0:00:28 > 0:00:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Goooooood....
0:00:34 > 0:00:38..rest ye merry, merry, merry, merry, merry, merry gentlemen,
0:00:38 > 0:00:40let nothing you dismay
0:00:40 > 0:00:42and welcome to the QI Christmas panto,
0:00:42 > 0:00:44with an evening of Merriment.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Let's see who's under my tree.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50It's Baron Hardup, Johnny Vegas.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56And here's Buttons Bill Bailey.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03Widow Twankey, Jenny Eclair.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09And a horse's arse, Alan Davies.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17So, let's hear your panto noises.
0:01:17 > 0:01:18Johnny goes...
0:01:18 > 0:01:20- BUZZER:- "OH, YES, IT IS."
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Bill goes...
0:01:23 > 0:01:25- BUZZER:- "OH, NO, IT ISN'T."
0:01:25 > 0:01:26Jenny goes...
0:01:26 > 0:01:28- BUZZER:- "HE'S BEHIND YOU!"
0:01:28 > 0:01:29And Alan goes...
0:01:29 > 0:01:32- BUZZER:- "WHY IS THAT MAN WEARING A DRESS, MUMMY?"
0:01:34 > 0:01:38Good question. Have a sweet, dear.
0:01:38 > 0:01:42Right, now, I've sent you all a Christmas card and here they are.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45I've got one for Johnny. And one for Jenny.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49- Thank you.- One for Bill. And there's one for Alan.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52- Thank you. - Now, my question is quite simple -
0:01:52 > 0:01:57whose card is most like the first card ever sent?
0:01:57 > 0:01:59- Well, mine's like that.- Yeah.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01- OK, well, I've got a robin. - You've got a robin.
0:02:01 > 0:02:05- A lovely cock robin.- Cock - maybe. How do you know it's a cock robin?
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Er, well, um...
0:02:08 > 0:02:10I mean, I don't mean cock robin...
0:02:10 > 0:02:11Is that what Batman said?
0:02:17 > 0:02:20That's terrible. ALAN LAUGHS
0:02:20 > 0:02:22- He likes that - you like that, don't you?- I like that.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25He's very pleased with himself. Have another sweet.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29- Sorry?- "How do you know it's a cock, Robin?"
0:02:29 > 0:02:30I didn't actually...
0:02:30 > 0:02:33"How do you know it's a cock, Robin?"
0:02:33 > 0:02:35So you've got the robin and the robin is certainly
0:02:35 > 0:02:37a traditional Christmas card picture and image.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40- You've got a Roman statue? - In a Christmas jumper.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Which seems unlikely, though, of course,
0:02:43 > 0:02:46- the Roman Empire had hundreds of years as a Christian empire...- No.
0:02:46 > 0:02:51- But you still...- If it had been a Christmas toga, maybe, but no.
0:02:51 > 0:02:52That's not the original Christmas card.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Well, fair point.
0:02:54 > 0:02:55You've got a little baby.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58I'm struggling to think this is the original.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01It's very close to my upbringing.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07- But it's not... - "I saw this and thought of you."
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Well, we saw that and thought of you, Alan.
0:03:09 > 0:03:10There we are. It does look a bit like me.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12It looks very like you.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15I would say that is Alan Davies, there.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17- In a production of Puss In Boots. - Puss In Boots.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21In 1916.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23So was that the very first Christmas card?
0:03:23 > 0:03:27No, it wasn't, but we were just fascinated to see Alan in it
0:03:27 > 0:03:31and to see that you were working in panto then
0:03:31 > 0:03:34and wondered, you know, whether you had a good experience?
0:03:34 > 0:03:36- Loved it. - You loved it, yeah.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38It's demanding, cos it's five shows a day.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Yes, five. That's what they always say.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43But financially, it's the best gig of the year, so...
0:03:43 > 0:03:46And can I say, I don't think we're getting the best out of my costume.
0:03:46 > 0:03:47Show the ladies and gentlemen.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Look, I've got a tail.
0:03:49 > 0:03:50- Hey! AUDIENCE:- Hey!
0:03:50 > 0:03:53And I've got...I've got feet and everything.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57- But it's all out of sight below the desk, Stephen.- Yes.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00It looks like you're just wearing a pair of large grey trousers,
0:04:00 > 0:04:02for no reason at all.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05They are retaining all the moisture, that's all I'd like to say...
0:04:05 > 0:04:07- Is it a ventriloquist's donkey? - It is now.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09- Oh, yeah... - "Happy new year."
0:04:09 > 0:04:12- That's a scary-looking... - "Rubbish Stephen, more points."
0:04:12 > 0:04:14You look like you're wearing boiler lagging.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16- You do! You've been lagged. - I've been lagged.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20All right, so yes, that was one Christmas card, it was 1916.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22I vote the robin as the early one.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Robins were very early on Christmas cards.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28It's probably the most common depiction of Christmas, isn't it?
0:04:28 > 0:04:29Do you know why they were common?
0:04:29 > 0:04:33- Why were they considered a symbol of Christmas?- Uh...
0:04:33 > 0:04:36What it is, is that when the first Christmas cards were delivered,
0:04:36 > 0:04:39they were delivered by postmen who wore red tunics
0:04:39 > 0:04:41and were known as "red breasts".
0:04:41 > 0:04:43- Oh, yes. - Robin red breasts.
0:04:43 > 0:04:47And so the sight of the postman coming up the path in the snow...
0:04:47 > 0:04:48..was a harbinger of doom.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51..was a harbinger of doom, of doom / Christmas.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53- A harbinger of postal orders. - Yeah.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55That's the most commonly accepted theory.
0:04:55 > 0:05:00What is also interesting is that in the last...20 years, maybe,
0:05:00 > 0:05:02the number of robins on Christmas cards in Britain
0:05:02 > 0:05:04has declined enormously.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Well, that's because that one looks like he's been doing Charlie.
0:05:10 > 0:05:11No, that...
0:05:11 > 0:05:13It just looks like he's been abusing drugs.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17- BILL:- It does, doesn't it?
0:05:19 > 0:05:22- JOHNNY:- He's the reason you can't get in a cubicle.
0:05:22 > 0:05:23Only you would notice, only you.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26I'm perhaps one of the last humans in Britain
0:05:26 > 0:05:29who use cubicles to have a poo.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33And at Christmas, the thought of a little robin red breast in there
0:05:33 > 0:05:35- just going... - HE SNIFFS
0:05:35 > 0:05:37- HIGH-PITCHED:- "I'll be out in a minute."
0:05:38 > 0:05:41..whilst I'm touching Christmas cloth.
0:05:41 > 0:05:42Oh, gracious.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44- BILL:- # "Touching Christmas cloth..."
0:05:44 > 0:05:47HE HUMS TUNE OF "JINGLE BELLS"
0:05:47 > 0:05:49This is already going slightly out of control.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52I think he's just... He's been at the Gold Top, that's all that is,
0:05:52 > 0:05:54he's been at the Gold Top on your doorstep.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56- Yes, that's right. - That's true, yes.
0:05:56 > 0:06:00I think the first picture on a Christmas card
0:06:00 > 0:06:05was a furious middle-aged woman scrubbing at a roasting tray
0:06:05 > 0:06:07with a think bubble coming out of her head
0:06:07 > 0:06:10which reads, "The ungrateful shits!"
0:06:12 > 0:06:14It would be... it would be very accurate.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17I'll just finish my robin point, which was reasonably interesting,
0:06:17 > 0:06:19- at least to me, if no-one else.- Yes.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22And that is, that over the last ten years,
0:06:22 > 0:06:25the number of robins appearing in Christmas cards...
0:06:25 > 0:06:27YAWNING
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Over the last ten years, the number of robins
0:06:29 > 0:06:33appearing on Christmas cards has declined by a quarter.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36But the number of robins in Britain, as the real birds,
0:06:36 > 0:06:38has increased by nearly a half.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40- Exponentially.- Yeah. - Oh, right.
0:06:40 > 0:06:41And the question of how you sex them,
0:06:41 > 0:06:44- how you tell them apart, it's not easy at all.- No.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47But it's something to do with the hairline they have there,
0:06:47 > 0:06:48where the red turns into grey.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51That one on the right is wearing Just For Men.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55It's said that if it's a kind of quite strong V,
0:06:55 > 0:06:56it's likely to be a female.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58And if it's more of a U, it's a male,
0:06:58 > 0:07:00but even ornithologists find it difficult.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04- No, it's very true, it's impossible. - Yeah. So, we'll turn to Jenny.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06What did Romans do at Christmas time?
0:07:06 > 0:07:07Rome...? What did Romans...?
0:07:07 > 0:07:12- Well, they would feast and fornicate and puke up afterwards.- Exactly.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Nothing's changed, really, over the years, has it?
0:07:15 > 0:07:17- That's Christmas, basically. - That's Christmas, yeah.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21- Christmas tends to happen... - Once a year.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Once a year.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26- Thank you. - I'm trying to help.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28APPLAUSE You are.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30- She can't get points for that. - No points for that.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33You think that's too obvious? It's not for me...
0:07:33 > 0:07:35A perfectly legitimate point has been scored.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37- Christmas is for life...- All right. - ..not just for...
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Oh, hang on, no, no.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42- There are midwinter feasts - Christmas is one.- Pagan feasts.- Yeah.
0:07:42 > 0:07:46- And the Roman one was Saturnalia. - Saturnalia.- Saturnalia,
0:07:46 > 0:07:47after the god Saturn.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49- And there you can see... - Oh, the debauchery.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52You can see him throwing up in the middle, in fact.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54We did that in the stockroom at Argos.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58At Christmas.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02But the card that is closest to the first card ever sent
0:08:02 > 0:08:03is Johnny's.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06- Oh, the drinking baby. - Baby with a drink?
0:08:06 > 0:08:08It was similar to the first card,
0:08:08 > 0:08:11which had a whole family with drinks, including a baby there.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14- That's the original. JOHNNY:- Let me get this straight.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16For years, I've thought that I was raised
0:08:16 > 0:08:17in an unstable environment,
0:08:17 > 0:08:20when actually my dad, every day,
0:08:20 > 0:08:22has just been trying to promote the original Christmas card.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Yes, there you are, exactly. Exactly.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27JOHNNY LAUGHS
0:08:27 > 0:08:30It was designed by John Callcott Horsley,
0:08:30 > 0:08:34Royal... Royal Acad... No, now I'm going to have one of these moments...
0:08:34 > 0:08:36- Royal Acadamadition. - A Royal Acadamadition.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38A Royal Academician. ALAN BABBLES
0:08:38 > 0:08:41It was designed by John Callcott Horsley, RA.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43And he...
0:08:44 > 0:08:45- Very good.- Nice.- Safe.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47And, as you see, it depicts a family
0:08:47 > 0:08:50all toasting Christmas and the New Year,
0:08:50 > 0:08:53including the toddler, there, in green, in front,
0:08:53 > 0:08:55and there's on the left a sign of feeding the poor,
0:08:55 > 0:08:58and on the right, a sign of clothing the naked,
0:08:58 > 0:09:00- all the good things you should do on Christmas.- Ah, yes.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02- If you see any naked people, clothe them.- Yes.
0:09:05 > 0:09:06Do not approach them.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08No. So there we are.
0:09:08 > 0:09:13Now, the Queen has a Christmas message, as do we.
0:09:13 > 0:09:18In fact, as we approach the end of series 13,
0:09:18 > 0:09:21it's time for us to reveal that every episode of QI,
0:09:21 > 0:09:24every single one, since the very first,
0:09:24 > 0:09:28has included a secret message which nobody has spotted.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Where do you think it's hidden?
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Is it on your face?
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Have you just encrypted
0:09:37 > 0:09:40some of your delightful laughter lines into some...?
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Perhaps it's in Klingon.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44HE SPEAKS KLINGON
0:09:44 > 0:09:47- Merry Christmas. - It's not on my face.
0:09:47 > 0:09:51Is it in the credits or the theme tune?
0:09:51 > 0:09:53- Theme tune.- The theme tune? - Ah!- The theme tune.
0:09:53 > 0:09:54- BILL:- What? No!
0:09:54 > 0:09:55Yes. It's in code.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58- What sort of code do you think it might be in?- Morse code.
0:09:58 > 0:10:02- Morse code is the right answer. - No, really?!- Yes. Yes!
0:10:02 > 0:10:05JENNY LAUGHS, APPLAUSE
0:10:09 > 0:10:12It was composed by the prolific Howard Goodall,
0:10:12 > 0:10:15whom people will know from Vicar of Dibley and Blackadder
0:10:15 > 0:10:18and many other theme tunes, as well as serious work,
0:10:18 > 0:10:22and his colleague, Simon Nathan, decoded this,
0:10:22 > 0:10:25and this is what it actually says.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27And that is actually a decoding of the...
0:10:27 > 0:10:30HE KNOCKS ON DESK ..the long and the shorts,
0:10:30 > 0:10:33the minims and the crochets, if you like, in musical terms.
0:10:33 > 0:10:38And it does come out as www.alan0andstephenhero.com.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41And that...that is...
0:10:41 > 0:10:44I know, I'm sorry. I didn't...
0:10:44 > 0:10:46APPLAUSE
0:10:50 > 0:10:52- BILL:- He never told you. - No...
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Years, you've been, like, in the stocks.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59Oh. Poor Alan.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Well, I didn't know it until I was told either, Alan.
0:11:02 > 0:11:03It's not my...
0:11:03 > 0:11:05- A STUDIO LIGHT BLOWS Oh!- My God!
0:11:06 > 0:11:08- What happened there? - What the hell was that?!
0:11:08 > 0:11:10- It was a light. - BILL:- Was it a lamp?
0:11:10 > 0:11:12- It might be a lamp. - No, no, he's got a bad ankle,
0:11:12 > 0:11:13I'm just taking him out.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17I can't afford to keep him.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:20 > 0:11:21Wow.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25I absolutely shat myself.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27ABSOLUTELY shat yourself? My God.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31So where were we? Where were we? Where were we?
0:11:31 > 0:11:35Oh, we were with this, www.alan0andstephenhero.com.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38- Yeah, let's move on from that. - You might find, ladies and gentlemen,
0:11:38 > 0:11:40including panelistas,
0:11:40 > 0:11:42that that is a real URL,
0:11:42 > 0:11:45a real web address, that you can find a little QI Easter egg in
0:11:45 > 0:11:46if you visit it.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Wow, if you've got nothing better to do with your lives.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53I think it's a jolly exciting thing to do with your life.
0:11:53 > 0:11:54Yes, it is, of course.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56- BUZZER:- "OH, NO, IT ISN'T..."
0:11:57 > 0:11:58So this...
0:11:58 > 0:12:00- BUZZER:- "OH, YES, IT IS."
0:12:00 > 0:12:03LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I knew there'd be trouble.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11I mentioned to you that that hidden code was discovered by Simon Nathan.
0:12:11 > 0:12:12He's in the audience. Where are you?
0:12:12 > 0:12:15- Is he wearing an anorak? - There he is, over there.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17He's not wearing an anorak. APPLAUSE
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Well done. Thank you very much.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22There you are.
0:12:22 > 0:12:27- Other TV shows have also hidden Morse code inside them.- Have they?
0:12:27 > 0:12:28Yeah. Do you know of one?
0:12:28 > 0:12:31One quite well-known example, pretty obvious when you think about it.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33- Loose Women. - BILL:- Morse.
0:12:33 > 0:12:34- Morse.- Of course. - Morse, yeah.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38The composer, Barrington Pheloung, liked to...
0:12:38 > 0:12:40- Never! - That's his name, yes.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Barrington Pheloung, nice chap. Very nice fellow.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45He used to hide the name of the murderer very often
0:12:45 > 0:12:47in the opening...
0:12:47 > 0:12:48HE HUMS BEAT ..there.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Yes. Wasn't it like this?
0:12:50 > 0:12:52- Hang on, I've actually, look, look...- Oh, hello.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56Right. It was like this, wasn't it?
0:12:56 > 0:12:57HE PLAYS NOTES
0:12:57 > 0:13:00- Yes.- He'd tap it out and then when the murderer appeared, he went...
0:13:00 > 0:13:02SINISTER MUSICAL STING
0:13:03 > 0:13:06LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:06 > 0:13:08And you went, "That's him!"
0:13:10 > 0:13:13They never understood why everybody could guess the murderer, could they?
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Another one which used Morse might surprise you.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18It had titles that came over
0:13:18 > 0:13:21as a sort of ticker-tape kind of thing at the end,
0:13:21 > 0:13:24with a piccolo giving the tune of a famous sitcom.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27BILL WHISTLES
0:13:27 > 0:13:30- Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em. - Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33- That one.- That one. - Exactly.- I'll stop whistling now.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35That was brilliant, you're right, that was the tune.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37And there's a building that gives off Morse code,
0:13:37 > 0:13:39a very famous building in Hollywood.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42- How? Tapping it?- Well, it's got a light flashing at the top.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44- It's not sound. - Oh, I thought it was...
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Because of course, Morse code can be visual as well.
0:13:46 > 0:13:50There it is. Capitol Records. It's like a stack of discs.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52And it flashes out this message here,
0:13:52 > 0:13:55"Hollywood", in Morse code - very simple.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59But in 2013, it changed to announce Katy Perry's new album Prism
0:13:59 > 0:14:02and its release date came out in Morse code.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Nobody noticed.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09Not like the demographic of Katy Perry's fans, not...
0:14:09 > 0:14:13They're not really into Morse. I'm just...just saying, just saying.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Bletchley and Katy Perry,
0:14:15 > 0:14:17- there's no real cross-over, is there?- Not really.
0:14:17 > 0:14:21There's 200,000 fans sitting there with carrier pigeons.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26"If only I'd known it was Morse."
0:14:26 > 0:14:31In 2004, Morse code added its first addition since World War II,
0:14:31 > 0:14:34which is di-dah-dah-di-dah-di.
0:14:34 > 0:14:35See if you can guess what it is?
0:14:35 > 0:14:37It's an addition to the Morse alphabet.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39It's going to be a hashtag or an @ sign.
0:14:39 > 0:14:40It's an @ sign, well done.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Exactly right, so that people can spot e-mail addresses.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Samuel Morse invented Morse code, as you probably know.
0:14:46 > 0:14:50But do you know anything about him, other than that he was the inventor of Morse code?
0:14:50 > 0:14:52He had another job, which was rather interesting.
0:14:52 > 0:14:58He was a painter and he liked, or was commissioned, to paint...
0:14:58 > 0:15:01- Dot-dot-dot, dash... - ..to paint paintings...
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot...
0:15:04 > 0:15:07He wasn't a pointillist, but he was commissioned to paint paintings.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10It seems very odd, why would he be commissioned to paint paintings?
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Whoa! There's a fly on my hand!
0:15:15 > 0:15:16Argh!
0:15:16 > 0:15:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:18 > 0:15:19Oh!
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Oh...!
0:15:23 > 0:15:25You've killed it, Alan!
0:15:25 > 0:15:28- I never thought I'd get it in a million years!- How could you?!
0:15:28 > 0:15:30It was just looking for somewhere to sleep
0:15:30 > 0:15:33- and you just killed it, you...you brute!- I'm so sorry.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Never mind. Merry Christmas, everybody.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Samuel Morse was a painter
0:15:39 > 0:15:41and he was commissioned to paint paintings.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43- Paint paintings. - Because he lived in an era
0:15:43 > 0:15:45when there were no catalogues.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48- Of course.- Of museums, for example. So he painted...
0:15:48 > 0:15:51- The Argos catalogue. - He painted one famous...
0:15:51 > 0:15:54He painted one famous painting, six foot by nine,
0:15:54 > 0:15:59of the most well-known exhibits at the Louvre Museum.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02So you could see them if you hadn't visited it.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05You can see the Mona Lisa, down there, famously.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07- The best-known of... - He was quite good, wasn't he?
0:16:07 > 0:16:09- Yeah, he was. - So as a sort of copyist...
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Yeah. To give you an idea of what was in the museum,
0:16:11 > 0:16:15the best-known ones there, if you didn't have a chance of getting to Paris, for example.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17So next time you think of Samuel Morse,
0:16:17 > 0:16:20- you can think of that as well as the dots and dashes.- Oh.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23I will - I'll think of him as...as a public spirited...
0:16:23 > 0:16:26- I think that's genuinely interesting.- Thank you.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29- Yes.- That's all we hope for. Good.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31So by that logic, he invented the internet?
0:16:38 > 0:16:40- He didn't.- He didn't?- No.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42- BILL:- Wait, the fly's coming back to life!
0:16:44 > 0:16:45Hold that thought, though.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48I have to hold these thoughts, I have nothing else.
0:16:48 > 0:16:49No, they're good thoughts. Thank you.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Anyway... We'll move on, we'll move on.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53And we may come back to that.
0:16:53 > 0:16:54I very much doubt it, but we may.
0:16:57 > 0:17:01Describe the plot of, or sing a song from the popular musical,
0:17:01 > 0:17:03"The Bathrooms Are Coming".
0:17:05 > 0:17:07# The bathrooms are coming
0:17:07 > 0:17:09# Thank God, I need a shit! #
0:17:11 > 0:17:13- Nice.- Bill, can you do me
0:17:13 > 0:17:16CISTERNS Are Doing It For Themselves?
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Oh, very good. APPLAUSE
0:17:20 > 0:17:23# The bathrooms are coming Lock up your pipes
0:17:23 > 0:17:26# The bathrooms are coming Where are your knives?
0:17:26 > 0:17:29# Kill, kill, kill them They'll be coming
0:17:29 > 0:17:31# Kill them, kill them
0:17:31 > 0:17:34# The bathrooms are coming for your lives... #
0:17:34 > 0:17:36AUDIENCE CLAPPING ALONG
0:17:36 > 0:17:38# They're coming for your souls... #
0:17:40 > 0:17:44# I've had it installed now
0:17:44 > 0:17:47# And there's nothing to pay till September
0:17:51 > 0:17:56# I'm on an HP high
0:17:56 > 0:18:01# And ain't no debt collector ever gonna bring me down
0:18:02 > 0:18:05# Water may be very hot
0:18:05 > 0:18:09# Don't let the grout go mouldy on me... #
0:18:09 > 0:18:11APPLAUSE
0:18:13 > 0:18:15It was country and western.
0:18:15 > 0:18:16BILL PLAYS A TUNE
0:18:16 > 0:18:19If you're going to do country and western, it'll be...
0:18:19 > 0:18:23# Fixed shower head, driving me wild
0:18:25 > 0:18:30# Can't find my crevices no matter how hard I tried
0:18:31 > 0:18:34- # I'm going to put my leg up... # - No, don't!
0:18:35 > 0:18:37- # Pull my junk to the side... # - Oh...!
0:18:39 > 0:18:41BILL PLAYS AN END NOTE
0:18:43 > 0:18:44Thank you.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Well, that was a big surprise, thank you very much.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Do you know what that might be? The Bathrooms Are Coming?
0:18:50 > 0:18:53- The Bathrooms Are Coming?- Written by a Broadway musical composer.
0:18:53 > 0:18:54But not for Broadway.
0:18:54 > 0:18:58- Was it a bathroom company? - A commercial or something?
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Yes. American Standard, they were called,
0:19:00 > 0:19:04and this was one of many, many, many industrial musicals,
0:19:04 > 0:19:07which had their heyday in between 1950 and 1980,
0:19:07 > 0:19:0930 years of exciting musicals
0:19:09 > 0:19:13for conventions of various companies and their salesmen, all over America.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16And they would write specialist musicals just for the salesmen,
0:19:16 > 0:19:19just for the conventioners, not for the members of the public.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22But they had big budgets and they were written by Broadway,
0:19:22 > 0:19:25serious Broadway composers, who hid their names, I think.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28- Yeah.- But that's an example of one, The Bathrooms Are Coming.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31An original musical, presented by American Standard, as you can see.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33The Sound of Selling.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36B F Goodrich's 1966 sales meeting musical.
0:19:36 > 0:19:37Isn't that exciting?
0:19:37 > 0:19:40- The Saga of the Dingbat. - The Saga of the Dingbat?
0:19:40 > 0:19:42- This is the weirdest thing I've ever seen.- Isn't it?
0:19:42 > 0:19:45- Truly astonishing.- Mental, innit? - These were huge.- What's going on?
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Well, when it started in the '50s, by about 1955,
0:19:48 > 0:19:51- America... - ..had gone mad.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53..made two-thirds of the world's goods.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Two-thirds of manufacturing industry in the world was American.
0:19:56 > 0:19:57Was this at the height of,
0:19:57 > 0:20:00"This week's show was brought to you by Lorimar cigarettes..."?
0:20:00 > 0:20:02- There was all that sponsorship going on...- Yeah.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05..on the Ed Sullivan Show and things like that, yeah.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07- So wait, hang on, if you want to hang on a second.- Excellent!
0:20:07 > 0:20:10# If you've a hankering for knowledge
0:20:10 > 0:20:12# But can't be arsed with college
0:20:12 > 0:20:17# Then this is the show for you. # Something like that, I don't know.
0:20:17 > 0:20:18Yeah. That's the one!
0:20:18 > 0:20:19That's the QI show. APPLAUSE
0:20:19 > 0:20:24# This really Quite Interesting show! #
0:20:24 > 0:20:27- Something like that. - Yes, The Quite Interesting Show.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29We've got our own musical. APPLAUSE
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Thank you, Bill.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36# Alan, Alan, Alan, Alan Alan, Alan, Alan, Alan
0:20:36 > 0:20:38# Alan, Alan, Alan, Alan I'm aghast! #
0:20:38 > 0:20:42- LAUGHTER - # And he's won! No, he's last. #
0:20:42 > 0:20:43You know.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46We could, we could do this, I don't know,
0:20:46 > 0:20:49- like funded by some kind of light bulb company...- Yeah.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52- LAUGHTER - ..and put it on ice.
0:20:52 > 0:20:53- Yes.- Yes!
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Don't need to skate properly -
0:20:55 > 0:20:58just skate out, deliver your lines and skate off.
0:20:59 > 0:21:03- QI on Ice.- On Ice. - Q Ice!- Just, just...
0:21:03 > 0:21:06Stephen, don't look at your cards, think about it just for a second.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09- Please! - Quite pleased with that - Q Ice.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12We've got reality shows filling arenas, QI on Ice.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14- Do you think that would work? - I think so.- No.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17I would... Wouldn't you pay to see yourself...?
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Would I pay to see myself on ice?
0:21:19 > 0:21:20- Skate out... - LAUGHTER
0:21:20 > 0:21:23- BILL:- In a horse costume! - In a horse costume!
0:21:23 > 0:21:26- No, I will not part with any money under any circumstances.- Come on!
0:21:26 > 0:21:27So...
0:21:29 > 0:21:32QI on Ice, just think about it, just overnight,
0:21:32 > 0:21:33don't write it off straight away.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36I'll put it on... on ice.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38LAUGHTER So...
0:21:38 > 0:21:39Here are some lines from musicals,
0:21:39 > 0:21:42in this golden era of the industrial musical, as it was called,
0:21:42 > 0:21:45and you have to tell me who the company was, really.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48- Go on.- "I can sell a wiener! My school..."- Sausages!
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Yes, wieners are sausages.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54- But it goes a little further, you see.- Oh, I see.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56"My school supplies are cleaner! I sell candy!"
0:21:56 > 0:21:59- So, OK, can sell a sausage and candy?- Wal-Mart.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02- Wal-Mart.- You're in the right area, it's a very well-known brand,
0:22:02 > 0:22:05sells things, from early in the morning to quite late at night.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08- 7-Eleven.- 7-Eleven is the right answer. That was a good clue!
0:22:08 > 0:22:11- Well, you know...- That was a bit of a hint, wasn't it? I was helping you.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15This one you won't necessarily know the name of the company, but it's,
0:22:15 > 0:22:19"Any cola tastes so much colier. Holy water is somewhat holier."
0:22:19 > 0:22:21- They weren't trying, really, then, were they?- No!
0:22:21 > 0:22:22LAUGHTER
0:22:22 > 0:22:25- Something that contains liquids. - Very much phoning it in!
0:22:25 > 0:22:28- It's the Scott paper cup company, that's what it is.- Oh, right.
0:22:28 > 0:22:29This one is weird, because it makes Mad Men
0:22:29 > 0:22:33look positively modern in its attitude towards women and bosses.
0:22:33 > 0:22:38"Though our boss never beats us, for that he'd never do
0:22:38 > 0:22:43"It always looks as though he does 'cause we are black and blue.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46"With ribbons! Ribbons! Ribbons! Ribbons!"
0:22:46 > 0:22:47Typewriters, typewriters, isn't it?
0:22:47 > 0:22:50- Monroe Calculators.- Oh!- Yeah.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53"I really enjoyed my appendectomy. Loved my hysterectomy."
0:22:53 > 0:22:55LAUGHTER
0:22:57 > 0:22:58- Um...- BUPA?
0:22:58 > 0:23:04- It's Surg-O-Pack, who are disposable surgical implements and so on.- Right.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08- Implying that you sort of did it yourself, really, sort of...- Yeah!
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Exactly. "I gave myself a lovely hysterectomy."
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Yes, I draw it on - how hard can it be? Yeah.
0:23:13 > 0:23:17Well, there you are. Industrial musicals were made to motivate.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Whose music do cats like best?
0:23:21 > 0:23:26Um, is he, that cat, listening to Purr-ple Rain perhaps?
0:23:26 > 0:23:28GROANING Purr-ple Rain!
0:23:28 > 0:23:31You've made a cat joke! I liked it. No, no, good.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33It looks like he's in Old Smokey,
0:23:33 > 0:23:36- he looks like he's in an electric chair being...- Oh!
0:23:36 > 0:23:38LAUGHTER
0:23:38 > 0:23:41Sparky, I think, rather than Smokey, wasn't it?
0:23:41 > 0:23:44They're electrocuting that cat. He's not listening to anything.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47- Is it jazz?- Is it...? No. Well, not jazz, actually.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Perhaps unsurprisingly,
0:23:49 > 0:23:53cats are not that interested in human music of any kind.
0:23:53 > 0:23:57- They're pretty much indifferent to it.- Really?- Yeah.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00But they do like music specially composed for them.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02- Do they like birdsong? - Cat music is...
0:24:02 > 0:24:06Well, it sounds like mouse and bird and indeed cat sounds.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08SOFT MUSIC PLAYS
0:24:10 > 0:24:13- These are cats enjoying themselves, are they?- Yeah.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16- Wow.- Not being tormented?
0:24:16 > 0:24:18No! No cats were tormented in the making of this sequence.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21- If you listen to the music... - It's quite lovely.
0:24:21 > 0:24:22PIANO TINKLING
0:24:22 > 0:24:26- It has slight calls and slight birds and purring things.- It's got hums.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Yeah, cat noises in it as well. MUSIC CONTINUES
0:24:29 > 0:24:33Yeah, but is it true that cats don't meow to other cats, only to humans?
0:24:33 > 0:24:34BIRDSONG ON MUSIC
0:24:34 > 0:24:36LAUGHTER
0:24:36 > 0:24:39- I don't know.- I'm being genuine! I was told this.- No, I'm fascinated!
0:24:39 > 0:24:41- I don't know.- I'll go along with that!- Yeah, yeah?
0:24:41 > 0:24:43I've had cats and then, you don't see them meow.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46- They just kind of hiss, they just grunt.- Yeah.
0:24:46 > 0:24:47Their body language says enough.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50- They hiss if they're fighting. - They go up very close to them
0:24:50 > 0:24:53and going, "Yeah, you get the food, I'll go out the back." Yeah.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56They're just whispering and hissing and all sorts of other noises.
0:24:56 > 0:24:57Yeah, but it's only with humans
0:24:57 > 0:25:00- that they go, "Meow."- Yeah. - "Meow."- You're right.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Younger cats are more receptive
0:25:02 > 0:25:04to that sort of music than middle-aged ones,
0:25:04 > 0:25:07and, some like it so much, they rub their faces against the speakers.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Aw! - They get very, very excited by it.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12- The same cat music composer... - Well, we've all done that!
0:25:12 > 0:25:15..is working with the Smithsonian National Zoo
0:25:15 > 0:25:20- on cotton-top tamarins...- Aw! - ..who like silence more than music.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22- How do they get the funding?- Yes!
0:25:22 > 0:25:23LAUGHTER
0:25:23 > 0:25:27But isn't...? Shouldn't there be a cut-off point where you're suddenly
0:25:27 > 0:25:30going, "Oh, the cat doesn't like my music, I'll change my music."
0:25:30 > 0:25:33And then, you go, "Well, the cat can't work my cooker."
0:25:33 > 0:25:35- I'll devise a cooker that the cat can use.- Yeah.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38And then, essentially, you end up living in the cat's house.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40LAUGHTER
0:25:40 > 0:25:43And you're sitting there on a bed of dead robins,
0:25:43 > 0:25:48wondering why they don't feature on Christmas cards any more.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52Isn't there a point where we should maintain the human/pet relationship?
0:25:52 > 0:25:55You're right, you've painted a nightmare scenario there.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58Well, I just don't know how big the roof will be.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01No! No none of us, none of us does. LAUGHTER
0:26:01 > 0:26:05- Um...- When you come home and you go through a flap,
0:26:05 > 0:26:06you know it's gone too far.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08LAUGHTER
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Anyway, cats prefer their own music
0:26:11 > 0:26:14to Atomic Kitten or Cat Stevens. JENNY LAUGHS
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Now time for a short interval. Who wants an ice cream?
0:26:17 > 0:26:20- Yes, please.- Me, me, pick me. - Oh, there we are. Yeah, go on.
0:26:20 > 0:26:21There, take a couple.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24- We've got some left over, of course.- Thank you very much. Wow!
0:26:24 > 0:26:28- There you go.- Johnny? - Oh, yes, please. Thank you, my love.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Chocolate, I've got chocolate, I don't really like chocolate.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33- I've got raisin, I don't like raisin.- Do you want to swap?- Yes.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35- No, I'd like vanilla, please.- Oh?
0:26:35 > 0:26:37- LAUGHTER - Do you like chocolate?
0:26:37 > 0:26:39- Do you want to swap?- Yes! - You can have another flavour.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42- I've got strawberry. - That'll do me!- All right.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44- Oh, you already had a bit!- Yes!
0:26:44 > 0:26:46LAUGHTER
0:26:46 > 0:26:49How else would I know I didn't like it!?
0:26:49 > 0:26:52- Well, do what I did - just sniff it and lick it.- Don't do that!
0:26:54 > 0:26:57- People who sniff... - Don't take a lump out!
0:26:57 > 0:27:01You must have very warm hands, cos this is already melted!
0:27:01 > 0:27:03I'm having a hot flush!
0:27:03 > 0:27:06- APPLAUSE - It's one of my super-powers!
0:27:06 > 0:27:08- Mine's turned into a slushy!- Yes!
0:27:08 > 0:27:11You're going to a dinner party and they've forgotten to get
0:27:11 > 0:27:13the ice cream out of the freezer, just hold it against my neck!
0:27:13 > 0:27:16- LAUGHTER - And it's spoon soft in seconds!
0:27:16 > 0:27:18- Well, there's barely any... - THEY BOTH SHOUT
0:27:18 > 0:27:21LAUGHTER DROWNS THEM OUT
0:27:21 > 0:27:23- Right...- I don't want to do this in front of Stephen.- No.
0:27:23 > 0:27:27But the next time we're having ice cream, just...
0:27:27 > 0:27:29LAUGHTER
0:27:29 > 0:27:33- Don't have her on my team!- Do you have any HRT-flavoured ice cream?
0:27:34 > 0:27:36- No, this is delicious. Thank you very much.- Good.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39This is what I think life will be like in a nursing home.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41LOUD LAUGHTER
0:27:41 > 0:27:43APPLAUSE Anyway...
0:27:43 > 0:27:44What flavour have you got?!
0:27:44 > 0:27:47- Bingo!- So what was the biggest nuisance
0:27:47 > 0:27:51- in the Victorian theatre? - I like peas! I had a fly in mine.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53- What was the biggest nuisance...? - I've got to tell this.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56What was the biggest nuisance in the Victorian theatre?
0:27:56 > 0:27:59- No...- What was the biggest nuisance in the Victorian theatre?
0:27:59 > 0:28:01- APPLAUSE - Please!
0:28:01 > 0:28:06SHOUTS: What was the biggest nuisance in the Victorian theatre?
0:28:06 > 0:28:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Yeah?
0:28:14 > 0:28:16Any thoughts?
0:28:16 > 0:28:17Ice-cream?
0:28:17 > 0:28:20- I, genuinely...- Don't worry, you don't need to press them.
0:28:20 > 0:28:23- Was it people interrupting? - That was one of them.
0:28:23 > 0:28:27Was it the infamous female flasher
0:28:27 > 0:28:31who'd invade a Victorian stage without her bloomers,
0:28:31 > 0:28:33and she was called Fanny by Gaslight.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36- Was it her?- It wasn't that, no.
0:28:36 > 0:28:38Was it things going wrong, like machinery?
0:28:38 > 0:28:41Well, those were all bad things, they are bad today,
0:28:41 > 0:28:44but what is actually still one of the worst things that can happen?
0:28:44 > 0:28:46- People eating sweets.- That's bad. - Was it a bulb breaking?
0:28:46 > 0:28:47If you're in the audience,
0:28:47 > 0:28:50what is one of the most annoying things for you, not just...
0:28:50 > 0:28:52Cholera.
0:28:52 > 0:28:54LAUGHTER
0:28:54 > 0:28:56Being stabbed in the neck by someone.
0:28:56 > 0:28:59You're stretching, Bill. It's good that you're thinking.
0:28:59 > 0:29:01TB.
0:29:01 > 0:29:03Rickets.
0:29:03 > 0:29:04LAUGHTER
0:29:04 > 0:29:07If you stayed in for a very long time. No, what it is...
0:29:07 > 0:29:10Let's imagine, for example, the Victoria Theatre, in London.
0:29:10 > 0:29:15- Yeah.- It had 2,200 people. When it came to the interval?
0:29:15 > 0:29:17- Oh, the lavatories?- The lavatories.
0:29:17 > 0:29:19- How many lavatories do you think it had?- Four.- Two.- One.
0:29:19 > 0:29:22- One lavatory. - One lavatory, 2,200 people.
0:29:22 > 0:29:27- This is an issue, isn't it? It's not good.- Nothing's changed.
0:29:27 > 0:29:30Well, things were even more problematic up north,
0:29:30 > 0:29:33certainly in the Theatre Royal in Newcastle, in the Victorian era,
0:29:33 > 0:29:38where they actually installed lead lining on the floor of the balcony
0:29:38 > 0:29:41because urine was dropping down on to the people in the stalls,
0:29:41 > 0:29:44because people just peed where they sat
0:29:44 > 0:29:46cos there was nowhere else to go.
0:29:46 > 0:29:48- GEORDIE ACCENT:- Lovely, lovely Geordies!
0:29:48 > 0:29:49LAUGHTER
0:29:49 > 0:29:52Now, now, careful, careful. Just be careful, that's all I'm saying.
0:29:52 > 0:29:56- Aye aye, we'll piss on't floor! - It's pretty grim. That was in 1837.
0:29:56 > 0:29:59That was a serious problem and it's still a problem today, is it not?
0:29:59 > 0:30:02- I think particularly for women? - Absolutely.
0:30:02 > 0:30:05- Sometimes you just have to invade the men's.- Yeah.
0:30:05 > 0:30:06We always hear of these Japanese funnels
0:30:06 > 0:30:10- that are supposed to allow women... - The Shewees.- ..yeah, to stand up,
0:30:10 > 0:30:12- but they haven't caught on. - I just go for the side swipe.- OK.
0:30:12 > 0:30:14LAUGHTER
0:30:14 > 0:30:18- Am I going to be able to picture this?- It's sort of a dance move...
0:30:18 > 0:30:21- and a relief.- Oh, yes.
0:30:21 > 0:30:23But I'm not going to demonstrate it now.
0:30:23 > 0:30:25This is a nice programme.
0:30:25 > 0:30:28But is not the male urinal, couldn't you not...
0:30:28 > 0:30:31I mean, is that usable as a lady?
0:30:31 > 0:30:37I can't see what is wrong with just going sort of like that.
0:30:37 > 0:30:39- A squat, like that.- Yeah.
0:30:39 > 0:30:42Or you could hold yourself up between two parked cars.
0:30:42 > 0:30:44LAUGHTER
0:30:44 > 0:30:45Yes.
0:30:45 > 0:30:48Not that I've ever done that!
0:30:48 > 0:30:53Weren't the girl guides taught to pee standing up, as a form of...
0:30:53 > 0:30:54Self-defence?
0:30:54 > 0:30:57LAUGHTER
0:30:57 > 0:31:00What changed then were intervals.
0:31:00 > 0:31:02Intervals came more or less in time to coincide with the desire
0:31:02 > 0:31:04of people to, you know...
0:31:04 > 0:31:06They had what they called the Broadway Bladder,
0:31:06 > 0:31:08which is supposedly 75 minutes,
0:31:08 > 0:31:13which is the maximum, averagely, that people can go without having a pee.
0:31:13 > 0:31:16And cinemas often had intermissions in our childhood.
0:31:16 > 0:31:18Do you remember any particular ones?
0:31:18 > 0:31:20- Zulu, I saw Zulu... - Zulu had an intermission.
0:31:20 > 0:31:23..and it was very frightening and there were masses of Zulus
0:31:23 > 0:31:25- coming over the hill, and then they had a break...- Yeah.
0:31:25 > 0:31:28- ..and when we came back, wasn't quite so frightening after that.- No.
0:31:28 > 0:31:30Well, the one I remember best was
0:31:30 > 0:31:33where there's a car going along some green towards a cliff
0:31:33 > 0:31:36and then suddenly they're going, "Argh!" as they go over the cliff,
0:31:36 > 0:31:39just going straight down and then it just goes - Intermission.
0:31:39 > 0:31:41And my brother and I were absolutely, just terrified,
0:31:41 > 0:31:44and we had our choc-ices and our Kia Ora orange drink,
0:31:44 > 0:31:47and all these other things, and came back, and then it picked it up from
0:31:47 > 0:31:50there again, the car goes down and then suddenly it flies.
0:31:50 > 0:31:54# Um Chitty, um Chitty, Chitty-Chitty Bang Bang, we love you. #
0:31:54 > 0:31:56And it was just the most heroic moment in all cinema
0:31:56 > 0:31:59and we went back again and again and again.
0:31:59 > 0:32:02- Nothing will ever recapture that moment.- No?- So wonderful.
0:32:02 > 0:32:04I was happy then, you know.
0:32:04 > 0:32:05LAUGHTER
0:32:05 > 0:32:07And now this. This!
0:32:07 > 0:32:11- Aah, that's a lovely story.- Thank you, yes.- And quite interesting.
0:32:11 > 0:32:13Yeah, well, we hope.
0:32:13 > 0:32:15Other films, The Godfather, Sound of Music,
0:32:15 > 0:32:17they all had intermissions too. Really big movies.
0:32:17 > 0:32:20Hitchcock said, "The length of a film should be directly related
0:32:20 > 0:32:22"to the endurance of the human bladder."
0:32:22 > 0:32:25- About seven minutes with me, then. - Oh, dear.
0:32:25 > 0:32:28Now, who's the worst person to sit next at a silent movie?
0:32:28 > 0:32:29ALAN BURPS
0:32:29 > 0:32:31Alan Davies.
0:32:31 > 0:32:34I rather bolted my ice-cream. I'm very sorry.
0:32:34 > 0:32:36You did, didn't you? Disgusting!
0:32:36 > 0:32:37STEPHEN TUTS
0:32:37 > 0:32:41- Alan, have you? Did you? Could you? - No, I just, I slightly belched.
0:32:41 > 0:32:44- Would it be someone telling you the plot?- Someone talking?
0:32:44 > 0:32:47- Telling the plot, yes, kind of. That is very annoying.- Yes.
0:32:47 > 0:32:50How were plots laid out in silent movies?
0:32:50 > 0:32:53- Obviously there was no dialogue as such.- Cards?- Cards.
0:32:53 > 0:32:56- Cards were showed.- Cards would come, these captions, which would...
0:32:56 > 0:32:59- Oh, reading out the captions. - Reading out the captions.- Memoing.
0:32:59 > 0:33:02The number one annoyance in the days of silent movies, apparently.
0:33:02 > 0:33:03There were various others.
0:33:03 > 0:33:06They were very concerned about how people should behave
0:33:06 > 0:33:07so they put out these things.
0:33:07 > 0:33:11And the cinemas themselves had these cards at the beginning, telling
0:33:11 > 0:33:15people, as you can see - "Loud talking and whistling not allowed."
0:33:15 > 0:33:17"Please applaud with hands only."
0:33:17 > 0:33:18LAUGHTER
0:33:18 > 0:33:21I suppose it means don't cat-call and don't, you know, stamp your feet.
0:33:21 > 0:33:24Or slap your buttocks together or something.
0:33:24 > 0:33:28And "Madam, how would you like to sit behind the hat you are wearing?"
0:33:28 > 0:33:30- That's another issue.- Yes.
0:33:30 > 0:33:32So people would actually go, "Look out!"
0:33:32 > 0:33:36- and would all shout, "Look out!" - Yes, probably, exactly. Annoying.
0:33:36 > 0:33:40- Yeah.- But then watching films in America is great, though,
0:33:40 > 0:33:42in New York particularly, because the whole crowd get involved,
0:33:42 > 0:33:44and they all shout.
0:33:44 > 0:33:47I went to see Lord of the Rings in New York.
0:33:47 > 0:33:50Just the best experience, cos in the fight scenes,
0:33:50 > 0:33:53people are shouting out, "Kick that Orc's ass!"
0:33:53 > 0:33:54LAUGHTER
0:33:54 > 0:33:57- "Go get it! Damn!" - It's true, they do.
0:33:57 > 0:33:59- "Damn you, that Orc!" - It's fantastic.
0:33:59 > 0:34:02Well, there are certain other bits of cinema etiquette which
0:34:02 > 0:34:04now are very common, which is
0:34:04 > 0:34:07if you happen to know how a film turns out, you're not
0:34:07 > 0:34:10supposed to tell anybody on social media, or at least if you do...
0:34:10 > 0:34:13- No spoilers.- ..and you blog or review, you put in capital letters?
0:34:13 > 0:34:15- Spoiler alert.- Spoiler alert.
0:34:15 > 0:34:18And yet, there's a thing called the Spoiler Paradox.
0:34:18 > 0:34:20- Do you know about this?- It's more fun if you know what's happening?
0:34:20 > 0:34:22It's more fun if you know.
0:34:22 > 0:34:24If you actually know how a film turns out,
0:34:24 > 0:34:27you are more likely to enjoy it, quite appreciably.
0:34:27 > 0:34:30The films I like the most are the ones where you've no expectation,
0:34:30 > 0:34:33you haven't been tainted in advance in any way
0:34:33 > 0:34:34and then it all unfolds before you.
0:34:34 > 0:34:39- I think I prefer that.- I forget anyway. People tell me stuff.
0:34:39 > 0:34:42Anyway, make sure you mind your manners at the movies.
0:34:42 > 0:34:47Now, Christmas comes and goes, but one thing that's never
0:34:47 > 0:34:50out of season is General Ignorance, so fingers on buzzers, please.
0:34:50 > 0:34:56It's a moonlit Christmas night in the city, and you can see just fine.
0:34:56 > 0:34:58But then the moon goes behind a cloud.
0:34:58 > 0:35:00What happens next?
0:35:00 > 0:35:02- BILL'S BUZZER:- 'Oh, no, it isn't!'
0:35:02 > 0:35:03You turn into a wolf.
0:35:03 > 0:35:05LAUGHTER
0:35:05 > 0:35:08- Wouldn't that be when the moon came out? Or maybe not.- Yes.
0:35:08 > 0:35:10Oh, yeah.
0:35:10 > 0:35:12That's right. That's why it's not working out for me.
0:35:12 > 0:35:16- The moon goes behind a cloud. JOHNNY'S BUZZER:- Oh, yes, it is!
0:35:16 > 0:35:17Does it actually become brighter?
0:35:17 > 0:35:20Yes. Very good. Spot on.
0:35:20 > 0:35:23APPLAUSE
0:35:23 > 0:35:27Extra extra points if you can tell me why?
0:35:27 > 0:35:29There's already light bouncing off the earth.
0:35:29 > 0:35:31Ah ah ah ah ah, yes.
0:35:31 > 0:35:33I mentioned we were in the city there.
0:35:33 > 0:35:35London is burning huge amounts of light.
0:35:35 > 0:35:38If the moon goes behind a cloud and the clouds are covering the sky,
0:35:38 > 0:35:43then the light bounces back from the clouds and it increases,
0:35:43 > 0:35:45it magnifies the light by a considerable amount.
0:35:45 > 0:35:49Whereas if it's a completely cloudless night, even with a bright
0:35:49 > 0:35:53big full moon, that's less light than you get in the reflection.
0:35:53 > 0:35:56And this has been found to be true even in the countryside.
0:35:56 > 0:35:58Ice-cream makes you intelligent!
0:35:58 > 0:36:00LAUGHTER
0:36:00 > 0:36:04The brightest area was in Schipliden in the Netherlands,
0:36:04 > 0:36:09where the sky was 10,000 times lighter than the darkest night sky.
0:36:09 > 0:36:12Tomatoes were grown there and the greenhouse lights were on.
0:36:12 > 0:36:15- Good lord. - Too incredible for words.
0:36:15 > 0:36:17Right, time for some Christmas music.
0:36:17 > 0:36:22What did the boys in the NYPD choir sing?
0:36:22 > 0:36:24- BILL'S BUZZER:- 'Oh, no, it isn't!'
0:36:24 > 0:36:25Galway Bay.
0:36:25 > 0:36:27KLAXON
0:36:27 > 0:36:29- D'oh!- Don't you know by now?
0:36:29 > 0:36:31Oh, I thought I'd take one for the team.
0:36:31 > 0:36:33Firstly they can't have done,
0:36:33 > 0:36:36because there is no NYPD choir at all.
0:36:36 > 0:36:39The NYPD people they brought in for the video were the pipe band
0:36:39 > 0:36:42in fact, of the New York Police Department.
0:36:42 > 0:36:44And we're talking about the Pogues' Shane MacGowan singing
0:36:44 > 0:36:47Fairytale of New York, the great Christmas single.
0:36:47 > 0:36:50- Yes, the greatest Christmas song. - Ever.- Brilliant, yeah.
0:36:50 > 0:36:52- It's a very thin competition now, isn't it, really?- Eh?
0:36:52 > 0:36:54It's pretty thin competition.
0:36:54 > 0:36:56Well, it's Mistletoe and Wine and that.
0:36:56 > 0:36:58LAUGHTER
0:36:58 > 0:37:00So the pipe band came in and they didn't know Galway Bay.
0:37:00 > 0:37:02- Right. - They were supposed to sing it.
0:37:02 > 0:37:06And so instead they sang the Mickey Mouse Club
0:37:06 > 0:37:08and it was slightly slowed down
0:37:08 > 0:37:11and it fitted to the words of Galway Bay, apparently,
0:37:11 > 0:37:13so you couldn't tell.
0:37:13 > 0:37:17But there are more points if you can tell me, Shane MacGowan's band,
0:37:17 > 0:37:18The Pogues, of course,
0:37:18 > 0:37:21- why is it called The Pogues and what does that mean?- Oh, I know this.
0:37:21 > 0:37:25Oh, we revised it. I knew it would come up!
0:37:25 > 0:37:27No, I DID once know this.
0:37:27 > 0:37:30Well, it's Pog mo thoin. That means "kiss my arse".
0:37:30 > 0:37:34- That's it. That's it.- Kiss my arse in Irish. Rather pleasing.
0:37:34 > 0:37:37I had one night out with him and my thumb has never been the same again.
0:37:37 > 0:37:39I can't bend it properly.
0:37:39 > 0:37:43I'm just picturing a night out with Johnny Vegas and Shane MacGowan.
0:37:43 > 0:37:46- That is something.- He was reading a book on architecture
0:37:46 > 0:37:49and I was just in a foul mood and we got drinking together.
0:37:49 > 0:37:54- Good times!- And I, yeah, I fell and I couldn't get up.
0:37:54 > 0:37:58I fell in a little gully and my head was trapped,
0:37:58 > 0:38:00so I just laid there for three hours going, "Help!"
0:38:00 > 0:38:01LAUGHTER
0:38:01 > 0:38:04And then I fell asleep after saying,
0:38:04 > 0:38:07"Some kind of neighbours you are," in my sleep.
0:38:07 > 0:38:10- Well, that's absolutely amazing. - Yeah.
0:38:10 > 0:38:14Now, on which bank holiday is it most likely to snow?
0:38:14 > 0:38:16Easter Monday.
0:38:16 > 0:38:18Is the right answer.
0:38:18 > 0:38:19No!!!
0:38:19 > 0:38:21APPLAUSE
0:38:21 > 0:38:23Yes! Come on!
0:38:23 > 0:38:25Very good.
0:38:25 > 0:38:28Bloody hell. I'm impressed.
0:38:28 > 0:38:30Absolutely.
0:38:30 > 0:38:33Statistically it is more likely to snow at an Easter bank holiday
0:38:33 > 0:38:35than it is over the Christmas, even though it moves.
0:38:35 > 0:38:37Well, the weather here is rubbish, isn't it?
0:38:37 > 0:38:40I was out with the old man on a hot June day
0:38:40 > 0:38:44and there were lots of people driving in their open-top cars
0:38:44 > 0:38:46down the King's Road, as they would.
0:38:46 > 0:38:49And the old man, who knows everything, said,
0:38:49 > 0:38:51"Do you know that there are only six days a year
0:38:51 > 0:38:54"where people with open-top sports cars could put their tops down."
0:38:54 > 0:38:57- Wow.- That made me feel better... - And that was one of them?- Yeah, yeah.
0:38:57 > 0:39:00There's so few good days in this country,
0:39:00 > 0:39:03and so that's why I thought it was quite likely to be on Easter Monday.
0:39:03 > 0:39:06That's true, cos we, as a nation, we, per capita,
0:39:06 > 0:39:11own more convertible cars than any other country in Europe.
0:39:11 > 0:39:13- No, that's so hopeful!- Durrr!
0:39:13 > 0:39:16- Optimistic.- Oh, bless us. - Driving with an umbrella, yeah.
0:39:16 > 0:39:22Yeah, December averaged 3.9 days of snow and March had 4.2.
0:39:22 > 0:39:25You are more likely to see a white Easter than a white Christmas.
0:39:25 > 0:39:29Can you give me a line from the world's first panto?
0:39:30 > 0:39:32Go on, go on...
0:39:32 > 0:39:34He's behind you.
0:39:34 > 0:39:35KLAXON
0:39:35 > 0:39:38- Yay!- Oh, you MADE me do that!
0:39:38 > 0:39:40- Why did you do that? - It's your buzzer, isn't it?
0:39:40 > 0:39:42She did so well on Easter Monday
0:39:42 > 0:39:45and you've just sabotaged it out of spite!
0:39:45 > 0:39:49Anyway, no, first pantoMIME, what were pantomimes originally?
0:39:49 > 0:39:53- Oh, silent.- They WERE silent. - They were mime.
0:39:53 > 0:39:54Yeah, unlike mimes, oddly enough.
0:39:54 > 0:39:58The pantomime was a character in a Roman play, who represented
0:39:58 > 0:40:01all kinds of mythological things and he never spoke.
0:40:01 > 0:40:03- Wow.- Terrifying.
0:40:03 > 0:40:05You'd be hard pressed to shift tickets for that, though,
0:40:05 > 0:40:07wouldn't you?
0:40:07 > 0:40:08LAUGHTER
0:40:08 > 0:40:12My God, look at that. That's an Ood and Lady GaGa.
0:40:12 > 0:40:16Well, isn't it Zoidberg from Futurama?
0:40:16 > 0:40:19Nothing screams "festive" like a shin-kicking contest
0:40:19 > 0:40:25between two people for whom life has gone very wrong.
0:40:25 > 0:40:28The first pantomimes were silent and only had one person in the cast.
0:40:28 > 0:40:31So let's take a look at the scores.
0:40:31 > 0:40:33Oh, my actual actual.
0:40:33 > 0:40:35In fourth place, a brilliant first appearance,
0:40:35 > 0:40:38and actually an incredibly high score by any QI standards.
0:40:38 > 0:40:41- On minus two it's Jenny Eclair! - Did quite well.
0:40:41 > 0:40:44APPLAUSE
0:40:47 > 0:40:50In third place, with minus one, Bill Bailey!
0:40:50 > 0:40:52APPLAUSE
0:40:52 > 0:40:55I still don't understand why.
0:40:56 > 0:40:59When two giants meet at Christmas, who can it be?
0:40:59 > 0:41:01Who's the winner, who's the winner here?
0:41:01 > 0:41:04In second place, with eight points, it's...
0:41:04 > 0:41:06Johnny Vegas!
0:41:06 > 0:41:09APPLAUSE
0:41:09 > 0:41:13Oh, my stars, the winner on 11 is Alan Davies!
0:41:13 > 0:41:15APPLAUSE
0:41:15 > 0:41:18QI JINGLE PLAYS
0:41:20 > 0:41:23So, that's all from Jenny, Johnny, Bill and Alan,
0:41:23 > 0:41:26but before we go, I have one more trick up my sleeve.
0:41:26 > 0:41:29Right, let's see.
0:41:29 > 0:41:33Now, here's the box in which I keep my luggage.
0:41:33 > 0:41:36There we go, like so.
0:41:36 > 0:41:38Let's see. That's...
0:41:39 > 0:41:44Now, in my luggage I keep a very Christmassy item.
0:41:44 > 0:41:48It's what everyone should keep in their luggage, really.
0:41:48 > 0:41:50It's a big surprise.
0:41:50 > 0:41:53APPLAUSE
0:41:53 > 0:41:56- Do you need a hand?- Thank you.
0:41:56 > 0:41:57There you go.
0:41:57 > 0:41:59Splendid.
0:41:59 > 0:42:02- Oh, hello, Scott?- I have a surprise for you, Stephen.- Oh, no.
0:42:02 > 0:42:06My name is Scott Penrose. I am the President of the Magic Circle,
0:42:06 > 0:42:08and if you're a member of the Magic Circle,
0:42:08 > 0:42:10you have to have taken a test.
0:42:10 > 0:42:13And throughout this series of QI, you've been doing various
0:42:13 > 0:42:16- magical experiments, so it's with a great deal of pleasure...- No!
0:42:16 > 0:42:19..to announce that Stephen Fry is now formally
0:42:19 > 0:42:21a member of The Magic Circle.
0:42:21 > 0:42:23Oh, my God! APPLAUSE
0:42:23 > 0:42:25MUSIC: Magic Moments by Perry Como
0:42:59 > 0:43:01Merry Christmas, everybody!
0:43:01 > 0:43:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE