0:00:24 > 0:00:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Hello, everybody!
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Aye-aye!
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Ahoy and welcome aboard the good ship QI,
0:00:34 > 0:00:37where tonight we'll be splicing each other's timbers,
0:00:37 > 0:00:40hoisting our mainbraces and giving the ship's cat a good kicking
0:00:40 > 0:00:43in the naval navigation show. Let's meet the crew.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46First of all, my old mate Ronni Ancona.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:51 > 0:00:54And something of a figurehead, Johnny Vegas.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:58 > 0:01:02A bit of a bottom feeder, Jimmy Carr.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Wow. What?
0:01:05 > 0:01:07One time, one time.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10And Roger the cabin boy, it's Alan Davies.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Let's hear your naval noises. Ronni goes...
0:01:20 > 0:01:23HIGH-PITCHED SHIP'S HOOTER
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Johnny goes...
0:01:25 > 0:01:27LOW-PITCHED SHIP'S HOOTER
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Jimmy goes...
0:01:32 > 0:01:35RASPY SHIP'S HOOTER
0:01:35 > 0:01:37That's Mexican food.
0:01:37 > 0:01:38Alan goes...
0:01:38 > 0:01:40# Yummy, yummy, yummy
0:01:40 > 0:01:42# I got love in my tummy
0:01:42 > 0:01:44# And as silly as it may seem... #
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Yeah, no, I meant N-A-V-A-L, not the other kind of navel.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54First up, a question on nautical names.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58Now, you each have got a hat. Put them on, there we go.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02Sure. I mean, a lot of people would look stupid in this, but me...
0:02:02 > 0:02:04LAUGHTER
0:02:07 > 0:02:10So, what I want to know is, as you look round the room,
0:02:10 > 0:02:14how many of you are genuine ship names?
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Banterer, we've got Ronni's Spanker.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20- Spanker?- Flirt, we've got for Johnny, and Titan Uranus.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22HMS Flirt?
0:02:24 > 0:02:27- Hello, sailor!- When you said it out loud, then it all made sense.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Yes, sorry. Tried to be polite.
0:02:30 > 0:02:31Titan Uranus.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33- What do we reckon? - Spanker's got to be a ship
0:02:33 > 0:02:35out of a Carry On film, hasn't it?
0:02:35 > 0:02:39- Yes.- Reporting for duty, everyone. Welcome aboard the Spanker!
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Now, hands at the ready.
0:02:41 > 0:02:42Oooh, naughty!
0:02:45 > 0:02:49But I happen to know, because of a naval connection...
0:02:49 > 0:02:52What is your naval connection?
0:02:52 > 0:02:54I think I might have seen it online.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58My brother is an admiral in the Navy.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Oh, whoa!
0:03:00 > 0:03:04- An admiral? - And my father was a commander.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06- Your father was a commander in the Navy?- Yeah.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08- So, your brother's done rather better.- My brother...
0:03:08 > 0:03:12Yes, cos he's got that insurance business on the side, hasn't he?
0:03:12 > 0:03:16Yeah, my dad back-doored in through the Merchant Navy.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Did he? A lot of them do, I've heard.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20LAUGHTER
0:03:20 > 0:03:22I knew that was coming up.
0:03:22 > 0:03:23That will "Titan Uranus".
0:03:25 > 0:03:27- If anything, the reverse, I find. - But...
0:03:27 > 0:03:30You look so innocent and then it says Titan Uranus.
0:03:30 > 0:03:31Isn't that fantastic?
0:03:31 > 0:03:34I could have hours of fun if I went out in this tonight.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37What do you reckon, Johnny? You reckon yours, HMS Flirt,
0:03:37 > 0:03:38do you reckon's the real thing?
0:03:38 > 0:03:41Yeah, I reckon HMS Flirt could be the one.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43- Yeah, could be the...- The others might have been nicknames.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Ah, a bit of fun amongst the sailors.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47In fact, Spanker, Banterer and Flirt were all,
0:03:47 > 0:03:50or had been all, ships in the Royal Navy.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Titan Uranus was... There have been two merchant ships,
0:03:53 > 0:03:55actually, there was an oil tanker and an ore carrier.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Lots named after animals -
0:03:57 > 0:03:59there has been Kangaroo, Gnat, Weasel, Zebra.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Is the downside to this not the...?
0:04:01 > 0:04:04I mean, obviously the Royal Navy, very proud history,
0:04:04 > 0:04:06but, occasionally, ships get sunk and people die,
0:04:06 > 0:04:08and then you've got to report back.
0:04:08 > 0:04:13"I'm afraid things did not go well, 60 souls lost on Titan Uranus."
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Yeah, well, there are worse ones - Cockchafer.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20That is how a lot of the sailors died.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22And HMS Pansy.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26JIMMY LAUGHS And...
0:04:26 > 0:04:28- Oh, that's fantastic. - ..my favourite, Happy Entrance.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30LAUGHTER
0:04:30 > 0:04:32So, just to say.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34So, have a quick look, imagine you are at sea
0:04:34 > 0:04:38and we've got, I don't know, say, HMS Cockchafer coming at you
0:04:38 > 0:04:41in the dark or possibly going away from you in the dark, OK?
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Can you tell which one it is?
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Coming towards you or going away?
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Well, green towards you, red away?
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Erm, not quite.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Anybody? Your brother's an admiral, for goodness' sake!
0:04:54 > 0:04:57- I know, I know!- Is one port and the other starboard?
0:04:57 > 0:04:58One is port and one is starboard, yes.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00- Do you know which is which?- No.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02- It's quite good to know. - Does anyone know?
0:05:02 > 0:05:05- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Red is port. - Red is port, red is port.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09Yes. Yeah, I could've told you that. OK...
0:05:09 > 0:05:11That's how you remember, like, port is red.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13And green is...sherry?
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Green is starboard. And what you say is, "Green to green, red to red,
0:05:16 > 0:05:18"perfect safety, go ahead."
0:05:18 > 0:05:21So what you would know from this is that the boat is coming towards you,
0:05:21 > 0:05:23and that would be important information to have
0:05:23 > 0:05:25- when you're at sea.- Oh, hang on!
0:05:25 > 0:05:28- I definitely would have crashed into that.- Yeah.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30There is one of my favourite books of all time that you could read
0:05:30 > 0:05:31to avoid this happening.
0:05:31 > 0:05:37It was published in 1992 and it is called How To Avoid Huge Ships.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39LAUGHTER
0:05:39 > 0:05:41- RONNI:- That's brilliant! That is so brilliant.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44And who was this sold to? Small islands?
0:05:45 > 0:05:47It went through several editions.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49What worries me is that they may have left stuff out
0:05:49 > 0:05:50in the first edition and then gone,
0:05:50 > 0:05:53"Oh, that was the other thing I meant to put in."
0:05:53 > 0:05:56It's ranked as the third oddest book title of all time.
0:05:56 > 0:05:57Oh, go on, what are the other two?
0:05:57 > 0:05:59The second, number two -
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Greek Rural Postmen And Their Cancellation Numbers.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04LAUGHTER
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Yeah, the one about the urban postmen I found a bit ehhh.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Who's that bothered?
0:06:08 > 0:06:10This is my favourite, number one, oddest book title of all time -
0:06:10 > 0:06:12People Who Don't Know They're Dead,
0:06:12 > 0:06:15How They Attach Themselves To Unsuspecting Bystanders
0:06:15 > 0:06:17And What To Do About It.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19LAUGHTER
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Put your hats away, please.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25Why would you spend a year's rent hiring a rowing boat?
0:06:26 > 0:06:28You're sleepy and drunk.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32You've not been living in London long,
0:06:32 > 0:06:34and you've gone on the Thames.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38Yeah, I like all of those reasons, but no. It was in 1815.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41- So, what happened in 1815? - It was that...
0:06:41 > 0:06:44lesser known Fire of London.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Like, a really small fire that didn't get widely reported?
0:06:50 > 0:06:54Just a tiny one. People cashed in completely.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56- RONNI:- Waterloo.- Waterloo, exactly.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59The big battle of Waterloo. Napoleon was defeated.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02- What happened to Napoleon?- Oh! Abba played live in the harbour.- Yes.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06That's it exactly. And people took rowing boats out.
0:07:06 > 0:07:07It was lovely. There were picnics.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10They couldn't get enough of that blonde one, absolutely.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13- It's not that. - Is that when he was banished?- Yes.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16This is a really interesting part of the story, which I don't think
0:07:16 > 0:07:18ever gets reported. Do you know where he wanted to go
0:07:18 > 0:07:20- when he was defeated?- Isle of Wight.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23- He wanted to emigrate to the United States.- Did he?
0:07:23 > 0:07:27He went to the west coast of France, to Rochefort. There was a boat...
0:07:27 > 0:07:31There it is, the HMS Bellerophon, known by the men as Billy Ruffian.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33And they blockaded the port.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37So, he surrendered and was taken to the UK.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40And it was supposed to be a secret that he was first in Brixham,
0:07:40 > 0:07:41then the ship was moved to Plymouth.
0:07:41 > 0:07:47But he was so popular in the UK that people would spend a year's rent
0:07:47 > 0:07:52to get a rowboat out to the ship in order to see Napoleon.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56And he wasn't allowed to come to land because they were so afraid
0:07:56 > 0:07:58that he was so popular that there would be a public uprising.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00And, in the end,
0:08:00 > 0:08:03achieve his goal of defeating Britain in the first place.
0:08:03 > 0:08:0710,000 people boarded 1,000 small boats in order to get
0:08:07 > 0:08:10- a glimpse of him.- How was he that popular? Hadn't we just fought him?
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Well, that's the weird thing.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14In a way, Waterloo, not hugely good for democracy,
0:08:14 > 0:08:16it's not something anybody says.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18But the Bourbons were restored as kings of France,
0:08:18 > 0:08:19and the revolution was over.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22And there were people who believed him when he said that
0:08:22 > 0:08:24if he had come to Britain, he'd have got rid of the nobility,
0:08:24 > 0:08:26and he'd have spread all the money to the people.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29But, in fact, that never happened because he never came.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31There were people who genuinely thought he was incredible.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34And the crew used to hang notices over the side of the ship
0:08:34 > 0:08:35saying, "He's having his breakfast."
0:08:35 > 0:08:37"He's having dinner with the Captain Maitland."
0:08:37 > 0:08:40It's the most extraordinary story that he was too popular
0:08:40 > 0:08:42to be allowed to land. It's extraordinary.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46And he was taken to St Helena, and then about 2,800 men
0:08:46 > 0:08:50and a squadron of 11 ships made sure that that one man stayed there.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52You can see it from that picture, can't you?
0:08:52 > 0:08:57He's like the Bieber of his day. Lovely grey pallor. Oh.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Anybody know when Nelson's pension ran out?
0:09:00 > 0:09:03- 1974.- Close.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06- Seriously close. - Is it one of these anomalies...
0:09:06 > 0:09:08- Is someone still claiming it? - Not any more.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11It ran out in 1947, 142 years after his death.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14After the Battle of Trafalgar, his brother,
0:09:14 > 0:09:18who was an obscure Norfolk parson called Reverend William Nelson,
0:09:18 > 0:09:22was given an earldom and a pension of £5,000 a year.
0:09:22 > 0:09:23And this carried on,
0:09:23 > 0:09:26passed on down the family line until Clement Attlee stopped it in 1947.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30Even then, it was worth £400,000 a year in today's money.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32It was a serious amount of money.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36Right, time for some salty language now.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Complete the nautical rhyme.
0:09:38 > 0:09:39"A pig on the knee..."
0:09:39 > 0:09:41A pig on the knee, I'm a Tory MP?
0:09:43 > 0:09:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:51 > 0:09:54So, a pig on the knee is actually safety at sea.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Safety at sea, that old favourite.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58The next one is, a cock on the right...
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Transgender surgery doesn't always go right.
0:10:03 > 0:10:04Put out the lights.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07- Put out the lights? - Don't take flight.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09No. A cock on the right...
0:10:09 > 0:10:11The parish priest is strolling tonight.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:18 > 0:10:20That's poetry from you, Johnny.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22- Cock on the right, never lose a fight, it is.- Never lose a fight.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24So, it was superstitious sailors.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27They used to get tattoos of a pig on the left knee and a rooster,
0:10:27 > 0:10:29or a cock, on the right foot.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31So, pig on the knee, safety at sea.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33A cock on the right, never lose a fight.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Because the idea was that pigs and cockerels were kept in crates
0:10:36 > 0:10:38on the ships, and when the ships sank, the crates floated,
0:10:38 > 0:10:41and the animals were associated with surviving shipwrecks.
0:10:41 > 0:10:45I heard that because a pig and a cock can't swim,
0:10:45 > 0:10:48so God would look at you benevolently.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Can pigs not swim?
0:10:50 > 0:10:52- I think famously pigs can't fly. - Yeah.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55That's the one. You're thinking of the Royal Air Force.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58They're full of salt. Surely that bobs, doesn't it, salt?
0:10:58 > 0:11:01It's going to be a struggle. When I took my baby swimming
0:11:01 > 0:11:04for the first time, I strapped two pigs to his hands.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07And I'm banned from the local swimming pool.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09- For bringing your own food in.- Yeah.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Anybody know where tattoos come from?
0:11:14 > 0:11:16I guess the South Pacific. Maui...
0:11:16 > 0:11:19They had them but it isn't where they come from.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23Is it your lot? Is it the... Scandinavian, the Vikings?
0:11:23 > 0:11:27- We randy Scandis, yes.- Is it the Vikings?- No, it isn't at all.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30As far as we know, medical tattoos go back about 5,000 years.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34Otzi the Iceman, who was found in the Alps, 5,000-year-old corpse,
0:11:34 > 0:11:38he had tattoos over his spine, over his right knee and ankles.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41And he also had osteoarthritis in his joints, and so it's possible
0:11:41 > 0:11:43they thought a tattoo had some healing effect,
0:11:43 > 0:11:46or that it might do something. So they're at least 5,000 years old.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48My brother got one.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50And you know the trend a few years ago,
0:11:50 > 0:11:52to get it in a language you don't understand
0:11:52 > 0:11:54- so you don't know if it's been misspelt?- Yeah.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56I said, "What does it mean?" He went, "Honesty."
0:11:56 > 0:11:57And as my mum walked in,
0:11:57 > 0:12:00he pulled his shirt on and just pretended he hadn't had it.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Lots of great women, tattooed ladies.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Nora Hildebrandt, she was America's very first
0:12:10 > 0:12:12professional tattooed lady.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15This is a wonderful drawing by my friend Sandy Nightingale
0:12:15 > 0:12:17of Nora Hildebrandt. Doesn't she look fab?
0:12:17 > 0:12:20She had 365 designs tattooed on her.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23She claimed she had been captured by Sitting Bull and his tribe
0:12:23 > 0:12:26and tied to a tree and tattooed every day for a year,
0:12:26 > 0:12:28but, in fact, her dad did it.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33- Slightly, it's a weirder story. - I think she may have been trying to
0:12:33 > 0:12:35detract from men staring at her nose.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40- I mean, you've got to question that. - Well, if you don't do your homework,
0:12:40 > 0:12:42I mean... What do you expect?
0:12:42 > 0:12:44How did he get involved?
0:12:44 > 0:12:47She was likely his showcase, as it were, his window display,
0:12:47 > 0:12:49to say, "These are the ones I can do."
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Thank God he didn't own a garage,
0:12:51 > 0:12:53or he'd have just glued car parts to her.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56- Yes.- She would have looked like a Transformer.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59How creepy is that? You walk into a tattooist's, say,
0:12:59 > 0:13:02"I'm thinking about getting a tattoo," and he goes,
0:13:02 > 0:13:04"Well, just look at my daughter for a while.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06- "Pick anything you want."- Yeah.
0:13:06 > 0:13:07"O...OK..."
0:13:07 > 0:13:10When you have a tattoo lasered off, what happens to it?
0:13:10 > 0:13:13- Do you know where it goes? - To heaven.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17They can't recycle them, can they?
0:13:17 > 0:13:21No. They don't scrape them off and give them to somebody else.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25There was a guy at Barts that had an incredible collection of tattoos.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27- Had he actually cut them off people's skin?- Yeah, so,
0:13:27 > 0:13:28whenever they got cadavers in,
0:13:28 > 0:13:31if they had an interesting tattoo, he'd take that piece of skin...
0:13:31 > 0:13:34- And frame it?- I think it was, like, in the '60s.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36They kind of went, "I don't think we can do that any more."
0:13:36 > 0:13:39What happens to them? We laser off a tattoo, what...?
0:13:39 > 0:13:41- It goes into your body. - Yes, exactly right.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44The beams of light heat the ink and breaks it down into little pieces.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47It's absorbed into the blood and it is excreted.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49So it comes out in your poo.
0:13:49 > 0:13:53So, you see it in your poo and you go, "That's what I really wanted!"
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Yeah, so if you loved somebody once...
0:13:55 > 0:13:58- A tattoo poo.- Yeah, you can poo them away, basically.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02If it came out in the wee, you'd stand there going, "I'm an octopus!"
0:14:05 > 0:14:08I now understand why boys make such a mess in the toilet,
0:14:08 > 0:14:09because they're not holding on.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15- Here's a naval question you'll know, if your brother's an admiral.- Yes.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Why is the Navy salute different to the Army salute?
0:14:18 > 0:14:20And you know how it's different?
0:14:20 > 0:14:21Er...
0:14:22 > 0:14:26It is... The Navy one's more of a, "Cooee!"
0:14:28 > 0:14:30"Hello, sailor!"
0:14:32 > 0:14:35- This?- That's right, that's the Navy. - That's the Navy.- And the Army?
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Is like that, exactly right. Do you know why?
0:14:38 > 0:14:40It's because Benny Hill wasn't in the Navy?
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Because their hands were covered in grease and Queen Victoria
0:14:43 > 0:14:45didn't like it, so she made them, instead of standing like that,
0:14:45 > 0:14:47she made them stand like that
0:14:47 > 0:14:48so she couldn't see how dirty their hands were.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51So they were meeting the Queen? "Shall we wash our hands?"
0:14:51 > 0:14:54"No, it's only the Queen coming aboard, don't worry about it."
0:14:54 > 0:14:55There's a lot of weird Navy things.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58They toast the Queen sitting down, the Navy, they don't stand up.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01They're the only services that are allowed to do that.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03I'm not sure why - it was either William IV or Charles II,
0:15:03 > 0:15:05and he was coming back to England,
0:15:05 > 0:15:09and he stood up during the toast and he bumped his head on a beam,
0:15:09 > 0:15:12and he announced from then on the Navy would sit down when drinking.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15And, so, now they do, toasting the King and Queen.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18They've got all sorts of very interesting language.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21- Jack Tar speak. - It's a bit rude, but the term for
0:15:21 > 0:15:24premature ejaculation is "getting off at Fratton,"
0:15:24 > 0:15:28because Fratton is the train station
0:15:28 > 0:15:31two before Portsmouth.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33LAUGHTER
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Which is your final destination, really.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Two before, so what's the station just one before?
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Because sometimes it's not that bad.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Sometimes I fall asleep at the station and I'm there for ages.
0:15:49 > 0:15:53That's almost too much information for me, really.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56I go to Portsmouth all the time. I shall look at Fratton with new eyes.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Do you? Ooh!
0:15:58 > 0:16:00- I do, yes. - Same here, same here, yeah.
0:16:00 > 0:16:01What, go to Portsmouth?
0:16:01 > 0:16:05Oh, no, I thought we were talking about Fratton. Sorry.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07I'm so sorry!
0:16:07 > 0:16:10For some sailors, tattoos were thought to be a real life-saver.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13Now, what are these men looking at?
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Their feet.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18- No, something higher up. - Their genitalia.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20- It's higher than that. - Their navels, they're navel-gazing.
0:16:20 > 0:16:25Yes. They're engaged in omphaloskepsis, or navel-gazing.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28So, the Greek for navel is omphalos,
0:16:28 > 0:16:30and apparently it's an aid to meditation.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32It doesn't look like what they're doing, does it?
0:16:32 > 0:16:34But in some yoga practices, it's regarded as an aid to meditation.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36It looks like they're thinking,
0:16:36 > 0:16:38"These pills I bought on the internet are not working.
0:16:40 > 0:16:41"I've been bloody ripped off, haven't I?"
0:16:41 > 0:16:45You can never quite capture in a statue someone crying.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50- That's true, that's true. - And going, "Why me, God, why me?"
0:16:50 > 0:16:53After having a couple of kids, I tell you, it's not meditative.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56I just see blind panic when I look at mine.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58We should all possibly panic when we look at our navels,
0:16:58 > 0:17:03because the average human navel has about 50 species of bacteria in it.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05That one's got a peanut in it.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Never mind bacteria, that's a whole peanut.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11They're very varied, aren't they?
0:17:11 > 0:17:12- Yeah.- Belly buttons.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15An innie, an outie, and a kind of natural horizon.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19Honestly, if you combine it with my man-breasts,
0:17:19 > 0:17:20whenever I take my top off,
0:17:20 > 0:17:25it looks like my midriff has been rejected for a loan.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28LAUGHTER
0:17:30 > 0:17:32It looks so depressed,
0:17:32 > 0:17:34like it's filled out all the forms and everything.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40But if you stand on your hands, does it look like it's got the loan?
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Yeah, I can turn upside down and it looks like it's in tax exile.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Mine's got real passion.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49It's got more range than this has.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Do you know why there are innies or outies?
0:17:53 > 0:17:54Do you know what the reason is?
0:17:54 > 0:17:56It's just where they tie it off, isn't it?
0:17:56 > 0:17:57No, it's nothing to do with that at all.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00So, after birth, the umbilical cord is cut to, whatever it is,
0:18:00 > 0:18:02an inch or two from the newborn's belly,
0:18:02 > 0:18:04and then it dries up and falls off as the muscles close up.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06And the navel is just the scar left, basically,
0:18:06 > 0:18:08from the base of the cord.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10And usually it ends up slightly retracted,
0:18:10 > 0:18:12but sometimes a bit of extra skin stays, that's all,
0:18:12 > 0:18:14and it makes it stick out or the muscles don't close off,
0:18:14 > 0:18:17and you're left with a little tiny protruding hernia.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20That one's got a hand growing out of it.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22LAUGHTER
0:18:22 > 0:18:24A bloody disaster, that.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27It is amazing, they can remove your kidney,
0:18:27 > 0:18:29your gall bladder through the navel, now.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31They don't have even any scarring.
0:18:31 > 0:18:32They've got to ask, though, haven't they?
0:18:32 > 0:18:34They do have to ask, yeah.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38They'll do you a tattoo of a little door.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43It beats waking up in a bath on holiday
0:18:43 > 0:18:46with all that ice around you.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48"Not again!"
0:18:48 > 0:18:50They can do everything now,
0:18:50 > 0:18:53- they can turn you inside out through your navel.- Can they?- Yeah.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55- JOHNNY:- How can they turn you inside out?
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Just put your hand... It's like a duvet cover.
0:18:58 > 0:18:59LAUGHTER
0:19:02 > 0:19:04My mum has got some loose skin at the back.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Next time she's holding drinks, I'm going to try the...
0:19:10 > 0:19:12"My mum's got some loose skin at the back."
0:19:12 > 0:19:17Well, I'm sure she's watching this, proud as ever.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20"Oh, my Johnny's on television this evening, so proud of that boy."
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Her phone's already ringing off the hook.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26"What's this about loose skin on your back?
0:19:26 > 0:19:27"It's the talk of the street!"
0:19:29 > 0:19:32It's the only work I do that the girls from bingo watch.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35But imagine if she were still holding the tray of drinks.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41And suddenly looking ten years younger.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46There's an underwear model, I think, Karolina Kurkova.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48She's got no belly button at all. Well, I mean...
0:19:48 > 0:19:50All humans ought to have a belly button
0:19:50 > 0:19:52but I think there are a few people that don't...
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Oh, now! There's a tattooed woman who's had the whites of her eyes
0:19:55 > 0:19:58tattooed blue, and she's had her navel removed.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01- I think you can do it as a cosmetic thing.- She's had her eyes...
0:20:01 > 0:20:05- Not her eyeballs?- Yes!- Her eyelids! - Yes, she has.- Or her eyeballs?
0:20:05 > 0:20:06Her eyeballs.
0:20:06 > 0:20:10- Injected with purple ink.- So, you can get your eyeballs tattooed.
0:20:10 > 0:20:15- It saves on mascara. Why would you do that?- I don't know.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Because she probably saw it on QI and went, "Yeah, why not?"
0:20:18 > 0:20:21All you have to do is drink for 20 years and then you get
0:20:21 > 0:20:22a lovely shade of red.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26It's all been worth it, Johnny.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31Contemplating your navel can bring you both innie and outie peace.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34That's nice, isn't it? AUDIENCE GROANS
0:20:34 > 0:20:35All right, back off!
0:20:35 > 0:20:38- When I get angry... - LAUGHTER
0:20:38 > 0:20:40What am I an inch and a half taller than?
0:20:42 > 0:20:45- I'm five foot tall. - The cast of Time Bandits.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Kylie Minogue. She's 4' 11", isn't she?
0:20:51 > 0:20:53- She is tiny. - You were an inch and a half -
0:20:53 > 0:20:57God rest his soul - smaller than Ronnie Corbett.
0:20:57 > 0:20:58Yes, Ronnie...
0:20:58 > 0:21:01- He was 5'1½".- ..Ronnie Corbett and I worked together often.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04I remember playing golf with Ronnie, and he said,
0:21:04 > 0:21:07"Dear God, darling, from a distance we must look like a condiment set."
0:21:07 > 0:21:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:14 > 0:21:17I pay tribute to him, one of the funniest men I ever worked with.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20- A delight.- Is it a naval thing, anything to do with naval...?
0:21:20 > 0:21:22It is about exploration, it's about travel,
0:21:22 > 0:21:25but it's about travel in a different direction, away from...
0:21:25 > 0:21:27- Is it roller-coasters?- Space. - Space, yes, it's space.
0:21:27 > 0:21:31Yes, it's the minimum height for Nasa. You need to be 4'10½".
0:21:31 > 0:21:33And the maximum is 6'4".
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Basically, you need to be tall enough to reach the controls,
0:21:35 > 0:21:37and not too tall to fit in the seat.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40The weird thing is that in space... I'd quite like to go,
0:21:40 > 0:21:43because you grow two inches because of the lack of gravity.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45So you would go into space and exceed the height limit,
0:21:45 > 0:21:47if you started out at 6'4"...
0:21:47 > 0:21:50LAUGHTER
0:21:54 > 0:21:56APPLAUSE
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Surely it all comes crashing down once you land?
0:22:08 > 0:22:10As you're getting nearer and nearer the Earth...
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Yeah, but what if you're up in space,
0:22:15 > 0:22:17you're up in space and then they suddenly tell you
0:22:17 > 0:22:19- you're too tall? - Well, when astronaut Scott Kelly
0:22:19 > 0:22:22came back from the International Space Station,
0:22:22 > 0:22:24he had a twin brother. They had been the same height when he left,
0:22:24 > 0:22:26and he was two inches taller than his brother when he got back.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Once you get back to Earth, you shrink back pretty quickly.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31And the other thing... See, this would be very good,
0:22:31 > 0:22:34you'd like this, Johnny - it's very good for your figure, OK?
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Why would that be good for me, Sandi?
0:22:38 > 0:22:42- I'm dying to know.- Because your chest and navel might get a loan.
0:22:44 > 0:22:45But then...
0:22:45 > 0:22:48But then it would stretch, I'd get over competent,
0:22:48 > 0:22:51and then break the record for eating cheesecake in space.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55What happens is, in space, the internal organs move up
0:22:55 > 0:22:58inside the torso, so your waist shrinks by several inches.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01So, on Earth, for example, the human leg muscles,
0:23:01 > 0:23:04they pump blood into the upper body against gravity, but in space,
0:23:04 > 0:23:07no gravity, so the blood and fluids get pumped upwards,
0:23:07 > 0:23:08and you get this buffed-up torso.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Can you get breasts that sit above your clavicle, Sandi?
0:23:11 > 0:23:14- That would be great.- You sound like that's something that people want.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16They go, "Oh!"
0:23:16 > 0:23:19You could eat a pizza and keep it there for two weeks.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25If you've just got bad acid indigestion, you could do that.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28I'm used to reflux.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30This is very off-topic, but when I first met Johnny...
0:23:30 > 0:23:33- I don't know why you're apologising. - ..he had acid reflux.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35It was in the Gilded Balloon in Edinburgh, back in the day.
0:23:35 > 0:23:40And you were making home-made Gaviscon from half a pint of Baileys
0:23:40 > 0:23:42and half a pint of Cointreau.
0:23:50 > 0:23:51And you said...
0:23:51 > 0:23:54"Have a sip of that. It's home-made Gaviscon.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56"It really takes the edge off."
0:23:56 > 0:23:59It was a drink that allowed you to keep on drinking whilst,
0:23:59 > 0:24:03you know, keeping the acid demons at bay.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Half a pint of Baileys, half a pint of Cointreau.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Literally, a recipe for disaster.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Did it work? Did it work, though?
0:24:11 > 0:24:14The Cointreau gives you an edge, and the Baileys...
0:24:14 > 0:24:17- Takes it away again. - ..takes away the edge.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20I'd quite like to see you in space, it'd be great.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22- Would you like to go? - I would love to go.
0:24:22 > 0:24:26- Is that the weightlessness? The view of Earth?- It's that it's so other.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Apparently, the weirdest thing is,
0:24:28 > 0:24:30because your organs are kind of up in the top of your body,
0:24:30 > 0:24:34you can also feel your food literally floating around as well.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Helen Sharman talked about this weird feeling of your own food
0:24:36 > 0:24:40- floating inside because there's no gravity.- It doesn't appeal.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Does it not? Oh, I would love to go.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44I wish they could send some poets and some artists up there,
0:24:44 > 0:24:47so we can get a bit more of an idea of what it actually...
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Because if you see anyone interviewed, they go,
0:24:49 > 0:24:51"Yeah, it's very nice."
0:24:51 > 0:24:54If they sent Will Self, do a video diary.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59"The majestic splendour of Earth...
0:25:00 > 0:25:02"..is a little disappointing.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06"14 days without a cigarette now."
0:25:06 > 0:25:09LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:13 > 0:25:16The minimum height for a Nasa astronaut is 4'10½",
0:25:16 > 0:25:18so, hope for me yet.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21Alan, what have you got that most people would describe as average
0:25:21 > 0:25:23- rather than large or small?- Oh...
0:25:25 > 0:25:26Don't you look handsome?
0:25:26 > 0:25:29- RONNI:- Oh, you do.- Look at you. - He dresses up well.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32When did people start wearing ties with a suit like that?
0:25:32 > 0:25:33When did that start happening?
0:25:36 > 0:25:39What have you got people would describe as average rather
0:25:39 > 0:25:42- than large or small?- All of me is average.- No, that's not true.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Nothing of me is large, or too small.
0:25:48 > 0:25:49So, it's in your visage.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52- The distance between his eyes. - Eyes, nose, mouth, teeth...
0:25:52 > 0:25:54- It's your nose, it's your nose. - Nose.- Here's the weird thing.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57Early British passports didn't have photographs at all
0:25:57 > 0:26:00so you had to describe your facial features. So, for nose,
0:26:00 > 0:26:03almost everybody wrote "average" rather than "large" or "small."
0:26:03 > 0:26:04I suppose, overall, they were right.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13If you wanted to appear authoritative,
0:26:13 > 0:26:16you could put "Roman," apparently. You could say you had a Roman nose.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Other categories, forehead. How would you describe your forehead?
0:26:19 > 0:26:22I would describe mine as at least a six or possibly an eight head.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27I'd describe mine as an Ant, off of Ant and Dec.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32I can never remember which one that is.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34It's the one with the Jimmy Carter forehead.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Complexion. How would you describe your complexion?
0:26:38 > 0:26:41- Those are the other things they've to do.- I would say ruddy.- Ruddy...
0:26:41 > 0:26:44- Ruddy is good.- Ruddy was good. - "I've got a ruddy complexion."
0:26:44 > 0:26:45"Fresh" was good.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48The British government apparently disliked the idea of putting
0:26:48 > 0:26:50physical descriptions on passports.
0:26:50 > 0:26:54It meant that British people would be scrutinised by foreigners.
0:26:54 > 0:26:55Quite right, too.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Those were the days when it was only the British that travelled.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00- And everyone trusted us anyway. - Absolutely.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02In 1835, the Foreign Secretary, Lord Palmerston,
0:27:02 > 0:27:05argued with the Belgian government saying, "Requirements to provide
0:27:05 > 0:27:08"one's height and eye colour was degrading and offensive."
0:27:08 > 0:27:10And, besides, none of us want to come to Belgium.
0:27:12 > 0:27:13How things have changed.
0:27:13 > 0:27:17My eight-year-old was body searched and swept for explosives twice.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20- Your eight-year-old? - And, guess what?
0:27:20 > 0:27:22She was clear so we can all sleep easy in our beds.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25So, what was... Why was she going alone to Syria?
0:27:31 > 0:27:35There's a fantastic letter written in 1914 by a man
0:27:35 > 0:27:37called Bassett Digby. It says, "Sir.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39"A little light might be shed with advantage
0:27:39 > 0:27:42"upon the high-handed methods of the passports department
0:27:42 > 0:27:44"of the Foreign Office. On the form provided for the purpose,
0:27:44 > 0:27:47"I described my face as 'intelligent.'
0:27:47 > 0:27:50"Instead of finding this characterisation entered,
0:27:50 > 0:27:52"I have received a passport in which some official,
0:27:52 > 0:27:55"utterly unknown to me, has taken it upon himself
0:27:55 > 0:27:57"to call my face 'oval.'"
0:27:59 > 0:28:04- That's so brilliant. You could just be anybody you wanted to be.- Yeah.
0:28:04 > 0:28:05Why do you think it changed?
0:28:05 > 0:28:08Why did we suddenly think, actually, that's not a good idea,
0:28:08 > 0:28:11- these written physical descriptions? - Wartime?- Yeah. It's World War I.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14We suddenly got very anxious about German spies.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16We thought, actually, they don't take a good photograph.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18We'll take photographs. It'll be absolutely fine.
0:28:18 > 0:28:22- Who doesn't need a passport? - I presume the Queen.- Her Majesty.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25- But she has to bring a 20.- Yeah.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30"Could you just turn to the side, ma'am?" "Certainly. That's me."
0:28:30 > 0:28:33The passport is issued in her name and, therefore, she is,
0:28:33 > 0:28:35as it were, a passport.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37So she doesn't need to carry one.
0:28:37 > 0:28:40Now, for a truly gigantic feat of navigation. Every year,
0:28:40 > 0:28:44this bird flies 5,000 miles across the Pacific.
0:28:44 > 0:28:46What does it do when it gets there?
0:28:46 > 0:28:47Has a cocktail.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49I like that it has a cocktail, but no.
0:28:49 > 0:28:53- Remembers it's left the gas on? - Sweet.
0:28:53 > 0:28:55Unclips its wings, unzips,
0:28:55 > 0:28:57and it's an otter.
0:29:02 > 0:29:05Two points to Johnny.
0:29:05 > 0:29:09It goes to duty-free, gets 200 fags, flies back.
0:29:09 > 0:29:13Well, the last part is, in fact, correct.
0:29:13 > 0:29:16- What, it flies 5,000 miles...? - It's the weirdest thing.
0:29:16 > 0:29:19It has a rest, and then it goes back again.
0:29:19 > 0:29:23It's the ancient murrelet, and it's a Pacific sea bird.
0:29:23 > 0:29:25The common murre is a large auk, so the murrelet is a small one.
0:29:25 > 0:29:28And it's called "ancient" because of its grey back,
0:29:28 > 0:29:30it's supposed to look like a shawl draped over...
0:29:30 > 0:29:32draped over an old person's shoulders.
0:29:32 > 0:29:36And every year it travels 5,000 miles across the North Pacific,
0:29:36 > 0:29:39from western Canada to the seas off Japan, and then the following
0:29:39 > 0:29:43spring, it goes back again for no discernible benefit whatsoever.
0:29:43 > 0:29:47Do you think it's just disappointed with its destination?
0:29:47 > 0:29:50Well, mostly they migrate for warmer weather, or better food sources.
0:29:50 > 0:29:53But the food and the climate is the same at both ends.
0:29:53 > 0:29:57So, the only explanation scientists have come up with is that
0:29:57 > 0:30:00it is automatically following an ancient migration route,
0:30:00 > 0:30:02which used to make sense,
0:30:02 > 0:30:05and the poor bird hasn't realised yet that it's pointless.
0:30:06 > 0:30:09- You mean there's no benefit in the seasons, or the climate?- No.
0:30:09 > 0:30:11- No benefit whatsoever. - Or the temperature?
0:30:11 > 0:30:14You do have the penguins on the beach in South Africa,
0:30:14 > 0:30:18so, they just get there, and they're going, "Ha. Ha!"
0:30:18 > 0:30:20And there's a kind of social awkwardness.
0:30:20 > 0:30:22And they go, "Come on, Mildred, we're leaving.
0:30:24 > 0:30:26"Don't take your coat off. We're not staying."
0:30:27 > 0:30:30They go from western Canada to the seas off Japan.
0:30:30 > 0:30:33I don't think they take in South Africa on the way.
0:30:33 > 0:30:36You know what? In my head, it was a great theory.
0:30:37 > 0:30:39The Arctic terns are extraordinary.
0:30:39 > 0:30:43Every year, they travel up to 50,000 miles between the Earth's poles.
0:30:43 > 0:30:47- What's their act? Out of interest. - What kind of a "turn" is it?
0:30:47 > 0:30:49- Yeah.- I'm there with you.
0:30:49 > 0:30:53Rather than flying directly from the Arctic to Antarctica,
0:30:53 > 0:30:56they go on a route which adds 1,800 miles to the trip.
0:30:56 > 0:30:58So, it's incredibly complicated.
0:30:58 > 0:31:01But they take advantage of the global wind system,
0:31:01 > 0:31:02so they're probably saving energy.
0:31:02 > 0:31:05I'm sorry, could that map be a little bit less clear?
0:31:07 > 0:31:09I'd just like to know less about what's going on.
0:31:09 > 0:31:14If my child had three crayons in a pizza parlour.
0:31:14 > 0:31:16Sorry, what's that telling us?
0:31:16 > 0:31:18- Spaghetti's delicious.- It's showing us they don't go straight
0:31:18 > 0:31:20from the Antarctic to the Arctic.
0:31:20 > 0:31:23That's what you call cartologists covering their options, aren't they?
0:31:23 > 0:31:27Most of the journey, they're going, "Whoa!
0:31:27 > 0:31:29"It's windy! It's windy!"
0:31:30 > 0:31:32Imagine, though, to travel that far.
0:31:32 > 0:31:34Although the longest nonstop flight ever recorded
0:31:34 > 0:31:36is the bar-tailed godwit,
0:31:36 > 0:31:39and when it migrates, it flies 7,100 miles without stopping.
0:31:39 > 0:31:42- I once went to Swansea for 70 quid. - Did you?
0:31:44 > 0:31:45A very similar journey.
0:31:46 > 0:31:48Equally pointless.
0:31:50 > 0:31:54- Did you get there and come straight back again?- I wanted to.
0:31:54 > 0:31:57Someone put me up and it turned out all right.
0:31:57 > 0:31:59I do find the whole navigation thing so extraordinary.
0:31:59 > 0:32:02Sand wasps fly backwards around their home when they leave in
0:32:02 > 0:32:05the morning, and it's to make sure they can find their way back again.
0:32:05 > 0:32:08They check out exactly what it looks like around their home,
0:32:08 > 0:32:10so they fly backwards away from home, check out what it's like.
0:32:10 > 0:32:12That's what you should be doing, Johnny.
0:32:12 > 0:32:15Just walk backwards around your house a few times.
0:32:15 > 0:32:16You'll never get lost again!
0:32:17 > 0:32:20Now, it's time for us to pull out the bungs and immerse ourselves
0:32:20 > 0:32:23in the murky waters of general ignorance,
0:32:23 > 0:32:24so fingers on buzzers, please.
0:32:26 > 0:32:29What is the fastest swimming stroke?
0:32:29 > 0:32:32- RASPY HONK Jimmy.- Dolphin.
0:32:32 > 0:32:34Well, dolphins are jolly quick,
0:32:34 > 0:32:37but even they can't do this stroke.
0:32:37 > 0:32:39But they could probably beat whoever's doing it.
0:32:39 > 0:32:41What they can do, which we can't do,
0:32:41 > 0:32:42we create a bow wave when we're swimming
0:32:42 > 0:32:46and dolphins are able to leap over it, so there's no water resistance.
0:32:46 > 0:32:48So, points for that then. 100% right.
0:32:48 > 0:32:50No. It isn't the fastest swimming stroke.
0:32:50 > 0:32:52Are we looking for a human stroke?
0:32:52 > 0:32:56It is a stroke that humans can do, but we got it from somewhere else.
0:32:56 > 0:32:59- The butterfly.- Oh, I like that we got it from the butterfly.
0:32:59 > 0:33:02I like that.
0:33:02 > 0:33:03The backstroke.
0:33:03 > 0:33:05No, it's not the butterfly, it's not the crawl.
0:33:05 > 0:33:08- Doggy paddle!- The tumble turn.
0:33:08 > 0:33:11When they turn, and then they swim, do you know what they do then?
0:33:11 > 0:33:13Oh, that sort of wiggling underwater bit?
0:33:13 > 0:33:16The wiggling underwater thing, it's called the fish kick.
0:33:16 > 0:33:19You know what else they call it? They call it "the dolphin."
0:33:19 > 0:33:22Because that's exactly what a dolphin does.
0:33:22 > 0:33:24Literally points, cos, I mean, that is a dolphin.
0:33:24 > 0:33:27- He's doing the dolphin.- In Jimmy's defence, they don't wear Speedos,
0:33:27 > 0:33:30- but they look very similar. - They do look very similar.
0:33:30 > 0:33:33You're only allowed to swim underwater for the first 15m,
0:33:33 > 0:33:35so that's why people don't do it in competitive swimming.
0:33:35 > 0:33:37Although there are some fantastic...
0:33:37 > 0:33:42This is an American swimmer, who has the best name ever. Her name is...
0:33:42 > 0:33:48- Is it Hyman?- She's called Misty Hyman.- Misty Hyman.- I do know her.
0:33:49 > 0:33:52She's one of the most famous proponents
0:33:52 > 0:33:54of this underwater fish kick.
0:33:54 > 0:33:57And she thinks underwater swimming would be rather fine for audiences.
0:33:57 > 0:33:59She said, they would have the excitement of wondering
0:33:59 > 0:34:01where you're going to pop up again.
0:34:01 > 0:34:04I very much enjoyed the interviews they did with the swimmers
0:34:04 > 0:34:07who won gold medals in the Olympics. And I remember one of them saying,
0:34:07 > 0:34:09they said, "What was his secret?" He said, "I realised
0:34:09 > 0:34:11"the competition was very stiff, so I put my head down
0:34:11 > 0:34:12"and swam really fast."
0:34:14 > 0:34:16Always good.
0:34:16 > 0:34:21Now, what did Highland warriors wear at the Battle of Bannockburn?
0:34:21 > 0:34:22Kilts.
0:34:23 > 0:34:25No, not kilts, no.
0:34:27 > 0:34:29- Here's a random Scandinavian fact. - Oh, OK.
0:34:29 > 0:34:33The word kilt comes from the Danish word kilte, meaning tuck.
0:34:33 > 0:34:36- So it's actually a Danish word.- Oh! - Yes, that's rather fine.
0:34:36 > 0:34:38But medieval Scottish warriors did not wear kilts
0:34:38 > 0:34:41when they went into battle. What did they wear, anybody know?
0:34:41 > 0:34:43- Dungarees.- Pantaloons! - It was a yellow tunic.
0:34:43 > 0:34:45A yellow tunic?!
0:34:45 > 0:34:47A yellow tunic, called a leine croich.
0:34:47 > 0:34:49I love the bloke on the left's got one of those
0:34:49 > 0:34:50umbrella hats from the fair.
0:34:50 > 0:34:52Yes, they're rather fine, aren't they?
0:34:52 > 0:34:54He's trying to knock it off.
0:34:54 > 0:34:56- SCOTTISH ACCENT: - "That's a stupid hat!"
0:34:59 > 0:35:00"It's not even raining!"
0:35:02 > 0:35:05What was weird, they used saffron to make them yellow.
0:35:05 > 0:35:07But if they didn't have saffron, they used to use...
0:35:07 > 0:35:08- Urine!- Yes.
0:35:08 > 0:35:11- Horse urine. - Very keen on the yellow, then.
0:35:11 > 0:35:13"Pish-stained tunic."
0:35:13 > 0:35:14Urine was in all the tweeds as well,
0:35:14 > 0:35:16because they used to use it to fix the colours of the tweeds.
0:35:16 > 0:35:18Yeah, but still, you know,
0:35:18 > 0:35:20"Can we not make it green from the grass?"
0:35:20 > 0:35:21"No, keep on pissing on it."
0:35:23 > 0:35:27That horse has got the hots for the painter.
0:35:27 > 0:35:30Yeah, he's looking right at him, isn't he?
0:35:30 > 0:35:33"Hello. Are you getting my best side?
0:35:33 > 0:35:36"Don't paint the twat in the umbrella hat, for God's sake."
0:35:36 > 0:35:41We do have an image, don't we, of the kilt being part of the attire?
0:35:41 > 0:35:42- Very much so.- But, in fact,
0:35:42 > 0:35:45it was invented for a totally different reason, it was...
0:35:45 > 0:35:47Invented for weddings. They're always in weddings.
0:35:47 > 0:35:51- No, it was...- Sometimes you can have too much material for a kilt.
0:35:53 > 0:35:55"Just wrap it round here, don't worry about it."
0:35:55 > 0:35:57"One day they'll invent scissors."
0:35:58 > 0:36:01It was actually invented in the 1720s by an English Quaker
0:36:01 > 0:36:04and industrialist, a man called Thomas Rawlinson,
0:36:04 > 0:36:07and he wanted a safer item of clothing for his employees,
0:36:07 > 0:36:09his Scottish employees, in his iron foundry.
0:36:09 > 0:36:13Can I suggest you don't go north of the border and mention that fact?
0:36:13 > 0:36:16Well, the word tartan comes from Middle French -
0:36:16 > 0:36:17they won't like any of it, really.
0:36:17 > 0:36:20The word kilt is Danish - none of it's good.
0:36:20 > 0:36:22Did he have a shop for tourists in Edinburgh?
0:36:22 > 0:36:24Was that why he was secretly...?
0:36:24 > 0:36:26Have you ever been in one of those shops that says,
0:36:26 > 0:36:28"We can find the tartan for any surname"?
0:36:28 > 0:36:30- Oh, yeah.- Apparently not.
0:36:32 > 0:36:34Sorry, can you explain what you're wearing?
0:36:34 > 0:36:38Ah, yes, the great Danish Toksvig tartan!
0:36:38 > 0:36:41- It's rather fetching.- Sandi, would you speak a bit of Danish for us?
0:36:41 > 0:36:44SHE SPEAKS DANISH
0:36:44 > 0:36:46- So, there we are.- Did she just make that up?- No, I just said...
0:36:46 > 0:36:48No, she just said it backwards.
0:36:49 > 0:36:53- I said, you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.- Thank you!
0:36:53 > 0:36:56I can lie in two languages. If you...
0:36:56 > 0:36:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:37:01 > 0:37:04If you're so hungry you could eat a kilt, don't eat the yellow ones,
0:37:04 > 0:37:06that's the advice.
0:37:06 > 0:37:08Name a cold-blooded creature.
0:37:08 > 0:37:09Lizard.
0:37:15 > 0:37:19So, there are some, yes, but there are also...
0:37:19 > 0:37:21That's why they like the sun to warm up.
0:37:21 > 0:37:25- We've had it on here before, I learnt that on here!- Yes.
0:37:25 > 0:37:26LAUGHTER
0:37:26 > 0:37:28He's spent ten years doing this show
0:37:28 > 0:37:30for pieces of information like that!
0:37:30 > 0:37:33- But I've arrived with new information!- Oh, no!
0:37:33 > 0:37:34Simon Cowell.
0:37:37 > 0:37:39There are in fact warm-blooded lizards,
0:37:39 > 0:37:40and indeed warm-blooded fish.
0:37:40 > 0:37:42Almost all reptiles, you're right.
0:37:42 > 0:37:44- That's a horrible picture. - It's not a good one, no.
0:37:44 > 0:37:48That is a yacare caiman eating a catfish.
0:37:48 > 0:37:50Or a catfish eating the caiman's tongue.
0:37:52 > 0:37:54Almost all reptiles and fish are cold-blooded,
0:37:54 > 0:37:57so they depend on their surroundings to heat them up.
0:37:57 > 0:38:00However, in 2015, we have just had new news -
0:38:00 > 0:38:03scientists have discovered warm-blooded lizards and fish.
0:38:03 > 0:38:04- Argh!- I know.
0:38:04 > 0:38:06So that lizard there, on the left,
0:38:06 > 0:38:09can heat itself up to ten degrees warmer than its environment
0:38:09 > 0:38:11and nobody knows why.
0:38:11 > 0:38:13And they both live together?
0:38:13 > 0:38:14No, they don't.
0:38:15 > 0:38:18They look surprised, the fish looks very surprised.
0:38:18 > 0:38:19It's called an opah fish.
0:38:19 > 0:38:22It's the only completely warm-blooded fish.
0:38:22 > 0:38:23How is it the only one?
0:38:23 > 0:38:24Is it just really awkward?
0:38:26 > 0:38:30I'm sorry, how do you become the only fish that's warm-blooded
0:38:30 > 0:38:31out of a whole...?
0:38:31 > 0:38:34Or did it just have an overbearing mum who made it
0:38:34 > 0:38:37a hot-water bottle and it just ate it and had an idea?
0:38:37 > 0:38:38It's a really good question,
0:38:38 > 0:38:42because the fact is we don't know how warm-bloodedness evolved.
0:38:42 > 0:38:43Ate a hot-water bottle!
0:38:45 > 0:38:47Looks like a hot-water bottle shape.
0:38:47 > 0:38:51What's more prevalent, post the wipe-out of the dinosaurs?
0:38:51 > 0:38:52Isn't there a theory they died
0:38:52 > 0:38:54because of the change in temperature?
0:38:54 > 0:38:55The thing is, dinosaurs were neither
0:38:55 > 0:38:58warm-blooded nor cold-blooded, they were somewhere in between.
0:38:58 > 0:39:01- There were just right, weren't they? - They were just right!
0:39:01 > 0:39:03They had lovely Goldilocks blood.
0:39:03 > 0:39:06Because there are disadvantages to being warm-blooded, OK?
0:39:06 > 0:39:09Because one of the things is you have to keep eating to get fuel
0:39:09 > 0:39:11to maintain the constant body temperature.
0:39:11 > 0:39:14So, if, for example, a lion was as big as a Tyrannosaurus rex,
0:39:14 > 0:39:17it probably wouldn't be able to eat enough to survive.
0:39:17 > 0:39:19Isn't there a theory on the dinosaurs
0:39:19 > 0:39:22where they died out because over a certain temperature
0:39:22 > 0:39:24all the eggs hatched as male,
0:39:24 > 0:39:26and below a certain temperature they all hatched as female,
0:39:26 > 0:39:29and then the temperature went down and they all hatched as female,
0:39:29 > 0:39:32and then there were no more... no-one to mate with?
0:39:32 > 0:39:34Well, there are many theories about how the dinosaurs...
0:39:34 > 0:39:36But that's the correct one.
0:39:36 > 0:39:40The one that I can vaguely remember, I'm 90% sure it's 100% correct.
0:39:40 > 0:39:43There's someone who's never watched King Kong.
0:39:45 > 0:39:48Massive gorilla, mate. Twatted all of them.
0:39:48 > 0:39:51LAUGHTER
0:39:51 > 0:39:53Well, that's spoilt the end of that film. Now...
0:39:55 > 0:40:00What was the name of the village where Napoleon was defeated in 1815?
0:40:00 > 0:40:02- Ah...- Ah...
0:40:02 > 0:40:04Definitely was, I mean, 100%.
0:40:04 > 0:40:06- RASPY HONK - It was Waterloo.
0:40:06 > 0:40:08- No.- It was!
0:40:08 > 0:40:11- It definitely was.- It wasn't. - No.- Well...
0:40:11 > 0:40:15The Battle of Waterloo did not take place at Waterloo.
0:40:15 > 0:40:17It is called that because it's where the Duke of Wellington
0:40:17 > 0:40:19stayed the night after the battle,
0:40:19 > 0:40:21and it's where he wrote to his superiors about the battle.
0:40:21 > 0:40:24But, in fact, most of the battle happened a few miles away
0:40:24 > 0:40:28in the municipalities of Braine-l'Alleud and Lasne.
0:40:28 > 0:40:31You'd be really pissed off if you were a little village
0:40:31 > 0:40:34or a little town and your claim to fame was a massive victory,
0:40:34 > 0:40:38and you have to spend all the time going, "No, it was here, with us."
0:40:38 > 0:40:41- It's a few miles up... - I'm going to write to Abba now.
0:40:41 > 0:40:44What should the song be called? What should it be called?
0:40:44 > 0:40:46The municipality of Braine-l'Alleud and Lasne.
0:40:46 > 0:40:48That's bit difficult to rhyme, but OK.
0:40:48 > 0:40:51- Yeah.- Municipality...- Yeah.
0:40:51 > 0:40:54- That's going to ruin "Mamma Mia!", but fine, have it your way.- I know.
0:40:54 > 0:40:56The Battle of Waterloo didn't happen in Waterloo.
0:40:56 > 0:41:00And, finally, who wore the trousers in Britain in the 18th century?
0:41:00 > 0:41:01No-one.
0:41:01 > 0:41:04Somebody did. One class of person.
0:41:04 > 0:41:06Where have we been from the beginning?
0:41:06 > 0:41:09- The sailors.- Oh, sailor! - The sailors, absolutely right.
0:41:09 > 0:41:13It was only sailors. Men wore britches and women wore skirts.
0:41:13 > 0:41:15And trousers were specifically defined
0:41:15 > 0:41:20in a 1718 nautical dictionary as a sort of loose britches of canvas,
0:41:20 > 0:41:22worn by common sailors.
0:41:22 > 0:41:23So what about your officer class?
0:41:23 > 0:41:26- They'd have britches, wouldn't they? - They'd have britches on, yes.
0:41:26 > 0:41:28In fact, the Duke of Wellington was once thrown out of a club
0:41:28 > 0:41:31- for wearing trousers. - All been there, eh, Johnny?
0:41:31 > 0:41:34LAUGHTER
0:41:35 > 0:41:38"Why are you throwing me out?" "Because of your trousers!"
0:41:38 > 0:41:40Actually, Nelson died on deck partly because he was wearing
0:41:40 > 0:41:42his epaulettes, so he could be seen.
0:41:42 > 0:41:44Whereas Wellington, rather famously, wore dark clothing
0:41:44 > 0:41:46with no decorations. He's one of the first people
0:41:46 > 0:41:48who wore camouflage, as it were.
0:41:48 > 0:41:50He didn't want the enemy to be able to spot him.
0:41:50 > 0:41:52Nelson refused to take them off, didn't he?
0:41:52 > 0:41:55They pleaded with him to take off because
0:41:55 > 0:41:57- he could be seen and become a target.- Yeah.
0:41:57 > 0:41:59Although, originally, he had discouraged other officers
0:41:59 > 0:42:02from wearing them, saying it was too French, but it was important to him
0:42:02 > 0:42:05that he, as it were, led the way. So, anyway...
0:42:05 > 0:42:07In the 18th century, the only people who wore trousers
0:42:07 > 0:42:08were jolly Jack Tars.
0:42:08 > 0:42:11And that's your lot for tonight - time to settle the old scores.
0:42:11 > 0:42:13Well, it's an outright win.
0:42:13 > 0:42:17With a magnificent seven points, it's Ronni.
0:42:17 > 0:42:19Did I win?!
0:42:19 > 0:42:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:23 > 0:42:24In second place, and I'm very surprised,
0:42:24 > 0:42:26because he had winner written all over him,
0:42:26 > 0:42:28but with one point, it's Johnny.
0:42:28 > 0:42:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:35 > 0:42:38In third place, with -2, it's Jimmy.
0:42:38 > 0:42:41-2. What was the point?
0:42:41 > 0:42:43What was the point of that?
0:42:43 > 0:42:46And an epic fail, -36, Alan.
0:42:46 > 0:42:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:56 > 0:42:59That brings us to the end of our naval adventures.
0:42:59 > 0:43:01Thanks to Ronni, Jimmy, Johnny and Alan.
0:43:01 > 0:43:03And I leave you with this nautical headline
0:43:03 > 0:43:05from the Western Daily Press -
0:43:05 > 0:43:08"Fish rescued from a large pool of water."
0:43:09 > 0:43:12LAUGHTER
0:43:12 > 0:43:14Goodnight.
0:43:14 > 0:43:16APPLAUSE