0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Goooooood evening!
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening
0:00:33 > 0:00:36and welcome to QI,
0:00:36 > 0:00:40where tonight we're on parade for all things military.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44Here to do battle are the flag-waving Jimmy Carr.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48APPLAUSE
0:00:48 > 0:00:50The sabre-rattling Sheila Hancock.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53APPLAUSE
0:00:53 > 0:00:57The war-mongering Jeremy Clarkson.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00APPLAUSE
0:01:01 > 0:01:03And the ambulance-driving Alan Davies.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06APPLAUSE
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Now their buzzers are suitably belligerent.
0:01:11 > 0:01:12Jimmy goes...
0:01:12 > 0:01:16MUSIC: Theme from The Great Escape
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Sheila goes...
0:01:21 > 0:01:25MUSIC: Theme from 633 Squadron
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Jeremy goes...
0:01:27 > 0:01:31MUSIC: Ride Of The Valkyries by Wagner
0:01:34 > 0:01:35And Alan goes...
0:01:35 > 0:01:38March! March! March! March!
0:01:38 > 0:01:40March! March! March!
0:01:41 > 0:01:42Nice!
0:01:42 > 0:01:47What was unusual about Britain's war with Finland in 1941?
0:01:49 > 0:01:50Jeremy?
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Well, not a shot was fired.
0:01:53 > 0:01:54Oooh...
0:01:54 > 0:01:56No, it was the only time, I think,
0:01:56 > 0:01:59that two democracies have ever gone to war with one another.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02KLAXON
0:02:03 > 0:02:05- That's a hell of an alarm.- Yeah.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07- Does it know what we're thinking? - Yes, definitely.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09How did you know that?
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Welcome to my world!
0:02:12 > 0:02:1611 years ago, Jeremy Clarkson, you said, on this very programme...
0:02:16 > 0:02:17That that was true!
0:02:17 > 0:02:20..that the 1941 Anglo-Finnish War was the only one
0:02:20 > 0:02:22fought between two democracies.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26Yeah. Well, have we declared war, since the show, started on France?
0:02:26 > 0:02:28No, there had been others before.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31A viewer named Otto Lowe has written to us...
0:02:31 > 0:02:34- Otto? He'd know! - ..to point out that we were wrong.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36So we're retro-actively taking points from you today.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38LAUGHTER
0:02:38 > 0:02:41You had a slightly bad start to the year, but now it's got terrible!
0:02:41 > 0:02:43LAUGHTER
0:02:43 > 0:02:46- I'm really sorry. - It is 11 years ago I mentioned it!
0:02:46 > 0:02:51There was the fourth Anglo-Dutch War of 1780 to 1784.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53- The Football War of 1969... - What was that?
0:02:53 > 0:02:55..between El Salvador and Honduras.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57- Football War?- The Football War.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Had Honduras kicked a football into their...?
0:02:59 > 0:03:01LAUGHTER
0:03:01 > 0:03:03It only lasted ten hours, it must be said.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Was there a half-time?
0:03:05 > 0:03:06LAUGHTER
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Well, I'll go back to my original answer, then,
0:03:08 > 0:03:11which was not a shot was fired.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13I'm afraid that's not true, either.
0:03:13 > 0:03:1513 people were killed in the Anglo-Finnish War.
0:03:15 > 0:03:20The British attacked a port called Petsamo on 30th July, 1941.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24I still think it's the only proper war fought between two democracies.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Oh, give in, Jeremy, give in.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29LAUGHTER
0:03:29 > 0:03:32If you'd gone home after the programme and looked it up,
0:03:32 > 0:03:34then you'd have known.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36I did look it up before I mentioned it 11 years ago!
0:03:36 > 0:03:38LAUGHTER
0:03:38 > 0:03:41Well, Wikipedia has got more accurate since then. But, erm...
0:03:41 > 0:03:44LAUGHTER
0:03:44 > 0:03:48The fact is, despite its reputation, the Anglo-Finnish War of 1941
0:03:48 > 0:03:51is not the only time two democracies have fought each other.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Now, if I can be serious for a moment.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55More than 100 million people were killed
0:03:55 > 0:03:57in wars during the 20th century
0:03:57 > 0:04:00and the total number of people ever killed by wars
0:04:00 > 0:04:02could be as many as one billion.
0:04:02 > 0:04:07Einstein described war as "a cloak that covers acts of murder."
0:04:07 > 0:04:12And Antoine de Saint-Exupery called it "a disease, like typhus."
0:04:12 > 0:04:15With all that in mind, here is my question to you.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Why did Hitler have such a silly moustache?
0:04:18 > 0:04:20LAUGHTER
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Thank God for that! I thought I was on the wrong show for a minute.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25It all got very serious.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27I'm sure you'd agree with my description of war, Sheila?
0:04:27 > 0:04:29I would, absolutely.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32This is a difficult show for me to be on because I'm a Quaker pacifist.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35So I'm not an ideal person on the thing.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Were you born a Quaker?
0:04:37 > 0:04:39No, I wasn't. I was "a Quaker by convincement," as they call it.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41- Is that what it's called?- Yeah. Yeah.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Because my family, the Fry family, were very early Quakers.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46- Of course they were, yeah. - It's a very admirable thing.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48- And the pacifism is taken very seriously, isn't it?- Yes.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Well, it's a lovely thing until Hitler comes along
0:04:51 > 0:04:53and then it's not much use.
0:04:53 > 0:04:58Well, if we'd have done something about it before Hitler came along,
0:04:58 > 0:05:00- then maybe we would have... - Shaved his moustache off!
0:05:00 > 0:05:02And I think the reason he had that moustache
0:05:02 > 0:05:05is he was probably a fan of Oliver Hardy.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09Ah, well, it's certainly true that they were popular in the '20s
0:05:09 > 0:05:12and increasingly in the '30s among...
0:05:12 > 0:05:14- Well, Charlie Chaplin, of course, is best known.- Exactly.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18But, supposedly, Hitler changed from
0:05:18 > 0:05:21what was a relatively bushy moustache...
0:05:21 > 0:05:23You may have seen a famous photograph of him as a gefreiter,
0:05:23 > 0:05:26a corporal, in the First World War. There he is on the left.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29But there are a couple of stories. No-one's quite sure which is true.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33There was a fellow who served with him, Alexander Moritz Frey -
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Great Uncle Alexander -
0:05:35 > 0:05:39he was in the same regiment in the First World War as Hitler
0:05:39 > 0:05:42and he said that Hitler trimmed it into the familiar toothbrush
0:05:42 > 0:05:45in order to fit into the gas mask properly.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Frey's account is controversial, apparently.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50He went on to become a satirist and fantasy novelist,
0:05:50 > 0:05:52starting a family tradition.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54And so...
0:05:54 > 0:05:57But here's a point about Hitler. He's judged very harshly by history,
0:05:57 > 0:05:59but he did kill Hitler.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01LAUGHTER
0:06:03 > 0:06:05APPLAUSE
0:06:06 > 0:06:09That's... I can't take that away from you, Jimmy.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11- Credit when credit is due. - That's true.
0:06:11 > 0:06:16Some historians believe that Hitler only adopted the 'tache in 1919.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18And his sister-in-law, who lived in Liverpool...
0:06:18 > 0:06:20What, she had one as well?
0:06:20 > 0:06:21LAUGHTER
0:06:21 > 0:06:24She may have done. Do you know what her name was?
0:06:24 > 0:06:26- Muriel.- Almost, as it were.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Scouse Adolf.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30- Bridget Hitler.- Bridget Hitler...?
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Yeah, that was her name. Bridget Hitler.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34- Bridget Hitler?!- Is that true?
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Yes. She was married to Alois Junior, who was Hitler's half-brother.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40And they had a son, William Patrick Hitler.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Billy Hitler!
0:06:42 > 0:06:43William Patrick Hitler went to America
0:06:43 > 0:06:46and won a Purple Heart in the Navy.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Changed his name, I presume.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Eventually, to Stuart-Houston, I think.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54And he claimed he wanted to forget anything to do with his uncle,
0:06:54 > 0:06:58but he named his first son Alexander Adolf Stuart-Houston.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00LAUGHTER
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Aren't there still, in the American phone book...?
0:07:02 > 0:07:03I know there's a weird fact,
0:07:03 > 0:07:05it's quite interesting, might work on this show,
0:07:05 > 0:07:09where there's still, I think, nine people called Adolf Hitler...
0:07:09 > 0:07:12- Really?- ..that were obviously born before he came to...
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Oh, watch it, because in 11 years they're going to ask you a question.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17LAUGHTER
0:07:17 > 0:07:19- Oh, Jesus!- You'll be, "Arrgh!"
0:07:19 > 0:07:21You're simmering about that, aren't you?
0:07:21 > 0:07:23I'm not a sore loser, but...
0:07:23 > 0:07:24Yeah.
0:07:24 > 0:07:28Anyway, yes, Bridget in her memoirs said that he came to visit Liverpool
0:07:28 > 0:07:31and that she told him that he should trim the ends of his moustache
0:07:31 > 0:07:32to make it less bushy.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35But as she put it, "As in most things, he went too far."
0:07:35 > 0:07:37LAUGHTER
0:07:37 > 0:07:39That's put him in his place.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Hey, take it easy, Bridget.
0:07:41 > 0:07:42Yeah, I know!
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Yeah, and speaking of things going a little bit too far,
0:07:45 > 0:07:46here's a question on mutinies.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Everybody remembers the mutiny on the Bounty,
0:07:49 > 0:07:50but give me the name and rank
0:07:50 > 0:07:53of the man who was overthrown and cast adrift in an open boat?
0:07:53 > 0:07:56- Christian.- Fletcher Christian. Wasn't he the one that...?
0:07:56 > 0:07:59KLAXON
0:08:01 > 0:08:04Is this just the BBC still getting at me?
0:08:04 > 0:08:06LAUGHTER
0:08:06 > 0:08:09APPLAUSE
0:08:09 > 0:08:12You were about to correct Sheila, weren't you?
0:08:12 > 0:08:14I was about to say, no, Fletcher Christian was the one who...
0:08:14 > 0:08:15The mutineer.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18..did the mutinying, but Captain...
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Was he a captain and was he called Bligh?
0:08:20 > 0:08:23KLAXON
0:08:23 > 0:08:26He was called Bligh. He was called William Bligh.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28But he was a lieutenant commander.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30I thought it was Marlon Brando.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32KLAXON
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Oops, what happened there?
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Yeah, he was a commanding lieutenant on the Bounty
0:08:36 > 0:08:39and there was a mutiny, and what was the mutiny about,
0:08:39 > 0:08:42what was the prime cause of it?
0:08:42 > 0:08:45- They couldn't get Netflix. - LAUGHTER
0:08:45 > 0:08:48- You would think they could... - Was there a shuffleboard incident?
0:08:48 > 0:08:52- They could flick their net to catch...- Bligh was being too strict.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Well, they had been in Tahiti,
0:08:54 > 0:08:57where they had enjoyed the hospitality of Tahitian women.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01Beautiful food and fabulous climate and they just loved it so much,
0:09:01 > 0:09:04and Bligh insisted that they all get back on the boat,
0:09:04 > 0:09:05to get back to their duties.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Do you remember what the duties of the Bounty were?
0:09:08 > 0:09:12- They were collecting flowers, or something. No, some food.- Yes!
0:09:12 > 0:09:15- Breadfruit.- Breadfruit, that's it.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19Because they thought that may be the magical food for the British Navy.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22But they were really resentful at the idea that they had to get back
0:09:22 > 0:09:25to their duties and they eventually cast him adrift in an open boat.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27And they gave him just a sextant and a pocket watch
0:09:27 > 0:09:29and, miraculously, he made it all the way to Timor.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31It was a remarkable feat.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34But Bligh seems to have had problems commanding people,
0:09:34 > 0:09:36because he was made Governor of New South Wales
0:09:36 > 0:09:38quite a few years after the mutiny, and they mutinied.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41There was a military putsch to kick him out.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44- He obviously had the knack. - He had a bit of a knack.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47- So this guy had a knack of upsetting people he worked with.- Yeah.
0:09:47 > 0:09:48All right...
0:09:48 > 0:09:51LAUGHTER
0:09:53 > 0:09:57Yes, other mutinies - describe the Mutiny of the Monkeys.
0:10:00 > 0:10:01Mutiny of the Monkeys?
0:10:01 > 0:10:04It seems to be that the one in the middle is going to an England match.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Peter Tork had had enough.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Oh, The Monkees! Very good.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11- See what I did there? - I do see what you did there.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13He wanted a go on the hat,
0:10:13 > 0:10:16and the one who always had the hat wouldn't let him have the hat.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Anyway, the gig was cancelled.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24The one who had the hat, his mum invented Post-It notes.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28Yes, which came about because they were bad stickers.
0:10:28 > 0:10:29- Yeah.- Yes.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31They were actually a failure,
0:10:31 > 0:10:34because they didn't stick properly, then they thought, hang on a minute.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36They should have used superglue,
0:10:36 > 0:10:39because that never sticks anything to anything.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41- It doesn't!- I've lost the thread of this conversation!
0:10:41 > 0:10:43LAUGHTER
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Yes, you may not be alone, Sheila!
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Somehow, they were talking about...
0:10:47 > 0:10:50You see, it was the Mutiny of the Monkeys, showing pictures of monkeys,
0:10:50 > 0:10:53- they were talking about the pop group...- I was there with that.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55One of them... Who wears the hat, Mike Nesmith?
0:10:55 > 0:10:57His mother invented Post-It notes...
0:10:57 > 0:11:02- Or was it Tippex?- It was in fact Tippex.- Was it Tippex?- Yup.- Oh!
0:11:03 > 0:11:07Oh, well, you got a free Post-It note fact, anyway.
0:11:07 > 0:11:08Yeah, very true.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12So, no, we are in the world of primates here, actual monkeys.
0:11:12 > 0:11:13Mutiny of the Monkeys?
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Well, it was called the Monkey Mutiny, it was in 1890,
0:11:16 > 0:11:19a British vessel called the Margaret,
0:11:19 > 0:11:21which travelled from Durban to Boston
0:11:21 > 0:11:25and it contained a consignment of 400 cockatoos, 12 snakes,
0:11:25 > 0:11:29two crocodiles, some monkeys, a gorilla and an orang-utan,
0:11:29 > 0:11:31to be delivered to an American zoo.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Almost immediately, things started to go wrong.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37I think I've seen a documentary about this.
0:11:37 > 0:11:38Is it called The Life Of Pi?
0:11:41 > 0:11:44- More or less, yes! - Sorry, that actually happened?
0:11:44 > 0:11:47- With the tiger, yes. - So, come on, what kicked off...
0:11:47 > 0:11:48They were on a boat...
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Well, the rats ate the grain, which was intended for the cockatoos,
0:11:51 > 0:11:55- so they all died.- The cockatoos? - 400 cockatoos, dead.
0:11:55 > 0:11:56Food for the crocodiles!
0:11:56 > 0:12:00Yeah, there was a storm, the snakes and the crocodiles escaped,
0:12:00 > 0:12:03so, the crew barricaded themselves into their cabins
0:12:03 > 0:12:06and wouldn't go out, but then, fortunately, the crocodiles
0:12:06 > 0:12:08and snakes fought each other until there was only one
0:12:08 > 0:12:12crocodile left, and eventually some cargo fell on it and it was killed.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15So, the truth could then come out...
0:12:15 > 0:12:17And they all got new shoes.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21Then, the monkeys escaped and climbed the rigging,
0:12:21 > 0:12:24then they were swept off to sea and drowned.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Where were the human beings while all this was happening?
0:12:27 > 0:12:29- Shitting themselves! - They had hidden themselves
0:12:29 > 0:12:32in their cabin for a lot of it. They were scared.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34But by the time they did get to Boston, there was a gorilla,
0:12:34 > 0:12:38three monkeys and four parrots left, out of that whole consignment.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41That is why Boston Zoo is shit.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47- That's the survivors' photo, then!- Yes, exactly!
0:12:47 > 0:12:51Anyway, so, a mob of monkeys caused a mutiny on the Margaret.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53What's a better way to get out of the Army than shooting
0:12:53 > 0:12:55yourself in the foot?
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Putting your underpants on your head and pencils up your nostrils.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01KLAXON
0:13:01 > 0:13:04APPLAUSE
0:13:06 > 0:13:10AS ROWAN ATKINSON: "And remember to say...uh-bibble.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13"You must say...uh-bibble." Erm...
0:13:13 > 0:13:17- Anyway, are we talking about now, or in history?- First World War.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20- Is it to say you were homosexual? - Well, yeah...
0:13:20 > 0:13:22After the war, there was the conscription,
0:13:22 > 0:13:24- the war was over... - Oh, national service.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27You had national service, and I know one or two actors
0:13:27 > 0:13:30who pretended they were gay to get out of doing conscription.
0:13:30 > 0:13:34I've known more actors who pretended they were straight, but there we are.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:40 > 0:13:43You are right to be in the area of sexual behaviour, shall we say.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Because there was this idea of a "Blighty wound",
0:13:45 > 0:13:46where in the First World War,
0:13:46 > 0:13:49you'd shoot yourself through the foot in order to be invalided...
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Chop your cock off.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54Well, any of those, if you were discovered doing them,
0:13:54 > 0:13:55would be a shootable offence.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58- It was considered desertion. - Cheesegrate it off.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:14:00 > 0:14:01Ooh!
0:14:03 > 0:14:05If you haven't tried it, don't judge.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Sorry, so, did people really shoot themselves in the foot?
0:14:08 > 0:14:09Did that happen a lot?
0:14:09 > 0:14:13Not a lot, because they would just be accused of cowardice and desertion.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16- So, there was another way. - Running away.- Fraternise?
0:14:16 > 0:14:21- Well, a very particular kind of fraternising.- Pursuing an officer.
0:14:21 > 0:14:25- You do get leave, even in Flanders... - Sex change.- Sorry?
0:14:25 > 0:14:29No, you don't have to go that drastic!
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Bestiality.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38- Oh, that would be all right. - Necrophilia.- Eugh!
0:14:38 > 0:14:42Look, come on, you're on leave, you go to Rouen or a Le Havre...
0:14:42 > 0:14:44- Oh, sexually transmitted disease. - Yes!
0:14:44 > 0:14:48Sexually transmitted disease is the answer.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54What did you have to get in a brothel to get out of...
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Well, venereal disease, usually it was the pox or the clap,
0:14:57 > 0:14:58syphilis or gonorrhoea.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01And you were five times more likely to have a venereal disease
0:15:01 > 0:15:04- than you were trench foot, on the front.- Then why didn't...
0:15:04 > 0:15:05Forgive me for asking, but why
0:15:05 > 0:15:07didn't everybody simply go to a brothel
0:15:07 > 0:15:08in the hope that they could get a dose...
0:15:08 > 0:15:12- They just about did, that's my point. - It would be tremendous!
0:15:12 > 0:15:13But it was quite well treated,
0:15:13 > 0:15:17and there didn't seem to be any utterly terminal or terrible
0:15:17 > 0:15:20form of venereal disease, so, you would get your few months off,
0:15:20 > 0:15:22and that for something, for that war...
0:15:22 > 0:15:25Then you could go home and see the wife.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27- Yes...- "All right, love?
0:15:27 > 0:15:30"Nice to see you, but we've got to rest this up..."
0:15:30 > 0:15:34There were 75,000 prostitutes in Paris alone,
0:15:34 > 0:15:36less than 10% of whom were licensed.
0:15:36 > 0:15:41According to one contemporary report, 171,000 British troops visited
0:15:41 > 0:15:45brothels in a single street in Le Havre in just one year.
0:15:45 > 0:15:46Makes you proud, doesn't it?
0:15:46 > 0:15:50During the German occupation, it was an offence for a prostitute
0:15:50 > 0:15:53to give a German soldier a venereal disease,
0:15:53 > 0:15:55and the offender could be imprisoned to keep other men
0:15:55 > 0:15:58safe, but as soon as they started retreating, towards the end of
0:15:58 > 0:16:01the war, they released all the women with venereal disease, in the hope
0:16:01 > 0:16:05that the pursuing enemy would catch the clap, essentially.
0:16:05 > 0:16:10- Dear, oh, dear.- They really were marvellous times, weren't they?
0:16:10 > 0:16:12- War is such fun.- Isn't it?
0:16:12 > 0:16:13Robert Graves,
0:16:13 > 0:16:16who wrote probably the best memoir of the First World War,
0:16:16 > 0:16:17Goodbye To All That, the poet,
0:16:17 > 0:16:20he said there were no restraints in France, "These boys had money
0:16:20 > 0:16:23"to spend and knew that they stood a good chance of being killed
0:16:23 > 0:16:27"within a few weeks anyhow. They did not want to die virgins."
0:16:27 > 0:16:31And that kind of says it all, I think. Oh, dear!
0:16:31 > 0:16:35- So, yes...- I was told this show would be fun!
0:16:36 > 0:16:39Everybody said, "Do QI, it's fun!"
0:16:39 > 0:16:43Well, catching the syphilis IS fun, at least. It's all the rest of it.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45It's proving your point about war.
0:16:45 > 0:16:50Yes, soldiers in World War I could get off by... by getting off!
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Which of these was originally used for military purposes?
0:16:53 > 0:16:56- The bumper car. - Not the bumper car, in fact.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59- The Ferris wheel. - Not the Ferris wheel.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02- The merry-go-round.- That thing that goes round, for sea sickness.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Well, there we are, we've all gone for something different.
0:17:05 > 0:17:06That's rather pleasing.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09And the only one that's correct is the merry-go-round.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Which was originally used for that purpose of war training.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16You would sit on the horse and a servant would have a ring
0:17:16 > 0:17:18and you'd have a lance and you would go round and round
0:17:18 > 0:17:22and you'd try and get your lance through the ring
0:17:22 > 0:17:23to practise your accuracy.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26I mean, that's surely bullshit. No?
0:17:26 > 0:17:27LAUGHTER
0:17:27 > 0:17:29No. A merry-go-round was invented to...
0:17:29 > 0:17:32- That can't be right.- A carousel, it was called a carosello and...
0:17:32 > 0:17:35So the original was sort of like a tennis ball machine.
0:17:35 > 0:17:36Yeah, kind of, yeah.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Call Of Duty is better, isn't it, really?
0:17:39 > 0:17:41But while we're on the subject of fairgrounds,
0:17:41 > 0:17:44there had been a particular problem in the Boer War,
0:17:44 > 0:17:46where they'd noticed that the British were not very good
0:17:46 > 0:17:48at aiming and firing rifles.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50So they passed special laws.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52- One of the basics, really, isn't it? - Yeah.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54They passed special laws
0:17:54 > 0:17:56that allowed fairgrounds to have rifle ranges,
0:17:56 > 0:17:58so you could fire rifles, live ammunition.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01- Sorry, there's live ammunition in the fairground?- Yes.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04- Have you never gone to one of those? - But it's always like a little cap.
0:18:04 > 0:18:05- Tin pellet.- Yeah, a pellet.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08I mean, mostly, you get the pellets, but what is allowed, in law,
0:18:08 > 0:18:11even to this day, is live actual ammunition, proper ammunition.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14- In a fairground?- Yeah.- Really? Gosh.
0:18:14 > 0:18:15Wow...
0:18:15 > 0:18:16- Really?- Yeah, really.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19What, a 7.62 mm...
0:18:19 > 0:18:20Up to .23.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23- It is frowned upon if you bring your own gun.- I was going to say.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25I just want to make it absolutely clear for Jeremy.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28If I turned up with my AK, I'd get all those balloons.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30But a .22 would work. So you could have that.
0:18:30 > 0:18:34It would be quite good to turn up at a fairground with an AK-47
0:18:34 > 0:18:37and go, "I think I'll be taking that bear home."
0:18:37 > 0:18:39LAUGHTER
0:18:39 > 0:18:41"Someone needs a cuddle."
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Have you ever fired an AK-47?
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Er, not in anger, Jeremy.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48No, somebody put it onto automatic
0:18:48 > 0:18:51and quite literally stood me in front of a barn door
0:18:51 > 0:18:52and I missed it.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54LAUGHTER
0:18:54 > 0:18:56- Is that...?- As we all would.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58It just flies around like a mad thing.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Of course, the man that did that isn't here to tell the story.
0:19:00 > 0:19:01LAUGHTER
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Very unfortunate incident.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05It never breaks down and it never hits anything.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07- And what, it just flies... - It just does that.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10And then rushes about in your hands. Terribly dangerous.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Well, that explains all of the series of The A-Team.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15LAUGHTER
0:19:15 > 0:19:17So it is actually realistic, the idea that, you know,
0:19:17 > 0:19:19no-one got shot, ever.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Nobody could possibly get shot with an AK,
0:19:21 > 0:19:23not unless you weren't aiming at them.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26If I aimed at you, most of the audience would be history.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28LAUGHTER
0:19:28 > 0:19:29Well, that's you. Not everybody.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31I mean, if they knew how to handle it.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33No, it's pretty much everybody.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37Unless you're a burly Russian shot putt enthusiast,
0:19:37 > 0:19:39then you could probably hold on to it. But I couldn't.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42- I fired a machine gun in Vietnam. - Really, did you?
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Did you hit anything?
0:19:44 > 0:19:46I hit the end of the field.
0:19:46 > 0:19:47LAUGHTER
0:19:47 > 0:19:48A field's reasonable.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50But they'd got all these old weapons from the American war
0:19:50 > 0:19:52and you go up and you buy bullets.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55- "How many bullets do you want?" - Oh, my goodness.
0:19:55 > 0:19:56I think I bought ten bullets.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58And they put it in and then you squeeze the trigger
0:19:58 > 0:19:59and they've gone, like that.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01You think, "Oh, I wish I had more."
0:20:01 > 0:20:05That's the evil of guns, isn't it? It triggers something.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Sheila, you're a Quaker pacifist. Have you got any good gun stories?
0:20:08 > 0:20:11LAUGHTER
0:20:11 > 0:20:12I'm not allowed!
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Oh, dear...!
0:20:14 > 0:20:16It would be so good, though, if you went,
0:20:16 > 0:20:19"Yeah, has anyone ever had a go on a bazooka?"
0:20:19 > 0:20:23That's what we were told, that you could bazooka cows and things,
0:20:23 > 0:20:26but I didn't get the chance to do that.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28- You're a vegetarian!- We had a...
0:20:28 > 0:20:30LAUGHTER
0:20:31 > 0:20:33You see, this is what guns do, isn't it?
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Vegetarian of the Year.
0:20:35 > 0:20:39The other thing that I learned about was that they used cattle...
0:20:39 > 0:20:40Erm...
0:20:40 > 0:20:43Oh, no, that was a stand-up routine I did. That's not true.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45LAUGHTER
0:20:45 > 0:20:49APPLAUSE
0:20:50 > 0:20:53I think you're beginning to blur the lines.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56It's come to something when I'm struggling to remember a fact
0:20:56 > 0:20:57and it's something I made up myself.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59LAUGHTER
0:20:59 > 0:21:02Anyway, one important skill for a soldier is map reading.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05But why are maps so difficult to fold?
0:21:05 > 0:21:09Well, because now they're on your phone, so you've got to break it.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Well, we've got some ones that aren't on a phone.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15My father was a navigator in rallying and he could...
0:21:15 > 0:21:16Oh, was he?
0:21:16 > 0:21:19He could fold one in the passenger seat of a Mini Cooper
0:21:19 > 0:21:22- in the dark at night. - Did he pass that skill on?
0:21:22 > 0:21:25- This is torture, you know? - So whenever I go to fold up a map...
0:21:25 > 0:21:27- Genuinely, this is my idea of hell. - Of hell, yeah.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29It is hell.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32That's right, because there are...severe problems.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35So there they are.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37I mean, I'll tell you, probably the best idea
0:21:37 > 0:21:39- is not to unfold it in the first place, Stephen.- Yeah.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:41 > 0:21:42Hey, well done!
0:21:44 > 0:21:46That's impressive!
0:21:46 > 0:21:48That is 12 seconds.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52It's like anything with maps, my father was a navigator.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55And I know what all the symbols mean.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Sheila, we've missed our turn!
0:21:57 > 0:21:58Concentrate!
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Right, I'll race you.
0:22:00 > 0:22:01Oh, oh, we'll cheat...
0:22:01 > 0:22:04You're sort of doing what I do there, I think.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:09 > 0:22:10Oh, Sheila!
0:22:12 > 0:22:14My car is just full of those.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17Pyongyang. Pyongyang.
0:22:17 > 0:22:21- Haven't you got a satnav? - Where would we be without satnav?
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Hey...! "Where would we be?"
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Elstree. Probably at those studios, I don't know.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Come on, everyone, make an effort.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30LAUGHTER
0:22:30 > 0:22:34The fact is, most maps have got nine folds one way and two the other,
0:22:34 > 0:22:39which means that there are 2,048 different ways of folding them.
0:22:39 > 0:22:40- Two to the power of 11.- Really?
0:22:40 > 0:22:44A man called Miura, who was an aeronautical designer,
0:22:44 > 0:22:46was doing solar panel foldings
0:22:46 > 0:22:49and he came up with this way of doing it...
0:22:50 > 0:22:53And all you have to do is that and it folds.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56You just push the corners together.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58And it doesn't matter what you...
0:22:58 > 0:23:00- And what's more...- It wouldn't work.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02- Sorry?- It wouldn't work if you gave it to me.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05- Stephen, could you... - Well, I'll give you one.
0:23:05 > 0:23:09The one that you've got there, is that a map of Mars?
0:23:09 > 0:23:11You've got one there.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14And you just take the top-right and bottom-left corners,
0:23:14 > 0:23:15- or any other way.- That way?
0:23:15 > 0:23:17It's so folded, it just does it by itself.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20- Take the corners and push them together.- Oh, my God!
0:23:20 > 0:23:21That's it! Jeremy, you've done it!
0:23:21 > 0:23:24APPLAUSE
0:23:29 > 0:23:32- But this man is the greatest genius who ever lived.- Isn't he? I know!
0:23:32 > 0:23:34- It's fantastic.- Who is he?
0:23:34 > 0:23:35He's called Miura, he's a...
0:23:35 > 0:23:38LAUGHTER
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Good God!
0:23:40 > 0:23:43Of course, what you don't realise, he was trying to make a crane.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45LAUGHTER
0:23:45 > 0:23:48Koryo Miura his name is, and they are very handy.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51I would have been so fucking pleased if I'd invented that.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53LAUGHTER
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Well, there are other things you can do with folding.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58I've got some tissues here. And if we...
0:23:58 > 0:24:00- Oh, what are we doing now? - Oh, origami!
0:24:00 > 0:24:02You're each... If I can give you each a tissue.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04All right, so I'll pass...
0:24:04 > 0:24:05OK.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08There we are. Pass it down. Oops...!
0:24:08 > 0:24:11- What are we doing with the tissue? - And I'll have one here.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13OK, so what are we up to?
0:24:13 > 0:24:15- What you're trying to do is scrunch it up...- Oh, yeah, OK.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17- ..like this in your hands.- Yeah.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20- And you scrunch it up. And then... - Stick it right up your bum!
0:24:20 > 0:24:21No!
0:24:21 > 0:24:22LAUGHTER
0:24:22 > 0:24:24You try and think of an animal...
0:24:24 > 0:24:25Like, I'm thinking of an animal.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28I'm thinking of a sort of swan or something like that.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30- I've really scrunched mine up. - I'm thinking of a swan.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33- Like that, can you see my swan? - Do I have to think of a swan?
0:24:33 > 0:24:34There you are...
0:24:34 > 0:24:38LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:43 > 0:24:44There we are.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47Tiger. I've got tiger.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50- I've got absolutely nothing at all. - Oh, well.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52I thought of a badger, but it got run over.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55LAUGHTER
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Excellent! Well done, all.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00Now, an army is said to march on its stomach,
0:25:00 > 0:25:05but what is the most morale-boosting thing you can find in a meat pie?
0:25:05 > 0:25:11- Cocaine?- No!- Well, motivation wise, it would do wonders.- Well, perhaps.
0:25:11 > 0:25:17- A Greggs steak bake.- People, people. - Yes, people!- People in pies.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20I'll tell you the story behind it and you might think that
0:25:20 > 0:25:23there probably was never quite such a morale-boosting pie.
0:25:23 > 0:25:27It was Philip the Good, and Philip the Good was the ruler of Burgundy.
0:25:27 > 0:25:31- There we are, then, red wine... - And in 13...
0:25:31 > 0:25:3456, probably, I wouldn't be surprised... 1454...
0:25:34 > 0:25:38- LAUGHTER He, um...- Good save!
0:25:38 > 0:25:39He held a feast for knights
0:25:39 > 0:25:42and squires and pages and lords and so on.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44It was a PR stunt to promote a crusade that he wanted
0:25:44 > 0:25:48to hold against the Turks. They had taken Constantinople.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51Anyway, he had a feast, it was called the Feast of the Pheasant,
0:25:51 > 0:25:56and it included a meat pie which contained 28 musicians...
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Oh! Alive?
0:25:58 > 0:26:01..who played throughout the meal. Yes, alive! It was a vast pie.
0:26:01 > 0:26:05A Manneken-Pis, which was urinating rose water,
0:26:05 > 0:26:09a castle that squirted orange punch into its moat,
0:26:09 > 0:26:13and a lion chained to a pillar, that protected a statue of
0:26:13 > 0:26:17a nude woman who served mulled wine from her right breast.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20It sounds like a party at Elton John's house.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26Well, in this case, after this enormous pie, a giant came on,
0:26:26 > 0:26:30with an elephant on a leash, the elephant had a castle on its back
0:26:30 > 0:26:34and the castle had a dishevelled nun, whose hands were held in
0:26:34 > 0:26:38prayer, and she implored Philip to go on a crusade to save Constantinople.
0:26:38 > 0:26:42- A dishevelled nun? - Apparently dishevelled.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44He immediately leapt to his feet, made an oath to retake the city
0:26:44 > 0:26:48and all his guests, caught up in the excitement of the pie, which had so
0:26:48 > 0:26:51boosted their morale, that they said they would go on the crusade, too.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54And that's why it's always a good idea to invade the Middle East.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Well, actually, they were very fortunate, because they didn't
0:26:57 > 0:27:01- go on their crusade, despite the morale-boosting pie.- They didn't go?
0:27:01 > 0:27:05No, they didn't, because Charles VII of France, who was the King,
0:27:05 > 0:27:07said that he thought it was a terrible idea.
0:27:07 > 0:27:13- So, they had the pie for nothing.- I'm fascinated by this dishevelled nun.
0:27:13 > 0:27:17Yes, well, the word "dishevelled" is used in Chaucer, you may remember...
0:27:17 > 0:27:20- I don't remember, Stephen. - No, fine...
0:27:20 > 0:27:23- Did you know him at all, Sheila?- No.
0:27:24 > 0:27:30- He uses the word hevelled.- Hevelled? - "The man's head is cleanly hevelled."
0:27:30 > 0:27:35So, dishevelled means uncombed. So, the nun was uncombed, it seems.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Though it's often used of clothes as well now.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40Yeah, Philip the Good, he certainly knew how to throw a good party.
0:27:40 > 0:27:44What's the worst thing you can find in a Morrison Sandwich?
0:27:44 > 0:27:47Well, Morrison was Food Minister during the war.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49- Ah, you've got straight to it. - Herbert.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52- He was in charge of sandwiches, was he?- No. Well...
0:27:52 > 0:27:56He was, in fact, in charge of home defence. And he came up...
0:27:56 > 0:27:57Making sure no-one got in and took them.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59- Home Guard? - Not the Home Guard, exactly,
0:27:59 > 0:28:03but he came up with a home defence idea, which was a type of shelter.
0:28:03 > 0:28:07- It was for the more deprived families and they...- Not the Anderson?
0:28:07 > 0:28:09- It was indoors.- ..they were given free. It was indoors.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12Indoors, as opposed to the Anderson shelter, which was outside.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14- Exactly right. - Which I spent my life in.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17And a dear friend of mine was in one of those
0:28:17 > 0:28:20- and her house took a direct hit and she survived.- Yes.
0:28:20 > 0:28:21One of the things we wanted to say
0:28:21 > 0:28:23is that it was actually not, as it might seem,
0:28:23 > 0:28:25a rather unsafe contrivance.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28- But it actually worked really, really well, it seems.- Yeah, it did.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30But there was one problem. Sometimes, the top bit,
0:28:30 > 0:28:33which was solid metal, and the bottom was solid metal,
0:28:33 > 0:28:35sometimes, the top bit just crashed down
0:28:35 > 0:28:38and the person was caught in what was then called a Morrison Sandwich.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40- Wow!- Oh, gosh! - But it was considered safer.
0:28:40 > 0:28:42And it was also quite loved, unlike the Anderson shelter,
0:28:42 > 0:28:44which was pretty hated, is that right?
0:28:44 > 0:28:46Well, I quite liked it, actually.
0:28:46 > 0:28:48You used to sit, be outside and you could watch,
0:28:48 > 0:28:52you always had binoculars and you could watch the dogfights going on,
0:28:52 > 0:28:54- you know, in the Battle of Britain and...- God!
0:28:54 > 0:28:56And you felt kind of safe down there.
0:28:56 > 0:28:58The only thing was that you were frightened
0:28:58 > 0:28:59that you'd be trapped in the shelter.
0:28:59 > 0:29:01I sleep with my hand over my head,
0:29:01 > 0:29:03because there was an escape hatch
0:29:03 > 0:29:05at the back of the Anderson shelter with a spanner
0:29:05 > 0:29:07that you would use to get out.
0:29:07 > 0:29:10And I used to sleep like that on my bunk, and I still do.
0:29:10 > 0:29:12I sleep with one hand over the head.
0:29:12 > 0:29:15You could probably sleep somewhere else now, Sheila.
0:29:15 > 0:29:17LAUGHTER
0:29:17 > 0:29:19This one on the left...
0:29:20 > 0:29:22This one on the left, it's actually a weight test.
0:29:22 > 0:29:25It's being tested for how much it can take.
0:29:25 > 0:29:27And, as you can see, it's a fair amount of weight.
0:29:27 > 0:29:29There was one in my uncle's garden, I remember.
0:29:29 > 0:29:31What, an Anderson shelter?
0:29:31 > 0:29:35- There is one on my farm and it's just full of pornography.- What is?
0:29:35 > 0:29:39- Pornography?- It's just full of Men Only, Mayfair... All from the '70s.
0:29:39 > 0:29:41Is that where you keep your collection?
0:29:41 > 0:29:43That used to be a thing, though, didn't it?
0:29:43 > 0:29:46Whenever you'd walk through woodland, I remember as a teenager,
0:29:46 > 0:29:48there would be pornography lying around.
0:29:48 > 0:29:50- In the hedges.- In the days before the internet.
0:29:50 > 0:29:53There was just porn lying about in the woods.
0:29:53 > 0:29:57Does anyone else remember that? Is that just me? It's a thing, right?
0:29:57 > 0:29:59- No!- No, it is!
0:29:59 > 0:30:02You used to walk through the woods and there would be porn lying about.
0:30:02 > 0:30:04Everywhere. I was never able to get
0:30:04 > 0:30:07to the sweet shop without encountering pornography.
0:30:07 > 0:30:13Well, this is very odd! Why in the woods? Why in the woods?
0:30:13 > 0:30:15I think that's when, possibly, people went and bought some
0:30:15 > 0:30:18pornography and thought, well, I'd better not bring that home.
0:30:18 > 0:30:20Then they'd drive home and leave a single shoe
0:30:20 > 0:30:23- in the central reservation, which is the other thing.- Yes!
0:30:23 > 0:30:26And unravel their cassette tape. There we are...
0:30:26 > 0:30:29That's everything done now for the day.
0:30:29 > 0:30:34Cassette tape, single shoe, strong pornography in the wood.
0:30:34 > 0:30:38What a strange world you live in.
0:30:38 > 0:30:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:30:44 > 0:30:46Anyway, yes, Morrison Sandwich...
0:30:46 > 0:30:49Morrison's sandwiches, as opposed to Morrison Sandwiches,
0:30:49 > 0:30:50which were people caught there.
0:30:50 > 0:30:52There's a Morrison's sandwich, and, of course,
0:30:52 > 0:30:55they're delightful, fresh and charming and I wouldn't want
0:30:55 > 0:30:57to suggest anything about them that was unpleasant.
0:30:57 > 0:30:59- You've never had one in your life, have you?- Well, no, but...
0:30:59 > 0:31:01LAUGHTER
0:31:01 > 0:31:02I know they exist.
0:31:02 > 0:31:05APPLAUSE
0:31:05 > 0:31:08So, yes, Morrison Sandwiches could be deadly,
0:31:08 > 0:31:11but Morrison's sandwiches are, of course, delicious.
0:31:11 > 0:31:13LAUGHTER
0:31:13 > 0:31:17How do all-female military battles differ from all-male ones?
0:31:17 > 0:31:19They all tidy up afterwards.
0:31:23 > 0:31:24So sweet!
0:31:24 > 0:31:29- Female battles?- I don't think humans have ever had an all-female war.
0:31:29 > 0:31:30No, I wouldn't have thought so.
0:31:30 > 0:31:33The Amazons were supposedly female soldiers, but they fought men.
0:31:33 > 0:31:36The reason there has never been an all-female war
0:31:36 > 0:31:38is there's plenty of me to go round, I think.
0:31:38 > 0:31:41They might have to bail out.
0:31:41 > 0:31:43Oh, lawks!
0:31:43 > 0:31:47- So, we are not talking about human beings, in that case.- Oh!
0:31:47 > 0:31:49- Oh, an animal war.- An animal war,
0:31:49 > 0:31:52- conducted purely by females of that species.- Mosquitoes.
0:31:52 > 0:31:55- Is it the praying mantis? - Not mosquitoes, but...- Rabbits?
0:31:55 > 0:31:56- You were right with insects.- Bees?
0:31:56 > 0:31:59- Bees!- A bee war.- Bees went to war?
0:31:59 > 0:32:04- Yes, bees' war on other hives, other colonies.- Lady bees?
0:32:04 > 0:32:07- Yes, Australian stingless bees... - The Queen bee?
0:32:07 > 0:32:10The Queen is the one who doesn't fight,
0:32:10 > 0:32:12but all the other females, who are sterile...
0:32:12 > 0:32:15- Are there other female bees? - Yes, but they are sterile.
0:32:15 > 0:32:17They launch a turf war against another colony.
0:32:17 > 0:32:20The main attack method is to bite the leg or wing.
0:32:20 > 0:32:21But because they have six legs,
0:32:21 > 0:32:25they can keep going until they have got no legs left.
0:32:25 > 0:32:29- These are not British bees...? - No, Australian.- Oh, right!
0:32:29 > 0:32:32- British bees would never... - Yes, yes!
0:32:32 > 0:32:35They would leave them at home, making honey!
0:32:35 > 0:32:39- British lady bees, exactly. - British bees wouldn't bite legs off.
0:32:39 > 0:32:42So... LAUGHTER
0:32:42 > 0:32:46- When the victory...- There are some weird animals in Australia.
0:32:46 > 0:32:48There are.
0:32:48 > 0:32:50The colony that wins, they install their Queen
0:32:50 > 0:32:53and kick out all the others, who are left to die,
0:32:53 > 0:32:56- because they can't survive unless they are in a colony.- Oh, charming!
0:32:56 > 0:32:58Yes, it's all rather grim.
0:32:58 > 0:32:59In Scouting For Boys...
0:32:59 > 0:33:02Sorry, your hobby...?
0:33:02 > 0:33:04It is a strange title.
0:33:04 > 0:33:07It is, of course, by the founder of the Scouting movement...
0:33:07 > 0:33:09Baden Powell.
0:33:09 > 0:33:12What does one think of a man who can say something like this?
0:33:12 > 0:33:16He said of bees, "They are quite a model community,
0:33:16 > 0:33:20"for they respect their Queen and kill their unemployed."
0:33:23 > 0:33:26- Does he say that?- Yup!
0:33:27 > 0:33:31What begins with M that you could shoot with one of these?
0:33:32 > 0:33:33Those guys are tiny!
0:33:33 > 0:33:35LAUGHTER
0:33:35 > 0:33:37A mallard.
0:33:37 > 0:33:40A mallard is very good, absolutely. You recognise what that is?
0:33:40 > 0:33:43- It's a punt gun. - It is indeed a punt gun.
0:33:43 > 0:33:46APPLAUSE
0:33:46 > 0:33:47- There's a few punters in.- Yeah...!
0:33:47 > 0:33:50You're good on guns, aren't you, Jeremy?
0:33:50 > 0:33:54Well, I shot one of those, but I shot a clay pigeon with it.
0:33:55 > 0:33:58And proved that a man can actually fly.
0:33:58 > 0:34:01LAUGHTER
0:34:01 > 0:34:02So don't tell me you weren't on a punt?
0:34:02 > 0:34:05No, I wasn't on a punt and there's a sort of momentum thing goes
0:34:05 > 0:34:08and you get it going and then you just can't stop it.
0:34:08 > 0:34:11And I was airborne for 20 minutes.
0:34:11 > 0:34:12LAUGHTER
0:34:12 > 0:34:14That's one of the reasons they have them on punts is...
0:34:14 > 0:34:17- I mean, the boat goes backwards. - That's the point.
0:34:17 > 0:34:18You could fire that in Norfolk
0:34:18 > 0:34:21and you would wind up in Stavanger three weeks later
0:34:21 > 0:34:23doing 300mph.
0:34:23 > 0:34:25More or less true. But also, more distressingly, perhaps,
0:34:25 > 0:34:27if you like waterfowl,
0:34:27 > 0:34:30one shot can destroy up to 50 at a time.
0:34:30 > 0:34:32- So you could have... - So is it shot like a shotgun?
0:34:32 > 0:34:35Yeah, it's just a huge amount of blast.
0:34:35 > 0:34:37I mean, I know you're a vegetablist, which is fine...
0:34:37 > 0:34:38LAUGHTER
0:34:38 > 0:34:40What I don't understand about these
0:34:40 > 0:34:43is that if you actually hit a duck, it vaporised it.
0:34:43 > 0:34:45LAUGHTER
0:34:45 > 0:34:47And apart from licking the lake or the grass...
0:34:47 > 0:34:49LAUGHTER
0:34:49 > 0:34:51..there's no nutritional value from an atomised layer.
0:34:51 > 0:34:53You're pretty much right.
0:34:56 > 0:34:59Seriously, why do they have such a great big gun for it?
0:34:59 > 0:35:02- Well, it was used in the United States of America, of course...- Ah!
0:35:02 > 0:35:05..in the early part of the 19th century.
0:35:05 > 0:35:06But even the Americans realised
0:35:06 > 0:35:09they were going to deplete their waterways just too much.
0:35:09 > 0:35:12So, by 1860, it was banned. You couldn't use it any more.
0:35:12 > 0:35:15- And then they use hand grenades now. - Yes. They do, yeah.
0:35:15 > 0:35:18I got picked up, this is another gun story, and I apologise, Sheila,
0:35:18 > 0:35:20but I got picked up by a man once at an airport in Phoenix
0:35:20 > 0:35:25and he was a big noise in the NRA and we had very little in common.
0:35:25 > 0:35:27And he drove along in complete silence
0:35:27 > 0:35:29and he just turned to me after about ten minutes and went,
0:35:29 > 0:35:32"What is your personal preference of firearm?"
0:35:32 > 0:35:34As a small talk. That was small talk.
0:35:34 > 0:35:37- "I don't really have one, mate." - And you said punt gun.
0:35:37 > 0:35:39"Punt gun, mate."
0:35:39 > 0:35:40Yeah, I should have done.
0:35:40 > 0:35:43I tried that earlier with Sheila. We didn't really hit it off.
0:35:43 > 0:35:44LAUGHTER
0:35:44 > 0:35:47I almost want to go to a rifle range with you
0:35:47 > 0:35:48to see you with one of these guns.
0:35:48 > 0:35:51You're obviously hopeless at it.
0:35:51 > 0:35:53LAUGHTER
0:35:53 > 0:35:57APPLAUSE
0:35:57 > 0:36:01The punt gun was used to massacre mallards, Muscovy ducks,
0:36:01 > 0:36:04mergansers and other mother-duckers.
0:36:04 > 0:36:06From ducks to Drakes.
0:36:06 > 0:36:08What was the name of the fleet of ships
0:36:08 > 0:36:11that got its arse kicked in 1589 during the Anglo-Spanish War?
0:36:12 > 0:36:14The Spanish Armada.
0:36:14 > 0:36:16KLAXON
0:36:16 > 0:36:19- Oh, taking one for the team now. - Well, I knew that would come.
0:36:19 > 0:36:22- Yeah. That was 1588, the Spanish Armada.- Oh.
0:36:22 > 0:36:24- Is this the next year? - The next year.
0:36:24 > 0:36:27- They came back and had another go? - No, this is what's so interesting.
0:36:27 > 0:36:28This is the English Armada.
0:36:28 > 0:36:31What's interesting is we just don't teach this in schools,
0:36:31 > 0:36:32but it's a far worse defeat on the English.
0:36:32 > 0:36:34Was this Cadiz?
0:36:34 > 0:36:36No, Cadiz was singeing the King of Spain's beard, as it was called.
0:36:36 > 0:36:39- It was a success.- Cadiz is pronounced Cardiff, by the way.
0:36:39 > 0:36:41IN SPANISH ACCENT: Cadiz. Cadiz.
0:36:41 > 0:36:42But if you say Cardiff,
0:36:42 > 0:36:44you're much closer to the way the Spanish say it.
0:36:44 > 0:36:46- As I've found out.- Oh, really?
0:36:46 > 0:36:50Just say Cardiff and they go, "Oh, si, si. That way."
0:36:50 > 0:36:51You walked to it?!
0:36:51 > 0:36:53If you say Cadiz, they go, "Que?"
0:36:53 > 0:36:55But, anyway, it's nothing to do with Cadiz.
0:36:55 > 0:36:57Was it the one where we went and did too long?
0:36:57 > 0:37:00No, what's interesting about this is that the English had a plan.
0:37:00 > 0:37:02Having seen off the Spanish Armada,
0:37:02 > 0:37:03Drake, filled with confidence,
0:37:03 > 0:37:06thought they would really defeat Philip II of Spain
0:37:06 > 0:37:08and we would really finish the job.
0:37:08 > 0:37:12Instead of which, we lost 40 ships and it was an utter disaster.
0:37:12 > 0:37:14But they don't teach it in English schools.
0:37:14 > 0:37:17The Spanish Armada that is taught a lot and we celebrate
0:37:17 > 0:37:20was not really that much of a triumph, to be honest.
0:37:20 > 0:37:23We didn't sink their ships in the great battle.
0:37:23 > 0:37:26The fire ships that Drake invented to send into them
0:37:26 > 0:37:28didn't destroy any Spanish shipping.
0:37:28 > 0:37:30So it was just not really that great a triumph.
0:37:30 > 0:37:33It was the wind that beat them, not really Drake.
0:37:33 > 0:37:36But where... What... I've forgotten what the question was about 1589?
0:37:36 > 0:37:39What was the name of the fleet of ships that got its arse kicked?
0:37:39 > 0:37:41Oh, it's the name of the fleet of ships. I don't know.
0:37:41 > 0:37:44- It was the English Armada. - Oh, was it? Yeah.
0:37:44 > 0:37:46- Yeah, well, I don't want to learn about that.- No!
0:37:46 > 0:37:48LAUGHTER
0:37:48 > 0:37:51- I learnt about HMS Victory.- Mm.
0:37:51 > 0:37:55And they used 60,000 trees to make HMS Victory.
0:37:55 > 0:37:58They would grow oak trees and when they were saplings,
0:37:58 > 0:38:00they would tie ropes round them
0:38:00 > 0:38:04so that branches would grow into bends, because they needed...
0:38:04 > 0:38:09To make the hulls and the keel, you needed oak in that shape,
0:38:09 > 0:38:12- so the growing of the oak was an extraordinary...- Amazing, isn't it?
0:38:12 > 0:38:14Extraordinary expertise went into it.
0:38:14 > 0:38:17The year after the Spanish Armada,
0:38:17 > 0:38:19an English Armada was soundly beaten by Spain.
0:38:19 > 0:38:21But we don't really like to talk about it.
0:38:21 > 0:38:24That was something that people are generally ignorant about.
0:38:24 > 0:38:26And here are some more.
0:38:26 > 0:38:27Fingers on buzzers, if you please.
0:38:27 > 0:38:31I'll give you 100 points if you can name one of the countries
0:38:31 > 0:38:36where either the first or last shots of the First World War were fired.
0:38:36 > 0:38:38- Well... - It's worth it, for 100 points.
0:38:38 > 0:38:40- France. - KLAXON
0:38:40 > 0:38:42Germany, England...
0:38:42 > 0:38:46It's where that guy, the king, the man was shot in the carrier.
0:38:46 > 0:38:48- ..Austria, Turkey.- Where was that?
0:38:48 > 0:38:50Well, that first shot in Sarajevo was not the shot of the war.
0:38:50 > 0:38:52It's what caused the war later.
0:38:52 > 0:38:54Oh, you mean soldiers shooting.
0:38:54 > 0:38:56Once the war was under way,
0:38:56 > 0:38:59- the first shot that was actually fired in it...- Romania.
0:38:59 > 0:39:00- The Isle of Man.- Denmark.
0:39:00 > 0:39:03- Jersey.- No. I'll tell you.
0:39:03 > 0:39:04It was Togoland.
0:39:04 > 0:39:07That was the next thing I was going to say.
0:39:07 > 0:39:10Where is Togoland?
0:39:10 > 0:39:11Next to Disneyland.
0:39:11 > 0:39:14It is now called Togo, but it was called Togoland then.
0:39:14 > 0:39:17It's the middle of the Pacific, isn't it? Somewhere a long way away.
0:39:17 > 0:39:21No, you may be thinking of Tonga or something. This is Africa.
0:39:21 > 0:39:24It was a German colony. And on the 4th August, 1914,
0:39:24 > 0:39:26the British Empire declared war on Germany
0:39:26 > 0:39:29and three days later it attacked Togoland,
0:39:29 > 0:39:32- Germany's small, but strategic colony there.- Is that Namibia-y way, then?
0:39:32 > 0:39:35No, it's much further up, near the Gold Coast, that sort of area.
0:39:35 > 0:39:38And Regimental Sergeant Major Alhaji Grunshi
0:39:38 > 0:39:41was the first to shoot back when the German-led police force
0:39:41 > 0:39:43shot the approaching British forces, colonial forces.
0:39:43 > 0:39:45- He was obviously better at it than Jeremy.- Yeah!
0:39:45 > 0:39:48- So he became... - Did he actually hit anything?
0:39:48 > 0:39:49He didn't necessarily hit anybody,
0:39:49 > 0:39:53but he became the first member of the British Army to fire a shot in the war.
0:39:53 > 0:39:57Because I'd be the perfect armed guard for a Quaker meeting.
0:39:57 > 0:39:58You would! You would!
0:39:58 > 0:40:02I'm loving everything that you're so bad with guns.
0:40:02 > 0:40:03- You missed again.- Yes, I have.
0:40:03 > 0:40:05But the war also ended in Africa, in fact.
0:40:05 > 0:40:07The last actual battle took place
0:40:07 > 0:40:11on a golf course in Northern Rhodesia, which is now called Zambia.
0:40:11 > 0:40:13They stopped fighting eventually,
0:40:13 > 0:40:16but German troops fought on for ages
0:40:16 > 0:40:18in what is now Tanzania, Tanganyika as it was.
0:40:18 > 0:40:20And they surrendered on November 25th, 1918.
0:40:20 > 0:40:22If you shoot someone on a golf course,
0:40:22 > 0:40:24is it considered polite to shout "Fore!"?
0:40:24 > 0:40:27- You'd think it would be the least you could do.- Probably.
0:40:27 > 0:40:30So, yes, 14 days after the Armistice was the last shot of the war
0:40:30 > 0:40:33that anybody can find, which was in Tanganyika.
0:40:33 > 0:40:37So, yeah, the first shots of World War I were fired in Togo,
0:40:37 > 0:40:38the last in Tanganyika.
0:40:38 > 0:40:40And, finally, our last question.
0:40:40 > 0:40:43What happened to the last of the Mohicans?
0:40:43 > 0:40:44He had a haircut.
0:40:44 > 0:40:46LAUGHTER
0:40:46 > 0:40:49- Wild West show? - Well, what is a Mohican?
0:40:49 > 0:40:52- A hairstyle. - Well, aside from a hairstyle, yes.
0:40:52 > 0:40:55Well, it's an Indian. Native American tribe, is it?
0:40:55 > 0:40:56- Oh, no, wait...- You said what?
0:40:56 > 0:40:59Have I... I've gone and trodden on one of those land mines.
0:40:59 > 0:41:01Because you can't say Indian, can you?
0:41:01 > 0:41:03What do I say, Native American?
0:41:03 > 0:41:04No, actually you can say Indian.
0:41:04 > 0:41:07I found, doing a documentary all over the reservations...
0:41:07 > 0:41:09- I can say it? - ..they called each other Indians.
0:41:09 > 0:41:10I nearly got fired for that once.
0:41:10 > 0:41:12LAUGHTER
0:41:12 > 0:41:14APPLAUSE
0:41:16 > 0:41:18Things go around, don't they?
0:41:19 > 0:41:22The American Indian Movement is the premier political body
0:41:22 > 0:41:24fighting for the rights of American Indians
0:41:24 > 0:41:27and they call themselves the American Indian Movement, AIM.
0:41:27 > 0:41:28It's a whole new world since I left.
0:41:28 > 0:41:30LAUGHTER
0:41:30 > 0:41:33There are two sets of Native Americans, American Indians,
0:41:33 > 0:41:35that have been known as Mohicans.
0:41:35 > 0:41:38They're the Mohegans, who live in Connecticut
0:41:38 > 0:41:40and run the Casino of the Sky.
0:41:40 > 0:41:43Yeah, the Mohegan Sun Casino, I've been there.
0:41:43 > 0:41:45- It's called Mohegans, is it? - Mohegan, yeah.
0:41:45 > 0:41:47And then the Mahicans or Ma-he-cans,
0:41:47 > 0:41:49also provide a gambling service for you
0:41:49 > 0:41:52at the North Star Mohican Resort in Wisconsin,
0:41:52 > 0:41:54known as "the Midwest's Friendliest Casino".
0:41:54 > 0:41:56Yeah.
0:41:56 > 0:41:58The guy on the right there is rubbish.
0:41:58 > 0:41:59He is.
0:41:59 > 0:42:02The worst Native American ever.
0:42:02 > 0:42:04- It doesn't work, does it? - Not joining in, is he?
0:42:04 > 0:42:07He's going, "No-one told me we were supposed to dress as Indians!"
0:42:07 > 0:42:09LAUGHTER
0:42:09 > 0:42:10"I look ridiculous!"
0:42:10 > 0:42:12LAUGHTER
0:42:12 > 0:42:14The Mohican hairstyle, which you've alluded to,
0:42:14 > 0:42:16is only called that in Britain.
0:42:16 > 0:42:19- What do they call it in America? - Something ridiculous.
0:42:19 > 0:42:23- They call it Mohawk.- A Mohawk!
0:42:23 > 0:42:28Yeah, but actually, neither Mohicans, neither the Mohegan...
0:42:28 > 0:42:32Whichever one you choose, none of them had their hair like that.
0:42:32 > 0:42:34Nor do Mohawks have their hair like that.
0:42:34 > 0:42:37It's the Pawnees who have their hair cut like that.
0:42:37 > 0:42:40But for some reason, Mohawk and Mohican is there.
0:42:40 > 0:42:43So, we haven't seen the last of the Mohicans.
0:42:43 > 0:42:45They're still coining it in their casinos.
0:42:45 > 0:42:48Ker-ching, ker-ching, chin-go ker-chook-chook-chook, ching ching.
0:42:48 > 0:42:50As Neville Chamberlain said,
0:42:50 > 0:42:53"In war, no matter which side may call itself the victor,
0:42:53 > 0:42:55"there are no winners, all are losers."
0:42:55 > 0:42:57And so it is with QI.
0:42:57 > 0:43:00But let's see who is the least losing of them all.
0:43:00 > 0:43:02Lord, oh, bless my blimey...
0:43:02 > 0:43:05Well, I have to say, it's a fantastic score
0:43:05 > 0:43:07for a first-time performance.
0:43:07 > 0:43:09Wow! Look at that!
0:43:09 > 0:43:12Quaking away at minus 2 is Sheila Hancock!
0:43:12 > 0:43:15APPLAUSE
0:43:16 > 0:43:20In second place, with minus 8, it's Jimmy Carr.
0:43:20 > 0:43:23- APPLAUSE - Minus 8 is good, that's great.
0:43:25 > 0:43:28In third place, going great guns, it's Jeremy.
0:43:28 > 0:43:31Minus 13. APPLAUSE
0:43:31 > 0:43:33Which means... How did you do that?
0:43:33 > 0:43:37And only just last is...
0:43:37 > 0:43:39Alan on minus 14.
0:43:39 > 0:43:42APPLAUSE
0:43:47 > 0:43:49That's all from Sheila, Jimmy, Jeremy, Alan and me.
0:43:49 > 0:43:51And I leave you with this deep thought
0:43:51 > 0:43:53of American humorist Jack Handy.
0:43:53 > 0:43:55"I can picture in my mind a world without war,
0:43:55 > 0:43:57"a world without hate
0:43:57 > 0:43:59"and I can picture us attacking that world,
0:43:59 > 0:44:00"because they'd never expect it."
0:44:00 > 0:44:02Good night.