0:00:29 > 0:00:30APPLAUSE
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Welcome to a show
0:00:34 > 0:00:38where we will be noodling about with an enormous array of things
0:00:38 > 0:00:40beginning with N.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Please welcome the netholiginous Jerry Springer.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:48 > 0:00:51The nonalturantist Matt Lucas.
0:00:51 > 0:00:56Thank you. Thank you very much, I'm very happy to be here.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59The noctivagant Cariad Lloyd.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:03 > 0:01:06And nicky, nacky, noo,
0:01:06 > 0:01:07it's Alan Davies.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Have you been described as netholiginous before, Jerry?
0:01:15 > 0:01:16Not recently.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19It's a wonderful word, and it means producing clouds of smoke.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24And, Cariad, noctivagant means night-wandering.
0:01:25 > 0:01:26That is true, yeah.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29So mind you don't do that when Jerry's producing clouds of smoke.
0:01:29 > 0:01:30Yeah.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33- Sleep-walking, it's a sleep-walking thing.- Yeah, yeah.- Ah.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Do you sleep-walk at all?
0:01:35 > 0:01:37No, I don't sleep-walk. I'm a grown-up.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Well, that's told the rest of us. Right...
0:01:41 > 0:01:44And their buzzers have been lavishly personalised.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Jerry goes...
0:01:46 > 0:01:47- CHANTS:- 'Jerry! Jerry!
0:01:47 > 0:01:50'Jerry! Jerry!
0:01:50 > 0:01:51'Jerry! Jerry!
0:01:51 > 0:01:53'Jerry! Jerry!
0:01:53 > 0:01:55'Jerry!'
0:01:55 > 0:01:58Can you tell we're a bit excited that you're here, Jerry?
0:01:58 > 0:01:59Matt goes...
0:01:59 > 0:02:01'Nope, but yet, but no, yeah, oh, my God,
0:02:01 > 0:02:04'I so can't believe you just said that.'
0:02:04 > 0:02:06APPLAUSE
0:02:06 > 0:02:09- Cariad goes...- I don't have a famous catchphrase, so...
0:02:13 > 0:02:19# Always Cariad Always Cariad Lloyd... #
0:02:19 > 0:02:21'Oh, look, there's Cariad Lloyd!'
0:02:21 > 0:02:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:27 > 0:02:29- You have a theme tune now. - I've got a theme tune.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31You've got walk-on music.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33- Yeah!- And Alan goes...
0:02:33 > 0:02:37'Alan! Alan! Alan! Alan!
0:02:37 > 0:02:38'Alan! Al!
0:02:38 > 0:02:39'Alan! Alan!'
0:02:39 > 0:02:40SHOTGUN GOES OFF
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Anyway, moving on.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Now, I've got a list here
0:02:47 > 0:02:52of the Christian names of the first 200 parachutists
0:02:52 > 0:02:55to land in Normandy on D-Day.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57I'd like you to give me the name of any of them.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59- Their Christian names? - Any Christian name.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01- Yeah.- Vladimir. - Vladimir, we're going to start with.
0:03:05 > 0:03:06Another first name?
0:03:06 > 0:03:08- Mordechai?- Mordechai?
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Well...
0:03:12 > 0:03:14You have over 200 choices in here.
0:03:14 > 0:03:15John. Dave. William.
0:03:15 > 0:03:16Enid.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18LAUGHTER
0:03:20 > 0:03:25'Alan! Alan! Al! Alan! Alan!'
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Are you suggesting that it's Alan? SHOTGUN GOES OFF
0:03:27 > 0:03:29They were dummy people.
0:03:29 > 0:03:34They WERE dummy people. You are absolutely right.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38APPLAUSE
0:03:38 > 0:03:40The very first Allied parachutists into Normandy
0:03:40 > 0:03:42consisted of 200 dummies, six men,
0:03:42 > 0:03:44some gramophones and a pigeon.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46That's a good night!
0:03:46 > 0:03:49It's a classic, yes! Absolute classic!
0:03:49 > 0:03:52The 200 dummies were a diversionary tactic, the six men were SAS troops.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56I like this, they played battle noises on gramophones
0:03:56 > 0:03:58to divert the Germans from the real air drops,
0:03:58 > 0:04:00which were going on elsewhere.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02And the pigeon was a carrier
0:04:02 > 0:04:04strapped to the very first man to land,
0:04:04 > 0:04:06so the first soldier to land was called Norman Poole.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10I think they thought, Normandy, Norman! Let's have Norman.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13But the very first ones, there were 200 dummies,
0:04:13 > 0:04:15and they were all called Rupert.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Because British soldiers often
0:04:17 > 0:04:19referred to their officers as Ruperts.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22They were only two foot nine inches tall,
0:04:22 > 0:04:24but from the ground, they would have looked full-size.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26I've got helmets for you, if you wouldn't mind,
0:04:26 > 0:04:27just stick those on there.
0:04:27 > 0:04:28Just following orders.
0:04:28 > 0:04:29Yep.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Because we're going to show you, from the ground,
0:04:31 > 0:04:34what the parachute drop would have looked like.
0:04:34 > 0:04:35It would have looked like this.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43It's possible you didn't need the helmets,
0:04:43 > 0:04:45but, then, it is possible that you would need them.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52- I needed it, yeah.- So those are replicas, obviously, of Rupert.
0:04:52 > 0:04:53They contained firecrackers
0:04:53 > 0:04:56so that when they landed it sounded like they were firing.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58This one is anatomically correct.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04They distracted nearly a full German division, and in 2013,
0:05:04 > 0:05:06a Rupert was discovered in a garden shed in the UK,
0:05:06 > 0:05:08and nobody knows how he got back.
0:05:08 > 0:05:12We have a real one here which comes from the Museum of Army Flying
0:05:12 > 0:05:14in Middle Wallop. Don't you love this country?
0:05:14 > 0:05:17We have a place called Middle Wallop.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20It is accompanied by his curator, Susan Lindsay.
0:05:20 > 0:05:21Thank you, Susan.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Do you not think that is the coolest thing?
0:05:26 > 0:05:30Because how Rupert survived and made it all the way back to the UK,
0:05:30 > 0:05:31absolutely nobody knows.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33It's cool, but it's not as cool as Kanye.
0:05:35 > 0:05:36- It is cooler than Kanye. - Really?- Yeah.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Kanye sounds like something you'd cure with yoghurt.
0:05:42 > 0:05:43You can take your helmets off.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Here's the thing, when they took the pigeons in,
0:05:45 > 0:05:48they either were strapped onto somebody or they had
0:05:48 > 0:05:51a little parachute, and they were dropped in a container.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53In Monmouth in Wales, there was a factory
0:05:53 > 0:05:55that just made pigeon parachutes.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58And in the United States, the Maidenform bra company stopped
0:05:58 > 0:06:02manufacturing bras just to make pigeon vests and pigeon parachutes.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05And there was another extraordinary thing, and you can see a replica
0:06:05 > 0:06:08also at the Museum of Army Flying, of something called the Hamilcar.
0:06:08 > 0:06:09Look at that.
0:06:09 > 0:06:13It was a wooden glider large enough to take a seven-tonne tank.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15- Do you not think that's incredible? - Yep.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18- But would they just drop the tank? - No, no...- Oh.
0:06:18 > 0:06:19- They would land.- I see.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22It wasn't the same as the pigeons and Rupert,
0:06:22 > 0:06:24they didn't just go, "Good luck, tank," and then just shove it off.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26It's a new way of using a tank.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29You just drop it on the enemy, you don't even bother with...
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Lots of soldiers in Normandy were wearing what
0:06:31 > 0:06:33underneath their uniforms?
0:06:33 > 0:06:34Oh, Kanye West t-shirts.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38- They wore pyjamas.- Did they?
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Did they have a swimming exam later?
0:06:42 > 0:06:44To get the...get the brick.
0:06:44 > 0:06:45It was for comfort.
0:06:45 > 0:06:49And JD Salinger was present, carrying in his backpack the very first
0:06:49 > 0:06:51six chapters of The Catcher In The Rye.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53- Just an extraordinary thought, isn't it?- Wow!- Yeah.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55My favourite story from that time is Lord Lovat,
0:06:55 > 0:06:57he was the commander of the first commando brigade.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59He took with him his personal bagpiper,
0:06:59 > 0:07:01this is very British, to do this.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04He took with him Bill Millin, who was his personal bagpiper.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06In the hope that he'd get shot?
0:07:08 > 0:07:12The story is he walked slowly up and down Sword Beach in Highland dress
0:07:12 > 0:07:13playing to encourage the Allied troops,
0:07:13 > 0:07:15and then he later piped the commandos
0:07:15 > 0:07:17through the French countryside,
0:07:17 > 0:07:18and the German snipers said,
0:07:18 > 0:07:21"We didn't shoot him because we thought he'd gone mad."
0:07:21 > 0:07:23LAUGHTER
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Jerry. Now, this time that we're talking about,
0:07:28 > 0:07:29the battle of Normandy,
0:07:29 > 0:07:31you were in the UK?
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Yes. I'd been born six months earlier, yes.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35And where were you?
0:07:35 > 0:07:38I was actually born in Highgate, in the tube station.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41- During an air raid?- Not during an air raid, but you didn't know...
0:07:41 > 0:07:42Your mother just missed her train and...
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Yes.
0:07:44 > 0:07:49Women in the ninth month would often spend nights in the subway
0:07:49 > 0:07:50because those were the bomb shelters.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Have you been back to the station?
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Yeah, and there's not even a plaque there!
0:07:54 > 0:07:56LAUGHTER
0:07:56 > 0:07:57You know.
0:07:57 > 0:08:02You'd need to have been conceived to have a plaque there, I think.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04When you were Mayor of Cincinnati...
0:08:04 > 0:08:06- Yes.- 1977, is that right?
0:08:06 > 0:08:081977, '78, yeah.
0:08:08 > 0:08:09Oh, my God!
0:08:09 > 0:08:11What are you doing in that picture?
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Well, you know, when you're mayor,
0:08:13 > 0:08:15you also get a lot of ceremonial things to do,
0:08:15 > 0:08:16so it probably was some...
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Oh, I know. That's when I got circumcised.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22LAUGHTER
0:08:22 > 0:08:24That's when everybody got circumcised.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27Is it true about Cincinnati,
0:08:27 > 0:08:30that there is a full abandoned subway system that was never used,
0:08:30 > 0:08:32that's underneath the city, is that true?
0:08:32 > 0:08:33Yeah, they ran out of money, actually.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35And so it was never completed.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37- But, yeah.- So are there stations?
0:08:37 > 0:08:40- Yeah.- So why did they not do it...?
0:08:40 > 0:08:41It was before my time.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44If I were mayor, we would have finished that subway!
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Quite right.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48APPLAUSE
0:08:50 > 0:08:52From Normandy to Newcastle now,
0:08:52 > 0:08:55we know why you'd take a canary down a coal mine,
0:08:55 > 0:08:57but why would you take a dead fish?
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Is it one of those fish you put in your hand, you know,
0:08:59 > 0:09:01you used to get from the shop for a pound?
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Oh, for fortune telling?
0:09:03 > 0:09:05A fortune-telling fish. So you'd be like, "There is coal here,"
0:09:05 > 0:09:08and it rolls over and goes, "No, the coal-mining industry has gone."
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Wow, that's like the saddest fortune fish of all time.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13LAUGHTER
0:09:13 > 0:09:14If you brought a live fish down,
0:09:14 > 0:09:17they would be dead by the time you got to the bottom of the mine,
0:09:17 > 0:09:18so this just saves time.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20That's true.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23If you want to have a fish at all, just save time by killing it first.
0:09:23 > 0:09:27- Right.- Maybe, because in some cultures people eat fish.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31So... Maybe the people in the mine are peckish.
0:09:31 > 0:09:32OK. We're in Newcastle.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Do they eat fish in Newcastle?
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Oh, yes, they do.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39They have a little fishy on a little dishy when the boat comes in.
0:09:39 > 0:09:40LAUGHTER
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Dance for your daddy, my little laddie.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Is it possible you spend too much time with your small children?
0:09:46 > 0:09:49LAUGHTER
0:09:49 > 0:09:50OK, so I'm going to give you a clue.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52The fish in the picture is glowing.
0:09:52 > 0:09:53It does something down there
0:09:53 > 0:09:55that tells you that something's not right,
0:09:55 > 0:09:57and it's time to leave? Similar to the canary.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01Well, the canary was used, of course, to work out if there was...
0:10:01 > 0:10:02Poisonous gases.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05- ..if there was poisonous gases. - So the canary would die first.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Absolutely. But in the 18th century in the Newcastle coal mines,
0:10:08 > 0:10:10they used dead fish as lights.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14So some dead fish, not all, glow faintly,
0:10:14 > 0:10:18and they are safer than lamps in mines because of explosive gas.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Unfortunately, the fish have two putrefy
0:10:20 > 0:10:21in order to be able to glow,
0:10:21 > 0:10:25so the smell must have been unbelievable.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27But it is called bioluminescence.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29And they glow because of bacteria,
0:10:29 > 0:10:31and it's possible that the bacteria glow
0:10:31 > 0:10:34to attract living fish to eat the dead fish
0:10:34 > 0:10:36and that helps the bacteria to spread.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38- That is incredible. - Yeah. Cunning bacteria.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41And it's been known about for years.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Aristotle spotted that damp wood glowed,
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Pliny the Elder, he recommended using, I like this,
0:10:46 > 0:10:50a walking stick dipped in a jellyfish's glowing slime
0:10:50 > 0:10:51as a torch.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54When Kanye West played Madison Square Gardens,
0:10:54 > 0:10:57- he lit the show just with fish. - Dead fish.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01That's the same as, you know toxoplasmosis, that bacteria,
0:11:01 > 0:11:02and it lives in cats.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04It wants to be in cats.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07But if it can't get in a cat, say it infects a rat or a mouse,
0:11:07 > 0:11:10it will make the mouse not scared of cats any more,
0:11:10 > 0:11:13so that it's more likely to be ate by a cat.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15- Are you making this up?- No.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18They have found that human beings who have toxoplasmosis
0:11:18 > 0:11:19are more likely to have car crashes,
0:11:19 > 0:11:22so the bacteria is trying to kill you
0:11:22 > 0:11:24so that a cat will find you.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26- LAUGHTER - It's true.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30Is this why we have these books, to write this down?
0:11:30 > 0:11:34It's also to write down what medication Cariad is on.
0:11:34 > 0:11:35Toxoplasmosis, guys.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37It is absolutely true what Cariad is saying.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Absolutely true. The world is so extraordinary,
0:11:39 > 0:11:42there are lots of sea creatures that glow
0:11:42 > 0:11:44when they are disturbed by a boat's wake.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46So that glows. And this is a serious issue,
0:11:46 > 0:11:50so in World War I, there was a German submarine tracked and sunk
0:11:50 > 0:11:53because it had disturbed enough bioluminescent organisms.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55We could see where it was?
0:11:55 > 0:11:56Exactly. It glowed from the surface.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59And there is bacteria that's now been engineered to glow brighter in
0:11:59 > 0:12:02polluted water so you can tell if water has been polluted.
0:12:02 > 0:12:06- Yeah, usually you can smell it. - Yeah, there is that!
0:12:06 > 0:12:08And they can also use it in various ways, for example,
0:12:08 > 0:12:10they can inject mice
0:12:10 > 0:12:12with a genetically-modified glowing herpes virus.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16And who hasn't wanted to have that at some point?
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Scientists can examine how it moves through the body.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21No, I don't know why it's glowing, honey.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23LAUGHTER
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Just one of those things.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30You get up in the night, and you don't need to put the light on.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32LAUGHTER
0:12:32 > 0:12:34I can just find my way.
0:12:34 > 0:12:35LAUGHTER
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Jerry, did you know the phrase "carrying coals to Newcastle"?
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Is it a phrase with which you are familiar?
0:12:40 > 0:12:42No, we don't say that in the States.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44So, anybody here know this phrase?
0:12:44 > 0:12:45They've got coal, they know about coal,
0:12:45 > 0:12:48you're giving them something they've already got.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51So the idea is that you take it to an area that there's already lots of.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Oh, it's like taking sand to the beach.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55- Yes, exactly, or cheese to Wisconsin. - Got it.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Here's the thing - since the coal industry's decline,
0:12:57 > 0:12:59the young seem unfamiliar with this phrase.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01So we're just going to try a little experiment.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04I would like you, audience, to put your hands up if you were
0:13:04 > 0:13:07familiar with the phrase carrying coals to Newcastle.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11And now, can you put your hands down if you're aged over 30?
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Wow, it's hardly anybody.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17It's a commonplace idiom that seems to have died out pretty much
0:13:17 > 0:13:19- in one generation.- Wow.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21The Danes say "give bagerborn brod",
0:13:21 > 0:13:23which means "give the baker's children bread."
0:13:23 > 0:13:28The Greeks has a wonderful one. It is "bringing owls to Athens".
0:13:28 > 0:13:29So, first of all,
0:13:29 > 0:13:32the owl used to roost in the rafters in the Parthenon.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35It was sacred, the owl, to the patron goddess Athena,
0:13:35 > 0:13:38and it featured on the beautiful, beautiful silver coins.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40So there was no point in bringing owls to Athens,
0:13:40 > 0:13:43either the real birds or the coins, because that would be pointless.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45They had plenty. We should think of some new ones, shouldn't we?
0:13:45 > 0:13:48If we can't have coals to Newcastle, what else could we have?
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Fake tan to Essex.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52LAUGHTER
0:13:52 > 0:13:57What about bringing the footballer Andrew Cole to Newcastle?
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Because he used to play for Newcastle.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Well, that's so clever I wish I'd thought of it.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Now for a question on non-employment.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10What is the most painless way of sacking 24,000 people
0:14:10 > 0:14:11at the same time?
0:14:11 > 0:14:13- Don't tell them.- Don't tell them?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15- Don't tell them. - Just don't mention it?
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Are they dummies again? Are they fake employees that never existed?
0:14:18 > 0:14:20They are. And it did happen.
0:14:20 > 0:14:21So, it was February, 2016.
0:14:21 > 0:14:26Nigeria sacked 23,846 employees from the government payroll,
0:14:26 > 0:14:29all for the same offence - they didn't exist.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34And the move saved £8 million a month.
0:14:34 > 0:14:35They were ghost workers.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37It's a common problem,
0:14:37 > 0:14:40you get real workers collect fictional colleagues' payrolls.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43In 2011, a newborn baby was added to the government payroll
0:14:43 > 0:14:44and got £90 a month, and a diploma.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48You can get high office as well.
0:14:48 > 0:14:53In 2007, Andre Kasongo Ilunga became the Minister of Foreign Trade
0:14:53 > 0:14:56in the Democratic Republic of the Congo,
0:14:56 > 0:14:58despite the fact that he was entirely fictional.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02The Congolese law is that there has to be two candidates
0:15:02 > 0:15:04for any ministerial post.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07So there was a politician called Kasimba Ngoi,
0:15:07 > 0:15:09and he really wanted the role.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12So what he did was he invented a fake rival, this gentleman.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14- And the fake guy won?- Well...
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Kasimba assumed that the Prime Minister
0:15:18 > 0:15:21would choose the person he'd heard of.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23But, unfortunately for Mr Ngoi,
0:15:23 > 0:15:25the Prime Minister disliked him intensely
0:15:25 > 0:15:28and chose the fictional Mr Ilunga.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Mr Ngoi later claimed that Ilunga had resigned.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33But the Prime Minister said he would only accept
0:15:33 > 0:15:34the resignation in person.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36LAUGHTER
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Eventually, Ilunga was sacked.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42- Possibly for non-attendance. - For not turning up.
0:15:42 > 0:15:43But there was a guy,
0:15:43 > 0:15:47a Spanish water board employee called Joaquin Garcia, he bunked off work...
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Well, we don't exactly know, but it certainly was over six years
0:15:50 > 0:15:54that he bunked off and read the Dutch philosopher Spinoza.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57And the water board thought that the council was employing him
0:15:57 > 0:16:00and the city council thought that he was working for the water board,
0:16:00 > 0:16:03and it was only noticed that he hadn't turned up when
0:16:03 > 0:16:07he was awarded a special award for two decades of loyal service...
0:16:09 > 0:16:12- ..and nobody could find him to give it to him.- Yeah.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14That happened in Bristol.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17By the zoo there's a car park and this guy, every day,
0:16:17 > 0:16:21would collect, like, £3 to park your car, and then one day he wasn't
0:16:21 > 0:16:24there and some people were like, "Oh, where's Jeff at the car park?"
0:16:24 > 0:16:27And they said to the zoo, "Where's your car park attendant?"
0:16:27 > 0:16:29They were like, "We don't have a car park attendant."
0:16:29 > 0:16:31And he had been doing this for, like, 15 years,
0:16:31 > 0:16:34so he'd obviously just collected £3 in a really busy car park,
0:16:34 > 0:16:37- taken the money and done a runner. - Yeah, it's a great story.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40- It's unfortunately an urban myth. - Oh, no!- I know!
0:16:40 > 0:16:42- JERRY:- Oh, it's not true? - Is it definitely not true?
0:16:42 > 0:16:43No, it is definitely not true.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45I've had several people tell it to me, though.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47- I hate when several people lie. - I know!
0:16:49 > 0:16:52People from Bristol who'd said they'd met him. Damn those liars!
0:16:52 > 0:16:54I don't know, I think you're deflecting.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56I now don't trust anything you say.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00- I'm actually Kanye.- Oh!
0:17:00 > 0:17:01And you heard it here first.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03LAUGHTER
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Now, which is worse, death or Norfolk?
0:17:07 > 0:17:09LAUGHTER
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Well, you could leave Norfolk.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Yes, that's a very good point.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16But it's not the English county of Norfolk that we are talking about.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19Sometimes I think the questions on this show
0:17:19 > 0:17:22aren't quite what they seem.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26Let me give you a clue, OK. So which newly-discovered continent,
0:17:26 > 0:17:28beginning and ending in A,
0:17:28 > 0:17:32were most British convicts transported to in the 18th century?
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Australia.
0:17:34 > 0:17:35Or Australasia.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42No, not Australasia.
0:17:42 > 0:17:43Antarctica.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45- Not Antarctica.- America.
0:17:48 > 0:17:52You are absolutely right. So 1718 to 1775,
0:17:52 > 0:17:54they were sent exclusively to America,
0:17:54 > 0:17:56at least 52,000 of them.
0:17:56 > 0:17:57It wasn't America yet.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59No, it wasn't even America yet.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02And some people estimate that as many as a tenth of the migrants
0:18:02 > 0:18:04to America during that period were, in fact, British convicts.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06And Australia was only used after
0:18:06 > 0:18:08the American War of Independence broke out
0:18:08 > 0:18:10and everybody thought, "What a dangerous place.
0:18:10 > 0:18:11"Let's send them somewhere else."
0:18:11 > 0:18:15Is that the best image we could find for 52,000 people going to America?
0:18:15 > 0:18:20It looks like the Ark. It looks more like it ought to have animals on it.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22But the Norfolk we are talking about is in Australasia,
0:18:22 > 0:18:23which is what you mentioned.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26It's a tiny little island called Norfolk Island.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30And in 1825, it was established as a penal colony for a penal colony.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33So it was for people who had committed crimes
0:18:33 > 0:18:36while already serving a sentence in Australia.
0:18:36 > 0:18:37Oh, my God.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Not a place that anybody wanted to go.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41In fact, people who were sentenced to death on the mainland
0:18:41 > 0:18:44thanked God that they were not going to Norfolk Island.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Some people hated the island so much,
0:18:46 > 0:18:48they openly committed capital crimes.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51They openly would kill somebody just to be taken back to Sydney
0:18:51 > 0:18:54to be tried and executed, because it was so horrendous.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57- Have you been to English Norfolk, Jerry?- No, I haven't.- Never?
0:18:57 > 0:19:00It's fantastic. It's really, really beautiful.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04It has places called Misery Corner, Vinegar Middle,
0:19:04 > 0:19:06and there's also a place called Tuzzy Muzzy.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08There used to be a place called Nowhere,
0:19:08 > 0:19:10in which 16 people lived in 1861.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Sadly, now it's nowhere to be found.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17It's the last place in Britain where people regularly ate swan.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19So if you walk along the river - is it the Wensum?
0:19:19 > 0:19:23- You can see the swan pits. Anybody tried swan?- No.- Eaten swan?
0:19:23 > 0:19:24Not allowed, are you?
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Well, you can if you are...
0:19:27 > 0:19:29- Quick.- If you're quick.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32If you're going to dinner at St John's College, Cambridge,
0:19:32 > 0:19:34you can eat swan. But, no, you're not normally allowed to.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37But they have become a sort of wonderful symbol of love,
0:19:37 > 0:19:41and in Boston Public Gardens there are two swans, Romeo and Juliet,
0:19:41 > 0:19:43who have been together over a decade,
0:19:43 > 0:19:45who represent love to the City of Boston.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47It was found out recently they should have been called
0:19:47 > 0:19:48Juliet and Juliet, so...
0:19:48 > 0:19:50LAUGHTER
0:19:50 > 0:19:53There we are, just one of those things.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56In which country is the very highest peak of the Alps?
0:19:56 > 0:19:59Isn't Mont Blanc the tallest?
0:19:59 > 0:20:02- OK, so where is that? - Where is it, Matt?
0:20:02 > 0:20:04LAUGHTER
0:20:04 > 0:20:07Italy, I think.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09- Yeah, it's on the border. - It is, exactly on the border.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11The French-Italian border, in fact,
0:20:11 > 0:20:13passes directly over Mont Blanc's peak.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16The very highest peak of the Alps is not there.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18- Not Mont Blanc? - Neither in France, nor in Italy.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21- Switzerland? - So we'll go for Switzerland.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24I want you to think, unlikely, and I want you to think, you know...
0:20:24 > 0:20:25like a flat place.
0:20:25 > 0:20:26Is it that the Alps go much further?
0:20:26 > 0:20:28No, it's in the Netherlands.
0:20:28 > 0:20:33- Really?- There was a Swiss geologist called Horace-Benedict de Saussure,
0:20:33 > 0:20:35born in 1740,
0:20:35 > 0:20:37he led the very first expedition up Mont Blanc.
0:20:37 > 0:20:41When he got to the top, he took the top as a souvenir.
0:20:41 > 0:20:46It is now in the Teylers Museum in Haarlem in the Netherlands.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49I'm going to guess it's not quite that big.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51And it's not floating in a museum.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54He was a fantastic polymath, de Saussure.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56He's really worth looking up. He did so much for women's education,
0:20:56 > 0:20:58because he educated his daughter, Albertine.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02He's also described as the inventor of climbing, or alpinism.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05On his expedition, he took two frock coats, several waistcoats,
0:21:05 > 0:21:08his slippers, two cravats, a bed, a blanket, a mattress,
0:21:08 > 0:21:09and 18 guides.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13He was the one who got to the top.
0:21:13 > 0:21:14Did he invent climbing?
0:21:14 > 0:21:18- Well, he invented...- People were climbing in the Alps before,
0:21:18 > 0:21:22and he came along and went, "I will call this climbing."
0:21:22 > 0:21:24People must have been climbing before then, yeah.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28Probably the same guy who told you the story about the parking lot.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31Yes. Boys making things up. It's not right, is it?
0:21:31 > 0:21:33- Probably several people said it. - Several people!
0:21:33 > 0:21:35You've never had that on your show, have you?
0:21:35 > 0:21:37- People making things up? - That would be so wrong.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39That would be very wrong, Jerry.
0:21:39 > 0:21:40It would be a good topic for the show,
0:21:40 > 0:21:43"My friend claims he invented climbing."
0:21:44 > 0:21:46And the women who love him, yeah.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48LAUGHTER
0:21:48 > 0:21:52You can say any sentence in the world, and as long as you add
0:21:52 > 0:21:54- "and the women who love him"... - Yeah.- ..then you've got a show.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56LAUGHTER
0:21:56 > 0:21:58My Labrador, and the women who love him.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00There you go.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02So, the highest point of the Alps may be in the Netherlands.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Where is the highest point of the Netherlands?
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Well, a lot of it's below sea level, isn't it? It's not high at all.
0:22:07 > 0:22:12Yes, but it might not be necessarily in the low areas. Where might it be?
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Have they got a colony of some kind?
0:22:14 > 0:22:17- They have a municipality.- In Africa.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20- No, it's in the Caribbean.- Oh, nice! - Yeah.- Oh, the Caribbean, nice.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23- There's an island called Saba... - Oh, lovely.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26I say island, it's pretty much just a volcano.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29It's 887m high - it is nearly three times higher
0:22:29 > 0:22:31than the tallest bit of the European Netherlands.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34The highest bit of the Netherlands is in the Caribbean.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36There's a Dutch province called Drenthe and the highest point
0:22:36 > 0:22:40in Drenthe is a 56m-high VAM-berg -
0:22:40 > 0:22:43so that is a landscaped former rubbish dump.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46This thing of taking the top off,
0:22:46 > 0:22:49so there was an artist called Oscar Santillan in 2015,
0:22:49 > 0:22:52and he removed the topmost inch of Scafell Pike.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Can't they just leave these tops there?
0:22:54 > 0:22:56- Why are they taking them off? - I know.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59He made everybody very cross in Cumbria, the managing director,
0:22:59 > 0:23:03Ian Stephens, of Cumbrian Tourism said, "This is taking the mickey.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05"We want the top of our mountain back."
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Yeah, you'd get a mohel for that.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10A mohel? That's a Jewish gentleman who does circumcision?
0:23:10 > 0:23:11That's right, yeah.
0:23:11 > 0:23:12Yeah, that's painful.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16It happens when you're eight days old, so in theory,
0:23:16 > 0:23:20- you don't remember it. - But you two are both in pain still.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22I'm still limping, yeah.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26I don't care if it was a subway station, I'll remember it.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Wow, I'll never see Highgate station the same way again.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31LAUGHTER
0:23:31 > 0:23:35So much for some big features in the nation of the Netherlands.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40But what is Britain's biggest national secret?
0:23:40 > 0:23:42If we tell it, it won't be a secret any more.
0:23:42 > 0:23:43Ah, well, that is true,
0:23:43 > 0:23:46and that was the thing that worried people for a long, long time.
0:23:46 > 0:23:47- So we're in London.- Right.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49- So...- Was it the London Tower or something?
0:23:49 > 0:23:51It is a tower. Tower is right, Jerry.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Is this some enormous building that isn't supposed to...?
0:23:54 > 0:23:55Yes, there is an enormous building
0:23:55 > 0:23:57that was a secret for years and years.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59- The Gherkin.- The BT Tower.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02The BT Tower is exactly right.
0:24:02 > 0:24:03It was built in 1965,
0:24:03 > 0:24:07it was considered such an important part of the telecoms infrastructure
0:24:07 > 0:24:09that it was classified as an official secret.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11What?!
0:24:11 > 0:24:12Because no-one can see it!
0:24:12 > 0:24:15No, it was Britain's tallest building,
0:24:15 > 0:24:18it contained a public viewing gallery, and a revolving restaurant.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Nevertheless...
0:24:20 > 0:24:23I went to that place once for a charity event.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25And Rick Astley was singing.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29It was wonderful. And I went to the loo, which is in the middle,
0:24:29 > 0:24:32and when I came out of the loo it had revolved,
0:24:32 > 0:24:34and I came out right on stage next to him.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36LAUGHTER
0:24:38 > 0:24:41He was going... # Never going to give you up... #
0:24:44 > 0:24:47It was technically illegal to take photographs of the tower
0:24:47 > 0:24:48under the Official Secrets Act.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50It wasn't included in any Ordnance Survey maps
0:24:50 > 0:24:53until the mid-1990s.
0:24:53 > 0:24:58In a 1978 case a judge would only refer to it as location 23,
0:24:58 > 0:25:00and in 1993 the MP Kate Hoey
0:25:00 > 0:25:03spoke in parliament to state the location, she said,
0:25:03 > 0:25:05"I hope I that I am covered by Parliamentary privilege
0:25:05 > 0:25:08"when I reveal that the British Telecom Tower does exist,
0:25:08 > 0:25:12"and that its address is 60 Cleveland St, London."
0:25:12 > 0:25:14But the restaurant was fantastic.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Did you ever go to the revolving restaurant?
0:25:17 > 0:25:18- No.- It was just glorious.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20And in 2009, BT said they were going to reopen it,
0:25:20 > 0:25:22and anybody who's ever had a promise from BT
0:25:22 > 0:25:23will know that'll never happen.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25LAUGHTER
0:25:25 > 0:25:28You get a lot of e-mails saying your order's on its way.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30LAUGHTER
0:25:30 > 0:25:32But the location of the Post Office Tower not the worst-ever
0:25:32 > 0:25:34breach of national security.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36So, the English historian Peter Hennessy,
0:25:36 > 0:25:39in 1963, the 25th June, he said
0:25:39 > 0:25:43Britain was left entirely unguarded against nuclear attack because
0:25:43 > 0:25:47every single screen of the Ballistic Missile Early Warning System
0:25:47 > 0:25:48was tuned to the cricket.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51LAUGHTER
0:25:51 > 0:25:54What's the best cure for nostalgia?
0:25:54 > 0:25:58Is it actually living in the actual past?
0:25:58 > 0:25:59And staying there?
0:25:59 > 0:26:03And then you don't need nostalgia, cos you're still living in it.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05But wouldn't you be nostalgic for the hundred years before that?
0:26:05 > 0:26:08Would there not be a period...? There's always going to be a period.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10- Oh, yeah.- Like, even the Dark Ages.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Do you get nostalgic, Jerry?
0:26:12 > 0:26:13Yeah. Smell.
0:26:13 > 0:26:17If you smell something, it brings back a memory.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19- Straight away, isn't it? - Cigarettes in pubs.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Do you miss them?
0:26:21 > 0:26:25- Oh, yeah.- Smell affects your memory part more than sight, or touch,
0:26:25 > 0:26:27or anything. It instantly affects your memory.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30My wife, when she smells beer on me, she knows where I've been.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32LAUGHTER
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Are there things you're nostalgic for, Alan?
0:26:34 > 0:26:37I'm not a nostalgic person, no.
0:26:37 > 0:26:42- That's probably good.- I think the future's going to be great.
0:26:42 > 0:26:43The past, whatever.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47I'm nostalgic for when Alan used to be nostalgic.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50- That was a lovely time. - Those were the days.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53Well, in the 18th and 19th century, it was seen as a deadly disease...
0:26:53 > 0:26:55- Really?- ..to be nostalgic.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58It was known as Schweizenkrankheit, or Swiss illness,
0:26:58 > 0:27:02because Swiss soldiers were apparently particularly prone to it.
0:27:02 > 0:27:06And in the American Civil War, more than 5,000 men were diagnosed
0:27:06 > 0:27:10with nostalgia and 74 allegedly died from it.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12In fact, the Unionist army was forbidden
0:27:12 > 0:27:15from playing Home Sweet Home in case it brought on an attack.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18No doubt the past makes you upset.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21I found, when I wrote my book, this is not a plug, it's out of print.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23No-one bought it.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25LAUGHTER
0:27:25 > 0:27:26It was part-memoir,
0:27:26 > 0:27:29that meant a lot of going back through childhood memories.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31And it's not pleasant, it's not nice.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34It's much better to look forward - it hasn't happened yet,
0:27:34 > 0:27:35you can invent it.
0:27:35 > 0:27:39The only one thing I would like to have is my grandmother's trifle.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Oh, was it particularly good?
0:27:41 > 0:27:45It was so good. She died in 1974, and it went with her.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47- No-one knew how to make it. - Have you tried to recreate it?
0:27:47 > 0:27:49I don't even know how she did it. No-one knows.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Grannies everywhere, write down all your recipes
0:27:52 > 0:27:54so that we can continue to have them.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56Funnily enough, I just bought a book for my kids
0:27:56 > 0:27:58for all the things that I've learnt from previous generations,
0:27:58 > 0:28:00and I'm starting to write the recipes down.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Yeah, I think that's a good idea.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04So if you've just tuned in,
0:28:04 > 0:28:07this evening's episode was a tribute to Cariad,
0:28:07 > 0:28:11Jerry, Sandi and Alan, who all very sadly died of nostalgia.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:20 > 0:28:23So they still haven't worked out what the best cure is.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26A Russian general came up with it in 1733.
0:28:26 > 0:28:27Vodka. Did it involve vodka?
0:28:27 > 0:28:29It didn't involve vodka.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31What he did was, he warned the troops
0:28:31 > 0:28:32that the very first man
0:28:32 > 0:28:36to come down with a case of nostalgia would be buried alive.
0:28:36 > 0:28:38And cases plummeted.
0:28:39 > 0:28:42The suspected causes of nostalgia
0:28:42 > 0:28:45were unfulfilled ambition, poor hygiene,
0:28:45 > 0:28:48coming from farming stock, and masturbation.
0:28:48 > 0:28:50Those were the...
0:28:50 > 0:28:51I've got two of those.
0:28:51 > 0:28:53LAUGHTER
0:28:53 > 0:28:57Me too, and I've never been on a farm.
0:28:57 > 0:28:59It was declassified as a disease as late as 1899.
0:28:59 > 0:29:01What was? Oh...
0:29:01 > 0:29:02Nostalgia. Yeah.
0:29:02 > 0:29:04They say that's still troublesome.
0:29:04 > 0:29:05I miss it.
0:29:07 > 0:29:10Actually, it can be useful. It is thought to protect, slightly,
0:29:10 > 0:29:14against cold. So people can stand the pain of icy water for longer
0:29:14 > 0:29:17- if they focus on nostalgic memories. - Who writes this stuff down?
0:29:17 > 0:29:20So you mean if you're trapped in a freezer by a gangland criminal
0:29:20 > 0:29:21you just say to someone,
0:29:21 > 0:29:24"Do you remember when we weren't trapped in this freezer?"
0:29:24 > 0:29:26You're going to make it.
0:29:26 > 0:29:28I think you have to think about Grandma Davies's trifle.
0:29:28 > 0:29:30Oh, I see what you mean, yeah.
0:29:30 > 0:29:32The weird thing was, when we went round to her house there weren't
0:29:32 > 0:29:33enough chairs round the table,
0:29:33 > 0:29:36so she would produce this stool from...
0:29:36 > 0:29:37I was going to say stool!
0:29:37 > 0:29:39LAUGHTER
0:29:39 > 0:29:41I mean, some things probably keep to yourself.
0:29:43 > 0:29:45It was an actual stool!
0:29:45 > 0:29:47It was an actual stool, it wasn't a...you know.
0:29:49 > 0:29:51She was your grandma and you loved her!
0:29:51 > 0:29:53- And that's all that matters today. - Here you are.
0:29:55 > 0:29:57It's a stool.
0:29:58 > 0:30:00And we all wanted to sit on the stool,
0:30:00 > 0:30:03even though it was the wrong height for the table and was uncomfortable.
0:30:03 > 0:30:05Why did you want to sit on it?
0:30:05 > 0:30:07I don't know, it was different from a normal chair.
0:30:07 > 0:30:12As soon as one kid wants the stool, everyone wants the stool.
0:30:12 > 0:30:16I'd like the stool and the trifle. Everything else can... I don't care.
0:30:17 > 0:30:19Now for something completely different.
0:30:19 > 0:30:22Alan. Are you a narcissist?
0:30:22 > 0:30:24I know I don't like looking at myself.
0:30:24 > 0:30:27LAUGHTER
0:30:29 > 0:30:32I would take either of those two lives ahead of my own!
0:30:32 > 0:30:34LAUGHTER
0:30:34 > 0:30:36Yes or no, are you a narcissist?
0:30:36 > 0:30:37No, I'm not.
0:30:37 > 0:30:38That is correct.
0:30:38 > 0:30:41And this is a complete reversal of the usual format,
0:30:41 > 0:30:44because whether you said yes or no, we are going to give you two points.
0:30:44 > 0:30:48- Oh.- And that is because in the standard modern test for narcissism,
0:30:48 > 0:30:52research shows that narcissists feel so good about themselves,
0:30:52 > 0:30:54they don't mind admitting it.
0:30:54 > 0:30:57So if you think you are a narcissist, then you are.
0:30:57 > 0:31:00Would you say that you were a narcissist?
0:31:00 > 0:31:01Yes.
0:31:02 > 0:31:04Totally fine. What about you, Jerry?
0:31:04 > 0:31:05Would you say you're a narcissist?
0:31:05 > 0:31:08No, I've got a mirror, that depresses me.
0:31:08 > 0:31:13I mean, you're asking the star of the Jerry Springer Show!
0:31:13 > 0:31:15- CHANT:- Jerry!
0:31:16 > 0:31:18Me, a narcissist?
0:31:18 > 0:31:20What about yourself, Cariad? A narcissist?
0:31:20 > 0:31:23I wasn't until I got my own theme tune, and now I might be.
0:31:23 > 0:31:26So, the thing about narcissists, they rate themselves.
0:31:26 > 0:31:28They think that they are particularly intelligent,
0:31:28 > 0:31:29attractive, likeable, funny.
0:31:29 > 0:31:33They also think that they are unusually power-orientated,
0:31:33 > 0:31:34impulsive, arrogant, prone to exaggeration,
0:31:34 > 0:31:36but they just don't care.
0:31:36 > 0:31:40- Oh, now you've listed it, yeah, now I am one, yeah.- Yeah, one of those.
0:31:40 > 0:31:42Apparently we are in the midst of a narcissism epidemic.
0:31:42 > 0:31:43Oh, I think we are. Look at the selfie -
0:31:43 > 0:31:45I mean, that is the ultimate.
0:31:45 > 0:31:47We live in the most narcissistic time of all.
0:31:47 > 0:31:48The whole social media thing is...
0:31:48 > 0:31:52This is a very, very narcissistic time.
0:31:52 > 0:31:54It's definitely for us five to cast judgment,
0:31:54 > 0:31:58as we sit here talking, and those people just listen to us.
0:31:59 > 0:32:02Let's do a quick test. Have a look at this pole,
0:32:02 > 0:32:06and I want you to tell me whether you are taller or shorter than it.
0:32:06 > 0:32:07So, let's start with you, Cariad.
0:32:07 > 0:32:09I'm just assuming I'm shorter because I'm shorter
0:32:09 > 0:32:11- than most things.- Shorter.
0:32:11 > 0:32:13Jerry, you think taller or shorter than that pole?
0:32:13 > 0:32:15- I'm shorter.- Shorter.
0:32:15 > 0:32:18- Boys? Alan? - I'm exactly the same height as it.
0:32:18 > 0:32:20Exactly the same height.
0:32:20 > 0:32:22I'm going to go with shorter.
0:32:22 > 0:32:24It is interesting, because none of you asked me
0:32:24 > 0:32:27how tall the pole is at all, and we have no clue how tall it is.
0:32:27 > 0:32:30But powerful people will tend to perceive themselves as taller.
0:32:30 > 0:32:33So Alan's the nearest to a narcissist that we've got.
0:32:33 > 0:32:35But maybe they're tall people.
0:32:35 > 0:32:38Maybe all the powerful people are tall and that's the problem.
0:32:38 > 0:32:41You think there are no powerful small people in the world?
0:32:41 > 0:32:45- No...- Well, I'll have you know you could lose with such a remark!
0:32:45 > 0:32:47I went to university with a very beautiful girl.
0:32:47 > 0:32:49She just thought she looked normal, she didn't realise how the world
0:32:49 > 0:32:52perceived her, that everybody would literally see her and just smile.
0:32:52 > 0:32:54If she didn't have enough money at a cafe, they'd be like,
0:32:54 > 0:32:57- "You're so beautiful, just don't worry about it."- Wow.
0:32:57 > 0:33:00- Do you know what happened to her? - She's very happily married.
0:33:00 > 0:33:03- Yeah.- I wanted it to have turned out shit, didn't you?
0:33:03 > 0:33:04LAUGHTER
0:33:04 > 0:33:06APPLAUSE
0:33:09 > 0:33:12In mythology, of course, we get narcissism from...
0:33:12 > 0:33:15Narcissus gazing in a pond.
0:33:15 > 0:33:19That's a beautiful picture by John William Waterhouse.
0:33:19 > 0:33:22He became so transfixed by his own reflection
0:33:22 > 0:33:25that he was unable to drag himself away, and he stayed there,
0:33:25 > 0:33:27and was eventually transformed into a flower.
0:33:27 > 0:33:28What flower was he transformed into?
0:33:28 > 0:33:30Oh, self-raising!
0:33:30 > 0:33:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:33:36 > 0:33:38- What did you say?- A narcissi?
0:33:38 > 0:33:40No, it's one of those weird things, it's not connected.
0:33:40 > 0:33:43So you'd think that the scientific name for the daffodil is connected,
0:33:43 > 0:33:47but in fact, that's related to the narcotic quality of the bulb.
0:33:47 > 0:33:48Did he turn into a lily?
0:33:48 > 0:33:50We don't know. We've no idea.
0:33:50 > 0:33:52So why did you ask us, then? You don't even have the answer!
0:33:52 > 0:33:55Some things are unknown, Matt. That's OK.
0:33:56 > 0:34:00What's curious about him is that he seems to have bothered to wear a hat.
0:34:00 > 0:34:02It's a big hat, below his elbow there.
0:34:02 > 0:34:05- The painter's tribute to his mother, his grandmother.- Yeah.
0:34:05 > 0:34:07He could have put a stool there...
0:34:07 > 0:34:09LAUGHTER
0:34:09 > 0:34:11Anyway, moving on, now...
0:34:11 > 0:34:14He has five faces and bigger sperm than you.
0:34:14 > 0:34:15CARIAD LAUGHS
0:34:15 > 0:34:18- Not really talking to you, Cariad, in this instance.- OK.
0:34:18 > 0:34:20Five faces...
0:34:20 > 0:34:22- Is it a type of fish? - It is a creature.
0:34:22 > 0:34:26Oh, so it's not just some old actor with a lot of face-lifts.
0:34:27 > 0:34:30- Just one after the other like that. - Yeah.- Er, no.
0:34:30 > 0:34:32- A pyramid...- A pyramid?
0:34:32 > 0:34:34Well, the Egyptian pyramids.
0:34:34 > 0:34:37I mean, that has five sides.
0:34:37 > 0:34:40Yeah. It's more of a creature than, erm...
0:34:40 > 0:34:42LAUGHTER
0:34:42 > 0:34:44It is fair to say more of these, probably,
0:34:44 > 0:34:47than almost any other creature.
0:34:47 > 0:34:48Is it a bacteria?
0:34:48 > 0:34:51It is not a bacteria, no, but it can be very, very tiny.
0:34:51 > 0:34:53Is it a type of beetle or insect?
0:34:53 > 0:34:56It's called a nematode and it is a kind of roundworm,
0:34:56 > 0:34:58and they are extraordinary.
0:34:58 > 0:35:01So, there is one - there it is! Pristionchus borbonicus.
0:35:01 > 0:35:05It grows one of five different faces as it matures,
0:35:05 > 0:35:08depending on whether it's going to eat microbes or other worms.
0:35:08 > 0:35:12It's called polyphenism and it's when animals change their form,
0:35:12 > 0:35:15they change into different forms depending on the environment.
0:35:15 > 0:35:17OK, here is the really extraordinary thing about the nematode -
0:35:17 > 0:35:19we know about more than 20,000 species,
0:35:19 > 0:35:22so then compare that with 5,000 mammals.
0:35:22 > 0:35:24But some scientists believe that there are more than
0:35:24 > 0:35:29a million undiscovered species, and they are everywhere.
0:35:29 > 0:35:32Some of them are so small that it would take 20-30 of them lying
0:35:32 > 0:35:37end to end to equal the thickness of a single average coin.
0:35:37 > 0:35:40There are some species that live exclusively in vinegar,
0:35:40 > 0:35:41in book-binding glue...
0:35:41 > 0:35:44There are some that use slugs as taxis.
0:35:44 > 0:35:47They do, they use slugs as taxis to carry them to a new food source.
0:35:47 > 0:35:50They're cheaper than Uber, I guess, aren't they?
0:35:50 > 0:35:52And their sperm is bigger than human sperm.
0:35:52 > 0:35:56- What, all nematodes?- Oh, yeah? - Not all of them.- I was going to say.
0:35:56 > 0:35:59- Fight, fight, fight! - Do they get one of their sperm
0:35:59 > 0:36:00and lob it at the female?
0:36:00 > 0:36:02So, not the tiny, tiny little ones,
0:36:02 > 0:36:05but the very first one that I talked about.
0:36:05 > 0:36:07LAUGHTER
0:36:08 > 0:36:11Why might bigger animals produce smaller sperm?
0:36:11 > 0:36:14I can't tell you how many times I've asked that question.
0:36:14 > 0:36:16LAUGHTER
0:36:16 > 0:36:18Because the bigger animals have got less to prove.
0:36:18 > 0:36:19No, the bigger you are,
0:36:19 > 0:36:22the more sperm you need to produce to increase the odds that you're
0:36:22 > 0:36:24going to make one, that is the thing, so you need lots of them.
0:36:24 > 0:36:26- Tiny animals can produce fewer sperm...- Oh, I see.
0:36:26 > 0:36:28..so they can make them much bigger.
0:36:28 > 0:36:30But don't you love the idea they use a slug as a taxi
0:36:30 > 0:36:31to get them to a new food source?
0:36:31 > 0:36:34So, they get themselves eaten, they travel to a different bit of
0:36:34 > 0:36:37the garden, they are then excreted and they have this...
0:36:37 > 0:36:39- How do they not get digested? - Because they have a cuticle,
0:36:39 > 0:36:43a sort of thick skin that is totally resistant to both acids and alkalis.
0:36:43 > 0:36:45That's what you need when you get on the Tube.
0:36:45 > 0:36:47A big thick skin to protect you.
0:36:47 > 0:36:48- So they avoid being digested.- Wow.
0:36:48 > 0:36:50Anyway, now it's time for our weekly brush
0:36:50 > 0:36:53with general ignorance. Fingers on buzzers, please.
0:36:53 > 0:36:56Which of these two men has stronger muscles?
0:36:56 > 0:37:00'I can't believe you've just said that!'
0:37:00 > 0:37:02Well, the one on the right certainly has bigger muscles,
0:37:02 > 0:37:06but maybe the muscles on the left are stronger
0:37:06 > 0:37:08because they're not as strong,
0:37:08 > 0:37:10and yet they're still working.
0:37:10 > 0:37:12Stop now! Stop now, you're doing so well.
0:37:12 > 0:37:14- Or is the answer, we just don't know?- No.
0:37:14 > 0:37:17Pound for pound, body-builders have weaker muscles than normal people.
0:37:17 > 0:37:19So one of the reasons body-builders are so strong
0:37:19 > 0:37:21is that they have a large amount of muscle.
0:37:21 > 0:37:24But the muscles they do have are, in fact, weaker.
0:37:24 > 0:37:27Here is the thing. If you don't have muscles,
0:37:27 > 0:37:29but you have a really good imagination,
0:37:29 > 0:37:31you can exercise your muscles.
0:37:31 > 0:37:33So say your hand is in a cast.
0:37:33 > 0:37:36You can prevent yourself from losing muscle mass
0:37:36 > 0:37:40by simply imagining yourself using your hand muscles.
0:37:40 > 0:37:43- Wow!- Well, I'm just imagining myself winning the show.
0:37:45 > 0:37:47I'm imagining myself using my hands.
0:37:47 > 0:37:49LAUGHTER
0:37:51 > 0:37:53- Moving along, erm... - With prosthetic limbs,
0:37:53 > 0:37:56if you lose a limb, and you know you have phantom pains often?
0:37:56 > 0:37:58So if they've lost a hand they still feel it.
0:37:58 > 0:38:01They get a mirror and if they wiggle that hand but use the mirror
0:38:01 > 0:38:04to make it look like the other hand, their pain goes away.
0:38:04 > 0:38:05So again, you can trick your brain...
0:38:05 > 0:38:08But do you not think that is the most extraordinary thing,
0:38:08 > 0:38:09how the brain can be used in that way?
0:38:09 > 0:38:10Yeah, it's incredible.
0:38:10 > 0:38:12Yeah, I think it's extraordinary.
0:38:12 > 0:38:15Now, which of Shakespeare's plays wasn't performed at first
0:38:15 > 0:38:17because it was believed to be cursed?
0:38:17 > 0:38:19# Cariad Lloyd... #
0:38:19 > 0:38:22Is it Richard II
0:38:22 > 0:38:24because the language was so provocative?
0:38:24 > 0:38:26It's a good choice, but it is not Richard II.
0:38:26 > 0:38:28Is it Midsummer Night's Dream, in which I played Bottom,
0:38:28 > 0:38:31and got the best reviews of my career?
0:38:33 > 0:38:34Er, no.
0:38:34 > 0:38:38Is it the one that was playing when the Globe was burnt down?
0:38:38 > 0:38:39It is the one that was playing.
0:38:39 > 0:38:41Oh, No Sex, Please, We're British.
0:38:41 > 0:38:42That's it!
0:38:42 > 0:38:44Run For Your Wife!
0:38:44 > 0:38:461613, it was a production of Henry VIII.
0:38:46 > 0:38:48I was going to say Henry VIII!
0:38:48 > 0:38:50It was the very first recorded performance at the Globe,
0:38:50 > 0:38:53and they fired a cannon as one of the special effects,
0:38:53 > 0:38:55and it hit the straw of the thatched roof
0:38:55 > 0:38:56and the theatre burnt down.
0:38:56 > 0:38:57I have to say nobody was injured,
0:38:57 > 0:39:00the only risk to life was one man's britches caught fire
0:39:00 > 0:39:04and his friend put him out with a bottle of beer.
0:39:04 > 0:39:07Theatres used to burn down all the time.
0:39:07 > 0:39:11And one theatre was burnt down about four or five hundred years ago
0:39:11 > 0:39:13because one guy advertised
0:39:13 > 0:39:17that he could squeeze himself into a quart bottle on stage.
0:39:17 > 0:39:21And so thousands of people turned out to see him, and when it was...
0:39:21 > 0:39:22Weirdly, he couldn't do it.
0:39:22 > 0:39:24Weirdly, he couldn't do it, and there was a riot,
0:39:24 > 0:39:26and the theatre burnt down.
0:39:26 > 0:39:29- Why don't they do that on Britain's Got Talent?- Yeah.
0:39:29 > 0:39:32- Have you been to the Globe Theatre that was rebuilt?- No, I haven't.
0:39:32 > 0:39:34Oh, it's absolutely fantastic, it's really wonderful.
0:39:34 > 0:39:36And what I loved about it,
0:39:36 > 0:39:38when they were excavating to build the present one,
0:39:38 > 0:39:41they discovered a layer of hazelnut shells and it allowed
0:39:41 > 0:39:43the rainwater to filter through.
0:39:43 > 0:39:44So when they rebuilt it,
0:39:44 > 0:39:48the theatre sourced 7.5 tonnes of hazelnut shells from Turkey
0:39:48 > 0:39:50and they were flown over on a military transport plane
0:39:50 > 0:39:52and used in exactly the same way.
0:39:52 > 0:39:55But what is the play that actors have often treated as being cursed?
0:39:55 > 0:40:01Well, I don't want to say it because it's cursed to say it, but Macbeth.
0:40:01 > 0:40:04And the reason you're not supposed to say Macbeth
0:40:04 > 0:40:06is because, traditionally,
0:40:06 > 0:40:12when repertory companies were doing a play and no-one was coming,
0:40:12 > 0:40:15what they would do is quickly put on Macbeth,
0:40:15 > 0:40:17which was in their repertoire,
0:40:17 > 0:40:18because people always came to see Macbeth.
0:40:18 > 0:40:20So if you were putting on Macbeth,
0:40:20 > 0:40:23it was that the thing you really wanted to do was a disaster.
0:40:23 > 0:40:25But, I mean, there have been some examples.
0:40:25 > 0:40:27So, 1947, there was a guy called Harold Norman.
0:40:27 > 0:40:30He was an actor who pooh-poohed the superstition
0:40:30 > 0:40:32and he was playing the lead in the Scottish play.
0:40:32 > 0:40:35And he died at Oldham Coliseum in 1947 playing Macbeth
0:40:35 > 0:40:39when he was accidentally stabbed with a real sword.
0:40:39 > 0:40:421849, there was a British actor called William Charles Macready
0:40:42 > 0:40:45and an American called Edwin Forrest that were both playing Macbeth
0:40:45 > 0:40:47at different theatres in New York.
0:40:47 > 0:40:50And their fans rioted as to who was the most successful,
0:40:50 > 0:40:53and more than 20 people died and more than 100 were injured.
0:40:53 > 0:40:55- My God!- Wow!
0:40:55 > 0:40:57But nobody was superstitious
0:40:57 > 0:40:59about the Scottish play in Shakespeare's lifetime.
0:40:59 > 0:41:01Name America's biggest fault.
0:41:03 > 0:41:04Donald Trump.
0:41:09 > 0:41:11APPLAUSE
0:41:14 > 0:41:19Now, it's not, is it NOT going to be the San Andreas fault?
0:41:19 > 0:41:22- It is NOT the San Andreas, you're absolutely right.- Yes!
0:41:22 > 0:41:26It is not even the most dangerous fault line in California.
0:41:26 > 0:41:29So here's the thing, California sits across two continental plates,
0:41:29 > 0:41:31the Pacific and the North American.
0:41:31 > 0:41:33There's dozens of fault lines between them.
0:41:33 > 0:41:36And the maximum size of earthquake
0:41:36 > 0:41:38that the San Andreas fault could cause is
0:41:38 > 0:41:398.2 on the moment magnitude scale.
0:41:39 > 0:41:44The nearby Cascadia Subduction Zone, just off the coast,
0:41:44 > 0:41:47is far more dangerous.
0:41:47 > 0:41:49A huge rupture along it could release an earthquake
0:41:49 > 0:41:5130 times stronger than the San Andreas.
0:41:51 > 0:41:54I mean, that is half as large again as the quake
0:41:54 > 0:41:58that caused the Indian Ocean tsunami on Boxing Day in 2004,
0:41:58 > 0:42:00so it is a huge thing.
0:42:00 > 0:42:03They estimate a big earthquake would cause a tsunami up to 100 feet high.
0:42:03 > 0:42:04Yikes!
0:42:04 > 0:42:09Yeah, yikes indeed. And that brings me to the matter of the scores.
0:42:09 > 0:42:10Well, my goodness,
0:42:10 > 0:42:14in first place with a magnificent seven points, it's Cariad.
0:42:14 > 0:42:17APPLAUSE
0:42:20 > 0:42:23In second place with minus 26, it's Jerry.
0:42:23 > 0:42:25APPLAUSE
0:42:27 > 0:42:30In third place with minus 36, Matt.
0:42:32 > 0:42:36I'm very proud, thank you.
0:42:36 > 0:42:39And Alan, with a breathtaking minus 56,
0:42:39 > 0:42:41fourth place.
0:42:41 > 0:42:44APPLAUSE
0:42:49 > 0:42:52Our thanks to Jerry, Cariad, Matt and Alan.
0:42:52 > 0:42:55Tonight, I'm going to leave the last word to Jerry.
0:42:55 > 0:42:58Watch this show, or I'll kill my dog.
0:42:58 > 0:43:01LAUGHTER
0:43:01 > 0:43:03Just kidding. Just kidding.
0:43:03 > 0:43:07- Take care of yourselves, and each other.- Goodnight!
0:43:07 > 0:43:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE