0:00:29 > 0:00:33G-o-o-o-d evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:33 > 0:00:36good evening, good evening, good evening, welcome to QI.
0:00:36 > 0:00:41Tonight, we're leaping our way through language and literature.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Lurking in my labyrinth are the loquacious Jack Whitehall...
0:00:44 > 0:00:46APPLAUSE
0:00:47 > 0:00:51..the logomaniac, Lloyd Langford...
0:00:51 > 0:00:53APPLAUSE
0:00:55 > 0:00:57..the learned Victoria Coren Mitchell...
0:00:57 > 0:00:59APPLAUSE
0:01:01 > 0:01:04..and the long-suffering Alan Davies.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07APPLAUSE
0:01:08 > 0:01:11So, let's hear your lines.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Jack goes...
0:01:13 > 0:01:16DING "I wandered lonely as a cloud..."
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Lloyd goes...
0:01:19 > 0:01:21DANG "That floats on high
0:01:21 > 0:01:23"o'er vales and hills..."
0:01:23 > 0:01:24Victoria goes...
0:01:24 > 0:01:28DONG "When all at once I saw a crowd..."
0:01:28 > 0:01:30And Alan goes...
0:01:30 > 0:01:33AIR HORN "Arsenal, Arsenal!"
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Oh, dear.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Let's start with a nice easy one.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41In fact, this one is so easy I'm going to ask the audience.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Have you read 1984? Hands up if you've read 1984.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Wow, that's pretty good. How many...?
0:01:47 > 0:01:50- KLAXON - How many...? Yeah.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53The fact is, research on several occasions
0:01:53 > 0:01:57show that at least a quarter of the people who claim
0:01:57 > 0:01:59to have read 1984 are lying,
0:01:59 > 0:02:02- so I'm afraid we have to take points away from you.- Really?
0:02:02 > 0:02:03Yeah.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Can you put your hand up if you said you'd read it,
0:02:06 > 0:02:08but actually secretly you haven't?
0:02:08 > 0:02:12- Oh, come on.- Come on. - Oh, you look very shifty.- Yes.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15The honest man at the back has earned some more... The audience.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18I have to confess here, I studied English at university,
0:02:18 > 0:02:20- I haven't read it. - I should hope not!
0:02:20 > 0:02:22What kind of English degree
0:02:22 > 0:02:24would include something written as late as 1948?
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Well, that's true, yes. We read things written in 1370.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31But I kind of felt I didn't need to, which is an appalling thing to say.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Oh, it's terribly good, Stephen.
0:02:33 > 0:02:34Well, I kind of, I know...
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Look at all the TV shows named after it.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Two at least, Room 101 and Big Brother.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42- Oh, that's ruined my line. - Oh, sorry!
0:02:42 > 0:02:44LAUGHTER
0:02:44 > 0:02:47I know how it opens. It opens with the clock striking 13,
0:02:47 > 0:02:49I know the character's called Winston.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51It's really good and they made a film of it with John Hurt.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54It's hard to bother, isn't it, when there's a great film of a book?
0:02:54 > 0:02:57- I was the same with the Muppet Christmas Carol. - LAUGHTER
0:02:57 > 0:02:59- You know, I feel it's been done. - Quite. Why would you bother?
0:02:59 > 0:03:03I know what the turkey does in the story. Why read it?
0:03:03 > 0:03:06That is a masterpiece of a film, it has to be said.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09I lie a lot to impress people, and I'll be honest now,
0:03:09 > 0:03:13I have never read The Hungry Caterpillar. LAUGHTER
0:03:13 > 0:03:15I get so close to the end and I get too emotional.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17I'm like, "He's going to die, he's overfed himself,
0:03:17 > 0:03:19"I can't, I can't do it." And I stop.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21So I just pretend that I've read it.
0:03:21 > 0:03:26- I don't know what happens. - No, no, he becomes a butterfl... - LAUGHTER
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Spoiler! Spoiler!
0:03:28 > 0:03:30I'm so sorry, that was wrong of me.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33That's like when I knew someone who gave away the end of Psycho -
0:03:33 > 0:03:36- it's nearly as serious as that. - Oh, my goodness.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40- There are some books that you don't need to bother reading.- Hmm?
0:03:40 > 0:03:41Like, it's controversial to say it,
0:03:41 > 0:03:45but I don't think Harry Potter is worth reading. LAUGHTER
0:03:45 > 0:03:48Because it is so expertly narrated on the audio books.
0:03:48 > 0:03:49You're so right.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53By none other than Mr Stephen, but it is! It is. It, I mean...
0:03:53 > 0:03:56APPLAUSE
0:03:56 > 0:03:59No, but I do, after I listened to the Harry Potter books,
0:03:59 > 0:04:00with you narrating them,
0:04:00 > 0:04:04everything in my life is narrated by Stephen Fry. All my thoughts,
0:04:04 > 0:04:07my internal monologue, is now Stephen Fry's voice.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Even the dirty thoughts are Stephen's voice. No,
0:04:09 > 0:04:12because it makes it acceptable. I had a sexual thought the other day
0:04:12 > 0:04:14and I'll put my hand in the air,
0:04:14 > 0:04:16I had a sexual thought about Camilla Parker Bowles.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19It didn't seem weird because Stephen was saying it to me.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23Now, I should say that there's a bonus hidden in tonight's programme,
0:04:23 > 0:04:26and that is what we call the Spend A Penny bonus.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28JINGLE
0:04:28 > 0:04:30FLUSHING
0:04:30 > 0:04:35That's it. There'll be one question, at least, tonight, whose theme...
0:04:35 > 0:04:37LAUGHTER
0:04:37 > 0:04:38..whose theme is lavatorial.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42And if you think that the answer is something to do with the lavatory,
0:04:42 > 0:04:44then you wave and you spend your penny.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47I'm going to keep mine and use it in one of those arcades.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50That's a very good idea.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Now, here's a lovely list of Victorian slang.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55What do these L words mean?
0:04:55 > 0:04:57We've got lally-gagging or lolly-gagging.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Last shake o' the bag. Land o'Scots. Land o'cakes.
0:04:59 > 0:05:00Lemon Squash Party.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03- I know lolly-gagging.- Yeah?
0:05:03 > 0:05:06That's when you squeeze too hard at the bottom of your Calippo.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Oh.
0:05:08 > 0:05:09LAUGHTER
0:05:12 > 0:05:13Ow. Followed by brain freeze.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15But if you do that and you squeeze too hard,
0:05:15 > 0:05:18then it comes right out of the tube, but you can't deal with it all.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21What do you do? Do you bite it off?
0:05:21 > 0:05:24- You lolly-gag. - LAUGHTER
0:05:24 > 0:05:25Kind of a shover.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30That's a very odd thing to see. Do that again.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32LAUGHTER
0:05:34 > 0:05:37A Leg Maniac is one of those people whose leg twitches
0:05:37 > 0:05:39- when they're sitting in a chair. - It would be a good name for that.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42I used to do that terribly as a teenager, just endless bouncing.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44- I've been doing it all show. - Have you?- Yeah.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47- It's very hard to stop once you start.- It's so hard
0:05:47 > 0:05:48- and now I'm thinking about it.- Oh.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51I'm not thinking about it, Stephen Fry is thinking about it.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53But you should roll with it
0:05:53 > 0:05:55because Michael Flatley made a living out of that.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59- VICTORIA:- I know one of them. - Yes, say.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Land o'cakes is Robert Burns, isn't it?
0:06:01 > 0:06:02Yes, you're absolutely right.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04- Scotland.- He's talking about Scotland.- Scotland. Good.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07But Land o'Scots you would think would be Scotland, but it isn't.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09It's actually heaven.
0:06:09 > 0:06:10Go figure.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12- Learning Shover, you might guess. - Teacher.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Yes. Quite right. You know a bit about that.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17- Yes. Can I have a point? - Yes, you certainly can.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20- Thank you, sir.- Lally-gagging.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22It's very hard to guess, actually.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24You either know it, or you don't, really.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26It means to flirt, Jack.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Oh, yes, I did a bit of flirting, didn't I? Last time I was on.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31- You did, you lally-gagged. - But I decided,
0:06:31 > 0:06:33cos it was very awkward when the show went out
0:06:33 > 0:06:35and I had a very long conversation with my father,
0:06:35 > 0:06:37and I watched it back...
0:06:37 > 0:06:39"Have you got something to tell me, Jack?"
0:06:39 > 0:06:41And, no, I looked very... I looked back at it and to be honest,
0:06:41 > 0:06:43I looked desperate for your affections.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46And so this evening I have decided to deploy a little bit of carrot
0:06:46 > 0:06:48- and a little bit of stick... - Very good.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50..because last time I showed you too much of my carrot.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52LAUGHTER
0:06:52 > 0:06:55A very charming carrot it was, too.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57- VICTORIA:- Now, here's a problem. You've just explained
0:06:57 > 0:07:00we can wave this little fan if we think it's lavatorial.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03I'm looking at "last shake of the bag"
0:07:03 > 0:07:05and "lemon squash party".
0:07:06 > 0:07:08And I'm thinking, I really hope not.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Lemon Squash Party looks like something
0:07:10 > 0:07:12you could put into the internet and find...
0:07:12 > 0:07:14LAUGHTER
0:07:14 > 0:07:17- Tennis players.- Yes.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19- Is it a political party? - It's not a political party.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22It's part of a movement that was very popular in the 19th century,
0:07:22 > 0:07:24a rather dull movement to many of us, perhaps.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26- It's very straightforward. - Temperance.
0:07:26 > 0:07:31Temperance. It is an all-male party where only lemon squash was served.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33It's that simple.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35I mean, we've all had a lemon squash party.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38It's the party that comes AFTER the after-party.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40- You're quite right. - Last shake o' the bag.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43- That's my favourite. - Is that...?
0:07:43 > 0:07:48Is it, like, something to do with you, like, your...?
0:07:48 > 0:07:50LAUGHTER No...
0:07:50 > 0:07:53- Out with it, man.- It's not. Is it, like, your last child?
0:07:53 > 0:07:54Yes. Your youngest child.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58- Because it's the last...bag. - The last shake of the bag. Isn't that great?
0:07:58 > 0:08:00I think it's a terrific phrase.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02"Meet Benjamin, he's my last shake of the bag."
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Yes, you've had teacher.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Leg Maniac is the only one we haven't covered
0:08:08 > 0:08:11and it's just really an eccentric dancer, a rather frenzied dancer.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13I was right with Flatley, then.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Yes, you were, basically. They're rather pleasing.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18I'm particularly sorry that last shake o' the bag's
0:08:18 > 0:08:19gone out of the language.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Now, without mincing words, what is this?
0:08:21 > 0:08:23"Ah, I have to be, rather like Ask The Family.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25"It's going to come into view.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28"Ah. Ah-ha!"
0:08:28 > 0:08:30- Toilet! - JINGLE
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Yes. It couldn't be more lavatorial, could it?
0:08:32 > 0:08:36But... But you have to answer the question, what is it?
0:08:36 > 0:08:39- What do you mean, what is it? - Without mincing words, what is it?
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Oh, it's going to be a trick one, like, it's a set of weights.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45- LAUGHTER - No.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48- It's a toilet.- Oh! - KLAXON
0:08:48 > 0:08:51- A lavatory.- Lavatory. - KLAXON CONTINUES
0:08:51 > 0:08:54- Bog.- Water closet.- We've had lavatory, toilet, water closet.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Shitter!
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Shitter. Water closet, we had.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02- Khazi.- Water closet. - We had water closet.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04A flush, a wall-mounted flushable...
0:09:06 > 0:09:08- Yes, excrement receiver. - ..device. Yes.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11The point is, there is no word for it that isn't a euphemism
0:09:11 > 0:09:14because toilet comes from "toile", meaning "towel", you know,
0:09:14 > 0:09:17- that's where we get our word "towel".- I always wee in a towel, so...
0:09:17 > 0:09:19- Well, in that case it's realistic. - Then it is.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22A lavatory is from "lavare", the Latin for "to wash".
0:09:22 > 0:09:24So it's a bit like saying the washroom,
0:09:24 > 0:09:27which is a very American euphemism that we find silly.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30A water closet just means a cupboard with water in it, running water.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Although, to be fair, there are all sorts of words
0:09:32 > 0:09:35for which there's nothing that isn't a euphemism.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37I mean, kitchen. We don't have a word "cookpot place".
0:09:37 > 0:09:39- We're not German!- No, that's right.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42I mean, all language is metaphorical and to some extent hedges around.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46- There is just...- Why has that one at the top been...? The interior is...
0:09:46 > 0:09:51Looks like it's been done with one of Noel Edmonds' shirts. LAUGHTER
0:09:51 > 0:09:52It does, doesn't it? Exactly like.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55It's a Crinkly Bottom one, in every sense.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58So, there is no actual word for the little boys' room
0:09:58 > 0:10:00that isn't a you-know-what.
0:10:00 > 0:10:04What suggestions do you have for the last line of this limerick?
0:10:04 > 0:10:06There was an old person of Chile,
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Whose conduct was painful and silly,
0:10:08 > 0:10:11He sat on the stairs, eating apples and pears...
0:10:11 > 0:10:13- Firing pips out of his willy. - LAUGHTER
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Very good. I don't think that can be improved upon.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27It certainly wasn't improved upon
0:10:27 > 0:10:30by the author of that limerick, who was...?
0:10:30 > 0:10:32George Orwell.
0:10:32 > 0:10:33- LLOYD:- Eric Blair.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36- VICTORIA:- Was it Edward Lear?- Edward Lear, as Victoria rightly said,
0:10:36 > 0:10:39who sort of popularised the form. But he had one fatal flaw
0:10:39 > 0:10:41in his limerick writing, which was, do you know?
0:10:41 > 0:10:44- Was the last line the same as the first?- The last line was more or less the same.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Is it - "That boring old person of Chile"?
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Basically it is, yeah, as you will see, it is
0:10:48 > 0:10:52"That imprudent old person of Chile."
0:10:52 > 0:10:55I think you'll all agree that Alan's version is a lot better.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Yeah, firing pips out of the willy is a lot funnier than that.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03Yes, that's exactly what I mean. On the other hand, less Victorian.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05He was sort of around the latter half of the 19th century.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08- That is an entirely pointless thing to write down.- It is,
0:11:08 > 0:11:11but it popularised the form, and there are other versions of his.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15- They're all...- It's not painful and silly is it, to be imprudent?
0:11:15 > 0:11:18- No.- It's painful and silly to put the pips in your willy...
0:11:18 > 0:11:20- Oh, it certainly is. - And fire them out.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22I think we're all with you, Alan.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25But why has he not thought...? He hasn't thought of a painful,
0:11:25 > 0:11:27- silly thing to do... - He hasn't thought it through.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29..related to apples, pears and being on stairs.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32He just says it's imprudent. But there's nothing in that that's...
0:11:32 > 0:11:35There's nothing imprudent in the previous four lines.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39- I mean, the thing is, apples and pears is rhyming slang for stairs, isn't it?- Anyway.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41- Yeah, he's eating the stairs. - He's eating the stairs!
0:11:41 > 0:11:43LAUGHTER
0:11:43 > 0:11:46He's sat on the stairs eating the apples and pears.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Firing splinters out of his willy.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52And also it's "Chil-lay", which doesn't rhyme with silly.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55- Well, unless you say "sil-lay". - "Sil-lay".
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Which is how I pronounce it.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Well, anyway, other versions you might be able to finish.
0:12:03 > 0:12:08There was an old man with a gong who bumped at it all day long
0:12:08 > 0:12:11But they called out, "O Lor'! You're a horrid old bore!"
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Pull up your trousers, you're doing it wrong.
0:12:15 > 0:12:19It sounds like that new Coldplay song.
0:12:19 > 0:12:20Very good.
0:12:20 > 0:12:25Which, if you haven't heard it, sounds like any Coldplay song.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28What, so it's going to be, "You're a horrible old bore.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30"You silly old man with a gong."
0:12:30 > 0:12:32- Basically, yeah.- This guy's shit.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36- He is. You can see his original. - These are like Lil Wayne lyrics.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38So they smashed that old man with a gong.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42- They smashed him with the gong?! - Yeah.- Why did they do that?!
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Because he was a horrid old bore.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48- Well, just take the gong away. There's no need to...- Yeah.
0:12:48 > 0:12:52Once you've got the gong from the old man, the problem's solved.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54He's not going to annoy you with the gong any more.
0:12:54 > 0:12:55There's no point to then smash...
0:12:55 > 0:12:58To smash him with the gong is a greater crime than to hit the gong,
0:12:58 > 0:13:01regardless of whether he does it all day long.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05Also, move away. Go out of earshot where you can't hear the gong.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09- There's no excuse for assaulting. - Your outrage is commendable.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Let's get some more points by saying,
0:13:11 > 0:13:14"To forgive Edward Lear is to know him better."
0:13:14 > 0:13:17And what was his first and greatest achievement?
0:13:17 > 0:13:20And it wasn't poetry, despite The Pobble Who Had No Toes
0:13:20 > 0:13:23and The Owl And The Pussycat, which are wonderful poems.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Was it the jet?
0:13:25 > 0:13:27LAUGHTER
0:13:28 > 0:13:30It's a nice thought.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32He wasn't a poet, primarily, he was something else.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34A cook.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36A racing driver.
0:13:36 > 0:13:37Astronaut.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Well, you either know or you don't. He was a painter.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43He was particularly, an orno...onorothol...
0:13:43 > 0:13:47- Do you know, funnily enough... - Birds. Bird paintings.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Yes. Ornithological painter.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51I think he got a lot better as he went from left to right.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54LAUGHTER
0:13:54 > 0:13:57APPLAUSE
0:14:00 > 0:14:03But it's still the same. Look, he started with a parrot
0:14:03 > 0:14:06- and he's ended with a parrot. - Yes.- Just paint another bird.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09That's what held you back in the limerick game
0:14:09 > 0:14:11and it's holding you back in the painting game as well.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13- Open your eyes!- It is.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19- Look at the owl. The owl's just heard one of the limericks.- Yes.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25David Attenborough described him
0:14:25 > 0:14:28as the greatest British ornithological painter there was,
0:14:28 > 0:14:31and he was incredibly accurate and in the time before photography,
0:14:31 > 0:14:34- extraordinarily useful. - Well, I mean, he was quite accurate.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36The second parrot is odd.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39- No, he did comic ones too. - The second from the left, though,
0:14:39 > 0:14:41I think he started off doing a dolphin.
0:14:44 > 0:14:45True.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49He had a cat called Foss of whom he was so fond that
0:14:49 > 0:14:52when he was forced to move from the area he lived into another area,
0:14:52 > 0:14:54he did something quite remarkable. Can you imagine what it is?
0:14:54 > 0:14:57- Stuffed it.- No. He certainly wouldn't want to see it dead.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59He loved it very much.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02He built a house in the second place that was identical
0:15:02 > 0:15:05to the house he'd come from so the cat would feel at home.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08The cat sat on the mat It was fat...
0:15:08 > 0:15:09the cat.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11LAUGHTER
0:15:13 > 0:15:14There we are.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16It's not supposed to be worse, is it?
0:15:16 > 0:15:19I think putting in his bid there to be the next poet laureate,
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Alan Davies. So...
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Genuinely, though, it sounds like he was sort of a lunatic for symmetry.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27- Yes.- All he needed was to live in three slightly different houses
0:15:27 > 0:15:29in between the two identical ones...
0:15:29 > 0:15:31And he would have an architectural limerick.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33- He would have realised his dream. - Yeah, it's true.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36- LLOYD:- Also, he would have done that to make him at home.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39To make himself at home rather than the cat?
0:15:39 > 0:15:41And he's gone, "I've sort of done this for the cat,"
0:15:41 > 0:15:45but secretly he's thinking, "Well, I know where toilet is.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48- "Same place as the last time." - It's true. You never know.
0:15:48 > 0:15:52What kind of logical reasoning did Sherlock Holmes use?
0:15:52 > 0:15:54L for logic there. Oh.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56- Lavatorial?- Hmm.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58That's not correct.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00LAUGHTER
0:16:01 > 0:16:03- Lavatorial reasoning.- Yeah.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06So take me through lavatorial reasoning.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09No, you do, cos when you go to the loo, it unclogs your body
0:16:09 > 0:16:12- and your mind.- Oh, I see. - So like... No, it does.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15- Scatological.- Yeah, when I'm at home, if I'm stressed by something,
0:16:15 > 0:16:18like a dishwasher, I can't load the dishwasher properly
0:16:18 > 0:16:20and there's loads of bowls and I can't get them in,
0:16:20 > 0:16:22I'm like, "Jack, take a step back.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24"Go and drop the kids off at the pool and come back to it."
0:16:24 > 0:16:27And it works, because it does, you sit on the loo, you think,
0:16:27 > 0:16:30"What's the task going to be like? How am I going to attack this?
0:16:30 > 0:16:33"Let's work out a game plan, a strategy." You deploy the troops,
0:16:33 > 0:16:37come back and I'm slamming those plates in like Tetris.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40And you leave your children alone at a swimming pool, meanwhile?
0:16:40 > 0:16:42That was a horrible metaphor.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44APPLAUSE
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Oh, I see!
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Sorry. I thought you were a bit young...
0:16:52 > 0:16:53You thought I have children?!
0:16:53 > 0:16:56I thought you were a bit young to have children you could just...
0:16:56 > 0:17:00- That means...- Why would I take them to the pool?- That means have a poo.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03I didn't know that meant have a poo. Dropping the kids off at the pool.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06I like that, that's quite a good one.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08- Drop the kids off at the pool. - And the logic is good as well.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10- But we have no evidence that he used that.- Oh, yes.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13But we do know, from the books, the kind of logic he used.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16- There are different sorts of logic. - Well, now,
0:17:16 > 0:17:19if you eliminate the impossible, you're left with the possible.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22- Yes, if everything... - LAUGHTER
0:17:22 > 0:17:25- Deduction?- No, not deduction. - KLAXON
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Oh, you idiot! Ah-ha-ha-ha!
0:17:29 > 0:17:33Deduction is essentially reasoning something which is unchallengeable -
0:17:33 > 0:17:34it must be true.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38You're given a set of premises and the deduction is true.
0:17:38 > 0:17:42So if you say all humans are mortal... Alan Davies is human -
0:17:42 > 0:17:46we can say that - therefore Alan Davies is mortal.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48That's just simply an absolute fact.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50- It must be true... - Oh, that's disappointing.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53If those two premises are true, then the synthesis must be true as well.
0:17:53 > 0:17:58- But abductive reasoning would be saying something like...- Uh-oh.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00I saw Alan Davies in an Arsenal scarf.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03He always cries when Arsenal lose.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06I saw Alan crying, therefore Arsenal just lost.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Now that isn't certainly true,
0:18:08 > 0:18:10but it's the kind of logic that Sherlock Holmes used.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Not absolutely certain and definite to be true,
0:18:13 > 0:18:14but he was nearly always right.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16He reasoned abductively,
0:18:16 > 0:18:18- so that's the sort he used. - Oh.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20There you are. What's his great phrase?
0:18:20 > 0:18:22What's the famous phrase he used?
0:18:22 > 0:18:24- Burn, ant, burn! - LAUGHTER
0:18:36 > 0:18:43- That's fantastic.- You know this was painted by Edward Lear?
0:18:43 > 0:18:46And you recognise the great Sherlock in the middle, I'm sure.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48- Basil Rathbone.- Basil Rathbone, yes. - Basil!
0:18:48 > 0:18:52So, anyway, the famous phrase he is associated with, of course...
0:18:52 > 0:18:54"Elementary, my dear Watson."
0:18:54 > 0:18:57- He never said it.- Which, as Victoria rightly says, he doesn't say.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00But points if you know where it first appeared in literature.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02It was in 1915, by a truly great writer
0:19:02 > 0:19:04who actually based his two most famous characters
0:19:04 > 0:19:06on the relationship between Holmes and Watson.
0:19:06 > 0:19:07One of them a bit of a blitherer,
0:19:07 > 0:19:10- the other one incredibly intelligent.- Jeeves and Wooster?
0:19:10 > 0:19:13- Oh, Wodehouse.- Jeeves and Wooster, yes. So it was PG Wodehouse.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15But it was in fact in another series of his books,
0:19:15 > 0:19:16the Psmith series. There he is.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Called Psmith, Journalist, in 1915, set in New York.
0:19:20 > 0:19:24So, Sherlock Holmes practised abduction, not deduction.
0:19:24 > 0:19:28Now to the universal language of laughter. Who likes clowns?
0:19:28 > 0:19:31No-one.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33UKIP supporters. LAUGHTER
0:19:33 > 0:19:37- Weh-hey!- No, cos they are kind of like clowns, UKIP politicians.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39They're kind of fun and comical and wear silly clothes,
0:19:39 > 0:19:42but they're also terrifying. LAUGHTER
0:19:42 > 0:19:44It's that...
0:19:47 > 0:19:51- Well...- And they also have a lot of white faces.
0:19:55 > 0:19:56Very good.
0:19:58 > 0:19:59Well, the certain answer is...
0:19:59 > 0:20:02No, I'm just trying to work out who likes clowns and thinking,
0:20:02 > 0:20:04"Well, it's certainly not children or adults."
0:20:04 > 0:20:06You're right, so basically other clowns
0:20:06 > 0:20:08is probably the only answer we can come up with.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10- Or sort of other people that work in the circus.- Yes.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13They're not going to be anybody's least favourite thing
0:20:13 > 0:20:15- as long as there are clowns on the bill.- That's true.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17And I like the cars that fall apart
0:20:17 > 0:20:20and some of the gags they do, vaguely, but the actual make-up
0:20:20 > 0:20:23and the whole...schmear as it were, is pretty disturbing.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26And children, it's been shown, do not like them.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28LAUGHTER
0:20:28 > 0:20:29There was a study in 2008 that showed
0:20:29 > 0:20:31that children were more frightened
0:20:31 > 0:20:33than in any way healed, or smoothed, or helped.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35But all children are frightened,
0:20:35 > 0:20:39so that may mean that clowns don't know what laughter sounds like.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43They just think the screams of terrified children are laughter.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45- "I did really well..." - Because it's all they've ever heard.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47"They screamed wonderfully."
0:20:47 > 0:20:49- P Diddy is afraid of clowns.- Is he?
0:20:49 > 0:20:52- Yes.- There is a so-called word for it. Do you know it?
0:20:52 > 0:20:54- Coulrophobic.- Yes, you're right.
0:20:54 > 0:20:55Though, unfortunately,
0:20:55 > 0:20:59and I don't mean this as a personal slight, it's not in the OED,
0:20:59 > 0:21:02and if you look it up in the online etymology dictionary, it says,
0:21:02 > 0:21:05"It looks suspiciously like the sort of thing that idle,
0:21:05 > 0:21:07"pseudo-intellectuals invent on the internet,
0:21:07 > 0:21:10"and which every smarty-pants takes up thereafter."
0:21:10 > 0:21:13I mean, "coulro" is "limb" from a stilt walker, possibly,
0:21:13 > 0:21:16and the Greek for clown is "klooun" which comes from English,
0:21:16 > 0:21:18so, if anything, it should be kloounaphobia, or just...
0:21:18 > 0:21:21No, that's the fear of Martin Clunes.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24Which is an actual real thing. I'm terrified of him.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Cos those ears... Those flappy ears. I remember when he was starting out,
0:21:27 > 0:21:30I can't remember what we were doing, we were in the same place.
0:21:30 > 0:21:34He picked up a magazine. He said, "Oh, God. I think there's an interview with me in this."
0:21:34 > 0:21:37The first line of the interview is, you know, "Six-foot tall,
0:21:37 > 0:21:39"with a tweed jacket, Stephen Fry..."
0:21:39 > 0:21:43Or, you know, "Twinkly with a pert little botty, Jack Whitehall."
0:21:43 > 0:21:45LAUGHTER
0:21:47 > 0:21:50And the one on Martin Clunes just started,
0:21:50 > 0:21:52"Face like a torn arse..."
0:21:52 > 0:21:53LAUGHTER
0:21:56 > 0:21:59It was so unfair! He's got this round, sweet, beautiful face.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02And, actually, women fall for him enormously. Arse! I know!
0:22:02 > 0:22:06- I'm trying to visualise a torn arse. - It's not good.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09- I can help with that as well. - Oh! No, no, no, no.
0:22:09 > 0:22:14Since around 2,500 BC, clowns have been known and written about.
0:22:14 > 0:22:18But the first famous one in Britain, do you know who it might have been in the 18th century?
0:22:18 > 0:22:2117... Born in 1778, really, the 19th century.
0:22:21 > 0:22:22- I know, actually.- Yes, go on.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Joseph Grimaldi.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Grimaldi is the right answer. Joseph Grimaldi.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29APPLAUSE
0:22:32 > 0:22:34It's said that one in eight Londoners saw him perform.
0:22:34 > 0:22:39There's a Grimaldi Park in Islington, not far from where what's-his-chops lived.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42- Who's that? Eric Blair. - Oh, yes, Orwell.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44There's a famous story of someone going to see a doctor,
0:22:44 > 0:22:46before the days of psychology,
0:22:46 > 0:22:49but a doctor who specialised in the mind, and this person said,
0:22:49 > 0:22:51"I'm miserable, every day is horrible, I don't know
0:22:51 > 0:22:53"what to do with myself, I can't get up in the morning."
0:22:53 > 0:22:56And the doctor said, "Well, I suggest going to see Grimaldi.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58"He'll cheer you up."
0:22:58 > 0:23:00And the guy said, "I am Grimaldi."
0:23:00 > 0:23:04- And he was a very miserable man. - No wonder he was so depressed.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07It would have taken him about 45 minutes to get his coat on.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09That's true.
0:23:09 > 0:23:13Also, his wife died in childbirth, his father was a bit of a loon.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15His son drank himself to death. Lots of misery.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18"I am grim all day," he said of himself, Grimaldi,
0:23:18 > 0:23:22"but I make you laugh at night." So, good, excellent.
0:23:22 > 0:23:27And now, in honour of Victoria, QI does Only Connect.
0:23:27 > 0:23:31- Cue music. - ONLY CONNECT THEME PLAYS
0:23:31 > 0:23:34- The greatest programme on television, after QI.- Oh, hello.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36- Yes, does that ring any bells with you?- Oh, yeah.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38So can you choose, please, an Egyptian hieroglyph.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41Oh, my goodness, I've never had the chance to do this before.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Obviously, the Eye of Horus.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Eye of Horus it is.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48You have to find the connection between these five things.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50- Five?- First...
0:23:51 > 0:23:54..John F Kennedy, Profiles In Courage.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Lots of points of course if you get it from one. All right.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Anybody else is allowed to buzz, if they think they know.
0:23:59 > 0:24:00And the second one...
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Schumann, Theme And Variations In E Flat.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05- Hmm.- Whoa.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07LAUGHTER
0:24:08 > 0:24:11- Are you patronising Jack? - You can all piss off!
0:24:13 > 0:24:15What's it got to do with the Eye of Horus?
0:24:15 > 0:24:19- No, that's... You choose. Have you never watched? - LAUGHTER
0:24:19 > 0:24:21- You've never watched Only Connect? - Not a whole one, no.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Not a whole one?!
0:24:24 > 0:24:27All you have to do is find what's in common, only connect, literally.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29I think the F stands for his middle name.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34Yes, that... How does that connect him?
0:24:34 > 0:24:37I'm just taking notes and then I will abduct once I've got them all.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39LAUGHTER
0:24:40 > 0:24:43I don't know about Schumann, but if I was on a team
0:24:43 > 0:24:47on Only Connect, I'd ask them, is it like the second thing they wrote?
0:24:47 > 0:24:50- Something like that. - Oh, that's very good.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Stephen, Stephen in my head, is Schumann a composer?
0:24:55 > 0:24:57- Yes.- Why, thank you.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59- Robert Schumann, yes. - Robert Schumann.
0:24:59 > 0:25:00So let's have the third one
0:25:00 > 0:25:03because I don't think you're getting it from two. John Prescott, Prezza.
0:25:05 > 0:25:06Goodness me.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Schumann's nickname is Theme And Variations.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Oh, was that one of the Sugababes' line-ups?
0:25:12 > 0:25:15So I think we'd better have a look at the fourth one.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Fewer points, but this might help.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Alcoholics Anonymous and The 12 Steps.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23- I so can get this. - The last one will give it to you.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26- So the last one is only for one point.- OK, hold on now.
0:25:27 > 0:25:31The Alcoholics Anonymous... The 12 Steps put together by two people
0:25:31 > 0:25:34that only have letters as surnames?
0:25:34 > 0:25:37You can see why I never got to the end of this show.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40No, you'll see the last one and I think...
0:25:40 > 0:25:42All right, struggle for the buzzer.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44- They all had ghost writers!- Yes!
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Yes! Yes! Come on! APPLAUSE
0:25:56 > 0:25:59- Well done. Well done, Jack. - CHEERING
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Yes. Argh!
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Oh, my God! Steady.
0:26:09 > 0:26:13- Steady. Whoa.- Sorry, sorry.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17You've made a happy man feel very old.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21So...
0:26:21 > 0:26:25I'm going to have to go for a really awkward dinner with my dad now.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28LAUGHTER "I watched you on QI..."
0:26:28 > 0:26:29Well, you're just too brilliant.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32And, of course, we waited until the most intellectual one,
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Katie Price's Crystal and you got it, Jack, so marvellous.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36- It is a great read. - A point to Jack.
0:26:36 > 0:26:40- And your audio book of it was fantastic.- Well, thank you very much.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42- But how does The 12 Steps...? - "Me and Dane went on holiday..."
0:26:42 > 0:26:44How does that have a ghost writer?
0:26:44 > 0:26:46That's what's so interesting, in a way,
0:26:46 > 0:26:49is that the Schumann and the Alcoholics Anonymous are ghost-written
0:26:49 > 0:26:50in very special and different way,
0:26:50 > 0:26:52at least according to their authors.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Bill Wilson was one of the founders of AA.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56- And Bob W?- That's right.
0:26:56 > 0:27:00But Bill Wilson claimed that he was spoken to by a spirit, a ghost,
0:27:00 > 0:27:03who told him what the 12 steps were.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Oh, well, you could say the same about all of Yeats' poetry.
0:27:05 > 0:27:06Well, indeed, you could.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09And Schumann claimed that the spirits
0:27:09 > 0:27:11of Schubert and Mendelssohn gave him the idea
0:27:11 > 0:27:13for his Theme And Variations In E Flat.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16So this piece is actually also known as the Ghost Variations.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19But John Prescott's autobiography was written by Hunter Davies,
0:27:19 > 0:27:23Prezza, who also gave us the Gazza and Wayne Rooney book.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Katie Price's second novel, Crystal,
0:27:26 > 0:27:29out-sold all seven Booker Prize nominees that year.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31She wasn't nominated for the Booker Prize?
0:27:31 > 0:27:33It wasn't actually nominated itself, though.
0:27:33 > 0:27:34- Scandalous!- I know.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37She talks through the stories with her ghost writer,
0:27:37 > 0:27:38who then writes them out,
0:27:38 > 0:27:40or as one of Price's managers put it,
0:27:40 > 0:27:43"Katie says what she wants the story to be like,
0:27:43 > 0:27:45"and they just put it into book words."
0:27:45 > 0:27:48LAUGHTER Really?
0:27:48 > 0:27:50She's been stuck in that pose for so long
0:27:50 > 0:27:52that a group of spiders have colonised her head.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56That's true. Which else...?
0:27:56 > 0:28:00Oh, yes, Ted Sorensen was JFK's speech writer, who came up
0:28:00 > 0:28:04with perhaps his most famous phrase that he used in his inauguration.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07"Ask not what you can do for your..." No...
0:28:07 > 0:28:10"Ask not what your country can do for you..."
0:28:10 > 0:28:12Have a kebab.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15"..but what you can do for your country."
0:28:15 > 0:28:17Known as a chiasmus, exactly, and a fine example of one.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19And that was written by Sorensen.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22And Ronald Reagan said of his autobiography, do you know what he said?
0:28:22 > 0:28:24He looked forward to reading it.
0:28:24 > 0:28:28Yes. "I hear it's a terrific book. I look forward to reading it."
0:28:28 > 0:28:30Absolutely right. Very good.
0:28:30 > 0:28:34- Anyway, that's all from Only Connect. - ONLY CONNECT THEME PLAYS
0:28:34 > 0:28:36APPLAUSE
0:28:36 > 0:28:37Thank you.
0:28:39 > 0:28:42Right, now, this here what you're about to see
0:28:42 > 0:28:45is the longest word in literature. What do you think it means?
0:28:45 > 0:28:48Is it the Greek for "that place in North Wales?"
0:28:48 > 0:28:50LAUGHTER
0:28:53 > 0:28:55It's the Greek for "that peculiar feeling
0:28:55 > 0:29:01"when you're trapped in a labyrinth with a man with a bull's head."
0:29:02 > 0:29:04That Minotaur-y feeling.
0:29:04 > 0:29:07"Minatory" is an English word, which means threatening,
0:29:07 > 0:29:10so it would be rather appropriate. No, this... Who's the best-known...
0:29:10 > 0:29:13comic Greek playwright?
0:29:13 > 0:29:14- Aristophanes.- Aristophanes.
0:29:14 > 0:29:18Aristophanes, first in was Alan. And this is basically lunch.
0:29:18 > 0:29:21Lunch in ancient Greek. It actually means, "a dish of sliced fish,
0:29:21 > 0:29:24"shark and remnants of dogfish head, forming a pungent sharp tasting
0:29:24 > 0:29:26"mixture, laserwort, crab with drizzled honey,
0:29:26 > 0:29:29"and thrush and a blackbird on top, a wood pigeon, a normal pigeon,
0:29:29 > 0:29:32"a little baked chicken head, another pigeon, a hare,
0:29:32 > 0:29:34"with boiled down wine, and crunchy wings for dipping."
0:29:34 > 0:29:36I'll just have the soup.
0:29:39 > 0:29:43- What, no feta?- No. And not a bottle of Retsina, either.
0:29:43 > 0:29:46- Oh, I love feta, me.- That's why they went bankrupt in Greece
0:29:46 > 0:29:49because it took them so long to write out the menus,
0:29:49 > 0:29:50they did no business.
0:29:50 > 0:29:53Talking of lunch, what do we know about the word "lunch",
0:29:53 > 0:29:56- a good L word, lunch. - Now, you see, interestingly...
0:29:56 > 0:29:58- Luncheon.- Luncheon, yes, that's how it started.
0:29:58 > 0:30:04As a matter of fact, it isn't. It was lunch first.
0:30:04 > 0:30:05And people extended it to luncheon
0:30:05 > 0:30:08because they thought it sounded smarter.
0:30:08 > 0:30:12- Not quite right.- It is! I've made a whole programme about this.
0:30:12 > 0:30:14LAUGHTER
0:30:14 > 0:30:18- It derives from an Anglo-Saxon word. - It does...- From nuncheon.
0:30:18 > 0:30:23This is like watching two great stags, locking heads, together.
0:30:23 > 0:30:25But it doesn't. Where do you think the phrase
0:30:25 > 0:30:27"ploughman's lunch" comes from?
0:30:27 > 0:30:29From ploughmen having their lunch?
0:30:29 > 0:30:32- No, it was invented by the Milk Marketing Board.- That's true.
0:30:32 > 0:30:35Investigating the history of that, we discovered that
0:30:35 > 0:30:38it is very disputed whether lunch comes from nuncheon.
0:30:38 > 0:30:41Well, until about the 18th century, the word nuncheon was used.
0:30:41 > 0:30:46You have a light nuncheon. And nuncheon has a very clear derivation.
0:30:46 > 0:30:49It comes from "noon", as in mid-day, and "schench", which means drink.
0:30:49 > 0:30:52It was literally a liquid lunch. Nuncheon.
0:30:52 > 0:30:55And it was changed, no-one's quite sure why it changed to luncheon,
0:30:55 > 0:30:56but it did change to luncheon,
0:30:56 > 0:30:58and then the luncheon got dropped to lunch.
0:30:58 > 0:31:0030-15, Fry!
0:31:00 > 0:31:03LAUGHTER
0:31:03 > 0:31:06APPLAUSE
0:31:06 > 0:31:10Well, it's very convincing. I wish you had been on the programme.
0:31:10 > 0:31:12The theory put forward was that they had been rolled
0:31:12 > 0:31:15together in people's minds and lunch came from somewhere else
0:31:15 > 0:31:17and it was made longer to sound smarter.
0:31:17 > 0:31:19So then people thought it was
0:31:19 > 0:31:21the same as the word luncheon, but it's not.
0:31:21 > 0:31:24I do not know of people using the word lunch before the word luncheon.
0:31:24 > 0:31:26That's breakfast, isn't it?
0:31:26 > 0:31:29LAUGHTER
0:31:30 > 0:31:34- Anyway, what we have got here is a picnic.- Yeah.
0:31:34 > 0:31:38- Well, let's move to less disputed areas.- Or arm wrestle.
0:31:38 > 0:31:40LAUGHTER
0:31:40 > 0:31:43We'll do a Harry Hill moment.
0:31:43 > 0:31:44Well, there you go.
0:31:44 > 0:31:47And so to the epilogue that we call General Ignorance.
0:31:47 > 0:31:50Time for fingers on buzzers, please. What comes before a fall?
0:31:50 > 0:31:52AIR HORN "Arsenal! Arsenal!"
0:31:52 > 0:31:53Pride.
0:31:53 > 0:31:55- Oh! - KLAXON
0:32:02 > 0:32:04Victoria, did you do a programme about this?
0:32:04 > 0:32:08- Is this going to be something to do with Greek drama?- No, no, no.
0:32:08 > 0:32:11It's the Book of Proverbs in the King James Bible, and it says,
0:32:11 > 0:32:15"Pride goeth before destruction, an haughty spirit before a fall."
0:32:15 > 0:32:17And there you are.
0:32:17 > 0:32:19But things that are misquoted are rather fun.
0:32:19 > 0:32:23There's a 2009 survey that found that the most common misquote
0:32:23 > 0:32:28is mispronouncing the phrase "damp squib" as "damp squid".
0:32:28 > 0:32:31Yeah, it was a bit of a damp squid.
0:32:31 > 0:32:33What kind of idiot would say that?!
0:32:33 > 0:32:35I've definitely said that. LAUGHTER
0:32:35 > 0:32:39It would mean something completely different because you want a squid to be damp.
0:32:39 > 0:32:42- Yeah, horrible to have a dry squid. - Damp squid is the best sort of squid.
0:32:42 > 0:32:44- Oh, deep-fried squid is lush, though, isn't it?- Calamari.
0:32:44 > 0:32:48But you can say that as a compliment then. If you get served that
0:32:48 > 0:32:51ridiculous Greek dish and it's a tasty version of it,
0:32:51 > 0:32:52"What a damp squid!"
0:32:52 > 0:32:54Yeah, exactly.
0:32:54 > 0:32:57Other things include "On tender hooks" instead of "tenterhooks".
0:32:57 > 0:33:00ALAN GUFFAWS
0:33:00 > 0:33:04"Nipping something in the butt", which is quite different.
0:33:04 > 0:33:06A "mute point" instead of a "moot point".
0:33:06 > 0:33:08Well, it's a Catch 24, isn't it, really?
0:33:08 > 0:33:10LAUGHTER
0:33:10 > 0:33:13They're called "eggcorns", as in from a mangling of acorns.
0:33:13 > 0:33:15# The Simpsons... #
0:33:18 > 0:33:20APPLAUSE
0:33:23 > 0:33:27There's "in lame man's terms" is used, apparently.
0:33:27 > 0:33:28"Cut to the cheese."
0:33:30 > 0:33:32- That's good.- It is, isn't it?
0:33:32 > 0:33:34"To all intensive purposes."
0:33:34 > 0:33:37"The feeble position" instead of "the foetal position", which is very odd.
0:33:37 > 0:33:40I've definitely had the feeble position before.
0:33:40 > 0:33:42"Soaping wet", which is a sort of mix
0:33:42 > 0:33:45between "sopping wet" and "soaking wet", I think.
0:33:45 > 0:33:48"Soaping wet". I was soaping wet!
0:33:48 > 0:33:51- That sounds filthy. - LAUGHTER
0:33:51 > 0:33:53"Giving up the goat."
0:33:53 > 0:33:57I think that's a Welsh one, I think.
0:33:57 > 0:33:59I'm so glad you put your hand up to that one,
0:33:59 > 0:34:01I wasn't really going to mention it.
0:34:01 > 0:34:03"Getting your nipples in a twist."
0:34:03 > 0:34:05These are kind of Fools And...
0:34:05 > 0:34:08- Or Kath And Kim, they're always saying things wrong.- Yeah, yeah.
0:34:08 > 0:34:12When she's hungry, she goes, "I'm absolutely ravishing."
0:34:14 > 0:34:17"Chickens coming home to roast" I rather liked.
0:34:17 > 0:34:19I hope they pluck themselves as they come
0:34:19 > 0:34:22and just land gently on your plate.
0:34:22 > 0:34:23Anyway, there we are.
0:34:23 > 0:34:26"The haughty spirit comes before a fall."
0:34:26 > 0:34:28How would you describe a siren's tail?
0:34:30 > 0:34:32It's like a fish, like a mermaid.
0:34:32 > 0:34:33- Oh, dear.- Isn't it?
0:34:33 > 0:34:36- KLAXON - Is no-one else going to play?!
0:34:39 > 0:34:40I'm afraid not.
0:34:40 > 0:34:43Although, you're right, they were on the rocks when they sang.
0:34:43 > 0:34:47The song was so alluring, ships were dashed on the rocks.
0:34:47 > 0:34:49It's unclear why they wanted that to happen.
0:34:49 > 0:34:51Yeah, I know. They were just wicked for some reason.
0:34:51 > 0:34:53I think they were annoyed by their lack of nipples.
0:34:53 > 0:34:56LAUGHTER
0:34:56 > 0:34:59- Yes, that's probably what it was. - Where are my nipples? I don't know.
0:34:59 > 0:35:01I've lost my nipples!
0:35:01 > 0:35:04So who managed to survive hearing the siren's song? Remember?
0:35:04 > 0:35:07- Odysseus.- Odysseus, also known as Ulysses. Yeah.
0:35:07 > 0:35:08As in The Odyssey. Yeah.
0:35:08 > 0:35:12- To hear the song, what did he do so he could hear it?- Taped it.
0:35:12 > 0:35:14LAUGHTER
0:35:14 > 0:35:17- No, he tapped himself. He had his men...- Downloaded it!
0:35:17 > 0:35:20On iTunes, along with the Harry Potter audio book.
0:35:20 > 0:35:23He had his men tape him to the foremast of his ship.
0:35:23 > 0:35:26And he made them plug their own ears with wax
0:35:26 > 0:35:28so they couldn't hear the siren's song.
0:35:28 > 0:35:30Because it's such an extraordinary draw.
0:35:30 > 0:35:33And had himself tied with his ears open.
0:35:33 > 0:35:35And said, "No matter how much I shout and scream at you
0:35:35 > 0:35:37"and you can see my face saying, 'Let me go...' "
0:35:37 > 0:35:40- They do that at Simply Red gigs. - Do they?
0:35:41 > 0:35:44- All the audience. - So they couldn't hear it.
0:35:44 > 0:35:46So they carried on rowing and he was dying,
0:35:46 > 0:35:48because he so wanted to go where
0:35:48 > 0:35:51this incredible sound was coming from, but he was the only
0:35:51 > 0:35:55one who ever heard the siren's song and survived, supposedly.
0:35:55 > 0:35:58A charming story, not very true, probably, but charming.
0:35:58 > 0:36:00Actually, they were half...?
0:36:00 > 0:36:01Fish.
0:36:01 > 0:36:04No, we said that, they were half bird.
0:36:04 > 0:36:06- Bird?- Yes. - JACK: Ooh, sexy.
0:36:06 > 0:36:09They were half...fish.
0:36:09 > 0:36:13- It gives a whole new meaning to "Are you a leg or a breast man?" - LAUGHTER
0:36:16 > 0:36:18Why do I think they were half fish, then?
0:36:18 > 0:36:20Most people do, that's why we asked the question.
0:36:20 > 0:36:22To trap, you know, the common view of them because they...
0:36:22 > 0:36:25- When did mermaids get muddled up with sirens?- Interesting point.
0:36:25 > 0:36:28I think it's because they were on the rocks by the coast,
0:36:28 > 0:36:31so one assumed that they had something to do with water, but they were on land.
0:36:31 > 0:36:33And they drew people into their rocks.
0:36:33 > 0:36:35Anyway, now we've reached the end
0:36:35 > 0:36:37and it's time to see the scores.
0:36:37 > 0:36:41Well, in first place, with a resoundingly clear plus nine points,
0:36:41 > 0:36:43it's Victoria Coren Mitchell.
0:36:43 > 0:36:46APPLAUSE
0:36:46 > 0:36:48Yes!
0:36:49 > 0:36:51In second place... In second place,
0:36:51 > 0:36:55with a very impressive minus two and a half, it's the audience.
0:36:55 > 0:36:58APPLAUSE
0:36:59 > 0:37:05In third place, terrific, terrific debut, minus ten,
0:37:05 > 0:37:06- Lloyd Langford!- Thank you.
0:37:06 > 0:37:09APPLAUSE
0:37:09 > 0:37:10Ah.
0:37:12 > 0:37:15He can hold his head up with pride, minus 16, Jack Whitehall.
0:37:15 > 0:37:17APPLAUSE
0:37:19 > 0:37:21And limping in the rear, I'm afraid,
0:37:21 > 0:37:23it's Alan Davies with minus 39!
0:37:23 > 0:37:25APPLAUSE
0:37:31 > 0:37:34So, that's all from Victoria, Jack, Lloyd, Alan and me.
0:37:34 > 0:37:38And I leave you with the last words of French grammarian,
0:37:38 > 0:37:40Dominique Bouhours.
0:37:40 > 0:37:44"I am about to - or I am going to - die.
0:37:44 > 0:37:47"Either expression is used." Thank you and goodnight.