0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:00:28 > 0:00:32Goo-oo-oo-ood evening.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Good evening, good evening, good evening, and welcome to QI,
0:00:35 > 0:00:39where tonight we're doing the Monster Mash.
0:00:39 > 0:00:44Let's meet the nameless horrors that lurk in our monstrous shadows.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47The malformed Josh Widdicombe...
0:00:47 > 0:00:49CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:00:51 > 0:00:53..the mutated Phill Jupitus...
0:00:53 > 0:00:55CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:00:57 > 0:01:00..the misbegotten Sara Pascoe...
0:01:00 > 0:01:03CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:01:03 > 0:01:07..and the complete monstrosity Alan Davies.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:01:12 > 0:01:16IN MENACING VOICE: Now, let's hear your scary noises.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Sarah goes...
0:01:18 > 0:01:21WOMAN SCREAMS
0:01:21 > 0:01:22Josh goes...
0:01:22 > 0:01:25MONSTER GROWLS
0:01:25 > 0:01:26Phill goes...
0:01:26 > 0:01:29WOLF HOWLS
0:01:31 > 0:01:34And Alan goes... CHICKEN CLUCKS
0:01:34 > 0:01:36LAUGHTER
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Too terrible to contemplate.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Let's start with a monster mix-and-match.
0:01:43 > 0:01:47Here are some cards you'll find under your desk.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52- The fronts and the backs.- Oh!
0:01:52 > 0:01:55And we want you to see if you can make
0:01:55 > 0:01:57some kind of monster - and name it if you can.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59- Oh, right.- Name it?- Mm.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01- OK.- You've got bottoms, Alan...
0:02:01 > 0:02:03- I'm a classic bottom. - I'm a classic top.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05..and Josh has got tops.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08- What have you got there? - Alan Davies has got gorgeous legs.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10- LAUGHTER - Hey...
0:02:10 > 0:02:12What you've created there is a human.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18- I'd say it's borderline, Stephen. - Too terrible to contemplate.- Yeah.
0:02:18 > 0:02:19- Here we go, here we go, all right... - OK, OK.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22- You don't know what I've put, then we'll look in a minute.- OK.
0:02:22 > 0:02:23- Ooh.- OK.- There we go.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Ah, a lionfish.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Now, that's interesting, cos the lionfish does exist.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Unlike the merlion that we have created...
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Ah, the merlion is a very good...
0:02:32 > 0:02:35..which would sing on the rocks by the coast of Africa
0:02:35 > 0:02:37and lure deer to their deaths.
0:02:39 > 0:02:40Well, Alan, there you've got an ant...
0:02:40 > 0:02:42An ant cow.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43Yeah, we've got the...
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Basically, what you've got there is
0:02:45 > 0:02:48an ungulate that will ruin a picnic.
0:02:49 > 0:02:50Well, we can go through some of these.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53- Certainly a lionfish exists.- OK.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55There's a bounty on them, if you catch them in the Caribbean.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58They destroy the habitat - they're so successful
0:02:58 > 0:03:01there's almost nothing that can get them, and they can eat everything.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03- Try making one to order. See if you can make a Minotaur.- OK.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05- Minotaur...- Oh, Minotaur...
0:03:05 > 0:03:08- So, it's...- Bull's head. - Bull's head's on there.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11- Chap's bottom, isn't it? A Minotaur. - Yeah.- Rather than a lion?
0:03:11 > 0:03:12There we go.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14No-one's quite sure whether it should have...
0:03:14 > 0:03:17the human top with a bull's bottom, but...
0:03:17 > 0:03:21- We've made a Minotaur. - Oh, yeah. He looks really muscly.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25That's not as scary as I thought it was going to be.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27- I'm going to say pop your cards away.- Oh.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29I've just made a mermaid, Stephen.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31You've done a lovely mermaid - well done.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33That's definitely one that was available.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35There are all kinds of things available -
0:03:35 > 0:03:38the myrmecoleon, which is also known as a formicaleon.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41- This is a lion head and an ant body.- What?!
0:03:41 > 0:03:45In medieval bestiaries, they were very sure that that existed.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47They held it to be bigger than an ant.
0:03:47 > 0:03:51Basically, it lived in a little pit and pulled in things.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54- How big was it? - A bit like a large ant.
0:03:54 > 0:03:55Oh, like a large ant.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58I feel like someone who had a very low pain threshold is the person
0:03:58 > 0:04:02who was like, "No, promise you, it was a lion what bit me but it was very small.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04"It came out of a tiny hole."
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Yeah, well, they do exist, antlions. Americans call them doodlebugs.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10- They live in a pit and they pull in anything that falls in.- Wow!
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Mermaids and mermen, obviously, are the human body with a fish tail.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16People think, you know, sailors fall in love with mermaids
0:04:16 > 0:04:19and how can they consummate their relationship? You know...
0:04:19 > 0:04:22- Fertilise the eggs, Stephen. - Exactly, it's very simple.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24She lays her eggs on a rock or something
0:04:24 > 0:04:26and you fertilise them - what's the problem with that?
0:04:26 > 0:04:29The sailor has to sail back to his waters where he was spawned
0:04:29 > 0:04:31and take the mermaid with him.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33So, he has to go back to, I don't know, Dorking...
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Yes, that it might be.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38..find a pond, pop his new fishwife in there.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41- JOSH:- Fishwife! - She lays her eggs
0:04:41 > 0:04:46and then he has to be arrested for indecent public exposure
0:04:46 > 0:04:47at a boating pond.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50And one that you get points for because it does exist
0:04:50 > 0:04:51is the merlion.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Yeah, which you came up with - a merlion -
0:04:53 > 0:04:56- which is the lion head and a fish tail.- Yeah.- Really?
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Yeah, the national symbol of Singapore.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00- Is it?- Oh...thank you, Singapore.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Yeah. They give you those points.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05- The hippocampus. - Hippopotamus.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Thank you for replying with another animal.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09LAUGHTER You're doing very well.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Hip-po replacement.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15But...hippocampus is...
0:05:15 > 0:05:18The hipster campus is, it's...
0:05:18 > 0:05:21- runs coffee bars in Shoreditch... - LAUGHTER
0:05:21 > 0:05:22..in a very effeminate way.
0:05:22 > 0:05:23Well, as you probably know,
0:05:23 > 0:05:25it's part of the brain, the hippocampus,
0:05:25 > 0:05:27but why is it called the hippocampus?
0:05:27 > 0:05:29- The shape of it.- Is...?
0:05:29 > 0:05:31It's the shape of a seahorse.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33But a hippocampus, as a mythical beast,
0:05:33 > 0:05:36- had a horse front and a fish tail.- Oh...
0:05:36 > 0:05:39And so did they think that before they found the seahorse
0:05:39 > 0:05:41or they thought there were two separate seahorses?
0:05:41 > 0:05:44No, there are seahorses in the Mediterranean, so I suppose...
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Let's find out sometime - not now.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49LAUGHTER
0:05:49 > 0:05:52That is surely the opposite of what this show is about.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56I panicked, all right? I just panicked.
0:05:56 > 0:05:57People love seahorses because
0:05:57 > 0:06:00it's the male who gestates the babies, isn't it, with seahorses?
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Which is always so lovely.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05I've dived amongst them and I was just shocked by how small they are.
0:06:05 > 0:06:06You must have...
0:06:06 > 0:06:09- They are tiny. Well, I've seen them in the London Aquariums.- Oh, right.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11They have a very long thin tank that they go up and down -
0:06:11 > 0:06:12it's quite sweet.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14I assume that's what they want to do,
0:06:14 > 0:06:17- otherwise it feels a bit unfair. - Would be cruel.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19They have to just go up and down.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22- They're very horse-like as well in the way they feed...- They race.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24..they browse in the weeds.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25They browse in the weeds, looking...
0:06:25 > 0:06:27They have little stalls and they all get in.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29LAUGHTER At the races.
0:06:29 > 0:06:33There's always one that doesn't want to go and they have to take him off.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37So, no matter what monster you imagine,
0:06:37 > 0:06:40you can be pretty sure that someone else made it first.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Here's a monster that someone made earlier,
0:06:42 > 0:06:44but what is it and what's it made from?
0:06:44 > 0:06:46- Oh....- Oh, my gosh.
0:06:46 > 0:06:50- Is it carved?- Mm... - Is it made from bone?
0:06:50 > 0:06:54It's a type of mermaid that was very popular in the 19th century.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57- It's called a Fiji mermaid.- Ooh...
0:06:57 > 0:06:58People would come from miles to see it.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00It was shown off at carnivals,
0:07:00 > 0:07:03and it was made from fish and household bits and pieces.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05For a long time, people thought it was made by
0:07:05 > 0:07:08the addition of a monkey's head with a fish.
0:07:08 > 0:07:13And this particular one was acquired by the Wellcome Collection in 1919,
0:07:13 > 0:07:16and then later by the fabulous Horniman Museum.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18- Do you know the Horniman Museum? - Yeah, I live near there.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20- Do you?- It's in Forest Hill. It's brilliant, yeah.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22It is an incredible place.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24A genuine museum of curiosities of the most fascinating kind.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27- I've been there too - it's great. - It is good. It's a fine place.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29You just saying that cos I said I've been there?
0:07:29 > 0:07:31- LAUGHTER - I go every week.- Largely, yeah.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Cos when you said you went to the aquarium, I didn't jump on it.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35Like, "Oh, yeah, I've been."
0:07:35 > 0:07:38I let you have your time in the sun.
0:07:38 > 0:07:39"Time in the sun."
0:07:39 > 0:07:42- When you say household bits and pieces...- Yeah.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45..what, like...
0:07:45 > 0:07:47LAUGHTER
0:07:47 > 0:07:48..sticky-backed plastic?
0:07:48 > 0:07:50- Well...- Fairy liquid bottle?
0:07:50 > 0:07:53You'd be surprised to know that recent CT scans
0:07:53 > 0:07:57and DNA tests have been done on this fellow, and they revealed
0:07:57 > 0:08:00that no monkeys were harmed in its making,
0:08:00 > 0:08:02but it is a fish and the rest is made from
0:08:02 > 0:08:05fabric of a wooden frame
0:08:05 > 0:08:07supporting a papier mache head
0:08:07 > 0:08:08- with a fish's jaw.- Wow.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12So, kind of household. Papier mache is usually bits of newspaper
0:08:12 > 0:08:14or paper, isn't it, mashed up?
0:08:14 > 0:08:15- SARA GASPS - Oh, wow!
0:08:15 > 0:08:17There we go.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Now, look. You see, now...
0:08:19 > 0:08:22So, were they supposed to be scary creatures?
0:08:22 > 0:08:24It is quite scary.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27You can picture it scampering in your bedroom or something.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31They were a lot sexier once they added the hair and the shell bras.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Exactly. But you'll be pleased to know that
0:08:34 > 0:08:37this is a result of the CT scans,
0:08:37 > 0:08:40which were made by the Horniman Museum for us,
0:08:40 > 0:08:44and Dr James Moffatt of St George's University in London
0:08:44 > 0:08:48translated the CT scan data into
0:08:48 > 0:08:52- this 3-D printing of the original.- Wow!
0:08:52 > 0:08:53So, this is a 3-D printing.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55- Isn't it good?- Yeah! - Yeah, we like that.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57APPLAUSE
0:08:57 > 0:08:59And you can see how detailed it is.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Even the little holes and flaws in the fish tail.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Have you been to St George's Hospital?
0:09:04 > 0:09:05It's really excellent.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07LAUGHTER Now...
0:09:07 > 0:09:09I'm not going to play this game.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Ergh! Ergh!
0:09:12 > 0:09:14I genuinely jumped.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16LAUGHTER
0:09:16 > 0:09:19You've seen them on Dartmoor, haven't you, Widdicombe?
0:09:20 > 0:09:23- What are your monsters called? - We've got... On Dartmoor?- Yeah.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26We've got the Hairy Hand. Are you aware of the Hairy Hand?
0:09:26 > 0:09:28- Which is a...- No.
0:09:28 > 0:09:29- PHILL:- You get it when you're about 15.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32LAUGHTER
0:09:32 > 0:09:38The Hairy Hand is a disembodied hand that would appear from nowhere
0:09:38 > 0:09:44- if you were driving along the B3021...- Pissed.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47..and it would steer you off the road.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49- But there's...- "Officer!"- "Officer!"
0:09:49 > 0:09:53IN WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: "And it smelt of cider, didn't it?"
0:09:53 > 0:09:57"It dropped its pint on me, and then it drove me off the road."
0:09:59 > 0:10:01One of the people that claimed
0:10:01 > 0:10:04he'd been steered off the road by the Hairy Hand,
0:10:04 > 0:10:05he described it as invisible.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08LAUGHTER
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Oh, bless him for trying.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16There's the old curse about the Monkey Wishing Hand,
0:10:16 > 0:10:19- which it seems is where that's coming from.- Oh, yeah.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21What's that? What's that?
0:10:21 > 0:10:23It's a dead one of those.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25LAUGHTER
0:10:27 > 0:10:28What's that? What's that?
0:10:28 > 0:10:29What's that? What's that?
0:10:29 > 0:10:31It's a herd of those.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34I've got loads of them.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37APPLAUSE
0:10:37 > 0:10:41Now, the Horniman Museum,
0:10:41 > 0:10:44which gave us access to the original of this...
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Probably went there before Sara.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50..it was all arranged by a man who's in the audience tonight
0:10:50 > 0:10:51from the Horniman Museum,
0:10:51 > 0:10:53and it's Paolo Viscardi. Can you give us a wave?
0:10:53 > 0:10:55There you are. Thank you very much, Paolo.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58APPLAUSE
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Grazie.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Who do you recognise more, me or Alan?
0:11:05 > 0:11:08- Who's been more often?- Yeah.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11So, Jenny. Do you know about Jenny Haniver?
0:11:11 > 0:11:12No. Jenny Agutter.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Jenny Agutter you know about? That's good.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17Let me add another Jenny to your list of Jennys.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Let's see some pictures of Jenny Haniver.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21- Was she on the front of a boat? - Whoa. Oh!
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Lord, that's Doctor Who.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25That's a box of props from Doctor Who.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27It does look like it, doesn't it?
0:11:27 > 0:11:29It's the Ku Klux Klams.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:34 > 0:11:35Can you guess what they are?
0:11:35 > 0:11:38- You burn one cross... - Fish.- They're fish.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41- They are flatfish. - They're skates. Skate.- Oh, skate.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Rays or skates would be carved in these shapes -
0:11:44 > 0:11:46it was known as Jenny Hanivers.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Mostly sailors from Antwerp who seemed to do this -
0:11:48 > 0:11:50it was their specialist art.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Other sailors did scrimshaw, you know,
0:11:52 > 0:11:54and they did Jenny Haniver.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Very odd, but they exist,
0:11:56 > 0:11:59and you can see that they exist, because they're there in a box.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01LAUGHTER
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Discarded, unwanted.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06The ones in the middle that look like they're wearing glasses
0:12:06 > 0:12:07- are the best ones.- They are.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09If they started singing, you'd shit yourself.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12LAUGHTER
0:12:12 > 0:12:14# Doo-doo doo-doo dum... #
0:12:14 > 0:12:16HE SCREAMS
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Now, describe the mammoth moles of Siberia.
0:12:21 > 0:12:26- They're huge and they live underground.- Right...- Yeah. Next.
0:12:28 > 0:12:32- Consider the word mammoth.- Woolly. - Mammoth.- Where is it from?
0:12:32 > 0:12:35- What language might it be from? - Welsh.- Russian?
0:12:35 > 0:12:38- No, but it's that... Almost... - Cornish?- Is it kind of Celtic?
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Baltic/Nordic. They consider themselves Nordic people.
0:12:41 > 0:12:42Norway.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44LAUGHTER
0:12:44 > 0:12:46They really, really ARE Nordic.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49These people, most people wouldn't think of them immediately as Nordic.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52- They'd think of them as Baltic. - Latvia, Estonia...- Yeah, Estonia.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56- Is it? OK.- The wonderful country of Estonia.- I've never been there.
0:12:56 > 0:12:57Sara, have you?
0:12:57 > 0:12:59LAUGHTER
0:12:59 > 0:13:01I've got a lifetime membership card.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04I can go for free as many times as I like.
0:13:04 > 0:13:05Lovely gardens.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Well, they have a language that is very
0:13:09 > 0:13:12separate from the languages of their neighbours.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16It's Finno-Ugric. It's related to Finnish and Hungarian.
0:13:16 > 0:13:20And the word "mammoth" is one of the theirs and it means "earth mole".
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Does it?
0:13:22 > 0:13:23It means "earth mole".
0:13:23 > 0:13:25And the reason is that it was thought...
0:13:25 > 0:13:28When mammoths were discovered they were always underground,
0:13:28 > 0:13:31and they thought they lived underground and were killed
0:13:31 > 0:13:34by breathing air by coming up and maybe that's what killed them.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36And so that's why they got the name mammoth.
0:13:36 > 0:13:40But when were the last mammoths, do you think, in thousands of years?
0:13:40 > 0:13:41- 1940s.- Very cold.- 1940s!
0:13:41 > 0:13:43LAUGHTER
0:13:45 > 0:13:47- 200,000 years ago.- 10,000 years ago.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49I would say three million years ago.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52It's more recent than you might think. It's 4,000 years ago.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55- Really?- There was a herd of them in...- Essex.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57..Wrangel Island in the Arctic.
0:13:57 > 0:14:01So when they were there in a herd the Great Pyramid of Cheops
0:14:01 > 0:14:04- was already 1,000 years old. - So it was civilisation?
0:14:04 > 0:14:07- So they overlapped with man, very much so, yeah.- Wow.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10But there is a company called Revive and Restore
0:14:10 > 0:14:12that is looking to re-introduce mammoths.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14They think they can take some genes,
0:14:14 > 0:14:19do some gene juggling with Asian elephants and create a mammoth.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21It's a very extraordinary thought.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Aw! Bless. Asian elephants with the small ears.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Yes, just before they have their genes juggled.
0:14:28 > 0:14:33"Aw! Come into the lab now. I've just got to cut your ovaries open."
0:14:33 > 0:14:36It's genome editing is what they call it.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39We're hoping they would need to live in the tundra
0:14:39 > 0:14:43and one of the reasons we hope that is that they'll reintroduce
0:14:43 > 0:14:46certain grasses, the way they eat and the way they move.
0:14:46 > 0:14:47They move the seeds around.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51Yeah, and the permafrost there where they used to roam is really,
0:14:51 > 0:14:54really beneficial to the environment.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57It contains two to three times as much carbon as the world's rainforests.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59- That would be amazing.- Yeah.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03That could be good aside from the fact it would be delightful to think of them anyway.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05If they're free and out on the tundra that's amazing.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08I thought they would just be breeding them to put them in captivity,
0:15:08 > 0:15:09so we could go, "Oh, you're back."
0:15:09 > 0:15:13They're going to put them in one of those tubes like the London Aquarium.
0:15:13 > 0:15:14They could swim up and down.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18No, there's a man called Sergey Zimov who has created
0:15:18 > 0:15:21an experimental preserve in Siberia that he's called Pleistocene Park.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24- Wow.- So could you do that with other...?
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Is it possible that this will become a thing that will happen?
0:15:27 > 0:15:28- T Rex.- I guess it is, yeah.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30I think it's a question of when rather than if.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33I think it would be a foolish person to say it could never happen.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35If there's human will behind it,
0:15:35 > 0:15:36and it's not illegal, and it's not...
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Maybe not velociraptors.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40No, we've got a warning there
0:15:40 > 0:15:42- cos you see what they do in a kitchen.- Yeah.
0:15:42 > 0:15:47- Less bother in a kitchen than Gordon Ramsay.- Well, that's true.
0:15:47 > 0:15:52- JOSH:- Do you reckon in 4,000 years they'll be trying to recreate Gordon Ramsay?
0:15:53 > 0:15:55- PHILL:- Wow! - JOSH:- For a dare.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57- They'll think... - PHILL:- Imagine herds of them
0:15:57 > 0:15:59sweeping across. Hear their cry.
0:15:59 > 0:16:00"Fuck!"
0:16:02 > 0:16:04"Why don't you grow some balls?"
0:16:04 > 0:16:08"What's this? It's a stupid person sandwich."
0:16:08 > 0:16:09Lawks!
0:16:09 > 0:16:14Now, what kind of animal does this skull belong to?
0:16:14 > 0:16:18- Toothy.- Well...- He's very toothy. - ..looks dinosaur-y to me.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21Well, you can certainly tell that it's not herbivore,
0:16:21 > 0:16:23it's not vegetarian, can't you?
0:16:23 > 0:16:25- Is it...a killer rabbit? - Sabre-toothed tiger?
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Is it a sabre-toothed tiger?
0:16:27 > 0:16:30- No, it's a bit smaller than that. - Is it a tiny mouse?
0:16:30 > 0:16:33LAUGHTER It's a little bit bigger than that.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37It's a species we've mentioned already...
0:16:37 > 0:16:39- Is it a mole?- It's a mole! - A mole! Is it?
0:16:39 > 0:16:40That's a mole. Well done.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43APPLAUSE Well done.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49The species, not surprisingly, is called the star-nosed mole, and...
0:16:49 > 0:16:51It looks like that guy from Futurama, doesn't it?
0:16:51 > 0:16:54- It does. Zoidberg.- Zoidberg.- Yeah.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56IMITATES ZOIDBERG: Well, when you look like Zoidberg...
0:16:56 > 0:16:58LAUGHTER
0:17:00 > 0:17:02It's a wonderful mole.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04They live underground, and we don't have much to do with them,
0:17:04 > 0:17:06but they're equipped with special powers.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09For example, they can smell in stereo,
0:17:09 > 0:17:12so they can tell when something is coming, from which direction.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14So they'd be very useful in a lift, wouldn't they?
0:17:14 > 0:17:17They'd be able to say, "It was you. It was you.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19"Don't lie - it was you."
0:17:19 > 0:17:21And they have toxins with which they paralyse
0:17:21 > 0:17:23and stun the worms that they eat.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Why would they want to do that if they've got the worm anyway?
0:17:26 > 0:17:28- So they can eat it later. - So they can eat it later.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30- So they find it and go... - They have larders.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33- .."tasty, but lunchtime." - Exactly. Deferred pleasure.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35- Pop it in their larder.- Eurgh...
0:17:35 > 0:17:38- But they're... - That's amazing.- PHILL:- Christ!
0:17:38 > 0:17:42Yeah. They need a lot of sustenance because they do a lot of work.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44They do extraordinary tunnelling.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47They can dig 150 feet of new tunnels a day.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Now, given their size and weight
0:17:49 > 0:17:53that is the equivalent of a human moving four tonnes -
0:17:53 > 0:17:56about 1,000 shovel loads - every 20 minutes.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Why didn't we get them to do the Channel Tunnel?
0:17:58 > 0:18:02- LAUGHTER - It would've been amazing - and cute.
0:18:02 > 0:18:06Yeah, about 400 of them - Crossrail, done in a fortnight.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09- LAUGHTER - We're missing something. Huh?
0:18:09 > 0:18:10APPLAUSE
0:18:13 > 0:18:16They're very territorial and solitary, though,
0:18:16 > 0:18:18and the females mate...
0:18:18 > 0:18:21and as soon as they've mated, germinated, ovulated, whatever things females do,
0:18:21 > 0:18:23erm...
0:18:23 > 0:18:24LAUGHTER
0:18:24 > 0:18:26It's complicated!
0:18:26 > 0:18:27It's complicated.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Once they've done that,
0:18:29 > 0:18:33their gonads then put out enormous quantities of testosterone,
0:18:33 > 0:18:37- so that they become very aggressive and territorial.- That's amazing.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41And they then go back to a solitary life like a male. So they become sort of male.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44- Did you know that hyenas... female hyenas have penises...- Yes.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46..that they have to give birth through.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48- Ooh...- Yes.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50- Oh, an audible gasp! - They're fake penises, though...
0:18:50 > 0:18:54- What ARE they laughing at?! - They're not real penises. - They don't work like one.
0:18:54 > 0:18:55HE CACKLES LIKE A HYENA
0:18:55 > 0:18:57LAUGHTER
0:18:57 > 0:19:01So their body has to basically put them to sleep to give birth,
0:19:01 > 0:19:04- they have to release so many relaxants to be able to do it.- Oh...
0:19:04 > 0:19:08- I know. Incredible. Isn't that amazing, though?- Yeah. Phenomenal.
0:19:08 > 0:19:13Anyway, now, name all the members of the Monstrous Regiment of Women.
0:19:14 > 0:19:15Beryl?
0:19:16 > 0:19:18- Linda...- Jean.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21- ..Shirley.- Angry Sue.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23- LAUGHTER - She's the leader.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Have you heard of The Monstrous Regiment Of Women?
0:19:26 > 0:19:30- The First Blast Of The Trumpet Against The Monstrous...- Oh!
0:19:30 > 0:19:32- John Knox.- Yes, John Knox. I knew you would've...
0:19:32 > 0:19:34The First Blast Of The Trumpet Against
0:19:34 > 0:19:36The "Monstrous", notice, Regiment Of Women.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39So, I've read that, and it's bad that I couldn't remember
0:19:39 > 0:19:42the Monstrous Regiment... It seems like it's kind of the main part.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44- LAUGHTER - It seems like...
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Actually, what it is is a slight change in the language,
0:19:46 > 0:19:49and "monstrous" doesn't mean "monstrous" as we would say it -
0:19:49 > 0:19:51- it means unnatural.- Mm.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54And "regiment" doesn't mean
0:19:54 > 0:19:56the whole load of them marching on, these women -
0:19:56 > 0:19:59- it means "regime".- Right.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01And he was a Protestant,
0:20:01 > 0:20:02and he was angry at the fact
0:20:02 > 0:20:05there were two Catholic women on the thrones...
0:20:05 > 0:20:08- Oh, of course.- ..of England. Who might they have been?- Mary...
0:20:08 > 0:20:11Which Mary? They were both called Mary.
0:20:11 > 0:20:12- The Two Marys...- The Two Marys.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14LAUGHTER Exactly.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17This has now turned into a story from the Bunty - The Two Marys.
0:20:17 > 0:20:21- There was our Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary - Mary Tudor.- Yeah.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23The one who burned the Protestants.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27And in Scotland, it wasn't Mary Queen of Scots,
0:20:27 > 0:20:31it was her regent, who was Mary of Guise.
0:20:31 > 0:20:32- Cheery bunch.- Yeah, a cheery bunch.
0:20:32 > 0:20:36- I feel like that's the same Mary in different outfits.- Yeah.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39You know when they do, like, those style challenges on This Morning
0:20:39 > 0:20:42- and it's before and after? - It is, isn't it?
0:20:42 > 0:20:44"She used to just wear monochrome, but look at her now!"
0:20:44 > 0:20:46LAUGHTER
0:20:47 > 0:20:50So, Knox, who was a very keen Protestant,
0:20:50 > 0:20:52didn't like these women on the throne.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54He was angry about it and wrote this thing.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56But on the subject of Mary Queen of Scots,
0:20:56 > 0:20:59do you remember who her husband was, by any chance?
0:20:59 > 0:21:02Darnley, his name was, her husband.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05He was murdered. He was actually blown up.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07This is a very extraordinary story.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09One of the presumed architects of the explosion
0:21:09 > 0:21:11was a fellow called Archibald Douglas -
0:21:11 > 0:21:14a pair of his shoes were found at the scene of the crime.
0:21:14 > 0:21:15ALAN GIGGLES
0:21:15 > 0:21:17"Where's your shoes, Archibald?"
0:21:17 > 0:21:19- LAUGHTER - "Oh!"
0:21:21 > 0:21:24- You've always got to take your shoes off before a dynamiting. - He got away with it.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27But he later gave an account of Mary's reaction.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30- So, this is Mary, her husband has been blown up.- Mm-hm.
0:21:30 > 0:21:34"She sent for a number of light ladies and women
0:21:34 > 0:21:36"to come to Holyroodhouse
0:21:36 > 0:21:41"and participate stark naked in a ball."
0:21:41 > 0:21:44"Then they had cut off their pubic hair
0:21:44 > 0:21:49"and had put it in puddings to be eaten by the male guests,
0:21:49 > 0:21:50"who were sick."
0:21:50 > 0:21:52LAUGHTER
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Is that what you do when your husband's blown up?
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Was she just trying to, you know, like,
0:21:57 > 0:21:58trying to get back to normal life?
0:21:58 > 0:22:00LAUGHTER
0:22:00 > 0:22:03- "Let's just carry on as we were." - That's right.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05"Get your pubes and put them in that pie."
0:22:05 > 0:22:08"It's what he would have wanted." LAUGHTER
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Actually, I think this might be quite clever.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Probably, if your partner is killed in a horrific way,
0:22:12 > 0:22:14all anyone is ever going to talk to you about is,
0:22:14 > 0:22:16"Aw, what happened to your husband?"
0:22:16 > 0:22:19But now, no - "Why did you have that pube party?"
0:22:20 > 0:22:24What? Why? Are you joking?
0:22:24 > 0:22:25It's all the detail we have.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28"Two things, Mary - number one, condolences. Number two..."
0:22:28 > 0:22:29It's all the detail we have, sadly,
0:22:29 > 0:22:32but the actual person who took the rap for the murder -
0:22:32 > 0:22:34he was hanged, drawn and quartered
0:22:34 > 0:22:36on the basis that he was the one who discovered the scene,
0:22:36 > 0:22:38which seems a bit unfair -
0:22:38 > 0:22:39his name was William Blackadder.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Oh...
0:22:41 > 0:22:43HE IMPERSONATES GENERAL MELCHETT: It's true.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Oh, stop it. Don't.
0:22:49 > 0:22:50There you are.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53The Monstrous Regiment Of Women was just a couple of Marys.
0:22:53 > 0:22:54Which is nastier -
0:22:54 > 0:22:59a Foetid Parachute or a Hairy Nuts Disco?
0:22:59 > 0:23:03- OK...- I'll tell you who doesn't like a hairy nuts disco - Mary.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06LAUGHTER Exactly. It's so true.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Presumably, she has that sort of in bowls...
0:23:10 > 0:23:13You have hairy nuts as a sort of amuse-bouche.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Basically that would be a party
0:23:15 > 0:23:19- with people just walking around, going... - HE RETCHES
0:23:21 > 0:23:23HE CONTINUES TO RETCH
0:23:23 > 0:23:26Making a PUBIC nuisance of yourself. LAUGHTER
0:23:26 > 0:23:28They ARE cocktails?
0:23:28 > 0:23:30- Are these cocktails? - They're not cocktails.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32They look exactly as if they would be...
0:23:32 > 0:23:36In Japan, there is a disco where the women don't wear underwear
0:23:36 > 0:23:40and they are on a floor above, and it's glass,
0:23:40 > 0:23:42and they dance and the men pay more to be underneath.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44And I was telling my friend this and she went,
0:23:44 > 0:23:48"They couldn't do it with men cos it would look like everyone was waving at you."
0:23:48 > 0:23:50LAUGHTER
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Isn't that romantic - people like, "Oh... Don't worry."
0:23:52 > 0:23:54"No, no, it's OK, carry on."
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Foetid Parachute might be a slight clue
0:23:56 > 0:23:59inasmuch as the shape of a parachute might be.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01- JOSH:- Oh!- Oh, jellyfish!- Jellyfish!
0:24:01 > 0:24:04- That's the one thing it could've been...- Mushrooms!
0:24:04 > 0:24:08..the other one is mushrooms. Yeah, these are fungi or fun-gee.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11Extraordinary names for new species that occur all the time,
0:24:11 > 0:24:13and there are some incredible names.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16Pink Disco - that's normal and nice.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Greasy Bracket...
0:24:18 > 0:24:20"Punched him in the greasy bracket." I don't know.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Powdery Piggyback.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25IN A MENACING VOICE: Shall we play powdery piggyback?
0:24:25 > 0:24:29White Brain, Jelly Ear, Verdigris Navel,
0:24:29 > 0:24:31LAUGHING: Fragrant Funnel...
0:24:31 > 0:24:33I'm sorry. I'm sorry! LAUGHTER
0:24:33 > 0:24:37Cinnamon Jellybaby, Witches' Butter, Slimy Earth Tongue.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41Alan Rickman's Fridge Gunk. Let's just start making up mushroom names.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45These are also all bands that have had a John Peel session as well.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Hot Lips, Twisted Deceiver...
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Barbara Cartland's Shoe Tree.
0:24:50 > 0:24:54..Bog Cannon, Gassy Night...
0:24:54 > 0:24:56- JOSH:- I've had one of them. - ..and the Hairy Nuts Disco.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59So how often are they finding new fungi?
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Amazingly, amazingly. Let me tell you a remarkable story.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04This is in September 2014 - not very long ago.
0:25:04 > 0:25:05A couple of mycologists -
0:25:05 > 0:25:08as they call fungus experts - from Kew Gardens
0:25:08 > 0:25:14analysed the DNA of a supermarket packet of porcini mushrooms.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17They found three species unknown to science.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21LAUGHTER Perfectly edible...
0:25:21 > 0:25:22Was there any horse in it?
0:25:22 > 0:25:25LAUGHTER
0:25:25 > 0:25:27The scientists named them in Latin
0:25:27 > 0:25:31White Beef Liver, Delicious cattle Liver Fungus and Edible.
0:25:31 > 0:25:32Wow.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35Do you know, the worst thing is throughout that I was thinking,
0:25:35 > 0:25:38"I wonder who's been to Kew Gardens more - Sara or Alan?"
0:25:38 > 0:25:40LAUGHTER
0:25:40 > 0:25:44So in terms of fungi as a whole, 1,200 new species are added a year.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46- Wow.- 1,200 a year? - Amazing, isn't it?
0:25:46 > 0:25:51- They may account for up to 25% of the Earth's biomass.- Wow.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54- So are they really adaptive? Is that's what's happening?- Very.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56- And can be aggressive - that's why we've...- Like moles!
0:25:56 > 0:25:59- We should get them in a fight.- Yes!
0:25:59 > 0:26:01- Mushrooms versus moles! - LAUGHTER
0:26:01 > 0:26:04They can be very aggressive. Although they don't exactly move,
0:26:04 > 0:26:06they do spread themselves huge distances underground.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09I still think I could beat one in a fight.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14- Some would beat you in a fight if you tried to EAT them.- Yes...
0:26:14 > 0:26:15which is how I fight.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18LAUGHTER
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Well, there you are, you see?
0:26:20 > 0:26:23The Trichoderma fungus bumps into another species
0:26:23 > 0:26:26and grasps it with its hyphae, its thin tubes,
0:26:26 > 0:26:28and squeezes the food out of it.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31So it basically takes the food from another species.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34"Meanwhile, in the Swan Vesta reject room...!
0:26:34 > 0:26:36LAUGHTER
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Other fungi launch gas warfare -
0:26:38 > 0:26:41the Sulphur Tuft produces chemical agents...
0:26:41 > 0:26:42Chemical warfare?!
0:26:42 > 0:26:45- Yeah. Against each other. - Oh, my God.- Yeah.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Mushrooms are quite small. They used to be huge.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51They used to be the biggest kinds of non-animal there were.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54When trees and plants were just three foot tall,
0:26:54 > 0:26:56they were much, much bigger - and much more phallic.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58- Really?- Apparently.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Planet of the Cocks.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02LAUGHTER
0:27:02 > 0:27:05Anyway, if Frankenstein's Monster came to dinner,
0:27:05 > 0:27:07what would you give him to eat?
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Electricity, I would give him.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12Electricity? To keep him alive?
0:27:12 > 0:27:13That's what he was brought to life with,
0:27:13 > 0:27:15so that's what I would feed him.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Just finger in the plug socket, or...
0:27:18 > 0:27:22- JOSH:- Have you got an adaptor?
0:27:22 > 0:27:25In the novel, Frankenstein, Or The Modern Prometheus,
0:27:25 > 0:27:29the Monster speaks and is intelligent, and brave, and kind.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32And also eats.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34- Who wrote it?- Mary Shelley.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37- Mary Shelley, who was the wife of... - She was very, very young...
0:27:37 > 0:27:39- Percy.- Percy Shelley. - ..when she wrote it.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42She was young. Percy Shelley and she were two of the most
0:27:42 > 0:27:45notable pioneering vegetarians.
0:27:45 > 0:27:46Ahh.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50And they wanted to express that feeling in the creature,
0:27:50 > 0:27:52in the Monster, as it's called.
0:27:52 > 0:27:56A simple humble diet of carrots, vegetables,
0:27:56 > 0:27:58and gallons of laudanum.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01So Frankenstein's Monster didn't eat any meat?
0:28:01 > 0:28:03He actually has a speech in the novel,
0:28:03 > 0:28:05"My food is not that of Man.
0:28:05 > 0:28:09"I do not destroy the lamb and the kid to glut my appetite.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12"Acorns and berries accord me sufficient nourishment."
0:28:12 > 0:28:14- Aw, that's amazing.- He could do better than acorns and berries.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16He could have a quiche, for example.
0:28:16 > 0:28:17LAUGHTER
0:28:17 > 0:28:21It's weird to think of Frankenstein's Monster having that in common with Piglet.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24"I like haycorns."
0:28:24 > 0:28:28But that's how we know he was such a kind, empathetic character.
0:28:28 > 0:28:29Because he lived with a bear.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31I was talking about Frankenstein's Monster.
0:28:31 > 0:28:34LAUGHTER
0:28:34 > 0:28:36When Shelley died... Do you know how Shelley died? He was very young,
0:28:36 > 0:28:39- as Keats was.- On a boat? - He died in Italy, didn't he?
0:28:39 > 0:28:41- On a boat, quite right. - I was right, yeah.
0:28:41 > 0:28:44It sank, the Arial, and his friend, Captain John Trelawny,
0:28:44 > 0:28:46scoured the Italian coast to find his body.
0:28:46 > 0:28:49And when they burnt his body at the cremation,
0:28:49 > 0:28:53the heart seemed to stay whole, and so Trelawny grabbed it,
0:28:53 > 0:28:54pulled it out, burned his hand terribly,
0:28:54 > 0:28:58and gave the heart to Mary, who kept it for 30 years.
0:28:58 > 0:29:01Some people now think it was probably the liver, not the heart,
0:29:01 > 0:29:04and it... Who knows? But it's rather touching.
0:29:04 > 0:29:06Byron's liver would have gone off like a bomb.
0:29:06 > 0:29:08LAUGHTER
0:29:10 > 0:29:14Right, yeah, Frankenstein's Monster was a vegetarian, fair play to him.
0:29:14 > 0:29:16Alan, what horrors are under your bed
0:29:16 > 0:29:18and how can you get rid of them?
0:29:19 > 0:29:21LAUGHTER
0:29:22 > 0:29:24Be honest with us. Share.
0:29:24 > 0:29:26Don't over share, but just share enough.
0:29:26 > 0:29:28The Bogeyman, everyone's always scared of.
0:29:28 > 0:29:30The Bogeyman. And how do you get rid of it?
0:29:30 > 0:29:33Is there a way?
0:29:33 > 0:29:35Er, fire. Burn him, smoke him out.
0:29:35 > 0:29:37LAUGHTER
0:29:37 > 0:29:38A futon.
0:29:38 > 0:29:40LAUGHTER
0:29:40 > 0:29:42Well, there is...
0:29:42 > 0:29:45Yeah, we have a divan base with drawers.
0:29:46 > 0:29:48No Bogeyman.
0:29:48 > 0:29:52The point is you can buy a spray that you tell your child
0:29:52 > 0:29:54will get rid of the Bogeyman.
0:29:54 > 0:29:56- Oh, really.- Great, lies in a can.
0:29:56 > 0:29:57So, yeah, you can get the spray.
0:29:57 > 0:30:00And we've got some, I think it's under there somewhere.
0:30:00 > 0:30:02You can spray away the monsters.
0:30:02 > 0:30:03Yours is... LOUD HONK
0:30:03 > 0:30:05Yes, that's the loud... That's another way.
0:30:05 > 0:30:07What if you like monsters?
0:30:07 > 0:30:09- If you like them, don't... - I'm not going to.
0:30:09 > 0:30:12- You like monsters? - I think I'm open to them.
0:30:13 > 0:30:16I remember being a bit afraid of what was down the bottom of the bed.
0:30:16 > 0:30:19Indeed, and there are evolutionary psychologists
0:30:19 > 0:30:22who believe that the child's resistance to bed
0:30:22 > 0:30:24is actually very sensible
0:30:24 > 0:30:27and is part of the in-built thing of not wanting to sleep
0:30:27 > 0:30:30alone in the dark where there are genuine monsters,
0:30:30 > 0:30:33animals and all kinds of things, and it's been inherited.
0:30:33 > 0:30:37But in Hungary, they have a monster which is most peculiar.
0:30:37 > 0:30:38It's called Rezfaszu bagoly,
0:30:38 > 0:30:40though I'm sure it's not pronounced like that.
0:30:40 > 0:30:44But what it means, in English, is "the copper-penised owl."
0:30:44 > 0:30:48- He is a giant owl... - I'm glad you've shown me his face.
0:30:48 > 0:30:50LAUGHTER
0:30:50 > 0:30:52He's a giant owl and he has a copper penis,
0:30:52 > 0:30:54- and he'll get you... - When you say "copper penis"...
0:30:54 > 0:30:56- Yeah, I mean a penis made of copper. - Thank you.
0:30:56 > 0:30:58Not a tiny policeman with balls.
0:30:58 > 0:31:00LAUGHTER
0:31:00 > 0:31:01That would be scary, though.
0:31:01 > 0:31:03"Evenin', all."
0:31:03 > 0:31:06The really scary part is he's a threat to children, this creature.
0:31:06 > 0:31:08- Oh.- That's the point.
0:31:08 > 0:31:11This is what's disturbing, is that the copper-penised owl
0:31:11 > 0:31:14will get you if you don't do what your mother tells you.
0:31:14 > 0:31:16What does it mean, "get you"?
0:31:16 > 0:31:17Oh, my gosh.
0:31:17 > 0:31:20What sort of mother would say that to a child?
0:31:20 > 0:31:23If you don't behave, the copper-penised owl
0:31:23 > 0:31:25will come and get you.
0:31:25 > 0:31:27Imagine that, you're lying in bed at night and you hear...
0:31:27 > 0:31:29IMITATES OWL
0:31:29 > 0:31:31LAUGHTER
0:31:31 > 0:31:33Oh, my God, it's tarnished!
0:31:33 > 0:31:36There is some research to show that people who play
0:31:36 > 0:31:38a lot of computer games
0:31:38 > 0:31:41can sometimes develop the ability to take control of their nightmares
0:31:41 > 0:31:43and fight back within them.
0:31:43 > 0:31:44- Wow.- Yeah, it's rather good, isn't it?
0:31:44 > 0:31:46Take it to the next level.
0:31:46 > 0:31:48Take it to the next level.
0:31:48 > 0:31:51Now, how do you keep a blue man happy?
0:31:54 > 0:31:56I once auditioned for the Blue Man Group.
0:31:56 > 0:32:00- Did you?- I auditioned for everything that was in The Stage,
0:32:00 > 0:32:03which is a newspaper for out-of-work actors,
0:32:03 > 0:32:05and I did not read that advert properly.
0:32:05 > 0:32:08And not only do you need to be a man to be in the Blue Man Group,
0:32:08 > 0:32:10but you also need to be over 6'5".
0:32:10 > 0:32:12- Seriously? - And I was in the queue thinking...
0:32:12 > 0:32:14"I think I've got this."
0:32:15 > 0:32:18"I'm really special amongst all these people."
0:32:18 > 0:32:20So is it... What is the Blue Man Group?
0:32:20 > 0:32:23- Like that, completely painted blue. - They're a huge success,
0:32:23 > 0:32:25- enormous.- There they are!
0:32:25 > 0:32:28- They started in New York.- I didn't get it, if anyone was wondering.
0:32:28 > 0:32:31They have five running just in the United States.
0:32:31 > 0:32:34And whenever you're in any city in the world, you see
0:32:34 > 0:32:36a poster for the Blue Man Group.
0:32:36 > 0:32:39- Tourist fodder, because they're not dependent on language.- Exactly.
0:32:39 > 0:32:41That's a very good point.
0:32:41 > 0:32:45But these blue men are monsters in the world that we're in.
0:32:45 > 0:32:46Not the Smurfs, then.
0:32:47 > 0:32:50These are the Blue Men of the Minch,
0:32:50 > 0:32:53Between the north-west coast of Scotland and the Hebrides.
0:32:53 > 0:32:58And the Blue Men of Minch, they're also known as Sea Kelpies.
0:32:58 > 0:33:01Oooh. Ooh, he's a charmer.
0:33:01 > 0:33:03Yeah, isn't he?
0:33:03 > 0:33:05And they used to lure sea folk.
0:33:05 > 0:33:07They're always luring, aren't they, monsters?
0:33:07 > 0:33:10It creates storms. But they had a really unique line
0:33:10 > 0:33:12in allowing you to be saved.
0:33:12 > 0:33:16And that is they would shout out two lines of poetry
0:33:16 > 0:33:20and if you could shout back two which rhymed, that pleased them,
0:33:20 > 0:33:21they would let your ship go.
0:33:21 > 0:33:24There was a young man from Dunoon...
0:33:26 > 0:33:28Like an improv game.
0:33:28 > 0:33:31That's right. We have one example from Scottish mythology.
0:33:31 > 0:33:33Perhaps you could supply the reply.
0:33:33 > 0:33:36The chief of the Blue Men called out thus to a ship's captain -
0:33:36 > 0:33:39"My men are eager, my men are ready
0:33:39 > 0:33:41To drag you below the waves."
0:33:41 > 0:33:44"One's called Steve, one called Zeddy..."
0:33:44 > 0:33:45LAUGHTER
0:33:45 > 0:33:47"The other three are all Daves."
0:33:47 > 0:33:49LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:33:51 > 0:33:53Very pleasing!
0:33:54 > 0:33:57I think they would have been insane not to let you off with that.
0:33:57 > 0:34:00In fact, the rather dull one that saved the skippers of that ship
0:34:00 > 0:34:01that was attacked was,
0:34:01 > 0:34:03"My ship is speedy, my ship is steady
0:34:03 > 0:34:07If it sank, it would wreck your caves."
0:34:07 > 0:34:11- Rubbish.- I like to think that it was like a proto version of The Voice.
0:34:11 > 0:34:13They were all in chairs the other way around
0:34:13 > 0:34:15and they shouted the rhymes.
0:34:15 > 0:34:17And, like, "Yeah, that rhymes."
0:34:17 > 0:34:20If they just said to me, "My men are eager, my men are ready
0:34:20 > 0:34:22"To drag you below the waves",
0:34:22 > 0:34:24I'd never have thought,
0:34:24 > 0:34:26"They want me to rhyme with this."
0:34:26 > 0:34:27LAUGHTER
0:34:27 > 0:34:29I'd see that as a threat.
0:34:30 > 0:34:33Maybe that's what hecklers have been wanting all along.
0:34:34 > 0:34:38- What, a rhyme...- Yeah, rhyme back.
0:34:38 > 0:34:43The theory is they were blue because they'd painted themselves.
0:34:43 > 0:34:46And Latin for to paint is pictum,
0:34:46 > 0:34:49as in picture and depict...
0:34:49 > 0:34:51- and...- Picts.
0:34:51 > 0:34:54Picts, exactly. They were Picts. The Picts and the Scots.
0:34:54 > 0:34:56There were Picts in woad, possibly on kayaks,
0:34:56 > 0:34:59who were aggressive and did indeed colonise Scotland,
0:34:59 > 0:35:01so maybe that's who they were.
0:35:01 > 0:35:03"Angus, can you hear lions singing?"
0:35:03 > 0:35:06LAUGHTER
0:35:06 > 0:35:08"Sounds awfully nice."
0:35:08 > 0:35:11Wellll, if you don't want to sink in the Minch,
0:35:11 > 0:35:14think of something that rhymes...
0:35:14 > 0:35:15LAUGHTER ..at a pinch.
0:35:15 > 0:35:17Um, yeah.
0:35:17 > 0:35:18Ah, it's a cinch.
0:35:18 > 0:35:21So, now it's time to descend into the dark
0:35:21 > 0:35:24and fetid nest of nasties that is General Ignorance.
0:35:24 > 0:35:26First, some real sea monsters. Fingers on buzzers.
0:35:26 > 0:35:29Why do great white sharks bite people?
0:35:29 > 0:35:31WOMAN SCREAMS Yes?
0:35:31 > 0:35:33It's to keep themselves in the news.
0:35:33 > 0:35:34LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:35:36 > 0:35:37That's probably why.
0:35:38 > 0:35:40It's so good and so true.
0:35:40 > 0:35:42Is it cos they think they're something else?
0:35:42 > 0:35:45It's a pretty good answer, yes...
0:35:45 > 0:35:47People say it's because the shadow of a person,
0:35:47 > 0:35:50especially if they're surfing, looks like a seal.
0:35:50 > 0:35:52No, you see, the thing is when... They do eat seals,
0:35:52 > 0:35:54but when they eat seals, it's a frenzy, it's a torpedo -
0:35:54 > 0:35:56they dive in, and there's nothing left.
0:35:56 > 0:35:59But when they attack people, they just take a bite,
0:35:59 > 0:36:01and they usually then go off.
0:36:01 > 0:36:04So it's generally believed that it's a kind of curiosity.
0:36:04 > 0:36:05- "What is this?"- Oh, God.
0:36:05 > 0:36:07So it's like at a party with a vol-au-vent?
0:36:07 > 0:36:09Yeah, basically.
0:36:09 > 0:36:11They just think, "I'll just take a little bit off it..."
0:36:11 > 0:36:14- Oh, no, no.- "..and see if I like it, see what it is."
0:36:14 > 0:36:16That's generally believed by...
0:36:16 > 0:36:19Going over to his mates going, "Don't try that - it's horrible."
0:36:19 > 0:36:22"Don't put it back on the tray. Don't put it back on the tray.
0:36:22 > 0:36:24- "Put it over there." - "You've started it now."
0:36:24 > 0:36:27Curious rather than predatory is the way their behaviour is.
0:36:27 > 0:36:29Wrap it in a napkin, put it in your pocket.
0:36:29 > 0:36:31If you're a human and you lose half your leg,
0:36:31 > 0:36:34- you don't, obviously, think of it like that.- No, no.
0:36:34 > 0:36:36But the point is if they wanted to kill you,
0:36:36 > 0:36:37they are such ferocious...
0:36:37 > 0:36:39"I hope that's sated your curiosity!"
0:36:41 > 0:36:43So, yeah, sharks like to have a nibble
0:36:43 > 0:36:46before they decide whether or not we're worth munching.
0:36:46 > 0:36:48Who has the biggest face in America?
0:36:51 > 0:36:54- Oh, is it... - MONSTER ROARS
0:36:54 > 0:36:56..one of Mount Rushmore?
0:36:56 > 0:36:59Ah... Dang nabbit. SIREN RINGS
0:37:00 > 0:37:02No, I said "one of".
0:37:02 > 0:37:04- Is it a clock? - No, it's not a clock.
0:37:04 > 0:37:07- Good, good... Very smart.- OK.
0:37:07 > 0:37:11- Where's Mount Rushmore?- Dakota. - South Dakota is right, yeah.
0:37:11 > 0:37:14And this particular huge face
0:37:14 > 0:37:18which is bigger by far than either of the four Presidents there...
0:37:18 > 0:37:20But you can get a point for naming them.
0:37:20 > 0:37:22- Washington... - Washington.- ..Lincoln...
0:37:22 > 0:37:24and the other two.
0:37:26 > 0:37:29- McKinley, no? And... - Jefferson...- Jefferson and...
0:37:29 > 0:37:33- ..and Teddy Roosevelt.- Oh! Oh!- Oh!
0:37:33 > 0:37:35Oh, we can all do that at the end, Josh.
0:37:35 > 0:37:38- LAUGHTER - I knew all of them! Just on the...
0:37:38 > 0:37:39Oh, Horniman Museum!
0:37:41 > 0:37:44I'm not going to lie - I was going to go Obama, so...
0:37:48 > 0:37:5115 miles away from Mount Rushmore is the biggest face in America.
0:37:51 > 0:37:55- 15 miles?- Which is an ongoing work, also sculpting a face.
0:37:55 > 0:37:57Oh, it's the Indian head thing.
0:37:57 > 0:38:00Yes, it's the head of a Lakota Sioux Indian chief
0:38:00 > 0:38:02who was a hero to his people.
0:38:02 > 0:38:05It's being done by one person who's been doing it for about 20 years.
0:38:05 > 0:38:08Ancient Polish guy - I've met him. He's extraordinary, yeah.
0:38:08 > 0:38:10- It's going to be much, much bigger than them, isn't it?- Yes.
0:38:10 > 0:38:1287 feet high, is the face.
0:38:12 > 0:38:15And do you know the name of the Indian brave?
0:38:15 > 0:38:18He won, for his people, the battle,
0:38:18 > 0:38:20of which was only a battle - they lost the war...
0:38:20 > 0:38:22- Sitting Bull.- Sitting Bull. - Crazy Horse.
0:38:22 > 0:38:24- Steve.- # Ow! #- "Steve!"
0:38:24 > 0:38:26Crazy Horse.
0:38:26 > 0:38:28- There it is - there's the face. - Oh, he's beautiful.
0:38:28 > 0:38:31He beat Custer in the Battle of Little Bighorn.
0:38:31 > 0:38:33Yeah, but they never found Roobarb.
0:38:33 > 0:38:35LAUGHTER
0:38:37 > 0:38:38Lordy, lord.
0:38:38 > 0:38:42HE SINGS ROOBARB AND CUSTARD THEME MUSIC
0:38:42 > 0:38:44But if you go sideways on, he's on his horse.
0:38:44 > 0:38:47- IMITATES CUSTARD:- Look out, there's a big Indian after you.
0:38:47 > 0:38:50- So, there's one guy who's done this? - Yeah.- Amazing.
0:38:50 > 0:38:53- And he's still doing it. - That's why it's taking so long.
0:38:53 > 0:38:55- When did he start? - Do you have to buy the mountain
0:38:55 > 0:38:57first, or do you just do it on somebody else's?
0:38:57 > 0:38:59Cos I'd be pretty angry if that was in my garden.
0:38:59 > 0:39:02You know, the really impressive thing is
0:39:02 > 0:39:05that he's done it with sandpaper.
0:39:05 > 0:39:06Is he going to get to the end
0:39:06 > 0:39:10and then they're going to realise he hasn't got planning permission?
0:39:10 > 0:39:11"Put it all back, my friend."
0:39:11 > 0:39:13"You have to rebuild the original mountain as it was.
0:39:13 > 0:39:16- LAUGHTER - "We want it all back."
0:39:17 > 0:39:20- There you can see how it should look.- Oh, wow.
0:39:20 > 0:39:23That's the real thing in the background.
0:39:23 > 0:39:24It's a noble endeavour,
0:39:24 > 0:39:26but, goodness me, it's taking him a long time.
0:39:26 > 0:39:28I don't know if he's using dynamite,
0:39:28 > 0:39:30cos that's what they used in Mount Rushmore.
0:39:30 > 0:39:33They used dynamite to four inches' worth of accuracy.
0:39:33 > 0:39:35- Really? - You know, all the little features -
0:39:35 > 0:39:37the nose and everything else. Unbelievable.
0:39:37 > 0:39:40It was going to be Lewis and Clark, the explorers,
0:39:40 > 0:39:41you know, who opened up the West,
0:39:41 > 0:39:44and it was going to be Chief Red Cloud and Buffalo Bill,
0:39:44 > 0:39:47but then they decided it should be presidents
0:39:47 > 0:39:49just to get on the right side of politics, I suppose.
0:39:49 > 0:39:52There's Buffalo Bill. Obviously, Lewis and Clark on the right.
0:39:52 > 0:39:55And you know what you do after a good dynamite?
0:39:55 > 0:39:56Pube party.
0:39:56 > 0:39:59LAUGHTER
0:39:59 > 0:40:01That must have been the biggest pube party of all time.
0:40:01 > 0:40:03It was massive.
0:40:03 > 0:40:08Anyway, name the largest single man-made structure on the planet.
0:40:08 > 0:40:11- Oh... Oh, yeah. - Not falling for that one.
0:40:11 > 0:40:13No way. No way!
0:40:13 > 0:40:17Is it going to be a 50-mile long tunnel or a bridge
0:40:17 > 0:40:18or something like that?
0:40:18 > 0:40:21What we've got out of the way, cos it's hanging here like a worry,
0:40:21 > 0:40:23is it's not the Great Wall of China.
0:40:23 > 0:40:26- Oh, OK.- Yeah. - Try a continent where it might be.
0:40:26 > 0:40:28- Europe.- OK. - Europe is not where it is.
0:40:28 > 0:40:30- Asia.- Australia. - Nor Asia, nor Australia.
0:40:30 > 0:40:32- North America.- Nor North America.
0:40:32 > 0:40:33- South America.- Nor South America.
0:40:33 > 0:40:36- Antarctica.- Antarctica. - Nor Antarctica.- Arctic.
0:40:36 > 0:40:39- Africa.- Africa! Thank you.
0:40:39 > 0:40:41- Hey!- Bloody hell, I'm glad...
0:40:41 > 0:40:43LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:40:45 > 0:40:48I really, really hope Ban Ki-moon isn't watching this.
0:40:48 > 0:40:51"Africa! Africa!"
0:40:51 > 0:40:55- So, is it Egyptian? Is it North...? - It's Nigeria, in fact.- Oh.
0:40:55 > 0:40:57It's the Great Earthworks of Benin.
0:40:57 > 0:40:59The Great Earthworks of Benin!
0:40:59 > 0:41:02LAUGHTER
0:41:02 > 0:41:04It's also called the Walls of Benin.
0:41:04 > 0:41:06- The Walls, of course, Benin! - Defensive earthworks...
0:41:06 > 0:41:08The Earthen Walls of Benin in...
0:41:08 > 0:41:11..dug by the Edo people.
0:41:11 > 0:41:14- 10,000 miles in length.- Miles of it. 10,000 miles...- 10,000 miles?
0:41:14 > 0:41:17..of defensive earthworks by the Edos.
0:41:17 > 0:41:19- 10,000 miles in length. - How could I forget(?!)
0:41:21 > 0:41:23- Four times longer than the Great Wall of China.- OK.
0:41:23 > 0:41:24Puny little wall.
0:41:24 > 0:41:27Consumed 100 times more material than the Great Pyramid of Cheops.
0:41:27 > 0:41:32Took 700 years and an estimated 150 million hours of digging.
0:41:32 > 0:41:35Severely damaged by... HE CLEARS THROAT
0:41:35 > 0:41:40..the British...when we sacked and burned Benin in 1897.
0:41:40 > 0:41:41Aren't the British brilliant?
0:41:41 > 0:41:44"Yes. Well, they just wouldn't do as they were told."
0:41:44 > 0:41:46LAUGHTER
0:41:46 > 0:41:50"There's only so much gentle persuasion we've got time for.
0:41:50 > 0:41:52"Sack and burn them. Fuck the earthworks."
0:41:54 > 0:41:57More or less exactly what happened.
0:41:57 > 0:42:00And then we twisted the knife by not remembering Africa existed.
0:42:00 > 0:42:03LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:42:03 > 0:42:05- What did they build it for? - Defences.
0:42:05 > 0:42:08- Keep out the British, I'd imagine. - Keep out the British!
0:42:08 > 0:42:10Didn't work very well, unfortunately.
0:42:10 > 0:42:13"Here come the white folks. Dig, dig!"
0:42:13 > 0:42:14Of course, you could argue that
0:42:14 > 0:42:17the Eurasian road network is a bigger thing,
0:42:17 > 0:42:21cos it covers Portugal all the way to Siberia.
0:42:21 > 0:42:24- You can drive across the whole lot. - It's all connected by road.
0:42:24 > 0:42:26- You know... - So, who do we take this up with?
0:42:26 > 0:42:30The Guinness Book Of Records? Or do we go to Nigeria?
0:42:30 > 0:42:33They'll go, "I think in fact we got something bigger, actually."
0:42:33 > 0:42:34And further twist the knife again.
0:42:36 > 0:42:38The monstrous Walls of Benin were the biggest thing ever built
0:42:38 > 0:42:40until we monstrously knocked them down.
0:42:40 > 0:42:43All of which brings us to the monstrous scores.
0:42:44 > 0:42:47It's remarkable. PHILL AND SARA LAUGH
0:42:47 > 0:42:48I'm going to start...
0:42:48 > 0:42:52You've all done, may I say, remarkably well.
0:42:53 > 0:42:56In last place, with a score that sometimes could be a winning score
0:42:56 > 0:42:58of minus seven is Josh Widdicombe.
0:42:58 > 0:43:01CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:43:02 > 0:43:06In third place, with minus two...
0:43:06 > 0:43:09Ooh! It's Sara Pascoe.
0:43:09 > 0:43:12CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:43:15 > 0:43:18No! Tell me it ain't so!
0:43:18 > 0:43:21In second place, with plus five, Alan Davies!
0:43:21 > 0:43:24CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:43:26 > 0:43:28How close it was,
0:43:28 > 0:43:32because the winner by a whisker on six points is Phill Jupitus.
0:43:32 > 0:43:35CHEERS AND APPLAUSE I don't understand it.
0:43:40 > 0:43:44That's all from Sara, Phill, Josh, Alan and me,
0:43:44 > 0:43:48and I leave you with these words from Andre Breton.
0:43:48 > 0:43:52"The man who can't visualise a horse galloping on a tomato
0:43:52 > 0:43:53"is an idiot."
0:43:53 > 0:43:55Thank you.
0:43:55 > 0:43:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE