0:00:23 > 0:00:28APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:33 > 0:00:37good evening, good evening, good evening and welcome to QI,
0:00:37 > 0:00:40where, tonight, we'll be taking in a magnificent miscellany
0:00:40 > 0:00:42of things beginning with M.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46Please welcome the mundivagant Rhod Gilbert.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49APPLAUSE
0:00:49 > 0:00:51The marmoraceous Noel Fielding.
0:00:51 > 0:00:55APPLAUSE
0:00:55 > 0:00:59A woman of great muliebrity, Cariad Lloyd.
0:00:59 > 0:01:03APPLAUSE
0:01:03 > 0:01:06And macerating in the corner, Alan Davies.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10APPLAUSE
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Their buzzers are... ALAN MUMBLES
0:01:14 > 0:01:17- What did you say?- I haven't understood any of the words so far.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Well, macerating, what do you think that means?
0:01:19 > 0:01:22I don't know. Something you would do in a garden, I'd have thought.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24- No, that's masturbating.- Oh, yes.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29You clearly have a much more private garden than I've got.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Macerating is steeping in liquid to thin out.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37You do it to grapes to make wine, you macerate.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41- Oh!- So what was mul... Multi... - Muliebrity?- Muliebrity.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44It means womanliness, wifely womanliness.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46- CARIAD:- Oh, nice(!)
0:01:46 > 0:01:47Oh, like "mujer" in Spanish.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50- Exactly.- Muller Yogurts.
0:01:52 > 0:01:53Women eat those.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56You are a linguist, aren't you? You studied languages, didn't you?
0:01:56 > 0:01:57Yeah, I did study language.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00It sounds like the word I gave you was rather appropriate,
0:02:00 > 0:02:03if you speak languages, because it sounds as though you're mundivagant,
0:02:03 > 0:02:05which is what I called you. One who wanders the world.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08- There you are, a world wanderer. - HIGH-PITCHED: That's you!
0:02:08 > 0:02:09Oh, that came out oddly.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14- And I think you were marmoraceous. - Marmoraceous?- Noel was marmoraceous.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18- Wow.- Sounds good.- Sounds like a delicious marmalade.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22- It's called that because a chicken one day laid an orange.- An orange?
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Yeah, and all the chicks said, "Look at the orange mama-laid."
0:02:25 > 0:02:28And that's how it got its name. ALAN GROANS
0:02:30 > 0:02:33- That was just dreadful. - QI will be replaced in the autumn.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Is it breasty?
0:02:38 > 0:02:42No, marmoreal is of marble and marmoraceous is marble-like.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43- Right.- Marble-like.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Marble isn't really a compliment, though, is it?
0:02:46 > 0:02:49- "Oh, I love that Noel Fielding, he's like marble."- I'm like a...
0:02:49 > 0:02:52- I'm like a bag of marbles. - "He's such a character!
0:02:52 > 0:02:55- "He's such a character, he is!" - What are you, a world wanderer?
0:02:55 > 0:02:58You're a womble and I was a marble.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Not sure I'm happy with that.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Womanly is surely a compliment for anybody?
0:03:03 > 0:03:05I'd be complimented with being called womanly.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07In fact, I often am because of my breasts.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11But on with the buzzers.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14They're, frankly, a miscellany of musical mischief.
0:03:14 > 0:03:15Cariad goes...
0:03:15 > 0:03:18DRUMROLL
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Noel goes... DRUMROLL
0:03:21 > 0:03:25SWING BEAT
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Rhod goes... DRUMROLL
0:03:28 > 0:03:34MUSIC: God Save The Queen
0:03:34 > 0:03:37And Alan goes... DRUMROLL
0:03:37 > 0:03:39GUILLOTINE BLADE SWOOSHES
0:03:39 > 0:03:42CHEERING
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Now, then, what was the matter
0:03:44 > 0:03:49with the Gilbert U-238 Atomic Energy children's chemistry set?
0:03:49 > 0:03:51LAUGHTER
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Did it have uranium in it or something?
0:03:53 > 0:03:56LAUGHTER It sure did.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58LAUGHTER
0:03:58 > 0:04:00- That's what...- Kids glowing green.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03That's what U-238 is. Yeah, absolutely.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05It contained uranium
0:04:05 > 0:04:08and other sources of alpha, beta and gamma radiation,
0:04:08 > 0:04:11including good, healthy polonium...
0:04:11 > 0:04:13LAUGHTER ..which was in there.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Yeah. And it included a Geiger counter
0:04:16 > 0:04:20and instructions on how to mine for uranium and...
0:04:20 > 0:04:22- LAUGHTER - Wow.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25This is the start of the Iranian weapons programme.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27- LAUGHTER Yes, exactly.- "We have the kit."
0:04:27 > 0:04:30The packaging said it was completely safe and harmless.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34It was sold in 1951, 1952, for 49.50,
0:04:34 > 0:04:37- which is about £300 now.- Whoa.
0:04:37 > 0:04:38- So, it was pricey.- It was.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41If you wanted your polonium even then, it'd cost you.
0:04:41 > 0:04:42And that's why they stopped making it.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Cos it was too expensive?
0:04:44 > 0:04:45Yeah, the margins were not good enough
0:04:45 > 0:04:47for them to make much of a profit on it.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49As you see, it says along the top,
0:04:49 > 0:04:51"Another Gilbert Hall of Science product" and the...
0:04:51 > 0:04:55- It also says exciting and safe. - That's right. Absolutely.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57I'm not sure those two things go together.
0:04:57 > 0:04:58LAUGHTER They don't, do they?
0:04:58 > 0:05:03My friend in science dared me to eat some iron filings and I did it.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05I got in a lot of trouble...
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Cos my teacher was a magnet. No, but...
0:05:10 > 0:05:12- I had to go...- Could you then draw a beard?
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Could you, like, move it around?
0:05:14 > 0:05:16I had to go and see the head science teacher and stand in front
0:05:16 > 0:05:19of the whole class and explain I'd eaten iron filings.
0:05:19 > 0:05:23And for about two years, I was the boy that ate iron filings.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25That's a Channel 4 documentary, isn't it?
0:05:25 > 0:05:27That's fantastic.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Was it uncomfortable when it came out?
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Well, we had to drink a weird solution
0:05:31 > 0:05:33and then I didn't notice when it came out.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Oh, did it dissolve them like acid or something?
0:05:35 > 0:05:39I was hoping that I would, you know, maybe have some sort of,
0:05:39 > 0:05:42you know, strontium turd come out.
0:05:44 > 0:05:48Well, the guy responsible was called Alfred Carlton Gilbert
0:05:48 > 0:05:51and he came up with a number of sets for children.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54I mean, there was a chemistry set which contained ammonium nitrate,
0:05:54 > 0:05:57which is the principle ingredient for fertiliser bombs.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00- LAUGHTER - He liked the good stuff, didn't he?
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Yeah, he liked, exactly, the good stuff.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06- Agent Orange. - LAUGHTER
0:06:06 > 0:06:08The first experiment in that kit
0:06:08 > 0:06:11was to make gunpowder. LAUGHTER
0:06:11 > 0:06:13He just didn't like children, did he?
0:06:13 > 0:06:15LAUGHTER His most famous invention
0:06:15 > 0:06:17is huge in America.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19It's the American equivalent of Meccano,
0:06:19 > 0:06:22- which is called Erector. - Erector set.- And there it is.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24LAUGHTER
0:06:24 > 0:06:29Are there giggles from our audience because it contains the word erect?
0:06:29 > 0:06:31LAUGHTER Well, there you are.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36They're still all smiling now. "Ooh, love that word."
0:06:36 > 0:06:37I just love the idea
0:06:37 > 0:06:39that you can make a Ferris wheel out of erections.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42LAUGHTER
0:06:42 > 0:06:45- It interconnects with any penis. - LAUGHTER
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Simple docking.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49GROANING Oh.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54LAUGHTER
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Sorry, Stephen. I was doing the Ferris wheel
0:06:56 > 0:06:57as if it were attached to my cock.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59- I'm so sorry.- Fair enough. LAUGHTER
0:06:59 > 0:07:02- I'm lowering the tone again. - I accept that.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05But it was all part of that time - 1950s -
0:07:05 > 0:07:08this incredible worship of the nuclear bomb.
0:07:08 > 0:07:12And it even got to the stage where you could get a cereal toy,
0:07:12 > 0:07:16which was an atomic bomb ring, celebrating The Lone Ranger series.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19There it is. There's the atomic bomb inside a ring
0:07:19 > 0:07:21and it contains polonium alpha,
0:07:21 > 0:07:24so it gives off brilliant flashes of light
0:07:24 > 0:07:26as part of nuclear disintegration,
0:07:26 > 0:07:28so that your little boy and your little girl
0:07:28 > 0:07:31each have one from the cereal packet and they flash.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34But it's weird that this was for The Lone Ranger,
0:07:34 > 0:07:36which you may remember was a Western set in the 19th century.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38- Yeah, it's a cowboy.- Yeah.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41But somehow, he had the atom bomb in what's a very complicated story.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44- LAUGHTER - He had an atomic bomb in his ring?
0:07:44 > 0:07:48- Yeah. - LAUGHTER
0:07:48 > 0:07:51Wait. Wait.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53That's one of my favourite ever sentences on this show.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56- LAUGHTER - And that's when he was running
0:07:56 > 0:07:58the Erector amusement park.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01- "I've got an A-bomb in my ring." - LAUGHTER
0:08:01 > 0:08:03You sounded like Jeremy Clarkson then.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06LAUGHTER
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Jeremy would love an A-bomb in his ring.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11A cowboy with an A-bomb in his ring.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14So, he's got an A-bomb in his ring and then decades later,
0:08:14 > 0:08:16James Bond comes along and all his watch does
0:08:16 > 0:08:19is fire a dart into a mouse or something, isn't it?
0:08:19 > 0:08:21- It gives you a dead leg. - I've basically got
0:08:21 > 0:08:23- The Lone Ranger's costume on tonight.- You have!
0:08:23 > 0:08:26- LAUGHTER - Have you got an A-bomb in your ring?
0:08:26 > 0:08:27I have, yeah.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29At the end of the show, I'll let that off...
0:08:29 > 0:08:31But this is rather...
0:08:31 > 0:08:32..like a small firework display.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34We'll all gather round to see the lights.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38This is not like, "Oh, we found this obscure present
0:08:38 > 0:08:40"in some cereal packs for a four-month period."
0:08:40 > 0:08:43- Over a million of these were made. - Really?- God.
0:08:43 > 0:08:44It was a big promotion.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47There was a boy as late as the '90s - '94 -
0:08:47 > 0:08:51who tried to construct a nuclear reactor
0:08:51 > 0:08:53in his mother's shed in his garden in Michigan.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55He was the Nuclear Boy Scout.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58There are his badges, including, top left,
0:08:58 > 0:09:00he's holding up the nuclear badge.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02- I didn't know Scouts had one, but they seem to.- Wow.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04He can't even fix a blind.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07LAUGHTER
0:09:07 > 0:09:09They called him the Radioactive Boy Scout
0:09:09 > 0:09:12and when I said he was trying to construct a nuclear reactor,
0:09:12 > 0:09:15I mean it. He was trying to construct a nuclear reactor.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19His safety included wearing a lead poncho.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Where do you find a lead poncho?
0:09:21 > 0:09:23- LAUGHTER - Noel's got one. Noel's got one.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26- Yes, you have one. Yes! - You must have a lead poncho.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29You're the only person who would have a lead poncho.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32I keep it next to my strontium turd.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35- LAUGHTER - He's not going to make a nuclear...
0:09:35 > 0:09:38He's got an arrow to show which way up his top goes on.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40LAUGHTER There is that.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42And he threw away his clothes after each session
0:09:42 > 0:09:44that he was in his mother's shed.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46He was in the middle of purifying thorium
0:09:46 > 0:09:48- when he was rumbled by the authorities.- Wow.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51And his shed was found to be 1,000 times more radioactive
0:09:51 > 0:09:54than background radiation and was buried in the desert.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56LAUGHTER It was!
0:09:56 > 0:09:58How did they take his shed to the desert?
0:09:58 > 0:10:00- That's amazing. - Must have been a chopper.- Yeah.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03"We're going to have to take the birdbath as well. This is..."
0:10:03 > 0:10:05LAUGHTER
0:10:05 > 0:10:07"This washing line - that's right out, mate."
0:10:07 > 0:10:10"And the trellis. The trellis has got to go."
0:10:10 > 0:10:12- "Dad's barbecue - gone, mate. Gone." - LAUGHTER
0:10:12 > 0:10:16So, if you want to really light up your children's faces,
0:10:16 > 0:10:18you could get them a radioactive chemistry lab.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22Which place, beginning with M, holds the world's deadest parties?
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Milton Keynes.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26LAUGHTER Milton Keynes? Oh, dear.
0:10:26 > 0:10:30- Michael Gove's underpants. - LAUGHTER
0:10:30 > 0:10:32- Maidstone. - KLAXON
0:10:32 > 0:10:35Oh! How amazing.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37You got Maidstone. Thank you for that.
0:10:37 > 0:10:41Well, no, it's an island - one of the largest islands on Earth.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43- Oh, erm...- Madagascar. - Madagascar.- Madagascar.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45The Malagasy people. The Malgache people.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48Yeah, every few years, they dig up their ancestors
0:10:48 > 0:10:51and have a party and dance with them over their heads.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53LAUGHTER Yeah, I know.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55- Not as weird as a radioactive chemistry kit.- No, it isn't.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57They dig them up.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59- They dress them in silk... - "Hello, Grandad!"
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Dress them in silk scarves. Yeah.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04- It's what we do in Camden. - LAUGHTER
0:11:04 > 0:11:06They also spray their ancestors' bodies with perfume,
0:11:06 > 0:11:09perhaps understandably... LAUGHTER
0:11:09 > 0:11:11..and they bathe them in sparkling wine.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15After the dance, the corpses are placed on the ground like that.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17See, there are the corpses in winding sheets and so on.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20- Oh, too weird. Too weird.- Yeah. And the elders tell their children
0:11:20 > 0:11:22about the significance of their relatives.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25But they also tell the dead ancestors
0:11:25 > 0:11:29about the children that have been born since the ancestors died.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32So, they have a sort of two-way communication, as it were,
0:11:32 > 0:11:33about their families.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35They should have booked a bigger hall.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Yeah. Well, yes, it's full and bouncy.
0:11:37 > 0:11:38It's amazing. That's amazing.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41We don't talk about death enough, just to bring up in a comedy show.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44I am NOT getting my grandma out...
0:11:44 > 0:11:47- LAUGHTER - ..in a potato sack.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49- RHOD:- I know what you mean.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51- We hide away from it here. - I'm with you, Cariad.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54- We don't talk about it at all. - Other cultures are much more open.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56I don't. I'm a Goth. I'm all over it.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58- LAUGHTER - I sleep in a coffin.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01No, you're right, we do.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03We don't like to talk about it, but they celebrate it.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05They do. It's rather wonderful.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07- Do they drink at the party? - You must have to.- I think so.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Do they sometimes get home and think, "Oh, shit,
0:12:10 > 0:12:12"I've left Grandma somewhere"?
0:12:12 > 0:12:15- LAUGHTER - On the bus!
0:12:15 > 0:12:18LAUGHTER
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Supposedly, they do it because they've had a dream
0:12:20 > 0:12:22in which an ancestor's visited them
0:12:22 > 0:12:24and told them they're cold in their grave
0:12:24 > 0:12:26and that they want to come up.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28This ceremony, it's called a Famadihana,
0:12:28 > 0:12:33and the whole taboo and folklore system of Madagascar is called fady
0:12:33 > 0:12:34and it's very strong.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36It's much stronger than it is in many other countries
0:12:36 > 0:12:39and despite all the pressures on Madagascar,
0:12:39 > 0:12:41as they are on all countries. It seems a bit grim,
0:12:41 > 0:12:43- but I think it's fine. - Quite nice, I think.- I like it.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Two things they're known for - that and square guitars.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48LAUGHTER Yes. Yeah, it does.
0:12:48 > 0:12:49Well, there you are.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Now, from morbidity to meals.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55How could you get out of prison using nothing but a decent lunch?
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Visit the... You know, you get a last meal, don't you,
0:12:58 > 0:13:00- if you're going to get the electric chair?- Yeah.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04Is it, they do a competition, if you name the right meal, you get...
0:13:05 > 0:13:08If it's vegetarian lasagne, you're free.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11No.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13If someone said lasagne and they were like,
0:13:13 > 0:13:16"Are you sure you want BEEF lasagne? Not vegetarian?"
0:13:16 > 0:13:20- The prisoner doesn't have the lunch. - Oh, the governor has a good lunch.
0:13:20 > 0:13:21It's not the governor.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23And he just feels like, "Oh, let them all go, I feel great!"
0:13:23 > 0:13:25It's not someone inside the prison,
0:13:25 > 0:13:28it's someone who might have the power to get you out of prison.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30- A magistrate type...- Yeah, the parole board.- Mao Tse-tung!
0:13:30 > 0:13:34- It's the parole board.- Oh.- Not Mao Tse-tung! That was a wild guess.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Wouldn't that have been amazing if you'd been right?
0:13:36 > 0:13:40That's some judges. But this is actually...
0:13:40 > 0:13:43- The experiment was done... - They're so pleased with themselves.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48"Your hair looks ridiculous." "I know!"
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Same hairdresser.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54They're actually meeting up to say, "Listen, Bill's a good hairdresser,
0:13:54 > 0:13:58"but he can only really do the spaniel way, we've got to get someone else."
0:13:59 > 0:14:03It was a study that was done on the Israeli parole board, actually.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05At the start of each day,
0:14:05 > 0:14:09judges granted about two thirds of applications for parole.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12As time went on, they approved fewer and fewer and fewer,
0:14:12 > 0:14:16until just before lunch, they approved virtually none.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Then they had lunch and then they were incredibly generous again
0:14:19 > 0:14:21- and gave everybody parole.- Wow!
0:14:21 > 0:14:24So the process was in fact completely impartial, it was nothing to do
0:14:24 > 0:14:27with the ethnicity or even the severity of the crime.
0:14:27 > 0:14:31It just seemed to be generally repeated day after day after day,
0:14:31 > 0:14:34it was to do with how hungry they were, yeah.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36- CARIAD:- I can understand that.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39So if you're in court, what should you do, then? What's the best...
0:14:39 > 0:14:42You would do all in your power for your case to be heard after lunch,
0:14:42 > 0:14:43- straight after.- After lunch.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46- So if I say I can't make it in the morning, for example...- Yeah.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48- But if you're in prison...- I'd have thought it'd be the opposite.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51When you're coming to lunch, you're just getting hungry,
0:14:51 > 0:14:54"Let them off, let them off, quick, let's just get the lunch."
0:14:54 > 0:14:56But you're grumpy, aren't you? So you're more like, "Oh, no."
0:14:56 > 0:14:59"Execution, execution, execution!
0:14:59 > 0:15:02"When are those fish fingers getting here? Execution!"
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Maybe they should just have snacks...
0:15:05 > 0:15:08you know, little bowls of nuts. Just keep them going.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10- Yeah, that would do it. - Some pretzels.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Probably not a good sign if you're in the dock
0:15:12 > 0:15:14and then someone's looking at the menu.
0:15:14 > 0:15:15"Yeah, what is it?
0:15:15 > 0:15:19"I'll have the banoffee. Yeah, yeah, get rid of this guy."
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Just take a Kit Kat with you and say, "Before you sentence me,
0:15:22 > 0:15:24"would you like a Kit Kat?"
0:15:25 > 0:15:26"You can go!"
0:15:28 > 0:15:30- Well, one of the really annoying... - "I feel marvellous!"
0:15:30 > 0:15:33It's annoying for someone like me, not for any of you,
0:15:33 > 0:15:39is that willpower, it seems, is driven by glucose,
0:15:39 > 0:15:41that your willpower is stronger
0:15:41 > 0:15:45if your blood sugar is registering good levels of glucose.
0:15:45 > 0:15:49So if, like me, you're fighting constantly not to be a fat bastard...
0:15:51 > 0:15:54..then you need the willpower not to eat.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57- But you get the willpower by eating lots of sugar.- Oh, my God.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01So you're in a terrible catch-22. It's like, "Oh, I can't, oh, no.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04"Tell you what, I'll have lots of sugar, then I'll be able
0:16:04 > 0:16:07"to not eat... Oh! That doesn't work."
0:16:07 > 0:16:10It is easier to not eat a cake after you've eaten a cake.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18"I'm not eating any more cakes! That's it for me!"
0:16:18 > 0:16:21- Oh, dear. - I'm like that with drinking.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25"This is definitely my last time."
0:16:25 > 0:16:28The trouble is, plates are too big.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31If plates were smaller, people would eat less.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33And when you fill them up, you're too full.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35So you should just have smaller plates.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37- But then you should make everything smaller.- We should try that.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40- The Alan Davies small plate diet. - Smaller plates.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Small plates, but keep them in the distance.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Long spoons and binoculars!
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Takes so long, you get bored.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54I'm just going to eat one of those tiny Brussels sprouts.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56All right, so.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Now for a serious medical malady.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Show me the symptoms of bicycle face.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06- Bicycle face?- Mm-hm. LAUGHTER
0:17:06 > 0:17:09- That's with goggles. - No, these are wheels.- Oh, they're...
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Oh, I see. Sorry. Of course they're wheels!
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Is bicycle...? What is bicycle face?
0:17:13 > 0:17:15When you get sucked off by your Grifter?
0:17:15 > 0:17:17LAUGHTER Wow!
0:17:17 > 0:17:20- LAUGHTER - Sorry. I'd better go.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22No, that's the right answer!
0:17:22 > 0:17:24That's what I've got written on the card.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26LAUGHTER That's amazing!
0:17:26 > 0:17:29On my card in THIS universe, on the other hand...
0:17:29 > 0:17:32LAUGHTER ..I've got something else.
0:17:32 > 0:17:36The Literary Digest, in 1895, warned women cyclists...
0:17:36 > 0:17:39- I don't know why I'm looking at you. - I'm a woman.- You are.- That's OK.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41You've identified me as a woman.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43- It's going to get worse, I'm afraid. - OK.- This thing is.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45"Overexertion, the upright position on the wheel
0:17:45 > 0:17:48"and the unconscious effort to maintain one's balance
0:17:48 > 0:17:51"produces a wearied and exhausted bicycle face.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54- "The main symptoms..." - No-one will marry you!- Yes.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58"The main symptoms are a hard, clenched jaw and bulging eyes..."
0:17:58 > 0:18:01- I wasn't sure where you were going to stop at.- Yeah, quite.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03"..as well as being flushed or pale."
0:18:03 > 0:18:04- Either of those.- I...- Yeah.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07And, "Wearing a haggard, anxious expression."
0:18:07 > 0:18:10- That's just the fear of patriarchy. - LAUGHTER
0:18:10 > 0:18:12- "I'm under so much pressure." - Well, there was a worry.
0:18:12 > 0:18:13Some doctors said that,
0:18:13 > 0:18:15"Cycling would irritate the pelvic organs
0:18:15 > 0:18:18"and stimulate women to disturbing lusts."
0:18:18 > 0:18:21- LAUGHTER - If you can't get it at home,
0:18:21 > 0:18:24- you get it on a bike, right, ladies?- Yeah.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Get your stimulated pelvic organs.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Well, there's a downside, according to a French expert...
0:18:29 > 0:18:32- Of course.- ..who said, "It would ruin the female organs
0:18:32 > 0:18:34"of matrimonial necessity."
0:18:34 > 0:18:36LAUGHTER
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Now, Cariad, tell me, your organs of matrimonial necessity...
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Excuse me? What are you asking me?
0:18:41 > 0:18:44I'm just hoping that they haven't been ruined by bicycling.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47"Hello, Wembley! We're the Female Organs Of Natural Necessity."
0:18:47 > 0:18:49- It's funny cos the clitoris... - HE INHALES SHARPLY
0:18:49 > 0:18:51LAUGHTER
0:18:51 > 0:18:53- La-la-la, la-la-la. - Shall we draw a picture?
0:18:53 > 0:18:56LAUGHTER She said it! She said it!
0:18:56 > 0:18:59She said it! SHE IMITATES ALARM
0:18:59 > 0:19:01I've drawn a rainbow, everyone.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03- It's all right. - LAUGHTER
0:19:03 > 0:19:06Where's Sue Perkins when you need her?
0:19:06 > 0:19:09The clitoris is actually a very large organ...
0:19:09 > 0:19:11- Shush, Cariad! - LAUGHTER
0:19:11 > 0:19:13And it's just literally the tip of an iceberg.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15When you say, "LITERALLY the tip of an iceberg..."?
0:19:15 > 0:19:17- Yeah.- I knew I was looking for it in the wrong place.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20LAUGHTER
0:19:20 > 0:19:23- There was an artist in New York... - In the Arctic Ocean.
0:19:23 > 0:19:24Yeah. An artist in New York.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27She made, like, this - obviously not to scale - clitoris
0:19:27 > 0:19:30and she got women to ride on it, but it literally...it's huge.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32It's, like, there's this bit
0:19:32 > 0:19:35and then there's these two other huge bits that are in the body.
0:19:35 > 0:19:36- I was looking behind you.- Yeah.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39- LAUGHTER - Behind just here.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42- Wow.- It's giant. It's way bigger... - But you have two, don't you?
0:19:42 > 0:19:43It's one under each arm, yes?
0:19:43 > 0:19:46LAUGHTER Have I got this wrong?
0:19:46 > 0:19:48- Alan, help me out.- It's OK.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51- I didn't bring mine with me today. - LAUGHTER
0:19:51 > 0:19:53So, to say it damages the vital organs is...
0:19:53 > 0:19:55So, how much more of it is there, then? Going...?
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Oh, my God. Guys, do we have to, like...?
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Is this the bit where I tell you about...explain it to you?
0:20:00 > 0:20:02A woman at some point in your life
0:20:02 > 0:20:04should have explained this to you, but perhaps...
0:20:04 > 0:20:06I've never seen such fear in all your faces.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08LAUGHTER
0:20:08 > 0:20:11Do you think people will believe it if I say that my penis
0:20:11 > 0:20:13- is only the tip of the iceberg? - LAUGHTER
0:20:13 > 0:20:15There's a lot more under the surface
0:20:15 > 0:20:17- you haven't seen. - LAUGHTER
0:20:17 > 0:20:18There's a huge nerve ending
0:20:18 > 0:20:20coming out right out of the top of my head.
0:20:20 > 0:20:21LAUGHTER
0:20:21 > 0:20:24Well, whatever it may or may not do to the organs of female
0:20:24 > 0:20:29matrimonial necessity, bicycling did cause a lot of men to get
0:20:29 > 0:20:32rather angry and concerned about the fact that women were doing it.
0:20:32 > 0:20:33Do you know for what reason?
0:20:33 > 0:20:36- Cos they were afraid. They were allowed to move.- Exactly.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40If they move, what else are they going to do? Vote? Think?
0:20:40 > 0:20:45Be allowed on panel shows? No, we've got to stop it! That's dangerous.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47There's a man coming home early from work
0:20:47 > 0:20:49and the wife's in bed with a bicycle.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54She's got five gears!
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Well, early bikes were designed, some of them, for women to ride...
0:20:59 > 0:21:00Side saddle.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04Yes, because the idea of women being astride was considered rude.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Also, the amount of skirts they had must have made it quite
0:21:06 > 0:21:10- hard to literally get on a bike.- How the heck do you pedal side saddle?
0:21:10 > 0:21:13- The pedals were all at one side, were they?- Yeah, I guess.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16She's got a woman underneath that skirt pedalling for her.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22Some poor cockney woman going, "I'll do it, I'll do it.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24"It's an 'ard job, ma'am, but it's worth it."
0:21:25 > 0:21:28Anyway, bicycle face was a medical condition
0:21:28 > 0:21:31that would apparently only affect lady cyclists.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Now for a bit of mid-show magic.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Would you like to learn the mysteries of the Magnus effect?
0:21:36 > 0:21:40- Yes, is the answer, yes, you would. Thank you.- Yes, I would.
0:21:40 > 0:21:44What is the Magnus effect? Well, it's about spin.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47It's about how spin... This could work very badly.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49I'm not good at this. Oh, there we are.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52Watch out for your organs of matrimonial necessity.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58LAUGHTER
0:21:58 > 0:22:00- Like that?- Yeah, that's it. - No, that's not it.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03- That'll go into my face. - That's going to hit you, yeah.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05- Like that?- Yeah.
0:22:05 > 0:22:09OK, so, the idea is that this should spin and then...
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Whoo!
0:22:11 > 0:22:14APPLAUSE
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Why don't you have a try?
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Behind you I'll show you an effect of it on a football,
0:22:21 > 0:22:25which you may be familiar with - taking a corner like this.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28You'll see the classic bend, which we're all familiar with now.
0:22:28 > 0:22:32David Beckham, of course, a master of it. And it's the same principle.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34We couldn't afford to have a moving image of him.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Yeah, it's all about the pressure of the air building up
0:22:38 > 0:22:42on the opposite sides of the spin and pushing the ball.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44- Cariad's ready.- OK.
0:22:47 > 0:22:51- Oh, well guessed, though! Fine. - It was more of a propel.- Yep.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54APPLAUSE
0:22:54 > 0:22:57- Rhod?- I can... - Come on, Rhod. Oh, that was good.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00APPLAUSE
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Alan's got a bicycle-faced look.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05LAUGHTER
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Yeah, that was not bad.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09APPLAUSE
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Noel, go on, show them how it's done.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Oh, yes! That's the effect.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:23:17 > 0:23:19That's the effect there, Noel, what you did there.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22You see, it went up like that. It was the pressure,
0:23:22 > 0:23:25because the spin creates that and the air pushes it up.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27- That's how I'm getting home tonight. - Yeah?
0:23:27 > 0:23:29So, I'll show you another version of it
0:23:29 > 0:23:33using those two cups stuck together.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36Excellent. You see, it jumps up like that and then goes down.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39- Noel's was pretty good. - There you are. Well done.
0:23:39 > 0:23:43Now, how would this bird make an offer you couldn't refuse?
0:23:43 > 0:23:47LAUGHTER
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Oh, yeah, that bird. He does your tax returns.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52LAUGHTER
0:23:52 > 0:23:55It's called a brown-headed cowbird, rather unimaginatively.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57It's got a brown head and it's on a cow.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00I just don't want to know how it got the brown head.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03I don't want to think about how it got the brown head.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Oh, stop it! LAUGHTER
0:24:06 > 0:24:09"That's as far as I can go!" "All right, stop there."
0:24:09 > 0:24:12"Now flap. Now flap your wings!" "I can't!"
0:24:12 > 0:24:14LAUGHTER
0:24:14 > 0:24:17You haven't seen the cow's legs. They're blue.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19And we have to forget the cow in this instance,
0:24:19 > 0:24:21other than the fact that it's in its name.
0:24:21 > 0:24:25It is a parasitic bird, in a sense. A brood parasite.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Do you know what a brood parasite might be?
0:24:27 > 0:24:30- What's a brood? - A family of parasites.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33- If you're broody. - You want to have more parasites.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35You want to have... LAUGHTER
0:24:35 > 0:24:38The type of parasite it is is a brood parasite.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40That's to say it's parasitic in the way
0:24:40 > 0:24:43- that it occupies a host's birthing place.- Womb.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46Not womb in this case cos they don't have wombs, do they, birds?
0:24:46 > 0:24:49- Oh, I thought it was in the cow. - Oh, no, no. It's the bird.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51- It's the bird that's the parasite. - Oh, OK.- It's a brood parasite.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53It lays its eggs in someone else's nest.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55I'd love if it was the cow that was the parasite!
0:24:55 > 0:24:59LAUGHTER Living off the bird.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01That would be such a flaw for a parasite -
0:25:01 > 0:25:03to have to wait for the bird to land on you.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05LAUGHTER
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Running around getting underneath birds.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09LAUGHTER
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Painting an H on your own back.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16- Well, that's... - Put a nest on your back.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18With a vacant sign.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20LAUGHTER
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Yeah, it's a brood parasite, it lays its egg like that.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25- As does, more famously, our...? - Cuckoo.- Cuckoo.- Cuckoo, yes.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Cuckoo's the Great British brood parasite.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29That nest wasn't on the back of that cow, was it?
0:25:29 > 0:25:31No. I did say, "Forget the cow,"
0:25:31 > 0:25:33but I knew that wasn't going to be a helpful remark.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35- I couldn't forget the cow, Stephen. - Yeah, well...
0:25:35 > 0:25:37It's a question of why the birds put up with it.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40Why does the one that lays the blue eggs in this instance
0:25:40 > 0:25:41allow that to happen?
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Why doesn't it just get rid of the egg?
0:25:43 > 0:25:46- Is it...? - The answer is it does...once.
0:25:46 > 0:25:50If it tries it, a bird that's laid that egg will come back
0:25:50 > 0:25:53and absolutely destroy the nest and everything in it.
0:25:53 > 0:25:58And the mother bird learns this and next time it builds...
0:25:58 > 0:26:02laboriously builds a new nest, laboriously lays her own eggs...
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Next time a brown-headed cowbird comes along to lay their egg
0:26:05 > 0:26:08they go, "Yeah, you can have it, I'll look after it, it's no problem."
0:26:08 > 0:26:11- It's basically a protection racket. They're gangster birds.- Oh, my God.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14- Hence the phrase, "Make you an offer you can't refuse."- Ohh.
0:26:14 > 0:26:15But it works.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18So which one...was it the one with the blue eggs or the other one?
0:26:18 > 0:26:20The blue eggs is like the nice guy who runs the Italian delicatessen
0:26:20 > 0:26:23- for his family all these years. - Exactly, that's it.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25And then the other egg is the guy who comes round going,
0:26:25 > 0:26:28"You're going to look after my egg, otherwise I'll come round..."
0:26:28 > 0:26:31- Or, "You'll find a job for my boy, you'll find him a job."- Yeah.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33"You see this egg? You know what I'm going to do to this egg
0:26:33 > 0:26:35"if you don't look after the other egg?"
0:26:35 > 0:26:38And then he sma...and then he throws it out.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Eventually, cos it's evolution, they'll start spraying
0:26:40 > 0:26:44- their own blue egg that brown colour.- Yes.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46"Hey, someone's already done me. Leave it."
0:26:46 > 0:26:48You're right, that's quite likely, isn't it?
0:26:48 > 0:26:51Why haven't they evolved just to lay enough eggs so there's no gap?
0:26:51 > 0:26:54- LAUGHTER - Oh, yeah.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56That's what I'd do.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02Good point. You'd think they would, wouldn't you?
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Stop leaving a gap!
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Anyway, that's brown-headed cowbirds.
0:27:06 > 0:27:11Now, what starts with M and nearly destroyed the world
0:27:11 > 0:27:14470 million years ago?
0:27:14 > 0:27:15Magneto.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21You try... I can feel us being led by this image...
0:27:21 > 0:27:23- Yes.- ..in a direction.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25You're right, I'm going to warn you, I'm in a good mood,
0:27:25 > 0:27:27do not say meteor or meteorite, or meteoroid.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30- Don't say either of those.- It looks like the logo for MasterChef.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Which is branding a pterodactyl. But...
0:27:34 > 0:27:37- A m-earthquake. - A m-earthquake.
0:27:37 > 0:27:41That's what we hope happens here every week.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Is it mitochondria? Is it something like bacterial...
0:27:44 > 0:27:47Well, it's a life form, you're absolutely right.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49It's a life form that destroyed all other life forms,
0:27:49 > 0:27:50virtually, on Earth.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53It was the Ordovician-Silurian extinction event.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56- But it begins with M, this particular life form.- Mouse.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59- It got rid of all the oxygen... Sorry?- Mouse.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02It wasn't a mouse. You've got the right consonants.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05Consonants. All right. M...m...m...
0:28:05 > 0:28:07- ..m...- Muh and a suh.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10Muh and a suh. It's wonderful how he's coming on, isn't it?
0:28:10 > 0:28:12LAUGHTER
0:28:16 > 0:28:19- It's moss.- Moss!- Moss! - Yes, moss is the answer.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21- How boring.- Wow. - Yeah, hard to believe. Moss.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23It was like a phage, it ate away at rocks...
0:28:23 > 0:28:25- Right.- ..even altering them chemically.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27Hey, Cariad, there's an iceberg like your clitoris.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30- LAUGHTER - You're learning!
0:28:30 > 0:28:31I mean this, Alan, you can get more...
0:28:31 > 0:28:33If you've just joined the show...
0:28:33 > 0:28:35I can usually predict almost everything
0:28:35 > 0:28:37that's going to be said on this show,
0:28:37 > 0:28:41but "There's an iceberg like your clitoris" is a new one for me.
0:28:42 > 0:28:44That's exactly what I was talking about.
0:28:44 > 0:28:45Don't just work with what you see.
0:28:45 > 0:28:47You've got to work with more underneath it.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49- Not moss on it, is there? - Yes, mate.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51Keep the moss on, what's wrong with you?
0:28:51 > 0:28:52You don't want to look like a child.
0:28:52 > 0:28:54LAUGHTER
0:28:54 > 0:28:57Wear your moss and be proud, ladies.
0:28:57 > 0:29:01Interestingly, you only get moss on the north side of a lady.
0:29:01 > 0:29:03LAUGHTER
0:29:03 > 0:29:06- That seems fair.- Oh, Lord.
0:29:06 > 0:29:09It depends how long she's been at the bus stop.
0:29:09 > 0:29:12There's types of moss that destroy other types of moss,
0:29:12 > 0:29:15but it takes, like, sort of, you know, hundreds of years.
0:29:15 > 0:29:17- Yeah. - But if you were to watch it,
0:29:17 > 0:29:19you would see what is essentially a horrible war...
0:29:19 > 0:29:22There's moss that destroys itself, like Kate Moss.
0:29:22 > 0:29:25LAUGHTER But...
0:29:25 > 0:29:26Now...
0:29:26 > 0:29:27Yeah.
0:29:29 > 0:29:32Well, this moss used to eat the rocks and it would create
0:29:32 > 0:29:34a chemical reaction with phosphorus, reacted with CO2,
0:29:34 > 0:29:36sucked it from the atmosphere.
0:29:36 > 0:29:38So it was a whole series of these reactions.
0:29:38 > 0:29:40And that used up almost all the oxygen,
0:29:40 > 0:29:42destroying life forms everywhere.
0:29:42 > 0:29:45It took about 35 million years for this process to work
0:29:45 > 0:29:48and it was 470 million years ago.
0:29:48 > 0:29:51- We should keep an eye on moss now, in case it ever...- We should, yeah.
0:29:51 > 0:29:53..gets an idea again to take over.
0:29:53 > 0:29:55I've always had my suspicions about moss.
0:29:55 > 0:29:56Have you?
0:29:58 > 0:30:00Bitchin' about lichen.
0:30:00 > 0:30:03LAUGHTER
0:30:03 > 0:30:06APPLAUSE
0:30:06 > 0:30:08There's the nasty moss that destroyed everything a long,
0:30:08 > 0:30:12long time ago, but there's... How many species, do you think, of moss?
0:30:12 > 0:30:14- 200.- Two.- Two? Right, OK. 200?
0:30:14 > 0:30:17- It's, like, thousands, isn't it? - I'm going to give you the points.
0:30:17 > 0:30:21There's 14,000, and the rarest form of moss in the world -
0:30:21 > 0:30:24extremely rare - and it's in Britain.
0:30:24 > 0:30:26It's in Derbyshire.
0:30:26 > 0:30:27And it's feather moss.
0:30:27 > 0:30:30And it's so rare, Derbyshire feather moss, that there's only
0:30:30 > 0:30:34a single yard of it in a stretch of river in the Peak District.
0:30:34 > 0:30:38- What, there's one yard? In the world or...?- In the whole world.
0:30:38 > 0:30:41There's one species. And its location is secret.
0:30:41 > 0:30:43Have they at least put a little fence round it?
0:30:43 > 0:30:44The location is secret.
0:30:44 > 0:30:47How well guarded it is I don't know, somebody crosses the river...
0:30:47 > 0:30:50They don't want to leave that to chance. They should put
0:30:50 > 0:30:53one of the yellow things they have in the supermarket up.
0:30:53 > 0:30:58- What if somebody stands on that? - I know, it's amazing, isn't it?
0:30:58 > 0:31:01Absolutely incredible. There you are. Good old Derbyshire.
0:31:01 > 0:31:03Now, from moss to moths.
0:31:03 > 0:31:06Why would you want to blow up a moth's penis?
0:31:07 > 0:31:09Really the question should be why wouldn't you?
0:31:10 > 0:31:12You've run out of balloons at a kids' children's party.
0:31:14 > 0:31:16- Blow it up like destroy it, or... - Inflate it.
0:31:16 > 0:31:18- Inflate it, yeah. - ..like, with a foot pump?
0:31:18 > 0:31:20- Using...- Flotation device.
0:31:20 > 0:31:24It takes a certain kind of person to invent something
0:31:24 > 0:31:26to increase the size of a moth's penis...
0:31:26 > 0:31:28- It does.- It certainly does. - It really does.
0:31:28 > 0:31:30It takes an Australian.
0:31:31 > 0:31:34And it takes a device that they've invented called...
0:31:34 > 0:31:36- "Get your lips round that, fella." - Yeah.
0:31:36 > 0:31:38LAUGHTER And it's called...
0:31:38 > 0:31:41"We're going to have to float downstream or we'll die."
0:31:42 > 0:31:45And it's called the phalloblaster.
0:31:46 > 0:31:51The phalloblaster is what pumps up the penis of a moth...
0:31:51 > 0:31:52Come here, little fella,
0:31:52 > 0:31:55I'm just going to increase the size of your penis.
0:31:55 > 0:31:56Shouldn't hurt.
0:31:56 > 0:31:58Did we...did we answer the why...
0:31:58 > 0:32:00- Why would we?- Yeah, why? Why?
0:32:00 > 0:32:02I love the idea that they blow up the penis,
0:32:02 > 0:32:05- then let it go and it goes... - HE MIMES DEFLATING BALLOON
0:32:05 > 0:32:07LAUGHTER Well, what it is...
0:32:07 > 0:32:10And the moths go, "Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!"
0:32:10 > 0:32:14There are a lot of species of insect that are impossible to determine
0:32:14 > 0:32:18the actual species except by an inspection of the genitalia.
0:32:18 > 0:32:20- Right.- Oh, really?- Yeah.
0:32:20 > 0:32:23Oh, some doctor said, "It's the only way I could find out
0:32:23 > 0:32:27"if it was a man, so I blew it and now I know."
0:32:27 > 0:32:29They used to use...
0:32:29 > 0:32:33"Because otherwise I wasn't sure. Leave me alone, Mary..."
0:32:34 > 0:32:37I thought moths were just butterflies from the '70s.
0:32:37 > 0:32:41LAUGHTER
0:32:41 > 0:32:42Ah-ha.
0:32:42 > 0:32:45So, forward, the phalloblaster.
0:32:45 > 0:32:47It uses a stream of pressurised alcohol
0:32:47 > 0:32:50to fill and inflate the insect's penis.
0:32:50 > 0:32:54And if anyone knows about pressurised alcohol, it's an Australian.
0:32:56 > 0:32:57I don't think that's a...
0:32:57 > 0:33:00"Can we have two streams of pressurised alcohol, please?"
0:33:00 > 0:33:03That's not a scientific experiment, that's an Australian stag do.
0:33:03 > 0:33:04It basically is.
0:33:04 > 0:33:07When the alcohol evaporates, you see, it hardens the tissue
0:33:07 > 0:33:12and then you're left with one much larger, hardened organ that...
0:33:12 > 0:33:15This is the sort of thing you should put in a kit for a teenage boy.
0:33:15 > 0:33:17Yeah.
0:33:17 > 0:33:19How do they do this? Because the thing is...
0:33:19 > 0:33:20Have we come on to the why yet, as well?
0:33:20 > 0:33:23Do they hold the moth and then do it?
0:33:23 > 0:33:25Because you know when you hold moths, the gold stuff
0:33:25 > 0:33:27comes off their wings and they can't fly any more
0:33:27 > 0:33:29and they have to walk home.
0:33:30 > 0:33:33It explains why they're always trying to get to the moon, no?
0:33:33 > 0:33:34Bloody hell. I'd be out of here, as well.
0:33:34 > 0:33:37They've been told there's spare penises up there...
0:33:37 > 0:33:39"I've had enough of this, I'm off."
0:33:39 > 0:33:44When you said, "I'm off," it sounded like "I...moth."
0:33:44 > 0:33:47- Like I... - Like a very thoughtful moth.
0:33:47 > 0:33:51- Yeah.- I moth.- I moth. - Do take thee, other moth.
0:33:52 > 0:33:55- I thought he was just talking Welsh. I-moth.- I-moth.
0:33:55 > 0:33:58I-moth. Well, it's cowin' lush, either way. So, um...
0:33:58 > 0:34:00LAUGHTER
0:34:00 > 0:34:02See, I speak Welsh.
0:34:03 > 0:34:05Now, this man invented toilet vinegar.
0:34:05 > 0:34:08What other bright ideas did he have?
0:34:08 > 0:34:10Waterproof fish and chips?
0:34:10 > 0:34:12LAUGHTER
0:34:13 > 0:34:15- NOEL:- The triple beard. - Yes.
0:34:20 > 0:34:23- Is it Thomas Edison? - It's not Thomas Edison.
0:34:23 > 0:34:25- With the light bulb.- No... - Bright idea, you see.
0:34:25 > 0:34:29You're right, very clever, that was brilliant. Smarter than we've been.
0:34:29 > 0:34:32- Is it Jack Torch, inventor of the torch?- No.
0:34:32 > 0:34:34Is toilet vinegar something to do with cleaning?
0:34:34 > 0:34:36It's toilet vinegar in the sense of toilet water.
0:34:36 > 0:34:38- It's supposed to be...- Oh, yeah.
0:34:38 > 0:34:39But, in fact, it would work for cleaning.
0:34:39 > 0:34:42But if I told you his name, you might guess what he invented
0:34:42 > 0:34:44which is in a related field.
0:34:44 > 0:34:46His name was Rimmel.
0:34:46 > 0:34:47- Oh, did he invent...- Oh, make-up.
0:34:47 > 0:34:50- Particular kind?- The lipstick? - Lipstick.
0:34:50 > 0:34:52- Not the lipstick, no.- The blusher?
0:34:52 > 0:34:53- Not the blusher.- Mascara.
0:34:53 > 0:34:55- Yes.- Oh. - Absolutely right, mascara.- Yes.
0:34:55 > 0:34:57Why weren't things going off then?
0:34:57 > 0:34:59If I'd said things, it would all have gone off.
0:34:59 > 0:35:03LAUGHTER
0:35:03 > 0:35:05Finally you've worked out the pattern...
0:35:05 > 0:35:08If you start guessing things, it goes off!
0:35:08 > 0:35:10That's how it works.
0:35:11 > 0:35:13- It's just that fair. - Just cos she's a girl!
0:35:13 > 0:35:15Oh, no! Now then.
0:35:15 > 0:35:18Ahh, she's a girl who knew the right answer.
0:35:19 > 0:35:21Ahh, I can't believe it.
0:35:21 > 0:35:23There's an urban myth that mascara contains...?
0:35:23 > 0:35:26- Have you ever heard of this?- Dogs.
0:35:26 > 0:35:27It is made of dogs. The French don't care.
0:35:27 > 0:35:29You know what they're like. They're cruel.
0:35:29 > 0:35:33Some people think it's made of bat guano. Bat droppings.
0:35:33 > 0:35:36- Oh, my goodness.- Bat gua... - It's because it has guanine in it
0:35:36 > 0:35:38and guanine is made from fish scales.
0:35:38 > 0:35:40Robin, take that and make some mascara.
0:35:41 > 0:35:43He looks like...
0:35:44 > 0:35:46Please.
0:35:46 > 0:35:47Be proud of yourself.
0:35:47 > 0:35:49- Is bat guano poisonous?- Batman shit.
0:35:49 > 0:35:52LAUGHTER
0:35:52 > 0:35:54He was very much a perfume-y sort of person.
0:35:54 > 0:35:58In plays in the Victorian era, as the curtain went up,
0:35:58 > 0:36:00there would be a waft of perfume for each scene, different perfume,
0:36:00 > 0:36:05and he would be credited in the programme - "Perfume by Rimmel."
0:36:05 > 0:36:08Talking of inventors, you mentioned Edison,
0:36:08 > 0:36:11- but actually, John Logie Baird, who's best known for...?- Television.
0:36:11 > 0:36:15- His first invention, which you can guess what it might be...- The chair.
0:36:15 > 0:36:18- He didn't invent the chair. - Chair first, then the television.
0:36:18 > 0:36:21LAUGHTER
0:36:21 > 0:36:23It's a perfect suite of inventions.
0:36:23 > 0:36:27- The remote control, then the television.- TV listings.
0:36:27 > 0:36:28TV listings, no.
0:36:28 > 0:36:32- Anger. Jeremy Kyle, he invented Jeremy Kyle.- Anger?
0:36:32 > 0:36:34Television first and then anger.
0:36:34 > 0:36:36"It's all shit!"
0:36:36 > 0:36:40- It was actually nothing to do with television.- Toaster.- No.
0:36:40 > 0:36:41Was it the hairdryer?
0:36:41 > 0:36:46It was a pair of socks that went over the socks you already wore.
0:36:46 > 0:36:47I mean under, sorry, they went under.
0:36:47 > 0:36:49You've got your socks and then under them
0:36:49 > 0:36:52you've got these socks that are impregnated with
0:36:52 > 0:36:57borax to keep them dry, so that the borax absorbs the moisture.
0:36:57 > 0:36:59Why did they go under the other socks?
0:36:59 > 0:37:02Why didn't he just have those socks?
0:37:02 > 0:37:06Why would they love sockses...sockses that keep your feet dry?
0:37:06 > 0:37:08Cos there's a very damp environment.
0:37:08 > 0:37:12- Where did you have damp feet as a bad thing?- In the river.
0:37:12 > 0:37:14LAUGHTER
0:37:14 > 0:37:19- In the trenches.- In the trenches. - The soldiers loved them.
0:37:19 > 0:37:22- It was the one thing that kept morale high.- Exactly.
0:37:22 > 0:37:25While their friends were being gassed and blown to pieces,
0:37:25 > 0:37:28they'd turn to each other and say, "Mind you, my feet are dry."
0:37:28 > 0:37:30LAUGHTER
0:37:30 > 0:37:32"It's this borax, I've heard, it's wonderful."
0:37:32 > 0:37:34"I haven't eaten for a week and Freddie's bought it,
0:37:34 > 0:37:37"but my feet feel marvellous."
0:37:37 > 0:37:41- It's quite a leap to go from socks to television.- It is, isn't it?
0:37:41 > 0:37:43That's why we thought it was interesting.
0:37:43 > 0:37:45And now it's time for us to leave the maelstrom of miscellany
0:37:45 > 0:37:47and move into the murky waters of general ignorance.
0:37:47 > 0:37:50Fingers on mushroomoids.
0:37:50 > 0:37:51Who invented the motorway?
0:37:52 > 0:37:54Oh...
0:37:54 > 0:37:56Mr Way.
0:37:56 > 0:37:58LAUGHTER
0:37:58 > 0:38:03Is it someone like Diddy David Hamilton? It's someone well known.
0:38:04 > 0:38:06That really was drawn out weirdly!
0:38:06 > 0:38:10From where...which bottom drawer of the mind did he arrive?
0:38:10 > 0:38:14- I'm talking about which country.- Oh! - Which country first had a motorway?
0:38:14 > 0:38:16- Germany.- Not Germany!
0:38:16 > 0:38:19KLAXON
0:38:19 > 0:38:21A lot of people might have thought it was Germany
0:38:21 > 0:38:24- because the Nazis were famous for the Autobahn.- Is it us, then?
0:38:24 > 0:38:27- Is it the M1?- It was actually America, the first one.
0:38:27 > 0:38:30It was called the Long Island Motor Parkway, or LIMP,
0:38:30 > 0:38:33and it was opened in 1908.
0:38:33 > 0:38:34They want to invent the...
0:38:34 > 0:38:38The thingy barrier quite quickly as well. Look at that!
0:38:38 > 0:38:40No cat's eyes there.
0:38:40 > 0:38:43Originally they used to just bury a cat up to its neck.
0:38:43 > 0:38:46The what? The first cat's eyes?
0:38:46 > 0:38:50The Victorians... The ladies were going, "Argh!",
0:38:50 > 0:38:53the cats were buried in the ground and the men were furious.
0:38:53 > 0:38:57Then they'd dig them up two years later and dance around with them.
0:38:57 > 0:38:59It's all knitting and fusing together.
0:38:59 > 0:39:02It was greeted on its opening with the headline
0:39:02 > 0:39:05"First of the Motorways is Opened", so I think it definitely counts.
0:39:05 > 0:39:07The first motorway in Europe wasn't German, either.
0:39:07 > 0:39:12It was a toll road between Milan and the northern Italian lakes.
0:39:12 > 0:39:15It was built in 1924. It was pretty basic, though.
0:39:15 > 0:39:17- Looks like a river.- Yes.
0:39:18 > 0:39:22- What is the definition of a motorway, then?- Motor traffic only.
0:39:22 > 0:39:25- It's got a Welcome Break. - Yeah, it's got a Welcome Break.
0:39:25 > 0:39:28- Is that what it is, motor traffic only? Is that...?- Yeah.
0:39:28 > 0:39:31- No horses, no bicycles, pedestrians.- Yeah.
0:39:31 > 0:39:35The Nazis weren't even responsible for the first German motorway,
0:39:35 > 0:39:36in fact, which was built in 1932.
0:39:36 > 0:39:39What did the Nazis ever do for us?
0:39:40 > 0:39:43The motorway was invented in America, or Italy, but not Nazi Germany.
0:39:43 > 0:39:48After you die, what's the last bit of your body to stop beating?
0:39:48 > 0:39:52The internal section of the clit...
0:39:52 > 0:39:54LAUGHTER
0:39:54 > 0:39:55- Now, you see... RHOD:- The foot.
0:39:55 > 0:39:59APPLAUSE
0:39:59 > 0:40:02It's known as the foot, Alan, in mountaineering circles.
0:40:02 > 0:40:05- The foothills are the clitoris. - NOEL:- Oh, is it the shadow?
0:40:05 > 0:40:09Excuse me? LAUGHTER
0:40:09 > 0:40:11Officially weird.
0:40:14 > 0:40:17APPLAUSE
0:40:17 > 0:40:20Did those iron filings ever have any effect on you?
0:40:20 > 0:40:22Well, just imagine if you were lying in a coffin
0:40:22 > 0:40:25and your shadow was going, "Great, what am I going to do now?
0:40:25 > 0:40:28- LAUGHTER - "I could be someone else's shadow."
0:40:28 > 0:40:31Do you know about the little pulsing, beating hairs we have in our body?
0:40:31 > 0:40:33Oh, in your digestive system?
0:40:33 > 0:40:35They're tiny. We have them all over the body.
0:40:35 > 0:40:37In the nose, not the nostril hairs, they're big,
0:40:37 > 0:40:39but the tiny, tiny little...
0:40:39 > 0:40:41Like moss.
0:40:41 > 0:40:43Like moss. They're called cilia.
0:40:43 > 0:40:45- What, the little hairs in your nose? - Cilia.
0:40:45 > 0:40:47- No, not the visible ones.- I was going to say, I feel really guilty,
0:40:47 > 0:40:49I machined mine out this morning.
0:40:49 > 0:40:50They're like little...
0:40:50 > 0:40:52Are they the ones that collect mucus?
0:40:52 > 0:40:54Microscopic little bulrushes there,
0:40:54 > 0:40:57and they beat in waves to pass things backwards and forwards.
0:40:57 > 0:41:00You can test if you put saccharin in your nose...
0:41:00 > 0:41:02I know it sounds suspicious...
0:41:02 > 0:41:04You trying to get us into trouble or...?
0:41:04 > 0:41:07"No, Officer, I'm trying something...
0:41:07 > 0:41:09"It's a QI thing. You put..."
0:41:09 > 0:41:12Pulling up in a lay-by on the A40. "It's saccharin, Officer."
0:41:12 > 0:41:14If you just dab saccharin on your nostrils, right...
0:41:14 > 0:41:15Right.
0:41:15 > 0:41:19And wait, don't push it up or sniff it up, or anything like that,
0:41:19 > 0:41:21just wait until you can taste it in the back of the throat.
0:41:21 > 0:41:24- Right.- And that's the action of the cilia pulling it up.
0:41:24 > 0:41:26Like tiny elves passing to each other.
0:41:26 > 0:41:29So, yeah, they studied 100 cadavers, scientists,
0:41:29 > 0:41:32and found that not only did the cilia keep moving for up to 20 hours,
0:41:32 > 0:41:35but the beat of them slowed down at a consistent pace, regardless
0:41:35 > 0:41:38of external factors, like temperature and so on.
0:41:38 > 0:41:41- That's so sad.- It could help forensic investigators, though,
0:41:41 > 0:41:43- work out the time of death. - They kept trying to keep...
0:41:43 > 0:41:45"Come on, lads. Keep going, he might come back."
0:41:45 > 0:41:47Why would they continue doing that?
0:41:47 > 0:41:49Cos they weren't ready to let it go...
0:41:49 > 0:41:51Let it go, cilia.
0:41:51 > 0:41:55They even transport molecules to the retina's light-sensitive cells.
0:41:55 > 0:41:57- They're very amazing. - Quite useful, aren't they?
0:41:57 > 0:42:00They help propel sperm and waft eggs through the oviduct.
0:42:00 > 0:42:02That's...that's one for you.
0:42:02 > 0:42:04LAUGHTER
0:42:04 > 0:42:06I have ovaries.
0:42:06 > 0:42:09Just in case anyone who watched the programme didn't know that I had
0:42:09 > 0:42:12a clitoris, ovaries and a vulva, we've discussed mine this evening.
0:42:12 > 0:42:15- Yeah.- Thank you.- Shall I get my rainbow out?- Yes, please.
0:42:17 > 0:42:20I've got a Ferris wheel on me cock so don't worry too much.
0:42:20 > 0:42:23- We're both having a good time. - Everyone relax, everyone relax.
0:42:23 > 0:42:25Shall I waft my eggs over to your Ferris wheel...
0:42:25 > 0:42:27Yeah, oh-ho! Oh-ho!
0:42:27 > 0:42:30I would say your matrimonial necessities
0:42:30 > 0:42:33- have had a damn good airing this evening.- Yeah.
0:42:33 > 0:42:35They didn't need it, they definitely didn't need it.
0:42:35 > 0:42:39Well, that brings me to the matter of the scores,
0:42:39 > 0:42:40and how fascinating they are.
0:42:40 > 0:42:44Actually, really fantastic because way out in the lead
0:42:44 > 0:42:48with a magnificent plus eight is Cariad Lloyd.
0:42:48 > 0:42:51- Ah. - LAUGHTER
0:42:51 > 0:42:52I win.
0:42:53 > 0:42:58In a superb second place, with plus four - Noel Fielding.
0:42:58 > 0:43:01APPLAUSE
0:43:01 > 0:43:05And no disgrace to be on minus seven - Rhod Gilbert.
0:43:05 > 0:43:09Incredible. I'm happy with that...
0:43:09 > 0:43:11And pretty good for him,
0:43:11 > 0:43:13minus 29 - Alan Davies.
0:43:13 > 0:43:14Thank you.
0:43:14 > 0:43:19APPLAUSE
0:43:19 > 0:43:22Well, that's all from Cariad, Rhod, Noel, Alan and me.
0:43:22 > 0:43:24And I leave you with this quote about mystery
0:43:24 > 0:43:27from Sir Arthur Eddington, the great physicist.
0:43:27 > 0:43:32"Something unknown is doing we don't know what." Goodnight.