0:00:10 > 0:00:13This programme contains some strong language
0:00:26 > 0:00:28APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Goooooood evening,
0:00:33 > 0:00:35good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:35 > 0:00:37and welcome to QI,
0:00:37 > 0:00:40where, tonight, we're mixing and matching
0:00:40 > 0:00:44a medley of things beginning with M.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Now, let's meet our makers.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48The matchless James Acaster.
0:00:48 > 0:00:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:52 > 0:00:54The match-fit Jo Brand.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:57 > 0:01:01The match made in heaven, Bill Bailey.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:04 > 0:01:06And...
0:01:06 > 0:01:08match abandoned, Alan Davies.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:13 > 0:01:17So, let's hear you mix. James goes...
0:01:17 > 0:01:22EGG BEING BEATEN
0:01:22 > 0:01:24- That's mixing.- Is it?
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Yeah, you're beating an egg, I think.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29- Beating something. - LAUGHTER
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Now.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33You're on your first warning. LAUGHTER
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Jo goes...
0:01:35 > 0:01:39ELECTRIC WHISK WHIRS
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Yes, that's masturbation as I know it.
0:01:41 > 0:01:46LAUGHTER
0:01:46 > 0:01:49I'd love to know what the machine is, wouldn't you?
0:01:49 > 0:01:52LAUGHTER
0:01:52 > 0:01:53Bill goes...
0:01:53 > 0:01:56TURNTABLE SCRATCHES
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Ah, yeah. I like it, yes.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00That's masturbation as I know it.
0:02:00 > 0:02:06LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:06 > 0:02:08So, three mixes and Alan goes...
0:02:08 > 0:02:13MATCH OF THE DAY THEME PLAYS
0:02:13 > 0:02:15- Ah, you see.- A match.- Yeah.
0:02:15 > 0:02:16So, on with the game.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Now our first "M" tonight is "M" for metals.
0:02:19 > 0:02:24Can you see anything on this board here that does not contain metal?
0:02:24 > 0:02:26- Oh.- You've got a mushroom,
0:02:26 > 0:02:28a balloon, a stack of coins,
0:02:28 > 0:02:32a monkey, a star, an Alan Davies...
0:02:32 > 0:02:34- of some kind.- An Alan Davies.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Well, bodies do contain metal, so it can't be...
0:02:37 > 0:02:39- They do.- It can't be you...
0:02:39 > 0:02:42- Alan, you contain metal. - Yes.- You do.- I do.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44- Enough iron to make a nail. - Alan specifically?
0:02:44 > 0:02:45LAUGHTER
0:02:45 > 0:02:47- Yeah, just Alan. - Just Alan. He can make a nail.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49But, no, that's right, isn't it?
0:02:49 > 0:02:51The body contains enough iron to make a nail -
0:02:51 > 0:02:54phosphorus, carbon, water...
0:02:54 > 0:02:56- Magnesium.- Lime.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58- Gold, actually.- A person...
0:02:58 > 0:03:01You could boil it down to a half-decent kids' party.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03LAUGHTER
0:03:03 > 0:03:06You could get a paddling pool, some fireworks and a tequila slammer.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09- All inside us, churning away. - All inside. So, it can't be Alan.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11No, it's not me. And I don't... I'm...
0:03:11 > 0:03:13- Now, look...- Now.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16- Things that grow probably have got metal in them...- Yes.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18- ..that's my thinking.- Yeah.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20The fact is, you've brilliantly avoided everything,
0:03:20 > 0:03:23cos all those things contain metals.
0:03:23 > 0:03:24When the universe was created...
0:03:24 > 0:03:264,000 years ago...
0:03:26 > 0:03:29- 4,000 years ago, as it says in the Bible.- ..by our Lord.
0:03:29 > 0:03:30LAUGHTER
0:03:30 > 0:03:33..only two elements were created at that time.
0:03:33 > 0:03:34Gold and silver.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36- LAUGHTER - Yes.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39- It was...- Frankincense and myrrh.
0:03:39 > 0:03:40Cheese and pickle.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43- They are still the most abundant elements in the universe.- Helium!
0:03:43 > 0:03:4599% of the universe is composed of?
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Helium and sarcasm.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50LAUGHTER
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Helium and...
0:03:52 > 0:03:53Hydrogen?
0:03:53 > 0:03:55- Hydrogen is correct.- Yes.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58And then the first two elements to be created,
0:03:58 > 0:04:00after hydrogen and helium,
0:04:00 > 0:04:01which are both gases,
0:04:01 > 0:04:03were both metals.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Imagine God was rather depressed by having created the universe.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09- A knife.- I should think he bloody well was. I would be.- Yeah.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11So, if you're depressed, what's the metal you'd go for?
0:04:11 > 0:04:12- Lithium.- Lithium.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Lithium was one of them, and the other was beryllium.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17- Oh, beryllium.- Beryllium, I love that one.- Beryllium.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19And how were they created? What was the process?
0:04:19 > 0:04:21It was in the stars.
0:04:21 > 0:04:22- Fusion?- Fusion.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24- You're on fire.- Crikey!
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Like the stars, very good.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30APPLAUSE Yeah.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33And in that fusion, EVERYTHING was made.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36And we are, as Carl Sagan famously said, we are made of star stuff.
0:04:36 > 0:04:40We are made of the stuff that was created in those fusion moments.
0:04:40 > 0:04:41Yes, we are.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45And astronomers call anything that isn't the first two,
0:04:45 > 0:04:48hydrogen and helium, a metal -
0:04:48 > 0:04:50even if it's oxygen.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Are some people made of heavy metal?
0:04:52 > 0:04:53LAUGHTER
0:04:53 > 0:04:55- Yeah.- Lemmy.- Lemmy.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Lemmy from Motorhead.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Death metal. That's a good one.
0:04:59 > 0:05:00Yeah. Thrash metal.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Nu metal, when I was a teenager.
0:05:02 > 0:05:03What's nu metal?
0:05:03 > 0:05:05It was rap and metal together.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07It went very badly.
0:05:07 > 0:05:08LAUGHTER
0:05:08 > 0:05:10- Yeah, there was quite a lot of... - TURNTABLE SCRATCHES
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Quite a lot of that in it, yeah.
0:05:12 > 0:05:17There was one I was told about that was a mixture of techno and disco...
0:05:17 > 0:05:19and it was called Tesco.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21LAUGHTER
0:05:21 > 0:05:22Then there was Valium metal,
0:05:22 > 0:05:24and Tesco's own-brand metal.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26LAUGHTER
0:05:26 > 0:05:29Yeah, the human body contains a lot of metal, even gold.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32How many human beings
0:05:32 > 0:05:34would you need to extract the gold from
0:05:34 > 0:05:37before you could make, of them, a gold coin?
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Just Mr T.
0:05:39 > 0:05:40LAUGHTER
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Yes, just that, yeah.
0:05:42 > 0:05:43Very good, that's true.
0:05:43 > 0:05:44Normal humans.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46- One million humans.- No.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48- One billion humans.- No, it's...
0:05:48 > 0:05:4947.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52- Six. - LAUGHTER
0:05:52 > 0:05:54This could take a long time. 40,000.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56And how many different metals have we got inside us?
0:05:56 > 0:05:5772.
0:05:57 > 0:05:5947.
0:05:59 > 0:06:00Very close, it's 48!
0:06:00 > 0:06:03APPLAUSE
0:06:03 > 0:06:04- Whoa!- On fire!
0:06:04 > 0:06:07- Amazing.- On fire!
0:06:07 > 0:06:08In your face!
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Did you just point at Alan and say, "Eat it"?
0:06:11 > 0:06:12No.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14No, I pointed at him and went, "On fire!"
0:06:14 > 0:06:16- Oh, "On fire."- "On fire!"
0:06:16 > 0:06:17It's most impressive.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19And you're all right, in many ways.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22To astronomers, anything that isn't hydrogen or helium is a metal.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26Even apparently normal metals can be quite deceptive,
0:06:26 > 0:06:27as this trick shows.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30I'm going to get a glass of water,
0:06:30 > 0:06:33and I'll get a teaspoon.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37- Right.- Oh, I'll just... To prove that it is water, I'll drink it.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39That just proves it might be vodka.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41LAUGHTER
0:06:41 > 0:06:45- It proves at least that it's not sulphuric acid or something...- Yeah.
0:06:45 > 0:06:46..because what I'm going to do
0:06:46 > 0:06:48is try and make this teaspoon disappear.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52It may not work.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54I'm not a good magician,
0:06:54 > 0:06:56I'm a great magician.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58And so we stir it here and I...
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Oh, don't, Oh, no...
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Oh, it might not work, it might work, I don't know.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06I'm, oh...
0:07:06 > 0:07:08- Yeah, it seems to have worked.- Ooh.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10AUDIENCE GASPS
0:07:10 > 0:07:12APPLAUSE
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Wow!
0:07:14 > 0:07:17There you are. Thank you.
0:07:17 > 0:07:18That's rather good, isn't it?
0:07:18 > 0:07:20- Rather good.- That's good.- That is.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22In fact, on this occasion, it wasn't a magic trick,
0:07:22 > 0:07:24and it's something you can do.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27I'll give you your water and you'll notice the water is rather warm.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30- Oh, it's warm. - It's warm water.- Warm water.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32And I'll give you a couple of spoons.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34They are metal, they're metal spoons, but the metal...
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Are they made out of Alka-Seltzer?
0:07:36 > 0:07:37LAUGHTER
0:07:37 > 0:07:40They might as well be - they're made out of gallium.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43And gallium is a metal...
0:07:43 > 0:07:44A very useful metal.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47- Let's have a look.- ..but it has the quality that it melts,
0:07:47 > 0:07:51- as Alan is showing, in water. - Good Lord.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Oh, you wouldn't want that of your teaspoon, would you?
0:07:53 > 0:07:55No, it wouldn't make a practical teaspoon.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59- That's lasting less time than a biscuit.- Yeah.
0:07:59 > 0:08:00- That's it.- Look at that.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Now, if you stir it,
0:08:02 > 0:08:04it'll happen more quickly.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06- Oh, good Lord, look at that. - Ah, jeez.- That is...
0:08:06 > 0:08:09That would be the most annoying teaspoon in the world.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11- It really would, wouldn't it? - Now, oh.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13But it's, like, Terminator's teaspoon.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Yeah, exactly. Terminator 2, it should be said.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Yes. Terminator two-spoon.
0:08:19 > 0:08:20Hey!
0:08:20 > 0:08:23- Well, I hope you're impressed with that.- Wow.- I'm very impressed.- Yeah.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27- It's not poisonous, gallium, so you can drink it again.- I shan't.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30LAUGHTER OK. You can put your glasses away.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32There you are, top man.
0:08:32 > 0:08:33"Mmm, delicious."
0:08:33 > 0:08:35LAUGHTER
0:08:35 > 0:08:36OK, pop away.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Er...gallium.
0:08:38 > 0:08:42- Gallium was discovered in the 19th century by a Frenchman...- Yes...
0:08:42 > 0:08:43..called Lecoq.
0:08:43 > 0:08:44Oh...
0:08:44 > 0:08:49And he called it gallium because he was French
0:08:49 > 0:08:51- and he wanted to be patriotic.- Gaul.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Yeah. Exactly, as in our word "Gallic."
0:08:54 > 0:08:58But also, there's another word which means "cockerel,"
0:08:58 > 0:08:59- Oh.- Which is "gallus,"
0:08:59 > 0:09:03so he called gallium after himself as well as after his country.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05- So he was modest. - He was modest, exactly.
0:09:05 > 0:09:06LAUGHTER
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Staying with valuable metals,
0:09:08 > 0:09:13though, what use did the world's richest man have for wide trousers?
0:09:16 > 0:09:18ELECTRIC WHISK WHIRS Yeah?
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Did he have very fat ankles?
0:09:20 > 0:09:21LAUGHTER
0:09:21 > 0:09:24That would be useful. Who was the world's richest man?
0:09:24 > 0:09:27- That's what we have to discover. - Is he alive today?
0:09:27 > 0:09:28- No.- Was he a Greek bloke?
0:09:28 > 0:09:30- Was it...- No.- ..Rockefeller?
0:09:30 > 0:09:31Wasn't Croesus, wasn't Rockefeller.
0:09:31 > 0:09:36But it has been calculated, quite recently in fact, that this
0:09:36 > 0:09:39- man was the richest man by any standards...- Ever?
0:09:39 > 0:09:41- ..of which there has ever been.- Oh!
0:09:41 > 0:09:43- Someone...- Aladdin.- Aladdin, yes.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45LAUGHTER
0:09:45 > 0:09:47I'm going to say, and I don't want to upset anybody,
0:09:47 > 0:09:48I'm going to say it's someone real.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50- Someone...- Ah, someone from Fifa.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52LAUGHTER
0:09:52 > 0:09:54APPLAUSE
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Someone from the 14th century.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03He is M- M- of M-.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06- Murmansk. Did he come from Murmansk? - No.
0:10:07 > 0:10:08- Mesopotamia.- No!
0:10:08 > 0:10:11- No, it's good, though.- Margate.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13LAUGHTER
0:10:13 > 0:10:16- He visited Mesopotamia... - Mick of Margate.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19- He visited Mesopotamia?- Well...
0:10:19 > 0:10:21- Mu... Mohammed...- ..Arabia.
0:10:21 > 0:10:22Muchti? The Muchti.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25He was Muslim, so that's another M.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Ming the Merciless. - Ming the Merciless.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30LAUGHTER
0:10:31 > 0:10:34- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Mansa Musa. - Is the right answer, but...- Who?
0:10:34 > 0:10:38..you would have got more points... APPLAUSE
0:10:40 > 0:10:42- The audience is very impressive, isn't it?- They are.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46You'd only have got more points if you'd said Mansa Musa I.
0:10:46 > 0:10:47Ah.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49- But, no, Mansa Musa is the right answer.- Ah.
0:10:49 > 0:10:54- What's the country he's from? - Mess... Er...- No.
0:10:54 > 0:10:55- Muh... Mer... Muk...- Mali.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58- Mali. Mali! - Mali, he comes from, Africa.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01- Mali.- And his riches came from gold.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04- Oh.- He had so much gold, you would not believe.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06He was also a very faithful Muslim,
0:11:06 > 0:11:11and he went on the Hajj to Mecca, and on his Hajj, every Friday,
0:11:11 > 0:11:15he stopped and he built a mosque, but also, everyone he met,
0:11:15 > 0:11:16he gave gold to.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Right.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21By the time all these people went to cash their gold in,
0:11:21 > 0:11:23it destroyed the market for it.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26And they suffered from hyperinflation.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30And he very generously tried to put right what he'd done wrong,
0:11:30 > 0:11:32so he bought the gold back,
0:11:32 > 0:11:37but it still destroyed the whole Mediterranean economy for ten years.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39- What an idiot. - LAUGHTER
0:11:39 > 0:11:42- He was trying to be kind.- Well, there's that saying, isn't there,
0:11:42 > 0:11:46"No act of kindness ever goes unpunished."
0:11:46 > 0:11:49- Yes!- And I think that's very true in this case.- It is very true.
0:11:49 > 0:11:54He was also quite a warrior, and he had an army of 100,000, and
0:11:54 > 0:11:59if he had a successful general, he would reward him with wide trousers.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01That's... That was the question!
0:12:01 > 0:12:04If you had wide trousers it was proof of your success as a general.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06- Wide trousers being what? - Oxford bags.
0:12:06 > 0:12:10- Pretty jolly wide. - Kind of Showaddywaddy.- Yeah.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13On his way back from Mecca,
0:12:13 > 0:12:16he stopped and established this city that became a great
0:12:16 > 0:12:18centre for Islamic scholarship
0:12:18 > 0:12:20- and world scholarship for the following century.- Hmm.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Do you know what that town was called?
0:12:22 > 0:12:24- On the way from Mecca to Mali.- Yeah.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28- Closer to Mali than Mecca by a long way.- Mombasa.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30- No. There it is! - Good effort, though.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32I keep looking at that picture
0:12:32 > 0:12:34like I'm going to recognise it or something.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36- LAUGHTER - Ah, yeah...
0:12:38 > 0:12:40- Is it Timbuktu? - Yes! Timbuktu.
0:12:40 > 0:12:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:45 > 0:12:46Well done.
0:12:47 > 0:12:53Yes, Mansa Musa of Mali made medieval markets melt down.
0:12:53 > 0:12:54From one golden age to another,
0:12:54 > 0:12:58how did the ancient Britons celebrate the merry month of May?
0:12:58 > 0:13:00ELECTRIC WHISK WHIRS
0:13:00 > 0:13:02- Jo.- Was it pole dancing?
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Oh, ha-ha...
0:13:04 > 0:13:05Oh, dear, oh, dear.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07KLAXON BLARES
0:13:07 > 0:13:09That's not...
0:13:10 > 0:13:12- No, that's not what I said. - She's quite right.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14You didn't say "maypole."
0:13:14 > 0:13:16LAUGHTER
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Human sacrifice, probably?
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Human sacrifice, no, not that.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24- Mead?- Mead is possible.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Cannibalism?
0:13:26 > 0:13:27LAUGHTER
0:13:27 > 0:13:31Not that we know of. We don't know much about the ancient Britons.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33If only they'd blogged more.
0:13:33 > 0:13:34LAUGHTER
0:13:34 > 0:13:38Murder - they would murder people for a laugh.
0:13:38 > 0:13:39Anyone who really liked April.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42- They'd murder them really badly. - Yeah.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Well, they would pick flowers.
0:13:44 > 0:13:45Ugh.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47LAUGHTER
0:13:47 > 0:13:49As far as we know, they didn't do much
0:13:49 > 0:13:51other than the fact that it was early summer,
0:13:51 > 0:13:54late spring, and they would put flowers in the house.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56The things we think of -
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Morris dancing and maypoles and the Queen of the May and everything -
0:13:59 > 0:14:01were all later inventions.
0:14:01 > 0:14:06Morris dancing seems to have arrived in the 15th century.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Oh, God, what a terrible year.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10LAUGHTER
0:14:10 > 0:14:12- A bad year.- They have much to answer for.- They have.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15Do you know why it's called Morris dancing, where that comes from?
0:14:15 > 0:14:18It was just boredom. That's really what it was, wasn't it?
0:14:18 > 0:14:20A combination of boredom,
0:14:20 > 0:14:23nothing to do and we might as well do something.
0:14:23 > 0:14:24Do a dance.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26- Do a dance.- Yeah.- Let's have some mead and do a dance.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29"What's your name?" "Morris." "Right, we'll call it after you."
0:14:29 > 0:14:30LAUGHTER
0:14:30 > 0:14:33We think they borrowed the name from the Spaniards,
0:14:33 > 0:14:34- who had a Morisco dance.- Oh!
0:14:34 > 0:14:39When they celebrated the expulsion of the Moors, or Moriscos,
0:14:39 > 0:14:43as in the word Morocco, from Spain, and this dance came to England
0:14:43 > 0:14:45by the 15th century, and we did that sort of dance.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49- So it's a bit racist, really. - If you like, yeah.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51- Yeah.- Well, maybe we could get it banned on that account.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53LAUGHTER
0:14:56 > 0:14:58- Got to try.- Poor old Morris dancers.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Yeah. The most traditional way to celebrate May Day
0:15:02 > 0:15:04is to decorate your house with flowers.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07Our next M also grows in the ground.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Now, what sex is this mushroom?
0:15:10 > 0:15:12- What sex?- What sex?
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Well, it looks like a penis, so...
0:15:14 > 0:15:15LAUGHTER
0:15:15 > 0:15:17..I'm guessing it's female.
0:15:17 > 0:15:18KLAXON BLARES
0:15:18 > 0:15:20You see...
0:15:20 > 0:15:22- Now...- Is it male, then?
0:15:22 > 0:15:26Oh! KLAXON BLARES
0:15:27 > 0:15:28TURNTABLE SCRATCHES
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Is it asexual?
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Well...it's not asexual, no.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34- Is it a stinkhorn? - Just doesn't have a gen...
0:15:34 > 0:15:36We're going to come to stinkhorns.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38- But you can have a look. - I love them.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41See if you can spot the organs of generation on those.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43LAUGHTER
0:15:43 > 0:15:45- Well, there's a mushroom.- Yeah.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Fry it up, lovely.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49It's difficult to tell, isn't it? They're all sort of...
0:15:49 > 0:15:51They're all vaguely suggestive
0:15:51 > 0:15:52- in some way, aren't they? I mean...- Yeah.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Any type of fungus will tell you the same story -
0:15:55 > 0:15:58they don't have genders. They don't have sexes.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00- Oh, right.- They do reproduce,
0:16:00 > 0:16:03but they don't use gender as a...
0:16:03 > 0:16:04Spores? Is it spores?
0:16:04 > 0:16:06- Spores, well, spores have to be... - Inseminated.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08They have to be inseminated, germinated.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11- But there is no gender, you don't have a female or a male.- Right.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14- Oh, you've made a whole new one with a hat.- I've made a new one.
0:16:14 > 0:16:15LAUGHTER
0:16:15 > 0:16:18It's like a French painter. "Ah. Ah-ha-ho-ho."
0:16:18 > 0:16:19But...
0:16:19 > 0:16:21LAUGHTER
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Oh!
0:16:23 > 0:16:25IMITATES PIPE-SUCKING
0:16:25 > 0:16:26- FAUX FRENCH ACCENT:- "No, I'm a...
0:16:26 > 0:16:28"Some people say I'm a mushroom, but..."
0:16:28 > 0:16:29IMITATES PIPE-SUCKING
0:16:29 > 0:16:31- Oh, what the hell. - "I have no gender!"
0:16:31 > 0:16:33LAUGHTER
0:16:33 > 0:16:36"I have no gender, I am nothing, not male nor female."
0:16:36 > 0:16:38"Ha-ha! I laugh at you. Ah-ha-ha!"
0:16:38 > 0:16:39LAUGHTER
0:16:39 > 0:16:42- You mentioned the stinkhorn. - Yes, I did, I love that.
0:16:42 > 0:16:43Well, have a look at one.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45There you are.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48- Ohh!- Ooh, dirty stinkhorn.- Dirty!
0:16:48 > 0:16:50It's pretty grim, isn't it?
0:16:50 > 0:16:51Is that flies?
0:16:51 > 0:16:55Yeah, flies all over it. Its Latin name is phallus impudicus,
0:16:55 > 0:16:59- which means...- Oh, you wouldn't want that on your cock, would you?
0:16:59 > 0:17:00LAUGHTER
0:17:00 > 0:17:01Not again.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03The meaning of its name is "shameless cock."
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Shameless cock.
0:17:05 > 0:17:06- Is it?- Shameless!- Yeah.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Phallus impudicus.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10And it gives off a sort of mucus...
0:17:10 > 0:17:14That's actually given me an idea for my husband's birthday present.
0:17:14 > 0:17:15LAUGHTER
0:17:15 > 0:17:17A little fly willy warmer.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19- What do you think?- Yeah. - He'd love it.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21- He would love it.- Beautiful idea.
0:17:21 > 0:17:26There's a mucus that's given off on the top of it, um...
0:17:26 > 0:17:28- And it stinks, hence the name stinkhorn.- It does.
0:17:28 > 0:17:32It smells of rotting meat, and it attracts flies.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35- You can't eat them, either, can you? - Oh, the Chinese do.- Do they?
0:17:35 > 0:17:37They dry them and they eat them,
0:17:37 > 0:17:42because they've discovered this really important scientific fact.
0:17:42 > 0:17:46- They're aphrodisiac. - Of course they are.- Oh, yeah(!)
0:17:46 > 0:17:47Er...
0:17:47 > 0:17:48LAUGHTER
0:17:48 > 0:17:49So there it is, that's the stinkhorn.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52- Is that only because it looks like a penis, let's be honest?- It is.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55- That's why it's called...- "Oh, look, it looks like an erect penis,
0:17:55 > 0:17:58"therefore, ergo, it must be an aphrodisiac."
0:17:58 > 0:18:01- Yeah.- That's what it is, really. - I'm afraid it is.- Effectively.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04There's a lot of things that look like an erect penis that...
0:18:04 > 0:18:05don't get used as aphrodisiacs.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07- Like?- Like...
0:18:07 > 0:18:08A baguette.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10LAUGHTER
0:18:10 > 0:18:11Very good.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Now, let's stay in the garden.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17Why would you spread mustard on your lawn?
0:18:17 > 0:18:20So you can... Like, if you stick roast beef on yourself,
0:18:20 > 0:18:23- and you slide across the lawn... - LAUGHTER
0:18:23 > 0:18:26Somebody's made a graphic of a man mowing some custard.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28LAUGHTER
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Imagine you wanted to conduct
0:18:32 > 0:18:35a worm census of your lawn,
0:18:35 > 0:18:38you wanted to find out how many worms there wah... "There wah"?
0:18:38 > 0:18:41- ..in your lawn.- Make them come up out of the earth
0:18:41 > 0:18:42with washing-up liquid.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44- Is that what you'd use?- Yeah.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46That really works a treat, actually.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48What, do you put the washing up liquid...?
0:18:48 > 0:18:51You just spray washing-up liquid on the lawn and they all come up,
0:18:51 > 0:18:53"Oh", like that, to help you with the washing up.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55LAUGHTER
0:18:55 > 0:18:56And it doesn't harm them?
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Oh, it kills them.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00LAUGHTER
0:19:00 > 0:19:01This...
0:19:01 > 0:19:03This is where your system and mine differ,
0:19:03 > 0:19:06because my system is just about counting them and not harming them.
0:19:06 > 0:19:07- Right.- Because it does...
0:19:07 > 0:19:09But you can still count them when they're dead.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11LAUGHTER
0:19:11 > 0:19:13- Easier, really.- It is easier. - It's true, you're right.
0:19:13 > 0:19:17- Dry them out.- But they're good for aerating the lawn, aren't they?
0:19:17 > 0:19:19- So is a pitchfork.- Yeah.
0:19:19 > 0:19:20LAUGHTER
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Well, anyway, it irritates them slightly,
0:19:22 > 0:19:23but it doesn't kill them.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26And, in fact, they did this in America,
0:19:26 > 0:19:31and discovered that 100% of North American worms are non-native.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34All the worms of North America
0:19:34 > 0:19:37were wiped out a long time ago.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39- Washing-up liquid!- Must have been.
0:19:39 > 0:19:4110,000 years ago,
0:19:41 > 0:19:43- before washing-up liquid.- Ice age?
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Ice age is the right answer.
0:19:45 > 0:19:46Yeah, they were wiped out.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48He's on fire, you're both on fire!
0:19:48 > 0:19:52APPLAUSE
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Yeah, the European worms arrived
0:19:54 > 0:19:56in the root balls of plants
0:19:56 > 0:19:58that were exported to the Americas.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00But what else do we...?
0:20:00 > 0:20:01Help me with mustard.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04You can spread it on your hands if you're trying to give up smoking.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06LAUGHTER
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Yes, apparently a friend of mine did that, to try and, you know,
0:20:09 > 0:20:11- give up smoking.- Did it work?
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Um... No.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15LAUGHTER
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Gas, lethal gas.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Yes, mustard gas.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21What was mustard gas? Did it have mustard in it?
0:20:21 > 0:20:23It stank, poisonous.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25It didn't actually contain mustard.
0:20:25 > 0:20:29Nothing to do with mustard, called it only because of the colour of it.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31- Well, the colour and the smell. - And the smell of it.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Sulphur mustard, it was called.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36And rather like too much mustard, it could cause blistering.
0:20:36 > 0:20:37And there were mustard baths.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39A bath of mustard?
0:20:39 > 0:20:40Is that a Comic Relief thing?
0:20:40 > 0:20:43LAUGHTER No, you'd think it was.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45But, funnily enough,
0:20:45 > 0:20:48we British have mustard baths all the time, didn't you know that?
0:20:48 > 0:20:49- No?- No.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52According to the National Museum of Mustard,
0:20:52 > 0:20:54which is in Middleton, Wisconsin.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56I was going to say, it's got to be in America.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00They have a National Museum of Mustard and I...
0:21:00 > 0:21:01Just be careful,
0:21:01 > 0:21:04- because Norwich has a very famous mustard museum, as well.- Uh-oh.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07- Mr Coleman?- Coleman's, exactly.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09This museum in Middleton, Wisconsin,
0:21:09 > 0:21:12it asserts that "bathing in mustard is an English custom
0:21:12 > 0:21:14"to this very day."
0:21:14 > 0:21:17LAUGHTER
0:21:17 > 0:21:19There you are, that's what they think.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23- FAUX-AMERICAN ACCENT:- That's right, over in England, at night they...
0:21:23 > 0:21:27Everyone in England asks their butler to draw them a mustard bath.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29LAUGHTER
0:21:29 > 0:21:32And you spoke of Coleman's of Norwich...
0:21:32 > 0:21:34- Norwich.- ..the great mustard company of Norwich.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37They provided quite a lot of mustard for Robert Falcon Scott
0:21:37 > 0:21:40- and his Discovery Expedition. - To the South Pole.
0:21:40 > 0:21:44As you can see there, he has pots of Coleman's Mustard.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46- That's a genuine real photograph... - Yes, of course.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49..not in the least bit touched-up. LAUGHTER
0:21:49 > 0:21:53How much did Coleman's, of Norwich, give...
0:21:53 > 0:21:56to Captain Scott's team in the 1901-02...?
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Two enormous barrels of mustard.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01- Actually, they gave them one and a half tonnes...- Tiny jar?
0:22:01 > 0:22:03- One and a half tonnes?! - ..of mustard.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Tonnes of mustard.
0:22:05 > 0:22:06Excellent.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09That's enough for a lot of baths, as well as a lot of food.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Now, from counting worms
0:22:11 > 0:22:13to monkeys that count.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16What job can even a monkey do?
0:22:16 > 0:22:17ELECTRIC WHISK WHIRS
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Yes, Jo?
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Is it quantity surveying?
0:22:21 > 0:22:24LAUGHTER
0:22:24 > 0:22:28- They might be able to.- Apologies to all quantity surveyors watching.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30- That includes my brother. - Is your brother...?- Oh, is he?
0:22:30 > 0:22:33- He is a quantity surveyor, yes. - Does he survey quantities all day?
0:22:33 > 0:22:36- Yeah, sadly for him.- Do you get tired of surveying quantities?
0:22:36 > 0:22:39I mean, how many quantities can you survey in one day?
0:22:39 > 0:22:43- He can survey 47 quantities in a day.- 47 quantities?
0:22:43 > 0:22:44That's a lot of quantities.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48Wow. Well, no, I don't think monkeys can survey quantities.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50- They can count.- Yes.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52The person who counts how many people are on the plane
0:22:52 > 0:22:55before you take off, that could be a monkey.
0:22:55 > 0:22:56LAUGHTER
0:22:56 > 0:22:59That would instil us all with confidence, wouldn't it?
0:22:59 > 0:23:00LAUGHTER
0:23:00 > 0:23:01Just before takeoff,
0:23:01 > 0:23:05a small primate comes down the aisle with a clicker.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08LAUGHTER
0:23:08 > 0:23:11And he also does the duty-frees because no-one ever buys anything.
0:23:11 > 0:23:12Yes.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14In Thailand, there is a school.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16- A monkey school?- Yep.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18They have between three and six months of training -
0:23:18 > 0:23:21the pig-tailed macaques -
0:23:21 > 0:23:25and they end up working on a plantation,
0:23:25 > 0:23:27where they can pick
0:23:27 > 0:23:30between 800 and 1,000 whats a day?
0:23:30 > 0:23:33- Bananas.- Not bananas cos they'd eat those, wouldn't they?- They would.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35- Coconuts.- Coconuts!
0:23:35 > 0:23:38Between 800 and 1,000 coconuts a day, they can pick.
0:23:38 > 0:23:39There they are.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41But it's very useful.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43So, a lot more than a human could, probably.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45But they do they count them, as well?
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Well, I don't... Those don't, no.
0:23:47 > 0:23:48Clicker in one hand.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51LAUGHTER
0:23:51 > 0:23:53In the US, they use capuchin monkeys
0:23:53 > 0:23:56for a charity called Helping Hands,
0:23:56 > 0:23:58which assists people with disabilities,
0:23:58 > 0:23:59and they help with feeding,
0:23:59 > 0:24:01retrieving dropped items,
0:24:01 > 0:24:02changing compact discs,
0:24:02 > 0:24:05- turning lights on and off.- Wow.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07And in Tokyo, there's a tavern where...
0:24:07 > 0:24:09A traditional sake house,
0:24:09 > 0:24:11where macaques are employed
0:24:11 > 0:24:14to bring customers hot towels.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16I don't want a hot towel off that fella, I'll tell you that.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19LAUGHTER
0:24:19 > 0:24:20That is horrible.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Imagine that at the end of your bed at night.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Oh, God!
0:24:24 > 0:24:26"Hot towel, sir?" Oh, fuck off!
0:24:26 > 0:24:28LAUGHTER
0:24:28 > 0:24:31The late, great Rik Mayall had a joke that he always told if you ever
0:24:31 > 0:24:34went to a Japanese restaurant, sushi house or something, like that,
0:24:34 > 0:24:36and he'd go, "Waiter!"
0:24:36 > 0:24:40"Bring me several types of Japanese wine, and don't get all sake!"
0:24:40 > 0:24:43- LAUGHTER - Yay!
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Couldn't help saying it every time.
0:24:45 > 0:24:46It somehow...
0:24:46 > 0:24:48From him, it was funny.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51Now, from smart monkeys to smart aleck kids.
0:24:51 > 0:24:55Which of these would an ancient Mexican use
0:24:55 > 0:24:57to teach children manners?
0:24:57 > 0:24:58You've got chocolate,
0:24:58 > 0:24:59chilli...
0:24:59 > 0:25:03The monkey with a baseball bat seems pretty effective.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05You've got to say "please" or you get the monkey with the bat.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08I, personally, would use a cactus.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10- Yeah.- What would you do with it?
0:25:10 > 0:25:11Throw the child at it.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13LAUGHTER
0:25:13 > 0:25:16Then you are pretty much on a par with those ancient Mexicans.
0:25:16 > 0:25:17Oh, am I?
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Yeah. The Aztec or the... SHE MOUTHS
0:25:20 > 0:25:21..Mexica.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23LAUGHTER
0:25:23 > 0:25:25- The Mexica, as they were called...- Yeah.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27..from which, we get our word Mexico,
0:25:27 > 0:25:30did have a firm, but fair, way of treating their children.
0:25:30 > 0:25:31That means "very cruel".
0:25:31 > 0:25:32Yeah, I know.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35And the Codex Mendoza was written by someone
0:25:35 > 0:25:37observing the practices of the Aztecs,
0:25:37 > 0:25:39and this is what he found.
0:25:39 > 0:25:44Basically, they were taught to be humble, hard-working and polite,
0:25:44 > 0:25:45just like British...
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Oh, no, what am I talking about? LAUGHTER
0:25:48 > 0:25:50So this is how it went.
0:25:50 > 0:25:51It begins with an eight-year-old boy
0:25:51 > 0:25:54- being threatened with the spines of a cactus.- Wow.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57The following year, he's stripped, bound and pierced
0:25:57 > 0:25:59in his neck, side and thigh.
0:25:59 > 0:26:03Next year, he's bound and beaten with a pine stick.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05The year after that, aged 11, his father holds his son,
0:26:05 > 0:26:10bound and weeping over a fire of burning chillies -
0:26:10 > 0:26:11as you can see, top right, there.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14- All practices carried on in English boarding schools.- Yes.
0:26:14 > 0:26:15LAUGHTER
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Finally, a stroppy 12-year-old is bound and dumped
0:26:18 > 0:26:20in a damp vegetable patch for a day
0:26:20 > 0:26:22to reflect on his conduct.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26By the time he's 13, he's dutifully gathering reeds, as you can see.
0:26:26 > 0:26:27Yeah, bearing a terrible grudge.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29LAUGHTER
0:26:29 > 0:26:31- Which he will take out on HIS child.- Yes.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Unfortunately, that's the way it works.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36- So, it's a sort of a meme of cruelty.- It is, yeah.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39But the Huichol Mexicans - and you'll like this, I think, Jo -
0:26:39 > 0:26:41they had an interesting practice,
0:26:41 > 0:26:43which was, when a woman was pregnant,
0:26:43 > 0:26:44she would lie, and,
0:26:44 > 0:26:46in the room above,
0:26:46 > 0:26:48her husband would lie,
0:26:48 > 0:26:49and he would have strings
0:26:49 > 0:26:51attached to his testicles,
0:26:51 > 0:26:53which would drop down into the room below -
0:26:53 > 0:26:55where his wife was pregnant.
0:26:55 > 0:26:56I'm loving this so far.
0:26:56 > 0:26:57She would have...
0:26:57 > 0:27:00She would hold the strings and, when she had a contraction,
0:27:00 > 0:27:02she would pull... AUDIENCE GASPS
0:27:02 > 0:27:05..so that he was forced to share her pain...
0:27:05 > 0:27:07LAUGHTER
0:27:07 > 0:27:10He, cunningly, slipped the string off, tied it onto the...
0:27:10 > 0:27:12boards of the bed and went to the pub.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14LAUGHTER
0:27:14 > 0:27:15Tied it to the dog.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17"Tied it to the dog"!
0:27:17 > 0:27:19BILL BARKS
0:27:19 > 0:27:20Or his 12-year-old son.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22- "Argh!" - LAUGHTER
0:27:22 > 0:27:24It's possible.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26- Oh, we're... Sorry, go on. - No, carry on.
0:27:26 > 0:27:27No, I was going to say a terrible
0:27:27 > 0:27:30and very embarrassing story about testicles, but you carry on.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32- Oh, I want your testicle story. - All right, then.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Well, we had this dog, and it got into the bed
0:27:34 > 0:27:36and it started to lick...
0:27:36 > 0:27:38the wrong set of testicles.
0:27:38 > 0:27:42- That's all I'm saying. - LAUGHTER AND GASPS
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Surely everybody wins?
0:27:44 > 0:27:47- Everyone's a winner. - LAUGHTER
0:27:47 > 0:27:48Not everyone, Stephen.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50I haven't been back.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53LAUGHTER
0:27:53 > 0:27:58APPLAUSE
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Yeah, the Mexica people of Mexico
0:28:00 > 0:28:04used a very hands-on variety of tough love.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07And speaking of hands, what's this man doing with his other hand?
0:28:07 > 0:28:09LAUGHTER
0:28:09 > 0:28:11- Oh, Lord!- It's M, it's M...
0:28:11 > 0:28:13- It begins with M. - It begins with M.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15He could be doing anything, Stephen.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17Is it something beginning with M?
0:28:17 > 0:28:19If that was me, it would be me trying to work out how the...
0:28:19 > 0:28:21- Scratching? - ..bloody thing works with a printer.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24- Well, it does begin with M. - Massaging something?
0:28:24 > 0:28:27- If I tell you that he's a professor. - He's got a massive mouse on his leg.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30- Milking, mousing.- "Massive mouse."
0:28:30 > 0:28:32You're right to think of an animal, cos he's a scientist -
0:28:32 > 0:28:35a professor at the University of Kentucky.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37Has he got his finger stuck in a moose?
0:28:37 > 0:28:41LAUGHTER
0:28:41 > 0:28:43He's a Mexican, he's a Mexican man,
0:28:43 > 0:28:46and he's pressing a child against a cactus under the desk.
0:28:46 > 0:28:48LAUGHTER
0:28:48 > 0:28:49He's a cruel man.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51He is Professor Grayson Brown,
0:28:51 > 0:28:54and he's an entomologist of a particular kind.
0:28:54 > 0:28:57A culicidologist, if that makes any sense to you.
0:28:57 > 0:28:59- Molluscs?- Not molluscs.
0:28:59 > 0:29:01- Oh.- An entomologist.- Mosquitoes.
0:29:01 > 0:29:02Mosquitoes is the right answer.
0:29:02 > 0:29:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:05 > 0:29:07- Wow!- On fire.
0:29:07 > 0:29:09Sorry.
0:29:09 > 0:29:10That's brilliant.
0:29:10 > 0:29:12He's very serious in his study of mosquitoes,
0:29:12 > 0:29:15and he was allowing 1,000 mosquitoes -
0:29:15 > 0:29:16as he does every morning,
0:29:16 > 0:29:18while he carries on doing his e-mails -
0:29:18 > 0:29:21to feast on his arm.
0:29:21 > 0:29:24His body is so used to it they no longer leave a mark, apparently.
0:29:24 > 0:29:25It's most bizarre.
0:29:25 > 0:29:28Asian mosquitoes are very picky,
0:29:28 > 0:29:30they only, ONLY, feast on humans...
0:29:30 > 0:29:33They won't eat the blood of any other animal.
0:29:33 > 0:29:35..and, in order to keep them happy,
0:29:35 > 0:29:37obviously they need a big supply of blood.
0:29:37 > 0:29:38So, he and his fellow workers...
0:29:38 > 0:29:41And some animals, it has to be said, in his lab,
0:29:41 > 0:29:44also supply the blood for other breeds of mosquito -
0:29:44 > 0:29:48but, for the Asian ones, it's just humans.
0:29:48 > 0:29:50And, of course, they have to keep them breeding.
0:29:50 > 0:29:53Now, they're odd, these Asian mosquitoes,
0:29:53 > 0:29:54cos they're really a bit lazy.
0:29:54 > 0:29:56I suppose they produce so many thousands...
0:29:56 > 0:29:58What's he trying to find out?
0:29:58 > 0:30:00I mean, what is there left to know about these creatures?
0:30:00 > 0:30:03Well, given how many millions of people they kill every year,
0:30:03 > 0:30:05it's kind of... You can't know enough.
0:30:05 > 0:30:07Cos they kill more, as you know, than wars.
0:30:07 > 0:30:10But in order to get them to mate, to force-mate them.
0:30:10 > 0:30:12Play some Barry White, give them some wine.
0:30:12 > 0:30:14LAUGHTER
0:30:14 > 0:30:16Well, that's what I thought, but in this case,
0:30:16 > 0:30:18- they decapitate the male... - Oh, that's different.
0:30:18 > 0:30:20- No, no, that wouldn't work. - Good so far.
0:30:20 > 0:30:23LAUGHTER ..they anaesthetise the female.
0:30:23 > 0:30:25They then insert the male's genitals
0:30:25 > 0:30:28into his unconscious partner.
0:30:28 > 0:30:30Despite the lack of the male's head,
0:30:30 > 0:30:32and the lack of the female's consciousness,
0:30:32 > 0:30:33the insects lock together,
0:30:33 > 0:30:35sperm is transferred,
0:30:35 > 0:30:37and the female becomes pregnant.
0:30:37 > 0:30:39Does that happen with humans? SHE MOUTHS
0:30:39 > 0:30:41- Yes?- Well, if you've had enough Jagermeister,
0:30:41 > 0:30:44- I suppose it will, yeah. - LAUGHTER
0:30:44 > 0:30:47And a skilled entomologist can do this without a microscope.
0:30:47 > 0:30:49That's nothing to brag about, though, is it?
0:30:49 > 0:30:51No, it probably isn't!
0:30:51 > 0:30:53"Oh, I can make mosquitoes bang without a microscope."
0:30:53 > 0:30:55LAUGHTER
0:30:55 > 0:30:58We had a pair of preying mantis once in the kitchen,
0:30:58 > 0:31:01In a... You know, in the tank, obviously.
0:31:01 > 0:31:04And I came home one night and the male praying mantis
0:31:04 > 0:31:05was on the kitchen floor
0:31:05 > 0:31:07walking across, like, towards the door.
0:31:07 > 0:31:10And I went, "Oh, no, he's got out of the t... Oh, what a shame."
0:31:10 > 0:31:11And I carefully scooped him up,
0:31:11 > 0:31:13and I placed him back in the tank, very gently,
0:31:13 > 0:31:15and the female pounced and bit his head off and...
0:31:15 > 0:31:17LAUGHTER
0:31:17 > 0:31:19..he was clearly making a break for it.
0:31:19 > 0:31:22- Oh, because they do.- The whole time, "No, don't put me back there. Oh."
0:31:22 > 0:31:24- The females do eat the males, don't they?- Yes, they do.
0:31:24 > 0:31:27- So, they must have just mated.- They must have just... And he was off.
0:31:27 > 0:31:28Yeah. Oh, dear, oh, dear.
0:31:28 > 0:31:31Now, then, what's the world's oldest complaint?
0:31:31 > 0:31:33"I'm dying."
0:31:33 > 0:31:34LAUGHTER
0:31:36 > 0:31:37Er...
0:31:37 > 0:31:39- We're after the first recorded complaint.- Oh.
0:31:39 > 0:31:40A medical complaint?
0:31:40 > 0:31:42- Not a medical complaint, actually. - Oh, right.
0:31:42 > 0:31:44Complaint as in a moan, as in a...
0:31:44 > 0:31:45Oh, I see, so the...
0:31:45 > 0:31:48Where were the earliest pieces of writing that we have?
0:31:48 > 0:31:50In hieroglyphs?
0:31:50 > 0:31:53Not hieroglyphs, actually - they're made with reeds...
0:31:53 > 0:31:55poked into wet clay onto tablets,
0:31:55 > 0:31:58so the edge of the reed is like a wedge shape,
0:31:58 > 0:32:02and Latin for "wedge," cuneus...
0:32:02 > 0:32:03Cuneiform?
0:32:03 > 0:32:06- Cuneiform, yes.- Oh, right.
0:32:06 > 0:32:08Which was where - where did they do that?
0:32:08 > 0:32:09- It's...- Babylon.
0:32:09 > 0:32:12- Babylon, yeah, Mesopotamia. - Mesopotamia!
0:32:12 > 0:32:13Mesopotamia!
0:32:13 > 0:32:14Knew it'd come up!
0:32:14 > 0:32:16- LAUGHTER - Keep saying it.
0:32:16 > 0:32:18"Keep saying it, it'll be right in a minute."
0:32:18 > 0:32:22And they have an enormous number of these in the British Museum,
0:32:22 > 0:32:24- a fantastic collection.- Stolen!
0:32:24 > 0:32:25Well...
0:32:25 > 0:32:26Sorry - saved.
0:32:26 > 0:32:28- LAUGHTER Saved!- Salvaged.
0:32:28 > 0:32:31- What, so it's a complaint, you're saying?- It's a complaint.
0:32:31 > 0:32:35It's from a merchant, and it's nearly 4,000 years old.
0:32:35 > 0:32:38It's an ancient Babylonian copper merchant.
0:32:38 > 0:32:39He's called Nanni.
0:32:39 > 0:32:42He's complaining to a supplier called Ea-nasir
0:32:42 > 0:32:46that he's received a shipment of copper ore which was late,
0:32:46 > 0:32:49and it was damaged and of an inferior grade.
0:32:49 > 0:32:53"You have put ingots which were not good enough before my messenger,
0:32:53 > 0:32:55"and said, 'If you want to take them, take them.
0:32:55 > 0:32:57"'If you do not want to take them, go away.'
0:32:57 > 0:32:58"What do you take me for,
0:32:58 > 0:33:00"that you treat me with such contempt?
0:33:00 > 0:33:02"You alone treat my messenger with contempt.
0:33:02 > 0:33:06"You have withheld my money bag from me in enemy territory.
0:33:06 > 0:33:10"It's now up to you to restore my money to me in full."
0:33:10 > 0:33:12I was thinking that earlier and I should have said it.
0:33:12 > 0:33:14You...! LAUGHTER
0:33:14 > 0:33:17Would there be a series of these complaints going back and forth?
0:33:17 > 0:33:19We don't have... STEPHEN LAUGHS
0:33:19 > 0:33:21"I refer you to the tablet of the 14th."
0:33:21 > 0:33:23LAUGHTER
0:33:23 > 0:33:25"I still have not received redress on the copper."
0:33:25 > 0:33:26LAUGHTER
0:33:26 > 0:33:29On and on, like, piles and piles of these things.
0:33:29 > 0:33:32"Stick your ingots where the sun don't shine."
0:33:32 > 0:33:33LAUGHTER
0:33:33 > 0:33:36"I will be speaking to you now through my lawyers."
0:33:36 > 0:33:40I mean, the things that survived most in terms of writing
0:33:40 > 0:33:43- are nearly always things to do with money and trade.- Mmm.
0:33:43 > 0:33:44Cos that's what people cared about most,
0:33:44 > 0:33:46and that's how writing seemed to develop.
0:33:46 > 0:33:50So, the world's first complaint was composed on a tablet.
0:33:50 > 0:33:51But now it's time to move on
0:33:51 > 0:33:54to the low-hanging fruit of General Ignorance.
0:33:54 > 0:33:57What kind of animal is a musk ox?
0:33:58 > 0:33:59Is it an ox?
0:33:59 > 0:34:01KLAXON BLARES Oh!
0:34:01 > 0:34:03How could you think such a thing?
0:34:04 > 0:34:06- What kind of animal is a musk ox? - Musk.
0:34:06 > 0:34:07KLAXON BLARES
0:34:07 > 0:34:09Not a musk.
0:34:09 > 0:34:10That's...
0:34:10 > 0:34:11LAUGHTER
0:34:11 > 0:34:14- You did say musk!- Is it a deer?
0:34:14 > 0:34:15Is it a banana, Stephen?
0:34:15 > 0:34:17Not a banana! LAUGHTER
0:34:17 > 0:34:19- Have a look at one. - Have a look at one?
0:34:19 > 0:34:22- Yeah, have a look at some musk oxen. - Cow.- Bison.
0:34:22 > 0:34:24- Not a bison, no.- Is it a sheep?
0:34:24 > 0:34:25A snake?
0:34:25 > 0:34:27Sheep is the right answer-ish.
0:34:27 > 0:34:29- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - A goat?
0:34:29 > 0:34:31A goat!
0:34:32 > 0:34:34It's a goat, well done.
0:34:34 > 0:34:37- It's a goat.- Got its horns right down the side, low down -
0:34:37 > 0:34:39that's very difficult for rutting, isn't it?
0:34:39 > 0:34:41Got to go up next to someone and hook them.
0:34:41 > 0:34:44And they have enormous coats of fur.
0:34:44 > 0:34:46Thought you might have said something else there.
0:34:46 > 0:34:47LAUGHTER
0:34:47 > 0:34:49Really huge, and they are very...
0:34:49 > 0:34:51very good at surviving cold temperatures.
0:34:51 > 0:34:54So good that they survived the cold temperature
0:34:54 > 0:34:56that many of their fellow animals at the time didn't -
0:34:56 > 0:34:58the sabre-toothed tiger, for example.
0:34:58 > 0:35:00- ALAN GASPS - Ice age!
0:35:00 > 0:35:02The ice age - they survived the ice age.
0:35:02 > 0:35:05And they're a hardy, hardy beast.
0:35:05 > 0:35:09They have this wonderful butting contest where they butt heads.
0:35:09 > 0:35:13Males, don't they - they have these tremendous battles, male...
0:35:13 > 0:35:15Man on man... Mano a mano.
0:35:15 > 0:35:18- "Mano a mano" means "hand to hand." - Yeah.
0:35:18 > 0:35:20OK, what's the head, then?
0:35:20 > 0:35:22LAUGHTER
0:35:22 > 0:35:24Well, yeah, despite its name,
0:35:24 > 0:35:27the musk ox is a member of the goat family.
0:35:27 > 0:35:30What do magpies like to steal?
0:35:30 > 0:35:31Shiny things.
0:35:31 > 0:35:34KLAXON BLARES LAUGHTER
0:35:34 > 0:35:35Everyone knows that!
0:35:35 > 0:35:38- Oh, Alany, Alany, Alany-walany, Alany-walany-woo.- Come on!
0:35:38 > 0:35:41- No. We think they do, but they don't.- Oh.
0:35:41 > 0:35:44- We've done tests. Well, WE haven't, people have.- Have you?
0:35:44 > 0:35:47Out of 64 of them, magpies picked up a shiny object only twice,
0:35:47 > 0:35:48and then immediately dropped it.
0:35:48 > 0:35:51They're not interested in shiny things.
0:35:51 > 0:35:54Like all animals, they're interested in things that look like food or...
0:35:54 > 0:35:56that they can shag. LAUGHTER
0:35:56 > 0:35:59The... It's folklore surrounding them, seems to be just that -
0:35:59 > 0:36:01folklore, anecdotes.
0:36:01 > 0:36:03But the Italian for magpie...
0:36:04 > 0:36:05..leads to an interesting thing.
0:36:05 > 0:36:07- FAUX ITALIAN ACCENT:- Magpie-o.
0:36:07 > 0:36:09LAUGHTER
0:36:09 > 0:36:10Awfully nice thought.
0:36:10 > 0:36:13Do you know the Rossini opera, The Thieving Magpie?
0:36:13 > 0:36:14Called "La Gazza Ladra."
0:36:14 > 0:36:17"Gazza" is a magpie,
0:36:17 > 0:36:20and a little magpie, "gazzetta."
0:36:20 > 0:36:23- Oh, it's the newspaper. - Called the "gazzetta".
0:36:23 > 0:36:24A newspaper - gazette.
0:36:24 > 0:36:26And that's it, the gossipy chatter,
0:36:26 > 0:36:28- like a magpie.- Ah!
0:36:28 > 0:36:30That's where we get that word, "gazette".
0:36:30 > 0:36:33- I like... I quite like that one. - Yeah, me too.- Yeah.- Yeah, certainly.
0:36:33 > 0:36:37Also, if I were to say that the magpie's real name is a pie,
0:36:37 > 0:36:38it's a pie.
0:36:38 > 0:36:41Then where does the "mag" come from?
0:36:41 > 0:36:43- Margaret.- Yeah.
0:36:43 > 0:36:44- Margaret.- Was it?- Yeah.
0:36:44 > 0:36:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:36:48 > 0:36:52Where did that come from?
0:36:52 > 0:36:54"Margaret Pie."
0:36:54 > 0:36:57In medieval England, it was common to give birds a Christian name,
0:36:57 > 0:37:02sometimes, and the ones that have survived have included magpie.
0:37:02 > 0:37:04- Which other ones can you...? - Robin.- Robin.
0:37:04 > 0:37:05- Robin redbreast. - Robin redbreast.
0:37:05 > 0:37:08Robin's the only one where the first name is the one that's kept...
0:37:08 > 0:37:10- Dave Starling.- Sorry? LAUGHTER
0:37:10 > 0:37:13- Joseph Starling? - No, big Dave Starling.
0:37:13 > 0:37:14LAUGHTER
0:37:14 > 0:37:16Joseph would have been funny.
0:37:16 > 0:37:18Joseph Starling is good, yeah. I like that. I prefer that.
0:37:18 > 0:37:21- Not as funny as Dave, but it's better.- Yeah.
0:37:21 > 0:37:22Tomtit.
0:37:22 > 0:37:23- Jenny Wren.- Tomtit, yeah.
0:37:23 > 0:37:25Charlie Crow.
0:37:25 > 0:37:28- Jackdaw.- Jackdaw. - Oh, jackdaw.- Yeah, yeah.
0:37:28 > 0:37:31- So there are a few of them. - Christopher Chaffinch.
0:37:31 > 0:37:34LAUGHTER
0:37:34 > 0:37:37- We had an injured bird in the garden yesterday...- Oh.
0:37:37 > 0:37:40..and it looked like a magpie, and it couldn't take off,
0:37:40 > 0:37:43and I was watching it for ages. I didn't know what to do with it,
0:37:43 > 0:37:44so I opened the back gate and shooed it out.
0:37:44 > 0:37:46LAUGHTER
0:37:46 > 0:37:50- Oh, dear.- What do you think it was, then? What make?- "The back gate."
0:37:50 > 0:37:53- I think it was a young crow...- Yeah.
0:37:53 > 0:37:56..that was having a bit of trouble with flight,
0:37:56 > 0:37:58- because it flew into a bush... - Oh, dear.
0:37:58 > 0:38:00..and I presume it's dead by now.
0:38:00 > 0:38:01LAUGHTER
0:38:01 > 0:38:04- That's it, you...?- And that's the end of tonight's Springwatch.- Yes.
0:38:04 > 0:38:07LAUGHTER
0:38:07 > 0:38:13APPLAUSE
0:38:13 > 0:38:15What could you have done with it?
0:38:15 > 0:38:17- I don't know, what are you going to do with a bird?- Shoot it, shoot it.
0:38:17 > 0:38:19- Take it out.- Shoot the...
0:38:19 > 0:38:22- Sniper's rifle, through the brain. - I could have gone after it,
0:38:22 > 0:38:24because it was in the garden and couldn't get out.
0:38:24 > 0:38:28- I could have easily got it with a tennis racket.- Yeah, exactly. Yeah. - AUDIENCE GASPS
0:38:28 > 0:38:29Just scoop it up with a tennis racket
0:38:29 > 0:38:31- and hit it with a frying pan... - LAUGHTER
0:38:31 > 0:38:33..and chuck it over the wall. That's what I'd do.
0:38:33 > 0:38:36And then its parents would have come and ate it, wouldn't they?
0:38:36 > 0:38:39- Yeah, that's right.- Let's face it, it is the wild.- Yeah.- Exactly, yes.
0:38:39 > 0:38:40Even if it is Hampstead.
0:38:40 > 0:38:42LAUGHTER
0:38:42 > 0:38:43It's wild for them, though.
0:38:43 > 0:38:45They'd have had it in a coulis.
0:38:45 > 0:38:48LAUGHTER
0:38:48 > 0:38:51A crow couscous.
0:38:51 > 0:38:52With some quinoa.
0:38:52 > 0:38:53LAUGHTER
0:38:53 > 0:38:55I wonder what its name was.
0:38:55 > 0:38:56Clive, I expect.
0:38:56 > 0:38:58No, I think it was Vel.
0:38:58 > 0:39:00- Vel?- Vel-crow.- "Velcro."
0:39:00 > 0:39:03APPLAUSE
0:39:03 > 0:39:06Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
0:39:06 > 0:39:10So, magpies aren't particularly interested in shiny objects.
0:39:10 > 0:39:13How many paintings did Vincent Van Gogh -
0:39:13 > 0:39:15or "Goch," or "Gough," or "Go"...
0:39:15 > 0:39:17How many did he sell while he was alive?
0:39:17 > 0:39:18Don't say none.
0:39:18 > 0:39:20TURNTABLE SCRATCHES
0:39:20 > 0:39:21None! I'm going to say none.
0:39:21 > 0:39:24KLAXON BLARES
0:39:24 > 0:39:26- D'oh!- D'oh!
0:39:26 > 0:39:29Really, I'm afraid...
0:39:29 > 0:39:30- One.- A few, maybe?
0:39:30 > 0:39:32KLAXON BLARES
0:39:32 > 0:39:34"A few".
0:39:34 > 0:39:37It was lots. He sold hundreds of paintings.
0:39:37 > 0:39:38- Hundreds?!- Yeah, when he was 15,
0:39:38 > 0:39:40he used to work in an art gallery.
0:39:40 > 0:39:42- Oh, shut up! - LAUGHTER
0:39:42 > 0:39:43It's true.
0:39:43 > 0:39:46I just asked you how many paintings...
0:39:46 > 0:39:48This is the closest I've come to walking out of this show!
0:39:48 > 0:39:51I'd like a recount on those two.
0:39:51 > 0:39:53It was a horribly mean question,
0:39:53 > 0:39:55but the fact is, he did sell hundreds,
0:39:55 > 0:39:57they just weren't his own.
0:39:57 > 0:39:59He was very good at selling them, too -
0:39:59 > 0:40:02he did extremely well, and it was a big French company,
0:40:02 > 0:40:04and his brother, Theo,
0:40:04 > 0:40:06ran the Montmartre branch,
0:40:06 > 0:40:10and Vincent relocated, after a while, to the London branch.
0:40:10 > 0:40:13And he spent two years in London, living in Brixton,
0:40:13 > 0:40:16and he called it the happiest time of his life.
0:40:16 > 0:40:18Yeah, he did really well, and he loved it.
0:40:18 > 0:40:21- Good fun in Brixton.- It's great. - It was good fun, it's a good place.
0:40:21 > 0:40:22- Brixton Village.- Brixton Village.
0:40:22 > 0:40:25He would have gone and got some chicken from Chickenliquor,
0:40:25 > 0:40:26that's real nice.
0:40:26 > 0:40:29- Yeah.- Is that your manor?
0:40:29 > 0:40:31I used to live in Brixton and...
0:40:31 > 0:40:33Do you know what I nearly did then? I nearly called you "man,"
0:40:33 > 0:40:35- and then I stopped myself.- Thank you.
0:40:35 > 0:40:38- I just want you to appreciate that. - I really do. Thank you.
0:40:38 > 0:40:43- Anyway, perhaps the most surprising thing we'll all learn today...- Yes.
0:40:43 > 0:40:45..is that, after Brixton,
0:40:45 > 0:40:48he came back to the UK in 1876,
0:40:48 > 0:40:50and Vincent Van Gogh...
0:40:50 > 0:40:51worked...
0:40:51 > 0:40:54as a supply teacher in Ramsgate.
0:40:54 > 0:40:56- Oh!- Isn't that wonderful?
0:40:56 > 0:40:59- Wow.- That's a big surprise, isn't it?- It is. It is, yeah.
0:40:59 > 0:41:02I wonder if the children remembered him for years afterwards...
0:41:02 > 0:41:04- Mr Van Gogh?- ..as a flame-haired figure.- Moody sod.
0:41:04 > 0:41:07- Yeah.- Yeah.- Then he became a painter, supported financially,
0:41:07 > 0:41:09and, indeed, emotionally by his brother, Theo.
0:41:09 > 0:41:12He suffered from tinnitus, vertigo and, of course, depression,
0:41:12 > 0:41:15and he killed himself aged 37.
0:41:15 > 0:41:18Only one of his 900 paintings
0:41:18 > 0:41:20was sold in his lifetime.
0:41:20 > 0:41:23Sold to a remarkable woman called Anna Boch,
0:41:23 > 0:41:24- who was, herself, a painter.- One.
0:41:24 > 0:41:26- You said one!- I said one. - You said one.
0:41:26 > 0:41:29I asked how many paintings, not how many of HIS OWN paintings.
0:41:29 > 0:41:30BILL GROANS
0:41:30 > 0:41:32I know, I'm sorry, but, look, I did say...
0:41:32 > 0:41:34Chairman of the Pedantic Association.
0:41:34 > 0:41:36LAUGHTER
0:41:36 > 0:41:39"It's actually the Society of Pedantics, but I'll let that go."
0:41:39 > 0:41:42Yes, exactly, in fact. LAUGHTER
0:41:42 > 0:41:44Anna Boch paid 400 francs
0:41:44 > 0:41:47for a painting of his called The Red Vineyard,
0:41:47 > 0:41:49which is rather beautiful.
0:41:49 > 0:41:52About £1,000 today, that would be.
0:41:52 > 0:41:54Bet he had a big night that night.
0:41:54 > 0:41:56Well, it was only four months before his death,
0:41:56 > 0:41:58so it obviously didn't cheer him up enormously.
0:41:58 > 0:42:02Five out of the 30 most valuable paintings ever sold at auction
0:42:02 > 0:42:03are Van Goghs.
0:42:03 > 0:42:06Four of them raising over 100 million each.
0:42:06 > 0:42:10That, er... That was his life, a very unfortunate one in that sense.
0:42:10 > 0:42:13But his work lives on for ever, of course.
0:42:13 > 0:42:15And with that, the final whistle has blown and...
0:42:15 > 0:42:17STEPHEN LAUGHS
0:42:17 > 0:42:19..the match has come to an end.
0:42:19 > 0:42:22It's actually a very extraordinary series of scores.
0:42:22 > 0:42:24Um...
0:42:24 > 0:42:26In first place, with plus eight -
0:42:26 > 0:42:29yes, she WAS on fire - Jo Brand!
0:42:29 > 0:42:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:34 > 0:42:37In second place...
0:42:37 > 0:42:39with minus seven, it's James.
0:42:39 > 0:42:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:42 > 0:42:45In third place...
0:42:45 > 0:42:48with minus 32, is Bill Bailey.
0:42:48 > 0:42:52- Minus, how...? - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:52 > 0:42:54In fourth place...
0:42:54 > 0:42:55with minus 41, Alan Davies.
0:42:55 > 0:42:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:02 > 0:43:05So, all that remains for me
0:43:05 > 0:43:07is to pull up the corner flags,
0:43:07 > 0:43:09thank James, Bill, Jo and Alan,
0:43:09 > 0:43:11and to leave you with this classic piece of Ron Atkinson
0:43:11 > 0:43:14when asked about what made the perfect match.
0:43:14 > 0:43:17"Well, Clive, it's all about the two M's -
0:43:17 > 0:43:19"movement and positioning."
0:43:19 > 0:43:20Good night.
0:43:20 > 0:43:23APPLAUSE