0:00:23 > 0:00:29APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:35Goooooooood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening and welcome to QI,
0:00:35 > 0:00:40where this week we're under doctor's orders as we dissect a Medley of Maladies.
0:00:40 > 0:00:41Joining me in the waiting room,
0:00:41 > 0:00:47with a 1984 edition of The People's Friend, we have Dr No, Lucy Porter.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50APPLAUSE
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Dr Strangelove, Matt Lucas.
0:00:53 > 0:00:57APPLAUSE
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Dr Zhivago, Ross Noble.
0:00:59 > 0:01:04APPLAUSE
0:01:04 > 0:01:05And Dr Snuggles, Alan Davies.
0:01:05 > 0:01:12APPLAUSE
0:01:12 > 0:01:15So, buzzers please, nurse. Lucy goes...
0:01:15 > 0:01:20DR ZHIVAGO THEME TUNE
0:01:24 > 0:01:26For the ignorant nonsenses amongst you,
0:01:26 > 0:01:28that was Dr Zhivago's theme tune. LAUGHTER
0:01:28 > 0:01:29Matt goes...
0:01:29 > 0:01:33DR FINLAY'S CASEBOOK THEME TUNE
0:01:33 > 0:01:37For those under 80, that was Dr Finlay's Casebook.
0:01:38 > 0:01:39So Ross Noble, he goes...
0:01:39 > 0:01:45DR WHO THEME TUNE
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Hmm, no, I don't know what that was. And Alan goes...
0:01:50 > 0:01:53# Oh, doctor, I'm in trouble
0:01:53 > 0:01:56# Well, goodness gracious me... #
0:01:56 > 0:01:57Oh, more of that.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01- Yeah, Goodness Gracious Me. - Can't get enough of it. - Well, there you are.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04So, come in, lie down, pop your feet in the stirrups
0:02:04 > 0:02:07and let's see what the trouble is.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10What did Typhoid Mary die of?
0:02:10 > 0:02:11Oh, don't...start!
0:02:12 > 0:02:14LAUGHTER
0:02:14 > 0:02:16DR WHO THEME TUNE Yes, Ross?
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Was it a lack of circulation to her toe?
0:02:22 > 0:02:24That is a possibility.
0:02:24 > 0:02:25Yeah. Is it typhoid?
0:02:25 > 0:02:26- Oh!- One!
0:02:28 > 0:02:33Her name, as the label around that toe said, was Mary Mallon,
0:02:33 > 0:02:37and she was known as Typhoid Mary.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40What did she die of? It wasn't typhoid.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44Er...why am I interrupting you? I don't even know.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45- That's QI.- Yeah.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48There was nothing wrong with her. Boredom, she'd had boredom from...
0:02:48 > 0:02:53- Car crash.- That's what I was going to say.- Waiting to get typhoid and never getting it.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56- Boredom.- She had typhoid. She didn't suffer from typhoid.
0:02:56 > 0:02:57But she never had symptoms.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Yes, thank you. Thank you, Lucy Porter.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03- You're welcome, Stephen Fry. - She didn't have the symptoms, as Typhoid Mary,
0:03:03 > 0:03:08round about the turn of the century was a cook in New York.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11- An Irish immigrant. - As the name would suggest, Irish.
0:03:11 > 0:03:16Yeah. And she had typhoid, but no symptoms, she wasn't ill.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19She was immune to it, to all intents and purposes.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22But, she was able to give it to others, and she did.
0:03:22 > 0:03:2430, 40, 50 people, possibly.
0:03:24 > 0:03:30It must have been freezing in that ward with all that snow.
0:03:30 > 0:03:31That's normally on the...
0:03:31 > 0:03:34It's taking... It's taking his mind off the fact he's being
0:03:34 > 0:03:37attacked by an octopus, at the back there.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Something with trailing legs.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Presumably they're, they're all lying there going,
0:03:42 > 0:03:46- "Sorry, what did you say your name was? What Mary?"- Exactly.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50- "Glad to sharing a ward with you." - Well, the sad thing is that she was not a nice person,
0:03:50 > 0:03:52by any way of looking at it.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55All right, Stephen, she's dead - come on.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Well, the thing is, she worked in households as a cook
0:03:58 > 0:04:02and people would die of typhoid in the household where she cooked,
0:04:02 > 0:04:05and she would mysteriously leave and take up a job in another one.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07- So she knew that she was a carrier. - Oh, she was a carrier.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11Because she was put into quarantine, and then she could go free
0:04:11 > 0:04:14as long as she never worked in service again, didn't cook.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18Within weeks, she got another job as a cook, and she tried to
0:04:18 > 0:04:21hide from the authorities, and so she ended up, the last two
0:04:21 > 0:04:23decades of her life in quarantine
0:04:23 > 0:04:25and she died of pneumonia, in fact.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Ah.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29How did she pass it on? Saliva, fluids, body fluids.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Oh, because she was, yeah, she had typhoid.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34- She went... - BREATHES OUT AND MIMES COUGHING
0:04:34 > 0:04:37Yeah. But she actually coughed, anything like that. Yeah.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40- She didn't have to wee in the soup. - And so her name has become synonymous.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44I don't know about it, I thought it was waterborne. Or was that cholera?
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Well, it's spread by the...
0:04:46 > 0:04:49The germ in question is salmonella typhi.
0:04:49 > 0:04:50The salmonellas.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53I thought you said that it's spread by a German.
0:04:53 > 0:04:58I thought you said, just one German, walking around the place.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Is that the fella there, is it?
0:05:00 > 0:05:02There it is, yeah.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05- Yeah.- Unpleasant-looking. Why is it called salmonella?
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Salmon, that's salmon it's from, so it's fishborne.
0:05:10 > 0:05:15They were named by a bacteriologist called Salmon.
0:05:15 > 0:05:16- Oh, of course.- Dr Daniel Salmon.
0:05:16 > 0:05:17Of course.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21Who also died of pneumonia, as it happens, not of salmonella.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25Well, I'll tell you what, I'm looking at that, I'm never going to eat Wotsits again.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Now, what's the most deadly thing
0:05:31 > 0:05:33you can find in a doctor's waiting room?
0:05:33 > 0:05:37- And you can look at that picture. - Oh, a copy of the Daily Telegraph.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39LAUGHTER
0:05:39 > 0:05:43I'm guessing, looking at that example,
0:05:43 > 0:05:47is it the tiny baby bear which has crawled out
0:05:47 > 0:05:49from inside that plant there?
0:05:49 > 0:05:54Oh, is it going to be that lethal water carrier thing in the corner?
0:05:54 > 0:05:58Hang on, right next to a lamp?! Water next to electricity?
0:05:58 > 0:06:00That's a Health and Safety nightmare!
0:06:00 > 0:06:04- POSH VOICE:- These people are seconds from death, why?
0:06:04 > 0:06:07You've got a fire engine there, you'll be fine.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11- Oh, yeah, yeah.- That's true.- On an electrical fire?! Are you mad?!
0:06:11 > 0:06:13LAUGHTER
0:06:13 > 0:06:16- Come on!- Does she take the pen and stab everyone in the waiting room?
0:06:16 > 0:06:19- That's another... - That would be dangerous.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22- Actually, Ross got it straightaway. - Shut your face!
0:06:22 > 0:06:24- It's the bear.- I knew it was the bear.- The bear?- Yeah.
0:06:24 > 0:06:28- Why is it the bear?- Ha-ha, the murderer is in this very room!
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Well, you can't trust bears. Bears are shifty.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33LAUGHTER
0:06:34 > 0:06:36- Can I say that isn't ACTUALLY a bear.- Ah.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38- It looks like a bear.- Well...
0:06:38 > 0:06:40If it were a bear, it would be far and away
0:06:40 > 0:06:43the most dangerous thing in the room. It's...
0:06:43 > 0:06:45I'd say to you, "prove it"!
0:06:45 > 0:06:47It's a soft cuddly toy.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50- Covered in germs! It's a carrier of diseases.- Yes.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52It's Bear Mary.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54LAUGHTER
0:06:54 > 0:06:56- Big bear's bear, you're right. - Typhoid bear.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59- Typhoid Beary, yeah. - Yeah. Typhoid bearer.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Did you see what she did there?
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Typhoid Bearer, eh? Ha-ha!
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Because a bear can't...
0:07:05 > 0:07:07A bear can't shit in the woods...
0:07:07 > 0:07:09A bear can't be cut... A bear can't...
0:07:09 > 0:07:12I don't know if I can really say this, because it sounds odd,
0:07:12 > 0:07:14but a bear can't be wiped down.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17- LAUGHTER - You've tried!
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Well, I mean, it can obviously be wiped down.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22You've wiped a lot of bears down. Come on, Stephen.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25LAUGHTER
0:07:25 > 0:07:28APPLAUSE
0:07:33 > 0:07:38Not as hygienically as, say, an abacus, is that a Barbie or a Sindy?
0:07:38 > 0:07:41- I'm not really...- That's a Sindy. - That's a Sindy.- Sindy...
0:07:41 > 0:07:43You've got to wipe them down every 45 minutes.
0:07:43 > 0:07:47- Lego tower... Her legs go all the way up.- The doll, of course...
0:07:47 > 0:07:50- You can chuck in the machine, can't you, your teddy bear?- I do.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52- You can do what? - Chuck it in the machine.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54- Chuck it in the machine. On a hot wash, on a boil.- You can, you can.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58So, are we coming to the conclusion that Pudsey needs to die?
0:07:58 > 0:08:00LAUGHTER
0:08:00 > 0:08:02That's how he lost his eye, because somebody...
0:08:02 > 0:08:05No, he just needs to be boiled. Not killed, just boiled!
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Not too boiled.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10That would be the best opening to Children In Need ever,
0:08:10 > 0:08:12if it was literally cut to Terry Wogan,
0:08:12 > 0:08:14he was just there going, "Ah, good old Pudsey!"
0:08:14 > 0:08:16HE YELLS
0:08:16 > 0:08:19"Give me the money or Pudsey boils."
0:08:19 > 0:08:23There is something very eerie when you put kids' toys in the machine
0:08:23 > 0:08:25and wash them and then you just see their little faces
0:08:25 > 0:08:29- pressed against the glass. - Aah, and the children sit...
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Because you say to the kids, "You next, yeah."
0:08:31 > 0:08:34The children sit there watching them going round and round.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37- Now we know why it's called Winnie The Pooh.- Hey, you're right!
0:08:37 > 0:08:39His real name is "Winnie The Filthy Shit".
0:08:39 > 0:08:42LAUGHTER
0:08:42 > 0:08:43Oh, dear!
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Thank you very much.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47APPLAUSE
0:08:48 > 0:08:5213.5% of "hard" toys
0:08:52 > 0:08:54in GP's waiting rooms...
0:08:55 > 0:08:59- Don't google that, whatever you do! - LAUGHTER
0:08:59 > 0:09:01- Don't google "hard toys"!- No.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Don't google "wiping down bears".
0:09:03 > 0:09:05LAUGHTER
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Basically, it's a nightmare, isn't it?
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Certainly not "Winnie The Filthy Shit".
0:09:11 > 0:09:15She's a lovely girl, but she should never have started that website.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18You don't want to see... Not while you're eating, anyway.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21A shocking 90% of soft toys
0:09:21 > 0:09:27had serious moderate to heavy bacterial contamination.
0:09:27 > 0:09:28That's what I want to leave you with.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31LAUGHTER Magazines...
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Why do you think that the magazines
0:09:34 > 0:09:38in doctors' waiting rooms are so dull, so uninteresting?
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Because people steal the good ones, presumably!
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Is the right answer!
0:09:42 > 0:09:43CHEERING Very good!
0:09:43 > 0:09:46APPLAUSE
0:09:46 > 0:09:48It's as simple as that.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51- Yeah.- Yeah.- Well, I'm not the only one, then. That is good...
0:09:51 > 0:09:53LAUGHTER
0:09:53 > 0:09:56I would never buy Now or Chat, but if it's there...
0:09:56 > 0:10:01Yeah. Nobody steals New Statesman or The Economist.
0:10:01 > 0:10:02You might be able...
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Where do we stand on the gentleman's literature...
0:10:05 > 0:10:08in the booths...
0:10:08 > 0:10:11at a place of...fluid deposits?
0:10:11 > 0:10:13LAUGHTER
0:10:13 > 0:10:16- The sperm banks? - That's the word I'm looking for.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19- Are they taken away?- What I'm saying is, is that, you know,
0:10:19 > 0:10:21- when they provide the... - HE MUTTERS
0:10:21 > 0:10:24..where does that stand in the... You know...
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Like, on the filth scale, what are we...?
0:10:27 > 0:10:28LAUGHTER
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Because I've only done that once
0:10:30 > 0:10:33and there wasn't literature.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Strictly speaking, it wasn't a sperm bank, but...
0:10:36 > 0:10:38LAUGHTER
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Hang on, no, no, I... It was a regular doctor...
0:10:40 > 0:10:43It was the sperm building society.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46- It was a... - It was a regular doctor's?
0:10:46 > 0:10:50- It was a... No, wait...- You went to the doctor's for a wank?- Yes!
0:10:51 > 0:10:52No, no, no.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55What happened was, I used to live right out in the bush,
0:10:55 > 0:10:59- right out in the countryside, right, miles away, right.- Yeah, good!
0:10:59 > 0:11:02LAUGHTER
0:11:02 > 0:11:05- And I needed to do the... - Were you on a register?
0:11:05 > 0:11:07LAUGHTER
0:11:07 > 0:11:09I am now! But the...
0:11:09 > 0:11:11No, but we lived too far away.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14By the time you've done the deposit in the beaker...
0:11:14 > 0:11:17- Your sperm have died. - Exactly. By the time you drove in.
0:11:17 > 0:11:18So, my wife just said,
0:11:18 > 0:11:21"Hey, why don't we just go to the regular doctor's
0:11:21 > 0:11:24"and then you nip into the... and then have..."
0:11:24 > 0:11:26and the only thing that was in there was,
0:11:26 > 0:11:29you know on a lady's sanitary bag,
0:11:29 > 0:11:33- they have a picture of a woman in Victorian costume?- Yes.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35LAUGHTER
0:11:35 > 0:11:38There's very few things that I'm happy to admit in public,
0:11:38 > 0:11:42but I can't look at Mary Poppins in the same way now.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44LAUGHTER
0:11:44 > 0:11:48- I fully, to the... With the... - You didn't do it in the bag?
0:11:48 > 0:11:49LAUGHTER
0:11:49 > 0:11:51- What I'm saying is...- Yes?
0:11:51 > 0:11:56What I'm saying is, when a gentleman goes to a sperm bank,
0:11:56 > 0:12:00- and they provide you with...- No gentleman goes to a sperm bank, sir!
0:12:00 > 0:12:01LAUGHTER
0:12:01 > 0:12:05They provide you with a copy of Smash Hits, The One Direction Special...
0:12:05 > 0:12:06LAUGHTER
0:12:06 > 0:12:07Yeah.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10- That's... Yes.- Or whatever, yeah.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14I believe that's why Harry Styles's hair goes like that.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19- Something about Harry. - Right across like that. Yeah.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22APPLAUSE
0:12:24 > 0:12:25So, there we are.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28The most dangerous thing in a waiting room is a cuddly toy.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31Which bits of your bodies could you do without?
0:12:31 > 0:12:34I'm going to give you an example of a human body.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37So, that you can possibly... That's for you two.
0:12:37 > 0:12:41- Kidney, you can lose a kidney, can't you?- This is for you two. This is...
0:12:41 > 0:12:42That is one of the most macabre
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Bobbleheads I've ever seen. Look at that.
0:12:45 > 0:12:46LAUGHTER
0:12:46 > 0:12:49- "Good afternoon."- Woohoo!
0:12:50 > 0:12:52- Shall we take out the bits we think? - Yeah, take out the...
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Take out the bits we think?
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Take out a bit that you think we can do without.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59- You're taking out the entire intestines.- Stop it.
0:12:59 > 0:13:00LAUGHTER
0:13:00 > 0:13:05There goes the liver. There goes one lung and another.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07I don't know what that is, but it's going.
0:13:07 > 0:13:08ALAN GROANS
0:13:12 > 0:13:15- You got that right.- He died. It's died.- That's one dead human.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Are you offering me a lung? Half a brain.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21No, I was just trying to make a pork pie.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23LAUGHTER
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Oh!
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Fine, it's fine...
0:13:27 > 0:13:29There it is!
0:13:29 > 0:13:31What have you got there? A kidney.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34A kidney. That's what I was looking for!
0:13:34 > 0:13:38It's not good surgical practice to get rid of everything else
0:13:38 > 0:13:40- between you and the kidney. - I couldn't get to the kidney!
0:13:40 > 0:13:43And now, I can't get it back together again.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46- I'm going to say... - Nurse!- Right.
0:13:46 > 0:13:50I'm going to say, if you're a man, you don't... Do you need a nipple?
0:13:50 > 0:13:53It's a very good question, as to why men have nipples at all.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56They look hot when they're pierced, but apart from that.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59I don't really know why else you would need one.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02Well, the fact is that, there are lots of bits you can do without.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05- Tonsils, obviously, you knew that. - Appendix, you have those out.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Appendix, you knew that. What else have you come across?
0:14:07 > 0:14:09You've given me a kidney, which is good.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11I can't get it back together again.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14- Gall bladder you could give me. Sinuses.- Head.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17- Sinuses?- Yeah.- You don't need a face.- Appendix. Testes.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20I mean, obviously, we LIKE having testes, if you're a man,
0:14:20 > 0:14:22but you won't die if they're taken away.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24- Mine hasn't got any testes, sir. - Uterus.- Uterus, ovaries,
0:14:24 > 0:14:27- all that shebang. - You can lose the ovaries.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30- Basically, all you need is a neck. - Yeah. Half your brain can go.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33In fact, there's an operation, a hemispherectomy.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36- Well you've done very well with that, haven't you?- Thanks, yes.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38LAUGHTER
0:14:38 > 0:14:40- Congratulations. - Thank you very much.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42APPLAUSE
0:14:42 > 0:14:45- If you remove... - Oh, hang on, hair! What about hair?
0:14:45 > 0:14:49Yes. And what do you reckon, Matt?
0:14:49 > 0:14:52LAUGHTER
0:14:55 > 0:14:59Well, I don't know why you're asking me.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02- What happens if I were to remove four fifths of your liver?- Yeah.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04It would grow back.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07Yes, that's the thing about livers, they do, they regenerate,
0:15:07 > 0:15:08you get that back.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11- Teeth, obviously.- Bladders can also be regrown, amazingly.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14The bones in your leg, the fibula and tibia,
0:15:14 > 0:15:16the fibula isn't load-bearing,
0:15:16 > 0:15:19so you could lose that and you'd still be able to walk.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23Really? I'll have that out. I'm going to do it.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Can you name one of the most famous people on earth
0:15:26 > 0:15:30who has gone without a lung since he was a teenager?
0:15:30 > 0:15:33- He, so, it's a he.- Justin Bieber.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Possibly more famous than Justin Bieber.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Barack Obama. No, I can't. I don't know.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Hang on a minute, more famous than Justin Bieber?
0:15:41 > 0:15:45- Harry Styles? - Argentinian.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48"I don't know foreign people, what's all this about?!"
0:15:48 > 0:15:51- There's only one truly famous Argentinian.- "Well, I don't know 'em,
0:15:51 > 0:15:53"I don't know, I tell you, I don't watch that show."
0:15:53 > 0:15:55- Pele.- Diego Mara...- Diego Maradona.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Diego Maradona's the only one I know.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59- No. The Pope! ALL:- Oh.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01- Oh, yes, he is quite famous! - Pope Francis, there he is.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04- The Pope, yes.- Yeah. - He's only got the one lung?
0:16:04 > 0:16:06He's gone happily without a lung for a long time.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08What happened when they were picking him
0:16:08 > 0:16:10and all that smoke's coming out of the top...
0:16:10 > 0:16:13Oh, I bet he was wheezing up that bit, wasn't he?
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Going "Hey! You're the Pope!"
0:16:15 > 0:16:18He's going, "Oh, oh, me lungs! Oh, me one lung's playing up, mate!"
0:16:18 > 0:16:21Was he born with one lung, or did he have it removed, he lost it?
0:16:21 > 0:16:24As a teenager he had one removed. So, good.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26- Can you pop your bodies away. Did I just say that?- Yes.
0:16:26 > 0:16:30- Put your bodies away.- And we just reacted as if that was normal.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33There's your kidney. OK, so, Alan, I've got a question for you.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36It's quite complicated in a way.
0:16:36 > 0:16:37If you had kidney failure...
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Right.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43I would willingly, happily, gladly donate a kidney to you.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46LAUGHTER
0:16:46 > 0:16:48There you are...
0:16:48 > 0:16:51I don't like the way they're looking at me, I must say.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54- So, you've got one of my kidneys, I'm glad...- Thank you, Stephen.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56There's no greater cause.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58That would leave me with one kidney, obviously.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00How many kidneys would you have?
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Well, I presume that I've lost one,
0:17:03 > 0:17:07one's failed, and you've given me one, so I've got two.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09KLAXON BLARES Oh!
0:17:11 > 0:17:14- It's a strange thing... - 14 years!
0:17:15 > 0:17:17..in the world of renology,
0:17:17 > 0:17:21is that when someone has a kidney transplant...
0:17:21 > 0:17:23- Yes. They take them both out. - The old one stays in.
0:17:23 > 0:17:28- Oh, does it?- Yes. So you'd have three.- Oh.- Very odd, isn't it?
0:17:28 > 0:17:30- That's greedy, isn't it? - It's greedy, it seems it.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33There's a case of a man who had repeated transplants
0:17:33 > 0:17:35and he has five kidneys inside him.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38- Enough for a pie, isn't it? - He's almost a stew.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40LAUGHTER
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Oh, I wish I was wearing a hat,
0:17:46 > 0:17:48I would have taken it off to you for that.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Here's another handshake.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Well, there are many body parts that anybody can do without.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56What's wrong with 80% of medical students?
0:17:59 > 0:18:01They're so tired from pole dancing all night...
0:18:01 > 0:18:03LAUGHTER
0:18:05 > 0:18:08..they can't focus.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11They're exhausted from complaining about being tired.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Well, medical students do get a hard time of it,
0:18:13 > 0:18:15they get very tired, but they have a condition.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17I'm going to say
0:18:17 > 0:18:22that they imagine that they're ill a lot, because they...
0:18:22 > 0:18:25It's what I have, where you read about stuff, and you go,
0:18:25 > 0:18:28"Oh, my God! Totally got that! I've got totally got that!"
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Yes, hypochondria is what it's all about.
0:18:30 > 0:18:34And medical students tend to believe they have the disease of the week.
0:18:34 > 0:18:39Each week, they learn about some extraordinary new condition
0:18:39 > 0:18:41and they believe they have it.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44And vets get that as well and they think they've got myxomatosis.
0:18:44 > 0:18:45LAUGHTER
0:18:45 > 0:18:48If you were a vet, then you'd end up just loving your ball.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50LAUGHTER
0:18:52 > 0:18:56"Oh, he loves his food, don't you, Doctor?" "Yeah!"
0:18:58 > 0:19:00"Stop licking that, Doctor, stop licking it!"
0:19:00 > 0:19:01"He doesn't mind, he likes it!"
0:19:01 > 0:19:05LAUGHTER Yeah, it's called Medical Student Syndrome,
0:19:05 > 0:19:07and it was first identified in 1908,
0:19:07 > 0:19:09so it's well over 100 years old.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11If they read about Medical Student Syndrome,
0:19:11 > 0:19:13they will also believe they've got that.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16- They'll think they've got everything.- Even if they haven't,
0:19:16 > 0:19:20they will then get it. So, it's long been recognised.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23The worst case scenario is always death.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25It could be, you may just have a headache,
0:19:25 > 0:19:28- or it may be a terminal brain tumour.- Yeah.
0:19:28 > 0:19:29We just don't know. Good day.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32When you smell something that isn't there and no-one else can smell,
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Like, "Can you smell burning rubber or burning hair?"
0:19:34 > 0:19:37And they go, "No. Oh, you might have a brain tumour."
0:19:37 > 0:19:40- Yeah. Or you're pregnant. - Or your head might be on fire!
0:19:40 > 0:19:41Oh, yeah.
0:19:41 > 0:19:45"I can smell burning hair." "Yeah, you want to put that out, mate."
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Yeah, possibly.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Who might be having sex
0:19:49 > 0:19:51on your face
0:19:51 > 0:19:52right now?
0:19:52 > 0:19:54LAUGHTER
0:19:54 > 0:19:55Kim and Kanye?
0:19:58 > 0:20:00- In your dreams!- They love it!
0:20:00 > 0:20:04Who is having sex on your face right now?
0:20:04 > 0:20:08- Bacteria. It's usually bacteria, go with me on this.- Mites.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11Mites, you said mites. Mites was the right answer.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13- Mites.- Mites.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16- Well, it MIGHT be. - Let's... Hey!
0:20:16 > 0:20:19- Mites, maybe.- Let's consider this.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22There are mites that live on the human face.
0:20:23 > 0:20:24They, unfortunately...
0:20:24 > 0:20:27They're disgusted already, don't go any further!
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Only 14% of them are visible to the human eye,
0:20:30 > 0:20:33- most of them are not. ALL:- 14%?!
0:20:33 > 0:20:35- Yes.- Visible?- Yeah. Listening very closely.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37What, just... "I like your moustache!"
0:20:37 > 0:20:40And then it starts curling up like that.
0:20:40 > 0:20:41HE JABBERS
0:20:41 > 0:20:45Not that visible, I mean, they're really, really tiny.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48They're very small. They have no anuses.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Oh, thank God for that!
0:20:50 > 0:20:51No!
0:20:51 > 0:20:54I don't mind the intercourse, it's the shitting I can't stand.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Unfortunately, Alan, the fact they have no anuses means
0:21:01 > 0:21:03that when they die,
0:21:03 > 0:21:07a whole lifetime's waste is deposited on your face.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09LAUGHTER
0:21:09 > 0:21:10That's what happens.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13Is this 14% waste you can see?
0:21:13 > 0:21:15No. But what percentage of human...
0:21:15 > 0:21:18That's a lovely tan you've got there, Stephen.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21LAUGHTER
0:21:24 > 0:21:26You may be right.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30But what percentage, tracking that waste,
0:21:30 > 0:21:32voided at the death of the mite,
0:21:32 > 0:21:34on account of its having no anus,
0:21:34 > 0:21:36what percentage of human beings
0:21:36 > 0:21:39has been calculated to have mites on their face?
0:21:39 > 0:21:43- Oh, I know this.- Yeah? - But I'm not going to tell you.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47Oh, I'll guess at either 12 or 86.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51- Any other thoughts?- High. - 0.1%.- High.- 91%.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53No, the answer is 100%.
0:21:53 > 0:21:58- Oh... - We all have these mites on our faces.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01LAUGHTER All of us, all of us.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04And there's nothing... You can't wash them out,
0:22:04 > 0:22:08- they're perfectly happy to have water...- Her Majesty the Queen?- Yes.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11- Her Majesty the Queen has... - Royal mites.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14..has anus-less mites wandering about willy nilly on her face?
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Jawohl! German mites!
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Unbelievable!
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Her Royal Highness?!
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Yeah, I know. Hard to believe, isn't it?
0:22:23 > 0:22:25But there it is, we all have mites on our face,
0:22:25 > 0:22:27but there are also, some people believe two thirds
0:22:27 > 0:22:32and other scientists believe 98% of us have eyebrow mites.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Although one of us here,
0:22:35 > 0:22:39one of us here won't have eyebrow mites.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Matt might not have eyebrows.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44So, he doesn't, so he doesn't!
0:22:44 > 0:22:46I don't got no eyebrows, cos...
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Mum says it's cos I'm special.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50LAUGHTER
0:22:50 > 0:22:54- Well, you are special. - I am.- You are.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56I lost my hair when I was six.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Was it traumatic? Did you bang your head or something?
0:22:58 > 0:23:02- Well you know, Duncan Goodhew fell out of a tree.- Yeah.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Well, it was my head he landed on and my hair...
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Hey! No, because.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Why? I think it's an overactive immune system,
0:23:10 > 0:23:12that something happened,
0:23:12 > 0:23:15then something inside me said, "Right, we don't need no hair!"
0:23:15 > 0:23:19- Like I'm not...- And treated your hair as a foreign invader.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Yeah, maybe it was just a warm day,
0:23:21 > 0:23:23and we didn't have the window open, I don't know.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Maybe you're just a super-evolved human,
0:23:25 > 0:23:28because we don't really need hair and we're all going...
0:23:28 > 0:23:30No, we do, this country's cold!
0:23:30 > 0:23:33LAUGHTER
0:23:33 > 0:23:35We do, we do.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37I suffer, I do suffer.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40Well, I would say, I mean, I feel your pain,
0:23:40 > 0:23:43but I would say that I'm quite a hairy-chested man,
0:23:43 > 0:23:46and with small children, when you're holding a small child,
0:23:46 > 0:23:51they like to grab a hold of the chest hair and then just lean back.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54LAUGHTER Ow. You don't want that.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57And it's when you've got a beautiful little face just there,
0:23:57 > 0:24:00- just looking at you and you go... - HE SCREAMS - ..into it.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05- Apparently, that's not good for raising a child.- Right.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08- You're trying to make me feel better?- Yeah.- Well, you didn't,
0:24:08 > 0:24:11because I'm gay. I don't have children, I'm very lonely.
0:24:11 > 0:24:12AUDIENCE: Ahhh.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14All right, then, well here's the thing,
0:24:14 > 0:24:17- we'll work out a time-share thing.- OK.
0:24:17 > 0:24:22- I will make you a chest wig out of my own chest hair...- Yes.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24- And glue it onto you.- All right.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27- And then allow my children to rip it off.- OK.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29I'm all about equality, I want you to feel the pain
0:24:29 > 0:24:33- of having your tits ripped off by a small child.- All right.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35And I will arrange for a whole group of men
0:24:35 > 0:24:38- to come and have sex with you. - Marvellous!
0:24:38 > 0:24:41APPLAUSE
0:24:43 > 0:24:47Wow! Marvellous. You were there, ladies and gentlemen.
0:24:47 > 0:24:51Now, which of your organs most resembles an elephant's trunk?
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Come on.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55LAUGHTER
0:24:55 > 0:24:56Oh, God.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59- Go on, who wants it? Alan, Ross, me? - No, no, no, no.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01- Who wants it?- Go on, you go on.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05I'm just trying to think of the most humorous way to phrase it.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Yeah, well, no, it's not. It's not penis. It isn't.
0:25:08 > 0:25:12- Of course, it isn't. Well...- Isn't it? Nose?- Can your penis do that?
0:25:12 > 0:25:13An elephant's penis...
0:25:13 > 0:25:19It may, there may be it's a dangling, pendulous appendage, your penis,
0:25:19 > 0:25:21and so is a trunk, but really,
0:25:21 > 0:25:23truly resembling in structure.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25That's not one there, is it? Down the bottom there?
0:25:25 > 0:25:27It's swinging, yes.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30- That's it, that's the... - He's got tusks down there...
0:25:30 > 0:25:33- There's a lot going on... - Stephen, move out of the way.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35The, yeah, no, the elephant can...
0:25:35 > 0:25:38- It has a...- Yeah.
0:25:38 > 0:25:39Good God!
0:25:39 > 0:25:44- Yes, all right. All right, class. - It has a...
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Very amusing. There's an animal that has organs of generation,
0:25:47 > 0:25:49let's laugh at that for a long time.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52- Hmm.- Yeah, but it is quite funny. - It is funny, though.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54LAUGHTER
0:25:55 > 0:25:57HE GIGGLES
0:25:57 > 0:25:59The elephant, this is...
0:25:59 > 0:26:01And this is true this,
0:26:01 > 0:26:04- the elephant is the only mammal that has a chin.- Yes.
0:26:06 > 0:26:07Well, what about humans?!
0:26:07 > 0:26:09LAUGHTER
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Well, yeah, obviously, apart from humans.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14- Apart from humans. Bruce Forsyth. - He's got two.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Exactly, if he was an elephant. Imagine that.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19But what is it about the trunk that... What is...?
0:26:19 > 0:26:21We have an organ that is like the trunk.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Is it the "prehensility", is that a word?
0:26:23 > 0:26:26African elephants have almost like lips
0:26:26 > 0:26:28which can pick up a blade of grass,
0:26:28 > 0:26:31prehensile kind of little bits there,
0:26:31 > 0:26:34but the actual tongue itself is interesting, it's a muscle.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37- Oh, hang on, so what about the lip?- I mean, the trunk.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40- Ah, have you given us a hint? - The trunk is...- Ah, the tongue!
0:26:40 > 0:26:43- The trunk and our tongue is the same.- Ah.- So what about...?
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Our tongue is also a muscle. It's a muscular hydrostat.
0:26:46 > 0:26:50The reason the trunk can take on any shape is because it's all muscle.
0:26:50 > 0:26:54And mostly water, which you wouldn't think of a muscle, but it's true.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57And water can't be compressed, of course,
0:26:57 > 0:26:58liquids cannot be compressed.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00I've had a Capri-Sun
0:27:00 > 0:27:02and they've got that packet,
0:27:02 > 0:27:05- and they carry it around. - You can put them under pressure, but they will burst out.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08So, that means like, so you can pull a muscle, so does that mean
0:27:08 > 0:27:11that sometimes an elephant will be flicking away and...
0:27:11 > 0:27:12And pull his tongue.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15And he'll go, "Ow! I've cramped-up me trunk!"
0:27:15 > 0:27:18- It's a horrible thought.- And they have to rub a bit of Deep Heat.
0:27:18 > 0:27:22You have to go some to pull a muscle in your tongue though, don't you?
0:27:22 > 0:27:25Well, while on the subject of muscles,
0:27:25 > 0:27:27which of us here has the strongest muscle?
0:27:27 > 0:27:30Well, it's bound to be the lady, isn't it?
0:27:30 > 0:27:32I don't look like that.
0:27:32 > 0:27:36- Yeah, for the birthing. - Yes, so, which muscle would it be?
0:27:36 > 0:27:39Pelvic floor? They're always going on about the pelvic floor.
0:27:39 > 0:27:40LAUGHTER
0:27:40 > 0:27:44- It's the uterus.- Oh, the uterus! - The uterus is a muscle. Yeah.- Yes.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47And of all the muscles in the human body,
0:27:47 > 0:27:50it exerts the most pressure, pound for pound.
0:27:50 > 0:27:55The amount of force that it exerts is the equivalent to a long bow,
0:27:55 > 0:27:57- so if you imagine someone... - Good God!
0:27:57 > 0:28:00Pray God, I'm looking under the desk going,
0:28:00 > 0:28:02"Don't have a long bow under there, please."
0:28:02 > 0:28:03I am not prepared to do that!
0:28:03 > 0:28:06Is that why when my wife went into labour she put an apple on my head?
0:28:06 > 0:28:08LAUGHTER
0:28:09 > 0:28:14Well, the jaw can exert pressure which is extremely high
0:28:14 > 0:28:18and 500 pounds per square inch, roughly, which is enormous.
0:28:18 > 0:28:21And the gluteus maximus is the largest muscle in the human body,
0:28:21 > 0:28:25the buttock muscle. But it is the uterus that wins the prize.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27Now, you mentioned the gluteus maximus,
0:28:27 > 0:28:29the arse muscles there.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31This is a true thing, right.
0:28:31 > 0:28:37It is physically impossible for the human buttocks to break an egg.
0:28:37 > 0:28:40- LAUGHTER - That is true.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43That is absolutely 100% true
0:28:43 > 0:28:45and I've tried it, and...
0:28:47 > 0:28:50- And the beautiful thing...- You put it in the crack in the cleavage?
0:28:50 > 0:28:51As much as you want.
0:28:51 > 0:28:55He's not allowed to work in kitchens any more.
0:28:55 > 0:28:57And he keeps going back like Typhoid Mary.
0:28:59 > 0:29:02Yeah, if you put the egg between the buttocks,
0:29:02 > 0:29:04and then it doesn't matter how hard you squeeze,
0:29:04 > 0:29:06impossible to crack the egg.
0:29:06 > 0:29:08Now, here's the thing, I know that to be true,
0:29:08 > 0:29:10there might be people watching this who question that.
0:29:10 > 0:29:12But I like to think all over the country...
0:29:12 > 0:29:16People are now introducing eggs into the area.
0:29:16 > 0:29:18Heading for the kitchen,
0:29:18 > 0:29:20"Is Noble lying or not?" Hmm.
0:29:20 > 0:29:23I mean, if you've got somebody lying there, you put an egg there,
0:29:23 > 0:29:24if somebody else is there to go like that.
0:29:24 > 0:29:27Ah, but then that's not the muscle doing it.
0:29:27 > 0:29:29- Ah, OK, yeah.- That's the point.
0:29:29 > 0:29:32It's the muscle, can you by a twitch, a pulling in?
0:29:32 > 0:29:35- Exactly.- I'm doing it now.
0:29:35 > 0:29:38- LAUGHTER - I think the worry would be...
0:29:38 > 0:29:41Underneath... Oh, that Cadbury's Creme Egg is gone.
0:29:41 > 0:29:42LAUGHTER
0:29:42 > 0:29:44That's probably melting rather than...
0:29:44 > 0:29:47The worry is that you do it and the egg could go right up.
0:29:47 > 0:29:50- That's a worry? - You see, that's interesting.
0:29:50 > 0:29:52LAUGHTER
0:29:52 > 0:29:53APPLAUSE
0:29:53 > 0:29:54Sorry.
0:29:58 > 0:30:02So, yes, your tongue is a muscular hydrostat,
0:30:02 > 0:30:04like an elephant's trunk.
0:30:04 > 0:30:09What's the difference between "post-orgasmic illness syndrome"
0:30:09 > 0:30:11and "floppy trunk syndrome"?
0:30:11 > 0:30:12GIGGLING
0:30:14 > 0:30:17It was a mistake to choose the blue costume, wasn't it?
0:30:19 > 0:30:22- Those pink ones are floppy trunks, technically.- Yes.
0:30:22 > 0:30:24He needs a bra, doesn't he, that fella...
0:30:25 > 0:30:29- It's show-casing the medal lovely though, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:30:29 > 0:30:31LAUGHTER
0:30:31 > 0:30:33Are these human conditions?
0:30:33 > 0:30:35In the case of floppy trunk syndrome,
0:30:35 > 0:30:38I can tell you that it's not a human condition,
0:30:38 > 0:30:40- you'll be pleased to know. - Is it an elephant?
0:30:40 > 0:30:43It is a condition that affects elephants,
0:30:43 > 0:30:46a very unhappy condition, affects African elephants.
0:30:46 > 0:30:48They can't do anything, without that, can they?
0:30:48 > 0:30:50No, they absolutely can't.
0:30:50 > 0:30:52It just seems to lose all power and it flops
0:30:52 > 0:30:55and they often push it over their heads to keep it out of the way...
0:30:55 > 0:30:58- What, flick it away? - ..to stop it trailing on the ground.
0:30:58 > 0:31:02And then the lady elephant says, "Don't worry, it's happened before."
0:31:02 > 0:31:04- Yes, leaf through these books. - Doesn't matter.
0:31:04 > 0:31:07And they have to half immerse themselves in water just to drink.
0:31:07 > 0:31:10They can't eat properly, they get emaciated
0:31:10 > 0:31:11and they're very often put to death
0:31:11 > 0:31:14as a kind of mercy killing, because there's no cure for it
0:31:14 > 0:31:16and there's no understanding of where it comes from.
0:31:16 > 0:31:20There must be some kind of erectile dysfunction technology
0:31:20 > 0:31:24- that could help.- I suppose, it's a muscle after all, therefore...
0:31:24 > 0:31:27What you don't want is it suddenly shooting straight up.
0:31:27 > 0:31:29LAUGHTER
0:31:29 > 0:31:30That's equally useless.
0:31:32 > 0:31:34It's true, that is just hopeless.
0:31:34 > 0:31:38"Equally useless" is a very good phrase.
0:31:38 > 0:31:40It can't get out from the tree.
0:31:40 > 0:31:41LAUGHTER
0:31:41 > 0:31:44So that's your floppy trunk syndrome.
0:31:44 > 0:31:45What's your post-orgasmic illness?
0:31:45 > 0:31:49- I presume that does affect humans rather than...- This is human, yeah.
0:31:49 > 0:31:51Is it those feelings of revulsion that you get after...
0:31:51 > 0:31:53Yes, yeah, absolutely.
0:31:53 > 0:31:55Where you're just saying, "I don't even care what is,
0:31:55 > 0:31:59- "I don't know the name, I just want them to leave."- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:31:59 > 0:32:04You can say, "Just here, please, driver," and get out.
0:32:04 > 0:32:07This is a worse version. These are the symptoms.
0:32:07 > 0:32:08After sex, flu-like symptoms,
0:32:08 > 0:32:13rashes, itching, exhaustion and concentration difficulties,
0:32:13 > 0:32:14Alan.
0:32:15 > 0:32:17I'm sorry?
0:32:17 > 0:32:18It happens to men
0:32:18 > 0:32:24and it's believed to be a result of being allergic to your own semen.
0:32:24 > 0:32:26Ah.
0:32:26 > 0:32:28Not because you've drunk it or tasted it,
0:32:28 > 0:32:31though let's face it, which of us hasn't?
0:32:31 > 0:32:33It's...
0:32:33 > 0:32:35Oh... Oh, dear.
0:32:35 > 0:32:37Did I mis...? Did I misjudge?
0:32:38 > 0:32:42Stephen, Stephen, my mum's sitting just up there.
0:32:42 > 0:32:44- Oh! I'm sorry. - She told me not to do this show.
0:32:44 > 0:32:46I am so sorry.
0:32:46 > 0:32:50See if you can guess the cure for being allergic to your own semen?
0:32:50 > 0:32:52Introduced onto your skin or anything like that,
0:32:52 > 0:32:54it caused the problem.
0:32:54 > 0:32:59To solve it, because you know, like, if you're like allergic to cats
0:32:59 > 0:33:03- and you slowly bring a cat closer... - Yes.- Is it the same thing?
0:33:03 > 0:33:06- Yes.- Do you just...?- Yes, it is. - You stand on your head and, well...?
0:33:06 > 0:33:08Well, you don't have to do that,
0:33:08 > 0:33:10- you ask a doctor to do it for you. - Oh, God, no!
0:33:10 > 0:33:14Multiple subcutaneous injections of your own semen.
0:33:14 > 0:33:18Well, I've injected into others, but not into myself.
0:33:18 > 0:33:20Oh!
0:33:20 > 0:33:21I would...
0:33:21 > 0:33:23How dare you?! Your mum's in tonight!
0:33:23 > 0:33:25Oh, yeah, sorry, Mum. Sorry.
0:33:25 > 0:33:28I'd be less comfortable injecting into myself,
0:33:28 > 0:33:29I don't think it would reach.
0:33:29 > 0:33:31Right, yes, absolutely, completely.
0:33:31 > 0:33:35Oh, don't go coy, now, Stephen Fry! You brought it up!
0:33:35 > 0:33:38Why, on this picture of sperm, have they blotted out all the faces?
0:33:38 > 0:33:40LAUGHTER
0:33:40 > 0:33:42Good question.
0:33:42 > 0:33:44Well, that seems to be the problem with multiple...
0:33:44 > 0:33:47Oh, post-orgasmic syndrome.
0:33:47 > 0:33:50LAUGHTER
0:33:50 > 0:33:52I imagine the effort, the physical effort.
0:33:52 > 0:33:55Another unfortunate allergy is suffered by Ian Wragg,
0:33:55 > 0:33:57spelled W-R-A-G-G,
0:33:57 > 0:33:59a Yorkshire magician,
0:33:59 > 0:34:01- who is allergic to the rabbits that he pulls out of the hat.- Aah.
0:34:01 > 0:34:06Well, why doesn't he pull out cocker spaniels, or kittens or...
0:34:06 > 0:34:08That must be brilliant though, seeing his show.
0:34:08 > 0:34:11Because the top hat, if he puts his hand in,
0:34:11 > 0:34:13his hand comes out twice the size.
0:34:15 > 0:34:18He doesn't even need to pull the rabbit out.
0:34:18 > 0:34:20- "Look at this, kids!" - HE YELLS
0:34:22 > 0:34:25We had a lady who came in to work on Little Britain,
0:34:25 > 0:34:29an animal handler, and she was terrified of...
0:34:29 > 0:34:33Is that for bringing in David Walliams? "Here he is!"
0:34:34 > 0:34:37- HE GROWLS - "Oh!"
0:34:37 > 0:34:38It was...
0:34:38 > 0:34:41I'm diplomatically not laughing, but I'm laughing inside.
0:34:43 > 0:34:46And this animal handler was terrified of mice
0:34:46 > 0:34:47and she had mice on the show.
0:34:47 > 0:34:50- She was like... "Ugh, ugh!" - No?- Yeah.
0:34:50 > 0:34:53And I just thought, "Pick another job, there's a lot of other jobs."
0:34:53 > 0:34:56- It's ridiculous.- Yeah, I know. - That's very funny.
0:34:56 > 0:34:58I once worked with an animal handler who,
0:34:58 > 0:35:00he had a parrot on his shoulder
0:35:00 > 0:35:01and he was chatting away
0:35:01 > 0:35:03and then every now and again,
0:35:03 > 0:35:05the parrot would just steal his hearing aid.
0:35:05 > 0:35:08LAUGHTER
0:35:08 > 0:35:11And every time he did it, he looked at him as if to go,
0:35:11 > 0:35:13"Oh, my parrot's just stolen my hearing aid."
0:35:13 > 0:35:16And then he had to try and get it back off the parrot...
0:35:16 > 0:35:18"The parrot's got it." "What?"
0:35:18 > 0:35:20"The parrot's got it." "What? Oh..."
0:35:20 > 0:35:23- Well, there you go. - "I've got it... What?"
0:35:23 > 0:35:26That's one of the worst things an elephant can suffer from,
0:35:26 > 0:35:29it's floppy trunk syndrome.
0:35:29 > 0:35:31Who has the best teeth in the world?
0:35:31 > 0:35:33- I really like this question and the answer.- The Bee Gees.
0:35:33 > 0:35:36- Bee Gees, they have good teeth. - John Bishop?
0:35:36 > 0:35:40- I'm looking for a nation, I'm looking for a people.- Americans.
0:35:40 > 0:35:43KLAXON BLARES Who did you say, Americans? No.
0:35:43 > 0:35:44No, I didn't say that.
0:35:44 > 0:35:47Is it Scandinavian, it must be the Scandinavians...
0:35:47 > 0:35:50- No.- Oh, no, it'll be...- The English. - It'll be the...
0:35:50 > 0:35:53- Yes! The British.- Yeah!- The British have the best teeth in the world!
0:35:53 > 0:35:55CHEERING
0:35:55 > 0:35:58It's true. According to...
0:35:58 > 0:36:00We win again!
0:36:00 > 0:36:01According to the OECD,
0:36:01 > 0:36:05the Organisation of Economic Co-operation and Development,
0:36:05 > 0:36:07- international body.- Well remembered.
0:36:07 > 0:36:10They looked at all the different nations of the Earth
0:36:10 > 0:36:13and they found that, according to fillings and decay, and so on,
0:36:13 > 0:36:19that British children had the best teeth on Planet Earth!
0:36:19 > 0:36:21Did they just go to one particular school in Notting Hill?
0:36:21 > 0:36:23I don't think so. I think it was...
0:36:23 > 0:36:26Yeah, they said that's because we've got less fillings,
0:36:26 > 0:36:29it may be because we don't go to the dentist at all.
0:36:29 > 0:36:31- "Fewer" fillings. - Fewer fillings.
0:36:31 > 0:36:34- Ooh! Stephen... - I was just being silly.
0:36:34 > 0:36:36- Knock knock. - Yeah, who's there?
0:36:36 > 0:36:37- To.- To who?
0:36:37 > 0:36:39No, it's "to whom".
0:36:39 > 0:36:41LAUGHTER
0:36:41 > 0:36:43APPLAUSE Yes, touche!
0:36:43 > 0:36:45- Yes.- Tou-bloody-che!
0:36:45 > 0:36:47Yes. Yes.
0:36:47 > 0:36:49- Oh, I love that. - LAUGHTER
0:36:49 > 0:36:53But, actually, you could argue that the best teeth in the world
0:36:53 > 0:36:57- are in fact not human, but the limpet.- The limpet.
0:36:57 > 0:37:00- What's so great about limpets' teeth? - They get them stuck in a rock.
0:37:00 > 0:37:01Yeah, they're on their tongue
0:37:01 > 0:37:05and they're the strongest biological matter on Earth.
0:37:05 > 0:37:08Incredible power. To give you an example...
0:37:08 > 0:37:10- "Limpets' teeth"?- Limpets' teeth.
0:37:10 > 0:37:14Now how do they compare, on the scale, bees' knees, limpets' teeth?
0:37:14 > 0:37:19Where are we on the scale there?
0:37:19 > 0:37:23Well, it's about hanging things from spaghetti.
0:37:23 > 0:37:25- Right.- Right.
0:37:25 > 0:37:27The "bees' knees", I have to tell you,
0:37:27 > 0:37:30is just an American way of expressing
0:37:30 > 0:37:34when immigrants from Italy and other places said, "It's the business."
0:37:34 > 0:37:35It's the "beesness".
0:37:35 > 0:37:37- Oh.- Became "bees' knees",
0:37:37 > 0:37:41So, it's not really anything to do with the knee of a bee, as such.
0:37:41 > 0:37:43Oh, what about, "It's-a the dog's-a bollocks!"
0:37:43 > 0:37:46LAUGHTER
0:37:46 > 0:37:49But their teeth strength is the equivalent of
0:37:49 > 0:37:52a single string of spaghetti
0:37:52 > 0:37:57holding up 3,000 half-kilo bags of sugar.
0:37:57 > 0:38:00- Or 1,500 kilo bags. - LAUGHTER
0:38:00 > 0:38:02Aaah, right.
0:38:02 > 0:38:04So. Moving on.
0:38:06 > 0:38:08And now, as is our general practice,
0:38:08 > 0:38:12it's time to prescribe a dose of General Ignorance.
0:38:12 > 0:38:13Fingers on buzzers.
0:38:13 > 0:38:17What did Gabriele Falloppio call these?
0:38:18 > 0:38:21DR ZHIVAGO THEME TUNE Yes, Lucy?
0:38:21 > 0:38:22"My bloody tubes."
0:38:22 > 0:38:24"My bloody tubes!"
0:38:24 > 0:38:27He didn't call them tubes. DR FINLAY'S CASEBOOK THEME TUNE
0:38:27 > 0:38:30Are they those, what do they call it, Beats?
0:38:30 > 0:38:32Those headphones, the Beats.
0:38:32 > 0:38:34LAUGHTER
0:38:34 > 0:38:37- Fallopians by Dre.- Yeah.- Dr Dre.
0:38:37 > 0:38:40Fallopian tubes, we think of.
0:38:40 > 0:38:43- Yeah.- But Falloppio... - He called them something else.
0:38:43 > 0:38:47He thought, when he identified these shapes inside the lady person...
0:38:47 > 0:38:48A lady's pipes.
0:38:48 > 0:38:51Yeah, he thought they reminded him of what were
0:38:51 > 0:38:53in those days rather long musical instruments
0:38:53 > 0:38:56with an end like a trumpet's bell, these were tubas.
0:38:56 > 0:38:59And so he called them "tubas".
0:38:59 > 0:39:01And if you have a tuba,
0:39:01 > 0:39:05if you have a word ending in A in Italian,
0:39:05 > 0:39:08how do you pluralise it? What is two "tuba"?
0:39:08 > 0:39:10- Tube.- "Tube."- Tube.
0:39:10 > 0:39:13Tube. With an E on the end, spelled T-U-B-E.
0:39:13 > 0:39:18So, when it went around the world as his "tube", his "tubas",
0:39:18 > 0:39:19people saw the word "tube".
0:39:19 > 0:39:22- But, in fact, he had called them "tubas".- Gosh!
0:39:22 > 0:39:23So now, when a lady breaks wind,
0:39:23 > 0:39:26she can say, "I'm sorry, "it's just my fallopian tubas."
0:39:26 > 0:39:27- ALAN PARPS - Just the old tuba.
0:39:27 > 0:39:29- HE PARPS - Sorry about my tuba.- Her tube.
0:39:29 > 0:39:32That's quite interesting, a reasonably interesting piece.
0:39:32 > 0:39:34- That is quite interesting. - Quite interesting, yes.
0:39:34 > 0:39:36He also gave the world the condom.
0:39:36 > 0:39:39He was 16th century, so it was in 1540s and '50s.
0:39:39 > 0:39:42- What were they made of, then? - I will show you. This. Linen.
0:39:42 > 0:39:43Oh, is it the old pig's bladder?
0:39:43 > 0:39:46- Would you like to play with a condom? - What, is that a real one?
0:39:46 > 0:39:47No, that's not a real one.
0:39:47 > 0:39:50No, made by our director's wife, as a matter of fact.
0:39:53 > 0:39:56HE PUFFS
0:39:56 > 0:39:58I love blowing up a condom, don't you?
0:39:58 > 0:40:00Falloppio was very...
0:40:00 > 0:40:01Didn't answer.
0:40:01 > 0:40:02..ahead of his time.
0:40:02 > 0:40:04A condom for you, there you are.
0:40:04 > 0:40:05He was very ahead of his time.
0:40:05 > 0:40:10He reckoned that the use of these would save a lot of deaths
0:40:10 > 0:40:12and infections from syphilis.
0:40:12 > 0:40:14And he actually gave...
0:40:14 > 0:40:181,100 men, he gave condoms
0:40:18 > 0:40:20and none of them developed syphilis.
0:40:20 > 0:40:24Not one of those men got pregnant. Very good.
0:40:24 > 0:40:26- And I'll tell you what, keep you warm, wouldn't it.- Yeah.
0:40:26 > 0:40:30- Yeah, it's...- Not right for the woman, because it's quite abrasive.
0:40:30 > 0:40:33- Well, yes.- Well... - LUCY GIGGLES
0:40:35 > 0:40:37Yes, I don't know. Oh, Lucy! My!
0:40:37 > 0:40:40Well, it seems that a fallopian tube
0:40:40 > 0:40:43should really have been a fallopian tuba.
0:40:45 > 0:40:48So, which of these couples is most likely to catch a cold?
0:40:48 > 0:40:53Couple on the left, because you get more of it from contact with hands.
0:40:53 > 0:40:56- You're right.- Yeah, because then you scratch your eyes and you...
0:40:56 > 0:40:58- That's exactly the point.- Yes.
0:40:58 > 0:41:01Mucus and the nose, and people who do that who've got a cold.
0:41:01 > 0:41:03They get left everywhere on door handles.
0:41:03 > 0:41:06They shake hands with someone. But saliva is not a problem,
0:41:06 > 0:41:08as far as cold transmission is concerned, at all.
0:41:08 > 0:41:10- Really? Saliva, what you can't, oh...?- No.
0:41:10 > 0:41:12You can osculate as much as you like,
0:41:12 > 0:41:16you can give it good French and you won't necessarily get a cold from it.
0:41:16 > 0:41:19- You may get another disease, but... - Who's that? I've seen her.
0:41:19 > 0:41:21- What's her name? - It's Dame Vera Lynn.
0:41:21 > 0:41:24In the blue, I've seen her. Oh, um, on the stamp, that's it.
0:41:24 > 0:41:28Look at her face, covered in mites! Look at it!
0:41:28 > 0:41:30LAUGHTER
0:41:30 > 0:41:31Disgusting!
0:41:31 > 0:41:34You disgust me, Your Majesty! You disgust me!
0:41:34 > 0:41:38Look at Dame Vera Lynn there, you could eat your dinner off her face!
0:41:38 > 0:41:40That's why we won the war.
0:41:40 > 0:41:43- She's let the country down with those mites.- Yeah.
0:41:43 > 0:41:45Look at Terry Wogan leaning forward going,
0:41:45 > 0:41:47"Oh, Jesus, I poked his eye out,
0:41:47 > 0:41:49"I put him in a pan and boiled his head!"
0:41:49 > 0:41:51LAUGHTER
0:41:51 > 0:41:53Anyway, this could go on for ever, but it mustn't.
0:41:53 > 0:41:56It mustn't, and it won't, and it shan't and shut up!
0:41:56 > 0:41:58So, you're more likely to catch a cold
0:41:58 > 0:42:02from holding someone's hand than tickling their tonsils.
0:42:02 > 0:42:06Here's an easy question, what's a hip fracture?
0:42:06 > 0:42:08It's cracking the hip bone?
0:42:08 > 0:42:10Is it not really a fracture and that's why you're asking us...?
0:42:10 > 0:42:12KLAXON BLARES
0:42:12 > 0:42:15- A fracture of the hip. - Oh, I see.
0:42:15 > 0:42:17- A hip fracture is not a fracture of the hip.- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:42:17 > 0:42:20It's weird to say this, but it's true.
0:42:20 > 0:42:23A hip fracture is a fracture of the femur, of the long thigh bone,
0:42:23 > 0:42:26- there.- OK, but, what if you actually fracture your hip, you'll...
0:42:26 > 0:42:27That's a pelvic fracture.
0:42:27 > 0:42:30But what if you actually fracture your pelvis? We could go on...
0:42:30 > 0:42:33- I know, I know. - It's a different name for every one!
0:42:33 > 0:42:36I know, it does seem mad, it's a question that was designed
0:42:36 > 0:42:38simply to get points out of Alan and it worked, and so...
0:42:38 > 0:42:41God, well, no wonder the doctors are going mad.
0:42:41 > 0:42:43Yeah, it is a bit peculiar, I grant you.
0:42:43 > 0:42:45And we now come coughing and spluttering
0:42:45 > 0:42:51to the most heavily doctored part of the whole evening - the scores.
0:42:51 > 0:42:56Oh, my. Well, in first place, with not a cough, not a tickle,
0:42:56 > 0:42:58clear skin, free of mites,
0:42:58 > 0:43:00on 9 points, it's Lucy Porter.
0:43:00 > 0:43:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:03 > 0:43:04I thank you.
0:43:04 > 0:43:07I know.
0:43:07 > 0:43:09In second place, almost as healthy,
0:43:09 > 0:43:11it's Ross Noble on 7 points!
0:43:11 > 0:43:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:16 > 0:43:19On -5, with a tickly throat,
0:43:19 > 0:43:21and not looking too well,
0:43:21 > 0:43:23it's Matt Lucas.
0:43:23 > 0:43:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:24 > 0:43:25Thank you.
0:43:29 > 0:43:33And groaning and wheezing
0:43:33 > 0:43:37at death's door on -44, Alan Davies.
0:43:37 > 0:43:40- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - What?!
0:43:46 > 0:43:50So, it only remains for me to thank Matt, Ross, Lucy and Alan.
0:43:50 > 0:43:53I leave you with the words of Rodney Dangerfield.
0:43:53 > 0:43:57"When I was born, I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother."
0:43:57 > 0:43:59Goodnight.