01 > 0:34:04the beading is sort of predictable and rather exciting.
0:34:04 > 0:34:06And you can see a little bit of it on VT,
0:34:06 > 0:34:10in which the bead is going uphill.
0:34:10 > 0:34:13There it's being dropped from a pipette onto a very hot, ridged,
0:34:13 > 0:34:15sort of, saw-toothed surface,
0:34:15 > 0:34:18and you can see the ball itself, that's how it...
0:34:18 > 0:34:21That's how my sperm reacts with a ridged condom.
0:34:23 > 0:34:25You may be wearing it inside out.
0:34:25 > 0:34:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:34:33 > 0:34:36Why have you got your sperm in a pipette?
0:34:39 > 0:34:43- Sufficient, sufficient. - All right.
0:34:43 > 0:34:47I have pipettes here, and this is room temperature.
0:34:47 > 0:34:48I'm going to put it on here
0:34:48 > 0:34:50and you can see, as I drop the water,
0:34:50 > 0:34:53that it's just... Nothing much happens.
0:34:53 > 0:34:57But the beads go off and that's starting to boil and frizz.
0:34:57 > 0:35:02And as it gets hotter, you will see the Leidenfrost effect of it.
0:35:02 > 0:35:05Listen - you'd swear the women were watching the Chippendales.
0:35:05 > 0:35:07"Ooh! Aah."
0:35:07 > 0:35:09Where it gets interesting is where these things have been
0:35:09 > 0:35:12left on the heat and so are already incredibly hot.
0:35:12 > 0:35:15And this is a little concave thing, and we drop a bit in
0:35:15 > 0:35:18and it goes round and round and round and round.
0:35:18 > 0:35:20Rather beautifully.
0:35:20 > 0:35:22And now we've got another one with the saw-tooth
0:35:22 > 0:35:25that we saw climbing up, but this is a circular saw tooth
0:35:25 > 0:35:27and it should go round and round as well.
0:35:27 > 0:35:29Whee! Incredible speed, look at that.
0:35:29 > 0:35:31I don't know why young people have to go and, you know,
0:35:31 > 0:35:33play Grand Theft Auto,
0:35:33 > 0:35:36- when they've all this sort of craic to look forward to.- I know, exactly.
0:35:36 > 0:35:37Isn't it fun?
0:35:37 > 0:35:40And for the grand finale, you can see here,
0:35:40 > 0:35:41next to the hotplate, is...
0:35:41 > 0:35:45We've got ourselves a sort of maze.
0:35:45 > 0:35:47And let's see what happens here.
0:35:49 > 0:35:51Cool! That's just water?
0:35:51 > 0:35:54It has a very predictable path and they go all the way round.
0:35:54 > 0:35:56If they've got enough energy, they'll go round twice.
0:35:56 > 0:35:58There you go. Big fellow.
0:35:58 > 0:36:02That's like chasing me dad round a shopping precinct.
0:36:02 > 0:36:03"Don't abandon me!"
0:36:03 > 0:36:06- That's it, there you go. - "I will make you proud.
0:36:06 > 0:36:10"Dad? Dad, come back!"
0:36:10 > 0:36:11Hours of harmless fun.
0:36:11 > 0:36:14Now, I asked the very nice scientist from the University of Bath,
0:36:14 > 0:36:16who've lent us this equipment,
0:36:16 > 0:36:20what technical solutions this may offer the world, and he said,
0:36:20 > 0:36:22"Actually, most of the time, the Leidenfrost effect
0:36:22 > 0:36:26"provides technical problems of plumbing and things like that.
0:36:26 > 0:36:28"And it isn't always a desirable effect."
0:36:28 > 0:36:31So if you can think, at home, some useful solution that could be
0:36:31 > 0:36:33used for the Leidenfrost effect we'd be very grateful.
0:36:33 > 0:36:36But thank you, Kei Takashina from the University of Bath
0:36:36 > 0:36:39for the loan of this splendid equipment.
0:36:39 > 0:36:42APPLAUSE
0:36:42 > 0:36:45And that brings us to the sizzling scores.
0:36:45 > 0:36:47Well, my word, we have a...
0:36:47 > 0:36:49Well, I'm not surprised he's won, he's been on fire.
0:36:49 > 0:36:51Despite one klaxon,
0:36:51 > 0:36:54a clear lead from Jason Manford, at plus three.
0:36:54 > 0:36:56Oh, amazing.
0:36:56 > 0:36:59- That's really never happened before. - Three for all that?- I know!
0:36:59 > 0:37:03And in second place, that intellectual war horse,
0:37:03 > 0:37:05Johnny Vegas on two!
0:37:05 > 0:37:08APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:37:08 > 0:37:11And a magnificent debut for Aisling Bea, on minus seven.
0:37:11 > 0:37:16Come on, Ireland! Come on, Ireland.
0:37:16 > 0:37:19But just pipping them in the L for Loser position
0:37:19 > 0:37:22is Alan Davies with minus 14.
0:37:22 > 0:37:24Thank you very much.
0:37:29 > 0:37:32That's all from Aisling, Johnny, Jason, Alan and me.
0:37:32 > 0:37:35And I leave you with the rather poignant last words
0:37:35 > 0:37:38from Stan Laurel, who, when asked how he felt
0:37:38 > 0:37:40said, "I wish I was skiing."
0:37:40 > 0:37:44"Oh, Mr Laurel, do you ski?" replied the nurse.
0:37:44 > 0:37:48"No," he said, "but I'd rather be skiing than doing what I am doing."
0:37:48 > 0:37:49Good night.