0:00:28 > 0:00:31Good evening,
0:00:31 > 0:00:34good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:34 > 0:00:37good evening, good evening and welcome to QI, the show that tickles
0:00:37 > 0:00:41the armpit of tedium with the feather duster of interestingness.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45Tonight, we're taking a lingering look at love.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48My guests are the lovely Josh Widdicombe...
0:00:52 > 0:00:55..that love machine, Tony Hawks...
0:00:58 > 0:01:01..the best beloved, Aisling Bea...
0:01:04 > 0:01:08..and a complete luvvy, Alan Davies.
0:01:11 > 0:01:16So, let's hear their love calls. Josh goes...
0:01:16 > 0:01:18- Oh, is that my buzzer?- Yes. - Oh, I thought...
0:01:20 > 0:01:22You can give another love call if you want.
0:01:22 > 0:01:26I thought I was going to have to get my phone out.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29What am I wearing? Erm...
0:01:30 > 0:01:33LOVE IS ALL AROUND PLAYS
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Oh! Aisling goes...
0:01:35 > 0:01:38LOVE AND MARRIAGE PLAYS
0:01:38 > 0:01:41- Ah. Frank Sinatra. - Yeah, bit negative.- Tony goes...
0:01:41 > 0:01:44LET THERE BE LOVE PLAYS
0:01:44 > 0:01:45Oh, yes. And Alan goes...
0:01:45 > 0:01:49I LIKE IT PLAYS
0:01:49 > 0:01:50Wonderful.
0:01:50 > 0:01:55# I like the way you run your fingers through my hair... #
0:01:55 > 0:01:58It wouldn't be possible to run one's fingers through your hair,
0:01:58 > 0:02:00without there being some awful rending noise.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03- Yeah, an alarm goes off.- Yes.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05I ought to tell you, though, because it's the L series,
0:02:05 > 0:02:08there is the likelihood of one question being lavatorial.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10And if it is, you can spend a penny.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15TOILET FLUSHES
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Very good. And if you correctly spend your penny,
0:02:18 > 0:02:21when I ask the question, you get extra points. It's that simple.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Right, to get you in the mood, here are some foods for you to try.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26- You should have some on your little prop tables.- Ooh.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30You've got chocolates there, Josh. You've got a potato, Alan.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32- Hot damn.- What have you got, Tony? - Well, I don't...
0:02:32 > 0:02:35- Oh, champagne.- It looks like champagne. It could be anything.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Probably cava, knowing our budget.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39You could have had a wee in here, all of you, for all I know.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41You wouldn't want it to fizz, though, would you?
0:02:41 > 0:02:43No, you wouldn't, mate.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47You put your finger on top to stop it overflowing.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49That's what I always do on the loo.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51- Yes, it is.- It is? I hope it's fresh.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54- I think it's fresh if you want to eat it.- I hope it's fresh, as well.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57- You could drop it in the champagne. It's delicious.- I love...
0:02:57 > 0:02:59- Am I allowed?- I'm allergic to champagne, literally.
0:02:59 > 0:03:00- Are you?- Yeah. I can't drink it.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Oh, darling, it must be simply terrible for you.
0:03:03 > 0:03:04It's not, actually.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Christopher Hitchens rather wonderfully said
0:03:07 > 0:03:09the four most overrated things in the world are lobster, champagne,
0:03:09 > 0:03:11anal sex and picnics.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15But we don't like champagne.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18What a night that would be.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Come on, they're all daytime ones.
0:03:26 > 0:03:27Anyway, so, by all means, eat yours.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30But what do you think they have to do with our theme?
0:03:30 > 0:03:32- Chocolate...- They're sexy foods.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34- Yes.- They're aphrodisiacs. - Aphrodisiacs.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36They're considered to be aphrodisiacs.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Oysters have long been considered it.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42- Potato?- Yes, Alan, a thousand times yes.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47You can go on a date, of course, with two potatoes and a carrot,
0:03:47 > 0:03:52and lay them out on the desk or the table in a very erotic way,
0:03:52 > 0:03:54and tantalise people.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56That's true. Two potatoes and a carrot.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59Are you single, Tony, or are you...?
0:04:00 > 0:04:03At what point in the date do you pull out the potatoes?
0:04:03 > 0:04:06- Where's the desk?- Well, the desk, I admit that the desk on the date,
0:04:06 > 0:04:08the date's going badly wrong.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Well, do have a piece of chocolate. Do sip your champagne.
0:04:12 > 0:04:16- And do, by all means, have your oyster.- I mean, I do love oysters,
0:04:16 > 0:04:21but one time I did get poisoning on Valentine's Day...
0:04:21 > 0:04:23- On Valentine's Day, as well?- Oh!
0:04:24 > 0:04:28- Oh, no, are you eating your potato raw?- Is that allowed?
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Oh, oh.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35OK, here she goes, here she goes, oyster down.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37- It's bigger than I'm used to.- Hey.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42- How is it?- Very nice.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45I'm definitely going to tape this episode, I can tell you that.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47- Try your chocolate. - Oh, they're very nice.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49- It might have rose petals or violets.- Are you all right, Alan?
0:04:49 > 0:04:52I feel horny.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Look out, Josh!
0:04:56 > 0:04:59It's worked. Bloody hell, two bites!
0:05:01 > 0:05:04Well, the reason that potatoes were considered to be aphrodisiac,
0:05:04 > 0:05:07at one point in history, this may be something Aisling knows,
0:05:07 > 0:05:11is that when they were introduced to Ireland as a major crop,
0:05:11 > 0:05:14the population of Ireland increased a huge amount, but it was simply
0:05:14 > 0:05:17because there was less starvation than there had been before.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Though, as we know, there was then the terrible potato blight,
0:05:20 > 0:05:21and the population reduced.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24- Oh, you had to bring it up. - I'm sorry, I didn't mean it.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27It was a bad moment in Irish history, a bad moment.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29It's fine, it's fine. I'm nearly over it.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34There's still more guilt to be got out of it from us.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Carbs are the last thing you'd want before sex, aren't they?
0:05:36 > 0:05:38- Make you feel heavy, you would think.- Yeah.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41It depends how long you want to go on for, Josh.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Do you have slow release? Porridge.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47- Slow release! Oh, dear. - About an hour and a half.
0:05:47 > 0:05:51Oh, I didn't mean it like that, Stephen!
0:05:51 > 0:05:56Oh! I'm going to have a chocolate and stop lowering the tone, I think.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59The fact is, if you go online, not that this is the most authoritative
0:05:59 > 0:06:02way of finding out, but almost any food that you put next to the word
0:06:02 > 0:06:05aphrodisiac in a search field, will return a result of some kind.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07There seems to be no food in history
0:06:07 > 0:06:09that hasn't been regarded at some time as aphrodisiac.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11There's a wonderful book
0:06:11 > 0:06:13called Venus In The Kitchen by Norman Douglas,
0:06:13 > 0:06:15which includes such things almond soup
0:06:15 > 0:06:19and sow's vulva and trussed crane -
0:06:19 > 0:06:22all kinds of extraordinary dishes, most of which are classical.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Can we go back to the second one?
0:06:25 > 0:06:27- Sow's vulva.- Sow's vulva?
0:06:27 > 0:06:30It begins with the wonderful words, "Take that part of the pig."
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Which you ask your butcher, I assume, to cut.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Imagine going into the butcher,
0:06:34 > 0:06:36"Hiya, can I get a pound of mince
0:06:36 > 0:06:38and some sow's vulva.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41"Big night, I think he's going to propose."
0:06:41 > 0:06:45"I'm sorry, it usually comes in on a Thursday, I'm fresh out."
0:06:45 > 0:06:48If you're making someone eat that,
0:06:48 > 0:06:49they don't want to have sex with you.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Well, I agree, it's pretty much enforced, isn't it?
0:06:52 > 0:06:53Any other vulvas?
0:06:55 > 0:06:58- Very good point.- Just the sow's vulva that's a good...
0:06:58 > 0:07:01- It seems to be, yeah. - Do any other animals have a vulva?
0:07:01 > 0:07:03- Well, all mammals, I would hope.- Do they?
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Well, not all mammals, not egg-laying mammals.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08- But just about any other kind. - Do they?
0:07:08 > 0:07:10I don't really know what a vulva is, to be honest.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17- It's a Swedish car, Stephen. - Oh, it's Swedish car!
0:07:17 > 0:07:20It's a Swedish car that's due for a cervix.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26- But it's all nonsense, isn't it? - No, they exist.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33- You mean, aphrodisiacs? - Aphrodisiacs, I think...
0:07:33 > 0:07:36- it's all a myth, isn't it? It's all nonsense.- It seems to be.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38I don't think there's any way of proving. It's so hard to prove.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42If I understand correctly, it's about the brain, sex.
0:07:42 > 0:07:43Yeah, yeah.
0:07:43 > 0:07:49The limbic lobe in the brain sends a message to your pelvic area.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51- Yeah.- Sometimes by carrier pigeon.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56- And these foods, they don't affect that part of the brain.- No.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59You're quite the sexy talker, though, aren't you?
0:07:59 > 0:08:03Is this your opening line before you take out the potatoes and carrot?
0:08:03 > 0:08:06I'm not giving any trade secrets away here tonight.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09So you say, "Daphne, my limbic system is sending me messages."
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Yeah, I think most people would agree that a lack of inhibition
0:08:13 > 0:08:14hurries one toward the bedroom,
0:08:14 > 0:08:17and alcohol, naturally, is something that would...
0:08:17 > 0:08:19But it doesn't enhance the performance.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22Shakespeare makes that very point through the porter in Macbeth.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Does he? I don't care.
0:08:24 > 0:08:28- It increases the desire, but it mars the performance.- Yes.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30The fact is, there is no proof that, as Tony rightly said,
0:08:30 > 0:08:33that, except possibly the alcohol as a disinhibitor...
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Galen, the Roman doctor, thought that any food that produced
0:08:36 > 0:08:38flatulence was in some way an aphrodisiac.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40This was believed until the 18th century,
0:08:40 > 0:08:43when they thought the opposite. In Elizabethan times, stewed prunes
0:08:43 > 0:08:45were so highly regarded as aphrodisiacs,
0:08:45 > 0:08:47they were served for free in brothels.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49You'd get them to get you up there.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52- And beans...- What, like outside?
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Like outside Starbucks? On a taster plate?
0:08:54 > 0:08:57That's right. Have your prunes.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59St Jerome forbade beans,
0:08:59 > 0:09:03because he thought that they would make nuns or women extremely horny.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05- Nuns or women?- They excited the...
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Who knows what's under there?
0:09:11 > 0:09:14They excited the genitals of women, he thought.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Frog juice, putting a frog in a blender, is...
0:09:18 > 0:09:20..considered a Peruvian aphrodisiac.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23- Do they have blenders? Not now.- They do now.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26I assume, when they first thought of it, they didn't have blenders.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29The Incans were very, very advanced, though.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32- They probably used... - A pestle and mortar.- Yeah.
0:09:32 > 0:09:37Do any of the active ingredients in Viagra occur naturally?
0:09:37 > 0:09:42- Good point. I like that.- Whoa, cool.
0:09:42 > 0:09:43That would be interesting to know.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Why? Are you worried about what that potato's done to you?
0:09:48 > 0:09:49No, I'm fine.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53How long does it last?
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Well, there you are. Almost everything in the history of food
0:09:55 > 0:09:59has been reputed to be an aphrodisiac, even potatoes.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01What wouldn't you like to get on Valentine's Day?
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Chlamydia.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10A perfectly reasonable response.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Is that what of VD stands for? Valentine's Day?
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Never occurred to me, that's brilliant,
0:10:17 > 0:10:19This is probably... A few people have had this...
0:10:19 > 0:10:23which is the most tragic thing you can get on Valentine's day
0:10:23 > 0:10:26is the card from your mum.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28- Oh, yes.- Or from my nan, in my case.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33- Both! One from my mum, one from my nan.- That's sweet, though.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35But it's better...
0:10:35 > 0:10:37than a one-way ticket to New Zealand.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41- That would be... - That would be a hint too far.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44I once got on a... I'd just split up with my girlfriend
0:10:44 > 0:10:48and it was my birthday and my family don't really do birthdays much,
0:10:48 > 0:10:52but her family did, so I received one birthday card,
0:10:52 > 0:10:55which was from my ex-girlfriend's mum.
0:10:55 > 0:11:00- Oh, my goodness.- Oh, Josh.- And I've just realised how bleak that is.
0:11:00 > 0:11:01Thought that was an amusing anecdote,
0:11:01 > 0:11:05turns out it's actually the bleakest moment of my life.
0:11:05 > 0:11:06We're all very sorry for you.
0:11:06 > 0:11:10Can anyone tell me why on the Valentine's Day cards
0:11:10 > 0:11:13you're not supposed to admit that you've sent it?
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Cos that's the most pointless thing, isn't it?
0:11:15 > 0:11:17You send... You get a card from someone,
0:11:17 > 0:11:19you want to know who it is,
0:11:19 > 0:11:21so you can go round and sort them out, don't you?
0:11:21 > 0:11:25- "Sort them out?" - JOSH: Who are you? Ray Winstone?
0:11:25 > 0:11:26- "Sort them out."- ..to your office.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29- Take them to your office... - Show them...- Show them the desk.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32- Get your carrot out. - Get the carrot and potatoes.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38Go via the greengrocer to pick up your vegetables.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41We've had a window into your life, Tony, that's weird.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45The really high watermark of Valentine card sending
0:11:45 > 0:11:49was a 50-year period from 1840 to 1890,
0:11:49 > 0:11:52when Victorians sent each other Valentine's cards
0:11:52 > 0:11:54on Valentine's Day, but they didn't just send love letters.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57They sent, what you might almost call hate mail,
0:11:57 > 0:12:00but they were known as vinegar valentines.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02And there's... I don't know what...
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Basically saying, "You are bald and smelly.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07"You're not very good at DIY."
0:12:10 > 0:12:13- JOSH:- You shouldn't have cut through that wire.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Not surprisingly, they're quite rare,
0:12:15 > 0:12:17because people who received them tended to throw them away,
0:12:17 > 0:12:20so people who collect cards value them very highly.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24What did they expect to sort of get back?
0:12:24 > 0:12:26They think, "This is really going to help the situation."
0:12:26 > 0:12:29I'm afraid, it's the same human instinct that is about trolling -
0:12:29 > 0:12:33accused of being drunk, ugly, overweight, stuck up,
0:12:33 > 0:12:35all the things that trollers accuse people of.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Also, they accuse grocers of cheating their customers
0:12:38 > 0:12:41and things like that. And very often they didn't put stamps on,
0:12:41 > 0:12:44so that the recipient had to pay the stamp.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46"Oh, what a lovely Valentine's card,"
0:12:46 > 0:12:50and then they open it and it's a huge insult. I mean, it's very mean.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53But we do have, I'm glad to say, this is not really a vinegar,
0:12:53 > 0:12:57but it's a rather charming one, this is one with a moustache.
0:12:57 > 0:13:01- This is in York Museum. - Not any more, it isn't.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Well, yeah, good point.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07It's from York Castle Museum and it's got a moustache and it says,
0:13:07 > 0:13:09"With heartiest greetings
0:13:09 > 0:13:11"and best hopes that she'll soon get another..."
0:13:11 > 0:13:14that's a moustache, "..with a man attached."
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Bit of a joker, this guy.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Yeah, I mean, cos sending locks of hair through the post
0:13:21 > 0:13:22is a sign of love.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25It's a very old thing, but to send a moustache is quite something,
0:13:25 > 0:13:27isn't it? And the little joke of...
0:13:27 > 0:13:29You probably know who it was who sent it,
0:13:29 > 0:13:32because he'd be going around with no moustache on.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34"That wasn't me."
0:13:34 > 0:13:36If you kidnapped a man with a moustache...
0:13:36 > 0:13:41- Yes?- You know, then you'd send the moustache to show that you've got...
0:13:41 > 0:13:46That's true! It's kinder than sending an ear.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49"Recognise this moustache?"
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Salvador Dali's wife is, like, "No!"
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Well, that's what a vinegar Valentine was.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58From love letters to l'amour.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01Who did Napoleon's ex go out with next?
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Are we talking about Josephine?
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Well, yes, we are, but not the Empress Josephine.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09Oddly enough, he seemed to have a predilection for Josephines.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12Well, he had two mistresses, one was called Josephina and one was called
0:14:12 > 0:14:15Josephine, neither of whom was the Empress Josephine.
0:14:15 > 0:14:16There they are.
0:14:16 > 0:14:20There was Josephina Grassini, who was a beautiful dancer,
0:14:20 > 0:14:23opera singer, opera dancer they used to be called.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25And Josephine Weimer, an actress.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27So they were both very beautiful.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29She looks like she's doing the Single Ladies dance.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Like she's, "Whoa-oh-oh, whoa-oh-oh."
0:14:31 > 0:14:35She's showing how tall Napoleon is, that's what she's doing.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37"I want one this high."
0:14:41 > 0:14:43But these, as I say, were different Josephines, they were later ones.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Just before the Battle of Waterloo,
0:14:46 > 0:14:48who was the British Ambassador in Paris?
0:14:49 > 0:14:52- British Ambassador...- I'll leave this one to you, Alan.
0:14:52 > 0:14:57- Before Napoleon escaped.- Hang on. There was Schniesberkin, Wilson...
0:14:57 > 0:14:59It's kind of easier than you think.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01He was the victor of Peninsular
0:15:01 > 0:15:03and he'd beaten Napoleon before and he was about to beat him again.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07- It's not Wellington, is it? - It's the Duke of Wellington himself.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10And there's Old Hooky on the right, and there's Napoleon on the left.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13And, yeah, Wellington really knew how to rub it in
0:15:13 > 0:15:15when he beat someone, as it were.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17- That sounds terrible. - Oh, did he go out with...?
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Yeah, he went out with both of these mistresses.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23He seduced both during his stay in Paris as Ambassador in 1814
0:15:23 > 0:15:26and 1815, just before Waterloo, before the escape of Napoleon,
0:15:26 > 0:15:29while Napoleon was in Elba, having abdicated, if you remember.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32"Able was I ere I saw Elba."
0:15:32 > 0:15:35- What's odd about that phrase? - It's a palindrome, isn't it?
0:15:35 > 0:15:38- Yeah, that's right, exactly.- Yes. - It's a palindrome.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40It's actually a palindrome, guys, so...
0:15:42 > 0:15:45And Weimer was the only one who compared the two in bed,
0:15:45 > 0:15:46which is extremely unkind of her.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50She said, "Monsieur le Duc etait de beaucoup plus fort,"
0:15:50 > 0:15:53is a lot stronger in bed.
0:15:53 > 0:15:58Fort is fiercer, stronger, mightier. Yeah, better, basically.
0:15:58 > 0:16:02Was there a Mrs Wellington back home who was a bit fed up about this?
0:16:02 > 0:16:03The Duchess, yeah.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Yeah, she must have been, you know, unimpressed, I'd say.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Well, he famously did have a lot of affairs.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10There were so many potatoes around in those days.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13- There's no doubt that they were up to it.- That's right.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16And after the wars ended, he was presented with Napoleon's sword,
0:16:16 > 0:16:19three paintings of him and the painting of his sister,
0:16:19 > 0:16:24Pauline Borghese, there she is, that's Napoleon's sister,
0:16:24 > 0:16:25there with a nipple showing.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27She's got something keeping her chin on as well.
0:16:27 > 0:16:32Yes, she has. It's keeping her mouth from falling open. Exactly.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35I think it's a mask. It's clearly some sort of a face mask,
0:16:35 > 0:16:37like it's got a bit of elastic round the back.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Well, Napoleon had commissioned a statue of himself, 11 foot tall,
0:16:40 > 0:16:43basically twice the height of himself.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46And this was...this was bought by the British Government
0:16:46 > 0:16:48and given to Wellington, along with the house they gave him.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Do you remember what it's called?
0:16:50 > 0:16:53- Oh, Number One, London. - Number One, London, Apsley House.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55- Oh, wow.- Oh, good house. - And it really works.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58If you get into a cab and say Number One, London, the cabbie will go,
0:16:58 > 0:17:02"I've always wanted someone to say that." And they will take you there.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Is that supposed to be the sculpture of Napoleon?
0:17:04 > 0:17:07That is it. I know, it's somewhat idealised, to say the least.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11- Oh, God.- In the stairwell of Apsley House, as it's also called.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14- Where is Number One, London, then? - It's at Hyde Park Corner.
0:17:14 > 0:17:15It's easier to spot in real life,
0:17:15 > 0:17:18because there isn't a bloody great big picture in front of it.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21- That's true.- And is the Duke of Wellington beef Wellington man?
0:17:21 > 0:17:24- Yes, it is named after him. - Interesting.- And the boots.
0:17:24 > 0:17:25And the boots, as well.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27A lot of military figures had clothing named after them,
0:17:27 > 0:17:29particularly in the Crimean War.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31There was Lord Cardigan, who was in charge of the Light Brigade.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34- Balaclava!- The Balaclava helmet, absolutely. And...
0:17:34 > 0:17:37- The jodhpur.- Jodhpur is a place, I think. But Raglan was also...
0:17:37 > 0:17:40- Dr Martin.- Raglan...
0:17:41 > 0:17:44- The raglan sleeve.- Lord Bobble Hat.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49- Colonel Stiletto.- Earl of Sandwich. Have we done him?
0:17:49 > 0:17:52- Colonel Scarf.- Old Jock Strap.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56- The Earl of Head and Shoulders. - Lieutenant Washing Machine.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Well, there were a lot, a few. So, good.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01The Duke of Wellington's conquests included Napoleon
0:18:01 > 0:18:03and no fewer than two of his exes.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Who would bite their arm off to get their leg over?
0:18:06 > 0:18:09LOVE IS ALL AROUND PLAYS
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Yes, Josh?
0:18:11 > 0:18:12You!
0:18:12 > 0:18:16- KLAXON BLARES - Oh, dear.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Even if we hadn't got that one ready,
0:18:23 > 0:18:25you'd already reveal what a sad act you are
0:18:25 > 0:18:26and we would have tagged it on.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29- This must be from the animal kingdom. - It is from the animal kingdom.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32And what type of animals usually have to suffer in order to
0:18:32 > 0:18:34give their seed, as it were?
0:18:34 > 0:18:38- Spiders are usually...- Spiders is the right answer.- Oh! Look at that.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40There's a particular kind of spider...
0:18:40 > 0:18:43There's the female on the left and there's the male on the right.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48That's a neat packet there, isn't it?
0:18:48 > 0:18:51- He's going to have a Napoleon complex, isn't he?- He really is.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Have you seen that picture of Bernie Ecclestone and his ex-wife?
0:18:54 > 0:18:55It's a bit like that?
0:18:57 > 0:19:00He's said to his mates... His mates have said,
0:19:00 > 0:19:01"No, don't bother, she's too big for you."
0:19:01 > 0:19:04He's going, "No, I can get her, you watch, you watch.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07"She's no problem at all, mate."
0:19:07 > 0:19:11He actually... He won't let her wear heels on a night out, will he?
0:19:11 > 0:19:13She is a hundred times bigger.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15And if we see him close up, you might notice...
0:19:15 > 0:19:18He's Tom Cruise.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20It's quite hard to see, but the front two,
0:19:20 > 0:19:22the left one is curled inwards a bit,
0:19:22 > 0:19:26but the right one is straight up, are actually penis legs.
0:19:26 > 0:19:27- Oh, no.- What?
0:19:27 > 0:19:30He has eight legs like any spider, but the front two are penises
0:19:30 > 0:19:32and are charged with his seed.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35I've got a couple of them down under here.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38The old penis leg there.
0:19:38 > 0:19:39They're called pedipalps.
0:19:39 > 0:19:44And the thing he does, in order to get a better chance of shagging that
0:19:44 > 0:19:50enormous female, is he actually spins some silk and ties it round
0:19:50 > 0:19:56one of his penis legs and pulls, so that it basically pulls it off.
0:19:56 > 0:19:57So he actually tears it off.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00If he pulls it off, there's no point in having sex with her.
0:20:00 > 0:20:01- No, there's one left.- Oh.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05And it gives him a speed advantage. So he's much, much quicker.
0:20:05 > 0:20:06So he can scuttle after her.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09It all seems a most complicated life cycle.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11The oddest procedure, but it's honestly true,
0:20:11 > 0:20:13it's the male tent cobweb spider.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16So the males that do this are 44% faster
0:20:16 > 0:20:18than ones who've kept both their penis legs.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22But even then, when they get the female, which is their reward,
0:20:22 > 0:20:24the female then will suck them dry and discard them.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27- Yeah, which...- Oh, isn't that just the way with women?
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Yes, I know, poor you.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32You deserve it, you're all bastards. Ha-ha-ha-ha.
0:20:32 > 0:20:36Her mum sends him a card.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39- Is the human equivalent of this...? - Katie Price.- No.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46- The octopus has a penis arm. Didn't we have that once?- Yes, that's right.
0:20:46 > 0:20:47Completely correct.
0:20:47 > 0:20:51I read that the eight legs of the octopus all function independently
0:20:51 > 0:20:53and they don't know what the other ones are doing.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55- Isn't that weird?- Yeah.
0:20:55 > 0:20:59The only thing in the world that an octopus sucker won't stick to
0:20:59 > 0:21:03- is an octopus leg. Which is why they don't get all tangled up.- Yeah.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06- I know things about octopuses. - You do. You do.
0:21:06 > 0:21:10Researchers tested the tent cobweb spider, rather meanly,
0:21:10 > 0:21:13by chasing them, some intact, some not, round a little running track,
0:21:13 > 0:21:15to see how long they lasted,
0:21:15 > 0:21:18and the spiders with intact sex organs lasted 16 minutes on average,
0:21:18 > 0:21:22but the spiders that had snapped one off, or snipped one off,
0:21:22 > 0:21:24lasted up to 28 minutes, so it is a big advantage.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Once you've mated, of course, you have to bring up the children.
0:21:27 > 0:21:32To that end, what are the advantages of having a goat as a nanny?
0:21:32 > 0:21:34LET THERE BE LOVE PLAYS
0:21:34 > 0:21:39- Tony?- I think it's because they've got hooves.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42And if you had a nanny that had hooves,
0:21:42 > 0:21:43they couldn't sneak up on you.
0:21:46 > 0:21:47Well, that's true.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49The fact is nanny goats are called nanny goats
0:21:49 > 0:21:50for a dashed good reason.
0:21:50 > 0:21:54In the days of foundlings, who were left on church doors,
0:21:54 > 0:21:58if you left a baby on a church steps, it was a foundling
0:21:58 > 0:22:00and it was therefore thrown on mercy of the parish.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03And it had to be fed, and of course there was no such thing as SMA
0:22:03 > 0:22:05or Cow And Gate, or anything like that.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08The only way they could get milk was from a breast.
0:22:08 > 0:22:12So you had wet nurses. But you also had goats.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15- So goats were amazing. - They'd feed on the goats?
0:22:15 > 0:22:18They'd feed on the goat milk. Very good stuff, straight from the teat.
0:22:18 > 0:22:19Straight from the teat?
0:22:19 > 0:22:22It's better than... Until 1870 pasteurisation was invented,
0:22:22 > 0:22:25by Pasteur, obviously, it was the healthiest way you could have it,
0:22:25 > 0:22:26straight from the teat.
0:22:26 > 0:22:30- Was the goat OK with...? - Not only OK, let me...
0:22:30 > 0:22:33I've seen Josh's little eyes light up, like, "straight from the teat".
0:22:33 > 0:22:36- Yeah.- "The goat was OK?"- And you say goats are OK with this?
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Not only OK, you may have seen cows that are desperate to be
0:22:40 > 0:22:42milked, and they queue up for the dairy in order to be milked.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45Well, goats are the same, if they're ready to give suck.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48- So we have here a description... - For what?!
0:22:49 > 0:22:50Whoa.
0:22:53 > 0:22:58You know, the phrase, Shakespearean again, Lady Macbeth.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01French doctor Alphonse Leroy described it, in a foundling
0:23:01 > 0:23:05hospital in France, "Each goat which comes to feed enters bleating
0:23:05 > 0:23:08"and goes to hunt the infant which has been assigned to it."
0:23:08 > 0:23:11So there's a particular child that it's been assigned to.
0:23:11 > 0:23:16"Pushes back the covering of the bed, with its horns," like that...
0:23:16 > 0:23:21- Sounds familiar.- "And straddles the crib to give suck to the infant."
0:23:21 > 0:23:23It sounds like an accident waiting to happen, really.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Goat soup on the...
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Can you imagine trying to get insurance for that in the NHS?
0:23:29 > 0:23:31So, we just had this goat straddle a baby
0:23:31 > 0:23:34and then the baby just sort of knows to suck off the goat.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37- You can imagine the Daily Mail all over that, can't you?- Well, maybe.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39- Maybe.- Goat Straddles Baby!
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Why do they have...? Why goats? Why not...?
0:23:41 > 0:23:45Well, it's a very good question. A cow is just a bit too big, I think,
0:23:45 > 0:23:48to go into a little... to go over a crib.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50You don't want a pat on the head.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52- Hey!- Hey, hey-hey!
0:23:52 > 0:23:53Hey.
0:23:55 > 0:23:5713 years!
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Been waiting for that.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04You asked about goats, and some people thought into the 19th century
0:24:04 > 0:24:07that breast milk contained not only nutrition
0:24:07 > 0:24:09but the character traits of whoever gave it.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12So if the mother was a loose woman and had given the baby
0:24:12 > 0:24:16out of wedlock, she wasn't to be trusted to give milk to her baby
0:24:16 > 0:24:19because she would be passing on her immorality to the child.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21This is how mad we once were.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24- How do they know what the goat's been up to?- Well...
0:24:24 > 0:24:27- They thought they were a better risk.- It has to be a married goat.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31It might have been an unmarried goat, you're absolutely right.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Dirty goat.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36In 1816, there was a writer who compared different milks
0:24:36 > 0:24:38and wrote the definitive book called
0:24:38 > 0:24:41The Goat Is The Best And Most Agreeable Wet Nurse.
0:24:41 > 0:24:42Others preferred donkeys,
0:24:42 > 0:24:46which are thought to have a better moral reputation.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48They are very noble, they carried our Lord.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50That's it, in Palm Sunday. Well remembered, exactly.
0:24:50 > 0:24:51Yeah, and also Mary.
0:24:51 > 0:24:55Then there was the syphilis outbreak in the 16th and 18th centuries.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57- Oh, then the party's over. - Dirty donkey.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59And goat wet nurses were used there
0:24:59 > 0:25:02and, unfortunately, though, they were used very unkindly...
0:25:02 > 0:25:05What's he up to?
0:25:05 > 0:25:07- Milking a goat!- Oh, OK, fair enough.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09"This better be for the baby!"
0:25:11 > 0:25:14I think that's a different bloke that usually does it,
0:25:14 > 0:25:16according to that goat's face.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22- "Hang on a minute, that's not the grip I'm used to."- Oops. Hello.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25"That's a bit firm!"
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Do you know what I've found mad about...?
0:25:27 > 0:25:30I don't have kids, so maybe women in the audience will know,
0:25:30 > 0:25:33but that, when you're breast-feeding your child,
0:25:33 > 0:25:35if you are, say, in a supermarket or something like that
0:25:35 > 0:25:40and someone else's baby cries, you leak, like a spider sense.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42- Yes.- Is it not true? Any women have had...?
0:25:42 > 0:25:45- Yeah, it's a...- Yeah, it is. - There's a bloke there going, "Yeah."
0:25:46 > 0:25:48"There is, mate."
0:25:48 > 0:25:50"I always leak when I hear a baby crying."
0:25:54 > 0:25:56I don't even know why that's funny.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Is that true, though? It is, isn't it?
0:25:58 > 0:26:01But if you have, you've presumably expressed into a pot and given it
0:26:01 > 0:26:03to the baby-sitter, because that's what happens, isn't it?
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Why would the baby-sitter want some?
0:26:07 > 0:26:09- There was, there was... - "Thanks a million!"
0:26:09 > 0:26:11- There was an ice cream shop... - Shot glasses.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14- "Dinner would have been fine."- "Help yourself to anything in the fridge."
0:26:14 > 0:26:17There was, for a very brief time, an ice cream shop, wasn't there,
0:26:17 > 0:26:20- here in London, which sold baby...? - Yeah, breast milk ice cream.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23- Human breast milk ice cream. - You say a very brief time,
0:26:23 > 0:26:26- because it's the worst business plan of all time.- I guess you're right.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29You try it once, I think, like incest or country dancing.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34I wish that were my own.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36You've not been to Devon, Stephen.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40I come from Norfolk, for God's sake.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42No, the sad thing about the syphilis outbreaks
0:26:42 > 0:26:44of the 16th and 18th century, is that it was believed then,
0:26:44 > 0:26:46and all the way up to the 19th century, that
0:26:46 > 0:26:49one of the cures for syphilis, a kill or cure really, was mercury.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Which is poisonous, as I'm sure you know.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55And they decided a good delivery system for babies that were born
0:26:55 > 0:26:58syphilitic was to make them
0:26:58 > 0:27:01suckle on the milk of goats that had been fed mercury.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04A lot of goats died that way, it was very unkind.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07- Did the babies die?- Probably. It probably didn't help them.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09I mean, it's not good for the brain at all, a growing brain.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12- It's good for thermometers.- It's very good for thermometers, I agree.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15These days thermometers have little ear click things and everything.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17- They've moved on.- Yes, they have.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20Yeah. Just goes in the ear, ping, like that, it's so amazing.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22- Or you can stick a thing under the armpit.- Or...
0:27:22 > 0:27:24But more difficult.
0:27:24 > 0:27:25Mmm. More fun.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31- Under the tongue.- Oh, under the tongue, under the tongue.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33What were you thinking?!
0:27:33 > 0:27:36- Nothing, nothing. - More difficult, though, for you
0:27:36 > 0:27:38to fake your temperature to get off school, though.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41- You used to stir coffee with it and things like that.- Did you?- Yeah.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43You were having coffee as a schoolboy?!
0:27:44 > 0:27:46This was at university.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50"Mother, I'm not ready for primary school,
0:27:50 > 0:27:53"I'll just have this latte and stay here."
0:27:53 > 0:27:54Oh, lawks.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58Anyway, now to bundles of love.
0:27:58 > 0:28:04Why did the Puritans want lusty young men to get into the sack?
0:28:04 > 0:28:06That picture tells a story. What's...
0:28:06 > 0:28:08- LET THERE BE LOVE PLAYS - Yes?
0:28:08 > 0:28:11I think that they... It was...
0:28:11 > 0:28:14It's to do with them not having sex, early on.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16Yes, you're right.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18Because they were Puritans and they thought sex was evil or you
0:28:18 > 0:28:21shouldn't do it, until you were married or anything like that.
0:28:21 > 0:28:26- Completely correct. - So they had a thing called bundling.
0:28:26 > 0:28:28- You're absolutely right. - Where they put them into sacks...
0:28:28 > 0:28:30- That's right.- Or something, was it? - That's right.
0:28:30 > 0:28:33So, there was getting the young man into the sack in that literal sense.
0:28:33 > 0:28:37You put the man in a sack and he could sleep next to his intended,
0:28:37 > 0:28:40or he could have a board between them, like that.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43I mean, what kind of man can't get over that?
0:28:44 > 0:28:47You've got the old hand-held drill under the covers.
0:28:52 > 0:28:55He's actually looking at that and saying, "This is more over my side."
0:28:55 > 0:28:56Yeah.
0:28:59 > 0:29:01- And does the duvet go under the...? - It does.
0:29:01 > 0:29:05You basically fit this wooden thing on once you've made the bed.
0:29:05 > 0:29:08Are you sure they haven't misread the instructions to an IKEA bed?
0:29:09 > 0:29:12The IKEA bundling kit, yeah.
0:29:13 > 0:29:16"Your corner of the bed."
0:29:16 > 0:29:18Why were they sleeping together before marriage?
0:29:18 > 0:29:20Well, I think that they did want them
0:29:20 > 0:29:22to get used to each other conversationally.
0:29:22 > 0:29:24- That's right. - Genuinely, that was it?- Yeah.
0:29:24 > 0:29:25Yeah, I believe that's the idea.
0:29:25 > 0:29:28That was bundling, an American and Dutch tradition,
0:29:28 > 0:29:31which Americans took to, particularly in Pennsylvania, where a lot of Dutch people went.
0:29:31 > 0:29:35Teenagers in sacks has a certain logic, but frogs in underpants?
0:29:35 > 0:29:37What would you do that for?
0:29:39 > 0:29:41If you run out of carrots.
0:29:44 > 0:29:48It sounds like a new game show on Channel 5, Frogs In Underpants.
0:29:48 > 0:29:50- It does, doesn't it? - That frog is smiling,
0:29:50 > 0:29:53cos of what that bloke's doing with his right hand.
0:29:53 > 0:29:55Well, actually, it's putting frogs in their own underpants,
0:29:55 > 0:30:00putting underpants on frogs is actually...
0:30:00 > 0:30:01Is it something the French do?
0:30:01 > 0:30:03To make them more appetising.
0:30:07 > 0:30:09Snap a thong on it.
0:30:10 > 0:30:13It was actually an Italian priest who did this.
0:30:13 > 0:30:14He was quite a clever fellow.
0:30:14 > 0:30:16Oh, I don't think he was.
0:30:16 > 0:30:20- He had a lot of time on his hands, though, didn't he?- Well, yes.
0:30:20 > 0:30:22Up until the 18th century, they didn't know what sperm was for.
0:30:22 > 0:30:25And why would they? It seems so obvious to us.
0:30:25 > 0:30:28So, like all good scientists, this particular fellow...
0:30:28 > 0:30:31He put a frog in some underpants.
0:30:31 > 0:30:32He was called Lazzaro Spallanzani.
0:30:32 > 0:30:34It's the obvious next step.
0:30:34 > 0:30:37So Spallanzani... Well, it is, if you think about us.
0:30:37 > 0:30:41He knew that frogs fertilised their eggs outside the female's body,
0:30:41 > 0:30:44so it's a lot simpler than doing it to an animal that actually shagged,
0:30:44 > 0:30:46you know, like we do.
0:30:46 > 0:30:48- Don't do that with your chair. - Sorry!
0:30:50 > 0:30:52You spotted me.
0:30:53 > 0:30:57It was an easy way of testing, because the females lay the eggs
0:30:57 > 0:31:00and the males come along and the eggs are fertilised.
0:31:00 > 0:31:03So he thought, "If I cover these in little taffeta pants,"
0:31:03 > 0:31:06which he put on the frogs, the frogs then tried, you know,
0:31:06 > 0:31:08and the eggs did not fertilise,
0:31:08 > 0:31:10so he was able to make the correct assumption
0:31:10 > 0:31:13that inserting the semen was necessary for fertilising eggs.
0:31:13 > 0:31:15And he extrapolated that into other animals.
0:31:15 > 0:31:17But he didn't just work on frog sperm.
0:31:17 > 0:31:20So I would say he was clever, Spallanzani.
0:31:20 > 0:31:21He also was one of the first people
0:31:21 > 0:31:24to carry out artificial insemination, on a spaniel.
0:31:24 > 0:31:27First person to suggest that bats use sound to navigate in the dark.
0:31:27 > 0:31:29He experimented on snail regenerations -
0:31:29 > 0:31:31this was slightly less kind.
0:31:31 > 0:31:33He had this idea... I think it was known that snails
0:31:33 > 0:31:35could regenerate their heads,
0:31:35 > 0:31:38so he took quite a lot of them, 423, cut all their heads off...
0:31:38 > 0:31:40- Did you say he was a priest?- Yes.
0:31:40 > 0:31:44- He wasn't doing many sermons. - Quite a lot of people were priests.
0:31:44 > 0:31:46A very small parish.
0:31:46 > 0:31:51So 423 snails, of which a fifth supposedly grew their heads back,
0:31:51 > 0:31:52which is not a lot,
0:31:52 > 0:31:55but it would be a lot more than if he had done it to humans.
0:31:57 > 0:32:00He also... This is a very extraordinary experiment,
0:32:00 > 0:32:02he tested the power of gastric juices
0:32:02 > 0:32:05by putting food in a cheesecloth bag, which he tied up,
0:32:05 > 0:32:08and then swallowed and lowered into his tummy on a string
0:32:08 > 0:32:11and then brought it up to see how much it had been...
0:32:11 > 0:32:13Yeah. How else would you do it?
0:32:13 > 0:32:15Sounds like one of those people you just would not want to get
0:32:15 > 0:32:18stuck with at a dinner party.
0:32:18 > 0:32:20"You did what? Oh, yeah, good."
0:32:20 > 0:32:23When he's getting out his cheesecloth for the dinner.
0:32:24 > 0:32:26- Tying it up.- "Excuse me."
0:32:26 > 0:32:29There might be something more unpleasant still.
0:32:29 > 0:32:32What horror was first shown in the film Psycho?
0:32:32 > 0:32:34LOVE IS ALL AROUND PLAYS
0:32:34 > 0:32:36Joshlington?
0:32:36 > 0:32:39Was it someone in the shower?
0:32:39 > 0:32:41- KLAXON BLARES - Oh!
0:32:42 > 0:32:45No, I mean, she's in the shower, but you...
0:32:45 > 0:32:50The film shoot took 30 days to film, which is very short by any Hollywood
0:32:50 > 0:32:53standards, and seven of those days were devoted to the shower scene.
0:32:53 > 0:32:57- Janet Leigh...- He actually got it in the first day, but he was...
0:32:57 > 0:33:00- He was.- "Better get Janet back to the shower."
0:33:00 > 0:33:02LET THERE BE LOVE PLAYS
0:33:02 > 0:33:04Yes, you're right!
0:33:04 > 0:33:06- There was a toilet in the shower scene.- Yes.
0:33:06 > 0:33:08- Is that it?- Yeah.
0:33:08 > 0:33:11TOILET FLUSHES
0:33:14 > 0:33:16It's not just that there is one, it's the first time one had been
0:33:16 > 0:33:19seen flushed with the water going round.
0:33:19 > 0:33:21It spirals down the lavatory.
0:33:21 > 0:33:25The film is black and white, there's the murderer, we won't say who,
0:33:25 > 0:33:26they or he or she is.
0:33:26 > 0:33:28And it's considered a masterpiece now,
0:33:28 > 0:33:31but particularly the Bernard Herrmann score which...
0:33:31 > 0:33:32"Ee-ee-ee-ee..."
0:33:32 > 0:33:35Didn't they make a shot-for-shot remake of Psycho?
0:33:35 > 0:33:38- They did. What a disastrous idea. - Why would you...?- Colour.
0:33:38 > 0:33:39- Oh, colour.- It was in colour.
0:33:39 > 0:33:42There's a whole generation of people who if they are channel surfing
0:33:42 > 0:33:44and they see something in black and white,
0:33:44 > 0:33:46will never stop to look at it,
0:33:46 > 0:33:49which is extraordinary, given that probably most of the best films...
0:33:49 > 0:33:52- Not even Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid?! - Probably. Most of the best films
0:33:52 > 0:33:57- ever made are in black and white. It just seems so extraordinary.- Not even Broadway Danny Rose?!- I know!
0:33:57 > 0:33:58- Idiots.- Elephant Man.
0:33:58 > 0:34:02Why did you point at me when you said "Elephant Man"?
0:34:02 > 0:34:04"Or Elephant Man."
0:34:06 > 0:34:08"Good to have you show, John."
0:34:10 > 0:34:13That was purely accidental.
0:34:13 > 0:34:17Anyway, Psycho was the first film to feature a flushing lavatory.
0:34:17 > 0:34:18From flushing to blushing.
0:34:18 > 0:34:22Why did half the brides in London go to prison?
0:34:22 > 0:34:23Because it's...
0:34:23 > 0:34:26LOVE AND MARRIAGE PLAYS
0:34:26 > 0:34:29Because women like a bad boy.
0:34:29 > 0:34:30Well, that is a syndrome, of course.
0:34:30 > 0:34:33You're absolutely right, there are women who fall into...
0:34:33 > 0:34:36LET THERE BE LOVE PLAYS
0:34:36 > 0:34:39They used to have weddings sometimes in prisons.
0:34:39 > 0:34:43They did. And there was a good reason for that, we're going back...
0:34:43 > 0:34:46- 150 years?- Probably even more than that, actually, we're talking the
0:34:46 > 0:34:4918th-century, cos there was a law brought in to stop it happening.
0:34:49 > 0:34:51Essentially, there were certain kinds of prisons.
0:34:51 > 0:34:54Obviously, there were prisons where people were sent
0:34:54 > 0:34:55for committing crimes.
0:34:55 > 0:34:58But you were in prison, really commonly...
0:34:58 > 0:35:01- Charles Dickens' father is an example...- For debt.
0:35:01 > 0:35:02For debt, exactly.
0:35:02 > 0:35:05The most famous debtors prisons, one was the Marshalsea,
0:35:05 > 0:35:08which is where Little Dorrit is set, where Charles Dickens' father was,
0:35:08 > 0:35:11and the other was called Fleet Prison.
0:35:11 > 0:35:13Fleet Prison was the most popular for this.
0:35:13 > 0:35:15And there's a picture of it, it had a yard,
0:35:15 > 0:35:17and people were more or less free...
0:35:17 > 0:35:21They went a bit far with that wall, don't you think?
0:35:21 > 0:35:25"No, higher than that. Higher. I've seen them jump, they can jump.
0:35:25 > 0:35:29"They can make ladders out of shoes, I've seen them. Higher."
0:35:29 > 0:35:32Alan, it's because they kept losing their ball over the wall.
0:35:34 > 0:35:36They could get out the top window.
0:35:36 > 0:35:38Quite a lot of the people who got into debt were priests,
0:35:38 > 0:35:41and they didn't get defrocked for it, it wasn't a defrockable offence,
0:35:41 > 0:35:43so they didn't get cast out of the church,
0:35:43 > 0:35:46so they retained their ability, their licence, to marry.
0:35:46 > 0:35:49So, if you wanted to get married in a hurry,
0:35:49 > 0:35:51you went to an indebted priest and, you know,
0:35:51 > 0:35:54he wouldn't charge that much and it would go against his debt,
0:35:54 > 0:35:56the debt that he had to pay to get out of prison.
0:35:56 > 0:35:58So it all worked very nicely.
0:35:58 > 0:36:02If you're in debt, how do you get out of prison?
0:36:02 > 0:36:06Your family or someone eventually raises the money.
0:36:06 > 0:36:08So you're basically kept as a kind of hostage,
0:36:08 > 0:36:10it's a miserable business.
0:36:10 > 0:36:12I mean, it doesn't look that miserable.
0:36:12 > 0:36:15It just looks like an advert for, "Come to prison!"
0:36:16 > 0:36:18You were pretty much allowed to mingle.
0:36:18 > 0:36:21Children, brothers and sisters, a visiting day was available.
0:36:21 > 0:36:23If you read Little Dorrit, you'll see that his father
0:36:23 > 0:36:26was kind of the king of the Marshalsea - he had the best rooms
0:36:26 > 0:36:28and he was treated as if he was a great gentleman.
0:36:28 > 0:36:32- That would be worth... Think how much that property would be worth in London now.- Oh, goodness me.
0:36:32 > 0:36:34For the wall alone!
0:36:34 > 0:36:37Lot of outside space, it's lovely.
0:36:37 > 0:36:40They don't get tennis rackets in prisons these days, do they?
0:36:40 > 0:36:42They're all out playing tennis.
0:36:42 > 0:36:44They don't go to the warder and just say,
0:36:44 > 0:36:46- "I'm just off for a game of tennis. - It's true.
0:36:46 > 0:36:49There's a person in the bottom left, are they smoking a crack pipe?
0:36:50 > 0:36:52I think they are.
0:36:52 > 0:36:56Fleet weddings were brought to an end by 1753 by Lord Hardwicke,
0:36:56 > 0:36:59his Marriage Act, so after that most people
0:36:59 > 0:37:02who wanted an irregular marriage, as it was called, went to...
0:37:02 > 0:37:04Where did they have to go to to get married in a hurry?
0:37:04 > 0:37:07- Gretna Green. - Gretna Green is the right answer.
0:37:07 > 0:37:08The nearest they could get to.
0:37:08 > 0:37:11Just over the Scottish border, where law is different.
0:37:11 > 0:37:13The effect of the Act was that it got rid of this idea
0:37:13 > 0:37:15of a common-law marriage. So for 250 years,
0:37:15 > 0:37:18there's been no such thing as a common-law marriage,
0:37:18 > 0:37:20although over 60% of people asked
0:37:20 > 0:37:22if there is such a thing as a common-law marriage
0:37:22 > 0:37:27believe there is. But it has no basis in law at all. No standing.
0:37:27 > 0:37:30Now, it's time to clear the blockage of received wisdom with
0:37:30 > 0:37:32the plunger of general ignorance.
0:37:32 > 0:37:33So fingers on buzzers, please.
0:37:33 > 0:37:36What should a Welshman wear in his hat on St David's Day?
0:37:36 > 0:37:39LET THERE BE LOVE PLAYS
0:37:39 > 0:37:40- Yes?- A daffodil.
0:37:40 > 0:37:43- KLAXON BLARES - Hmm.
0:37:43 > 0:37:46Well, if it's not, it's got to be a leek, right? It's got to be a leek.
0:37:46 > 0:37:49KLAXON BLARES
0:37:49 > 0:37:52What about cheese on toast? Is it going to be cheese on toast?
0:37:52 > 0:37:54- Is it a dragon?- A Welsh rabbit.
0:37:54 > 0:37:56We've been rather unfair there, of course,
0:37:56 > 0:37:58because Welsh people do wear leeks on their heads,
0:37:58 > 0:38:01but we're going way back to the original battle they fought
0:38:01 > 0:38:03where supposedly they wore leeks to distinguish themselves.
0:38:03 > 0:38:06You can see, if that's the Royal Welsh Regiment or whoever, with,
0:38:06 > 0:38:08what look more like actually...
0:38:08 > 0:38:10I've never seen the Queen so happy. Why is she so happy?
0:38:10 > 0:38:14- She really does look thrilled. - What's that bloke said to her about his hat? She loves that.
0:38:14 > 0:38:16There's something about it.
0:38:16 > 0:38:18"They've all got leeks on their hats!
0:38:19 > 0:38:22HE MIMICS THE QUEEN'S LAUGH
0:38:24 > 0:38:27- She's probably saying... - "They're Welsh, ha-ha!"
0:38:27 > 0:38:29She's probably saying, "They don't know
0:38:29 > 0:38:31"that they're actually spring onions!"
0:38:31 > 0:38:33They look a lot more like spring onions.
0:38:33 > 0:38:37Well, there's a whole issue about whether or not they were leeks,
0:38:37 > 0:38:39and Alan Davidson - close name -
0:38:39 > 0:38:41author of the Oxford Dictionary Of Food...
0:38:41 > 0:38:43Never liked him.
0:38:43 > 0:38:46He claims that leeks as we know them didn't arrive in Britain
0:38:46 > 0:38:49for much longer after the Battle of Heathfield, where the Welsh,
0:38:49 > 0:38:51who beat the Saxons there,
0:38:51 > 0:38:54believed that they first wore leeks to identify themselves.
0:38:54 > 0:38:55In Anglo-Saxon,
0:38:55 > 0:38:58the suffix 'leac' meant any member of the onion family.
0:38:58 > 0:39:01So 'enneleac' was an onion and 'garleac' was garlic.
0:39:01 > 0:39:04So they might have sported something like garlic, which is slightly more
0:39:04 > 0:39:07light and practical than certainly a fully-grown leek.
0:39:07 > 0:39:08The Museum Of Wales thinks that
0:39:08 > 0:39:11actual leeks may have been brought over by the Romans.
0:39:11 > 0:39:12So there's dispute, really, to be honest,
0:39:12 > 0:39:14we just wanted to take points away from you.
0:39:14 > 0:39:17Anyway, it's possible that the national emblem of Wales should
0:39:17 > 0:39:18really be a garlic.
0:39:18 > 0:39:20There's a layer of the atmosphere which protects us
0:39:20 > 0:39:23from ultraviolet radiation.
0:39:23 > 0:39:24What's it made of?
0:39:26 > 0:39:27Hint, it has a hole in it.
0:39:27 > 0:39:29- LOVE AND MARRIAGE PLAYS - Yes?
0:39:29 > 0:39:31Ozone.
0:39:31 > 0:39:35- KLAXON BLARES - No! What are the odds?
0:39:35 > 0:39:37What are the odds?
0:39:37 > 0:39:39Because it is called the ozone layer,
0:39:39 > 0:39:41but it is neither a layer nor made primarily of ozone,
0:39:41 > 0:39:44which is very mean of scientists to do that to us.
0:39:44 > 0:39:45We wouldn't even know it existed.
0:39:45 > 0:39:48It's named after the Irish family, the Zones, or the O'Zones.
0:39:48 > 0:39:50- The O'Zones.- Yeah.
0:39:50 > 0:39:52The O'Zones have moved in next door.
0:39:53 > 0:39:56It's only 15 parts per million, ozone.
0:39:56 > 0:39:59Do you know what the chemical formula for ozone is?
0:39:59 > 0:40:01Yeah, but I'm not going to tell you.
0:40:01 > 0:40:03- It's O3.- Oh.
0:40:03 > 0:40:06Yes, it's a pale blue form of oxygen, with a very pungent smell.
0:40:06 > 0:40:09At nought degrees Celsius and normal atmospheric pressure,
0:40:09 > 0:40:11all the ozone in the sky would cover the earth
0:40:11 > 0:40:13to a depth of just three millimetres.
0:40:13 > 0:40:14Under the same conditions,
0:40:14 > 0:40:18the rest of the air would make a layer five miles thick.
0:40:18 > 0:40:19That's how rare it is.
0:40:19 > 0:40:21And, finally, here's one for surf lovers.
0:40:21 > 0:40:24Where can you find the biggest waves in the world?
0:40:24 > 0:40:25LOVE IS ALL AROUND PLAYS
0:40:25 > 0:40:28- Widdicombe?- Erm, Hawaii.
0:40:28 > 0:40:31- KLAXON BLARES - Oh!
0:40:31 > 0:40:33Dear, oh, dear.
0:40:33 > 0:40:35- Newquay.- Sorry, where?
0:40:35 > 0:40:37- KLAXON BLARES - Oh!
0:40:37 > 0:40:41Oh, Newquay. Oh, dear.
0:40:41 > 0:40:44- The Indian Ocean? - No. Well, possibly, yeah.
0:40:44 > 0:40:46- Malibu.- Malibu, well...
0:40:46 > 0:40:48I was just on a hat-trick, I thought I'd go for it.
0:40:48 > 0:40:51There is good surfing to be had there on the Californian coast.
0:40:51 > 0:40:54But let's forget coasts, let's forget Australian coasts
0:40:54 > 0:40:55and any other coast.
0:40:55 > 0:40:58Is it going to be a different type of wave?
0:40:58 > 0:41:01It is... No, it's a water, seawater, wave, but it's underwater.
0:41:01 > 0:41:05- The biggest waves are actually sub-surface waves.- Oh...
0:41:05 > 0:41:09"Oh..." He's so disappointed. It was satellites that showed us.
0:41:09 > 0:41:11We didn't know until satellite photography.
0:41:11 > 0:41:14And there are lots of drowned surfers on them.
0:41:14 > 0:41:16Well, they'd be very hard to surf,
0:41:16 > 0:41:19because they really go incredibly slow, they crawl along,
0:41:19 > 0:41:22a few centimetres a second, so a few metres an hour, I think.
0:41:22 > 0:41:26And a tsunami, on the other hand, which is obviously a gigantic wave,
0:41:26 > 0:41:28is Japanese for "harbour wave".
0:41:28 > 0:41:31Because we say tidal wave, but tidal wave isn't correct,
0:41:31 > 0:41:33because it isn't tidal.
0:41:33 > 0:41:35Tsunamis result from earthquakes, landslides and volcanoes,
0:41:35 > 0:41:36as we probably know.
0:41:36 > 0:41:40In the open ocean, the waves are about only 300 millimetres high,
0:41:40 > 0:41:42but with a very long wave length,
0:41:42 > 0:41:44sometimes hundreds of kilometres apart.
0:41:44 > 0:41:46As they approach land, the sea gets shallower,
0:41:46 > 0:41:48and that's what pushes them up.
0:41:48 > 0:41:51Oh. How fast is a tsunami? Because he is not going to...
0:41:51 > 0:41:54He's not going to make it, I'm afraid. No, he's not.
0:41:54 > 0:41:57Especially with three sharks on their way.
0:41:57 > 0:42:00And what with him not having any feet is another problem.
0:42:00 > 0:42:02That's really going to slow him down.
0:42:03 > 0:42:06Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. Well, before it gets any sicker,
0:42:06 > 0:42:08the world's biggest waves are underwater.
0:42:08 > 0:42:10And so, finally, to the scores, which
0:42:10 > 0:42:12if you're lucky will be love-all.
0:42:12 > 0:42:15Well, they aren't. They're fascinating, though.
0:42:15 > 0:42:17He did run into the wall several times,
0:42:17 > 0:42:21the tousled tow-headed dear from Devon,
0:42:21 > 0:42:25minus 36 points in fourth place is Josh Widdicombe.
0:42:30 > 0:42:34How relieved is our third placer, on minus seven, Alan Davies.
0:42:34 > 0:42:37Thank you very much. Minus seven.
0:42:37 > 0:42:39Pretty good.
0:42:39 > 0:42:41Aisling just ahead on minus six.
0:42:41 > 0:42:43Whoo-hoo!
0:42:47 > 0:42:49On plus seven, it's Tony Hawks.
0:42:50 > 0:42:52- Bravo.- Thank you very much.
0:42:56 > 0:43:00So, it's good night from Aisling, Tony, Josh, Alan and me.
0:43:00 > 0:43:02And I leave you with the last words of English essayist
0:43:02 > 0:43:04Lady Mary Wortley Montagu -
0:43:04 > 0:43:06"It's all been very interesting."
0:43:06 > 0:43:08Good night.