0:00:03 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:27 > 0:00:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:35Good evening!
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:37 > 0:00:42and welcome to QI, for the middle show of the M series,
0:00:42 > 0:00:44which is in the middle of the alphabet,
0:00:44 > 0:00:49where our theme is, well, not so much middle as muddle, to be honest.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52But we have the magnificent Aisling Bea.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55CHEERING
0:00:55 > 0:00:58The mighty Danny Bhoy.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01CHEERING
0:01:01 > 0:01:04The magnetic Jimmy Carr.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06CHEERING
0:01:06 > 0:01:10And the miscellaneous Alan Davies.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13CHEERING
0:01:14 > 0:01:18And their buzzers are merrily multifarious.
0:01:18 > 0:01:19Aisling goes...
0:01:19 > 0:01:21- CHILD:- # Here we go round the mulberry bush
0:01:21 > 0:01:24# The mulberry bush The mulberry bush. #
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Danny goes...
0:01:26 > 0:01:28- CHILD:- # This old man, he played one
0:01:28 > 0:01:31# He played knick knack on my drum. #
0:01:31 > 0:01:32Jimmy goes...
0:01:32 > 0:01:35- CHILDREN:- # Three blind mice
0:01:35 > 0:01:38# Three blind mice. #
0:01:38 > 0:01:41It's like the soundtrack of a horror film.
0:01:41 > 0:01:42And Alan goes...
0:01:42 > 0:01:44- CHILD:- # My Bonnie lies over... #
0:01:44 > 0:01:45- BANG ON DOOR - Will you go to bed?!
0:01:45 > 0:01:47DOOR SLAMS
0:01:47 > 0:01:50- Was that a gunshot?- I don't know.
0:01:50 > 0:01:51The bit at the end, yes.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Well, the best place to start, I always think, is in the middle.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58How do you know when a chimpanzee is having a midlife crisis?
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Does it get a Chinese tattoo?
0:02:04 > 0:02:06- Just on the back of his neck there. - A motorbike.
0:02:06 > 0:02:07A motorbike?
0:02:07 > 0:02:09KLAXON BLARES
0:02:14 > 0:02:17APPLAUSE
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Where does the phrase "midlife crisis" come from?
0:02:19 > 0:02:21How long has it been in the language, do you think?
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Do you think the Victorians used it? Do you think...?
0:02:23 > 0:02:26- I bet it's more recent. I bet it's like a '50s...- Yeah.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30Cos it was about buying sports cars and doing those kind of crazy...
0:02:30 > 0:02:32divorcing your wife and going out with someone of 22.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34It was actually 1965
0:02:34 > 0:02:38that a psychologist decided on this midlife crisis.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41He thought that only geniuses got a midlife crisis.
0:02:41 > 0:02:42He used the phrase,
0:02:42 > 0:02:45but he said it was something that happened to geniuses.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48- But we...- It's not only us. It's not only us.
0:02:48 > 0:02:49Is it, Alan? You get them too.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52- Yeah.- Yeah. LAUGHTER
0:02:52 > 0:02:54I went to my...
0:02:54 > 0:02:56I went to my doctor and I said,
0:02:56 > 0:02:59"I hate the West and I want all the infidels dead,"
0:02:59 > 0:03:03and he said, "Don't worry, you're just going through a midlife Isis."
0:03:03 > 0:03:06LAUGHTER
0:03:06 > 0:03:10Of course, they might be in the Olympics by the time this goes out!
0:03:10 > 0:03:14That would be an extraordinary turnaround of fortune for them.
0:03:14 > 0:03:18- I think, in the next World Cup, Fifa would take them.- What, Isis?!
0:03:18 > 0:03:21- Yeah, of course.- Yeah, they would be in England's group.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Group of death!
0:03:25 > 0:03:28That is supposedly a man in a midlife crisis.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31If he's in a midlife crisis, he's going to live to 300, which is...
0:03:31 > 0:03:33The awkward thing about midlife crises,
0:03:33 > 0:03:36I've had some friends that have gone through them recently
0:03:36 > 0:03:39and they've left their partners, gone out with much younger women
0:03:39 > 0:03:41and they've bought sports cars, and the most difficult thing
0:03:41 > 0:03:43is pretending to my other half that,
0:03:43 > 0:03:45"Aw! That's terrible. Isn't it sad?"
0:03:48 > 0:03:51"Aw, ah. God, he's had a disaster there.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54"Yeah. No, apparently she used to be a dancer. Yeah."
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Yeah. LAUGHTER
0:03:57 > 0:03:59He's not... But is he happy?
0:03:59 > 0:04:00Aw.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Yes.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04He can't stop smiling.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07He showed me some photos on his phone, it looks amazing.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12Well, it turns out that chimpanzees, when they're young, they're high
0:04:12 > 0:04:15and when they get to middle age, they kind of go down
0:04:15 > 0:04:17and then up again, which is supposedly what a midlife crisis is.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Does it only affect the men, or does it affect the women chimps as well?
0:04:20 > 0:04:23It seems to be a male thing, doesn't it? And I think...
0:04:23 > 0:04:24Yeah. I hear that, sister monkeys.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Are those guys laughing at the ginger ones?
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Well, the tests were done on the ginger ones,
0:04:31 > 0:04:34or orang-utans, as some people prefer to call them...
0:04:34 > 0:04:37- The ginger ones, yes. - ..and on the chimpanzees.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39There are some well-known examples
0:04:39 > 0:04:41of people in middle age doing extraordinary things.
0:04:41 > 0:04:46- Henry VIII was 35... - Is he 35 in that picture?
0:04:46 > 0:04:48I think, in that picture, he's a little older.
0:04:48 > 0:04:53- His reaction to a midlife crisis was pretty extreme.- Well, it was.
0:04:53 > 0:04:58He fell for a younger woman when he was 35, called Anne Boleyn,
0:04:58 > 0:05:02- and as a result, broke with... - Catherine of Aragon.- ..Rome.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Well, he broke with her as well, that's true.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07He divorced her against the Pope's wishes.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Well, she didn't give him an heir, did she? It's her own fault!
0:05:10 > 0:05:12LAUGHTER
0:05:12 > 0:05:16She should have magicked him up a boy. She was a failure.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18He had a boy, though, but he was a bastard, wasn't he?
0:05:18 > 0:05:21- Couldn't be King.- No. - So, he had some messy break-ups.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25He had messy break-ups, but 35, that was the year he really pushed it out.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28You know, he broke with Rome, founded his own church. And...
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Who else is there? Well, Jesus and Buddha.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Would you call Jesus's a midlife crisis?
0:05:34 > 0:05:36- DANNY:- He died when he was 33,
0:05:36 > 0:05:38- so when was his midlife crisis? - Well, in his 30s.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41I mean, before he was 30, he didn't really do anything.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43But what about Buddha? I mean, there was the weight gain.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47LAUGHTER
0:05:47 > 0:05:50- From Siddhartha to a big potbellied thing.- Yeah, I think that's the...
0:05:50 > 0:05:52That's the middle-age thing, isn't it?
0:05:52 > 0:05:54You just get into box sets and...
0:05:54 > 0:05:57a bit more takeout, twice a week, it's not good for you.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00But he didn't become the Buddha until he was in his 40s, about 48.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03- What was his name before that? Frank?- Maybe, well, 30s.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05So there's still a chance for me, is there?
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Well, no-one really knows what these things are about,
0:06:07 > 0:06:09except that it does seem to be a pattern with men.
0:06:09 > 0:06:15Now, what mania was started by a few myopic Merseysiders?
0:06:15 > 0:06:17- # Mulberry bush. # - Weirdly, you know...
0:06:17 > 0:06:18- Yeah?- No, keep going.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Does this buzzer stop Jimmy speaking? Try again.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23LAUGHTER
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Say something.
0:06:25 > 0:06:26- I was just going to say... - # Mulberry bush. #
0:06:26 > 0:06:29AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:06:29 > 0:06:30There's some support for it.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:32 > 0:06:34I find the buzzers really disconcerting.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37It does feel like someone's about to get murdered in the show.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41- "Oh, go to bed!" - LAUGHTER
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Those childish ghost cries.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45# Mice. #
0:06:47 > 0:06:49It's usually The Beatles.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51- Hmm.- Isn't it?
0:06:51 > 0:06:52Yeah, it's usually The Beatles.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55- The Beatles is what you're saying. - It's usually The Beatles.
0:06:55 > 0:06:56He's saying The Beatles.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59- KLAXON BLARES - # Mulberry bush. #
0:07:01 > 0:07:02Very good.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04No, is the answer.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07- Oh.- It was a mania, but not Beatlemania on Merseyside.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10- Myopic Merseyside. - It involves something to do with M.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12- Myopic is short-sighted, is it?- Yes.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14- Partially-sighted. - So, what M could help you
0:07:14 > 0:07:15with partial-sightedness?
0:07:15 > 0:07:18- My glasses. - LAUGHTER
0:07:20 > 0:07:21Yes.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Any particular type of ophthalmic instrument
0:07:24 > 0:07:26- that would help, that began with M? - Monocle.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Monocle is the right answer. There we go, very good.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Yeah.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33APPLAUSE
0:07:38 > 0:07:40I only knew that cos there happens to be a monocle next to me.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43It was a bit of a giveaway.
0:07:43 > 0:07:44There you are, pop them in.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47It was a fashion thing that seemed to sweep Liverpool.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49I can imagine it taking off again, to be honest.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51- You do look great. - You look very good.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53- Ah, Jimmy! - LAUGHTER
0:07:53 > 0:07:55- Oh, my goodness. - My old pal.
0:07:55 > 0:07:56What are you laughing at?
0:07:58 > 0:08:02Jimmy, you've never looked more like a ventriloquist's doll in your life.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04LAUGHTER
0:08:06 > 0:08:08So, Jimmy...
0:08:08 > 0:08:11SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER
0:08:11 > 0:08:15Oh, my! You really did look like Lord Charles there.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17HE LAUGHS
0:08:17 > 0:08:19I now feel slightly haunted.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Wow! Thank you for putting your hand there, by the way.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24It was really...special.
0:08:24 > 0:08:25Your hair is all up.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28They won't fit because monocles had to be made to fit,
0:08:28 > 0:08:30which is why they were expensive.
0:08:30 > 0:08:31And because they were expensive,
0:08:31 > 0:08:35they were associated with the upper classes.
0:08:35 > 0:08:36And even when you wear them,
0:08:36 > 0:08:39it's very hard not to look rather kind of like that, isn't it?
0:08:39 > 0:08:41At what point in history did someone just go,
0:08:41 > 0:08:43make that mental leap between,
0:08:43 > 0:08:47"I've got it here and I've got a little bridge here.
0:08:47 > 0:08:48"I could maybe just put another one..."
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Well, it's funny you should say that.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Which came first, the monocle or the spectacles?
0:08:52 > 0:08:54I'm going to say the spectacles.
0:08:54 > 0:08:55Yes. The spectacles, by hundreds of years.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57- What?- When do you think the monocle came in?
0:08:57 > 0:08:591974.
0:09:00 > 0:09:06No. They came in in the 1800s and they were instantly a success,
0:09:06 > 0:09:07but they were expensive.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10And we associate them with, I suppose...
0:09:10 > 0:09:14- Oh, there I am. - DANNY:- Yeah. There you are, yeah.
0:09:14 > 0:09:15I had all three of those.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17- DANNY:- They knocked that up pretty quickly.- Yeah.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19But something gave them a rather bad image
0:09:19 > 0:09:22- in the 20th century. - Californian vegetables.- Nazis.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Nazis, and in fact... LAUGHTER
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Californian vegetables.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Buy Californian vegetables.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34- By Jove, they're awfully good. - LAUGHTER
0:09:34 > 0:09:37- Yeah, they were associated with... - You do become instantly posh.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39..aristocrats, German soldiers and generals.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Ludendorff wore one, Krebs, various of those figures there did.
0:09:42 > 0:09:43Ja.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Advance.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47- They really did never stop... - No squinting.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49- ..trying to look more evil, did they?- No, they didn't.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Well, what could we add to this?
0:09:51 > 0:09:53I've got the, you know, the skull and crossbones,
0:09:53 > 0:09:56I've got the weird look, I've got the steely eyes.
0:09:56 > 0:09:57They're a very good fit.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59I know, I'll put one spectacle lens over here.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01- GERMAN ACCENT:- What about a monocle?
0:10:01 > 0:10:05Zat would make us more evil. A tiny moustache.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07So, who are the famous monocle wearers that you can name?
0:10:07 > 0:10:10- Patrick Moore.- That's one. Good.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13- Goebbels.- No, he didn't have one.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15- Hitler.- Hitler!
0:10:15 > 0:10:19It would have set him off lovely, but no, he didn't. He didn't.
0:10:19 > 0:10:20Mr Peanut, from the peanuts.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Yes, that's right, the Planters peanuts, Mr Peanuts.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Can anyone think of any?
0:10:24 > 0:10:27- AUDIENCE MEMBERS SHOUT OUT - Terry-Thomas, we had Terry-Thomas.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30- No, I don't think he did. - Bad luck, you're out.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33- Did Churchill ever wear one? - Churchill, no...
0:10:33 > 0:10:34- Jesus?- Erich von Stroheim.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37- Jesus?!- Jesus wore one.- Jesus!
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Chris Eubank.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44- Chris Eubank!- Of course! - It doesn't count
0:10:44 > 0:10:48if you're driving a monster truck through Brighton at the time.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51There was a very peculiar thing that started in 1902,
0:10:51 > 0:10:54which was the New York Times, whether as a joke originally,
0:10:54 > 0:10:58but it seems to have become one because it is so preposterous,
0:10:58 > 0:11:01is they keep predicting the return of the monocle,
0:11:01 > 0:11:04so in 1902, they said it was going to come back,
0:11:04 > 0:11:07then in 1936 the reported that more than 20 British MPs had one.
0:11:07 > 0:11:111941, they found that monocle sales were up 50%
0:11:11 > 0:11:13but then they dropped again because...
0:11:13 > 0:11:15That was a pair of glasses, it turned out.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21But the war, the association with Nazis then sort of dropped the sales
0:11:21 > 0:11:24and then in 1970, the New York Times again
0:11:24 > 0:11:29reported sales had risen by 50%, quoted a Bond Street optician.
0:11:29 > 0:11:30If I ran an opticians,
0:11:30 > 0:11:33I'd make them do the shop sign in a really blurry font.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40Even as recently as 2014, the New York Times again reported
0:11:40 > 0:11:45on a comeback in cities as diverse as Manhattan and Cape Town and Berlin.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48I like that the association with Nazis made it drop,
0:11:48 > 0:11:51- made it fall, the sales. - Encouraging, yes.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54You mentioned the Beatles and, of course, there was a myopic Beatle.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56- John Lennon.- John Lennon.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58His glasses.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01- LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT:- I've never worn a monocle in me life,
0:12:01 > 0:12:03it was only glasses, only ever worn glasses.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07But he was very, very short-sighted,
0:12:07 > 0:12:10so much so that if he didn't wear his glasses,
0:12:10 > 0:12:12he would be qualified as blind.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14That explains Yoko Ono!
0:12:14 > 0:12:16AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Now!
0:12:18 > 0:12:21APPLAUSE
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Why am I clapping? That's dreadful!
0:12:26 > 0:12:31Another great figure from the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame
0:12:31 > 0:12:34- who died famously young... - Buddy Holly.
0:12:34 > 0:12:35Buddy Holly, yes.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Oh, was he FLYING the plane?!
0:12:37 > 0:12:40LAUGHTER
0:12:40 > 0:12:43APPLAUSE
0:12:45 > 0:12:49That's it, when they found the black box, it was just him going,
0:12:49 > 0:12:50"Can I have a go?"
0:12:50 > 0:12:54And the Big Bopper going, "No, Buddy!
0:12:54 > 0:12:56"You're bli-i-i-i-i-i-ind!"
0:12:56 > 0:13:00He couldn't read the top line of an eye-test chart.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04He obviously famously wore glasses too, as many do.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07But there you are. Now for a medical question.
0:13:07 > 0:13:14What malady could you ameliorate by standing in the middle of Wales?
0:13:14 > 0:13:16- Yes?- Er, Moby Dick.
0:13:18 > 0:13:19Ha!
0:13:19 > 0:13:21- Stand in the middle of whales. - Moby Dick!
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Ah.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27Oh, very good. Very good. APPLAUSE
0:13:27 > 0:13:29- Very good.- Whales or Wales the country, though?
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Well, you see, this is the thing.
0:13:31 > 0:13:32Not whale, the giant mammal.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34You kind of deserve a little point for your Moby Dick.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36- Oh, do I?- Because I am actually talking...
0:13:36 > 0:13:38If you stood in the middle of a blue whale...
0:13:40 > 0:13:43I know you're obsessed, but it doesn't have to be blue.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Yeah, but let's say it's blue.
0:13:46 > 0:13:47All right, blue. All right blue.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Because you know you can stand in one of those.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51- You can?- They're huge.
0:13:51 > 0:13:52Yeah.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54They are quite big, aren't they?
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Of course, they're not the biggest life form on earth, as you know.
0:13:57 > 0:13:58Hell no!
0:13:58 > 0:14:01Sorry, are we doing a "best of" show?
0:14:02 > 0:14:03In some ways, it's the "worst of".
0:14:03 > 0:14:06You two have had this conversation like a million times.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09What's the question again, Stephen?
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Yeah, what sort of amelioration for what sort of malady
0:14:11 > 0:14:13could you expect, if you stood...
0:14:13 > 0:14:15A cream, an ointment? Some...a balm.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18No. No, this is...the act of standing,
0:14:18 > 0:14:20it's not something that's just taken from a whale.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23This is an example. This is in 1896 or thereabouts.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25- This is an Australian... - Is that a dead whale?
0:14:25 > 0:14:29A drunken Australian found a dead whale on the beach...
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Just say Australian, you don't need to beleaguer.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35- I knew you'd say that. - Is that him there?
0:14:35 > 0:14:39Yeah, that's him. ..and decided to walk into the whale.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42That looks like something from Embarrassing Bodies, doesn't it?
0:14:42 > 0:14:43It does a bit.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46- AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:- "I've put on a little bit of weight."
0:14:46 > 0:14:48- AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:- "I've fallen into a bloody whale."
0:14:48 > 0:14:50LAUGHTER
0:14:50 > 0:14:53"I thought a blowhole meant something else.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57"I feel like a bloody fool now."
0:14:57 > 0:15:00"I'll look for a malady and ameliorate it."
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Just the kind of language you'd use.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05But no, he got out of the whale...
0:15:05 > 0:15:06He got out, he stank.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08..and was amazed to discover...
0:15:08 > 0:15:09He could walk.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12LAUGHTER
0:15:12 > 0:15:13- That his...- He was sober.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15..his rheumatism had disappeared.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18We'd never have got that. We could have been here about a week.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20I know. That's why I helped you out.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23- Thank you so much. - So it cures rheumatism?
0:15:23 > 0:15:26- Well...- But I mean, you can't get them at the chemist, can you?
0:15:26 > 0:15:28No, you can't. It started a fad, though. People...
0:15:28 > 0:15:31- Would go and stand in the middle of dead whales?- Yeah.
0:15:31 > 0:15:32And whalers would leave a hole,
0:15:32 > 0:15:35a little, sort of, area for people who would pay
0:15:35 > 0:15:37and go and stand inside.
0:15:37 > 0:15:41And the decaying blubber would act as a kind of poultice.
0:15:41 > 0:15:42- Is there any kind of...? - I want to go now.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45- No.- Total...- No evidence that it works at all.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48But it was just one of those fads that they had in those days.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50- What a fun fad.- A fun fad.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52- These days we've got... - Imagine if the monocle people went
0:15:52 > 0:15:55and they were standing there like, "Oh, I'm all for a fad now.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57"Here I am with my monocle, sat in a whale.
0:15:57 > 0:15:58"I'll do anything, me."
0:15:58 > 0:16:02- But rheumatism, what is rheumatism? - I don't know.- No.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05- That's a very good answer. - Aches and pain.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Yes, pain in the joints is often called rheumatism,
0:16:07 > 0:16:10but it covers up to 200 different conditions
0:16:10 > 0:16:12and rheumatologists are real doctors,
0:16:12 > 0:16:15but rheumatism... There isn't one rheumatism.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17There are all kinds of autoimmune things that happen
0:16:17 > 0:16:20to affect the joints and the muscles.
0:16:20 > 0:16:24And there are all kinds of things people take for it
0:16:24 > 0:16:25that aren't necessarily any use.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Copper bracelets, for example.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29You can pay up to £200 for a copper bracelet.
0:16:29 > 0:16:33There was a rheumatologist who said, "Yes, you can pay £5 for one as well
0:16:33 > 0:16:34"and you go just as green."
0:16:34 > 0:16:37Well, yeah, that's it really.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Australians with rheumatism had a whale of a time.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44What would you find in a medieval manhole?
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Do they keep their favourite things in it?
0:16:48 > 0:16:52Do they bury them in case of marauding pillagers?
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Is it like a priest-hole? Like a hidey-place?
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Well, you really would have to know about this...
0:16:57 > 0:17:01- I've never heard the phrase "priest..."- Priest-hole?
0:17:01 > 0:17:04- You don't have them in Ireland, of course!- Well, we kind of do,
0:17:04 > 0:17:07- but we don't talk about it. - No, the priest-hole would be...
0:17:07 > 0:17:09You would hide your Catholics
0:17:09 > 0:17:12- in behind the fireplace in a secret little...- Priest-hole!
0:17:12 > 0:17:16During the time of Queen Elizabeth, Catholics had quite a hard time of it
0:17:16 > 0:17:19and people who kept their Catholic faith
0:17:19 > 0:17:21had priests who came to minister them
0:17:21 > 0:17:25and, in the bigger houses, they put little holes, sliding panels,
0:17:25 > 0:17:27tiny places for the priest to hide
0:17:27 > 0:17:30in case the army came round in order to arrest them
0:17:30 > 0:17:33and to catch them in the act of being all Catholic.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35- Yeah.- So those were the priest-holes.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38- They'd catch them having loads of children.- Yeah!
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Wow, I'd never heard of that before.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42We're actually in the Germanic regions here.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Obviously, there was no Germany in medieval times, but...
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Is it access to drains?
0:17:47 > 0:17:51Ah, no. It's a legal issue. It's a rather bizarre one.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54If a man wanted to take another man to court,
0:17:54 > 0:17:58in Germany and in England, they used trial by battle.
0:17:58 > 0:17:59This is from Game Of Thrones!
0:17:59 > 0:18:02This is clearly from Game Of Thrones.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05In England, if a man wanted to take a woman to court,
0:18:05 > 0:18:07he couldn't use trial by battle.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09But in Germany, you could,
0:18:09 > 0:18:12but you had to dig a hole and be inside a hole
0:18:12 > 0:18:14and tie one arm behind your back...
0:18:14 > 0:18:16- LAUGHTER - Oh, yeah.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18- No way!- ..and then you could fight.
0:18:18 > 0:18:19- Yeah.- Yeah.- I like that.
0:18:19 > 0:18:23- But what if you were fighting Brienne of Tarth?- Bring it back!
0:18:23 > 0:18:25I feel like on this panel show,
0:18:25 > 0:18:28I should be stood up like this and all of you should be down there,
0:18:28 > 0:18:31- and I'm slashing around me jokes. - LAUGHTER
0:18:31 > 0:18:33There were certain other rules as well.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35The man would be given three clubs
0:18:35 > 0:18:37with which he could, you know, try and hit the woman.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40And the woman would have rocks and a slingshot.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44- Now...- Did this actually happen, or...?
0:18:44 > 0:18:46- Yes. Oh gosh, yes.- Really?
0:18:46 > 0:18:47That should be surely be the other way on.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49He should have the slingshot and the rocks,
0:18:49 > 0:18:50if he's just stuck in a hole.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53- Yeah, I know. It's strange. - She can stand back quite a way
0:18:53 > 0:18:56- and just fire at him.- With stones.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58I imagine then, I suppose,
0:18:58 > 0:19:00you can get right down in your hole, can't you?
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Yeah. And just go round like that, with a club.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05If the man touched the side of his hole...
0:19:05 > 0:19:08- Oh, that's... - LAUGHTER
0:19:08 > 0:19:09You know what I mean.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12If he touched the side of the hole, he forfeited one of his clubs.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15- Right. - And then he only had two clubs left.
0:19:15 > 0:19:16But it's important to remember,
0:19:16 > 0:19:19whoever lost the battle would be put to death.
0:19:20 > 0:19:21So this is quite a serious thing.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24They've already sort of dug the grave, so it's all right.
0:19:24 > 0:19:25- Yes, that's true.- It's not as bad.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27- Pop them in there, fill it in, we're done.- Yeah.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30- That's extraordinary. - Isn't it?- Yeah.
0:19:30 > 0:19:31- Yeah.- Anyway...
0:19:31 > 0:19:32That's what I love about this show,
0:19:32 > 0:19:35that sometimes we can all just go, "Yeah, fine."
0:19:35 > 0:19:38- Indeed.- Perfectly lovely. - That's quite interesting, yeah.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Still on the medieval match-ups,
0:19:40 > 0:19:44what brilliant new strategy was employed by the England team
0:19:44 > 0:19:48in the European Championships of 1176?
0:19:51 > 0:19:52Did they just do what they always do -
0:19:52 > 0:19:54get a really easy qualifying group?
0:19:54 > 0:19:57And Scotland got, you know,
0:19:57 > 0:20:00- the Holy Roman Empire. - LAUGHTER
0:20:00 > 0:20:02The Knights Templar and Spain.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06And England...England get Lindisfarne.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Did they... Did they dig holes?
0:20:09 > 0:20:13And they stood in the holes and waited for the other team to... No?
0:20:13 > 0:20:16- KLAXON BLARES - Come on!
0:20:16 > 0:20:19APPLAUSE
0:20:22 > 0:20:24This is medieval again,
0:20:24 > 0:20:27and it's early medieval, I suppose you might say.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30It's not football, though, is it? It must be another...
0:20:30 > 0:20:32- No, it's not football.- Jousting?
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Jousting came later.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37- What happened in early medieval... - They need more space for that.
0:20:37 > 0:20:38..was that.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40I know, they do, don't they? It's rather crowded.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42They're not getting enough of a run-up.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Yeah. Before jousting, the two with lances, you know,
0:20:45 > 0:20:47riding towards each other,
0:20:47 > 0:20:50there was something, which was a French word
0:20:50 > 0:20:53that we still use to mean a kind of fray.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55- It begins with M.- Menagerie.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Not a menagerie. LAUGHTER
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Menage a trois.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02A European menage a trois.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07- Melee.- Yes! A melee is what it was.
0:21:08 > 0:21:09Well done.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14The original cast of Avatar in a melee.
0:21:17 > 0:21:18And we're looking at the 12th century,
0:21:18 > 0:21:21- and the great king then was... - Henry II.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24- Followed by his son, Richard I, the Lionheart.- Oh, right.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28And they liked this melee when Richard wasn't out at the Crusades.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30- "I like it."- And...
0:21:30 > 0:21:33"I do. It pleaseth me."
0:21:33 > 0:21:37And they saw this very good trick and they copied it.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39And that is, you tell them you're not going to fight today.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41You know, "I won't do the melee today."
0:21:41 > 0:21:42And they go, "Oh, OK."
0:21:42 > 0:21:45And then they exhaust each other. And then you come with your lot saying,
0:21:45 > 0:21:46"I think I will actually."
0:21:46 > 0:21:49And they're all completely tired, and you win.
0:21:49 > 0:21:50What do you mean they exhaust each other?
0:21:50 > 0:21:53Well, because they're running backwards and forwards at each other,
0:21:53 > 0:21:56- running and running. - This is how I do a menage a trois.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59I let them go for a while and then I come in late.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03They stole the idea off Philip of Flanders
0:22:03 > 0:22:05and it seemed to work pretty well.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07The sport is called melee and it's similar to jousting?
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Well, the reason jousting then took on,
0:22:09 > 0:22:12as you can see from the picture, this involves a lot all at once,
0:22:12 > 0:22:14whereas jousting is cheaper.
0:22:14 > 0:22:15- Ah, I see.- It's simply that.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17It was so much cheaper to have that.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20And you've got champions at the jousting
0:22:20 > 0:22:21who appeal to the ladies.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23You know, the handkerchiefs and the favours
0:22:23 > 0:22:27and the rather extraordinary elaborate form of romance.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29It's kind of funny that that would appeal to ladies.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32It's kind of like the version now for men for The Only Way Is Essex.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35- That you don't actually know what someone looks like...- Yes!
0:22:35 > 0:22:37..because they've got so much fancy stuff and extensions on.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39You're like, "Oh, he's gorgeous. Look at him!
0:22:39 > 0:22:41"I really like the look of him."
0:22:41 > 0:22:42Then he takes off his thing at the end
0:22:42 > 0:22:44and you're like, "Oh, God!
0:22:44 > 0:22:45"Maybe I don't like him."
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Going round in a miniskirt with a massive pole in your hand.
0:22:48 > 0:22:49- Yeah. - LAUGHTER
0:22:49 > 0:22:51The chicks go wild.
0:22:52 > 0:22:57Well, the first rule of knight club was to cheat.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Now, for a question about moral turpitude.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04What morally questionable activity will you finally be able to do
0:23:04 > 0:23:07on the streets of Knutsford in 2015?
0:23:08 > 0:23:11- Is the clue in the picture, Stephen? - Sort of, yeah.
0:23:11 > 0:23:12Does it involve nuts?
0:23:12 > 0:23:14No. Sadly not.
0:23:14 > 0:23:15Does it involve bunting?
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Nor bunting. And look lower down.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19What is there particularly noticeable?
0:23:19 > 0:23:21- Terrible shoes.- Oh. Look at them, oh.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23- Very bad shoes.- Yeah.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26- The road.- Pavement's...- Parking. Double yellow lines.
0:23:26 > 0:23:27The pavement.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29- What about the pavement? - It's small, very narrow.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31It's a very narrow pavement. Thank you, Danny.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33- It is a narrow pavement. - You can't have that.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35There's a reason for the narrow pavement.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37- Because...- Those two people are massive.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40LAUGHTER
0:23:41 > 0:23:43In the olden days...
0:23:43 > 0:23:47- Yeah?- A certain class of person virtually ruled the roost in Britain
0:23:47 > 0:23:50- and that was an aristocrat. - Oh, the bastards.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Yes. Absolutely shocking people.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55And you had to throw yourself into the gutter if one approached you.
0:23:55 > 0:23:59Well, sometimes they had strong, stern and absurd moral views.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02- And...- Oh, so they weren't allowed to walk...- Well, yes.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04- If you imagine...- ..side by side?
0:24:04 > 0:24:06ARISTOCRATIC VOICE: "I'm not having the working classes
0:24:06 > 0:24:09"next to each other in the street
0:24:09 > 0:24:11"cos it can only lead to touching."
0:24:11 > 0:24:14I know you think you're doing a voice, but that is how you talk.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:20 > 0:24:21There's no difference.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Like a hair's breadth.
0:24:25 > 0:24:26You are a beast.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31Voicing the inner workings of the mind.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34So, you weren't allowed to walk hand-in-hand with a lady?
0:24:34 > 0:24:35You could just walk behind her?
0:24:35 > 0:24:37- Basically, yeah.- I'm happy with that.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Well, Lady Jane Stanley,
0:24:39 > 0:24:41who was the daughter of the 11th Earl of Derby,
0:24:41 > 0:24:45- and she laid down this strict code of...- Single-file pavement...
0:24:45 > 0:24:48- Single-file pavements.- ..in case they touched one another.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50- Yes. She died unmarried, as you might expect.- Yeah!
0:24:50 > 0:24:53She wrote her own epitaph, apparently, which is,
0:24:53 > 0:24:59"A maid I lived and a maid I died. I never was asked and never denied."
0:24:59 > 0:25:01I think that's not bad, considering she was dead.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Yes, quite.
0:25:03 > 0:25:04Fair enough.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07But perhaps the most famous prude of his era was a little later,
0:25:07 > 0:25:10in the 1870s - a fellow called Anthony Comstock.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Comstock was from New York
0:25:12 > 0:25:16and founded a league against lewdness of any kind.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18He saw it everywhere. He hated it.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22He'd been in the Civil War, didn't like the swearing, apparently.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25- Yeah, that's the worst thing about war.- Yes, I know.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Especially that Civil War, you know? I mean...
0:25:28 > 0:25:30"They've blown my fucking leg off!"
0:25:30 > 0:25:32"Now, now - language."
0:25:32 > 0:25:34"I'm going to fucking kill you."
0:25:34 > 0:25:36"Please, could you just kill me? Thank you."
0:25:36 > 0:25:39But the particular tragedy that struck him in 1873,
0:25:39 > 0:25:40after the war,
0:25:40 > 0:25:43was a friend of his - who was addicted to pornography - died,
0:25:43 > 0:25:47supposedly having masturbated himself to death.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50LAUGHTER
0:25:50 > 0:25:52There's a lesson in there, Jimmy.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54I'm happy to report, Stephen, that cannot happen.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58You're just not trying hard enough, boy.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00HE LAUGHS
0:26:00 > 0:26:01I thought you looked pale, Jimmy.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Comstock believed that anyway.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Yes, he founded the New York Society for the Suppression of Vice
0:26:06 > 0:26:08and for nine years in its height, from the '70s to early '80s,
0:26:08 > 0:26:13the society was responsible for 700 arrests, 333 prison sentences.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16So, almost a 50% success rate on its arrests.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19And fines totalling 65,000, which was a heck of a lot then.
0:26:19 > 0:26:23The seizure of roughly 65,000 articles as well.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Articles for immoral use of rubber, etc.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28LAUGHTER
0:26:29 > 0:26:33I saw some ancient pornography once. Someone... There was a book...
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Scraping the barrel that day, were you?
0:26:36 > 0:26:39- "There's nothing left I haven't seen!"- No, no,
0:26:39 > 0:26:41someone was writing a paper, at college,
0:26:41 > 0:26:42on the history of pornography
0:26:42 > 0:26:45and it was kind of the earliest pornographic sort of photographs
0:26:45 > 0:26:48and it was just a guy standing... leaning on a fireplace,
0:26:48 > 0:26:52but clearly they had only had their photo taken in certain poses,
0:26:52 > 0:26:54so they thought, "Well, I guess that's how photos work,"
0:26:54 > 0:26:56so he had a pipe on
0:26:56 > 0:26:59and all the usual porn stuff was going on, but...
0:27:00 > 0:27:02I think it's rather wonderful.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Are you sure you're not describing the album cover
0:27:04 > 0:27:06of Bing Crosby's Christmas Hits?
0:27:07 > 0:27:09The X-rated version!
0:27:11 > 0:27:13As late as 1927 they were still going
0:27:13 > 0:27:15and they managed, reprehensibly,
0:27:15 > 0:27:18to shut down Mae West's Broadway play, Sex,
0:27:18 > 0:27:20and had her imprisoned for ten days.
0:27:20 > 0:27:21Really?
0:27:21 > 0:27:24There was the Comstock Law, which made it a federal offence
0:27:24 > 0:27:28to send obscene matter - for example, contraceptives - through the post.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31It was finally overturned in '36 in the wonderfully named case of
0:27:31 > 0:27:36United States versus One Package of Japanese Pessaries.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39LAUGHTER
0:27:39 > 0:27:41The US was always going to win that one.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43It was, wasn't it? I think so.
0:27:43 > 0:27:47I've never had...I've never had, in 14 years,
0:27:47 > 0:27:50people eating sweets in the front row.
0:27:50 > 0:27:51What the hell?!
0:27:51 > 0:27:53And I can't think about anything else.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56LAUGHTER
0:28:05 > 0:28:07Thanks, Jimmy.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09You can have them back at the end of the lesson.
0:28:11 > 0:28:12I feel really bad for those people,
0:28:12 > 0:28:15because, obviously, you're just sat there watching an episode of QI,
0:28:15 > 0:28:17and then suddenly the telly gets up...
0:28:17 > 0:28:21LAUGHTER
0:28:21 > 0:28:23..and nicks your sweets.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27"I didn't press the red button, what's going on?"
0:28:27 > 0:28:30LAUGHTER
0:28:30 > 0:28:34Anyway, what did the French do with marmosets
0:28:34 > 0:28:36that normal people did with cheese?
0:28:36 > 0:28:39LAUGHTER
0:28:41 > 0:28:44- I have no memory of that whatsoever. - That's Alan!
0:28:44 > 0:28:46Oh, we all remember our student days.
0:28:48 > 0:28:49Forget the marmoset.
0:28:49 > 0:28:52- Right, forget the marmoset.- I say "normal people" do with cheese?
0:28:52 > 0:28:54- What do we do with cheese? - I put it on bread or crackers.
0:28:54 > 0:28:57Put it in the back of the fridge for six months, then chuck it out.
0:28:57 > 0:28:59Think laterally.
0:28:59 > 0:29:01Not the substance, not the food even.
0:29:01 > 0:29:02What else is there?
0:29:02 > 0:29:05- Cheese.- Oh, not...not on some sort of, no...
0:29:05 > 0:29:07- No, don't.- Oh, Jimmy.
0:29:07 > 0:29:09Not the substance.
0:29:09 > 0:29:11Not any substance at all.
0:29:11 > 0:29:14- Say "cheese". We say "cheese". - That's it! Thank you, Danny.
0:29:14 > 0:29:16Thank you. APPLAUSE
0:29:16 > 0:29:17Very good.
0:29:17 > 0:29:20So do the French say "marmoset?"
0:29:20 > 0:29:22- They do.- They say "marmoset"?
0:29:22 > 0:29:24Well, they used to. I put it in the past tense.
0:29:24 > 0:29:27That makes me go, "Oh, no wonder." Cos that makes you go like this...
0:29:27 > 0:29:30and that's what all French people look like in photos, "Allo. Allo."
0:29:30 > 0:29:32We have a Frenchman in the audience.
0:29:32 > 0:29:34We have Vincent, who's come all the way from la belle France,
0:29:34 > 0:29:35- from la Republique.- Bonjour.
0:29:35 > 0:29:38Let's just listen to him shouting marmoset in French.
0:29:38 > 0:29:39Ouistiti.
0:29:39 > 0:29:41Ouistiti. Brilliant, thank you.
0:29:48 > 0:29:50And the point is, we smile when we say the...
0:29:50 > 0:29:52- Which titty?- Which titty? - Which titty?
0:29:52 > 0:29:54- Ouistiti.- This titty...- Which titty? - ..or this titty?
0:29:54 > 0:29:56- Which titty?- This titty or this titty?- Ouistiti...
0:29:56 > 0:30:00- Which titty?- Which titty will make you smile?- Which titty?
0:30:00 > 0:30:03It does make you smile, just saying, "Which titty?"
0:30:04 > 0:30:06If you stretch your face to say "ti-ti".
0:30:06 > 0:30:09- Titty.- Titty.
0:30:09 > 0:30:11- As you do to say cheese. - Little titty, big titty.
0:30:11 > 0:30:12Exactly.
0:30:12 > 0:30:15And other languages, of course, have other words, or used to.
0:30:15 > 0:30:17I don't think it... But people Blue Steel now, don't they?
0:30:17 > 0:30:20- They Blue Steel it. They don't... - Well, there is that, unfortunately.
0:30:21 > 0:30:25But do you know of any other countries' words?
0:30:25 > 0:30:27- Yes, the Danish...- Yes? - Yeah, what? Yeah?
0:30:27 > 0:30:29They say "orange".
0:30:29 > 0:30:31Well, they don't say the word orange, do they?
0:30:31 > 0:30:34Well, I don't know what it is, but I remember someone...
0:30:34 > 0:30:36It's the Danish for orange. Do we have Danes in the audience?
0:30:36 > 0:30:38- There's one.- Oh.- You're Danish?
0:30:38 > 0:30:40It sounds like apple, doesn't it? Say, if you could...
0:30:40 > 0:30:43- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Appelsin.- Yeah, there we go.- AISLING:- Appelsin?
0:30:43 > 0:30:45A pussy?
0:30:45 > 0:30:47- Appelsin.- Where titty, a pussy?
0:30:48 > 0:30:51- Which titty? A pussy.- A pussy.
0:30:51 > 0:30:53- This is... Europe is filth! - Europe is filthy.
0:30:55 > 0:30:57And in various other languages, we have Serbian,
0:30:57 > 0:31:00- I don't suppose anyone. Well... - I don't think they smile in Serbia.
0:31:00 > 0:31:02LAUGHTER
0:31:02 > 0:31:04Do we have any Slavs in the audience?
0:31:04 > 0:31:06No, we don't.
0:31:06 > 0:31:09"Little bird" in Serbian is ptica.
0:31:09 > 0:31:10Tee-chee-tsa.
0:31:10 > 0:31:13- Tee-chee-tsa.- It might be the same in Russian, I don't know.
0:31:13 > 0:31:15- Iticheetza! - LAUGHTER
0:31:15 > 0:31:18Iticheetza! Iticheetza!
0:31:18 > 0:31:20Iticheetza!
0:31:21 > 0:31:26Honestly. Korean you might get, cos it's their favourite thing.
0:31:26 > 0:31:27- Eating dogs. - AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Kimchi.
0:31:27 > 0:31:29- Kimchi.- Nuclear.- Kimchi, yeah. - Kimchi.
0:31:29 > 0:31:30They love their kimchi.
0:31:30 > 0:31:33Argentina and some other Latin countries
0:31:33 > 0:31:35is actually an English word they say. Or Scottish.
0:31:35 > 0:31:38A Gaelic word, I should say. 'Usquebaugh' means whisky.
0:31:38 > 0:31:40- Usquebaugh?- Yeah, whisky.
0:31:40 > 0:31:42- Or water of life, isn't it? - Usquebaugh.
0:31:42 > 0:31:44Ah, usquebaugh is the same in Irish, in Gaelic as well.
0:31:44 > 0:31:47Except you put an 'e' in it when you make it English.
0:31:47 > 0:31:49No, we don't put an 'e' in it, because that's really...
0:31:49 > 0:31:51LAUGHTER
0:31:51 > 0:31:55They did for one 48-hour period, yeah.
0:31:56 > 0:32:00Bulgarian is... We don't have any Bulgars in the audience, I'm sure?
0:32:00 > 0:32:02- There's one!- A Bulgar! - You're joking, really?
0:32:02 > 0:32:04Is that what you say, a Bulgar?
0:32:04 > 0:32:06You don't say you're a Bulgar? Bulgarian?
0:32:06 > 0:32:09- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- I am Bulgarian. - And what would you say if...?
0:32:09 > 0:32:12- We say "zele".- Yes! Zele. Which means?
0:32:12 > 0:32:14- Cabbage.- Cabbage, yes.- Cabbage.
0:32:14 > 0:32:16Good, very good.
0:32:19 > 0:32:23The sad thing is that they've tended to die out.
0:32:23 > 0:32:25Not because people do Blue Steel, as you were saying,
0:32:25 > 0:32:27but because the Americanisms and British even,
0:32:27 > 0:32:29they say "cheese" or "smile".
0:32:29 > 0:32:31People go "hmmm" and they just do it.
0:32:31 > 0:32:33Isn't it sad? People saying smile, how awful.
0:32:33 > 0:32:35No, I didn't...
0:32:35 > 0:32:37I always wondered why in old photographs,
0:32:37 > 0:32:40like early 1800s and stuff, they were never smiling,
0:32:40 > 0:32:43and it's because the exposure was two, three hours long,
0:32:43 > 0:32:46- so you can't physically...- Wrong! - Oh, is that wrong?
0:32:46 > 0:32:47Yes, but I'm glad you said it,
0:32:47 > 0:32:50because we were just going to come to that very thing.
0:32:50 > 0:32:53You're an absolute natural for this show!
0:32:53 > 0:32:55No, it is a common misapprehension.
0:32:55 > 0:32:57By 1845, in the early daguerreotypes,
0:32:57 > 0:33:01it was only a few seconds, the exposure. One reason is...
0:33:01 > 0:33:03At least five of them look like they're dead.
0:33:03 > 0:33:05Well, they are regarded as serious.
0:33:05 > 0:33:08If you look at portraits in oils, you know, paintings,
0:33:08 > 0:33:11- Reynolds, Gainsborough and so on, they don't smile.- No.
0:33:11 > 0:33:13The Mona Lisa smile? That one.
0:33:13 > 0:33:16Exactly, her enigmatic smile, it's what makes her a unique...
0:33:16 > 0:33:17That's very good, Aisling.
0:33:17 > 0:33:19The lady on the far right there,
0:33:19 > 0:33:22she was very good in the Wizard of Oz, wasn't she?
0:33:23 > 0:33:25- Terrifying.- She was, yeah.
0:33:25 > 0:33:28To be honest, I wouldn't be smiling if my parents
0:33:28 > 0:33:30- had dressed me up like that for a photograph.- I know, no.
0:33:30 > 0:33:33But the word they said instead of "cheese" turned out to be "prunes".
0:33:33 > 0:33:38- To make them look serious - prunes, prunes.- Prunes...
0:33:38 > 0:33:41But anyway, what colour is a mirror?
0:33:41 > 0:33:45Ah! Now, this is going to be a trick. Come on, Danny.
0:33:45 > 0:33:48Is it the colour of whatever is standing in front of it?
0:33:48 > 0:33:52- No, you fool! - It's perfectly reasonable.
0:33:52 > 0:33:54LAUGHTER
0:33:54 > 0:33:56It's a perfectly reasonable thing to say.
0:33:56 > 0:33:59- It would certainly reflect back the colour of...- It's just glass!
0:33:59 > 0:34:01It's like a rainbow because it's glass
0:34:01 > 0:34:04and it is the accumulation of light and...
0:34:04 > 0:34:07and all of the colours in a rainbow, but...
0:34:07 > 0:34:10This sounds madder, but I feel like I am right, but...
0:34:10 > 0:34:12"Oh, go to bed!"
0:34:12 > 0:34:14Silver.
0:34:14 > 0:34:16KLAXON BLARES Silver is not a colour.
0:34:18 > 0:34:22- Silver isn't a colour.- Are mirrors made of sand, aren't they?
0:34:22 > 0:34:24Well, they are made of glass, which is made of sand,
0:34:24 > 0:34:28and the silvered backing, whatever that might be that is used.
0:34:28 > 0:34:32- This silvery foil thing.- What? The what backing?!- Silvered...
0:34:32 > 0:34:35It's silver, but its colour isn't silver, silver isn't a colour
0:34:35 > 0:34:37because you can't make a silver colour on a computer using...
0:34:37 > 0:34:40- Just because it's not on your computer...!- Silver is not colour.
0:34:40 > 0:34:42- It's glass... - No?- Silver is not colour, no.
0:34:42 > 0:34:44- Oh, I love this show! - It is good, isn't it?
0:34:44 > 0:34:48It's all of the colours, it's like when the sun goes through a raindrop
0:34:48 > 0:34:50and a rainbow comes out cos... And all the colours...
0:34:50 > 0:34:53Yes, you're absolutely on the right lines.
0:34:53 > 0:34:56I mean, anything you see as a coloured object...
0:34:56 > 0:34:57Like a tomato looks red
0:34:57 > 0:35:00because it takes in all the colours of white light,
0:35:00 > 0:35:05- all the colours in there, EXCEPT red. And therefore, the red...- What?!
0:35:05 > 0:35:08- Therefore, the red reflects back. - But red... Sorry.
0:35:08 > 0:35:09The red is in there with all the others,
0:35:09 > 0:35:12but can't get through, as it were, and comes out...
0:35:12 > 0:35:15- Don't let him into your mind. - It's like Scientology, the whole...
0:35:15 > 0:35:19- No, that's how it works. So, a mirror...- How do Skittles work, then?
0:35:19 > 0:35:22Sorry? LAUGHTER
0:35:22 > 0:35:24Taste the rainbow!
0:35:24 > 0:35:26A mirror takes in all the colours,
0:35:26 > 0:35:31but there is one colour which slightly can't get in
0:35:31 > 0:35:34- and you can only see that all mirrors have a slight tinge of this...- Green?
0:35:34 > 0:35:36- A vampire. Oh.- Yes, green!
0:35:36 > 0:35:38Literally, I was just going to list the colours.
0:35:38 > 0:35:40Green is right and you can see it there.
0:35:40 > 0:35:42That is not coloured glass of any kind.
0:35:42 > 0:35:43You see it best in the effect of
0:35:43 > 0:35:46a hall of mirrors - mirror on mirror on mirror - so you're seeing
0:35:46 > 0:35:48lots of mirrors together, you see this tinge,
0:35:48 > 0:35:50that gets stronger and stronger, of green.
0:35:50 > 0:35:53Now, that is just pure glass and pure mirror effect,
0:35:53 > 0:35:56but it seems green to us.
0:35:56 > 0:35:58So if you are looking slightly green in the morning,
0:35:58 > 0:36:00you can blame it on the mirror.
0:36:00 > 0:36:04Now, why might blocking the middle of a fire exit be a good thing?
0:36:04 > 0:36:06# Mulberry bush. #
0:36:06 > 0:36:09Cos it stops the fire from getting out.
0:36:09 > 0:36:11"Hold on!"
0:36:11 > 0:36:14So, if everyone goes for the fire exit at the same time,
0:36:14 > 0:36:16they would cause...
0:36:16 > 0:36:18It would get blocked by the mass of people,
0:36:18 > 0:36:20whereas if you had two lanes, it's like motorway traffic.
0:36:20 > 0:36:23- If you block the middle, they would go out sort of individually.- Yes!
0:36:23 > 0:36:26- And it would be better.- You are on the money, absolutely right.
0:36:26 > 0:36:28It's an extraordinary thing.
0:36:28 > 0:36:32- APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH - We are a team!
0:36:32 > 0:36:34They started it with ants.
0:36:34 > 0:36:37I mean, they didn't start a fire, but they had a single exit for ants
0:36:37 > 0:36:40and they blocked the middle of it
0:36:40 > 0:36:42and they found that the ants were slower,
0:36:42 > 0:36:46but they all got out more quickly and it seems to work with humans too,
0:36:46 > 0:36:48probably for exactly the reasons you say.
0:36:48 > 0:36:52- Is that why they do those individual doors in airports?- Maybe it is, yes.
0:36:52 > 0:36:54Those ones where it says, "Keep moving,"
0:36:54 > 0:36:56as you walk towards the plate glass.
0:36:56 > 0:36:59But with aeroplanes, in order to have a certificate of air worthiness,
0:36:59 > 0:37:02amongst other things like making sure the wings don't fall off,
0:37:02 > 0:37:05you have to be able to evacuate in 90 seconds.
0:37:05 > 0:37:07- No way!- Because that is the speed at which...
0:37:07 > 0:37:09LAUGHTER
0:37:09 > 0:37:10When you say...
0:37:10 > 0:37:12Stephen, when you say "evacuate",
0:37:12 > 0:37:15it depends what they say over the tannoy.
0:37:15 > 0:37:1890 seconds is how long it would take a fire to engulf.
0:37:18 > 0:37:21- That's helping(!)- She is, yeah. - "Get off!"
0:37:21 > 0:37:25When you do evacuate, it's difficult to test, of course,
0:37:25 > 0:37:27whether you can get people off.
0:37:27 > 0:37:31- How do you motivate them to get off quickly enough?- Do they pay them?
0:37:31 > 0:37:33- Pay them. - So is it like the last guy off...?
0:37:33 > 0:37:35They basically give them a monetary incentive
0:37:35 > 0:37:37- to get off as fast as possible. - They get a refund.
0:37:37 > 0:37:40Well, no, this is in the test situation,
0:37:40 > 0:37:43you haven't bought a ticket, you've been asked to test...
0:37:43 > 0:37:47- Oh, tests!- The tests.- "Get out in 90 seconds, I'll give you 20 quid."
0:37:47 > 0:37:49Are you saying you would be on a plane, it would be on fire
0:37:49 > 0:37:51and they go, "We'll give you £20 if you get off,"
0:37:51 > 0:37:53and you go, "Make it 30..."
0:37:53 > 0:37:54LAUGHTER
0:37:54 > 0:37:58"I'm holding out for more, love. It is getting warm, but it's worth it.
0:37:58 > 0:38:01- "They'll put the price up." - Yeah, I'll be the last off.
0:38:01 > 0:38:05So, now it's time to run screaming into the disaster zone
0:38:05 > 0:38:07that we call General Ignorance.
0:38:07 > 0:38:09So, fingers on buzzers, if you please.
0:38:09 > 0:38:12It's Midsummer in the UK.
0:38:12 > 0:38:16To the nearest hour, what time does day become night?
0:38:16 > 0:38:19About 10, gets up again around 4?
0:38:19 > 0:38:22KLAXON BLARES
0:38:22 > 0:38:26So I was going to say 1!
0:38:26 > 0:38:28You were going to say 1?!
0:38:28 > 0:38:30KLAXON BLARES
0:38:31 > 0:38:35- You'll take that one! - I'll take that one!
0:38:35 > 0:38:38Is it... I'm only saying this, there is no rationale at all,
0:38:38 > 0:38:41but is it noon? It's always something weird on this show
0:38:41 > 0:38:44and you go, "Oh, no, it's actually night-time in the middle of the day.
0:38:44 > 0:38:47"You're all idiots, you've been doing it wrong."
0:38:47 > 0:38:49In Midsummer, there is no night in Britain.
0:38:49 > 0:38:51There's no night. There's no night, Danny.
0:38:51 > 0:38:54LAUGHTER
0:38:54 > 0:38:59- It's constant twilight. - Oh, bollocks. It gets dark.
0:38:59 > 0:39:03- Constant Twilight sounds like a really good indie album.- It does!
0:39:03 > 0:39:05Yeah, even as far south as Jersey,
0:39:05 > 0:39:09twilight lasts between June 8th and July 4th, without night.
0:39:09 > 0:39:11And how do you define twilight?
0:39:11 > 0:39:14Well, it's defined as the time after the sun goes down, but...
0:39:14 > 0:39:18When the vampires and werewolves fight!
0:39:18 > 0:39:19Who will she choose...
0:39:19 > 0:39:22while constantly looking like she has just farted?
0:39:23 > 0:39:26- How?- In the Twilight films. - You know Kirsten?
0:39:26 > 0:39:29- She looks as if she has just farted the whole time.- Shall I?
0:39:29 > 0:39:32You look like you could be one of the vampires.
0:39:32 > 0:39:33"Oh, my God, am I going to pick you?
0:39:33 > 0:39:36"You're so cold. Can I touch you? Are you even real?"
0:39:36 > 0:39:38That's exactly the whole movie.
0:39:38 > 0:39:42The whole movie is her choice between a half animal and a zombie.
0:39:43 > 0:39:46So Twilight lasts about...
0:39:46 > 0:39:49lasts about six hours if you watch all three of them.
0:39:49 > 0:39:53Twilight is defined as the time after the sun goes beneath the horizon
0:39:53 > 0:39:55but while there is still light caused by the reflection
0:39:55 > 0:39:57of the sun's rays from the atmosphere.
0:39:57 > 0:39:59During summer nights, even at 2am,
0:39:59 > 0:40:02there is still a little bit of light from the sun.
0:40:02 > 0:40:05When is the best time to charge your mobile phone?
0:40:05 > 0:40:07At night.
0:40:07 > 0:40:10Well, good. Yeah, it might be. Any other thoughts?
0:40:10 > 0:40:13Oh, really? I thought that would go off!
0:40:13 > 0:40:16- You can't do it on Midsummer.- No. - "There is no night, you fool!"
0:40:16 > 0:40:20When it's completely almost run out of battery.
0:40:20 > 0:40:22- KLAXON BLARES Oh!- Oh!
0:40:24 > 0:40:26If you've got an iPhone, it's every 15 minutes.
0:40:26 > 0:40:29LAUGHTER
0:40:29 > 0:40:31It used to be the case with an old phone.
0:40:31 > 0:40:33Nokia would go on for weeks.
0:40:33 > 0:40:36Yeah! Look at that beauty. Bring 'em back!
0:40:36 > 0:40:38That's like one of the most modern,
0:40:38 > 0:40:40"Oh, it's not like it was in the old days."
0:40:41 > 0:40:45These phones of that generation used what sort of batteries?
0:40:45 > 0:40:47- Lithium?- Lithium. - No, nickel is the point.
0:40:47 > 0:40:49And if you charged it when it was 20% full,
0:40:49 > 0:40:51it wouldn't remember the rest of it, as it were,
0:40:51 > 0:40:53it was called memory problem.
0:40:53 > 0:40:54So, you had to drain them.
0:40:54 > 0:40:56You had to use them completely, so that it would charge
0:40:56 > 0:40:58the whole battery.
0:40:58 > 0:41:01But we use lithium now and that isn't a problem any more.
0:41:01 > 0:41:03But here's a great thing about batteries,
0:41:03 > 0:41:05and I'm going to demonstrate this to you,
0:41:05 > 0:41:07and I think it'll be rather interesting.
0:41:07 > 0:41:09We're just talking about ordinary AA batteries here,
0:41:09 > 0:41:12whether or not they're charged or...
0:41:12 > 0:41:14They have a thumb thing on them now, don't they?
0:41:14 > 0:41:17- I would, I would use... - Well, they did the thumb thing,
0:41:17 > 0:41:18but they've got rid of that, haven't they?
0:41:18 > 0:41:19They never quite worked.
0:41:19 > 0:41:22It was supposed to shine a... go green or something.
0:41:22 > 0:41:24Yeah, yeah, go green and there was like a press thing.
0:41:24 > 0:41:25I would attach it to my nipple clamps
0:41:25 > 0:41:28and see if it gives me a buzz that I need.
0:41:28 > 0:41:29Here are two batteries.
0:41:29 > 0:41:32How can you tell which one is flat, as it were,
0:41:32 > 0:41:33which one is drained of power
0:41:33 > 0:41:35- and which one is still powerful? - Try it on you.
0:41:35 > 0:41:38- Some magnetic thing. - It's nothing to do with magnetism.
0:41:38 > 0:41:40I'm going to slip them through these copper sleeves
0:41:40 > 0:41:42so that they're both facing the right direction
0:41:42 > 0:41:44and should both fall at the same time.
0:41:44 > 0:41:46So you can count me down from three, two, one and drop, all right?
0:41:46 > 0:41:49The whole audience can join in.
0:41:49 > 0:41:52- ALL:- Three, two, one, drop!
0:41:53 > 0:41:55All right, let's have a look at that.
0:41:55 > 0:41:58In theory, an empty battery should bounce more.
0:42:00 > 0:42:01- AUDIENCE MURMURS - Oh!
0:42:01 > 0:42:04And that is the case that this is the one which has been drained.
0:42:04 > 0:42:06It's to do with the gel inside the batteries.
0:42:06 > 0:42:09And when they're drained, it's hardened and so it bounces more.
0:42:09 > 0:42:12Should we do an apology now for people breaking their mobile phones?
0:42:13 > 0:42:16Presumably someone is at home going, "Is this charged?"
0:42:16 > 0:42:18- You could try it with that. - Seems all right.
0:42:18 > 0:42:19There you are, isn't that good?
0:42:19 > 0:42:21- Couldn't you just buy new batteries? - LAUGHTER
0:42:29 > 0:42:33I just didn't think of that.
0:42:33 > 0:42:35Right. Yes, the best time to charge your phone
0:42:35 > 0:42:37is any time you can find a power socket.
0:42:37 > 0:42:40All of which brings us charging towards a battery
0:42:40 > 0:42:45of very extraordinary scores, which will amaze and astonish you.
0:42:45 > 0:42:46Not.
0:42:46 > 0:42:49So, in first place, what an extraordinary debut,
0:42:49 > 0:42:53Danny Bhoy on ten points. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:58 > 0:43:01In second place,
0:43:01 > 0:43:03half as good, but still brilliant,
0:43:03 > 0:43:04five points to Jimmy Carr.
0:43:04 > 0:43:06I'm happy with that. I'll take that all day.
0:43:06 > 0:43:08- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Five?!
0:43:08 > 0:43:10That's good.
0:43:10 > 0:43:13In third place, with -7,
0:43:13 > 0:43:14it's Aisling Bea.
0:43:14 > 0:43:17- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Yeah!
0:43:19 > 0:43:21Who does that leave us, I wonder?
0:43:21 > 0:43:23Well...
0:43:23 > 0:43:26-44 for Alan Davies! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:33 > 0:43:37Well, that's all from Aisling, Jimmy, Danny, Alan and me.
0:43:37 > 0:43:38And I leave you with these wise words
0:43:38 > 0:43:41from Pulitzer Prize winner, Anna Quindlen.
0:43:41 > 0:43:44"Life is not so much about beginnings and endings
0:43:44 > 0:43:47"as it is about going on and on and on.
0:43:47 > 0:43:49"It's about muddling through the middle,"
0:43:49 > 0:43:50which I hope we've done this evening.
0:43:50 > 0:43:51Good night. APPLAUSE