0:00:22 > 0:00:24APPLAUSE
0:00:29 > 0:00:32STEPHEN WAILS
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Welcome to QI, which, tonight,
0:00:37 > 0:00:40is a menagerie of animals beginning with M.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Let's meet our man children.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46The mammalian Romesh Ranganathan...
0:00:46 > 0:00:47APPLAUSE
0:00:51 > 0:00:54..the marsupial Bill Bailey...
0:00:54 > 0:00:55APPLAUSE
0:00:57 > 0:00:59..the microscopic Sue Perkins...
0:00:59 > 0:01:01APPLAUSE
0:01:02 > 0:01:05..and the missing mink Alan Davies.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07APPLAUSE
0:01:10 > 0:01:14So, let's hear it for the monkeys, please. Sue goes...
0:01:14 > 0:01:16MONKEY SCREECHES
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Stop, stop.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21..Romesh goes... MONKEY GIBBERS
0:01:21 > 0:01:22LAUGHTER
0:01:22 > 0:01:23..Bill goes...
0:01:23 > 0:01:26MONKEY SHRIEKS
0:01:26 > 0:01:29- Which, you do, actually, don't you? - I do, yeah.
0:01:29 > 0:01:30..and Alan goes...
0:01:30 > 0:01:33# Hey hey, we're the Monkees
0:01:33 > 0:01:36# People say we monkey around... #
0:01:36 > 0:01:37So, it's a menagerie.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager
0:01:39 > 0:01:40managing an imaginary menagerie.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43- Very good, well done. - Thank you very much.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45What's...? What...? What just happened?
0:01:45 > 0:01:46LAUGHTER
0:01:46 > 0:01:48We're imagining an imaginary menagerie manager
0:01:48 > 0:01:51- managing an imaginary menagerie.- Boom!- Wow.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55- APPLAUSE - That certainly is impressive.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00It's a menagerie. Animal collections.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02That monkey's really staring you out, Stephen.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04LAUGHTER
0:02:04 > 0:02:05All right. Now, do an impression,
0:02:05 > 0:02:08if you can, of a moose on the pull.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10LAUGHTER
0:02:10 > 0:02:12A moose on the pull? OK.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14ROMESH ROARS
0:02:14 > 0:02:17- Very good.- Probably. That will enter into it.- When it goes...
0:02:17 > 0:02:19"Are you a parking ticket
0:02:19 > 0:02:21"cos you got fine written all over you-ooh?"
0:02:21 > 0:02:23LAUGHTER
0:02:25 > 0:02:28- Is that a genuine pick-up line? I love it.- I think it might be.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31- "Fine" written all over you. - I'm not actually sure what...
0:02:31 > 0:02:34It's not really the sound. It's actually a physical...maybe.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36- It's a physical impression. - Did you do that?
0:02:36 > 0:02:38A male moose would do that...?
0:02:38 > 0:02:39Does it go up...?
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Does it go up on its rear legs and... Eh?
0:02:42 > 0:02:43LAUGHTER
0:02:43 > 0:02:48Eh? See anything you like, moose lady?
0:02:48 > 0:02:50LAUGHTER
0:02:50 > 0:02:53- Or moose gentleman. - LAUGHTER
0:02:53 > 0:02:56So, what order of mammals is a moose?
0:02:56 > 0:02:57It's an elk, isn't it? Or a deer?
0:02:57 > 0:03:01Well, an elk is simply the European name for what Americans call a moose.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03- I've seen one.- I've seen one.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05LAUGHTER
0:03:05 > 0:03:07- I went to Canada and I was staying in a cabin...- Yeah?
0:03:07 > 0:03:10..and I woke up in the morning, and I looked out the window,
0:03:10 > 0:03:13and it was right outside the window. They're almost entirely silent.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15- Yes.- They're so stealthy, you wouldn't think...
0:03:15 > 0:03:18- I mean, they're huge - they're like a horse...- Oh, right.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20..but they hardly make any sound at all, and they creep about.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Frankly, they're unnerving. They're surreptitious.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25- Surreptitious. - I'm amazed it makes any noise...
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Would be more like this, then? Would be more like sort of...?
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Don't look. Look away. Pretend you're a moose
0:03:30 > 0:03:33- at a disco or something. - LAUGHTER
0:03:33 > 0:03:38- Fancy a bunk-up? - LAUGHTER
0:03:38 > 0:03:41Is it something like that?
0:03:41 > 0:03:44APPLAUSE
0:03:44 > 0:03:46"Fancy a bunk-up?"
0:03:46 > 0:03:48- It's a moose.- He said, "Fancy a bunk-up?"
0:03:48 > 0:03:51You haven't chatted anyone up since the '70s, have you?
0:03:51 > 0:03:52LAUGHTER
0:03:52 > 0:03:54I sort of feel sorry for animals...
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Like, well, moose. ..because they haven't got... How do you...?
0:03:57 > 0:04:00If you're going on the pull, as a moose,
0:04:00 > 0:04:02how do you stick out from the herd?
0:04:02 > 0:04:04If you're a human and you're struggling on the pull,
0:04:04 > 0:04:07you can get, like, a snazzy haircut or, like, a cool jacket.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09- Do you know what I mean? - LAUGHTER
0:04:09 > 0:04:11So, the moose does something else.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14- BILL:- Ah! It goes on Tinder, is that right?
0:04:14 > 0:04:16LAUGHTER
0:04:18 > 0:04:21There's an equivalent of tundra... Tinder.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Is there? Tundra Tinder, I like it. Tindra.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26What are they, as an order of mammal?
0:04:26 > 0:04:28- They are...- Deer. - Deer, they are deer.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30What the deer's mating season?
0:04:30 > 0:04:33- The males called it... - Rut.- They rut.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36One of the things they do in their rut, the males,
0:04:36 > 0:04:38is they dig a hole...
0:04:38 > 0:04:42- It's the equivalent of wearing a smart jacket.- OK.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45..and they urinate into the hole,
0:04:45 > 0:04:48and then they pull all the...
0:04:48 > 0:04:50- pissy mud, let's call it... - Sexy times.- Yup.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53..all around their legs and all around their bodies.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56- They cover themselves in urine-soaked mud.- Dirty.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59And they go a little distance from the hole and they sit down.
0:04:59 > 0:05:00They wait for the female to come -
0:05:00 > 0:05:02who, as a female would, would go,
0:05:02 > 0:05:04"I like the smell of this."
0:05:04 > 0:05:05LAUGHTER
0:05:05 > 0:05:07- It's muddy and it's... - Pissy!- ..slightly pissy.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Just a little touch of piss.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12And they get in there and cover themselves in that mixture
0:05:12 > 0:05:15- and then mating happens.- And then he says, "Fancy a bunk up?"
0:05:15 > 0:05:18LAUGHTER Yeah.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21But before that, they've got to go through the other rutting procedure,
0:05:21 > 0:05:24which is why they've got antlers, and that's fighting with other males.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27So, after they've fought with the males and won,
0:05:27 > 0:05:30then they have the honour of pissing in the mud.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34- Is that their prize?- It's nature's way of telling them...
0:05:34 > 0:05:36I would just take a dive if I was in that situation.
0:05:36 > 0:05:40If that's the reward, you know, mate, I don't fancy pissy mud today.
0:05:40 > 0:05:41I'm just going to go down.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45Are there any female moose that aren't necessarily drawn in
0:05:45 > 0:05:47by the toxic, heady brew of urine,
0:05:47 > 0:05:50mud and some slightly wonky antlers?
0:05:50 > 0:05:52If there are, unfortunately they'll probably die out
0:05:52 > 0:05:56because the only ones that mate are the ones that go in for this,
0:05:56 > 0:05:59- and they pass on their genes. - What does it smell like?
0:05:59 > 0:06:02As bad as it sounds, I fear.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Are you moose-curious now?
0:06:04 > 0:06:07LAUGHTER
0:06:07 > 0:06:08I am moose-curious.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12I want to smell your mud...moosey boy.
0:06:12 > 0:06:18Then you can get extra points if you can do what a moose can do,
0:06:18 > 0:06:22and that's have each eye moving independently of the other.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24- No, I can't do that. - I actually thought
0:06:24 > 0:06:26you were going to say, "Urinate in a muddy hole."
0:06:26 > 0:06:30I can do that. I don't know if you can see, but...
0:06:30 > 0:06:31like that, you go...
0:06:35 > 0:06:38What's your mud pissing like?
0:06:39 > 0:06:40Am I doing it?
0:06:40 > 0:06:44You don't want to do it. What's the plural of moose?
0:06:44 > 0:06:47- Moose.- Mooses.- Moose, yeah, although it's actually a Cree word,
0:06:47 > 0:06:49a Cree Indian word,
0:06:49 > 0:06:53and the real plural should be "moosuch", which is rather good.
0:06:53 > 0:06:54One moose, two "moosuch".
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Sounds quite Yiddish.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59- Moosuch!- Moosuch! - I like it, good word.
0:06:59 > 0:07:03Anyway, to impress the females, a moose on the pull
0:07:03 > 0:07:05really has to splash out a bit.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08The moose is the world's largest deer,
0:07:08 > 0:07:12but how might a tiger help an old deer get home?
0:07:12 > 0:07:17Do they organise licensed minicabs for free after midnight?
0:07:17 > 0:07:21- This is a set-up, isn't it?- It is, we don't mean an old dear like that.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23It's not actually an old lady.
0:07:23 > 0:07:27And we can't mention... If we say zebra crossing, then there's
0:07:27 > 0:07:32- going to be attraction going off... - You are far smarter than we are.
0:07:32 > 0:07:33LAUGHTER
0:07:33 > 0:07:36I fooled the klaxon, finally!
0:07:38 > 0:07:39Yes!
0:07:43 > 0:07:45- It's a dream, isn't it? - It is a dream.
0:07:45 > 0:07:50- So, it's the word "deer" and the letter M. We've had moose.- A musk.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52It may not... Even you...
0:07:52 > 0:07:56- Muntjac.- ..a fine zoologist, you may not have heard of this.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58No, muntjac is not it.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02- It's Chinese deer that for 1,200 years...- It's Chinese, dear.
0:08:04 > 0:08:05Chinese.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09- Eh?- He said it's Chinese, dear. - Chinese, OK.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14- Is it Wednesday?- No, Chinese.
0:08:14 > 0:08:15Oh, I like lager.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20He'll have chow mein, he likes it.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23INDISTINCT
0:08:23 > 0:08:25I like lager. Do I like lager?
0:08:25 > 0:08:28- Yes, dear.- Thank you.
0:08:29 > 0:08:34It's been extinct for 1,200 years. In the wild it's been extinct.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37- Oh, right.- But it was saved actually by the Europeans,
0:08:37 > 0:08:39- particularly the British.- Mink.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42I was saying things that begin with M.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Is it a Chinese word?
0:08:45 > 0:08:48- Well, it probably originally was. - Mao Zedong deer.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53A good try. A bloody good effort.
0:08:53 > 0:08:58- Do you know...?- It tells the other deer to really think about their failings.
0:08:58 > 0:08:59LAUGHTER
0:08:59 > 0:09:03It's milu. Milu is a type of deer.
0:09:03 > 0:09:071,200 years ago, it was made extinct in the wild.
0:09:07 > 0:09:12Because the Chinese the antlers were an aphrodisiac.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14- Oh, course they did!- Here we go.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17This poor deer was indeed rendered virtually extinct.
0:09:17 > 0:09:21A few European travellers smuggled some out of China,
0:09:21 > 0:09:23including the 11th Duke of Bedford,
0:09:23 > 0:09:25who put them in a park in Woburn Abbey,
0:09:25 > 0:09:28- and they've more or less thrived. - Or is it throve?
0:09:28 > 0:09:32And...by the time you got to 1985,
0:09:32 > 0:09:35it was decided that maybe they should be reintroduced to China.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Oh, dear!
0:09:38 > 0:09:41The primary problem was they didn't know which part of China
0:09:41 > 0:09:43- they came from, there was no record. - No, of course not.
0:09:43 > 0:09:48- Well, it's very diverse as well, Chinese habitat.- Hugely diverse.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51So you've got to get it right. And they knew that the milu
0:09:51 > 0:09:55liked squashy, marshy places, they swam very well.
0:09:55 > 0:09:59And they had wide feet. And it suggested a marshy environment.
0:09:59 > 0:10:03And then they thought, well, maybe we should see which animals
0:10:03 > 0:10:05they have a little atavistic memory of.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08And they played sound tapes to them,
0:10:08 > 0:10:11of different animals, a whole list of them -
0:10:11 > 0:10:15crows, dogs, tigers, leopards, wolves, bears and lions.
0:10:15 > 0:10:20And the one they responded to the strongest was the sound of the tiger.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23So, they found an area of China where there were tiger fossils,
0:10:23 > 0:10:27because amazingly there are virtually no tigers left alive in China
0:10:27 > 0:10:29because their penises are aphrodisiac.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33- Yes.- That's right, but you have to kill them first.
0:10:33 > 0:10:38And they found the fossils and a marshy place and they put them there.
0:10:38 > 0:10:39Who was responsible?
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Is this the Chinese government responsible for this?
0:10:42 > 0:10:44I think it was a cooperative thing between Woburn Abbey and China
0:10:44 > 0:10:46to bring them back.
0:10:46 > 0:10:51Because their record on animal welfare is a little bit shaky.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54So I'm amazed that it's going through.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58- Now, you were a maths teacher, weren't you?- I was, yeah.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00You'll love this.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03OK, could you divide 355 by 113?
0:11:03 > 0:11:05I can't.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09- Is that the question you're asking? - We relied on you.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11No, it's actually a Chinese number called milu, same word.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Probably pitched utterly differently.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16And it's the Chinese version of pi. What we call pi.
0:11:16 > 0:11:20It's not quite as accurate to as many places.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22It's easily remembered, actually.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24You say how would you remember 355 divided by 113.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26If you take the 113 and put it in front,
0:11:26 > 0:11:31you've got the first three odd numbers in pairs - 113355.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34And the answer, as you see, is pi.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37- It proves it because it's in chalk. - It does, doesn't it?
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Did you use chalk as a teacher?
0:11:39 > 0:11:42No, actually. We had these interactive whiteboards.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44You're so young!
0:11:44 > 0:11:46It's so exciting, kids can come up
0:11:46 > 0:11:50and press the buttons on the screen, but it takes so long to plan that.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52So I switched off all the functionality
0:11:52 > 0:11:54and just use it as a regular whiteboard.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57I remember when I was at school, you'd get the whiteboard rubber
0:11:57 > 0:11:59thrown at you, like a discipline tool.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02My teachers liked the blackboard rubber
0:12:02 > 0:12:05because they could throw it at you and draw blood.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Land it on the desk in front of you so you get covered in chalk dust.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10It's rather unfashionable now, apparently,
0:12:10 > 0:12:12violence towards children.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15You say it's unfashionable - it's illegal.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Health and safety gone mad.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21You say that, we had a situation where there was
0:12:21 > 0:12:24a kid in one of my classes being very difficult, so we called
0:12:24 > 0:12:27their parents in and said, "Listen, your kid's out of line.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29"I think you've done a bad job of bringing him up."
0:12:29 > 0:12:31No, we didn't say that...
0:12:31 > 0:12:33You internalise that.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37And then he said, "Can't you just hit him?"
0:12:37 > 0:12:40And I said, "Well, we're not allowed to do that."
0:12:40 > 0:12:43And then he said, "What if I gave you a letter..."
0:12:43 > 0:12:46LAUGHTER
0:12:46 > 0:12:48"..that said you were allowed to hit him?"
0:12:48 > 0:12:51Would it work with the European Court of Human Rights?
0:12:51 > 0:12:53"I've got this."
0:12:53 > 0:12:54It's in crayon.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57- I've got a free pass. - Well, there you are.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00We don't really know what the milu's milieu was,
0:13:00 > 0:13:02but we think it involved tigers.
0:13:02 > 0:13:06Where would you find the world's most dangerous moustache?
0:13:06 > 0:13:09- LAUGHTER - Oh, look at Selleck there.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13Aren't they all dangerous? The reason I'm saying this is because
0:13:13 > 0:13:18I've been told that beards and moustaches are a haven for...
0:13:18 > 0:13:20- They carry bacteria.- ..disease and bacteria and stuff.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24I've started shampooing mine. I use an elderberry shampoo now.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27- Elderberry?- Yeah, and then I...I...
0:13:27 > 0:13:29LAUGHTER
0:13:29 > 0:13:33- And then I use a mango and vanilla oil.- Oh, lovely.- Post shower.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37Do you get a lot of fruit-eating birds collecting round here?
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Is it a beard or moustache you're saying is dangerous?
0:13:42 > 0:13:43I wasn't saying, it was Romesh.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46But at the start it was - is a moustache dangerous?
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Sorry, that's the question!
0:13:48 > 0:13:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Oh, good lord!
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Is it...is it...?
0:13:57 > 0:14:01Can I just point out that this bit of Hitler's moustache, is that...?
0:14:01 > 0:14:03That's a shadow.
0:14:03 > 0:14:07- Did he cut a bit off there or is that a shadow? - LAUGHTER
0:14:07 > 0:14:09- That's what tipped him over the edge.- It was, yes.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12- He was shaving and...- So, we're criticising Hitler now, are we?
0:14:12 > 0:14:14- Yes. - LAUGHTER
0:14:14 > 0:14:18The more I hear about him, the less I like him.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Of course, we're in a menagerie world here
0:14:20 > 0:14:23so this moustache is not belonging to a human being.
0:14:23 > 0:14:24- A shark.- Is it a horse?
0:14:24 > 0:14:26A moustache on a shark, that's dangerous.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Is it the moustached lizard?
0:14:28 > 0:14:30- LAUGHTER No.- Is it the Terry-Thomas gecko?
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Komodo dragon.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35You could go dragon. It's not a dragon, it's not an iguana.
0:14:35 > 0:14:36- It's actually... - The KOMODO dragon.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Ba-doing, ba-doing!
0:14:38 > 0:14:39A gecko. A leaping lizard.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42- ROMESH:- The Selleck frog.
0:14:42 > 0:14:43Amphibious.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46- The trampolining, amphibious... - Frog!
0:14:46 > 0:14:47- Other one.- Toad!
0:14:47 > 0:14:48- Is the right answer.- It's a toad?!
0:14:48 > 0:14:50It's a toad. It's the moustachioed toad.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52- Moustachioed toad.- The Emei.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55- Wow.- Look at that, that is seriously dangerous.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Look how he's gelled it up.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59LAUGHTER
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Those studs... Again, we're back in the rutting world.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04- Oh, God, look at that. - ..tear into fellow males
0:15:04 > 0:15:06so that you can get the right mate.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09And then give the worst snog of all time.
0:15:09 > 0:15:15- Well, it lives in China. - Of course it does. Not for long.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18And in the mating season...
0:15:18 > 0:15:20The moustache has medicinal properties?
0:15:20 > 0:15:25- And in the mating season, it builds up its forearms...- Oh, yeah?- Right.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27..partly for combat, but also for mating -
0:15:27 > 0:15:29for the grasping the female.
0:15:29 > 0:15:34And then it grows this moustache and then they fight a male rival
0:15:34 > 0:15:37at the bottom of the river stream over a particular female -
0:15:37 > 0:15:41and they aim for each other's stomachs to rip at them.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Really, it's nasty business.
0:15:43 > 0:15:4790% of toads involved in this kind of combat are injured,
0:15:47 > 0:15:48so it's a really pretty...
0:15:48 > 0:15:51God, it make you grateful to be a human, doesn't it, sometimes?
0:15:51 > 0:15:54- Yeah.- Really? That's your life?
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Underwater stomach ripping?
0:15:56 > 0:16:00Being intestinally jarred by someone's weird, pointy moustache.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02- Not for me. - When they then get the female,
0:16:02 > 0:16:04they fertilise the eggs the female has laid,
0:16:04 > 0:16:07they get a little rock and they have to stay on the rock
0:16:07 > 0:16:09or another male might challenge them for the rock
0:16:09 > 0:16:12and fertilise the spare eggs and then, when they are hatched...
0:16:12 > 0:16:14- It sheds its horns. - ..it sheds its moustache...
0:16:14 > 0:16:17- Its love horns. - ..and goes around clean-shaven.
0:16:17 > 0:16:18Oh, wow.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21- Wow.- The Emei. E-M-E-I.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23- Emei.- Yeah.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25But there are other moustachioed animals,
0:16:25 > 0:16:28some of them quite extraordinary. There's the Leucauge mariana
0:16:28 > 0:16:32female spider, prefers to mate with a male with hairy front.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34A hairy front!
0:16:34 > 0:16:38- With a moustache, exactly. - Nobody wants hairy mandibles.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40A whiskered front, exactly.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43If a male tickles a female with its little whiskers,
0:16:43 > 0:16:49it is more likely to continue mating and to produce a genital plug.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52- Oh!- A genital plug?- A genital plug.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Is that something... An advert for your genitals?
0:16:55 > 0:16:58I could keep my genitals a plug, they're pretty good.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Let's all Google that now.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04"You're here to plug your genitals, come on."
0:17:04 > 0:17:08Just see what comes up if you put "genital plug" into a search engine.
0:17:08 > 0:17:13A genital plug is when the female, after mating, then produces
0:17:13 > 0:17:18this bung at the end of its entrance to stop other males from mating,
0:17:18 > 0:17:21so that it guarantees the successful male will pass on its genes.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24- Is it nature's chastity belt? - Kind of, yes.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27Afterwards, a male spider that tries to mount her and mate
0:17:27 > 0:17:30will find it's rebuffed by the genital plug.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33- Oh, nothing hurts more than a plug! - Exactly.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36As you know, the whole aim of a male is to pass on its genes.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39- That's what it's all about. - Not with a genital plug, it won't.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42- No, exactly. - Now available from Tesco.
0:17:42 > 0:17:47Because scientists are interesting creatures, arachnologists,
0:17:47 > 0:17:50I suppose, they tested to see how useful these hairs were on the male
0:17:50 > 0:17:52by shaving some of the males
0:17:52 > 0:17:55and the shaved males aroused less interest in the females.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Who's funding this research?
0:17:57 > 0:17:59LAUGHTER
0:17:59 > 0:18:00You are!
0:18:00 > 0:18:05This must be Lottery winners who are going, "Yeah, shave a spider.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09"Brilliant. That was brilliant."
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Surely, on an evolutionary level,
0:18:12 > 0:18:16surely the lady spider would want to get as many men as possible.
0:18:16 > 0:18:21What the female wants to do is to attract the strongest, bravest,
0:18:21 > 0:18:22- biggest of the species.- Yes.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Because the eggs can only be fertilised once.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29But you'd want the spider that goes, "Bung? That's nothing to me!"
0:18:29 > 0:18:32That's true, actually, that's probably true.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34ALAN MAKES POPPING NOISE
0:18:34 > 0:18:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:38 > 0:18:41No, no, no. I think it's probably more like...
0:18:41 > 0:18:43HE SQUEAKS
0:18:43 > 0:18:48- A little pucker.- I know. - Exactly, but not straight out.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50In a few million years, that will happen.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52That the male spiders will evolve...
0:18:52 > 0:18:54She can't wait that long with a bung in her.
0:18:54 > 0:18:58"I'm sorry, love, I've got a plug in, I'm sorry."
0:18:58 > 0:19:01A Glade plug-in.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03A Glade plug-in!
0:19:03 > 0:19:06- Well, you won't get... - That's where they got the name from.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10There's another spider with a moustache,
0:19:10 > 0:19:12and that's the brown huntsman.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15It has a luminous white moustache, or yellowy white.
0:19:15 > 0:19:19- Which is...- Ginger. - What do you think its purpose is?
0:19:19 > 0:19:22- Is it a draught excluder? - Arachnid hatch.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Well, there are two things animals have to do.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28- Sex and eat.- Food.- Eat. - This one is food.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31- Does it attract things? - Moths, because it's luminous.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Oh, I see, right.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35So, the moth sees that little luminous moustache
0:19:35 > 0:19:38and ignores the hideousness...
0:19:38 > 0:19:41- LAUGHTER - ..of the rest of that creature.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44It looks like the worst thing I've ever seen in my life,
0:19:44 > 0:19:46"but, oh, it's glowing!
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Well, it is night, you see.
0:19:48 > 0:19:52- Ah.- So, by the time the moth is close up, it's too late. Grrr!
0:19:52 > 0:19:55But it's a horrible last few seconds for that moth.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57It's the realisation, "Oh, shit!"
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Now, we all know there are perfectly good reasons
0:20:02 > 0:20:04for shaving a toad or a spider,
0:20:04 > 0:20:07but why would you want to shave the monkey?
0:20:07 > 0:20:08MONKEY SHRIEKS
0:20:08 > 0:20:10LAUGHTER
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Do you know it?
0:20:12 > 0:20:14To find out if it was the Antichrist.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16LAUGHTER
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Have the 666 or related number, according to...
0:20:19 > 0:20:23Is it some sort of, like, monkey stag do?
0:20:23 > 0:20:27- Well...- He goes to sleep and they shave him completely.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30- And then he'll wake up and go, "Ha-ha-ha(!)"- It's not that.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33SLOWLY: It's like this with extreme slowness and laziness...
0:20:33 > 0:20:36- Sloth.- Are you a lazy monkey?
0:20:36 > 0:20:37I would be languid...
0:20:37 > 0:20:39- A langur.- A langur.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42- Oh, hello.- Where do you find langur monkeys?
0:20:42 > 0:20:45That one in the middle does not look lazy.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47LAUGHTER
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Psychotic? Yes.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52- The word is langur.- Oh, OK. - That's what they're called.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Do they like Madagascar? Do they go there?
0:20:55 > 0:20:57I don't think so. It's all lemurs, I think. They're India.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00There's a lot of them. Such a lot that there's a real problem.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03They're considered an infestation
0:21:03 > 0:21:07and so Indian authorities decided they would try something,
0:21:07 > 0:21:09which is...
0:21:09 > 0:21:13- You shave the leader of a particular troop of langurs...- Yes.
0:21:13 > 0:21:14- ..the alpha male...- Yeah.
0:21:14 > 0:21:19..and rather than him being expelled and another male taking his place,
0:21:19 > 0:21:21- the group disbands.- Oh.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24And that sort of solves the problem of the infestation
0:21:24 > 0:21:27because they're a damn nuisance. Pests, they're considered.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30I mean... In their own place, the jungle...
0:21:30 > 0:21:32- They can be quite scary. - ..fantastic.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Amazing, leaping through trees.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Once they get habituated to humans, they pull your hair, they bite...
0:21:37 > 0:21:40I've got a howler monkey bite here that still aggravates me.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42"Oh, poor Stephen." LAUGHTER
0:21:42 > 0:21:45- Were you trying to shave it? - LAUGHTER
0:21:45 > 0:21:47For your own wicked purposes?
0:21:47 > 0:21:50LAUGHTER
0:21:50 > 0:21:53- Just horrible. - I like a smooth monkey myself.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Take it away, take it away, this monkey's too hairy!
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Oh, yes, bring him to me. I will shave him.
0:21:59 > 0:22:00No, um...
0:22:00 > 0:22:03- Oh! - MONKEY SHRIEKS
0:22:03 > 0:22:04ALAN JOINS IN
0:22:04 > 0:22:08In 2001, several large langurs were employed by the Indian government.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11They were paid, in the form of bananas,
0:22:11 > 0:22:14and they basically had to police the defence centre
0:22:14 > 0:22:18where rhesus macaques were stealing food and paperwork,
0:22:18 > 0:22:20- they were pulling women's saris off...- Paperwork?- Yes.
0:22:20 > 0:22:24- Very anti-bureaucracy monkeys.- It was the Ministry of Defence complex.
0:22:24 > 0:22:25And so...they were small.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28So they got the big langurs to police them, essentially,
0:22:28 > 0:22:31and they did. They pushed them out to the post office.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33LAUGHTER
0:22:33 > 0:22:35And they've worked there ever since.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Doing paperwork.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40The thing is, the baboons in Cape Town,
0:22:40 > 0:22:43they have to have monitors because they're protected,
0:22:43 > 0:22:46so they can't actually take them out and put them on a perch.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48No, it's illegal to kill them.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51It's like killing a cow, they are sacred...
0:22:51 > 0:22:53in the Hindu religion.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56The God, Lord Hanuman, apparently, is the monkey god.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59But they're a damn nuisance, so it's very difficult to know what to do
0:22:59 > 0:23:01but shaving seems a good answer. Well, there you are!
0:23:01 > 0:23:05What's quite interesting about this macaque, while on the subject?
0:23:06 > 0:23:12Oh, this is the one that took the picture of itself, is it?
0:23:12 > 0:23:13Yes, the selfie macaque.
0:23:13 > 0:23:17- The macaque selfie, yes.- Well done, absolutely right.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19This is a macaque type of monkey in Indonesia
0:23:19 > 0:23:21that a British photographer took.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Or he did, or did he? That's the question.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26Ah, so who owns the copyright of the photo?
0:23:26 > 0:23:31- That's the question. The US court decided...- I'm glad it went that far.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34I mean, that surely is a vindication of every legal system.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37It's a British photographer, David Slater his name is.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40But the Copyright Office said that to be copyrightable,
0:23:40 > 0:23:42a work must owe its origin to a human being.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44And they've decided this wouldn't.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46But of course it does owe its origin to him
0:23:46 > 0:23:49because he set a camera up on a tripod, got the exposure correct,
0:23:49 > 0:23:54and it so happened that the macaque pressed the button.
0:23:54 > 0:23:58But to say that therefore he doesn't have copyright over that picture
0:23:58 > 0:24:01- seems a bit extraordinary... - So every time they use that photo,
0:24:01 > 0:24:03they were suggesting he consults the macaque?
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Well, it's supposedly uncopyrightable
0:24:06 > 0:24:09because copyright law only applies to humans.
0:24:09 > 0:24:13But that's human technology, so that's that guy's phone or camera,
0:24:13 > 0:24:17- so surely he should have the copyright.- This is our feeling too.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Which is why we have chosen to pay him for the rights
0:24:20 > 0:24:24to the photograph, as you normally do on television.
0:24:24 > 0:24:25If something's copyright, you pay...
0:24:25 > 0:24:28So, someone said, "We're not paying you, you didn't take it."?
0:24:28 > 0:24:32- Some have said that and he's annoyed about it.- He did a good pose, though.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34He did, a terrific pose.
0:24:34 > 0:24:38The chap on the right's about to actually take the camera
0:24:38 > 0:24:40and that will end it all.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Anyway, how do you titillate this ocelot?
0:24:43 > 0:24:46- Aww!- AUDIENCE: Aww!
0:24:46 > 0:24:47Oh, you can't, surely... Do you?
0:24:47 > 0:24:49It's probably vicious, though, isn't it?
0:24:49 > 0:24:52I mean, these things will have your arm off, won't they?
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Well done for not saying the famous thing of
0:24:54 > 0:24:56- "How do you titillate an ocelot?" - Which is to...?
0:24:56 > 0:25:00Oscillate its tit a lot. LAUGHTER
0:25:00 > 0:25:02You don't do that.
0:25:02 > 0:25:03This is tree ocelot,
0:25:03 > 0:25:06which actually is better known by another name
0:25:06 > 0:25:08which begins with our themed letter.
0:25:08 > 0:25:09There it is. Beautiful animal.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11- Oh.- Oh.- I've played with one...
0:25:11 > 0:25:14A kitten one. ..they're absolutely extraordinary.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17- They're called Margays.- Margays.
0:25:17 > 0:25:18Margay. M-A-R-G-A-Y. Margay.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20- HUSKILY:- Margay.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23And they are a tree ocelot because, as you can see from that photo,
0:25:23 > 0:25:26- they are tree-dwelling. - Have you shaved it, Stephen?
0:25:26 > 0:25:27LAUGHTER
0:25:27 > 0:25:31They are almost unique amongst the cat family in that,
0:25:31 > 0:25:34not only can they climb trees headfirst...
0:25:34 > 0:25:36They can fell them with axes.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38LAUGHTER
0:25:38 > 0:25:40They can descend trees headfirst -
0:25:40 > 0:25:42which no other cat, except the cloud leopard, can do.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45- God, look at that.- There they are. - He's rappelling.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47- He's rappelling down... - He is, isn't he?- Look at that.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50And they do this by revolving their ankles 180 degrees.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53- It's astonishing. - Oh, that is fantastic.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55They really are extraordinary and so poised in balance,
0:25:55 > 0:25:57but there are not many tree-living cats.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59- Are their ankles...? - Margays?- Yep.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02And the fact that other cats can't is the reason...
0:26:02 > 0:26:04The cat stuck in the tree business.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06They are stunning.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09They live in central and southern America.
0:26:09 > 0:26:10They can imitate...
0:26:10 > 0:26:12The really rare thing about them, no other cat can do this,
0:26:12 > 0:26:15- they can imitate... - Paul Daniels.
0:26:15 > 0:26:16LAUGHTER
0:26:16 > 0:26:19- They can imitate...- All the characters from Coronation Street.
0:26:19 > 0:26:20They can imitate Bruce Forsyth.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23HE IMITATES BRUCE FORSYTH
0:26:23 > 0:26:25They imitate the calls of wild monkeys.
0:26:25 > 0:26:26Jimmy Carr laughing.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28LAUGHTER
0:26:28 > 0:26:31The pied tamarin is the famous one there.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33- Look at that.- What is that...
0:26:33 > 0:26:36head...submerged in fur?
0:26:36 > 0:26:38That's a really cute body
0:26:38 > 0:26:42- attached to the most hideous head I've ever seen. - LAUGHTER
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Is that another selfie?
0:26:44 > 0:26:48That's a selfie stick that it's holding.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51It's a pied tamarin. I don't think it usually looks quite as...
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Well, odd as that.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56- A small little... Like a tree monkey?- Yep, exactly.
0:26:56 > 0:27:01Yeah. Cats get stuck in trees because they can't get down again
0:27:01 > 0:27:04- or they lose confidence.- They make such a fuss about it, don't they?
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Miaow! Miaow!
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Get down, you twat, you did it yourself!
0:27:08 > 0:27:11I throw things at them.
0:27:11 > 0:27:15When they fall through the branches, scrabbling away, hilarious!
0:27:16 > 0:27:19And when they eventually hit the ground, they'll style it out
0:27:19 > 0:27:22as though they meant to do that. "I wanted to get down, actually."
0:27:22 > 0:27:25In our beloved capital city alone,
0:27:25 > 0:27:28the fire brigade has a lot of trouble.
0:27:28 > 0:27:32In 2012, they were rescuing a treed animal every 14 hours.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34A waste of public funds.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37- Pretty much, isn't it?- They should do it with a big stick, just jab 'em.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40- A lasso.- Half of them are cats, but they've also had
0:27:40 > 0:27:43a chimpanzee trapped in a chimney in Tower Hamlets.
0:27:43 > 0:27:48A puppy with its head stuck in an exercise machine in Hillingdon.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50A puppy's got to work out.
0:27:51 > 0:27:55A kitten with its head stuck in a bongo drum in a flat.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Jazzy!
0:27:59 > 0:28:03- I'd love to see that. I would love to see that.- A beatnik kitten.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Miaow! Miaow!
0:28:05 > 0:28:08"You've got to get it out, it's cruel." "No, not for a bit."
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Anyway, now, for a question about migration,
0:28:14 > 0:28:16I'm going to ask you all to take out a map
0:28:16 > 0:28:18that you should find beneath your desks.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20- Oh, yeah.- There you are.
0:28:20 > 0:28:23And you've got some drawing to do on the map.
0:28:23 > 0:28:27I want you to draw the extraordinary annual migration
0:28:27 > 0:28:30of the North American blue grouse
0:28:30 > 0:28:35- as accurately as you can.- Right. North America. OK, so anywhere...?
0:28:35 > 0:28:37Not Alaska, then? Is it Alaska? Could be Alaska?
0:28:37 > 0:28:40The point is that I don't tell you until...
0:28:40 > 0:28:42- LAUGHTER - I've got a feeling...
0:28:42 > 0:28:45that they want to get to another bit of North America,
0:28:45 > 0:28:48- but they go the wrong way... - LAUGHTER
0:28:48 > 0:28:51..and they end up going all the way around the world
0:28:51 > 0:28:54- and landing on the other kind of...- OK, there you go.
0:28:54 > 0:28:55Florida for the sun
0:28:55 > 0:28:58and then to the Carnival in Rio
0:28:58 > 0:28:59and then to Sydney...
0:28:59 > 0:29:01By way of Cape Town, is it?
0:29:01 > 0:29:03So they go to all the Mardi Gras?
0:29:03 > 0:29:06Well, they go to all the Mardi Gras. They're just mad for it.
0:29:07 > 0:29:09And then up here, where there's, like,
0:29:09 > 0:29:11a cheese-rolling in Britain, they like that.
0:29:11 > 0:29:13LAUGHTER
0:29:13 > 0:29:15And then they're just knackered.
0:29:15 > 0:29:17and the ones that are still alive, back home.
0:29:17 > 0:29:19It's a fantastic route.
0:29:19 > 0:29:20I just think that sort of
0:29:20 > 0:29:24they go... just on a trip round South America
0:29:24 > 0:29:27just to have a look - might as well make a day of it.
0:29:27 > 0:29:30- I reckon they go about a mile to the next village.- Yeah.
0:29:30 > 0:29:32Well, I think what happens is they start off
0:29:32 > 0:29:35and they overshoot, and they end up going completely round,
0:29:35 > 0:29:38not hitting any landmass at all, and they think,
0:29:38 > 0:29:40"We'll give it one more go," and they end up in Colchester.
0:29:40 > 0:29:44They've no idea, but, for millennia they've ended up in Colchester.
0:29:44 > 0:29:47And yours... Show the ladies and gentlemen.
0:29:47 > 0:29:49LAUGHTER
0:29:50 > 0:29:52APPLAUSE
0:29:59 > 0:30:01Oh, dear.
0:30:01 > 0:30:03Well, wouldn't it be funny if you were right?
0:30:03 > 0:30:04You're trying not to smile.
0:30:04 > 0:30:07- You're trying not to. - I don't want to look at it.
0:30:07 > 0:30:09- You like it.- I don't like it. I don't like it.
0:30:09 > 0:30:12"Do I like these? I don't like these."
0:30:12 > 0:30:15- It's funny.- I don't like it.
0:30:15 > 0:30:17- OK...- I don't like it!
0:30:17 > 0:30:19Stop that. OK.
0:30:19 > 0:30:21Incredibly,
0:30:21 > 0:30:24closest to the truth was Alan.
0:30:24 > 0:30:26LAUGHTER
0:30:26 > 0:30:29APPLAUSE
0:30:30 > 0:30:31Hold on.
0:30:31 > 0:30:34Not...in your drawing
0:30:34 > 0:30:37- but in the remark you...- My first idea that they leave America,
0:30:37 > 0:30:39go round the world and land in America again?
0:30:39 > 0:30:42- No. In the remark you just made to Bill.- What?
0:30:42 > 0:30:44"I reckon they just..."
0:30:44 > 0:30:46Go about a mile to the next village.
0:30:46 > 0:30:47Yes!
0:30:47 > 0:30:49It's even less than that.
0:30:49 > 0:30:53Its extraordinary migration is 300 yards.
0:30:53 > 0:30:54LAUGHTER
0:30:54 > 0:30:57APPLAUSE
0:30:59 > 0:31:01My kind of bird.
0:31:01 > 0:31:04I love the thought of them packing their cases...
0:31:04 > 0:31:07- Leaving a note for the milkman. - Are we nearly there yet?
0:31:07 > 0:31:09"Unplug the telly!"
0:31:09 > 0:31:12Every spring, it goes down to its breeding grounds
0:31:12 > 0:31:15and then, in the autumn, it schleps all the way back up the hill again.
0:31:15 > 0:31:17- That's... - Does it take a long time?
0:31:17 > 0:31:20On foot, by the way. Not even flying.
0:31:20 > 0:31:24I mean, they are massive, aren't they? Based on those footprints.
0:31:24 > 0:31:25LAUGHTER
0:31:25 > 0:31:27Enormous. Yes.
0:31:27 > 0:31:32The name for the insatiable urge to migrate is Zugunruhe.
0:31:32 > 0:31:35It's German for movement and restlessness.
0:31:35 > 0:31:38- GERMAN ACCENT:- Zugunruhe! - LAUGHTER
0:31:38 > 0:31:42But anyway, where does a marsh warbler go for singing lessons?
0:31:42 > 0:31:47- A marsh warbler...?- Marsh warbler. - Do they copy other birds' songs?
0:31:47 > 0:31:48Is it one of those?
0:31:48 > 0:31:52- Take a lot of points. - Come on, points.
0:31:52 > 0:31:55APPLAUSE You're absolutely right.
0:31:58 > 0:31:59Mimicry.
0:31:59 > 0:32:03Usually, you think a bird learns its musical repertoire from its parents
0:32:03 > 0:32:05and almost all birds do.
0:32:05 > 0:32:06The marsh warbler doesn't,
0:32:06 > 0:32:09because its parents stop singing before it hatches.
0:32:09 > 0:32:13It's got 31 European and 45 African species
0:32:13 > 0:32:15in their repertoire.
0:32:15 > 0:32:17So, they sound like all the birds of Africa and Europe to us.
0:32:17 > 0:32:19And they can switch from one to another...?
0:32:19 > 0:32:23Yeah, because they're just imitating all the different ones around them.
0:32:23 > 0:32:26Do they have the own distinctive one, or is just a composite?
0:32:26 > 0:32:29No. You can never tell it's a marsh warbler by listening.
0:32:29 > 0:32:31We can hear one.
0:32:31 > 0:32:34MARSH WARBLER SINGS
0:32:34 > 0:32:38We might have a bird expert in saying, "Ah, it is imitating the..."
0:32:38 > 0:32:42If you got a marsh warbler in and you just played it...
0:32:42 > 0:32:44Taylor Swift or something, would it start...?
0:32:44 > 0:32:46LAUGHTER
0:32:46 > 0:32:47Because that's your go-to thing, is it?
0:32:47 > 0:32:50I've got a marsh warbler, I want to see what this can do.
0:32:50 > 0:32:53- Let's get some Taylor Swift... - LAUGHTER
0:32:53 > 0:32:56Swift, oddly enough, great birdies.
0:32:56 > 0:32:58Taylor Swallow.
0:32:58 > 0:33:01BILL CHUCKLES
0:33:01 > 0:33:03LAUGHTER
0:33:03 > 0:33:07No, you're going into dangerous territory there.
0:33:07 > 0:33:09Dear, oh, dear.
0:33:09 > 0:33:11That's excellent.
0:33:11 > 0:33:13"Taylor Swallow."
0:33:13 > 0:33:14LAUGHTER
0:33:14 > 0:33:18I'm going to play you a bird song right now...
0:33:18 > 0:33:20I had a dream about that the other night.
0:33:20 > 0:33:23LAUGHTER
0:33:23 > 0:33:25- No need.- I'm going to play you a bird song.
0:33:25 > 0:33:27- BILL:- No need for that.
0:33:27 > 0:33:29BIRD SONG What's this?
0:33:29 > 0:33:32BIRD SONG
0:33:32 > 0:33:35"Help me. Help me!
0:33:35 > 0:33:37"He's shaving me again."
0:33:37 > 0:33:38LAUGHTER
0:33:38 > 0:33:41- So, we've got it over there. - "You can't park here."
0:33:41 > 0:33:43That quite close, "Can't park."
0:33:43 > 0:33:45- Illegal item in the bagging area. - Morepork!
0:33:45 > 0:33:48- Got it. Morepork! - Morepork.- Morepork.
0:33:48 > 0:33:49There it is on the left.
0:33:49 > 0:33:53It's also a Tasmanian owl but it's called a morepork.
0:33:53 > 0:33:56- I thought you had just translated what that meant.- Yeah.
0:33:56 > 0:33:57LAUGHTER
0:33:57 > 0:34:01He said, "More pork." Correct. He's asking for more pork.
0:34:01 > 0:34:03- He's asking for more pork. Yes. - LAUGHTER
0:34:03 > 0:34:06And we've heard the marsh warbler.
0:34:06 > 0:34:08The monotonous lark is so-called cos it's monotonous.
0:34:08 > 0:34:10A monotonous lark.
0:34:10 > 0:34:12"Come on, we're going on a monotonous lark."
0:34:12 > 0:34:16- LAUGHTER - "We're going on a narrow-boat holiday in Norfolk."
0:34:16 > 0:34:18LAUGHTER
0:34:18 > 0:34:21THAT is a monotonous lark.
0:34:21 > 0:34:23I went on one of those.
0:34:23 > 0:34:26"Oh, that'll will be fun. Let's go on a narrow-boat holiday,"
0:34:26 > 0:34:28and everyone was taking turns doing the engine.
0:34:28 > 0:34:30Cut to a couple of miles later,
0:34:30 > 0:34:33everyone downstairs drinking wine. Me upstairs...
0:34:33 > 0:34:36HE MIMICS ENGINE
0:34:36 > 0:34:38..for three days.
0:34:38 > 0:34:40Three days like that...
0:34:40 > 0:34:42HE MIMICS ENGINE
0:34:42 > 0:34:44"Do you want a glass of wine, Bill?"
0:34:44 > 0:34:46"No, no, I'm fine up here. I'll be fine."
0:34:46 > 0:34:49- HE MIMICS ENGINE - Worst weekend of my life.
0:34:50 > 0:34:53I just want you to know that nothing involving Norfolk is ever monotonous.
0:34:53 > 0:34:55LAUGHTER
0:34:55 > 0:34:57- The marabou stork...- Oh, yeah.
0:34:57 > 0:34:59..is often given the label,
0:34:59 > 0:35:01"the ugliest bird in the animal kingdom..."
0:35:01 > 0:35:04- That's not fair. - OK, name an uglier one.
0:35:04 > 0:35:07- All right.- Don't make me say it.
0:35:07 > 0:35:10No! LAUGHTER
0:35:10 > 0:35:13- Edwina Currie.- Oh!
0:35:13 > 0:35:15Avian...
0:35:15 > 0:35:17One of the reasons it's considered so ugly is...
0:35:17 > 0:35:19SUE LAUGHS
0:35:19 > 0:35:24Edwina Currie, really? I wouldn't have gone straight there.
0:35:24 > 0:35:28- It was a good choice, wasn't it? I went through a couple.- It was safer.
0:35:28 > 0:35:29It was like you had it...
0:35:29 > 0:35:31"Don't make me say it - Edwina Currie."
0:35:32 > 0:35:35And I DIDN'T make you say that.
0:35:35 > 0:35:38The reason the marabou stork is considered so ugly, perhaps,
0:35:38 > 0:35:41is not just its appearance. It's because of its behaviour.
0:35:41 > 0:35:43It's peevish.
0:35:43 > 0:35:46Well, it squirts its excrement onto its legs,
0:35:46 > 0:35:47such that... They are black,
0:35:47 > 0:35:50but they become white because they get dried on, caked on...
0:35:50 > 0:35:52That's laziness, isn't it?
0:35:52 > 0:35:56If Montgomery Burns, from The Simpsons, was a bird...
0:35:56 > 0:35:58- That would be! You're right. - That would be it, yeah.
0:35:58 > 0:36:00It dumps on its own leg...
0:36:00 > 0:36:02- AS MR BURNS: - Poo on my legs, excellent.
0:36:02 > 0:36:04LAUGHTER
0:36:04 > 0:36:07They'll eat just about any creature, living or dead,
0:36:07 > 0:36:08along with faeces, scraps, carrion,
0:36:08 > 0:36:11human rubbish including shoes and pieces of metal.
0:36:11 > 0:36:13They're pretty dodgy creatures.
0:36:13 > 0:36:14LAUGHTER
0:36:14 > 0:36:17Marsh warblers just make it up as they go along.
0:36:17 > 0:36:18ALAN LAUGHS UNCONTROLLABLY
0:36:18 > 0:36:20Now for a question about metamor...
0:36:20 > 0:36:22LAUGHTER
0:36:22 > 0:36:24What happened while I was reading...?
0:36:24 > 0:36:27I had my back turned to you and I was looking at the blackboard.
0:36:27 > 0:36:29Honestly, sir. Nothing, sir.
0:36:29 > 0:36:32No, sir, Davies showed me a picture of a penis, sir.
0:36:32 > 0:36:34LAUGHTER
0:36:34 > 0:36:36- He showed me that, sir.- Sir, sir.
0:36:36 > 0:36:39- That is not a penis.- Sir, sir, look at Bailey's drawing of a penis, sir.
0:36:39 > 0:36:41I never drew a thing, sir.
0:36:41 > 0:36:43What's wrong with his penis if he draws one like that, sir?!
0:36:43 > 0:36:45He drew a penis on the world.
0:36:45 > 0:36:47He drew a penis on the world!
0:36:47 > 0:36:50That's got... That's illegal, isn't it?
0:36:50 > 0:36:51LAUGHTER
0:36:51 > 0:36:52Oh, Lord.
0:36:52 > 0:36:55LAUGHTER
0:36:55 > 0:36:58Now it's time to stumble blindly into the morass of General Ignorance.
0:36:58 > 0:37:00Fingers on buzzers. All right.
0:37:00 > 0:37:03Where does a mosquito go to concentrate?
0:37:03 > 0:37:05SQUAWK Yes, Bill.
0:37:05 > 0:37:08- A blood bank. - LAUGHTER
0:37:08 > 0:37:10Very good. APPLAUSE
0:37:10 > 0:37:15- Library.- Library? Oh, no, Sue! KLAXON BLARES
0:37:17 > 0:37:20Of course, the word "concentrate" can mean different things
0:37:20 > 0:37:22and we mean a concentrate...
0:37:22 > 0:37:25- Where's the greatest concentration...- Oh, I see.
0:37:25 > 0:37:26..of mozzies? Where?
0:37:26 > 0:37:28- A marsh.- Near rivers and things.
0:37:28 > 0:37:31- Yeah, well...- Swamps.- Where?
0:37:31 > 0:37:34- Africa? - KLAXON BLARES
0:37:34 > 0:37:35Not Africa.
0:37:38 > 0:37:40Scotland. Mediterranean.
0:37:40 > 0:37:41Loads of midges in Scotland.
0:37:41 > 0:37:43Midges, yes, but these are mosquitoes.
0:37:43 > 0:37:45- Specifically mosquitoes.- Portugal.
0:37:45 > 0:37:47It's that quantity, you don't get that in Africa,
0:37:47 > 0:37:49- you don't get that in... - Where's that?- ..Panama,
0:37:49 > 0:37:51you don't get that in south-east Asia.
0:37:51 > 0:37:52You get that only in the Arctic.
0:37:52 > 0:37:55Oh. The Arctic. Oh.
0:37:55 > 0:37:56In Alaska and Manitoba.
0:37:56 > 0:37:59Where there's virtually nothing alive with no blood anywhere.
0:37:59 > 0:38:01I've never seen... I've been to Alaska lots
0:38:01 > 0:38:02and never seen a mosquito.
0:38:02 > 0:38:04- Well, you have to be there at... - The right time.
0:38:04 > 0:38:06Or wrong time, really, yeah.
0:38:06 > 0:38:08There's the beauty that is Alaska,
0:38:08 > 0:38:09and the standing pools of water
0:38:09 > 0:38:11are perfect for mosquito breeding.
0:38:11 > 0:38:14Yes, the densest concentrations of mosquitoes in the world
0:38:14 > 0:38:16are in the Arctic.
0:38:16 > 0:38:18Including all the animals,
0:38:18 > 0:38:21on average, how many legs does an animal have?
0:38:21 > 0:38:23What's the average number of legs that animals have?
0:38:23 > 0:38:25- Oh, you... That's tough... - All living things.
0:38:25 > 0:38:27- ..because you've got to balance... - Three!
0:38:27 > 0:38:30- ..a millipede... - KLAXON BLARES
0:38:30 > 0:38:31LAUGHTER
0:38:31 > 0:38:35My guess is that most numbers will be in the system.
0:38:35 > 0:38:36LAUGHTER
0:38:38 > 0:38:39APPLAUSE
0:38:44 > 0:38:48I mean, there are billions of things like ants, aren't there?
0:38:48 > 0:38:51There are. Insects. Gigantic. They have six.
0:38:51 > 0:38:52That must bump the average right up.
0:38:52 > 0:38:55There are huge numbers of mites and they all have eight.
0:38:55 > 0:38:57And then you've got millipedes and centipedes.
0:38:57 > 0:38:59- But lots of them have none. - Worms have got none.
0:38:59 > 0:39:02- Stick with that thought.- So, worms have got no legs.- Slugs have none.
0:39:02 > 0:39:03One! One leg!
0:39:03 > 0:39:05- That's it. - That the closest we've got.
0:39:05 > 0:39:07I'm afraid it's not... KLAXON BLARES
0:39:07 > 0:39:10- LAUGHTER - Is it no legs?
0:39:10 > 0:39:12Well, it's... 0.01 is the average.
0:39:12 > 0:39:14Because there's that many worms.
0:39:14 > 0:39:16- Because...- Is this cos of fish?
0:39:16 > 0:39:19No, it's because of nematodes.
0:39:19 > 0:39:20ALL: Oh.
0:39:20 > 0:39:22Yeah, they're a sort of worm.
0:39:22 > 0:39:23There are ten to the power of 22,
0:39:23 > 0:39:25which is a vast number, on Earth.
0:39:25 > 0:39:26What is that?!
0:39:26 > 0:39:28100 times more than there are mites
0:39:28 > 0:39:30and 1,000 times more than there are insects.
0:39:30 > 0:39:33There's a parasitic nematode that lives in the human eye...
0:39:33 > 0:39:34Oh! My God.
0:39:34 > 0:39:37..and it can grow to seven centimetres long,
0:39:37 > 0:39:38- which is...- What?!- ..serious.
0:39:38 > 0:39:41AUDIENCE GROAN Wahey!
0:39:41 > 0:39:42- No, we don't want to see that. - Come on.
0:39:42 > 0:39:45How can you tell if you've got a nematode in your eye?
0:39:45 > 0:39:46Would you feel it wriggling around?
0:39:46 > 0:39:49Would it be wiggling...? Would you see it moving, for example?
0:39:49 > 0:39:53- You'd hear it talking.- If it's like that, a friend would see it.
0:39:53 > 0:39:56A friend would say, "Oh, just a sec till I get the corner of my hanky,
0:39:56 > 0:39:58"you've got an... enormous worm in your eye!"
0:40:01 > 0:40:02LAUGHTER
0:40:05 > 0:40:10- Yes. Hypocrite. First cast out the nematode in your eye.- Yes.
0:40:10 > 0:40:13Judge not that you be not judged.
0:40:13 > 0:40:15Yes, so many animals are completely legless
0:40:15 > 0:40:18that the overall average is about 100th of a leg each.
0:40:18 > 0:40:20Finally, a question about macropods.
0:40:20 > 0:40:23How many legs does a kangaroo have?
0:40:23 > 0:40:25Oh, don't say any numbers.
0:40:25 > 0:40:26Don't say any numbers.
0:40:26 > 0:40:30LAUGHTER
0:40:30 > 0:40:32Do you know my favourite bit in Toy Story?
0:40:32 > 0:40:36- Go on.- It's the dinosaur that's got little arms, right?- Yeah.
0:40:36 > 0:40:37And he doesn't want to see something -
0:40:37 > 0:40:39something terrible is happening - and he goes,
0:40:39 > 0:40:41"Somebody cover my eyes!"
0:40:41 > 0:40:44LAUGHTER
0:40:45 > 0:40:47That is a brilliant moment.
0:40:47 > 0:40:49I love that bit.
0:40:49 > 0:40:52Two. Two.
0:40:52 > 0:40:53KLAXON BLARES
0:40:53 > 0:40:55LAUGHTER
0:40:55 > 0:40:58It won't be nought or four either.
0:40:58 > 0:41:00"How many legs...?"
0:41:00 > 0:41:02How many LEGS has it got?
0:41:02 > 0:41:062.5.
0:41:06 > 0:41:08Well, you won't like this answer, but...
0:41:08 > 0:41:11Simon Fraser University in Burnaby, Canada,
0:41:11 > 0:41:13corralled red kangaroos through a chamber
0:41:13 > 0:41:15which measured the downward forces.
0:41:15 > 0:41:18They discovered that kangaroos put their front legs on the ground
0:41:18 > 0:41:20and move their back legs forwards
0:41:20 > 0:41:23at the same time as they push their tail onto the floor
0:41:23 > 0:41:25and use it to propel themselves forward.
0:41:25 > 0:41:27The team found that the amount of force from the tail
0:41:27 > 0:41:30was as great as that from the other four limbs combined...
0:41:30 > 0:41:32- So it's five?- ..making it effectively a fifth leg,
0:41:32 > 0:41:35so not just a fifth leg, but the most important of the five.
0:41:35 > 0:41:36Yeah.
0:41:36 > 0:41:38It's a tail, though, isn't it?
0:41:38 > 0:41:41It is a tail, but it's a kind of limb.
0:41:41 > 0:41:42Well, if you'd said limbs...
0:41:42 > 0:41:45# Hey hey, we're the Monkees. #
0:41:45 > 0:41:47- Yes, sir?- Five.
0:41:47 > 0:41:48LAUGHTER
0:41:48 > 0:41:51- No, no, you can't have that. - No, he can't. He can't.
0:41:51 > 0:41:53He can't have that.
0:41:53 > 0:41:55Absolutely not.
0:41:55 > 0:41:58Minus 5 for rank standing impertinence.
0:41:58 > 0:42:01The point is, you could cut off - not that you should, obviously -
0:42:01 > 0:42:03a kangaroo's forearms or arms
0:42:03 > 0:42:05and it could get around perfectly happily
0:42:05 > 0:42:07and you could cut off one of its rear legs and even
0:42:07 > 0:42:09it could still hop and get around -
0:42:09 > 0:42:11but if you cut off its tail, it couldn't...
0:42:11 > 0:42:13- You'd be a sadistic bastard. - LAUGHTER
0:42:13 > 0:42:15Which scientist conducted that experiment?
0:42:15 > 0:42:17LAUGHTER
0:42:17 > 0:42:19Kangaroos have almost five legs above average,
0:42:19 > 0:42:23which brings me to, miraculously, the scores.
0:42:23 > 0:42:25- BILL:- Oh, no.- Oh, dear.
0:42:25 > 0:42:26Oh, my good night.
0:42:26 > 0:42:31Well, nobody managed to push through into a positive number, I'm afraid.
0:42:31 > 0:42:34But our least successful on minus 28...
0:42:34 > 0:42:35Aww.
0:42:35 > 0:42:38I know why, and it's... Oh, Sue Perkins.
0:42:38 > 0:42:41- SHE LAUGHS - "I know why."
0:42:41 > 0:42:42APPLAUSE
0:42:46 > 0:42:49In third place, on minus 8, is Romesh.
0:42:49 > 0:42:52Oh, yes! APPLAUSE
0:42:52 > 0:42:54APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:42:54 > 0:42:57And please don't fall off these dizzy heights.
0:42:57 > 0:43:00Alan Davies on minus 3. CHEERING
0:43:00 > 0:43:04- APPLAUSE - Pretty pleased with that.
0:43:04 > 0:43:08And our super soaraway winner on minus 1 is Bill Bailey.
0:43:08 > 0:43:10CHEERING
0:43:10 > 0:43:11APPLAUSE
0:43:17 > 0:43:21So, it's goodnight from Romesh, Sue, Bill, Alan and me.
0:43:21 > 0:43:24You have been magnificent, and I want you to stay that way.
0:43:24 > 0:43:25Many thanks, and goodnight.
0:43:25 > 0:43:27APPLAUSE