0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:30 > 0:00:31APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:35Good evening, good evening, good evening and welcome to QI.
0:00:35 > 0:00:40Tonight we're making a meal of it with a muster of master chefs.
0:00:40 > 0:00:45On tonight's mouthwatering menu, mincing his words, Phill Jupitus.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48APPLAUSE
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Mixing her metaphors, Cariad Lloyd.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55APPLAUSE
0:00:55 > 0:01:00Marinating in his own juices, Dermot O'Leary.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03APPLAUSE
0:01:03 > 0:01:06And with a soggy bottom, Alan Davies.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09APPLAUSE
0:01:10 > 0:01:14So let's hear their buzzers. Cariad goes...
0:01:14 > 0:01:18# Food, glorious food. #
0:01:18 > 0:01:19- Nice.- Phill goes...
0:01:19 > 0:01:22# Hot sausage and mustard. #
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Dermot goes...
0:01:24 > 0:01:27# While we're in the mood
0:01:27 > 0:01:31# Cold jelly and custard. #
0:01:31 > 0:01:32And Alan goes...
0:01:32 > 0:01:34LOUD BELCH
0:01:40 > 0:01:45So, what's missing from this menu?
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Three tortoises.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57Can you imagine the anal retentives looking at that picture at home?
0:02:00 > 0:02:02I just want to say "hare."
0:02:02 > 0:02:04KLAXON
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Welcome to our world, Cariad.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11- Thank you.- The tortoises and the hare, not, sadly.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15- That's 69 tortoises.- 69 tortoises,
0:02:15 > 0:02:17and the bitch ain't one.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26- That's what we were thinking of. - Is that a song?
0:02:26 > 0:02:28I believe it's popular in the hit parade right now.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30You've had that on Radio 2, I'm sure.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32What do we know about tortoises?
0:02:32 > 0:02:35They are old.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38There's one that just died that was around in George III's time.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41- Yes, there was.- How would you know if it was dead?
0:02:41 > 0:02:43It belonged to Clive of India. Sorry?
0:02:43 > 0:02:47You'd have to wait a few months to be sure it's dead or just asleep.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51Don't bury it, for God's sake.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Why do you think they have such enormous shells?
0:02:54 > 0:02:56They've got big TVs.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Lot of stuff. Lot of belongings.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02That's the thing about getting old, you look around and you think,
0:03:02 > 0:03:05my God, look how much shit I've got.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08If you're an agoraphobic tortoise.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11- Terrifying.- It's better than being a claustrophobic tortoise.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16There's three in London Zoo and the oldest is about 90...
0:03:16 > 0:03:19- Cos they live to about 150, right?- Oh, indeed.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21And as Cariad said, even longer.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23There's one that lived at the time of Mozart
0:03:23 > 0:03:25and it only died a few years ago.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Didn't Darwin's tortoise die recently, or is he still around?
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Well, interestingly, there was a story
0:03:29 > 0:03:34that Alan may remember of Darwin and giant...?
0:03:34 > 0:03:37- Oh, yeah. Didn't they all get eaten on the boat?- Yeah.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39They were so delicious, that's the point.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Wouldn't it be brilliant if The Origin Of Species
0:03:42 > 0:03:45just halfway through turned into a cookbook?
0:03:45 > 0:03:49"I basically put it to you all, members of the Royal Society,
0:03:49 > 0:03:51"everything is bloody delicious."
0:03:53 > 0:03:57Funnily enough, Darwin at Cambridge was a member of a club
0:03:57 > 0:03:59which specialised in eating rare animals.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02- Oh.- And he loved that. So he obviously...- So that is why he went?
0:04:02 > 0:04:05- For recipes.- Well, one of his interests was...
0:04:05 > 0:04:11"Dear Diary, today I tasted deli-cious dodo.
0:04:12 > 0:04:13"Rare."
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Well, to return to our question, yes, these tortoises...
0:04:19 > 0:04:22I was guiding you towards the idea that they might have been delicious
0:04:22 > 0:04:27because they are evidence of the first ever human feast.
0:04:27 > 0:04:32- The first ever menu.- Rather than just eating, a real feast.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35And there were 71 tortoises consumed at this feast,
0:04:35 > 0:04:38it would seem from archaeological evidence.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42So Alan said there were three tortoises missing from that list.
0:04:42 > 0:04:47In fact, there were two missing, because it should have been 71
0:04:47 > 0:04:50instead of 69, so you're going to have to have a point for that.
0:04:50 > 0:04:51Why not?
0:04:51 > 0:04:54APPLAUSE
0:04:56 > 0:04:59I'm plus one, so I'm not going to speak again.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04There was a female shaman's body discovered
0:05:04 > 0:05:08next to all these shells and it seems there was a giant feast.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10It was 12,000 years ago.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Seems just unfair, really.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17You're basically born with a wok on your back.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19The original microwave meal.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21The tortoise.
0:05:21 > 0:05:22Just pierce the top.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25GROANING
0:05:25 > 0:05:28It was 12,000 years ago, guys! I wasn't there!
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Too soon!
0:05:32 > 0:05:36If it's anything like a micro meal, you stab it lots of times.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Never sure how many they mean when they say...
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Have you got a set number you do?
0:05:41 > 0:05:45- Have you got a microwave?- Yeah. - The idea of you at the microwave!
0:05:47 > 0:05:50I had to do TV dramas where you...
0:05:50 > 0:05:52"I was playing a rough type!"
0:05:55 > 0:05:58My microwave annoys me, I used to have one that just went ping,
0:05:58 > 0:06:00- that was fine. Ping - it's finished. - Simple.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Come and get it, don't get it,
0:06:02 > 0:06:06whatever, we're just letting you know.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10Now we've got one that goes, beep, beep, beep, beep...
0:06:10 > 0:06:13As your food slowly reverses out of the kitchen.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18APPLAUSE
0:06:19 > 0:06:22I wish it would!
0:06:22 > 0:06:26I'm at the other end going, "I know! In a minute!
0:06:26 > 0:06:30"Sorry, the microwave is pissing me off."
0:06:30 > 0:06:34If we leave the fridge open, it goes, beep, beep, beep, beep!
0:06:34 > 0:06:38The washing machine is going, "I'm finished! Beep, beep, beep!"
0:06:38 > 0:06:41Oh, Jesus. It must be like living with Kraftwerk.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46Get them all synced up right.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49These weren't microwaved, were they, Stephen?
0:06:49 > 0:06:50These were not microwaved.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52They were roasted in their shells.
0:06:52 > 0:06:57- Alive, probably?- Yeah. Heroes in a half shell. Very sad.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Very sad.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Leonardo, Donatello...
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Is that Splinter at the bottom, then?
0:07:11 > 0:07:13So, when might the first menu have appeared?
0:07:13 > 0:07:17When do you guess that archaeology discovered the first actual menu
0:07:17 > 0:07:19- as opposed to signs of a feast? - Oh, the first menu?
0:07:19 > 0:07:22The Chinese were the first people, I thought.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25- They did discover one in ancient Egypt.- Oh, really?
0:07:25 > 0:07:26And it was quite detailed.
0:07:26 > 0:07:30It was the celebration feast for two twins that had been born,
0:07:30 > 0:07:33one of whom became Ramses II, so it was quite an important event.
0:07:33 > 0:07:38- This was a menu actually not for the diners.- For the camels.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41- No.- Was it for the chefs? - Yeah, for the kitchens.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45The first record that we have of a menu for diners is actually French.
0:07:45 > 0:07:4818th-century French menus, they used to have,
0:07:48 > 0:07:50where people could choose their food.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53The oldest known feast was turtle-y delicious!
0:07:53 > 0:07:57That was the menu for the world's first shared feast. GROANING
0:07:57 > 0:08:00All right! Back off, you lot.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04Tell me, why wouldn't you want to share a meal with these men?
0:08:04 > 0:08:06They'd kill you.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Looks like it. As you can see they've got napkins.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14- That doesn't mean they won't kill you!- No, it doesn't.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Well, THEY wouldn't. The meal might.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19One of these men invented Pringles!
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Was it that one with the moustache?
0:08:25 > 0:08:29"I have an idea for a tubular-based potato snack.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33"You laughed at my moustache.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36"You won't laugh at my potato-based tubular snack!"
0:08:37 > 0:08:39See if you can place a date on this.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Er, '20s? Early '20s.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44- 1910s.- Closer.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47- 1909.- Closer still!
0:08:48 > 0:08:491908.
0:08:52 > 0:08:53This guy's on fire!
0:08:53 > 0:08:57- It's between 1902 and 1906, that picture.- OK. Edwardians.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01- Yeah, Edwardian if it were English, but it's not.- Oh. Are they French?
0:09:01 > 0:09:02- Not even French.- American?
0:09:02 > 0:09:04The United States, yeah.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Was it the Americans who introduced certain cutlery?
0:09:07 > 0:09:08They have a word for cutlery.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11They do use the word cutlery, but in certain places in America,
0:09:11 > 0:09:13they very rarely use cutlery. They have another word for it.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17- Do you know what that is?- Hands?
0:09:17 > 0:09:18They call it flatware.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22Where did they get the plastic kettle from in the late 1900s?
0:09:24 > 0:09:26- Morphy Richards, suddenly. - Strangely popped in.
0:09:26 > 0:09:27Something odd going on here.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31There's a guy from Tefal's got a TARDIS. He nips back in time.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Share a meal with this lot, bad idea.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36- It's a bad idea.- Are they cannibals? - Lethal foods.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39- They...- Eat people!- No.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41They were paid in meals,
0:09:41 > 0:09:46three meals a day was their reward for eating...?
0:09:46 > 0:09:48- Food?- Poison, or at least eating additives
0:09:48 > 0:09:50that could be considered dangerous.
0:09:50 > 0:09:54It was the first move on the part of the US Department of Agriculture
0:09:54 > 0:09:58to codify the possibility of additives being something
0:09:58 > 0:10:02that you could regulate, so they got these volunteers
0:10:02 > 0:10:05who swiftly gained the nickname "The Poison Club."
0:10:05 > 0:10:08They ate some extraordinary things.
0:10:08 > 0:10:13October 1902 to July 1903, they experimented with eating borax.
0:10:13 > 0:10:18Their Christmas menu was apple sauce, borax, soup, borax,
0:10:18 > 0:10:22turkey, borax, borax, carrots, green beans,
0:10:22 > 0:10:25sweet potatoes, white potatoes, turnips, borax,
0:10:25 > 0:10:27chipped beef, cream gravy, cranberry sauce, celery, pickles,
0:10:27 > 0:10:31rice pudding, milk, bread and butter, tea, coffee, little borax.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33They were well fed.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36"I don't like borax!"
0:10:36 > 0:10:38"You're having it! I've told you, it's Christmas,
0:10:38 > 0:10:41"everyone's having borax! Your dad likes it."
0:10:41 > 0:10:46"And now Andy Williams with A Very Borax Christmas."
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Can you name something that we use borax for today?
0:10:49 > 0:10:52- Is it an element? - Cleaning.- Washing powder.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56Cleaning, as a detergent, but it's used as a fire retardant
0:10:56 > 0:10:59and an antifungal compound.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Quite useful to have in your system then, really?
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Resistant to poison and flames.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07That's true!
0:11:07 > 0:11:10No record of any of them actually dying but they were weighed
0:11:10 > 0:11:13and their blood pressure was taken and their pulse and everything else.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Until 1912, when they introduced LD50 testing,
0:11:16 > 0:11:18and then it all went tits-up.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22And in 1906, Congress passed a couple of acts,
0:11:22 > 0:11:25the Meat Inspection Act and the Pure Food And Drug Act,
0:11:25 > 0:11:30which was to help with food, for the first time, that's the point.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34There you are, never accept a dinner invitation from The Poison Squad.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38Who likes to feast on a breakfast menu of horse manure,
0:11:38 > 0:11:44rancid pickled mudfish, Thai Boy shrimp and Big Cock shrimp paste?
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Vietnamese? This is items...
0:11:49 > 0:11:53I got sent some Big Cock paste.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56An Amazon order went terribly wrong in your house.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00It exists, Big Cock shrimp paste and Thai Boy shrimp paste, both exist.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03I'm married to a Norwegian,
0:12:03 > 0:12:07and they eat a dish all over Norway called lutefisk,
0:12:07 > 0:12:11which is a jellified fish, and it's cod, really,
0:12:11 > 0:12:14but they bury it, I think, then dry it out,
0:12:14 > 0:12:17and then they served this for me, my in-laws.
0:12:17 > 0:12:18Those bastards!
0:12:20 > 0:12:23They saw you coming, mate! They saw you coming.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27My mother-in-law made me a fish pie, it was delicious.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30So I ate this thing and I did what we always do
0:12:30 > 0:12:33when you don't like something and you're round someone's house.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35"OH, GOD!
0:12:37 > 0:12:40"WHAT IS THIS?!"
0:12:40 > 0:12:43I just ate it really quickly,
0:12:43 > 0:12:46at which point my mother-in-law went,
0:12:46 > 0:12:49"This is fantastic, you must have some more."
0:12:49 > 0:12:51And I finished and I thought, I've got to be honest with them,
0:12:51 > 0:12:56and I said at the end, "I'm really sorry but I really don't like it."
0:12:56 > 0:12:59They went, "We hate it, we're only serving it because you're here."
0:13:01 > 0:13:03That's Norwegian...
0:13:03 > 0:13:05That's brilliant.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09Well, it may be the case that that's what this particular feaster
0:13:09 > 0:13:11on these foods also thinks,
0:13:11 > 0:13:14but it seems unlikely because it's not human.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17- I was going to say, is it an animal? - It is a living creature.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20- Very beautiful.- Flamingo.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Not a flamingo, it's one you'd find in Britain.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24In fact, it's in Britain that it's offered this food.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27Regularly, once a year as a sort of tribute to its beauty.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Prince Philip.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36APPLAUSE
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Has it got four legs?
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Six. Six legs.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Is it an ant?
0:13:49 > 0:13:51It's not an ant, but it is definitely an insect.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54- Is it a bee?- No, but it's a flying insect.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Is it a fly?
0:13:57 > 0:13:59It has the word "fly" in its family name.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01- Dragonfly.- A butterfly.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04A species of butterfly.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06There it is. A very beautiful butterfly.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09It's a Purple Emperor.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11A cock-hungry Purple Emperor.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17- Yes.- "Settled on my bell-end."
0:14:17 > 0:14:22- Please!- "At four o'clock in the morning."
0:14:22 > 0:14:24"I was out in the garden the other day
0:14:24 > 0:14:27"and I was admiring a cock-hungry Purple Emperor
0:14:27 > 0:14:29"on my red-hot poker."
0:14:32 > 0:14:34"There was paste everywhere."
0:14:42 > 0:14:44"The poor bugger couldn't take off."
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Now, calm down.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Anyway, they live in the trees high up,
0:14:53 > 0:14:55so how do they know they have a taste for all this?
0:14:55 > 0:14:59Well, they've been observed midsummer coming down from their usual
0:14:59 > 0:15:03feeding areas high in the trees and going for cowpats
0:15:03 > 0:15:06and that sort of thing, and other rotting and horrible things,
0:15:06 > 0:15:10and so - because they are so admired and particularly in Northamptonshire,
0:15:10 > 0:15:14a little picnic is spread out for them in midsummer
0:15:14 > 0:15:19including rancid pickled mudfish, fox guts, stinking Big Cock shrimp paste,
0:15:19 > 0:15:23and Thai Boy shrimp paste, and they seem to like this,
0:15:23 > 0:15:25possibly because of its sodium content.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28No-one is quite sure but it's a weird thing
0:15:28 > 0:15:33if you find yourself midsummer in Northamptonshire, follow the smell.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Lots of those beautiful animals.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39- In a forest, they lay this out, did you say?- In a clearing.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41You could get into real trouble
0:15:41 > 0:15:43if you go looking for a dodgy smell in a forest.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46If you go looking for the smell of sodium and shrimp paste,
0:15:46 > 0:15:50you might walk into something other than a butterfly celebration.
0:15:50 > 0:15:51I'm just saying.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Especially in Northamptonshire.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58What are you implying, especially in Northamptonshire?
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Just suggesting.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03That they indulge in butterfly dogging, is that what you're saying?
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Maybe.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Anyway, a beautiful animal, the Purple Emperor butterfly.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Likes to start its today with rancid pickled mudfish,
0:16:11 > 0:16:15Thai Boy shrimp paste and Big Cock shrimp paste.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Mmm.
0:16:21 > 0:16:22What are you, 12?
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Come on!
0:16:26 > 0:16:29When will the phrase "Big Cock shrimp paste" not be funny?
0:16:29 > 0:16:32Never.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34All right.
0:16:34 > 0:16:38Speaking of mornings, where's the worst place to be
0:16:38 > 0:16:40if you're not a morning person?
0:16:40 > 0:16:41Funeral.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43Ah-ha!
0:16:43 > 0:16:44You see, you know me well enough
0:16:44 > 0:16:48to know that I say "moor-ning" for that kind.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50For so many things, love.
0:16:50 > 0:16:51Erm...
0:16:51 > 0:16:55Is this somewhere where it's morning all the time or something like that?
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Not quite all the time, but you get a lot of mornings.
0:16:58 > 0:17:02- Some human beings have experienced it.- The Space Station.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05- Yes, the International Space Station. - Oh, very good, Dermot.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08How many mornings do you think you get in a 24-hour period?
0:17:08 > 0:17:11It goes... I did a show about it last year.
0:17:11 > 0:17:17It goes 17,500 mph and it laps the planet every 90 minutes.
0:17:17 > 0:17:18Someone else do the maths!
0:17:20 > 0:17:23- Very good info. It's 15 mornings you get in a 24-hour period.- Wow.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26An incredible astronaut called Luca Parmitano,
0:17:26 > 0:17:27who I interviewed last year,
0:17:27 > 0:17:29almost drowned in his own space suit
0:17:29 > 0:17:32because the cooling fluid started leaking into his helmet.
0:17:32 > 0:17:33And just as they said,
0:17:33 > 0:17:36"Listen, we've got to get you back into the air lock," which was...
0:17:36 > 0:17:39You know, he was on a five-hour spacewalk...
0:17:39 > 0:17:41The sun went down like that.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44And so he immediately was just in pitch-black, pitch darkness.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46He had to find his way all the way through.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48And I said to him, "How weren't you panicking?"
0:17:48 > 0:17:51He said, "It's just training." You know it so well,
0:17:51 > 0:17:54because they've got biggest swimming pool in the world there
0:17:54 > 0:17:55that they train on underwater,
0:17:55 > 0:17:59and he said he was just able to feel every part of the space station.
0:17:59 > 0:18:00He knew exactly where he was.
0:18:00 > 0:18:04- That's absolutely wonderful. - It's a great story of survival.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06The best ISS story they told me when I was over there -
0:18:06 > 0:18:08because the Russians built half of it
0:18:08 > 0:18:09and the Americans built half of it,
0:18:09 > 0:18:15and so they had to link when it got 250 miles above the Earth.
0:18:15 > 0:18:16And...
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Excuse me being crude, but one half has to be the female
0:18:19 > 0:18:22and one half has to be the male, i.e...
0:18:22 > 0:18:23HE CLICKS
0:18:23 > 0:18:28And neither the Russians or the Americans wanted to be the female.
0:18:28 > 0:18:29Oh, pathetic!
0:18:29 > 0:18:31- Unbelievable, isn't it?- Pathetic!
0:18:31 > 0:18:35- They had to redesign...- So it did a monkey grip?- Yeah, pretty much.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Locked in like that.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Childish beyond belief!
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Can they redesign everything to...?
0:18:44 > 0:18:47- We can all...- That's just fine. - We can all just monkey grip.
0:18:47 > 0:18:48That sounds great.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50I was with Dermot as far as that,
0:18:50 > 0:18:52but I didn't know what the clock was.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56I mean, I've not been putting myself through 45 degrees.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58- Have I been making a mistake?- Maybe.
0:18:58 > 0:18:59That's why I've got two girls.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Didn't follow through.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06- When...- I didn't carry on till there was a click.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09HE GIGGLES
0:19:09 > 0:19:11And here's some more that Dermot may well know.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13How do you brush your teeth in space?
0:19:13 > 0:19:15I don't know. You use a powder or something?
0:19:15 > 0:19:18You brush them normally, but afterwards, obviously,
0:19:18 > 0:19:19you can't spit it out.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23- Swallow it?- So you swallow it or you spit it into a towel.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Showering?
0:19:25 > 0:19:29- Er, wet wipes.- Wet wipes.- Yeah, can't do it. Exactly.- Cat's lick.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Space wipes! You can put "space" in front of everything.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Space wipes!
0:19:33 > 0:19:37"Gotta use my space brush and my space towel!"
0:19:37 > 0:19:39It's like Glastonbury, though. You can't...
0:19:39 > 0:19:42You know, quite often you can't get access to showers at Glastonbury,
0:19:42 > 0:19:43so you just take a lot of wet wipes,
0:19:43 > 0:19:45or a J cloth and some bleach.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49It's called a cat's lick wash.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53- I like that.- That's...a certain East London... A cat's lick.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57You get a flannel. Cat's lick. You just do the bits that matter.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00But they're quite keen on organics at Glastonbury.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Do you think they have trained cats?
0:20:04 > 0:20:05I'm sure they do.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08And I'm sure those cats know how to monkey grip as well.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11I have a fact for you that I want you to explain how this can be true,
0:20:11 > 0:20:12and it is true.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15The first British woman in space...
0:20:15 > 0:20:16Sue Barker.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Helen Sharman, right.
0:20:19 > 0:20:23Not just the first British woman in space, the first Briton in space.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25She came from Mars.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27OK...
0:20:27 > 0:20:29- Is Mars a place in Northamptonshire? - No.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33- It's not.- Slough?
0:20:33 > 0:20:35That's where they make Mars Bars.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Yes, she worked for Mars before she worked for the space agency.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41She came from Mars. So, she might have come from...
0:20:41 > 0:20:44you know, Walkers crisps or something, but she came from Mars.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46In fact, she worked on the team that created...
0:20:46 > 0:20:48- The Milky Way! - ..Mars Bar ice cream.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50That deserves going into space for.
0:20:50 > 0:20:54And the way she became an astronaut is entirely pleasing.
0:20:54 > 0:20:55Competition winner.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00She was driving along and she heard on the radio, the car radio,
0:21:00 > 0:21:05she heard an advert that just said, "Astronauts wanted.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08"No previous experience necessary."
0:21:08 > 0:21:11And she applied and she got it and she became the first Briton in space.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14- I think that's really fabulous. - I missed those adverts.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16When did they play those adverts?
0:21:21 > 0:21:24Now, from breakfast time to teatime.
0:21:24 > 0:21:29Name two things you can get from a kangaroo's nipple.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33Do you see? When I said "teatime," I said "teat time."
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Yes. Clever, wasn't it?
0:21:35 > 0:21:38- I bet they don't lactate. - Oh, they do.- Is it a trick?
0:21:38 > 0:21:41No, they do lactate and that's what's so interesting.
0:21:41 > 0:21:45Castlemaine XXXX out of one, Foster's out of the other.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49They have little babies that are born almost still foetuses.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53Like little maggots, they're tiny little wriggly things, called joeys.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56And then they have to crawl to the pouch of their own accord.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58And the nipples are in the pouch.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01But there might be a much older brother or sister in there.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04They can do something with their eggs, can't they?
0:22:04 > 0:22:08If they're nursing one joey, they can hold off the egg...
0:22:08 > 0:22:11No, actually. Quite the reverse, they can have two joeys who are
0:22:11 > 0:22:14completely different ages and have different needs.
0:22:14 > 0:22:18- Yeah.- That's the thing. There they are. All these nipples.
0:22:18 > 0:22:22And the nipples know whether it is a young joey who needs
0:22:22 > 0:22:24a kind of semi-skimmed milk,
0:22:24 > 0:22:28which is not so very rich and strong and thick, and there's the older joey
0:22:28 > 0:22:30at another nipple, or even the same nipple later on,
0:22:30 > 0:22:34and it will know that it's an older joey and give it a much thicker...
0:22:34 > 0:22:36And that's a rather magical trick.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38It's because of the power of the suction.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40The young ones don't suck so hard,
0:22:40 > 0:22:44whereas when they really have a go, which the older ones do, they get...
0:22:44 > 0:22:47How do the scientists find these things out?
0:22:47 > 0:22:50What are they doing?
0:22:50 > 0:22:53- AUSSIE ACCENT:- "I'm just popping off down to the kangaroo enclosure
0:22:53 > 0:22:54"for a bit of a suck."
0:22:56 > 0:22:58"That's rich, that's definitely rich."
0:22:58 > 0:23:01"I'm going to suck quite powerfully."
0:23:01 > 0:23:03"I'm taking my younger brother.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06"My younger brother is going to suck a little bit less."
0:23:06 > 0:23:10If you saw a kangaroo with a tiny, tiny joey and a really big joey
0:23:10 > 0:23:12both still suckling,
0:23:12 > 0:23:16you would wonder if they needed the same sort of proteinous drink.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19It wouldn't have crossed my mind, Stephen, to be honest.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22I saw one once and they're quite fun.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24There was a little joey and the tourists came round
0:23:24 > 0:23:27in this wildlife park, and it got a little bit spooked
0:23:27 > 0:23:31so it bounded across to its mother and just leapt in, headfirst.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Oh, they do that!
0:23:33 > 0:23:35The mother went "Oof," like this,
0:23:35 > 0:23:37- and then it was stuck in the sack. - And you see the legs...
0:23:37 > 0:23:42She was going, "Oh, for God's sake!" Then his head came out.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45You think the legs are going to burst through.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47How are they holding that?
0:23:47 > 0:23:49A bin liner couldn't hold them.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Stronger than a bin liner.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54That's the miracle of kangaroo suckling.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Who do you think...?
0:23:56 > 0:23:58- PHILL LAUGHS - I'm sorry.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02This is the only show where I hear sentences like that.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06"That's the miracle of kangaroo suckling. Next."
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Which mammal has the most nipples?
0:24:08 > 0:24:12- Well...- If I said it came from an M-country, this being an M-series?
0:24:12 > 0:24:16- Someone from Madagascar.- Is the right answer.- One of their monkeys?
0:24:16 > 0:24:18- A lemur?- They don't have monkeys in Madagascar.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20They do have lemurs, but it's not a lemur.
0:24:20 > 0:24:24- It is another kind of very small mammal...- The great-titted earthworm.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27- No...- A shrew of some sort?
0:24:27 > 0:24:28No, well, it's like a shrew
0:24:28 > 0:24:31because they don't have shrews or anything or hedgehogs,
0:24:31 > 0:24:34but they have a class of mammal that looks exactly like hedgehogs,
0:24:34 > 0:24:35- exactly...- An echidna?
0:24:35 > 0:24:38..that have evolved separately and distinctly
0:24:38 > 0:24:40and they're called tenrecs.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42T-E-N-R-E-C. Amazing animals.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44And this is obviously not the hedgehog tenrec,
0:24:44 > 0:24:48this is the one that boasts a really bizarre number of nipples.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50It's 29.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52A prime number. Maybe it's a mathematical...
0:24:52 > 0:24:56Does it have large litters? Do they have lots of babies?
0:24:56 > 0:24:57They do have a lot of babies, yeah.
0:24:57 > 0:25:02I don't think they have enough to justify a whopping 29 nipples.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04I'm going to give you another little teaser.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08When human mothers give suck to their infants,
0:25:08 > 0:25:10they are feeding two species.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Right?
0:25:17 > 0:25:20- So the baby is one of them.- Yes. One is a human child.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23- Bacteria?- Very specifically, it is the bacteria,
0:25:23 > 0:25:26you may say it's feeding the baby and then of course the bacteria,
0:25:26 > 0:25:29but this is not feeding the baby, it is only feeding the bacteria.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33In human breast milk, there are oligosaccharides
0:25:33 > 0:25:36and these are indigestible to human babies,
0:25:36 > 0:25:40but they are adored by the bacteria in the baby's tummy,
0:25:40 > 0:25:42so they bypass the baby's system
0:25:42 > 0:25:45to go to the stomach to feed the healthy bacteria.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47- That's great.- Isn't that pleasing?
0:25:47 > 0:25:51- It's rather nice. - See? Mothers, always giving.
0:25:51 > 0:25:52Always. Always.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56"Who else needs feeding? The bacteria, fine! I'll do it!"
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Perfect parasite.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02"Well, why didn't you tell me he was coming for dinner?
0:26:02 > 0:26:04"I've only made enough..."
0:26:05 > 0:26:08Who would like to see some milky magic because I want to show you...
0:26:08 > 0:26:10LAUGHTER AND GROANS
0:26:12 > 0:26:14- Stranger danger! - APPLAUSE
0:26:18 > 0:26:20I wish I hadn't put it like that.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23If a man says this to you in a park, say no.
0:26:25 > 0:26:29- RASPING:- "Would you like to see my milky magic?"
0:26:29 > 0:26:30You know what I meant.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33"Would you like to see my milky magic?"
0:26:33 > 0:26:35OK, I've got some... Mm!
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Here we are... Lovely milky things.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Stop saying it!
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Well, now, because here we are.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48This is just the thing about milk, there's never enough,
0:26:48 > 0:26:50you always want more.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57This is what happens when you get to the clearing in Northamptonshire.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Bear with me. Here we have...
0:27:00 > 0:27:04Here we have some milk. What I'd like to do
0:27:04 > 0:27:06is just transfer it along the way.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10From smaller to larger glasses, as you can see.
0:27:10 > 0:27:15This will fill it about halfway up, maybe, just checking the size.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19- Well, that fills it up completely. - That's weird.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21That's all right, that's good,
0:27:21 > 0:27:23- because we've got more than we started out with....- No!
0:27:23 > 0:27:27- Fast forward, fast forward. - With milk...
0:27:27 > 0:27:30- No!- Got to have that, haven't you?
0:27:30 > 0:27:32- No!- That makes sense.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34And then see if we can get even more, because what we're doing
0:27:34 > 0:27:37is earning ourselves lots and lots of milk.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Which has got to be good, surely. There we are.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Can you do this with wine?
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Oh, no! You're Jesus!
0:27:50 > 0:27:51APPLAUSE
0:27:51 > 0:27:53There. You like that?
0:27:58 > 0:27:59It's quite pleasing, isn't it?
0:27:59 > 0:28:03"And that's how we get the European milk mountain."
0:28:03 > 0:28:06Somehow you can find much out of little
0:28:06 > 0:28:08and that's maybe a lesson in life.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11- Redefines the second coming anyway. - Exactly.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14- Oh, what?- Oh, no.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17"And then Stephen took a can of tuna,
0:28:17 > 0:28:21"and lo, he did share it out amongst the audience."
0:28:21 > 0:28:24And that's how much we've now got, out of nowhere.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Which is very pleasing.
0:28:26 > 0:28:27APPLAUSE
0:28:33 > 0:28:35There we are.
0:28:35 > 0:28:39- Well, from milk to meat... - Whoa, whoa, whoa,
0:28:39 > 0:28:41aren't you going to tell us how you did it?
0:28:43 > 0:28:45APPLAUSE
0:28:45 > 0:28:49Oh, Alan, you know well enough, the milky magician never tells.
0:28:52 > 0:28:55- Disappointing.- Oh, dear!
0:28:55 > 0:28:58From milk to meat, so for a meaty question now,
0:28:58 > 0:29:03why did five Royalist men from Milton fail to eat their own buttocks?
0:29:07 > 0:29:10- They were trying to? - Yes. That's the weird thing.
0:29:10 > 0:29:12That's what that man has just suggested in the corner.
0:29:12 > 0:29:15"Guys, look. I think we should eat our own buttocks."
0:29:15 > 0:29:18And everyone's, "No."
0:29:18 > 0:29:20That's what happened in a pub in Milton.
0:29:20 > 0:29:24- Too painful for them? - Was it a dare, like a bet?
0:29:24 > 0:29:27It wasn't a bet. How did I describe...?
0:29:27 > 0:29:29See how much they love the king?
0:29:29 > 0:29:30Yes, I described them as Royalists
0:29:30 > 0:29:34so that must mean they came from the 17th century, Civil War time.
0:29:34 > 0:29:38- Just to stick it to Cromwell. "Up yours, Cromwell."- Cava-lee-ais?
0:29:38 > 0:29:43They were Cavaliers, yes. They wanted to toast the king's health.
0:29:43 > 0:29:46And they wanted to show that they were more loyal than
0:29:46 > 0:29:49just about anyone else, so to hell with beer, to hell with wine,
0:29:49 > 0:29:52we're going to toast him in our own blood,
0:29:52 > 0:29:55and the best way to get a bit of blood, you'd think,
0:29:55 > 0:29:57is just to prick your thumb, but no.
0:29:57 > 0:29:58Slice off their buttocks.
0:29:58 > 0:30:01But why the bum? How does the bum show you're loyal?
0:30:01 > 0:30:05The biggest muscle, they thought they'd have some to spare.
0:30:05 > 0:30:08The Royal Fat-Arse Regiment, I don't know.
0:30:08 > 0:30:11They probably thought that it wouldn't hurt too much,
0:30:11 > 0:30:14but in fact what happens is they sliced off a bit of butt cheek
0:30:14 > 0:30:18and it bled profusely. So profusely. It was shocking.
0:30:18 > 0:30:21"Men, to the delicatessen. Onto the slicer with you!"
0:30:22 > 0:30:24Argh!
0:30:24 > 0:30:26"To the king! Wow!"
0:30:27 > 0:30:30As long as they didn't have any salami, they'll be fine.
0:30:31 > 0:30:35- I think the idea was they sat on a gridiron...- Ooh!
0:30:35 > 0:30:38..and a bit of buttock poked out and they sliced off...
0:30:38 > 0:30:40SHOCKED GASPS
0:30:40 > 0:30:43They must have been so pissed when they came up with it.
0:30:46 > 0:30:50You'd only even come up with it if you were pissed.
0:30:50 > 0:30:54They did that, the blood poured out, and everyone got in a panic.
0:30:54 > 0:30:57Their wives heard about it and were furious.
0:30:57 > 0:30:59"What's he done?"
0:30:59 > 0:31:04"I'm feeding two species, I haven't got time to pick him up!"
0:31:04 > 0:31:07There was so much loss of blood, the whole thing was a disaster.
0:31:07 > 0:31:10- We know about this...- You think they still talk about it,
0:31:10 > 0:31:14like, "Oh, that day. It was such a bad idea.
0:31:14 > 0:31:17- "From start to finish." - Cut to the pub the next day,
0:31:17 > 0:31:19"The special today, pork medallions."
0:31:21 > 0:31:25Well, the village of Milton was in Berkshire. It's now in Oxfordshire.
0:31:25 > 0:31:28And we think the pub is the one that now calls itself
0:31:28 > 0:31:32the Plum Pudding, which is rather appropriate somehow.
0:31:32 > 0:31:35It was called The Dog at the time of the event.
0:31:35 > 0:31:38It's since been called the Red Lion and the Admiral Benbow.
0:31:38 > 0:31:40Yeah, during the Civil War,
0:31:40 > 0:31:43five men from Milton got rather cavalier with their own buttocks.
0:31:43 > 0:31:46What's the most expensive lump of meat in the world?
0:31:48 > 0:31:49Royalist buttock.
0:31:51 > 0:31:53- Very rare. Very rare.- Very rare!
0:31:53 > 0:31:55Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.
0:31:57 > 0:31:59- Good answer.- He's pricey.
0:31:59 > 0:32:02- And meaty!- Well pricey, well meaty.
0:32:02 > 0:32:05- Is it the Japan...?- Ooh, you're in the right part of the world.
0:32:05 > 0:32:07- Wagu beef?- Type of...
0:32:07 > 0:32:10It's not Kobe or Wagu beef, although those are very expensive.
0:32:10 > 0:32:13Supposedly massaged and fed on beer and all that sort of thing.
0:32:13 > 0:32:15- No, this is a piece of art.- Oh!
0:32:15 > 0:32:17An ancient piece of art.
0:32:17 > 0:32:21- Qing Dynasty piece of art.- Really?! - Yeah. A piece of meat
0:32:21 > 0:32:25- rendered in jasper.- Wow.- And there it is. A piece of pork belly.
0:32:25 > 0:32:28- You can see the pork...- Still looks great, doesn't it?- Yeah, it does.
0:32:28 > 0:32:29I would eat that.
0:32:29 > 0:32:31I really like pork belly and that... That looks good.
0:32:31 > 0:32:34It's nearly six centimetres tall,
0:32:34 > 0:32:37and people come from all over the place to see it.
0:32:37 > 0:32:41It was recently shown in Japan, where thousands a day came to see it.
0:32:41 > 0:32:43When you go to the Far East, they've always got models
0:32:43 > 0:32:46- of what you can order in the window, haven't they?- Yes.
0:32:46 > 0:32:50- Was this done for a restaurant? Something like that?- Maybe it was!
0:32:50 > 0:32:53- Maybe it was.- "Yeah, we got the pork in jasper this week.
0:32:53 > 0:32:55"Would you like one of them?"
0:32:55 > 0:32:58This one drew 84,000 people for its reasonably short exhibition
0:32:58 > 0:33:05in Japan, whereas the Qing Dynasty jadeite cabbage drew even more.
0:33:05 > 0:33:08- And there it is.- Wow. - People were fascinated by it.
0:33:08 > 0:33:12That jacket at the back there. What was she thinking?
0:33:12 > 0:33:14"I like EGGS!"
0:33:16 > 0:33:20It's in the National Palace Museum in Taipei.
0:33:20 > 0:33:23And there's the meat stone and the jadeite cabbage both there,
0:33:23 > 0:33:27and you can buy souvenirs for your mobile phone.
0:33:27 > 0:33:30Just in 2012, they sold over a quarter of a million of them,
0:33:30 > 0:33:31the museum.
0:33:31 > 0:33:35Right, well, there you have it. Jasper meat and jadeite cabbage.
0:33:35 > 0:33:38I can't help wondering whether it's supposed to be funny,
0:33:38 > 0:33:41as an item - jadeite cabbage.
0:33:41 > 0:33:44And so I got on the phone to my friend, Jiang Kun,
0:33:44 > 0:33:47who is China's most famous comedian,
0:33:47 > 0:33:51and he flew over just to be here to answer that question
0:33:51 > 0:33:52with his daughter, Charlotte.
0:33:52 > 0:33:57- So, JK, where are you? Hello! How are you? Nice to see you.- Hi.
0:33:57 > 0:33:59I really need to know,
0:33:59 > 0:34:02and thank you for coming all the way from China to answer this -
0:34:02 > 0:34:06is jadeite cabbage funny in Chinese?
0:34:06 > 0:34:10- No. - LAUGHTER
0:34:13 > 0:34:14That's answered that.
0:34:16 > 0:34:18Well, there you have it.
0:34:18 > 0:34:19I like difference in the world.
0:34:21 > 0:34:25Now, onto the smorgasbord of smugness that we call General Ignorance.
0:34:25 > 0:34:27Fingers on buzzers, if you please.
0:34:27 > 0:34:30I'm going to say this quite fast so listen carefully.
0:34:30 > 0:34:33How much sugar in a sugar-free Tic Tac?
0:34:33 > 0:34:35# Custard. #
0:34:35 > 0:34:38There's no sugar in a sugar-free Tic Tac.
0:34:38 > 0:34:40KLAXON
0:34:40 > 0:34:42You'd done so well up to this point.
0:34:42 > 0:34:46Is it sugar-free doesn't mean there's no sugar, does it?
0:34:46 > 0:34:48It does, but within certain limits
0:34:48 > 0:34:51according to the Food and Drug Administration.
0:34:51 > 0:34:53One calorie.
0:34:53 > 0:34:54A little bit.
0:34:54 > 0:34:58It's pretty much all sugar, but they're so small,
0:34:58 > 0:35:01the law says that if it's only half a gram of sugar it doesn't count
0:35:01 > 0:35:03as sugar, it doesn't count as anything.
0:35:03 > 0:35:07According to their own website, Tic Tac "registered trademark" mints
0:35:07 > 0:35:10do contain sugar as listed in the ingredients statement.
0:35:10 > 0:35:12However, since the amount of sugar per serving -
0:35:12 > 0:35:14one mint is a serving...
0:35:17 > 0:35:21Since the amount of sugar per serving is less than half a gram,
0:35:21 > 0:35:26FDA labelling requirements permit the nutrition facts to state
0:35:26 > 0:35:28that there are zero grams of sugar per serving.
0:35:28 > 0:35:32- Unbelievable!- And they wonder why people get killed with hammers.
0:35:35 > 0:35:36You're weird.
0:35:38 > 0:35:42In America, sugar-free Tic Tacs are pretty much all sugar.
0:35:42 > 0:35:45When you lose weight, where does most of the fat go?
0:35:45 > 0:35:47# Mustard. #
0:35:47 > 0:35:48You exhale it.
0:35:48 > 0:35:50Is exactly the right answer.
0:35:50 > 0:35:51Far and away, most of it.
0:35:55 > 0:35:58- Very impressed indeed. - I'm on the balloon diet.
0:36:01 > 0:36:04I spend my time quite light-headed most of the day.
0:36:05 > 0:36:08We were going to forfeit you had you said sweat, urine, faeces,
0:36:08 > 0:36:11turns into muscle or energy, or any of those things.
0:36:11 > 0:36:15No, when you lose weight, your body breaks down the fat cells
0:36:15 > 0:36:17and metabolises the compounds into triglycerides
0:36:17 > 0:36:22which are made of carbon, hydrogen and oxygen.
0:36:22 > 0:36:29For every 10kg of fat lost by your body, 8.4kg are breathed out.
0:36:29 > 0:36:34The rest, about 1.6, is fatty water, what they call fatty water,
0:36:34 > 0:36:37- which is excreted...- Oh, dear. - ..in urine and sweat.
0:36:37 > 0:36:39- Fatty water?- Fatty water, yes.
0:36:39 > 0:36:42He's a really good blues player, isn't he?
0:36:44 > 0:36:46Fatty Water, over here.
0:36:50 > 0:36:51Yeah, when you lose weight,
0:36:51 > 0:36:54most fat you lose comes out of your mouth and nose.
0:36:54 > 0:36:58What kind of bird does the Goliath bird-eating spider consume?
0:36:58 > 0:37:01Oh, God! Whoa! That should have had a warning.
0:37:01 > 0:37:05Whoa! That is fucking horrible.
0:37:07 > 0:37:11- The little furry animal!- It's still there. Still there. Still there.
0:37:11 > 0:37:13SHE SCREAMS
0:37:13 > 0:37:17- Oh, my God! - There's a still image of one.
0:37:17 > 0:37:20- It's not moving any more. - Eyes on me.
0:37:20 > 0:37:22- Eyes on me, eyes on me. - It's all right, Phill.
0:37:22 > 0:37:24It's OK. I'm all right.
0:37:24 > 0:37:26SHE SCREAMS
0:37:28 > 0:37:30- That was naughty.- What?!
0:37:33 > 0:37:34Sorry.
0:37:34 > 0:37:39- What a pathetic reaction.- I'd be the same if not for all the therapy.
0:37:40 > 0:37:43- We should have... - No, it's not moving, so that's OK.
0:37:43 > 0:37:46They're big - it must be said, they are very big -
0:37:46 > 0:37:49and they are called Goliath bird-eating spiders.
0:37:49 > 0:37:51But it's never eaten a bird in its life?
0:37:51 > 0:37:53Well, that one may not have done
0:37:53 > 0:37:55because it's very, very rare for them to eat birds.
0:37:55 > 0:37:58It just so happens the person who discovered it happened upon one
0:37:58 > 0:38:00eating a hummingbird. And so called it the bird-eating spider.
0:38:00 > 0:38:03That's like in your family when you do something once.
0:38:05 > 0:38:08"Cariad always gets sick on holiday."
0:38:08 > 0:38:10You're like, "It was one time!"
0:38:10 > 0:38:13Oh, Poland-invading Adolf!
0:38:13 > 0:38:16"Once, I invade Poland!"
0:38:19 > 0:38:21He was just eating the hummingbird, just eating it,
0:38:21 > 0:38:24and he was like, "Oh, no! This is not what I normally do.
0:38:24 > 0:38:27"What? No, stop writing that name down! Stop it!
0:38:27 > 0:38:28"I was just really hungry."
0:38:28 > 0:38:32That's more or less the story of the Goliath bird-eating hummingbird...
0:38:32 > 0:38:34Er, hummingbird eating spider.
0:38:34 > 0:38:37They live in South America and they are a form of tarantula.
0:38:37 > 0:38:39They will eat insects
0:38:39 > 0:38:41and very small...
0:38:41 > 0:38:43Oh, God!
0:38:43 > 0:38:45Somebody help her!
0:38:45 > 0:38:48Somebody help her, it's on her face and she doesn't know!
0:38:51 > 0:38:52Despite its name,
0:38:52 > 0:38:56the Goliath bird-eating spider usually just eats worms.
0:38:56 > 0:38:59- Alan.- Hello.- Let's bring this to a beautiful conclusion.
0:38:59 > 0:39:01Cariad has been bitten by a snake.
0:39:02 > 0:39:04What's happening to me?!
0:39:04 > 0:39:07This is not I'm A Celebrity!
0:39:07 > 0:39:09What should you do?
0:39:09 > 0:39:10Suck her.
0:39:10 > 0:39:13KLAXON
0:39:13 > 0:39:15In every sense, no.
0:39:15 > 0:39:17You can't afford it, love!
0:39:18 > 0:39:22APPLAUSE
0:39:22 > 0:39:25Even when you've been bitten by a cobra...
0:39:25 > 0:39:28- You're going to haggle prices. - Oh, yeah.
0:39:28 > 0:39:31You'd soon drop your prices once you've tried it.
0:39:36 > 0:39:38Do you tourniquet it?
0:39:38 > 0:39:40KLAXON
0:39:40 > 0:39:42Not even a tourniquet.
0:39:42 > 0:39:46Guys, I'm dying! I've been bitten by a snake!
0:39:46 > 0:39:48- The spider's coming! - SHE SQUEALS
0:39:50 > 0:39:53Stay still so it doesn't go round your blood. Is that in there?
0:39:53 > 0:39:57Well, if you're not near a car, but drive her to a hospital.
0:39:58 > 0:40:02- Take the snake if you can. - Exactly, or a photograph of it.
0:40:07 > 0:40:09I didn't say selfie!
0:40:09 > 0:40:11It was sort of implicit in the question
0:40:11 > 0:40:15that Cariad and I were alone somewhere.
0:40:15 > 0:40:17Not on the M4 or something.
0:40:17 > 0:40:19I had to take drastic actions,
0:40:19 > 0:40:23despite her constant demands for money.
0:40:23 > 0:40:26Why am I on the M4 with you? What happened to me beforehand?
0:40:26 > 0:40:28You're going to Reading! Come on!
0:40:28 > 0:40:31Where did we find a venomous snake on the M4?
0:40:31 > 0:40:33- I suppose...- Adder...- An adder.
0:40:33 > 0:40:36- Very unlikely. - My dad got bitten by an adder
0:40:36 > 0:40:38on the golf course.
0:40:38 > 0:40:40- How old is he? - My step-sister, who's a GP, said,
0:40:40 > 0:40:43"No, that's just a scratch from a bramble. It's not a snake bite."
0:40:43 > 0:40:46And then his leg nearly came off. It went black.
0:40:46 > 0:40:48So, yeah, my aunt went down to the golf club
0:40:48 > 0:40:50and said "Are there adders in the golf club?"
0:40:50 > 0:40:53to the groundsman. And he said, "Oh, yes.
0:40:53 > 0:40:55"They've been reintroduced."
0:40:57 > 0:41:00What sort of backward thinking is that?!
0:41:00 > 0:41:02"This is what we haven't got enough of,
0:41:02 > 0:41:04"venomous snakes in the long rough."
0:41:07 > 0:41:11Well, it adds a little, because it was getting too easy, that par-4.
0:41:11 > 0:41:15The answer is if you do go somewhere where you think there may be
0:41:15 > 0:41:18venomous snakes, find out where the nearest hospital is
0:41:18 > 0:41:21that has antivenom, because that's really the best thing you can have.
0:41:21 > 0:41:25But in Britain it's going to be fine. An adder is not going to kill.
0:41:25 > 0:41:28I would still offer to suck you, Cariad.
0:41:28 > 0:41:31It's the right thing to do.
0:41:31 > 0:41:35If your friend has been bitten by a snake, all you need is car keys.
0:41:35 > 0:41:37Any other course of action sucks.
0:41:37 > 0:41:40Which brings us to the end of our feast of questions,
0:41:40 > 0:41:44and so all that's left for me to do is to let you know... Ooh!
0:41:44 > 0:41:45How the scores are doing.
0:41:45 > 0:41:47They're doing rather wonderfully.
0:41:47 > 0:41:50In first place with a magnificent plus four,
0:41:50 > 0:41:52wearing plus-fours,
0:41:52 > 0:41:54is Phill Jupitus!
0:41:54 > 0:41:57APPLAUSE
0:41:58 > 0:42:02And with a very stunning score of nothing,
0:42:02 > 0:42:05wearing nothing - oh, that doesn't work -
0:42:05 > 0:42:08zero, Cariad!
0:42:08 > 0:42:11APPLAUSE
0:42:14 > 0:42:18It seems so unfair, because he had the most information,
0:42:18 > 0:42:21but third-place for Dermot O'Leary with minus ten!
0:42:21 > 0:42:24APPLAUSE
0:42:29 > 0:42:32And a very respectable - for Alan - minus 16!
0:42:32 > 0:42:34APPLAUSE
0:42:40 > 0:42:44So it's thank you from Cariad, Phill, Dermot, Alan and me,
0:42:44 > 0:42:47and I leave you with this mealtime story
0:42:47 > 0:42:48about rissoles.
0:42:48 > 0:42:51Man goes into a restaurant and looks at the menu
0:42:51 > 0:42:54and says to the waiter, "I'll have some pissoles, please."
0:42:54 > 0:42:57And the waiter says, "No, sir, that's an R."
0:42:57 > 0:43:00He says, "Oh, I'll have some R-soles then." Thank you.
0:43:00 > 0:43:03APPLAUSE