0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:23 > 0:00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Hello!
0:00:30 > 0:00:34Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:34 > 0:00:38and welcome to QI, where tonight we're on lethal form.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Let's meet the death-defying Sandi Toksvig.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43APPLAUSE
0:00:45 > 0:00:48The death-denying Jason Manford.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51APPLAUSE
0:00:51 > 0:00:54The death-dealing Bill Bailey.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56APPLAUSE
0:00:58 > 0:01:01And the drop-dead-gorgeous, Alan Davies.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03APPLAUSE
0:01:07 > 0:01:09At least one out of 100 has to be complimentary.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11- That was very kind.- Yeah.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Now, slay me with your buzzers. Sandi goes...
0:01:13 > 0:01:15MACHINE GUN FIRE
0:01:15 > 0:01:16Jason goes...
0:01:16 > 0:01:19HEAVY GUNFIRE
0:01:19 > 0:01:20- Wow!- Wow!- Bill goes...
0:01:20 > 0:01:22EXPLOSION
0:01:26 > 0:01:27And Alan goes...
0:01:27 > 0:01:29CHILD'S VOICE: Bang, bang, you're dead!
0:01:29 > 0:01:30LAUGHTER
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Very good.
0:01:32 > 0:01:33APPLAUSE
0:01:36 > 0:01:38So, before we start, I have to remind you
0:01:38 > 0:01:41we have in this series a Spend A Penny round, because...
0:01:41 > 0:01:44CASH REGISTER
0:01:44 > 0:01:45Exactly.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Because L stands for lavatory,
0:01:47 > 0:01:52one of the answers will involve lavatories in one form or another.
0:01:52 > 0:01:53All things lavatorial.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55So, if you do spot a lavatory lurking anywhere,
0:01:55 > 0:01:58play your joker and if you're right, I'll give you some points.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00What could be fairer than that?
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Now, I'm going to hand out some bags, can you take one
0:02:02 > 0:02:04- and give one to Jason, Sandi, there?- Thank you.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07And you've got yours, I think, already, haven't you?
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Now, you should have a bottle with a cork in it,
0:02:09 > 0:02:11and I want you, using the bag and the bottle
0:02:11 > 0:02:12to get the cork out of the bottle.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14You can't break the bottle, obviously.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Are these...? These are the ones we use when we go dog walking.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Yes, they are, they're pooper scooper ones, exactly.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21- Are they?- Yeah. But they haven't been used, I promise you.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24No, obviously. I was going to use the penny.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27The people near me have started... Does this happen to anyone else?
0:02:27 > 0:02:30They pick it up, put it in the bag and then hang it on a tree.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Does that happen...? They just leave it hanging on a tree!
0:02:33 > 0:02:34Like a Christmas decoration!
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Like a really shit Christmas tree - literally.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40- I think that's a Salford thing, Jason.- I think so!
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Ooh. I say, Sandi's looking promising.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46That's definitely the right idea, is to blow down the bag,
0:02:46 > 0:02:49but I think we need a little bit more down the bottle.
0:02:49 > 0:02:50Or as much of it as you can get.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53You might use your pen to push, as long as you don't tear the bag.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56BILL: Oh, this is exciting. I don't know what I'm doing.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58No.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Oi, that's my catchphrase!
0:03:00 > 0:03:03- Come in here, rob my phrase.... - I'm just copying what Sandi's doing.
0:03:03 > 0:03:04Oh, Sandi, Sandi, yeah.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Line it up, if you can line it up,
0:03:06 > 0:03:08it's going to go, I think.
0:03:08 > 0:03:09If you can, it's so close.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13- Oh!- Oh!- Look, we'll show you. One of our researchers, Zara,
0:03:13 > 0:03:15she managed to do it and we shot her doing it, so have a look.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18- You shot her?! - You shot her!
0:03:18 > 0:03:19Watch, there she goes.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21If you succeed, we will have to shoot you.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24There, there she goes. She's just blown up it.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28A little bit. There it goes.
0:03:28 > 0:03:29There.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Well done, Zara. Now...
0:03:31 > 0:03:34APPLAUSE
0:03:34 > 0:03:35Oh, wait a minute.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37- Oh, oh, nearly. - Oh, nearly.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40You didn't blow enough to provide enough suction, that's the key.
0:03:40 > 0:03:41You have to get the bag...
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Don't panic, Mr Mainwaring, blow in the bag.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Blow in the bag, we used to blow in the bag.
0:03:45 > 0:03:46We'll soon get it out, Mr Mainwaring.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49We'll blow in the bag. Don't worry, Mr Mainwaring!
0:03:49 > 0:03:50I think Stephen, it's there...
0:03:50 > 0:03:52- You've got it? - This is brilliant!
0:03:52 > 0:03:54- Don't panic, we'll blow in the bag sir!- See if you can pull.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56I don't know what I'm doing.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Oh, yeah. We don't want to stretch the...
0:03:58 > 0:04:01I think it's there. You've got it.
0:04:01 > 0:04:02Yes!
0:04:02 > 0:04:04APPLAUSE
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Oh, well done.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11Brilliant. Now...
0:04:11 > 0:04:13No, you haven't got the pressure there.
0:04:13 > 0:04:14OK, pop them away.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17BOTTLE CLANKS
0:04:17 > 0:04:19APPLAUSE
0:04:20 > 0:04:21That's very much one way to do it.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23No, it can't be done.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26But what's really interesting about this is
0:04:26 > 0:04:30how will this save possibly millions of lives, this trick?
0:04:30 > 0:04:32It's not to do with the stent thing, is it?
0:04:32 > 0:04:34When they blow up a little balloon into your...
0:04:34 > 0:04:35No, it's not, it's...
0:04:35 > 0:04:38People getting corks trapped.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40That's not going to save that many lives.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43- It might save a lot of distress. - Yes, that's what I mean.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45To people who want the cork out of a bottle, but it's not really...
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Is it the inside of the penis, can we just clear that up?
0:04:48 > 0:04:50- Oh!- No, it isn't. - Is it up the bum hole?
0:04:50 > 0:04:53- No!- In the ear? - In the ear hole?
0:04:53 > 0:04:55- People sticking corks in their ear.- No. This...
0:04:55 > 0:04:56Is it a common condition?
0:04:56 > 0:04:59It is, in the Third World especially,
0:04:59 > 0:05:02a very common condition and one that causes millions of deaths a year.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06And that's childbirth fatalities, because of breach births,
0:05:06 > 0:05:08and being stuck and so on.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11And it took an Argentinian mechanic,
0:05:11 > 0:05:14who saw a video clip of the trick.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17His name was Jorge Odon,
0:05:17 > 0:05:19and he thought, what would be really good...
0:05:19 > 0:05:21His name was Corkay?
0:05:21 > 0:05:24No, Jorge. He was called Jorge.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27George in Spanish. I like that idea, his name was Corky.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Corky Odon. And he thought that would work on babies.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33- Already a sucker is used. - Yes, but I just want to be clear.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37So, you're having trouble giving birth, and a mechanic comes along
0:05:37 > 0:05:39- with a plastic bag...- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Pushes it in and then goes, "I'm just going to blow."
0:05:41 > 0:05:43That's pretty much...
0:05:43 > 0:05:46- Don't worry, I've seen a video. - It'll be fine.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48- That's exactly... - Seen it on YouTube.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50And the obstetrician he showed it to
0:05:50 > 0:05:52thought that he was on some hidden camera show and that it was a trick
0:05:52 > 0:05:54and that he was going to be made an idiot of.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57But he realised that it was a fantastic idea.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Cos before then they... Do you know the device that is used
0:05:59 > 0:06:01to try and pull babies out?
0:06:01 > 0:06:03- Oh, the forceps.- Well, the forceps is the really old one,
0:06:03 > 0:06:05but the more common one now is the one on the right.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07It's a sort of a sucker thing.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09It is a sucker, but it has a particular name.
0:06:09 > 0:06:10AUDIENCE SHOUT SUGGESTIONS
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Ventouse. What's the other one being shouted?
0:06:13 > 0:06:15- Kiwi.- You call it a kiwi?
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Yeah. We're student midwives.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20- Oh, really? Well, then we bow to your superior knowledge.- Yes.
0:06:20 > 0:06:21Midwifery is a good thing.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Midwifery, it sounds a bit like a sort of
0:06:23 > 0:06:25not very noxious fart, doesn't it?
0:06:25 > 0:06:27LAUGHTER
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Sort of mid whiffery. Jolly. It...
0:06:30 > 0:06:33Can I just say, Stephen, you were, up until then, being so sensitive.
0:06:33 > 0:06:34Yeah.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36"Your job sounds like a fart!"
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Odon's method inserts a plastic bag, just as you said,
0:06:40 > 0:06:42into the birth canal, under the baby's chin.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46Air is then pumped in, inflating the bag gently around the baby's head.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48There's no danger of suffocation. Why is that?
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Because they're not breathing yet.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Because babies don't breathe in the womb, exactly.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54The baby is then safely pulled out
0:06:54 > 0:06:56without the damage of bleeding forceps.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58And we can see that.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01- Not in real life. - All right, yes.- Phew.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04There you go, and that's the suction power
0:07:04 > 0:07:06is on a little calibrated thing, you see.
0:07:06 > 0:07:10Then you, again, take it away and it's exactly the same principle.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12FROM AUDIENCE: It's inconceivable!
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Thank you. I hope...
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Thank you. Out, out!
0:07:17 > 0:07:19I think you've rather misunderstood
0:07:19 > 0:07:21the role of audience intervention here.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25But the way that the device goes around the baby's head,
0:07:25 > 0:07:28very, very similar to the way the chameleon gets its prey.
0:07:28 > 0:07:29- Its prey, yes.- You know?
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Because the tongue is actually, sort of...
0:07:32 > 0:07:35It subsumes the prey and goes round it and then...
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Perhaps you could train a chameleon.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39To give birth!
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Just hold one up to the appropriate area.
0:07:41 > 0:07:42That's a brilliant idea.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45I feel sorry for this woman who's already said no to the engineer
0:07:45 > 0:07:48and then Bill Bailey turns up...
0:07:48 > 0:07:49"What about the chameleon?"
0:07:49 > 0:07:52- Well...- She might not be able to see the chameleon
0:07:52 > 0:07:54- if he's been hanging around for a while.- That's true.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57That would take the stress out of it, it just looks like your arm.
0:07:57 > 0:07:58That's true, yeah.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Oh, what's this? Oh, it's just, it's just a patterned shirt.
0:08:01 > 0:08:02Yeah, it's fine.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06And then it runs up a tree with it.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Yeah. That is a disadvantage.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Then it gets raised as a chameleon.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13- That's not a bad thing.- Yeah.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Everything you said about this, "Why a mechanic?"
0:08:16 > 0:08:19As Dr Merialdi of the World Health Organization said,
0:08:19 > 0:08:23with 5.6 million babies a year dying, he said,
0:08:23 > 0:08:25for many years, almost centuries, nothing has advanced
0:08:25 > 0:08:28in medical science in terms of the delivery of babies,
0:08:28 > 0:08:31which is a natural process, but it is also a mechanical process.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34So perhaps it's not surprising that it's a mechanic
0:08:34 > 0:08:36who saw a way through to easing it.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38- I love it cos it's so simple. - It is so simple!
0:08:38 > 0:08:40It's kind of palm-smacking, isn't it? A lot of doctors
0:08:40 > 0:08:42and obstetricians would have thought, "Wow."
0:08:42 > 0:08:45One of the great advantages is that throughout the Third World
0:08:45 > 0:08:48midwives and nurses can use it without the presence of a doctor.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51It's an incredibly simple technique and very, very cheap
0:08:51 > 0:08:54as long as you sterilise everything, obviously, which you would anyway.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56- So, good news. - Well done, Corky!
0:08:56 > 0:08:58A car mechanic, there, from Argentina
0:08:58 > 0:09:02will save millions of lives with the cork-in-the-bottle trick.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Suggest some lethal uses for a laptop?
0:09:05 > 0:09:06Oh, some lethal...
0:09:06 > 0:09:09- Smart bombs, guiding smart bombs. - Yeah.- Drones.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Hitting people over the head.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14- AS KEIFER SUTHERLAND:- Damn it, Chloe!
0:09:14 > 0:09:15- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17That was like he was in the room.
0:09:17 > 0:09:18Thank you.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21I just happen to have been working with him, that's all.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25- Oh, please.- Is he nice? Please tell me he's nice.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27He's an incredibly nice guy.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30He really is, everyone adores him on the set. Kiefer, this is.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32- Keefa?- Keefa, yeah.- Keefa.- Keefa.
0:09:32 > 0:09:33- Keefa, you know. - Oh, Keefa. Oh, yes.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36- What's he talking about? - Anyway, he's always on laptops.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38I don't know what you're talking about.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41- My favourite one is when he talks about...- 24.- Oh, 24, oh.
0:09:41 > 0:09:42When he talks about parabolics.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45- Parabolics. - Where are the parabolics?
0:09:45 > 0:09:47I'm like, "Are you saying pair of bollocks?"
0:09:47 > 0:09:49That's what it sounds like. Parabolics.
0:09:49 > 0:09:50Is it still going, then, 24?
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Yes. I'm in it, I played the British Prime Minister.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56What kind of Prime Minister were you? Were you sage?
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Well, it was non-specified in terms of party.
0:09:58 > 0:09:59Oh. But were you very sage?
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Like almost every Prime Minister we've had for the last 20 years!
0:10:02 > 0:10:05LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Is it really over-the-top London, though, is it like,
0:10:12 > 0:10:14"Chloe, I forgot my Oyster card!"
0:10:15 > 0:10:17- Is it all that? - It is all shot in London.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20"I'm at Spitting Fields!"
0:10:20 > 0:10:22"There are engineering works!
0:10:22 > 0:10:25"I'm on a bus replacement service!
0:10:25 > 0:10:27"Follow me on the satellite!
0:10:27 > 0:10:30"The driver hasn't got a clue where he's going!
0:10:30 > 0:10:34"What's the best way from Kensal Rise to Ladbroke Grove?
0:10:34 > 0:10:36"You can't use the Harrow Road!"
0:10:38 > 0:10:41APPLAUSE
0:10:45 > 0:10:47I've forgotten what the question was.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Yes, well, lethal uses for a laptop.
0:10:50 > 0:10:51Oh, right, so hitting people over the head.
0:10:51 > 0:10:56You can leave it on the rear parcel shelf of a car
0:10:56 > 0:10:59- and you stop too quickly, then, you know.- Yeah.
0:10:59 > 0:11:04I know this because I went to one of those speed awareness courses,
0:11:04 > 0:11:09and there's this ex-copper, and he was trying to scare everyone,
0:11:09 > 0:11:14and he went, "Yes, this lady, lady driver, had a laptop computer,
0:11:14 > 0:11:16"a laptop computer on the back...
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Mel Smith was in the room for a second.
0:11:20 > 0:11:21It was, yeah, it was.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24He talked like that, he went, "Laptop computer, on the back."
0:11:24 > 0:11:26It's very Mel Smith.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28"On the back shelf, and she stopped too quickly,
0:11:28 > 0:11:29"took her head clean off.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32"Took her head clean off, like a knife through butter."
0:11:32 > 0:11:34It's always clean off, isn't it?
0:11:34 > 0:11:36And there was a dear old lady next to me,
0:11:36 > 0:11:40who'd been caught doing 31mph in a built-up area...
0:11:40 > 0:11:41On a tiny little scooter thing.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Yeah, on a mobility scooter.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45- I can't stop! - I can't hold it!
0:11:48 > 0:11:50- You'll have to go to a workshop.- Yeah.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53And she grabbed my hand, she went, "Oh, my God!"
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Like that. But, of course, I can't imagine it.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58No, actually, we're in Australia
0:11:58 > 0:12:00and it's a programme that's written on a computer.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02- A virus.- It's nothing to do with the Wi-Fi, is it?
0:12:02 > 0:12:03- Do they not...- No, no.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06It's a specific programme written by a specific person,
0:12:06 > 0:12:09in order to help someone do something that will end their lives.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11- Is it some euthanasia thing? - It's a euthanasia programme, yes.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14There's an Australian doctor, called Dr Death - obviously,
0:12:14 > 0:12:18- as they always are - and he's rigged up this...- Death machine.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21..injection system to a laptop
0:12:21 > 0:12:23and you have to answer three questions.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25You have to be sane and smart enough
0:12:25 > 0:12:27to answer the three questions, yes, positively.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30- Do you know what they are? - Yes, I have them for you.- OK.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33"One - are you aware that if you go ahead to the last screen
0:12:33 > 0:12:35"and press the yes button,
0:12:35 > 0:12:38"you will be given a lethal dose of medications and die?"
0:12:38 > 0:12:40So, they're not difficult questions.
0:12:42 > 0:12:43- No.- Also, I...
0:12:43 > 0:12:45I thought it was going to be things like, you know...
0:12:45 > 0:12:47- What year was the Battle of Crecy?- Yes.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51I scroll through a lot of these and just press accept.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54That would be my worry.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Yeah, yeah, yeah. Terms and conditions, I've read them.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Terms and conditions, terms and conditions.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02The second one is, "Are you certain you understand
0:13:02 > 0:13:05"that if you proceed and press the yes button on the next screen
0:13:05 > 0:13:06"that you will die?"
0:13:06 > 0:13:07Wow.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10- That's just very clear.- Yeah.- Yeah. - So you press yes again.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12- So does it then say, "Are you sure?" - On the third screen...
0:13:12 > 0:13:15- Are you sure? Come on now. - In 15 seconds...
0:13:15 > 0:13:16Have you seen the word "die"?
0:13:16 > 0:13:20..you will be given a lethal injection. Press yes to proceed.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22- It's that simple. - That's heavy, man.- Yeah.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25SANDI: And where do you get it, Amazon?
0:13:25 > 0:13:26No. But...
0:13:26 > 0:13:30I suppose if you've made the decision, then, you know,
0:13:30 > 0:13:32it's finding a... I found a very odd...
0:13:32 > 0:13:34I didn't know this was a rule, recently,
0:13:34 > 0:13:37I always get headaches when I'm on tour, so I thought,
0:13:37 > 0:13:39"Well, I may as well just stock up on paracetamol,"
0:13:39 > 0:13:40cos I go through a couple a night.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44So, I tried to buy about 48 packets of paracetamol.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46No, no, no, no, no. That'll kill you.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Well, yeah, obviously I wasn't going to take them all at once,
0:13:49 > 0:13:51- but obviously there's a rule. - They don't know that.
0:13:51 > 0:13:52You're only allowed...
0:13:52 > 0:13:55But I just thought to myself, that's saving no-one, is it?
0:13:55 > 0:13:57No-one's got to that point and gone, "Oh, can I not?
0:13:57 > 0:13:59"Oh, I'll stay alive then, thank you very much."
0:13:59 > 0:14:01I go into a newsagents and order a bottle of vodka
0:14:01 > 0:14:03and they give me a quarter one now.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Because they've heard things about me.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09Although, there was a moment when the woman embarrassed me
0:14:09 > 0:14:11in front of a queue of people, where she said,
0:14:11 > 0:14:13"I can't sell you that many paracetamol."
0:14:13 > 0:14:15And I went, "Oh, why? Why is that?"
0:14:15 > 0:14:17And she said, "It's in case you kill yourself."
0:14:17 > 0:14:20She said those words to me. And I, this was my panic, I went,
0:14:20 > 0:14:23"What? But there's a load of freezer stuff in there!"
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Like, that was my actual point.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Like, that was the logic, you know?
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Look in my trolley there, there's some long-life milk, why am I going?
0:14:35 > 0:14:36Why would I go?
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Do you think I'm mad? Do you think I'd waste that?
0:14:39 > 0:14:44There's some Findus crispy pancakes I'm looking forward to!
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Yeah, there's a Solero in there, I've got so much to live for!
0:14:49 > 0:14:51You want to look into that headache thing,
0:14:51 > 0:14:53it'll be caffeine-related, I expect.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55- You want to flush your system. - I'll do that.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57With vodka.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00I have to say, the only time I've had morphine was in Copenhagen.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02I had kidney stones, they gave me morphine.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04I should think so, it's the most painful thing.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07And my partner said it was so embarrassing because
0:15:07 > 0:15:09I was just lying there going, "I'm filled with honey."
0:15:12 > 0:15:15We had Jeremy Clarkson on and he was talking about kidney stones,
0:15:15 > 0:15:17said the most painful thing a human being could have.
0:15:17 > 0:15:21And someone said, "Erm, childbirth, I'll think you'll find."
0:15:21 > 0:15:25And he said, "Ah, do we have anyone in the audience who has given birth
0:15:25 > 0:15:26"to a child and had kidney stones?"
0:15:26 > 0:15:29- And there was one person. - Course there is!- And he said,
0:15:29 > 0:15:31"Which was the most painful?" And she said kidney stones.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34- Do they zap them with something sonic?- They do now.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36I was off my head, I've no idea what they did.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39I think they do, they dissolve them and then you pee them out.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42What you don't want is someone giving it, "Come here. Come here!
0:15:44 > 0:15:45"Bend over!"
0:15:45 > 0:15:48APPLAUSE
0:15:52 > 0:15:56Let's get this chameleon, let's line it up...
0:15:56 > 0:15:58with your, er...entrance.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Well, what about suicide booths, where do they exist?
0:16:01 > 0:16:04Have you ever seen or heard of them? Soylent Green?
0:16:04 > 0:16:06A Harry Harrison novel that was a great movie.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09There are suicide booths there, used by Matt Groening
0:16:09 > 0:16:11in Futurama, rather wonderfully.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13So what, you just pop in and kill yourself?
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Yeah, there are three modes of death in Futurama - quick and painless,
0:16:16 > 0:16:19slow and horrible and clumsy bludgeoning.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23So what, you just put a 50p in or something?
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Yeah, that's the idea in science fiction,
0:16:25 > 0:16:26that people would want to do that.
0:16:26 > 0:16:31Euthanasia becomes not just a right, but a sort of...fuck it, you know?
0:16:31 > 0:16:33- I like a photo booth, though.- Yes.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36They've got that retro, you know, Instamatic,
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Instagram type thing, you know?
0:16:38 > 0:16:41We've sort of gone reverse, cos the photo's getting so perfect,
0:16:41 > 0:16:43we've now got to a point where we go,
0:16:43 > 0:16:45"Get Instagram and make it a bit worse."
0:16:45 > 0:16:47I'm going to do an app where you just put, like,
0:16:47 > 0:16:49your dad's thumb in the top corner.
0:16:49 > 0:16:50"Remember this?"
0:16:50 > 0:16:53They used to say if you look like your passport photograph,
0:16:53 > 0:16:55you're probably not well enough to travel.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59That's a very good theory, I like that.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02The very first job I ever applied for in TV, it said you had to send in
0:17:02 > 0:17:06your CV and your photograph, and traditionally in show business
0:17:06 > 0:17:08it's a sort of 8x10, used to be an 8x10 rather glossy thing.
0:17:08 > 0:17:12I didn't know that, I went to Victoria Station and, erm...
0:17:12 > 0:17:15And the stool was stuck, erm, down low.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18So, honestly, I sent in a photograph of the top...
0:17:18 > 0:17:19LAUGHTER
0:17:19 > 0:17:23..of my head, and they thought it was a joke - so I got the job.
0:17:23 > 0:17:24Really?!
0:17:24 > 0:17:26- APPLAUSE - Wow.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33- There was an actors' directory, no longer used...- Spotlight.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35..called Spotlight, in which you had to give your photograph,
0:17:35 > 0:17:38and I remember Barry Humphries had a wonderful one,
0:17:38 > 0:17:41just a picture of him like that, not as Dame Edna but it just said,
0:17:41 > 0:17:43"Leather and denim roles preferred."
0:17:44 > 0:17:48I used to try and put things in to see if they'd print them.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Just out of sheer devilment.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Things like, "Can hover."
0:17:54 > 0:17:56"Is magnetic." You know?
0:17:58 > 0:18:00"I'm OK round chickens."
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Just to see...
0:18:02 > 0:18:04But they never printed them,
0:18:04 > 0:18:07- they probably just went, "Silly."- Silly!- "Silly man."
0:18:07 > 0:18:10"Will hover on demand."
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Anyway, yes, this happy little fellow is about to kill himself.
0:18:13 > 0:18:14How?
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Do you recognise that?
0:18:16 > 0:18:18- Is it a field mouse? - He's about to kill himself?
0:18:18 > 0:18:21He is, by doing something which nature impels him to do,
0:18:21 > 0:18:24- which is a suicidal thing to do. - Fling himself off a cliff.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27- ALARM BELL - Oh, dear, oh, dear.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Throwing himself off a cliff,
0:18:29 > 0:18:31I thought, well, why not? We'll get that one out of the way.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33You thought it might be a lemming
0:18:33 > 0:18:36- and, anyway, lemmings don't, of course, but...- No, they don't.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38It's not a lemming, it's in fact not a rodent.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40- Is it not?- No.- Is it a squirrel? - Is it a marsupial?- Squirrel?
0:18:40 > 0:18:41It is a marsupial, yes,
0:18:41 > 0:18:43it's a bit of a convergent how-do-you-do, there.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46It's a marsupial, and it's called an antechinus.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49Antechinus? Well, what are the natural things?
0:18:49 > 0:18:52It's either going to eat something or it's going to drink something.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55What do animals live to do? They live to eat in order to?
0:18:55 > 0:18:58- Procreate.- To survive long enough to procreate, to pass on their genes.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00So, is it some naughty sex thing that happens?
0:19:00 > 0:19:03It's about to have sex, and that is, for it, suicide.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06They go on an extraordinary shagging spree.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08I mean, it is quite, quite unbelievable.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11I have to give you the details, because they're pretty amazing.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14It's semelparous, which means it only does it once.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16And it's about 12 hours on the job
0:19:16 > 0:19:19with one female before moving on to the next.
0:19:19 > 0:19:20It doesn't eat or sleep,
0:19:20 > 0:19:24it just keeps going in a testosterone-driven frenzy.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Well, never mind about him - that poor female!
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Well, that's, then the next one, and the next one.
0:19:29 > 0:19:3112 hours! She must be chafed.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36To get the necessary energy, the males' bodies strip themselves
0:19:36 > 0:19:40of all their vital proteins and suppress their immune systems.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43By the end of the fortnight, they are physiologically exhausted,
0:19:43 > 0:19:47bald, gangrenous, ravaged by stress and infection and keel over and die.
0:19:47 > 0:19:48Wow!
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Russell Brand, take note!
0:19:50 > 0:19:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:57 > 0:19:58- It's pretty grim.- Wow.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01That sounds like Henry VIII at the end of his life, doesn't it?
0:20:01 > 0:20:04- It does, somewhat. It is, it is. - Does this happen only once, then?
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Yes, semelparous, once in Latin, semel is once.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08They're dead before the children arrive?
0:20:08 > 0:20:11Very much so. And that, some people think, may be the reason...
0:20:11 > 0:20:14- Just to get out of childcare. - They can't bear the thought of it.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16- Or, if you give it a better gloss, it's in order to...- Food.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18..leave more food for their children.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20So, it's 12 hours and then another 12 hours.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23- Yeah, yeah. And this lasts for a fortnight, apparently. Yeah.- Wow!
0:20:23 > 0:20:25- A two-week mating season. - WOMAN LAUGHING
0:20:25 > 0:20:27There's somebody in the audience
0:20:27 > 0:20:30remembering her Spanish holiday over there.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Ooh!
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Magaluf, 1982. Oh.
0:20:36 > 0:20:37Oh, that was a party.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40But they aren't the only marsupials with a suicidal sex drive,
0:20:40 > 0:20:43there's also marsupial cats, which have a wonderful name.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47- Very good for Scrabble - quoll. - Quoll?- Q-U-O-L-L.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Very good Scrabble word. There's a little quoll.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52These are all Australian?
0:20:52 > 0:20:54The female northerns, yes, are subjected by males
0:20:54 > 0:20:56to bouts of copulation.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58It is put here they can last 24 hours,
0:20:58 > 0:21:00- with plenty of biting and screeching.- Oh, I say!
0:21:00 > 0:21:02They soon get their own back, though.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05The post-coital males lose weight, become anaemic,
0:21:05 > 0:21:07their scrotums shrink, their fur falls out
0:21:07 > 0:21:09- and they get infested with lice. - Oh, wow.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Within a week or two they die
0:21:11 > 0:21:13like their mousy cousins, martyrs to their genes.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15- Wow. Horrible. - It's grim, isn't it?
0:21:15 > 0:21:18- It's grim down south. - Even if that was in humans,
0:21:18 > 0:21:22- I think most men would go, "Ah, may as well!"- Worth it!
0:21:23 > 0:21:25"I'm here now!"
0:21:26 > 0:21:27Worth it! What a day!
0:21:27 > 0:21:30All the females are sitting around going, "Don't worry,
0:21:30 > 0:21:31"they'll be gone in a minute."
0:21:33 > 0:21:36I presume they don't know it's going to happen to them.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39No, presumably they'd have no sense of the impending...
0:21:39 > 0:21:42There's no three questions. "If you have sex, you will die."
0:21:42 > 0:21:45- Because they never knew their father.- "Press yes."
0:21:45 > 0:21:48"Are you sure you want sex?" "Yes!"
0:21:48 > 0:21:50"Definitely?" "Oh, yes!"
0:21:51 > 0:21:54"Here's a picture of somebody who's had sex."
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Their father, unfortunately, isn't there to tell them.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00- By definition.- "Don't do it!"
0:22:00 > 0:22:04- So they are, they're railroaded into this.- Just programmed.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07- Self-destructive shagging frenzy. - Programmed. Deeply programmed.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Now, if you had to fight a duel,
0:22:09 > 0:22:12which weapon would you want your opponent to choose?
0:22:12 > 0:22:15A - Hot-air balloon? Would that please you?
0:22:15 > 0:22:18B - A billiard ball? C - A sword?
0:22:18 > 0:22:19Or D - A sausage?
0:22:22 > 0:22:24- Sausages are fairly non-lethal. - You'd say sausage.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27I would think you could get terrible food poisoning from a sausage.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30If you had them in a string of sausages...
0:22:30 > 0:22:34I don't know how you'd use the hot-air balloon as an actual weapon
0:22:34 > 0:22:36unless you land on somebody, I don't know how you would...
0:22:36 > 0:22:39The rules were, if you challenge someone to a duel,
0:22:39 > 0:22:42the person you challenge can choose the weapon and the place.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44So if you choose a balloon,
0:22:44 > 0:22:46- you're choosing... - They'd be in the balloon?
0:22:46 > 0:22:48They can choose a gun and a balloon.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50You can pretty much work out what could therefore happen.
0:22:50 > 0:22:54And you would draw straws as to who shoots first.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57If they're not very good shots, the first one could miss.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00It would be a bit annoying if you had chosen guns and balloons
0:23:00 > 0:23:03and then got the short straw and he got to shoot first.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05- You'd be like, "What's the point?"- Yes.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Although it's not a small target,
0:23:07 > 0:23:10it depends how far away it was, of course.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Well, we do have history on our side,
0:23:12 > 0:23:13so we can tell a story about the sausage.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16There was a scientist, a very eminent scientist,
0:23:16 > 0:23:20who was rather liberal in his ways, who lived in Prussia,
0:23:20 > 0:23:22and who was the great leader of Prussia,
0:23:22 > 0:23:25who basically unified Germany and was the, what we would call
0:23:25 > 0:23:28a prime minister, but he was the Minister President of Prussia.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31- Bismarck.- Von Bismarck, exactly.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34And this German pathologist, who was called Rudolf Virchow,
0:23:34 > 0:23:39so opposed the mighty armaments programme that Bismarck had started,
0:23:39 > 0:23:43that he enraged Bismarck who challenged him to a duel.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46So, because he got to choose, this doctor,
0:23:46 > 0:23:48who was the first man to isolate the pathogen
0:23:48 > 0:23:52behind pork that had gone off, which is called Trichinella spiralis,
0:23:52 > 0:23:55said, "OK, the weapons will be sausages."
0:23:55 > 0:23:59One of which would be poisonous, toxic, as you say, with this agent,
0:23:59 > 0:24:02this pathogen, so he challenged him to a breakfast, essentially,
0:24:02 > 0:24:05and Bismarck didn't like the idea, so he called the whole thing off,
0:24:05 > 0:24:07which the challenger has the right to do.
0:24:07 > 0:24:08- So, it's a sausage roulette?- Yeah.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Yeah, basically, sausage roulette.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Yeah. But with only two.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14And so you had a 50/50 chance of dying,
0:24:14 > 0:24:17so that's a pretty dangerous duel, a sausage duel.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20So, moving from the sausage to the balloon.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Monsieur Grandpre and Monsieur de Pique.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25We're going to get quite French, because you know what they're like.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28In 1808, there was a dispute between these two over the affections of a young woman.
0:24:28 > 0:24:32They took to the skies in separate hot air balloons, each armed with a Blunderbuss.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35De Pique shot first and missed. He had the first shot and he missed.
0:24:35 > 0:24:36It is a moment, isn't it?
0:24:36 > 0:24:39Grandpre then fired at de Pique's balloon and punctured it,
0:24:39 > 0:24:41- sending him and his second down to their deaths.- Wow.
0:24:41 > 0:24:442,000 feet above Paris. So, a balloon, pretty damned dangerous.
0:24:44 > 0:24:49The very first female air passenger ever was in a hot-air balloon -
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Elisabeth Thible. She was an opera singer
0:24:51 > 0:24:54and she was dressed as Minerva and sang arias from opera
0:24:54 > 0:24:58- as she fed the fire and the balloon took off.- How wonderful!
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Unfortunately, she landed and sprained her ankle,
0:25:00 > 0:25:01but other than that...
0:25:01 > 0:25:04Yes, it's great. She was the very first female passenger.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06There's only one example of a billiard ball duel
0:25:06 > 0:25:08that we've been able to discover
0:25:08 > 0:25:11and that took place between a Monsieur Lenfant
0:25:11 > 0:25:14and a Monsieur Melfant. They fell out over a game of billiards,
0:25:14 > 0:25:17not surprisingly, and so they used what was to hand - billiard balls.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Presumably it was carom if they were French.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21And they decided to resolve their difference
0:25:21 > 0:25:25by pelting each other one after the other with billiard balls.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Again, they drew straws to see who would throw first.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30And Melfant won and he warned his opponent he would kill him
0:25:30 > 0:25:33with one single strike and he did. Straight between the eyes, dead.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36- Wow.- Wow.- Bloody hell.- God. - Yeah. That's, so that's...
0:25:36 > 0:25:38And he probably went, "I was joking!"
0:25:38 > 0:25:39Yeah, exactly.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41"I didn't think I'd actually hit you."
0:25:41 > 0:25:43- Why didn't they use the cue? Surely, that would have been a...- Yeah.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45So, of all the weapons we've described,
0:25:45 > 0:25:49probably the safest is the sword, because in duelling,
0:25:49 > 0:25:53all you have to do is get the... draw first blood, as the phrase is.
0:25:53 > 0:25:54So, you literally have to pink someone,
0:25:54 > 0:25:56just give them a little scratch
0:25:56 > 0:25:58and it's called off by the second, "Oh, you got him."
0:25:58 > 0:25:59So, there we are, duelling.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02Now, why would you resupply your enemies with bullets
0:26:02 > 0:26:04when they'd run out of them? How crazy is that?
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Seems silly, doesn't it?
0:26:06 > 0:26:08- Or indeed a plastic spoon! - Unless they were...
0:26:08 > 0:26:10- Keep it fair!- ..fake bullets? - No, real bullets.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12There's your enemy, you desperately want to defeat them,
0:26:12 > 0:26:15they are running out of ammunition and you resupply them.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17- Are they bullets which explode when...?- Sabotage?
0:26:17 > 0:26:20- Are they sabotaged?- No.- Somebody else comes to attack us and...
0:26:20 > 0:26:23They're good bullets. No, no, you don't make a deal with them.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25- Is it a sense of honour?- It's something so wonderful, I think,
0:26:25 > 0:26:27that should guide the British government
0:26:27 > 0:26:30and its policy on a particular issue,
0:26:30 > 0:26:31one that is very dear to me
0:26:31 > 0:26:34and the nation who have this marvellous building
0:26:34 > 0:26:36that I've had trouble pronouncing sometimes.
0:26:36 > 0:26:40- It's in the, em...Acropolis. - LAUGHTER
0:26:40 > 0:26:44- Ah, yes, that's where the... - Where the Parthenon is, yes, yes.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47And it's the Parthenon we are discussing.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50So, Greece, let's go back almost 200 years.
0:26:50 > 0:26:54- Who ran Greece almost 200 years ago? - Turks?- Turks, the Ottoman Empire.
0:26:54 > 0:26:58And there was a big movement to free Greece, led by Greeks,
0:26:58 > 0:27:01but also by some Britons, notably Lord Byron, who died there.
0:27:01 > 0:27:02Lord Byron, yes.
0:27:02 > 0:27:07And, by 1820, they had got quite a grip on the colonialists
0:27:07 > 0:27:09and they'd pushed them all back up the Acropolis
0:27:09 > 0:27:13and there they were in the Parthenon, that wonderful building.
0:27:13 > 0:27:18And...the Turks were firing and they ran out of shot.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21Now, the original builders of the Acropolis
0:27:21 > 0:27:23were extraordinary architects
0:27:23 > 0:27:28and they joined together these 70,000 pieces of marble
0:27:28 > 0:27:30in a magnificent way.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33They put in sheets of lead to protect it
0:27:33 > 0:27:35and bits of iron staple and lead
0:27:35 > 0:27:38to keep connecting together the marble.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41Then, in 1820, when the Ottomans were defending it,
0:27:41 > 0:27:43they started to use these lead sheets
0:27:43 > 0:27:46to melt them down to make shot and the Greeks said,
0:27:46 > 0:27:48"We're not going to have that happen to the Parthenon!"
0:27:48 > 0:27:51Ah, so give them bullets to stop them doing it?
0:27:51 > 0:27:54To stop them destroying the building they loved so much,
0:27:54 > 0:27:55that meant Athens to them.
0:27:55 > 0:27:59And if that story doesn't make the British government
0:27:59 > 0:28:01get off its arse and give back the Elgin marbles,
0:28:01 > 0:28:02I don't know what will.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04APPLAUSE
0:28:07 > 0:28:11If we do that, do we have to give back everything else, as well?
0:28:11 > 0:28:14- No! No!- Because we've got lots of stuff, haven't we?
0:28:14 > 0:28:16That's the slippery slope fallacy,
0:28:16 > 0:28:20it's the first fallacy of logic and it just doesn't play.
0:28:20 > 0:28:21Anyway, yes, that's basically it.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24I didn't give you much of a chance to come in on that, did I?
0:28:24 > 0:28:26But it's a good story, it was worth telling.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29- I like it when you're passionate on a subject.- Thank you.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31But isn't it a wonderful story about human beings,
0:28:31 > 0:28:36that even in the face of death that we revere beauty and great art
0:28:36 > 0:28:39- more than ourselves? I think that's marvellous.- It is wonderful.
0:28:39 > 0:28:41Absolutely wonderful, I agree.
0:28:41 > 0:28:45Right, now, let's go to real beauty and real splendour.
0:28:45 > 0:28:48Why was a pint of best in 19th-century Norfolk
0:28:48 > 0:28:50just what the doctor ordered?
0:28:51 > 0:28:54Oh. Has it got something medicinal in it?
0:28:54 > 0:28:56It sure has. Poppies.
0:28:56 > 0:28:57Heroin.
0:28:57 > 0:28:59Not heroin, heroin wasn't discovered...
0:28:59 > 0:29:02"A pint of your heroin beer, please."
0:29:02 > 0:29:04Not heroin, but opium.
0:29:04 > 0:29:06It's no wonder Norfolk has kept to itself.
0:29:06 > 0:29:08Heroin needs a little bit more chemical skill
0:29:08 > 0:29:10than they were able to show in Fenland.
0:29:10 > 0:29:12- Bit more Breaking Bad. - Yes, basically.
0:29:12 > 0:29:15And they had been having this stuff for ages and ages and ages,
0:29:15 > 0:29:19and then, in the 19th century, laudanum became very popular.
0:29:19 > 0:29:23Laudanum is a tincture of a small amount of opium with alcohol.
0:29:23 > 0:29:26Queen Victoria loved it, and they loved it in the Fens.
0:29:26 > 0:29:29And they had it with beer, so they'd have poppy stuff in their beer.
0:29:29 > 0:29:33There was a period called 'the Great Binge', and it was really from,
0:29:33 > 0:29:37sort of, 1880s to the outbreak of the First World War,
0:29:37 > 0:29:40and the banning of absinthe in France.
0:29:40 > 0:29:42- What a time to be alive!- Yes.
0:29:42 > 0:29:44And, as I say, Queen Victoria was addicted to laudanum,
0:29:44 > 0:29:46she'd have laudanum every night.
0:29:46 > 0:29:48To be wealthy and idle in the Great Binge.
0:29:48 > 0:29:49Yes. It was something.
0:29:49 > 0:29:53You're talking about Wetherspoons right now, aren't you? Yeah.
0:29:53 > 0:29:56In our time, you could get kaolin and morphine perfectly easily.
0:29:56 > 0:29:59Yes, supposedly to cure diarrhoea. You could also buy, in Boots,
0:29:59 > 0:30:02liquid aniseed and you may say, "What's the point of that?"
0:30:02 > 0:30:04It was a fabulous trick. You know catnip for cats?
0:30:04 > 0:30:06Everyone knows how cats behave when you have catnip.
0:30:06 > 0:30:08Dogs behave like that to liquid aniseed,
0:30:08 > 0:30:10so you would sprinkle it on your trouser legs
0:30:10 > 0:30:14and see these little old ladies being pulled along the street.
0:30:14 > 0:30:15LAUGHTER
0:30:15 > 0:30:18They'd fly after your trousers. It was quite extraordinary.
0:30:18 > 0:30:21While you were completely off your head on kaolin and morphine.
0:30:21 > 0:30:25- Ahh, those were the days. - JASON: Good times, good times.
0:30:25 > 0:30:28- Was this a private education you were receiving?- Yes.
0:30:28 > 0:30:31And I don't recommend it. Anyway, in Fenland
0:30:31 > 0:30:33they drank a lot of beer with their own poppies in it.
0:30:33 > 0:30:35Basically, Norfolk and Lincolnshire consumed
0:30:35 > 0:30:37- over five and a half tonnes a year. - Wow.
0:30:37 > 0:30:40Which was, basically, more than the whole country put together.
0:30:40 > 0:30:41- Wow.- Good God.- Yeah.
0:30:41 > 0:30:44Do you think it hindered the development of the region?
0:30:44 > 0:30:45It might have done.
0:30:45 > 0:30:49It was known as "stuff" or "best" and, basically, it did destroy...
0:30:49 > 0:30:50Got any stuff?
0:30:51 > 0:30:52Yes.
0:30:52 > 0:30:55In the 19th-century, being an opium addict was normal for Norfolk.
0:30:55 > 0:30:58Nowadays, we're told that even sugar is a deadly poison.
0:30:58 > 0:31:00But are sugar-free sweets good for you?
0:31:02 > 0:31:03Oh, they give you the runs!
0:31:05 > 0:31:08Honestly, if you are at all stuffed-up,
0:31:08 > 0:31:12two sugar-free sweets, you'll be singing.
0:31:12 > 0:31:14I don't know why.
0:31:14 > 0:31:16Well, I ought to warn you that
0:31:16 > 0:31:18- you have missed your Spend A Penny chance, that was it.- Oh.
0:31:18 > 0:31:20Because it's all about going...
0:31:20 > 0:31:22- Well, it's too late now. - Oh, yes, of course.- Never mind.
0:31:22 > 0:31:25It's lycasin, which can have a mildly
0:31:25 > 0:31:28or moderately laxative effect.
0:31:28 > 0:31:30That's if you take a few of them.
0:31:30 > 0:31:34On the Amazon page where they sell sugar-free Haribo Gummy Bears,
0:31:34 > 0:31:37it clearly warns, "May cause stomach discomfort
0:31:37 > 0:31:39"and/or a laxative effect."
0:31:39 > 0:31:41The same page has over 250 comments.
0:31:41 > 0:31:45"Stomach discomfort turns out to be a massive understatement!"
0:31:45 > 0:31:46Oh, yes.
0:31:46 > 0:31:49"Gastrointestinal Armageddon!"
0:31:52 > 0:31:54"Calamitous flatulence."
0:31:55 > 0:31:58"Trumpets calling the demons back from hell."
0:31:58 > 0:31:59GUNSHOTS
0:31:59 > 0:32:01That's the noise, exactly.
0:32:01 > 0:32:05- I'm just adding some noises to the story.- Yeah.
0:32:05 > 0:32:06"Guttural pronouncement so loud,
0:32:06 > 0:32:09"it threatened to drown out my own voice."
0:32:10 > 0:32:13And "flammable liquid Napalm extruding."
0:32:13 > 0:32:15Those are some of the milder comments.
0:32:15 > 0:32:16I've never known anything like it.
0:32:16 > 0:32:20I got some butterscotch sweets, and I honestly had two
0:32:20 > 0:32:23and I thought it was a good way to help me lose weight, and it did.
0:32:23 > 0:32:26Absolutely. Yeah.
0:32:26 > 0:32:29I once tried to figure out how many gummy bears
0:32:29 > 0:32:31you could put into a remote-control helicopter
0:32:31 > 0:32:36before you, you know, would compromise its airborne stability.
0:32:36 > 0:32:39- And?- You know those little tiny ones?
0:32:39 > 0:32:42Oh, the little, tiny, miniature ones!
0:32:42 > 0:32:44The tiny miniature helicopters that can hover.
0:32:44 > 0:32:47I put one gummy bear in it as the pilot
0:32:47 > 0:32:49and it crashed immediately.
0:32:51 > 0:32:54- One! They're so... - Such a delicate aerodynamic set-up.
0:32:54 > 0:32:57- Very delicate aerodynamics, yeah.- Wow!
0:32:57 > 0:33:00Yeah, I say I put it in the pilot seat and it went over like that,
0:33:00 > 0:33:02whereas I should have put one on each rail
0:33:02 > 0:33:04and then it would have been fine.
0:33:04 > 0:33:05I know that now.
0:33:06 > 0:33:10- But thanks for passing it on. - Yeah, no, that's fine.- Good.
0:33:10 > 0:33:12And now for the lethal concoction of toxic misapprehension
0:33:12 > 0:33:15and venomous disinformation that we call General Ignorance.
0:33:15 > 0:33:17So, fingers on buzzers, if you please.
0:33:17 > 0:33:19Name a non-venomous snake.
0:33:19 > 0:33:21- EXPLOSION - Yes?
0:33:21 > 0:33:23The grass snake.
0:33:23 > 0:33:25- ALARM BELL - Oh!- What?
0:33:26 > 0:33:28We thought you might say that.
0:33:28 > 0:33:30Well, clearly!
0:33:31 > 0:33:34Somebody's very quick on the typing, otherwise.
0:33:34 > 0:33:36Are they all venomous but just not very?
0:33:36 > 0:33:38Yes. All snakes are venomous.
0:33:38 > 0:33:42A recent discovery by a man you know you can trust because of his name,
0:33:42 > 0:33:46he's called Professor Brian Fry, of the University...
0:33:46 > 0:33:47No, he isn't.
0:33:47 > 0:33:49- AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: - University of Queensland.
0:33:49 > 0:33:50And in 2013,
0:33:50 > 0:33:55he showed that even snakes that kill by constriction have venom in them
0:33:55 > 0:33:57and it's been re-purposed to create a sort of lubricant
0:33:57 > 0:34:00to help swallow the huge things that constrictors swallow.
0:34:00 > 0:34:04But it still contains small quantities of venom. Fry comments...
0:34:04 > 0:34:06"Fry comments," I find that very odd, saying that.
0:34:06 > 0:34:08Their toxins are the equivalent of a kiwi's wing
0:34:08 > 0:34:10or the sightless eyes of a blind cavefish -
0:34:10 > 0:34:13defunct remnants of a functional past.
0:34:13 > 0:34:16And he showed that the world's largest lizard, which is...?
0:34:16 > 0:34:17- Komodo dragon.- Komodo.
0:34:17 > 0:34:19The Komodo dragon, yes, kills its prey with venom,
0:34:19 > 0:34:22which we all thought beforehand that it was killed with sort of bacteria,
0:34:22 > 0:34:26that it just basically bit it and it had such disgusting slobber
0:34:26 > 0:34:28that the thing caught infections.
0:34:28 > 0:34:30- Yeah, but they actually envenomate. - It seems so, yeah.
0:34:30 > 0:34:33The small fangs at the rear of a grass snake's mouth
0:34:33 > 0:34:36do actually spit out at you and they'll hiss and they'll strike,
0:34:36 > 0:34:38and you will get a small itchy infection.
0:34:38 > 0:34:40- Envenomation, as you say.- Right.
0:34:40 > 0:34:41So, there you are.
0:34:41 > 0:34:44That's weird and surprising, there are no non-venomous snakes.
0:34:44 > 0:34:45They all have venom glands.
0:34:45 > 0:34:48How fast was the fastest mass extinction?
0:34:48 > 0:34:52- How many years? I'll give you... - EXPLOSION
0:34:52 > 0:34:53The Liberal Democrats!
0:34:53 > 0:34:55LAUGHTER
0:34:55 > 0:34:57APPLAUSE
0:35:01 > 0:35:04- So, about two weeks, then? - Two weeks! Ukip.
0:35:04 > 0:35:08Ukip are like Top Gear for people that don't like cars.
0:35:08 > 0:35:10LAUGHTER
0:35:10 > 0:35:13- That's very good.- Thousands? Are we talking thousands?
0:35:13 > 0:35:16- Thousands of years. - Thousands? Oh.- Yes, thousands.
0:35:16 > 0:35:21It happened 252 million years ago, the ending of the Permian period.
0:35:21 > 0:35:25It's known as The Great Dying. Sounds rather Star Trek, doesn't it?
0:35:25 > 0:35:27- The Great Dying. - So, what? Sort of 5,000 years?
0:35:27 > 0:35:3060,000 years. Three score thousand years.
0:35:30 > 0:35:32But there have been about three of these mass extinctions?
0:35:32 > 0:35:35Five. Well, yeah, supposedly we're in the sixth.
0:35:35 > 0:35:36We are in one at the moment.
0:35:36 > 0:35:38I mean, forget global warming,
0:35:38 > 0:35:40just simply by the way we're destroying habitats.
0:35:40 > 0:35:43Either eating them or running them over.
0:35:43 > 0:35:46Or simply just competing for space and not giving...
0:35:46 > 0:35:49You know, monocultures and biodiversity.
0:35:49 > 0:35:51But it's a staggering number a day, isn't it?
0:35:51 > 0:35:53A huge number day. It's horrifying.
0:35:53 > 0:35:56Now, Alan, would you take a bullet for me?
0:35:56 > 0:35:58Yes, Stephen, of course.
0:35:58 > 0:35:59Aw, thank you. Very good.
0:35:59 > 0:36:01LAUGHTER
0:36:01 > 0:36:04ALARMS BELLS Wow!
0:36:07 > 0:36:08- Sorry, no. No, I wouldn't.- No, no.
0:36:08 > 0:36:11No, you wouldn't, because you couldn't.
0:36:11 > 0:36:13I mean, that's to say, in the standard way it's done,
0:36:13 > 0:36:15the "No-o-o-o!"
0:36:15 > 0:36:17The diving in front of someone, you can't take a bullet for someone.
0:36:17 > 0:36:20Well, you'd have to anticipate, I presume.
0:36:20 > 0:36:22You'd have to anticipate in such an incredible way.
0:36:22 > 0:36:25- Accidental, you know, act of... - Accidental, it would.
0:36:25 > 0:36:28Because, of course, a bullet goes at 1,000 feet per second.
0:36:28 > 0:36:30That's from a hand gun. 700mph that is.
0:36:30 > 0:36:32Did you know...? I read this.
0:36:32 > 0:36:34You might like this because you like cricket.
0:36:34 > 0:36:36They've stopped using bowling machines
0:36:36 > 0:36:38because they've discovered that it doesn't help you at all,
0:36:38 > 0:36:40that the people who are very good at batting
0:36:40 > 0:36:42have worked it out before the ball is released
0:36:42 > 0:36:45by the shape and the angle of the arm of the bowler.
0:36:45 > 0:36:48Their anticipation is that much quicker,
0:36:48 > 0:36:51so it's actually of no use to you to practise with a machine,
0:36:51 > 0:36:53you must practise with people, so you're trained...
0:36:53 > 0:36:56- Trained to see the arm. - Seeing the person coming at you
0:36:56 > 0:36:58- over and over and over.- So, the notion that the Secret Service
0:36:58 > 0:37:01are going to throw themselves in front of the President is just silly?
0:37:01 > 0:37:04Well, it has happened. It happened in the case of John Hinckley
0:37:04 > 0:37:07who had a pop at Ronald Reagan in 1981.
0:37:07 > 0:37:10- No-o-o!- That's it, exactly. It has to...
0:37:10 > 0:37:12This is how I would do it. I wouldn't use my head.
0:37:12 > 0:37:13No, very sensible.
0:37:13 > 0:37:15- I'd use my arse. - Your arse, yeah.
0:37:16 > 0:37:18Or my leg.
0:37:18 > 0:37:20Yeah. Yeah, I would use, I would use that.
0:37:21 > 0:37:23- I would use Bill.- Yeah.
0:37:23 > 0:37:26I'd get it out for you, Alan.
0:37:28 > 0:37:30- I'm taking that bag home with me! - A supplementary question,
0:37:30 > 0:37:33why do people fall over when they've been shot?
0:37:33 > 0:37:34Because they've just been shot.
0:37:36 > 0:37:38ALARM BELLS
0:37:38 > 0:37:40Aww!
0:37:46 > 0:37:48No, is the answer.
0:37:48 > 0:37:50Shock.
0:37:50 > 0:37:52Cos they're dead?
0:37:52 > 0:37:54- A dead person would fall over, obviously.- Eventually.
0:37:54 > 0:37:56Whether they'd been shot in any way...
0:37:56 > 0:37:58Is it not the speed, like, the speed and the impact, no?
0:37:58 > 0:38:00No, none of those things will knock you over.
0:38:00 > 0:38:03- ALARM BELLS - What?
0:38:03 > 0:38:04Unbelievable.
0:38:04 > 0:38:06"The impact!"
0:38:06 > 0:38:08What a band.
0:38:08 > 0:38:10I banged my head on the fireplace the other day and I fell over.
0:38:10 > 0:38:13- That would do it.- Wait, wait, is this a lavatory question?
0:38:13 > 0:38:15No, we've already had one.
0:38:15 > 0:38:18- Oh, no, I don't know.- Because they've seen it done in movies.- Really?
0:38:18 > 0:38:21So, in the Wild West, when they had a shoot-out
0:38:21 > 0:38:23and cos they'd never seen a cowboy film,
0:38:23 > 0:38:25people just carried on standing.
0:38:25 > 0:38:28- Most people when they're shot don't know they've been shot.- Right.
0:38:28 > 0:38:31We have it on the authority of the FBI Academy Firearms Training Unit
0:38:31 > 0:38:34that people generally do fall down when shot,
0:38:34 > 0:38:35but only when they know they have.
0:38:35 > 0:38:37- That's the point.- Right.
0:38:37 > 0:38:39Regardless of bullet calibre or where they're hit,
0:38:39 > 0:38:42people who've been shot and don't know it yet don't fall over.
0:38:42 > 0:38:45Unless you were shot and your leg was shot off, and then you would...
0:38:45 > 0:38:47If it was shot off, you would naturally, yeah. Exactly.
0:38:47 > 0:38:50There are circumstances in which you can fall over.
0:38:50 > 0:38:52But books, films and TV have educated us
0:38:52 > 0:38:54- that we are supposed to fall down, that's why.- Right.
0:38:54 > 0:38:57Now, is it wrong to eat people?
0:38:59 > 0:39:01- Oh! - I think it's wrong...
0:39:01 > 0:39:04- Undergraduate philosophy class, this, isn't it?- Yes, isn't it, yeah.
0:39:04 > 0:39:06It depends on the circumstances.
0:39:06 > 0:39:10It would not have been wrong to eat Hitler, I would argue.
0:39:12 > 0:39:14I think it's wrong to eat this one.
0:39:14 > 0:39:16- Yeah.- Unless that's Hitler.- Yeah.
0:39:16 > 0:39:19Ah, well, yeah. That's a very good ethical point.
0:39:19 > 0:39:21Are you saying there are some circumstances where...?
0:39:21 > 0:39:24- Well, cannibalism is not illegal in Britain.- Is it not?
0:39:24 > 0:39:26Murder is, so to kill someone in order to eat them
0:39:26 > 0:39:29- is obviously illegal.- It is frowned upon. Dealt with by magistrates.
0:39:29 > 0:39:33- If I had to lose a liver, I mean, sorry, not a liver...- A kidney.
0:39:33 > 0:39:36- A kidney, yeah.- Don't lose your liver.- How many livers have you got?
0:39:36 > 0:39:38A liver transplant, maybe. I might give my old liver to someone
0:39:38 > 0:39:41and say, "By all means fry it up with some onions if you want to."
0:39:41 > 0:39:43- Oh, wow.- Well, you can eat placenta, can't you?
0:39:43 > 0:39:46- Placenta is commonly fried after, yeah.- Yes.- Absolutely.
0:39:46 > 0:39:48There's a special fork that, for cannibalism,
0:39:48 > 0:39:49there's a three-pronged fork
0:39:49 > 0:39:52and I've always thought that if you saw one laid on a table
0:39:52 > 0:39:54when you'd been invited, it probably...
0:39:54 > 0:39:56- That's the time to move away.- Yeah.
0:39:56 > 0:39:58- So, it's technically not illegal to eat anyone?- No.
0:39:58 > 0:40:01And so, if you were to, you know, at a funeral,
0:40:01 > 0:40:03just have a little nibble of a toe or something.
0:40:03 > 0:40:07Well, you'd definitely need permission. As with anything.
0:40:07 > 0:40:11Why hasn't anyone started, you know, in times of a recession, going,
0:40:11 > 0:40:14"Do you know what? I hardly walk anyway, so..."
0:40:14 > 0:40:16Absolutely.
0:40:16 > 0:40:18"Just have the left one."
0:40:18 > 0:40:21There are people in the recession who hardly walk!
0:40:23 > 0:40:24That's a bad one, isn't it?
0:40:24 > 0:40:26That is a really bad recession.
0:40:26 > 0:40:28Can't even walk now.
0:40:28 > 0:40:30In Germany, in 2003, you may remember that case,
0:40:30 > 0:40:33there was a computer technician called Armin Meiwes...
0:40:33 > 0:40:36- Oh, that's right, yes. - ..who conspired, as you might say,
0:40:36 > 0:40:39with a fellow engineer called Bernd Brandes
0:40:39 > 0:40:41to sit down and eat with him.
0:40:41 > 0:40:44Armin Meiwes cut off the penis of Bernd Brandes with his permission
0:40:44 > 0:40:46and sat down to eat it with him.
0:40:46 > 0:40:48He then stabbed him and froze the corpse to eat later.
0:40:48 > 0:40:51Brandes gave him explicit permission for the whole scenario.
0:40:51 > 0:40:53He originally asked Meiwes to bite off his penis.
0:40:53 > 0:40:56This proved difficult. Meiwes had to use a knife.
0:40:56 > 0:40:59He then tried to eat his own severed penis raw.
0:40:59 > 0:41:00- Oh, not raw!- Yeah.
0:41:00 > 0:41:02- Oh!- He found it too chewy.
0:41:02 > 0:41:04LAUGHTER
0:41:06 > 0:41:09- Have you had it cooked?- Oh, the danger of infection from that!
0:41:09 > 0:41:12I mean, really. "Oh, this is... No, this is raw."
0:41:14 > 0:41:16- "Give it another five on the grill."- Yeah.
0:41:16 > 0:41:20They fried it in salt, pepper, wine and garlic.
0:41:20 > 0:41:21- Oh, that's all right, then.- Yeah.
0:41:21 > 0:41:23- "Little bit of curry powder on that?"- They tasted it
0:41:23 > 0:41:26and agreed it was overdone, so fed it to the dog.
0:41:26 > 0:41:28He then killed Brandes and hung his body on a meat hook
0:41:28 > 0:41:30and proceeded to eat it over the next ten months.
0:41:30 > 0:41:32He was found guilty of a sort of killing on demand,
0:41:32 > 0:41:35but was retried and convicted of murder.
0:41:35 > 0:41:39- Did he go to prison, or to some secure location?- I don't know.
0:41:39 > 0:41:42He was locked in a Happy Eater for the rest of his life.
0:41:42 > 0:41:44LAUGHTER
0:41:45 > 0:41:48According to the law, eating people, or bits of people, is not wrong.
0:41:48 > 0:41:51Which brings me to the grisly business of the final scores,
0:41:51 > 0:41:54and how interesting they are.
0:41:54 > 0:41:57Way out... Well, not way out, but slightly last,
0:41:57 > 0:42:01I'm sorry to say, with minus 19, is Jason Manford.
0:42:01 > 0:42:04APPLAUSE
0:42:08 > 0:42:11Trailing clouds of glory in a very respectable third place,
0:42:11 > 0:42:14- would you believe it, Alan Davies! - Thank you very much.
0:42:14 > 0:42:16APPLAUSE
0:42:17 > 0:42:19Second, with minus eight, Bill Bailey.
0:42:19 > 0:42:21Minus eight.
0:42:21 > 0:42:23APPLAUSE
0:42:25 > 0:42:28Which can only mean that the winner is our token Dane,
0:42:28 > 0:42:30with plus six, Sandi Toksvig.
0:42:30 > 0:42:32APPLAUSE
0:42:38 > 0:42:41And, with that, it's a big thank you and good night
0:42:41 > 0:42:42from Sandi, Jason, Bill, Alan and me.
0:42:42 > 0:42:46And we leave you with the last words of the poet Richard Savage,
0:42:46 > 0:42:47who died in 1743.
0:42:47 > 0:42:51"I have something to say to you, sir...
0:42:51 > 0:42:52"No, 'tis gone."
0:42:52 > 0:42:54Good night.
0:42:54 > 0:42:56APPLAUSE AND CHEERING