0:00:24 > 0:00:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:33 > 0:00:38Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to QI,
0:00:38 > 0:00:40where this week the name of the game is Naming Names.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42There's an old Chinese proverb that says,
0:00:42 > 0:00:46"The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their right names."
0:00:46 > 0:00:49So let's get off on the right foot by naming my guests.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52A household name - Romesh Ranganathan.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:57 > 0:01:01A rose by any other name - Cariad Lloyd.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03- Ahh! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:06 > 0:01:09A name to conjure with - Phill Jupitus.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:14 > 0:01:16And old what's-his-name -
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Alan Davies!
0:01:18 > 0:01:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:24 > 0:01:28So, this week, their buzzers are their porn names, OK?
0:01:28 > 0:01:30So that's... If you've not played that game,
0:01:30 > 0:01:34it's the first pet's name and mother's maiden name.
0:01:34 > 0:01:35So Phill goes...
0:01:35 > 0:01:37BASS RIFF
0:01:37 > 0:01:40- GRAVELLY MALE VOICE: - 'Hi, it's Schroeder Swan.'
0:01:44 > 0:01:46That's quite sexy. Very sexy.
0:01:46 > 0:01:47I don't know how much you paid that bloke,
0:01:47 > 0:01:50but I'd have done that for nothing.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53- And more convincingly. - Well...- That sounded like you found
0:01:53 > 0:01:56an asthmatic tramp on the South Bank out there.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58- What was the name?- Schroeder Swan.
0:01:58 > 0:01:59Oh, yes. No, that's very good.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Schroeder, Schroeder was a spiteful pub dog.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Right.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06He used to attack Jock, our barman.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09You had your own barman? I don't want to know.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11We haven't started the show yet.
0:02:11 > 0:02:12Cariad goes...
0:02:12 > 0:02:13BASS RIFF
0:02:13 > 0:02:16- SULTRY FEMALE VOICE: - 'Hello. I'm Snuffy.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18'Snuffy Storey.'
0:02:21 > 0:02:24- And...- It does, though, mean you can now...
0:02:24 > 0:02:26You can access my bank account, I think.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31- That is a very, very specific kind of porn right there.- Mm-hm. Yeah.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Romesh goes...
0:02:33 > 0:02:35BASS RIFF
0:02:35 > 0:02:38- REEDY VOICE:- 'Oh, hello. It's Goldie Silveragi.'
0:02:41 > 0:02:44- CARIAD:- Why didn't you get a sexy voice?
0:02:44 > 0:02:46- Why've- I- been given that one?
0:02:46 > 0:02:48It's quite camp.
0:02:48 > 0:02:49And Alan goes...
0:02:49 > 0:02:52MUSIC: You're the First, the Last, My Everything by Barry White
0:02:52 > 0:02:54- NORTHERN VOICE:- 'Ey up, it's Nobby Stiles!'
0:02:54 > 0:02:56LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:01 > 0:03:05I have to say, Nobby Stiles is a very good porn name, isn't it?
0:03:07 > 0:03:11- It suggests a certain...- It's very farming-specific, isn't it?
0:03:11 > 0:03:14I'm not really good with my hands but... "Nobby" Stiles!
0:03:16 > 0:03:20Now, here's my first, very simple question.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Who is offended by what?
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Oh, God, everybody by everything.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Yes, well, there is that.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31Anybody who reads a tweet and doesn't understand it immediately
0:03:31 > 0:03:33- is offended by it.- Yeah.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35- Do you tweet? - I do tweet. Yeah, I do.- Right.
0:03:35 > 0:03:40But I'm often scared to tweet about anything that's, you know...
0:03:40 > 0:03:42- controversial.- What do you do?
0:03:42 > 0:03:43Just the colour beige, or...?
0:03:43 > 0:03:47No, just like Emojis and, like, GIFs of Japanese girls
0:03:47 > 0:03:49- cutting hairs with crab hands. - Right.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52- ROMESH:- Well, that's...
0:03:52 > 0:03:55The problem is with Twitter, even if you choose something, like,
0:03:55 > 0:03:59that you think is really innocent and can't be offensive, it can be.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01You tweet about porridge and somebody goes,
0:04:01 > 0:04:04"Well, actually, I had a porridge-related incident
0:04:04 > 0:04:06"many years ago and actually I find it highly offensive.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09"I can't believe you'd even not bother to consider the feelings
0:04:09 > 0:04:11"of people that had Ready Brek-related incidents
0:04:11 > 0:04:12"in their childhood."
0:04:12 > 0:04:15- Is that, then, @ThreeBears? Is that the sort of...?- Yeah.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21APPLAUSE
0:04:22 > 0:04:27It's not Twitter-related, so it's more to do with who.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29- "Who is offended by what?"- Yes.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Um...Doctor offended by Daleks.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Er, doctor is the right area.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35- But not Doctor Who.- Oh.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37It is to do with doctors.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Generally medical practitioners?
0:04:39 > 0:04:41It is a large organisation.
0:04:41 > 0:04:42Think of it as an acronym.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44World Health Organization.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47The World Health Organization. Absolutely right.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49And they're offended by What
0:04:49 > 0:04:52which is the World Health Annual...
0:04:52 > 0:04:55- CARIAD:- Trust? - ROMESH:- ..Transportation convention.
0:04:55 > 0:04:56No.
0:04:56 > 0:05:01They are worried that scientists are naming diseases that offend people
0:05:01 > 0:05:04and that, indeed, we've done this too much in the past.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07So, for example, Spanish flu would be a good example.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11It affects people in Spain, possibly, and tourism.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13People might think, if you go to Spain, you'll get Spanish flu.
0:05:13 > 0:05:14Legionnaires' disease.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16There's not a legionnaire in the world
0:05:16 > 0:05:18not been distressed by the thought.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Oh, I know one, Essex wind.
0:05:25 > 0:05:26It's awful, innit, Phill?
0:05:26 > 0:05:29Terrible. It blows right up your Thames corridor.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease, which I imagine...
0:05:33 > 0:05:35I don't know who that would offend. People called Creutzfeldt?
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Jakob Creutzfeldt, I would imagine, very offended.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Swine flu, apparently.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Very offensive to people who work with, I don't know, pigs.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45- Mrs Swine.- Mrs Swine? - Mrs Swine is upset about it.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48I'm very keen on paralytic shellfish
0:05:48 > 0:05:52which I could only imagine would offend prawns that drink too much,
0:05:52 > 0:05:53right?
0:05:53 > 0:05:56I can't see how anyone would be offended by that. Apparently...
0:05:56 > 0:05:59Staggering home sideways, crabs, hey?
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Paralytic.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06I'll be honest, I don't see how you get crabs
0:06:06 > 0:06:09if you're staggering sideways but...
0:06:09 > 0:06:11I'm doing a crab playing the piano,
0:06:11 > 0:06:13I don't know why I'm doing that with my fingers.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17Why am I doing that with my fingers? It's that, isn't it?
0:06:18 > 0:06:22The kind of idea is you're trying to minimise unnecessary distress.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25So, for example, if you called something sudden death syndrome,
0:06:25 > 0:06:26that's just too frightening.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Hold on a sec. If you're about to die imminently,
0:06:29 > 0:06:32you can't just say something cuddly so they're not offended.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34- No.- If they're going to die in the next 20 minutes,
0:06:34 > 0:06:36- you can't just go, "You've just got the chills"...- Yeah.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38..because you don't want them to be upset.
0:06:38 > 0:06:39No, but here's the thing,
0:06:39 > 0:06:41doctors have certain acronyms, and I love these.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43There's SBI,
0:06:43 > 0:06:44which is "something bad inside".
0:06:44 > 0:06:46And it means the doctor knows there's something wrong,
0:06:46 > 0:06:48not entirely sure what it is.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51SVBI - "something VERY bad inside".
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Again, don't know what it is, but it'll definitely kill you.
0:06:55 > 0:06:56Which I like.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58There's loads for fat people. There's CBT,
0:06:58 > 0:07:00which is "chronic biscuit toxicity".
0:07:03 > 0:07:06The other best one for fat people is BW.
0:07:06 > 0:07:07"Beached whale".
0:07:07 > 0:07:10AUDIENCE GROANS
0:07:10 > 0:07:12And my favourite acronym, PRATFO.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14"Patient reassured and told to F off".
0:07:15 > 0:07:18APPLAUSE
0:07:20 > 0:07:23There used to be loads of occupational diseases.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Certain diseases that were entirely...
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Miners' cough.
0:07:27 > 0:07:28Yeah, miners' lung.
0:07:28 > 0:07:29Joggers' nipple.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Joggers' nipple, yes.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34The very first one ever was chimney-sweep's scrotum.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39- What?!- Yep. Chimney-sweep's scrotum. - What...?
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Well, he should put the fire out!
0:07:41 > 0:07:43- LAUGHING:- Bagpiper's fungus! Bagpiper's fungus!
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Bagpiper's fungus is a terrible thing.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48It's apparently if you don't clean the bagpipes,
0:07:48 > 0:07:50you can get a sort of horrible microbe.
0:07:50 > 0:07:54Imagine getting a fungus from an instrument that makes that noise.
0:07:54 > 0:07:55Do you know what I mean?
0:07:55 > 0:07:58Sounds like it's trying to kill you anyway, doesn't it?
0:07:58 > 0:08:02I've seen all these things listed outside a flat in Amsterdam.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07Is chimney-sweep's scrotum because once they're up there
0:08:07 > 0:08:10and if you poke the sweep up...?
0:08:10 > 0:08:12I'm just guessing.
0:08:12 > 0:08:13Poor Dick Van Dyke.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18- AS DICK VAN DYKE:- "Oh, Mary Poppins,
0:08:18 > 0:08:22"me scrotum's playing me up something rotten.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25"Step in time!
0:08:28 > 0:08:30"ARRRRGH!"
0:08:30 > 0:08:33That was the subplot they never managed in the film.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35# A spoonful of... #
0:08:35 > 0:08:40That's why they're all doing that! That's why they're all doing that!
0:08:40 > 0:08:43APPLAUSE
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Do you think he was in too much pain to do the accent properly?
0:08:52 > 0:08:57So, anyway. Can you tell me what this bird's name is?
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Is it a wagtail?
0:09:00 > 0:09:01It is not a wag...
0:09:01 > 0:09:03What I really want is I want its actual name.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Is it Phillip, Jeremy, Mabel?
0:09:06 > 0:09:09Well, to assist you, you have some bird whistles beside you.
0:09:09 > 0:09:10- Ooh!- Yeah.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13See if you can come up with the actual name.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15HE PLAYS A TRILL
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Oh. That's better than mine.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19SHE PLAYS LIKE A CLANGER
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Oh, here we go. "..said Tiny Clanger."
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Oh, you've got lots of different ones.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26CARIAD CONTINUES PLAYING
0:09:26 > 0:09:27ALAN PUFFS
0:09:27 > 0:09:28HE LAUGHS
0:09:31 > 0:09:34The famous calling sound of a goose with asthma.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38THEY PLAY A CLANGER CONVERSATION
0:09:38 > 0:09:39What is going on?
0:09:41 > 0:09:42What are you doing?
0:09:42 > 0:09:44It's just my ears popped.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49HONKING CALL
0:09:49 > 0:09:50Is that a duck call?
0:09:50 > 0:09:52It's supposed to be a duck. A duck call. Sounds like a...
0:09:52 > 0:09:54HALF-HONK AND PUFFING
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Try the littlie.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00HONKING CALL Hang on!
0:10:00 > 0:10:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Well... THEY ALL PLAY AT ONCE
0:10:08 > 0:10:09..it could be any one of these tunes.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Here is the extraordinary thing.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13This bird is called - and this is such a lovely name -
0:10:13 > 0:10:16it's called a superb fairy-wren.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18- Ah! - Isn't that the sweetest thing?
0:10:18 > 0:10:20And every single nest has a family name.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24So it's like it has a surname, and the surname is given to the mother
0:10:24 > 0:10:25when the kids are all in the eggs
0:10:25 > 0:10:26and what she does is she lays the eggs
0:10:26 > 0:10:29and she waits for nine days and then she sits by the eggs
0:10:29 > 0:10:32and she starts singing a unique tune. So it might be...
0:10:32 > 0:10:33GASPING TWEETS
0:10:33 > 0:10:35..better than that.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38What beautiful song does she sing, Sandi?
0:10:38 > 0:10:41UPBEAT TWITTERING
0:10:41 > 0:10:43THEY ALL PLAY AT ONCE
0:10:57 > 0:10:58Can I...?
0:10:59 > 0:11:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Basically, she sings the same tune every four minutes,
0:11:09 > 0:11:11over and over, for a week.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15Now, I would imagine this drives the chicks in the eggs completely barmy.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17My daughter does that with Let It Go.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Oh, I hate that song. I can't be doing with it.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23I didn't used to but, holy smokes, it's a test.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Anyway, what happens is the chicks in the egg,
0:11:25 > 0:11:27they actually hear it and they commit it to memory,
0:11:27 > 0:11:30and Mum and Dad and eggs, they all know the tune. It's a unique tune.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32# Waterloo... #
0:11:38 > 0:11:40I don't think there are lyrics.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43What happens is she goes away and gets food,
0:11:43 > 0:11:46when she returns to the nest, she sings this particular tune
0:11:46 > 0:11:48that they all know and they have to sing it back to her
0:11:48 > 0:11:50and that way she can be absolutely sure
0:11:50 > 0:11:52there isn't a cuckoo in the nest.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56So, they have, as it were, a surname just for that nest.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58- That is amazing. - That really is amazing.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00- But if they were people...- Yeah.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02..how annoying would they be to have round for dinner?
0:12:02 > 0:12:03Unbelievably irritating.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05"Andrew, shall we do our song?
0:12:06 > 0:12:09"We all know this song, we've sung it from when we were children.
0:12:09 > 0:12:10"Let's do it, shall we?"
0:12:10 > 0:12:12They're not even real, I'm going to leave!
0:12:12 > 0:12:13I knew a family that did that.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16They had a whistle and in the supermarket,
0:12:16 > 0:12:18the mum would do a certain whistle and the kid would whistle back.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21No, darling, that's the Von Trapps. That's a film.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24They did, they had a whistle in the supermarket in case they got lost.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26My mum would summon me home by whistling.
0:12:26 > 0:12:27- Seriously?- Yeah.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29She taught me how to do it with the two fingers.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31HE WHISTLES LOUDLY
0:12:31 > 0:12:35- Wow.- Now, I could hear that, er...
0:12:35 > 0:12:36three miles away.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39So me and me brother would be playing with mates
0:12:39 > 0:12:41and we'd be out all day and then, at tea-time,
0:12:41 > 0:12:43my mum would go out the back door and go...
0:12:43 > 0:12:44HE WHISTLES LOUDLY
0:12:44 > 0:12:46- And then we would...- Wow. That is a seriously good whistle.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50- We would come back.- One time, do you remember, we were in Manchester?
0:12:50 > 0:12:53- Oh, yeah, yeah. - And I had to get a train...- Yeah.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56..and a taxi went by and I went, "TAXI!" like that,
0:12:56 > 0:12:58and he ignored me and it went about 50 yards
0:12:58 > 0:13:00and he did that and it braked.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03- PHILL IMITATES SQUEALING BRAKES - And he did a U-turn and came back.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06- ROMESH:- Oh, was the taxi driver your mum?
0:13:06 > 0:13:08APPLAUSE
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Here is the thing about the birds which is extraordinary,
0:13:13 > 0:13:15it isn't just birds who do this.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Horses also do this. They have a signature whinny.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Wow.
0:13:22 > 0:13:23Serious.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27- Has the picture budget been slashed? - Yeah.- Why...?
0:13:27 > 0:13:30That's from Horses And Orthodontistry.
0:13:31 > 0:13:32I'm so allergic to horses
0:13:32 > 0:13:35- that I just sneezed at the sight of that picture.- Seriously?
0:13:35 > 0:13:39I don't think it's an allergy. That photo is terrifying.
0:13:39 > 0:13:44He's going, "WHERE ARE MY EYES?! WHERE ARE MY EYES?
0:13:44 > 0:13:46"THE CROWS HAVE GOT MY EYES!
0:13:48 > 0:13:50"AAAAARRRRGH!"
0:13:52 > 0:13:53That's the mother horse going,
0:13:53 > 0:13:56"WHERE ARE YOU?! COME HOME!"
0:13:56 > 0:13:58"KIDS, BRING MY EYES BACK!"
0:14:00 > 0:14:04That overbite reminds me of my games teacher at school.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07So, here's the thing. Horses have signature whinnies.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10So, say, for example, you have a horse - shall we call it Alan? -
0:14:10 > 0:14:14in a stall, and another horse called Shergar walks by
0:14:14 > 0:14:16and goes out of sight behind a barrier.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Alan notices that and...
0:14:18 > 0:14:19You're being Alan the horse?
0:14:19 > 0:14:22..goes back to eating. If, when Shergar is behind the barrier,
0:14:22 > 0:14:24scientists play his identifying whinny,
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Alan won't really pay any attention.
0:14:26 > 0:14:30If they play the identifying whinny of a different horse,
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Alan gets really freaked out because he knows
0:14:32 > 0:14:36that the horse he saw walk past wasn't the one that he's just heard.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39This is on the list of things scientists can be arsed to do.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45So horses have a signature whinny and dolphins as well.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48PHILL MIMICS A DOLPHIN
0:14:49 > 0:14:52Flipper's here. There's two children down a mine shaft!
0:14:54 > 0:14:56A dolphin taxi is going to come through now.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01They meet at sea, dolphins, and one of the very first things they do
0:15:01 > 0:15:03is to introduce themselves with their unique whistle
0:15:03 > 0:15:06and then when they hear someone calling that unique whistle,
0:15:06 > 0:15:08- they answer with the same whistle so it's sort of...- Wow.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12- .."I'm here" kind of thing. - Oh, dolphins.- I know.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15- Are they nice, really?- Well, I once swam with wild dolphins,
0:15:15 > 0:15:18I've never been more terrified in my life, frankly.
0:15:18 > 0:15:23Wrens, horses and dolphins all give themselves names.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27Who sold seashells on the seashore?
0:15:27 > 0:15:28Is it someone who's got no idea
0:15:28 > 0:15:31about the laws of sort of supply and demand?
0:15:34 > 0:15:37APPLAUSE
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Interestingly, there were plenty of seashells,
0:15:41 > 0:15:44and lots of people who wanted to buy them. So who...?
0:15:44 > 0:15:46- The answer is "she", isn't it? - KLAXON
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Yay!
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Er, well, it is in the rhyme. Can you do the rhyme?
0:15:51 > 0:15:54- Do you know the rhyme?- She... No, I can't, because I've got a lisp.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Ah!
0:15:56 > 0:15:59What a fantastically mean thing to do to you.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Make him do it, Sandi! Make him do it!
0:16:01 > 0:16:04- CARIAD:- She sells seashells on the seashore.- Mm-hm.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07And then she goes home again. I don't know the second bit.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10The shells she sells are seashells, I'm sure
0:16:10 > 0:16:12For if she sells seashells on the seashore
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Then I'm sure she sells seashore shells.
0:16:15 > 0:16:16- Wow.- Is the full rhyme.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19AUDIENCE OOHS Thank you very much. Oh, yes.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21APPLAUSE Oh, yes.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23- That is not...- I know, I know!
0:16:23 > 0:16:27That is the first time I've heard that typical British reaction
0:16:27 > 0:16:29to a tongue twister.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32And it is "Ooooh!"
0:16:34 > 0:16:37That's what we think of articulate people.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39"Ooooh!"
0:16:43 > 0:16:46I didn't know we had that in our make-up.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48So "she", but who was "she"?
0:16:48 > 0:16:50The woman who sold seashells?
0:16:50 > 0:16:54Was she a Cockney woman who some white Victorian man
0:16:54 > 0:16:57made up a nice rhyme about, but actually, she was probably
0:16:57 > 0:16:59a prostitute who died of syphilis?
0:17:01 > 0:17:02Well...
0:17:04 > 0:17:07That turned Dickens really quickly.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11- That was...- I wonder why they didn't include that bit in the rhyme.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13- "..and then she got syphilis." - It's like those nursery rhymes...
0:17:13 > 0:17:17- What a dark place your head is, Cariad.- Yes, it's very dark.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20It was an actual woman, she worked in Lyme Regis.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22- Aargh!- "Aargh!"
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Have you had that seizure or do you want me to get somebody...
0:17:24 > 0:17:26- No.- ..or are you all right?
0:17:26 > 0:17:28- No, no, it's the... - AUDIENCE MEMBER SNEEZES
0:17:28 > 0:17:30- ..Dorset lady...- Yeah.- Bless you.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32We're a caring, sharing show.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35It was the Dorset lady.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37- She's a killer! Look at the weapon! - There she is.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39She found the first dinosaur in the UK, didn't she?
0:17:39 > 0:17:42- The first whole...?- She was the inspiration for the tongue twister.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45She's a Victorian fossil hunter called Mary Anning.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47- Mary Anning. - Oh, she's the fossil hunter -
0:17:47 > 0:17:49- she's all over the Natural History Museum.- Yeah.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51All over the Natural History Museum, and she's incredible.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53She was very brave, because it's very dangerous.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55That is a picture of her with her dog, Tray.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58- She's about to kill it and put it in that bag.- Well...
0:17:58 > 0:18:00I can't tell if the dog is already...
0:18:00 > 0:18:01"And now I shall make a fossil!"
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Bang! Bang!
0:18:07 > 0:18:11"Finish your painting, please, before the dog wakes up."
0:18:15 > 0:18:18I don't know if the picture shows the dog already dead.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21It died in a landslide, and she was very fond of it.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23In a landslide caused by...?
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Well, it is... I don't know if you...
0:18:29 > 0:18:31- She found HUGE fossils.- Yeah.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34She is really an extraordinary woman.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36And her findings absolutely made important changes
0:18:36 > 0:18:39in scientific thinking because, up until the 1820s,
0:18:39 > 0:18:41lots of people didn't believe extinctions could happen,
0:18:41 > 0:18:44cos it would imply that God's creations were less than perfect.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47But she, in fact, discovered the very first
0:18:47 > 0:18:49ichthyosaur skeleton correctly identified,
0:18:49 > 0:18:51the first two plesiosaur skeletons
0:18:51 > 0:18:54and the first pterosaur skeleton outside Germany.
0:18:54 > 0:18:58She also found... I'm going to give you some examples. She found these,
0:18:58 > 0:19:00and she's the very first person who worked out what they are.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04So I'm going to pass you one there for you to share.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Do you know what that is?
0:19:06 > 0:19:07Oh. This is...
0:19:07 > 0:19:09£9.50 in a Cornwall gift shop.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Is this dinosaur shit?
0:19:13 > 0:19:15It is. It is absolutely that.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17OK. Now I feel weird.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22These have been tumbled to prove you can, in fact, polish a turd.
0:19:22 > 0:19:23But, um...
0:19:25 > 0:19:27That's amazing.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29People thought they were bezoars, so stomach stones,
0:19:29 > 0:19:32something from the inside of the stomach, but what she did,
0:19:32 > 0:19:34she cracked one open and she discovered...
0:19:34 > 0:19:35PHILL LAUGHS
0:19:37 > 0:19:39- Oh, God!- It's science, it's science!
0:19:39 > 0:19:40She discovered fish scales and teeth,
0:19:40 > 0:19:43and she's the first person who realised that, in fact, coprolites -
0:19:43 > 0:19:45which is the correct term for them - is in fact dinosaur poo.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Isn't that extraordinary?
0:19:47 > 0:19:50To have a dinosaur's bit of poo in your hands, I think it's incredible.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52I feel a bit sorry for her, that, you know,
0:19:52 > 0:19:53she's done all these amazing things
0:19:53 > 0:19:56and when they decide to come up with a rhyme about her
0:19:56 > 0:19:59they made up one about she used to knock out seashells.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Well, here's the thing. That's how she made a living.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03She was very poor. Her father was a cabinet-maker,
0:20:03 > 0:20:05he died when she was 11. And so she had to make a living.
0:20:05 > 0:20:06And actually, people selling fossils
0:20:06 > 0:20:08has been a big thing on the Lyme Regis coast...
0:20:08 > 0:20:11She did start finding them when she was 12 or 13, didn't she?
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Yeah. She could sell them to tourists.
0:20:13 > 0:20:14It was one of the very first...
0:20:14 > 0:20:17So your £9.50 for a coprolite is probably about right.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19She really sort of pains me slightly,
0:20:19 > 0:20:20because she sold things to men
0:20:20 > 0:20:22who then wrote scientific articles about them,
0:20:22 > 0:20:24and she didn't get the credit. She wasn't allowed to join,
0:20:24 > 0:20:26for example, the Geological Society of London.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29They didn't admit women until 1904.
0:20:29 > 0:20:34She didn't get full credit until, 163 years after her death,
0:20:34 > 0:20:37the Royal Society included Anning in a list of the ten British women
0:20:37 > 0:20:39who have most influenced the history of science.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Was she not allowed to join the society because she was a woman?
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Or because she killed that dog?
0:20:45 > 0:20:48I think the dog didn't help, if I'm honest with you.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Right, time for a look in Mother Toksvig's
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Bumper Book Of Neological Novelties, I think.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Here are some new names for things.
0:20:55 > 0:20:59But can you tell me what any of them are?
0:20:59 > 0:21:01- Adorkable?- Adorkable. Do you know what it is?
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Is that when somebody's, like, really into comic books,
0:21:03 > 0:21:06- but it's quite cute?- CARIAD:- It's manic pixie dream girl syndrome.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Adorably dorkish, so socially inept but charming with it.
0:21:09 > 0:21:10Are these...?
0:21:10 > 0:21:14These are new words that have recently... What's happening here?
0:21:14 > 0:21:16They're what's known as neologisms,
0:21:16 > 0:21:18so they are new terms that have entered the language.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21- Oh, I see.- Al desco is having your lunch...
0:21:21 > 0:21:24- Having your lunch at your desk. - Yeah.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26A belfie, I can't remember what a belfie is.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29A belfie is where you take a selfie, but you have a bell.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33- Really? - No, it is a selfie, but what of?
0:21:33 > 0:21:35What part of you is a belfie?
0:21:35 > 0:21:36- Oh, my God!- Yes.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39- CARIAD:- Oh! - ROMESH:- Really?
0:21:39 > 0:21:40- Your bell end?- It's...
0:21:42 > 0:21:44APPLAUSE
0:21:46 > 0:21:47I thought that was a dick pic.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49- It's your bottom.- Oh, your bottom?
0:21:49 > 0:21:51- Yes, it's a picture of your... - That's a bumfie!
0:21:51 > 0:21:52A bumfie?
0:21:54 > 0:21:55How is "belfie" bum?
0:21:55 > 0:21:57I don't... Darling, I didn't write them.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59I'm just telling you. These are all examples
0:21:59 > 0:22:02that have been included in the OED in recent years.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04The OED have got to stop adding now.
0:22:04 > 0:22:05- Stop adding.- Those are just...
0:22:05 > 0:22:07It's like the OED has been taken over
0:22:07 > 0:22:10by a 14-year-old boy who's bored.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12- BREAKING VOICE:- "Yeah, we'll put 'em all in! Ha-ha!
0:22:12 > 0:22:13"And I'll make up 12."
0:22:13 > 0:22:15I like that one, stoor-sooker.
0:22:15 > 0:22:16- What is that?- Is that Scottish?
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Yes. It's to do with sucking. It's to do with sucking.
0:22:19 > 0:22:20- Really? - Oh, it's something nasty again.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23- I think I'll leave the quiz now. - No, no, it's fine.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25It's a Scottish neologism for a vacuum cleaner.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28It's a stair-sucker, a stoor-sooker. PHILL LAUGHS
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Oh, right. What's honkenbonkers?
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Honkenbonkers, it just means amazing.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Is that the one you were thinking,
0:22:34 > 0:22:36"That's the one I might take from this"?
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Yeah.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40"What am I just going to throw into casual conversation?"
0:22:40 > 0:22:42The good thing about any of these words,
0:22:42 > 0:22:43is if I hear someone using them,
0:22:43 > 0:22:47I can beat them to death with the OED, which is quite a hefty book.
0:22:47 > 0:22:51Wabsteid is another Scottish one for website.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53What's cauldpress?
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Cauldpress is a Scottish neologism for a fridge.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58These are just Scottish words!
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Does anybody know where the word "quiz" comes from?
0:23:00 > 0:23:01As we're doing a kind of quiz.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04I feel like I do know, but I can't remember.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08- I feel like that. - ROMESH:- Do we get a point for that?
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Alan can have a point for that, I'm fine with that, yeah.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14So when you say it, I'm going to go...
0:23:14 > 0:23:15"Oh, yeah..."
0:23:18 > 0:23:20- You watch. Watch, watch.- OK.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22- We don't really know.- Oh... Oh!
0:23:26 > 0:23:28So it used to mean a sort of eccentric person.
0:23:28 > 0:23:32How it has come to mean asking people questions for points,
0:23:32 > 0:23:34we don't really know. There's a story that Richard Daley,
0:23:34 > 0:23:37who was a proprietor, a theatre proprietor in Dublin in 1791,
0:23:37 > 0:23:39made a bet that, within 48 hours,
0:23:39 > 0:23:41he could get a word into common parlance.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43And he distributed the word "quiz"
0:23:43 > 0:23:45to be put up on walls all over Dublin,
0:23:45 > 0:23:47and it became part of the language.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50So really, when they say the police are quizzing the suspect,
0:23:50 > 0:23:51that's wrong, isn't it?
0:23:51 > 0:23:54No, that's from inquisitive. And inquisition.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56So that's a separate...
0:23:56 > 0:23:58You've got it, you're in the right chair.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02I had a little cold feeling then!
0:24:04 > 0:24:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Right, OK.
0:24:19 > 0:24:24A new word is created in English every 98 minutes or so.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Now, we're going to name our little piggies.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28You all know the rhyme. Come on, let's do this together.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30This little piggy went to market...
0:24:30 > 0:24:33- ALL:- This little piggy stayed home This little piggy had roast beef
0:24:33 > 0:24:34This little piggy had none...
0:24:34 > 0:24:36And what did the last one do?
0:24:36 > 0:24:39- ALL:- This little piggy went "wee-wee-wee" all the way home.
0:24:39 > 0:24:40Unbelievably irritating.
0:24:40 > 0:24:44So, what we're going to do is we're going to play with Alan's feet.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47- Are we all right to play with your feet, darling?- Yes.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49I don't really like feet, can I just say this?
0:24:49 > 0:24:51I consider them the frayed edges of the body. I don't...
0:24:53 > 0:24:55- Do you want both feet? - We just need one.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59- In fact, do you want to play? - I believe my feet died in 1987...
0:25:00 > 0:25:02..and the rest of my body will catch up eventually
0:25:02 > 0:25:04but I think my feet went some time ago.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Right. So, here's what we're going to do.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09- Oh...- What's that noise?
0:25:09 > 0:25:12What is that noise?!
0:25:12 > 0:25:14We've never had an audience that's so judgmental.
0:25:14 > 0:25:18- When you hear a tongue twister... - OK.- "Urgh!"
0:25:18 > 0:25:20- What's the matter with you? - Very nice...
0:25:20 > 0:25:24Someone else will get their foot out and you'll go, "Yay!"
0:25:27 > 0:25:30OK. Romesh, there's a little stick...
0:25:30 > 0:25:33APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:25:37 > 0:25:39So, imagine that your big toe is number one
0:25:39 > 0:25:41and the next toe is number two, three...
0:25:41 > 0:25:42So number five is your little toe.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45- OK.- I want you to shut your eyes and Romesh...
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Romesh is going to gently touch one of your toes
0:25:48 > 0:25:52and you tell us which one it is he's touching.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54I can't actually see which ones are being touched
0:25:54 > 0:25:58so let me just come and have a look. I'm coming behind you!
0:25:58 > 0:26:00OK, go ahead, then. Do it again.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03- Yep, which one?- Four.
0:26:03 > 0:26:04Yeah. And keep going.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09- Three?- Ah, so, OK.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11So, you can stop now, that's fantastic
0:26:11 > 0:26:13because rather marvellously and rather pleasingly
0:26:13 > 0:26:14you've entirely proved the point
0:26:14 > 0:26:16that I was trying to make which is very nice.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19So, you said it was number three and, in fact, it was number two.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22- Was it?- Yeah, it was actually number two that was being poked
0:26:22 > 0:26:25- and here's the extraordinary thing. - I can't get my leg down, hang on.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Are you all right?
0:26:29 > 0:26:32So, people at Oxford University research this kind of thing,
0:26:32 > 0:26:35in 2015, so they asked people to close their eyes
0:26:35 > 0:26:37while somebody pressed on one of their fingers
0:26:37 > 0:26:40and they were correctly able to identify, 99% of the case,
0:26:40 > 0:26:42which finger was being simulated.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44- It sort of defeats the object... - You can't do it yourself.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Yeah, to go home and do it yourself.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49- You know which one you're prodding. - Yeah, yeah.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51- And also...- I'll actually admit I went right through with it
0:26:51 > 0:26:54and I did one of the toes myself and then thought,
0:26:54 > 0:26:56"Oh, that's number one," and of course it was!
0:26:57 > 0:27:02Have you ever been involved in scientific research in anything?
0:27:02 > 0:27:04I just have to let myself down, Sandi, all the time.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08- I'm an unbelievable idiot. - I think you're lovely.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12So you can recognise your big and little toes about 94% of the time
0:27:12 > 0:27:15but the ones in the middle are the troublesome ones.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17We particularly struggle, as you did,
0:27:17 > 0:27:19between the second and the third toes
0:27:19 > 0:27:22and about half the people when the second toe was pressed,
0:27:22 > 0:27:26actually, think it's the third one. And also, even more strangely,
0:27:26 > 0:27:29lots of people find it difficult to keep track of their toes entirely.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33Nearly half the testers reported feeling as if one toe was gone.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37A huge number of people with their eyes shut
0:27:37 > 0:27:39thought they only had four toes.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Wouldn't you have just thought
0:27:41 > 0:27:43- "We've picked the wrong person for the experiment"?- Yeah.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Just gone entirely.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Right, a question for all of us here on the panel,
0:27:48 > 0:27:51which of us is the most common?
0:27:51 > 0:27:55- It's either me or Alan.- Why? - Oh, why?
0:27:55 > 0:27:56No, hang on, no!
0:27:56 > 0:27:59There's more women in the world so it's one of you two.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02- It's not that. It isn't that. - It must be Romesh.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05No, in fact, the most common...
0:28:07 > 0:28:09You've got to give an argument, "It must be Romesh."
0:28:11 > 0:28:14- Him...- Oh, I see! OK.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17- I had a look to see whose name was the most common.- Oh.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20So whose name do we think is the most common?
0:28:20 > 0:28:23It's quite... Well, I'd say Romesh, Sandi and Cariad probably not...
0:28:23 > 0:28:25- Not going to be...- ..going to be top of the list, yeah.- No.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28- Davies is a very common name. - I'm afraid it is you, Alan.
0:28:28 > 0:28:29I had a look.
0:28:29 > 0:28:33Ranganathan is used, according to a website called Namespedia,
0:28:33 > 0:28:36is used 1,789 times in at least 26 countries.
0:28:36 > 0:28:39So, what does it mean, the name? Do you know what the name means?
0:28:39 > 0:28:40I think it means, like...
0:28:40 > 0:28:42"Love God."
0:28:43 > 0:28:45OK, so...
0:28:45 > 0:28:47I...
0:28:50 > 0:28:51I broke it down.
0:28:55 > 0:28:57APPLAUSE
0:29:00 > 0:29:03I broke it down, Romesh. Ranga means "source of amusement for others."
0:29:03 > 0:29:06- Right. - And Nathan means "he will give."
0:29:06 > 0:29:08Oh, right.
0:29:08 > 0:29:11Lloyd is used 65,467 times
0:29:11 > 0:29:14in at least 46 countries.
0:29:14 > 0:29:16- We get about, the Welsh. - There is that.
0:29:16 > 0:29:19Phill, I searched your name, honestly, you come up,
0:29:19 > 0:29:22there's nothing, you Lithuanian bastard.
0:29:22 > 0:29:25It's an accidental name because it's actually Seputis
0:29:25 > 0:29:28but when they arrived in 1917 in the UK,
0:29:28 > 0:29:32some bloke at Tilbury, when they arrived, went "Name."
0:29:32 > 0:29:33And they go, "Seputis."
0:29:33 > 0:29:35And he went, "Jupitus."
0:29:35 > 0:29:37So he just wrote down what he heard
0:29:37 > 0:29:40and so that's why it came out as Jupitus.
0:29:40 > 0:29:42I have lovely hair.
0:29:47 > 0:29:50- No wonder I'm so smug.- Yeah.
0:29:50 > 0:29:53I don't know who's upset Alan.
0:29:53 > 0:29:55I look like I've been pulled over for speeding.
0:29:55 > 0:29:58You're like, "Ugh, come on."
0:29:58 > 0:30:02Davies is the most popular, 47 different countries, it appears.
0:30:02 > 0:30:04Did you know there was an entire group of Indo-Iranian people
0:30:04 > 0:30:07in the Caucasus Mountains that were called the Alans?
0:30:07 > 0:30:08I did not know that.
0:30:08 > 0:30:10They've died out.
0:30:13 > 0:30:15She gives and she takes away.
0:30:15 > 0:30:17And my own name I looked up on this thing, Toksvig,
0:30:17 > 0:30:21and it said that it is used at least 23 times in three countries
0:30:21 > 0:30:24- and then it listed all the people. - # Da-da-dah! #
0:30:24 > 0:30:26And all of them...
0:30:26 > 0:30:29All of them are relatives of mine and I'm not on the list.
0:30:33 > 0:30:34What does Toksvig mean?
0:30:34 > 0:30:37It means "river by the burial ground."
0:30:37 > 0:30:39Oh, that's nice. Poetic.
0:30:39 > 0:30:41Having a huge name can help with your uniqueness.
0:30:41 > 0:30:44Have a look at these, these are some of the longest names in history.
0:30:44 > 0:30:45Look at that.
0:30:45 > 0:30:48That's one person's name, this was a woman,
0:30:48 > 0:30:52the long-reigning ruler of Yemen in the 11th and 12th century
0:30:52 > 0:30:55and she was the greatest of the rulers of the Sulayhid dynasty
0:30:55 > 0:30:58and she is sometimes referred to as the Little Queen of Sheba.
0:30:58 > 0:31:01Imagine how annoyed you'd be if you were doing the school trophy,
0:31:01 > 0:31:03she won the hundred.
0:31:04 > 0:31:06- Look at that name, that's great, isn't it?- Wow.
0:31:06 > 0:31:10That's a fantastic name. Queen of Bali, circa 1088 to 1101.
0:31:10 > 0:31:13Do you think she fell asleep and just collapsed onto the keyboard?
0:31:18 > 0:31:21That last bit at the end, that ain't a name. That is a...
0:31:21 > 0:31:22That is a two-year-old,
0:31:22 > 0:31:25that's a two-year-old on an iPhone.
0:31:27 > 0:31:31Now, would you rather be in a non-routine operation
0:31:31 > 0:31:33or a mass deposition event?
0:31:33 > 0:31:36It looks like Alan's in The Simpsons from here.
0:31:39 > 0:31:42Well, I don't like the sound of a non-routine operation.
0:31:42 > 0:31:44- I'd prefer a non-routine operation. - Do you?
0:31:44 > 0:31:46- I just think, if it's routine... - It's a better story.
0:31:46 > 0:31:48Well, if it's routine,
0:31:48 > 0:31:50the person's more likely to be a bit blase about it
0:31:50 > 0:31:51if you've done it loads of times.
0:31:51 > 0:31:53Where, if it's non-routine, he'll think,
0:31:53 > 0:31:55"I probably should stay awake while I'm doing this."
0:31:55 > 0:31:57If it's non-routine, they're going to have the book open.
0:31:57 > 0:32:01Exactly. Like they're doing it for the first time.
0:32:01 > 0:32:04- I imagine it being like a chef. - If it's routine, they'll go,
0:32:04 > 0:32:07"Just for a game, I'm going to do it with my blindfold on."
0:32:07 > 0:32:09I can tell you that the non-routine operation
0:32:09 > 0:32:12is a phrase used by Trans-Florida Airlines.
0:32:12 > 0:32:14OK. Crash landing?
0:32:14 > 0:32:17- It is. It is their word for a plane crash.- Oh-ho!
0:32:17 > 0:32:20- "Notice to passengers..." - Must be in the lead!
0:32:20 > 0:32:22"..in case of a non-routine operation,
0:32:22 > 0:32:26"we'd like you to be familiar with the location of the airplane exits."
0:32:26 > 0:32:28- You'd hope they'd call that non-routine, wouldn't you?- Yeah.
0:32:28 > 0:32:31What a damning indictment of the airline if they don't.
0:32:31 > 0:32:33Can I show you my favourite airport sign?
0:32:33 > 0:32:35Cos you know you never get proper information.
0:32:35 > 0:32:38I think this is absolutely fantastic. There we go.
0:32:45 > 0:32:47It kind of says everything, doesn't it?
0:32:47 > 0:32:49- It's fair enough. - Loses something in translation.
0:32:49 > 0:32:51- It's honest.- It's absolutely fine.
0:32:51 > 0:32:54The other thing is, a mass deposition event is, in fact,
0:32:54 > 0:32:55a huge pile of poo.
0:32:55 > 0:32:57In fact, it's a rather specific pile of poo.
0:32:57 > 0:32:59It's a euphemistic term given by archaeologists
0:32:59 > 0:33:02to the discovery of a thick layer of horse dung
0:33:02 > 0:33:04at a site called the Col de la Traversette,
0:33:04 > 0:33:06and it's believed to be associated
0:33:06 > 0:33:11with Hannibal's crossing of the Alps into Italy in 218 BC.
0:33:11 > 0:33:14I love this. The team analysing the poo, OK,
0:33:14 > 0:33:17are hoping to find signs of elephant droppings.
0:33:17 > 0:33:18Here's a quote from one of the team.
0:33:18 > 0:33:21"There's even the possibility of finding an elephant tapeworm egg.
0:33:21 > 0:33:25"This would really be the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow."
0:33:27 > 0:33:29Tapeworm egg.
0:33:29 > 0:33:31- Not even a tapeworm...- No. - ..just a tapeworm egg.
0:33:31 > 0:33:33Just a tapeworm egg. While we're on euphemisms,
0:33:33 > 0:33:37what is a nondiscernible microbionoculator?
0:33:37 > 0:33:40- Something you can't see. - It's very small, very small.
0:33:40 > 0:33:42You don't want to have it.
0:33:42 > 0:33:44- So, like a parasite?- It's nondiscernible, you can't see it.
0:33:44 > 0:33:46It's a man-made thing.
0:33:46 > 0:33:47Bullet.
0:33:47 > 0:33:49- Sort of.- A lethal injection.
0:33:49 > 0:33:52You're absolutely in the right area, it's a poison dart gun,
0:33:52 > 0:33:55devised by the CIA in 1975.
0:33:55 > 0:33:56I'm on fire, I'm bound to win!
0:33:56 > 0:33:58- You're doing...- I've only had one klaxon.- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:33:58 > 0:34:01I have to say this during the show to flag it up.
0:34:01 > 0:34:03- Yeah.- Yeah.- You've done fantastic.
0:34:03 > 0:34:07Otherwise they would just give me -40 and tell me to piss off.
0:34:07 > 0:34:11That looks like a particularly tough night at the Rotary Club.
0:34:11 > 0:34:14"I think I'm going to kill Alan."
0:34:14 > 0:34:18- He's got the sight on back to front. - The thing I don't understand...- Yes.
0:34:18 > 0:34:20The bloke on the right is saying, "Back to front, you idiot!"
0:34:20 > 0:34:24"He's bloody miles away, the dart will never get him!"
0:34:28 > 0:34:32Why wouldn't you want to get caught in bed with a Norfolk Howard?
0:34:32 > 0:34:35Cos it's probably cattle, is it, or something like that?
0:34:35 > 0:34:38No, but it is a creature of some kind.
0:34:38 > 0:34:40Oh, some sort of a bug or a flea or a tick...
0:34:40 > 0:34:41Oh, yes, you are on fire. Yes.
0:34:41 > 0:34:44- What's going on with you today? - Yeah.
0:34:44 > 0:34:47- Suddenly you know shit. - Oh, it's a sub...
0:34:47 > 0:34:50It's, like, a substandard panel this week.
0:34:52 > 0:34:56APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:34:58 > 0:35:01It's, in fact, it's a euphemism for a bedbug,
0:35:01 > 0:35:02a Norfolk Howard.
0:35:02 > 0:35:04Turn of the 20th century, there was a guy,
0:35:04 > 0:35:06he's either called Bugsy or Joshua Bug.
0:35:06 > 0:35:08Anyway, he really hated being called Bug
0:35:08 > 0:35:11and so he changed his name to Norfolk Howard
0:35:11 > 0:35:13and his friends, to take the mickey,
0:35:13 > 0:35:17referred to all bedbugs as Norfolk Howards and in the end,
0:35:17 > 0:35:20bedbugs became known as Norfolk Howard.
0:35:20 > 0:35:21Oh, that's horrible.
0:35:21 > 0:35:25I think that is a beautifully designed...
0:35:25 > 0:35:27- It's an amazing things. - ..and coloured...- Yeah.
0:35:27 > 0:35:29- I mean...- They are amazing, bedbugs, yeah.- ..that is a stunner.
0:35:29 > 0:35:32- Look at the shell on that.- You wouldn't accept that from a hotel,
0:35:32 > 0:35:35though, if they said that to you, would you?
0:35:35 > 0:35:38"Bedbugs, yeah, but look how beautiful..."
0:35:40 > 0:35:43And so we reach that round that dare not speak its name.
0:35:43 > 0:35:46Fingers on buzzers, please, for General Ignorance.
0:35:46 > 0:35:50Name the place where all the Vikings who died in battle went.
0:35:51 > 0:35:53'Schroeder Swan.'
0:35:53 > 0:35:55I'll take the hit, Valhalla.
0:35:55 > 0:35:58KLAXON
0:35:59 > 0:36:00No.
0:36:00 > 0:36:03You'd think, right, that any warrior, death in battle,
0:36:03 > 0:36:06you'd get to go to the Hall of the Fallen in Asgard.
0:36:06 > 0:36:10It's amazing, it has a roof entirely made of golden shields,
0:36:10 > 0:36:15it's got 540 doors, you can get 800 men in and out, whenever you like.
0:36:15 > 0:36:18- Sounds brilliant. - It's amazing, it's amazing.
0:36:18 > 0:36:21But only half of the Viking heroes actually go to Valhalla.
0:36:21 > 0:36:24So in Viking mythology, there are actually two sets of gods,
0:36:24 > 0:36:27the Aesir, which is Odin and co,
0:36:27 > 0:36:31and the Vanir and both sets get to choose their dead.
0:36:31 > 0:36:32So half go to Valhalla,
0:36:32 > 0:36:34which is where they all want to go, basically,
0:36:34 > 0:36:39and the other half go to the goddess Freya's field of Folkvangr,
0:36:39 > 0:36:41which was probably, you know, a blow, I would imagine.
0:36:41 > 0:36:45I have never been more aroused on a TV show than I am right now.
0:36:45 > 0:36:47- Same, same.- Do the voice, do the voice, do the voice.
0:36:47 > 0:36:49- Folkvangr.- Folkvangr.- Folkvangr.
0:36:49 > 0:36:51See, I think you'd like to go there, Phill.
0:36:51 > 0:36:55Yes, I would like to go to Folkvangr.
0:36:55 > 0:36:58- Because there are women there. - There's no women in Valhalla?
0:36:58 > 0:37:00No, just the Valkyries riding in and out.
0:37:00 > 0:37:02That's a great name of a porn film.
0:37:02 > 0:37:04No Women In Valhalla!
0:37:04 > 0:37:07So, if you didn't die in battle you died a natural death,
0:37:07 > 0:37:08where did you go?
0:37:08 > 0:37:11Because you didn't go to Valhalla and you didn't go to Folkvangr.
0:37:11 > 0:37:14Did you go to Loki's Kingdom of Mischief?
0:37:14 > 0:37:16It's place we don't want to go today when we die.
0:37:16 > 0:37:18- We don't want to go...- Hell. - We don't want to go to hell.
0:37:18 > 0:37:21Fantastic, it's exactly right. They went to hell, yeah.
0:37:21 > 0:37:24- Indeed they did. - If they died of natural causes?
0:37:24 > 0:37:27If they died of natural causes, they went to hell which was...
0:37:27 > 0:37:30"I feel terrible. Quick, start a fight!"
0:37:31 > 0:37:33"There's that battle today..."
0:37:33 > 0:37:35"Oh, this is so unfair.
0:37:35 > 0:37:39"I've been in all the battles, trying to get killed."
0:37:39 > 0:37:41Hell is ruled over by a goddess called Hell,
0:37:41 > 0:37:43it's where we get the word hell from.
0:37:43 > 0:37:47Anyway, only half of Viking warriors ever got to Valhalla.
0:37:47 > 0:37:48Name a self-confessed Nazi.
0:37:51 > 0:37:53LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:37:53 > 0:37:55- Phill Jupitus.- OK.
0:37:55 > 0:37:57- Erm...- All those guys.
0:37:57 > 0:37:59They're like "Me, it's me."
0:37:59 > 0:38:01They didn't call themselves Nazis.
0:38:01 > 0:38:02Absolutely right. There are none,
0:38:02 > 0:38:05there are none because they didn't call themselves Nazis.
0:38:05 > 0:38:07You are just doing brilliantly.
0:38:07 > 0:38:09Yep. Absolutely right.
0:38:11 > 0:38:14APPLAUSE
0:38:17 > 0:38:19- All this time...- Yep.
0:38:19 > 0:38:22All this time you've been intimidated to say what you know
0:38:22 > 0:38:26and now you can just, you can just speak! It's lovely, Alan.
0:38:26 > 0:38:28- No, indeed and...- Hang on, I'll throw him off his game.
0:38:28 > 0:38:31- AS STEPHEN FRY:- Maa! Maa!
0:38:33 > 0:38:35Although I like that Churchill called them "Nazzies".
0:38:35 > 0:38:39- "Nazzies", yeah.- And he referred to the Gestapo as the "Jester-po".
0:38:40 > 0:38:42That was very good. You're absolutely right.
0:38:42 > 0:38:46No self-respecting Nazi ever called themselves a Nazi,
0:38:46 > 0:38:48it was the German exiles who called them that.
0:38:48 > 0:38:51Name the cause of the first mass extinction?
0:38:51 > 0:38:53Oh, now this is a trick one,
0:38:53 > 0:38:56because you're trying to get us to do the dinosaur one,
0:38:56 > 0:38:58but there was one before that, wasn't there?
0:38:58 > 0:39:00After 14 years, he understands the format!
0:39:03 > 0:39:06APPLAUSE
0:39:10 > 0:39:15And the thing I still can't do is think in my head.
0:39:19 > 0:39:22Where do you think, then?
0:39:22 > 0:39:24- In my mouth.- In your mouth.
0:39:24 > 0:39:26Is it ice? Ice?
0:39:26 > 0:39:28- It is not ice, no. CARIAD:- Baby!
0:39:30 > 0:39:33- Very good.- They had a problem, but they didn't solve it.
0:39:33 > 0:39:35There was a massive extinction.
0:39:36 > 0:39:41It's sea anemone greed and, really, the invention of the mouth.
0:39:41 > 0:39:43So what happens is...
0:39:43 > 0:39:46So many problems come when we invent the mouth!
0:39:46 > 0:39:47These are ediacarans,
0:39:47 > 0:39:51and ediacarans are the very first complex life forms on earth.
0:39:51 > 0:39:55And they hung around on the sea floor for about 37 million years.
0:39:55 > 0:39:57They didn't have a mouth, they didn't have an anus.
0:39:57 > 0:39:59They just lived through osmosis.
0:39:59 > 0:40:00They got along fine!
0:40:00 > 0:40:04They were just fine. And then, what happens is, the Cambrian explosion,
0:40:04 > 0:40:08so that's - give or take a Tuesday - about 542 million years ago.
0:40:08 > 0:40:10You suddenly get life forms suddenly rocketing
0:40:10 > 0:40:12cos there's more oxygen around,
0:40:12 > 0:40:14and you get sea anemone-like creatures, they have a mouth.
0:40:14 > 0:40:17- And do you know what they did? - They ate them.- They ate them.
0:40:17 > 0:40:19Absolutely right. They ate the lot of them.
0:40:19 > 0:40:20And the terrible, tragic thing
0:40:20 > 0:40:22was that they couldn't tell each other what was happening.
0:40:22 > 0:40:25- Oh, don't! That's so sad!- Yeah. - No mouth.
0:40:27 > 0:40:30- Just lying there being eaten and not being able to...- Or warn each other.
0:40:30 > 0:40:33I've had boyfriends like that, and I understand how they feel.
0:40:38 > 0:40:41Nothing you can do. Just let them get on with it.
0:40:41 > 0:40:43It's been a learning experience being with you, Cariad.
0:40:44 > 0:40:46That's why I'm adorkable!
0:40:46 > 0:40:48I thought for a moment you meant you'd had boyfriends
0:40:48 > 0:40:50with no mouth or anus.
0:40:50 > 0:40:54- It felt like that, Alan. - They can't cry for help.- No.
0:40:54 > 0:40:56- Can't speak.- Anyway...
0:40:56 > 0:40:59what's French for nom de plume?
0:40:59 > 0:41:01Oh, hang on a minute.
0:41:01 > 0:41:03'Snuffy Storey.'
0:41:03 > 0:41:05Is it that they don't have,
0:41:05 > 0:41:09that doesn't mean pseudonym in French?
0:41:09 > 0:41:11- Er, yeah, kind of. - They don't have...
0:41:11 > 0:41:13In fact, the French for when an author chooses to write
0:41:13 > 0:41:16- under a different name is nom de guerre.- Oh, yeah.
0:41:16 > 0:41:17It is now nom de plume in French
0:41:17 > 0:41:19but the British didn't like nom de guerre,
0:41:19 > 0:41:21they didn't think it was a good idea
0:41:21 > 0:41:22and so they changed it to nom de plume
0:41:22 > 0:41:24and now the French have used it, they've taken it from us.
0:41:24 > 0:41:26That's unusual that they would take it
0:41:26 > 0:41:28because normally they hold on to their French words...
0:41:28 > 0:41:32Yeah, like "le weekend." Like crazy they hold on to those words.
0:41:32 > 0:41:34My favourite nom de plume...
0:41:34 > 0:41:36- Voltaire had loads and he had about 173.- What?!
0:41:36 > 0:41:40Defoe had loads and loads, in fact, including Daniel Defoe,
0:41:40 > 0:41:41his real name was Daniel Foe,
0:41:41 > 0:41:45- he just bigged himself up with the "De" part.- Oh.
0:41:45 > 0:41:47- And Benjamin Franklin. - He lived in Stoke Newington.
0:41:47 > 0:41:50- Who did? Daniel Defoe?- Daniel Defoe.
0:41:50 > 0:41:52See, I like that because that is where somebody like that
0:41:52 > 0:41:55ought to live. There's a wonderful story about a book written by
0:41:55 > 0:41:57a man called T Lobsang Rampa.
0:41:57 > 0:42:00He was supposedly a Tibetan monk and it was a huge hit, this book,
0:42:00 > 0:42:04it was called The Third eye, it was published in 1954, massive hit.
0:42:04 > 0:42:08In fact, it was written by a plumber from Plympton...
0:42:08 > 0:42:10his name was Cyril Henry Hoskin.
0:42:10 > 0:42:13- Hoax, a total hoax.- A total hoax but what I like about it...- Brilliant.
0:42:13 > 0:42:15..he didn't, he wouldn't back down, right?
0:42:15 > 0:42:19So he claimed that the soul of the original Lobsang Rampa
0:42:19 > 0:42:24had inhabited his body after he fell out of a fir tree in his garden
0:42:24 > 0:42:28in Thames Ditton while attempting to photograph an owl.
0:42:30 > 0:42:33- If you're going to lie...- Lie big. Go for it.- Yeah.
0:42:33 > 0:42:36The French for nom de plume is nom de guerre.
0:42:36 > 0:42:39So our panellists emerge at the scores,
0:42:39 > 0:42:42but let's see who has made a name for themselves,
0:42:42 > 0:42:45and who has a black mark next to theirs.
0:42:45 > 0:42:49In fourth place, with a magnificent -2,
0:42:49 > 0:42:51it is Phill!
0:42:51 > 0:42:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:56 > 0:42:59- Yes!- In third place, with 4 points,
0:42:59 > 0:43:00it's Romesh!
0:43:00 > 0:43:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:05 > 0:43:07OK, I don't know if you're going to be able to guess who wins
0:43:07 > 0:43:10if I tell you who's in second place. With 5 points,
0:43:10 > 0:43:11it's Cariad.
0:43:11 > 0:43:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:13 > 0:43:15Alan! Oh, my God!
0:43:15 > 0:43:18And the winner is Alan, with 7.
0:43:18 > 0:43:20EXCITED CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:29 > 0:43:30It only remains for me to thank...
0:43:30 > 0:43:32I'm going to be UNBEARABLE!
0:43:32 > 0:43:34SANDI LAUGHS
0:43:34 > 0:43:35I shall bear with it.
0:43:35 > 0:43:38It only remains for me to thank Cariad, Phill, Romesh and Alan.
0:43:38 > 0:43:42Finally, let me leave you with this Neolithic newspaper nugget
0:43:42 > 0:43:43from the Johannesburg Star.
0:43:43 > 0:43:46The Sunday morning quiet of the city centre was shattered
0:43:46 > 0:43:49when a man went berserk in Plain Street.
0:43:49 > 0:43:51He smashed about 4,000 rands' worth of shop windows
0:43:51 > 0:43:53before being shot in the thigh
0:43:53 > 0:43:55by a passing churchgoer.
0:43:56 > 0:43:57Goodnight.
0:43:57 > 0:44:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE