0:00:30 > 0:00:32Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:32 > 0:00:35good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:35 > 0:00:41good evening and welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to QI,
0:00:41 > 0:00:45where this week we're looking at ladies and gentlemen.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47And we have a pair of each.
0:00:47 > 0:00:48A decorous Kathy Lette.
0:00:48 > 0:00:53APPLAUSE
0:00:53 > 0:00:58A distinguee Sue Perkins.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00APPLAUSE
0:01:03 > 0:01:06A dashing Ross Noble.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09APPLAUSE
0:01:12 > 0:01:15And a-dorable Alan Davies.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17APPLAUSE
0:01:20 > 0:01:23So let's listen to the ladies.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Kathy goes...
0:01:25 > 0:01:29# Three times a lady... #
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Ah. And that's Lionel, who has two Ls himself.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34And Sue goes... It's also libellous. Yeah, libellous.
0:01:34 > 0:01:35Sue goes...
0:01:35 > 0:01:39# Oh, yes, it's ladies' night And the feeling's right
0:01:39 > 0:01:42# Oh, yes, it's ladies' night... #
0:01:42 > 0:01:43And lo, the gentlemen.
0:01:43 > 0:01:44Ross goes...
0:01:44 > 0:01:47# I'm a man
0:01:47 > 0:01:55# I spell M-A-N... #
0:01:55 > 0:01:58LAUGHTER
0:01:58 > 0:01:59Good blues harping.
0:01:59 > 0:02:03No, no, that was me adjusting my dentures. Oh, right.
0:02:03 > 0:02:04And Alan goes...
0:02:04 > 0:02:07# Boys and girls come out to play
0:02:07 > 0:02:11# The moon is shining as bright as day... #
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Aw, that's sweet.
0:02:13 > 0:02:18Now don't forget our L series Spend A Penny joker.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20JINGLE
0:02:20 > 0:02:22FLUSHING
0:02:23 > 0:02:25So, if you play your joker
0:02:25 > 0:02:27because you think that the answer to the question
0:02:27 > 0:02:30is something to do with the lavatory, you'll get extra points.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Right, now, ladies first.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Oh, you smoothie.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Oh! Why shouldn't you have the vote?
0:02:37 > 0:02:40LAUGHTER That's a nice way to start, isn't it?
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Finally. Your true colours, Stephen.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Because we'll find out the size of your election? No.
0:02:45 > 0:02:46Hey, hey, very good.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49You must be talking about, are you talking about in suffragette days?
0:02:49 > 0:02:51What they... Yes. OK.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54What were the reasons advanced for women not being given the vote?
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Well, I mean, it's unnecessary, isn't it?
0:02:56 > 0:03:00I imagine it was the aristocracy that were the most fervently against.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04Oddly enough, in the days of the suffragette movement, possibly,
0:03:04 > 0:03:07you could argue, it was socialists who had the most objection.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Because the suffragette movement
0:03:09 > 0:03:13only asked for votes for property-owning women.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15And the socialists regarded that as deeply wrong.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Because they said, well, that would just stuff parliament
0:03:18 > 0:03:21with even more bourgeoisie. We wouldn't want that. Yeah.
0:03:21 > 0:03:26And, in fact, a lot of the enemies of the votes for women were...?
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Were women. Were women, exactly. Yeah. There you are.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32These are the women against it and they didn't want it.
0:03:32 > 0:03:33It's the one behind going...
0:03:33 > 0:03:34LAUGHTER
0:03:35 > 0:03:37I'm late, I'm late!
0:03:37 > 0:03:40For a lobotomy. Yeah, the one behind has a hammer, which is
0:03:40 > 0:03:43obviously trying to suggest... Yes, she's off to perform a...
0:03:43 > 0:03:45But there was sort of the Stockholm Syndrome.
0:03:45 > 0:03:46That they were brainwashed.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48They'd been brought up to be decorative and demure. Yeah.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50And they had this idea they had to be home
0:03:50 > 0:03:51looking after the children
0:03:51 > 0:03:54and being domesticated and doing the home cooking.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Home cooking, that place where a husband thinks his wife is. Yes.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00So... And also I think they were, the women who thought that way,
0:04:00 > 0:04:03obviously they were also a bit braindead because of the corsetry.
0:04:03 > 0:04:04Their corsets were so tight,
0:04:04 > 0:04:08it had cut off all circulation to the brain.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12Do you know where Constance Wilde, Oscar Wilde's wife, comes into this?
0:04:12 > 0:04:14No. She was a very, very leading figure
0:04:14 > 0:04:17in a movement which was a precursor to Votes For Women,
0:04:17 > 0:04:19which was called the Rational Dress Society.
0:04:19 > 0:04:20Oh, yes. Oh, right. Yeah. Yeah.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Women in Victorian eras, as you say, were corseted
0:04:22 > 0:04:25to within an inch of their life. They could barely breathe.
0:04:25 > 0:04:26And they wanted to loosen out.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28And that's why they would faint so often,
0:04:28 > 0:04:30in hot dinners and parties and things, balls.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33But what you could do is, as the blood was cut off,
0:04:33 > 0:04:35you could turn them upside down... LAUGHTER
0:04:35 > 0:04:38And then it would rush to their legs... And make an egg timer.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40And you could have a lovely egg. Yeah. Yeah.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42The three-minute lady. Yeah.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45And Constance Lloyd, then Wilde as she was, very intelligent,
0:04:45 > 0:04:47splendid woman, she was one of the first to say,
0:04:47 > 0:04:49well, we should wear rational dress, you know.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Straight, loose clothing that doesn't constrict us.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54And that kind of was symbolic of a wider constriction
0:04:54 > 0:04:58that existed in society, in terms of what they were allowed to do.
0:04:58 > 0:04:59And it was a self-fulfilling prophecy.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Because women were not in engineering, were not in politics,
0:05:02 > 0:05:05were not in anything involving the colonial system...
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Therefore it was said, well, but they know nothing about politics.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11They know nothing about... Therefore they shouldn't vote.
0:05:11 > 0:05:12But it's because they...
0:05:12 > 0:05:14But there should have been something, when she sort of,
0:05:14 > 0:05:17you know, brought this up as a thing, rational dress,
0:05:17 > 0:05:18she should have gone,
0:05:18 > 0:05:21"But in the future, leggings must be approached with caution."
0:05:21 > 0:05:24LAUGHTER That's the... That's true. Yeah.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Because there are certain people who, I think,
0:05:26 > 0:05:29if you're not fighting crime - no, thanks to the Spandex.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34Well, look at Spanx. Spanx are back, like corsets, aren't they?
0:05:34 > 0:05:36What are Spanx? Oh, Spanx are life-savers.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38They just move it around. What are Spanx?
0:05:38 > 0:05:40It's basically anatomy roulette.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42It's like, put them on, who knows where it'll end up?
0:05:42 > 0:05:43What is a Spanx?
0:05:43 > 0:05:45They're these tight pants that some women wear
0:05:45 > 0:05:47to hold all their little bits of flesh in.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49But, honestly, they're a contraceptive,
0:05:49 > 0:05:52because once you get them on, you can never get them off again.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54But the best thing about Spanx is, is if you go to a wedding
0:05:54 > 0:05:57and at the start of the night there's these,
0:05:57 > 0:05:59loads of women just looking amazing,
0:05:59 > 0:06:01then they get a few drinks in them, have a bit of a dance
0:06:01 > 0:06:04and then just boobs start appearing in different places.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06LAUGHTER And you go, "Have you got leg boobs?
0:06:06 > 0:06:08"I didn't know you could have leg boobs."
0:06:08 > 0:06:11It does, it moves the boobs. It just, whoa, there's one.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13And then you, look, I've got, I've got a side boob,
0:06:13 > 0:06:15and then push that and then boom, out there.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18And you get a nice shoulder tit. What, hey? Oh, oh, oh!
0:06:18 > 0:06:20So what is it, is this like a body tube?
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Wow!
0:06:22 > 0:06:25So, anyway, just to sort of sum up what's happening here.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Um... LAUGHTER
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Are you referring to what's happening in my Spanx right now?
0:06:31 > 0:06:34The pro-suffrage movement was divided against itself.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38There was the suffragists, who followed the Liberal Party,
0:06:38 > 0:06:40and then there were the suffragettes, as you can see there,
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Mrs Pankhurst being the most famous,
0:06:42 > 0:06:44and they believed in smashing windows,
0:06:44 > 0:06:47chaining themselves to railings, and in the worst possible case,
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Emily Davidson, deliberate or not, throwing herself
0:06:49 > 0:06:52in front of the King's horse and dying. It looked pretty deliberate.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Although I don't suppose she intended to die.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56I think she intended to stop the horse.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58There's the saddest thing, at the British Library
0:06:58 > 0:07:01they've got her purse and in her purse is a return ticket.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Which, was she... But was she just being female and thinking,
0:07:04 > 0:07:06"Oh, it's cheaper to get the return"?
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Presumably, I don't know if this is true, but if, but pre-suffrage,
0:07:10 > 0:07:13would women have been seen as sort of goods and chattels?
0:07:13 > 0:07:17So if they did something wrong, would it then, would the husband be liable?
0:07:17 > 0:07:20What a fabulously good idea. No, no, they'd just be...
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Speaking as criminal stock, you know. They'd just be burned.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Well, burned is... That's going a long way back.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27They would be burnt or ducked.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Or tried as witch or something like that.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31But actually, Stephen, I don't think...
0:07:31 > 0:07:32It's amazing women got the vote,
0:07:32 > 0:07:34it's amazing they went out to protest.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Women weren't supposed to go out without a chaperone.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38If you did, you were seen as a prostitute.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40We're a couple of slappers being here right now.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42I suppose the most amazing thing is those women who existed
0:07:42 > 0:07:45before the vote, who managed to achieve things.
0:07:45 > 0:07:46The trouble is, you could name them
0:07:46 > 0:07:48almost on the fingers of a pair of hands,
0:07:48 > 0:07:50the women who managed to break through,
0:07:50 > 0:07:54what was not a glass ceiling, but basically a rock ceiling, you know.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Yeah, and they had crazy ideas.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59There was one professor who said that women shouldn't be educated
0:07:59 > 0:08:02and shouldn't vote because it would mean their brains would grow.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04And if their brains grew,
0:08:04 > 0:08:06their wombs would shrink. They would vote for Nigel Farage.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09And he based that evidence on the fact that women who were educated
0:08:09 > 0:08:11didn't have children, mainly because we were smart enough
0:08:11 > 0:08:14to know that, you know, our careers would end.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17He clearly didn't foresee the Katie Price scenario then, did he?
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Well, we seem to have covered that very well.
0:08:21 > 0:08:22The fact is, strange as it seems to us today,
0:08:22 > 0:08:25many women were against votes for women.
0:08:25 > 0:08:30When did women first get the vote in Britain, do you know? Either of you?
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Either side? '21. '21?
0:08:32 > 0:08:341920, I think.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36'20...
0:08:36 > 0:08:38KLAXON Oh, the '20s generally,
0:08:38 > 0:08:40I'm afraid, get the klaxon. Oh, dear.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Oh, dear, oh, dear. It's actually rather surprising.
0:08:43 > 0:08:48You may think, of course, they were enfranchised, more or less
0:08:48 > 0:08:51by the 1920s after the contribution
0:08:51 > 0:08:53they clearly gave to the First World War.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56It was nigh on impossible to doubt that they had earned the right.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58But the first was in 1867.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01The first woman to vote, so far as we know,
0:09:01 > 0:09:05in the entire United Kingdom, was one Lily Maxwell in Manchester.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07And she was a ratepayer.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10And the law then was that ratepayers were allowed to vote.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13And it never occurred to the good burghers of Manchester
0:09:13 > 0:09:16that a female ratepayer would take it up and vote
0:09:16 > 0:09:18because there just wasn't a rule.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20It's like saying rabbits cannot vote.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23And if a rabbit turned up and voted, you'd say, "Oh, gosh, there's no law
0:09:23 > 0:09:24"that says rabbits can't vote."
0:09:24 > 0:09:27That's what it was like to the Victorians. They closed that
0:09:27 > 0:09:31loophole very quickly, but a few women snuck in under the wire
0:09:31 > 0:09:32and voted, 1867.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36When did the law that prohibited women from doing that come in?
0:09:36 > 0:09:40Very shortly afterwards? It was the following year, 1868.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44That is quick. They really stamped that out. And they burned them. Yep.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Get on the pyre.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Is that fella there, in the blue shirt,
0:09:50 > 0:09:52is he wearing a false beard, by any chance?
0:09:52 > 0:09:56You can see the straps there. That's a woman.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59He's there going, "Yeah, yeah, you can have the vote there!
0:10:01 > 0:10:03"Don't tell anyone. I'm a woman."
0:10:03 > 0:10:07Must be a woman because she's got a box of chocolates next to her.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12We can't go to the polling station without confectionery. Absolutely.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Who said this?
0:10:14 > 0:10:18"Nothing would induce me to vote for giving women the franchise."
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Said in 1905.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23Churchill. Who? I bet it's a woman. Churchill.
0:10:23 > 0:10:24Is the right answer!
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Yes, I'm afraid so.
0:10:31 > 0:10:32Yes, he did say that.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35He was not, let's face it, the most liberal and progressive man
0:10:35 > 0:10:37when it came to Empire and things like that,
0:10:37 > 0:10:39marvellous as he was in all kinds of other ways.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41So, "We will fight them on the beaches" was originally something
0:10:41 > 0:10:45he said about women, he just modified it. We'll fight them on the bitches. Bitches!
0:10:46 > 0:10:50ALAN: Supposedly, he did not say, "Golf is a good walk spoiled."
0:10:50 > 0:10:52That was somebody else. Mark Twain, I've always heard.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Apparently not Mark Twain either.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57It's what's known as Churchillian drift.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00It's all these witty remarks get attributed to
0:11:00 > 0:11:03people like Churchill, Noel Coward, Oscar Wilde, Mark Twain...
0:11:03 > 0:11:08Stephen Fry. George Bernard Shaw. It's always, like...
0:11:08 > 0:11:11it's always the real highfalutin one, isn't it,
0:11:11 > 0:11:15the real amazing bits of wit that then get attributed to somebody else.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18It's never, like, Cannon and Ball, is it? No!
0:11:18 > 0:11:20I think it was Churchill who once said,
0:11:20 > 0:11:22"Oh, Tommy, you've got me skin."
0:11:24 > 0:11:29IMPERSONATES: I've got my eye on you! I've got my eye on you! Rock on. Right.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31I mean, that was Churchill, wasn't it?
0:11:31 > 0:11:33I believe it was...
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Now, I've got some little toys for you to play with.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39What would you use them for? Oh, hello.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43You can have the blue one.
0:11:45 > 0:11:49Well... Hello? Hello? It's an alarm key.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51LOUD WHIRRING
0:11:51 > 0:11:55Ah, you've pressed the button. That's a very good start.
0:11:55 > 0:11:56It's the world's worst rape alarm.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00If you're wearing a microphone,
0:12:00 > 0:12:02it sounds like a million voles having a heart attack.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04If you can hold them away from the mics,
0:12:04 > 0:12:06because you're sending the audience mad.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09I can't turn it off! No. Yes, you can. Just leave it.
0:12:09 > 0:12:13It's a tiny stadium audience in a box.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15And you just go, "Good evening, Wembley!"
0:12:15 > 0:12:17It seems to be white noise.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19This is what it's trying to do. Oh, go on.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21SOUND OF RUSHING WATER
0:12:21 > 0:12:23That's just frightening. Oh, that's better.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25That's like a toilet.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Yeah. Why, is the word?
0:12:28 > 0:12:31Why would you want to replicate the sound of a flushing toilet
0:12:31 > 0:12:32wherever you go?
0:12:32 > 0:12:35More to the point, why has Stephen got an app on his phone?
0:12:35 > 0:12:37LAUGHTER
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Because there is nothing I wouldn't do to make things clear for you,
0:12:40 > 0:12:42because of my love for you all.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Is it to make people urinate after an operation or something?
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Yes, it's not exactly to make people urinate.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51It's designed by the Japanese for the Japanese.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Oh, to cover the sound of yourself in the toilet, you put it on.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Yes, I bet that's it.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58You could have played your Spend A Pennies here.
0:12:58 > 0:12:59Oh, I could have done. Oh, we could.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02It's to cover the noise of peeing.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Because Japanese are traditionally rather pee-shy,
0:13:05 > 0:13:07and it's called a Sound Princess.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10A Sound Princess! LAUGHTER
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Oh, that's marvellous.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14They're actually built into some lavatories in Japan,
0:13:14 > 0:13:16but these are the ones for if you don't have a built-in one.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19"This clever little key chain gadget from Japan
0:13:19 > 0:13:22"solves a real problem for those that are shy,
0:13:22 > 0:13:26"namely the embarrassing sounds of our noises as we go to the bathroom.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29"Push the button and 25 seconds of continuous sounds
0:13:29 > 0:13:31"of a running refilling toilet permeate the room
0:13:31 > 0:13:33"in a natural, unobtrusive way."
0:13:33 > 0:13:3525 seconds! It's just going to run out.
0:13:35 > 0:13:3825 seconds is not going to do it. "Masking the sounds you make..."
0:13:38 > 0:13:42It finishes and then you hear... HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Yeah. Do they do another one for sort of number twos,
0:13:44 > 0:13:47the sound of sort of an avalanche or something? You'd think so.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49"Press it again, press it again." RASPBERRY
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Well, push the button again for another 25 seconds of bliss.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54"I've dropped it!" RASPBERRY
0:13:55 > 0:13:57You mean in the cubicles.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59I thought you had to hang it off your downstairs.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Oh, no!
0:14:01 > 0:14:04And then you're stood at the urinal, just weeing.
0:14:04 > 0:14:05The fella next to you hears.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08"Why is there cheering coming from the...?"
0:14:10 > 0:14:12"We will rock you!"
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Imagine that whacking off your plums.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22It comes in three colour-ways. We've got two.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24"It comes pink with a cute little heart,
0:14:24 > 0:14:26"for the inner girl in every woman."
0:14:26 > 0:14:29But this is... I don't want... Do you have an inner girl?
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Well, not with that in it, no. No, you don't. No.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34"Baby blue with a ribbon for that free and fresh feeling." Yeah.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37"And a white Save The Earth unisex model for both men and women."
0:14:37 > 0:14:38But it's an Eco Otome,
0:14:38 > 0:14:42because it saves you having to flush the loo to disguise your noise.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45So you're saving water, in theory.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49Why don't you just go into the cubicle, close the door,
0:14:49 > 0:14:53you hear somebody come in, just go, "Brace yourself!"
0:14:54 > 0:14:56He'll go, "Oh, no, I'm not having this." And leave.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01But also the sound of that, you turn that on and you hear...
0:15:01 > 0:15:03MAKES FAINT GROWLING NOISE
0:15:03 > 0:15:05The person - it's Japan, isn't it -
0:15:05 > 0:15:07what's the first thing they're going to think of?
0:15:07 > 0:15:09"Hang on, I can hear Godzilla."
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Another person might be halfway through their business.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16"Oh, my God, Godzilla's here." And then runs out.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20The floor gets slippy, they fly over, smash their head,
0:15:20 > 0:15:23and it leads to all kinds of... It's a health and safety nightmare.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26This should be banned. It should be off the shelves.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29I'm writing to Watchdog.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31I took my children to the toilet today...
0:15:34 > 0:15:35Yes? They're 18 and 19.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37And we all went in, we were all in a cubicle together.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39They're two and four. Right.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41And then someone went into the next door cubicle and started
0:15:41 > 0:15:45going about some, obviously some quite serious business.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48After about four minutes of this, my little girl started saying,
0:15:48 > 0:15:51"Oh, oh, that stinks!
0:15:53 > 0:15:57"Oh, that's terrible! It's really smelly in here! Oh!
0:15:57 > 0:16:00"That's awful!"
0:16:00 > 0:16:03If only you'd had this! Princess poo! If only you'd had your princess.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06And I could hear the person in the next cubicle laughing.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Where was the loo?
0:16:10 > 0:16:12The O2 Centre on the Finchley Road.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Oh, no. Oh, look, was it you?
0:16:15 > 0:16:19It was me. I know the very one.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Well, there's only one other thing that's vaguely connected to this,
0:16:22 > 0:16:26and that's the architect, Sir Edmund Beckett, the 1st Baron Grimthorpe,
0:16:26 > 0:16:30and he was considered the best locksmith of the century.
0:16:30 > 0:16:34And he hated it when people didn't pull the flush in his lavatory.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37So he set it up such that if you went into his loo
0:16:37 > 0:16:42and locked the door, then if you didn't flush, you couldn't get out.
0:16:42 > 0:16:43It was locked.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Only when you flushed did it unlock the door.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Isn't that brilliant? That is quite brilliant. Yeah.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51And maybe, for the ladies' sake, it would be the same
0:16:51 > 0:16:54if you lifted the seat or lowered it, rather than lifted it.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Which is it you like? I always forget.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Well, we like it where you do the wee in the hole bit. Oh, really?
0:16:59 > 0:17:02As opposed to all the way round. That never occurred to me.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06Just the rest of the toilet, anywhere in the rest of the toilet.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08It takes all the fun out of it.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10I suppose we could try that, couldn't we?
0:17:10 > 0:17:13The difference between the sexes here is that men seem to think
0:17:13 > 0:17:15sitting on the toilet is a leisure activity,
0:17:15 > 0:17:18which women just don't get that, do we? No, you're quite quick about it.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Yes. Who wants to stay in there?
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Well, maybes if you weren't outside the door giving it all that...
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Well now... I am joking.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29I am joking. I am joking.
0:17:29 > 0:17:30Of course you are.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Who made the ladies' toilet, was it George Bernard Shaw?
0:17:33 > 0:17:36I think he definitely was the one who pushed for it, as it were.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Because they'd previously...
0:17:38 > 0:17:41Previously there'd been lots of public conveniences for men,
0:17:41 > 0:17:44but never for women, because it was thought rather... Women didn't wee.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47..inappropriate for women to go, you know, outside their own home.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Well, the building of theatres in the 19th century
0:17:50 > 0:17:51did not take women into account, did it?
0:17:51 > 0:17:54And to this day, you can see it at the intervals of plays,
0:17:54 > 0:17:56women are having to queue up,
0:17:56 > 0:17:58while men are just peeing all over the place.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Just one bog and a tannoy bellowing,
0:18:01 > 0:18:03"You've got one minute till the..." You know. Minute to go, yeah.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Till View From A Bridge starts
0:18:05 > 0:18:07and you've got a bladder the size of a spaceship
0:18:07 > 0:18:10and then you just do it on the seat and cry.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12And go home with a wet bottom on the night bus.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14LAUGHTER I imagine. Aw!
0:18:16 > 0:18:19That's the title of your autobiography already,
0:18:19 > 0:18:23Wet Bottom on the Night Bus. Wet Bottom on the Night Bus. I love it.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Anyway, next question.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27What can you catch from a lavatory seat?
0:18:27 > 0:18:28A tennis ball.
0:18:30 > 0:18:31If you position it right,
0:18:31 > 0:18:34so that they're just serving through a slightly open window.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Yeah, you can just get it. Very good. Lob it through. Nothing.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40Nothing? No, that's not right. KLAXON
0:18:40 > 0:18:41It's so not right, you get a klaxon.
0:18:41 > 0:18:42Something.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Everything. Not good enough. Everything is not right either.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48There are quite a few diseases.
0:18:48 > 0:18:49Gonorrhoea.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Um... Syphilis.
0:18:51 > 0:18:55Is it the crabs? Is it the tiny crabs?
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Well, there are a number that are very much known to be caught.
0:18:58 > 0:19:03Hepatitis, dysentery, fungal infections, puerperal fever. Ugh!
0:19:03 > 0:19:04Viral gastro-enteritis,
0:19:04 > 0:19:08but the only way you catch it from the loo seat
0:19:08 > 0:19:10is from the loo seat to your hand
0:19:10 > 0:19:14to what is nicely known as a "soft entry point." Oh.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Which tends to be the nose or the mouth.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19So as long as you wash your hands, you're perfectly safe.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21You don't get it through the thighs and bottom.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Yes, that would be weird. That would be weird.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Surely the bottom is something of a soft entrance, isn't it?
0:19:26 > 0:19:29It is, but unless you're doing it very, very wrong,
0:19:29 > 0:19:32it should be hovering over a nice hole in-between the seat.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35Well, you just stand up. I tend to slide off onto the floor like that.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39Do you? Well, I advise you from now on not to.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41That is why they have a gap under the door.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Just so your feet can go through. No, what I do, what I do is...
0:19:45 > 0:19:47That's brilliant. So you leave all your doings,
0:19:47 > 0:19:49and then get out with the door locked.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52What's happened here? Yes.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54So somebody goes, "Oh, my God, he didn't even flush it."
0:19:54 > 0:19:55"I don't need to flush it.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58"It will not unlock the door." Whoosh! Like that.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00In fact sometimes, if you time it right...
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Don't you catch your testicles, as they go under?
0:20:03 > 0:20:06No, no, it's a sort of a reverse limbo, you pull them in like a sumo.
0:20:06 > 0:20:07Oh, right, OK.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09But what you do is, you time it right so that
0:20:09 > 0:20:12when the fella or the lady is mopping the floor,
0:20:12 > 0:20:15I slip out from under the door, it's like the curling, like that.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19And then somebody opens the door, all the way down,
0:20:19 > 0:20:21"What are you doing?" "I'm fine, I'm fine."
0:20:21 > 0:20:24And then as you're moving, it pulls your trousers up.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Superb. KATHY: That should be an Olympic category, I think.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29It should be an Olympic category, that is superb. Yeah, excellent.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Never do it on the ice though, never on the ice.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34No. Never. Those of us who use lavatories in a more,
0:20:34 > 0:20:36shall we say, normal... Conventional.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39..usual, conventional way, tend not to do that.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42We tend to keep the soft entry points of our bottoms...
0:20:42 > 0:20:44That is why I'm riddled with disease.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Yes. Riddled, riddled with disease.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48That would explain it. Yeah, absolutely.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51But who was responsible for the myth that you can catch
0:20:51 > 0:20:53sexually transmitted diseases from lavatory seats?
0:20:53 > 0:20:56It's, erm, Brian Blessed. Brian.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59"Yes!" "Oh, you can!" "No, I don't think... No, no, no."
0:20:59 > 0:21:04"My soft entrance has been violated!
0:21:04 > 0:21:07"Yes! I can't believe it!"
0:21:10 > 0:21:13"It's hairier than the rest of me."
0:21:13 > 0:21:16So who put it about? My grandmother, I think.
0:21:16 > 0:21:17Your grandmother may have...
0:21:17 > 0:21:20Would it be a pharmaceutical company with profits to be made?
0:21:20 > 0:21:23No, it's actually doctors. Doctors suggested that you could catch it.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26I love that show.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29They suggested you could catch it from lavatory seats.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32There's something very, very wrong with that torso. There is.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35I think she's past hope. Is it a she or a he?
0:21:35 > 0:21:37It's very hard to tell.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Your problem is... It's Tilda Swinton.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43It's beautiful Tilda Swinton with gangrene of the upper rib.
0:21:43 > 0:21:44Yeah.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47"Your head is much too small for your body."
0:21:47 > 0:21:50That's not a usual... It's not a usual soft opening part,
0:21:50 > 0:21:52that he's poking his tube into.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54I don't know what... He's draining it, presumably.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56He's harvesting tit juice.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58All right. He's harvesting tit juice. Gangrenous tit juice.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01No, it was doctors. Doctors suggested it because they thought
0:22:01 > 0:22:05it would make more people come forward with STDs,
0:22:05 > 0:22:07because they would be less embarrassed to say they caught it
0:22:07 > 0:22:08from a lavatory seat than
0:22:08 > 0:22:12that they caught it from a whore, strumpet, harlot. Sex worker.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15Or parent. Puttanesco. Or parent. Parent?!
0:22:17 > 0:22:22Don't make me repeat things without thinking. It's all wrong.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24This is a thing that's happened to me.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27I'll share, cos I feel I'm amongst friends. All right.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29I went to the doctor, had terrible, like a sort of a...
0:22:29 > 0:22:33It was almost like welts... Did you say whelks? Welts.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36Welts. Not whelks. It was a red... No, welts with a T, not with a K.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39I thought you said whelks, as in cockles and...
0:22:39 > 0:22:43There was... You know, whelks. I was bothered by Cockneys.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46And all the time I had chimney sweeps around me,
0:22:46 > 0:22:49I was batting them off. "Feed the birds."
0:22:49 > 0:22:53Went to the doctor and I thought, I've got some sort of...
0:22:53 > 0:22:58MUMBLES: ..sexually transmitted disease.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02Went into the doctor, he went, "Pants are too tight."
0:23:02 > 0:23:03That's what he said.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06He said "Your pants are too tight." You had your Spanx on. Just had...
0:23:06 > 0:23:08So you were kidding yourself that you were a medium
0:23:08 > 0:23:10and in fact you were an extra, extra large.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13I've done it, I've been there. Yeah.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15And you do get welts, you get awful webbing marks, you get...
0:23:15 > 0:23:18Webbing? Yeah, well, the... You know, the webbing of the...
0:23:18 > 0:23:21You need to just loosen that banana hammock and let it fly.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25I got the larger... I went for the larger pant,
0:23:25 > 0:23:27and since, trouble-free. It's been simple. Yeah, I know.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30What a wonderful, wonderful thing. So, there you are.
0:23:30 > 0:23:34So, there you are. Now, here's one for the gentlemen.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37How could your mother-in-law help you run things at tiny bit better?
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Well, my mother-in-law...
0:23:41 > 0:23:45There's a rather classy version of Deal Or No Deal going on.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50It's the picnic special. The wicker version. Exactly.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Fortnum and Mason Deal or no Deal. "Oh, chutney."
0:23:55 > 0:23:58It's a hell of an episode of Blind Date as well.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00"Who'd date number one? The older lady..."
0:24:00 > 0:24:03They look like they've just emerged from them.
0:24:03 > 0:24:04Put them back in them.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Anyway, they're two daughters-in-law with their mother-in-law,
0:24:07 > 0:24:10but that's just an example, obviously. Run things? Yes.
0:24:10 > 0:24:15Talk about running things, I mean runs companies and things. CEOs.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18CEOs is exactly what we're after, actually.
0:24:18 > 0:24:23A study of 6,753 deaths among CEOs
0:24:23 > 0:24:28and their families found they caused a statistically significant
0:24:28 > 0:24:31and economically large decline in the profitability
0:24:31 > 0:24:34of their companies. But there was one exception.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36The death of a CEO's mother-in-law
0:24:36 > 0:24:39led to a positive effect on performance.
0:24:39 > 0:24:43You're now advocating that mother-in-laws of successful CEOs
0:24:43 > 0:24:46should do the decent thing, ladies, and top yourselves.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48It was marked as positive but statistically insignificant,
0:24:48 > 0:24:50which makes it rather, sort of, peculiar.
0:24:50 > 0:24:54But there is one feature that CEOs should have in America,
0:24:54 > 0:24:56which WILL make them the more successful.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Do you know what that is? A face. Is it a face?
0:24:58 > 0:25:01It's not a face, but it is physical. It's rather good news for me.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04Height. Height is the answer.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Height is more important than race, sex,
0:25:06 > 0:25:08or ability when it comes to CEOs.
0:25:08 > 0:25:13Only 14.5% of US men are over six foot.
0:25:13 > 0:25:17But 58% of CEOs are.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21Which is going to piss on Janette Krankie's attempt to lead.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24You'd think it'd be a towering intellect they'd need.
0:25:24 > 0:25:28I always think the only important organ in a man is the big,
0:25:28 > 0:25:29throbbing organ between the ears.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32The only place where size does count.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Stephen has a big throbbing organ. Bless you, darling.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37And, in the US, there's also the issue of the pay differential
0:25:37 > 0:25:41between large company CEOs and their average employees.
0:25:41 > 0:25:46But the fact that I haven't yet given you is that CEOs anyway,
0:25:46 > 0:25:48no matter how much they're paid,
0:25:48 > 0:25:50have absolutely no effect on the performance of a company.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54So the idea that they are worth what they're paid,
0:25:54 > 0:25:55which apparently only applies to them
0:25:55 > 0:25:58and not to average workers anyway, is complete nonsense.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01And there are perfect examples of this which I can give you.
0:26:01 > 0:26:05A report in 2013 found that during the years 1993-2012,
0:26:05 > 0:26:0940% of the highest paid CEOs in the US had either
0:26:09 > 0:26:12had their companies bailed out by the taxpayer,
0:26:12 > 0:26:16or had their companies charged with fraudulent activity,
0:26:16 > 0:26:18or been fired for poor performance,
0:26:18 > 0:26:20or overseen the death of their companies.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23These are people paid millions a year.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25So the fact is, 40% of them have been shown to have
0:26:25 > 0:26:28a disastrous effect on their companies.
0:26:28 > 0:26:32In the UK, women get 58p for every pound that men get.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34I know. 100 years since Emmeline Pankhurst tied herself
0:26:34 > 0:26:37to the railings, and we still don't have equal pay. She never called for
0:26:37 > 0:26:39equal pay, of course. That only arrived in the '70s.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Should we do a riot? Let's do a riot.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46Do a riot. Do a riot. There's three people that are ready to take arms.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49So, the death of the CEO's mother-in-law helps businesses
0:26:49 > 0:26:52a little bit. Now, staying with lady relatives for a moment,
0:26:52 > 0:26:55can you finish these real suggestions from agony aunts?
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Here they are.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59"There is no more harm in a kiss than...?"
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Shaving a monkey and pretending it's a woman.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09I don't know where that's coming from or where it's going.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12Sorry. Sorry, I'm so sorry. Is it the common cold?
0:27:12 > 0:27:14It's actually a loaded revolver.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17It's from Ally Sloper's Half Holiday of 1911.
0:27:17 > 0:27:21Next one. "Kidney troubles, coughs, colds, toothache and neuralgia,
0:27:21 > 0:27:24"diarrhoea and stomach catarrh are frequently brought on by...?"
0:27:24 > 0:27:27Kissing? Exposing one of your soft entrances.
0:27:29 > 0:27:30In a public convenience.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32I tell you, it's true.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35"Kidney troubles, coughs, colds, toothache and neuralgia, diarrhoea
0:27:35 > 0:27:39"and stomach catarrh are frequently brought on by...paddling, rowing."
0:27:39 > 0:27:42Paddling is the right answer! Yes. Bizarrely.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44It's Mother and Home, 1910.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47And finally, "If your friend is too fat, she should..."
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Only be seen... Try presenting Bake Off.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52KLAXON
0:27:54 > 0:27:56Ta-dum, boom!
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Well, well, we...
0:28:00 > 0:28:03Should not live in glass houses.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06This is a very strange 1928 cure for obesity, which is,
0:28:06 > 0:28:10"She should try doing rolling exercises on the floor."
0:28:11 > 0:28:14For the amusement of the family.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16The world's first agony aunt was actually a man.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18He was called John Dunton.
0:28:18 > 0:28:22He started a twice weekly periodical called the Athenian Gazette...
0:28:22 > 0:28:27How could a man with hair like that give advice to anybody?
0:28:27 > 0:28:29Everybody had a perruque in those days.
0:28:29 > 0:28:33What kind of advice did the agony aunts give? Quite interesting.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36Mostly literary, political, scientific or religious. "Never bathe."
0:28:36 > 0:28:39He got a letter from a lady and he was rather surprised.
0:28:39 > 0:28:41She asked if she could submit questions.
0:28:41 > 0:28:45This led to a spin-off, "Reasonable questions sent in to us by the fair sex,"
0:28:45 > 0:28:48and the spin-off was called the Ladies' Mercury, not surprisingly.
0:28:48 > 0:28:49the first women's magazine.
0:28:49 > 0:28:53Yeah! Its mission was "to answer all most nice and curious questions
0:28:53 > 0:28:57"concerning love, marriage, behaviour, dress and humour of the female sex,
0:28:57 > 0:28:59"whether virgins, wives or widows."
0:28:59 > 0:29:01Is there any other type? LAUGHTER
0:29:01 > 0:29:06There are no other types. Stephen, no lady will ever touch you or hurt you.
0:29:06 > 0:29:09It only lasted a month but things would never be the same.
0:29:09 > 0:29:12He was asked at one point by a woman saying she was lonely,
0:29:12 > 0:29:16he advised her to go down to the docks and find a randy sailor.
0:29:16 > 0:29:18He didn't use the word "randy",
0:29:18 > 0:29:21but said there would be sailors aplenty to oblige her.
0:29:21 > 0:29:25Another asked for "the opinions you have met concerning the capricious
0:29:25 > 0:29:27"and extravagant humours of women."
0:29:27 > 0:29:29And he replied,
0:29:29 > 0:29:32"The word 'capricious' is used to signify the extravagant
0:29:32 > 0:29:34"humours of most women, because there is no animal
0:29:34 > 0:29:36"they resemble more than a goat." LAUGHTER
0:29:36 > 0:29:38Which is pretty odd,
0:29:38 > 0:29:40because he actually dressed up as a woman to avoid tax and debt.
0:29:40 > 0:29:44Yeah. Gary Barlow didn't think of that one!
0:29:44 > 0:29:48No! Did he look like a goat when he dressed up as a woman?
0:29:48 > 0:29:52"How shall I do it? They look like this, don't they?"
0:29:52 > 0:29:54Horns, four hooves and going up a mountain.
0:29:54 > 0:29:58But that's fascinating that he gave such ribald advice.
0:29:58 > 0:30:03in Victorian times agony aunts were dipped in penicillin.
0:30:03 > 0:30:06Telling her to go down and look for a sailor...
0:30:06 > 0:30:11A horny sailor who just wants anything with a hole and a heartbeat, is quite...
0:30:11 > 0:30:13It's very impressive.
0:30:13 > 0:30:17That's the second volume of my autobiography. A Hole And A Heart. LAUGHTER
0:30:17 > 0:30:21They're all collected in a book, Never Kiss A Man In A Canoe,
0:30:21 > 0:30:24Words of Wisdom From The Golden Age Of Agony Aunts, by Tanith Carey.
0:30:24 > 0:30:28Who's collected them all for your pleasure and enjoyment.
0:30:28 > 0:30:29So now let's man the lifeboats.
0:30:29 > 0:30:35What was the seventh most common cause of death among German submariners in World War I?
0:30:35 > 0:30:39Was it banging their heads on low doorways?
0:30:39 > 0:30:41Bulkheads, I believe they are called.
0:30:41 > 0:30:46Being shot? Shot, yes, kind of, but shot in a particular way.
0:30:46 > 0:30:48Can I do one? I think toilets,
0:30:48 > 0:30:52the water coming in rather than flushing out, maybe.
0:30:52 > 0:30:55How ironic to die of an overflowing toilet in a submarine!
0:30:55 > 0:30:58Being fired out of a torpedo tube? Friendly fire.
0:30:58 > 0:31:00Well, not friendly fire.
0:31:00 > 0:31:03Very unfriendly fire and deeply unsporting unfriendly fire.
0:31:03 > 0:31:07Soft tissue access, so communicable diseases...
0:31:07 > 0:31:09No, I'll tell you what it is.
0:31:09 > 0:31:11The Germans, who were very sporting and gentlemanly,
0:31:11 > 0:31:15they used protocols which meant that if they
0:31:15 > 0:31:18approached a merchantman, in other words, not a warship,
0:31:18 > 0:31:21what they would do is rise to the surface
0:31:21 > 0:31:26and they would give an opportunity for everyone on board to
0:31:26 > 0:31:31get into the lifeboat and sail away to safety.
0:31:31 > 0:31:35Then they would sink the ship and its supplies, because that was a legitimate war target.
0:31:35 > 0:31:41So the Royal Navy got these ships that they disguised as merchant ships
0:31:41 > 0:31:46and they got their sailors to dress up in drag and walk up and down as if they were women...
0:31:46 > 0:31:51Like goats! As if they were perfectly natural civilians,
0:31:51 > 0:31:57and the German U-boat would approach and call out and say, "Man your lifeboats!"
0:31:57 > 0:32:02The captain of the boat would pull a lever, reveal all the weapons
0:32:02 > 0:32:04and shoot down and destroy the U-boat.
0:32:04 > 0:32:09And it was mean. That's not the Marquess of Queensbury! It's not cricket.
0:32:09 > 0:32:15So did they learn their lesson and perhaps disguise themselves as a hen party, a sort of...?
0:32:15 > 0:32:20They should have done, but 14 German submarines were felled that way,
0:32:20 > 0:32:23making cross-dressing sailors the seventh leading cause.
0:32:23 > 0:32:25That's hilarious! Amazing, isn't it?
0:32:25 > 0:32:31In 1927, HMS M2 was the very first submarine to carry aeroplanes.
0:32:31 > 0:32:34Carry aeroplanes? Yeah.
0:32:34 > 0:32:37Not only carry them, but they had a deck. A slightly flawed plan.
0:32:37 > 0:32:42Yeah, obviously they would only allow them to land and take off when they'd risen to the surface.
0:32:42 > 0:32:46A small, specially designed seaplane took off next to the sub
0:32:46 > 0:32:49and could be winched aboard and stowed in the hangar.
0:32:49 > 0:32:55Unfortunately they once opened the hangar too early and the whole thing was sunk. Very sad.
0:32:55 > 0:33:00Now, ladies, you should be covering your ears, because you're very sensitive, I know.
0:33:00 > 0:33:03Can you name an Anglo-Saxon swearword?
0:33:03 > 0:33:08BLEEP. I would say... Oh. KLAXON
0:33:11 > 0:33:14That's... We've covered all bases there.
0:33:14 > 0:33:17In for a penny. BLEEP, BLEEP, BLEEP...! KLAXON CONTINUES
0:33:21 > 0:33:24Knob-gobbler. Knob-gobbler?!
0:33:27 > 0:33:32Knob-gobbler is Anglo-Saxon. It's also a delightful wading bird.
0:33:32 > 0:33:36The amount of times Bill Oddie's gone after a knob-gobbler on the...
0:33:36 > 0:33:38He does spend a lot of time on Hampstead Heath,
0:33:38 > 0:33:41it's certainly true. That's where he comes from.
0:33:41 > 0:33:43Yeah. "Ooh, look at the plumage on that knob-gobbler."
0:33:43 > 0:33:46This isn't rude, it's a type of... No. It's a type of bird.
0:33:46 > 0:33:48You know, who wouldn't want to stroke a knob-gobbler?
0:33:50 > 0:33:52But no, you see the fact is,
0:33:52 > 0:33:55we have no knowledge whatsoever of Anglo-Saxons swearing,
0:33:55 > 0:33:58because the only Saxons we know of are those who wrote.
0:33:58 > 0:34:02And those who wrote were in Holy Orders, and tended not to swear.
0:34:02 > 0:34:03And didn't swear, of course.
0:34:03 > 0:34:06But we have no evidence for them. There must have been swear words.
0:34:06 > 0:34:08But we do know that Vikings swore, because we actually know,
0:34:08 > 0:34:11there's a particular word, and this is rassragr.
0:34:11 > 0:34:14It's such an appalling word that
0:34:14 > 0:34:18if one Viking called another Viking rassragr,
0:34:18 > 0:34:20the Viking who was called it
0:34:20 > 0:34:22would be entitled to kill the man who called him that. Gosh!
0:34:22 > 0:34:25And indeed, if he didn't try and kill him,
0:34:25 > 0:34:27he would be expelled from the community
0:34:27 > 0:34:29and indeed be proved to be a rassragr.
0:34:29 > 0:34:32I've been told what rassragr means, but I just cannot tell you. Aw!
0:34:32 > 0:34:34Is it... I just can't. Rassragr. Rassragr. Rassragr.
0:34:34 > 0:34:38Is it to do with colouring? I just can't.
0:34:38 > 0:34:40Russet beard or something? My mind has got the idea of it in its head
0:34:40 > 0:34:42and I will never be the same. He must tell us!
0:34:42 > 0:34:45I don't know what it means. We all want to know, right? Rassragr.
0:34:45 > 0:34:48Anyway, the fact is, there are no known Anglo-Saxon swear words,
0:34:48 > 0:34:50in the sense that Anglo-Saxon peoples use them.
0:34:50 > 0:34:54It's time for a maths test and it's ladies versus gents.
0:34:54 > 0:34:57Which team will let itself down?
0:34:57 > 0:35:01Oh, lord. What happened to our faces?
0:35:01 > 0:35:06You're eating your thumb. Disturbing, isn't it? Which team will let itself down?
0:35:06 > 0:35:10If it's the pair of us, we will lose because I'm really bad at maths.
0:35:10 > 0:35:14Because women are always told that that's ten inches. LAUGHTER
0:35:14 > 0:35:18That isn't ten inches? Exactly, yeah.
0:35:18 > 0:35:22And also, on our team the little boy at the back has had a severe head injury.
0:35:22 > 0:35:26LAUGHTER Look at him, he's concussed.
0:35:26 > 0:35:33He's sat there going, "I can do maths but I've been smashed in the face with a ruler."
0:35:33 > 0:35:38This is a gender fulfilling... It is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
0:35:38 > 0:35:40Because women are told we are bad at maths.
0:35:40 > 0:35:45And we did it - we said, "We'll never be able to do it because we are rubbish."
0:35:45 > 0:35:50Indeed, yes. and it's been tested because there is a general feeling
0:35:50 > 0:35:52that seems to be, again, self fulfilling,
0:35:52 > 0:35:55that Asian people are very good at maths.
0:35:55 > 0:35:58So if you take a group of Asian women and say,
0:35:58 > 0:36:01"You're women and you're going to do a maths test
0:36:01 > 0:36:06"and the men are going to do a maths test," they tend to get 60%.
0:36:06 > 0:36:11And then you take a group of Asian women and say, "You're Asian
0:36:11 > 0:36:15"and you're playing against a group of European men,"
0:36:15 > 0:36:18they tend to get, at the same level of difficulty,
0:36:18 > 0:36:2180% or 90%. So it's really about being told what you are,
0:36:21 > 0:36:25and the very fact that you're told you're a woman makes you think,
0:36:25 > 0:36:26"Oh, God, I'm no good at this."
0:36:26 > 0:36:29And your self-esteem is lower than Lady Gaga's bikini line.
0:36:29 > 0:36:33I'm rubbish at maths, but when I go, "You're an Asian woman," boom!
0:36:33 > 0:36:38Brilliant, honestly. I'm on Countdown next week.
0:36:38 > 0:36:42Now, some might say that's borderline racist, what I've got planned,
0:36:42 > 0:36:45but I'm going to win, that's all that matters.
0:36:45 > 0:36:48It's about tribal affiliations.
0:36:48 > 0:36:53So if you are oriented to affiliate with a more successful...
0:36:53 > 0:36:57You could be a woman or you could be a redhead or a European or
0:36:57 > 0:37:01an Antipodean or whatever, so you find the right one.
0:37:01 > 0:37:05Similarly, some retailers have tried to make their toy displays
0:37:05 > 0:37:09gender neutral, but they have a toy tool box and a toy handbag
0:37:09 > 0:37:10and one is blue and the other is pink!
0:37:10 > 0:37:13How is that in any way neutral? Lego has a pink brick box.
0:37:13 > 0:37:18"It has everything young girls need to create a world of building fun."
0:37:18 > 0:37:23And it includes a female mini figure. A mini finger? Mini figure!
0:37:23 > 0:37:28LAUGHTER Just a slightly smaller version of your own finger.
0:37:28 > 0:37:32"This is a shit gift.
0:37:32 > 0:37:35"I've got five and now I've just got a really small one."
0:37:35 > 0:37:39OK. Women who are reminded they are women do worse at maths.
0:37:39 > 0:37:44And now hold your horses, ladies, fingers on buzzers, gentlemen,
0:37:44 > 0:37:46because it's time for a bit of General Ignorance.
0:37:46 > 0:37:50Right, what did Lady Godiva do? # A lady... #
0:37:50 > 0:37:53Yes? Well, of course she rode naked through the town,
0:37:53 > 0:37:56because she wanted to... I forget, what was it she was doing it for?
0:37:56 > 0:37:59She had... She wanted... No. KLAXON
0:37:59 > 0:38:00Whoa. No.
0:38:00 > 0:38:02No, which town was it that she didn't ride naked through?
0:38:02 > 0:38:05Birmingham, I think. Birmingham! No.
0:38:05 > 0:38:08Coventry is the one that people suppose that she...
0:38:08 > 0:38:11She owned Coventry, interestingly. Did she? Yes, she owned it.
0:38:11 > 0:38:16And the first story of her riding naked is the early 13th century,
0:38:16 > 0:38:19but actually, that's some 200 years after she lived.
0:38:19 > 0:38:22And this story was a fellow called Roger of Wendover,
0:38:22 > 0:38:27who was a notoriously unreliable purveyor of anecdotes and gossip.
0:38:27 > 0:38:31In fact, the story that he gave was that her husband,
0:38:31 > 0:38:32who was the Earl of Mercia,
0:38:32 > 0:38:35had put large taxes on the citizens of Coventry,
0:38:35 > 0:38:37and she thought this was unfair,
0:38:37 > 0:38:39and she said, "You must get rid of these taxes."
0:38:39 > 0:38:42He said, "I'll do it if you ride naked through Coventry."
0:38:42 > 0:38:43And so she thought, "All right,
0:38:43 > 0:38:46"I like the people of Coventry, I'll ride naked."
0:38:46 > 0:38:49And they all obediently closed their eyes.
0:38:49 > 0:38:52But there's no evidence for any of this. All this is later.
0:38:52 > 0:38:54Do you think that would work today
0:38:54 > 0:38:56if we suggested that to Boris Johnson,
0:38:56 > 0:38:59if we rode naked through the town, we could stop paying our taxes?
0:38:59 > 0:39:01To bicycle on a Boris bike through the streets of London.
0:39:01 > 0:39:03Yeah. Yes, naked.
0:39:03 > 0:39:06Yeah. The story of Lady Godiva is horseshit, frankly.
0:39:06 > 0:39:08So what did Mary Magdalene do for a living?
0:39:08 > 0:39:10Mary Magdalene, what did she do for a living?
0:39:10 > 0:39:13Ah... Oh. Are we? Do we dare?
0:39:13 > 0:39:14# Ladies' night... #
0:39:14 > 0:39:16I just want to hear that again,
0:39:16 > 0:39:19because I am so in the groove with that shit. Yay.
0:39:19 > 0:39:21She was a...
0:39:21 > 0:39:24DUTCH ACCENT: Sex worker. A sex worker, a prostitute? KLAXON
0:39:24 > 0:39:25We call them sex workers now.
0:39:25 > 0:39:27Sex workers. They are called sex workers.
0:39:27 > 0:39:28The sex workers, like prostitutes.
0:39:28 > 0:39:30No. In as much as we know anything about her,
0:39:30 > 0:39:32or anything about anybody in the "Bibble".
0:39:32 > 0:39:36She's got jaundice, that's what we know about her. Well, that's true.
0:39:36 > 0:39:37I think we've taken faces
0:39:37 > 0:39:40from some sort of Sienese school rendering of her.
0:39:40 > 0:39:43But she's mentioned in each of the four Gospels, Mary Magdalene.
0:39:43 > 0:39:46And not one of them says she was a prostitute or even a sinner.
0:39:46 > 0:39:49All you need to do is to have sex once.
0:39:49 > 0:39:51If you're a girl, then you are a prostitute.
0:39:51 > 0:39:56It did say that she spent a lot of time on the docks, wink, wink.
0:39:56 > 0:40:00At some point she became confused with two other women
0:40:00 > 0:40:02in the Bible - Mary, the sister of Martha
0:40:02 > 0:40:05and the unnamed sinner from Luke's Gospital, chapter...
0:40:05 > 0:40:06Gospital?!
0:40:06 > 0:40:10Gospel, both of whom washed Jesus' feet with hair, if you remember.
0:40:10 > 0:40:14That's the third chapter of your book, The Unnamed Sinner From Luke's Gospel.
0:40:14 > 0:40:16In the sixth century,
0:40:16 > 0:40:19Pope Gregory the Great made this confusion official by declaring
0:40:19 > 0:40:22in a sermon that these three characters were the same person.
0:40:22 > 0:40:24This remained the official line for over 1,000 years
0:40:24 > 0:40:29until the Catholic church finally ruled that Mary Magdalene was not the penitent sinner in 1969.
0:40:29 > 0:40:31And the whole world went, "Ooh!"
0:40:31 > 0:40:34Oh, I've been calling her a slag for 2,000 years.
0:40:34 > 0:40:37Can I just ask, right? I'm no art historian,
0:40:37 > 0:40:45but why is there a severed baby's head with no body attached, just...?
0:40:45 > 0:40:48It's like a flying tray with a head on it, isn't it?
0:40:48 > 0:40:51Just the wing ears.
0:40:51 > 0:40:54You will get these in baroque paintings, putti, as they're called.
0:40:54 > 0:40:56It... But how do we know that that is a cherub
0:40:56 > 0:40:59and not just, like, a fat-faced bird?
0:40:59 > 0:41:01That's a knob-gobbler, that's what that is.
0:41:03 > 0:41:06Well, it's... The Baroque did go rather crazy,
0:41:06 > 0:41:08and there's no real excuse for it.
0:41:08 > 0:41:10It's overdone, to say the least.
0:41:10 > 0:41:13But the one thing that we know about Mary Magdalene
0:41:13 > 0:41:15is that she wasn't a prostitute.
0:41:15 > 0:41:19What happens nine months after a blackout? Ah.
0:41:19 > 0:41:21# A lady... #
0:41:21 > 0:41:23Many, many babies.
0:41:23 > 0:41:25Ah... No, no... KLAXON
0:41:25 > 0:41:27Oh, you've been doing so well. Aw.
0:41:27 > 0:41:32Is it the power company finally give you the cheque for a refund?
0:41:32 > 0:41:35That's probably right. Yeah. Yes, you finally get your refund.
0:41:35 > 0:41:38No, there is no evidence, although it is a commonly held belief,
0:41:38 > 0:41:41absolutely no evidence whatsoever from demographers
0:41:41 > 0:41:43and other such people that this is true.
0:41:43 > 0:41:45There was a famous 1965 blackout in New York and everybody said,
0:41:45 > 0:41:48nine months later, including the New York Times,
0:41:48 > 0:41:49that there was a sharp increase of births.
0:41:49 > 0:41:52But they then, after it was proved to be inaccurate,
0:41:52 > 0:41:54issued an acknowledgment that they had made a mistake.
0:41:54 > 0:41:56I mean, lights do go out every night.
0:41:56 > 0:41:59I mean, it's not like we're permanently in sort of spotlights.
0:41:59 > 0:42:02Precisely, exactly. No. And so it's such a rare thing we go,
0:42:02 > 0:42:05"God, the lights are finally off. We can have sex!" Exactly.
0:42:05 > 0:42:07"Oh, telly's not working. Go on, then."
0:42:10 > 0:42:15I always go to the main fuse box. "Sorry, love."
0:42:15 > 0:42:17"Our leccy's gone."
0:42:17 > 0:42:20That's your foreplay, is it? Clever, clever, clever. Yeah.
0:42:20 > 0:42:23No, there is no evidence that people have more sex during a power cut.
0:42:23 > 0:42:28So, not with a boom, but a whimper, we come to the scores.
0:42:28 > 0:42:32Oh, my good night. HE CHUCKLES
0:42:32 > 0:42:35Well, we're going to start in last place, and I'm sorry to say,
0:42:35 > 0:42:40because of her filthy mouth, in last place with minus 48,
0:42:40 > 0:42:41it's Sue Perkins. Oh.
0:42:41 > 0:42:43APPLAUSE
0:42:46 > 0:42:53And hardly less Anglo-Saxon, with minus 28 is Kathy Lette.
0:42:53 > 0:42:56APPLAUSE Thank you. Thank you.
0:42:56 > 0:42:58APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:43:01 > 0:43:05And not losing again, with minus 8, it's Alan Davies.
0:43:05 > 0:43:08APPLAUSE
0:43:12 > 0:43:14Second place, you must be very proud.
0:43:14 > 0:43:17It only means there's one winner, with plus 2, Ross Noble.
0:43:17 > 0:43:19APPLAUSE
0:43:25 > 0:43:30So, all that's left for me to do is to thank Kathy, Sue, Ross and Alan.
0:43:30 > 0:43:32And I leave you with the last words of former
0:43:32 > 0:43:34British Prime Minister, Pitt the Younger.
0:43:34 > 0:43:37"I think I could eat one of Bellamy's meat pies."
0:43:37 > 0:43:40What greater last words could you ever have? Good night.
0:44:10 > 0:44:12The heat in the Den is rising.
0:44:12 > 0:44:15You're coming across as, frankly, ridiculous.