0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language
0:00:25 > 0:00:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Goo-oo-oo-ood...
0:00:32 > 0:00:35evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:35 > 0:00:38good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening and welcome
0:00:38 > 0:00:43to QI, where tonight we'll be one massive, marvellous, molten mess.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45And here's the mix.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47The massive Noel Fielding...
0:00:47 > 0:00:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:51 > 0:00:52..the marvellous Eddie Kadi...
0:00:52 > 0:00:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:55 > 0:00:57..the molten Sarah Millican...
0:00:57 > 0:01:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:00 > 0:01:02..and who will clean up this mess?
0:01:02 > 0:01:03Alan Davies.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:07 > 0:01:11And let's hear your messy buzzers.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Noel goes...
0:01:13 > 0:01:14GLASS SMASHES
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Hmm. Eddie goes...
0:01:17 > 0:01:20BUILDING COLLAPSES
0:01:21 > 0:01:22Sarah goes...
0:01:22 > 0:01:26CAR CRASHES
0:01:26 > 0:01:27And Alan goes...
0:01:27 > 0:01:30FOOTBALL CROWD CHEERS
0:01:31 > 0:01:33LAUGHTER
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Do you know what that was?
0:01:35 > 0:01:37April 2010.
0:01:37 > 0:01:38What's our theme?
0:01:38 > 0:01:39Mess.
0:01:39 > 0:01:40Lionel?
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Lionel Messi.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45Messi...scoring how many times against ARSENAL?
0:01:45 > 0:01:46Oh, four. Four times.
0:01:46 > 0:01:47Yes.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49I'm afraid so.
0:01:49 > 0:01:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:50 > 0:01:52There you are.
0:01:52 > 0:01:53Oh, dear!
0:01:53 > 0:01:58Anyway, what's...the meaning of this mess of M words?
0:01:58 > 0:02:01Just choose one as it passes by.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Oh, mumbudget is how much your mum's got in her purse.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08So, is that literally the budget that your mum has?
0:02:08 > 0:02:11Cos when I was growing up, I'd ask my mum for £10
0:02:11 > 0:02:14and she'll always be like, "I don't have £10, here's £1."
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Right? If I asked her for £1, she'll give me 20 pence,
0:02:17 > 0:02:19so I asked her for a million...
0:02:19 > 0:02:22- Just to get it up. - Just to, yes, just to get it up.
0:02:22 > 0:02:23And she slapped me.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Mumbudget is like keeping mum, it's to be silent about something.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31You put the word budget after, like, there's a word fussbudget,
0:02:31 > 0:02:33for example, which is someone who's very fussy.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35"Oh, don't be such a fussbudget" was a Regency sort of word.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Munge! Monster Munge.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Monster Munge!
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Munge is New Zealand for minge.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Oh, munge!
0:02:43 > 0:02:45LAUGHTER
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Oh, dear, horribly true.
0:02:48 > 0:02:49Monarsenous.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Yeah, a single, er...crack.
0:02:51 > 0:02:52Oh!
0:02:53 > 0:02:57Mammock, the mixture of a mammoth and a hammock.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00- SARAH:- It's a bra, it's a bra. - A useful one to sleep in.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04- It's where...- A mammock?- It's where I hang my mammaries.- Oh, your mammary hammock, yes. A mammock.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06- A maness is a woman.- Yes.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08- Is a mormal...?- Is it?- Yes...- Is it?
0:03:08 > 0:03:12- But what's surprising...- Is it?! - Yeah.- You got one right!
0:03:12 > 0:03:15- I got one right, yeah. I'm going! - Is it actually?- Yes.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19You might think that it was a recent word for a woman, a maness,
0:03:19 > 0:03:20but actually it's 16th century.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Tudor, 1500s, maness.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24- A man and a maness.- Yeah, a man...
0:03:24 > 0:03:26- NOEL:- Mazology, the study of mazes.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28BUZZER ALARM Oh, no!
0:03:30 > 0:03:31The study of mazes.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34Oh, you must be so stupid to get one of those go off!
0:03:36 > 0:03:38- It's actually the study of mammals. - Oh!
0:03:38 > 0:03:41- Mammals in zoology. - That live in mazes.
0:03:41 > 0:03:42Mazology, yeah.
0:03:42 > 0:03:43Mogi, mogi...
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Is a mutton-monger like a Welsh person? No!
0:03:48 > 0:03:49I'll get into trouble for that.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52It could be a man with extreme sexual appetites can be called a mutton-monger.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54- Oh, really? - So a Welshman, then.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57I pulled it back, did you see?
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Moley is someone who's like a mole, not actually a mole,
0:04:00 > 0:04:03- but like a mole. - Is mole-y.- They're sort of moley.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Is a mournival like a really good funeral?
0:04:09 > 0:04:11- Whoo! - APPLAUSE
0:04:14 > 0:04:18I'll catch up with a moley - it's actually rather a grim thing. Wonderful there is a name for it.
0:04:18 > 0:04:221950s gangs, racecourse gangs and things
0:04:22 > 0:04:26were often known as razor gangs, and razors were the weapon of choice.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29People used to shave each other.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31- They used to...- Their legs.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34They used to conceal razors inside a potato.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36- Oh, nice.- And they called it a moley.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38- NOEL:- Oh...- EDDIE:- "I'll mole you!"
0:04:38 > 0:04:41- They could keep it in their pocket without hurting themselves...- Wow. - ..and then attack.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45- Better than having it concealed in your sandwiches. - Well, yes, that would be horrible.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47And what other words have we come up across?
0:04:47 > 0:04:51A mugwump is when you put your biscuit in your tea
0:04:51 > 0:04:52and half of it falls to the bottom.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Oh! That would be so useful as a word.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57What about munge, is that a man with a vagina?
0:04:57 > 0:04:58No, it's...
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Is moggadored like if you're a cat lady?
0:05:03 > 0:05:04I'm mog-adored.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Munge is actually a verb, and it's something mothers do,
0:05:07 > 0:05:10but I don't know anybody else would do it, unless they were weird.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13- I munge, you munge, we munge, they munge.- We munge, that's how verbs work.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15They munge!
0:05:15 > 0:05:18You've conjugated the verb "to munge" very nicely.
0:05:18 > 0:05:19I have.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21- Mothers...- I munge daily.- Yeah.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24- I am munge...- I will have munged, would be future perfect.- Yes.
0:05:24 > 0:05:25I could have munged.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28- Could have munged, I might have munged, I may well have munged.- Yes.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31I cannot remember if I munged or not.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34- To munge is to wipe someone else's nose.- Wow.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36- I did not munge.- You didn't munge.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39I munge about every 15 minutes at home.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Mesopygion...mesopygion is interesting,
0:05:41 > 0:05:43because you almost mentioned that.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45- A mesopygion.- Mesopygion.
0:05:45 > 0:05:46Mesopygion.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49It sounds like you're doing yourself down, "Oh me-so-pygion."
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Oh, mesopygion. Er...
0:05:52 > 0:05:56Pyg, P-Y-G is buttocks in Greek, as in styrop, styropigus,
0:05:56 > 0:05:58and beautiful fat buttocks, styropigus.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02- And mesopygius is the crack between the buttocks.- Eso what?
0:06:02 > 0:06:05It's your anal fissure, your anal fissure.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09- That's what I call sexy times.- Did I say anal fisher? I'm an anal fisher.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12A fissure. A fissure, I mean.
0:06:12 > 0:06:13Yeah.
0:06:13 > 0:06:14Not an anal fisher?
0:06:14 > 0:06:16What else were we?
0:06:16 > 0:06:18No, no, no. An anal angler.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Oh, dear.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25- So, if you've got like an itch, you could be a mesopygion.- Yeah, that's right, yeah, you could.
0:06:25 > 0:06:29- It's amazing.- Oh, it's all running down my mesopygion.- Yeah...
0:06:29 > 0:06:30Yup, there it is.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34- There's got to be a word for these things, hasn't there? It's good that it exists.- Yeah.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38But you talked about mugwump earlier - "mugwump" is a word that most Americans would know,
0:06:38 > 0:06:41because it has a historical place in American politics.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Mugwumps were Republicans who deserted the Republican Party
0:06:44 > 0:06:47in the 1880s and voted Democrat.
0:06:47 > 0:06:48Oh...
0:06:48 > 0:06:49And so it means a turncoat,
0:06:49 > 0:06:52- a political turncoat in American political discourse.- Wow.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55That person must have been really angry, who decided that word.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58- Well...- "Oh, they've gone to the other side, the mugwumps!"
0:06:58 > 0:07:01- It's an Algonquin Indian word. - Mug-wump!
0:07:01 > 0:07:03- It's Algonquin Indian.- Mugwump.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05- Mullipuff?- Mullipuff.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07It's a thoughtful...
0:07:07 > 0:07:08Puff!
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Steady!
0:07:11 > 0:07:14- It's a contemptible... - It's an absolute minefield!
0:07:14 > 0:07:17- It's a contemptible, despicable person, a mullipuff.- Is it?
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Or it is a type of puffball fungus.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Yeah, there we are.
0:07:21 > 0:07:22If you want to know what the rest mean,
0:07:22 > 0:07:25go to...
0:07:26 > 0:07:28It's a real site.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31There's one last thing I'd like to mention from the list, though.
0:07:31 > 0:07:36Mytacism, which we haven't commented on, it's an excessive use of the letter M.
0:07:36 > 0:07:37Ah-h-h.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39So, let's let the mytacism roll.
0:07:39 > 0:07:43Name a politician with raw animal magnetism.
0:07:43 > 0:07:44Oh...wow...
0:07:44 > 0:07:47- Ed Miliband. - THEY LAUGH
0:07:48 > 0:07:50No, but seriously.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52THEY LAUGH
0:07:52 > 0:07:55It's actually a politician long dead.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Animal magnetism - where did that phrase come from?
0:07:57 > 0:08:00It's not actually an obvious or natural phrase.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03It seems so to us, cos we use it all the time,
0:08:03 > 0:08:05but why animal magnetism?
0:08:05 > 0:08:08There's something charismatic about them physically,
0:08:08 > 0:08:11- the way they move or look or do things.- Mmm.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13It's not what they say, it's their aroma.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Is it the way...
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Yeah, free spirit.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Yeah, is it the way like a gorilla can sometimes be sexy,
0:08:19 > 0:08:21but you're not allowed to say that?
0:08:23 > 0:08:27It's not banned in zoos to go, "I'd do that one, wouldn't you?"
0:08:28 > 0:08:32- Where are we, is it American politicians?- No, we're back in the 19th century.
0:08:32 > 0:08:33- 19th century.- 19th century, and...
0:08:33 > 0:08:37- It'll be either Gladstone or Disraeli.- A German Austrian figure called Franz...- Franz.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41..who achieved huge public recognition for what he claimed to do,
0:08:41 > 0:08:46which involved using the magnetic fluids of people
0:08:46 > 0:08:49to make them do things they didn't want to do.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51And he coined the phrase "animal magnetism,"
0:08:51 > 0:08:56meaning a very basic, primal, human, magnetic quality.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59And his name was Franz M...
0:08:59 > 0:09:01M...
0:09:01 > 0:09:02Magnet.
0:09:02 > 0:09:03Mugwump.
0:09:03 > 0:09:04M...
0:09:04 > 0:09:07It's a word that means it's absolutely hypnotic
0:09:07 > 0:09:08and amazing, I'm m...
0:09:08 > 0:09:09Mesmerising.
0:09:09 > 0:09:10Yes, and so his name was?
0:09:10 > 0:09:13- Bobby Mesmeriser. - THEY LAUGH
0:09:15 > 0:09:17I've already given you Frank...Franz, haven't I?
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Franz Mesmer.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Franz Mesmer was his name.
0:09:22 > 0:09:27- And he was the first great public figure to hypnotise.- Oh-h-h.
0:09:27 > 0:09:28To use hypnosis.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Even the name's quite mesmerising.
0:09:30 > 0:09:31It is, the name...
0:09:31 > 0:09:34- GERMAN ACCENT: - "I am Bobby the Mesmeriser."
0:09:34 > 0:09:36- Yeah. Forget the Bobby. - Frank, Franz.- Yeah.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38- I like Bobby.- You prefer Bobby, OK.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41- Yeah, cos you don't see it coming, do you?- No, you don't.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45- "Hi, I'm Bobby." "Yeah, he's harmless."- Bobby Mesmer.- Where are the fluids, bodily fluids?
0:09:45 > 0:09:48- The magnetic fluids?- Yeah. - It's nonsense, but that's what he claimed existed.- Oh.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52He used what we would call basic hypnotic techniques,
0:09:52 > 0:09:56but he claimed that he was exploiting these magnetic fluids,
0:09:56 > 0:09:58which don't exist in the human body,
0:09:58 > 0:10:01in order to sort of pull out the things that he could make people do.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05- It's called Rohypnol now. - Yes, I'm afraid it is!
0:10:05 > 0:10:08But plenty of people believed in what he did and said -
0:10:08 > 0:10:13Coleridge, Marie Antoinette, Edgar Allan Poe, Mozart, Dickens, Conan Doyle, a lot of them.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Dickens liked to try and practise on a friend of his,
0:10:16 > 0:10:20Madame de la Rue, and he once, on a train, with his wife,
0:10:20 > 0:10:24was practising hypnotising on Madame de la Rue, and he wrote
0:10:24 > 0:10:27that he "heard the sound of his wife's muff falling to the ground."
0:10:27 > 0:10:28THEY LAUGH
0:10:30 > 0:10:31Why are we laughing?
0:10:31 > 0:10:34I think mine sometimes comes loose, but it's never hit the deck.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39THEY LAUGH
0:10:39 > 0:10:43Oh, dear. We might come back to muffs, I hope not, but we might.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47What happened is, he hypnotised his wife into a trance by accident.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51- And he heard a sound... - He heard the sound of her muff hitting the ground,
0:10:51 > 0:10:55and he turned round and saw that she had been the one who'd been hypnotised, not Madame de la Rue.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58So, his wife was...she just came in with a cup of tea, and, bang, gone.
0:10:58 > 0:10:59Yes, exactly.
0:10:59 > 0:11:04But the politician whom Coleridge characterised as having animal magnetism,
0:11:04 > 0:11:05which was an insult,
0:11:05 > 0:11:06was Pitt the Younger.
0:11:06 > 0:11:11- He thought Pitt the Younger exhibited these traits of animal magnetism.- Wow.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15In other words, that he somehow used some sort of force, or some
0:11:15 > 0:11:19sort of power over people, in order to persuade them to his cause.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Yeah, and there were royal commissions to investigate it, especially in France,
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Louis XVI set one up.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27It was the first placebo-controlled trial in history.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30They ruled that it had no basis in fact,
0:11:30 > 0:11:33but nonetheless people continued to believe it. Yeah.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Pitt the Younger possessed raw animal magnetism,
0:11:36 > 0:11:38at least according to Coleridge.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Now, here's an interesting effect - listen to this.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43DISTORTED RECORDING OF SPEECH
0:11:43 > 0:11:44What was being said?
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Is that the Devil?
0:11:46 > 0:11:48It was the Devil, but do you know what he was saying?
0:11:48 > 0:11:51"I'm going to be late, put the dinner on."
0:11:51 > 0:11:52Have another listen.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56DISTORTED RECORDING OF SPEECH
0:11:56 > 0:11:57Now...
0:11:57 > 0:12:01Chances are you just didn't understand what it was saying,
0:12:01 > 0:12:03but if you heard it said, clearly,
0:12:03 > 0:12:05then listen again to that distorted sound.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08And so this is what was being said.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11- RECORDING:- 'Try saying "blue whale" - that's bound to come up eventually.'
0:12:11 > 0:12:14DISTORTED RECORDING OF SAME SPEECH
0:12:14 > 0:12:15LAUGHTER
0:12:15 > 0:12:18- Isn't it extraordinary?- Wow! - Hear that again...
0:12:18 > 0:12:21- RECORDING:- 'Try saying "blue whale" - that's bound to come up eventually.'
0:12:21 > 0:12:23DISTORTED RECORDING OF SAME SPEECH
0:12:23 > 0:12:25- EDDIE:- Yeah! - You really can hear it, can't you?
0:12:25 > 0:12:28- Sounds like he's saying it with a cold.- You're right!
0:12:28 > 0:12:31It's amazing what the human brain can process.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33But it needs a little bit of information -
0:12:33 > 0:12:37from that apparently random sound that you thought you could never, ever understand,
0:12:37 > 0:12:41once you're told what it is, you can instantly imprint the structure of it.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44It's amazing, I think. Phenomenal, phenomenal!
0:12:44 > 0:12:49What's the most inappropriate thing beginning with M that the Pope has kissed?
0:12:49 > 0:12:50LOUD CRASH Yes, Sarah Millican?
0:12:50 > 0:12:52My breasts.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Well, this has come as a shock to me, tell the story, where were you?
0:12:56 > 0:12:59That's it, he just, he sort of fell.
0:12:59 > 0:13:00He fell on your breasts?
0:13:00 > 0:13:03I was in, like, WH Smith's, and...
0:13:04 > 0:13:06He'd come in to bless some Bibles or something,
0:13:06 > 0:13:10and he just tripped on, cos the carpet was...and...and I had
0:13:10 > 0:13:13- a low-cut top and I don't wear one for QI, because it feels disrespectful.- Yes.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16But I normally have them out, and he just landed,
0:13:16 > 0:13:19and cos his natural inclination is to kiss things,
0:13:19 > 0:13:20- he just kissed them.- Wow!
0:13:20 > 0:13:22What was his reaction?
0:13:22 > 0:13:23Did he like it?
0:13:23 > 0:13:25He was pleased.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29- Did he, did he go, "Mmmm"? - No, he was too polite for that,
0:13:29 > 0:13:31but I could see a little glint in his eye.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33THEY LAUGH
0:13:33 > 0:13:37There's been a rapid succession of pontiffs in the last ten years or so.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40So was this John Paul II, was it Benedict...?
0:13:40 > 0:13:41I can't tell them apart.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43THEY LAUGH
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Well, this is...
0:13:45 > 0:13:49- It would help if they wore different outfits, but they're always in the same dress.- They are!
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Anyway, a merkin, what's a merkin?
0:13:53 > 0:13:55- It's a pubic wig.- A pubic wig.- Yes.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59Could a Pope kiss a pubic wig? Is it likely?
0:13:59 > 0:14:01- If he was drunk enough. - THEY LAUGH
0:14:01 > 0:14:04- On communion wine. - Had he tripped in a different way.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Well, we're going back to the 17th century.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08- And it was a rather... - If it was a tall lady.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10I think you're going to like this man.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12There's an English...
0:14:12 > 0:14:16English highwayman called Captain Dick Dudley.
0:14:16 > 0:14:17Dicky Dudley!
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Dick Dudley. I think you're going to like Dick Dudley.
0:14:20 > 0:14:21He was hiding in Rome,
0:14:21 > 0:14:24and while he was hiding from the law enforcement officers,
0:14:24 > 0:14:27he bought a dead prostitute's pubic wig,
0:14:27 > 0:14:30a merkin, from an anatomist.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34"He dried it well and combed it out," that's in inverted commas
0:14:34 > 0:14:37cos it's a quotation, "and sold it to the Pope."
0:14:37 > 0:14:39- There they are, there's a selection of them.- Wow!
0:14:39 > 0:14:41I like the one on the bottom right.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43- That's excellent.- Yes, nice curls.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Yeah. That's had a perm, that one.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49- So, this was Ann Summers back in the day.- Yeah.- Kind of.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51My goodness.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55He sold it to the Pope, it could have been Clement X or Innocent XI,
0:14:55 > 0:14:57as a piece of St Peter's beard.
0:15:00 > 0:15:01THEY LAUGH
0:15:01 > 0:15:03And...
0:15:03 > 0:15:05THEY LAUGH
0:15:05 > 0:15:06Oh, well done, him!
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Popes like relics. He's a great man, I like Dick Dudley.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Pope Gullible IV.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Yeah! Exactly! THEY LAUGH
0:15:12 > 0:15:14- "A beard, you say? Hmm." - THEY LAUGH
0:15:14 > 0:15:15"St Peter's!"
0:15:17 > 0:15:21Exactly, Alan, the Pope put it on his mouth, kissed it multiple times
0:15:21 > 0:15:23and appeared to be thrilled with his purchase.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Dick was paid 100 ducats, and he immediately skedaddled it
0:15:26 > 0:15:30out of Rome before anybody caught up with him, called his muff...bluff!
0:15:30 > 0:15:32LAUGHTER
0:15:32 > 0:15:33Wow.
0:15:33 > 0:15:38But they've existed in Britain as pubic wigs since the 14th century, at least.
0:15:38 > 0:15:42And were especially useful for women who'd lost their pubic hair due to...?
0:15:43 > 0:15:46- Disease.- Waxing?- Yes, syphilis. Through what?
0:15:46 > 0:15:48- Waxing.- Waxing. No! HE LAUGHS
0:15:48 > 0:15:51That picture looks like the sun if it forgot to shave.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Yes, it does rather, doesn't it?
0:15:53 > 0:15:55- Or Mick Hucknall.- Hipster sun.
0:15:55 > 0:15:59You have to get up early to catch the sun unshaven.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Anyway, when in Rome, don't kiss St Peter's beard,
0:16:03 > 0:16:05you don't know where it's been.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08What did Marie Antoinette keep in her muff?
0:16:09 > 0:16:11- Cake. - BUZZER ALARM
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Oh!
0:16:13 > 0:16:16- We were there before you, Eddie, I'm sorry.- Welcome.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Yeah, welcome to our world, exactly.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22I told you we'd return to muffs, and here we have with a vengeance.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25What did people keep in muffs? What did women keep in muffs?
0:16:25 > 0:16:29There was a particular thing, a fashionable accessory.
0:16:29 > 0:16:30Mirror.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32- A living, moving accessory.- Ooh.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34A hamster?
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Maybe that just WAS the muff.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Well, you know what Chinese people kept in their large sleeves?
0:16:40 > 0:16:41A crocodile.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46A wild guess, and I wish it were correct, it's...
0:16:46 > 0:16:48- A duck.- Not a duck.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51- That's what Pekingese dogs were bred for.- A dog.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53- Yeah, so dogs.- In their sleeves? - Yeah.
0:16:53 > 0:16:58But the muffs, which were sometimes known as snuffkins in England,
0:16:58 > 0:17:00were worn by both men and women, not just women.
0:17:00 > 0:17:06- King Louis XIV had muffs made of tiger, panther, otter and beaver skins.- Wow.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08In his diary, Samuel Pepys reported that,
0:17:08 > 0:17:12"This day I did first wear a muff, being my wife's last year's muff."
0:17:14 > 0:17:16SARAH LAUGHS MANICALLY
0:17:16 > 0:17:19All right... The Marquis de Sade, who was imprisoned in the Bastille,
0:17:19 > 0:17:21of course, had letters smuggled in by his wife,
0:17:21 > 0:17:23which she kept in her muff.
0:17:23 > 0:17:24LAUGHTER
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Now, come on. If I say muff enough, it's...
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Can you just control yourselves?!
0:17:28 > 0:17:30YOU don't...you, how...
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Well, I haven't said anything about the vagina for four minutes!
0:17:36 > 0:17:39There's a marvellous woman called Celestine Galli-Marie,
0:17:39 > 0:17:41who was the first woman to play Carmen.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45- She always kept a marmoset in her muff.- Of course she did.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50So, there you are. There's a lot of...
0:17:50 > 0:17:53- Where else are you going to put it? - Yeah, exactly, there's fun to be had from muffs.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Muffs were once used to store dogs. Muff said.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Now, for a question about meteorology.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03Why did the inventor of the weather forecast think that dinosaurs had died out?
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Maybe he loved dinosaurs, right? He loved them so much
0:18:08 > 0:18:12- he wished he could actually let them know before the weather changed and killed them off.- Yeah.
0:18:12 > 0:18:16And he started going, "Do you know what? I'm going to resist this happening again,
0:18:16 > 0:18:20"I'm creating the weather forecast, just in case dinosaurs come back and they need it."
0:18:20 > 0:18:21Here's a man who had...
0:18:23 > 0:18:26..an extraordinary and brilliant idea,
0:18:26 > 0:18:29and he had an incredibly stupid idea.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32But the world believed his stupid idea,
0:18:32 > 0:18:36but laughed derisively at his good idea.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39His name was FitzRoy and he invented the weather forecast
0:18:39 > 0:18:43and said he could forecast the weather, given, you know, enough knowledge of the variables.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45And people laughed him to scorn.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51But then he said, "I know why dinosaurs died out.
0:18:51 > 0:18:55"Because they were too big to fit onto Noah's Ark."
0:18:55 > 0:18:58And people said, "That's a brilliant point, you're right."
0:18:59 > 0:19:03And that's true. He was genuinely respected for thinking that.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06- And that is rubbish because that ark was huge, wasn't it? - Yeah, that's right.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08It's because Tyrannosaurus Rex's arms were so small,
0:19:08 > 0:19:11they couldn't get the umbrella over their head.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13And he...
0:19:13 > 0:19:15I'm sure Noah would have factored that in, wouldn't he?
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Noah would have had a whole... dinosaur section, it's absurd.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21You seem to be buying into this whole Noah's Ark idea.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Was there a weather forecast?
0:19:23 > 0:19:27The dinosaurs said, "No, no, we'll stay, I'm sure it'll be fine."
0:19:27 > 0:19:28They're just really positive.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31- They were deluded.- They were very sort of optimistic.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35And when the flood came they thought, "Oh, shit, actually it's much worse than we thought."
0:19:35 > 0:19:38I've just got the image now of a weather...cave weatherman doing the weather...
0:19:38 > 0:19:41- I don't know why there'd be a cave weatherman.- ..on a cave, and then
0:19:41 > 0:19:44all the dinosaurs sort of gathering round to see the pollen count.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49FitzRoy, does the name mean anything to you, in terms of natural history?
0:19:49 > 0:19:50A bastard.
0:19:50 > 0:19:54He was perhaps best known for being the guy in charge of the Beagle.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56- He was a friend of Darwin's.- Oh.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00But despite being a friend of Darwin's, he didn't believe anything Darwin said.
0:20:00 > 0:20:04In fact, he was outraged by Darwin's Theory of Evolution, because Darwin didn't take into account...
0:20:04 > 0:20:08"Oh, Charles, for God's sake, they just didn't have enough room on the Ark for them!"
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Yeah, exactly. THEY LAUGH
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Basically, that's what he tried...
0:20:13 > 0:20:16"Oh, yadda, yadda, yadda, Charles!
0:20:16 > 0:20:18"I'm telling you, it's going to rain in the morning."
0:20:18 > 0:20:20"Oh, don't be ridiculous, FitzRoy!"
0:20:20 > 0:20:23THEY LAUGH
0:20:23 > 0:20:24"You can't possibly know that."
0:20:24 > 0:20:26"I'm telling you, it is!"
0:20:26 > 0:20:29- Well, it was 20 years... - What a pair!- They were a pair.
0:20:29 > 0:20:3320 years after the Beagle, he started his weather forecasting,
0:20:33 > 0:20:35and actually it did catch on, despite the initial scepticism.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38In fact, even Queen Victoria used to send word round
0:20:38 > 0:20:41asking what sort of crossing she'd get to the Isle of Wight.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45He lived in Norwood and he would send a message saying, "It'll be windy."
0:20:45 > 0:20:46Lived in Norwood! That's funny to me.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49- It is, I know. Only Victorians lived in Norwood.- Norwood.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Maybe Norwood was quite nice then, but, Christ, it's a khazi.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56His first ever weather forecast, it was in the Times,
0:20:56 > 0:20:57and was four words.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00"Moderate, westerly wind, fine."
0:21:01 > 0:21:04I thought you were going say, "Bloody pissing down."
0:21:06 > 0:21:07Well, there you are.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11The word "meteorology" comes from the Greek for "things high up,"
0:21:11 > 0:21:12and in terms of high up,
0:21:12 > 0:21:15they used to use frogs for telling the weather forecast.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18They built them little ladders and put them in a jar.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22- Of course they did. - And they thought if they went up the ladder, it was going to be fine.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25If they went down the ladder, it was going to be a bit wet.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Giving you the idea of it. OK.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Did frogs... Did frogs even know what ladders were?
0:21:31 > 0:21:34I don't think they have to know what they are, do they?
0:21:34 > 0:21:37- Did they just like...?- They just have to have the instinct to climb.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40- So, it could have been anything, didn't have to be ladders. - It didn't have to be.
0:21:40 > 0:21:44"Where's the frog?" "He's halfway up." "But which way is he looking?" "He's looking down."
0:21:44 > 0:21:47Just say, "Scattered showers, scattered showers."
0:21:50 > 0:21:52- I think you're right. - "Sunny spells. Sunny spells."
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Just do a cloud with a bit of the sun, half the sun.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58What if it was foggy?
0:21:58 > 0:22:00"He's gone on an escalator, it's foggy."
0:22:02 > 0:22:06- Maybe he was trying to get out the top.- Yeah. That's what he's trying to do.- He's trying to escape.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10One day, the ladder's right up to the top and the frog's fucked off,
0:22:10 > 0:22:11and then what's going to happen?
0:22:11 > 0:22:15Left a note, "I've no idea what the weather's going to be like.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17"I'm out of here."
0:22:17 > 0:22:19I'm out of this game.
0:22:19 > 0:22:20APPLAUSE
0:22:20 > 0:22:22There we have it.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26That's right, the father of meteorology thought that
0:22:26 > 0:22:29the dinosaurs were too big for Noah's Ark.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31When does the weekend start?
0:22:31 > 0:22:33- Here!- Here!
0:22:33 > 0:22:34BUZZER ALARM
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Nooo!
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Oh, Alan, wrong.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42THEY LAUGH
0:22:42 > 0:22:47I'm speaking in what historians use as that rather annoying present tense, that they say,
0:22:47 > 0:22:50"And the World War starts in 1914,"
0:22:50 > 0:22:52and the weekend starts...
0:22:52 > 0:22:54In other words, it's historian's past tense...
0:22:54 > 0:22:56No, the one that I really hate is the columnists,
0:22:56 > 0:22:58when they're going somewhere,
0:22:58 > 0:23:00and they always put, "To the awards at the Dorchester..."
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Oh, yes. So annoying, isn't it?
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Also being "caught up" - they interview someone and say,
0:23:05 > 0:23:09"I finally caught up with him in the rehearsal rooms of..."
0:23:09 > 0:23:13You didn't catch up with him, you arranged to meet, precisely there.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15This idea that you were running round going, "Where is he?
0:23:15 > 0:23:17"I'm going to catch up with him!"
0:23:17 > 0:23:19- But a worse one than that... - Preposterous!
0:23:19 > 0:23:23I gave an interview to a journalist once who was late, wasn't his fault, but he was late,
0:23:23 > 0:23:26and I said to him, "Are you going to have enough? You've got to write quite a lot."
0:23:26 > 0:23:28And he said, "Oh, I don't know..."
0:23:28 > 0:23:32I said, "If you think of anything you wanted to ask me, just give me a ring and we'll..."
0:23:32 > 0:23:35So he rang me the next day, and he left a message, and I rang him back.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38Anyway, when they put the article in the magazine, they put,
0:23:38 > 0:23:40"A few days after this interview, Davies calls me..."
0:23:40 > 0:23:41STEPHEN GASPS
0:23:41 > 0:23:42What ch...
0:23:42 > 0:23:45- "He wants to talk about the gig I saw him do at such-and-such a venue..."- What?!
0:23:45 > 0:23:48"It's playing on his..." I didn't fucking call you!
0:23:48 > 0:23:49LAUGHTER
0:23:51 > 0:23:53You were late, you useless shitbag!
0:23:56 > 0:23:57Like I was desperate, I was so...
0:23:57 > 0:24:01Pacing about thinking, "Oh, my God, I'd better call him about the gig."
0:24:01 > 0:24:02"Davies calls me"!
0:24:02 > 0:24:05"Davies calls me and climbs halfway up the ladder."
0:24:06 > 0:24:07"Looks like rain again."
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Ohh, dear.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12"A few days later, Davies punches me in the face."
0:24:15 > 0:24:17- Hashtag #celebrityproblems.- Yeah.
0:24:17 > 0:24:18Erm... It's...
0:24:18 > 0:24:21It's 15 years ago, it still pisses me off!
0:24:21 > 0:24:24THEY LAUGH
0:24:24 > 0:24:26APPLAUSE
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Oh, dear!
0:24:28 > 0:24:30So, yeah, the weekend starting now.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Well, it is actually a fairly modern concept...
0:24:33 > 0:24:34- Is it?- ..ish, yeah.
0:24:34 > 0:24:38Yeah, in The Ragged-Trousered Philanthropists,
0:24:38 > 0:24:41they work six days a week, they don't work on Sunday, of course.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44And then they have one day's holiday a year.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46- Yeah.- And they go on a beano to Margate
0:24:46 > 0:24:48- and get completely wankered.- Mmm.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Magnificent work. It is a great...
0:24:51 > 0:24:54- No, it is a great novel, it's a truly great novel.- Brilliant book.
0:24:54 > 0:24:58Robert Tressell wrote that, didn't he, just after the invention, if you like, of the weekend.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Before, for 300 years at least,
0:25:00 > 0:25:03there'd been what was known as Saint Monday,
0:25:03 > 0:25:07which was very much a holy day for workers on which they didn't work.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10- Like a bank holiday. - Yeah, every Monday.
0:25:10 > 0:25:11It started in the 17th century,
0:25:11 > 0:25:14you spent Monday with friends drinking and socialising.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17I always feel slightly cheated if it's a bank holiday
0:25:17 > 0:25:20and I haven't realised. About 12 o'clock, Spartacus comes on
0:25:20 > 0:25:22and I go, "There's no-one on the streets."
0:25:22 > 0:25:24THEY LAUGH
0:25:24 > 0:25:27"Spartacus is on. It's got to be a bank holiday."
0:25:27 > 0:25:30I have to phone my friends with jobs and go, "Is it a bank holiday?"
0:25:30 > 0:25:32"Yeah, it is."
0:25:32 > 0:25:34"Never had a job, you dick."
0:25:36 > 0:25:40Yeah, after the Industrial Revolution introduced regular working hours,
0:25:40 > 0:25:43factory workers adapted by routinely taking Monday off.
0:25:43 > 0:25:47Those who DID turn up to work on Monday usually got sent home from factories
0:25:47 > 0:25:49- cos there weren't enough people manning the machines.- Wow.
0:25:49 > 0:25:53- Yeah, surprising, isn't it? - But a lot of people are still playing into that culture.
0:25:53 > 0:25:54Yes, they are!
0:25:54 > 0:25:58But, yeah, the weekend was introduced as a compromise from employers
0:25:58 > 0:26:01to overcome this Saint Monday business, and they gave...
0:26:01 > 0:26:04- Half of Saturday was off. - Half of Saturday.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07- And that's why football was a big thing.- Yes, that's exactly right.
0:26:07 > 0:26:11Because football was three o'clock on a Saturday afternoon, so the factories would empty and...
0:26:11 > 0:26:15Then they had Sunday off, so they had a day and a half that just became the weekend,
0:26:15 > 0:26:17and then that slowly became the whole Saturday.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19And that's why Saturday night became the big boozy night,
0:26:19 > 0:26:22- cos you couldn't drink on a Sunday cos of God.- Mmm, that's right.
0:26:22 > 0:26:27- God was inflicted on people as a punishment for trying to have a nice time on their day off.- Precisely!
0:26:28 > 0:26:31"No, no, no, you've got to think about God, dress up and..."
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Yeah. Thing is...
0:26:33 > 0:26:34LAUGHTER
0:26:34 > 0:26:36- I don't think that's... - Shops weren't open until 1994.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38- Those were the days.- Cor!
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Those were the days, when you couldn't get bread or milk,
0:26:41 > 0:26:42I used to love those days.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Yes, thank God it's Friday,
0:26:44 > 0:26:47but thank Saint Monday that you get the weekends off.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Now, I'm going to do something with my mouth.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51What do you think?
0:26:51 > 0:26:53HE INHALES TWICE
0:26:53 > 0:26:54Yes or no?
0:26:54 > 0:26:55Er, yes.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Yes is right.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59- Oh, phew!- That was yes.
0:26:59 > 0:27:00THEY LAUGH
0:27:01 > 0:27:02Well done.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05In the Swedish town of Umea, that is "yes," to go...
0:27:05 > 0:27:06HE INHALES TWICE
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Which you can sort of do in English, going...
0:27:08 > 0:27:10RAPIDLY INHALES: "Yeah, yeah, yeah..."
0:27:10 > 0:27:13- Oh, that's their way of saying yes? - Yeah, their way of saying yes.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16What's interesting is the idea that there may or may not be
0:27:16 > 0:27:19a universal way of signalling yes or no.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Darwin was very interested in the idea,
0:27:21 > 0:27:24and he looked all over the world to the different cultures to see
0:27:24 > 0:27:27whether they nodded and shook for yes and no.
0:27:27 > 0:27:31Mostly, it seems that nodding for yes and shaking for no...
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Shaking for Timotei.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Yeah, indeed, in the middle.
0:27:35 > 0:27:36And nodding for dandruff.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38But there's a reason, some people think,
0:27:38 > 0:27:41why it may be that there's a "yes" and a "no."
0:27:41 > 0:27:43The babies, if you offer them food and they don't want it,
0:27:43 > 0:27:45- what do they do?- Yeah, they...
0:27:45 > 0:27:47They turn their head away, they do that.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49It's a shaking of the head, if you like, a kind of...
0:27:49 > 0:27:52- I never do that. - And if they want... No!
0:27:52 > 0:27:55If they want food...
0:27:55 > 0:27:56LAUGHTER
0:27:56 > 0:27:58Oh, dear!
0:27:59 > 0:28:02..they incline their heads if they want food.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05They seem to incline their heads, generally speaking, around the world.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08Is it, do you know, well, you grew up in Democratic Republic of Congo,
0:28:08 > 0:28:11is there a "yes" and "no" head-shaking thing?
0:28:11 > 0:28:13You know, my friend was in Ethiopia,
0:28:13 > 0:28:15and she said she was at a restaurant,
0:28:15 > 0:28:17and the guy was asking, "What foods do you have?"
0:28:17 > 0:28:19- And he just kept going... - HE SQUEAKS
0:28:19 > 0:28:21- "Do you have any...?" - HE SQUEAKS
0:28:21 > 0:28:23So she's like, "I think he's having a panic attack!"
0:28:23 > 0:28:25He goes, "No, they've got everything on the list."
0:28:25 > 0:28:28- Literally, that was yes, their way of saying yes was... - HE SQUEAKS
0:28:28 > 0:28:31But in Africa in general, including Congo,
0:28:31 > 0:28:33we have sound effects that we use.
0:28:33 > 0:28:35You know, your mum, when she's going, "Ah-ha!",
0:28:35 > 0:28:36it means she's agreeing.
0:28:36 > 0:28:39When she goes, "Ah-ah!" it means she doesn't want it.
0:28:39 > 0:28:43So, Dad will be like, "Darling, did you, you know, put the kids to bed?"
0:28:43 > 0:28:45And she's like, "Ah-ha."
0:28:45 > 0:28:47"So can you put me to bed?" "Ah-ah!"
0:28:47 > 0:28:49- Very dramatic. - And it literally is that, you see,
0:28:49 > 0:28:52you'll see a lot of Africans, when they're talking, it's like,
0:28:52 > 0:28:55"Ah-ah! Ah-ha!" "Ehh?" "Ohh!" "Ah-haaa!"
0:28:55 > 0:28:57LAUGHTER
0:28:57 > 0:28:58It looks like an argument,
0:28:58 > 0:29:00but they're having the most pleasant conversation.
0:29:02 > 0:29:06You mentioned Ethiopia there, cos actually, Darwin, one of the peoples he looked into were the Abyssinians,
0:29:06 > 0:29:11as they were then called, and they apparently said "no" by jerking the head to the right shoulder
0:29:11 > 0:29:13and making a slight cluck... HE CLUCKS HIS TONGUE
0:29:13 > 0:29:18..while "yes" was expressed by the head being thrown backwards and the eyebrows raised for an instant.
0:29:18 > 0:29:21But it's Bulgaria where the opposite is true,
0:29:21 > 0:29:24that a nod means "no" and a head-shake means "yes."
0:29:24 > 0:29:26What about if you're patting your head and rubbing your tummy?
0:29:26 > 0:29:28What does that mean?
0:29:29 > 0:29:31Too much time on your hands.
0:29:31 > 0:29:34It means, "I'm available but don't touch me."
0:29:34 > 0:29:35LAUGHTER
0:29:35 > 0:29:39Now, why do you never see a mongoose and a rat together?
0:29:39 > 0:29:41- Same person.- Yeah.
0:29:41 > 0:29:42BUZZER ALARM
0:29:45 > 0:29:48Oh! Oh, no!
0:29:48 > 0:29:52It was too good to be punished, I'm so sorry.
0:29:52 > 0:29:54- That's really sad. SARAH:- Do they just not get on?
0:29:54 > 0:29:56Well, we're talking about their lifestyles.
0:29:56 > 0:29:57Yeah.
0:29:57 > 0:29:59One is day, one is night?
0:29:59 > 0:30:00Exactly.
0:30:00 > 0:30:01SHE GASPS
0:30:01 > 0:30:03Rats are nocturnal, and mongoose...
0:30:03 > 0:30:08- Mongooses, mongeese, are diurnal, they...- Do they not, like, pass, like...
0:30:08 > 0:30:11One's like, "Night-night," and the other's like... Yeah, yeah.
0:30:11 > 0:30:13"Have a nice day - I've shat everywhere."
0:30:13 > 0:30:15LAUGHTER
0:30:16 > 0:30:19It was a particular issue in Hawaii.
0:30:19 > 0:30:21They had a rat infestation,
0:30:21 > 0:30:25so they decided to bring in some mongoose to deal with them.
0:30:25 > 0:30:28- But...- Playing the didgeridoo.
0:30:28 > 0:30:30LAUGHTER
0:30:30 > 0:30:32They brought in the mongoose to deal with the rat population,
0:30:32 > 0:30:34and of course it didn't work,
0:30:34 > 0:30:36because they lived at different times of day.
0:30:36 > 0:30:39And so the mongoose also fed on the natural endemic birds of Hawaii,
0:30:39 > 0:30:41and their populations went screaming down...
0:30:41 > 0:30:45- Somebody should have worked that out before they did that. - They should have done.
0:30:45 > 0:30:47It was in the early-ish, mid-19th century,
0:30:47 > 0:30:50when people were less knowledgeable about wildlife than they are now.
0:30:50 > 0:30:53The people of Samoa were about to introduce to mongoose
0:30:53 > 0:30:55to deal with their rat problem
0:30:55 > 0:30:59when a resident of Hawaii wrote to them and said, "Don't do this, it's destroyed our birdlife even more."
0:30:59 > 0:31:01So it saved Samoa.
0:31:01 > 0:31:04That's why they invented the moon, to get rid of the sun.
0:31:05 > 0:31:07LAUGHTER
0:31:11 > 0:31:13- I think you're onto something there. - Yeah.
0:31:13 > 0:31:15It's... I'm loving it.
0:31:15 > 0:31:17It was a mongoose that invented the moon.
0:31:17 > 0:31:19There's one bird which,
0:31:19 > 0:31:22surprisingly, they're very pleased has not thrived,
0:31:22 > 0:31:24or thriven, in Hawaii,
0:31:24 > 0:31:27and that's one of the most beautiful of all birds.
0:31:27 > 0:31:28- The dodo.- Peacock.
0:31:28 > 0:31:31- Not the dodo, that's not thriving anywhere. SARAH:- Flamingo. Tits.
0:31:31 > 0:31:34- EDDIE:- The robin.- Peacock. - The hummingbird, did you say?
0:31:34 > 0:31:37NO, I said robin, but, yeah, I'll take hummingbird.
0:31:36 > 0:31:38Hummingbird is the right answer, Eddie, well done.
0:31:38 > 0:31:42You'd think, why would anybody not want to have hummingbirds?
0:31:42 > 0:31:44But one of the main crops of Hawaii,
0:31:44 > 0:31:46- out of which they make a lot of money...- Pineapple.
0:31:46 > 0:31:48..is the pineapple, absolutely right.
0:31:48 > 0:31:53And hummingbirds are marvellous pollinators of pineapples,
0:31:53 > 0:31:57but unfortunately if you pollinate it, it's filled with seeds and is much less juicy and much less tasty.
0:31:57 > 0:31:59- Right.- So they don't want hummingbirds.
0:31:59 > 0:32:01I once ate a whole pineapple.
0:32:01 > 0:32:03- DID you?!- Yeah.
0:32:03 > 0:32:06- Not the skin, though? - No, no, I, like, you know...
0:32:06 > 0:32:08I cored it and stuff, I didn't, like, eat the whole thing, just...
0:32:08 > 0:32:09THEY LAUGH
0:32:09 > 0:32:11That's what I imagined.
0:32:11 > 0:32:14Just like that with the spiky top hanging out.
0:32:15 > 0:32:18- NOEL:- I thought like the Pope, you just fell over and swallowed...
0:32:18 > 0:32:20THEY LAUGH
0:32:20 > 0:32:23It was just after the Pope kissed her on the knockers.
0:32:23 > 0:32:26- That's how I celebrated. - "Imagine what I'd do with an entire pineapple!"
0:32:26 > 0:32:29Now, what could you learn from a meerkat?
0:32:29 > 0:32:30- EDDIE:- Oh...
0:32:30 > 0:32:32Oh! How to accessorise?
0:32:33 > 0:32:36Well, clearly, very beautifully clothed.
0:32:36 > 0:32:39- Not how to put mascara on. - No, that's not impressive, is it?
0:32:39 > 0:32:43Don't offer a cigarette to a drawing of a cat?
0:32:43 > 0:32:44No!
0:32:46 > 0:32:50THEY ALL LAUGH
0:32:53 > 0:32:55What are meerkats a type of?
0:32:55 > 0:32:57They're a type of meer, or possibly a type of kat.
0:32:57 > 0:32:59LAUGHTER
0:32:59 > 0:33:02- They're actually a sort of mongoose. - Mongoose.- Oh!- A sort of mongoose.
0:33:02 > 0:33:04- Do you know what they do? - Is a mongoose a goose?
0:33:04 > 0:33:06- The men fight... - What's that one doing?
0:33:07 > 0:33:11- What's he doing with his hands?! - He's meering! - EDDIE:- Impression of a mongoose.
0:33:11 > 0:33:14The males fight so that one becomes dominant, and then he has his pick
0:33:14 > 0:33:17of the females, and he thinks he's in charge, and he'll usually
0:33:17 > 0:33:20drive out the second most dominant one, and then he'll live on his own.
0:33:20 > 0:33:23But the women sneak out to see him.
0:33:23 > 0:33:25Oh, that's very sweet.
0:33:25 > 0:33:28And that's how they keep mixing up the genes, you know?
0:33:28 > 0:33:30- Yes, getting a diverse pool. - The women sneak out.
0:33:30 > 0:33:32I saw, there was a whole programme about it. It's quite funny.
0:33:32 > 0:33:34They had quite funny little footage
0:33:34 > 0:33:36of the women kind of sneaking out of the camp.
0:33:36 > 0:33:39- Like, climbing down, like, knotted sort of... - Yeah, basically, yeah!
0:33:39 > 0:33:42And then she met up with Brian or whatever, and they did it,
0:33:42 > 0:33:45they literally did it in a bush!
0:33:45 > 0:33:46LAUGHTER
0:33:46 > 0:33:49And then she went back to camp as if nothing had happened!
0:33:49 > 0:33:51No woman would sneak out for a Brian!
0:33:51 > 0:33:52No?!
0:33:52 > 0:33:55- We're quite choosy. - Animal magnetism.
0:33:55 > 0:33:57Animal magnetism. That's the one.
0:33:57 > 0:34:01The question asked was, "What do we learn from meerkats?"
0:34:01 > 0:34:05- Well, if it's a driving instructor, it'll be driving.- Yes...
0:34:07 > 0:34:11Let's...let's suppose it isn't a driving instructor.
0:34:11 > 0:34:14- Let's suppose they're in the wild, in Africa.- Is it a danger thing?
0:34:14 > 0:34:17We learnt they're one of the very few animals,
0:34:17 > 0:34:20other than human beings, who teach their young.
0:34:20 > 0:34:23- Oh, they have classes. - Kind of do, yeah.
0:34:23 > 0:34:26Ah! Little books and things.
0:34:26 > 0:34:30They sacrifice time and effort, with no apparent gain to self, to teach.
0:34:30 > 0:34:32That one's a supply teacher.
0:34:32 > 0:34:34LAUGHTER
0:34:35 > 0:34:36He's got that look!
0:34:36 > 0:34:39They also gradually make their lessons harder for their pupil.
0:34:39 > 0:34:41One of the things they have to teach them,
0:34:41 > 0:34:44for example, is how to deal with a scorpion.
0:34:44 > 0:34:47So they start by giving them a scorpion that's dead,
0:34:47 > 0:34:50- then a live one with no sting. - Oh, my God!
0:34:50 > 0:34:53And then, finally, as you can see - there it is watching -
0:34:53 > 0:34:55making sure that it's all going well,
0:34:55 > 0:34:58if the scorpion escapes, it pushes it back in.
0:34:58 > 0:35:01And then eventually they give one a scorpion with a sting,
0:35:01 > 0:35:03so that they make sure their young pup...
0:35:03 > 0:35:05The last lesson is, "Don't get in that square with a scorpion!"
0:35:05 > 0:35:08Yeah! LAUGHTER
0:35:08 > 0:35:10But I think it's rather...
0:35:10 > 0:35:12If you see a square with a scorpion in it, go round it.
0:35:14 > 0:35:16It is pretty impressive, isn't it?
0:35:16 > 0:35:20It's amazing! And do any of the young die?
0:35:20 > 0:35:21I think they're such good teachers,
0:35:21 > 0:35:24- they know exactly what they're doing.- Really?- Yeah.
0:35:24 > 0:35:26They don't give them a live one, even WITHOUT a sting,
0:35:26 > 0:35:28until they're absolutely sure they can cope.
0:35:28 > 0:35:32- And you would start on, like, your least favourite bairn. Wouldn't you? - Yes!
0:35:32 > 0:35:33While you were learning how to teach.
0:35:33 > 0:35:37"He's boring, let's do him first. He's lazy."
0:35:37 > 0:35:40And you'd keep your good bairn for the end.
0:35:40 > 0:35:42Are you saying there's no bad students, only bad teachers?
0:35:42 > 0:35:45I mean, imagine that. "You are ready." G-doong!
0:35:45 > 0:35:47"Oh, you weren't ready, shit!"
0:35:50 > 0:35:51"Brian!"
0:35:51 > 0:35:55"I said a scorpion with no tail! Oh, God!"
0:35:57 > 0:35:59But other animals teach. I mean, it seems that
0:35:59 > 0:36:02formal teaching is clear in the ant world.
0:36:02 > 0:36:04They engage in tandem running,
0:36:04 > 0:36:07whereby a leader guides a pupil to a food store
0:36:07 > 0:36:08like that. There we are.
0:36:08 > 0:36:10The leader adjusts its speed of running, even though
0:36:10 > 0:36:13it means getting to the food four times more slowly
0:36:13 > 0:36:15just so the little one can catch up.
0:36:15 > 0:36:17So you can see it's very clearly leading it,
0:36:17 > 0:36:19and the other one's following.
0:36:19 > 0:36:22They also count their strides to measure how far they've travelled.
0:36:22 > 0:36:25It's easier on that cos they're on squared paper.
0:36:25 > 0:36:27LAUGHTER
0:36:30 > 0:36:32"This is a grid. Shit!"
0:36:34 > 0:36:37Well, we've much to learn from ants and much to learn from meerkats.
0:36:37 > 0:36:39And so to the fearful mess that we call General Ignorance.
0:36:39 > 0:36:44Fingers on buzzers, please. How can I tell the age of this tree?
0:36:44 > 0:36:47- Chop it down. - CRASH!
0:36:47 > 0:36:50- Yeah, count the rings. - KLAXON Oh!
0:36:50 > 0:36:52- Is that not right? - Well, not really, no.
0:36:52 > 0:36:55It's a sort of rough guide, but it doesn't really tell you the age.
0:36:55 > 0:36:58- Well, it's still a rough guide. Maybe that's all I'm after! - LAUGHTER
0:36:58 > 0:37:00It's not all...
0:37:00 > 0:37:03Maybe I don't care about accuracy, Stephen! Maybe I've got shit to do!
0:37:03 > 0:37:05Did the question say...? LAUGHTER
0:37:07 > 0:37:10I'm afraid the answer is extremely annoying.
0:37:10 > 0:37:12There are some years when it doesn't put down rings
0:37:12 > 0:37:15and other years when it puts down two, even three rings.
0:37:15 > 0:37:17So it's very hard to tell precisely.
0:37:17 > 0:37:19- Wow. As it's getting older, it starts lying.- Yeah.
0:37:19 > 0:37:20Not putting a ring down.
0:37:20 > 0:37:23"Yeah, I'm doing it, I'm doing it.
0:37:23 > 0:37:26"This ran out years ago, mate.
0:37:26 > 0:37:27"32 again!"
0:37:32 > 0:37:36Dendrochronologists give a very annoying answer.
0:37:36 > 0:37:39They say the most reliable way to tell the age of a tree
0:37:39 > 0:37:42- is to find out when it was planted.- Yeah(!)
0:37:42 > 0:37:45- Oh, shut up!- I know! It's not my answer, it's their answer.
0:37:45 > 0:37:46- Passport!- Yeah!
0:37:46 > 0:37:48But some are a little too old to be able to do that.
0:37:48 > 0:37:51In 2012 there was a seed,
0:37:51 > 0:37:52that was the oldest seed ever known
0:37:52 > 0:37:56successfully to germinate. How old do you think it was?
0:37:56 > 0:37:58- DECISIVELY:- 1 million years!
0:37:58 > 0:38:02- No.- You said it like an evil genius there!
0:38:02 > 0:38:04"Mr Bond"(!) No,
0:38:04 > 0:38:06it wasn't a million years...
0:38:06 > 0:38:07- 36...- 32,000.- Oh.
0:38:07 > 0:38:09- You were going to say 36,000?- Yeah.
0:38:09 > 0:38:12It was 32,000. So you were jolly close.
0:38:12 > 0:38:14They used carbon dating and that sort of thing.
0:38:14 > 0:38:1730 metres below the Siberian ice it was discovered,
0:38:17 > 0:38:20in a fossilised squirrel burrow.
0:38:20 > 0:38:24So it was probably buried there by a squirrel.
0:38:24 > 0:38:26How annoyed would that squirrel be?
0:38:26 > 0:38:31There was one in 2008 - a 2,000-year-old seed grew, and you may say that's not so impressive
0:38:31 > 0:38:35but it sprouted into an extinct date palm.
0:38:35 > 0:38:37- So that was rather wonderful. SARAH:- Wow!
0:38:37 > 0:38:40A new species came back to life. Yeah.
0:38:40 > 0:38:42Now, what colour is the moon?
0:38:42 > 0:38:44CRASH!
0:38:44 > 0:38:46Black.
0:38:46 > 0:38:48LAUGHTER
0:38:51 > 0:38:54OK! Well...
0:38:54 > 0:38:55The dark side of the moon.
0:38:55 > 0:38:58- I'll accept black, cos it's... - The dark side of the moon.
0:38:58 > 0:39:01- Well, the sides are all the same colour.- I know!- It's a nice thought, dark side of the moon.
0:39:01 > 0:39:05- But actually, all the moon is very, very dark grey.- Yes.
0:39:05 > 0:39:08Basically kind of charcoal. Almost black.
0:39:08 > 0:39:11Not a light grey and not a silvery colour. I mean, of course we get light...
0:39:11 > 0:39:13It's weird, cos you can't get grey cheese.
0:39:13 > 0:39:14LAUGHTER
0:39:17 > 0:39:20Right. I hadn't thought of that.
0:39:20 > 0:39:22Yeah.
0:39:22 > 0:39:24It's quite bright, but not as bright as the Earth.
0:39:24 > 0:39:26A full Earth seen from the moon
0:39:26 > 0:39:27is a lot brighter
0:39:27 > 0:39:29than a full moon seen from the Earth.
0:39:29 > 0:39:31That's cos people leave their lights on.
0:39:31 > 0:39:33That's probably the reason, yeah, yeah.
0:39:33 > 0:39:37So the moon is very dark grey. But - what colour is the sun?
0:39:38 > 0:39:42I've heard it's...green.
0:39:43 > 0:39:44- Not bad...- Tartan?
0:39:46 > 0:39:50Oh, you were doing so well, Noel. Tartan(!)
0:39:51 > 0:39:54Well, on the Farrow and Ball colour chart...
0:39:54 > 0:39:56- Yes?- ..it's mushroom.
0:39:57 > 0:40:00Well, it is actually a kind of turquoise, so green is not bad.
0:40:00 > 0:40:02- Is it?- It's bluey-green.- Turquoise?
0:40:02 > 0:40:05- It emits photons of all the colours. - Like a blue flame.
0:40:05 > 0:40:08But slightly more blue-green photons than any other,
0:40:08 > 0:40:10- so it is, you know, a slightly blue/green tint.- That is not fair.
0:40:10 > 0:40:14- The moon and the sun are just playing with us.- Well, yes!
0:40:14 > 0:40:18- It would actually look white from space, more or less totally white. - Right.
0:40:18 > 0:40:22- As it does at noon if you looked at it from the ground.- Like a star. - But don't, obviously.
0:40:22 > 0:40:24Yeah, the sun is white with a hint of turquoise.
0:40:24 > 0:40:26What is "agoraphobia"?
0:40:27 > 0:40:30Ah, now, that's... Now, hang on...
0:40:30 > 0:40:33"Wait a second, I'm not going to get suckered into this!"
0:40:33 > 0:40:36You've spelt it different or something, have you?
0:40:36 > 0:40:39- No...- It's a bit like when Phil Brown said, "Why does Andrea Pirlo
0:40:39 > 0:40:43"not leave Italy and play in the Premier League?
0:40:43 > 0:40:47"Why does he want to stay in Italy? Is it because he's homophobic?"
0:40:47 > 0:40:48LAUGHTER
0:40:50 > 0:40:54He thought "homophobic" meant he was afraid of leaving home!
0:40:56 > 0:40:59- Well, it kind of makes sense. - Out loud, on live radio.
0:40:59 > 0:41:01It was absolutely brilliant.
0:41:01 > 0:41:04Is it a fear of really fluffy rabbits?
0:41:04 > 0:41:06No! "Angoraphobia", very good.
0:41:06 > 0:41:08Thanks.
0:41:08 > 0:41:11- Agoraphobia...?- Yeah. Most people think "agoraphobia"
0:41:11 > 0:41:13means a fear of open spaces.
0:41:13 > 0:41:15"Agora" is the Greek for the marketplace,
0:41:15 > 0:41:17the equivalent of the Roman forum, it's the open place.
0:41:17 > 0:41:19But apparently in psychiatry,
0:41:19 > 0:41:23agoraphobia can be a fear of any kind of space you don't like.
0:41:23 > 0:41:26So claustrophobia is a kind of agoraphobia.
0:41:26 > 0:41:27Other phobias...
0:41:27 > 0:41:32Do you know, according to the Stress Management Center and Phobia Institute in North Carolina,
0:41:32 > 0:41:3580% of high-rise buildings in America do not have what?
0:41:35 > 0:41:37Windows.
0:41:37 > 0:41:39No. 80%...
0:41:39 > 0:41:40A lift.
0:41:40 > 0:41:43- We're talking about phobias...? - A 13th floor.
0:41:43 > 0:41:4680% of buildings in America do not have a 13th floor.
0:41:46 > 0:41:50So what happens when they come here? Americans, and they see, like, "13th floor."
0:41:50 > 0:41:52- "I'm not staying in this hotel!" - No, they won't.
0:41:52 > 0:41:57Or at least they won't want to be on the 13th floor, they won't want the room on the 13th floor.
0:41:57 > 0:41:59"You're principally unlucky... because you're American."
0:41:59 > 0:42:00LAUGHTER
0:42:00 > 0:42:02Now...!
0:42:03 > 0:42:06APPLAUSE
0:42:08 > 0:42:11Alfred Hitchcock had a very powerful fear - of...?
0:42:11 > 0:42:13There is a word for it.
0:42:13 > 0:42:15- Hummus. - LAUGHTER
0:42:15 > 0:42:17Might as well have been.
0:42:17 > 0:42:21It was alektorophobia. "Alektorophobia", not "electro-".
0:42:21 > 0:42:24- It's all the more extraordinary that he made the film The Birds... - People called Alec.
0:42:24 > 0:42:29No, not people called Alec. It's not a fear of birds, but it's a fear of something birds produce.
0:42:29 > 0:42:32- Eggs.- Eggs, he had a fear of eggs.
0:42:32 > 0:42:35- Never ate one...- Really? He used to weep around omelettes.
0:42:35 > 0:42:37He actually looks scared in that picture,
0:42:37 > 0:42:39as if you'd shown him the eggs.
0:42:39 > 0:42:43- I'd be scared if an egg that size was coming...- That's true, it's a big egg.
0:42:43 > 0:42:47And all that's left now is the rather messy business of the scores.
0:42:47 > 0:42:49HE GASPS DRAMATICALLY
0:42:49 > 0:42:51I've got a fear of the scores.
0:42:51 > 0:42:53Well, don't have, because...
0:42:53 > 0:42:58in last place, with minus 15 is Sarah Millican, I'm afraid!
0:42:58 > 0:42:59APPLAUSE
0:43:03 > 0:43:07In third place, with a jolly minus 14, is Noel Fielding!
0:43:07 > 0:43:09APPLAUSE
0:43:12 > 0:43:16With a highly impressive minus 4, in second place, Eddie Kadi.
0:43:16 > 0:43:18APPLAUSE
0:43:20 > 0:43:23It can only mean one astonishing thing.
0:43:23 > 0:43:26In first place, with minus 1, Alan Davies.
0:43:26 > 0:43:28CHEERING
0:43:33 > 0:43:35Well!
0:43:37 > 0:43:39That's this mess cleaned up.
0:43:39 > 0:43:42So we thank Eddie, Noel, Sarah, Alan and me.
0:43:42 > 0:43:45In the words of that prolific writer, Anne Onymous,
0:43:45 > 0:43:47"Chaos, panic and disorder.
0:43:47 > 0:43:50"My work here is done." Goodnight.
0:43:50 > 0:43:52APPLAUSE AND CHEERING