0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:26 > 0:00:30APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:33 > 0:00:35good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:35 > 0:00:39and welcome to QI.
0:00:39 > 0:00:44Tonight...we are musing on the medieval and the macabre.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48Joining me in the Dark Ages are King of the Castle, David Mitchell!
0:00:48 > 0:00:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:52 > 0:00:55Queen of the May, Julia Zemiro!
0:00:55 > 0:00:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Lord of the Manor, Matt Lucas.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:03 > 0:01:06And a knight on the tiles, Alan Davies.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:11 > 0:01:16And their buzzers are all very much connected with middle age.
0:01:16 > 0:01:17David goes...
0:01:17 > 0:01:19MONKS CHANTING
0:01:19 > 0:01:21LAUGHTER
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Julia goes...
0:01:24 > 0:01:26MONKS CHANTING
0:01:28 > 0:01:30It's the Middle Ages, all right. Matt goes...
0:01:30 > 0:01:32MONKS CHANTING
0:01:35 > 0:01:36And Alan goes...
0:01:36 > 0:01:40Dear Sir, why, oh, why, oh, why must we always have endless monks
0:01:40 > 0:01:42chanting on the BBC?
0:01:42 > 0:01:44LAUGHTER
0:01:47 > 0:01:52Which of these did they not have in the Middle Ages?
0:01:52 > 0:01:54- Oh.- Swee... No.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56LAUGHTER
0:01:56 > 0:01:58- Iron maiden.- Well...
0:01:58 > 0:02:01- They didn't have Iron... - I am aware there is a group.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03LAUGHTER
0:02:03 > 0:02:06The most medieval thing seems that thing with the spikes that you put
0:02:06 > 0:02:09someone in. That'll be the thing they didn't actually have then.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12You are absolutely right!
0:02:12 > 0:02:14APPLAUSE
0:02:19 > 0:02:23The iron maiden, as you say, that sort of sarcophagus with spikes,
0:02:23 > 0:02:28they weren't even thought of, or imagined, until 1793.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32Oh, I was going to say, I thought they were invented by Paul Daniels or someone.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35The Spanish Inquisition, must be the Spanish Inquisition.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37They weren't used in the Spanish Inquisition
0:02:37 > 0:02:40because they weren't invented until 1793, which was...
0:02:40 > 0:02:42LAUGHTER
0:02:42 > 0:02:45My favourite one from the Spanish Inquisition...
0:02:45 > 0:02:48was they put a pole up your anus,
0:02:48 > 0:02:50and they do it in such a way that it
0:02:50 > 0:02:54avoids all of your vital organs and comes out by your shoulder.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56And then just leave you there for people to look at.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58LAUGHTER
0:02:58 > 0:03:00I like the first part of that.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02LAUGHTER
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Actual poles, not a Polish gentleman, it is
0:03:07 > 0:03:10- an actual pole. - LAUGHTER
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Less keen, less keen.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16- I thought an iron maiden was a chastity belt.- No.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19They call that a chastity belt.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21LAUGHTER
0:03:21 > 0:03:23So, they didn't ever exist?
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Well, in 1793,
0:03:25 > 0:03:29an archaeologist by the name of Johann Siebenkees gave an account of one, which was a hoax.
0:03:29 > 0:03:34And then 100 years or so later, a guy called Matthias Pfau, had one
0:03:34 > 0:03:38installed in Kyburg, his Swiss castle, as a visitor attraction.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41It became the prototype for all the other iron maidens that were
0:03:41 > 0:03:43used in museums and movies.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45So they hadn't really been used as a method of torture.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48No, that's what I mean. They were just a hoax for centuries.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50- IN COCKNEY ACCENT: - "Here's one for you. Here's one for you."
0:03:50 > 0:03:53- What a weird hoax. - LAUGHTER
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Actually, if you think about it,
0:03:55 > 0:03:57what they wanted to do in the Middle Ages is find a way of killing
0:03:57 > 0:04:00people as gradually as possible, which is essentially...
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Because it is going to kill them immediately,
0:04:02 > 0:04:05and you don't even get to see it happening.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08And they don't recant their heresy or whatever it is they were guilty of.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12Yeah, they hadn't invented Perspex until 1974.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14It would be a dead giveaway they weren't medieval
0:04:14 > 0:04:16if they had a Perspex front.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18LAUGHTER
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Made by the people who brought you stripper heels.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23LAUGHTER
0:04:23 > 0:04:26If we go back to my little manuscript word cloud,
0:04:26 > 0:04:29maybe the other ones didn't exist in medieval times.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31There wasn't much cardboard about.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33If there were greeting cards, they wouldn't have been...
0:04:33 > 0:04:37- Not big readers, either, not many people could read.- Exactly.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39But in fact, there were single sheet woodcuts
0:04:39 > 0:04:43found from the mid-15th century, with pictures on them,
0:04:43 > 0:04:46wishing the recipient a very good year, even.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48- It seems a rather modern idea. - Sorry...
0:04:48 > 0:04:51LAUGHTER
0:04:51 > 0:04:55But those banderoles with the little bubbles were very popular.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58And they would say things, not, "Sorry you've been unwell,"
0:04:58 > 0:05:00but things like, "A very good year." So they did exist.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04What else might have existed, or did exist, in that era?
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Sweet-and-sour sauce, definitely.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10Yes, they called it sour-sweet, in fact. Aigre-doux.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13And they used vinegar and sugar, cinnamon, orange, onions.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Whatever they could get their hands on.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Didn't they use onions to sweeten things?
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Onions do contain more sugar than sugar beets,
0:05:21 > 0:05:23as long as you cook them.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26- Hence the caramelised...you know. - They are a bit oniony, though, as well.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28LAUGHTER
0:05:28 > 0:05:29They can be sweet,
0:05:29 > 0:05:34but you wouldn't want too many puddings being that oniony.
0:05:34 > 0:05:38It's true, they're not that sweet. Because if you ever go to the freezer
0:05:38 > 0:05:41and you go for a Mini Milk, and you've left a bag of onion rings
0:05:41 > 0:05:44next to the Mini Milks in the freezer...
0:05:44 > 0:05:46LAUGHTER
0:05:46 > 0:05:49It doesn't taste too nice.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52The Mini Milks taste a bit oniony.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55IN AMERICAN ACCENT: What I do when I, you know,
0:05:55 > 0:05:59slow roast a belly of pork is I take
0:05:59 > 0:06:03an onion, a large onion,
0:06:03 > 0:06:07and the juices from the pork go down, and the onion roasts,
0:06:07 > 0:06:10and it is so sweet, it is... I swear you'll believe
0:06:10 > 0:06:14you're eating...a Haribo..Har...
0:06:14 > 0:06:16LAUGHTER
0:06:18 > 0:06:21- Haribo?- Are you possessed at the moment?
0:06:21 > 0:06:23LAUGHTER
0:06:24 > 0:06:27We'll find a medieval cure for it.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30During the Spanish Inquisition, they put a Mini Milk up your arse...
0:06:30 > 0:06:32LAUGHTER
0:06:34 > 0:06:37- What is a Mini Milk? - What is a Mini Milk?
0:06:37 > 0:06:38LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Oh, dear.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Is it one of those sweets that looks like a tiny bottle of milk?
0:06:46 > 0:06:49- No, it's an ice cream on a stick, basically.- It is basically...
0:06:49 > 0:06:52When you want a Magnum and your mum won't buy you a Magnum,
0:06:52 > 0:06:57- you get a Mini Milk.- And you keep those with onion rings?- No, I didn't!
0:06:57 > 0:06:58LAUGHTER
0:06:58 > 0:07:02I have separate shelves. You've got to keep sweet... Put me on camera.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05- You've got to keep... - LAUGHTER
0:07:05 > 0:07:07You've got to keep sweet and savoury separate in freezers,
0:07:07 > 0:07:09guys, come on!
0:07:09 > 0:07:11LAUGHTER
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Mini Milks are nice. They are like, I don't know, if you can't get a Sparkle,
0:07:14 > 0:07:18- get a Mini Milk, I don't know. - What's a Sparkle?- Oh, dear.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22- What's your ice cream of choice? - I used to like Mivvis when I was a boy.
0:07:23 > 0:07:28- That's the point! Now I'm an adult! - Right.- I eat olives.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30And I eat cheese.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32LAUGHTER
0:07:32 > 0:07:36- This has all gone very weird.- You started it.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39We are a long way... I want to live in the Middle Ages now,
0:07:39 > 0:07:42because they seem to have grown-up food.
0:07:42 > 0:07:43LAUGHTER
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Question from the floor, Mr Fry. What is a prefab?
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Oh, don't you have those in Australia?
0:07:48 > 0:07:52- I don't know.- It means a sort of modular building that is made outside
0:07:52 > 0:07:55the site and then brought to it and assembled.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58It is associated with low-cost housing.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01- The Duchess of Cambridge grew up in one.- Did she?
0:08:01 > 0:08:02No.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05LAUGHTER
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Because she grew up on an estate.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12I just like the fact that people think she was common as muck.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15- William the Conqueror had prefabs, didn't he?- Did he?
0:08:15 > 0:08:19Didn't they bring prefab castles over with...
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Not the Normandy landings, the other way round.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26The Hasting landings. They brought...
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Because all the plug sockets are different here,
0:08:28 > 0:08:30and they wanted their own...
0:08:30 > 0:08:31LAUGHTER
0:08:31 > 0:08:35An example of prefab housing that we have is the Vikings, in fact,
0:08:35 > 0:08:38who, when they invaded Orkney, found there was virtually nowhere to live,
0:08:38 > 0:08:44and so they came back with supplies, on longboats, of prefab little houses.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48And that's presumably where Vikings got the idea of flat-pack...
0:08:48 > 0:08:50LAUGHTER
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Have you noticed that the current Vikings have decided
0:08:55 > 0:08:59- it should be described as "ickier", not IKEA.- It is ridiculous.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02- As in, "more icky"?- "More icky", yes.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04There is a voice-over now that goes on about "ickier".
0:09:04 > 0:09:07- Strange.- Oh, they can fick off, then.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09LAUGHTER
0:09:09 > 0:09:11APPLAUSE
0:09:14 > 0:09:17That leaves us, I think, with official commemorative merchandise.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Would that be if you went to...
0:09:19 > 0:09:23They used to be very keen on seeing a rotting old bit of a saint.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Very much so. If you were medieval, there was
0:09:25 > 0:09:29one saint who was more or less contemporary, who was a martyr.
0:09:29 > 0:09:33And they would stop off at this cathedral where he was murdered,
0:09:33 > 0:09:37- famously. Who would that be?- Thomas Becket.- Thomas Becket.- Points!
0:09:37 > 0:09:42- Points!- Points! Solid points. In the 12th century, Thomas Becket was killed by Henry II.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44And they immediately tried to sell his blood,
0:09:44 > 0:09:48and that ran out rather quickly, so they diluted it.
0:09:48 > 0:09:53But also they sold little swords, little simulacra of the sword that
0:09:53 > 0:09:57had stabbed him, and you could buy one of those. And it was official.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00- It was, as it were, stamped.- It's still got a shop in the cathedral.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Exactly.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07The Middle Ages, in fact, featured lots of very useful inventions,
0:10:07 > 0:10:10but tell me, what has been called "the wickedest, silliest,
0:10:10 > 0:10:14"most insane and most disastrous book in world literature?"
0:10:14 > 0:10:16- The Liar by Stephen Fry.- Ah!
0:10:16 > 0:10:18LAUGHTER
0:10:18 > 0:10:20- It probably is.- Mein Kampf.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22That would be a very sensible guess.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25And in the interests of balance, The Da Vinci Code also.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28KLAXON
0:10:30 > 0:10:32APPLAUSE
0:10:35 > 0:10:36These self-help books.
0:10:36 > 0:10:37The books that say,
0:10:37 > 0:10:40"If you just change the way you think, you'll be fine."
0:10:40 > 0:10:43I mean, you know, everyone has got a mood board for something.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46So, maybe there was a medieval mood board of some kind.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48You're right to mention the medieval era,
0:10:48 > 0:10:52- because it was a book of the 15th century.- Foxe's Book Of Martyrs.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55No, that was a little later. But let me give you its title.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Malleus Maleficorum. MeleficARUM, I beg your pardon.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01That's the point. If you know your Latin, that means...
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Malleus, does it...? If you take the US off
0:11:03 > 0:11:07- and put a T...- Mallet.- Mallet. Hammer. Malleus is hammer.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Timmy Mallett's autobiography.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11LAUGHTER
0:11:11 > 0:11:15Sorry, I'm bringing the tone down, I know.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19Is it... Mal... Is that like "the bad-doing hammer" thing?
0:11:19 > 0:11:22It is "of the". That's genitive.
0:11:22 > 0:11:23Come on, boy, that's genitive.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25LAUGHTER
0:11:25 > 0:11:28So, it is "the hammer of...the bad-doing people."
0:11:28 > 0:11:31But the "arum", not "orum", tells you it's bad...
0:11:31 > 0:11:33- Doing women.- Yes.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35- Bad-doing women and their hammer! - No.
0:11:35 > 0:11:40The hammer of. I want to be the hammer of them. I want to beat them down.
0:11:40 > 0:11:45- The crazy Witches of Eastwick. - Witches.- Witches.- You said it. You said it. We got there.
0:11:45 > 0:11:49- We're supposed to hammer them? - The hammer of the witches is what that means.
0:11:49 > 0:11:53- So it's not... They don't own the hammer.- No.- We own the hammer and we hammer away at them.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56I am more confused than when I talked about Mini Milk. I...
0:11:56 > 0:11:59LAUGHTER
0:11:59 > 0:12:06We had a Latin parsing essay in which The Malleus Maleficarum turned out to mean The Hammer of Witches...
0:12:06 > 0:12:12- Wow.- ..the way to beat witches, and this was a textbook about how to destroy
0:12:12 > 0:12:17and find witches. It was strange because it was mid-15th century.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21In the mid-15th century, the Church banned belief in witches.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24So this wasn't a time of witch burnings or anything of the nature
0:12:24 > 0:12:29but the very nature of the success of the book meant that a slow
0:12:29 > 0:12:34movement grew in which witches should be found, burned and tortured.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38This book was therefore called the silliest, most wicked book written
0:12:38 > 0:12:42because it made appalling claims about women, that for example,
0:12:42 > 0:12:45- that they dispossessed men of their penises.- As if(!)
0:12:45 > 0:12:47LAUGHTER
0:12:47 > 0:12:51They would take their penises, put them on a tray and the penises would
0:12:51 > 0:12:56wander around of their own volition eating...eating oats and corn.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58LAUGHTER
0:12:58 > 0:13:01- Not maize corn. - With a simple pecking motion.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03LAUGHTER
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Or with a suction.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08- How would they do it? - There's a theory.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Do you know the theory about the witch's broomstick,
0:13:10 > 0:13:12about how it might have developed?
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Yeah, they put it up your anus...
0:13:14 > 0:13:16LAUGHTER
0:13:16 > 0:13:18It's funny you should say that
0:13:18 > 0:13:22- cos, yes, they put them up their anus.- What?
0:13:22 > 0:13:27You may say, why would a woman stick a broomstick up her botty?
0:13:27 > 0:13:31I'm so glad we're having this conversation.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33LAUGHTER
0:13:33 > 0:13:37But anyway, the point is there is a substance that has been accused,
0:13:37 > 0:13:41if you like, throughout history, of being behind a lot of episodes
0:13:41 > 0:13:44of mass hysteria and hallucination and so on
0:13:44 > 0:13:46and the substance is called ergot.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49- Have you heard of ergot?- No. Where can you get it?
0:13:49 > 0:13:52You can get it if you live near a field of rye.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Where rye grows. It is a fungus that grows on rye.
0:13:55 > 0:14:00Its spores can be breathed in and it is not unlike lysergic acid,
0:14:00 > 0:14:04which is the L of LSD, and it causes weird trips.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Now, with any drug there are different ways of ingesting it.
0:14:07 > 0:14:11- Intranasally, orally... - Or on a broomstick up your arse.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14..intravenously or in a suppository form.
0:14:14 > 0:14:18- Right.- So one way would be to take it and to grease up your...
0:14:18 > 0:14:20LAUGHTER
0:14:20 > 0:14:23- I'm not making this up. - Grease up your pole with ergot.
0:14:23 > 0:14:27Grease up your pole and scatter it with bits of ergot and then, "Whoo!"
0:14:27 > 0:14:29LAUGHTER
0:14:29 > 0:14:32And you only... You feel like you're flying.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35LAUGHTER
0:14:35 > 0:14:37That's basically it. You then get your...
0:14:37 > 0:14:40What does that mean? How much ergot are those kids at Hogwarts getting through?
0:14:40 > 0:14:43LAUGHTER
0:14:43 > 0:14:48- It's not appropriate to encourage that kind of drug taking in the young.- It isn't.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51And there is another theory that it was actually intra-vaginal
0:14:51 > 0:14:53- rather than intra-anal... JULIA:- Lovely(!)
0:14:53 > 0:14:56..so that it was covered on the broom and then it went smoothly up.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59I can't see anything smooth about this at all.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01LAUGHTER
0:15:01 > 0:15:03- I don't know. - Owww!
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Do you want to apply it, do you? Do that yourself?!
0:15:06 > 0:15:09You'd be a great gynaecologist, though, Stephen
0:15:09 > 0:15:12cos because you're very calm the way you're explaining everything.
0:15:12 > 0:15:13LAUGHTER
0:15:13 > 0:15:18Let's get more decent here. What did old Mummy Pettigrew do?
0:15:18 > 0:15:24- Wow.- Is there a clue in the picture? - No. The picture is there to deceive.
0:15:24 > 0:15:30- The key is in the M word, this being the M series.- Was she a Mother Superior of a nunnery?
0:15:30 > 0:15:34- No, she wasn't. - No.- Was she a Morrissey fan?
0:15:35 > 0:15:37- This could take a long time, couldn't it?- Yes, it could.
0:15:37 > 0:15:41- Madonna....- I'm assuming she wasn't a dead Egyptian.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Ah, no, SHE wasn't.
0:15:43 > 0:15:47- All right, Mummy Pettigrew - not female.- Oh, right.
0:15:47 > 0:15:53If I was very interested in beetles, you might call me Beetle Fry,
0:15:53 > 0:15:56and if I was very interested in mummies, you might call me Mummy Fry,
0:15:56 > 0:15:57so, Mummy Pettigrew...
0:15:57 > 0:16:00..was a Mr Pettigrew who was obsessed with Egyptology.
0:16:00 > 0:16:01- On the money.- Ah.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04And here you are, exactly, and there is a picture of him.
0:16:04 > 0:16:05He was quite well-known.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08He was Thomas "Mummy" Pettigrew.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10He was a 19th-century anatomist, and what he would do,
0:16:10 > 0:16:12he would issue invitations,
0:16:12 > 0:16:15cos this was a period in which mummies were coming into Britain
0:16:15 > 0:16:18from all over - mostly Egypt, obviously, but North Africa, too,
0:16:18 > 0:16:21and other places where mummification was what happened.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23- We went and robbed the world. - We robbed the world.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26It was a pretty awful kind of cultural violation that went on,
0:16:26 > 0:16:29- there, I'm afraid, but... - Not like the British to do that,
0:16:29 > 0:16:31- through history, is it? - Americans, too,
0:16:31 > 0:16:33- and it was...- French, also. - It was a big deal in America,
0:16:33 > 0:16:36- and France almost invented Egyptology.- All right, hang on.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Well, all the countries of Europe, essentially -
0:16:38 > 0:16:41the powers, as they were known in the 19th century -
0:16:41 > 0:16:44loved Egyptology, and these mummies would come in,
0:16:44 > 0:16:48and rather than unrolling them carefully in the British Museum,
0:16:48 > 0:16:51these were public events and Pettigrew was the chief of it.
0:16:51 > 0:16:55You would pay to see a mummy unrolled for the first time.
0:16:55 > 0:16:56You had no idea what you'd see inside.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00- That'd be amazing.- And there were hundreds of them coming in, yeah,
0:17:00 > 0:17:02and the more you paid, the closer to the mummy you got,
0:17:02 > 0:17:05- and some of them were so popular that...- People were betting.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07"Will it be a dead body? Will it be a robot?" You know.
0:17:07 > 0:17:12- Yeah, or someone going, "At last!" - Well...
0:17:12 > 0:17:15There was an Egyptologist called George Gliddon, who, in 1850,
0:17:15 > 0:17:18proudly unrolled, before his paying public, a princess.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21IN AMERICAN ACCENT: Cos he'd been able to read the hieroglyphs
0:17:21 > 0:17:23and tell that this was important - a princess.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27He unrolled the mummy and this huge, great todger poked out,
0:17:27 > 0:17:30so it was quite clear he wasn't exactly right.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33It was clear that he wasn't yet dead.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36And there was one occasion where the Archbishop of Canterbury was
0:17:36 > 0:17:38pushed out cos the press of people was so great
0:17:38 > 0:17:40that he couldn't even get a view.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42These were very popular events,
0:17:42 > 0:17:45and one of the greatest fans of them was the Duke of Hamilton,
0:17:45 > 0:17:46who loved these things.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48He became very obsessed,
0:17:48 > 0:17:52and asked Pettigrew that he might be mummified, himself, when he died.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Although he looks younger in that picture than Pettigrew, I suppose...
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Was that him with his wife?
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Well, anyway, when he died, he was duly mummified
0:18:02 > 0:18:05- by Thomas "Mummy" Pettigrew...- Yeah.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07..and they rather got the proportions wrong of the sarcophagus
0:18:07 > 0:18:09in which he was going to be placed as a mummy,
0:18:09 > 0:18:12and so they had to cut his feet off.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Did they put his feet in a little shoebox?
0:18:16 > 0:18:18- Yes, probably. - I'd like to be mummified.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20I mean, obviously,
0:18:20 > 0:18:22- once I'm dead, but I would... - Yeah, I was going to say.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24It'd be good, cos I'd look like the Michelin man,
0:18:24 > 0:18:26cos you know... It'd be nice. It'd be nice.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Let's see if we can guess where the northernmost mummies were found.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31That's not eccentrics like the Duke of Hamilton,
0:18:31 > 0:18:33who asked to be mummied,
0:18:33 > 0:18:37- but proper mummified creatures according...- Wigan.- Erm...
0:18:37 > 0:18:40No, a little further south than Wigan, but certainly north.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42- Kent.- No, north...
0:18:42 > 0:18:43Nottingham.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Ian McNeice. I think I'm right in saying Michael Parkinson.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49- Barnsley.- Barnsley is right. That's right, Barnsley.
0:18:49 > 0:18:54Now, why would there be found ancient mummies in Barnsley in 300AD?
0:18:54 > 0:18:57There was no room in the car park in Leicester.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Good.
0:18:59 > 0:19:03No, who was stationed and garrisoned in Britain?
0:19:03 > 0:19:05- Oh, was it Egyptian Romans? - The Romans?
0:19:05 > 0:19:08- North African, yes, who observed mummification...- Right, yeah.
0:19:08 > 0:19:09..and they are the furthest north
0:19:09 > 0:19:11- of any mummied remains. - They were in the Roman army?
0:19:11 > 0:19:13- Yes.- Stationed here?- Absolutely.
0:19:13 > 0:19:14They mummified folk?
0:19:14 > 0:19:17Either as conscripts, or, you know mercenaries, I don't know.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Were there, sort of, British legionaries in Egypt
0:19:20 > 0:19:22who played bagpipes?
0:19:22 > 0:19:23Maybe.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26So, we went all the way to Egypt and ransacked the pyramids
0:19:26 > 0:19:28and then we had some in Barnsley?
0:19:30 > 0:19:31It was a bit of a surprise.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35Can't ransack Yorkshire, though, can you? They won't have it.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Was it a certain class of people only that were mummified?
0:19:38 > 0:19:41- Was that the, like...?- No, actually, one of the most beautiful things
0:19:41 > 0:19:43you could see when you go up the Nile, if you do,
0:19:43 > 0:19:45is, there's the Valley of the Kings,
0:19:45 > 0:19:48but behind it is the Valley of the Artisans and Artists,
0:19:48 > 0:19:51and they're the most touchingly extraordinary ones because they were
0:19:51 > 0:19:55the artists and artisans who worked on the great tombs of the Pharaohs.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58I guess, if you had the art, you could do it yourself.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01- IN NORTHERN ACCENT: - Hilda, get to t'mummy.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05Enough. Mummy Pettigrew was very much a mummy's boy.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Now, for a mile-high question -
0:20:07 > 0:20:10how do you get a whole row of seats to yourself
0:20:10 > 0:20:13on a Virgin Airways flight?
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Oh, if you're really fat.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19That would... Yeah, I think they might be able to get rid of an arm...
0:20:19 > 0:20:21but I don't think they'd let you on if you were any fatter.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24- No, but, like, really fat. Oh, I see what you mean.- Die!
0:20:24 > 0:20:26- Is the right answer. You'd have to die.- Oh...- Die.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28We asked.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31APPLAUSE
0:20:31 > 0:20:35You can't... I mean, you can't make people sit next to the dead.
0:20:35 > 0:20:36That's... That's the truth, isn't it?
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Basically, I think that would be what it was,
0:20:38 > 0:20:41and if you're flying, say, from London to New York,
0:20:41 > 0:20:43if you're near enough, and someone dies,
0:20:43 > 0:20:46you'd turn around and all the other passengers would be going,
0:20:46 > 0:20:50"Oh, really! Please, have some consideration."
0:20:50 > 0:20:53But once you've passed that point of no return, as they call it,
0:20:53 > 0:20:56then there's nothing you can do, except go on to New York.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58But what if the plane's full?
0:20:58 > 0:21:00- Well...- Do they keep a row for the dead, just in case?
0:21:01 > 0:21:03And, in which case, if they keep a row for the dead,
0:21:03 > 0:21:06- what if two people die? - There's always a row at the back...
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Exactly, if there's an outbreak of sickness.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10- ..and the crew use it for having a kip.- Oh, that's true.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13- What it means is the crew will then have to be awake.- Yes.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15The dead bloke - that'll piss him off.
0:21:15 > 0:21:16Does it happen a lot, though?
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Oh, now, this is what's interesting.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21British Airways have about ten deaths a year in flight.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Well, that food is just...
0:21:24 > 0:21:27And amongst the 36 million passengers,
0:21:27 > 0:21:33so if you extrapolate out to the rather amazing 3.5 billion passengers
0:21:33 > 0:21:37that fly every year, that means there must be around 1,000 deaths a year,
0:21:37 > 0:21:40and different airlines have different ways of doing it.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Singapore Airlines have a corpse cupboard.
0:21:44 > 0:21:45I don't know why it's funny, but it is.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49- So no-one need even know there's a dead person.- "Oh, I'm sorry."
0:21:51 > 0:21:53- It's all so Fawlty Towers, isn't it? - Yeah.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55If I ever die on the plane,
0:21:55 > 0:21:58I should like to be stored in the overhead lockers.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02- For the rest of time.- Brilliant.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04British Airways, though, you get a good deal if you die,
0:22:04 > 0:22:06because you go to first class.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08- Yeah.- Excellent.- Yeah.- At last.
0:22:08 > 0:22:09One long established steward said,
0:22:09 > 0:22:12"Many years ago, we used to give them a vodka and tonic,
0:22:12 > 0:22:15"a Daily Mail and eyeshades, and tell the passengers they were fine.
0:22:15 > 0:22:19"We don't do that any more." Yeah, I think...
0:22:19 > 0:22:21It's bad enough being dead
0:22:21 > 0:22:24- but having to hold the Daily Mail?! - The Daily Mail!
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Oh, trash! APPLAUSE
0:22:31 > 0:22:35The Daily Mail and other newspapers, not just the Daily Mail,
0:22:35 > 0:22:38when they talk about their circulation,
0:22:38 > 0:22:41they are also including the newspapers that they give away
0:22:41 > 0:22:42- for free...- Oh, really?
0:22:42 > 0:22:45..and so I don't think the airlines or any of those
0:22:45 > 0:22:47kind of institutions actually pay for the newspapers.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49- Oh, really?- So it's mainly...
0:22:49 > 0:22:51- The Daily Mail is mainly dead people on aeroplanes.- Yes.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52But they are...
0:22:52 > 0:22:56The dead are very, very right-wing.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Oh, that is true.
0:22:58 > 0:22:59All right.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02When do you think - I'll give you five years either way -
0:23:02 > 0:23:04was the first airline stewardess?
0:23:04 > 0:23:07I think 200 years before the first aeroplane,
0:23:07 > 0:23:11and I think it was a weird pointless scheme by a futurologist,
0:23:11 > 0:23:16who just went up and down a field with a trolley,
0:23:16 > 0:23:18asking the cattle, "Drink, sir?"
0:23:20 > 0:23:22- 1962.- '62?
0:23:22 > 0:23:231958.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25- '58.- I'm going much earlier.
0:23:25 > 0:23:26I'm going to say 1924.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Ooh, you're so close.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30It's 1930.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32- There she is, Ellen Church.- Aw...
0:23:32 > 0:23:35The very first. She wanted to be a pilot but she wasn't allowed.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38She and her colleagues, who were all nurses,
0:23:38 > 0:23:40were known as "sky girls", in those early days.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42That was United, as you can see - United Airlines.
0:23:42 > 0:23:47Their duties included screwing down loose seats -
0:23:47 > 0:23:49not loo-seats, loose seats -
0:23:49 > 0:23:52- helping to fuel the plane...- Wow.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55..and pushing the plane into its hangar at the end of the journey.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59- All that and flogging the perfume, as well...- Yeah.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01..and the scratchcards,
0:24:01 > 0:24:05and going up and down with a bin liner saying, "Is that rubbish?"
0:24:05 > 0:24:07I don't think they sell scratchcards on aeroplanes.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Not on the ones you go on, Stephen, but, yes, they do.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13I would say a scra... a lottery card on an aeroplane,
0:24:13 > 0:24:16you do not want to sell something when your chances of winning
0:24:16 > 0:24:21are so much less than your chances of dying on that aeroplane.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23So, good, now,
0:24:23 > 0:24:27how would this man make your mouth water?
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Oh, old Captain Saliva.
0:24:31 > 0:24:32Is the stick relevant?
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Well... Hmm...
0:24:35 > 0:24:38- By making...- Hit you in the nuts with his walking stick.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41Maybe if I told you his name, it might help.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Hang on, now dogs have appeared - walking sticks and dogs.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46- His name was Ivan...- Doggie-stick.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48..Petrovich...
0:24:48 > 0:24:50- Pavlov, as someone shouted in the audience.- Pavlov.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53- Oh, Pavlov's dogs. - So how would he make drool appear?
0:24:53 > 0:24:54By ringing a bell.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Wrong! BELL RINGS
0:24:56 > 0:24:57You said it.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Thank you for saying it.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03- Aww.- Your fault, "Pavlov." - You see, it's so unfair.
0:25:03 > 0:25:07- You led me astray there. - Would he make a pavlova?
0:25:08 > 0:25:11- Did he invent that as well? - No, that was Anna Pavlova.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Anna Pavlova, yes, exactly.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15They'd feed the dogs and they'd do something, well,
0:25:15 > 0:25:17they'd ring a bell, wouldn't they?
0:25:17 > 0:25:19And then the dogs would think the food was coming
0:25:19 > 0:25:21and then they would get all excited.
0:25:21 > 0:25:26That is what we think of when we thought of Pavlov and his dogs.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28They were trained to recognise particular bells.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31When he rang the bell, they would start immediately to salivate
0:25:31 > 0:25:34because dogs salivate when they're about to eat because it helps
0:25:34 > 0:25:39them digest but the weird thing is, he did everything except ring bells.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41He did things that showed the extraordinary
0:25:41 > 0:25:43sophistication of dogs' hearing.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46They could distinguish between rhythms of
0:25:46 > 0:25:4896 and 104 beats per minute,
0:25:48 > 0:25:51so if he gave 104 beats per minute on a metronome,
0:25:51 > 0:25:54there would be no food, 96, there would be food.
0:25:54 > 0:25:58A day later he would go 96, they'd drool.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01He tried also ascending and descending musical scales.
0:26:01 > 0:26:02If a scale was going up,
0:26:02 > 0:26:05they're going to eat, it was going down, they weren't going to eat.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08All that and he could've just rung a bell.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Followers of Pavlov used bells but he didn't.
0:26:11 > 0:26:15Is this a sort of victory of the journalist who reported it?
0:26:15 > 0:26:18"It's like he rang a bell?" "No, no, there's a metronome."
0:26:20 > 0:26:22"You know, basically he rang a bell."
0:26:22 > 0:26:24And then they just reported it as a bell.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26But do you want to know the weird thing?
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Yes, I do, I want to know the weird thing.
0:26:28 > 0:26:33In 1904, he became the first ever Russian to win...
0:26:33 > 0:26:36the NO-BELL prize.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38GROANS
0:26:38 > 0:26:40APPLAUSE
0:26:42 > 0:26:45I've always wondered why it was called that.
0:26:45 > 0:26:49He became a Nobel laureate for his contribution to medicine,
0:26:49 > 0:26:51particularly to digestion and so on.
0:26:51 > 0:26:55And he decided to sell gastric juices of dogs
0:26:55 > 0:26:57and I suppose his name was helpful.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59And he felt that these would help people as
0:26:59 > 0:27:01a digestive cure of some kind.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04So you would drink the gastric juice of a dog to help your own
0:27:04 > 0:27:05gastric business?
0:27:05 > 0:27:10He would stick a catheter in a poor dog, up into its tummy to milk it
0:27:10 > 0:27:13of its gastric juices and, yeah, he sold them.
0:27:13 > 0:27:17We've got a picture of a dog giving his all here.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19GROANS
0:27:19 > 0:27:20It's only a drawing!
0:27:23 > 0:27:25So, if you think Pavlov rings a bell, you're barking.
0:27:25 > 0:27:30Now, Matt, what's dense, slimy, lives at the bottom of the sea
0:27:30 > 0:27:32- and is called...? - David Walliams.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34LAUGHTER
0:27:34 > 0:27:37APPLAUSE
0:27:42 > 0:27:46He's a very strong swimmer, isn't he?
0:27:46 > 0:27:48Oh, dear.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51Matt, what's dense, slimy, lives at the bottom of the sea
0:27:51 > 0:27:53and is called Matt?
0:27:53 > 0:27:54- David Walliams.- Wa-hey!
0:27:56 > 0:27:59And called Matt? Is it just a mat?
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Oh, yes.
0:28:01 > 0:28:05- Yes.- It's a mat.- So I AM clever.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08Is it some kind of sea vegetable?
0:28:08 > 0:28:13It's...it's...it's sea life, sea matter that's cohered.
0:28:13 > 0:28:14- Algae.- How big would it be, the mat?
0:28:14 > 0:28:17Huge, huge, hundreds of thousands of square miles.
0:28:17 > 0:28:21Certainly the biggest we know of, it's about the size of Greece.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23- There you are, you see. - You see. You ARE clever.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26It's not in Greece or near Greece, it's off the coast of Peru and Chile.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29Oh, look at David Walliams.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33Stop it!
0:28:33 > 0:28:35No, don't stop, carry on.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38It's microbial. It's a whole load of microbes.
0:28:38 > 0:28:42So many of them that they can create this matter that's thick and...
0:28:42 > 0:28:45- Mat matter. - Mat matter, exactly.
0:28:45 > 0:28:49Don't say anything bad about them because we owe the photosynthesis
0:28:49 > 0:28:53and the oxygen-rich nature of our own atmosphere to these.
0:28:53 > 0:28:54We couldn't live without them.
0:28:54 > 0:28:57I've been served that in a motorway service station.
0:28:58 > 0:29:02They eat hydrogen and they breathe nitrates.
0:29:02 > 0:29:05And they live in streams and lakes as well as the ocean.
0:29:05 > 0:29:07They're very, very exciting and here,
0:29:07 > 0:29:10I know you like wonderful information,
0:29:10 > 0:29:13the total weight of microbes in the ocean is equivalent
0:29:13 > 0:29:18to 240 billion African elephants.
0:29:18 > 0:29:20AUDIENCE MEMBER SQUEALS
0:29:20 > 0:29:23LAUGHTER
0:29:23 > 0:29:26The good thing about that is that really helps me visualise that.
0:29:26 > 0:29:29- That was very, very helpful. - Let me help you more, then.
0:29:29 > 0:29:3335 elephants made of microbes for everyone on the planet.
0:29:33 > 0:29:37So each of us have got 35 elephants made of microbes surrounding us now.
0:29:37 > 0:29:40- We're rich! - 35, that's a lot of elephants.
0:29:40 > 0:29:44The time has come to rule out lifting all that in one go.
0:29:44 > 0:29:46Right.
0:29:46 > 0:29:48You learn a lot on this show,
0:29:48 > 0:29:53I never knew that the ocean was made up of 35,000 billion elephants.
0:29:53 > 0:29:55I've really been educated.
0:29:55 > 0:29:57No wonder elephants are endangered
0:29:57 > 0:30:01when you think of the number who have been drowned.
0:30:01 > 0:30:03To create a mat at the bottom of the sea.
0:30:03 > 0:30:08That's probably why the trunks... They were trying to evolve snorkels.
0:30:08 > 0:30:10LAUGHTER
0:30:10 > 0:30:13APPLAUSE
0:30:16 > 0:30:17Oh, dear.
0:30:17 > 0:30:21I can see that I've not really explained myself very well.
0:30:21 > 0:30:22And now for something slightly mucky.
0:30:22 > 0:30:27Alan, have you ever had your dirt hole burgled without your knowledge?
0:30:27 > 0:30:29LAUGHTER
0:30:35 > 0:30:38Do you know what? I'm not going to answer that.
0:30:38 > 0:30:39Fair enough.
0:30:39 > 0:30:43I'm actually writing to Points Of View now in this book.
0:30:44 > 0:30:49It's a question to do with the macabre side of human life, muck.
0:30:49 > 0:30:54Oh, is this something like, in some context, excrement has a value?
0:30:54 > 0:30:56Yes, where there's muck...
0:30:56 > 0:30:58Yes, they need it for fertiliser or whatever
0:30:58 > 0:31:01and so people would sell their, erm, you know, their shit.
0:31:01 > 0:31:03So obviously other people would steal it.
0:31:03 > 0:31:05Which gave it a value, and if something has a value,
0:31:05 > 0:31:07there will always be some who wish to steal it.
0:31:07 > 0:31:09Is this in medieval times or now?
0:31:09 > 0:31:12No, actually, it's not medieval, it's 18th and 19th century.
0:31:12 > 0:31:15- I think the question is flawed. - How so?
0:31:15 > 0:31:18Because if I'd have had my dirt hole burgled without my knowledge,
0:31:18 > 0:31:20I wouldn't know about it, would I?
0:31:23 > 0:31:26Touche. You're absolutely right.
0:31:26 > 0:31:29- So I don't know. - Is the right answer.- Possibly.
0:31:29 > 0:31:30"Possibly." Yup.
0:31:30 > 0:31:34So people kept their rubbish in holes that could be collected.
0:31:34 > 0:31:35It was a bin collection.
0:31:35 > 0:31:38The dustman and the dustcart were actually often collecting
0:31:38 > 0:31:42dust as well because it was simply dirt that people had swept up
0:31:42 > 0:31:45and poured into a little hole or into a bucket in a hole,
0:31:45 > 0:31:47the dirt hole, because everything was recycled.
0:31:47 > 0:31:50Even family pets, when they died, had a value.
0:31:50 > 0:31:54White cat, sixpence, multicoloured cat, fourpence.
0:31:54 > 0:31:57In those days, the Flying Dustmen, as they were called,
0:31:57 > 0:31:59the people who came to collect it,
0:31:59 > 0:32:03they were paid to get it rather than you paying rates to have it removed.
0:32:03 > 0:32:05There was hardware and software.
0:32:05 > 0:32:07Software would be things like a dead cat
0:32:07 > 0:32:10and the hardware was broken crockery, oyster shells, things like that,
0:32:10 > 0:32:12which road builders could use.
0:32:12 > 0:32:14Anyway, from muck to mugshots.
0:32:14 > 0:32:19What heinous crime was committed by Baby-Face Bertillon?
0:32:19 > 0:32:22He stole the faces of babies.
0:32:23 > 0:32:25And then wore them himself.
0:32:26 > 0:32:29I don't know if you're a Sherlock Holmes buff.
0:32:29 > 0:32:31- I...- I'm quite buff but...
0:32:31 > 0:32:33no, not so much with Sherlock Holmes.
0:32:33 > 0:32:36Sherlock Holmes talks about the Bertillon system at one point.
0:32:36 > 0:32:38It was a famous system.
0:32:39 > 0:32:42And it did involve, really, what you're looking at.
0:32:42 > 0:32:45- Mugshots. - Mugshots is the right answer!
0:32:45 > 0:32:49So Bertillon took a photograph of his young son,
0:32:49 > 0:32:51hence the Baby-Face Bertillon.
0:32:51 > 0:32:54And what he did there was he exhibited his technique,
0:32:54 > 0:32:58which may seem obvious to us but what are we looking at?
0:32:58 > 0:33:01Taking a front and profile.
0:33:01 > 0:33:05He realised that ears were very, very good ways of identifying people,
0:33:05 > 0:33:07and so you couldn't just have a full-on
0:33:07 > 0:33:09but a side view is very important.
0:33:09 > 0:33:12And, over the years, the French police
0:33:12 > 0:33:17and the British got huge collections of pictures of criminals.
0:33:17 > 0:33:20And these became the rogues' galleries,
0:33:20 > 0:33:21the mugshots that are famous
0:33:21 > 0:33:24in films and TV shows where some witness says,
0:33:24 > 0:33:26"Oh, I'd know him if I saw him."
0:33:26 > 0:33:28"Hey, show him, show him the mugshots."
0:33:28 > 0:33:31You know. And the witness would go through the book
0:33:31 > 0:33:35and each book would be... LAUGHTER
0:33:35 > 0:33:38That was days after I'd had my dirt hole burgled.
0:33:38 > 0:33:40LAUGHTER
0:33:40 > 0:33:42Was it by Hugh Grant above you?
0:33:43 > 0:33:46Hugh Grant's trying to look cross there.
0:33:46 > 0:33:50And the crime that Bertillon's son had committed was nibbling all
0:33:50 > 0:33:52the pears in a basket.
0:33:54 > 0:33:57Trying one and putting it back. Yeah. My little boy does that.
0:33:57 > 0:34:00- It drives me mad.- Which, to a Frenchman, is a grave sin.
0:34:00 > 0:34:01Sorry, is it a euphemism?
0:34:01 > 0:34:04Maybe it's a euphemism, have I missed something?
0:34:04 > 0:34:08"I admit I nibbled all the pears in the basket.
0:34:08 > 0:34:10"And she bloody loved it."
0:34:12 > 0:34:15That's terrible. Anyway, yes.
0:34:15 > 0:34:19Francois Bertillon was the notorious Paris pear nibbler.
0:34:19 > 0:34:22And talking of delicious things to eat, one last medieval question.
0:34:22 > 0:34:26How many uses can you think of for a monk's earwax?
0:34:27 > 0:34:30- Oh, it's endless. Candles. - Candles, yeah.
0:34:30 > 0:34:32- JULIA:- Polishing wood. - They might have done.
0:34:32 > 0:34:34- DAVID:- That definitely sounds like a euphemism.
0:34:34 > 0:34:37Yeah.
0:34:37 > 0:34:38I meant it...
0:34:38 > 0:34:41- DAVID:- There's not much else to do in a monastery, is there?
0:34:41 > 0:34:42Polishing their own wood.
0:34:42 > 0:34:44What have monks handed down to us mostly?
0:34:44 > 0:34:46- Bibles.- Bibles and manuscripts, illustrated...
0:34:46 > 0:34:49Spent their lifetime writing, copying them out.
0:34:49 > 0:34:51- Doing lines, basically.- Yes.
0:34:51 > 0:34:54There we are, there's a picture of a happy monk doing his illuminations.
0:34:54 > 0:34:56And that side of it, the painty side of it,
0:34:56 > 0:35:00they used a substance called glair - G-L-A-I-R -
0:35:00 > 0:35:07and it tended to get bubbled but they found if they added earwax to it,
0:35:07 > 0:35:10they could get a really smooth, beautiful lustre and sheen
0:35:10 > 0:35:12to the illustrations they were doing,
0:35:12 > 0:35:14which have lasted us down the centuries.
0:35:14 > 0:35:17How do you think of that, though? To go, "Hmm, there it is."
0:35:17 > 0:35:22A thing you might try at home is you could take a pint of foaming beer
0:35:22 > 0:35:27and then pop earwax into the head of your foaming tankard
0:35:27 > 0:35:30and the bubbles should collapse.
0:35:30 > 0:35:32If you're watching TV, don't listen to this man.
0:35:36 > 0:35:38I think you're right.
0:35:38 > 0:35:40It would be better if it was the other way round.
0:35:40 > 0:35:43You had a flat liquid and then you put a bit of earwax in it
0:35:43 > 0:35:45and then it went, fzzeee!
0:35:45 > 0:35:48Chuck some sodium in your beer. That should do it.
0:35:48 > 0:35:50And which orifice does sodium come out of?
0:35:52 > 0:35:56They left other little things for us, little maniculae, little hands
0:35:56 > 0:35:59that pointed to certain sections of the text in the Bible.
0:35:59 > 0:36:01You can see one on the left there.
0:36:01 > 0:36:02Well, if you've read The Name Of The Rose,
0:36:02 > 0:36:04they left clues everywhere, all sorts.
0:36:04 > 0:36:07Yeah. And octopuses as well, you can see an octopus at the top there.
0:36:07 > 0:36:09They, for some reason, liked octopuses.
0:36:09 > 0:36:13Is that a person with a huge sort of trumpet up his bottom?
0:36:13 > 0:36:15- It's something odd, isn't it?- Yeah, it is.
0:36:15 > 0:36:18I don't know what they're doing there. They're praising the Lord.
0:36:18 > 0:36:22ALAN MIMICS A TRUMPET
0:36:22 > 0:36:25- It's so boring in those monasteries.- Exactly.
0:36:25 > 0:36:27The old fart trumpet was the favourite...
0:36:28 > 0:36:32I was going to say on a Sunday but perhaps not.
0:36:32 > 0:36:34HE MIMICS A FART TRUMPET
0:36:34 > 0:36:36"Dinner!"
0:36:37 > 0:36:41They used to leave little remarks like, "Oh, God, it's cold in here,"
0:36:41 > 0:36:42or, "I'm so bored."
0:36:42 > 0:36:45Round the Bible. Just like schoolkids on their desks.
0:36:45 > 0:36:46Exactly like that.
0:36:46 > 0:36:48So why are they fighting snails?
0:36:48 > 0:36:53No-one is quite sure. But it's a common feature - knights vs snails.
0:36:53 > 0:36:55They seemed to like...
0:36:55 > 0:36:57Some people may think it was a symbol of the struggle of the poor
0:36:57 > 0:36:59against the aristocracy.
0:36:59 > 0:37:02I think people shouldn't watch this show any more.
0:37:03 > 0:37:06Do you think they had loads of snails in these cold,
0:37:06 > 0:37:09damp monasteries and there were snails everywhere
0:37:09 > 0:37:11and they were hoping a gallant knight would come
0:37:11 > 0:37:14and help them deal with the snail infestation problem?
0:37:14 > 0:37:16Possibly! STEPHEN LAUGHS GASPINGLY
0:37:16 > 0:37:19Which means it's time... LAUGHTER
0:37:19 > 0:37:22..to place various intimate parts of you into the thumbscrew
0:37:22 > 0:37:25of general ignorance. Fingers on buzzers, please.
0:37:25 > 0:37:29Where are most missionaries positioned?
0:37:30 > 0:37:33MATT'S BUZZER
0:37:33 > 0:37:37I'm going to guess that most of them are in Utah where
0:37:37 > 0:37:40the Mormons tend to kind of congregate
0:37:40 > 0:37:44because they haven't yet been assigned their places to go to.
0:37:44 > 0:37:47Interesting, interesting answer but I'm
0:37:47 > 0:37:50talking about which is the country that receives the most incoming?
0:37:50 > 0:37:53- DAVID'S BUZZER - Well, I'm not talking about that.
0:37:53 > 0:37:54LAUGHTER
0:37:54 > 0:37:57I'm talking about them before they've gone.
0:37:57 > 0:38:00So I'm not asking you where the most missionaries come FROM, I'm asking...
0:38:00 > 0:38:02I know but...
0:38:02 > 0:38:05I'm trying to get a point.
0:38:05 > 0:38:08By you answering the question that I haven't asked.
0:38:08 > 0:38:11My guess is China.
0:38:11 > 0:38:13Ah, it's a possibility. I mean, it's not...
0:38:13 > 0:38:15Well, it IS a possibility but it's not a fact.
0:38:15 > 0:38:18- Is it in Africa?- It's not Africa. - Is it England?- No.
0:38:18 > 0:38:21- JULIA:- Is it South America? - England is much, much closer.
0:38:21 > 0:38:23- South America. - Not South America, not SOUTH America.
0:38:23 > 0:38:26- Central.- Not Central... - North America.- North America!
0:38:26 > 0:38:29- America, United States.- Well, I think you'll find Utah is in America.
0:38:29 > 0:38:32APPLAUSE
0:38:36 > 0:38:39But I specifically said, "Where are the most
0:38:39 > 0:38:42"missionaries who've come from outside one country?"
0:38:42 > 0:38:45- I know, but I didn't choose to answer that.- Argh!
0:38:45 > 0:38:48I've got to give you points, you deserve them for sheer tenacity.
0:38:48 > 0:38:50The fact is, we don't quite know why missionaries...
0:38:50 > 0:38:53Some think they just want to go to a very rich country,
0:38:53 > 0:38:57others think these missionaries believe America has lapsed into sin.
0:38:57 > 0:39:00You're absolutely right in one way, certainly, which is
0:39:00 > 0:39:02that America produces the most missionaries.
0:39:02 > 0:39:05I've gone, I'm passed it.
0:39:05 > 0:39:06For me, it's gone.
0:39:06 > 0:39:0832,400 missionaries went to
0:39:08 > 0:39:10- the USA from other nations. - No, not interested.
0:39:10 > 0:39:15- Whereas 127,000 go out of the US. - No, it's too late, too little too late.
0:39:16 > 0:39:19- And I think he's a Mormon. - No, we're not looking.
0:39:22 > 0:39:25In 2003...
0:39:25 > 0:39:28ALAN CHUCKLES
0:39:28 > 0:39:30..in 2003 the residents of a Fijian village...
0:39:30 > 0:39:32- Don't listen to him. - ..apologised...
0:39:32 > 0:39:33LAUGHTER
0:39:33 > 0:39:37..apologised to the family of an English missionary who had,
0:39:37 > 0:39:41in 1867, been eaten by their ancestors.
0:39:41 > 0:39:44Well, again, too little too late.
0:39:45 > 0:39:47It's not known why the missionary was killed.
0:39:47 > 0:39:50Because he looked bloody tasty, I should expect.
0:39:50 > 0:39:51SAME AUDIENCE MEMBER SQUEALS
0:39:51 > 0:39:56The villagers said that they had been suffering bad luck ever since eating
0:39:56 > 0:39:59the missionary and hoped it would change their fortunes to apologise.
0:39:59 > 0:40:02A year later, there was an earthquake.
0:40:02 > 0:40:04Maybe they should have...
0:40:04 > 0:40:08I wouldn't apologise for anyone my ancestors had eaten.
0:40:08 > 0:40:11- I don't think it's my fault. - No, exactly.
0:40:11 > 0:40:13And I wouldn't expect a descendant of mine
0:40:13 > 0:40:16to apologise for anything I'd eaten, either.
0:40:16 > 0:40:19I think what you eat, it's you to apologise, no-one else.
0:40:19 > 0:40:22Ridiculous for having pan-generational responsibility
0:40:22 > 0:40:25for ancestors' diets.
0:40:26 > 0:40:29But they thought it brought them bad luck, they were superstitious.
0:40:29 > 0:40:32So they weren't really sorry at all.
0:40:32 > 0:40:34If they thought it would bring them good luck,
0:40:34 > 0:40:37they'd probably eat another one.
0:40:37 > 0:40:41OK, more missionaries go to the United States than anywhere else.
0:40:41 > 0:40:44Do an impression of someone in the stocks.
0:40:44 > 0:40:45"Fuck off, fuck off!"
0:40:48 > 0:40:50It's like that, isn't it?
0:40:50 > 0:40:53- Ah-ha! Points to Mitchell. Yes, absolutely.- That the pillory.
0:40:53 > 0:40:56That's a pillory or fuse, as they were also known.
0:40:56 > 0:41:00- That's stocks. - Oh, stocks are feet, are they?
0:41:00 > 0:41:02I'm into public shaming, though.
0:41:02 > 0:41:04If you've done something bad people can go,
0:41:04 > 0:41:05"Oh, don't do it again," and then you go,
0:41:05 > 0:41:08"Oh, that was awful, I won't have friends if I do this again."
0:41:08 > 0:41:11And then you go back into society. I don't think it's so bad.
0:41:11 > 0:41:13You're very right. They could be quite forgiving.
0:41:13 > 0:41:16Sometimes people had flowers thrown at them.
0:41:16 > 0:41:17Daniel Defoe, when he was in the stocks
0:41:17 > 0:41:20because he defended the church, people threw flowers at him.
0:41:20 > 0:41:22Those aren't stocks, so...
0:41:23 > 0:41:25No, he wasn't in the stocks there,
0:41:25 > 0:41:27he was pilloried, I think is the safest way to...
0:41:27 > 0:41:30People threw horrible things at you, big heavy things,
0:41:30 > 0:41:33- and actually you could die. - Yeah, no, absolutely.
0:41:33 > 0:41:36Some people took great lengths to protect themselves as a result.
0:41:36 > 0:41:39There was a gentleman here, Charles Hitchen, who was convicted
0:41:39 > 0:41:43of attempted sodomy and he went into the stocks wearing a suit of armour.
0:41:45 > 0:41:47What happened to successful ones,
0:41:47 > 0:41:50ones that managed to bring it off, as it were?
0:41:54 > 0:41:57Presumably you have to pay a lot for that when you were in the stocks.
0:41:57 > 0:42:01The stocks weren't for your head and arms, just for your legs.
0:42:01 > 0:42:02And, with that,
0:42:02 > 0:42:06our mosey through the medieval macabre must come to an end.
0:42:06 > 0:42:09We have scores. Mercy, mercy me.
0:42:10 > 0:42:15Well, in joint first position, with minus six,
0:42:15 > 0:42:17Matt and Julia.
0:42:17 > 0:42:20APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:42:21 > 0:42:24APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:42:24 > 0:42:26In third place with minus ten,
0:42:26 > 0:42:28David Mitchell.
0:42:28 > 0:42:30APPLAUSE
0:42:34 > 0:42:37But the witch we shall be burning this evening is
0:42:37 > 0:42:39Alan Davies with minus 25.
0:42:39 > 0:42:41APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:42:47 > 0:42:51Well, it only remains for me to thank, Matt, David, Julia
0:42:51 > 0:42:55and Alan and the last word on the Middle Ages comes from Bennett Cerf.
0:42:55 > 0:42:58"Middle age is when your contemporaries are
0:42:58 > 0:43:00"so grey and wrinkled and bald
0:43:00 > 0:43:02"they don't recognise you."
0:43:02 > 0:43:05Good night. APPLAUSE