0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language
0:00:28 > 0:00:32APPLAUSE
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:34 > 0:00:38good evening, good evening - and welcome to QI.
0:00:38 > 0:00:43Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate Marriage and Mating.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47To help me tie the knot, I've brought along a few mates -
0:00:47 > 0:00:51the ministerial Bill Bailey... APPLAUSE
0:00:56 > 0:00:58..the matchmaking Greg Davies... APPLAUSE
0:01:00 > 0:01:05..the Maid of Honour, Jo Brand... APPLAUSE
0:01:05 > 0:01:06Maid of Honour?
0:01:08 > 0:01:12..and the "Must We Really Invite Him?" Alan Davies.
0:01:12 > 0:01:13APPLAUSE
0:01:17 > 0:01:21So, let's hear your mating calls. Bill goes...
0:01:21 > 0:01:23TOAD CROAKS
0:01:24 > 0:01:26You'll recognise that, Bill, being an animal man.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Oh, should I? Is that an animal?
0:01:30 > 0:01:32- It's an amphibian. - I thought it was a...
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Oh, it's a frog of some kind?
0:01:34 > 0:01:36It's a marine toad.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38LAUGHTER
0:01:41 > 0:01:42And Jo goes...
0:01:42 > 0:01:44MOOSE CALL
0:01:46 > 0:01:47I do actually go like that.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Well, that was a moose.
0:01:52 > 0:01:53And Greg goes...
0:01:53 > 0:01:56MONKEY CHATTERS
0:01:57 > 0:02:00It's been a few years since I did that.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03- That is a spider monkey. - Of course it is.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05- Two animals for the price of one. - Wonderful.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07So, Alan goes...
0:02:07 > 0:02:09- MALE ESSEX ACCENT: - 'Hello, darling, you all right?'
0:02:09 > 0:02:12LAUGHTER
0:02:13 > 0:02:17And that's the mating call of... Where do you come from, Alan, again?
0:02:17 > 0:02:18- Essex.- Yeah. There we are.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21And then you have sex, that's how it works.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23LAUGHTER
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Everybody wins. Fantastic.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29But what's the recipe for a disastrous marriage?
0:02:29 > 0:02:31MOOSE CALL Oh, Jo?
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Dead vicar?
0:02:34 > 0:02:35It would be, you're right.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37MONKEY CHATTERS Yeah?
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Live vicar, lovely couple, escaped Bengali tiger.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Yeah, that would be tricky.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45You've painted a word picture, Greg, there.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Let's think first about budget.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49The price of the wedding?
0:02:49 > 0:02:50The price of the wedding, yeah.
0:02:50 > 0:02:54Isn't it about 20 grand now? To get...
0:02:54 > 0:02:55Yeah, is that a good thing?
0:02:55 > 0:02:57- I mean does that affect the long-term...- Oh, I see.
0:02:57 > 0:02:58So the more you spend
0:02:58 > 0:03:01doesn't necessarily mean you're going to have a happier marriage.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04It's actually the more you spend, the shorter the marriage.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06- Oh.- Yes.- Oh.- Really?
0:03:06 > 0:03:08- Isn't that extraordinary? - It IS extraordinary.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11Mine should be over in a couple of weeks.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13LAUGHTER
0:03:13 > 0:03:14Cost a bloody fortune.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20It was economists at Emory University, Atlanta, who discovered this.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22They found an inverse correlation between money spent
0:03:22 > 0:03:24and how long it lasts.
0:03:24 > 0:03:29Those who spent less than 1,000 - which is what, £700? -
0:03:29 > 0:03:32had divorce rates 53% below average,
0:03:32 > 0:03:34while those who spent more than 20,000 -
0:03:34 > 0:03:36you were talking about that as a sum -
0:03:36 > 0:03:39had divorce rates 46% above average.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41What about numbers who attend weddings?
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Is that a similar inverse correlation?
0:03:43 > 0:03:45The more who come, the shorter the marriage?
0:03:45 > 0:03:48- I presume so, because of the cost factor.- Expense, yeah.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Oddly enough, the reverse is true.
0:03:50 > 0:03:56The more people who witness the wedding, the longer it lasts.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59So you've got to have a cheap wedding with lots of people.
0:03:59 > 0:04:00That seems to be the key.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03This is Randy Olson, a PhD student at Michigan State.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06He found that couples who marry in front of more than 200 people are
0:04:06 > 0:04:1192% less likely to get divorced than those who only have a few witnesses.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14- So really you want to get married in Selfridges on Christmas Eve.- Yes!
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Or maybe, if you want to have it cheap and cheerful,
0:04:17 > 0:04:21but lots of people, maybe somewhere like McDonald's, you might think.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23In Hong Kong.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27For 900, you can get 200 guests at a McDonald's.
0:04:27 > 0:04:31- McDonald's Happy Marriage. - It's a Happy Marriage, yes! LAUGHTER
0:04:31 > 0:04:34You get a two-hour venue rental,
0:04:34 > 0:04:38you get 50 McDonaldland character gifts.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40You get two McDonald balloon wedding rings.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Yeah, but how many burgers do you get?
0:04:43 > 0:04:45LAUGHTER
0:04:45 > 0:04:46Come on, give us that info,
0:04:46 > 0:04:48I'm thinking about getting remarried there.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50It's a very simple ceremony, isn't it?
0:04:50 > 0:04:53You point to the bride, "Do you love it?" "I'm loving it."
0:04:53 > 0:04:56- "All right..." - APPLAUSE
0:05:01 > 0:05:02It's all over in five minutes.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Yeah. Put a ring on it.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Yeah, that's right. Oh, onions, lovely, put a ring on it.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Onion rings.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11If you love it, put an onion ring on it.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15Randy Olson from Michigan State, who discovered that we should be...
0:05:15 > 0:05:16I can't get a picture of an erection
0:05:16 > 0:05:18- with an onion ring on it out of my head.- Oh!
0:05:18 > 0:05:20LAUGHTER
0:05:20 > 0:05:23- I get that.- How do you get a thought out of your head?
0:05:23 > 0:05:26What, like onion ring quoits?
0:05:26 > 0:05:28LAUGHTER
0:05:30 > 0:05:33I used to do a bit of stand-up about this thing that I found...
0:05:35 > 0:05:38- About onion rings?- That sounds great.- That sounds brilliant.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40What it was, we were doing a secret Santa, right,
0:05:40 > 0:05:43and it was a £10 limit.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46And I went in... There was quite a good adult shop on the Essex Road,
0:05:46 > 0:05:50and for under £10 the only thing they offered was anal hoopla.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53LAUGHTER
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Anal hoopla consists of a stick,
0:05:56 > 0:05:59- which goes, guess where...- Oh, yeah.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02- And three hoops. - LAUGHTER
0:06:03 > 0:06:06That's...that's the actual game.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09It's an ice breaker. It's an ice breaker.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12- If things have gone a bit flat, you know, in the bedroom area.- Come on!
0:06:12 > 0:06:17- I mean, the tone of this show is SO difficult to get right.- I'm sorry!
0:06:17 > 0:06:20I'm just... I'm recalibrating.
0:06:20 > 0:06:25- All this anal hoopla.- Who would have predicted anal hoopla?
0:06:25 > 0:06:28On the front of it, on the front of the packet is a cartoon drawing,
0:06:28 > 0:06:30a bit like a saucy postcard.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Two people playing,
0:06:32 > 0:06:34as if they couldn't get anyone to actually demo it.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36- Oh, my goodness, yeah. - I dare say it doesn't work.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Where was this for sale? At the ARSE-nal football ground?
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Wahey!
0:06:41 > 0:06:44BILL SHOUTS GIBBERISH
0:06:44 > 0:06:46- Thank you. - That's Klingon for, "Anal hoopla?"
0:06:46 > 0:06:49LAUGHTER
0:06:50 > 0:06:55SHOUTS GIBBERISH AGAIN
0:06:55 > 0:06:56"No, thanks."
0:06:57 > 0:06:59"Let's play Scrabble."
0:07:01 > 0:07:05Now, what's the longest anyone has ever gone without sex?
0:07:05 > 0:07:08I went for a whole panel show once, but I...
0:07:10 > 0:07:11It's not over yet, Greg.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13I can't see that happening again.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17A bit of hoopla? You know...
0:07:18 > 0:07:22I just think you get to a certain age and you're up for new experiences, Bill.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25- Yeah, go on. - MONKEY CHATTERS
0:07:25 > 0:07:30That's it, once you've been with a beardy, you never go back.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33I don't know. Is it human? Are you talking humans here?
0:07:33 > 0:07:35- No, we're not talking humans. - Of course not.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Something buried in the ground, like a lungfish for something.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41- Is a tortoise?- Yeah. - I'm just trying to think of things
0:07:41 > 0:07:43that live for a long time that could not have sex.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45- Trees. - HE MOUTHS
0:07:45 > 0:07:48- Well, no.- I beg your pardon? - I wasn't doing an impression of you.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52- It's like...- I didn't think you were. But now I do.
0:07:52 > 0:07:57No, I had an aunt who couldn't say, "...ex", like that. "...ex".
0:07:57 > 0:07:59I love aunts like that. A friend of mine,
0:07:59 > 0:08:03his aunt was in hospital having an operation on her leg,
0:08:03 > 0:08:07and the surgeon came round to check how it was and she said to him,
0:08:07 > 0:08:10"It's the first time I've had my legs together for years."
0:08:10 > 0:08:13- Of course everyone around the bed went... - SUPPRESSED LAUGHTER
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Like that, and she had no idea what we were talking about.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Yes, but this is an animal.
0:08:18 > 0:08:23What it is about is, when we say species have sex,
0:08:23 > 0:08:24what do we mean by that?
0:08:24 > 0:08:26- Actually...- Conjoin.- Conjoin.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Yeah. We're going back hundreds of millions of years.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Dinosaurs.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33- Yes, we're going back to that. - Shrews! Shrews!
0:08:33 > 0:08:36We're under the sea. The first animal known to have sex...
0:08:36 > 0:08:39- Barnacle.- No.
0:08:39 > 0:08:43The first species to do it was a fish called Microbrachius dicki.
0:08:45 > 0:08:49- Come on. - JO:- Microbrachius what?
0:08:49 > 0:08:52- Dicki.- Dicki.- D-I-C-K-I.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54- The old dicki.- The old dicki.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Microbrachius means small arms. Small arms dick.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59- Small arms dick. - Dick small arms.- OK.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Dicky small arms.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04The Microbrachius dicki,
0:09:04 > 0:09:08380 million years ago was the first creature that we
0:09:08 > 0:09:12know of to engage in internal organ sex.
0:09:12 > 0:09:16- Penetrative. - Yes, penetrative, exactly.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Fortunately, it kept a diary.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23They had bony protrusions running down both sides of their bodies,
0:09:23 > 0:09:27and during copulation the male's bony bits stuck to the female's
0:09:27 > 0:09:29like Velcro, which held them together.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31- Aw. It looks quite sweet, though. - So, they had sex sideways.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33But it didn't really catch on.
0:09:34 > 0:09:39And the species' descendants then evolved to stop having sex.
0:09:40 > 0:09:45No creature attempted to have internal sex again for between
0:09:45 > 0:09:4820 and 40 million years, as far as we know.
0:09:48 > 0:09:49I'm not sure how evolution works.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Will it have been one of these fish who just suddenly went,
0:09:52 > 0:09:54"I think I'm going to try this today"?
0:09:54 > 0:10:00Maybe it started with the lady one laying the eggs
0:10:00 > 0:10:03and the man one fertilising the eggs,
0:10:03 > 0:10:07and then one day he saw the eggs coming out and he decided to get ahead of the game.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09To beat the others. I think you're probably right.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13And those that did that passed on their genes more successfully.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Until it got further and further inside.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17It looks like they're wearing blindfolds.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19It's a bit 50 Shades, isn't it?
0:10:21 > 0:10:24"What's that? What that?" "It's my male claspers."
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Looks like it's been superimposed on an ice lolly.
0:10:29 > 0:10:30- Yeah, happy face.- Yeah.
0:10:32 > 0:10:36Anyway, animals first had sex 380 million years ago,
0:10:36 > 0:10:39then give it a rest for around 30 million years.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Who's still having sex?
0:10:42 > 0:10:44- Not me.- Not me.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47- I'll tell you what, these toads. - TOAD CROAKS
0:10:47 > 0:10:49- They're begging for it. - Begging for it.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51- But are they having it? - Are they having it?
0:10:51 > 0:10:52Who's still having sex?
0:10:52 > 0:10:55What, long-term? Some animals lock together for ages, don't they?
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Are we still... are we in the animal kingdom?
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Well, Alan, you're in absolutely the right area,
0:10:59 > 0:11:01in as much as you've spotted our phrase,
0:11:01 > 0:11:06"Still having sex," as being having sex in a still position.
0:11:06 > 0:11:07Ah!
0:11:07 > 0:11:11So it is the species that most has to be utterly motionless
0:11:11 > 0:11:13when having sex that we could discover.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Is it nuns?
0:11:15 > 0:11:17LAUGHTER
0:11:18 > 0:11:20It's not nuns.
0:11:23 > 0:11:24Prehistoric nuns.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28- It's a moth.- A moth? - It's a moth. It's a moth.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30- And so...- There it is.- Oh, right.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34There it is, beautiful, beautiful moth. It's the gold swift moth.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36And it's at its most vulnerable when mating.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Because it might move and exhibit ecstasy.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43So what it does instead is keep incredibly still,
0:11:43 > 0:11:46so that the bat doesn't spot the twitch, any movement.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49But it has a wonderful repertoire of positions...
0:11:49 > 0:11:51(sexual positions.)
0:11:51 > 0:11:53- (Why are we whispering?) - Unique amongst...
0:11:55 > 0:11:58- Because we don't want to disturb it. Look, there they are.- OK.
0:11:58 > 0:12:02Do you know what, you went all David Attenborough, then.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04As though we were sort of... (just about to watch it.)
0:12:04 > 0:12:07- I think Stephen's worried about being attacked by a bat.- I was.
0:12:07 > 0:12:14AS ATTENBOROUGH: On the left there is the standard, facing position.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17And in the middle, an extraordinary upside down...
0:12:17 > 0:12:19See the tiny moth cock.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Mr Moth and Kate Moth...
0:12:22 > 0:12:24LAUGHTER
0:12:24 > 0:12:26- Wahey!- Thank you.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30But they are a marvellous species, I think you'll agree.
0:12:30 > 0:12:31Yeah, the gold swift moth,
0:12:31 > 0:12:35it has to remain completely still when having sex.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Now for something completely different.
0:12:37 > 0:12:38Who's still having sex?
0:12:42 > 0:12:46The, erm, gold...fish moth? What was it called?
0:12:48 > 0:12:50- God, dementia already. - The swift.- Gold swift moth.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53- The gold swift. - Oh, the gold swift moth.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55JAUNTY TUNE
0:12:55 > 0:12:57- Well done. You get points for remembering.- Oh.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00We are so impressed, because it's very rare that anyone on QI
0:13:00 > 0:13:02can remember the question that's just been asked.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Oh, I was so close, I said goldfish moth.
0:13:04 > 0:13:05You were close. I know.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08- Is this a new thing, then? Master Of Memory?- Yes, that's right.- Wow!
0:13:08 > 0:13:12- Yeah, well done you. - Will we get some slightly easier ones, like our names?
0:13:14 > 0:13:18- Because my memory's terrible. - Mine's terrible.- Yeah, really bad.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Such a fabulously middle-aged new feature.
0:13:20 > 0:13:21- Isn't it?!- I love it.- I know.
0:13:21 > 0:13:22Master of Memory!
0:13:24 > 0:13:27Well done for remembering something seconds ago.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30LAUGHTER
0:13:30 > 0:13:33FRAIL VOICE: Is it Neville Chamberlain?' Anyway...
0:13:33 > 0:13:36- IN POSH VOICE: - One of those rave parties.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38LAUGHTER
0:13:39 > 0:13:41So, what was the question?
0:13:41 > 0:13:44- Eh? What?- Eh? What, what? - What was the question?
0:13:44 > 0:13:45Who's still having sex?
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Yes, well done. You remembered that, good.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49- POSH ACCENT:- I like a bit of kedgeree in the morning...
0:13:49 > 0:13:51LAUGHTER
0:13:51 > 0:13:54So, it's another question, who's still having sex?
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Is it anything to do with that lady in the picture?
0:13:56 > 0:14:00- No, the picture, as always, is a complete distraction. - She's washed her smalls.
0:14:00 > 0:14:01Oh, I suppose that's what it is.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Old ladies don't wear underwear like that.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05That one does.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07- I think they're her husband's. - Do you?
0:14:07 > 0:14:09LAUGHTER
0:14:09 > 0:14:12So, who's still having sex?
0:14:12 > 0:14:14- It's a fetish. - A cult.- Another animal?
0:14:14 > 0:14:17A fetish about having sex with things that are still.
0:14:17 > 0:14:18- Oh, oh...- Oh, I see.- Statues?
0:14:18 > 0:14:20- Yes.- Oh.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22- Absolutely right.- Is it?- Really? - Yeah, yeah.
0:14:22 > 0:14:26And what's the Greek myth of someone who fell in love with a statue?
0:14:26 > 0:14:29- Oh, thing.- "Thing," yes.
0:14:29 > 0:14:30- Can we do better? - What's it begin with?
0:14:30 > 0:14:32- It begins with, well, the... - Pygmalion.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35The sculpture begins with P, Pygmalion, exactly.
0:14:35 > 0:14:36Pygmalion is the sculpture of...
0:14:36 > 0:14:38- Yes! Memory, memory! - ONE PERSON APPLAUDS
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Thank you. That one person.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43- APPLAUSE - Well, no, but...
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Pygmalion made a statue of Galatea and he fell in love with it.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53And in the myth, the gods took pity and breathed life into her.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56But it does seem to be a genuine passion people have.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Even in Greek times, the first recorded case, Pliny claimed...
0:14:59 > 0:15:02- And we love Pliny, don't we? - Yeah.- Oh, yes, yes.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06Pliny claimed that Praxiteles' naked statue of Aphrodite of Cnidus,
0:15:06 > 0:15:09- which is the first naked female statue of that time...- Yes.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Apparently she had a permanent stain on her leg from where
0:15:12 > 0:15:14a sailor got carried away.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16- Wow.- Ugh.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19What you might call seaman stains. AUDIENCE GROANS
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Seaman stains, yeah, well, it's true. Quite literally.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24But Cleisophus was a man who tried to make love to
0:15:24 > 0:15:27a statue in the temple of Samos.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30When he found the marble very, very cold, he changed his mind
0:15:30 > 0:15:33and laid out a piece of meat on the floor and made love to that instead.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35AUDIENCE GROANS
0:15:35 > 0:15:38- It's an incredible jump to make, isn't it?- It is, a species...
0:15:38 > 0:15:42"Oh, this statue's not working for me, get me down the butcher's."
0:15:42 > 0:15:44It is a bit odd, isn't it? That would make...
0:15:44 > 0:15:49But surely a statue is only a kind of less giving blow-up doll,
0:15:49 > 0:15:53- really, isn't it? Don't you think? - This is a really good point, Jo,
0:15:53 > 0:15:54because you've absolutely...
0:15:54 > 0:15:56APPLAUSE
0:15:56 > 0:15:57Yeah, thank you.
0:16:00 > 0:16:01Sex psychiatrists have -
0:16:01 > 0:16:04sexologists as they like to call themselves - were early on puzzled by
0:16:04 > 0:16:10the fact that this particular fetish seemed to die away in the 1950s,
0:16:10 > 0:16:14until they'd considered that maybe it was replaced by the love
0:16:14 > 0:16:17of blow-up dolls, as they arrived on the market.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20So it is, whatever that fetish is, that desire to...
0:16:20 > 0:16:23I suppose it's to... so often the case, men's control,
0:16:23 > 0:16:25power and all that sort of thing,
0:16:25 > 0:16:27that you can control and have power over something that
0:16:27 > 0:16:30- can't answer back, that is inanimate. - Well, I saw...- Yeah?
0:16:30 > 0:16:34I saw a picture in the paper the other day of a very lifelike woman robot.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37And I must admit thinking to myself, it's not going to be long.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39- It isn't, is it?- No.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Wait a minute, that was Theresa May.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43APPLAUSE
0:16:48 > 0:16:51It was recognised as an illness until the mid-20th century
0:16:51 > 0:16:54when it was dropped because no actual cases presented themselves.
0:16:54 > 0:16:55What was it called?
0:16:55 > 0:16:58It was called agalmatophobia.
0:16:58 > 0:17:02Sorry, -philia, rather. Phobia is the fear of things.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06- What's that, sorry?- Agalmatophilia. - Philia.- Yes, agalmatophilia.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08- The proclivity of having sex with statues.- Extraordinary word.
0:17:08 > 0:17:12OK, agalmatophobia is the fear of having sex with statues.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15- Yes. Well, the fear of statues. - Oh, I see. Right.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19Now, who married Big-Mouthed Margaret?
0:17:19 > 0:17:20Denis.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22KLAXON BLARES
0:17:24 > 0:17:27Oh, thank you. Thank you for that.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Well, how can you know Big-Mouthed Margaret?
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Was it Tiny-Todger Tony?
0:17:32 > 0:17:34LAUGHTER
0:17:37 > 0:17:42If I said Muckle-Mou'ed Meg, would that help?
0:17:42 > 0:17:46Muckle being big and mou'ed being mouthed, Meg being Margaret.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Is it Rabbie Burns?
0:17:48 > 0:17:52Well, no, but, astonishingly, you're in the right area,
0:17:52 > 0:17:56in as much as it involves a very - probably after Robbie Burns -
0:17:56 > 0:17:59- the most famous Scottish writer. - Wee Willie Winkie.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02The most famous Scottish writer after Robbie Burns.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05- Walter Scott?- Walter Scott, yes, brilliant.- Bloody hell!
0:18:05 > 0:18:07APPLAUSE Really good.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09- You're on fire.- I'm on fire!
0:18:09 > 0:18:12You are on fire.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Yeah, and there you can see William Scott and the woman herself,
0:18:15 > 0:18:16Muckle-Mou'ed Meg.
0:18:16 > 0:18:21And William Scott was Walter Scott's great-great-grandfather,
0:18:21 > 0:18:24and he stole some cattle off a man.
0:18:24 > 0:18:29And he was sentenced to be hanged, or to marry the man's
0:18:29 > 0:18:33incredibly, apparently, ugly daughter, Muckle-Mou'ed Meg.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36- I know, it's... - What sort of a court was this?
0:18:36 > 0:18:40And William Scott said, "I think I'll be hanged."
0:18:40 > 0:18:41LAUGHTER
0:18:41 > 0:18:44But at the very last minute he changed his mind and he married her.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47And they had a very happy marriage.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51And because of it, they had Walter Scott as a...
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Even Robert Browning wrote a poem on it, because they all
0:18:53 > 0:18:56worshipped Walter Scott in a way that we don't any more.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Jane Austen venerated him,
0:18:58 > 0:19:01particularly the European writers, Balzac and others venerated him.
0:19:01 > 0:19:06Yes, William Scott said, "I do," to Muckle-Mouthed Meg.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09And it's a good thing he did, or we wouldn't have Sir Walter.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13But who advised dissecting a woman before marrying one?
0:19:13 > 0:19:15I think my husband said something similar,
0:19:15 > 0:19:17when we were a bit pissed one night.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Some great, one of the Victorian...
0:19:21 > 0:19:24He was a great, and he was 19th century.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Oddly enough, I've mentioned his name today.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28He was a great writer.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30- Walter Scott.- No.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32- Balzac.- Honore de Balzac.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34- Pliny.- Honore de Balzac is the right answer.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37- I just said Balzac! I said Balzac! - No, he did just say that. He did.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39- You didn't say the first name! - All right, calm down. There he is.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42There he is, I'd know him anywhere!
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Did his fiancee hang herself?
0:19:46 > 0:19:48- Bless him.- Well, his fiancee stayed his fiancee
0:19:48 > 0:19:50for a very, very long time.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53He fell in love with a countess, who said, "You can't marry me
0:19:53 > 0:19:56"until my husband dies," because she was already married.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58And it took 17 years.
0:19:58 > 0:19:59Eventually they got married.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Five months later, Balzac died.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03So, he didn't get much use out of her,
0:20:03 > 0:20:04if that's the right word.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06- I don't think it is.- No.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10He wrote a book in 1829 called The Physiology Of Marriage,
0:20:10 > 0:20:13in which he said, "A man ought not to marry without having
0:20:13 > 0:20:17"studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman."
0:20:17 > 0:20:20- So, I mean a dead woman, he's not... - Oh, that's such a creepy suggestion. - It is a bit creepy.
0:20:20 > 0:20:24I guess it's so he knows what's... the bits, where they all go.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27- And where everything is.- Really?
0:20:27 > 0:20:29No, I hand my mother a cup of tea without knowing
0:20:29 > 0:20:31the workings of her hand.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33- That's a very good point. - It's not very romantic, is it?- No.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36- "Darling..."- Well, I don't want it to be, she's my mother.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38LAUGHTER
0:20:38 > 0:20:41There's a lot worse coming, which I'm not going to read you,
0:20:41 > 0:20:44- because you'll never read Balzac again.- Ooh, great.- Oh, please.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46He said that "A man should weaken the will
0:20:46 > 0:20:50"and strength of a wife by tiring her out under the load of constant work,
0:20:50 > 0:20:54"so that she has no energy left to cause trouble."
0:20:54 > 0:20:57- He deserved a big spank, didn't he? - He was an early founder of Ukip.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00LAUGHTER
0:21:00 > 0:21:04And, very weirdly, he said, "Never allow her to drink water alone.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07"If you do, you are lost."
0:21:07 > 0:21:10I mean, it's interesting, within a few sentences,
0:21:10 > 0:21:12he is clearly just a fucking nutter, isn't he?
0:21:12 > 0:21:14- Yeah.- He's having a laugh, surely.
0:21:14 > 0:21:18I'd find him hard to forgive if he wasn't such a looker.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20LAUGHTER
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Do you know the Rodin sculpture of him, which is fantastic?
0:21:22 > 0:21:24It's one of the great works of art.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27- I've rubbed against it. - Have you?- No!
0:21:27 > 0:21:29LAUGHTER
0:21:29 > 0:21:33Balzac drank 50 cups of coffee a day. I don't know if that excuses him.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37There's a cup of coffee, in case you didn't know what one looked like.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39He drank 50 cups of coffee a day?
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Yeah, and when he found that didn't quite hit the spot,
0:21:41 > 0:21:44he then took to eating the grounds, coffee grounds. It was really weird.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47Well, I'm amazed he was as coherent as he was.
0:21:47 > 0:21:52If I drank 50 cups of coffee I'd be jumping off buildings. Incredible.
0:21:52 > 0:21:57Well, Beethoven always counted out exactly 60 coffee beans
0:21:57 > 0:21:58for every cup he drank.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Kierkegaard, on the other hand, the philosopher,
0:22:01 > 0:22:05had 50 different coffee cups.
0:22:05 > 0:22:09Whenever he wanted a cup of coffee - I really want to kill him so much -
0:22:09 > 0:22:13he instructed his secretary to select one of these cups
0:22:13 > 0:22:17and provide a valid philosophical reason for doing so.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20He sounds like a right knob.
0:22:21 > 0:22:26- "Invalid. Invalid reason." - "No, no."- "Take it away."
0:22:26 > 0:22:31Anyway, Balzac thought that you should dissect a woman before marrying one.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33What do monkeys spend their money on?
0:22:33 > 0:22:36It depends on the monkey, doesn't it?
0:22:36 > 0:22:40Your macaque will spend it on cigarettes and drink.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Your mandrill, DIY.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44LAUGHTER Clever!
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Very good. Man-drill.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55- Surely the macaque would spend it on lavatory paper.- Of course!
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Oh, we're going that way, are we? Oh, OK. I see.
0:23:00 > 0:23:01Food, I bet this...
0:23:01 > 0:23:05Is this going to be some sort of experiment where they got rewarded
0:23:05 > 0:23:08with something and they had to take it somewhere to get something else?
0:23:08 > 0:23:11- Like sort of a monkey thing? - Well, they actually were taught...
0:23:11 > 0:23:14they were taught the principles of money, monetary exchange.
0:23:14 > 0:23:15They were given silver discs
0:23:15 > 0:23:18and taught that they could exchange them for food.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20These are capuchins.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22So called because of their colours, the creamy top...
0:23:22 > 0:23:25- They really do look at a camera lens, monkeys.- Those do, yeah.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28- You see those shots of loads of monkeys all staring at a camera lens.- Yeah.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31If you've noticed, there's one of them who's not looking at the camera lens.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33LAUGHTER
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Quite notably, yes.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44Unless that monkey has had a very unfortunate accident with a camera.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48Or he's looking for a game of anal hoopla.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Why are capuchins called capuchins?
0:23:50 > 0:23:52- Isn't it something to do with... - Cappuccino.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Cappuccino? Because they're coffee-coloured?
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Because they are the same colour as cappuccino,
0:23:56 > 0:23:58cream colour at the top, dark at the bottom.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00- But that's why...- Monks.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02That's right, it starts with the monks.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05APPLAUSE
0:24:06 > 0:24:08What is going on today?
0:24:08 > 0:24:11Something's gone wrong with me, I tell you, because normally...
0:24:11 > 0:24:15Capuchin monks have a cream-coloured cowl and dark habit.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18And so the coffee was named cappuccino,
0:24:18 > 0:24:21- because it was creamy at the top and coffee below.- Oh!
0:24:21 > 0:24:24And similarly, capuchin monkeys have that colouring.
0:24:24 > 0:24:28It's impossible to take your eyes off that one, I want to.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30I just imagine what's going on in his head.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33It is so severely inspecting, isn't he?
0:24:33 > 0:24:36"Mate, you've got a problem back here, seriously."
0:24:36 > 0:24:38"Something's just crawled into your arse."
0:24:38 > 0:24:41LAUGHTER
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Researchers at Yale taught capuchin monkeys that in exchange
0:24:44 > 0:24:45for a certain number of tokens,
0:24:45 > 0:24:50they could buy a certain number of grapes or little cubes of jelly.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Once they grasped this, the extraordinary thing was,
0:24:53 > 0:24:55they really got the whole concept.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59One of the monkeys used their new currency to give to a female
0:24:59 > 0:25:00to have sex with him -
0:25:00 > 0:25:02essentially a prostitute.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06And the female would then take the disc and buy herself a grape.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09So the money had gone, you know, through the system, as money does.
0:25:09 > 0:25:14But there is a separate piece of research in 2005 which involved macaques,
0:25:14 > 0:25:19that showed that they pay to look at porn.
0:25:23 > 0:25:28- It's true.- Wow.- But the extraordinary thing is, only classy porn.
0:25:28 > 0:25:29- Oh, that's all right.- Yeah.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33They forfeited their usual reward,
0:25:33 > 0:25:39which was a glass of cherry juice, for pictures of the faces and bottoms
0:25:39 > 0:25:44of what are known as high-ranking females within the troop of macaques.
0:25:44 > 0:25:49But they wouldn't look at pictures of the bottoms and faces of
0:25:49 > 0:25:52lower ranked females unless they were GIVEN a glass of juice.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56So, they would give up their juice to look at the porn of the higher ranking ones,
0:25:56 > 0:26:01but they had to be paid in juice to look at the other ones.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03It's extraordinary. They're monkeys. It is not a moral thing.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Again, I know I say this a lot, but who is funding this?
0:26:08 > 0:26:12What kind of twisted...
0:26:12 > 0:26:15- "Go on, give them money..." - HE LEERS
0:26:15 > 0:26:19Anyway, what uses can you think of for a parachute on your wedding day?
0:26:21 > 0:26:22Dress?
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Yes! It's that simple.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27APPLAUSE
0:26:27 > 0:26:29You're running away with it.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Well, normally I'm thick as shit,
0:26:31 > 0:26:33I can't really understand what's going on. Anyway.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36It was particularly in World War II, and parachutes were made out of...?
0:26:36 > 0:26:38- AUDIENCE:- Silk. - BILL:- Silk, yes.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, exactly.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44And any spare, or ones that were found in fields,
0:26:44 > 0:26:48were grabbed by grateful people to turn into wedding dresses.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51There was a village in 1941 where a German soldier
0:26:51 > 0:26:53landed in his parachute and he...
0:26:53 > 0:26:56Didn't have a swastika on it, did it?
0:26:56 > 0:26:58No, no, fortunately not! Or if it did...
0:26:58 > 0:27:02ALAN SINGS THE WEDDING MARCH
0:27:02 > 0:27:04"I say, she's got a bloody swastika!"
0:27:04 > 0:27:06LAUGHTER
0:27:09 > 0:27:11"I think that's in very bad taste."
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Even if they were, it was great, because that village
0:27:15 > 0:27:18turned them into bloomers, you known, into long knickers.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21Oh, that's all right, to have a swastika on your bloomers, though.
0:27:21 > 0:27:25- Well, no-one would see.- I think it's positively encouraged, actually.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28"There's something you don't know about me..."
0:27:28 > 0:27:30LAUGHTER
0:27:32 > 0:27:34But there you see a wedding dress,
0:27:34 > 0:27:40and the majority of wedding dresses were not white until after the war.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42White was a more common colour than any other,
0:27:42 > 0:27:44but it still wasn't the majority.
0:27:44 > 0:27:49Jane Austen's mother wore a bright red dress, for example.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51And Queen Victoria had a white wedding dress,
0:27:51 > 0:27:55and that was quite a sort of fashion statement that people copied.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58But things didn't get really white
0:27:58 > 0:28:00until the age of the washing machine and things like that.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03Right, it was a luxury, afforded by the rich.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06And even in the '50s, people expected to wear their wedding dress
0:28:06 > 0:28:08again, it wasn't a one-off thing, as it is now.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11But I'll tell you an interesting thing about Queen Victoria.
0:28:11 > 0:28:12- Yeah?- Yeah.
0:28:12 > 0:28:15When she died, towards the end of her life...
0:28:15 > 0:28:17LAUGHTER
0:28:17 > 0:28:19- No, it's gossip and I feel guilty about telling you.- Go on.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22She won't find out.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24She was wider than she was tall.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26- Really?- So?
0:28:26 > 0:28:28APPLAUSE
0:28:33 > 0:28:36- I wore my wedding dress again, actually.- Did you?
0:28:36 > 0:28:39Yeah. I went to a fancy dress party as Alaska.
0:28:39 > 0:28:41- LAUGHTER - Anyway...
0:28:41 > 0:28:44Tell us about...more about old...
0:28:44 > 0:28:46She was 59 inches tall,
0:28:46 > 0:28:51- and she was 66 inches wide. - Wow!- Bless her.- Really?- Yes.
0:28:51 > 0:28:54- But wide or in circumference?- In circumference.- Yeah, I was going to say.- Sorry, not wide.
0:28:54 > 0:28:58- She can't possibly have been... - No, no. Sorry. LAUGHTER
0:28:58 > 0:29:01That's circumference. Yeah.
0:29:01 > 0:29:03- I don't mean width, but I mean... - "Here she comes."
0:29:03 > 0:29:05All the way round was 66.
0:29:05 > 0:29:08- "We're going to have to knock through."- Yeah.
0:29:08 > 0:29:10Can't get through any of the doors.
0:29:11 > 0:29:14And that's how the Victoria Line was started.
0:29:16 > 0:29:17She needs a pew of her own.
0:29:19 > 0:29:22The Albert Hall was just a cast of her body.
0:29:23 > 0:29:26This is her bust size, I'm talking about. 66.
0:29:26 > 0:29:29- Wow!- 66 bust?- Yeah.- Crikey! - Good Lord!
0:29:29 > 0:29:32- She was very short. - Oo-hee, there's some lovin' there.
0:29:32 > 0:29:35Her bloomers were sold, quite recently, for over £6,000.
0:29:35 > 0:29:39Must have been an enormous swastika on there.
0:29:39 > 0:29:41- Almost certainly a swastika. - What do you think their waist was?
0:29:41 > 0:29:44Bloomers start at the waist, they're like pants...
0:29:44 > 0:29:47- 80 inches.- Well...- XXXL.
0:29:47 > 0:29:50Yeah, they were XXX... There were lots of Xs, 56 inch waist.
0:29:50 > 0:29:53- 56.- 56.- I'm so sorry. I got it all wrong. It's 52.- 52.
0:29:53 > 0:29:55I completely exaggerated.
0:29:55 > 0:29:57- And she was what, how tall? - 4'11".
0:29:57 > 0:30:01- 59 inches. - 4'11". Aw.- Bless her heart.
0:30:01 > 0:30:04- A tiny, little Queen.- Yes, she was!
0:30:04 > 0:30:08So, what uses can you think of for a half-naked Frenchman
0:30:08 > 0:30:09on your wedding night?
0:30:11 > 0:30:13If it was the other half, hoopla.
0:30:16 > 0:30:20IN FRENCH ACCENT: There is an half-naked Frenchman. That is Gerard Depardieu.
0:30:20 > 0:30:23He is about three times that size now, he is enormous.
0:30:23 > 0:30:25He's gone all Victoria, hasn't he?
0:30:25 > 0:30:28He is a little bit tubbier than that now, it must be said.
0:30:28 > 0:30:30It is not actually a question about Depardieu,
0:30:30 > 0:30:32it is a question about an half-naked Frenchman.
0:30:32 > 0:30:34So, what are we talking about?
0:30:34 > 0:30:37Would you use him to give you a bit of a run out, first, as it were?
0:30:37 > 0:30:39Practice?
0:30:39 > 0:30:43We're going back in this case to the 16th century, and we're thinking
0:30:43 > 0:30:48about how a marriage can be shown to work, especially in royal circles.
0:30:48 > 0:30:52- Le droit du seigneur?- No, it's not that, that's one thing, but...
0:30:52 > 0:30:54Not the old blood on the sheet routine?
0:30:54 > 0:30:57Well, the blood on the sheet demonstrates what?
0:30:57 > 0:31:00- Consummation.- Consummation. And without consummation,
0:31:00 > 0:31:02a marriage is considered invalid, ultimately.
0:31:02 > 0:31:06- Without consomme... - Yeah, without consomme.
0:31:06 > 0:31:08- So, if the man has not done his duty by the woman...- Done the biz.
0:31:08 > 0:31:10Henry VIII again.
0:31:10 > 0:31:13Well, exactly, and precisely, we are talking about Henry VIII's family.
0:31:13 > 0:31:16But it doesn't have to be on the first night, does it?
0:31:16 > 0:31:18It doesn't have to be the first night,
0:31:18 > 0:31:21- but the first night gets it all out of the way.- Fair dos.
0:31:21 > 0:31:23So, we are in royal circles here.
0:31:23 > 0:31:25You mentioned Henry VIII,
0:31:25 > 0:31:27and we're actually in the world of Henry VIII's sister.
0:31:27 > 0:31:29She was a Tudor, and her name was Mary,
0:31:29 > 0:31:33but she is not to be confused with Mary Tudor who was Henry's daughter,
0:31:33 > 0:31:35or Bloody Mary, as she was also known.
0:31:35 > 0:31:39There she is. She married Louis XII of France.
0:31:39 > 0:31:42Louis XII had better things to do on the wedding night,
0:31:42 > 0:31:45so Mary went into the bedroom, she took off her clothes,
0:31:45 > 0:31:50and the Duc de Longueville pulled off his hose and his doublet
0:31:50 > 0:31:53and he laid a bare leg and thigh
0:31:53 > 0:31:57on the bed till it touched hers under the covers.
0:31:57 > 0:31:58HE YELPS
0:31:58 > 0:32:03All the people there - there was a crowd - applauded. HE APPLAUDS
0:32:03 > 0:32:07And that was consummation. Even though it wasn't even the husband.
0:32:07 > 0:32:09That's how mad the period was.
0:32:09 > 0:32:13- He was proxy.- Ah, I see. - So that was a gig, then?
0:32:13 > 0:32:15You could get that as a gig, to touch legs?
0:32:15 > 0:32:20Being the proxy? Yeah. The leg toucher. Leg toucher to royal brides.
0:32:20 > 0:32:24Yeah. You'd be in the taverns, "Yeah, I'm leg toucher to the Royals, yeah".
0:32:24 > 0:32:27- "I've touched them all, you know." - "Touched them all."
0:32:27 > 0:32:30I think they had to check them medically before they were
0:32:30 > 0:32:35allowed to do it, though, to make sure they didn't have any venereal disease,
0:32:35 > 0:32:40- cos they didn't want a poxy proxy. - APPLAUSE
0:32:40 > 0:32:43Thank you.
0:32:45 > 0:32:48APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:32:48 > 0:32:49Like after a walk on a windswept cliff,
0:32:49 > 0:32:52but there was a beautiful cake at the end of it.
0:32:52 > 0:32:56Yes, Mary Tudor got a bit of a leg over, but it wasn't her husband's.
0:32:56 > 0:33:01Now it's time to enrol in the dreaded school of General Ignorance.
0:33:01 > 0:33:03Describe the sex chromosomes of the Queen.
0:33:03 > 0:33:07Xs and Ys. Ys. Two Ys?
0:33:08 > 0:33:11- Erm...- An X and a Y.
0:33:11 > 0:33:12TOAD CROAKS
0:33:12 > 0:33:14One doesn't have chromosomes.
0:33:15 > 0:33:17One has a chromosome proxy, you know.
0:33:19 > 0:33:22- Well, you've just given me very seriously male chromosomes.- Right.
0:33:22 > 0:33:26- I was having a go, though, wasn't I? I was trying.- You were.
0:33:26 > 0:33:28I'm under pressure up here.
0:33:28 > 0:33:31- You've actually done rather well. - Have I?- Yeah.
0:33:31 > 0:33:35Generally speaking, human beings have how many pairs of chromosomes?
0:33:35 > 0:33:39- One? Two?- We have 23, which is not as many as a potato.
0:33:40 > 0:33:45We have 23 pairs, and one of those pairs determines our sex, gender.
0:33:45 > 0:33:49- And if you are a female you're... - XX.- XX.
0:33:49 > 0:33:52- And if you're male...- XY.- XY.
0:33:52 > 0:33:54- And there are variations... - I thought it was YY.
0:33:54 > 0:33:56..but generally speaking, we've got the Y.
0:33:56 > 0:33:59If you've got YY, what are you, then?
0:33:59 > 0:34:01Boy George.
0:34:01 > 0:34:03LAUGHTER
0:34:05 > 0:34:09- But the Queen has given birth to males.- And does that change you?
0:34:09 > 0:34:12There is a little bit of two-way going on in the womb,
0:34:12 > 0:34:15up and down the placenta, as it were, and that is that if you have a male
0:34:15 > 0:34:19child inside you, it has XY chromosomes, of course, and a little
0:34:19 > 0:34:24bit of that XY chromosome will lodge inside the mother and stay there.
0:34:24 > 0:34:28A 93-year-old woman recently was found to have the XY
0:34:28 > 0:34:33chromosome in her head from a male child she had had decades ago.
0:34:33 > 0:34:40- Oh!- So the Queen will have, having had three male children, namely...
0:34:40 > 0:34:41Er...
0:34:41 > 0:34:45- She's had Charles, Andrew and Edward.- That's right, very good.
0:34:45 > 0:34:47Lucky, Lucky and Lucky.
0:34:49 > 0:34:53And somewhere there will be remnants of the XY chromosomes.
0:34:53 > 0:34:56Makes you more likely to like football.
0:34:56 > 0:34:58Prince Philip was in a school, children were showing him,
0:34:58 > 0:35:02saying if you inspect the genes you can tell the gender,
0:35:02 > 0:35:05and Prince Philip said, "Can't you just pull them down?"
0:35:09 > 0:35:13Ah, bless him. Here's a card, isn't he?
0:35:13 > 0:35:15Totally. Here is an easy one.
0:35:15 > 0:35:19How many legally recognised political parties are there in China?
0:35:19 > 0:35:21MONKEY CHATTERS
0:35:21 > 0:35:23- Yes, Greg?- One.
0:35:23 > 0:35:26KLAXON BLARES
0:35:26 > 0:35:29- Oh, dear.- No, it's not one.- None.
0:35:29 > 0:35:31Ah, you see, you've played this game a lot.
0:35:31 > 0:35:33You think you can... No.
0:35:33 > 0:35:36LAUGHTER
0:35:36 > 0:35:39- Two. - KLAXON BLARES
0:35:40 > 0:35:43We could have fun here, couldn't we?
0:35:43 > 0:35:45There are actually eight other parties other than
0:35:45 > 0:35:48the Communist Party. Isn't that extraordinary?
0:35:48 > 0:35:52They are a multiparty state. There they all are.
0:35:52 > 0:35:53Day release from prison.
0:35:55 > 0:36:01So, what is the maximum number of children allowed in every family in China?
0:36:01 > 0:36:04- Oh...- Ah...- Ah!
0:36:04 > 0:36:07- Hold on.- Who is going to go? Do it, do it!
0:36:07 > 0:36:09TOAD CROAKS
0:36:09 > 0:36:13- Have a plump. One. - KLAXON BLARES
0:36:15 > 0:36:18- They had a policy. - They did have a policy.
0:36:18 > 0:36:20But it was never all the people of China,
0:36:20 > 0:36:22all the families of China who were affected.
0:36:22 > 0:36:27For example, if you were an ethnic minority it didn't apply to you.
0:36:27 > 0:36:30Ethnic minority meant anyone who wasn't Han Chinese.
0:36:30 > 0:36:3436% of the population were subject to a one child rule,
0:36:34 > 0:36:37but never the whole of China.
0:36:37 > 0:36:40The average number of children a Chinese woman bears is 1.4.
0:36:40 > 0:36:43- That's weird, isn't it? - HE CHUCKLES
0:36:43 > 0:36:45What do you think it is in Britain?
0:36:45 > 0:36:46I thought it was 2.4 children?
0:36:46 > 0:36:491.7. 1.8.
0:36:49 > 0:36:52- 1.9.- 1.9.- You were nearly there.
0:36:52 > 0:36:57And I'd be very impressed if you knew the country in the world with the highest birth rate.
0:36:57 > 0:37:01This country is in anagram of what Queen Elizabeth does.
0:37:01 > 0:37:03- Niger.- Yes!
0:37:03 > 0:37:06Wow! Very quick.
0:37:06 > 0:37:12APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:37:13 > 0:37:16- Did he just ask you what she had for breakfast?- Yes.
0:37:16 > 0:37:18Because I want to know what combination of things
0:37:18 > 0:37:21she's had that make her brain work so well today.
0:37:21 > 0:37:25Yes, the Queen reigns, and it is Niger. "Niger". Seven is the average.
0:37:25 > 0:37:29- Good Lord. - Quite a burden for a woman in Niger.
0:37:29 > 0:37:32Now, name a monogamous bird?
0:37:32 > 0:37:34- Me. - LAUGHTER
0:37:34 > 0:37:36Swan.
0:37:36 > 0:37:37KLAXON BLARES
0:37:37 > 0:37:40Sorry, we just had to get you there.
0:37:40 > 0:37:41- MAN IN AUDIENCE:- Penguin.
0:37:41 > 0:37:45Penguin. Penguin from the audience.
0:37:45 > 0:37:47Oh, does the audience want one? KLAXON BLARES
0:37:47 > 0:37:50APPLAUSE
0:37:50 > 0:37:53- That's what happens... - We've got a dumb audience.
0:37:53 > 0:37:55- Yeah, you see.- Not so clever now!
0:37:55 > 0:37:58LAUGHTER
0:37:58 > 0:37:59- ANOTHER MAN:- Magpie.
0:37:59 > 0:38:00No, it's a nun, it's a nun.
0:38:00 > 0:38:04APPLAUSE
0:38:04 > 0:38:06Almost no birds are monogamous,
0:38:06 > 0:38:10even ones that are thought of as monogamous are not truly monogamous.
0:38:10 > 0:38:12They misbehave. They cheat.
0:38:12 > 0:38:15I mean, the only one we've come up with is the black vulture.
0:38:15 > 0:38:18- Where you do genetic tests... - Nobody...- Nobody will have him.- No.
0:38:18 > 0:38:20Ugh!
0:38:20 > 0:38:22A proud, handsome fellow.
0:38:22 > 0:38:26- Or girl.- He is monogamous? - He is, yeah.- Not by choice.- Yeah.
0:38:26 > 0:38:28LAUGHTER
0:38:28 > 0:38:31No infidelity is found by DNA testing,
0:38:31 > 0:38:33whereas in almost all the other birds...
0:38:33 > 0:38:36Ducks are... They're dirty sods, aren't they?
0:38:36 > 0:38:40Swans have also...black swans in particular - one in six cygnets is
0:38:40 > 0:38:44the result of extra-pair copulation, what we would call extra-marital.
0:38:44 > 0:38:46- Yes.- Despite the love hearts
0:38:46 > 0:38:48and the beautiful romantic shape that they make.
0:38:48 > 0:38:51Other orders or classes of animal that are genuinely monogamous,
0:38:51 > 0:38:56apart from black vultures, are the flatworm Diplozoon paradoxum.
0:38:56 > 0:38:58When a male meets a female, they actually fuse together,
0:38:58 > 0:39:01so they don't really have any choice in the matter.
0:39:01 > 0:39:03So they remain faithful till death.
0:39:03 > 0:39:05And voles.
0:39:05 > 0:39:07- That's very sweet. Look at that. - Aw!
0:39:07 > 0:39:08How can you not love a vole?
0:39:08 > 0:39:11Everything eats them as well, it's such a shame for them. Yeah.
0:39:11 > 0:39:17- Owls in particular.- Yeah.- An owl can hear the heartbeat of a vole or...
0:39:17 > 0:39:21- Or a shrew.- ..or something, from, when it's four feet underground,
0:39:21 > 0:39:23- when it's flying overhead. - I know, it's amazing.
0:39:23 > 0:39:25And they've got their concave face, the owls,
0:39:25 > 0:39:28it's like an echo chamber, and they can hear the heartbeat underground.
0:39:28 > 0:39:32- Isn't that amazing? They say they can, anyway.- Yeah.
0:39:32 > 0:39:34"Yes, I heard it underground. Hmm."
0:39:34 > 0:39:37I was like that when I had my ears waxed
0:39:37 > 0:39:40and it was like that, you know, coming out of the surgery.
0:39:40 > 0:39:43"Oh, my God, I can hear a vole four miles away!"
0:39:43 > 0:39:48I saw an owl flying for the first time in my life this year.
0:39:48 > 0:39:50- And they make no noise at all, do they?- No.
0:39:50 > 0:39:52- And apparently they're really thick. - Are they?
0:39:52 > 0:39:56- They're not as wise as people have been going on about, are they? - No, apparently not.
0:39:56 > 0:39:59Barn owls are really stupid, they don't even know where they live.
0:39:59 > 0:40:01They have to have the habitat built into the name.
0:40:04 > 0:40:07"Where do I live? Barn, barn! That's it. Oh, yes."
0:40:07 > 0:40:09LAUGHTER
0:40:09 > 0:40:12Well, voles are monogamous and charming
0:40:12 > 0:40:15and indeed their names are an anagram of?
0:40:15 > 0:40:18- Love.- Yes. Isn't that nice?
0:40:18 > 0:40:22Well, many supposedly monogamous birds have a little tit on the side.
0:40:24 > 0:40:28Who can marry you at sea?
0:40:28 > 0:40:29The captain of the ship.
0:40:29 > 0:40:31KLAXON BLARES
0:40:36 > 0:40:39A vicar who happened to be on the ship.
0:40:39 > 0:40:41Ship's entertainer?
0:40:41 > 0:40:42No. No, I don't think so.
0:40:42 > 0:40:46That would be great, wouldn't it? "Des O'Connor's marrying you."
0:40:46 > 0:40:50The thing is, a ship's captain can't, and never has been able to.
0:40:50 > 0:40:52- It's a total myth.- Oh. - Where's that come from, then?
0:40:52 > 0:40:53Why do I know that to be true?
0:40:53 > 0:40:56It seems to come from films, you know, all kinds of things.
0:40:56 > 0:40:58The Amorous Adventures of Moll Flanders, it happens.
0:40:58 > 0:41:01- Look, Bill, there's your pipe character made flesh.- Oh, yes.
0:41:01 > 0:41:03- Oh, yes. It is, yeah. - Look at that moustache.
0:41:03 > 0:41:04"Good God!
0:41:06 > 0:41:08"I can't marry you, but I'm going to have a bloody good go."
0:41:08 > 0:41:10LAUGHTER
0:41:13 > 0:41:15"The things I can do with this moustache,
0:41:15 > 0:41:17- "you wouldn't believe, madam." - "Extraordinary."
0:41:17 > 0:41:21"Ooh, oooh!"
0:41:21 > 0:41:25"You can actually play hoopla with this moustache."
0:41:25 > 0:41:27"And once I bring the pipe into play...
0:41:29 > 0:41:31"..you'll be begging for mercy."
0:41:31 > 0:41:33"Ooh, ho-ah!"
0:41:33 > 0:41:37The only country we could find where it is true that the captain
0:41:37 > 0:41:39- can marry is Japan.- Japan.- Yeah.
0:41:39 > 0:41:42But the couple has to be Japanese, as well.
0:41:42 > 0:41:44- The captain can if the couple is Japanese.- All right.
0:41:44 > 0:41:48He's punching above his weight, that fella, isn't he? Blimey.
0:41:48 > 0:41:51Aren't they the ones that were in McDonald's earlier?
0:41:51 > 0:41:52I think they do look like it,
0:41:52 > 0:41:54we may have just put the different backdrop on.
0:41:54 > 0:41:58- I think you have.- The horrible truth. I think it's right, yeah.
0:41:58 > 0:42:02A ship's captain is no more qualified to marry you than I am.
0:42:02 > 0:42:05So, to the scores. Oh, my actual.
0:42:05 > 0:42:09Well, in first place, the blindingly, anagrammatically,
0:42:09 > 0:42:11factually gifted Jo Brand with seven points!
0:42:11 > 0:42:14APPLAUSE
0:42:14 > 0:42:16Well done, Jo.
0:42:16 > 0:42:19Plus 7, that's a rare plus.
0:42:19 > 0:42:24In second place, what a debut, with minus 4, it's Greg.
0:42:24 > 0:42:27Well done, Greg Davies. APPLAUSE
0:42:30 > 0:42:33In third place, with a mighty minus 13, is Bill Bailey.
0:42:33 > 0:42:36APPLAUSE
0:42:39 > 0:42:41But never knowingly out-hopelessed,
0:42:41 > 0:42:43with minus 32, is Alan Davies.
0:42:43 > 0:42:45APPLAUSE
0:42:50 > 0:42:53It only remains for me to thank Greg, Bill, Jo and Alan.
0:42:53 > 0:42:57And I leave you with this wise old adage off a bumper sticker.
0:42:57 > 0:42:58"Marriage is like a hurricane,
0:42:58 > 0:43:01"it starts with all that sucking and blowing,
0:43:01 > 0:43:03"and, in the end, you lose your house."
0:43:03 > 0:43:05Goodnight. APPLAUSE