0:00:22 > 0:00:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:33How very kind.
0:00:33 > 0:00:37How lovely. Thank you very much...
0:00:37 > 0:00:40and welcome to QI, where tonight,
0:00:40 > 0:00:42we are turning positively negative,
0:00:42 > 0:00:46in the "Not Nearly, Nearly Not, Neither and No" show.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49So let's meet our naysayers -
0:00:49 > 0:00:52the never-knowingly under-funny Gyles Brandreth.
0:00:52 > 0:00:56APPLAUSE
0:00:56 > 0:01:00And the nearly perfect Jimmy Carr. APPLAUSE
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Thanks very much!
0:01:05 > 0:01:09The not-half-bad Victoria Coren Mitchell.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12APPLAUSE
0:01:14 > 0:01:19And no, no, no, no, no...
0:01:19 > 0:01:20yes.
0:01:20 > 0:01:21It's Alan Davies!
0:01:21 > 0:01:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:28 > 0:01:32And why not hear their buzzers? Jimmy goes...
0:01:32 > 0:01:34# Na na na na, na na na na na
0:01:34 > 0:01:37# Na na na na na, na na na na na. #
0:01:37 > 0:01:39And Victoria goes...
0:01:39 > 0:01:41# No no # No-no, no no
0:01:41 > 0:01:43# No-no, no no
0:01:43 > 0:01:45# No no There's no limit. #
0:01:45 > 0:01:47And Gyles goes...
0:01:47 > 0:01:50# Na na na na na na na na na
0:01:50 > 0:01:53# Na na na na na na na na na. #
0:01:54 > 0:01:57You look like the games teacher at a school's disco.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01And Alan goes...
0:02:01 > 0:02:04# No, no, a thousand times no
0:02:04 > 0:02:06# I'd rather die than say yes. #
0:02:09 > 0:02:11I like yours best, actually. I thought that was very nice.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13And so to the first question,
0:02:13 > 0:02:17and it's important you don't listen un-carefully to this one.
0:02:17 > 0:02:21Alan, don't you not want some points or not?
0:02:25 > 0:02:27ALAN GROANS Gyles is writing it down.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Well, that's very difficult to say yes or no to!
0:02:30 > 0:02:33- What do you reckon? - There are three negatives.- Ah, yes.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37"Don't you not want some points or not?" "Do you not...?"
0:02:37 > 0:02:43- Do you not want some points...- Or not?- Do you not...?- Do you not...?
0:02:43 > 0:02:47- We also don't know whether he does or not.- Yes.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49"Don't you not want some points, or not?"
0:02:49 > 0:02:52- Do NOT not want points... - So, here's the thing...
0:02:52 > 0:02:57- It's true to say that I do not NOT want points.- Yes.- Or not?
0:02:57 > 0:02:59So "or not" would mean that you...do.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02- "Do you want points or not?" - Yes, but...
0:03:02 > 0:03:03- The answer is...- Is...
0:03:04 > 0:03:07LAUGHTER
0:03:07 > 0:03:11- Well, it's two questions!- No, it's just one question with one answer.
0:03:11 > 0:03:12But I'll just tell you now -
0:03:12 > 0:03:15one answer has a klaxon, and one doesn't. There.
0:03:17 > 0:03:21- Do you think I'm giving too much away here?- Can we help him?
0:03:21 > 0:03:23The show's nearly over. I'm filibustering.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26- Gyles, Gyles.- Sometimes with these really taxing questions,
0:03:26 > 0:03:29- the thing to do is to translate them into another language.- OK.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32- Because that makes it simpler. - Oh, right.- Because, as we know,
0:03:32 > 0:03:34- you asked the question in English.- I did, yes.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37English - there are 500,000 words in the Oxford English Dictionary,
0:03:37 > 0:03:38it is the largest language in the world.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41- Well, there's more than a million now, in fact.- Ah, well, indeed,
0:03:41 > 0:03:44including all the words you've introduced since the series began.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46- Perfectly true. - In my edition - 500,000 words.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49The German language only has about 150,000 words,
0:03:49 > 0:03:51- and the French have fewer than 100,000 words.- Yes.- OK?
0:03:51 > 0:03:54- Including "le weekend".- Yes. ALAN BUZZES
0:03:54 > 0:03:58- Oh, yes? Have you thought about it?- Yes.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Yes is the right answer!
0:04:00 > 0:04:03APPLAUSE
0:04:09 > 0:04:11- Yes?- Yes isn't the right answer.- Oh!
0:04:11 > 0:04:14- It's not a yes/no question. - No, that's what I thought.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16But, fundamentally, yes is better than no.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18- In your life, maybe. - Yes, I was enjoying Gyles'...
0:04:18 > 0:04:21But, curiously, the answer would have been different...
0:04:21 > 0:04:23I didn't mean I would come back to it.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29- I wasn't enjoying it that much.- But interestingly, the answer in French
0:04:29 > 0:04:31would have been yes.
0:04:31 > 0:04:32Oh, no - no!
0:04:32 > 0:04:35In French you could have said, "I don't know,"
0:04:35 > 0:04:38which is "je ne sais pas", which is a double negative.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42Ah. Or... But if you translate it... What did you originally say?
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Is it too early to lose the will to live?
0:04:48 > 0:04:50I'm extremely concerned, Sandi, that you,
0:04:50 > 0:04:52a role model for women everywhere,
0:04:52 > 0:04:54should, in fleshing out the double negative,
0:04:54 > 0:04:57come out with the statement, "Broadly, yes is better than no"!
0:04:57 > 0:04:59That's not what I'll be telling my daughter!
0:05:01 > 0:05:03APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
0:05:07 > 0:05:09There's a lot of these in pop, aren't there?
0:05:09 > 0:05:10A lot of these in pop and rock lyrics.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13- Yes.- There's lots of I Can't Get No Satisfaction.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Yes, there is. And if it's a positive double negative,
0:05:16 > 0:05:19- like Tom Jones' It's Not Unusual, that's fine. OK?- Why is that fine?
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Well, it never used to be a problem, the double negative,
0:05:22 > 0:05:24and then, in the 18th century, they became obsessed with mathematics,
0:05:24 > 0:05:26- and it's to do with mathematics.- Oh.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29So they began to codify the language as being illogical
0:05:29 > 0:05:32if it didn't fit with mathematical thinking. So, in mathematics,
0:05:32 > 0:05:36- minus a minus is a plus. - Oh, do do this in Danish!- OK.
0:05:36 > 0:05:40Yes. SHE SPEAKS IN DANISH
0:05:40 > 0:05:45No, I won't do it now. APPLAUSE
0:05:45 > 0:05:47If you do that, I'd think I'd had a stroke.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49I always think that there's a body been found,
0:05:49 > 0:05:50as soon as I hear Danish.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55You can almost feel the wind on the bridge.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57I tell you what, it's a hell of a contortion
0:05:57 > 0:05:59if you can feel wind on your bridge.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08I'm trying to think what position you'd have to be in...
0:06:08 > 0:06:11I don't know, but I'm going to try and sketch it.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Just pass it along when you've done.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Anybody know the difference between no and nay?
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Is it like the French non and si,
0:06:21 > 0:06:25where si is a yes if somebody is expecting the answer no?
0:06:25 > 0:06:26Yeah, you're exactly right.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28It's to do with the type of question that you get.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30So there used to be, in early modern English -
0:06:30 > 0:06:33so we're talking, sort of, late 15th to late 17th century -
0:06:33 > 0:06:34two affirmatives, yes and yea,
0:06:34 > 0:06:37and two negatives, which were no and nay,
0:06:37 > 0:06:40and so subtle the rules that even the people at the time thought,
0:06:40 > 0:06:41"I have no idea how this works."
0:06:41 > 0:06:43But, basically, yes and no were responses to
0:06:43 > 0:06:44questions posed in the negative.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46So, "Will he not go?"
0:06:46 > 0:06:48The answer is, "Yes, he will," or "No, he will not."
0:06:48 > 0:06:51But if you positively frame a question, "Will he go?",
0:06:51 > 0:06:54the answer is, "Yea, he will," or "Nay, he will not."
0:06:54 > 0:06:57- Are you allowed to say "nay" without saying "sirrah"?- That's right.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00- GYLES:- Or, indeed, prefacing it with "hey nonny, no nay"?
0:07:00 > 0:07:01- VICTORIA:- Yes.
0:07:01 > 0:07:05I'll be docking points from anybody who gets it wrong
0:07:05 > 0:07:06from now on. Is that clear?
0:07:08 > 0:07:10- Yes, but not...- No, not exactly.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12- Yes, but not entirely. Is that correct?- Yes and no.
0:07:12 > 0:07:13- Yea.- Yea.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15- KLAXON - What?
0:07:17 > 0:07:20It was positively phrased, so the answer, in fact -
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Victoria is entirely right - is yea is the answer.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24- It's yea, is the answer?- Yes.
0:07:24 > 0:07:25And so, yea...
0:07:25 > 0:07:26Yea is the equivalent...
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Yea is the equivalent of yes,
0:07:29 > 0:07:31but nay is not the equivalent of no - that's what we've learnt.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33- No. So... VICTORIA:- No!
0:07:33 > 0:07:35LAUGHTER
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Yea is yes if the answer yes is expected.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Yea and nay are for positively-framed questions,
0:07:40 > 0:07:43and yes and no... I'm losing... Honestly, I can't...
0:07:43 > 0:07:45- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - What we've learned is nothing.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47- Ah!- We weren't really paying attention.
0:07:47 > 0:07:48- That was the problem. - I know, exactly.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50But what I can tell you is that there's really
0:07:50 > 0:07:51nothing wrong with double negatives.
0:07:51 > 0:07:56Only arbitrary pedants believe there isn't...not.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00Now it's time for my favourite subject in all the world - not.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03It's sport. GYLES GROANS
0:08:03 > 0:08:05- Yea, sport!- Yea, sport(!) OK. GYLES:- Nay!
0:08:05 > 0:08:09Why is the person on the right such a loser?
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Oh, isn't this interesting?
0:08:11 > 0:08:14- I don't know yet.- No, no, no, no... - LAUGHTER
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Just because he's not got any badges and ribbons on,
0:08:16 > 0:08:18he's obviously been in a court martial -
0:08:18 > 0:08:20he's had them stripped off him.
0:08:20 > 0:08:21That's why he's the loser.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23You are in the right area.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Is he standing in for someone?
0:08:25 > 0:08:28- Well...- Oh, is it a centaur?
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Is he half-man, half-horse?
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Actually, the other guy's riding a horse and he's actually the horse,
0:08:34 > 0:08:35and those are fake legs.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Oh, that's my favourite, but no.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40So, he's a sort of nearly man.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43- An understudy?- I don't think we can call them that any more.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49APPLAUSE
0:08:52 > 0:08:54The idea, Jimmy, that you would teach me
0:08:54 > 0:08:57to be politically correct...
0:08:57 > 0:08:59- I'm so sorry.- You're so fantastic.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02I've started a new thing on the show which is my random Scandinavian,
0:09:02 > 0:09:05and this is my "randy Scandi", this guy.
0:09:05 > 0:09:06He took part in the 1948 Olympics.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08His name is Sergeant Gehnall Persson.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11He was in the Swedish Equestrian team,
0:09:11 > 0:09:13and they easily won gold in the dressage
0:09:13 > 0:09:16and then they were stripped of the medal,
0:09:16 > 0:09:17because the French, who came second,
0:09:17 > 0:09:20noticed that he was wearing a sergeant's cap.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22So you were in the right area, absolutely, Gyles.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25In those days, Olympic equestrianism was open
0:09:25 > 0:09:27only to officers and gentlemen.
0:09:27 > 0:09:28It was an amateur sport,
0:09:28 > 0:09:31and other ranks were considered to be professionals.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33So what had happened - he'd been given a bogus promotion
0:09:33 > 0:09:35to being a lieutenant, just for the Games,
0:09:35 > 0:09:38but he forgot to change his hat.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40- Oh!- But it's a happy ending -
0:09:40 > 0:09:43the gentleman rule was changed, and he went on to win gold
0:09:43 > 0:09:46at the next two Olympics, just as a sergeant,
0:09:46 > 0:09:47and he didn't have to be a lieutenant.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49So, here's the thing that I think, OK?
0:09:49 > 0:09:51I would like to see the amateur ethos brought back to sport.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53- What do you think about that? - Oh, yes.- Oh, 100%.
0:09:53 > 0:09:54The amateur thing with sport is...
0:09:54 > 0:09:57They've ruined it now, haven't they? They've ruined the Olympics.
0:09:57 > 0:09:58- Have they?- Well, I think...
0:09:58 > 0:10:01You can't have Eddie the Eagle or Eric the Eel or any of those,
0:10:01 > 0:10:03- kind of, the fun ones... - No! Can I say?
0:10:03 > 0:10:07Drugs are the making of the Olympics.
0:10:07 > 0:10:08Don't you think? I mean, you know...
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Isn't it an exciting idea - who can go faster and faster and faster?
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Then, maybe you need two Games.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16- You need a clean one and you need a drug-addled...- Yeah, exactly.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18- So, do you...? - What do people watch most?
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Lance Armstrong made a very interesting point
0:10:20 > 0:10:21in that documentary they made about him.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24He basically said, "Yes, I was on drugs - so was everyone else.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27- "I was the best on drugs."- Yeah.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29I also think that the drugs should be more interesting.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33Does anybody know what the very first-ever substance-abuse case
0:10:33 > 0:10:35in the Olympics dealt with?
0:10:35 > 0:10:36- Well, it was a very high-class affair.- Oh...
0:10:36 > 0:10:38The first person banned for substance abuse?
0:10:38 > 0:10:39- Sherry.- You're very close.
0:10:39 > 0:10:40- Yes?- Was it absinthe?
0:10:40 > 0:10:42- No.- Oh, sorry, I wasn't answering.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45I was just hoping someone could bring a sherry.
0:10:45 > 0:10:46Was it an animal that was doped?
0:10:46 > 0:10:47- No.- A human?
0:10:47 > 0:10:50It's a fantastic American swimmer called Eleanor Holm.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54She was suspended from the American Olympic swim team in 1936 for
0:10:54 > 0:10:55drinking too much champagne.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57- No...- Now, who...?
0:10:58 > 0:10:59That's good.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01How much champagne is too much champagne?
0:11:01 > 0:11:02- I think it's...- That's all relative.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04You wouldn't think it would particularly
0:11:04 > 0:11:05improve her performance.
0:11:05 > 0:11:06I mean, she was happy.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09You've only got to go backwards and forwards with swimming -
0:11:09 > 0:11:10you've got to keep yourself busy.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Bubbles could have helped keeping her up, and afloat.
0:11:15 > 0:11:16The first time I went dog racing,
0:11:16 > 0:11:19I went with a friend of mine and he was betting on the second favourite.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21He said, "It's always good to back the second favourite
0:11:21 > 0:11:24"cos often someone's slipped the favourite a pie."
0:11:24 > 0:11:27And that's...
0:11:27 > 0:11:30The dog... Is the dog like, "I can't run. I've... I'm, oh...
0:11:30 > 0:11:32"Oh..."
0:11:32 > 0:11:33That was delicious, though.
0:11:33 > 0:11:34That's how you nobble a dog race -
0:11:34 > 0:11:37you slip a meat pie to the dog, and then it eats it,
0:11:37 > 0:11:40and, I mean, you can imagine it doesn't run so fast.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42That would probably work on this show, do you not think?
0:11:42 > 0:11:46Many's the time I've been slipped a pie, Sandi.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49So from a nearly man, to the world's biggest nobody.
0:11:49 > 0:11:53What did these guys do when they realised their cox was too big?
0:11:55 > 0:11:58I presume they threw him overboard.
0:11:58 > 0:12:02Kind of. It's a really sweet story, this.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04So we all know what the cox does.
0:12:04 > 0:12:05- The cox tells them... - He steers the boat.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08- Steers the boat, yes. - Stops them from rowing into things.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10From "coxswain", literally a boat servant.
0:12:10 > 0:12:15Also shouts "row", which doesn't seem necessary in any other sport.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17No-one in the 100 metres has got a guy on the side going,
0:12:17 > 0:12:20"Left, right, left, right."
0:12:20 > 0:12:23- So this boy is the cox? - He BECAME the cox.
0:12:23 > 0:12:24He was the replacement. This is...
0:12:24 > 0:12:26First of all, I love these outfits. Can I just say?
0:12:26 > 0:12:27If every sport wore these...
0:12:27 > 0:12:30- Yes, is it unusual to do it in your underpants?- I think they're sweet.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33- They look gorgeous. - They're anatomically correct.
0:12:33 > 0:12:34Not necessarily.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37This is the Dutch cox pair from the 1900 Olympics.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39So what happened was they got through to the final
0:12:39 > 0:12:42and they had an overweight cox called Hermanus Brockmann,
0:12:42 > 0:12:44and they thought it was going to cost them the gold.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48So they had noticed that the French crews were using children as coxes,
0:12:48 > 0:12:50and so they decided to get one of their own,
0:12:50 > 0:12:52and they plucked one from a crowd - this boy.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54He'd already been discarded, actually, by the French
0:12:54 > 0:12:56as being too heavy.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58He's between seven and ten years old,
0:12:58 > 0:12:59nobody knows his name,
0:12:59 > 0:13:02but with him coxing they won the gold,
0:13:02 > 0:13:04and then he vanished back into the crowd.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07He is an Olympic gold medallist,
0:13:07 > 0:13:09and nobody knows his name.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11- Isn't it the sweetest story? - Incredible.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Also, the idea that he was telling his friends,
0:13:13 > 0:13:15"I went and I saw the rowing, it was amazing."
0:13:15 > 0:13:17"Where did you sit?" "I had a great seat!
0:13:18 > 0:13:20"Yeah, I was in the boat."
0:13:20 > 0:13:23He's the only anonymous gold winner ever in the Olympics.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26The medal was given to the overweight cox
0:13:26 > 0:13:29who didn't actually row, Hermanus Brockmann, he got the gold medal.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31And he was disappointed that it wasn't made of chocolate.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34I think that's the main disappointment
0:13:34 > 0:13:36of all gold medal-winners in the Olympics.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38"Oh, seriously?"
0:13:38 > 0:13:42Yes, indeed. They sacked their cox and got a lad in to do his job.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46And now for something that's not quite the full shilling.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49So, I have got three bottles of wine.
0:13:49 > 0:13:53I've got a very nicely aged Chateau Brandreth.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55- Ooh! How lovely. - I'll pass that to you down there.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58I've got a - this is rather lovely - Jimicar Valley White.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Fruity and fresh. I'll just pass that.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Very excellent with cheese.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04And this one...
0:14:04 > 0:14:06What are you saying about Jimmy's material?
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Cheesy and fruity? Oh, fair enough.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11This one goes down very well, I hear.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15It's a 1966 Alan Davies Piteous Whine.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19There we go. So, Victoria, you know nothing about these wines.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Let us imagine that you care for all wines
0:14:21 > 0:14:22- in a rather similar manner.- Mm-hmm.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25- I can make that leap of the imagination.- Thank you very much.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Which one would you purchase, based on the price?
0:14:28 > 0:14:31On those prices, I mean, all of them. I'd still get change...
0:14:33 > 0:14:36People who have wine stoppers - what's the point of that?
0:14:36 > 0:14:40- What are they for? - Indeed, what are they for?
0:14:40 > 0:14:42APPLAUSE
0:14:44 > 0:14:47- If you mean genuinely, what would I do?- Yes, genuinely.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49I'm not a wine snob. If I didn't know anything about them,
0:14:49 > 0:14:50I'd buy the cheapest one.
0:14:50 > 0:14:51Would you buy the one that's £5.50?
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Yeah, why not? I don't know what the extra 50p will get me.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56I was told by somebody who knows about wine that you should
0:14:56 > 0:14:58consider the duty on the wine.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00- Oh, right.- So if a bottle...
0:15:00 > 0:15:04If the duty says £4 on a bottle and the bottle is £5,
0:15:04 > 0:15:07- you're really paying for a £1 bottle of wine.- Wow.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09But if it's £6, you're paying for a £2 bottle of wine,
0:15:09 > 0:15:11- so it's therefore twice as good. - Ooh.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13- So, even though it's only £1 more... - Ah.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16- And I have followed that advice ever since.- Was that man...?
0:15:16 > 0:15:18So, this guy buying a £1 bottle of wine,
0:15:18 > 0:15:21was he outside a shop at the time? Was he?
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Was he in the park drinking, perchance?
0:15:23 > 0:15:26He was... He was already drunk.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Anybody else? Anybody? What would you go for, Jimmy?
0:15:28 > 0:15:29Second-cheapest, always.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Right, so you'd go for the 5.99?
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Well, yeah. Well, you know...
0:15:33 > 0:15:35In restaurants, people never choose the cheapest one,
0:15:35 > 0:15:37and they don't feel they can afford the most expensive
0:15:37 > 0:15:39because that's usually about £600,
0:15:39 > 0:15:41so they go for the one above the cheapest,
0:15:41 > 0:15:43- which would be the 5.99. - Except, except...
0:15:43 > 0:15:45And then once you've had one bottle, just get the house.
0:15:45 > 0:15:46But also, is there not...?
0:15:46 > 0:15:48If there's only a penny difference, you see,
0:15:48 > 0:15:50is there not a psychological advantage there?
0:15:50 > 0:15:52It is, this is the thing. It's called psychological pricing,
0:15:52 > 0:15:55and most... It's also known as charm pricing or magical pricing,
0:15:55 > 0:15:57pretty pricing.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Most people would go for the 5.99...
0:15:59 > 0:16:01They wouldn't be so cheap, Victoria.
0:16:01 > 0:16:05They'd go for the 5.99, and there seems to be a subconscious thing
0:16:05 > 0:16:07that we prefer precise prices to round ones.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09That seems to be a thing.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11And also, it's called a left-digit anchor effect,
0:16:11 > 0:16:14so the 5.99, it's still in the £5 bracket,
0:16:14 > 0:16:15it's not quite in the £6 bracket,
0:16:15 > 0:16:17and therefore, we seem more likely...
0:16:17 > 0:16:19- Are we still falling for this, people?- I know!
0:16:19 > 0:16:20Isn't there a theory on this,
0:16:20 > 0:16:22that it started because they wanted to make sure
0:16:22 > 0:16:24that they weren't being ripped off by their vendors?
0:16:24 > 0:16:26If you've got to give them a penny change,
0:16:26 > 0:16:28it has to go through the till.
0:16:28 > 0:16:29Yes, there was a theory about that,
0:16:29 > 0:16:31but there are experiments that suggest
0:16:31 > 0:16:34that you do better to price products at £5.99 than at £5.50,
0:16:34 > 0:16:36because the 99 feels like a reduction.
0:16:36 > 0:16:41It is odd that £6.01 sounds a lot more than £5.99.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44- It sounds about 40 quid more. - Yes, it does, doesn't it?
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Also, what a bore to have 99p in change.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48That's the reason for not doing it.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Well, the Official Monster Raving Loony Party in this country
0:16:51 > 0:16:54has proposed creation of a 99p coin to save change.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56APPLAUSE
0:16:59 > 0:17:01It's a very good idea.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Is this genuinely wine, or have they filled the bottle with water?
0:17:05 > 0:17:08I haven't opened it to check. Why don't you unscrew it and see?
0:17:08 > 0:17:10- This is wine.- This is wine.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13It's Beaujolais. Have we got any glasses?
0:17:13 > 0:17:14APPLAUSE
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Do you think you've overpaid for that, or was that all right?
0:17:21 > 0:17:23- No, I think that's all right. - That's not too shabby?
0:17:23 > 0:17:25I think I've done well with the cheapest one.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27I think in restaurants you should always order the house wine
0:17:27 > 0:17:29because if they should...
0:17:29 > 0:17:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Oh, do you know what? Not terrible!
0:17:34 > 0:17:37No, and weirdly, the next subject that I've got coming up
0:17:37 > 0:17:39is the bacteria in people's mouths.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46- You should always order the house wine...- Why's that?
0:17:46 > 0:17:48..cos a restaurant ought to stand by its house wine.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51If the house wine is not good then the food is not going to be good.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53And, also, they buy so much of it they can get it at a better price.
0:17:53 > 0:17:54Yes, so that is...
0:17:54 > 0:17:57So, buy the house wine at 99 rather than...
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Well, it depends on how expensive it is.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01So a prestige good, a luxury good like, say, for example,
0:18:01 > 0:18:03do you like handbags? Do you like luxury handbags?
0:18:03 > 0:18:05- Of course, yes.- No.- No?
0:18:05 > 0:18:08People are more likely to pay £900 for a luxury handbag
0:18:08 > 0:18:10- than £899.99...- Oh, yes.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12..cos you don't want it to be affordable, that's not the point.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15- I genuinely... I don't understand about handbags.- OK.
0:18:15 > 0:18:16And I'm...
0:18:16 > 0:18:19I'm not really a proper girl, as I try to...
0:18:19 > 0:18:20- GYLES:- Oh.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25And Jimmy's fine with that.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27A handbag is essential.
0:18:27 > 0:18:28Do you carry a man-bag?
0:18:28 > 0:18:30I don't carry a man-bag, but I discovered a handbag was essential
0:18:30 > 0:18:33when I wrote a book about the Queen,
0:18:33 > 0:18:36- and the Queen always has a handbag, one over her arm.- Mmm.
0:18:36 > 0:18:42And when she moves her handbag from one wrist to the other wrist,
0:18:42 > 0:18:46that is the cue for the equerry-in-waiting to move you on.
0:18:46 > 0:18:47Oh.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50- So, when you are next, Sandi, chatting with Her Majesty...- Yes.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52..and thinking it's going rather well,
0:18:52 > 0:18:54doing some of your amusing Danish stuff, erm...
0:18:54 > 0:18:57LAUGHTER
0:18:57 > 0:18:58Not tactful but...
0:18:58 > 0:19:00- She can't get enough of it. - She can't.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02She can't - her husband is a Dane. She loves all that.
0:19:02 > 0:19:03She loves the Nordics.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05- She loves all that.- Philip?
0:19:05 > 0:19:06- Yeah.- I think he's Greek.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Oh, no, no. Oh, no, that's just a cover.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12OK. LAUGHTER
0:19:12 > 0:19:14- He's quite mad, you know.- No!
0:19:14 > 0:19:16I had lunch with Her Majesty and she appeared to have nothing but
0:19:16 > 0:19:19- dog biscuits in the bag. - Yeah, well...
0:19:19 > 0:19:20But, anyway, that is the trick.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23So, just watch out when she moves the bag from one wrist to
0:19:23 > 0:19:26the other, you know it's your time to step away.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28- Move along.- Move along.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Erm, in The Meaning Of Liff, which is a fabulous book,
0:19:30 > 0:19:33a Kibblesworth, which is a village in Tyne and Wear,
0:19:33 > 0:19:35is defined as "the footling amount of money
0:19:35 > 0:19:37"by which a price is less than a sensible number",
0:19:37 > 0:19:39which I like.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Shall we put the bottles away? Do you want to give me...?
0:19:42 > 0:19:43- Give me yours! - I AM putting it away!
0:19:43 > 0:19:46No, give me yours, sweetheart. APPLAUSE
0:19:49 > 0:19:51I'll keep it safe.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54So, I got 99 problems, but the pence ain't one.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57Now. Just... That's for the younger people.
0:19:59 > 0:20:03Here is a not-unknotty poser for you to consider.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06What's a really unfortunate name to have on the internet?
0:20:06 > 0:20:09I was thinking of that one of, like, there's a...
0:20:09 > 0:20:11There's a Pen Island that has a website.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Oh! Yes!
0:20:13 > 0:20:15- Is that right? - Which doesn't look great.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17- No.- What?- Pen Island.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Oh, Pen Island! OK.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22There's actually a company that I've worked for
0:20:22 > 0:20:24called Bound And Gagged Comedy,
0:20:24 > 0:20:28and if you type in "bound and gagged" - ooh!
0:20:28 > 0:20:33I found that once. I googled "big carthorse" - and, my word!
0:20:33 > 0:20:35That could take your eye out.
0:20:35 > 0:20:40Sorry - for what legitimate reason were you googling "big carthorse"?
0:20:41 > 0:20:43I get lonely.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Anyway, there are all sorts of names that don't work.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51There's a man called Christopher Null, who is from Texas,
0:20:51 > 0:20:54and he finds that computers regularly reject anything,
0:20:54 > 0:20:57because "null", in lots of programming languages,
0:20:57 > 0:21:00basically means "this space is intentionally left blank".
0:21:00 > 0:21:01Now, here is the good thing -
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Mr Null is a prominent tech journalist,
0:21:04 > 0:21:07as I think you can tell by his thrusting photograph,
0:21:07 > 0:21:09and the easiest thing, apparently,
0:21:09 > 0:21:11is to put a full stop after the name, is the best way.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13There are all sorts of names like that -
0:21:13 > 0:21:15computers go, "Well, I don't know."
0:21:15 > 0:21:16Oh, I see. As in null and void?
0:21:16 > 0:21:18- Yes.- So you type in "null" and nothing appears?
0:21:18 > 0:21:20- Yes...- He's the Invisible Man! That's what he looks like.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Yes, that is indeed what he looks like.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25But he's not on his own, there've been hundreds of people in China
0:21:25 > 0:21:26who've had to change their names
0:21:26 > 0:21:28because the computer codes don't exist
0:21:28 > 0:21:29and they don't have the Chinese sign for it.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32And therefore they don't exist so they've had to change their name,
0:21:32 > 0:21:35otherwise they can't apply for a driving licence, or whatever.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38- And what are these people called?- I don't know the names of all of them,
0:21:38 > 0:21:40because there are several hundred of them.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42- There are a lot of Chinese people, that is a matter of fact.- Yeah.
0:21:42 > 0:21:46There was a British feminist called Margaret Sandra and, in 1979,
0:21:46 > 0:21:49she dropped her surname because she got very irritated.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51She went to buy a tumble dryer and she wasn't allowed to buy it
0:21:51 > 0:21:54unless her husband signed the form.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56- Ah!- So she became enraged, and she doesn't have a surname.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58But the result is, if you don't...
0:21:58 > 0:22:00- Wet clothes.- Yes.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02If you don't have a surname on a computer,
0:22:02 > 0:22:03you can't easily claim benefits
0:22:03 > 0:22:05or you can't book online or you can't...
0:22:05 > 0:22:07There's all sorts of things you can't do.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10So what does...? Poor Bono and Cher, it must be all kinds of...
0:22:10 > 0:22:12- Must be hell.- The poor things.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15- Just being them, actually. - They've got no white goods at all.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18Poor Sting can't get a driver's licence.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21Down there at the water's edge, bashing their clothes on rocks.
0:22:21 > 0:22:25"Why are you doing that?" "I can't get a washing machine!"
0:22:27 > 0:22:29- This makes me feel... - The Edge is no help.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35APPLAUSE
0:22:37 > 0:22:39My favourite story about getting names wrong -
0:22:39 > 0:22:41there was a British student called Adam Armstrong,
0:22:41 > 0:22:44and he had his Ryanair seat accidentally booked
0:22:44 > 0:22:45in the wrong name,
0:22:45 > 0:22:48so the airline was going to charge him £220 administration fee
0:22:48 > 0:22:50to correct this error, and he didn't want to pay the money,
0:22:50 > 0:22:53so he changed his name by deed poll,
0:22:53 > 0:22:56which is free, OK,
0:22:56 > 0:22:58and he got a new passport for £103.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Way cheaper - instead of paying Ryanair for a clerical error,
0:23:03 > 0:23:06change your name.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09There's a lesson, though I have no idea what it is.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11And now, for a total non-event -
0:23:11 > 0:23:14who's the best person to invite to a "Don't Come" party?
0:23:14 > 0:23:17- Oh!- Yes.- A "Don't Come" party?
0:23:17 > 0:23:20It's an actual thing that is used now by charities...
0:23:20 > 0:23:22- Oh, I think I know what it is then.- Yes.
0:23:22 > 0:23:27It is where, in order to raise money, they say,
0:23:27 > 0:23:31"If you give us £1,000, we will not hold this occasion."
0:23:31 > 0:23:33You don't therefore need to spend money on having your hair done,
0:23:33 > 0:23:37- buying a new frock, hiring a car... - Yeah.- ..taking part in the raffle,
0:23:37 > 0:23:41buying a balloon, getting the drugs behind the fountain...
0:23:41 > 0:23:43None of these things need to happen.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45It's a cheap, cheap evening.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Behind the fountain?
0:23:47 > 0:23:49And, what, did this come out of people going,
0:23:49 > 0:23:51"I would pay not to go to that event"?
0:23:51 > 0:23:53- Yes.- Yes. So people that want to stay at home.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56I would pay not to hear Gyles' after-dinner speech.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59I'm not saying that. I...
0:23:59 > 0:24:02APPLAUSE
0:24:02 > 0:24:03And you can make the thing sound
0:24:03 > 0:24:05as extravagant and glamorous as you like,
0:24:05 > 0:24:07and then don't have it.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09You say it's at a fantastically expensive hotel
0:24:09 > 0:24:11and there's going to be champagne, but don't come,
0:24:11 > 0:24:14and then you get more money because people don't want to go anywhere.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16- So, a "Never Event" is different. - Yes.
0:24:16 > 0:24:17OK, and do we know what that is?
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Is that an event that was never going to happen?
0:24:20 > 0:24:23No. It's the official name used by hospital administrators
0:24:23 > 0:24:26to describe errors that are wholly avoidable,
0:24:26 > 0:24:29so should never occur.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33Like, I should think using a meat cleaver on a patient would be...
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Before we rush to judgment, we don't know what's the matter with him.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38- No.- That might be necessary.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41But, curiously, these Never Events do occur.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45I was hosting the British Funeral Directors' awards recently...
0:24:48 > 0:24:50We've got to get you a new agent, dude.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53It was quite quiet, initially.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59- I hope you opened with that.- It took place at the end of the day -
0:24:59 > 0:25:02they'd had their trade show in the same venue,
0:25:02 > 0:25:07and so around the edges of the room there were coffins, caskets,
0:25:07 > 0:25:10people looking not unlike this fellow, sort of sitting up in them.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Were you picking a new home?
0:25:12 > 0:25:14AUDIENCE MURMURS DISAPPROVINGLY
0:25:17 > 0:25:20- No! It's all right.- Can I say...? - He's old and he'll be dead soon.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22I'm sorry if I was...
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Can I tell you something, Jimmy?
0:25:24 > 0:25:27I don't think you realise how this is getting to me,
0:25:27 > 0:25:29because this morning, this very morning,
0:25:29 > 0:25:31I received a letter through the post
0:25:31 > 0:25:35inviting me to be the new face of the Stannah stairlift.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40- Take it! - APPLAUSE
0:25:44 > 0:25:46The worst thing about this is...
0:25:48 > 0:25:51..my wife said, "I think we should consider this."
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Then - this is a true story -
0:25:55 > 0:25:58I then phoned them up and I said,
0:25:58 > 0:26:00"Have you thought of Nigel Havers?"
0:26:02 > 0:26:05It turned out they had. I was about 17th on the list.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08I'm afraid this is not the first invitation
0:26:08 > 0:26:10of its kind I've received,
0:26:10 > 0:26:13because I also - this is maybe how they got hold of my name -
0:26:13 > 0:26:19I was considered for being the new figure stretched out on the floor
0:26:19 > 0:26:21reaching for the alarm.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25"Help, I've fallen, and I can't get up"?
0:26:25 > 0:26:28That one. But June Whitfield has got that gig at the moment.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32But I have had this brilliant idea,
0:26:32 > 0:26:34which I've now begun to discuss with them,
0:26:34 > 0:26:35because my problem is that I go upstairs
0:26:35 > 0:26:37and can't remember why I've gone upstairs.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40- Yes.- So my idea is this -
0:26:40 > 0:26:43I attach to the arm of the stairlift
0:26:43 > 0:26:45an old-fashioned tape recorder,
0:26:45 > 0:26:47I sit in the chair, I press the two buttons,
0:26:47 > 0:26:51I tell myself why I am going upstairs.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54- And I go up. - APPLAUSE
0:27:01 > 0:27:04It's like the worst Beckett play ever.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09And the tape, years later it will be handed down the generations
0:27:09 > 0:27:15with all the reasons why Uncle Gyles went up the stairs for ten years.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17"For a shit."
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Never Events you may not wish to attend
0:27:26 > 0:27:30include Gyles Brandreth addressing funeral directors.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33These are both improbable pictures of George I,
0:27:33 > 0:27:36so what on earth happened here?
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Oh, he had his wig made into a moustache.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44I can give you a clue - they're separate "George I"s.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46The one on the left is Matt Lucas.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48I'm pretty sure that's Matt Lucas.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51I do think they all look like Samuel Pepys - everyone in a wig like that.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53- Yes, those wigs, there, there's a thing.- Yeah.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Well, I can tell you, George I of Britain on the left.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Yes, cos he's dressed up like... He was German, of course.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59He was German.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01In fact, he only spoke German when he first became king.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03GYLES SPEAKS GERMAN
0:28:03 > 0:28:06You don't have to do it in German. It's perfectly fine to...
0:28:06 > 0:28:07How did he become king?
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Well, that is the extraordinary thing,
0:28:09 > 0:28:12because there were 51 candidates to become the next king.
0:28:12 > 0:28:13Why did they choose George?
0:28:13 > 0:28:16All of them were ahead of him - were closer in line to the throne.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18Because we like a German.
0:28:18 > 0:28:19Because the others were all Catholics.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21Ah, of course.
0:28:21 > 0:28:22He was the only Protestant,
0:28:22 > 0:28:25and the Act was designed to ensure that Protestants came to the throne.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27- The Act of Settlement?- Yeah.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29It must have been like an upset on the X Factor,
0:28:29 > 0:28:32- when the outsider comes in. - Yes, yes, it was exactly like that.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34Start kicking Catholics off the X Factor,
0:28:34 > 0:28:35that'll stir up the ratings.
0:28:37 > 0:28:39Arbitrarily.
0:28:39 > 0:28:42- We've got it back to the old rules. - Yes.
0:28:42 > 0:28:43So, the other George I,
0:28:43 > 0:28:46also another king who took office against the odds, he's my random...
0:28:46 > 0:28:49- Is he your...? Is he going to be Danish?- He is, he's a randy Scandi.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51- He is a randy Scandi.- Yes, yes!
0:28:51 > 0:28:54He was Prince William of Denmark, and he became King of Greece in...
0:28:54 > 0:28:55Yup. That's... Excuse me!
0:28:55 > 0:28:57Yes?
0:28:58 > 0:29:01- He's alive!- Almost...
0:29:01 > 0:29:03You may recall that I mentioned earlier -
0:29:03 > 0:29:05and there was, sort of, ribald laughter -
0:29:05 > 0:29:07- that the Duke of Edinburgh was Danish.- Yes.
0:29:07 > 0:29:08The Duke of Edinburgh is Danish
0:29:08 > 0:29:10because he is a direct descendant of this man.
0:29:10 > 0:29:12- OK, fair enough.- And...
0:29:12 > 0:29:14So, surprisingly, at the end of the Greek War of Independence,
0:29:14 > 0:29:15so 1829...
0:29:15 > 0:29:18LAUGHTER
0:29:18 > 0:29:20..Greece was in chaos. Who can imagine such a thing?
0:29:20 > 0:29:23- Greece in chaos?!- I know. It was the most extraordinary thing.
0:29:23 > 0:29:25- What now with the who, how?- I know.
0:29:25 > 0:29:27They had this guy called King Otto, and he was hopeless,
0:29:27 > 0:29:29and they didn't like him, so he was overthrown
0:29:29 > 0:29:32and they had a referendum to decide his successor.
0:29:32 > 0:29:34And there was Prince William of Denmark
0:29:34 > 0:29:37and Prince Alfred, who was the second son of Queen Victoria.
0:29:37 > 0:29:42There were 240,000 votes counted and Prince William got six, OK?
0:29:42 > 0:29:45The Greeks voted 95% of them that they wanted
0:29:45 > 0:29:47the British Prince, Prince Alfred.
0:29:47 > 0:29:48How touching.
0:29:48 > 0:29:50But there was a treaty that banned British royals from
0:29:50 > 0:29:53taking the Greek throne, so Prince William got it.
0:29:53 > 0:29:54He got it.
0:29:54 > 0:29:56- With six votes?! - With six votes, yes.
0:29:56 > 0:29:57Oh...
0:29:57 > 0:30:01That's democracy and royalty working together.
0:30:01 > 0:30:02They did try a lot of other royals as well,
0:30:02 > 0:30:05before they came down to these final two to put in the mix.
0:30:05 > 0:30:08They did, and what I like is there were 93 votes in the referendum
0:30:08 > 0:30:10for a republic and one to bring back King Otto.
0:30:10 > 0:30:11I mean, we have no idea who that was.
0:30:11 > 0:30:15- And they took it... - I think it might have been Otto.
0:30:15 > 0:30:18Otto's loyal butler.
0:30:18 > 0:30:21So, anyway, your chances of ascending the throne may be
0:30:21 > 0:30:22better than you thought,
0:30:22 > 0:30:25and here's another coronation that was not without its controversies.
0:30:25 > 0:30:28Have a careful look at this and tell me what's not all right.
0:30:28 > 0:30:31First of all, do we know which coronation it is?
0:30:31 > 0:30:34- It's Queen Victoria.- So, does anybody know what went wrong?
0:30:34 > 0:30:37They crowned the wrong woman.
0:30:37 > 0:30:40A lady called Karen was crowned. She ruled for 80 years.
0:30:40 > 0:30:42In a way, it's almost what happened. It's five hours, it was.
0:30:42 > 0:30:44First of all, the Archbishop of Canterbury
0:30:44 > 0:30:46forced the coronation ring onto the wrong finger -
0:30:46 > 0:30:48caused her severe pain,
0:30:48 > 0:30:50and they couldn't get it off afterwards.
0:30:50 > 0:30:51And three years later,
0:30:51 > 0:30:53he did exactly the same thing at her wedding.
0:30:53 > 0:30:56He was just not ring-savvy, the Archbishop of Canterbury.
0:30:56 > 0:30:57Then the Bishop of Bath and Wells
0:30:57 > 0:31:00accidentally turned over two pages in the service book,
0:31:00 > 0:31:03and he cut out the whole section where they made her Queen.
0:31:05 > 0:31:07What do you mean, "the whole section"?
0:31:07 > 0:31:09That's surely the whole coronation, isn't it?
0:31:09 > 0:31:11But the coronation was invalid,
0:31:11 > 0:31:14and in fact she had left the Abbey before they realised
0:31:14 > 0:31:16and she had to come back and do it again.
0:31:16 > 0:31:18I love that, they had to do a retake.
0:31:18 > 0:31:21And then, as the Lords were being presented to her,
0:31:21 > 0:31:25the elderly, rather aptly named Lord Rolle, became globally famous
0:31:25 > 0:31:28for tripping over on the steps leading to the throne
0:31:28 > 0:31:29and rolling all the way down.
0:31:30 > 0:31:34Apparently she didn't endear herself to the public until that moment,
0:31:34 > 0:31:36and when Lord Rolle fell down the stairs
0:31:36 > 0:31:37she got up and tried to help him,
0:31:37 > 0:31:39and after that they thought, "Oh, she's..."
0:31:39 > 0:31:42- Because she was very young, wasn't she?- Yeah, she was a teenager.
0:31:42 > 0:31:44I mean, it must have been an unbelievable thing.
0:31:44 > 0:31:47Now, here's a substance you may be not unfamiliar with,
0:31:47 > 0:31:51even if you don't think you're not.
0:31:51 > 0:31:52What might you use Nobel's...
0:31:52 > 0:31:55This whole episode's giving me a headache.
0:31:55 > 0:31:58What might you use Nobel's Safety Powder for?
0:31:58 > 0:32:00JIMMY BUZZES Yes?
0:32:00 > 0:32:03Is that not the original name for dynamite?
0:32:03 > 0:32:05It is. Absolutely right. It's the original name for dynamite.
0:32:05 > 0:32:09- You're absolutely right. - That's the... That's the... Yeah.
0:32:09 > 0:32:11He was the one that made it kind of safe.
0:32:11 > 0:32:14Well, it was safer than the alternative explosives,
0:32:14 > 0:32:15and in the end he called it dynamite,
0:32:15 > 0:32:17which is from the ancient Greek for "power",
0:32:17 > 0:32:20but dynamite is less likely to blow up while you're handling it.
0:32:20 > 0:32:23Why did he want to blow up pretty Japanese girls?
0:32:23 > 0:32:25Sorry?
0:32:25 > 0:32:27We've just seen the photograph - I mean, the picture.
0:32:27 > 0:32:29- Let's go back. Let's go back and have a look.- Yeah.
0:32:29 > 0:32:31Is that not a geisha of some kind?
0:32:31 > 0:32:34I'm going to guess that that's a mock-up for amusement purposes.
0:32:34 > 0:32:37- Oh, for today.- Yes.- Oh, it's not the original advertisement.
0:32:37 > 0:32:39No, I don't think suggesting... LAUGHTER
0:32:39 > 0:32:41Well, the idea that someone would be, you know,
0:32:41 > 0:32:45flicking through What Quarry magazine, going,
0:32:45 > 0:32:48"This stuff looks... This looks pretty good."
0:32:48 > 0:32:50- "I'll get some of that." - Oh, that's a bit disappointing.
0:32:50 > 0:32:52You'd have to have serious cellulite to want to
0:32:52 > 0:32:54put dynamite to it, I'd think.
0:32:54 > 0:32:55There was no Botox. Yes.
0:32:55 > 0:32:57- That'd be quite a thing. - Some people will do anything.
0:32:57 > 0:32:59- They sell embalming fluid as a beauty cream.- Do they?
0:32:59 > 0:33:00- GYLES:- I know that, actually.
0:33:00 > 0:33:04Well, yeah, from your friends in the funeral business.
0:33:04 > 0:33:07I was wondering what was keeping you looking so fresh.
0:33:07 > 0:33:09- He's got a bucket of it.- Yeah.
0:33:13 > 0:33:15So he went on and called it dynamite,
0:33:15 > 0:33:17and then he made the even safer "blasting gelatine",
0:33:17 > 0:33:20which is an explosive jelly which is known as gelignite.
0:33:20 > 0:33:22Well, isn't there the thing on him where he...
0:33:22 > 0:33:26- there was a false obituary or a premature obituary of his?- Yeah.
0:33:26 > 0:33:28That had basically said, this guy was, you know,
0:33:28 > 0:33:31he'd profited from death and then he set up the Peace Prize.
0:33:31 > 0:33:34So they say. Nobody can find such an obituary, so it may be
0:33:34 > 0:33:36one of those things, those stories that we tell...
0:33:36 > 0:33:38It'd be in an old paper. Who can be bothered to look?
0:33:38 > 0:33:41But there's quite a lot of stories like that about him.
0:33:41 > 0:33:43There's a story that there's no Nobel Maths Prize,
0:33:43 > 0:33:45in order to punish all mathematicians,
0:33:45 > 0:33:47because one of them had eloped with his wife.
0:33:47 > 0:33:49It's not true because...
0:33:49 > 0:33:50He wasn't married.
0:33:50 > 0:33:51He never got married.
0:33:51 > 0:33:53He had lots of long-term romantic relationships
0:33:53 > 0:33:56but nobody left him for a mathematician. It isn't true.
0:33:56 > 0:33:57There's no Nobel Prize for Maths
0:33:57 > 0:34:00because there wasn't any reason why there should be one.
0:34:00 > 0:34:03There's no Nobel Prize for PE, or...
0:34:03 > 0:34:05Biology or Geography.
0:34:05 > 0:34:07There isn't even, actually, a Nobel for Economics.
0:34:07 > 0:34:09The Economics Nobel isn't a Nobel Prize.
0:34:09 > 0:34:12It's the Swedish bank, the Riksbank,
0:34:12 > 0:34:14they give it in memory of Alfred Nobel,
0:34:14 > 0:34:15and it's given at the same ceremony.
0:34:15 > 0:34:18Is that a double negative and it is a Nobel Prize?
0:34:18 > 0:34:21It isn't, because it's in memory of him,
0:34:21 > 0:34:23- rather than it was one of the ones which he founded.- Right.
0:34:23 > 0:34:25Can I say? The way you share this information with us,
0:34:25 > 0:34:28I love hearing you just giving us facts.
0:34:28 > 0:34:30There's a kind of erotic charge in the room.
0:34:30 > 0:34:32LAUGHTER
0:34:32 > 0:34:35I knew one day I'd turn - I never thought it'd be you, Gyles.
0:34:35 > 0:34:38- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - OK, who's...
0:34:38 > 0:34:41I think it's just nice for you to
0:34:41 > 0:34:43be in a room that isn't full of coffins, isn't it?
0:34:43 > 0:34:45- GYLES:- Yeah, yeah!
0:34:45 > 0:34:47- Less funereal.- Yes!
0:34:47 > 0:34:48But soon, Gyles. Soon.
0:34:50 > 0:34:53At which point, we turn our attention-deficit
0:34:53 > 0:34:55to that slush fund of negative knowledge -
0:34:55 > 0:34:57the General Ignorance round.
0:34:57 > 0:35:00Fingers not unadjacent to buzzers, if you please.
0:35:00 > 0:35:03Name some common Egyptian characters.
0:35:06 > 0:35:09- Yes?- The Eye of Horus.
0:35:09 > 0:35:11KLAXON
0:35:12 > 0:35:14What are the chances?
0:35:14 > 0:35:17I want to know why the Eye of Horus isn't a common Egyptian character.
0:35:17 > 0:35:19Because it's a hieroglyph,
0:35:19 > 0:35:22and hieroglyphs were only used for special occasions.
0:35:22 > 0:35:24- GYLES:- Ah. - So they were not common, in fact.
0:35:24 > 0:35:25Well, I think you'll find
0:35:25 > 0:35:28that there were many special occasions in Egyptian life.
0:35:28 > 0:35:29Yes, obviously. The thing is,
0:35:29 > 0:35:32the normal everyday form of writing in Egyptian was hieratic.
0:35:32 > 0:35:33So it's a simplified version.
0:35:33 > 0:35:35It's a much more cursive version - there it is.
0:35:35 > 0:35:37That's a rarefied klaxon.
0:35:37 > 0:35:42I think, frankly, Victoria, they've set you up there.
0:35:42 > 0:35:44It can only be described as a trap.
0:35:44 > 0:35:47You have them on Only Connect, do you not, hieroglyphs?
0:35:47 > 0:35:51- Yeah, we do.- Yes.- In our first series, it was Greek letters,
0:35:51 > 0:35:53and people wrote in and said,
0:35:53 > 0:35:55"We like the show, but we find that pretentious."
0:35:55 > 0:35:57So we began series three with an apology, saying,
0:35:57 > 0:36:00"We'd like to say sorry to anyone that's been enjoying the show,
0:36:00 > 0:36:02"but found the Greek letters a bit pretentious. We've listened,
0:36:02 > 0:36:05"it's your BBC, you've reached out, we've heard you.
0:36:05 > 0:36:08"Please choose your Egyptian hieroglyph."
0:36:10 > 0:36:12Well, they're for special occasions, you see.
0:36:12 > 0:36:14The thing is, they can have multiple meanings.
0:36:14 > 0:36:17So, sometimes they just represent the thing they're drawing,
0:36:17 > 0:36:19so it could be a saw of some kind, it could be a tool,
0:36:19 > 0:36:20it could be something else.
0:36:20 > 0:36:24So the nose hieroglyph, for example, means smell or joy or contempt.
0:36:24 > 0:36:27But no vowels. Again, they're like Only Connect, you have a round,
0:36:27 > 0:36:28- don't you, with no vowels?- We do.
0:36:28 > 0:36:30There are no vowels in Ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs,
0:36:30 > 0:36:32so we have no idea how it would have sounded.
0:36:32 > 0:36:34So, King Ramses could be King Rameesees. We don't know.
0:36:34 > 0:36:36But that's impossible because, you know...
0:36:36 > 0:36:39Well, maybe I suppose you can manage without vowels,
0:36:39 > 0:36:42- because when it comes to diction, vowels for volume...- Right.
0:36:42 > 0:36:44..consonants for clarity.
0:36:44 > 0:36:47As in the exercise that is performed by actors,
0:36:47 > 0:36:48you repeat the following:
0:36:48 > 0:36:50"Hip bath, hip bath,
0:36:50 > 0:36:52"lavatory, lavatory,
0:36:52 > 0:36:54"bidet, bidet,
0:36:54 > 0:36:55"douche!"
0:36:55 > 0:36:58LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:37:01 > 0:37:02Are these all things...?
0:37:02 > 0:37:04Are these all things you're advertising?
0:37:04 > 0:37:06APPLAUSE
0:37:08 > 0:37:10Just tell us about your sponsorships, please.
0:37:10 > 0:37:13Can I say? People of your generation probably don't know what a bidet is,
0:37:13 > 0:37:17but they are all bathroom appliances of one kind or another.
0:37:17 > 0:37:19- That you're advertising. - Hip bath, hip bath,
0:37:19 > 0:37:20lavatory, lavatory...
0:37:20 > 0:37:23bidet, bidet, douche!
0:37:23 > 0:37:24- VICTORIA:- Douche!
0:37:24 > 0:37:27- Douche!- I didn't like the way you looked at me when you said "douche".
0:37:27 > 0:37:28Now...
0:37:28 > 0:37:31- When this goes out in America, that means something else there.- Yeah.
0:37:31 > 0:37:35The average ancient Egyptian wrote not in hieroglyphics but hieratics.
0:37:35 > 0:37:38Now, what would happen if you dropped a penny
0:37:38 > 0:37:40from the Empire State Building?
0:37:40 > 0:37:43Oh, no, this is about killing people, isn't it?
0:37:43 > 0:37:47- OK.- Nothing. It wouldn't kill someone if it hit them.
0:37:47 > 0:37:49It would not kill somebody.
0:37:49 > 0:37:52- It's too light. - It's too light, absolutely.
0:37:52 > 0:37:56- It's like you could drop a duckling, and it would float.- A duckling?
0:37:56 > 0:37:58It's incredibly light, and also...
0:37:58 > 0:38:01Wouldn't a duckling fly? Oh, because a duckling can't fly yet.
0:38:01 > 0:38:05It can't fly, but they can fall out of nests and float to the ground,
0:38:05 > 0:38:07- and you know how I know this?- Yes?
0:38:07 > 0:38:10Because I had a roof terrace that had a pond on it,
0:38:10 > 0:38:13- and some ducks came and moved in...- Oh!
0:38:13 > 0:38:17..had ducklings, and they all threw themselves off the roof.
0:38:17 > 0:38:19- Oh!- Three storeys up.
0:38:19 > 0:38:22- Quickly, say there's a happy ending! - And I ran down the stairs,
0:38:22 > 0:38:25and they were all wandering about in the car park.
0:38:26 > 0:38:28Did they get hit by a car?
0:38:28 > 0:38:30No, somebody rounded them up and put them in a box
0:38:30 > 0:38:33and took them back up the stairs, whereupon they did it again.
0:38:33 > 0:38:35- Oh, no!- What was it about living with you
0:38:35 > 0:38:37that made them want to jump off a roof?
0:38:37 > 0:38:38That's just what they do.
0:38:38 > 0:38:40Because they're so light,
0:38:40 > 0:38:42they won't plummet to the ground and die - they'll float.
0:38:42 > 0:38:45It's the same with the coins - they're fantastically lightweight,
0:38:45 > 0:38:47and they also have too much air-resistance.
0:38:47 > 0:38:49But if you had a whole bag of them...?
0:38:52 > 0:38:55If you really, really wanted to kill somebody...
0:38:55 > 0:38:57that is perfectly possible.
0:38:57 > 0:39:00A pen would make it. That would drill a hole in your head.
0:39:00 > 0:39:02- That is not a good thing.- Bad news.
0:39:02 > 0:39:04But, in fact, it's an academic question,
0:39:04 > 0:39:06because the coins mostly don't hit the ground at all.
0:39:06 > 0:39:08What happens is the design and height of the building
0:39:08 > 0:39:10creates so much strong updraught,
0:39:10 > 0:39:13that the tossed coins tend to be pushed back towards the building,
0:39:13 > 0:39:16and they land on the ledges and roofs of the lower floors,
0:39:16 > 0:39:19where the maintenance crew say, "Thank you",
0:39:19 > 0:39:22and collect them all up.
0:39:22 > 0:39:24Indeed. This is not connected with the pennies,
0:39:24 > 0:39:25but can I just tell you
0:39:25 > 0:39:28about one of my favourite creatures in the world?
0:39:28 > 0:39:30It's called the hero ant.
0:39:30 > 0:39:32It's a cliff-dwelling ant in Madagascar.
0:39:32 > 0:39:35Not a looker. Not a looker, I'll be honest.
0:39:35 > 0:39:38It's got the most fantastic way of removing predators from the nest.
0:39:38 > 0:39:42It grabs them and holds them and then jumps off the cliff,
0:39:42 > 0:39:45and then when it hits the bottom it lands softly,
0:39:45 > 0:39:48and then it lets go and climbs back up to the cave.
0:39:48 > 0:39:51- Don't you think that's fantastic? - That's rather fantastic.
0:39:51 > 0:39:53I mean, you probably shouldn't try it with a home intruder.
0:39:53 > 0:39:56- No.- That's worth mentioning. But, yeah, for safety.
0:39:56 > 0:39:59A coin dropped from the Empire State Building
0:39:59 > 0:40:02would never reach the ground, and if it did, it wouldn't do any damage.
0:40:02 > 0:40:03Finally, a quick health check.
0:40:03 > 0:40:06Put your hand up if you haven't got haemorrhoids at the moment.
0:40:06 > 0:40:08Put my hand up where?
0:40:11 > 0:40:13KLAXON
0:40:15 > 0:40:17Really?
0:40:23 > 0:40:26I don't mind getting the buzzer, but when you're so gleeful...
0:40:26 > 0:40:27Yes! So...
0:40:27 > 0:40:30I've always got... I've had haemorrhoids for about 25 years.
0:40:30 > 0:40:33The thing is, everybody's got them. We are born with haemorrhoids.
0:40:33 > 0:40:35There isn't anybody who doesn't have them.
0:40:35 > 0:40:37They're cushions, they're sort of made of veins
0:40:37 > 0:40:40which are a normal part of the anatomy, like your eyelids or lips,
0:40:40 > 0:40:42possibly not quite so pretty.
0:40:42 > 0:40:45And they're there to stop the stools leaking out of your bottom.
0:40:45 > 0:40:49They explained all this to me when I went to the audition for the job.
0:40:51 > 0:40:53It's only when they become enlarged or inflamed
0:40:53 > 0:40:55that they cause problems, but we have them all the time -
0:40:55 > 0:40:57we all have haemorrhoids all the time.
0:40:57 > 0:41:00Well, you know what? I think... Shall we go Embarrassing Bodies?
0:41:00 > 0:41:03Will I whip one out? So we've all got them at all times?
0:41:03 > 0:41:06We do, but there's a myth that if you sit on a cold surface
0:41:06 > 0:41:09or, conversely, on a radiator, it causes piles,
0:41:09 > 0:41:10and that's simply not true.
0:41:10 > 0:41:12- And spicy food - not true. - What causes...?
0:41:12 > 0:41:14Well, there is another old wives' tale
0:41:14 > 0:41:16about reading on the loo, can cause them.
0:41:16 > 0:41:19- That may be true. - What do you have to read?
0:41:19 > 0:41:22Is it like a spell? An incantation?
0:41:22 > 0:41:25No, it's sitting or standing for too long - strains your rectum.
0:41:25 > 0:41:28- Yes, you mustn't push.- No. No.
0:41:28 > 0:41:31And also, never resist the call to stool.
0:41:34 > 0:41:36Is that another way of warming up for an actor?
0:41:37 > 0:41:40Harry Hill told me that with his medical hat on -
0:41:40 > 0:41:42"Oh, you must never resist the call to stool."
0:41:42 > 0:41:43I like that. That's very good.
0:41:43 > 0:41:46They think Napoleon may have lost the battle of Waterloo
0:41:46 > 0:41:48because he had a terrible attack of piles
0:41:48 > 0:41:49which made him not sleep the night before.
0:41:49 > 0:41:52Well, they captured the moment, didn't they?
0:41:52 > 0:41:54That is a man with piles.
0:41:54 > 0:41:56Most definitely!
0:41:56 > 0:41:58That's the power of Instagram for you.
0:41:58 > 0:42:01"Your horse is ready." SHE SHUDDERS
0:42:01 > 0:42:02And David Livingstone,
0:42:02 > 0:42:06thought to have died on the banks of the Zambezi from burst haemorrhoids.
0:42:06 > 0:42:09- Oh, no!- If a haemorrhoid bursts in the forest...
0:42:11 > 0:42:14It's lovely that we're at the haemorrhoids section
0:42:14 > 0:42:15of the show, anyway.
0:42:15 > 0:42:19Yes, absolutely. So, let's have a look at the scores.
0:42:19 > 0:42:24And in first place, with -1 point, it's Gyles.
0:42:24 > 0:42:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:30 > 0:42:33In second place, with -5, Alan.
0:42:33 > 0:42:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:39 > 0:42:41And in third place, with -8, Victoria.
0:42:41 > 0:42:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:46 > 0:42:48-21...
0:42:48 > 0:42:49Jimmy!
0:42:49 > 0:42:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:59 > 0:43:02So, it's thanks to Victoria, Jimmy, Gyles and Alan,
0:43:02 > 0:43:04and I'll leave you with this - in the 1950s,
0:43:04 > 0:43:07the American philosophy professor Sidney Morgenbesser
0:43:07 > 0:43:11went to a lecture by the English linguistics expert JL Austin,
0:43:11 > 0:43:15who claimed that, while some languages use double negatives
0:43:15 > 0:43:16to make a positive,
0:43:16 > 0:43:19no language uses a double positive to make a negative.
0:43:19 > 0:43:21And from the back of the room
0:43:21 > 0:43:25came Morgenbesser's distinctive New York drawl, "Yeah, yeah".
0:43:26 > 0:43:27Goodnight.