0:00:28 > 0:00:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:32How lovely!
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Very nice! Lovely!
0:00:36 > 0:00:37Thank you very much.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Good evening and welcome to QI,
0:00:40 > 0:00:42where tonight we are nurturing nature,
0:00:42 > 0:00:45and our guests are a natural selection.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47A natural woman, Cariad Lloyd.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53A natural gas, Ross Noble.
0:00:57 > 0:01:01A natural resource, David Baddiel.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07And a natural disaster, Alan Davies.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17And we have a natural selection of buzzers.
0:01:17 > 0:01:18Cariad goes...
0:01:18 > 0:01:19CICADAS CHIRP
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Oh, that's rather pretty, isn't it? Ross goes...
0:01:22 > 0:01:24DUCK QUACKS
0:01:26 > 0:01:29I went out with somebody like that once.
0:01:29 > 0:01:30David goes...
0:01:30 > 0:01:32ELEPHANT TRUMPETS
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Wow. Alan goes...
0:01:34 > 0:01:37MONKEY YELPS
0:01:39 > 0:01:44YELPING CONTINUES
0:01:44 > 0:01:45SHOTS FIRE AND YELPING CEASES
0:01:45 > 0:01:47LAUGHTER
0:01:53 > 0:01:55I don't know if that means you can ever press it again.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59- I'm afraid to in case another one dies.- I know!
0:01:59 > 0:02:04Question one concerns the most natural noise in the world.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Why do bees hum?
0:02:06 > 0:02:08People hum,
0:02:08 > 0:02:11I've noticed this, when people are a bit embarrassed.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13- Oh, right.- Because they don't know what to say,
0:02:13 > 0:02:15- and I wondered if bees did it. - Yeah, so, no.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Is it something to do with pollen?
0:02:19 > 0:02:21- Yes.- So it's about finding pollen?
0:02:21 > 0:02:22It is to do with pollen.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Is it sending out a vibration?
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Absolutely right, absolutely right, that there are bees...
0:02:27 > 0:02:29It looked like people were going to applaud, there,
0:02:29 > 0:02:31but they weren't sure if they wanted to applaud.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Some bees, not all bees,
0:02:33 > 0:02:35literally shake pollen out of flowers
0:02:35 > 0:02:37by humming very loudly at them.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41- Do they?- Isn't it astonishing? They hold on to the flower and they beat
0:02:41 > 0:02:44their wing muscles phenomenally fast and those rapid muscle contractions
0:02:44 > 0:02:47produce forces up to 30G,
0:02:47 > 0:02:51so that is about three times what you would get from a fighter jet
0:02:51 > 0:02:54making a tight turn. I mean, it's absolutely astonishing.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57It's also the reason why they banned sex toys from Kew Gardens.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Because... It's true...
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Is that actually in the rule book? "No sex toys"?
0:03:08 > 0:03:11That's certainly why I got thrown out!
0:03:11 > 0:03:14- They got confiscated.- Exactly.
0:03:14 > 0:03:15HE IMITATES BUZZING
0:03:15 > 0:03:17"What are you doing?! We need that pollen."
0:03:17 > 0:03:19"I'm sorry, I can't turn it off!"
0:03:20 > 0:03:22How big was the sex toy?
0:03:22 > 0:03:25That was like a fishing rod!
0:03:25 > 0:03:28- I don't want to know. - She's a very lucky woman, my wife.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30But it is incredible,
0:03:30 > 0:03:33that thing you can see on their leg there is called a corbicula,
0:03:33 > 0:03:36and it is the little basket that they keep the pollen in.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40Scientists, they did research, and the best bit of the bee
0:03:40 > 0:03:42- is its knees.- Oh, right.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Shortly followed by the testicles of a dog.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57- All in science, all in science. - No, I'm glad you brought it up.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00There is a bee that, when it goes near, it creates, like, electricity.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02So, this is an extraordinary thing -
0:04:02 > 0:04:04it can also harness electrostatic forces,
0:04:04 > 0:04:07so when a bee flies through the air, the friction that it causes,
0:04:07 > 0:04:09it causes their bodies to build up a positive charge.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12This is incredible - when they get close to the flower,
0:04:12 > 0:04:14which usually carries a negative charge,
0:04:14 > 0:04:18the grains of pollen literally jump from the plant to the insect.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21They learn to distinguish the different electrical fields around
0:04:21 > 0:04:23different flowers so they can tell
0:04:23 > 0:04:25which plants have nearly been depleted of pollen,
0:04:25 > 0:04:28- and they don't bother with those. - Do they work for npower?
0:04:28 > 0:04:30- ROSS:- You said SOME bees.- Yeah.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33- Some are electric, some acoustic bees?- Yes.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37There's a wasp in the background going, "Judas!"
0:04:39 > 0:04:42- And they don't hum, they go... - HE HUMS
0:04:42 > 0:04:44I'm good in the library...
0:04:45 > 0:04:47- DAVID:- That does sound like...
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Dylan obviously sounds like a bee, doesn't he?
0:04:49 > 0:04:50- ROSS:- Yeah. He does.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53And that's why, a lot of his gigs, pollen all over him.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57HE SINGS
0:04:57 > 0:04:59He's got terrible hay fever.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01What's extraordinary - there's a recent study
0:05:01 > 0:05:04at the Jiangxi Agricultural University in Nanchang in China,
0:05:04 > 0:05:07and they attached radio frequency identification tags
0:05:07 > 0:05:11- to 300 honeybees - look at that! - Wow!
0:05:11 > 0:05:13That... Seriously, that's dedication, isn't it?
0:05:13 > 0:05:15What, so they can control them with a...
0:05:15 > 0:05:18- They turn them into drones... No. DAVID:- What, like an Xbox?
0:05:19 > 0:05:21No. They wanted to see how much foraging they did,
0:05:21 > 0:05:24and what they discovered, which is extraordinary,
0:05:24 > 0:05:26is that they forage in anticipation of a rainy day,
0:05:26 > 0:05:28and the weird thing is that they don't actually need
0:05:28 > 0:05:29to save for a rainy day.
0:05:29 > 0:05:30But they do it anyway
0:05:30 > 0:05:33- They're just really practical. - Fantastically practical!
0:05:33 > 0:05:35"I know I don't need to, but you never know!"
0:05:35 > 0:05:38- Those tiny little helmets they've got on...- Yes.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40They're little radio identification tags.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43- So they're like the badges that people wear at conferences.- Yes.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Has anybody ever heard bees having sex?
0:05:46 > 0:05:51- Oh, yeah.- Yeah. It was one of the worst porn films I ever saw.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56- There it is, in fact.- They got kicked out of Kew Gardens for that.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00The extraordinary thing is that it makes an audible sound.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04It's a very female-centred society - the women do all the work.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06I know, Cariad, no change there.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09- No change. - And the drones, the boys -
0:06:09 > 0:06:11their sole job is to mate with the queen, and hardly any of them get
0:06:11 > 0:06:14a chance to do so, but if you manage to mate with the queen,
0:06:14 > 0:06:19once you have done so, your phallus ejaculates from your body,
0:06:19 > 0:06:22the whole thing tears off with an audible pop.
0:06:22 > 0:06:23CARIAD LAUGHS
0:06:24 > 0:06:26"I've finished!"
0:06:28 > 0:06:31I think most blokes would think that's worth it.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Well, it actually plugs up the vagina.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38That's the whole point - it stops the semen coming back out again.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40So all of the drones want to mate with the queen,
0:06:40 > 0:06:43but only a very few of them are able to do so.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46It's like Beyonce and Jay Z, so many want Queen B -
0:06:46 > 0:06:50she chooses one, who lets her down, then she steals his phallus,
0:06:50 > 0:06:52and makes an album about it.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02She has sex with multiple drones, and then...
0:07:02 > 0:07:03- Beyonce?!- Not Beyonce!
0:07:05 > 0:07:08What does she do with all the spare, er...?
0:07:08 > 0:07:09The spare?
0:07:09 > 0:07:12They get ejected eventually - she gets rid of them.
0:07:12 > 0:07:13That must be intimidating -
0:07:13 > 0:07:16you go in to see the queen, and they're all on a shelf.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21It's not a shelf! It's a dartboard!
0:07:27 > 0:07:28"Don't open the door!" Boom!
0:07:30 > 0:07:32The bee that's just had sex with her,
0:07:32 > 0:07:36he walks out, and there's a big long queue, and then his cock just hits
0:07:36 > 0:07:38him on the back of the head.
0:07:38 > 0:07:39"Take that with you!"
0:07:39 > 0:07:41"Oh, sorry."
0:07:41 > 0:07:43But how long do you think they have sex for?
0:07:43 > 0:07:45I'm thinking if you know that was going to happen,
0:07:45 > 0:07:47you'd be making it last as long...
0:07:48 > 0:07:51It's anywhere between ten and 80 minutes.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53- OK.- And sometimes while they're flying,
0:07:53 > 0:07:54which must be... That must be, you know...
0:07:54 > 0:07:57Is that like the Mile High Club for bees?
0:07:58 > 0:08:01"Woohoo! This is better than I imagined... Oh, no!"
0:08:01 > 0:08:03"No!"
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Now, describe nature's Top Gear.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Nature's drugs?
0:08:15 > 0:08:18- Oh, is that a thing? Drugs? - Gear, you know, your gear, man.
0:08:18 > 0:08:19Don't...
0:08:19 > 0:08:22"I've got some top gear for ya."
0:08:28 > 0:08:32OK, it's not gear in the sense of drugs.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34What other kind of gears are there?
0:08:34 > 0:08:36- In a car.- The cogs of something? - Yes, yes, yes.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Nature is full of tremendous wonders,
0:08:38 > 0:08:40and nothing I think more wonderful
0:08:40 > 0:08:43than the immature planthopper, or a nymph and gears.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Now, you can't really tell, cos it's a massive picture,
0:08:46 > 0:08:48but they're only three millimetres long...
0:08:48 > 0:08:50I'm really glad that's a massive picture.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53They tend on the whole to move very slowly, cos they don't want to
0:08:53 > 0:08:55attract attention, which is really sweet,
0:08:55 > 0:08:59but they are able to jump up to one metre from a standing start.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01So, that is 300 times their own body length.
0:09:01 > 0:09:02Imagine if it was me,
0:09:02 > 0:09:06I would be able to jump, from a standing start, a third of a mile.
0:09:06 > 0:09:07I'd love to see that.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10And now, the thing is, if you jump that far,
0:09:10 > 0:09:12and you don't get your timing spot on,
0:09:12 > 0:09:16you spiral out of control, so they have little, tiny,
0:09:16 > 0:09:19tiny gears, that enable them to synchronise their legs
0:09:19 > 0:09:22within 30 millionths of a second.
0:09:22 > 0:09:26You can see here, the top of each hind leg has a circular set
0:09:26 > 0:09:30of minute teeth, and just before takeoff, the insect's thighs,
0:09:30 > 0:09:32they squeeze together.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34You can see they're kind of ratcheting up,
0:09:34 > 0:09:37causing the teeth to mesh like gears, and the legs are then locked
0:09:37 > 0:09:41together, and then they can thrust off like that in perfect unison.
0:09:41 > 0:09:42That's amazing!
0:09:42 > 0:09:45It's amazing, but it looked like CCTV of it,
0:09:45 > 0:09:48so I wonder if it had committed a crime.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50"Seen fleeing the scene!"
0:09:50 > 0:09:53In 2011 in Papua New Guinea, they found a weevil
0:09:53 > 0:09:56whose legs are screwed into the body, and...
0:09:56 > 0:09:59- That's such a phallus sticking out. - It is, isn't it?
0:09:59 > 0:10:02I'm really struggling with everything else on the screen.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05You could take the front legs off while it was sleeping,
0:10:05 > 0:10:06put it on the back...
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Interchangeable - "I want that one."
0:10:12 > 0:10:13Yes, but...
0:10:15 > 0:10:17- ..why do you think they might do this?- It takes its legs off?
0:10:17 > 0:10:19- No, it doesn't take them off... - It tightens them.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22It tightens them, so it can pull along the length of the leg
0:10:22 > 0:10:24in order to make it rotate in its socket.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26So they can rotate the back legs 130 degrees,
0:10:26 > 0:10:28- and get a better grip.- Wow!
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Or they can rotate the front 90 degrees and get a better grip.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33- Why haven't we evolved to do that? - Because you'd get drunk,
0:10:33 > 0:10:35you'd put your legs on wrong, and you'd go,
0:10:35 > 0:10:38"I'm off!" Oof! And you'd shoot off that way.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Now, nobody will be surprised to hear
0:10:41 > 0:10:44that cows emit a lot of methane,
0:10:44 > 0:10:48so, what would you use to ensure your cow meets emissions standards?
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Is this about cows farting?
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Well, it doesn't come out just one end, does it?
0:10:53 > 0:10:56- Farts don't come out of just one end?- No, the methane.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58- Oh, are they burping as well?- They do.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00I know how they feel. It's difficult being a gassy lady.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03- Are you a gassy person?- I'm SO gassy.- Are you?- Yeah, it's insane.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Are you responsible for global warming? Is it you?
0:11:05 > 0:11:07In an area of North London, yes.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10- That's me - soz. - I don't know why that is
0:11:10 > 0:11:11that some people are and some aren't.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14In my entire life - this is a very odd thing to admit -
0:11:14 > 0:11:15I have never farted.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17- What?!- What?!
0:11:18 > 0:11:20- Seriously. - That is a very bold claim.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23- I know!- So what you mean is, you haven't let rip?
0:11:23 > 0:11:27- No! So...- Have you found yourself ever rising off a seat?
0:11:29 > 0:11:33Perhaps you just have incredibly taut buttocks.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37I'm happy to take that claim, yes.
0:11:39 > 0:11:40Only dogs can hear them.
0:11:40 > 0:11:46- Oh!- They're just on a different frequency from everybody else's.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49It's no wonder our dog goes mad every now and then.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Is the dog down there going, "Blame it on Sandi"?
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Come on, now, what are we going to do?
0:11:56 > 0:11:59We need... So, a badly tuned car belches out all sorts of pollutants.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02- What do we do?- Is it something to do with what you're feeding them?
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Er, no, it's an actual device.
0:12:04 > 0:12:05A catalytic converter?
0:12:05 > 0:12:10It is - a catalytic converter for cows.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13These particular catalytic converters go in the nose
0:12:13 > 0:12:15of the cow, so they go like that.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17That's a scientific drawing right there!
0:12:17 > 0:12:18Very technical.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22Is that a gin and tonic going into its nose?
0:12:22 > 0:12:25It doesn't have to be cows - it can be sheep or goats or whatever,
0:12:25 > 0:12:30and the apparatus is retained in the nostril by one or more springs or
0:12:30 > 0:12:34other mechanical devices, and configured to ignite in the presence
0:12:34 > 0:12:36of methane gas.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Incredible, cos then it would be like a sort of a cow-dragon.
0:12:39 > 0:12:40Yeah.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44And then late at night, if you were lost in the hills...
0:12:44 > 0:12:45- Yeah.- ..warm milk.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49Ah, here's the thing. You don't need to get lost, because it can also be
0:12:49 > 0:12:51fitted with a GPS tracker.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Is it actually succeeding, this,
0:12:55 > 0:12:57in stopping the methane emissions from cows?
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Not yet. It's a brand-new notion as to how to do it.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04Something that is succeeding is fistulating cows.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06- What, they've got holes in? - Yeah, they've got holes in them.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10I've seen this. When you look in, all it is is grass,
0:13:10 > 0:13:13like a big hopper full of grass, honestly, it is,
0:13:13 > 0:13:18and I've seen a documentary where, a doctor or a vet, I suppose...
0:13:18 > 0:13:19I'd hope so.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21..put his arm in, rummaging around and showing you the...
0:13:21 > 0:13:24It's really weird and the cow's just standing looking, it looked fine.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27They don't seem to be the slightest bit bothered by it.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29It is a sort of rubber cannula, it unscrews, a bit like a petrol cap,
0:13:29 > 0:13:32and you're quite right, you can put your hand right inside the cow.
0:13:32 > 0:13:33Why might you want to do that?
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Because he's got a very busy day, and you want to have
0:13:36 > 0:13:38a business meeting with James Herriot.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42He's got his hand up the cow's bum, and he goes...
0:13:42 > 0:13:44- You shake his hand. - ..put it in, shake the hand...
0:13:46 > 0:13:49- DAVID:- You've sorted that deal with James Herriot.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52- That's it.- So it just vents? It vents the cow?
0:13:52 > 0:13:54No, you actually want to get to the stomach contents.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58- Why might you want to do that? - There's something in there that...?
0:13:58 > 0:13:59Yeah, so, basically,
0:13:59 > 0:14:02you may have a sick cow, and the cow that is fistulated
0:14:02 > 0:14:03is perfectly healthy.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06You want to get some of the bacteria from the stomach
0:14:06 > 0:14:10of the healthy cow, and give it directly to the other cow.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12- It is a cunning plan. - It IS a cunning plan.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15You also can check exactly what the nutrients that the cow was eating,
0:14:15 > 0:14:17how they're breaking down in the stomach.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20- Doesn't it...?- It doesn't bother them in the slightest.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22- Are you sure?- Absolutely.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Honestly, it's the weirdest thing I've ever seen.
0:14:24 > 0:14:28It would bother ME, I think, if I had one of those here.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31Which is a shame, because we were going to do...
0:14:31 > 0:14:32an experiment.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35- ROSS:- Yeah, but come on, that would be a hell of a party piece,
0:14:35 > 0:14:37- though, wouldn't it?- What? If you had it in your head?
0:14:37 > 0:14:39No, no, just, you know, "Baddiel's here, come on,
0:14:39 > 0:14:42"let's see what he's had for dinner."
0:14:42 > 0:14:44- DAVID:- And then if you were a bit peaky,
0:14:44 > 0:14:47someone would reach inside, and give my bacteria to Ross Noble.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49- That's what would happen. - It would be a strange thing.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52- ROSS:- Yeah, like, say you had the last French fancy...
0:14:52 > 0:14:54- DAVID:- You can't just have it if you wanted my food!
0:14:54 > 0:14:56That's not how it works. You have to be ill.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00- ROSS:- So I'm... "Oh! I need a French fancy!"
0:15:00 > 0:15:02"Gat Baddiel - he's polished off the lot!"
0:15:02 > 0:15:03Then you came round...
0:15:03 > 0:15:05- DAVID:- I hate to tell you this, Ross -
0:15:05 > 0:15:08you can't die of needing to eat French fancies.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12- ROSS:- Right. Well, if you go to any Parisian hospital...
0:15:13 > 0:15:16..and find somebody who is fancy-deficient...
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Yeah, you could be saving lives.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21You've understood that the French fancy direct from his stomach
0:15:21 > 0:15:24is not going to look as attractive as when he first ate it?
0:15:24 > 0:15:25That's the thing about Mr Kipling -
0:15:25 > 0:15:28he makes such exceedingly good cakes...
0:15:28 > 0:15:31- whatever form they're in.- Yeah.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Have a look at these, and tell me what's going on here.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Different cow, different look.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39He's saying, "I wanted it to be a zebra." And so...
0:15:39 > 0:15:41"I've done my best."
0:15:41 > 0:15:43- What do you reckon?- He's painted it for some reason.- Yeah.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Why might you paint a cow?
0:15:45 > 0:15:46To disguise it?
0:15:46 > 0:15:48In fact, quite the opposite - it's World War II,
0:15:48 > 0:15:51and it was farmers trying to stop people running over their cows
0:15:51 > 0:15:53- during the blackout.- Oh!
0:15:53 > 0:15:56- They painted them white. - Why didn't they just write...
0:15:56 > 0:15:57"COW"?
0:16:00 > 0:16:04No, no, because then, if it was behind a bush,
0:16:04 > 0:16:06it would say, "OW."
0:16:07 > 0:16:09- DAVID:- "Ow, I'm being fistulated."
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Or, "STOP," you know? That would be...
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Wouldn't it be funnier to write "PIG,"
0:16:13 > 0:16:16then people would stop and go, "That's never a pig!"
0:16:17 > 0:16:20But surely that would draw the attention of the Luftwaffe,
0:16:20 > 0:16:21wouldn't it?
0:16:21 > 0:16:23- DAVID:- Yeah, but if the Luftwaffe just bomb cows,
0:16:23 > 0:16:24that's not such a big problem.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27No, by the end of the first month of the war,
0:16:27 > 0:16:301,130 human road deaths had been attributed to the blackout,
0:16:30 > 0:16:32so it was really a serious issue, and people were...
0:16:32 > 0:16:33Always knocking into cows?
0:16:33 > 0:16:37- I don't know - no bovine casualties were listed.- Oh, OK.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39So, if you want to do your bit to save the planet,
0:16:39 > 0:16:42invest in a pair of cattle-ytic converters.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45AUDIENCE GROANS
0:16:45 > 0:16:46Oh, all right!
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Not sure about that.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54What's the point of licking your own eyeballs?
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Oh, quite a lot of animals lick their eyeballs.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00- Lizards do that.- They do. Why do they?- For moisture.- For moisture.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03So, this is the palmato gecko, lives in the Namib Desert,
0:17:03 > 0:17:05so kind of Namibia, Angola, South Africa, that area.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07It's one of the driest places on Earth,
0:17:07 > 0:17:10so it needs to use all its ingenuity to get moisture,
0:17:10 > 0:17:12so it gets a little bit of moisture from its diet of insects,
0:17:12 > 0:17:17but it perches on a sand dune, and it waits for the early morning fog
0:17:17 > 0:17:20to condense as water droplets on its absolutely massive eyes,
0:17:20 > 0:17:22- and then it licks it off with its very long tongue.- Wow!
0:17:22 > 0:17:25- That is very clever.- They also don't have eyelids, so licking also helps
0:17:25 > 0:17:28- to keep their eyes clean.- I mean, to be fair, I have been to that desert.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30I rode a motorbike across that desert.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32- DAVID:- I've been there, too. - ROSS:- Have you?- DAVID:- Yeah.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Fight, fight, fight!
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Lick your eyes, lick your eyes!
0:17:38 > 0:17:41It's amazing, it's an incredible place.
0:17:41 > 0:17:42Yes, extraordinary and incredible.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44The Namib Desert - extremely arid -
0:17:44 > 0:17:46they only get a few millimetres of rain every year,
0:17:46 > 0:17:48so the fog that rolls in from the sea in the morning
0:17:48 > 0:17:51is incredibly important, and there's a wonderful little creature
0:17:51 > 0:17:53called the fogstand beetle,
0:17:53 > 0:17:56and it doesn't use its eyes, but it uses its rear end,
0:17:56 > 0:17:59- so what it does is it...- Oh!- ..props itself up at an angle of 45 degrees,
0:17:59 > 0:18:02and the water condenses onto its hard wing cases,
0:18:02 > 0:18:05and then it rolls down into its mouth.
0:18:05 > 0:18:06That's horrible.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10- If I came across you, standing with your head on the ground...- Yeah...
0:18:10 > 0:18:13..letting your arse-water roll down to...
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Arse-water? It's not coming out of its arse!
0:18:19 > 0:18:20We know where it's travelled.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22It's come down its undercarriage.
0:18:23 > 0:18:24Have a look at this Welwitschia plant.
0:18:24 > 0:18:28Its ability to survive is absolutely astonishing,
0:18:28 > 0:18:29and it is testified by...
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Not doing too well there by the look of it.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34The thing is, some of the individual plants are about 2,000 years old.
0:18:34 > 0:18:35Wow!
0:18:35 > 0:18:38So the roots are buried about 30 metres below the ground,
0:18:38 > 0:18:39searching for moisture,
0:18:39 > 0:18:42and it also absorbs water through its pores, its stomata,
0:18:42 > 0:18:44on its huge, frayed leaves.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Oh, God, imagine if you went away and asked a friend to look after it,
0:18:47 > 0:18:49- and it didn't survive.- It died!
0:18:49 > 0:18:51"It's 2,000 years old!"
0:18:51 > 0:18:53- "Sorry, I was busy." - "I left the window open."
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Quick supplementary question -
0:18:56 > 0:18:58what do they call a ship of the desert in Namibia?
0:18:58 > 0:19:00You mean a camel?
0:19:00 > 0:19:01KLAXON BLARES
0:19:04 > 0:19:06How stupid of me.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08The question was "in Namibia."
0:19:08 > 0:19:11- Is it not camel, it's the other one? - What's the other one?- Dramadon?
0:19:11 > 0:19:13- Dromedary?- A Dromadon's from Star Wars.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Hey! There is nothing wrong with something from Star Wars.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18There are different kinds -
0:19:18 > 0:19:20there are Bactrian camels, and there are dromedaries.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Do you know how you can remember which is which?
0:19:22 > 0:19:24- No.- Cos one's got two humps and one's got one.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26The dromedary begins with a D, which is one hump,
0:19:26 > 0:19:29and the Bactrian begins with B, which is two humps,
0:19:29 > 0:19:32so that's how you can remember, and it's completely the wrong answer.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Is it a Toyota pick-up, or something like that?
0:19:34 > 0:19:36- It's nearer that. - It's an actual ship.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39- It's an actual ship.- Oh! I know this, there's a coastline...
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Don't click your fingers at me!
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Sorry! I wasn't clicking them AT you.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Suddenly I've turned into a waiter with no English!
0:19:46 > 0:19:49- ROSS:- Skeleton Coast.- DAVID:- Yeah, the Skeleton Coast in Namibia.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52- ROSS:- Skeleton. - DAVID:- Yeah, stop saying skeleton!
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Guys, you should have your own programme about Namibia,
0:19:55 > 0:19:57where you can fight about how much you love...
0:19:57 > 0:19:58This is sort of extraordinary,
0:19:58 > 0:20:01to see a ship right in the desert like that.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03That's the so-called Skeleton Coast.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06It's long been a menace to shipping, and carcasses of hundreds of vessels
0:20:06 > 0:20:09litter the coast, but you also get silting and encroachment
0:20:09 > 0:20:13of the desert, so you sometimes get ships as much as 500 metres inland.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15There are ghost towns as well in Namibia,
0:20:15 > 0:20:19that are completely covered in sand, but you can go and stay there.
0:20:19 > 0:20:20Yeah, a bit like Tatooine.
0:20:20 > 0:20:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:26 > 0:20:29- Star Wars.- ROSS:- Star Wars. - Star Wars reference.- Star Wars.
0:20:29 > 0:20:30OK, Star Wars. OK.
0:20:32 > 0:20:33Moving on.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38What does the world's fussiest eater eat?
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Is the world's fussiest eater not a human being?
0:20:40 > 0:20:41Correct.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45Is it something that is so fussy, it just doesn't eat, and then dies?
0:20:45 > 0:20:47No, it is very specific.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50It only likes one thing on the menu.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Is it bees' penises?
0:20:52 > 0:20:56Well, you're not far off the area that we need to be looking to.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59It's so deeply unpleasant,
0:20:59 > 0:21:03there are few parasites who have cornered a market so decisively.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05It's a little leech.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07It rarely sees the light of day,
0:21:07 > 0:21:10because it lives up a hippopotamus's bottom.
0:21:10 > 0:21:11That is where it lives.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17It's called the Placobdelloides jaegerskioeldi.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20Here's the thing, hippos have incredibly tough skin, right?
0:21:20 > 0:21:24So, if the leech is looking for a blood meal off the hippo,
0:21:24 > 0:21:26it really has to go to the rectal region, because that's where
0:21:26 > 0:21:28the blood vessels are - the skin is vascular.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31- Where the best restaurants are. - Seriously, best place to hang out.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33It is literally a pain in the arse, this leech.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36So it's a big, gaping hole, like that, and it's like...
0:21:36 > 0:21:37HE GURGLES
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Much like the sarlacc pit.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:44 > 0:21:47Here's the thing - has anybody ever seen a hippo being excused?
0:21:47 > 0:21:49No, I've not seen that.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Well, it's the most extraordinary thing, because they are noted
0:21:51 > 0:21:53for the violence of their bowel movements, OK?
0:21:53 > 0:21:56So, they fire out an absolute explosion of slurry.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58I know how they feel, guys.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03A hippo is incredibly...
0:22:03 > 0:22:05We went to a zoo in Spain, and they had a hippo,
0:22:05 > 0:22:07and they are incredibly heavy.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09- Yeah.- They weigh 3,000 kilograms.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11What were you doing at this zoo?
0:22:11 > 0:22:13- What do you mean?- "Come on!"
0:22:14 > 0:22:15I wasn't carrying it!
0:22:15 > 0:22:18It's got a little plaque - you can read all about it.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23I thought you were going, "Come on, kids!"
0:22:23 > 0:22:25"There's no-one here - we'll get another one!"
0:22:25 > 0:22:28They're incredibly heavy, but they're incredibly dangerous.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30- They weigh the same as 150 people. - Yeah.- I made that number up.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Oh, sorry. He was just saying it wasn't 150 people.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35I just made that up. It might be about 50.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40- I was trying to get attention, that was...- Yes.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43Why are the bowel movements so violent? I'm interested.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Well, OK. So, it is extraordinary.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48What's amazing is that the leech is able to hold on while...
0:22:49 > 0:22:50It has a fantastic grip.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52It's got a pair of suckers, front and rear,
0:22:52 > 0:22:54which provide incredible anchorage.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57So, while this poo is spraying everywhere...
0:22:57 > 0:23:00And we don't know the reason, but there's a really nice story,
0:23:00 > 0:23:02which I like, which is the San people, which is the wonderful
0:23:02 > 0:23:05- hunter-gatherers of southern Africa...- The Sand People, you say?
0:23:06 > 0:23:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:10 > 0:23:13- Oh, yeah! - Yeah, you've got to be careful,
0:23:13 > 0:23:15cos they're a lot more aggressive than the Jawas.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18- Yeah.- You can get them mixed up easily, but those Sand People -
0:23:18 > 0:23:19don't trust them.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22It's like I've moved into a parallel universe.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25The thing about the Sand People is, they always travel in single file.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Do they?
0:23:27 > 0:23:29- IMITATING ALEC GUINNESS: - Beware of the Sand People.
0:23:30 > 0:23:31What...?
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Yes, Ross, is it something helpful?
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Yeah, it is. It is.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38I have a slight confession.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40- Yes?- Right.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42I recently...
0:23:42 > 0:23:44- whilst bored in a hotel room... - Yeah.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46..er... No!
0:23:48 > 0:23:53If you go online and type in, "Hippos pooing", there are...
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Sorry, I'm just going to stop you there. Why would you do that?
0:23:56 > 0:23:57Just, I was...
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Start with dogs.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Work your way up. Bears.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03In the woods.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09And there are huge amounts of videos
0:24:09 > 0:24:12- of people filming hippos at zoos... - Yes.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14..who, the tail goes up, and they go...
0:24:16 > 0:24:17It's unbelievable.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19People... I don't know how it... It just sort of...
0:24:20 > 0:24:21No!
0:24:21 > 0:24:23But that's the thing...
0:24:25 > 0:24:27You've got a leech.
0:24:28 > 0:24:29Urgh...
0:24:31 > 0:24:33There's a reason that the hunter-gatherer people
0:24:33 > 0:24:37of South Africa, the San people, which I really, really like...
0:24:37 > 0:24:40So, when the Creator assigned each animal its place in nature,
0:24:40 > 0:24:42the hippos really wanted to live in the water,
0:24:42 > 0:24:44but it was feared that they might eat all the fish,
0:24:44 > 0:24:47so they were finally allowed to live in the water on the condition
0:24:47 > 0:24:50that they would eat grass instead of fish, and would fling their dung,
0:24:50 > 0:24:53so that it could be checked and inspected for fish bones,
0:24:53 > 0:24:55and that is the reason.
0:24:55 > 0:24:56Isn't that sweet?
0:24:56 > 0:24:57Is this scientific research?
0:24:58 > 0:25:00- Yes.- Yes. It is.- OK.
0:25:00 > 0:25:01Leeches aren't the only animals
0:25:01 > 0:25:03having trouble penetrating tough skin -
0:25:03 > 0:25:05vultures are consummate scavengers.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08Their beaks are designed for ripping and tearing,
0:25:08 > 0:25:11and they can't get into the carcass, so a lion has to open it first.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14If that doesn't happen, they have to find a soft entry point
0:25:14 > 0:25:19and they thrust their heads into eye sockets and nostrils,
0:25:19 > 0:25:21and here is a fantastic description from National Geographic.
0:25:21 > 0:25:26"A Ruppell vulture is eight inches into the wildebeest's anus
0:25:26 > 0:25:30"before another bird wrenches it away, then slithers its own head,
0:25:30 > 0:25:33"like an arm into an evening glove, up the intestinal tract."
0:25:35 > 0:25:36Got very lyrical there.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39It is. "It's dirty work sticking your head up someone else's bottom,
0:25:39 > 0:25:41"but the vulture's sparsely-feathered head and neck
0:25:41 > 0:25:44"are just what is needed to keep gore, guts and faecal matter
0:25:44 > 0:25:48"from clinging after a deep carcass dive."
0:25:49 > 0:25:54So, the world's fussiest eater won't eat anything but hippo's arse.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56In fact, they've taken the little leeches into the lab
0:25:56 > 0:25:59and offered them other things to eat, and they refuse.
0:25:59 > 0:26:03- They only want...- Does it eat hippo poo or hippo arse?
0:26:03 > 0:26:05They're leeches, so it wants the actual...
0:26:05 > 0:26:07So it's not interested in the dung at all?
0:26:07 > 0:26:09- No, it doesn't want the dung. - It just hears it coming.
0:26:09 > 0:26:10Yeah. Whaaa!
0:26:19 > 0:26:22It's like living in a wind tunnel for them.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26Now, what is this plucky little bird up to?
0:26:26 > 0:26:29- Ah!- Cleaning the teeth, cleaning the teeth, surely.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32KLAXON BLARES
0:26:32 > 0:26:33Oh!
0:26:34 > 0:26:36So, all we can say about this particular bird
0:26:36 > 0:26:38is the word "Photoshop."
0:26:38 > 0:26:39Oh!
0:26:39 > 0:26:43It is a digital reconstruction, as the copyright owner readily admits.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46It's the so-called story of the crocodile bird.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48It goes back to Herodotus writing in the 5th century BC,
0:26:48 > 0:26:50but it has never happened.
0:26:50 > 0:26:51Herodotus wrote,
0:26:51 > 0:26:54"When the crocodile comes ashore and opens its mouth,
0:26:54 > 0:26:56"the trochilus flies into its mouth and eats the leeches.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58"The crocodile is pleased by this service,
0:26:58 > 0:27:00"and takes care not to hurt the trochilus,"
0:27:00 > 0:27:02which is usually identified as the Egyptian plover.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04You'd think it was perfect, the bird and the teeth...
0:27:04 > 0:27:06He was making it all up, though, wasn't he?
0:27:06 > 0:27:09He made that up, indeed, and indeed, this photo is made up.
0:27:09 > 0:27:10That whole story is made up.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13There's no reliable evidence whatsoever that this ever happens.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Mainly because crocodiles regularly shed their teeth -
0:27:15 > 0:27:17they have no need for them to be cleaned.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19- They just get new ones. - Why would he make that up?
0:27:19 > 0:27:22- ROSS:- Cos it... Wasn't it furry ants? Didn't he...
0:27:22 > 0:27:23Did he talk about furry ants?
0:27:23 > 0:27:27I'm sure he said that there was, like, massive furry ants.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29CARIAD LAUGHS
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Stop looking at me like I'm insane!
0:27:31 > 0:27:33No, I love that. It's like...
0:27:33 > 0:27:35"Stop looking at me like I'm insane"?
0:27:35 > 0:27:38- No, but... - How often do you say that every day?
0:27:39 > 0:27:40You know my wife.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43The thing is, all of history is littered
0:27:43 > 0:27:45with people saying things for sure that they weren't.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48- DAVID:- Yeah, but I don't understand with Herodotus and the bird
0:27:48 > 0:27:51and the crocodile - he stood to gain nothing from that lie.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53Yeah, but it's a great story - there's a notion of symbiosis.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56The vicious crocodile and the tiny little bird,
0:27:56 > 0:27:59and this wonderful image of the two of them working together.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01He was in the pub and everyone was like, "Go on, Herodotus!"
0:28:01 > 0:28:02Yeah, "Tell us a story!"
0:28:02 > 0:28:05"Tell us that one about the bird and the crocodile
0:28:05 > 0:28:07"that makes us feel like we can all get on no matter our size!"
0:28:08 > 0:28:11There are birds who DO provide cleaning services.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13Or is it sharks get cleaned by fish?
0:28:13 > 0:28:17Well, the cleaner wrasse fish provides cleaning services
0:28:17 > 0:28:20to other fish, and they set up a sort of cleaning station,
0:28:20 > 0:28:22and they do this little dance to attract...
0:28:22 > 0:28:24So that's a massive Moray eel,
0:28:24 > 0:28:27and then it cleans the teeth and the gills of the client -
0:28:27 > 0:28:29I'm sure you can call it the client -
0:28:29 > 0:28:31and they get a good valeting in return for, you know,
0:28:31 > 0:28:33scraps for the fish.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36If you go scuba diving and you meet a Napoleon wrasse, you can give it
0:28:36 > 0:28:40a hard-boiled egg, and all the shell comes out of its gills.
0:28:40 > 0:28:41- Wow!- Right!
0:28:41 > 0:28:43- It's quite a sight.- Yeah.- Wow!
0:28:46 > 0:28:49- So it...- Don't you wonder who discovered that?
0:28:49 > 0:28:53"I know - I'm going to go diving with a boiled egg."
0:28:53 > 0:28:55I think it was Humpty Dumpty.
0:28:57 > 0:29:00He fell off the pier, and he went, "I'm not having that again.
0:29:00 > 0:29:03"The job that the king's horses have done's rubbish, and this is..."
0:29:03 > 0:29:05And then he's fallen in the water...
0:29:05 > 0:29:08I don't know if you give it a Creme Egg you get all tinfoil...
0:29:09 > 0:29:12A Kinder egg, a toy comes out!
0:29:14 > 0:29:18Warthogs - Ugandan warthogs - they are groomed by mongoose.
0:29:18 > 0:29:21- Oh, look at that!- Aww!- Oh, you see, the warthog's my favourite.
0:29:21 > 0:29:24It's licking its arsehole, it's licking its arsehole!
0:29:24 > 0:29:25Oh!
0:29:28 > 0:29:30Oh, it just keeled over in pleasure.
0:29:30 > 0:29:31"Oh-ho-ho!"
0:29:31 > 0:29:34This is what Ross's special videos were.
0:29:34 > 0:29:36- Look at them!- Aww!
0:29:36 > 0:29:37So cute.
0:29:37 > 0:29:41So, years and years ago, in 1975 - in fact, 1975 to 1977 -
0:29:41 > 0:29:42there was a golf course in Zimbabwe
0:29:42 > 0:29:44called the Elephant Hills Golf Course,
0:29:44 > 0:29:46and I had the good fortune to play there just the one time,
0:29:46 > 0:29:51but they had special rules to deal with warthog-related matters
0:29:51 > 0:29:55to do with golf, and the rule was, if you hit a warthog -
0:29:55 > 0:29:57and they were everywhere - I'm going to read it out...
0:29:57 > 0:30:00"It does not entitle the player to replay the shot,
0:30:00 > 0:30:04"except when the ball strikes the upright tail, in which case
0:30:04 > 0:30:08"it shall be deemed to have struck a miniature moving flagpole."
0:30:10 > 0:30:11So, anyway.
0:30:11 > 0:30:13The nilgai lives in northern India.
0:30:13 > 0:30:16"Nilgai" means "blue bull."
0:30:16 > 0:30:19Its scientific name is Boselaphus tragocamelus,
0:30:19 > 0:30:21which means ox-deer-goat-camel.
0:30:21 > 0:30:24It used to be called the nilgor, meaning "blue horse,"
0:30:24 > 0:30:25so which is it?
0:30:25 > 0:30:28Is it a bull, an ox, a deer, a goat, a camel, or a horse?
0:30:28 > 0:30:30- Is that it?- That is it.
0:30:30 > 0:30:32- It doesn't look like an ox. - It's an antelope, isn't it?
0:30:32 > 0:30:33It is, absolutely.
0:30:33 > 0:30:36It is possibly the most misnamed animal in the bestiary,
0:30:36 > 0:30:38because it is actually an antelope.
0:30:38 > 0:30:41The scientific name Boselaphus tragocamelus was first used
0:30:41 > 0:30:44by an English zoologist called Philip Sclater in 1833.
0:30:44 > 0:30:46He was actually a trained ornithologist,
0:30:46 > 0:30:48so it's no wonder he didn't entirely...
0:30:48 > 0:30:51"It's not my remit, guys."
0:30:51 > 0:30:52Other than zoological misnomers,
0:30:52 > 0:30:55what can you tell me about the nine-eyed eel?
0:30:55 > 0:30:56Does it have no eyes?
0:30:56 > 0:30:59- No, it's got eyes.- It's got eyes!
0:30:59 > 0:31:00Is it more than one eel?
0:31:00 > 0:31:04- Er, no.- Is it that those aren't the eyes - it's markings on its body?
0:31:04 > 0:31:07- That is absolutely right, yes. - Ah, brilliant! Clever.
0:31:09 > 0:31:12It is actually a two-eyed Scottish lamprey...
0:31:12 > 0:31:15- What a lovely mouth it's got! - Hideous, isn't it?
0:31:15 > 0:31:18So, it's got seven gills on each side, and two eyes,
0:31:18 > 0:31:20and one nostril, so strictly speaking,
0:31:20 > 0:31:23I suppose you could call it 17-eyed, it should have been,
0:31:23 > 0:31:24but the mistake was the gills.
0:31:24 > 0:31:26Lamprey used to be much-eaten.
0:31:26 > 0:31:29The Queen was sent a lamprey pie by the people of Gloucester every year.
0:31:29 > 0:31:32It's a parasite, and what it's doing there is it's digging a little hole
0:31:32 > 0:31:34into the side of a fish, and then it has an anticoagulant,
0:31:34 > 0:31:37- so that the blood will continue to flow...- Oh!
0:31:37 > 0:31:40..and then it eats off the fish, but apparently they're delicious.
0:31:40 > 0:31:42King Henry I died of a surfeit of lampreys.
0:31:42 > 0:31:44That'd be quite easy to avoid, I would have thought.
0:31:44 > 0:31:47If the doctors had spotted it early, it's quite easy to cure that.
0:31:47 > 0:31:49But you can't say to a king, "You've had enough."
0:31:49 > 0:31:51"I'm starting to feel unwell!"
0:31:51 > 0:31:55If you find a dead one, if you blow on it, can you play it like a flute?
0:31:56 > 0:31:59- DAVID:- Why does it have to be dead? - ROSS:- Because it's a parasite.
0:31:59 > 0:32:02If you try to play that like a flute you'd probably go...
0:32:03 > 0:32:06Now, can you describe a bearded tit?
0:32:06 > 0:32:09If anyone says "David Baddiel," I'm leaving.
0:32:10 > 0:32:13Well, once you get past 30, it does happen.
0:32:18 > 0:32:20We don't always talk about it.
0:32:20 > 0:32:22No woman should be without tweezers.
0:32:22 > 0:32:23No.
0:32:23 > 0:32:25Or the skill of plaiting.
0:32:25 > 0:32:29- That's true. Give the children something to hang on to.- Exactly.
0:32:29 > 0:32:32Save on a sports bra. Tie them together around the back. Bosh.
0:32:32 > 0:32:33Off.
0:32:35 > 0:32:37I sometimes feel, when I speak to you, Ross,
0:32:37 > 0:32:39that I haven't thought things through.
0:32:40 > 0:32:43All I'm saying is, "You're welcome."
0:32:43 > 0:32:44Thank you.
0:32:44 > 0:32:47There are many, many tits in the woods, aren't there?
0:32:47 > 0:32:49- There are, my darling. Yes. - Is this not one of them?
0:32:49 > 0:32:53No, it's not a tit at all, and indeed, it hasn't got a beard.
0:32:53 > 0:32:55It has, in fact, got a rather fine...
0:32:55 > 0:32:58what I can only describe as a Fu Manchu moustache.
0:32:59 > 0:33:01It's not even closely related to - can I call them "true tits"?
0:33:01 > 0:33:03- You can.- I'm going to.
0:33:03 > 0:33:06It's more accurately called the bearded reedling.
0:33:06 > 0:33:08It's actually a unique songbird,
0:33:08 > 0:33:13and no other living species seems to be particularly closely related.
0:33:13 > 0:33:14I wonder if the person who invented
0:33:14 > 0:33:17- the word for birds that are called tits...- Yeah.
0:33:17 > 0:33:20..how upset they would be to know that now no-one
0:33:20 > 0:33:22says them without sniggering.
0:33:22 > 0:33:24Unless when he did it, he was like, "Tits!"
0:33:26 > 0:33:30He's the same bloke that, when he had chickens, he went, "Cock!"
0:33:30 > 0:33:32Yes!
0:33:32 > 0:33:33Come on!
0:33:34 > 0:33:36I don't know how you boys get there so quickly.
0:33:38 > 0:33:40APPLAUSE
0:33:44 > 0:33:47So much focus on something so undependable. Now...
0:33:48 > 0:33:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:33:54 > 0:33:56Oh, yes, there's been a regime change!
0:34:02 > 0:34:04Are you saying your tits are undependable?
0:34:05 > 0:34:07Seriously, it is a weird thing, isn't it?
0:34:07 > 0:34:08Boys are constantly fiddling
0:34:08 > 0:34:10because your bits are not in the right place.
0:34:10 > 0:34:14You never see a woman going, "Ooh, how's that got up there?"
0:34:14 > 0:34:16You see it all the time.
0:34:16 > 0:34:17My Gran...like that.
0:34:21 > 0:34:23- DAVID:- Your gran used to do that?
0:34:23 > 0:34:25Was your gran Les Dawson?
0:34:28 > 0:34:30So, who eats royal excrement?
0:34:30 > 0:34:33Is it bees again - is it because of royal jelly?
0:34:33 > 0:34:35No, they are the only mammals to live in colonies
0:34:35 > 0:34:36with a single queen.
0:34:36 > 0:34:38The royal family?
0:34:40 > 0:34:43No - in fact, they are naked mole-rats.
0:34:43 > 0:34:47- They are known as sand puppies. - Oh, yeah, I've seen these before.
0:34:47 > 0:34:49That's Boris Johnson in the morning.
0:34:50 > 0:34:51APPLAUSE
0:34:51 > 0:34:52"One eyelash!
0:34:52 > 0:34:55"One eyelash, and a long one - that's all I need!
0:34:58 > 0:35:00"I want it straight up. Straight up!
0:35:02 > 0:35:05"And can you get these teeth in my mouth?"
0:35:07 > 0:35:09The teeth are unbelievable.
0:35:09 > 0:35:10They protrude in order to dig,
0:35:10 > 0:35:13and they're able to seal their lips behind the teeth,
0:35:13 > 0:35:15so they don't get dirt in their mouths when they're digging.
0:35:15 > 0:35:17They live in a colony with a queen.
0:35:17 > 0:35:19All the other colony members are infertile,
0:35:19 > 0:35:24but they eat the pregnant queen's hormone-rich faeces,
0:35:24 > 0:35:27and that gives the subordinate rats a boost of oestrogen,
0:35:27 > 0:35:29and that makes them more attentive to the needs of the young.
0:35:29 > 0:35:31But they're not the only ones who eat dung.
0:35:31 > 0:35:33Baby elephants eat the dung of their mothers, and indeed,
0:35:33 > 0:35:35other members of the herd,
0:35:35 > 0:35:37because the bacteria is actually very good for them.
0:35:37 > 0:35:40- So, in their vegetable diet... - Are they doing that right there?
0:35:41 > 0:35:42But it happens to humans, as well.
0:35:42 > 0:35:44You know when you take antibiotics,
0:35:44 > 0:35:46you should replace the good bacteria in your...
0:35:46 > 0:35:47Aww...
0:35:47 > 0:35:49How cute is that?
0:35:49 > 0:35:51We sometimes get the bacteria in our gut depleted.
0:35:51 > 0:35:53There's a thing called a poo pill, isn't there?
0:35:53 > 0:35:56There IS a poo pill. There's also a faecal transplant.
0:35:56 > 0:35:59Oh, yes, I've heard of that. Cos some people's guts have more bacteria than others.
0:35:59 > 0:36:04- Yeah, and they've been doing it since the fourth century in China. It's known as yellow soup.- Oh...!
0:36:04 > 0:36:07So if you see that on the menu, don't order it.
0:36:08 > 0:36:10Which naturally brings us to the matter of general ignorance.
0:36:10 > 0:36:12Fingers on buzzers, please.
0:36:12 > 0:36:14So, a nice, easy one to start with.
0:36:14 > 0:36:17Which animal can jump the highest?
0:36:17 > 0:36:18- Yes?- Flea.
0:36:18 > 0:36:19KLAXON BLARES
0:36:19 > 0:36:21Oh!
0:36:26 > 0:36:28It's not the flea.
0:36:28 > 0:36:29It's the kangaroo.
0:36:29 > 0:36:31Uh-oh.
0:36:31 > 0:36:32KLAXON BLARES
0:36:32 > 0:36:35No. The record, in fact, for a red kangaroo is ten feet
0:36:35 > 0:36:37over a pile of timber, so we're looking for something
0:36:37 > 0:36:40that can jump higher than that.
0:36:40 > 0:36:41Yes, Cariad?
0:36:41 > 0:36:44That one we learnt about earlier that has cogs for legs.
0:36:44 > 0:36:45- The planthopper?- Yeah.- No.
0:36:45 > 0:36:47Again, no.
0:36:47 > 0:36:49KLAXON BLARES
0:36:49 > 0:36:51Anybody... Any more for any more?
0:36:51 > 0:36:52A monkey with a jet pack.
0:36:54 > 0:36:57- DAVID:- Could be any animal with a jet pack, to be honest.
0:36:57 > 0:37:00- ROSS:- No, because you need to have the straps over the...
0:37:00 > 0:37:02The monkey's got to hold on.
0:37:03 > 0:37:06If you put a jet pack on a horse, it's standing like that.
0:37:06 > 0:37:08It's just going to shoot straight...
0:37:10 > 0:37:11- DAVID:- He's prancing.
0:37:11 > 0:37:14- Its side. You could put it on its side.- That's two jet packs.
0:37:14 > 0:37:17We sometimes do experiments on this show, and why that hasn't come up...
0:37:19 > 0:37:22It's not that. It's not that. It's not even on land.
0:37:22 > 0:37:23Dolphin? Flying fish.
0:37:23 > 0:37:26No, it's the shortfin mako shark.
0:37:26 > 0:37:29It can jump 20 feet clear of the water.
0:37:29 > 0:37:31- That's terrifying. - Isn't that unbelievable?
0:37:31 > 0:37:33Then pluck something out of the sky?
0:37:33 > 0:37:35Yeah. A monkey on a jet pack.
0:37:36 > 0:37:39More than a dolphin, even?
0:37:39 > 0:37:42Yeah, it's one of the fastest swimming fish as well in the world.
0:37:42 > 0:37:4535km an hour. 22mph.
0:37:45 > 0:37:46But it is the highest jumper.
0:37:46 > 0:37:49Wasn't flea right, relative to the flea's size, though?
0:37:49 > 0:37:51Ah, but that wasn't the question.
0:37:51 > 0:37:53Which animal can jump the highest?
0:37:53 > 0:37:54Not in relation to its body size.
0:37:54 > 0:37:56- Oh, you're so strict!- I know.
0:37:56 > 0:37:58- I like it, though.- I know you do!
0:38:01 > 0:38:03Fleas can jump vertically to a height of about seven inches,
0:38:03 > 0:38:06which I suppose, for a flea, is a fantastic amount.
0:38:06 > 0:38:08Froghoppers, which is also a tiny little bug -
0:38:08 > 0:38:11they can jump four times further than fleas, and they're heavier,
0:38:11 > 0:38:12as well, so a bit more impressive.
0:38:12 > 0:38:15A tarantula can jump three feet.
0:38:15 > 0:38:16SILENCE
0:38:16 > 0:38:18LAUGHTER
0:38:18 > 0:38:20We all paused to be frightened of that.
0:38:20 > 0:38:22I'm scared to believe it in case it's like the hippo fact,
0:38:22 > 0:38:24and you're just making it up again.
0:38:24 > 0:38:27The myth, of course, is that elephants are the only mammals
0:38:27 > 0:38:29that can't jump, but it's not the case - there are many others.
0:38:29 > 0:38:32- White men?- White men, yeah! White Men Can't Jump.
0:38:33 > 0:38:37Hippos, rhinos, burrowing animals such as moles, and so on.
0:38:37 > 0:38:40What do wolves howl at?
0:38:40 > 0:38:42- Not the...- Oh, no.
0:38:42 > 0:38:47- Yes?- Women walking past not wearing enough, because they're very sexist.
0:38:47 > 0:38:50- I like that, and I want it to be correct.- But it's not.- It's not.
0:38:50 > 0:38:52That's what's always got me about the idea of the wolf whistle,
0:38:52 > 0:38:54cos wolves can't actually whistle.
0:38:54 > 0:38:56So, like, strictly speaking,
0:38:56 > 0:38:58if you're a builder on a building site and a woman walks past,
0:38:58 > 0:39:00you should go, "Phrrrrp!"
0:39:02 > 0:39:04But what are they howling at?
0:39:04 > 0:39:07- DAVID:- Are they howling at other wolves?- The moon.- The moon?
0:39:07 > 0:39:09- KLAXON BLARES No.- Other wolves.
0:39:09 > 0:39:11It is other wolves. They're very intelligent animals
0:39:11 > 0:39:14with very strong family ties and complicated social relations,
0:39:14 > 0:39:16and they howl in order to communicate.
0:39:16 > 0:39:18It so happens they sometimes howl when the moon is out.
0:39:18 > 0:39:20Would you like to hear a mouse howling at the moon?
0:39:20 > 0:39:22- Yes, please!- Here we go.
0:39:22 > 0:39:24VERY HIGHPITCHED SQUEAK
0:39:24 > 0:39:27- DAVID:- Is that your mic feeding back?
0:39:27 > 0:39:29Isn't that the sweetest thing?
0:39:29 > 0:39:30That is brilliant.
0:39:30 > 0:39:33That is the southern grasshopper mouse
0:39:33 > 0:39:35of southwestern USA and Mexico.
0:39:35 > 0:39:37It's also known as the wolf mouse, because it has a reputation
0:39:37 > 0:39:40of howling at the moon. I love these little creatures.
0:39:40 > 0:39:42They're extremely aggressive hunters.
0:39:42 > 0:39:44They catch and kill all sorts of prey,
0:39:44 > 0:39:46and they have a resistance to poison.
0:39:46 > 0:39:50They can actually catch and kill and eat a scorpion
0:39:50 > 0:39:52while it's repeatedly stabbing it in the face.
0:39:54 > 0:39:56I think they're astonishing. I like little and aggressive.
0:39:56 > 0:39:58I have no trouble with that at all.
0:40:00 > 0:40:02How many Earths does the moon have?
0:40:05 > 0:40:06Yes?
0:40:07 > 0:40:08One.
0:40:08 > 0:40:11KLAXON BLARES
0:40:13 > 0:40:14So, there's a staple question,
0:40:14 > 0:40:16"How many moons does the Earth have?"
0:40:16 > 0:40:18At various times, you'll get different answers -
0:40:18 > 0:40:19two, several, one, more.
0:40:19 > 0:40:22They're all arguable answers, but this is turning the question on its head -
0:40:22 > 0:40:24how many Earths does the moon have?
0:40:24 > 0:40:27Now, if you asked me about the ice planet Hoth...
0:40:29 > 0:40:31We'd be in there. We'd be in there straightaway.
0:40:31 > 0:40:33- DAVID:- It's more than one, then?
0:40:33 > 0:40:35Well, it depends on what theory you believe in.
0:40:35 > 0:40:38So, the most widely accepted theory of how our moon was formed
0:40:38 > 0:40:42is the Big Splat, OK? So, that proposes that it was created...
0:40:42 > 0:40:43By a hippo?
0:40:45 > 0:40:48..about four and a half billion years ago, there was a collision
0:40:48 > 0:40:51between the Earth and another Mars-sized planet known as Thea.
0:40:51 > 0:40:55And we've always assumed that the thing was a glancing blow, right,
0:40:55 > 0:40:58and Thea would have spun off into space and left a large debris from
0:40:58 > 0:40:59the collision, and that is our moon.
0:40:59 > 0:41:01There's a more recent development of this idea,
0:41:01 > 0:41:04which is that the collision was head-on, in which case,
0:41:04 > 0:41:07the Earth is a fusion of two planets,
0:41:07 > 0:41:11and it would mean that the moon, in fact, has two Earths.
0:41:11 > 0:41:12If that is the thing that we believe.
0:41:12 > 0:41:15Speaking of the moon, did you know that the original video recording
0:41:15 > 0:41:19of the first moon landing on 20th July 1969 no longer exists?
0:41:19 > 0:41:20Did you know this?
0:41:20 > 0:41:24In 2006, NASA admitted they couldn't find the original videos,
0:41:24 > 0:41:27and it turned out the tapes had been erased and reused
0:41:27 > 0:41:29in the '80s to save money.
0:41:30 > 0:41:32Luckily enough, there were some good archive copies found.
0:41:32 > 0:41:36Does anybody know where I was on 20th July 1969?
0:41:36 > 0:41:38Denmark? I don't know.
0:41:38 > 0:41:39Were you faking the footage?
0:41:40 > 0:41:42I was 11 years old.
0:41:42 > 0:41:44- Were you there, in America? - I was...- On the moon?
0:41:44 > 0:41:45I was in...
0:41:45 > 0:41:49- I was in Mission Control in Houston. - Yeah!- You were?- I was.
0:41:49 > 0:41:52My dad was a foreign correspondent, and that's why I was there,
0:41:52 > 0:41:54and I said to this woman, "Are you all right?"
0:41:54 > 0:41:56She said, "I'm kinda nervous -
0:41:56 > 0:41:58"my boss is about to step out onto the moon."
0:41:58 > 0:42:01And I said, "Oh, don't worry, I'll hold your hand." Erm...
0:42:01 > 0:42:03So, when Neil Armstrong stepped out onto the moon,
0:42:03 > 0:42:05I was holding his secretary's hand.
0:42:05 > 0:42:06Aww! Wow!
0:42:06 > 0:42:09APPLAUSE There you go.
0:42:14 > 0:42:17Sandi, you're like Earth's real-life Princess Leia.
0:42:19 > 0:42:20Cos you were watching it there.
0:42:20 > 0:42:23- Is that a good thing?- Yes! That's definitely a good thing.
0:42:23 > 0:42:25- Is that why you've had your hair done like her?- Yes!
0:42:25 > 0:42:27According to the latest version of the Big Splat,
0:42:27 > 0:42:29the Earth may be a fusion of two planets,
0:42:29 > 0:42:32which brings us to a nice, natural ending.
0:42:32 > 0:42:35Let's have a look at the scores.
0:42:35 > 0:42:38In last place, with minus 23, it's Alan.
0:42:38 > 0:42:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:42 > 0:42:45In third place, with minus 16, it is David.
0:42:45 > 0:42:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:50 > 0:42:52In second place, with minus five, it's Cariad.
0:42:52 > 0:42:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:57 > 0:42:59And tonight's winner, with minus four, it's Ross.
0:42:59 > 0:43:00CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:43:09 > 0:43:12So, it only remains for me to thank Cariad, David,
0:43:12 > 0:43:15Ross and Alan, and as we seem to have wandered onto the moon,
0:43:15 > 0:43:19I leave you with this tale from the News of the World long ago.
0:43:19 > 0:43:22"A Guinness heiress yesterday protested that a busload
0:43:22 > 0:43:24"of cheeky airmen mooned at her
0:43:24 > 0:43:27"when she visited the Greenham Common Peace Women.
0:43:27 > 0:43:29"'I don't know if they were American,
0:43:29 > 0:43:31"'because I only saw their buttocks,'
0:43:31 > 0:43:33"said novelist Lady Caroline Lowell, 51."
0:43:33 > 0:43:34Good night.
0:43:34 > 0:43:37APPLAUSE