0:00:28 > 0:00:30APPLAUSE
0:00:34 > 0:00:39Welcome to QI, where tonight's show is frankly a lot of nonsense.
0:00:39 > 0:00:44Not helped by stultiloquent poppycock from Holly Walsh.
0:00:44 > 0:00:45APPLAUSE
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Nagmentory codswallop from Nish Kumar.
0:00:52 > 0:00:53APPLAUSE
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Fribbling gibberish from Phill Jupitus.
0:01:00 > 0:01:01APPLAUSE
0:01:04 > 0:01:06And the Alan Davies from Essex.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08APPLAUSE
0:01:13 > 0:01:15And their buzzers sound like nonsense too. Holly goes...
0:01:15 > 0:01:18'The trouble with kittens is that...'
0:01:18 > 0:01:19Nish goes...
0:01:19 > 0:01:22'While they're sat on the mat, they get fat...'
0:01:22 > 0:01:24And Phill goes...
0:01:24 > 0:01:26'They grow and they grow, and the next thing you know...'
0:01:26 > 0:01:28And Alan goes...
0:01:28 > 0:01:30'Your kitten's a boring old cat.'
0:01:30 > 0:01:32LAUGHTER
0:01:32 > 0:01:33Love that.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35So, your first task tonight is to say something
0:01:35 > 0:01:40completely nonsensical, that sounds profound.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42That's what I would like.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44LAUGHTER
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Nish, have you got any thoughts?
0:01:46 > 0:01:51I always find that when people say, "I make my own luck,"
0:01:51 > 0:01:54- I think that is the biggest load of nonsense.- Yeah.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58- Because, if you make it, that's not luck.- Yeah.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00- That's not how luck works.- No.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Phill, have you got a profound sentiment for me?
0:02:04 > 0:02:08It's the centenary this year of the establishment of the Dada art group,
0:02:08 > 0:02:11set up at Cabaret Voltaire in Zurich.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15Richard Huelsenbeck was a Dada artist
0:02:15 > 0:02:19and he wrote a long poem called Fantastic Prayers.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22And a couple of sections from it are...
0:02:22 > 0:02:24"Birribum, birribum
0:02:24 > 0:02:26"The ox runs down the circulum
0:02:26 > 0:02:29"Voila, here are the engineers with their assignment
0:02:29 > 0:02:33"Light minds to throw in a still-crude state.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35"Some showers."
0:02:37 > 0:02:39- Is it part poem, part weather report?- Basically.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Whenever you say anything nonsense like that, I always think...
0:02:42 > 0:02:45- LOWERS INTONATION - ..falling slightly at the end of it.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47It just becomes shipping forecast to me.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49What about you, Alan?
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Well, I like things that sound like proverbs.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55And the important thing about them is that they are always reversible.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57So I've come up with a couple.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01You can change your mind, but you can't change your brain.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03- Oh...- That's so crazy.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07The alternative is, you can't change your brain,
0:03:07 > 0:03:08but you can change your mind.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11Wow, that's the sort of thing a teacher would say to you
0:03:11 > 0:03:13- and nod as if it meant something. - It means bugger all.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17Another one is, you can't jump without landing.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Equally, you can't land without jumping.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27I just need time to think about that.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29This is the sort of thing we should definitely be smoking weed
0:03:29 > 0:03:31and listening to.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34Like, you would be a weed guru with this stuff.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39You could say things like, a dry man is not swimming.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43That's so messed up, man!
0:03:43 > 0:03:46A swimming man is never dry.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49There's a geezer with a sticker factory in Kettering now
0:03:49 > 0:03:51who is writing all these down.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53"This is gold!"
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Have you got any profound thoughts for me?
0:03:56 > 0:03:59Well, I just like, when you're standing on a train platform
0:03:59 > 0:04:03and they go, "Any unattended items will be destroyed without warning."
0:04:03 > 0:04:05And I'm always like...
0:04:05 > 0:04:07- that IS a warning.- Yeah.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11- It makes no sense to me. - Does that include a child?
0:04:13 > 0:04:14Is a child an item?
0:04:16 > 0:04:18I bet you'd sell a lot of children's T-shirts if it just said,
0:04:18 > 0:04:20"I am not an unattended item."
0:04:22 > 0:04:23"Do not destroy."
0:04:25 > 0:04:28There's a fantastic website called the New Age Bullshit Generator.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31What it does, it takes buzzwords from New Age tweets
0:04:31 > 0:04:34and it combines them to create syntactically correct,
0:04:34 > 0:04:36profound-sounding nonsense, such as,
0:04:36 > 0:04:41"Hidden meaning transforms unparalleled abstract beauty."
0:04:41 > 0:04:45That's a Coldplay B-side, isn't it?
0:04:45 > 0:04:50"The infinite is calling to us via superpositions of possibilities."
0:04:50 > 0:04:54These all just sound like Morrissey lyrics.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56# The infinite is calling to us. #
0:04:56 > 0:04:57I really like them.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00"Perceptual reality transcends subtle truth."
0:05:00 > 0:05:03I think we've all felt like that at some point.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06"Consciousness is the growth of coherence, and of us."
0:05:08 > 0:05:11So, here's the thing - Canadian researchers asked subjects
0:05:11 > 0:05:13to rate the various sentences I have been reading out
0:05:13 > 0:05:15on a scale of one to five, OK?
0:05:15 > 0:05:19The statements received an average score of 2.6 - "somewhat profound".
0:05:19 > 0:05:21And the researchers concluded,
0:05:21 > 0:05:24"These results indicate that our participants largely failed
0:05:24 > 0:05:27"to detect the statements are bullshit."
0:05:28 > 0:05:32Yeah, and also, they are just trying to put a number in the middle,
0:05:32 > 0:05:34- so they can't be wrong.- Yeah, it's got to be in here somewhere.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37"How many out of five?" "Er, three.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40"Don't ask me anything else."
0:05:40 > 0:05:42It's like multiple-choice at your O Levels, isn't it?
0:05:42 > 0:05:44C, C, C, C,
0:05:44 > 0:05:45B for change,
0:05:45 > 0:05:46C...
0:05:46 > 0:05:49All sorts of sentences that people found profound, like,
0:05:49 > 0:05:51"Most people enjoy some sort of music."
0:05:53 > 0:05:56There's lots of nonsense out there, particularly on the internet.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58In 2014, the German scientific publisher Springer
0:05:58 > 0:06:02and also the American Institute Of Electrical And Electronic Engineers
0:06:02 > 0:06:05had to remove more than 120 papers from their website
0:06:05 > 0:06:08because they discovered they were computer-generated nonsense.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Have you ever seen those computer-generated novels?
0:06:11 > 0:06:16So, they did Moby Dick, with the words swapped for meows of the same length,
0:06:16 > 0:06:20so, "Call me Ishmael," is, "Meow me Meeeeoow."
0:06:23 > 0:06:26They did another one, it's a novel made of unconnected excerpts
0:06:26 > 0:06:31from online databases of teenage girls' accounts of their dreams.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34But it's not just computers that can generate rubbish
0:06:34 > 0:06:36or things you don't understand,
0:06:36 > 0:06:39so the Delphic Oracle was proverbial for its ambiguous...
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Wow, she's got weird legs.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43LAUGHTER
0:06:44 > 0:06:47That's a skill, isn't it, to hover on stilts like that? Fantastic.
0:06:47 > 0:06:51- That's the sort of thing you'd see in Covent Gardens.- Yes.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54But usually they have a Yoda costume over the top.
0:06:54 > 0:06:58I'm quite alarmed because all of those men sort of look like me.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Oh, yeah! There is a look.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Blue WKD had a different sort of packaging in those days.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08So, lots of ambiguous one-liners. Croesus, who was King of Lydia,
0:07:08 > 0:07:11he asked for advice on whether he should attack Persia and was told,
0:07:11 > 0:07:14"If you cross the river, a great empire will be destroyed,"
0:07:14 > 0:07:16and he thought, "Fantastic, she thinks I should do this!"
0:07:16 > 0:07:20Of course, the great empire was his own that was destroyed.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22And there is another piece of advice that was given.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26"You will go, you will return, never in war will you perish."
0:07:26 > 0:07:29So it's one of those things that it depends how you punctuate it.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33"You will go, you will return, never in war will you perish,"
0:07:33 > 0:07:37or, "You will go, you will return never, in war will you perish."
0:07:37 > 0:07:39And she never gave out the punctuation,
0:07:39 > 0:07:40so it's impossible to tell.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44- Lynne Truss would go mental if she saw the Delphic Oracle.- Yes, yes.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47Many people can't tell profound truth from complete nonsense,
0:07:47 > 0:07:51but then again, as a wise man once said,
0:07:51 > 0:07:53no leg's too short to reach the ground.
0:07:56 > 0:08:01Talking of legs of different lengths, why is netball nonsense?
0:08:01 > 0:08:04- It's just the worst sport ever. - Oh, my goodness, yes.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06I think you and I could do an hour on this.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09It should be banned, because it's not fair, it's a load of crap,
0:08:09 > 0:08:12it favours tall people, who already do better at school discos,
0:08:12 > 0:08:15getting off with boys anyway, and the whole thing is not fair.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19- It's just not fair!- Wow, Holly, we've really opened some old wounds.
0:08:19 > 0:08:20Oh, yes.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22They have a thing in netball called a chest pass, right?
0:08:22 > 0:08:25And I used to get them in the face.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27LAUGHTER
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Did you used to have one of those bibs with SG on it?
0:08:31 > 0:08:32For "short girl"?
0:08:34 > 0:08:37But they put you against somebody, some girl, six foot tall,
0:08:37 > 0:08:38who's going to mark you, and she just
0:08:38 > 0:08:41- stands there for the whole time like this.- Just doing that.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44This is what she does, she does this. For, like, 40 minutes.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46That. And that's it, that's all you can do. It's so galling.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48One of the great puzzles of netball,
0:08:48 > 0:08:50apart from why anybody would want to play it,
0:08:50 > 0:08:52is that it has tremendous restriction on movement.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54So, why would you want to restrict players
0:08:54 > 0:08:55to certain areas of the court?
0:08:55 > 0:08:58Isn't it just to avoid contact?
0:08:58 > 0:08:59- No...- Cos it's a very small court?
0:08:59 > 0:09:02No, it's due to a misunderstanding.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05So, what happened, the men's game, basketball,
0:09:05 > 0:09:07invented by a man called James Naismith in 1891,
0:09:07 > 0:09:11and there was a PE teacher called Clara Bear of New Orleans,
0:09:11 > 0:09:14and she asked if he would send a copy of the rules.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17So, he sent the rules and it contained a drawing of the court
0:09:17 > 0:09:20with lines pencilled across it showing the area that various players
0:09:20 > 0:09:24could best patrol, and she misinterpreted this to mean
0:09:24 > 0:09:27that players couldn't leave those areas.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30She then wrote that into her version.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Then it got worse. In 1983, a gym teacher in Massachusetts
0:09:33 > 0:09:35called Senda Berenson modified it further,
0:09:35 > 0:09:38because she thought it was unseemly for young women.
0:09:38 > 0:09:39She wrote an essay about it
0:09:39 > 0:09:42and she wrote, "Unless a game as exciting as basketball
0:09:42 > 0:09:46"is carefully guided by such rules as will eliminate roughness,
0:09:46 > 0:09:49"the great desire to win and the excitement of the game
0:09:49 > 0:09:52"will make our women do sadly unwomanly things."
0:09:52 > 0:09:57So she made them all miserable as they are in that picture.
0:09:57 > 0:09:58So, she banned tackling and she instituted
0:09:58 > 0:10:01the three-second time limit for holding the ball
0:10:01 > 0:10:03and basically didn't think people should run backwards and forwards
0:10:03 > 0:10:05because the girls' hearts
0:10:05 > 0:10:08would become what she called hypertrophic if they ran too far.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Rounders was always the best of all sports.
0:10:11 > 0:10:12Yeah, I liked rounders.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14I was dreadful at all sports.
0:10:14 > 0:10:18I was the first kid in my school to be put into remedial rugby.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20They gave me a round ball, because they were like,
0:10:20 > 0:10:23"This kid's going to have his eye out on the points."
0:10:23 > 0:10:25At school we had three divisions for swimming.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27We had A, B and C, and I was in F.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30That's "floating".
0:10:30 > 0:10:31LAUGHTER
0:10:32 > 0:10:35- Do you like kabaddi? - Do I like kabaddi?!
0:10:35 > 0:10:39I don't like it, I LOVE kabaddi.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Kabaddi is an Indian sport. If you don't know what it is,
0:10:41 > 0:10:44it's like somebody looked at a game of rugby and thought,
0:10:44 > 0:10:46you know what the problem with this is? The ball.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48We just get rid of that. And it's also the only game
0:10:48 > 0:10:51where the players stand there and just go,
0:10:51 > 0:10:54"Kabaddi, kabaddi, kabaddi, kabaddi, kabaddi, kabaddi."
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Is that it? Is that the whole thing?
0:10:56 > 0:10:58What you have to do, one man will be sent out by one team
0:10:58 > 0:11:02and he's got to try to touch the end zone. And the other team,
0:11:02 > 0:11:05they're usually linking up and they've got to try to touch him,
0:11:05 > 0:11:08but if he touches them, that's basically it.
0:11:08 > 0:11:09- It's tag?- Is it British Bulldog?
0:11:09 > 0:11:11It's sort of like British Bulldog and tag.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13It's very much kabaddi, OK?
0:11:13 > 0:11:16I won't have this imperialist conquest of our sports!
0:11:17 > 0:11:20"Is that British Bulldog?" No, it's very much Indian kabaddi!
0:11:23 > 0:11:27You may take our Koh-I-Noor diamond, but you'll never take our kabaddi!
0:11:27 > 0:11:29- PHILL:- It sounds like a good game,
0:11:29 > 0:11:32but it sounds like what it needs is kissing.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35It's the only sport where, during the sport,
0:11:35 > 0:11:36you just say the name of the sport.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38It would be like a footballer kicking the ball
0:11:38 > 0:11:40and just going, "Football."
0:11:42 > 0:11:44- Do people get injured in it, do you get injured?- Is it rough?
0:11:44 > 0:11:47I think it's one of those sports that LOOKS pretty rough.
0:11:47 > 0:11:48The other thing that's weird about it
0:11:48 > 0:11:51is they're sort of all in kind of loincloths.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Oh, wow! Now we're talking!
0:11:54 > 0:11:57If you tuned in, you would think
0:11:57 > 0:12:02you were watching a particularly strange piece of all-male erotica.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05- Well, I was watching on YouTube yesterday...- Uh-oh.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07..this Turkish sport where they all get oiled up -
0:12:07 > 0:12:10this is genuinely true - and they wear leather trousers
0:12:10 > 0:12:13and they wrestle each other and the competition is
0:12:13 > 0:12:15to get their hands down the front of the trousers,
0:12:15 > 0:12:17like that's how you win the points.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19That's not a sport!
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Is it possible the subtitles were less than correct?
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Well, it was being done in this big field
0:12:26 > 0:12:28and there were loads of people watching and elderly gentlemen
0:12:28 > 0:12:31that you wouldn't imagine would be into that sort of thing
0:12:31 > 0:12:35and they were... These younger men were doing it and they were...
0:12:35 > 0:12:36It was really serious.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42- I'm just...- You were on YouTube, watching Turkish dogging!
0:12:44 > 0:12:47I'm not joking, I'm so serious.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50I'm wondering if some of these Turkish rules
0:12:50 > 0:12:52couldn't be introduced to kabaddi. How fantastic!
0:12:52 > 0:12:55We should have a QI kabaddi team.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Would it be us versus other panel shows?
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Oh, that's a very interesting idea.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01I wouldn't want to go up against
0:13:01 > 0:13:03the Have I Got News For You kabaddi team.
0:13:03 > 0:13:04I reckon Hislop's got moves.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09I think Pointless kabaddi. Me against Richard Osman.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16We finally have the sport that television needs, that's what I think.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Celebrity Death Match Kabaddi.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21- I can see it.- Write this down!
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Fantastic. We've invented a new sport,
0:13:23 > 0:13:25it was well worth the whole thing.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28From nonsense to neuroscience.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31What's the worst noise in the world?
0:13:32 > 0:13:34'Do you know...?'
0:13:34 > 0:13:36- Yes?- I believe I've mentioned it before tonight.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38That would be Coldplay B-sides.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Not everyone applauding. Quite a lot of people going,
0:13:46 > 0:13:49"I LIKE Coldplay B-sides."
0:13:49 > 0:13:51So, we have some props. You can make some noises.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53- Oh, hello.- Let's have a look.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55So, let's start with Nish and Alan.
0:13:55 > 0:13:56BEEP
0:13:56 > 0:13:57That's very irritating, isn't it?
0:13:57 > 0:14:01Oh, God. All right, stop it.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03LOUD HORN
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Do you remember what that is, Nish?
0:14:05 > 0:14:07- This is a vuvuzela. - It is a vuvuzela, yes.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Which ruined the 2010 World Cup.
0:14:09 > 0:14:10It's a hideous noise, isn't it?
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Luckily I have grade seven in vuvuzela, so we're fine.
0:14:13 > 0:14:14HONK
0:14:14 > 0:14:16SHRILL SCRATCHING Oh, Alan, Alan.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18AUDIENCE GROANS
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Fingers on a chalkboard!
0:14:23 > 0:14:24That is awful.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29A RECORDER IS PLAYED TUNELESSLY
0:14:33 > 0:14:35We've got a band going, don't stop!
0:14:37 > 0:14:39SCRATCHY VIOLIN
0:14:39 > 0:14:43I've got a mirror and this cube of white stuff...
0:14:43 > 0:14:45LAUGHTER
0:14:48 > 0:14:52Is the most annoying sound in the world me on drugs?
0:14:52 > 0:14:55I think...this is polystyrene.
0:14:55 > 0:14:56- Yes.- And...
0:14:56 > 0:14:58SQUEAKING Oh!
0:14:58 > 0:15:01The Journal of Neuroscience did the top-10 most annoying sounds.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Apparently the most annoying is a knife on a bottle,
0:15:04 > 0:15:06but we haven't been able to work out why that is.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08This one we can do. This is number two.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11- A fork...- Oh, God.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13LAUGHTER
0:15:13 > 0:15:15# I got the power! #
0:15:15 > 0:15:18- FORK SCRAPING ON PLATE - Ugh, stop, stop, stop.
0:15:18 > 0:15:19Aargh!
0:15:19 > 0:15:22That's very unpleasant, isn't it?
0:15:22 > 0:15:24The worst sound, I think, is Stan Collymore on talkSPORT.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30There's going to be a long list of people who hate you now!
0:15:30 > 0:15:33- I've got... This is the old... - Yes, yes.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35SMOKE ALARM BEEPS
0:15:35 > 0:15:39What is worse than this, is when it just goes...
0:15:39 > 0:15:40Doot!
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Oh, yes.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44And four minutes later goes...
0:15:44 > 0:15:45Doot!
0:15:47 > 0:15:50And you can't work out which one it is. It's somewhere in the house.
0:15:51 > 0:15:52Doot!
0:15:53 > 0:15:57The thing I love about any sort of smoke alarm is that
0:15:57 > 0:15:59we've advanced so far technologically,
0:15:59 > 0:16:03and yet we still haven't got beyond the only way to solve a smoke alarm
0:16:03 > 0:16:05is to have a tea towel and just do this underneath it.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08I was in a hotel once, and I was...a bit pissed,
0:16:08 > 0:16:11and I fell asleep on the bed in my clothes.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15And then I was woken up by this terrible noise in the room
0:16:15 > 0:16:18and I thought, "What is that?" This, "Whee-whee-whee!"
0:16:18 > 0:16:20And there was this thing on the ceiling
0:16:20 > 0:16:23and I started hitting it with my shoe, as hard as I could,
0:16:23 > 0:16:26and then it fell off the ceiling and it was dangling by a wire.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28And then I rang reception and said,
0:16:28 > 0:16:31"There's a thing in my room making a terrible noise."
0:16:31 > 0:16:34And they said, "That's the fire alarm, sir, will you please evacuate."
0:16:34 > 0:16:36LAUGHTER
0:16:39 > 0:16:42And I said, "Oh, just so you know, when it went off,
0:16:42 > 0:16:44"it kind of fell from the ceiling."
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Then I went out on the street and I was the only person in clothes.
0:16:55 > 0:16:59So I can possibly top all the noises that we have had so far.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Has anybody ever seen these being played?
0:17:02 > 0:17:03- Ah!- Is that...?
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Yes, it's an extraordinary noise, but here's the thing,
0:17:06 > 0:17:101761, Benjamin Franklin was visiting in Cambridge, in England,
0:17:10 > 0:17:13and he saw the glasses being played and he thought,
0:17:13 > 0:17:14"I can improve on this."
0:17:14 > 0:17:17And he developed something called a glass armonica.
0:17:17 > 0:17:22It's 37 bowls and they are mounted horizontally on an iron spindle,
0:17:22 > 0:17:24and they're turned by means of a foot pedal
0:17:24 > 0:17:26and the sound is then produced by touching the rims.
0:17:26 > 0:17:30There it is. It is the most extraordinary noise.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33They're painted different colours, according to the pitch of the notes.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Franklin used to play this at dinner parties,
0:17:37 > 0:17:40and it really took off, and thousands were built.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43There was a factory employing over 100 people making glass armonicas.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Lots of the performers were women.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48There was a woman, Marianne Davies, and she toured all over Europe.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51She taught Marie Antoinette to play the glass armonica.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54- There she is.- "Here we see Marie Antoinette pleasuring an armadillo."
0:17:57 > 0:17:59That's one of the worst sounds in the world,
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Marie Antoinette pleasuring an armadillo.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04"I'll get a tune out of this armadillo, you just watch me."
0:18:07 > 0:18:09I have important things to tell you about the glass armonica.
0:18:09 > 0:18:10Crack on, girl, crack on.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13No, I want to know about pleasuring an armadillo.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15My brain's gone off in the wrong direction.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17So, anyway, it got a very bad reputation,
0:18:17 > 0:18:20because it was thought at first it had a sort of soothing effect
0:18:20 > 0:18:23and then eventually people thought it drove you mad to listen to it
0:18:23 > 0:18:25and that it would even summon the dead.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28And people who played it said they got mental anguish
0:18:28 > 0:18:29from the vibrations.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32In fact, the chances are they were getting lead poisoning
0:18:32 > 0:18:35because the lead was leaching out of the glass and into their system.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Do they revive them and get them out for the Proms
0:18:38 > 0:18:39or anything like that?
0:18:39 > 0:18:41The only time I ever heard one played
0:18:41 > 0:18:42is outside Paul Revere's house in Boston.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45There's a woman who plays and you give her money to stop.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49How have we had this whole conversation
0:18:49 > 0:18:51and no-one has mentioned bagpipes?
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Yes, what do you think, are you in favour...?
0:18:53 > 0:18:54- I'm against bagpipes.- Against.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57What it was for me, I stayed at the Edinburgh Festival one year
0:18:57 > 0:18:59and made the mistake of staying in a hotel on Princes Street
0:18:59 > 0:19:03and there's a guy with a bagpipe comes out, 10am,
0:19:03 > 0:19:07kicks off outside the Waverley Shopping Centre.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09I was going to hire a sniper.
0:19:11 > 0:19:15You were inside your hotel trying to hit the fire alarm.
0:19:15 > 0:19:19But the weird thing is, if you are the other side of the hotel,
0:19:19 > 0:19:22you've got the bloke with the panpipes.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24- Oh, yes!- Oh, I love those!
0:19:24 > 0:19:27The panpipe bloke, where did he come from? What's he doing in Scotland?!
0:19:27 > 0:19:30I like the panpipes, except,
0:19:30 > 0:19:33when you go up to the panpipers and you buy one of their tapes,
0:19:33 > 0:19:36they're playing things like Greensleeves and that kind of thing.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38You don't want that, you want traditional Peruvian...
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Hits by John Williams, that kind of thing, yeah.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43Do you think they have to pay rights to...Henry VIII or whatever?
0:19:43 > 0:19:45I didn't think that through, but...
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Have you ever tried saying to buskers,
0:19:49 > 0:19:52"How much do you make an hour?" They say, "Oh, about £25."
0:19:52 > 0:19:54You go, "Here's 26, now, just for an hour, ssh!"
0:19:54 > 0:19:58Now, make of this nonsensical question what you will.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02Who blows their nose for something to eat?
0:20:02 > 0:20:03My children.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07There might be some good bacteria in your mucus.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09That's what I was told about children,
0:20:09 > 0:20:12doing that does actually help their immune system,
0:20:12 > 0:20:14- to consume their bogeys.- Yeah.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Was that one of your children that told you that?
0:20:19 > 0:20:21"It's very good for me, actually."
0:20:21 > 0:20:23There is a conflict of interest there.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Is it an anteater?
0:20:25 > 0:20:26Is it an anteater?!
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Well, they suck up ants through their noses, don't they?
0:20:29 > 0:20:33Yes, but we are actually looking for something that blows its nose.
0:20:33 > 0:20:34Blows its nose.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36- Yes.- Bird? Mammal.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38- Bird...- Mammal...- Mammal...- Bird?
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Are you trying to psyche me out so I tell you?
0:20:40 > 0:20:44- I'm trying, I'm trying. - OK, it's a worm! You did it.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Worms haven't got noses, they've got spiracles!
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Oh, well, here's the extraordinary thing.
0:20:49 > 0:20:50Have a look at this.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Prepare yourselves for this bit of footage.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54This is...
0:20:54 > 0:20:55AUDIENCE GROANS
0:21:05 > 0:21:06Make it stop!
0:21:09 > 0:21:11It's called a nemertea, or a ribbon worm,
0:21:11 > 0:21:13and it literally blows its nose.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17So it explosively injects its proboscis from its body
0:21:17 > 0:21:18in search of food.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20They are also known as proboscis worms.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22- Is that snot, then? - No, it's its nose.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26When they detect food or prey, the muscle contractions of the body wall
0:21:26 > 0:21:28forces the proboscis, literally its nose,
0:21:28 > 0:21:31out of the body and turns it inside-out, like a rubber glove.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34- Right.- OK. And the one that's shown here is a gorgon worm,
0:21:34 > 0:21:37and it's got these branching, spaghetti-like tentacles
0:21:37 > 0:21:41on its proboscis which then envelops the prey
0:21:41 > 0:21:44with a sticky toxin and draws it back into the body.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47Are you telling me that it ate that bloke?
0:21:50 > 0:21:54- Let's have another look. Let's have one more look.- No, let's not!
0:21:58 > 0:22:00- It's amazing, isn't it?- No!
0:22:04 > 0:22:05And again!
0:22:07 > 0:22:08It's like those people on YouTube
0:22:08 > 0:22:11who watch people squeezing spots and stuff like that.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13I mean, what is wrong with people?!
0:22:13 > 0:22:16What is wrong with your YouTube search history?!
0:22:17 > 0:22:21Turkish dogging, spot squeezing... Add this to the list -
0:22:21 > 0:22:23freaky worm eating a bloke.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Wow, Holly, thank God we had you on the show
0:22:25 > 0:22:28so you could take a break from these things!
0:22:28 > 0:22:30What is that? What is that?
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Well, OK, here's the thing that will upset you.
0:22:33 > 0:22:34Oh, THIS will upset me!
0:22:36 > 0:22:39They can regenerate lost body parts,
0:22:39 > 0:22:41so any nemertean are able to do that,
0:22:41 > 0:22:44but there is one species, and this is it,
0:22:44 > 0:22:47the ramphogordius sanguineus, and it is exceptional.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Any body part that is severed,
0:22:49 > 0:22:52apart from maybe the tip of the tail where there aren't any nerves,
0:22:52 > 0:22:53can regrow into a new worm,
0:22:53 > 0:22:56so you could take a worm that is only 15 centimetres long
0:22:56 > 0:23:00and it is claimed that more than 200,000 worms could result
0:23:00 > 0:23:03from that one tiny, little worm.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05That's extraordinary, isn't it?
0:23:05 > 0:23:06Isn't that unbelievable?
0:23:06 > 0:23:10The most common nemertean around the UK is called the bootlace worm.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12It can grow to ENORMOUS lengths.
0:23:12 > 0:23:16There was one that washed ashore in St Andrews in Scotland in 1864
0:23:16 > 0:23:19that was said to be 180 feet long,
0:23:19 > 0:23:21which makes it arguably the longest of all animals.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Extraordinary, aren't they?
0:23:24 > 0:23:27And now a question from a master of nonsense, Mr Lewis Carroll.
0:23:27 > 0:23:31Which is more useful, a clock which is right twice a day,
0:23:31 > 0:23:34or a clock which is right once every two years?
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Wow. Now, is it going to be
0:23:37 > 0:23:41that all clocks are right once every two years
0:23:41 > 0:23:44and the clock that has stopped is right twice a day, so it's the...
0:23:44 > 0:23:45it's the first one?
0:23:45 > 0:23:49Which was the first, sorry? LAUGHTER
0:23:49 > 0:23:53- SHAKILY:- If you promise not to show me the worm...
0:23:53 > 0:23:55I'll say anything you want.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58I think that clocks are never quite right,
0:23:58 > 0:24:01but every two years they are right.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04That's one of those bullshit statements, isn't it?
0:24:04 > 0:24:06If it's the two-year one,
0:24:06 > 0:24:09is it like losing a second every hour or something like that,
0:24:09 > 0:24:12so therefore you can kind of ballpark what time it is.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14You're exactly right. So, the idea that the clock
0:24:14 > 0:24:16that's right twice a day - yes, Alan, well done -
0:24:16 > 0:24:19it has, of course, stopped, it can't tell us anything about the time,
0:24:19 > 0:24:22- so you'd have no idea when it was right.- No.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24But a clock that's right once every two years,
0:24:24 > 0:24:26that's a clock that loses a minute a day,
0:24:26 > 0:24:29but you could tell the time from it if you knew how slow it was
0:24:29 > 0:24:31and it was a question that Lewis Carroll wrote about
0:24:31 > 0:24:34in a wonderful miscellany that he wrote called The Rectory Umbrella
0:24:34 > 0:24:36and it's one of the things that he was most passionate about.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38If you think about Alice In Wonderland,
0:24:38 > 0:24:40the rabbit has a watch and talks about being late,
0:24:40 > 0:24:42there's a sense about time in a lot of his writing,
0:24:42 > 0:24:44he was slightly obsessed with it.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Now, if we are talking about telling time,
0:24:46 > 0:24:48I want you to have a look at this.
0:24:48 > 0:24:52- So, this box, it contains... PHILL:- A worm!
0:24:52 > 0:24:53It's got a worm in it.
0:24:53 > 0:24:57It's got no dial, it's got...
0:24:57 > 0:25:01You can see, it's got no obvious way of telling the time,
0:25:01 > 0:25:02but it will tell you the time.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Any thoughts as to how you might do it?
0:25:05 > 0:25:06- CLEARLY:- What's the time?
0:25:08 > 0:25:09You don't need to take it outdoors?
0:25:09 > 0:25:12- You don't need to take it outdoors, you don't...- Do you knock on it?
0:25:12 > 0:25:16You do. It was designed at the Copenhagen Institute Of Design.
0:25:16 > 0:25:20One of the things I'm putting in the show are random Scandinavian facts.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22This is today's Randi Scandi.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25LAUGHTER
0:25:25 > 0:25:27So, if you have a listen,
0:25:27 > 0:25:28I will knock on it to ask the time
0:25:28 > 0:25:31and it will knock back what the time is.
0:25:31 > 0:25:35NINE RHYTHMIC KNOCKS, PAUSE
0:25:35 > 0:25:38PHILL IMPERSONATES COUNTDOWN CLOCK, TWO RHYTHMIC KNOCKS
0:25:38 > 0:25:40So it did nine and then ten minute increments,
0:25:40 > 0:25:41so it's 20 minutes past.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44This was in fact built for us by Paul Plowman who is here.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Where is Paul? Let's give him a round of applause. There we are.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55I want one of those. I think that's absolutely fantastic.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58A clock that runs behind is better than one that doesn't work at all.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01Now, name a nonsense museum.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04- The Leicester Gas Museum? - Is there a gas museum?
0:26:04 > 0:26:05- Yes!- I want to go.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07I went there, it was amazing,
0:26:07 > 0:26:09and the guy who runs it is a James Bond lookalike.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11But he asked us to guess who he was a lookalike of
0:26:11 > 0:26:15- and we didn't get it, so I'm not sure how successful he is. - That's not so good.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Does he look like a specific James Bond?
0:26:17 > 0:26:19He looks like the Scottish guy.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Is it unlucky to mention him?
0:26:24 > 0:26:26- "You're not allowed to say..." - The Scottish Bond!
0:26:26 > 0:26:28"..The Scottish James Bond."
0:26:28 > 0:26:31And because we were so enthusiastic,
0:26:31 > 0:26:35he gave us some British Gas tracksuits from 1988.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Is he supposed to give away the exhibits? That doesn't seem right.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41My favourite, there's a Pencil Museum in Cumbria.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43- Yes.- It's brilliant.- In Keswick.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Keswick. It's got the world's biggest pencil, which is massive.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49You go and they show you how they make pencils,
0:26:49 > 0:26:51they show you how pencils were invented,
0:26:51 > 0:26:53you can have a pencil with your name on it.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56It's like the best museum in the world.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58Until I went to McLean in Texas,
0:26:58 > 0:27:00where they have the Barbed Wire Museum.
0:27:00 > 0:27:01They do!
0:27:01 > 0:27:03- NISH:- How do you get in?
0:27:03 > 0:27:04Exactly!
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Barbed wire is the thing that changed
0:27:09 > 0:27:12the entire face of America, because that thing that we think about,
0:27:12 > 0:27:14the Wild West, was only about a 20-year period of history
0:27:14 > 0:27:16because barbed wire came in and it was impossible
0:27:16 > 0:27:19to drive cattle across the country, so it's hugely important.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22- But it is an extraordinary museum. - Oh, yeah, yeah. It's great.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25- AMERICAN ACCENT:- "That piece of barbed wire there,
0:27:25 > 0:27:27"that's over 200 year old."
0:27:28 > 0:27:31The best museum I've ever been to is the Margaret Mitchell Museum,
0:27:31 > 0:27:33which is in Atlanta, Georgia. Margaret Mitchell, of course,
0:27:33 > 0:27:35wrote Gone With The Wind and there was a big picture
0:27:35 > 0:27:38behind the woman selling the tickets and it was of a massive fire.
0:27:38 > 0:27:39I said, "Oh, what's the picture for?"
0:27:39 > 0:27:44She said, "Well, unfortunately, 1982, the museum burned down."
0:27:44 > 0:27:47I said, "Oh, that's a shame. You rebuilt it?"
0:27:47 > 0:27:48She said, "Yes, we rebuilt it.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50"Then, unfortunately, four years later,
0:27:50 > 0:27:52"darned thing burned down again."
0:27:52 > 0:27:54And the result is they have nothing
0:27:54 > 0:27:57that ever belonged to Margaret Mitchell.
0:27:58 > 0:28:03So you get shown around and they say, "This chair here is very like..."
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Everything is "very like".
0:28:09 > 0:28:12The Titanic Museum in Belfast, they've got a reproduction
0:28:12 > 0:28:16of the central staircase in the main atrium on the Titanic
0:28:16 > 0:28:19and the thing is, you're not allowed to see the staircase,
0:28:19 > 0:28:22it's in a shut-off bit and you go, "Where's the staircase?"
0:28:22 > 0:28:26They go, "That's upstairs and you can only go if you have Sunday tea."
0:28:26 > 0:28:28- Seriously? You can't...? - I go, "It's Wednesday!"
0:28:28 > 0:28:30"Come back Sunday...
0:28:30 > 0:28:32"and have tea!
0:28:32 > 0:28:34"Then you can see the stairs!
0:28:34 > 0:28:36"It's great!
0:28:36 > 0:28:40"They've got carpet on them!"
0:28:40 > 0:28:42Then you go in the museum and you think,
0:28:42 > 0:28:45"Oh, there's going to be all manner of Titanic knick-knacks."
0:28:45 > 0:28:46They've got one letter.
0:28:46 > 0:28:50One letter, written by a doctor that was actually on the Titanic.
0:28:50 > 0:28:51A letter. One...
0:28:51 > 0:28:54It's a Titanic MUSEUM!
0:28:54 > 0:28:57Yeah, but I liked it because of all the things
0:28:57 > 0:29:00- about how many rivets there were. - Yeah.
0:29:00 > 0:29:02I was once on one of those tours around Manhattan
0:29:02 > 0:29:04and we went under the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge
0:29:04 > 0:29:07and the guy said, "This bridge is enormous," he said how many rivets it had.
0:29:07 > 0:29:10He said, "If you took all the pieces it took to make this bridge
0:29:10 > 0:29:11"and you laid them end to end,
0:29:11 > 0:29:13"the bridge would fall down."
0:29:17 > 0:29:20Anyway, there is actually a Nonsense Museum.
0:29:20 > 0:29:23The Nonseum in Herrnbaumgarten in Austria.
0:29:23 > 0:29:28It was founded in 1994 and it houses a collection of absurdist items.
0:29:28 > 0:29:32So it has things like the selfie rifle.
0:29:34 > 0:29:36One previous owner.
0:29:36 > 0:29:39This crockery set, I think, is a very useful thing.
0:29:39 > 0:29:41This is divorce crockery.
0:29:42 > 0:29:46And these are keyhole-shaped spectacles for voyeurs.
0:29:46 > 0:29:49LAUGHTER
0:29:51 > 0:29:54And the next one is something I absolutely would like to have.
0:29:54 > 0:29:56This is a biological lawnmower.
0:29:58 > 0:30:01That's not a real sheep!
0:30:01 > 0:30:03But there's also some very good stuff.
0:30:03 > 0:30:07The US Patent Office is a tremendous place to look for nonsensical items.
0:30:07 > 0:30:10For example, the Behringer vacuum cleaner, this is a depressing thing.
0:30:10 > 0:30:13It's from before the time of the electric vacuum cleaner.
0:30:13 > 0:30:15Basically, the man's had a busy day and he comes home
0:30:15 > 0:30:18and he sits in his rocking chair, reads the paper, smokes a pipe,
0:30:18 > 0:30:21and he rocks, and the action of rocking enables the woman,
0:30:21 > 0:30:26quite rightly, to do the hoovering.
0:30:26 > 0:30:29What happens in figures 1-11?
0:30:33 > 0:30:35Is that where the dust goes down?
0:30:35 > 0:30:37I think 13 is where she throttles him with that long hose.
0:30:39 > 0:30:43The worst example of these is the centrifugal birthing machine.
0:30:43 > 0:30:47So this was invented in the 1960s by George and Charlotte Blonsky,
0:30:47 > 0:30:49who I can only imagine did not actually have children.
0:30:49 > 0:30:52So, women were strapped to it and rotated
0:30:52 > 0:30:54at a speed dictated by the doctor.
0:30:54 > 0:30:57And when it was delivered, the baby landed in a net...
0:30:57 > 0:30:59LAUGHTER
0:31:00 > 0:31:03..which triggered the machine to stop.
0:31:03 > 0:31:05I love the idea that all other midwives were like,
0:31:05 > 0:31:07"Kabaddi, kabaddi, kabaddi..."
0:31:10 > 0:31:12That would be awesome. What a way to come out.
0:31:12 > 0:31:15Something that would be like that would be a birthing trebuchet.
0:31:15 > 0:31:16Yeah.
0:31:16 > 0:31:18So you're labouring away
0:31:18 > 0:31:22and then they strap you to a catapult, but then, bang!
0:31:22 > 0:31:25It's like getting ketchup out the bottom of the...thing.
0:31:27 > 0:31:29Just the force of the boom. They'd be, "Whoa!"
0:31:29 > 0:31:32You've forgotten the cord, Phill.
0:31:32 > 0:31:34That baby's coming back.
0:31:34 > 0:31:37LAUGHTER
0:31:37 > 0:31:40APPLAUSE
0:31:40 > 0:31:42Anyway, moving on...
0:31:42 > 0:31:45The other invention that I like is the pedestrian catcher.
0:31:45 > 0:31:47When they first got trams in Los Angeles,
0:31:47 > 0:31:50they were very worried that it was going to hit some pedestrians
0:31:50 > 0:31:52and on old-fashioned American trains
0:31:52 > 0:31:53there used to be a thing called a cow catcher
0:31:53 > 0:31:55and they wanted something rather similar,
0:31:55 > 0:31:57but they didn't want to knock people out of the way,
0:31:57 > 0:32:03so they put a long, thin, upholstered sofa across the front of the tram.
0:32:03 > 0:32:06The idea was that it would comfortably catch you.
0:32:06 > 0:32:07Just carry on.
0:32:07 > 0:32:11What they really should have is a bouncy castle on the front...
0:32:11 > 0:32:13- Yeah, yeah.- ..of every vehicle. - Everything, yeah.
0:32:13 > 0:32:16Do you know what they call a bouncy castle in America?
0:32:16 > 0:32:18- A bounce house.- Do they?
0:32:18 > 0:32:19Yeah, we call it a bouncy castle.
0:32:19 > 0:32:22- I think that says so much about our regard for history.- Yes.
0:32:22 > 0:32:24Peasants!
0:32:26 > 0:32:29In America, there are three places called Fort Nonsense
0:32:29 > 0:32:31but only one called Nowhere.
0:32:31 > 0:32:34What's the official name for the middle of nowhere?
0:32:35 > 0:32:38There is a place in the world that is the middle of nowhere.
0:32:38 > 0:32:39Where, Croydon?
0:32:39 > 0:32:41AUDIENCE MEMBER GROANS
0:32:41 > 0:32:43I'm from Croydon, so I can say that, OK?
0:32:43 > 0:32:46It's the centre of the least-populated bit?
0:32:46 > 0:32:48You're absolutely in the right area.
0:32:48 > 0:32:50So where would you find the least number of people?
0:32:50 > 0:32:51Not necessarily on the land, maybe?
0:32:51 > 0:32:53- Oh.- The ocean?
0:32:53 > 0:32:55It's a part of the Pacific.
0:32:55 > 0:32:58It is as far from land as it is possible to get on the Earth
0:32:58 > 0:33:00and it's called Point Nemo.
0:33:00 > 0:33:03It is 1,700 miles from any coast.
0:33:03 > 0:33:06Named, of course, after the submarine captain
0:33:06 > 0:33:07in 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea.
0:33:07 > 0:33:11- And there's a Starbucks there, right?- Yeah, there's a Starbucks.
0:33:11 > 0:33:15Nemo, Latin rendering of the ancient Greek Outis, meaning "nobody".
0:33:15 > 0:33:18It's also known as the oceanic pole of inaccessibility.
0:33:18 > 0:33:20And here is the extraordinary thing -
0:33:20 > 0:33:23you'd think there's nothing there, but it is a spacecraft graveyard.
0:33:23 > 0:33:27There are more than 160 spacecraft littering the ocean floor there.
0:33:27 > 0:33:29I have to say, they're mostly Russian.
0:33:29 > 0:33:32So here's the thing - it's much cheaper to allow
0:33:32 > 0:33:35the orbit to decay naturally than to push it out into space.
0:33:35 > 0:33:37But when they know they're going to do this to a spacecraft
0:33:37 > 0:33:39they have to see if there are any sailors in the area
0:33:39 > 0:33:42and ring them or contact them by radio and make sure that they know.
0:33:42 > 0:33:46And if you pass Point Nemo at the right time of day
0:33:46 > 0:33:49you'll be closer to the astronauts on the space station,
0:33:49 > 0:33:53250 miles away, than to any other human being on Earth.
0:33:53 > 0:33:56Isn't that extraordinary?
0:33:56 > 0:33:58And now it's time for the most nonsensical bit of all,
0:33:58 > 0:34:02general ignorance. Fingers on buzzers, please.
0:34:02 > 0:34:06More than 1,000 stone examples of what are found on Easter Island?
0:34:06 > 0:34:07'..old cat.'
0:34:08 > 0:34:09Giant heads.
0:34:09 > 0:34:11KLAXON
0:34:13 > 0:34:15APPLAUSE
0:34:15 > 0:34:17There are giant heads, they're called Moai.
0:34:17 > 0:34:18There's 887 of them,
0:34:18 > 0:34:21but it isn't the thing that there's more than 1,000 of.
0:34:21 > 0:34:25There are more than 1,000 - 1,233, in fact -
0:34:25 > 0:34:27chicken stone houses.
0:34:27 > 0:34:29There they are. And here's the extraordinary thing -
0:34:29 > 0:34:31there are no trees on Easter Island.
0:34:31 > 0:34:34I thought you were going to say there were no chickens!
0:34:34 > 0:34:37No chickens, they live in hope!
0:34:37 > 0:34:40The chief came out and said, "We must build houses for the chickens.
0:34:40 > 0:34:42"When the chickens come..."
0:34:43 > 0:34:45But the chickens, they never came.
0:34:45 > 0:34:47"What shall we put in the chicken houses?"
0:34:47 > 0:34:49"Wait for the chickens!"
0:34:49 > 0:34:51"Make some heads. Make some heads!"
0:34:52 > 0:34:55Just one empty Nando's on the outer island.
0:34:57 > 0:34:59No, there are chickens, it's their main source of food,
0:34:59 > 0:35:02but there are no trees at all on Easter Island.
0:35:02 > 0:35:03There used to be, thousands of them.
0:35:03 > 0:35:06So, what are you going to do to protect your chickens?
0:35:06 > 0:35:08And what you did was, you built a house like this,
0:35:08 > 0:35:11with a single, small entrance that you could close up
0:35:11 > 0:35:13with a suitable, flush-fitting stone,
0:35:13 > 0:35:15and your neighbour would be unable to find the entrance.
0:35:15 > 0:35:17I think I've lived in London for too long,
0:35:17 > 0:35:21because I'm looking at that, thinking, "Looks all right."
0:35:23 > 0:35:25600 a month? Yes, please.
0:35:27 > 0:35:30Let's have a look at the heads. What's missing from this picture?
0:35:30 > 0:35:32Hair.
0:35:32 > 0:35:34Well, weirdly enough they used to have a sort of topknot,
0:35:34 > 0:35:36a red topknot. So huge kind of headpieces.
0:35:36 > 0:35:39We don't know why or indeed how they got them up there,
0:35:39 > 0:35:41- but something else is missing. - The rest of his body is underground.
0:35:41 > 0:35:44The body. Absolutely right. People used to think that
0:35:44 > 0:35:46they were only heads but, in fact, they have bodies as well.
0:35:46 > 0:35:48And the other thing they used to have, they used to have eyes.
0:35:48 > 0:35:50Extraordinary eyes that were detachable.
0:35:50 > 0:35:53They were made of coral and they were inserted for special occasions.
0:35:53 > 0:35:54Like my nan.
0:35:56 > 0:35:58Stick her eye in for a special occasion?
0:35:58 > 0:35:59Christmas.
0:35:59 > 0:36:02"I'll pop me coral eyes in."
0:36:02 > 0:36:04The volcano where the stones come from, Rano Raraku,
0:36:04 > 0:36:06which is where they were carved...
0:36:06 > 0:36:09The only volcano named by Scooby-Doo.
0:36:09 > 0:36:12- SHAGGY VOICE:- "What volcano are we going to, Scoob?"
0:36:12 > 0:36:13- SCOOBY VOICE:- "Rano Raraku!"
0:36:13 > 0:36:15LAUGHTER
0:36:15 > 0:36:17APPLAUSE
0:36:20 > 0:36:22We now think that it was a sacred site
0:36:22 > 0:36:24and all the statues fan out from the volcano,
0:36:24 > 0:36:27so it's not the workplace, it's the actual sacred site.
0:36:27 > 0:36:30Lads, lads, lads, beautiful sunset.
0:36:30 > 0:36:32Lads! Behind you!
0:36:34 > 0:36:38It does look like an ancient stone carving of a stag do.
0:36:38 > 0:36:43And the one with the brick on his head, he was the stag.
0:36:44 > 0:36:49Anyway, how many Rex Britanniae have been called Alan?
0:36:49 > 0:36:51One.
0:36:51 > 0:36:54One is the absolutely right answer.
0:36:54 > 0:36:55APPLAUSE
0:36:55 > 0:36:57- Kabaddi!- Kabaddi!
0:37:00 > 0:37:02Well done. It means "King of Brittany".
0:37:02 > 0:37:04And there's been one. He was called Alan the Great.
0:37:04 > 0:37:06The Great Alan, he was a lovely man.
0:37:06 > 0:37:09He was given the title by the Emperor Charles the Fat.
0:37:11 > 0:37:15Yeah, he was around 876, until his death in 907.
0:37:15 > 0:37:18By the time he died, there was another Emperor, Charles the Simple.
0:37:18 > 0:37:21When did they switch to the number system for naming the Charleses?
0:37:21 > 0:37:24When you had to have Hotmail addresses.
0:37:24 > 0:37:26Yeah, that's true.
0:37:27 > 0:37:28Alan's main adversary,
0:37:28 > 0:37:31you have to say it very carefully, because it's called F-U-L-K.
0:37:31 > 0:37:33What do you think, Falk? Foolk?
0:37:33 > 0:37:34- Fulk of Angou?- Yeah.
0:37:34 > 0:37:36I don't fulking know.
0:37:37 > 0:37:39What's that's depicting?
0:37:39 > 0:37:41Well, after Alan died, Brittany was overrun by Vikings
0:37:41 > 0:37:44and they were in turn driven out by Alan's grandson who was Alan II,
0:37:44 > 0:37:47but he wasn't a king so he doesn't count as a Rex.
0:37:47 > 0:37:49What you can see in this picture is Alan the Simple,
0:37:49 > 0:37:51who's trying to hit a fire alarm.
0:37:52 > 0:37:55- Just to the right, off shot. - Got his shoe off.
0:37:57 > 0:37:58Just a sandal.
0:37:58 > 0:38:01Brittany was the original Little Britain, as opposed to Great Britain.
0:38:01 > 0:38:04That's absolutely right and lots of the names that we have now
0:38:04 > 0:38:07- come from there, cos of after the Normans' names.- Exactly.
0:38:07 > 0:38:10David, Robert, Alan, all our names are French,
0:38:10 > 0:38:12we're just saying them wrong.
0:38:12 > 0:38:14- We just... Yeah.- Even Nish?!
0:38:14 > 0:38:16Not... But not Nish.
0:38:16 > 0:38:19I don't know if you came with the Normans,
0:38:19 > 0:38:22part of the Norman kabaddi team.
0:38:24 > 0:38:25Oh, wow! Imagine that!
0:38:25 > 0:38:29- FRENCH ACCENT:- "Kabaddi, kabaddi, kabaddi! Huh?!"
0:38:29 > 0:38:32It's all on a tapestry, going on for...
0:38:34 > 0:38:39In days of yore, Alan the Great was a celebrated King of Brittany.
0:38:39 > 0:38:42Now, this spider is called the house spider,
0:38:42 > 0:38:45but what is its natural habitat?
0:38:45 > 0:38:47'..get fat'
0:38:47 > 0:38:49- Yes, Nish?- A house.
0:38:49 > 0:38:51You're absolutely right.
0:38:51 > 0:38:53APPLAUSE
0:38:57 > 0:38:59- Kabaddi!- Kabaddi!- Yeah!
0:38:59 > 0:39:01House spiders really do live in houses.
0:39:01 > 0:39:05Whenever I catch them, I put them outside, which must drive them mad.
0:39:05 > 0:39:07- No, it kills them.- It kills them? - It absolutely kills them.
0:39:07 > 0:39:10They're one of a very small number of species
0:39:10 > 0:39:12specially adapted to living indoors.
0:39:12 > 0:39:15The same as if you take a garden spider and you invite it in
0:39:15 > 0:39:18from the cold and you think, it's a bit chilly out there, it will die.
0:39:18 > 0:39:19Who's doing that?!
0:39:20 > 0:39:25What idiot is going out looking for feral spiders to bring indoors?
0:39:25 > 0:39:28- So really you need a spider cupboard?- Yes.
0:39:28 > 0:39:31A special cupboard in your house, when you catch a spider,
0:39:31 > 0:39:34you put it in the spider cupboard, they're all in there together.
0:39:34 > 0:39:38- Yeah.- What kind of hellish arrangement is that?
0:39:38 > 0:39:41I just think it's probably a good thing that Peter Parker
0:39:41 > 0:39:43wasn't bitten by a radioactive house spider.
0:39:43 > 0:39:46Because it would have been a very short film
0:39:46 > 0:39:49of him just going, "I've got all this power."
0:39:49 > 0:39:51He walks out of the house - dead immediately.
0:39:51 > 0:39:54He has to stay indoors going, "There's a criminal!"
0:39:56 > 0:39:59- He's able to phone the police! - "Chase him, chase him!"
0:39:59 > 0:40:03"Spider-Man, come out." "I can't come out. I can't come out.
0:40:03 > 0:40:05"I'm a House Spider-Man."
0:40:08 > 0:40:10Iron Man would go rusty, right?
0:40:10 > 0:40:13- Yeah, exactly.- That's another... "I can't come out, it's raining.
0:40:13 > 0:40:17- "I'll seize up."- And Batman just gets smacked by someone's shoe.
0:40:17 > 0:40:20Certain people get really itchy eyes around Catwoman.
0:40:21 > 0:40:24Bruce Banner's in therapy, never gets annoyed.
0:40:26 > 0:40:27Anyway, moving on...
0:40:28 > 0:40:32What phrase do you use to end a radio conversation?
0:40:32 > 0:40:34- Come on, someone, don't make me do it.- Uh...- Go on, Holly.
0:40:34 > 0:40:36Do you go, "Over and out"?
0:40:36 > 0:40:38KLAXON
0:40:39 > 0:40:43I bought my kids walkie-talkies and they knew about over and out,
0:40:43 > 0:40:45but they didn't know how to say it, and they would say,
0:40:45 > 0:40:49I could hear them in the house going, "Out and in, out and in."
0:40:49 > 0:40:50LAUGHTER
0:40:52 > 0:40:53No. Over means,
0:40:53 > 0:40:57"This is the end of my transmission to you and a response is necessary.
0:40:57 > 0:40:59"Go ahead, transmit."
0:40:59 > 0:41:01Out means, "This is the end of my transmission to you
0:41:01 > 0:41:04"and no answer is required and expected."
0:41:04 > 0:41:08So over and out would technically mean, "You can talk now if you want,
0:41:08 > 0:41:09"but I'm not going to be listening."
0:41:12 > 0:41:14You know when you're on the phone to someone and they drop out
0:41:14 > 0:41:18of reception and it goes beep, beep, beep, and you know they've cut off.
0:41:18 > 0:41:22I'd love to be able to do that in normal conversation with someone.
0:41:22 > 0:41:26So if they just bore me, I just sit there and go, "Beep, beep, beep,"
0:41:26 > 0:41:30- and they just know to give up. - The thing I do if I'm on a train
0:41:30 > 0:41:32and my signal's gone
0:41:32 > 0:41:35but I've continued talking for at least another minute,
0:41:35 > 0:41:38then you have to save face by having a full hour-long conversation.
0:41:38 > 0:41:41You just go, "Yeah, no, it is, yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:41:41 > 0:41:44"I am SO on the phone!"
0:41:46 > 0:41:50- So, what about roger wilco? - Lovely fella. There he is.
0:41:50 > 0:41:52He was quite a looker, I reckon.
0:41:52 > 0:41:55Quite a looker? I thought you said "licker". It was hard to say!
0:41:55 > 0:42:00Roger wilco, that's, "I understand, I will cooperate," isn't it?
0:42:00 > 0:42:03So, roger is, "I have received your last transmission satisfactorily,
0:42:03 > 0:42:04"radio check is loud and clear,"
0:42:04 > 0:42:06but wilco is, "I understand and will comply,"
0:42:06 > 0:42:10so the roger part is redundant, you would never use the two together.
0:42:10 > 0:42:12That's quite enough of this nonsense.
0:42:12 > 0:42:13Let's have a look at the scores.
0:42:13 > 0:42:17And I can tell you, oh, we have a tie for first place.
0:42:17 > 0:42:19- They both have... - Fight, fight, fight...
0:42:19 > 0:42:22Kabaddi, kabaddi, kabaddi...
0:42:22 > 0:42:26They both have three points, it's Phill and Nish!
0:42:26 > 0:42:27APPLAUSE
0:42:32 > 0:42:36A very creditable third place, with -4, it's Alan.
0:42:36 > 0:42:37APPLAUSE
0:42:37 > 0:42:38Pleased with that.
0:42:38 > 0:42:42And in last place, and what an honourable place it is to be,
0:42:42 > 0:42:43with -6, it's Holly!
0:42:43 > 0:42:44APPLAUSE
0:42:51 > 0:42:54It only remains for me to thank Holly, Phill, Nish and Alan.
0:42:54 > 0:42:56And I leave you with this account of a bit of old nonsense
0:42:56 > 0:42:58from the London Evening Standard.
0:42:58 > 0:43:00"'Their behaviour was disgusting.
0:43:00 > 0:43:03"'She and her friends pulled their clothes up for pictures,
0:43:03 > 0:43:06"'lay about on the floor in compromising positions
0:43:06 > 0:43:09"'and pulled a man's trousers and pants down,'
0:43:09 > 0:43:11"a club member told the tribunal.
0:43:11 > 0:43:13"'I was absolutely horrified.
0:43:13 > 0:43:16"'You don't go for an evening out at a Conservative Club
0:43:16 > 0:43:18"'expecting to see behaviour like that.
0:43:18 > 0:43:21"'We stayed to see midnight in and then left.'"
0:43:21 > 0:43:22Goodnight.
0:43:22 > 0:43:24APPLAUSE