0:00:28 > 0:00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:32 > 0:00:38Good evening, Buonasera, Bonsoir,
0:00:38 > 0:00:40good evening, good evening, good evening
0:00:40 > 0:00:43and welcome to QI, where tonight we are looking at lungs,
0:00:43 > 0:00:45livers and other bits beginning with L.
0:00:45 > 0:00:49Joining me are the luscious legs of Jo Brand.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:54 > 0:00:58The lustrous locks of Phill Jupitus.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:01 > 0:01:04The lovely larynx of Josh Widdicombe.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:08 > 0:01:11And the lily-livered Alan Davies.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:14 > 0:01:19So, let's examine your organs. Jo goes...
0:01:19 > 0:01:22FIRST FEW BARS OF TOCCATA AND FUGUE BY BACH
0:01:25 > 0:01:26Phill goes...
0:01:26 > 0:01:30NEXT FEW BARS OF TOCCATA AND FUGUE BY BACH
0:01:32 > 0:01:33Josh goes...
0:01:33 > 0:01:36NEXT FEW BARS OF TOCCATA AND FUGUE BY BACH
0:01:39 > 0:01:40And Alan goes....
0:01:40 > 0:01:42LA CUCARACHA PLAYS ON ELECTRIC ORGAN
0:01:50 > 0:01:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:55 > 0:01:58Anyway, in this L series, we have a special bonus,
0:01:58 > 0:02:03which is if there's a lavatorial question, it's a Spend A Penny.
0:02:03 > 0:02:07- There you go. - JAUNTY JINGLE, FLUSHING
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Because L is for lavatory,
0:02:10 > 0:02:13there may be a question which involves something lavatorial.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16If you think you've spotted the question, wave your penny.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18So, let's have a look at question one.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21What was the problem with the first-ever contact lenses?
0:02:23 > 0:02:25- ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS - Jo Brand?
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Were they made of hydrochloric acid?
0:02:27 > 0:02:31- LAUGHTER - That would have been a serious problem.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34I presume they were massive and heavy and awkward and difficult?
0:02:34 > 0:02:36They were very awkward, massive and difficult.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39I'll give you 20 years either way to say what year they first appeared.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42- ALAN AND JOSH: 1920. - Oh, that's weird.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Whoa!
0:02:44 > 0:02:45- Scary.- That was odd!
0:02:45 > 0:02:48No, it's not that. 1880, actually.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51It was in Germany, where they grind lenses extremely well.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53And there was one pioneer called August Muller,
0:02:53 > 0:02:56who could only wear them for half an hour,
0:02:56 > 0:02:59and then only after he had used cocaine on his eyes to numb them
0:02:59 > 0:03:01cos they were very, very painful.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03- Best excuse ever!- Yeah.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06"Oh, my eyes, they're so..."
0:03:06 > 0:03:07- "Mein augen!" Yeah.- "Ooooh...."
0:03:07 > 0:03:10LAUGHTER
0:03:10 > 0:03:14"Oh, my eyesight is so irritable and keen!"
0:03:14 > 0:03:18"My eyes are talking nonsense!"
0:03:18 > 0:03:20They used to saw off the bottom of test tubes
0:03:20 > 0:03:23and then grind them smooth and put them in.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25They were used not for vision correction.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Originally, they were concealing eye damage and things like that,
0:03:28 > 0:03:30to protect sensitive eyes. And then...
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Was the eye damage caused by the contact lenses?
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Well, you'd think! But then they got more sophisticated with it.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37By the 1920s and '30s in America they were quite popular,
0:03:37 > 0:03:39but only with incredibly rich people.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41- That's quite a big one, there. - That is big.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44LAUGHTER
0:03:44 > 0:03:47In the '20s and '30s they cost more than a car, one set.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50So, it was only very rich daddies who would let...
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Because their daughters didn't want to wear glasses.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55And if you watch Hollywood movies of the '30s and '40s,
0:03:55 > 0:03:58you will see that no actress wears glasses,
0:03:58 > 0:04:01except an actress who is playing a part that is basically
0:04:01 > 0:04:04a librarian, a dowd, a frump...
0:04:04 > 0:04:06I'm not looking at you when I'm saying that!
0:04:06 > 0:04:08LAUGHTER
0:04:08 > 0:04:11APPLAUSE
0:04:11 > 0:04:15- IN AMERICAN ACCENT:- "Why, Miss Quimby, you're beautiful!"
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Anyway, we have borrowed some objects
0:04:17 > 0:04:23from the world-famous British Optical Association Museum.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25And you each have, and I'm going to start with Phill,
0:04:25 > 0:04:27you have an optical object
0:04:27 > 0:04:31and I'd like you to tell me what you think it might be.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Oh. Right.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37- Well, it's got a lovely leather surround.- Yes.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41- Right, so why would you want to see things this red?- Yeah.
0:04:41 > 0:04:46Was it for nascent superhero Communist Man?
0:04:46 > 0:04:47LAUGHTER
0:04:47 > 0:04:51Are they literally rose-tinted glasses? Are you feeling...?
0:04:51 > 0:04:54"Ah, the '80s! The Style Council!"
0:04:54 > 0:04:56LAUGHTER
0:04:56 > 0:04:58"The Guardian with a decent header font. Oh!"
0:04:58 > 0:05:00LAUGHTER
0:05:00 > 0:05:04"Araucaria, his crosswords were easy, then. Oh!"
0:05:04 > 0:05:07- As you can see, they look like flying goggles.- Yeah, yeah.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09And that's what they are, but they're not for flying.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12- Then they're not flying goggles. - JO: Driving.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15- They are for...- Don't be picky, he doesn't like that.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17They are for pilots. They're for night pilots.
0:05:17 > 0:05:22- It's so they can acclimatise their eyes for darkness.- Oh.- Oh!
0:05:22 > 0:05:26I would say that rather they make everyone you bump into
0:05:26 > 0:05:29- look like a Dutch prostitute. - Yeah, there is an element of that.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Dance for me, Stephen! Dance for me.
0:05:34 > 0:05:35Oh!
0:05:35 > 0:05:38LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:38 > 0:05:39You made me!
0:05:40 > 0:05:41All right.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47You are a unique individual, if you don't mind me saying.
0:05:47 > 0:05:48Have a go.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Why can't I dance without people laughing?!
0:05:50 > 0:05:53- I don't understand! - You bring joy, you're like...
0:05:53 > 0:05:55I missed that lesson that everybody else went to at school
0:05:55 > 0:05:57where they were taught how to dance at a discotheque.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00LAUGHTER
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Anyway, Alan, what have you got that's optical?
0:06:03 > 0:06:05- It looks like an ordinary pair of glasses.- Yeah, it is.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07And it has three...
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Put them on and describe what you see.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14LAUGHTER
0:06:14 > 0:06:17- You won't be surprised to hear that my vision is somewhat obscured.- Yes.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20LAUGHTER
0:06:20 > 0:06:22- But look at the audience. - They make three...
0:06:22 > 0:06:24And what do I...? What can you see? Can you see...?
0:06:24 > 0:06:27They're kind of like binoculars, where you can really see...
0:06:27 > 0:06:29- Can you see me doing anything?- No.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Are they not working, Alan?
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Dance. Dance!
0:06:37 > 0:06:38Whoa!
0:06:38 > 0:06:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Are they meant to be for peripheral vision?
0:06:43 > 0:06:46- They were designed for drivers who had...- Jesus!
0:06:46 > 0:06:49LAUGHTER
0:06:49 > 0:06:54..who had bad eyesight and it was to improve their peripheral vision.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57There'd be no chance of driving in these!
0:06:57 > 0:07:00You'd just be like that all the time!
0:07:00 > 0:07:02LAUGHTER
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Well, that's unfortunate.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08Well... But thank you for trying them and next up is Josh.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11- What have you got?- They're very fashionable, aren't they?
0:07:11 > 0:07:15If I were to tell you that these are, despite their modern look,
0:07:15 > 0:07:17they're actually WAY over 100 years old.
0:07:17 > 0:07:18They're mid-19th century.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21From the open carriage days of railways onwards,
0:07:21 > 0:07:27because of steam, smuts, so on, people got really stung in the eyes.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30- And these were railway spectacles. - I'm sorry, who's speaking now?
0:07:30 > 0:07:32LAUGHTER
0:07:32 > 0:07:34That makes no sense!
0:07:36 > 0:07:38And yet it's funny.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41I think I could tell what they do better, Josh, if you'd dance for me.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44LAUGHTER
0:07:44 > 0:07:47APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:07:47 > 0:07:50- Never got that reaction before! - Yeah.
0:07:50 > 0:07:51Jo, it's your turn.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56Oh, you've got a bonnet.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Lovely bonnet.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Oh, and something hanging from it, there you are.
0:08:01 > 0:08:02LAUGHTER
0:08:02 > 0:08:04How cool is THAT?
0:08:04 > 0:08:06That's great, isn't it?
0:08:06 > 0:08:08You are Mrs Norris in Mansfield Park.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10It's a Jane Austen moment.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13"Holmes, I never realised it was you!"
0:08:15 > 0:08:19If there had been a character from Mansfield Park in Colditz, she...
0:08:21 > 0:08:22"So...
0:08:22 > 0:08:26"So, you vish to escape from mein prison camp.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29"Not before we have done a little embroidery, no?"
0:08:29 > 0:08:31LAUGHTER
0:08:33 > 0:08:37I think it's more sort of Dickensian, isn't it?
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Like Mrs Gamp, the elderly prostitute.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45"I say, sir, let me see your penis."
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Now, this is what these goggles were for!
0:08:48 > 0:08:52She's got the idea, that one! These are definitely Dutch.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55- I'm going to have to...- "Even with my monocle, it's awfully small."
0:08:55 > 0:08:56Oh!
0:08:58 > 0:09:01You know how to make a man feel very, very unhappy.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03SHE MOUTHS
0:09:03 > 0:09:04So, good, excellent.
0:09:04 > 0:09:08Name something this lizard is doing as well as running.
0:09:12 > 0:09:13ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS
0:09:13 > 0:09:14Yes, Josh?
0:09:14 > 0:09:18Is he worrying what's wrong with his legs?
0:09:18 > 0:09:19He might be.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22I don't think lizards ever worry. He looks quite cheerful.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25- What might he be doing, what do all animals do, virtually?- Hunting?
0:09:25 > 0:09:27- Hunting, yeah.- Sniffing.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30- Sniffing, what does that involve? - Breathing.- Well, uses its tongue.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32- What do you mean, what does it involve?- Breathing?
0:09:32 > 0:09:34- Breathing, Josh said. - KLAXON SOUNDS
0:09:34 > 0:09:38Oh! Sorry. I was cruel, I pushed you on that. He's not breathing.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40That's the strange thing about lizards,
0:09:40 > 0:09:42they have to twist their bodies so much
0:09:42 > 0:09:44that it compresses their lungs and they can't breathe.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48So, they do a bit of a run and then they stop, as we'll see.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50He's running, running, running, not breathing at all,
0:09:50 > 0:09:53and then he thinks, "Oh, blimey, I need some oxygen!"
0:09:53 > 0:09:56- He'll stop. - STEPHEN PANTS
0:09:56 > 0:09:59It's only when he's straight, only when he's heteros...
0:09:59 > 0:10:02No, only when he's straight...
0:10:02 > 0:10:03that he can...
0:10:03 > 0:10:05That's just silly, makes no sense.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08- ..that he can breathe.- You were like the Oxbridge Johnny Morris, then.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12"He's running along, baaa, oh, no."
0:10:12 > 0:10:16But we have an example. The fastest humans on Earth run which race?
0:10:16 > 0:10:19- 100 metres.- The 100 metres, and it's said that some 100-metres sprinters
0:10:19 > 0:10:22don't breathe throughout the race.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25I mean, they obviously take gulps in, oxygenate themselves,
0:10:25 > 0:10:28get all ready, like that, and then they're running and...
0:10:28 > 0:10:32And you see them in slow motion, going...
0:10:32 > 0:10:33And then lower down,
0:10:33 > 0:10:35"Phedabida, phedabida, phedabida." And, um...
0:10:35 > 0:10:37LAUGHTER
0:10:37 > 0:10:40- Is that the noise it makes? - That's the noise it makes.- Wow.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44When it reaches 20mph, that's the noise it starts to make.
0:10:44 > 0:10:45Wow!
0:10:47 > 0:10:49"Phedabida!"
0:10:49 > 0:10:51- # Doo doo, do-do-do. # - LAUGHTER
0:10:53 > 0:10:56- I've got a thing. Has anyone else got...- Have you, darling?
0:10:56 > 0:10:59- LAUGHTER - And it goes "phedabida".
0:10:59 > 0:11:00LAUGHTER
0:11:00 > 0:11:03- I can't walk and drink at the same time.- Ah.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05I really struggle with it.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09- Is that normal?- No, I think it is. Who wants to throw in their...
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Well, I think you'd have to go slowly,
0:11:11 > 0:11:13because the motion creates a wave
0:11:13 > 0:11:17- that will slop over the side of the glass. It's just...- Exactly.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19..physics.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21LAUGHTER
0:11:21 > 0:11:25Yeah, the ability to do two things at once.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27We can ask the audience and we can ask you,
0:11:27 > 0:11:30it's easier for the audience cos of the way they're sitting down.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33All you have to do is revolve your right foot clockwise.
0:11:33 > 0:11:38That's easy, isn't it? And then, with your right hand, make a six.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Is your foot suddenly going...?
0:11:41 > 0:11:45- Oh, wow! That's weird!- Oh, I don't like that.- Isn't that extraordinary!
0:11:45 > 0:11:47- What was it? What foot? Right foot. - That's weird.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50- Right foot clockwise.- Yeah. - And then do a six.
0:11:50 > 0:11:54- You have to really think about it. - You really do, don't you?- Oh! Oh!
0:11:55 > 0:11:57That was instant!
0:11:57 > 0:11:59You really have to think about it
0:11:59 > 0:12:02to the point where you nearly break your foot off.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05You forget what's clockwise.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07And you start going up and down and not...
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Argh, argh, no!
0:12:09 > 0:12:11- I'm absolutely fighting it! - You're in agony.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14But I couldn't do the six, I couldn't finish the six. I just did a C.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Yes. Exactly. It's a bitch, isn't it? It's really fascinating.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Oh, I'm going to remember that one.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22People say, "What do you remember from QI?" And I remember nothing!
0:12:22 > 0:12:25- Even if you watch your foot.- Yeah.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29I mean, this isn't great television, what I'm doing at this moment.
0:12:29 > 0:12:33You can raise your foot, put your foot on the desk if you want.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Right, so...
0:12:35 > 0:12:38- Glad I wore my natty socks today. - Yeah, they've very natty.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Argh!
0:12:43 > 0:12:45It is fascinating, isn't it?
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Lizards can't breathe and walk at the same time
0:12:47 > 0:12:49and our audience are even worse.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53Lizards have four legs, but what's got eight legs,
0:12:53 > 0:12:56sits in the middle of a spider's web,
0:12:56 > 0:12:58but is NOT a spider?
0:12:58 > 0:13:00ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS
0:13:00 > 0:13:02- Jo Brand?- One and a half flies.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04LAUGHTER
0:13:04 > 0:13:08- And the half a fly has lost a leg. - Wouldn't that be nine legs?
0:13:08 > 0:13:13No, and the half has lost a leg, that's been eaten.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17- In theory, that is right. - If... Yes, why...
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Don't you hate it when you try and help a spider
0:13:20 > 0:13:24and it resists you, and then one of its legs comes off.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26- Don't you hate that? - That is so annoying!
0:13:26 > 0:13:30Just get on the paper! And daddy-longlegs, they're even worse.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32- Yeah, they are.- You'd think the spider could do the six
0:13:32 > 0:13:34and the clockwise with its two legs.
0:13:34 > 0:13:35It probably can, EASILY.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Yeah, it's laughing up its sleeve at us.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41If they have sleeves, eight sleeves, it's laughing up its eight sleeves.
0:13:41 > 0:13:42This does seem very bizarre.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45It sits in the middle of a web, has eight legs,
0:13:45 > 0:13:48looks exactly like a spider, but it isn't a spider.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Is it an unlucky octopus?
0:13:51 > 0:13:54- A beached octopus. - A beached octopus!
0:13:54 > 0:13:57- Well, given...- Is it some sort of predator that wants to eat spiders?
0:13:57 > 0:13:59- Is it one of those? - Actually, it's the reverse.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01It's a spider that wants to DETER predators,
0:14:01 > 0:14:04so it creates a fake spider.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06- Shut up!- There.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08That's made of its dead skin,
0:14:08 > 0:14:11it's made of leaf mould. It's made of all kinds of bits and pieces.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13There you can see the sort of body,
0:14:13 > 0:14:14you only see four of the legs there,
0:14:14 > 0:14:17it's already making a woman in the audience wet herself.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19LAUGHTER
0:14:19 > 0:14:22- Did someone just make that? - A spider did.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25- Oh, is that real?- Spiders make them. That's the point, they make them.
0:14:25 > 0:14:29- Is that to scale?- Well, it's...
0:14:29 > 0:14:33Almost, in the sense that it's five times bigger than the actual spider.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36So, the spider is quite small and it makes this enormous spider,
0:14:36 > 0:14:38and sometimes, it lives in a pouch in the abdomen,
0:14:38 > 0:14:41and no-one's quite sure why. They think it may be to deter predators,
0:14:41 > 0:14:44because it looks too big, or it may be to suggest
0:14:44 > 0:14:46to other spiders that you can't steal this web,
0:14:46 > 0:14:50- because it's occupied.- It's like a scarecrow, really, isn't it?
0:14:50 > 0:14:54Basically, yeah. Or turning your lights on in your house to put burglars off.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56- It may just be a hobby.- Yes.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58LAUGHTER
0:14:58 > 0:15:04When your life is sitting in the corner of a shed eating flies...
0:15:04 > 0:15:06- You need a hobby.- You've got to have something, haven't you?
0:15:06 > 0:15:08It is in the middle of the Peruvian jungle,
0:15:08 > 0:15:10where there are not so many sheds.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13- They don't even eat them, do they? They drink them.- They what?
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Because they wrap them up in their silky web
0:15:16 > 0:15:19and then the prey dissolves into a fluid
0:15:19 > 0:15:23and then they suck it when it's a liquid thing.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25- "Hmm, that's good eatin'." - Yeah, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28The amazing thing is, and this is really extraordinary,
0:15:28 > 0:15:30is that another species of spider altogether,
0:15:30 > 0:15:33as far away as you can virtually get on the planet,
0:15:33 > 0:15:3711,000 or so miles away, across from Peru in the Philippines,
0:15:37 > 0:15:41does almost exactly the same thing and nobody knows
0:15:41 > 0:15:43if that's convergent evolution or whether it's...
0:15:43 > 0:15:47It'd be a weird raft that managed to get all the way across that amount of water.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50- It's just God, Stephen, it's just God.- Just God.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53LAUGHTER
0:15:53 > 0:15:55I overlooked that possibility.
0:15:55 > 0:15:59- Mysterious ways, mysterious ways. - Very mysterious ways.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03So, that's the Peruvian spider that makes huge models of itself.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Are those spiders to scale?
0:16:05 > 0:16:07LAUGHTER
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Because, I'm telling you now,
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Japan are going to be all over that.
0:16:12 > 0:16:17- IN JAPANESE ACCENT: - "Oh, no! Giant spider, no!"
0:16:20 > 0:16:24I quite like this map behind Alan, because it looks like...
0:16:24 > 0:16:27"And now the spider forecast with Alan Davies.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30"South America, large, red."
0:16:30 > 0:16:33It's like when you're on a plane and they have the map
0:16:33 > 0:16:35with the little plane, if you turned it on and it was that,
0:16:35 > 0:16:37you'd shit yourself.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40It always has such random cities on it as well, doesn't it?
0:16:40 > 0:16:43- It doesn't have like Paris, Rome, Venice.- Yeah, King's Lynn!
0:16:43 > 0:16:46- LAUGHTER - Yeah, exactly, it's very strange.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48I never quite understood that. Very peculiar.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Anyway! Peruvian spiders make huge models of themselves
0:16:51 > 0:16:53and put them in the middle of their webs.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Speaking of things with lots of legs,
0:16:56 > 0:16:58why can I never seem to catch the perfect centipede?
0:16:58 > 0:17:01ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS
0:17:01 > 0:17:03- Yes, Jo?- Is it cos you're too pissed all the time?
0:17:03 > 0:17:05LAUGHTER
0:17:05 > 0:17:09- Why, thank you for that(!) - Just a guess.
0:17:09 > 0:17:10A lucky guess!
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Cos they don't have 100 legs.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16- They don't have 100 legs.- No.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18- Well remembered!- They don't. We had it on this show.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21- We did. - LAUGHTER
0:17:21 > 0:17:22But it was a long time ago.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:26 > 0:17:29You're absolutely right, but that's not the reason one won't catch a perfect one
0:17:29 > 0:17:33cos you could have a perfect one that had...98 legs
0:17:33 > 0:17:35because what would 98 legs mean?
0:17:35 > 0:17:37That it had how many pairs of legs?
0:17:37 > 0:17:39- 49.- 49.
0:17:39 > 0:17:4149.
0:17:41 > 0:17:42But why can't it have 100?
0:17:42 > 0:17:44That'd be 50 pairs...
0:17:44 > 0:17:47- No reason.- There is a reason.- Does it have to have an odd number of pairs?
0:17:47 > 0:17:48Yes, an odd number of pairs.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51For some reason, all centipedes have an odd number of pairs of legs
0:17:51 > 0:17:54but that's not the reason I can never catch a perfect one,
0:17:54 > 0:17:56cos a perfect centipede would have, say, 102 legs.
0:17:56 > 0:17:57The legs are amazing.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59- Astounding. - They go in a kind of wave.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Yes, they do. It's not...
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Not at the moment cos it's climbing, but when it starts walking,
0:18:04 > 0:18:06they go in a wave. Ooh!
0:18:06 > 0:18:08- LAUGHTER - Yeah.- That's only got about...
0:18:08 > 0:18:12- If only they were massive, I wish they were massive and they went down the- high street. Oh, don't!
0:18:12 > 0:18:16No, but nice and benign and friendly - "Hello, morning!"
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Like if all vicars were centipedes or something.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29- It's just a fact of life, everyone just accept it.- Yeah.
0:18:29 > 0:18:30Anyway, moving on...
0:18:30 > 0:18:34If I caught a 102-footed centipede, that would be a perfect centipede,
0:18:34 > 0:18:37but I'm talking about why I can't catch a perfect one.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39They're elusive.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42They are elusive, but that would be not being able to catch one.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Is it cos nobody's perfect?
0:18:45 > 0:18:46LAUGHTER
0:18:46 > 0:18:50That's a lovely point. No, it's really because if you chase them
0:18:50 > 0:18:52- and you start to try and catch them...- Their legs fall off.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55- They jettison legs. - They throw them at you.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58- Well, they kind of do. - LAUGHTER
0:18:58 > 0:19:01That's basically what they do!
0:19:01 > 0:19:02Exactly!
0:19:02 > 0:19:04LAUGHTER
0:19:06 > 0:19:09They do! You've got it. That's what they do.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11APPLAUSE
0:19:11 > 0:19:13In order to distract a predator, they jettison their legs.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16So, it stops, the predator will go,
0:19:16 > 0:19:19"Ooh, I'll have an eat of that leg," and meanwhile, they're haring off.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23- God's weird, isn't he? - He really is. A strange fellow.
0:19:23 > 0:19:24Very strange fellow.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27So, there you go. It's called autotomy.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29And speaking of abandoned body parts,
0:19:29 > 0:19:31which body part beginning with L
0:19:31 > 0:19:35did Queen Victoria leave with the Empress of France?
0:19:35 > 0:19:37There's Queen Victoria, and there's the...
0:19:37 > 0:19:40- I was going to say labia and that would be just awful.- I know.
0:19:40 > 0:19:41What were you going to say?
0:19:41 > 0:19:43- KLAXON SOUNDS - Oh!
0:19:43 > 0:19:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:48 > 0:19:49Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52- We're off!- Is it her little finger?
0:19:52 > 0:19:56- Liver, larynx.- Is it a lock of hair? - Lock of hair is the right answer!
0:19:56 > 0:19:59- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Brilliant!
0:19:59 > 0:20:02But she virtually invented this sort of
0:20:02 > 0:20:05Victorian sentimental obsession with locks of hair.
0:20:05 > 0:20:09When her husband died, she kept lots of Albert's hair, but she gave...
0:20:09 > 0:20:11- They've taken the photo away, but really...- I know.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15..she looks so pissed off that her crown doesn't fit her.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18- It just looks like a complete... - Shall we go back?- Yes, can we?
0:20:18 > 0:20:19..comedy crown!
0:20:19 > 0:20:22"No, honestly, it's absolutely meant to be this size."
0:20:22 > 0:20:27"It doesn't fit me!" "Yes, yes, honestly, it's exactly as intended."
0:20:27 > 0:20:29"It's for a child!" "No, no, no..."
0:20:32 > 0:20:35- The Empress is going, "My bonnet's perfect."- It is.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38It's rather like Jo's bonnet. It was, your monocle bonnet.
0:20:38 > 0:20:42Yeah, exactly. Aw, you could be the Empress of France.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Double vision. Yes. Do you think I could be the Empress of France?
0:20:45 > 0:20:47- Easily.- "Let them eat cake!"
0:20:47 > 0:20:50So, let's cut to what she gave.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53It was a bracelet made of her own hair.
0:20:53 > 0:20:54It's an astonishing gift.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56But this was what Victorians were obsessed with.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00Knitting, braiding, plaiting, making things out of hair.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Artists powdered hair down. Do you remember those things, as a child,
0:21:03 > 0:21:07when you would put glue, like Pritt, the non-sticky sticky stuff on it,
0:21:07 > 0:21:10and then you would sprinkle glitter? Do you remember that?
0:21:10 > 0:21:14- Copydex.- Or Copydex you could use, which smelt slightly chlorinous
0:21:14 > 0:21:15- and was a wonderfully...- Semen.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18LAUGHTER
0:21:21 > 0:21:24- Not angry. - BOTH: Disappointed.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28LAUGHTER
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Dear me. Oh, well.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Yeah. That's what artists would do,
0:21:32 > 0:21:35they would put glue on and then they'd sprinkle the powdered hair.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37So, hair was a big kind of deal.
0:21:37 > 0:21:41Lord Byron was considered the most handsome and extraordinary figure.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44There you can see a little locket hanging...
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Although it's beautifully made as a braid
0:21:46 > 0:21:48and with gold, as you can see, and that could be made to fit
0:21:48 > 0:21:50into a waistcoat or something, for a man's...
0:21:50 > 0:21:52"Here you go, Lady Casterby,
0:21:52 > 0:21:54"this watch chain is made of my pubes.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57"Ha-ha! And now a poem!"
0:21:57 > 0:21:59LAUGHTER
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Well, Lord Byron didn't necessarily give his own hair away,
0:22:01 > 0:22:04it's that he was so handsome and so adored that...
0:22:04 > 0:22:08- LAUGHTER - That's a painting!
0:22:08 > 0:22:09But what was wrong with his hands?
0:22:09 > 0:22:12It was generally agreed by all who met and knew him,
0:22:12 > 0:22:14he was a hugely charming man.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17- According to his own diaries anyway. - "Lady Tappleton..."
0:22:17 > 0:22:19No, no, he had... Letters were written to him,
0:22:19 > 0:22:21women sent him locks of their own hair.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24So he used locks of his Newfoundland dog,
0:22:24 > 0:22:26which he sent back to the women, which they didn't notice,
0:22:26 > 0:22:28they thought it was Byron's hair.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30"Lady Suffolk,
0:22:30 > 0:22:33"I apologise for giving you mange with my latest gift.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36"But meanwhile, I shall come round to your house and I shall rotate
0:22:36 > 0:22:40"my right foot and draw a six in the air. Ha-ha! Poem?"
0:22:40 > 0:22:43There's a good reason why that might have been difficult for Lord Byron.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46- Oh, of course, yes, yes. - He had a dodgy foot.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Despite that, he managed to achieve a great athletic feat.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51- He swam.- He swam the...?- Hellespont.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53- Straits of somewhere. - The Hellespont!
0:22:53 > 0:22:55You know these things, you pretend to be an ignorant pig.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57- LAUGHTER - I only went...
0:22:57 > 0:23:00- I mean, sorry! You pretend... - An ignorant what?
0:23:00 > 0:23:02No, I meant to say you pretend to be pig-ignorant!
0:23:02 > 0:23:06- LAUGHTER - And it came out wrong!
0:23:06 > 0:23:08LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Know what I'm going to do with you? I'm going to make you run across a field
0:23:13 > 0:23:15and I'm going to pull all your legs and arms off...
0:23:17 > 0:23:21I don't want to lower the tone, but didn't Lady Caroline Lamb
0:23:21 > 0:23:25- pull out handfuls of her pubic hair and send them to Byron?- Yes.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28And she was responsible for the most famous description of him.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31- Yes. - "Mad, bad and dangerous to know."
0:23:31 > 0:23:33"Dangerous to have tea with."
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Fabulous woman. There was a movie about her, I think Sarah Miles...
0:23:35 > 0:23:37- Yeah. - JO:- Oh, that's right.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40Yeah. Yeah, Sarah Miles, she used to drink her own pee.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42- Yes, she was a urinobibe.- Yep.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44As was the Prime Minister of India, Morarji Desai,
0:23:44 > 0:23:46who became Prime Minister at the age of 80.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48And he drank his pee every day.
0:23:48 > 0:23:52Anyway, the Empress Eugenie, her name was,
0:23:52 > 0:23:55and she was the wife of Napoleon III.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58There's Eugenie. She had a fantastic real name -
0:23:58 > 0:24:03Dona Maria Eugenia Ignacia Augustina
0:24:03 > 0:24:08de Palafox-Portocarrero de Guzman y Kirkpatrick.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10- That was her name.- Kirkpatrick. - Yeah.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13- APPLAUSE - Thank you.- Crikey.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17But what was very pleasing is that she was known as "Carrots".
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Because that was her nickname at school in Bristol,
0:24:19 > 0:24:22where she lived, and she died in Britain as well.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24I had no idea that we had a hipster Napoleon.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26- Yeah, he was a hipster, yeah. - Check him out.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29- Yeah, he's pretty good.- "Er, can I have a flat white, please?"
0:24:29 > 0:24:32LAUGHTER
0:24:32 > 0:24:36"No, the jacket, I got it in this vintage place, it's great."
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Yes. Queen Victoria gave the Empress of France
0:24:40 > 0:24:42a bracelet made of her own hair.
0:24:42 > 0:24:43We move now to a less lovely L -
0:24:43 > 0:24:45why would you put a leech on a leash?
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Is it a medicinal leech?
0:24:49 > 0:24:51- It's a medicinal leech.- OK.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53So, basically, there are various places you could put it.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Where might you want a leech to go?
0:24:57 > 0:24:59No, no!
0:24:59 > 0:25:01They've been used for medicinal purposes for centuries.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04- They use them in the NHS today, don't they?- Yes, they absolutely do.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07- Do they?- Yeah. - You put them on a wound, don't you,
0:25:07 > 0:25:10- and they eat bits that are infected or...- No, that's the maggots.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13You put maggots on a wound, and they eat the dead flesh.
0:25:13 > 0:25:14Leeches actually...
0:25:14 > 0:25:16- Have I travelled back in time?- No.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19LAUGHTER
0:25:19 > 0:25:22Those migraine headaches are caused by a demon living in your...
0:25:22 > 0:25:25HE IS DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER
0:25:25 > 0:25:31If you have a member reattached - a finger or some other member -
0:25:31 > 0:25:33it's kept in ice and then it's sewn back on,
0:25:33 > 0:25:35and it has a very good prognosis,
0:25:35 > 0:25:37but you can attach leeches and what it does is
0:25:37 > 0:25:40it actually helps the capillaries join together and thrive.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44So, it's like a kind of biologically-active cauterising?
0:25:44 > 0:25:46Yes, yeah, it's really extraordinary.
0:25:46 > 0:25:50- Oh, I don't care, I don't want it. - Does it hurt?
0:25:50 > 0:25:52- It doesn't really hurt much, no. - How do you know?
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Well, I'm told it doesn't hurt.
0:25:55 > 0:25:59I don't know, you and your public school ways, and...
0:25:59 > 0:26:02- "Fry, time for a leeching!" - Yeah, it doesn't...
0:26:03 > 0:26:04"Scrotum."
0:26:06 > 0:26:07"Yes, sir?"
0:26:07 > 0:26:09"Get Fry."
0:26:09 > 0:26:12It doesn't hurt as much as double...
0:26:12 > 0:26:14"It's time for his leeching."
0:26:15 > 0:26:19"What do you want, Scrotum?" "It's time for your leeching, Fry."
0:26:19 > 0:26:22It doesn't hurt as much as Dr Staveley slamming your dick
0:26:22 > 0:26:23in the desk, I admit.
0:26:23 > 0:26:29It's... Look, I love to shock you, it's sweet.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Do you remember John Wayne Bobbitt?
0:26:31 > 0:26:33- Oh!- Oh, yeah.- John Wayne Bobbitt.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Yeah, he went to Winchester...
0:26:35 > 0:26:38No, no, of course I remember Bobbitt who severed his wife...
0:26:38 > 0:26:39His wife severed his...
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Yeah, she cut his penis off and then threw it out the window
0:26:42 > 0:26:45- of a moving car, so it took some finding.- They took him...
0:26:45 > 0:26:48They sewed it back on, then he made some money out of porn films, weirdly!
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Yeah, he must have been rather impressed that a penis
0:26:50 > 0:26:53that took some finding was found.
0:26:53 > 0:26:54He must have thought, "Yes!"
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Let's hope they found the right one, that would have been a disaster!
0:26:57 > 0:27:00- LAUGHTER - Stop it.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Yeah. I can imagine him at the line-up.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07"Can I see number three again?"
0:27:09 > 0:27:12You're too used to that programme, that's just sick.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16Yep, they were often popped up on a leash, up the bottom,
0:27:16 > 0:27:18to deal with intestinal problems.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20- Oh, up the inside? - Yep, or down the throat
0:27:20 > 0:27:23- to deal with bronchial problems. - Ooh.- Yeah, exactly.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25I know, or you could actually use them on the scrotum
0:27:25 > 0:27:28for strained testicles. Have you ever had strained testicles?
0:27:28 > 0:27:32- I'd rather have leeches on my balls. - JOSH:- What, as a pudding?
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Hang on!
0:27:34 > 0:27:37- One doctor wrote...- Yeah, strained testicles and custard.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44That's what prunes are.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46That's prunes.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49Yeah, and as I say, these days they're used to encourage
0:27:49 > 0:27:51capillary growth on severed members.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53Doctors USED to put leeches on leashes
0:27:53 > 0:27:55to send them up patients' bottoms.
0:27:55 > 0:27:59Now, what did Georgian gentlemen keep in the sideboard
0:27:59 > 0:28:00for after dinner?
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Small Georgian ladies.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05- After Eights.- After Eights!
0:28:05 > 0:28:08LAUGHTER
0:28:08 > 0:28:11- Porn. - After 1713, it would be.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13Porn. Well, actually, it was something
0:28:13 > 0:28:16that disgusted a French observer and he wrote about it in a letter.
0:28:16 > 0:28:20So, you've got a chance here for serious points.
0:28:20 > 0:28:21Ah, Alan, quickly!
0:28:21 > 0:28:24Shut up, he's done it before me! JAUNTY JINGLE, FLUSHING
0:28:24 > 0:28:25Oh, there we are, two of you, three of you.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28You all get the points except Jo, I'm afraid.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30The fact is, it was chamber pots.
0:28:30 > 0:28:33It was Rochefoucauld, not the famous Rochefoucauld,
0:28:33 > 0:28:36but another Rochefoucauld, Francois de la Rochefoucauld,
0:28:36 > 0:28:38who wrote in his diary "The sideboard..."
0:28:38 > 0:28:40This was in Suffolk, in 1784,
0:28:40 > 0:28:44"The sideboard is garnished also with chamber pots in line
0:28:44 > 0:28:47"with the common practice of going over to the sideboard to pee,
0:28:47 > 0:28:49"while the others are drinking.
0:28:49 > 0:28:52"Nothing is hidden. I find that very indecent."
0:28:52 > 0:28:54Chamber pots lasted well into the 20th century,
0:28:54 > 0:28:57because there were many households that weren't on mains supplies.
0:28:57 > 0:28:59- Many of them... - They didn't have a WC.
0:28:59 > 0:29:00Exactly, they had outdoor loos
0:29:00 > 0:29:03and they popped a chamber pot under the bed.
0:29:03 > 0:29:05And chamber pots were, I won't say exactly witty,
0:29:05 > 0:29:07but they had things written on them
0:29:07 > 0:29:10which were quite surprising, really, thinking of a previous age
0:29:10 > 0:29:15where you imagine people were rather more prudish. Look at these.
0:29:15 > 0:29:17"Use me well and keep me clean.
0:29:17 > 0:29:19"And I'll not tell what I have seen."
0:29:19 > 0:29:23So, you pooed onto an eye. Or you peed onto an eye.
0:29:23 > 0:29:26And there were some during the Second World War that had
0:29:26 > 0:29:28a picture of Hitler, so you could poo on Hitler's face.
0:29:28 > 0:29:30Which is pleasing in a way.
0:29:30 > 0:29:32That's your chamber pot.
0:29:32 > 0:29:34Now, it's time to dip the crouton of confidence
0:29:34 > 0:29:38into the all-melting fondue of General Ignorance.
0:29:38 > 0:29:42What kind of wine goes best with a human liver?
0:29:42 > 0:29:44Oh! A Chianti.
0:29:44 > 0:29:47- Whoa! - KLAXON SOUNDS
0:29:49 > 0:29:52That's what Hannibal Lecter says.
0:29:52 > 0:29:55- That's what he says in... - In Silence Of The Lambs.
0:29:55 > 0:29:58- "I'll have some fava beans and a fine Chianti."- What are fava beans to...?
0:29:58 > 0:30:00- Little white beans, aren't they? - To reclaim your...
0:30:00 > 0:30:03- What would we call them in England? - Butter beans? Broad beans?
0:30:03 > 0:30:07Broad beans, yeah, you get a few points back from the massive deficit
0:30:07 > 0:30:08that you've already...
0:30:08 > 0:30:12Um, yeah, it's in the novel. Who wrote the novels involved with...?
0:30:12 > 0:30:14- Thomas Harris. - Thomas Harris is right.
0:30:14 > 0:30:18He, being rather sort of smart and giving Hannibal Lecter good taste,
0:30:18 > 0:30:21knew that something fatty and greasy like a liver is not
0:30:21 > 0:30:24complemented well by a Chianti.
0:30:24 > 0:30:26He knew that it was best accompanied
0:30:26 > 0:30:28by something a little more full-bodied.
0:30:28 > 0:30:30Something like, for instance, an Amarone,
0:30:30 > 0:30:32which is what is in the novel.
0:30:32 > 0:30:35Which is a sort of Valpolicella-type wine,
0:30:35 > 0:30:38- and that is... - Why did they change it, Stephen?
0:30:38 > 0:30:41Because they felt most people hadn't heard of an Amarone
0:30:41 > 0:30:43and they might think it was some sort of biscuit or something.
0:30:43 > 0:30:46They're quite correct. It sounds like an amaretto.
0:30:46 > 0:30:49- It is like an amaretto, exactly. - What, Hollywood dumbing something down?
0:30:49 > 0:30:53- Yeah, I know, it's hard to believe, isn't it?- What the F?!
0:30:53 > 0:30:55"White wine with meat? Eurgh!"
0:30:56 > 0:30:59But why would it have been a rather disastrous decision to eat
0:30:59 > 0:31:01- a human liver anyway?- Toxic? - Yes, they are toxic.
0:31:01 > 0:31:06- Do you know what the toxin is? - No.- Is it vitamin something?- Yes.
0:31:06 > 0:31:08- Vitamin E? - Actually, A.- A.
0:31:08 > 0:31:10A lot of vitamins can't be stored.
0:31:10 > 0:31:12As you know, vitamin C, you pee out the residue,
0:31:12 > 0:31:16so the idea of taking these 5,000 milligrams a day is just...
0:31:16 > 0:31:18- That's why you have bright yellow wee.- Exactly.
0:31:18 > 0:31:20You're giving the rats the vitamin C.
0:31:20 > 0:31:22You're giving the rats the vitamins, precisely!
0:31:22 > 0:31:26They grow more and more immune and stronger daily!
0:31:26 > 0:31:29"Why, they'll be as powerful as the Prime Minister of India!"
0:31:32 > 0:31:34"I'm recycling!"
0:31:36 > 0:31:38But, yeah, the liver, it stores vitamin A,
0:31:38 > 0:31:40which in excess can be quite dangerous.
0:31:40 > 0:31:42Helps you see at night, though.
0:31:42 > 0:31:44Livers can regenerate themselves, did you know that?
0:31:44 > 0:31:48- Like Doctor Who. - Like Doctor Who, yeah.
0:31:48 > 0:31:50There's the liver drawn by...
0:31:50 > 0:31:52- Da Vinci.- Yeah, Leonardo,
0:31:52 > 0:31:55and you can see there his famous mirror writing, which is...
0:31:55 > 0:31:58I know the drawings are amazing enough, but as a boy,
0:31:58 > 0:32:01I tried using a mirror to write mirror writing, it's just...
0:32:01 > 0:32:04I mean, you think drawing a six with your hand and doing a...
0:32:04 > 0:32:06Why did he do that?
0:32:06 > 0:32:09No-one's quite sure why he wanted it to be secret, but he did.
0:32:09 > 0:32:12- For Dan Brown!- Yes!
0:32:12 > 0:32:17- LAUGHTER - For the one who was...- Whoooo!
0:32:18 > 0:32:20Whoooo!
0:32:20 > 0:32:26"There's secrets in the Vatican, Josh. Let's go and find them."
0:32:26 > 0:32:28I'm genuinely uncomfortable in this situation.
0:32:29 > 0:32:32If you use those goggles you can see the map.
0:32:32 > 0:32:34- PHILL GASPS - No?!
0:32:34 > 0:32:37The amazing thing, the magical thing about livers is
0:32:37 > 0:32:39if you take a small liver from a small dog,
0:32:39 > 0:32:42and you transplant it into a large dog, the small liver will grow to
0:32:42 > 0:32:45the size it would have been in the bigger dog, which is extraordinary.
0:32:45 > 0:32:47- (Shut up!)- Wow.
0:32:47 > 0:32:48Yes.
0:32:48 > 0:32:52You see, I often run out of things to do with the children at weekends.
0:32:52 > 0:32:56- Now you know. - We're going to try that. Yeah.
0:32:56 > 0:32:59Now, also you know a fantastic slang word
0:32:59 > 0:33:05and it's a liver-disturber, and it's American 19th-century slang for?
0:33:05 > 0:33:07- An alcoholic?- No.
0:33:07 > 0:33:09A huge dong.
0:33:09 > 0:33:11- A huge dong?- Yeah, a liver-disturber!
0:33:11 > 0:33:14ALL GROAN
0:33:14 > 0:33:18- Oh!- Oh! We think... Exactly!
0:33:18 > 0:33:21We think WE'RE sick?! These are Victorian Americans!
0:33:21 > 0:33:23"I got a tonsil-troubler!"
0:33:23 > 0:33:26LAUGHTER
0:33:28 > 0:33:30Who sat in the middle at the Last Supper?
0:33:30 > 0:33:32- SPANISH ACCENT: Jesus. - Jesus?
0:33:32 > 0:33:35Oh... KLAXON SOUNDS
0:33:35 > 0:33:38No matter how you pronounce it, it wasn't he.
0:33:39 > 0:33:41- JOSH:- Judas.
0:33:41 > 0:33:44Nor was it Judas, the traitor.
0:33:45 > 0:33:47- Peter.- No-one.
0:33:47 > 0:33:49Nor was it Peter. No-one is the right answer.
0:33:49 > 0:33:52- No-one's in the middle.- No, it's not that no-one was in the middle...
0:33:52 > 0:33:54it's that no-one sat.
0:33:54 > 0:33:57- Oh, shut up, they're all standing! - Yeah!
0:33:57 > 0:34:00- LAUGHTER - No, they're not standing.
0:34:00 > 0:34:03- FUNNY ACCENT:- Shut up! You shut up!
0:34:03 > 0:34:05LAUGHTER
0:34:05 > 0:34:07- I don't shut up, you shut up! - LAUGHTER
0:34:07 > 0:34:10You don't tell me to shut up!
0:34:10 > 0:34:12No, the...
0:34:12 > 0:34:13Stop, stop it now!
0:34:13 > 0:34:15Just stop it now!
0:34:15 > 0:34:18The thing is, in Palestine, which was a Roman province,
0:34:18 > 0:34:21they ate like Romans. They lay on their stomachs like Romans.
0:34:21 > 0:34:23That can't be good for digestion, can it?
0:34:23 > 0:34:24No, you'd think not,
0:34:24 > 0:34:28but we know that's the way they ate, more or less, because in the Bible,
0:34:28 > 0:34:30"Now there was one leaning on Jesus' bosom,
0:34:30 > 0:34:32"one of his disciples whom Jesus loved."
0:34:32 > 0:34:35And that, you know, you kind of see how that would have worked.
0:34:35 > 0:34:38That's how they lay to eat. Rather pleasing.
0:34:38 > 0:34:41- Very odd, though.- A bit odd, to us, cos we don't do that.
0:34:41 > 0:34:44Even in a picnic, you wouldn't want to be lying on your front.
0:34:44 > 0:34:46I agree. I don't like it.
0:34:46 > 0:34:48I can't even, you know, a hot chocolate in bed
0:34:48 > 0:34:50I have to sit up in order to swallow it.
0:34:50 > 0:34:51LAUGHTER
0:34:51 > 0:34:55There's nothing... There is nothing about that
0:34:55 > 0:34:57that is anything other than straightforward!
0:34:57 > 0:34:59We were just immediately thinking of the man who sang
0:34:59 > 0:35:01Brother Louie in the '70s, that's all we were thinking.
0:35:04 > 0:35:06- # I believe in... - # I believe in miracles
0:35:06 > 0:35:07# You sexy thing... #
0:35:07 > 0:35:09I'll have to sit up now!
0:35:09 > 0:35:11LAUGHTER
0:35:11 > 0:35:13Oh, lordy, lordy, bless.
0:35:13 > 0:35:17Now, nobody sat anywhere at the Last Supper, everyone was lying down.
0:35:17 > 0:35:20Well, now, who's in charge of all the ants?
0:35:21 > 0:35:22Adam.
0:35:22 > 0:35:25LAUGHTER
0:35:25 > 0:35:28- KLAXON SOUNDS - Very good, but...
0:35:30 > 0:35:31No!
0:35:31 > 0:35:35- Yeah. We were there before you, I'm afraid.- Is it a queen?
0:35:35 > 0:35:38A queen ant, of course, that's going to get a klaxon as well.
0:35:38 > 0:35:42- KLAXON SOUNDS - Oh.
0:35:42 > 0:35:45Is it something like the weather or the climate or something?
0:35:45 > 0:35:48The weather probably is as good an answer as any.
0:35:48 > 0:35:51The fact is, they are a self-organising colony.
0:35:51 > 0:35:53There is no leader. But there's the queen.
0:35:53 > 0:35:56All the queen does is lay thousands and thousands
0:35:56 > 0:35:59and thousands of eggs in her life and then dies of exhaustion.
0:35:59 > 0:36:01And the ants just get on with being ants
0:36:01 > 0:36:04and there are just signals sent between each one
0:36:04 > 0:36:05that somehow sort of ripple outwards
0:36:05 > 0:36:08into what appears to be organisation.
0:36:08 > 0:36:10But it's a bit like flocks of starlings
0:36:10 > 0:36:13or shoals of mackerel that have this incredible sort of...
0:36:13 > 0:36:16You think, "What's the intelligence behind this?"
0:36:16 > 0:36:17It's like the Tartan Army.
0:36:17 > 0:36:20LAUGHTER
0:36:20 > 0:36:22No-one knows how they do it, but they do it.
0:36:22 > 0:36:24They somehow do it. Exactly.
0:36:24 > 0:36:25The way, at a football match,
0:36:25 > 0:36:27a chant will grow and then suddenly die.
0:36:27 > 0:36:30You think, "That's... Who's organising that?" and no-one is.
0:36:30 > 0:36:33It's just a sort of feature of large groups.
0:36:33 > 0:36:34It's very odd.
0:36:34 > 0:36:37And that's true of ants, who are, you know, and termites.
0:36:37 > 0:36:41- They love football, don't they? - They love football. They do indeed. North ants, in particular.
0:36:41 > 0:36:43LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:36:48 > 0:36:50It seems there's no-one in charge of the ants,
0:36:50 > 0:36:54but there is someone in charge of the scores, and that's me or I.
0:36:54 > 0:36:58And it's very interesting, because in first place,
0:36:58 > 0:37:01with a positive integer, one point, Phill Jupitus!
0:37:01 > 0:37:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:37:07 > 0:37:11On minus six, in second place,
0:37:11 > 0:37:12Jo Brand!
0:37:12 > 0:37:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:37:17 > 0:37:20Highly respectable - for him, it's a triumph -
0:37:20 > 0:37:23on minus 26, Alan Davies!
0:37:23 > 0:37:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:37:27 > 0:37:29So, now, looky here,
0:37:29 > 0:37:31on minus 30, Josh Widdicombe!
0:37:31 > 0:37:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:37:38 > 0:37:41And so it's thanks and goodnight from Josh, Phill, Jo, Alan and me.
0:37:41 > 0:37:43And we leave you with some last words.
0:37:43 > 0:37:45The last words of American murderer
0:37:45 > 0:37:48James Allen Red Dog, executed in 1993.
0:37:48 > 0:37:53"I'd like to thank my family and friends and Mr Pankowski
0:37:53 > 0:37:57"for supporting me and all the others who treated me with kindness.
0:37:57 > 0:38:01"For the rest of you, y'all can kiss my ass." Goodnight.
0:38:01 > 0:38:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE