0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language
0:00:21 > 0:00:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Oh, how nice. Thank you very much.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36How lovely!
0:00:36 > 0:00:42Welcome to QI, where tonight it's a lot of noble rot with knobs on.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46Nibbling at the upper crust are the incomparable king of comedy,
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Jason Manford.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Hello, hello.
0:00:51 > 0:00:56The quintessential queen of quips, Sara Pascoe.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:00 > 0:01:04The peerless prince of pleasantries, Jeremy Clarkson.
0:01:04 > 0:01:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:08 > 0:01:11And Lordy, Lordy, it's Alan Davies.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Right. Please ring down for service.
0:01:20 > 0:01:21Jason goes...
0:01:21 > 0:01:23SMALL BELL TINKLES
0:01:23 > 0:01:24Sarah goes...
0:01:24 > 0:01:26SCHOOL BELL RINGS
0:01:27 > 0:01:28Jeremy goes...
0:01:28 > 0:01:30LARGE BELL CLANGS
0:01:32 > 0:01:34And Alan goes...
0:01:34 > 0:01:35ACAPELLA SINGING
0:01:35 > 0:01:37# Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding
0:01:37 > 0:01:39# Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding-ding Ring, ring, ring... #
0:01:39 > 0:01:44Let's start off by hobnobbing with a top nob.
0:01:44 > 0:01:48Name a nobleman who invented a hot drink you might enjoy with a hobnob.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50- JEREMY:- Coffee Annan.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:53 > 0:01:55That's a drink and a snack, I think.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58- Baron Horlicks?- Very good.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Hobnobs, of course, are an impostor
0:02:00 > 0:02:02and no nobleman would have had a hobnob.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05- No, that is true. - They have the air of a classic.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07They do, and yet it's a PR invention.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Actually, they're a kind of '70s hallucination.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13OK. So this hot drink is also a kind of PR invention,
0:02:13 > 0:02:16which we call by the name of a Lord, but it isn't really.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18- Earl Grey.- Earl Grey. - It is Earl Grey.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21It is a black tea which has been flavoured with bergamot oil,
0:02:21 > 0:02:23and it is named after Earl Grey.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Almost certainly nothing to do with it.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Even though I think it continues to say so on the packaging.
0:02:27 > 0:02:28What about Lady Grey?
0:02:28 > 0:02:31- I like Lady Grey.- I was going to ask that. That's lovely, that one.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Well, you and me both! But... LAUGHTER
0:02:34 > 0:02:36- It's not a euphemism, it's an actual tea!- Oh, I see.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38I'm not into Earl Grey.
0:02:38 > 0:02:43- Why's that?- It's like someone's melted some pot pourri in a cup.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47The fact it smells exactly like it tastes is weird.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Yeah. You do know you're drunk at a party
0:02:49 > 0:02:51if you're eating the pot pourri, don't you?
0:02:51 > 0:02:53POT pourri, he started this.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56- POT pourri.- POT pourri is how it's said, isn't it, Jason?
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Oh, why, is there another pronunciation of it?
0:02:58 > 0:03:00- I'm going to say Po Pourri. - Oh, I see.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Po Pourri. I don't know, we don't have it in our house.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05- Have you eaten it? - We just have a Magic Tree.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07From the car.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10It's all over your shirt, Jason, it's all over your shirt!
0:03:10 > 0:03:15Do we know why it's been named after Earl Grey?
0:03:15 > 0:03:17- I've no idea.- Indeed, that is correct.- He insisted.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20No, he was probably dead 40 years when somebody first came up with it.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Oh, like Jesus.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24LAUGHTER
0:03:31 > 0:03:35If I'd said that I'd be in so much... He probably will be.
0:03:35 > 0:03:36LAUGHTER
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Anybody know what Earl Grey IS famous for?
0:03:38 > 0:03:40When was he alive?
0:03:40 > 0:03:45Well, I can tell you when he was in government, which is from 1830-1834.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47- Was it a law? Was it a movement? - It is a law.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49OK, so 1830...
0:03:49 > 0:03:52- 1832 there was an important law. What was that one, Jeremy?- Yes.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56- In 1830...- Corn Laws. Repealing the Corn Laws.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58- It's the Great Reform Act. - The police...
0:03:58 > 0:03:59- That's it!- Great Reform Act...
0:03:59 > 0:04:00# Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding... #
0:04:00 > 0:04:02- Yes?- The Great Reform Act of 1832.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Yes. So the reforming government extended the right to vote
0:04:10 > 0:04:13and got rid of the rotten boroughs, when there were, maybe,
0:04:13 > 0:04:16only nine voters returning a member of Parliament,
0:04:16 > 0:04:18so it helped to re-establish the authority of Parliament.
0:04:18 > 0:04:23But it was also that he led the most nepotistic government
0:04:23 > 0:04:26in British history. OK?
0:04:26 > 0:04:28It was described as the most
0:04:28 > 0:04:32aristocratic administration that has ever been formed.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35All but one of his 13 Cabinet members were either peers
0:04:35 > 0:04:38or heirs to a peerage and, in the lower ranks,
0:04:38 > 0:04:42- large numbers of his own family. - Did they call it 50 Shades Of Grey?
0:04:42 > 0:04:44They should have done. LAUGHTER
0:04:44 > 0:04:46- They would have been ahead of the game.- And pretty sexy.
0:04:48 > 0:04:49I don't...
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Tea, of course, the great British cure-all.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54There are some historians who consider that tea ought to take
0:04:54 > 0:04:57credit for the fact that the Industrial Revolution
0:04:57 > 0:04:59happened first in Britain. Why might that be?
0:04:59 > 0:05:02- Caffeine.- What, keeping you awake? - Yes.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04- No, it's not that. - What was the question?
0:05:06 > 0:05:07No, I was, I'm a bit deaf.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10- I'm so glad you joined us. - You're mocking the afflicted.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12- Not at all.- That's my job!
0:05:12 > 0:05:15SHE SHOUTS: Some historians take a view...
0:05:15 > 0:05:16Yep.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19It was last Tuesday! LAUGHTER
0:05:19 > 0:05:22There are historians who take a view that tea is responsible
0:05:22 > 0:05:24for the Industrial Revolution. Why might it be?
0:05:24 > 0:05:27- A determination to get tea here quickly?- No.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30So, industrialisation, what happens is you get a concentration
0:05:30 > 0:05:34of the population in cities and that usually leads to epidemics.
0:05:34 > 0:05:35However, in Britain
0:05:35 > 0:05:37the health got better rather than worse in cities...
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Oh, cos they were boiling the water?
0:05:39 > 0:05:42- Because they were boiling the water. - They didn't have the germs.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Exactly right. So other foods associated, I don't know,
0:05:44 > 0:05:46more or less plausibly with eponymous nobles?
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Baron Kit Kat?
0:05:48 > 0:05:51A Baron Kit Kat sounds like one without chocolate on it, doesn't it?
0:05:51 > 0:05:54LAUGHTER
0:05:54 > 0:05:56APPLAUSE
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Beef Wellington. Beef Wellington!
0:05:58 > 0:06:01- Good one.- Which I find too rich. Does anybody like beef Wellington?
0:06:01 > 0:06:04- I like it, me.- Do you?- Yeah, we didn't get it much at school.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07- Did you not? - I've grown into the taste, yeah.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11Battenberg cake, which was created especially for
0:06:11 > 0:06:15the marriage of Prince Louis of Battenberg in 1884.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Are we looking for titled people who give their names to food?
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Well, yes. That would be ideal.
0:06:20 > 0:06:21LAUGHTER
0:06:21 > 0:06:22Wellington.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26I will catch up with you in about five minutes.
0:06:26 > 0:06:27LAUGHTER
0:06:27 > 0:06:31It's a new thing. Honestly, have you tried being deaf?
0:06:31 > 0:06:33It's bloody difficult!
0:06:33 > 0:06:35- You can't...- Sorry?- It is.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39Put your fingers in your ears. It's all just like I'm underwater.
0:06:39 > 0:06:44- I'll lean forwards like that then I can stay in tune.- If you say so.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Anyway. Moving on.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49One way to get a good job is to be a nobleman's nephew.
0:06:49 > 0:06:54But how can you improve your job prospects by getting nicked?
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Is this Duke of Marlborough type stuff?
0:06:56 > 0:06:58No. Not particularly.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00We have to think about other words for...
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Oh! So if you're trying to get a job, and it would be good if you
0:07:03 > 0:07:06got nicked, maybe the job is, like, testing how sharp paper is.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09- OK.- And are people going to get paper cuts? That meaning of nicked.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12- That would be a great job. I would like that.- Just work with paper
0:07:12 > 0:07:14all day, like - those ones are too sharp.
0:07:14 > 0:07:15That one's lovely.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18What about when you lick an envelope and you cut your lip?
0:07:18 > 0:07:20- Oh!- Yeah. That would be, like, for the boss person
0:07:20 > 0:07:22to do that one, with tongues involved.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Half your face falls off.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26- Yeah.- OK, weirdly...- That's how the Joker got like that.
0:07:26 > 0:07:30- Weirdly...- An envelope accident. - ..you are in the right area.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33- Excellent.- ..of cutting your face.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Shaving! Shavers!
0:07:36 > 0:07:39- No.- Razors!- Barber!- No, it's nothing to do with shaving.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42It is until the Second World War
0:07:42 > 0:07:46the tradition of duelling with swords was absolutely woven
0:07:46 > 0:07:49into the fabric of life in the higher echelons of society.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52We are talking about the German-speaking world,
0:07:52 > 0:07:53I should be specific.
0:07:53 > 0:07:54And the professional classes,
0:07:54 > 0:07:58they wore the resulting scars on their cheeks as badges of honour.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02And even today there's about 160 student duelling clubs.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05We can have a look at them fighting here.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07So one of the things is you mustn't move.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09You're not allowed to move your feet at all.
0:08:09 > 0:08:10You have to keep your left hand behind your back.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12- Are they beekeepers or...? - LAUGHTER
0:08:12 > 0:08:14They're a bit like Freemasons.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16And so the old boys of these duelling clubs,
0:08:16 > 0:08:20they absolutely dominate lots and lots of the jobs in big business.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22And you can see it's very ritualised,
0:08:22 > 0:08:24and they have these extraordinary get-togethers.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27They sing patriotic songs and they have such prodigious
0:08:27 > 0:08:32beer-drinking contests that they have special puking basins.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Is this before the fight?
0:08:34 > 0:08:36I'm very much hoping it's afterwards.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38- I very much...- That would be great, drunk-duelling.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41- I'd like to see that.- I think you did that on about series 16
0:08:41 > 0:08:43of Top Gear, didn't you?
0:08:43 > 0:08:45LAUGHTER
0:08:45 > 0:08:47And the scars, they're known as schmitte,
0:08:47 > 0:08:50or Renommierschmisser,
0:08:50 > 0:08:51and they're known as bragging scars.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54- HE SLURS:- I was really drunk...
0:08:54 > 0:08:56They were terrible injuries.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59In 1566 the Danish astronomer Tycho Brahe
0:08:59 > 0:09:01lost his nose to a fellow student.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Sorry, he was an astronomer?
0:09:04 > 0:09:07A famous Danish astronomer. So I'm trying on each show, Jason,
0:09:07 > 0:09:09to put in a random Scandinavian fact.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11- Good.- Which I call my Randy Scandi.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13LAUGHTER
0:09:13 > 0:09:15He lost his nose and he had to wear a brass
0:09:15 > 0:09:18- prosthetic for the rest of his life. - Brass?- Brass, yeah.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21You'd look a bit ridiculous going through airport metal detectors.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24That's right. They couldn't get a better nose replacement than brass,
0:09:24 > 0:09:26but there were aeroplanes.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28- LAUGHTER - He can't hear.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32This is the best, we can say anything we want about Jeremy
0:09:32 > 0:09:33and he can't hear us.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38LARGE BELL CHIMES
0:09:38 > 0:09:40LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:42 > 0:09:44- Can we get Jeremy a trumpet, one of those trumpets?- Yes!
0:09:44 > 0:09:46I want to get back to his nose.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Why did they fit a brass one?
0:09:48 > 0:09:51- It's a talking point, isn't it? - They had chewing gum in those days.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54- How did they fit it? - There was an adhesive,
0:09:54 > 0:09:56but he is said to have had a green line on his face
0:09:56 > 0:09:58where the adhesive... And it's possible he also had
0:09:58 > 0:10:01a special gold or silver one for parties.
0:10:01 > 0:10:02He's an interesting guy.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04He was really concerned about the look of things,
0:10:04 > 0:10:08and it is possible that he died from extremely good manners.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11So 1601, he was at a banquet, and it wasn't the thing,
0:10:11 > 0:10:15when you are at a banquet, to excuse yourself to go and wee.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18And he may or may not have died of a burst bladder.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Or maybe he was doing coke?
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Again...
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Which would probably be really tricky with a brass nose.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28- Yeah. - I think I'd have denim.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31LAUGHTER
0:10:31 > 0:10:32Or gingham for parties.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34LAUGHTER
0:10:34 > 0:10:37Like kitchen curtains. There's a hole!
0:10:37 > 0:10:39LAUGHTER
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Or you'd have a miniature sword...
0:10:41 > 0:10:43LAUGHTER
0:10:47 > 0:10:49"Look, madam, look at my rapier!"
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Terrible if you're trying to get off with someone.
0:10:52 > 0:10:53"Oh, sorry!"
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Unless they'd lost their nose as well, and they had a little shield.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02That's how you'd know you were made for each other.
0:11:02 > 0:11:03Literally, been made for each other.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Duelling scars were so valued that people sometimes inflicted them
0:11:08 > 0:11:12on themselves, or they would stuff horsehair into the wound,
0:11:12 > 0:11:15pour red wine onto it, they wanted it to be as prominent as possible.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19And having a manly scar was once thought to make one
0:11:19 > 0:11:21good marriage material.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23So would you be more or less likely to go out with somebody,
0:11:23 > 0:11:27- Sara, who had a scar? Particularly on the face.- I'm not scarrist.- No.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30I mean, I would like to say I'm not that shallow at all
0:11:30 > 0:11:33- and I go for personality. - Yeah, but...
0:11:33 > 0:11:36But, love a man with a scar.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Well, there's been recent research on this which is really interesting
0:11:39 > 0:11:42- which suggest that women do indeed favour men with scars.- Do they?
0:11:42 > 0:11:45But for short-term relationships.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Oh, yeah, women tend to change their tastes when they're ovulating.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49- Do you know about these studies?- No.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52And they think it comes from our multi-partnering history where
0:11:52 > 0:11:55essentially we pair up with guys who would make, if we're straight,
0:11:55 > 0:11:58good fathers, but when we're ovulating,
0:11:58 > 0:12:00we fancy something a big bigger and rougher.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02- The one with the scar.- Yeah.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04It depends how we got the scar, really.
0:12:04 > 0:12:09My scar is from a clutch pedal going through my leg on a lorry.
0:12:09 > 0:12:10But that's not interesting...
0:12:10 > 0:12:12# Sexy! #
0:12:14 > 0:12:16This is why we've sat you two far apart.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21I don't go around saying, "No, this scar was from saving
0:12:21 > 0:12:23"a school bus full of children and a tiger came."
0:12:23 > 0:12:25That would be quite good. That's a good scar.
0:12:25 > 0:12:26But, "I had an accident in a lorry
0:12:26 > 0:12:29"and the clutch pedal went through my leg" is dreary, don't you think?
0:12:29 > 0:12:32You say that but I'm actually ovulating at the moment
0:12:32 > 0:12:33and I find it...
0:12:33 > 0:12:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Anybody think women did duelling, or just a boy's thing?
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Have you been to the Bigg Market in Newcastle on a Saturday night?
0:12:46 > 0:12:49I hope that women did do duelling as well.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Yeah, they did. It was called petticoat duels
0:12:52 > 0:12:54and possibly the most famous...
0:12:54 > 0:12:57ALAN MIMICS GUNSHOT
0:12:57 > 0:12:59LAUGHTER
0:13:02 > 0:13:04A kind of a snatch-and-grab!
0:13:04 > 0:13:06LAUGHTER
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Never thought of hiding a pistol there.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13So the most famous one, 1892 in Austria,
0:13:13 > 0:13:16it was a topless duel...
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Oh, that's brilliant! Channel 5, where are you?
0:13:18 > 0:13:21LAUGHTER
0:13:21 > 0:13:24..between Princess Metternich and Countess Kielmannsegg
0:13:24 > 0:13:27and what I love about it, it's said to have been caused by
0:13:27 > 0:13:29a disagreement over a flower arrangement.
0:13:29 > 0:13:30Any excuse.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33That sounds like, "Yeah, well, I don't like the flowers,
0:13:33 > 0:13:35"so get your top off!"
0:13:35 > 0:13:38LAUGHTER
0:13:38 > 0:13:40I'll duel you!
0:13:40 > 0:13:44Apparently both the women were worried that if they were wounded
0:13:44 > 0:13:47and some fabric got into the wound it would get infected.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50It's the very first emancipated duel, in that every single person
0:13:50 > 0:13:53who took part, all the seconds, the two duellers
0:13:53 > 0:13:55and indeed the medic, were all women.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57It's hard to say who won.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59The Princess, she was injured first, on the nose,
0:13:59 > 0:14:01so the Countess got first blood, as it were.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03But she was then injured on the arm which is a better wound.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06So there's points for where you cut the person, then?
0:14:06 > 0:14:08- Who does better.- OK.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10As long as you come out with both your nipples
0:14:10 > 0:14:12I'm sure you'll be all right.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Oh!
0:14:14 > 0:14:16LAUGHTER
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Milk everywhere.
0:14:21 > 0:14:22AUDIENCE GROANS
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Boobs aren't full of milk!
0:14:25 > 0:14:27That's not why we have...
0:14:27 > 0:14:30Do you suppose that there's milk all the time?
0:14:31 > 0:14:33We've got a baby in the house, there's milk everywhere.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Boobs are sometimes full of milk.
0:14:39 > 0:14:40Possibly not those four.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Perhaps they weren't at the time of the duel.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45LAUGHTER
0:14:47 > 0:14:49"Stop it!"
0:14:49 > 0:14:51"Stop it!"
0:14:53 > 0:14:56"You are perforated."
0:14:57 > 0:15:00I often wonder how we get to where we do.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02LAUGHTER
0:15:02 > 0:15:05The rule for German businessmen is, "You scratch my cheek
0:15:05 > 0:15:10"and I'll scratch yours." How can you tell a nob from a yob?
0:15:10 > 0:15:12So we were talking about PO pourri and POT pourri.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16How would you know your upper-class from your not so upper-class?
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Would they say he's a YOBE?
0:15:18 > 0:15:21A NOBE and a YOBE.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23It is absolutely to do with what you say.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26So in 1954 there was a linguistics professor at Aston University
0:15:26 > 0:15:30in Birmingham called Alan Ross. And he devised the terms
0:15:30 > 0:15:33U and non-U to distinguish speech patterns
0:15:33 > 0:15:36of the English upper classes and what they, unfortunately, called
0:15:36 > 0:15:37the lower social strata.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40The following year, Nancy Mitford, the extraordinary...
0:15:40 > 0:15:42one of the Mitford sisters - there she is on the right there
0:15:42 > 0:15:44with her sisters Unity and Diana -
0:15:44 > 0:15:47she picked this up in an essay and she said that, nowadays,
0:15:47 > 0:15:50you couldn't tell the upper classes, cos they were no longer
0:15:50 > 0:15:52cleaner, richer or better-educated than anybody else.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54It was principally by language,
0:15:54 > 0:15:57and this caused tremendous anxiety in the middle-classes.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00So the question is, would you use loo paper or toilet paper?
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Bog roll!
0:16:02 > 0:16:04LAUGHTER
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Do you know, it really is an interesting question.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09I was away last week, I was Namibia, and I went up to the man,
0:16:09 > 0:16:12cos we were camping. I said, "Have you got any bog roll?"
0:16:12 > 0:16:15And he went, "What?" Like, it obviously doesn't work in Namibia.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18And I was actually flummoxed, thinking, "Now, what do I say?"
0:16:18 > 0:16:20What did you do, did you mime?
0:16:20 > 0:16:22- Yes, I did.- Did you?
0:16:22 > 0:16:23Rather than say loo roll.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Which is just... I know.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27LAUGHTER
0:16:28 > 0:16:31That's the whole thing with powder rooms, wasn't it,
0:16:31 > 0:16:34so women never had to say where's the bathroom or the toilet.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36The best I heard from that, I had a girlfriend years ago,
0:16:36 > 0:16:38went to see a very posh friend of mine.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41And his mother, when she got there, this girlfriend of mine, said,
0:16:41 > 0:16:43"Would you like to look in a mirror?"
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Which means would you like to go and have a piss. But...
0:16:46 > 0:16:49- What?- It can mean "Do you want a line of coke?"
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Depends what party you're at.
0:16:55 > 0:16:59- Here's an interesting fact about wiping your bum.- Yes.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02I worked this out on the last tour of mine, right.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Half the population, right, when they're wiping their bottom,
0:17:05 > 0:17:09they stand up, a hand goes back and they wipe, right.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12And the other half, they stay sat down and reach in and have a wipe.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16And the weirdest thing is one half, until I just said it now,
0:17:16 > 0:17:19didn't even know the other half existed.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22- How did you get inspired to start this survey?- Yeah.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25How did you know about the other people?
0:17:25 > 0:17:26I think I just walked in on someone.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28LAUGHTER
0:17:28 > 0:17:30I was like, "What are you doing?"
0:17:30 > 0:17:32"This is how you wipe your bum." I went, "It isn't, watch this."
0:17:32 > 0:17:34LAUGHTER
0:17:34 > 0:17:38So this is a survey based on two people?
0:17:38 > 0:17:39LAUGHTER
0:17:39 > 0:17:42- I started mentioning it on tour. - Oh, started mentioning it...
0:17:42 > 0:17:45- And I noticed that... We'll do it now.- OK.- Right.
0:17:45 > 0:17:46LAUGHTER
0:17:46 > 0:17:49If you stand up after you've finished and wipe your bottom...
0:17:49 > 0:17:52- Yeah.- ..give me a cheer.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:17:54 > 0:17:56If you stay sat down and reach in and wipe your bottom,
0:17:56 > 0:17:58- give us a cheer. - AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:17:58 > 0:18:0150-50. It's weird! It's weird!
0:18:01 > 0:18:03APPLAUSE
0:18:06 > 0:18:08I didn't think it is 50-50.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11I thought the ones who sit down were a slightly camper noise.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13LAUGHTER
0:18:13 > 0:18:15When you go to a festival or any outdoor event,
0:18:15 > 0:18:19what is it that causes somebody to sit down on the lavatory
0:18:19 > 0:18:23and then completely mess up all the rest of it?
0:18:23 > 0:18:25"What shall I do with that? I'll throw it on the floor.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28"Then I'll completely unravel all the rest of the bog and then,
0:18:28 > 0:18:32"somehow, get all that blue stuff all over the seat."
0:18:32 > 0:18:35You think, do you do that at home? I mean, how...?
0:18:35 > 0:18:37LSD! They're on LSD.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Ah!
0:18:40 > 0:18:41LAUGHTER
0:18:49 > 0:18:51APPLAUSE
0:18:51 > 0:18:54I'm in a blue box!
0:18:54 > 0:18:55I'm more suspicious.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59I think they might have known that you were behind them in the queue.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01LAUGHTER
0:19:01 > 0:19:03It's every one of them! Every single one you ever go.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05They can't all imagine I'm in there.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Although somebody did once push one of those things over
0:19:07 > 0:19:10when I was in it. Yes, they did know it was me.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12- Did they?- At least you can stand up.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15For women it's really difficult because you sort of have to hover.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17And I remember one time I went to the ladies,
0:19:17 > 0:19:19and the lock didn't quite work. This is a very tricky
0:19:19 > 0:19:22moment for a woman, because you have to sort of hover...
0:19:22 > 0:19:23LAUGHTER
0:19:23 > 0:19:26And I...so obsessed with not making a mess on the seat, I thought,
0:19:26 > 0:19:28"Oh, sod it, I'll just sit down." And as I sat down
0:19:28 > 0:19:31the door burst open and a woman came straight in
0:19:31 > 0:19:33and she went, "Oh, I'm so sorry." And then she shut the door again.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35And then she burst it open again
0:19:35 > 0:19:37and she went, "You're Sandi Toksvig. Can I...?"
0:19:37 > 0:19:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:42 > 0:19:44"Give us a minute!"
0:19:45 > 0:19:49Let's find out which side of the tracks you were born on.
0:19:49 > 0:19:50Let's play Posh Or Becks.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53SWINGING JAZZ-STYLE JINGLE
0:19:54 > 0:19:57Are you going to be Posh or are you going to be Becks? OK.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Question, you get a bit squiffy at a do,
0:20:00 > 0:20:02what's the one thing you shouldn't do?
0:20:02 > 0:20:06Don't mention your allegiance to the Nazis.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08It depends which sister you're out with, really.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13Is it anything to do with being ill?
0:20:13 > 0:20:17- No, it's to do with being argumentative.- Oh, don't...
0:20:17 > 0:20:18So, don't have an argument.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21What Nancy said was, "When drunk, gentlemen often become amorous,
0:20:21 > 0:20:25"or maudlin or vomit in public but they never become truculent."
0:20:25 > 0:20:29So when you're drunk, next time, think, "I'm not doing truculent.
0:20:29 > 0:20:30"Truculent is not happening."
0:20:32 > 0:20:33So, tell me what you can see here
0:20:33 > 0:20:35and make sure you watch your Ps and Qs.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38So, let's start on the left, what do you see?
0:20:38 > 0:20:41- Tutu.- It's not to do with the clothing, it's to do with the...
0:20:41 > 0:20:44- Ballerina.- There are boys and there are...- Girls.- Girls.
0:20:44 > 0:20:50So, if you are posh, you pronounce girl to rhyme with hell. "Gehl."
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Or Hal, "gal." Not to rhyme with curl, not girl.
0:20:53 > 0:20:54That's a Bridgestone tyre,
0:20:54 > 0:20:56that's probably not relevant, though, is it?
0:20:56 > 0:20:58LAUGHTER
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Nothing wrong with your eyes, Jeremy.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07So, what's the next one, next to the gal, what's the next one?
0:21:07 > 0:21:09- That would be a golf ball.- It's a "gof" ball, though.- Absolutely.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11I don't want to be technical as well
0:21:11 > 0:21:13but golf balls aren't usually that big.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17No, it's really more for the purposes of illustration.
0:21:17 > 0:21:18It depends where you're stood.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22If you're stood down the fairway, it probably does look that big.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26- It is without the L if you are posh.- Gof?- Gof ball.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Well, they're saying it wrong!
0:21:28 > 0:21:32I mean, that's not posh and common, that's right and wrong.
0:21:33 > 0:21:34It has got an L in it.
0:21:34 > 0:21:38I heard somebody refer the other day to the Alps as the "Awps".
0:21:38 > 0:21:40The poshest person I've ever heard.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42What about the next one, what about the Bridgestone?
0:21:42 > 0:21:44- A "tahr".- Tahr.- Tahr.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Tahr, yeah. And the next one?
0:21:46 > 0:21:50"Larn." Larn. To rhyme with barn.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52You have to say these things
0:21:52 > 0:21:54as if you have got a "gof" ball in your mouth.
0:21:55 > 0:21:59Anyway, what's so darn shocking about this map?
0:21:59 > 0:22:02- Is "darn" important? - Darn is very important, yeah.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05- So it's something to do with knitting?- No, not that kind of darn.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08In the United States what might darn be for?
0:22:08 > 0:22:10- Darn!- Darn!- People who say "darn"?
0:22:10 > 0:22:14Yes, people who say "darn". It's a euphemism for "damn" from 1781.
0:22:14 > 0:22:18And this is its Gi-z score.
0:22:18 > 0:22:19OK.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22LAUGHTER
0:22:22 > 0:22:24It's statistics, people.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26LAUGHTER
0:22:26 > 0:22:29There was an analysis done of nine billion words in...
0:22:29 > 0:22:33- Nine billion... - ..in America.- ..ejaculations!
0:22:33 > 0:22:34LAUGHTER
0:22:34 > 0:22:37Blue's bad, but orange is really bad!
0:22:37 > 0:22:38LAUGHTER
0:22:40 > 0:22:43Nine billion words in American tweets and then they geocoded them,
0:22:43 > 0:22:46so they analysed where they are, pinpointing it on a map.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48And then they displayed them as heat maps.
0:22:48 > 0:22:49So this is "darn".
0:22:49 > 0:22:53And if you look at the more the word is used, the darker the red colour.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56And the less it's used, the darker the blue.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58So it shows that darn is used very heavily
0:22:58 > 0:23:01in the northern-central states, well, in tweets, at the least.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03- Is that Kansas right in the middle? - Yes.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07Oklahoma's the one with the sticky-out side bit.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09- Yes, you've totally got the hang of America.- I know some of these.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Utah. I'm quite good at these.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14We don't know where you're pointing!
0:23:16 > 0:23:20New York, California, Florida. Got them all, got them all.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22The genius Joan Rivers said that
0:23:22 > 0:23:26intelligence was something to do with proximity to water.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28She said, "If you look at the United States,
0:23:28 > 0:23:30"you get a lot of clever people on the coast,
0:23:30 > 0:23:33"and then it goes clever, dumber, dumber, dumber,
0:23:33 > 0:23:35"Kansas."
0:23:35 > 0:23:37LAUGHTER
0:23:37 > 0:23:38So have a look at this one.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41What word do you think this map represents?
0:23:41 > 0:23:44It's another American swearword.
0:23:44 > 0:23:45"Golly".
0:23:45 > 0:23:47You're close, it's "gosh".
0:23:47 > 0:23:50- Gosh.- Gosh.- Gosh darn!
0:23:50 > 0:23:52So heavily used around Texas -
0:23:52 > 0:23:54you can see where the red is and hardly at all up in New England.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56They don't use "gosh" very much.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59- I like these ones.- Is this words that people use when they jizz?
0:23:59 > 0:24:02Is that what it is?
0:24:02 > 0:24:03- LAUGHTER - "Gosh!"
0:24:03 > 0:24:07LAUGHTER
0:24:07 > 0:24:08"Gosh darn it!
0:24:08 > 0:24:10"I'm sorry, Miss Ellen."
0:24:12 > 0:24:14This show's changing, isn't it?
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Yeah. And I'm just trying to wrestle it back.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18So have a look at this one.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Very heavily used in New England,
0:24:20 > 0:24:22hardly used in the south-east at all.
0:24:22 > 0:24:23- Goddamn!- It's "asshole"!
0:24:23 > 0:24:25- Asshole.- Asshole. Of course.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27- That and... - Do they not use it, then?
0:24:27 > 0:24:30- They don't say "asshole" in Arkansas?- Georgia.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32- Or the Carolinas? - Not used in Florida.
0:24:32 > 0:24:37- It's not used in Montana, cos there's nobody there.- That's true.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40It's not often you see a map of the Gi-z score for "asshole", is it?
0:24:40 > 0:24:42LAUGHTER
0:24:42 > 0:24:43Not now Stephen's gone.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46LAUGHTER
0:24:48 > 0:24:49So here's the question.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53Do you think that people who swear a lot are more articulate
0:24:53 > 0:24:55or less articulate?
0:24:55 > 0:24:56- More.- Why?
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Cos they've got more words.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00That's exactly right. No, it's exactly right.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Like "wank" and "bloody", and things like that.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04People who don't swear haven't got those words.
0:25:04 > 0:25:05You were doing so well,
0:25:05 > 0:25:08and now you're hardly going to appear in the programme at all.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:11 > 0:25:14- It's just going to be you going, "What?"- What?
0:25:14 > 0:25:18It's since I started wearing cardigans my ears have gone wrong.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20- Is that what it is?- Yeah.- I think you're putting them on wrong.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22LAUGHTER
0:25:24 > 0:25:26No, there's a swearing fluency test,
0:25:26 > 0:25:28and if you do the test and you ask people to write down how many
0:25:28 > 0:25:30swear words they can think of in two minutes,
0:25:30 > 0:25:33the people who will succeed best are the people who are the most
0:25:33 > 0:25:36articulate, although it depends what language you speak, so Japanese,
0:25:36 > 0:25:38very, very few swear words.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Dutch bargees, they can swear uninterrupted, most of them,
0:25:41 > 0:25:43for two minutes without repetition or hesitation.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46- Can they really?- Yeah. Dutch is really good.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49- They've got, what's that word, "Swaffelen".- What does it mean?
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Well, you certainly couldn't say it on Dutch television.
0:25:52 > 0:25:57It means to bang your penis against the Taj Mahal.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59LAUGHTER
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Who amongst us hasn't had that urge?
0:26:08 > 0:26:09Jeremy, when I finish this show,
0:26:09 > 0:26:12if I get into trouble for googling that, I'm coming after you.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15LAUGHTER
0:26:15 > 0:26:19- How many swear words roughly do you think we have in English?- 200.- 48.
0:26:19 > 0:26:23- I'd say 107.- Yeah, but you invented about half of them.
0:26:23 > 0:26:27- Borrowed from the Dutch.- Alan's the closest, actually only about 20.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29It is actually not as many as you'd think.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32The people who had the most swear words were the Romans.
0:26:32 > 0:26:36They had about 800. So if you compare that to our 20...
0:26:36 > 0:26:37We're doing all right.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40We use swear words between 0.3 and 0.7% of the time.
0:26:40 > 0:26:41Actually, it's not all that common.
0:26:41 > 0:26:46- I think Jeremy's listing swear words.- I'm way past 20.- Are you?
0:26:46 > 0:26:49- JASON:- Press the red button now to see what they all are.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:55 > 0:26:59Can you make sure that for the next recording, this book's thrown away?
0:26:59 > 0:27:02It's just that anyone who opens it up is going to be
0:27:02 > 0:27:04a bit surprised by what I've written down there.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06You could just sign it, Jeremy,
0:27:06 > 0:27:08and then nobody would be the least bit surprised.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:13 > 0:27:14Anyway. Moving on.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17What can't you have knobs on in Canada?
0:27:17 > 0:27:19- Furniture.- Sort of.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21It's against the law in some places.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24Isn't everything against the law in Canada, really?
0:27:24 > 0:27:28They're very polite, Canadians, they're like America with manners.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31They are incredibly nice and Vancouver always wins the best place
0:27:31 > 0:27:34in the world to live, because nothing ever happens there.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36- OK, so it is Vancouver that we need to be in.- Oh.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38And it was a law passed in 2014.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40- Doorknobs.- Doorknobs, yes.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43You cannot have doorknobs at all in Vancouver.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46- Are they trapped inside? - They can't get out.
0:27:46 > 0:27:47LAUGHTER
0:27:47 > 0:27:51Has anyone heard from anyone from Vancouver in the last year?
0:27:51 > 0:27:53"It's the best place to live in the world,
0:27:53 > 0:27:55"we won't let you out again!"
0:27:55 > 0:27:57No new buildings, domestic or commercial, is allowed to have
0:27:57 > 0:28:00doorknobs on them. They can only have levers. Why might that be?
0:28:00 > 0:28:03Is it when it gets caught in your pocket as you wander past?
0:28:03 > 0:28:04Really annoying, isn't it?
0:28:04 > 0:28:07No, it's to do with the elderly and the infirm.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09- They can't turn the knobs. - Arthritic hands.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12Yes! The idea is to make all buildings work for everybody,
0:28:12 > 0:28:14so that you don't have doorknobs any more.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16Anyway, a year before the ban was introduced
0:28:16 > 0:28:19there was a pro-knob lobby.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24Who were up in arms about the incursions of the nanny state.
0:28:24 > 0:28:29And the president of the Antique Doorknob Collectors Of America,
0:28:29 > 0:28:31Allen Joslyn, said, "To say that when I build my private home
0:28:31 > 0:28:34"and nobody is disabled, that I have to put levers on
0:28:34 > 0:28:36"strikes me as overreach."
0:28:36 > 0:28:38And they do have one rather telling objection,
0:28:38 > 0:28:41because the advantage of door levers is not restricted to
0:28:41 > 0:28:44the old and the infirm. So, operating a doorknob requires
0:28:44 > 0:28:48- pronation and supination of the wrist.- Yeah, a dog can get in.
0:28:48 > 0:28:49That's the point.
0:28:49 > 0:28:52To be fair, that dog deserves to be able to open a door.
0:28:52 > 0:28:53Yeah, that's true.
0:28:53 > 0:28:56- If that's skills he's got. - But they prefer levers to knobs
0:28:56 > 0:28:58because if you haven't got an opposable thumb
0:28:58 > 0:28:59you can't possibly work it.
0:28:59 > 0:29:02However, there is a county in Colorado, Pitkin County,
0:29:02 > 0:29:05which has gone the opposite way to Vancouver and banned all levers.
0:29:05 > 0:29:08You can only have doorknobs. Why might that be?
0:29:08 > 0:29:10- Bears.- Absolutely right. It is bears.
0:29:10 > 0:29:13Look at them. "We can't get in, what are we going to do?"
0:29:13 > 0:29:16"I'll pick you up. You go through the window."
0:29:16 > 0:29:19LAUGHTER
0:29:19 > 0:29:22If you want to keep bears and old people out of your house,
0:29:22 > 0:29:26hang on to your doorknobs. And now to one of nature's aristocrats.
0:29:26 > 0:29:31- Alan, would you say you were nice and natural?- Yes.
0:29:31 > 0:29:33KLAXON
0:29:34 > 0:29:37Oh, you're doing yourself down, that's the trouble.
0:29:37 > 0:29:40Oh, I'm not nice or natural? Look at that idiot.
0:29:40 > 0:29:43So, the word nice has completely reversed its meaning.
0:29:43 > 0:29:46It used to be an insult, it's the nasty thing you'd say to somebody.
0:29:46 > 0:29:48Yeah, it's derived from the Latin for ignorant
0:29:48 > 0:29:50and it originally meant foolish or silly,
0:29:50 > 0:29:52and up until the 17th century
0:29:52 > 0:29:55to call somebody nice was always critical and negative.
0:29:55 > 0:29:56It could also mean wanton.
0:29:56 > 0:29:59And then in 17th, 18th century, you begin to get
0:29:59 > 0:30:01the modern sense of the word as being a nice thing.
0:30:01 > 0:30:05- They started to appreciate wanton people a bit more.- Exactly.
0:30:05 > 0:30:06"She's nice."
0:30:06 > 0:30:08- "Oh, thanks."- Yes, she is.
0:30:08 > 0:30:11And an earlier meaning of a natural was a born fool or idiot.
0:30:11 > 0:30:13That's our family at Christmas.
0:30:13 > 0:30:17LAUGHTER
0:30:19 > 0:30:21So, there used to be a natural idiot or a natural fool,
0:30:21 > 0:30:23that used to be the thing.
0:30:23 > 0:30:25Now a natural is a person who is naturally talented,
0:30:25 > 0:30:28- you say, he's a natural at doing something.- The natural.
0:30:28 > 0:30:31- Anybody remember the term "The necessary?"- Lavatorial, wasn't it?
0:30:31 > 0:30:33Yes, so a necessary woman was a lavatory attendant,
0:30:33 > 0:30:35- somebody who worked in the loo. - Oh, really?
0:30:35 > 0:30:38But there seems to be a tendency for words meaning fool
0:30:38 > 0:30:40to start with an N.
0:30:40 > 0:30:43Have a look at this list of words and see if you can spot
0:30:43 > 0:30:45whether any of them don't mean fool.
0:30:45 > 0:30:48Numpty, nincompoop. Noddy.
0:30:48 > 0:30:50- They're great, aren't they? - Ninny-whoop, I like that one.
0:30:50 > 0:30:52- Which one did you say not?- Noddy.
0:30:52 > 0:30:56No, there's only one that doesn't meaning fool. What did you say?
0:30:56 > 0:30:59- Ning-nang.- Ning-nang, it was a useless racehorse.
0:30:59 > 0:31:01Gosh darn ning-nang!
0:31:01 > 0:31:02Goddamn ning-nang!
0:31:02 > 0:31:06In the old days, nice and natural meant stupid, twice over.
0:31:06 > 0:31:09What should have won a Nobel Prize but didn't?
0:31:09 > 0:31:12Oh. Rosalind Franklin.
0:31:12 > 0:31:15- Ah, well, people do say that because of DNA.- Yes.
0:31:15 > 0:31:17In fact the absolute case of it is that
0:31:17 > 0:31:19they never awarded them posthumously
0:31:19 > 0:31:22- and she had already passed away. - She'd already died.
0:31:22 > 0:31:25But it's somebody unbelievably famous, a scientific discovery.
0:31:25 > 0:31:28- Einstein.- General relativity. - It is absolutely Einstein
0:31:28 > 0:31:33- and it's the theory of?- Relativity. - The theory of relativity is right.
0:31:33 > 0:31:34- APPLAUSE - She said that.
0:31:34 > 0:31:36Did you say it? I didn't hear, I apologise.
0:31:36 > 0:31:38Deafness is a cruel mistress.
0:31:41 > 0:31:42He did win the physics prize
0:31:42 > 0:31:45but it was for his work on the photoelectric effect.
0:31:45 > 0:31:46He just didn't get the one for...
0:31:46 > 0:31:49He won the prize for rubbing balloons on your head
0:31:49 > 0:31:50and sticking them to the ceiling.
0:31:50 > 0:31:54So, Einstein was nominated every year for a decade
0:31:54 > 0:31:56- for his work on relativity. - Oh, wow.
0:31:56 > 0:31:59- He's like the Leonardo DiCaprio of his day.- Yeah.
0:31:59 > 0:32:02And he really needed to win because he had promised the prize money
0:32:02 > 0:32:05as part of the divorce settlement to his wife.
0:32:05 > 0:32:07That's a brilliant one to tell the lawyers.
0:32:07 > 0:32:10"I'm going to win the Nobel Prize, I'll be all right."
0:32:10 > 0:32:12- Quite confident. - But because there was
0:32:12 > 0:32:15no experimental confirmation of his theory,
0:32:15 > 0:32:18and also because there's, possibly there was an anti-Semitic faction,
0:32:18 > 0:32:20they just excluded him every single year.
0:32:20 > 0:32:23Then in 1919, a man called Arthur Eddington
0:32:23 > 0:32:26measured the defection of light during a solar eclipse
0:32:26 > 0:32:29and he proved what Einstein had been saying four years earlier.
0:32:29 > 0:32:33And even so, they cast Eddington's measurements into doubt
0:32:33 > 0:32:36and then they gave him the physics prize for something different,
0:32:36 > 0:32:39they just didn't want to give it to him for the theory of relativity.
0:32:39 > 0:32:43Anyway, what's great is that when news of Eddington's experiment broke,
0:32:43 > 0:32:48the New York Times sent their only reporter in London to meet him.
0:32:48 > 0:32:52It was a man called Henry Crouch and he was their golf correspondent.
0:32:53 > 0:32:58And he hadn't the faintest idea what Eddington was talking about.
0:32:58 > 0:33:02So he filed the most classic bit of hope-for-the-best journalese.
0:33:02 > 0:33:05He wrote, "Lights all askew in the heavens,
0:33:05 > 0:33:07"men of science more or less agog
0:33:07 > 0:33:10"over results of eclipse observations.
0:33:10 > 0:33:13"Einstein theory triumphs, stars not where they seemed
0:33:13 > 0:33:16"or were calculated to be but nobody need worry."
0:33:16 > 0:33:19LAUGHTER
0:33:19 > 0:33:21Very good.
0:33:21 > 0:33:24- That was very lively journalism for the period.- It was great, wasn't it?
0:33:24 > 0:33:28- From a golf correspondent.- Very good journalism.- It is wonderful.
0:33:28 > 0:33:30The theory of relativity never got a Nobel Prize
0:33:30 > 0:33:32because it was only a theory.
0:33:32 > 0:33:34What did the royal families of Europe
0:33:34 > 0:33:37wear under their uniforms during the 19th century?
0:33:37 > 0:33:39Pot pourri.
0:33:39 > 0:33:41They were naked.
0:33:41 > 0:33:44No! KLAXON
0:33:44 > 0:33:46They had rather fine underwear.
0:33:46 > 0:33:50- Armour.- What was the question? I've forgotten this one as well.
0:33:50 > 0:33:53What did royal families of Europe wear
0:33:53 > 0:33:57- under their uniforms during the 19th century?- Silk undies.
0:33:57 > 0:34:00It's closer to the skin even than your underwear.
0:34:00 > 0:34:02Lice.
0:34:02 > 0:34:05LAUGHTER
0:34:05 > 0:34:07Just loads of lice moving around.
0:34:07 > 0:34:11That that's even a thought in your head is a worry.
0:34:11 > 0:34:13No. Decorative.
0:34:13 > 0:34:15- Tattoos.- Tattoos is exactly right.
0:34:15 > 0:34:17There was a craze for tattoos.
0:34:17 > 0:34:21According to the Harmsworth monthly pictorial magazine,
0:34:21 > 0:34:25the Grand Duke Alexei of Russia was most elaborately tattooed.
0:34:25 > 0:34:28And they were lots of them - Prince and Princess Valdemar of Denmark,
0:34:28 > 0:34:31Queen Olga of Greece, King Oscar of Sweden,
0:34:31 > 0:34:33the Grand Duke Konstantin
0:34:33 > 0:34:36and, in fact, also in the UK, King Edward VII,
0:34:36 > 0:34:37and his son George V.
0:34:37 > 0:34:41Edward VII had five crosses, which he had done on a visit to Jerusalem
0:34:41 > 0:34:44when he was the Prince of Wales, when he was 20.
0:34:44 > 0:34:46And then George, his son, had the same design done
0:34:46 > 0:34:48by the same artist 20 years later.
0:34:48 > 0:34:51And my favourite story features a random Scandinavian,
0:34:51 > 0:34:53a Randy Scandi of sorts,
0:34:53 > 0:34:57Napoleon's marshal, Jean-Baptiste Jules Bernadotte,
0:34:57 > 0:35:00he was a revolutionary firebrand, and he rose to become
0:35:00 > 0:35:03King of Sweden and Norway,
0:35:03 > 0:35:05and had turned against Napoleon.
0:35:05 > 0:35:08He reigned for 26 years after Bonaparte's deposition and
0:35:08 > 0:35:13while he was king he never allowed doctors to see his naked torso.
0:35:13 > 0:35:15And there is a reason, that became apparent after death,
0:35:15 > 0:35:18when he was found to have a tattoo from his revolutionary days
0:35:18 > 0:35:20that said, "Death to kings"!
0:35:20 > 0:35:23LAUGHTER
0:35:23 > 0:35:25And his heirs are the royal family of Sweden to this day.
0:35:25 > 0:35:28Wow. I mean, a lot of people do regret tattoos, don't they?
0:35:28 > 0:35:30Have you got any tattoos?
0:35:30 > 0:35:33I haven't, no, I've never really liked my body so much
0:35:33 > 0:35:35that I thought, "Oh, I'll decorate that."
0:35:35 > 0:35:38LAUGHTER
0:35:38 > 0:35:41But I did see a guy in our local pub once that had a tattoo here
0:35:41 > 0:35:43that said, "Sarah,"
0:35:43 > 0:35:47and then it was crossed out and then underneath it it said, "Chloe".
0:35:47 > 0:35:49Oh, I remember him.
0:35:52 > 0:35:55- All these regrets.- Damn you, Chloe!- Chloe can have him.
0:35:57 > 0:35:59Some people are very passionate vegans,
0:35:59 > 0:36:02and they get a tattoo about their veganism,
0:36:02 > 0:36:06and tattoos are made from burned animal bones.
0:36:06 > 0:36:08So themselves not vegan.
0:36:09 > 0:36:12So you can go in and say, "I'd like a vegan tattoo, please?"
0:36:12 > 0:36:16- Or go to a special... - No, please tell me there aren't vegan tattoo places.
0:36:16 > 0:36:19- There are, really?- Yes. - That's very funny.
0:36:20 > 0:36:24That's 1,200 words in the Sunday Times next week right there.
0:36:24 > 0:36:26LAUGHTER
0:36:30 > 0:36:34- All life is material, Jeremy. - It is basically, basically.
0:36:34 > 0:36:36Anyway, lots of kings have had tattoos,
0:36:36 > 0:36:39but we can't show you any for regal reasons!
0:36:39 > 0:36:41AUDIENCE GROANS
0:36:41 > 0:36:44- All right, that's enough! - Thank you.
0:36:44 > 0:36:46Now let's look at a noble gas.
0:36:46 > 0:36:48What gas is being used to light up this sign?
0:36:48 > 0:36:50It's neon, Sandi.
0:36:50 > 0:36:52LARGE BELL CHIMES
0:36:52 > 0:36:54KLAXON
0:36:57 > 0:36:59- Well, now, hang on a minute. - What were you going to say?
0:36:59 > 0:37:01- I was actually going to say oxygen. - No.
0:37:01 > 0:37:04KLAXON
0:37:04 > 0:37:07I actually thought I was going to get through my first-ever QI
0:37:07 > 0:37:10- without one of those things. I blew it, that's it.- Sorry about that.
0:37:10 > 0:37:12- Anybody else? - I was going to say argon.
0:37:12 > 0:37:15- It is argon, you're absolutely right.- Yes!
0:37:15 > 0:37:18- APPLAUSE - Hey! Thank you.
0:37:18 > 0:37:21So, it depends on what colour you what, that's the thing,
0:37:21 > 0:37:22not all neon signs contain neon.
0:37:22 > 0:37:24Neon, of course, one of the noble gases,
0:37:24 > 0:37:27so called because they don't react with other elements.
0:37:27 > 0:37:30They rather hold themselves aloof from the other compounds.
0:37:30 > 0:37:32They do not become truculent
0:37:32 > 0:37:35no matter how much they've had to drink.
0:37:35 > 0:37:37And several of the noble gases are used in lighting.
0:37:37 > 0:37:39So if you wanted to use neon,
0:37:39 > 0:37:42that would give a very distinctive red light.
0:37:42 > 0:37:44There are other colours produced by other elements.
0:37:44 > 0:37:46Or you could just colour the glass of the tube,
0:37:46 > 0:37:49that's the other way, I suppose, you could manage to do this.
0:37:49 > 0:37:52Now we descend from the airy mansions of the nobility
0:37:52 > 0:37:54to the bleak basement that is general ignorance.
0:37:54 > 0:37:56Fingers on buzzers, please.
0:37:56 > 0:37:58What was this person's first name?
0:37:58 > 0:38:01- Victoria.- It is Queen Victoria...
0:38:01 > 0:38:03KLAXON
0:38:05 > 0:38:07- ..but it isn't her first name.- Oh!
0:38:07 > 0:38:10She was born on 24th May...
0:38:10 > 0:38:11Brian.
0:38:11 > 0:38:13LAUGHTER
0:38:13 > 0:38:14..and christened Brian.
0:38:16 > 0:38:18Could it be something, Gertrude or something German?
0:38:18 > 0:38:21It's Alexandrina.
0:38:21 > 0:38:24She was named both after her godfather, Alexander I of Russia,
0:38:24 > 0:38:27and her mother as well. When she was a child she was known as Drina...
0:38:27 > 0:38:29- Are you writing that down as well? - Yeah, it's nice.
0:38:29 > 0:38:32He's got swear words and you're writing down history, which I like.
0:38:32 > 0:38:34And when she became Queen, so 1837,
0:38:34 > 0:38:37in the official documents she is originally Alexandrina Victoria,
0:38:37 > 0:38:40and then she decided that she wanted her first name removed
0:38:40 > 0:38:42and never to be used again.
0:38:42 > 0:38:44But I think it was part of her wanting to be her own person,
0:38:44 > 0:38:46because her very first royal act, when she was 18,
0:38:46 > 0:38:48and she became queen,
0:38:48 > 0:38:50was to have her bed moved out of her mother's bedroom
0:38:50 > 0:38:52and to have her own bedroom.
0:38:52 > 0:38:54That is quite old to still be sleeping in your mum's room.
0:38:54 > 0:38:57- Especially if you're queen. - Fair play, I'm in charge now.
0:38:57 > 0:39:00It's weird when you get to know the nicknames that people have.
0:39:00 > 0:39:02So in 2000, Nancy Reagan published a collection of letters
0:39:02 > 0:39:06between herself and Ronnie, who was her husband for 52 years.
0:39:06 > 0:39:08And the pet names are just excruciating.
0:39:08 > 0:39:13Little Mommy, Your In-Love Gov, First Papa, Prexy,
0:39:13 > 0:39:15and my favourite, Mommy Poo-Pants.
0:39:15 > 0:39:18- Oh.- That was one of the later ones.
0:39:18 > 0:39:20LAUGHTER
0:39:21 > 0:39:25- I've got a little bit of sick in my mouth.- Have you?- A little bit.
0:39:25 > 0:39:29The Victorians were nearly the Drinians.
0:39:29 > 0:39:33Under the Emperor Diocletian, the Roman Empire had four capitals,
0:39:33 > 0:39:35please, name two of them.
0:39:35 > 0:39:37Constantinople?
0:39:37 > 0:39:39KLAXON
0:39:39 > 0:39:41No. Any more for any more?
0:39:41 > 0:39:42Not Constantinople.
0:39:42 > 0:39:44- Rome.- What had four capitals?
0:39:44 > 0:39:46KLAXON The Roman Empire.
0:39:46 > 0:39:49- London?- Not Rome, not London.
0:39:49 > 0:39:52Keep going, I don't think you're going to guess.
0:39:52 > 0:39:53Venice, Tripoli, Florence.
0:39:53 > 0:39:55Something Germania.
0:39:55 > 0:39:58When he came to power, so 284 AD,
0:39:58 > 0:40:00the Roman Empire, it was threatened to collapse
0:40:00 > 0:40:03and he did this brilliant thing. He decided to do a tetrarchy,
0:40:03 > 0:40:06and that is to be ruled by four emperors.
0:40:06 > 0:40:08And so he had four capitals.
0:40:08 > 0:40:12They were Nicomedia, which is in modern-day Turkey,
0:40:12 > 0:40:14Sirmium, in modern-day Serbia.
0:40:14 > 0:40:17Mediolanum, which is modern-day Milan.
0:40:17 > 0:40:20And Augusta Treverorum, modern-day Trier.
0:40:20 > 0:40:22And actually it worked so well
0:40:22 > 0:40:26that Diocletian was the very first emperor to be able to retire.
0:40:26 > 0:40:28He retired to the Dalmatian coast,
0:40:28 > 0:40:31so that's modern-day Croatia, and he grew vegetables.
0:40:31 > 0:40:33So that's the real moral about outsourcing.
0:40:33 > 0:40:35- Yes.- Don't get too stressed,
0:40:35 > 0:40:37- give other people your job and grow some vegetables.- Franchise!
0:40:37 > 0:40:39- JASON:- Just delegate, man. - Yeah.- Chill out.
0:40:39 > 0:40:44Now, which is the BBC's most popular television export?
0:40:44 > 0:40:46- Oh.- Oh.
0:40:48 > 0:40:50Doctor Who.
0:40:50 > 0:40:53KLAXON
0:40:53 > 0:40:56- I think I know this.- Doctor Who is the most popular drama.
0:40:56 > 0:40:59So the BBC's most popular export?
0:40:59 > 0:41:01Yes, the BBC's most popular television export.
0:41:01 > 0:41:02Television, not World...
0:41:02 > 0:41:04More than any other series in the last 40 years.
0:41:04 > 0:41:06It's not Keeping Up Appearances, is it?
0:41:06 > 0:41:10- It is absolutely Keeping Up Appearances.- Gasps of amazement!
0:41:10 > 0:41:15- Hyacinth Bucket?!- Yes, that gentle comedy of social snobbery.
0:41:15 > 0:41:18- How do you know that? - I just remember reading it.
0:41:18 > 0:41:20It's very popular in Scandinavia and Eastern Europe,
0:41:20 > 0:41:24in fact Denmark has just placed another order for the show,
0:41:24 > 0:41:26and it's subtitled, they also have dubbed versions.
0:41:26 > 0:41:28Do they like it because no-one dies?
0:41:28 > 0:41:31No-one gets murdered, it's so ground-breaking.
0:41:31 > 0:41:33It's very different to the Game of Thrones
0:41:33 > 0:41:34in that regard, it really is.
0:41:34 > 0:41:38Attenborough is very popular with monkeys because of his wooden cock.
0:41:38 > 0:41:41LAUGHTER
0:41:47 > 0:41:50I do my best to steer this show.
0:41:50 > 0:41:53Even then, even then you couldn't hear very well,
0:41:53 > 0:41:54look at you, you're going, "What?"
0:41:54 > 0:41:57The hair had been blown out of my ears.
0:41:57 > 0:42:01It also looks like Billie Piper's looking at it.
0:42:01 > 0:42:03"Doctor, what is it?"
0:42:03 > 0:42:04"It's Attenborough's wooden cock."
0:42:07 > 0:42:12All of which brings us to the scores.
0:42:12 > 0:42:14Well, a fantastic and outright winner,
0:42:14 > 0:42:16in first place with eight points,
0:42:16 > 0:42:18it's Jason!
0:42:18 > 0:42:20APPLAUSE
0:42:20 > 0:42:22You'd better check them!
0:42:22 > 0:42:24In second place with minus five,
0:42:24 > 0:42:25it's Jeremy.
0:42:25 > 0:42:27Thank you so much.
0:42:27 > 0:42:29- APPLAUSE - Thank you.
0:42:29 > 0:42:32In third place, minus 21, Sara.
0:42:32 > 0:42:35CHEERING
0:42:35 > 0:42:39And with a commendable minus 64...
0:42:39 > 0:42:40LAUGHTER
0:42:40 > 0:42:42Alan!
0:42:42 > 0:42:46APPLAUSE
0:42:51 > 0:42:54It only remains for me to thank Sara, Jason, Jeremy and Alan.
0:42:54 > 0:42:57And finally, in case you're feeling envious of the nobility,
0:42:57 > 0:42:59spare a thought for Lord Ivy.
0:42:59 > 0:43:02The head of the Guinness family in the 1980s
0:43:02 > 0:43:05was injured in a traffic accident in Dublin and taken to hospital.
0:43:05 > 0:43:09Under the Irish system, people earning more than £11,000 a year
0:43:09 > 0:43:12had to pay for their treatment, so when he arrived they asked him,
0:43:12 > 0:43:14"Do you earn £11,000?"
0:43:14 > 0:43:17To which he replied, "Some days I do, some days I don't."
0:43:17 > 0:43:19Toodle-pip!