0:00:23 > 0:00:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Good evening,
0:00:30 > 0:00:33good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:33 > 0:00:35good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening...
0:00:35 > 0:00:36and welcome to QI -
0:00:36 > 0:00:40where, tonight, we're mired in misconceptions
0:00:40 > 0:00:42and nothing is as it seems.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Or is it? Or will they? Have they?
0:00:44 > 0:00:46I don't know. LAUGHTER
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Do you? Maybe not. I simply don't know.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Or do I? LAUGHTER
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Joining me tonight are...
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Sue Perkins.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:57 > 0:00:59..Chris Addison...
0:00:59 > 0:01:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:02 > 0:01:04..Sara Cox...
0:01:04 > 0:01:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:07 > 0:01:08..and Alan Davies.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Thank you, thank you.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16So, let's hear your buzzers.
0:01:16 > 0:01:17Sue goes...
0:01:17 > 0:01:19BUZZER
0:01:19 > 0:01:22- Oh!- Chris goes... IDENTICAL BUZZER
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Sara goes... IDENTICAL BUZZER
0:01:24 > 0:01:25Alan's buzzer...
0:01:25 > 0:01:27BIRD SCREECHES
0:01:27 > 0:01:28LAUGHTER
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Oh. KLAXON
0:01:30 > 0:01:32LAUGHTER
0:01:32 > 0:01:34That wasn't a buzzer, that was a buzzard.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37- That's harsh, though, isn't it? - It is harsh.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Am I on minus then already,
0:01:39 > 0:01:41- before I've spoken?- Yes.
0:01:41 > 0:01:42That is a new record.
0:01:42 > 0:01:43LAUGHTER
0:01:43 > 0:01:47I have no... My hands are tied. LAUGHTER
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Now, because almost everything we think we know about
0:01:50 > 0:01:54the world is wrong, we've given you each a map,
0:01:54 > 0:01:56so you can refresh your memories.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59- Yup, there it is. A map of the world.- Is that wrong?
0:01:59 > 0:02:01You're telling us that's wrong.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Well, the sea is where the land should be.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09So, I'm saying yes.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12- I don't mind that, shakes things up a bit.- It does, doesn't it?
0:02:12 > 0:02:15- It's wrong in other ways.- OK. - But it's a representation,
0:02:15 > 0:02:17so we'll forgive it for not being perfectly accurate.
0:02:17 > 0:02:21- OK.- Because it's flat, and the earth is round.
0:02:21 > 0:02:26If we were on a direct flight from Madrid to Montana...
0:02:26 > 0:02:31which American states beginning with "M" would we fly over on the way?
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Merica?
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Is that one?
0:02:36 > 0:02:40None. Because you go over the top, you go straight over the top.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44Is exactly right. Yes, that's right.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45Very good.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50- We will show you the route here. - You might go over Manitoba.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Yes, you do go over Manitoba.
0:02:52 > 0:02:53You miss all the American states.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56It's seems to not be a straight line,
0:02:56 > 0:02:59but of course on the globe it is the shortest distance to go that way.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02If you were to go what seems a straight line on flat paper,
0:03:02 > 0:03:05it would actually be going around the curvature of the earth...
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Madrid is on the same line of latitude as New York.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09It is.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11So you could go around that way.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Well, it's still further.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17You've got a little globe there.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19You can try with a piece of string.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21OK. Let's do that.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Have a look.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Where's Madrid? There we go.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30There you are, viewers.
0:03:32 > 0:03:33I've illustrated it perfectly.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36You're right. We're nearly over Winnipeg, there.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Go over Winnipeg and Regina.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Regina, you say?
0:03:42 > 0:03:45If you compare the string with the lines of latitude on the globe,
0:03:45 > 0:03:47you've come so much further up, haven't you?
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Cos the line of latitude would be all the way along that way.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53- Yeah. We need more string! - You need more string.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Are you wrestling with the world, here?
0:03:57 > 0:04:01- Yes.- Aren't we all, Steve? - Yes, I suppose.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Well, that's solved a lot of... Yeah.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07That's an excellent in flight tool for any air hostess.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09- Yes. - Explaining where you're going.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12Just going to colour in Scotland yellow.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21- I didn't want them the same colour as England.- No.
0:04:21 > 0:04:27What we have here is a particular kind of view of the world.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29It's a 16th century cartographer.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Ricardo Montalban.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35No, his name was Gerard Merchant, but it wasn't, it was Latinised.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39- Gerard Merchant.- Gerardus... - Mercator.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Mercator. Well done, Chris.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43It's called the Mercator Projection.
0:04:43 > 0:04:47And it was the first time the world was expressed in such a way
0:04:47 > 0:04:51that sailors could navigate using straight lines from the compass.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54But in order to do that you had to compromise
0:04:54 > 0:04:56the reality of the shape of the continent.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58So Africa became, for example, much smaller.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01- Everything near the equator was squashed.- Yeah.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04Sometimes people think this was a sort of imperialist thing to make
0:05:04 > 0:05:08Europe look bigger, but it wasn't actually anything to do with that.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11It was, as always, to make money for commerce and trade.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15Well, there you are, the great circle route is a roundabout way
0:05:15 > 0:05:17of going in a straight line.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21So, how did the first American airmail arrive at its destination?
0:05:21 > 0:05:22Human cannonball.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24LAUGHTER That's a good thought.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28They just put a postman in a cannon and fired him.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Was it an air balloon?
0:05:30 > 0:05:33It wasn't, I'm afraid. KLAXON
0:05:34 > 0:05:37- I mean...- Ha-ha-ha!- ..that seems...
0:05:37 > 0:05:40LAUGHTER
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Welcome to QI. Quite right.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Oh, surely a carrier pigeon.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46- Oh!- As in...
0:05:46 > 0:05:49KLAXON
0:05:49 > 0:05:50Was it by bus?
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Closer.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54- Bus is closer. Airmail was by bus? - Stagecoach?
0:05:54 > 0:05:57- Train.- Sedan chair.- Train is the right answer.- Sedan chair.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00You deserve to get some points back, because it started by balloon,
0:06:00 > 0:06:02- you see, Sara.- Oh, really?- Yeah.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04With great hoopla, they started an airmail service.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07It was going to go from Indiana to New York.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Unfortunately, they chose the opening day
0:06:09 > 0:06:12and lots of mail had arrived, which was very self-consciously excited.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15"My darling, you're going to get this by a new means of transport,"
0:06:15 > 0:06:18etc, etc. They were all thrilled by it.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21There was no wind and, after five hours, it had gone 30 miles...
0:06:21 > 0:06:24- LAUGHTER ..and so he just...- Could he...?
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Basically, they let themselves down and got on a train.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Throwing the post overboard to keep height.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30LAUGHTER
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Was that in the days before the...
0:06:32 > 0:06:35- They still had burners.- Did they literally use air for air balloons?
0:06:35 > 0:06:38- Well, yes, it had to be hot air. - What's the technical term for...
0:06:38 > 0:06:42- That is the technical term. - It's a burner.- Very hard to spell.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44He was a piano maker turned ballooning pioneer,
0:06:44 > 0:06:49Professor John Wise, who started it out. It was in 1859.
0:06:49 > 0:06:55The world's first official airmail delivery took place in 1911.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58- Where, do you think? - South Africa.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00- SARA:- New Zealand. - Not South Africa or New Zealand.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02- France.- Germany.
0:07:02 > 0:07:03No, it's India.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07- What?!- All right.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10It's not that shocking, but it is perhaps surprising.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Yeah, it travelled five miles.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14I wouldn't trust my letters in that contraption.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17- They'd be blowing all over the shop. - They would, wouldn't they?
0:07:17 > 0:07:19He can't be a postman, he's not got his shorts on either.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22- They wear a short, a tailored short. - Yes.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24That's powered by a dog chasing it.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30The American airmail service was started in 1918
0:07:30 > 0:07:32as a way of training pilots -
0:07:32 > 0:07:35and the assistant postmaster was ruthless,
0:07:35 > 0:07:38and he insisted that the trainees
0:07:38 > 0:07:40would fly, whatever the weather.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42And out of 40 who started,
0:07:42 > 0:07:44- more than half were killed. - Oh...!- Oh, dear.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46He was a lunatic. He, himself, didn't fly -
0:07:46 > 0:07:49so it was pretty obvious he had no idea what was going on,
0:07:49 > 0:07:50so it was all rather tragic.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Good to see the use of a sinister doll on the mailbag as well.
0:07:53 > 0:07:54LAUGHTER
0:07:54 > 0:07:56- The whole thing's sent by voodoo. - Yeah, it is.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58LAUGHTER
0:07:58 > 0:08:00It's for when they don't want to get in the plane,
0:08:00 > 0:08:02- he makes them with the doll. - LAUGHTER
0:08:02 > 0:08:03He walks the doll.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05"I don't want to fly in the plane!"
0:08:05 > 0:08:10The first airplane-powered glider airmail service
0:08:10 > 0:08:12was founded by whom?
0:08:12 > 0:08:14- Amy Johnson. - The first one was named after...
0:08:14 > 0:08:17- No, she's not known as an aviatrix...- Oh, right.
0:08:17 > 0:08:18..she's known as a novelist.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20- Madonna.- Barbara Cartland.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Is the right answer!
0:08:22 > 0:08:27APPLAUSE
0:08:27 > 0:08:29INAUDIBLE
0:08:29 > 0:08:30That was very impressive, Sue.
0:08:30 > 0:08:34Barbara Cartland flew the first glider that dispensed mail?
0:08:34 > 0:08:37- Yep, that's absolutely right. - Tell me it was painted pink.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40The glider was called The Barbara Cartland, as you can see. Yeah.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42- Where does she get her ideas? - Indeed.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Well, she was a flapper, she was a sort of deb.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46She was very much an aristocrat,
0:08:46 > 0:08:49part of the Bright Young Things - and they all loved to fly.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52- It was an expression of youth.- "Oh, because it was extremely good fun!
0:08:52 > 0:08:54"I mean, just really, really good to get in a glider
0:08:54 > 0:08:55"and just shove a few letters out.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58"Lovely, rollicking, good fun."
0:08:58 > 0:09:00One of the people I most admire in the 20th century was
0:09:00 > 0:09:02the writer PG Wodehouse.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04He had such an extraordinary sunny disposition
0:09:04 > 0:09:06and a genuine belief in the goodness of people.
0:09:06 > 0:09:11One of the things he did when he was in London, he would type letters,
0:09:11 > 0:09:14type the address, stamp it and throw it out the window.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17And he reasoned that the average Britain on seeing a stamped
0:09:17 > 0:09:20addressed envelope would put it in the nearest letterbox.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23And he claimed he never had a letter go astray.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26But then he never had a reply either.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31America's first airmail letters arrived by train.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Now, from airmail to e-mail.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37What's the most effective way to do a massive data dump?
0:09:37 > 0:09:39- Is it...? - LAUGHTER
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Is it - "Give your laptop to a British civil servant
0:09:41 > 0:09:43"to leave in a car?"
0:09:43 > 0:09:44LAUGHTER Yes, that will happen.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46- A data dump?- Yeah.
0:09:46 > 0:09:47I'm sorry about the picture,
0:09:47 > 0:09:49it's nothing to do with anything lavatorial.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52- Where have you got that from? - I've no idea.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54They just googled "data dump", and there you are.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56- Yeah.- The techno turd. - LAUGHTER
0:09:56 > 0:09:58No, don't... Forget that whole side of it. We...
0:09:58 > 0:10:01- No, I'm obsessed with that image. - It's our fault.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Our picture suggests the lavatory, but it's not about that.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05If you want to transfer HUGE amounts of data,
0:10:05 > 0:10:08- what's the best way to do it? - Dropbox.- Dropbox, yeah.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Dropbox. You send it... KLAXON
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Do you...? By data dump, do you mean to get the data somewhere else,
0:10:16 > 0:10:18- or do you mean to...? - To wipe it?- Yeah, exactly.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21- Oh sorry, the "wipe it" again, I mean...- No, not to wipe it.
0:10:21 > 0:10:22LAUGHTER
0:10:22 > 0:10:25But you always want to wipe after a data dump.
0:10:25 > 0:10:26I'll give you an example.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Enormous data sets that come from Hubble
0:10:28 > 0:10:31have to be transferred to different scientists,
0:10:31 > 0:10:33to interpret and to render the images
0:10:33 > 0:10:35and all these kind of... And they're huge data sets.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37So, what do they use to send it? Do they use Ethernet?
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Do they use...? What do they use? Fibre optics?
0:10:39 > 0:10:42See, I'm regretting in our house that we divvy up all the duties.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45You see, if you were to ask me about what factor sun cream
0:10:45 > 0:10:48to pack for my kids' holidays, it's kind of one of my things.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Technology is my husband's.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Would your husband do the data dump?
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Yeah, and light bulbs.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00But he gives more to the family than that, do you know what I mean?
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Do they just print it off?
0:11:02 > 0:11:04- No, that's...- Do they put it in the Cloud?- They don't put it...
0:11:04 > 0:11:07They run to a phone booth. They do all that, like in the old films.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10"I've got all the data. OK, have you got a pen? Listen."
0:11:10 > 0:11:11LAUGHTER
0:11:11 > 0:11:14"OK, first thing - a star, then a space, then another star..."
0:11:14 > 0:11:16- LAUGHTER - ..and do that for some time.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19What they do is they post it...
0:11:19 > 0:11:21in the mail, the ordinary mail.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24- It's quicker.- Bradley Wiggins delivers it.- It's quicker.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26It takes less than 24 hours for each transfer
0:11:26 > 0:11:28if you take it by mail.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Whereas, to transfer the complete data set,
0:11:30 > 0:11:31which is 120 terabytes,
0:11:31 > 0:11:34it would take 111 days...
0:11:34 > 0:11:36- if you did it by the internet. - To send?
0:11:36 > 0:11:37- You know, by e-mail.- Yeah.
0:11:37 > 0:11:38That is surprising, isn't it?
0:11:38 > 0:11:40And we've done some calculations.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43FedEx or UPS, or any of those,
0:11:43 > 0:11:45could deliver massive amounts of information
0:11:45 > 0:11:4764 times faster than the internet.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Based on the weight of packages which ship every day...
0:11:50 > 0:11:51They're going to love you!
0:11:51 > 0:11:54- I hope you're getting money from them for this!- No, it's just...
0:11:54 > 0:11:55I didn't... Oh, from FedEx.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58It all ends up on an island with Tom Hanks...
0:11:58 > 0:12:00"Faster than the internet." - Stephen Fry.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02..for three years.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Based on the weight of packages and the weight of memory cards,
0:12:04 > 0:12:09they could transport 2,222 terabytes per second.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12Now that... The whole internet, in 2016,
0:12:12 > 0:12:14is expected to be 34.5 terabytes a second.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16What's a terabyte, Stephen?
0:12:16 > 0:12:18- Well, you've got a byte... - Yes.- A byte.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20..a kilobyte...
0:12:20 > 0:12:21And then the terror-byte!
0:12:21 > 0:12:24- ..a megabyte...- Megabyte. - Yeah. Megabyte I can do, yeah.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26- Yeah, a megabyte. ..and then a gigabyte...- Yeah.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29..and a terabyte...
0:12:29 > 0:12:32..and then you have a petabyte, even bigger than that. Petabyte.
0:12:32 > 0:12:33But the expansion of memory,
0:12:33 > 0:12:37the expansion of processing power in computing is bewildering -
0:12:37 > 0:12:40partly because it doubles every two years,
0:12:40 > 0:12:42and do you know what that is called?
0:12:42 > 0:12:44It was predicted in the '60s that it would double.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47- A gobble, a gobble, a double gobble. - No, there was a man who predicted...
0:12:47 > 0:12:49- Oh, right.- ..that it would double every two years.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52His name was Gordon Moore and it's called Moore's Law,
0:12:52 > 0:12:54- and Moore's Law...- Oh, that's good.
0:12:54 > 0:12:55- That worked out well, didn't it? - Yeah.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Moore's Law has governed the astonishing rise in power
0:12:58 > 0:13:01and capacity in computing ever since.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04For a long, long time. It doubles and doubles and doubles.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06To give you an example of how breathtaking and bewildering it is,
0:13:06 > 0:13:09we've got some memory capacity here.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Here... This is from the '60s
0:13:11 > 0:13:14and it's rather elegant in its own little way.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17And it would have fitted into some sort of great, big cabinet
0:13:17 > 0:13:19that was part of a computing system.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21It's called the Univac 1004.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24And it's a core store memory module.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27And how much memory do you think that contains?
0:13:27 > 0:13:29A byte.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31No, it's a lot more than that.
0:13:31 > 0:13:32- A gigabyte.- A gigabyte.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Oh, no, it's nothing like as big as that.
0:13:34 > 0:13:35LAUGHTER
0:13:35 > 0:13:38- It's one kilobyte. - A kilobyte?!- Yeah.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40- There's a kilobyte, too. - What's a kilobyte?- I don't remember.
0:13:40 > 0:13:421,000 bytes.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44And look. I've got here, this -
0:13:44 > 0:13:46which is 128 gigabytes.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Can you see it? I'll put it there, it's a little...
0:13:48 > 0:13:51micro SD chip.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54And this, here,
0:13:54 > 0:14:00would have to weigh 140,229 metric tonnes...
0:14:00 > 0:14:02to carry this much information. LAUGHTER
0:14:02 > 0:14:05- In 1963.- Yeah. - That is hugely impractical.
0:14:05 > 0:14:06It's... Exactly.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09Just under six-and-a-half Ark Royal aircraft carriers...
0:14:09 > 0:14:11- I'd need an extension done. - LAUGHTER
0:14:11 > 0:14:13..if this was what you were using.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15And it just shows, this is an example of Moore's Law -
0:14:15 > 0:14:16you go from that to that.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Or maybe this.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Ah! There we are.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22- Look at that. Isn't that beautiful?- It is.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24It is a splendid piece of work, isn't it?
0:14:24 > 0:14:26- That's the middle of C-3PO. - LAUGHTER
0:14:26 > 0:14:30It's the Elliott 803 core store memory module.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32It was made in the early '60s, also,
0:14:32 > 0:14:34- and it weighs 7kg... - Wow.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37..and stores 20 kilobytes.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40LAUGHTER Wow!
0:14:40 > 0:14:41- Yeah.- How about that?
0:14:41 > 0:14:43- My favourite one...- Supercomputers.
0:14:43 > 0:14:47..is the Bryant Model-2 Series hard disk platter.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49- Mine too.- Yeah.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51I love that. I've got all of them.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53I have a poster. Did you have the poster?
0:14:53 > 0:14:56- Yeah, absolutely. I was obsessed. - I love it. I was in the club.
0:14:56 > 0:14:57- I had the... - GASPS AND LAUGHTER
0:14:57 > 0:14:58- There it is.- No!
0:14:58 > 0:15:00THAT is a hard disk.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Isn't that good?
0:15:02 > 0:15:04- It's a disk...- That's ludicrous!
0:15:04 > 0:15:06HE KNOCKS ON DISK ..and it's hard.
0:15:06 > 0:15:07LAUGHTER
0:15:07 > 0:15:10It's very rare for technology to double as S&M equipment, isn't it?
0:15:10 > 0:15:13LAUGHTER I think it's absolutely blissful.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15You look like a Borrower playing with a CD.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17I'm going to put that down again...
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Oh! ..because it's so heavy. Oh!
0:15:20 > 0:15:22It's made of magnesium alloy of some kind.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24- Careful, you'll scratch it. - LAUGHTER
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Yeah, I don't want to scratch it.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28It carried eight megabytes,
0:15:28 > 0:15:29so that was pretty impressive.
0:15:29 > 0:15:33- What's a megabyte?- And its drive... LAUGHTER
0:15:33 > 0:15:34Can't remember.
0:15:34 > 0:15:39The drive that operated the Bryant Model-2 Series hard disk platter,
0:15:39 > 0:15:42the brochure boasted its short warm-up time.
0:15:42 > 0:15:43Which was?
0:15:43 > 0:15:4415 minutes.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47- LAUGHTER - Oh.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49These are wonderful, I think, of the advances certainly in
0:15:49 > 0:15:52memory management and in capacity and everything else.
0:15:52 > 0:15:53It doesn't make us any better people.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56Well, listen, I ought to say that we are extremely grateful
0:15:56 > 0:16:01to the National Museum of Computing, who lent us these fabulous items.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04If you want a really great day out, and I'm completely ashamed about
0:16:04 > 0:16:07recommending it cos I'm a bit of a nerd when it comes to these things,
0:16:07 > 0:16:09then you could do a lot worse than visit
0:16:09 > 0:16:11the National Museum of Computing at Bletchley -
0:16:11 > 0:16:13where, of course, Enigma was cracked
0:16:13 > 0:16:17and it's the home of British engineering in that regard.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20So we deeply thank Robert Dowell and Angie Lewis.
0:16:20 > 0:16:24APPLAUSE
0:16:26 > 0:16:31Alan, when will I finally be able to replace you with a machine?
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Sooner than I would like.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37Mm-hm. Yeah, that's maybe true.
0:16:37 > 0:16:41There is a kind of, it's not a law, really, but when people predict
0:16:41 > 0:16:46robots that replace humans, they always say in about 15 years' time.
0:16:46 > 0:16:53That started in 1950. By 1965, they will have robots that replace us.
0:16:53 > 0:16:571965, it will be by 1980.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Presumably at some point that is true.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02It's presumably that at some point that prediction comes true.
0:17:02 > 0:17:03- Yes, it will be.- Or possibly was. - Yeah.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Well, indeed cos there are plenty of things in which humans
0:17:06 > 0:17:10have been replaced by computers. Can you think of any examples?
0:17:10 > 0:17:13At the supermarket, with self service.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15God, I hate those!
0:17:15 > 0:17:17I think instead of getting the self service tills
0:17:17 > 0:17:20they should have got robots behind the tills
0:17:20 > 0:17:22and just put them in a nice tabard...
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Even cheapest, to have the humans you already have who just go...
0:17:25 > 0:17:27beep, boop, beep, beep, boop.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Doing all the things they'd normally do.
0:17:29 > 0:17:33- Beep, boop, beep, beep. - Peter Crouch tactic.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Boop, boop, beep, boop.
0:17:35 > 0:17:40A friend of mine got so angry with those machines that he punched it.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42I'll so end up doing that.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45I'm sure that when I die and I'm in the crematorium,
0:17:45 > 0:17:46last sound I'll hear will be,
0:17:46 > 0:17:50"Unexpected item in the burning area."
0:17:50 > 0:17:51I once mooned on that,
0:17:51 > 0:17:54because I kept hearing, "Unexpected item in the bagging area."
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Literally, trousers down and said, "Now there is."
0:17:57 > 0:18:00- Had an absolute belly full of it. - Deal with it. Exactly.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03- Permanently.- Horrifying. Well, that is one area indeed.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05And of course, planes, flying planes.
0:18:05 > 0:18:10On an average, how long do you think pilots are in control of the flight?
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Like, 10% of the time or something.
0:18:13 > 0:18:14Less than that. Three minutes.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Three minutes?!
0:18:16 > 0:18:18That is an easy job, isn't it?
0:18:20 > 0:18:21It's pretty good, isn't it?
0:18:21 > 0:18:24You turn up to work, you work for a minute and a half and you go,
0:18:24 > 0:18:27"There we go," for ten hours.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Just the taxi into the runway, that three minutes.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32- It probably is. - And after that they go...
0:18:35 > 0:18:38A couple of scientists at Oxford, Carl Frey
0:18:38 > 0:18:41and Michael Osborne, have suggested that taxi drivers,
0:18:41 > 0:18:44security guards, jobs most likely to be replaced by robots.
0:18:44 > 0:18:4850% chance that computer programming could be outsourced to machines.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Cameramen have a 60% chance.
0:18:51 > 0:18:52Oh!
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Stay where you are. Don't worry. It's fine.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Television announcers only 10% apparently.
0:18:59 > 0:19:00Yes!
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Be a long time before comedians are replaced by machines.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06That doesn't affect anyone here.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11There are various teams around the world working on algorithms
0:19:11 > 0:19:12to create jokes.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14We've got two really weird ones here.
0:19:14 > 0:19:15Dreadful puns, but they're so...
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Surreal isn't the word, they're just odd.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21What do you call a washing machine with a September?
0:19:23 > 0:19:25I don't know, Stephen,
0:19:25 > 0:19:27what do you call a washing machine with a September?
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Autumnpoint. I don't know.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32An autumn-matic washing machine.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37- You nearly got it. - Yes, well, it's one of mine.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40I've been trying that for years in the clubs,
0:19:40 > 0:19:41never got anything out of it.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43A washing machine with a September?
0:19:43 > 0:19:46It hasn't quite got the point, has it?
0:19:46 > 0:19:50- No.- Or, what kind of preschool has a wine?
0:19:50 > 0:19:51Most of them.
0:19:53 > 0:19:54A playgrape.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58AUDIENCE GROANS
0:19:58 > 0:20:00So, hang on, they've taken presumably the end
0:20:00 > 0:20:02and then tried to back work the joke?
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Yeah, they take words that sound like other words a bit,
0:20:04 > 0:20:07so they obviously can find that automatic
0:20:07 > 0:20:10sounds like autumn, so they've got quite a good database of sounds.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Yeah, but just no sense of humour.
0:20:13 > 0:20:14Needs work, I think.
0:20:14 > 0:20:18I would love to see one of them at a club though.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21- ROBOT VOICE:- Sorry, this is all new.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24What was I going to say next? Please don't leave.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28What a funny idea.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30I think it's safe to say that artificial intelligence
0:20:30 > 0:20:32is still 15 years away.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Now then, for a question about mistakes,
0:20:34 > 0:20:37what's the real cost of parachute jumping?
0:20:37 > 0:20:38A shattered pelvis?
0:20:38 > 0:20:39It can be.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Why do most people jump off planes?
0:20:42 > 0:20:44- For charity.- Charity.- For charity.
0:20:44 > 0:20:45Well...
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Which is good, don't get me wrong. LAUGHTER
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Can I just say, it's only in that situation,
0:20:49 > 0:20:51falling out of a plane, that my hair makes sense.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53LAUGHTER
0:20:53 > 0:20:56I've been looking for a context for this for years.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58- It does, doesn't it? - Now, finally.- Whoosh.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Stephen appears quite frightened at the back there.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02- Well, I am...- Are you on fire?
0:21:02 > 0:21:07..because I probably know about the 1999 Perth Royal Infirmary study -
0:21:07 > 0:21:09which is most unfortunate.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12They looked at five years of charity jumps
0:21:12 > 0:21:17and found they resulted in injuries to 174 people, right?
0:21:17 > 0:21:19- Which cost the National Health Service...- Oh, no.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22over £600,000.
0:21:22 > 0:21:23How much had they raised?
0:21:23 > 0:21:27The average amount raised per person for charity was £30.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29So, every pound raised
0:21:29 > 0:21:33cost the NHS roughly £13.75.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Oh, that is so depressing, though.
0:21:35 > 0:21:40And, of course, about 70% of the jumps
0:21:40 > 0:21:43were raising money for NHS-related causes.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46- LAUGHTER - Oh, no. That is amazing.
0:21:46 > 0:21:47It is amazing, isn't it?
0:21:47 > 0:21:50The thing is, when you think about it, don't do something
0:21:50 > 0:21:53that is likely to injure yourself, if that's your game.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55"I'm having a sponsored catch-the-measles."
0:21:55 > 0:21:56LAUGHTER
0:21:56 > 0:21:59- Sponsored...- For Measles Relief. - Yeah, for Measles relief.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Sponsored spread cholera.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04- Bring typhus back...for charity. - LAUGHTER
0:22:04 > 0:22:06A lot of them are first-time jumpers, of course,
0:22:06 > 0:22:08and what happens is, very often,
0:22:08 > 0:22:11when the ground rushes up to meet you,
0:22:11 > 0:22:13you forget everything you've been taught
0:22:13 > 0:22:17and so all the bad things you've been told could happen, happen.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19And you need longer training,
0:22:19 > 0:22:21not necessarily on the details of how to roll and drop -
0:22:21 > 0:22:25but on how to prepare your mind so that you don't panic.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27- That's the key.- Is that a thing that they do in the paras then?
0:22:27 > 0:22:30So before they go behind enemy lines, are they there going,
0:22:30 > 0:22:32- "Hmm..."? - LAUGHTER
0:22:32 > 0:22:36"Just don't drop us yet, I'm not quite there."
0:22:36 > 0:22:37LAUGHTER Maybe. Maybe.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40I mean the fact is, it's a dangerous thing to do.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43And in the days of, you know, those great commando parachute drops,
0:22:43 > 0:22:46they're unlikely to survive more than three.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Well, but then there were people shooting at you then -
0:22:48 > 0:22:51which might actually make them more fun, these charity drops.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Certainly add a bit of spice.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56Well, there was a dog called Rob, in 1945,
0:22:56 > 0:23:01and this was in Africa and Italy, in the campaign there, and he...
0:23:01 > 0:23:04Apparently, he did 20 drops, and he won...
0:23:04 > 0:23:05For the RSPCA!
0:23:05 > 0:23:07He won the... LAUGHTER
0:23:07 > 0:23:09- Yes, quite!- Fundraising.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12He won the Dickin Medal, which is the VC for animals.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14They just open the door of the plane, throw a bone out
0:23:14 > 0:23:16and off he goes.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18But it wasn't until 2006 that it was revealed
0:23:18 > 0:23:20that his heroism was a hoax.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22- What?- Oh.- For morale?
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Well, not quite, actually. Well, sort of morale, in a way.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27It was that the couple from Shropshire,
0:23:27 > 0:23:30who had given the dog to the regiment, said,
0:23:30 > 0:23:31"Can we have him back, please?"
0:23:31 > 0:23:34And the regiment were so fond of him,
0:23:34 > 0:23:37they made-up all these things to show that he was indispensable.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39"He's a heroic dog, you will not believe what he can do."
0:23:39 > 0:23:42And so they went, "Oh, all right then, you'd better keep him,
0:23:42 > 0:23:44"I suppose. He's valuable for the war effort."
0:23:44 > 0:23:46- But he wasn't at all, he was just a mascot.- Brilliant.
0:23:46 > 0:23:47They just liked him.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Sending them pictures of him chewing Hitler's legs.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51LAUGHTER Yes, that's right.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55I presume that was the actual shape of his right front leg there.
0:23:55 > 0:23:59And they were like, "Look what he's done on his trip, he was so brave."
0:23:59 > 0:24:03After World War II, in America, they used surplus parachutes
0:24:03 > 0:24:06to help repopulate beavers into the wild.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08The idea was they'd shove them in a box.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11They first thought, "We'll shove them in a box and they'll fall
0:24:11 > 0:24:13"and then they'll gnaw their way out of the box."
0:24:13 > 0:24:16- Then they worried...- This doesn't sound like sexy times to me.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Just shove them in a box. They'll pull through.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20They worried that they'd eat through the box
0:24:20 > 0:24:23- while they were still in the air. - They chucked them out of a plane?
0:24:23 > 0:24:24- Yeah.- To repopulate...- Yeah. LAUGHTER
0:24:24 > 0:24:26There are huge areas of wilderness.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28- It's incredibly hard to... - Yes, it makes total sense.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30..give them their own territory.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Couldn't they have driven them there, Stephen?
0:24:32 > 0:24:34- They could have driven them there. - No... Wilderness.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Huge areas of wilderness. They're bigger than countries.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39- They're bigger than England, these...- What, beavers?!
0:24:39 > 0:24:41No, the parks! The parks. LAUGHTER
0:24:41 > 0:24:43"Bring me some massive beavers!"
0:24:43 > 0:24:45- The parks in which you wished to drop them.- OK.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47And you want to sort of get them disposed evenly around.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49- Why had they been dying out? - Oh, gosh.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52- People had been throwing them out of planes.- Yeah.
0:24:52 > 0:24:53LAUGHTER
0:24:53 > 0:24:55As you fall out, you gnaw your way out of your crate and go,
0:24:55 > 0:24:57"Oh, thanks a lot!"
0:24:57 > 0:24:59- "Well, this is the middle of... - HE MOUTHS- ..nowhere."
0:24:59 > 0:25:01LAUGHTER
0:25:01 > 0:25:02"I've got to go all the way back to Ottawa."
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Until another beaver lands on your head at high velocity.
0:25:05 > 0:25:06LAUGHTER
0:25:06 > 0:25:08The rest of the wildlife...
0:25:08 > 0:25:09The moose around there,
0:25:09 > 0:25:12"What is going on?!"
0:25:12 > 0:25:13Beavers coming out of the sky.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15"My God! It's actually happening!"
0:25:15 > 0:25:17"It's raining beavers."
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Part of the moose religious texts is that that's...
0:25:20 > 0:25:21LAUGHTER
0:25:21 > 0:25:24That's a sign of the rapture is when the beavers start dropping.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Well, they had tried moving them
0:25:26 > 0:25:29into new territories for them by mule
0:25:29 > 0:25:32and they just simply got too hot and they really didn't like it at all.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35- They put a beaver on horseback, essentially?- Yeah.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Well, you've got to transport it somehow.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39- What...? How would you transport it? - Well, I...
0:25:39 > 0:25:41But I don't understand why the beavers...
0:25:41 > 0:25:43- I don't understand any of this. - LAUGHTER
0:25:43 > 0:25:45They thought, "We can't..."
0:25:45 > 0:25:47"OK, there's no way we can drop them into a park,
0:25:47 > 0:25:49"other than from the sky."
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Or by mule, which you found also incomprehensible.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Is there a man with...?
0:25:54 > 0:25:57Or a lady with the beaver on horseback?
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Or is it just a beaver on horseback?
0:25:59 > 0:26:00LAUGHTER
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Of course there's a person.
0:26:02 > 0:26:03I'm confused.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05So, is it one beaver per mule?
0:26:05 > 0:26:07LAUGHTER
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Because then they're repopulating the place with mules,
0:26:09 > 0:26:12- as far as I can work it out. - LAUGHTER
0:26:12 > 0:26:15Yeah, the beavers didn't want to stay.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18The mules have forced the beavers further along...
0:26:18 > 0:26:20They were relying on the mule to find its way back.
0:26:20 > 0:26:21LAUGHTER
0:26:21 > 0:26:24More complicated than you think, this beaver transportation thing.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28Yeah, it is. Well, that was harder work than I expected.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31LAUGHTER
0:26:31 > 0:26:37In 1834, someone translated these ancient Swedish ruins.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40- What do you think they said? - Best before 1833.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46Don't try assembling the Billy bookcase from Ikea.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Is it particularly ghastly, the Billy bookcase?
0:26:49 > 0:26:51I think they all are. I don't know.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53I can't and won't...
0:26:53 > 0:26:56Have you noticed that you never see a lorry with Ikea on the side?
0:26:56 > 0:26:58- Don't you? - And that's because they transport
0:26:58 > 0:27:02so much stuff that it would freak you out if it had Ikea on the wagon.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05It would put the brand that much into your head, like,
0:27:05 > 0:27:08"Wow, they've taken over the world. This isn't great."
0:27:08 > 0:27:10So they just do it undercover in white wagons.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12- That's really interesting. - In white wagons.
0:27:12 > 0:27:16A friend told me that on the way back from the pub, so...
0:27:17 > 0:27:22As he was saying, just behind your head an Ikea lorry was just going.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26But it's good. You never see a lorry with that.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29You know that Eddie Stobart is the Swedish for Ikea.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Oh, I love an Eddie Stobart.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34I like how the front of Eddie Stobart lorries
0:27:34 > 0:27:37always have the name of the driver's lady love.
0:27:37 > 0:27:42I've always wanted to see just one of those guys in the Stobart livery,
0:27:42 > 0:27:44with the tie, and just "Keith".
0:27:46 > 0:27:49It would be great.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51"I love him."
0:27:51 > 0:27:55- Back to the ruins. It's in Runemo in Sweden.- So what is it?
0:27:55 > 0:27:58Well, from the 12th century it was believed to be a secret message
0:27:58 > 0:28:00written, no-one could solve it.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03The Royal Danish scientific society took a look in 1833.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06A scholar called Finnur Magnusson had a breakthrough.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09He announced that no-one else had been able to decipher them
0:28:09 > 0:28:12is that they were in Icelandic and they should be read backwards.
0:28:12 > 0:28:17And he came up with the ruin's poem telling you of a battle victory.
0:28:17 > 0:28:22And then they discovered in 2000-ish...
0:28:22 > 0:28:24- Oh, dear. I sense bad things. - Yeah.
0:28:24 > 0:28:28- Is it birds or something? - It's just cracks in the rock.
0:28:29 > 0:28:30Love it.
0:28:30 > 0:28:34He had worked on a copy someone else had made and it's just nothing.
0:28:34 > 0:28:37So he'd written some huge poem?
0:28:37 > 0:28:41That's right. It was 700 pages he wrote.
0:28:41 > 0:28:44He must have padded that out. Look at that.
0:28:44 > 0:28:48He thought it said this. Which is Runic for...
0:28:48 > 0:28:50Out of focus.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52STEPHEN READS OUT POEM
0:29:05 > 0:29:08I like that there's obviously two symbols that he just couldn't
0:29:08 > 0:29:11figure out and went, "They must be brackets."
0:29:11 > 0:29:13It's a nice thought that, isn't it?
0:29:13 > 0:29:16But what "Ole, hate" is about, I don't know.
0:29:16 > 0:29:18It's an early football chant.
0:29:19 > 0:29:23Yeah, the mysterious Runemo ruins turned out to be
0:29:23 > 0:29:24a load of old cracks.
0:29:24 > 0:29:27Now, we're off to the match and it's penalty time.
0:29:27 > 0:29:29For the best chance of success, where should you aim?
0:29:29 > 0:29:31At the ball.
0:29:31 > 0:29:33LAUGHTER
0:29:33 > 0:29:35- And then into the goal.- Wahey!
0:29:35 > 0:29:38I'm so bad at sport, my inclination would be to...
0:29:38 > 0:29:39I know where I'd hit it,
0:29:39 > 0:29:41so I would then just reverse my natural inclination.
0:29:41 > 0:29:43That would probably be the best.
0:29:43 > 0:29:45- So, a bit of game theory going on, on yourself?- Yes.
0:29:45 > 0:29:48- Yeah.- See, I'd go top right,
0:29:48 > 0:29:50which means that probably the best way would be bottom left...
0:29:50 > 0:29:53KLAXON
0:29:53 > 0:29:55Yeah, top corner either way is not the best.
0:29:55 > 0:29:57Is it "at the goalie?"
0:29:57 > 0:29:58Yes.
0:29:58 > 0:30:01- Because he's going to jump... - Yeah, because he's going to...
0:30:01 > 0:30:03- He's going to go.- Because the goalkeeper nearly always
0:30:03 > 0:30:06- goes one way or the other.- So you hit it straight down the middle?
0:30:06 > 0:30:08Straight down the middle is, far and away,
0:30:08 > 0:30:11the most statistical likely way of doing it.
0:30:11 > 0:30:14But it's odd, because footballers know this...
0:30:14 > 0:30:17because it's been, you know, obviously well gone over...
0:30:17 > 0:30:19and yet footballers don't.
0:30:19 > 0:30:21Is it because they just think they'd look so stupid
0:30:21 > 0:30:24- if they kicked it right at the keeper...- Yes!
0:30:24 > 0:30:25..and the keeper just caught it?
0:30:25 > 0:30:27If the one or two times out of 100,
0:30:27 > 0:30:30the goalkeeper does actually stay in the middle
0:30:30 > 0:30:31and the ball goes and hits him,
0:30:31 > 0:30:33the crowd would just boo their heads off
0:30:33 > 0:30:36and think that the penalty taker is the biggest idiot in the world.
0:30:36 > 0:30:38Although, statistically, he was doing exactly the right thing.
0:30:38 > 0:30:41So, they'd rather not look a fool. You're absolutely right.
0:30:41 > 0:30:43Because it's seen as 50/50.
0:30:43 > 0:30:45If the goalie goes the correct way and saves it,
0:30:45 > 0:30:47- it's still seen as all right, isn't it?- Yes.
0:30:47 > 0:30:50In fact, it's 57% in one direction,
0:30:50 > 0:30:5241% in the other.
0:30:52 > 0:30:54- Do you know which that might be? - Left. Left-right.- Left?
0:30:54 > 0:30:57- It's 57% left, yes. - Because you...
0:30:57 > 0:30:59- They go left more often. - ..use your right foot.
0:30:59 > 0:31:00And 2% in the middle.
0:31:00 > 0:31:02Three countries have an absolute
0:31:02 > 0:31:050% success record in penalty shoot-outs.
0:31:05 > 0:31:07They played two and lost two.
0:31:07 > 0:31:09- San Marino?- No, it's Gabon...
0:31:09 > 0:31:12- Micronesia.- ..Romania and Chile.
0:31:12 > 0:31:16But there's one country that's taken part in more than two
0:31:16 > 0:31:19and has the worst record of all in the world, apart from those three...
0:31:19 > 0:31:22- Is it England? - ..and it's England.- Yeah.
0:31:22 > 0:31:24- AUDIENCE GROANS - Why is that?- What a surprise(!)
0:31:24 > 0:31:26We've only ever won one.
0:31:26 > 0:31:28We've won one out of eight.
0:31:28 > 0:31:3312.5% success rate - as opposed to Germany, who've won 83% of theirs.
0:31:33 > 0:31:34Why is that then?
0:31:34 > 0:31:37Because, presumably, all teams have access to that
0:31:37 > 0:31:38very simple statistical information.
0:31:38 > 0:31:41Is it just the fact that it's now embedded in the psyche?
0:31:41 > 0:31:43- FAUX GERMAN ACCENT: - "You are weak, mentally weak."
0:31:43 > 0:31:45LAUGHTER
0:31:45 > 0:31:47- Do you think hypnotism would help? - Probably.
0:31:47 > 0:31:50- Of the keeper.- Of the keeper, yeah. - LAUGHTER
0:31:50 > 0:31:52- Of the keeper, like... - LAUGHTER
0:31:52 > 0:31:56I think if it was me, I'd stand by one post, feigning indifference...
0:31:56 > 0:31:59- Having a fag. - ..and, as they run up to take it,
0:31:59 > 0:32:01- I would sprint to the other post... - LAUGHTER
0:32:01 > 0:32:03..surely distracting him
0:32:03 > 0:32:05and, if he did go that way, it would hit me on the way past.
0:32:05 > 0:32:07LAUGHTER
0:32:07 > 0:32:09That would do it. Yep, that's the plain truth.
0:32:09 > 0:32:12To be successful in penalty shoot-outs,
0:32:12 > 0:32:15either go straight down the middle or be German.
0:32:15 > 0:32:16LAUGHTER
0:32:16 > 0:32:19Do an impression of the world's first mime.
0:32:19 > 0:32:22"Come back! I'm not supposed to be saying anything. Come back!"
0:32:22 > 0:32:25- Is it the one where you do...?- Oh.
0:32:25 > 0:32:27They do the... Is it that one?
0:32:27 > 0:32:31KLAXON Oh, they're all doing it.
0:32:31 > 0:32:33You're all doing activities.
0:32:33 > 0:32:36Where does the word "mime" come from, do you imagine?
0:32:36 > 0:32:40- "Twat in white gloves?"- Mimic? - LAUGHTER
0:32:40 > 0:32:42Mimic, the same root as the word mimic.
0:32:42 > 0:32:44You see...
0:32:44 > 0:32:45- Mimesis.- Yeah.
0:32:45 > 0:32:48- Greek word meaning... Yes, imitation.- Imitation, yeah.
0:32:48 > 0:32:52But imitation doesn't stick to physical movements, does it?
0:32:52 > 0:32:56No. So was it more like sort of Rorius Bremnerus?
0:32:56 > 0:32:58It was acting,
0:32:58 > 0:32:59it was full-on acting.
0:32:59 > 0:33:02Speech and movement and everything else.
0:33:02 > 0:33:05The world's first mime was a fellow called Sophron,
0:33:05 > 0:33:07who was much admired by Plato, amongst others.
0:33:07 > 0:33:10His audience don't seem to like him very much.
0:33:10 > 0:33:11Well, no, that's... LAUGHTER
0:33:11 > 0:33:13- They're punching him. - No, I think...
0:33:13 > 0:33:15They're recreating that night after Top Gear.
0:33:15 > 0:33:18LAUGHTER
0:33:18 > 0:33:21Very good. APPLAUSE
0:33:21 > 0:33:24In Rome, mimes were pretty amazing.
0:33:24 > 0:33:26Women took the female parts, which is just...
0:33:26 > 0:33:28- Scandalous!- Yeah.
0:33:28 > 0:33:29LAUGHTER
0:33:29 > 0:33:33Performers did not wear masks or formal acting shoes.
0:33:33 > 0:33:34LAUGHTER
0:33:34 > 0:33:36Oh! Forfend!
0:33:36 > 0:33:37"My formal acting shoes."
0:33:37 > 0:33:40"What kind of formal acting shoes would you wear?"
0:33:40 > 0:33:42The object... Now you'll like this, Alan.
0:33:42 > 0:33:44The object was to get laughs, no matter how obscene...
0:33:44 > 0:33:46LAUGHTER ..the jokes had to be.
0:33:46 > 0:33:50They all had a character called the "stupidus," or fool, who was some...
0:33:50 > 0:33:53- Who's actually the cleverest one of them all.- Yes. Now, exactly.
0:33:53 > 0:33:55LAUGHTER
0:33:55 > 0:33:57Sometimes they featured adultery live on stage.
0:33:57 > 0:33:59Wahey!
0:33:59 > 0:34:02- Or a little bit less, less... - Gets better by the minute!
0:34:02 > 0:34:03Less amusingly,
0:34:03 > 0:34:07live executions with actors replaced by condemned criminals.
0:34:07 > 0:34:10- Were they wearing the right shoes? - Yes.
0:34:10 > 0:34:13The church excommunicated all mimes in the fifth century AD.
0:34:13 > 0:34:15Not a moment too soon.
0:34:15 > 0:34:19- Why?- I guess, because they were pleasurable and...
0:34:19 > 0:34:21It's not why, it's...
0:34:21 > 0:34:24- It's hard because you can't scream. - LAUGHTER
0:34:24 > 0:34:28Marcel Marceau of course is the famous French mime
0:34:28 > 0:34:30with his character Bip. Bip on the left.
0:34:30 > 0:34:33And he's hardly recognisable as a man himself.
0:34:33 > 0:34:36- Has he been excommunicated? - I don't think he has.
0:34:36 > 0:34:39He did a sketch called walking in the wind,
0:34:39 > 0:34:41and do you know who was influenced by that?
0:34:41 > 0:34:43The people of East Anglia.
0:34:43 > 0:34:45Charlie Chaplin. The people of East Anglia.
0:34:45 > 0:34:48No, not Charlie Chaplin. It's Michael Jackson.
0:34:48 > 0:34:51Moonwalking was essentially derived from Marcel Marceau.
0:34:51 > 0:34:53Is that where the white glove comes from?
0:34:53 > 0:34:55- Like an homage to... - Maybe, yes.
0:34:55 > 0:34:57And the scary white face.
0:34:57 > 0:35:00LAUGHTER
0:35:03 > 0:35:05Very good.
0:35:05 > 0:35:07The first mimes had plenty to say for themselves.
0:35:07 > 0:35:11If you want something, what's the magic word?
0:35:11 > 0:35:13"Darling..."
0:35:13 > 0:35:15LAUGHTER
0:35:15 > 0:35:17"Please."
0:35:17 > 0:35:19KLAXON
0:35:19 > 0:35:21LAUGHTER
0:35:21 > 0:35:24This is something that's been researched.
0:35:24 > 0:35:25There is a particular word.
0:35:25 > 0:35:28Let's suppose that you queue-barge.
0:35:28 > 0:35:33Now, in general, if you queue-barge apologetically and charmingly,
0:35:33 > 0:35:3660% of people will let you in without too much complaint -
0:35:36 > 0:35:38this was done for a queue to a photocopier -
0:35:38 > 0:35:41but if you used this one word in your sentence,
0:35:41 > 0:35:44you would get 95% of people letting you in quite happily.
0:35:44 > 0:35:47- Smallpox? - LAUGHTER
0:35:47 > 0:35:50- Letting you in...- "I've got the smallpox. Can I get in?"
0:35:50 > 0:35:52Letting you in, not abandoning the queue.
0:35:52 > 0:35:55- It's a good thought though. - It's probably better though.
0:35:55 > 0:35:57- "Unclean, unclean."- What do you say?
0:35:57 > 0:35:59Do you say, "Room for a small one?"
0:35:59 > 0:36:02You say, "I like your blouse. Can I come in?"
0:36:02 > 0:36:04LAUGHTER It's one word.
0:36:04 > 0:36:06"Because.
0:36:06 > 0:36:09"Because. Yeah, because I've got some photocopying to do."
0:36:09 > 0:36:12And it's obvious you've got photocopying to do,
0:36:12 > 0:36:14you've gone to the front of the photocopying queue,
0:36:14 > 0:36:16- but just saying "because" is the magic word.- You can't...
0:36:16 > 0:36:19It unlocks people's objection. "Because I'm in a hurry."
0:36:19 > 0:36:20"Do you mind? Because I'm in a hurry."
0:36:20 > 0:36:23Can you turn to someone and go, "Because!"
0:36:23 > 0:36:24LAUGHTER Maybe.
0:36:24 > 0:36:26# Because, because, because, because... #
0:36:26 > 0:36:28Obviously there are...
0:36:28 > 0:36:31There are variables in terms of attitude and niceness.
0:36:31 > 0:36:33# I'm off to see the wizard... #
0:36:33 > 0:36:34"Because!"
0:36:34 > 0:36:36"All right, go in front, Christ!"
0:36:36 > 0:36:38LAUGHTER
0:36:38 > 0:36:42- He's going to do the whole musical. - You're ever so silly. Oh, dear.
0:36:42 > 0:36:45# The wonderful Wizard of Oz... # "All right, go in front of me!"
0:36:45 > 0:36:48Well, I can illustrate the answer, actually,
0:36:48 > 0:36:50because - say it's a magical word here, this is...
0:36:50 > 0:36:52- You know I like to do little magical moments...- I know.
0:36:52 > 0:36:54..because it's the M series here -
0:36:54 > 0:36:56and we've got, as you can see, MAGICAL.
0:36:56 > 0:36:59So, what we do is, we take all the letters from MAGICAL...
0:36:59 > 0:37:01As you can see, I hope.
0:37:01 > 0:37:02..and we shuffle them about.
0:37:02 > 0:37:04- I'll have one from the bottom, please.- Well...
0:37:04 > 0:37:07Or from anywhere else, please, Carol.
0:37:07 > 0:37:09What I'll do is, I'll give you... I'll give you the numbers,
0:37:09 > 0:37:12so you can call out where you want the letter to go.
0:37:12 > 0:37:14- Do you see?- OK. Yes, sir.
0:37:14 > 0:37:17So I'll pick a letter up and you decide where it goes, all right.
0:37:17 > 0:37:18- Three.- Three?
0:37:18 > 0:37:21One, two, three, isn't it? There. Yeah.
0:37:21 > 0:37:22- Smooth.- Seven.
0:37:22 > 0:37:25Seven? All right. This will go in seven.
0:37:25 > 0:37:28- Are you sure seven?- Five. - All right, OK.- Five.
0:37:28 > 0:37:29One, two, three, four, five. Yeah.
0:37:29 > 0:37:31- One.- One, oh...
0:37:31 > 0:37:33- This is what happens when you do these things.- Four.
0:37:33 > 0:37:37Four? Oh, God, you had to do that, didn't you?
0:37:37 > 0:37:38- Yeah?- Two.- Two.
0:37:38 > 0:37:40Two? All right, all right, all right.
0:37:40 > 0:37:42And what are the chances? What are the chances?
0:37:42 > 0:37:45What are the chances?!
0:37:45 > 0:37:50APPLAUSE
0:37:51 > 0:37:54The laws of physics absolutely defied on this programme.
0:37:54 > 0:37:56It's frightening. LAUGHTER
0:37:56 > 0:37:59Now - since this whole show has been about Misconceptions -
0:37:59 > 0:38:01this week, we've replaced General Ignorance
0:38:01 > 0:38:05with a test of your M-themed general knowledge.
0:38:05 > 0:38:08There are lots and lots of points to be won in this quickfire round,
0:38:08 > 0:38:09so fingers on buzzers.
0:38:09 > 0:38:12What's the capital of Mexico? BUZZARD
0:38:12 > 0:38:13Mexico City.
0:38:13 > 0:38:16Is the right answer. Very good. Name the deepest part of the ocean?
0:38:16 > 0:38:18- BUZZARD Yes?- The Mariana...
0:38:18 > 0:38:20Marianas Trench or something?
0:38:20 > 0:38:22The Mariana Trench is the right answer.
0:38:22 > 0:38:24If something is genuine, it's the real...?
0:38:24 > 0:38:25- BUZZER - McCoy.
0:38:25 > 0:38:28Oh. KLAXON
0:38:28 > 0:38:29LAUGHTER
0:38:29 > 0:38:31No, the original phrase is McKay.
0:38:31 > 0:38:34That's 42 years older than the phrase - "the real McCoy."
0:38:34 > 0:38:37It's from G McKay, the Scottish distillers.
0:38:37 > 0:38:39There you are.
0:38:39 > 0:38:41FAUX SCOTTISH ACCENT: "A drappie o' the real McKay."
0:38:41 > 0:38:44So, what city can be found on the Moscow River?
0:38:44 > 0:38:46- BUZZER Yes?- Moscow.
0:38:46 > 0:38:48Is the right answer!
0:38:48 > 0:38:50What's the name of Cameron Mackintosh's
0:38:50 > 0:38:51Abba-themed London Musical?
0:38:51 > 0:38:53- BUZZARD Yes?- Mamma Mia.
0:38:53 > 0:38:56BUZZER Mamma Mia? Oh, Alan!
0:38:56 > 0:38:58KLAXON
0:38:58 > 0:39:00No, indeed. BUZZER
0:39:00 > 0:39:02Mamma Mia was produced by Judy Craymer -
0:39:02 > 0:39:05but, before that, a musical called Abbacadabra,
0:39:05 > 0:39:07produced by Cameron Mackintosh,
0:39:07 > 0:39:11- staged at the Lyric, Hammersmith, in 1983.- Oh!- Yeah.
0:39:11 > 0:39:13So, who created Miss Marple?
0:39:13 > 0:39:15BUZZER Yes?
0:39:15 > 0:39:16Agatha Christie.
0:39:16 > 0:39:19- Of course. You see, nothing to be frightened of.- I'm scared now.
0:39:19 > 0:39:21LAUGHTER That's the point...
0:39:21 > 0:39:23- I'm really scared. - ..we want you scared.
0:39:23 > 0:39:25Agatha Christie, of course, created Miss Marple.
0:39:25 > 0:39:28What's the gambling capital of the world?
0:39:28 > 0:39:30- BUZZER Yes?- Las Vegas.
0:39:30 > 0:39:33Oh! KLAXON
0:39:33 > 0:39:36- Oh, that was really unlucky. - I don't know.
0:39:36 > 0:39:38- Is it Croydon?- Dubai?- "Croydon." LAUGHTER
0:39:38 > 0:39:40It's seven times bigger than Las Vegas.
0:39:40 > 0:39:43- BUZZER - It's Hong Kong.
0:39:43 > 0:39:45- No. You're in the right area. - The other one.
0:39:45 > 0:39:46- What's our themed letter?- M. M...
0:39:46 > 0:39:48- AUDIENCE CALL OUT:- Macau.
0:39:48 > 0:39:51Audience gets the points. BUZZER
0:39:51 > 0:39:52APPLAUSE
0:39:52 > 0:39:55- I guessed on your behalf. - It's Macau.- Macau.- Is it really?
0:39:55 > 0:39:57- Yes.- Where's your sheep, though? Hey!
0:39:57 > 0:40:00- It's Ma-cow.- Here's me cow.
0:40:00 > 0:40:02LAUGHTER
0:40:02 > 0:40:04- Very, very, very, very...- Me cow.
0:40:04 > 0:40:06..very amusing!
0:40:06 > 0:40:08LAUGHTER
0:40:08 > 0:40:11Macau is the gambling capital of the world.
0:40:11 > 0:40:12Where's your cow?
0:40:12 > 0:40:14Which planet is closest to the sun?
0:40:14 > 0:40:17- BUZZER - Mercury.
0:40:17 > 0:40:19Is of course the right answer.
0:40:19 > 0:40:22How long do mayflies live for? BUZZER
0:40:22 > 0:40:2417 hours.
0:40:24 > 0:40:26Oh, no. BUZZER
0:40:26 > 0:40:28That's a good answer. You didn't say a day.
0:40:28 > 0:40:30No, it's not a day and it's not...
0:40:30 > 0:40:32- BUZZER - Ages.
0:40:32 > 0:40:33Ages is the right answer.
0:40:33 > 0:40:36- No, up to four years.- Four years?!
0:40:36 > 0:40:38- This is nonsense.- Not in that form.
0:40:38 > 0:40:40But from the larva all the way through.
0:40:40 > 0:40:42They have a long, long lifespan.
0:40:42 > 0:40:45So they're in their adult form for 17...
0:40:45 > 0:40:48- Yes, for a day. - A day and they're kids for...
0:40:48 > 0:40:51As juveniles, they have a long, long time.
0:40:51 > 0:40:52That's double a hamster.
0:40:52 > 0:40:55I'm going to get those beauties for my kids.
0:40:56 > 0:40:58"Oh, lovely mayfly."
0:40:58 > 0:41:01Your last chance for lots of points is a picture round.
0:41:01 > 0:41:05Please draw a picture of a juvenile fruit fly brain.
0:41:08 > 0:41:10A juvenile fruit fly brain?
0:41:10 > 0:41:11Yes, indeed.
0:41:11 > 0:41:13All right.
0:41:13 > 0:41:15I'll wager...
0:41:15 > 0:41:17that it doesn't have one.
0:41:17 > 0:41:20LAUGHTER
0:41:20 > 0:41:21I'm going to do it...
0:41:21 > 0:41:22So, we've already got...
0:41:22 > 0:41:26We've got there, from Chris's juvenile fruit fly brain
0:41:26 > 0:41:28- to scale.- I've done a banana. What have you drawn?
0:41:28 > 0:41:30You've got a strawberry.
0:41:30 > 0:41:32Well, the shattering news for you, Alan -
0:41:32 > 0:41:33and it really is disappointing -
0:41:33 > 0:41:36is that, for once, what you usually draw could have worked.
0:41:36 > 0:41:39- What, it's like...- It's a cock and balls!- ..a cock and balls?
0:41:39 > 0:41:41- No!- Yes! LAUGHTER
0:41:41 > 0:41:42There they are.
0:41:43 > 0:41:45WHISTLING
0:41:45 > 0:41:47You see, the one time you didn't.
0:41:47 > 0:41:50The one time you behaved. Oh, you did?
0:41:50 > 0:41:52- Before the show.- Before the show.
0:41:52 > 0:41:53Before the show? I see.
0:41:53 > 0:41:56We got the cock and balls out of our system before the show.
0:41:56 > 0:41:58- LAUGHTER - We got that out of the way.
0:41:58 > 0:42:00First thing you do when you arrive. Do the cock and balls.
0:42:00 > 0:42:03Do the cock and balls, then you won't make a fool of yourself
0:42:03 > 0:42:05by drawing a cock and balls on the programme.
0:42:05 > 0:42:07Well, on that cock-shell, let's take a look at...
0:42:07 > 0:42:08LAUGHTER
0:42:08 > 0:42:10Let's take a look at the scores.
0:42:10 > 0:42:13It's pretty exciting, because we have a clear winner,
0:42:13 > 0:42:15on a staggering...
0:42:15 > 0:42:16plus - and minus - zero,
0:42:16 > 0:42:20is Chris Addison. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:20 > 0:42:21How?
0:42:21 > 0:42:24In second place...
0:42:24 > 0:42:26with a highly impressive minus six,
0:42:26 > 0:42:31Sue Perkins. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:31 > 0:42:34Usually this would be good enough to win the wooden spoon, Sara,
0:42:34 > 0:42:38it's a brilliant first appearance to get minus 13...
0:42:38 > 0:42:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:40 > 0:42:44..but it takes an old hand to do really, really badly at this game,
0:42:44 > 0:42:47- Alan Davies on minus 54!- 54?!
0:42:47 > 0:42:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:54 > 0:42:57So it's thank you from Sara, Chris, Sue, Alan and me.
0:42:57 > 0:43:00And I leave you with this from Charlie Brown.
0:43:00 > 0:43:04"Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?'
0:43:04 > 0:43:06"Then a voice says to me,
0:43:06 > 0:43:09" 'This is going to take more than one night.' "
0:43:09 > 0:43:12LAUGHTER Goodnight.
0:43:12 > 0:43:14APPLAUSE