0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:24 > 0:00:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:25 > 0:00:28WHISTLING
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Well...
0:00:32 > 0:00:35good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:35 > 0:00:38good evening, good evening, and welcome to QI,
0:00:38 > 0:00:42which tonight is a melange of M places.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Joining me on my metropolitan meander are,
0:00:45 > 0:00:47the M-inent Sue Perkins!
0:00:47 > 0:00:50APPLAUSE
0:00:50 > 0:00:53The M-powered Sami Shah!
0:00:53 > 0:00:55APPLAUSE
0:00:56 > 0:00:58The M-phatic David Mitchell!
0:00:58 > 0:01:00APPLAUSE
0:01:00 > 0:01:02WHISTLING
0:01:02 > 0:01:06And...the frankly M-barrassing Alan Davies.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Their buzzers
0:01:12 > 0:01:15celebrate some of the most magnificent Ms on the map.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Sue goes...
0:01:17 > 0:01:20# When I was walking in Memphis... #
0:01:20 > 0:01:21Sami goes...
0:01:21 > 0:01:23# I'm going to Miami...
0:01:23 > 0:01:24LAUGHTER
0:01:24 > 0:01:25# Welcome to Miami... #
0:01:25 > 0:01:26David goes...
0:01:26 > 0:01:30# And the lights all went down
0:01:30 > 0:01:33In Massachusetts... #
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Yeah, the Bee Gees. And Alan goes...
0:01:35 > 0:01:39# Glory, glory Man United... #
0:01:39 > 0:01:42GROANING AND APPLAUSE Oh, don't you like that?
0:01:42 > 0:01:45- Don't you like that? Oh, try again.- Oh...
0:01:45 > 0:01:47# Hate Man United
0:01:47 > 0:01:50# We only hate Man United... #
0:01:50 > 0:01:53APPLAUSE AND CHEERING You see.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58So, which of the following M-places is made up?
0:01:58 > 0:02:00There they are.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Messak Settafet.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Er, The Mountains of Kong.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Meedhupparuraa...
0:02:06 > 0:02:08LAUGHTER
0:02:08 > 0:02:09Merv.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11- # Miami... #- Yes, Sami?
0:02:11 > 0:02:14I'm going to say Meedhupparuraa, only because...
0:02:14 > 0:02:16it has 'made up', literally, in its name.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18ALARM
0:02:20 > 0:02:22- Failure!- There's a logic there
0:02:22 > 0:02:25and you're new to QI and I'd like to be merciful,
0:02:25 > 0:02:27- but I'm not going to be. - All right, fair enough.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30- DAVID:- But in a sense, all names are made-up, aren't they?
0:02:30 > 0:02:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:37 > 0:02:39HIGH PITCHED: Welcome
0:02:39 > 0:02:41to the logically ruthless world of David Mitchell!
0:02:41 > 0:02:42LAUGHTER
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Not that you sound like that, I'm sorry.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46- But no, of course you're right, they are.- Yeah.- You're right.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49But which one is not existing? But we have...
0:02:49 > 0:02:52- The Mountains of Kong sounds like it's from fiction.- Kong.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55That sounds totally made up. Mountains of Kong?
0:02:55 > 0:02:57You're right. You're right. Though...
0:02:57 > 0:03:00it was made up in a way that was utterly convincing for 100 years.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02It's not like something from Flash Gordon, or something?
0:03:02 > 0:03:06No, it's earlier than that. It was a cartographer
0:03:06 > 0:03:08- who was a highly respected figure... - Mm.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11..who was just imagining them.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13It was a chain of mountains all the way across Africa,
0:03:13 > 0:03:15below the Sahara
0:03:15 > 0:03:17and before what you might call 'darkest Africa',
0:03:17 > 0:03:20sub-Saharan Africa, as we'd now say.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24And this, right up to 1895, this was in atlases.
0:03:24 > 0:03:25He was called James Rennell
0:03:25 > 0:03:27and he was a very respected figure.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30- And he...- Until someone... - Until he made it up.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Until someone went skiing in the Mountains of Kong.
0:03:32 > 0:03:33LAUGHTER
0:03:33 > 0:03:36- Well, the effect of it was that nobody...- Should be here somewhere.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38The effect of it was that nobody dreamt
0:03:38 > 0:03:41or thought of passing this barrier and going through
0:03:41 > 0:03:42- to the rest of Africa.- Yeah.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44They had obviously navigated the coast,
0:03:44 > 0:03:47there was the slave routes, which were all the way further down,
0:03:47 > 0:03:50but everyone thought from the north you couldn't get through.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Did he, what did he do, spill something on the map and..?
0:03:52 > 0:03:54That's quite possible!
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Oh, bollocks, I've just... I'll call it the Mountains of...
0:03:56 > 0:03:58- LAUGHTER - ..Kong.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02But who, who gets to name, who gets the honour of naming a thing?
0:04:02 > 0:04:05- If you chance upon it, can you call it..?- Yeah.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Kong Mountains, or Jimmy Hill, or...
0:04:08 > 0:04:12Maybe, in the case David Livingstone, you'd call it Lake Victoria,
0:04:12 > 0:04:15after your dear queen and all that sort of thing.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17- Difficult to name it after yourself, isn't it?- It is.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19You have to name it after someone and so,
0:04:19 > 0:04:22the thing to do, as an explorer, would be to get there
0:04:22 > 0:04:25and then ask your assistant explorer if they can think of a name.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27LAUGHTER
0:04:27 > 0:04:30- You know, while reminding them how they got that job.- Yes.
0:04:30 > 0:04:31LAUGHTER
0:04:31 > 0:04:34"Oh, no, me? Really? Oh, you can't be..." Yes.
0:04:34 > 0:04:35Well, he called somewhere Blantyre,
0:04:35 > 0:04:39for example, which is where he was born in Scotland, Livingstone,
0:04:39 > 0:04:40but you do run out, don't you?
0:04:40 > 0:04:44It's a bit like the naming of waifs and strays, orphaned children,
0:04:44 > 0:04:46at the Foundling Hospital in London.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49It's a rather wonderful place to visit.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52And there's a plaque with names of all these children who turned up
0:04:52 > 0:04:56who were orphans, or babies mostly, left by their mothers.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59And after a while, the committee for naming them just got bored.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02And so... Jessiah Table.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04LAUGHTER
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Charlotte Sky.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09In a way, it's just awful! "Oh, I can't be arsed."
0:05:09 > 0:05:11- John Thing.- Yes!
0:05:11 > 0:05:13John Thing the Second.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15- John Thing the Third. - John Other Thing.- Yeah.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Couldn't give a toss!
0:05:17 > 0:05:18402.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20LAUGHTER
0:05:20 > 0:05:24But Meedhupparuraa exists in the Maldives.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27That's an island in the Raa Atoll.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30- Well, it won't exist for long, then. - LAUGHTER
0:05:30 > 0:05:34- Because it's very low. - Yes, yes, absolutely, yes.- Very low.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36A couple more coal-fired power stations
0:05:36 > 0:05:38- and it'll be Meedhupparuraa again. - LAUGHTER
0:05:40 > 0:05:43What about Messak Settafet?
0:05:43 > 0:05:46- Fine tennis player. - LAUGHTER
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Is it in Egypt?
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Not actually in Egypt,
0:05:50 > 0:05:53- but not so many million miles away. - Shropshire.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55It's in the Sahara, is what I'm trying to say.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57- In the Sahara.- It's in the Sahara,
0:05:57 > 0:06:01and it is known as containing more tools than any other place on earth.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04- Apart from "insert city." - Apart from Made In Chelsea.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:10 > 0:06:13You may say, "Oh, a lot of tools. Well, that's not very interesting."
0:06:13 > 0:06:17But 75 artefacts per square metre,
0:06:17 > 0:06:19it's almost 200 million per square mile.
0:06:19 > 0:06:23- It's a staggering amount of man-made objects.- These things like hand axes?
0:06:23 > 0:06:26- Yes.- That sort of old tools. - Yeah, all those kinds of things.
0:06:26 > 0:06:27Over 100,00 years or so.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30- Local sandstone was ideal. - Messak Settafet,
0:06:30 > 0:06:34is that Saharan language, whatever it is, for Homebase, or...?
0:06:34 > 0:06:37LAUGHTER
0:06:37 > 0:06:39- It was the right kind of rock. - Clay Tools R Us.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41They'd bought a lot of flint
0:06:41 > 0:06:44- the day before the strimmer was invented.- Yeah.
0:06:44 > 0:06:45LAUGHTER
0:06:45 > 0:06:48According to Dr Robert Foley of Cambridge University,
0:06:48 > 0:06:51the rock extracted from Africa by humans to make tools
0:06:51 > 0:06:54over the last million years would be enough to build
0:06:54 > 0:06:56three Great Pyramids of Giza
0:06:56 > 0:06:59for every square mile of the entire continent.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Which is one way of expressing that there were a lot of them.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04There was a lot more Africa
0:07:04 > 0:07:07before early man turned it into tools.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10- LAUGHTER - Well, it's still there.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13- It's still in Africa, it's just now loose.- No, most of it's in museums.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Pyramids and pyramids are in museums
0:07:16 > 0:07:19and in a big heap in Messak Settafet.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Probably the Mountains of Kong WERE there.
0:07:22 > 0:07:27- LAUGHTER - They were just...- They just made tools out of them.- Yeah.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30APPLAUSE
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Very good indeed.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35So, Merv. Where's Merv? Where was Merv? Where is Merv?
0:07:35 > 0:07:37- Where could Merv be? - Usually fielding on the boundary.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40- LAUGHTER So you're talking about... - Merv Hughes.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43Merv Hughes, Merv the Swerve. Yeah.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45No, it's not that. It genuinely was a place.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48- Where's Merv? I don't know. - Well, it was a city.
0:07:48 > 0:07:53Is that Merv... The earliest city is supposed to be Ur, isn't it?
0:07:53 > 0:07:56- Yeah, that's just, they're like, "What shall we name it? Urgh!"
0:07:56 > 0:07:58- - Exactly.- Argh! Eeeh! - - "Sounds good to me, yeah!"
0:07:58 > 0:08:02- It's like the first stage of sophistication beyond Ur,
0:08:02 > 0:08:05we've gone Ur, Argh, Eurgh and Eeh.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08- You need then Merv, Brrf, Prrf. - LAUGHTER
0:08:08 > 0:08:10And then Seurgh.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Merv was on the legendary Silk Road.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16- OK.- The great trading route. - Oh, all right.- Yeah.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19- So China and India.- You mean in China and India and Pakistan.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23- Exactly. Through your...- Yeah, it's in my neck of the woods, if you will.- Yeah, exactly.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Good old Merv, we used to go there for chai and beverages.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28LAUGHTER
0:08:29 > 0:08:32There's a guy there who makes an amazing naan.
0:08:32 > 0:08:33LAUGHTER
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Is it like Knutsford, like a services?
0:08:35 > 0:08:40Naan, lovely, but surely chai is disgusting.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44- Chai is tea!- Oh, chai's lovely. - It's hot, sweet milky.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47- It's always sweet...- It's only your fault we have that! - LAUGHTER
0:08:47 > 0:08:50- Have you ever asked...- There was no chai before the British came.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52"..I'll have some chai, please, but without sugar."
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Why would you ask without sugar?
0:08:54 > 0:08:58- That's genuinely an insult which is, yeah, it's punishable.- Uh-oh. - LAUGHTER
0:08:58 > 0:09:01I'd rather not get type 2 diabetes.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Stephen, he's only been here ten minutes and you've insulted him.
0:09:04 > 0:09:08If you can't commit to type 2 diabetes, then you shouldn't have chai in the first place.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10- LAUGHTER I've learnt that, painfully. - Fair enough.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Let's get back to Merv.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15It was arguably the largest city in the world,
0:09:15 > 0:09:18had a population of 200,000 people.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22This is, we're going back from 1150s to 1200, that sort of thing.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25- A bit quieter now, though, by the look of it.- Well, yes.
0:09:25 > 0:09:26LAUGHTER
0:09:26 > 0:09:30- Just a man and a donkey.- Ever since they built the railway!- Yep.
0:09:30 > 0:09:31LAUGHTER
0:09:31 > 0:09:35- Since they built the freeway. - He's sitting there like, "They'll come back soon."
0:09:35 > 0:09:37That's what happened when they built the bypass.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40The bottom fell out of the market for green stuff.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42LAUGHTER
0:09:44 > 0:09:47But it all sounds a bit George RR Martin, actually,
0:09:47 > 0:09:52cos it changed hands between the Khwarazmians of Khiva,
0:09:52 > 0:09:53the Ghuzz and the Ghurids.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56- And the Dothraki. - And the Dothraki in the end. LAUGHTER
0:09:56 > 0:10:00In 1221, they surrendered to the Mongols, which was a big mistake.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Didn't everyone surrender to the Mongols around then?
0:10:03 > 0:10:05- I would.- I don't think surrendering was the right word, though.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08- They didn't have a choice in the matter as such.- Not really,
0:10:08 > 0:10:10and the result was they were all massacred, every one of them killed.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14- Disaster.- Yeah.- Except for that person.- The Mongols didn't understand the basics, did they?
0:10:14 > 0:10:17- Yeah, the Mongols were not kind or polite.- Yeah, bad Mongols!
0:10:17 > 0:10:19We might come to them later, who knows?
0:10:19 > 0:10:23But the closest modern city to Merv is in Turkmenistan,
0:10:23 > 0:10:27- and it's called Mary.- I like that. - It's a city called Mary.- Mother Mary.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30- Why do you think it's called Mary? - Erm, why is it called Mary?
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Oh, because Catholic missionaries, or...?
0:10:33 > 0:10:36No, it's because they believe that's where the mother of Jee-ee-sus...
0:10:36 > 0:10:38LAUGHTER ..was buried.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42LAUGHTER BUILDS
0:10:42 > 0:10:44- Anyway!- Why would the mother of Jesus have
0:10:44 > 0:10:46gone quite such a long way to be buried?
0:10:46 > 0:10:48It's a long way from Nazareth.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Cos she wasn't as much of a celebrity, then...
0:10:51 > 0:10:53LAUGHTER
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Nowadays, it would be no problem for her to sort it out.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59You could get a sponsorship deal, Richard Branson would happily
0:10:59 > 0:11:02helicopter her anywhere in the world to be buried,
0:11:02 > 0:11:04- but in those days it's just a long trek...- It was.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06..with no-one really taking any notice of you.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09- She's just another dead Mary, isn't she?- Exactly.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13- Maybe it was just a random. Are they sure it's the right Mary?- Yeah.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16- Well, it could be, because there was all kinds of Marys around.- Yes.
0:11:16 > 0:11:20It was like Brighton, it was just full of Marys.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23So - thank you for getting that, if you did - erm...
0:11:23 > 0:11:25LAUGHTER
0:11:25 > 0:11:29The Mountains of Kong aren't real, but Meedhupparuraa is.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32Can you give me your best Mummerset accent?
0:11:32 > 0:11:34"Mummerset."
0:11:34 > 0:11:36THEY MUMBLE
0:11:36 > 0:11:39You're hoping for an, "ooh-aar."
0:11:39 > 0:11:43- Yes, that's correct. That's right. It's not difficult.- Oh.- Yeah.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46- Another go.- So that's like a generic mumbling.- Yeah.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48It's not even West Country, is it, Mummerset?
0:11:48 > 0:11:52- It's sort of like a default kind of... It can be east and west or anywhere.- That's right, yes.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55You replace an S with a Z, like "zider," all that sort of thing.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58F with a V - Vry, Stephen Vry.
0:11:58 > 0:12:02Right, so for example, "I haven't seen Alan since Friday,"
0:12:02 > 0:12:05becomes, "Oi ain't zeen that Alan since Vroiday."
0:12:05 > 0:12:07LAUGHTER
0:12:07 > 0:12:08Why is it called Mummerset?
0:12:08 > 0:12:13- Mummerset.- What is a mummer? What are mummers?- Oh, a theatrical player. - A theatrical clown.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17- Mummers are...- Like a clown or something.- Actors.- Players. Actors.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20And it's a word given to the generic West Country accent
0:12:20 > 0:12:25that - most West Country people would say - bad actors
0:12:25 > 0:12:28- give to a clown, a fool... - On BBC radio.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31- ..a rustic, any kind of figure like that, in a drama or a film.- Pirates.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33They say, "Ooh-aar, you can't come here."
0:12:33 > 0:12:36- Pirates are bit West Country, aren't they?- Yeah.
0:12:36 > 0:12:37"Aar. Aaaar."
0:12:37 > 0:12:40So, how do you say, "Hay!"?
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Like that! I don't know.
0:12:42 > 0:12:43LAUGHTER
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Hay!
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Hay bales!
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Whooo!
0:12:51 > 0:12:53- It's not unique...- Hay!
0:12:53 > 0:12:55LAUGHTER
0:12:55 > 0:12:58- It's not unique to English. - He's delighted.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00- I gather, Sami, that... - I've lost my needle !
0:13:00 > 0:13:02LAUGHTER
0:13:03 > 0:13:06- APPLAUSE - Help me !
0:13:08 > 0:13:11But I gather, Sami, there is a generic Indian accent?
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Well, OK, there is a generic Indian accent -
0:13:14 > 0:13:16- PUTS ON ACCENT:- "Talking like this and everything's OK."
0:13:16 > 0:13:19But I realised recently, cos I was doing a Pakistani character
0:13:19 > 0:13:22in one of my stand-up shows, where I was talking about my relative,
0:13:22 > 0:13:25and I put on a generic Indian accent, and I was like,
0:13:25 > 0:13:27- "Am I being racist towards myself at this point?" - LAUGHTER
0:13:27 > 0:13:30- PUTS ON ACCENT:- "How are you doing?" And I think, but I don't talk like that.
0:13:30 > 0:13:34- So I don't know why I did that to myself.- That is fascinating.- Yeah. - LAUGHTER
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Yeah, on the subject of accents and so on,
0:13:37 > 0:13:40who was the first BBC newsreader
0:13:40 > 0:13:43to have what you might call a regional accent? Do you know this?
0:13:43 > 0:13:46- Uh...- It was a Yorkshire accent, as it goes.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49- I don't know. I'm trying to remember one.- So from Yorkshire?
0:13:49 > 0:13:51It was during the Second World War.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54And the idea was, people thought - the BBC and the Government thought
0:13:54 > 0:13:58that a local accent would be harder for a German impostor to put on. LAUGHTER
0:13:58 > 0:14:01Because the newsreaders had to say their name.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04So they'd say, "This is the six o'clock news read by Alvar Lidell," or whatever.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06"Read by Wolfgang... Oh, oh!"
0:14:06 > 0:14:08LAUGHTER
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Exactly. Got you! Got you! Ha, ha!
0:14:10 > 0:14:13And it was, "This is the six o'clock news
0:14:13 > 0:14:14"read by Wilfred Pickles."
0:14:14 > 0:14:16- Oh, Pickles.- Yeah, Wilfred Pickles.
0:14:16 > 0:14:20Unfortunately the public reported that while they may believe that it was Wilfred Pickles,
0:14:20 > 0:14:22what they didn't believe was a word he said.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25IN A POSH ACCENT: "Because he didn't speak like this."
0:14:25 > 0:14:27- IN A YORKSHIRE ACCENT:- "This was a lot of fuss about nothing."
0:14:27 > 0:14:30"So we are winning the war in the Atlantic." "No, that's rubbish."
0:14:30 > 0:14:33LAUGHTER
0:14:33 > 0:14:36That's how it went. So actors, yeah, have this...
0:14:36 > 0:14:38You're an actor as well as a comedian.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40I did one stage play a while back, yeah.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43- I believe it was Romeo And Juliet? - Yes.- And naturally you played...
0:14:43 > 0:14:45I played Juliet, actually.
0:14:45 > 0:14:46LAUGHTER
0:14:46 > 0:14:50No, it was... The point of the play was to create awareness
0:14:50 > 0:14:53about homosexuality and about AIDS awareness in Pakistan.
0:14:53 > 0:14:57So we did the play and the goal was I would play Juliet
0:14:57 > 0:14:59and we'd have a man playing Romeo as well.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03But we did one night and then we got told not to do any more.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06When you say told not to do any more, is that a euphemism for...
0:15:06 > 0:15:08It's not a, "No, please don't do any more."
0:15:08 > 0:15:11- It's not like that at all, no.- No. It's a, "Please don't do any more."
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Well, I mean, they don't ever have to point it, because it's, um...
0:15:14 > 0:15:18- Because they've got a massive sword. - Yeah, it's implied. - LAUGHTER
0:15:18 > 0:15:22I don't want to make hasty judgements about Pakistan, I've never been, but you've got the Taliban. Hello?
0:15:22 > 0:15:25- Yeah, but other than them it's nice. - LAUGHTER
0:15:25 > 0:15:28- I mean, how do you go back?- Yeah, but Stephen, the naans, the naans!
0:15:28 > 0:15:29The naans are amazing.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31LAUGHTER
0:15:31 > 0:15:34APPLAUSE
0:15:36 > 0:15:39But seriously, how do you go back when you do things like this?
0:15:39 > 0:15:40You stand up for gay rights.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43You're not a gay man yourself, but you stand up for them, which is
0:15:43 > 0:15:46completely, as it were, unnecessary, but a magnificent thing to do.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50- How do you...dare?- What happens is you get the death threats
0:15:50 > 0:15:52and as long as you're getting the death threats...
0:15:52 > 0:15:56- Oh, we all get death threats, don't we?- Yes! But we get them for silly things like, you know,
0:15:56 > 0:15:58not being ever considered to be the host of a motoring show.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01You get for doing really serious, humanitarian,
0:16:01 > 0:16:02against-the-grain, political work.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Well, it's all just stand-up comedy at the end of the day,
0:16:04 > 0:16:08so you're kind of wondering whether, like, is this another penis joke?
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Like, you don't know how humanitarian it is.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12So is there a thriving stand-up circuit?
0:16:12 > 0:16:14There was me and another guy.
0:16:14 > 0:16:15LAUGHTER
0:16:17 > 0:16:19- And he's an undercover agent!- Yeah!
0:16:21 > 0:16:23And he's German, it turns out.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26No, the main thing I realised was as long as the death
0:16:26 > 0:16:28threats are coming, you're safe.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31It's when they stop coming, that means the people sending the threats
0:16:31 > 0:16:33- are now coming over. - LAUGHTER
0:16:33 > 0:16:35They used to say in the First World War, when you hear the
0:16:35 > 0:16:38whistle of the shells, it's when they stop you're in danger.
0:16:38 > 0:16:39- That's right.- God.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Well, Mummerset - exactly, it's mummers,
0:16:42 > 0:16:44actors and their generic West Country accent.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Now, while we're in the West Country,
0:16:46 > 0:16:49the highest point in Cornwall is called Brown Willy.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52But can you name an M-word for the part of the body
0:16:52 > 0:16:55that Brown Willy is named after?
0:16:55 > 0:16:57- Hello.- I say!
0:16:57 > 0:16:58LAUGHTER
0:16:58 > 0:17:01- Massive man tool.- Massive man tool. - Massive man tool.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05- Is it the middle?- Midriff, you mean? - Is it the pectorals?
0:17:05 > 0:17:07- Mid...midr... No, just the middle. - The middle, general middle.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09The middle of a person.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11LAUGHTER
0:17:11 > 0:17:14Can I just say about that man, he's spent so much time on his torso,
0:17:14 > 0:17:15- and yet that hair.- Yeah.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17LAUGHTER
0:17:17 > 0:17:19And I say that with this, but you know.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22- The Brown in Brown Willy actually comes from...- A bit of the body beginning with M...
0:17:22 > 0:17:25- The mind.- Ooooh.- Oh, yeah.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29- Aaah.- Is that body or is it...? Oh, I say. Well, that's interesting. - See what I did there?
0:17:29 > 0:17:32- It comes from...- An internal organ beginning with M?
0:17:32 > 0:17:34- The old Cornish word Bronn is the Brown bit.- OK.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37- And that means breast. - Breast?- Breast.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Breast.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41- LAUGHTER - Mammary glands.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44- Yeah, exactly.- Does it make you feel more comforted to say it repeatedly?
0:17:44 > 0:17:47- LAUGHTER Mammaries, exactly.- Breast, breast!
0:17:47 > 0:17:52So yeah, and Willy was originally Wennili, meaning swallow.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54- I mean the animal. The bird. - Right, sure.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56LAUGHTER
0:17:56 > 0:17:58There are lots of places in the UK named after mammaries.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Can you name one?
0:18:00 > 0:18:01- Um...- Boob Town.- Boob Town!
0:18:01 > 0:18:04LAUGHTER No, can you name a real one?
0:18:04 > 0:18:06- Oh, sorry.- Great Tit-chfield.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09The Mountains of Boob.
0:18:09 > 0:18:10LAUGHTER
0:18:10 > 0:18:14- LAUGHING:- The Mountains of Boob. - Well...
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Press your buzzer.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18# Man United... #
0:18:18 > 0:18:20- Manchester?- Yes!
0:18:20 > 0:18:22- Oh.- It was Mam-chester originally.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Mam as in mammary. Yes.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26- And it's got "chest" in it as well.- Yeah!
0:18:26 > 0:18:27LAUGHTER
0:18:27 > 0:18:30It's an incredibly rudely named place.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32- Full breasts, the mammaries and the chest.- Yeah.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35- And there's Nippleton, as well, isn't there?- Yeah.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37It's from the Celtic "Mam".
0:18:37 > 0:18:39And you've got Mam Tor in Derbyshire.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Jugsford.
0:18:41 > 0:18:42LAUGHTER
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Racksbury.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Melonford.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49- Great Titty.- Bazookaville.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52LAUGHTER
0:18:52 > 0:18:53Rackton.
0:18:53 > 0:18:54LAUGHTER
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Oh, dear, gracious.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00The Paps of Anu in Ireland are named after the breasts...
0:19:00 > 0:19:01LAUGHTER
0:19:01 > 0:19:04And there's a Pap of Glencoe and a Maiden Pap in Scotland.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06- There's Papworth. - Papworth, absolutely.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08There's a hospital there.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11- And what about Titty Hill in West Sussex?- What about it?
0:19:11 > 0:19:14- It exists, but it's not named after breasts.- No, of course.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18- What's it named after?- The other tits.- Sir Malcolm Titty.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20LAUGHTER
0:19:20 > 0:19:22It's so silly, it's funny.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25His assistant named it when they both discovered it.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27"What do you think we should call this?" "Er..."
0:19:27 > 0:19:30- "I think we should name it after you, Titty."- "Titty Hill."
0:19:30 > 0:19:33- LAUGHTER - "You found it, Titty."
0:19:33 > 0:19:36"Well, we're not going to name it after you, Big Dick."
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Silly Carry On lines. Oh, dear.
0:19:38 > 0:19:42It's actually named after, I think you were struggling to say that, what it was named after.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45- Oh, the birds?- The birds, the tits. - The blue tits.- Blue tits.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47- Or the great tits.- Blue tits, great tits, yeah. Birds. LAUGHTER
0:19:47 > 0:19:50- Brown Willy is the highest point of Bodmin Moor.- Of anyone's life.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53LAUGHTER
0:19:53 > 0:19:57Anyway, how mad can a mango make a man go?
0:19:57 > 0:20:01LAUGHTER Do you see what I did? There's a mango.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05This is a story you either know or you don't, but it is actually
0:20:05 > 0:20:09genuinely a fascinating story, and rather horrifically repellent, too.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11So where a mango made a man go mad?
0:20:11 > 0:20:14- It made a whole nation go mad, actually, this.- Is there something toxic about a mango?
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Not toxic. It made them go mad in a fever of worship.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Oh, so they fetishised the mango?
0:20:19 > 0:20:22They fetishised the man who gave them the mango.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26- They made a god of a mango-bringing man?- Virtually, yes.- Right.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29- Absolutely right.- Was it Del Monte, the man from Del Monte?
0:20:29 > 0:20:31LAUGHTER
0:20:31 > 0:20:34That would have been relatively sane, in a strange sort of way.
0:20:34 > 0:20:39- To worship the man from Del Monte? - This was the largest nation on earth in the 1960s. 1968, to be precise.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42- China.- China.- China. So who ruled China in 1968?
0:20:42 > 0:20:45- Mao Zedong.- Mao Zedong. The hero of the people.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47He received a crate of mangos from...
0:20:47 > 0:20:50- The man from Del Monte! - The man from Del Monte.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53- The man responsible was the Pakistani Foreign Minister.- There we go.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56- Do you know this story?- Oh!- Yeah, because the Pakistani mango is,
0:20:56 > 0:21:00- no matter what the Indians say, the best in the world.- Yes.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03And the fact that I haven't had a Pakistani mango in three years now
0:21:03 > 0:21:06- is just a point of misery for me. - You really miss them?
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Oh, my God, they're amazing. They really are.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12If you try and eat a mango, usually they've been over-chilled
0:21:12 > 0:21:15in Britain, so they're fibrous and that stone in the middle is too close
0:21:15 > 0:21:18to the flesh, and you try it with your knife and it squirts over you.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21What should you do? Should you just simply bury your head in it?
0:21:21 > 0:21:23- There's no dignity.- Right, so you...
0:21:23 > 0:21:27Mangos are like lobsters. You can't look cool and eat a mango.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Like, you decide, "I'm eating the mango
0:21:30 > 0:21:31"OR I'm getting laid tonight."
0:21:31 > 0:21:35- LAUGHTER - Those are the choices you make in life.
0:21:35 > 0:21:39Well, obviously, then, the Pakistani Foreign Minister in 1968 thought
0:21:39 > 0:21:43he was doing a really smart thing by giving such a beautiful fruit,
0:21:43 > 0:21:46a crate of them to the leader of the most populous nation on earth,
0:21:46 > 0:21:51Mao Zedong, and he instantly re-gifted those mangos.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54- This is where it gets weird. - Awkward.- Yeah.- He gave them to
0:21:54 > 0:21:57the factory workers' peace-keeping squads, who called themselves
0:21:57 > 0:22:01The Worker Peasant Mao Zedong Thought Propaganda Teams.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03- Catchy. - LAUGHTER
0:22:03 > 0:22:06What's the big deal? He didn't like them, re-gifted them.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09No story there. The crate of mangos was split up
0:22:09 > 0:22:11and individual fruits were sent to factories,
0:22:11 > 0:22:15where they were put on altars - so yes, you were right, worshipped -
0:22:15 > 0:22:18preserved in formaldehyde, sealed in wax,
0:22:18 > 0:22:21and in one case, boiled in a huge pot of water,
0:22:21 > 0:22:24and one teaspoon went to each worker, of the water.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28- So they didn't eat the mango? - No. It gets weirder.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31- There were mango...- Just... - There were Mao mango... LAUGHTER
0:22:31 > 0:22:33- Lots of M's here.- Sacrilege!- It is!
0:22:33 > 0:22:37There were Mao mango medallions. Textiles with mango pictures on them.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Hundreds more mango artefacts - trays, mugs, fabric.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43The state even produced Mango brand cigarettes.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Despite all this, most people in China, of course,
0:22:45 > 0:22:47had never seen a mango. There was only one crate
0:22:47 > 0:22:49to go round a billion people.
0:22:49 > 0:22:50LAUGHTER
0:22:50 > 0:22:53One man who remarked that it was nothing special
0:22:53 > 0:22:56and looked just like a sweet potato
0:22:56 > 0:22:58was arrested as a counter-revolutionary...
0:22:58 > 0:23:01- LAUGHTER - As he should have been.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03..put on - wait for it - put on trial, found guilty,
0:23:03 > 0:23:06taken to the edge of town and shot.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09LAUGHTER
0:23:09 > 0:23:11- Sorry, sorry.- Now, come on!
0:23:11 > 0:23:14- I'm just saying! Sorry. - APPLAUSE
0:23:15 > 0:23:18There we go. It's pretty astonishing though, isn't it?
0:23:18 > 0:23:21It tells a lot about human nature. It's very unfortunate.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25What you want to do, you want to slice the side off and then score it
0:23:25 > 0:23:28- with horizontal and vertical lines...- Oooh.
0:23:28 > 0:23:29..and then kind of pop it inside out...
0:23:29 > 0:23:33- And then it's like a little hedgehog.- Yeah.- ..and then you eat the little squares.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35AUDIENCE MEMBER CLAPS
0:23:35 > 0:23:38You can get a sort of clutter that shape. LAUGHTER
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Round of applause for describing how to eat a mango!
0:23:40 > 0:23:43The Mango Appreciation Society is in.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46I'm very proud to be part of a show in which
0:23:46 > 0:23:49- we can spend ten minutes discussing mangos.- Yeah.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51- It's very pleasing.- Lovely.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55Now, who gets best use out of a man engine?
0:23:55 > 0:23:57A woman.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59LAUGHTER
0:24:01 > 0:24:02Can't believe that hasn't gone off!
0:24:02 > 0:24:04LAUGHTER
0:24:04 > 0:24:07- Do you want to know what the forfeit was?- No.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09"You do, Stephen."
0:24:09 > 0:24:11LAUGHTER
0:24:11 > 0:24:12Isn't that sick? I said,
0:24:12 > 0:24:15"No, no-one's going to say that!" And you didn't.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17- Yeah, we've moved beyond. - Yeah, exactly.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21- Anyway, what do you get out of a man engine?- Is it invented by a Mr Man?
0:24:21 > 0:24:23- Not a Mr Man, not like...- Mr Men. LAUGHTER
0:24:23 > 0:24:27- Mr Strong or...- Mr Inventor. - Roger Hargreaves.- Yeah.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29- Mr Brilliant Inventor.- Mr Inventor.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32But someone whose surname was Man?
0:24:32 > 0:24:33No, it's nothing to do with that.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36- What was the first engine? - Steam engines.- Steam.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39- There was the Newcomen engine. - The Newcomen engine, where was that?
0:24:39 > 0:24:40That was in the early 18th century,
0:24:40 > 0:24:43it was for pumping water out of mines.
0:24:43 > 0:24:47- Where were those mines?- Cornwall. - Cornwall?- Cornwall. Tin mines.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50- Tin mines.- Trevithick, his engine, and Newcomen, as you rightly say.
0:24:50 > 0:24:54So, you've got to get men down the mines to hammer away and get the tin.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57And there, you can see, there's a ladder that goes a certain way down,
0:24:57 > 0:25:00but if you dig down, dig down, dig down, dig down, and then you've got a real problem.
0:25:00 > 0:25:05The men have got to get all the way down to the bottom, all the way up to the top, and they'll be knackered.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08- You're not getting good productivity out of them. So you need...- A lift!
0:25:08 > 0:25:12- Yeah, but there's no technology for a lift.- Oh, shit! - You need a man engine!
0:25:12 > 0:25:15- So all you have is a wheel that goes round, like that.- Oh, yeah.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17That's what you have. It's very cunning, look at that.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20- Watch the men there going up. - That's like two weird ski lifts.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22- I bet there were never accidents doing that. - LAUGHTER
0:25:22 > 0:25:25Well, given how many there are in coal mines....
0:25:25 > 0:25:27It's beautifully elegant, isn't it?
0:25:27 > 0:25:29And is that when they invented the computer game as well?
0:25:29 > 0:25:31LAUGHTER
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Well, that's to give you an impression of how it works.
0:25:33 > 0:25:37It's actually rather elegant. As you can see, the flywheel or whatever you call it,
0:25:37 > 0:25:40the wheel which converts into this downward and upward motion.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43And obviously if you reverse, it'll get the men down.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45I could watch that for days.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48- Yeah.- I've actually gone into a hypnotic trance now, have you?
0:25:48 > 0:25:51As you can see, this one is simply run by water, it's not even a steam engine.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54And then they get on a conveyor belt at the top.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57LAUGHTER
0:25:58 > 0:26:01APPLAUSE
0:26:02 > 0:26:03Yes, you're right.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08It can't be, they hadn't invented that. It must be an ice rink.
0:26:08 > 0:26:09LAUGHTER
0:26:09 > 0:26:11- These days, mines are...- "Argh!"
0:26:11 > 0:26:13"Argh! Argh!"
0:26:13 > 0:26:16"Argh! Argh!"
0:26:16 > 0:26:19LAUGHTER The Lemmings game.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Now, what are the three manly games?
0:26:22 > 0:26:25Rugger, surely.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27KLAXON
0:26:29 > 0:26:33- Not rugby.- Spin the bottle?- Boxing.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35- Boxing?- Oh...- No. - KLAXON
0:26:35 > 0:26:37David, David, David, David, David...
0:26:37 > 0:26:40- Is it going to be Tiddlywinks and...- Oh!
0:26:40 > 0:26:41KLAXON
0:26:41 > 0:26:44LAUGHTER
0:26:44 > 0:26:46APPLAUSE
0:26:46 > 0:26:48That is miraculous, I have to say.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Greco-Roman wrestling.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52It's a form of wrestling. It's not Greco-Roman -
0:26:52 > 0:26:55- it's very much of its own country, which begins with our...- M?
0:26:55 > 0:26:58- ..our guest letter, yes, exactly. - Mongolian wrestling.
0:26:58 > 0:26:59Mongolia is the right answer!
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Oh, I'm bouncing back from the tiddlywinks fiasco.
0:27:02 > 0:27:06Yeah, the Mongolians have these games in their biggest festival,
0:27:06 > 0:27:07which is Naadam.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10So, as you can see, it's archery, it's horse racing
0:27:10 > 0:27:12and it's wrestling in tight pants.
0:27:12 > 0:27:13And that's what the Mongolians do.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15- Those aren't pants, sorry. - Aren't they?
0:27:15 > 0:27:18- They're underwear.- Oh, yeah! We have a linguistic issue here,
0:27:18 > 0:27:19- you're right.- I'm... Oh, sorry.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Oh, so in England are underwear pants?
0:27:21 > 0:27:23- Yes.- Yes.- That explains a lot of confusion I have.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:27:26 > 0:27:28It's... What they're really wearing
0:27:28 > 0:27:30- is some sort of cheerleader's outfit.- Yeah.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32It's a sort of crop top and tight underpants and boots.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35This is confusing for me, cos this is exactly what Mary Berry
0:27:35 > 0:27:37is wearing in this season of Bake Off.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39LAUGHTER
0:27:39 > 0:27:41- And it's...- She's got a soggy bottom!
0:27:41 > 0:27:44- In that outfit, everyone has a soggy bottom.- Well, that's true.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46The thing is, although they're called the three manly games,
0:27:46 > 0:27:49women can enter the archery and the racing, the horsing,
0:27:49 > 0:27:52but they can't enter the wrestling with men in it.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54Is the jockey tiny or is the horse enormous?
0:27:54 > 0:27:56LAUGHTER
0:27:56 > 0:27:59A bit of both! A bit of both plus the effect of...
0:27:59 > 0:28:02- Its vast head!- I think that horse is a donkey.
0:28:02 > 0:28:03LAUGHTER
0:28:03 > 0:28:06- Do you really?- It does look like a donkey.- Yeah, I think it's a donkey.
0:28:06 > 0:28:10I don't think that person will win cos his horse is a donkey.
0:28:10 > 0:28:11LAUGHTER
0:28:11 > 0:28:13But this will interest you, I think.
0:28:13 > 0:28:17The winner of the Naadam wrestling contest is given the title...
0:28:17 > 0:28:19- Oh, there he is. Yeah.- Ooh, hello.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22Did the man second back ever have his breasts used
0:28:22 > 0:28:25to model a tor in, or a mountain in, Cornwall?
0:28:25 > 0:28:27- Because it... - LAUGHTER
0:28:27 > 0:28:29What is it with the clothes and the hats,
0:28:29 > 0:28:32- what are they doing?!- Look, this is a culture long established
0:28:32 > 0:28:34that murdered all the people of Merv.
0:28:34 > 0:28:36- Yeah. - LAUGHTER
0:28:36 > 0:28:38- They make fun of their predecessors. - Yeah...
0:28:38 > 0:28:41When they turned up in Merv, and everyone went...
0:28:41 > 0:28:43- HE LAUGHS - We surrender and your clothes are funny!
0:28:43 > 0:28:45LAUGHTER
0:28:45 > 0:28:48In Mongolia, nothing's more manly than wrestling another man
0:28:48 > 0:28:50in a pair of tiny underpants.
0:28:50 > 0:28:54What's the connection between margarine and marriage in Maine?
0:28:54 > 0:28:57- Oh... Is this like a sort of erm... - Is it an anagram?
0:28:57 > 0:29:00- It's about statistics...- Oh, is it about...people less interested?
0:29:00 > 0:29:04Well, there's a man called Tyler Vigen of Harvard University,
0:29:04 > 0:29:07who describes himself as a "statistical provocateur",
0:29:07 > 0:29:12- and he's found evidence that... - He sounds AWFUL.
0:29:12 > 0:29:13LAUGHTER
0:29:13 > 0:29:16He's really trying to sex up his dossier there.
0:29:16 > 0:29:19Can you imagine getting stuck at a party
0:29:19 > 0:29:21with a statistical provocateur?
0:29:21 > 0:29:23LAUGHTER
0:29:23 > 0:29:26"Are you saying there are more schoolchildren who
0:29:26 > 0:29:27"have pencils than don't?"
0:29:27 > 0:29:31"Well... Prepare to be shocked!" LAUGHTER
0:29:31 > 0:29:34I'd say 75% of me thinks you're a total dick.
0:29:34 > 0:29:36LAUGHTER
0:29:36 > 0:29:39- Oh, I feel sorry for him now, you bastards.- No, there is a point to him.
0:29:41 > 0:29:44He discovered that the divorce rate in Maine since 2000
0:29:44 > 0:29:48correlates with the per capita consumption of margarine in the United States as a whole.
0:29:48 > 0:29:51In other words, when margarine consumption goes up...
0:29:51 > 0:29:53so do the number of divorces.
0:29:53 > 0:29:56- But that's a false correlation presumably.- Yes! That's the point.
0:29:56 > 0:30:00He actually wants us to understand that it's very easy for us to believe
0:30:00 > 0:30:04that you get a set of statistics that say...
0:30:04 > 0:30:08"as the amount of free milk and orange juice went up in the '50s
0:30:08 > 0:30:11"so did the literacy rate in Britain" -
0:30:11 > 0:30:15people go, "Oh, that just shows them orange juice and milk are very important to literacy."
0:30:15 > 0:30:18It's bollocks. You have to demonstrate a causal relationship.
0:30:18 > 0:30:20This is what's known as a correlative one.
0:30:20 > 0:30:23And he becomes more and more ridiculous.
0:30:23 > 0:30:25And that's why he's a provocateur, he wants to...
0:30:25 > 0:30:28- SOUNDS provocative.- Yeah. - It is, kind of. He discovered -
0:30:28 > 0:30:30these are just "M" ones alone -
0:30:30 > 0:30:33the age of Miss America correlates to the number of murders by steam,
0:30:33 > 0:30:35hot vapours and hot objects.
0:30:35 > 0:30:38LAUGHTER The marriage rate in New York
0:30:38 > 0:30:40correlates with the number of murders by blunt objects.
0:30:40 > 0:30:43So the more people get married in New York, the more murders there are.
0:30:43 > 0:30:46That might actually be causative. LAUGHTER
0:30:46 > 0:30:48George Canning, who was Prime Minister of Britain for the
0:30:48 > 0:30:51supreme length of 119 days -
0:30:51 > 0:30:53there he is, not the best-known Prime Minister -
0:30:53 > 0:30:56he said, "I can prove anything with statistics,
0:30:56 > 0:30:57"except the truth."
0:30:57 > 0:30:59Mmmm!
0:30:59 > 0:31:01That's when they got rid of him.
0:31:01 > 0:31:02LAUGHTER Yeah.
0:31:02 > 0:31:04They went, "Oh, God..."
0:31:04 > 0:31:06I was thinking the...
0:31:06 > 0:31:07"Can't you be more provocative?!"
0:31:07 > 0:31:09LAUGHTER
0:31:09 > 0:31:12Now - describe the morning glory of the rubber people of Mexico.
0:31:12 > 0:31:13ALAN LAUGHS
0:31:15 > 0:31:18- Is there something amusing in that question?- Yeah.
0:31:18 > 0:31:21- The morning glory of the rubber people.- The rubber people?
0:31:21 > 0:31:23Break it down for us.
0:31:23 > 0:31:25What's morning glory?
0:31:25 > 0:31:27Well, morning glory
0:31:27 > 0:31:31is a delicious vegetable enjoyed by many people in southeast Asia and often put in broths,
0:31:31 > 0:31:33and a massive erection.
0:31:33 > 0:31:35LAUGHTER
0:31:35 > 0:31:40- Yeah, a morning glory is indeed a flower, beautiful flower. Vegetable and flower.- Yeah.
0:31:40 > 0:31:42The rubber people...?
0:31:42 > 0:31:44- DAVID:- Are these where there are rubber trees?
0:31:44 > 0:31:46Well, it's the early people of Mexico,
0:31:46 > 0:31:48the earliest people we know of...
0:31:48 > 0:31:50- SAMI:- The rubber age. - LAUGHTER
0:31:50 > 0:31:52- The rubber age! - Iron age, rubber age.
0:31:52 > 0:31:56Well, it was for them a rubber age, exactly. These people.
0:31:56 > 0:31:59Because rubber was first cultivated in Mexico.
0:31:59 > 0:32:04Not in Malaysia or Liberia any of the other places where it's grown, but in Mexico.
0:32:04 > 0:32:06And the people of that time...
0:32:06 > 0:32:09Well, I only know the Aztecs...
0:32:09 > 0:32:12- Or the Mayans?- Well, the Aztecs gave them this name. They were called the Olmec.
0:32:12 > 0:32:16Between 1200 and 400 BC, so it was a long time ago.
0:32:16 > 0:32:19And then they tapped rubber,
0:32:19 > 0:32:21and made a ball out of it which they played their ball game in,
0:32:21 > 0:32:24which they called in their language "the ball game".
0:32:24 > 0:32:25LAUGHTER
0:32:25 > 0:32:26And they used one of those hoops,
0:32:26 > 0:32:29and versions of it are still played to this day.
0:32:29 > 0:32:31So it's really remarkable.
0:32:31 > 0:32:34Because it was 3,000 years later
0:32:34 > 0:32:38that we in the West learned to do this same thing to rubber,
0:32:38 > 0:32:39a process known as...
0:32:39 > 0:32:41- Do you know what it's called? - Vulcanization?
0:32:41 > 0:32:44Vulcanization, exactly right.
0:32:44 > 0:32:46Invented by Spock and the Vulcans.
0:32:46 > 0:32:48LAUGHTER Yeah, exactly!
0:32:48 > 0:32:51It was a man called Thomas Hancock in Britain, and a better-known figure
0:32:51 > 0:32:56called Charles Goodyear in America - Goodyear tyres still obviously used -
0:32:56 > 0:32:58in 1844.
0:32:58 > 0:33:02Yes, the Olmecs were making rubber a good few years before Goodyear.
0:33:02 > 0:33:04But now it's time for the earth-shattering round
0:33:04 > 0:33:07that we call General Ignorance. Fingers on buzzers, if you please.
0:33:07 > 0:33:12What's the easternmost state of the USA?
0:33:12 > 0:33:14# ..Massachusetts... #
0:33:15 > 0:33:16Well... Now...
0:33:16 > 0:33:18LAUGHTER
0:33:18 > 0:33:19I'm going to say Alaska.
0:33:19 > 0:33:22Is the right answer! Well done.
0:33:22 > 0:33:23APPLAUSE
0:33:24 > 0:33:26Yeah...
0:33:26 > 0:33:29Maine sees the first sunrise on the continental United States,
0:33:29 > 0:33:32but that's the line of longitude,
0:33:32 > 0:33:33and little bits of that
0:33:33 > 0:33:36that look like just Russia and things are actually Alaska -
0:33:36 > 0:33:39you see those islands at the bottom that curve round...
0:33:39 > 0:33:41- It's got the weirdest shape, Alaska.- Yeah.
0:33:41 > 0:33:43The very south of it, the Aleutian Islands,
0:33:43 > 0:33:45they cross the line of longitude,
0:33:45 > 0:33:48so the bits that go right up to the line are the westernmost parts
0:33:48 > 0:33:51but the bits the other side are the easternmost parts.
0:33:51 > 0:33:54So there are bits of it that are south of Russia...
0:33:54 > 0:33:56Yes. Absolutely, it's all very surprising.
0:33:56 > 0:34:00- Are they inhabited, any of those, do we know?- No, I don't think so.
0:34:00 > 0:34:02Most of them are uninhabited.
0:34:02 > 0:34:04Any old fishing villages or something?
0:34:04 > 0:34:07Millions of sea birds. But no, not many humans.
0:34:07 > 0:34:09Alaska's state motto is North To The Future.
0:34:09 > 0:34:12Don't know what that means, but there it is.
0:34:12 > 0:34:16They all have mottos, these states -
0:34:16 > 0:34:19my favourite one is Kentucky.
0:34:19 > 0:34:21Kentucky's known really for two things...
0:34:21 > 0:34:24- Fried chicken. - Well, yeah, apart from that.
0:34:24 > 0:34:26It's called the Bluegrass State,
0:34:26 > 0:34:30but it's bourbon and the Kentucky Derby, the race.
0:34:30 > 0:34:34And somebody came up with a two-word phrase for Kentucky,
0:34:34 > 0:34:37which encapsulates both those things which I think is rather brilliant...
0:34:37 > 0:34:39Pissed Horses.
0:34:39 > 0:34:41LAUGHTER That would do it...
0:34:41 > 0:34:43No, it's Unbridled Spirit.
0:34:43 > 0:34:46- Oh...!- Isn't that clever?- Very good.
0:34:46 > 0:34:48- That's genuinely clever. - No, that's great,
0:34:48 > 0:34:51that absolutely shits on North To The Future.
0:34:51 > 0:34:52LAUGHTER
0:34:54 > 0:34:55It's got to be said!
0:34:55 > 0:34:58Cos if there's one place you do not want to head north from
0:34:58 > 0:35:01it's Alaska - cos there's fuck all of the world there.
0:35:01 > 0:35:02LAUGHTER
0:35:02 > 0:35:04You want to go SOUTH.
0:35:04 > 0:35:05- South to the future.- Yeah.
0:35:05 > 0:35:08North to the future, maybe, you'd say, from Argentina.
0:35:08 > 0:35:10Yes!
0:35:10 > 0:35:14But Alaska - south. North, in denial of the rest of humanity.
0:35:14 > 0:35:15LAUGHTER
0:35:15 > 0:35:17- "Head into the snow and die." - "North to a massive tundra."
0:35:17 > 0:35:20Wishful thinking, exactly.
0:35:20 > 0:35:23Yes, East is East, West is West and Alaska is both.
0:35:23 > 0:35:26In which country was Mozart born?
0:35:26 > 0:35:27- Ooh.- Mm.
0:35:27 > 0:35:30The countries were weird then, most of the countries didn't exist yet.
0:35:30 > 0:35:33Places like you think it's always been a country, like Germany
0:35:33 > 0:35:35- and Italy, didn't exist then. - No, that's right.
0:35:35 > 0:35:39- Was it the Mountains of Kong? - LAUGHTER
0:35:39 > 0:35:41- Well, obviously...- Was he born in Salzburg?
0:35:41 > 0:35:42Yes! Well done. Good points.
0:35:42 > 0:35:45- And was that like a republic? - It was indeed. It was a state.
0:35:45 > 0:35:48APPLAUSE Yeah, it was a Serbian state.
0:35:50 > 0:35:54But Mozart HATED it and he moved, as soon as he could, to Vienna.
0:35:54 > 0:35:56Called himself German, although there was no such country.
0:35:56 > 0:36:00In fact, he died way before there was such a country.
0:36:00 > 0:36:04He didn't make Paul McCartney's mistake of, you know...
0:36:04 > 0:36:06outliving his cool.
0:36:06 > 0:36:08LAUGHTER No.
0:36:08 > 0:36:11- He didn't.- Yep.- Very, very true.
0:36:11 > 0:36:12APPLAUSE
0:36:15 > 0:36:18So, there you are. Yes, Mozart was a Salzburger.
0:36:18 > 0:36:20Goethe, as it happens, was a Frankfurter,
0:36:20 > 0:36:23Mendelssohn was a Hamburger,
0:36:23 > 0:36:24and the Brothers Grimm were Hessian.
0:36:24 > 0:36:27So they all came from different lands.
0:36:27 > 0:36:29Who invented the aqueduct?
0:36:29 > 0:36:31- SAMI:- The...
0:36:31 > 0:36:33DAVID LAUGHS
0:36:33 > 0:36:35- Go on, Sami!- Romans.
0:36:35 > 0:36:37Oh! KLAXON
0:36:37 > 0:36:38Damn!
0:36:38 > 0:36:40You fell into our little honeytrap.
0:36:40 > 0:36:43- What have the Romans ever done for us? - LAUGHTER
0:36:43 > 0:36:45They built that beautiful one there
0:36:45 > 0:36:48- which the Pont du Gard in the Provencal region...- So who got there first?
0:36:48 > 0:36:52The Etruscans, or someone who came before the Romans.
0:36:52 > 0:36:55- Even further before actually, you've got to go way back.- Adam.
0:36:55 > 0:36:57LAUGHTER
0:36:57 > 0:36:58Too far back.
0:36:58 > 0:37:01- That's a bit too far back. DAVID:- The Babylonians?
0:37:01 > 0:37:06Always a good bet. The first ones that are known about to archaeology
0:37:06 > 0:37:09were quite simple little ones, little runnels that allowed water...
0:37:09 > 0:37:11- Assyrians? - ..like that, not great big...
0:37:11 > 0:37:15No, we're actually in Greek-ish land, the Minoan culture. Which is Crete.
0:37:15 > 0:37:20And they were about the second millennium BC, so it was a long time ago.
0:37:20 > 0:37:24And then also earlier was as you said Babylonian -
0:37:24 > 0:37:25Sennacherib,
0:37:25 > 0:37:29who was a big emperor of the time, celebrated in a Byron poem.
0:37:29 > 0:37:30Good hat.
0:37:30 > 0:37:33He built really impressive ones, he was extremely rich and powerful.
0:37:33 > 0:37:36It was about 691 BC.
0:37:36 > 0:37:37Ten metres high, 30 metres wide,
0:37:37 > 0:37:41made of over two million stones, his aqueduct. Was used to water his gardens.
0:37:41 > 0:37:42- (Shut up.)- Which many think were the
0:37:42 > 0:37:45- sort of the origin of... DAVID:- The Hanging Gardens.- Yes.
0:37:45 > 0:37:47Do you think that could possibly be true?
0:37:47 > 0:37:51Well, there is quite a lot of archaeology to support it, it's not just description...
0:37:51 > 0:37:55Two million stones? It must've taken 100 years to build.
0:37:55 > 0:37:59Well, 100 million slaves probably - not that many obviously, but... Yeah.
0:37:59 > 0:38:03It was an 80 kilometre limestone aqueduct, it's a long way.
0:38:03 > 0:38:06(80 kilometres?) Yeah. Just for a garden.
0:38:06 > 0:38:07- Just...- But gardens are important.
0:38:07 > 0:38:11- Alan Titchmarsh has got a similar one in HIS garden. - LAUGHTER
0:38:11 > 0:38:15- HE MIMICS ALAN:- "But it's made of plastic guttering from B&Q!"
0:38:15 > 0:38:18"Decking. Lovely, lovely decking."
0:38:18 > 0:38:20It has to be said that those Minoan ones,
0:38:20 > 0:38:23the word "gutter" is more appropriate than the word "aqueduct".
0:38:23 > 0:38:24LAUGHTER
0:38:24 > 0:38:26I would not say I had an "aqueduct"
0:38:26 > 0:38:29round the edge of my house to collect the rainwater.
0:38:29 > 0:38:31LAUGHTER
0:38:31 > 0:38:34"The aqueduct's leaking again!"
0:38:34 > 0:38:36"Get out there and clear the aqueduct!"
0:38:36 > 0:38:38"Oooh...love."
0:38:40 > 0:38:43Now... Ooh, this is exciting! I've got some glasses of water for you.
0:38:43 > 0:38:44- Ooh!- Yes, I know. Be very...
0:38:44 > 0:38:46HE STRAINS ..very excited.
0:38:46 > 0:38:50Oh, there we go. Here are yours, Alan and David.
0:38:50 > 0:38:51Now, before... Don't try them.
0:38:51 > 0:38:55Don't, for God...whatever you do, drink any yet!
0:38:55 > 0:38:58Until you know what you're doing.
0:38:58 > 0:39:02Ah, there we are. There's A, B and C. Can you see that?
0:39:02 > 0:39:04- Well, A has got something in it. - Yeah.
0:39:04 > 0:39:06There's some weird detritus in it.
0:39:06 > 0:39:08Yeah, that's either some very poor washing up...
0:39:08 > 0:39:10- LAUGHTER - ..or that's...- Dandruff.
0:39:10 > 0:39:14- Well, I'll tell you what it is. A is sea water. A is sea water.- Oh.
0:39:14 > 0:39:16- Oh, it'll kill you. - I'll tell you what B is.
0:39:16 > 0:39:18Fresh water, because there's bubbles in it.
0:39:18 > 0:39:20It's, er, treated sewage.
0:39:20 > 0:39:23- All right, then. Ooh. - LAUGHTER
0:39:23 > 0:39:25That's why it's got bubbles in it!
0:39:25 > 0:39:28- Yeah, are you sure they're bubbles then?- And C is ultrapure water.
0:39:28 > 0:39:30- Right.- Can I have C?
0:39:30 > 0:39:31LAUGHTER
0:39:31 > 0:39:33Is that... That's your choice?
0:39:33 > 0:39:34- Oh, no.- Hey!
0:39:34 > 0:39:37LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:39:39 > 0:39:43But, to be fair, we don't know whether Sue meant C as in C
0:39:43 > 0:39:45- or sea as in sea. - STEPHEN LAUGHS
0:39:45 > 0:39:47LAUGHTER Ah, you little devil!
0:39:47 > 0:39:48LAUGHTER
0:39:48 > 0:39:52But, yes, the point was to trap you into choosing ultrapure water.
0:39:52 > 0:39:55- Ultrapure water is too pure.- Oh.
0:39:55 > 0:39:59The kidneys have a real problem here, because we rely on electrolytes
0:39:59 > 0:40:05to power, energize our brains and the heart and other bits of ourselves.
0:40:05 > 0:40:08And if your blood is drained of all the particles,
0:40:08 > 0:40:12because the pure water is taking them away, through osmosis,
0:40:12 > 0:40:14then you will die if you have too much ultrapure water.
0:40:14 > 0:40:17I'm going to revise now.
0:40:17 > 0:40:20- Would that amount of pure water kill you?- No, no! That's fine, no.
0:40:20 > 0:40:22So what is the best out of those three?
0:40:22 > 0:40:24Well, what about sea water, what...?
0:40:24 > 0:40:25Well, sea water's got a lot of salt in it.
0:40:25 > 0:40:27Yeah, the kidneys try and get the salt out,
0:40:27 > 0:40:30and, in order to get the salt out, they have to use water.
0:40:30 > 0:40:33So you, actually, the effect of drinking sea water is to dehydrate.
0:40:33 > 0:40:36- Yeah.- Right. - So we're left with treated sewage.
0:40:36 > 0:40:39- Well, it's been treated, I suppose that's...- It has been treated, yeah.
0:40:39 > 0:40:42But someone told me that water that you drink from a tap in London
0:40:42 > 0:40:45has been through nine people before it reaches the glass.
0:40:45 > 0:40:46- Is that true?- Yeah, it's not yet...
0:40:46 > 0:40:49No, it's not yet true at all. This is a sort of urban myth, that we all
0:40:49 > 0:40:52- like to think we're drinking...- It's been through cows and sheep as well.
0:40:52 > 0:40:54LAUGHTER
0:40:54 > 0:40:56- They're talking about it... - I'd like to know which nine people
0:40:56 > 0:40:59- they were, wouldn't you?- That is also very important to know.- Yeah.
0:40:59 > 0:41:02- In Windhoek, which is the capital of Namibia...- Namibia.
0:41:02 > 0:41:06- Yeah, exactly. And there, they have a slightly salty water...- Points!
0:41:06 > 0:41:08..because 25% of it is treated sewage,
0:41:08 > 0:41:11but only 25%. But it's perfectly OK.
0:41:11 > 0:41:14There's no excuse not do what this is, I believe,
0:41:14 > 0:41:16which is probably either Orange Country or LA,
0:41:16 > 0:41:19which is that they use treated sewage for golf courses
0:41:19 > 0:41:22and for irrigation and things like that.
0:41:22 > 0:41:25Treated sewage is getting popular, actually, around the world,
0:41:25 > 0:41:26so that seems a helpful thing.
0:41:26 > 0:41:29- But you ought to try. Why don't you try...- No, thanks!
0:41:29 > 0:41:31LAUGHTER No, I won't let you try the sewage,
0:41:31 > 0:41:34try the ultrapure. Cos it's not going to kill you, one sip,
0:41:34 > 0:41:36- just see if it is noticeably pure. - All right.
0:41:36 > 0:41:37Hm.
0:41:38 > 0:41:40ALAN BURPS
0:41:40 > 0:41:41LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:41:41 > 0:41:43- SUE:- Oh, my kidneys!
0:41:43 > 0:41:44LAUGHTER
0:41:44 > 0:41:47- It's good.- I've messed up on this. - You can, yeah.
0:41:47 > 0:41:50I would say it does taste like water, but a little bit more boring.
0:41:50 > 0:41:54- LAUGHTER It's brilliant. - Maybe I'm just imposing that on it.
0:41:54 > 0:41:57- No, you might be...- It's not got that chlorine high note, has it?
0:41:57 > 0:42:00I don't expect a party in my mouth
0:42:00 > 0:42:02- with water, but... - LAUGHTER
0:42:02 > 0:42:05..that was like a party in my mouth but with a statistical provocateur.
0:42:05 > 0:42:07LAUGHTER
0:42:07 > 0:42:09Well, I've got treated sewage in this -
0:42:09 > 0:42:13and I wouldn't ask you to cos you might not want to but I'm going to have a...
0:42:13 > 0:42:15Oh, Jeez. LAUGHTER
0:42:15 > 0:42:16Does it pong?
0:42:19 > 0:42:21It's shitty but it's pissy as well.
0:42:21 > 0:42:23LAUGHTER
0:42:23 > 0:42:25Oh, you've put me right off.
0:42:27 > 0:42:29"That's lovely!"
0:42:29 > 0:42:32It's tap water. We couldn't get any treated sewage - we asked for it,
0:42:32 > 0:42:35I said I was up for drinking it but that's just tap water.
0:42:35 > 0:42:39- So it's only been through... nine people. - LAUGHTER
0:42:39 > 0:42:44So, drinking pure water can kill you. You're much better off draining a glass of processed sewage.
0:42:44 > 0:42:46Good health to you all.
0:42:46 > 0:42:50And all that's left now are the scores.
0:42:50 > 0:42:51Oh, my gracious goodness...
0:42:51 > 0:42:53- Crash!- ..heavenly me.
0:42:53 > 0:42:55In last place, I'm afraid...
0:42:55 > 0:42:57but she probably knows it,
0:42:57 > 0:43:00by the fact that I've used a feminine pronoun...
0:43:00 > 0:43:01LAUGHTER
0:43:01 > 0:43:05..it's Sue Perkins! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:43:06 > 0:43:07WHISTLING
0:43:10 > 0:43:12Fighting manfully into third place,
0:43:12 > 0:43:14Alan Davies!
0:43:14 > 0:43:17- APPLAUSE AND CHEERING - Thank you very much.
0:43:21 > 0:43:24In second place, a magnificent debut from Sami Shah!
0:43:24 > 0:43:26APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:43:30 > 0:43:33Which can only mean that our clear winner, with minus four,
0:43:33 > 0:43:36is David Mitchell! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:43:36 > 0:43:38JINGLE PLAYS
0:43:42 > 0:43:47And that's all from Sami, Sue, David, Alan and me.
0:43:47 > 0:43:50Goodnight. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING