0:00:22 > 0:00:24APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Good evening! Happy Christmas! Joyeux Noel,
0:00:35 > 0:00:37and welcome to QI.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40The turkey is in the oven, this Queen's speech is on YuleTube
0:00:40 > 0:00:43and it's time to see what's under the tree.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46You'll never guess who - Josh Widdicombe.
0:00:46 > 0:00:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:49 > 0:00:53A...bit of a know-all - Susan Calman.
0:00:53 > 0:00:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:57 > 0:01:00X marks the spot - Matt Lucas.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04Hello! It's me! It's actually me!
0:01:04 > 0:01:08And a Christmas cracker - Alan Davies.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10- Hello. - WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:14 > 0:01:18Right, let's hear their festive buzzers. Josh goes...
0:01:18 > 0:01:20# Dashing through the snow... #
0:01:20 > 0:01:22- Susan goes... - # In a one-horse open sleigh... #
0:01:22 > 0:01:24LAUGHTER Matt goes...
0:01:24 > 0:01:26# O'er the fields we go... #
0:01:26 > 0:01:27And Alan goes...
0:01:27 > 0:01:30- CHILD'S VOICE: - Are we nearly there yet?
0:01:30 > 0:01:32LAUGHTER
0:01:32 > 0:01:36So, God aften, velkomst to QI, or Glaedelig Jul.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Yes indeed, this year we have gone all Danish.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40The panel are dressed as nisse,
0:01:40 > 0:01:44which is the traditional Danish Christmas elf, and I have to say,
0:01:44 > 0:01:45this is a very Danish thing,
0:01:45 > 0:01:47we have a little competition on Christmas Eve...
0:01:47 > 0:01:49- Ooh.- ..to see who can find the whole almond.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51LAUGHTER
0:01:51 > 0:01:54It's not fun when you actually play it,
0:01:54 > 0:01:58but the winner gets a marzipan pig. There we are.
0:01:58 > 0:01:59Isn't that fantastic? LAUGHTER
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Oh, yes, please.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Can I ask, where am I going to have to search for the full almond?
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Don't you worry about the almond, but the prize today,
0:02:08 > 0:02:10- the marzipan pig, is rather fine.- It is.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14So, we shall be doing that and goodness knows what else besides.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Now, a recent survey asked the British public
0:02:16 > 0:02:19what Christmas tradition should be preserved.
0:02:19 > 0:02:20Number three, paper decorations.
0:02:20 > 0:02:25Number two, carols, but number one was parlour games.
0:02:25 > 0:02:30- Oh, no.- Right? Yes, so, let's try a parlour game to get us started.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33One Victorian parlour game was called taboo.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36You were asked a question and had to answer without using
0:02:36 > 0:02:38a taboo letter of the alphabet.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Our taboo letter tonight is obviously N,
0:02:40 > 0:02:43so please answer the following questions
0:02:43 > 0:02:45without using the letter N.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49Matt, name a tasty yellow fruit
0:02:49 > 0:02:52grown mostly in the Caribbean and Central America.
0:02:52 > 0:02:56In the Philippines its name has been corrupted to bayabus.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59Is it, um, a ba-a-a?
0:02:59 > 0:03:02LAUGHTER
0:03:02 > 0:03:04I'm trying to think what's nice and yellow. Crisps.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06- I'm going for crisps. - LAUGHTER
0:03:06 > 0:03:10- Yes, as a tasty yellow fruit.- Yes. - So, no, the answer is guava...
0:03:10 > 0:03:13- Ah.- ..is the answer we were... - Oh, there is an answer?
0:03:13 > 0:03:16There is an answer! LAUGHTER
0:03:16 > 0:03:19I've been playing this game wrong for years.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21- It isn't banana at all. The answer is guava...- Guava.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23..is the fruit that we were looking for.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26In the Philippines, it has been corrupted to bayabus.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29- Do you know what the Filipinos call bananas?- No.
0:03:29 > 0:03:30LAUGHTER
0:03:30 > 0:03:34- They call them bananas. I could've got you with that one...- Yeah.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37- ..had you fallen for it. - So, Sandi, even in counter...- Yes.
0:03:37 > 0:03:41- ..in cross-examination...- Yes. - ..the rules of the game still apply.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43- No, just the answer, just the answer.- Just the answer.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46But a supplementary counts as well, cos you said you could've got...
0:03:46 > 0:03:48It will do with you. Here's your question...
0:03:48 > 0:03:49LAUGHTER
0:03:49 > 0:03:52- Susa Calma. - LAUGHTER
0:03:52 > 0:03:56Susan, what do you call a woman who looked after Victorian children
0:03:56 > 0:03:58whose mothers were social equals
0:03:58 > 0:04:01but couldn't be arsed to do the job themselves?
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Well, I would call them the help.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06LAUGHTER
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Which is nice, but not the correct term.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Well, then I would call them...
0:04:10 > 0:04:12SUSAN GIGGLES
0:04:12 > 0:04:17You've got such a gaze, Sandi! It's like the eye of Sauron.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19LAUGHTER
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Sorry, but Sauron's got an N in it.
0:04:21 > 0:04:22Oh, come on!
0:04:22 > 0:04:25I would've said the nanny, or a governess...
0:04:25 > 0:04:27- Oh...- Yes. - ALARM RINGS
0:04:29 > 0:04:31- I was essentially cajoled into that.- You were.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33So, not nanny, obviously,
0:04:33 > 0:04:35because how many Ns have you got there, Susan?
0:04:35 > 0:04:36- At least two.- At least two.
0:04:36 > 0:04:40Also, not social equal, a nanny.
0:04:40 > 0:04:41It's au pair.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43- JOSH:- Oh, no... - Au pair.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Oh, Josh! Don't start with your,
0:04:45 > 0:04:48"Oh, it was on the tip of my tongue there"!
0:04:48 > 0:04:51- It's been around since the 1840s...- Has it?
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Well, it literally means social equal, au pair.
0:04:53 > 0:04:54- Does it?- Yes.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57"Have you met our social equal? She's really, really fit."
0:04:57 > 0:04:58LAUGHTER
0:05:01 > 0:05:03"He's only run off with the social equal!"
0:05:03 > 0:05:05LAUGHTER
0:05:08 > 0:05:09So, nobody doing very well,
0:05:09 > 0:05:11but I'm relying on Josh to get this one right.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13- Watch and learn.- OK, here we go...
0:05:13 > 0:05:14SUSAN LAUGHS
0:05:16 > 0:05:19..what do you call a Roman Catholic religious woman
0:05:19 > 0:05:23who has taken simple vows of poverty, chastity and obedience?
0:05:25 > 0:05:26Is it the au pair?
0:05:26 > 0:05:28LAUGHTER
0:05:28 > 0:05:29No, it's guava.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31LAUGHTER
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Oh, it's difficult, isn't it, now? Yeah.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Yeah, not so quick with the answers now, are we?
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Tracy?
0:05:41 > 0:05:42LAUGHTER
0:05:42 > 0:05:45- Um, oh, go on, then. Nun.- Nun...
0:05:45 > 0:05:48- KLAXON - Yeah.- No.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52- No.- So, here's the thing, the answer is a sister.
0:05:52 > 0:05:57So a nun has taken solemn vows, but a sister has taken simple vows.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00It's a technical difference to do with the repudiation of property.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04So a nun's SOLEMN vow repudiates property absolutely.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08A sister's SIMPLE vow allows her to reserve an interest.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10LAUGHTER
0:06:10 > 0:06:13She's hedging her bets, Josh. Hedging her bets, that one.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15- Right, Alan.- Yes.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19Name any of the digits in the common emergency telephone number.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25It's like you can see the brain working.
0:06:25 > 0:06:29- Common emergency telephone number...- Yeah.
0:06:29 > 0:06:30What is that?
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Is that when you call the operator
0:06:32 > 0:06:35and you say, "Is that the operator on the line?
0:06:35 > 0:06:37"Get off quick - there's a train coming."
0:06:37 > 0:06:38Wahey! HE GROANS
0:06:38 > 0:06:40LAUGHTER
0:06:40 > 0:06:43111. Oh, no, that's got Ns in...
0:06:43 > 0:06:44KLAXON
0:06:47 > 0:06:49- Oh...- So, what's the difference?
0:06:49 > 0:06:52- There's an emergency number which is?- 999.- 999.
0:06:52 > 0:06:53KLAXON
0:06:53 > 0:06:55They're great guys, they're great guys.
0:06:55 > 0:06:56- LAUGHTER - Brutal.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00- But the common emergency telephone number is 112.- Is it?- Yes.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02So you can use it on a mobile phone, even if it's locked
0:07:02 > 0:07:05- or you haven't got a SIM card... - It has got Ns in, 112.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Well, I asked you to name any of the digits in the common emergency...
0:07:08 > 0:07:13- Oh, come on!- So you could've said two.- Oh, my word.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15INDISTINCT WAILING
0:07:15 > 0:07:16Two.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18LAUGHTER
0:07:18 > 0:07:22Well, it's Christmas, so Alan wins that one. There we are!
0:07:22 > 0:07:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:27 > 0:07:31OK, we can dispense with our nisse hats, I think, for the moment.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34We might have some more parlour games a little bit later,
0:07:34 > 0:07:35you'll be glad to hear.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Meanwhile, who are Spoon Licker, Doorway Sniffer,
0:07:38 > 0:07:41Sausage Swiper and Meat Hook?
0:07:41 > 0:07:42# ..the snow... #
0:07:42 > 0:07:45- Yes, Josh? - Is that how you refer to us four?
0:07:45 > 0:07:47LAUGHTER
0:07:54 > 0:07:55And, if so, name names.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Yes!
0:07:57 > 0:07:59If you were to have to describe us, Sandi,
0:07:59 > 0:08:01which one of us would be the Sausage Swiper?
0:08:01 > 0:08:04- LAUGHTER - # We go... #
0:08:04 > 0:08:07LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:09 > 0:08:12I was being so careful, Matt.
0:08:12 > 0:08:13Are they reindeer?
0:08:13 > 0:08:16No, they're not reindeer, but it is obviously a Christmassy...
0:08:16 > 0:08:18- I think I know the answer, kind of.- Yes, go.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20I think it's something to do with Iceland and Christmas.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22It is something to do with Iceland and Christmas.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Does anybody have any ideas what it might be? Josh, yes?
0:08:24 > 0:08:27Is that the food they sell in Iceland at Christmas?
0:08:27 > 0:08:29LAUGHTER
0:08:29 > 0:08:33I think whoever got Doorway Sniffer hasn't gone...
0:08:33 > 0:08:36- Ooh.- Yes?- Is it the nativity people?
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Yes, those are all the people who turned up to meet Jesus(!)
0:08:39 > 0:08:41LAUGHTER
0:08:45 > 0:08:48- I'm not going to lie to you!- Yes.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50When I said it, I thought... "I'm right!"
0:08:50 > 0:08:52LAUGHTER
0:08:52 > 0:08:56And now I've never felt so stupid in my life.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58It is what I call a random Scandinavian fact,
0:08:58 > 0:08:59it's a Randy Scandy.
0:08:59 > 0:09:05These are four of the Icelandic 13 Santas.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09They are called the Yule Lads. There they are, there's a Yule Lad.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11And each of them leaves a gift for the children
0:09:11 > 0:09:13on successive nights, starting on December the 12th.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16And there are some fantastic names, there's also Pot Scraper,
0:09:16 > 0:09:19and Bowl Licker, Sheep Cot Clod...
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Window Peeper, I worry about... LAUGHTER
0:09:23 > 0:09:26It's more of a gift for him, really, I think.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29In Scandinavia, we have this as the symbol.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31We call it julebuk, the jule goat.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34There's a Swedish town called Gavle,
0:09:34 > 0:09:36and since 1966, they have built
0:09:36 > 0:09:41a 42-foot-high jule goat of straw every year.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45In that time, it's been kicked to pieces, it's had its legs removed,
0:09:45 > 0:09:49it's been hit by a car, it's been damaged by fireworks.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52In 1968, one couple climbed up inside and had sex inside it.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54LAUGHTER
0:09:54 > 0:09:57In 2010, somebody tried to steal it with a helicopter.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00LAUGHTER
0:10:00 > 0:10:01Unsuccessfully.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05It's been destroyed by arson 34 times.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Once by firing flaming arrows at it.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11That's the Christmas spirit, I think.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Anybody know what Santa does in the summer?
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Ibiza.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17- LAUGHTER - He gets bang on it.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23He does. He rides one of those big giant bananas in the sea.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25They're called guavas.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28LAUGHTER
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Any ideas? What does Santa do in the summer?
0:10:30 > 0:10:34- I've read Raymond Briggs' Santa Goes On Holiday.- Right.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36But I don't think that was factual.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38- Do you not?- No.- How strange.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41In conclusion, no, I don't know.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43LAUGHTER
0:10:43 > 0:10:46That's the finish to all your GCSEs.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49"In conclusion, I have no idea."
0:10:49 > 0:10:52It happens in the very best country in the world.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54- Denmark, of course. - Denmark, obviously.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58- He goes to the World Santa Claus Congress.- Ah!
0:10:58 > 0:11:01It happens in July every year in Denmark,
0:11:01 > 0:11:02in an amusement park called Bakken.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Julemandskongres. It takes three days.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07I have no idea what they do.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Ho ho ho ho. Ho-ho ho.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Ho ho ho!
0:11:14 > 0:11:15Bloody kids.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:22 > 0:11:24The only real rule is that
0:11:24 > 0:11:27the participants are not allowed to smoke or drink whilst in uniform.
0:11:27 > 0:11:28There's one bloke there
0:11:28 > 0:11:31who's just a bloke who's got a beard and someone's put a hat on him.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34"I'm not in this! I don't want to be in this!"
0:11:35 > 0:11:38What's with the archbishop, trying to bring religion into Christmas!
0:11:40 > 0:11:42- They get everywhere, don't they?- Yeah!
0:11:42 > 0:11:45You don't suppose that's St Nicholas, do you?
0:11:45 > 0:11:50My...goat. Put my goat away. Not something you say every day.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52What's the worst thing about Christmas lights?
0:11:52 > 0:11:55- Oh, they get terribly tangled up, don't they?- They do.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57The worst thing I've encountered about Christmas lights
0:11:57 > 0:11:59is they get in the way of the remote control.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01They do, they do interfere with your Wi-Fi.
0:12:01 > 0:12:02- JOSH:- Do they? - Yes.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05The microwaves which come from your Wi-Fi router are quite weak
0:12:05 > 0:12:07and they can get blocked by stronger signals,
0:12:07 > 0:12:10and indeed the Christmas lights would be a stronger signal.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14The man across the road from me changes my channel on my television.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16You must ask him not to sit next to you.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18- LAUGHTER - No!
0:12:18 > 0:12:20He sits across the road and he changes my channel.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23- SCOTTISH ACCENT: - "You're not watching that shite."
0:12:23 > 0:12:25And he goes, click!
0:12:25 > 0:12:26"Highland games for you."
0:12:26 > 0:12:28LAUGHTER
0:12:32 > 0:12:35How small is this road that you can see each other so easily?
0:12:35 > 0:12:39- It's just a flat... - You live in a little model village.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Susan Calman from Toy Town.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45"Stop turning me telly over, you bastard!"
0:12:49 > 0:12:52You forgot to open the little curtains.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:04 > 0:13:06So, it is the Wi-Fi, but that's not the first thing on the list.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09It's environmental cost, is the real thing.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12It's incredible. So the US Energy Department,
0:13:12 > 0:13:15they did a study in 2008, and over the whole of the United States
0:13:15 > 0:13:20a staggering 6.63 billion kilowatt hours of electricity use,
0:13:20 > 0:13:26so that is twice as much electricity as Cambodia uses in a year.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29- Just for the Christmas lights.- It's very dark there, though, isn't it?
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Cambodia? LAUGHTER
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Well, it's also more than the annual use in lots of countries -
0:13:34 > 0:13:37- Ethiopia, El Salvador, Tanzania... - I don't like, really...
0:13:37 > 0:13:39- Don't like what? - They go a bit overboard, don't they?
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Oh, when they do the whole house it makes me crazy.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44- What I don't mind is a moving reindeer.- Yes.
0:13:44 > 0:13:45LAUGHTER
0:13:48 > 0:13:51- I don't mind that.- So you work on that impression all year
0:13:51 > 0:13:54- and then you bring it out at Christmas.- What's this? What's this?
0:13:54 > 0:13:55LAUGHTER
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Moving reindeer! Every year.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Christmas lights are also responsible
0:13:59 > 0:14:01for a great many injuries, so...
0:14:01 > 0:14:03- Tripping up, burning... - Oh, my goodness. Yes.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06I mean, he's gone the wrong side up a ladder.
0:14:06 > 0:14:07LAUGHTER
0:14:07 > 0:14:11He's only got himself to blame. This is nothing to do with the lights.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14He's looked at the manual and just got it the wrong way round.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17LAUGHTER
0:14:18 > 0:14:21- "This ladder is shit!" - LAUGHTER
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Look what's in the front of frame - it's a guava. Look.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26LAUGHTER
0:14:27 > 0:14:29I like that ladder impersonation.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31That could double as a reindeer doing backstroke.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33That's very good.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35I can't wait till next year on BBC Two.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Alan Davies' Christmas Impersonations.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40LAUGHTER
0:14:41 > 0:14:44So, lots of people injured putting up Christmas lights.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47- The average victim is a 55-year-old man.- Well.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Is he the one that lives across from Susan?
0:14:49 > 0:14:51LAUGHTER
0:14:51 > 0:14:54And now for a bit of a Danish Christmas parlour game.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Or rather we're going to turn it into a parlour game.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59So, there is a Danish tradition... We celebrate Christmas Eve,
0:14:59 > 0:15:03and then we all hold hands and we sing standing around the tree.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05So we're going to give this a go,
0:15:05 > 0:15:08but we're going to do it in a very QI manner, and in order to help us,
0:15:08 > 0:15:11please welcome, from Festival Of The Spoken Nerd, Helen and Steve.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14APPLAUSE
0:15:18 > 0:15:19OK.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24So, the really important thing, Helen,
0:15:24 > 0:15:27is that we have to hold hands and sing. OK, are you happy with this?
0:15:27 > 0:15:30- All right.- This experiment works best if you hold hands and sing.- OK.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32But we're going to start off telling you what we've got.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35- Over here I've got an amplifier.- Right.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Going into that is some traditional Danish Christmas music.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Thank you very much.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42- Over there, another amplifier. Coming out of that is a speaker.- OK.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45And normally you'd use a speaker cable to connect the two.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48- I've taken that speaker cable and I've cut it in half.- Half?
0:15:48 > 0:15:52- Is that exposed wiring, Helen? - Yeah. But we've made it safe.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55- I would say don't try this at home.- OK.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57What I need to do is I need to give you that bare wire...
0:15:57 > 0:15:59- It really is perfectly OK? All right.- Yes, absolutely fine.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01We have measured the current going through this,
0:16:01 > 0:16:03it's either so low that our meter can't read it,
0:16:03 > 0:16:06- or our meter's broken. - LAUGHTER
0:16:08 > 0:16:11So can I get you to hold that bare wire? So you've got bare wires...
0:16:11 > 0:16:12I love you, Mum.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14LAUGHTER
0:16:14 > 0:16:16I just need you to touch the bare wires...
0:16:16 > 0:16:17It's seriously OK to do this?
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Absolutely. Just touch them together.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21GENTLE FESTIVE MUSIC
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Ah, that's lovely. That's a song we sing when we go round the tree.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Um...
0:16:25 > 0:16:26OK. And if I let go?
0:16:26 > 0:16:29Everyone else's whelm is very much under.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31LAUGHTER Yes, cos so far
0:16:31 > 0:16:33all I've done is connect up the speaker wire.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37What I can do is - Steve, if you could give that to Josh
0:16:37 > 0:16:39- and I will take this round to Matt.- OK.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43Now, Matt, if you could take out your hand and grasp...
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Don't, Josh!
0:16:45 > 0:16:47LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:16:47 > 0:16:48No! OK.
0:16:51 > 0:16:52- OK?- No! No, it's fine.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Ah! No, it's fine.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56LAUGHTER
0:16:56 > 0:16:58This is where you get to hold hands.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Let's find out if it works. So, if you can link up.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02I've got huge issues with human contact.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06So, Matt, you hold Susan's hand.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09My hair's already fallen out, but for you guys, who knows?
0:17:09 > 0:17:11- It's the spirit of Christmas... - STATIC NOISE
0:17:11 > 0:17:14GENTLE FESTIVE MUSIC
0:17:14 > 0:17:16APPLAUSE
0:17:24 > 0:17:25Susan was looking very sceptical.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28MUSIC RESUMES
0:17:28 > 0:17:30APPLAUSE
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Have you got any "Wham!"?
0:17:36 > 0:17:39LAUGHTER Why does it work?
0:17:39 > 0:17:43Humans are about 70% water, and that means your skin's about 70% water,
0:17:43 > 0:17:45but water's not a very good conductor of electricity,
0:17:45 > 0:17:48but salty water is, so the sweatier you are...
0:17:48 > 0:17:51the better this works.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54That was absolutely fantastic.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56The Festival Of The Spoken Nerd!
0:17:56 > 0:17:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Scary, that was actually quite scary.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07I'm telling my mum that you made me do that.
0:18:07 > 0:18:08LAUGHTER
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Right, here is another piece of Christmas music
0:18:10 > 0:18:12that you may be more familiar with.
0:18:12 > 0:18:17GARBLED PIANO VERSION OF ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS
0:18:23 > 0:18:26OK. Quick question for the audience.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30Hands up, audience, how many of you could hear the words to that tune?
0:18:30 > 0:18:31- JOSH:- You liars.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Quite a few! Quite a few could hear the words.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39- Could anybody on the panel hear the words?- I could hear, yeah, yeah.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41So, here's the thing - the music being played is a MIDI file,
0:18:41 > 0:18:44so it consists only of musical notes.
0:18:44 > 0:18:45There are no human voices at all,
0:18:45 > 0:18:48and people who haven't heard the song before will hear it that way,
0:18:48 > 0:18:50they'll hear it just as a series of notes.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52But anybody who has heard the Mariah Carey vocal version
0:18:52 > 0:18:55will tend to hear her voice mixed in with the track
0:18:55 > 0:18:58- even though it isn't actually really there.- Oh, wow.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01It's extraordinary. It's something called top-down processing.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04So what happens is the brain uses information that it already has
0:19:04 > 0:19:08to try and interpret the world, and there is a template in your head,
0:19:08 > 0:19:10in the heads of those people who put their hands up,
0:19:10 > 0:19:12for that particular song, and the brain matched it to the new sounds,
0:19:12 > 0:19:14filling in the non-existent vocals.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Same principle as ghosts.
0:19:16 > 0:19:17Is that right?
0:19:19 > 0:19:21LAUGHTER We think we see somebody?
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Yeah, you think, "Oh, there's something there.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25"Ugh... Oh, it's a person."
0:19:25 > 0:19:28- It's not.- It's not just a light.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31It's usually a dressing gown on the back of the door.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Now, what's this Christmassy noise?
0:19:34 > 0:19:36INDISTINCT SPLUTTERING SOUND
0:19:37 > 0:19:38# We go... #
0:19:38 > 0:19:42- Matt?- That is after the Christmas meal when you've fallen asleep...
0:19:42 > 0:19:43LAUGHTER
0:19:43 > 0:19:45That's Grandpa farting, isn't it? Let's be honest.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47KLAXON AND LAUGHTER
0:19:47 > 0:19:50APPLAUSE
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Thank you.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57- It isn't that. - That's the sound of Santa Clause
0:19:57 > 0:19:59in a particularly tight chimney.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01LAUGHTER That would be bad, wouldn't it?
0:20:01 > 0:20:03- It's a pony. - JOSH:- Is it a reindeer?
0:20:03 > 0:20:06- It's a pony or a reindeer. - You think it's a reindeer?
0:20:06 > 0:20:08- It is a creature. - It's the death throes of a turkey.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10LAUGHTER
0:20:10 > 0:20:13You are the closest, you are the closest at the moment. It is a bird,
0:20:13 > 0:20:16- but it's a bird that might appear...- A robin?- ..in a song?
0:20:16 > 0:20:17- 12 Days Of...- Partridge.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20It is a partridge. It is, absolutely.
0:20:20 > 0:20:21It is the sound...
0:20:21 > 0:20:23- So, I...- Rrrr!
0:20:25 > 0:20:27- Do you want to hear it one more time?- Yes.- Oh, yes.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30SPLUTTERING SOUND
0:20:30 > 0:20:32- That is the sound of a partridge... - Farting.- ..taking off.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34- Oh, taking off? Oh!- Yeah.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36So here is the extraordinary thing -
0:20:36 > 0:20:38it comes from the Greek word... ALAN BLOWS A RASPBERRY
0:20:38 > 0:20:40LAUGHTER
0:20:41 > 0:20:44That's how they get themselves going.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47- Go... - ALAN BLOWS A RASPBERRY
0:20:47 > 0:20:48LAUGHTER
0:20:48 > 0:20:51So here's the weird thing, Alan, it comes from the Greek, perdesthai,
0:20:51 > 0:20:54- which means to break wind. - Shut the front door.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58Partridge, the word partridge means to break wind.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01And it gets its name from the rapid fluttering noise
0:21:01 > 0:21:02it makes when it flies away.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04- ALAN BLOWS A SMALL RASPBERRY - Partridge...
0:21:04 > 0:21:06LAUGHTER
0:21:06 > 0:21:09The origin of the lyrics to 12 Days Of Christmas are lost in time.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12The possibility is that we got the French wrong.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15It's one of those wonderful mistranslation things.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17So, the French for a partridge is une perdrix,
0:21:17 > 0:21:19and we mistook it for a pear tree.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22We should actually be singing, "A partridge, a partridge."
0:21:22 > 0:21:23Did you know that the Scottish
0:21:23 > 0:21:25have a different version of The 12 Days Of Christmas?
0:21:25 > 0:21:28- What is it? I've never heard this. - Early 19th century.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: The King sent his lady...
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Don't do the voice - that's racist.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34LAUGHTER
0:21:34 > 0:21:36IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: The King sent his lady on the first Yule day
0:21:36 > 0:21:37a papingo-aye.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40- A what?- A papingo-aye. It's a parrot.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42- Oh...- Yeah, Scottish for parrot. Wha learns my carol...
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Sorry, can I just... A Scottish parrot? Can I just...
0:21:45 > 0:21:47LAUGHTER
0:21:47 > 0:21:49I've lived there a long time, and I'm sounding more Scottish,
0:21:49 > 0:21:50and there's nae parrots...
0:21:50 > 0:21:52LAUGHTER
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Haud the bus! There's a parrot over there.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58You can get them in a pet shop. They look a bit like pigeons.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Papingo-aye.
0:22:00 > 0:22:01Let's see what else they had.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Wha learns my carol and carries it away?
0:22:03 > 0:22:06And you also get an Arabian baboon.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Three hinds a-merry hunting.
0:22:09 > 0:22:10And three stalks o' merry corn.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12- It's quite merry all the way through.- Right.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16I have...NEVER heard of that.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19A goose that was grey, three starlings, three goldspinks,
0:22:19 > 0:22:21a bull that was brown.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24- It's like that conveyor-belt round on The Generation Game.- It is.
0:22:24 > 0:22:25LAUGHTER
0:22:25 > 0:22:27The Faroe Islands also have their own version,
0:22:27 > 0:22:30and pretty much you get one feather and 14 rounds of cheese.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33LAUGHTER That's pretty much it.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36- Who likes sprouts?- I like sprouts. - Do you?- Yeah, they're lovely.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39Well, I feel like something happened with sprouts, didn't it?
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Like, a few years ago, people start pan-frying them now
0:22:41 > 0:22:43and putting sort of walnuts and...
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Nicely caramelised with loads of butter on them.
0:22:46 > 0:22:50Put some walnuts, some maple syrup, some ice cream.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52- LAUGHTER - Some...
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Anything to avoid the taste...
0:22:54 > 0:22:56- LAUGHTER - Kit Kat. Some After Eights.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Yeah!
0:22:58 > 0:23:02- Some Matchmakers. - Stuck in them like that.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04- They're lovely for breakfast, sprouts.- Ugh!
0:23:04 > 0:23:06- JOSH:- What?! - Sprouts and eggs for breakfast.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08No. You've ruined my Christmas.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10You have gone too far!
0:23:11 > 0:23:14- What is wrong with you people?! - You've ruined it.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16You're willing to believe we've got parrots,
0:23:16 > 0:23:19but, oh, sprouts and eggs!
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Sprouts floating in Irn-Bru.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23LAUGHTER
0:23:24 > 0:23:27- Anybody remember the great sprout drought? 2010.- No!
0:23:27 > 0:23:32There was bad weather, and they went to £9.55 per kilo.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Only 31p per kilo cheaper than turkey!
0:23:35 > 0:23:38- So you had to choose... - Is a kilo a lot?
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Cos I did my home shopping the other day
0:23:40 > 0:23:41and I ordered one mushroom by mistake.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44LAUGHTER
0:23:44 > 0:23:49I felt so bad because it arrived in a separate bag.
0:23:50 > 0:23:54You can just imagine the guy going up the aisle, going...
0:23:56 > 0:23:58LAUGHTER
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Did you write how many grams...?
0:24:00 > 0:24:05I thought it was a packet, so I just put... I just put one.
0:24:05 > 0:24:06Did you eat the mushroom?
0:24:06 > 0:24:08I mean, when it came to, like, making dinner,
0:24:08 > 0:24:10did you go, well, I'll put the mushroom in...
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Tell you what it's good with - sprouts and eggs.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18I ate the mushroom quickly because, in the same shopping,
0:24:18 > 0:24:21I thought I'd ordered four onions,
0:24:21 > 0:24:24and I ordered four sacks of onions.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26LAUGHTER
0:24:26 > 0:24:30- And I had to get rid of the onions...- So what did you do?
0:24:30 > 0:24:32..before my wife came home.
0:24:32 > 0:24:37So I went down the close in my flat, offering people bags of onions.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39And pretended it was a Scottish tradition.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42"Oh, it's Onion Day!"
0:24:43 > 0:24:45- Did you tell your wife?- No.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47But does she watch this show?
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Ahh...
0:24:49 > 0:24:51LAUGHTER
0:24:51 > 0:24:52You can change the channel and say,
0:24:52 > 0:24:55"That'll be the guy over the road, he's always..."
0:24:55 > 0:24:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:02 > 0:25:06Time for another parlour game! Are you there, Moriarty?
0:25:06 > 0:25:07Who knows how to play this?
0:25:07 > 0:25:10- You're blindfolded, I'm guessing.- Yes, you are.
0:25:10 > 0:25:14You're blindfolded and you're as tall as a newspaper.
0:25:14 > 0:25:18This is a British one which I frankly don't understand. OK.
0:25:18 > 0:25:23So, you are blindfolded, you hold each other's left hands,
0:25:23 > 0:25:25one of you shouts out, "Are you there, Moriarty?"
0:25:25 > 0:25:26The other one shouts, "Yes!"
0:25:26 > 0:25:28And the one who said, "Are you there, Moriarty?"
0:25:28 > 0:25:30then tries to hit them with the newspaper.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34- I'll be the shouter. - OK. You take turns, you take turns.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Oh, all right, OK.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38I mean, obviously I'm going to have to hit the target,
0:25:38 > 0:25:40but I'm not sure how comfortable I am
0:25:40 > 0:25:42hitting a woman on national television.
0:25:42 > 0:25:43It's Susan, you'll be all right.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45LAUGHTER
0:25:46 > 0:25:47Right...
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Just think about the man over the road!
0:25:49 > 0:25:51- Think about the man over the road!- Oh, thanks(!)
0:25:51 > 0:25:55- Left hands held.- Give me your hand. - Left hand.- Left hands held.
0:25:55 > 0:26:00- OK, so, Matt...- Yes?- You're going to say, "Are you there, Moriarty?"
0:26:00 > 0:26:02and, Susan, you're going to say, "Yes,"
0:26:02 > 0:26:05- and then, Matt, you're going to try and hit her.- OK.- OK, go.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Are you there, Moriarty?
0:26:07 > 0:26:08Yes!
0:26:08 > 0:26:09LAUGHTER
0:26:11 > 0:26:14- Do I try again? - You try again, that's it.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Sorry... Go on, Susan.
0:26:16 > 0:26:20- Uh...are...? Are you there, Moriarty?- No, I'm not. No.
0:26:20 > 0:26:21LAUGHTER
0:26:21 > 0:26:24No, I've left! Ow! Ow!
0:26:24 > 0:26:26- Do you know what?- Yeah?
0:26:26 > 0:26:28I'd love the idea that someone has turned on this
0:26:28 > 0:26:29for the first time and gone...
0:26:29 > 0:26:31LAUGHTER
0:26:32 > 0:26:35"It's really changed without Stephen, hasn't it?"
0:26:35 > 0:26:36LAUGHTER
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Uncle Stephen would never have allowed this.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41- SUSAN:- Ow!
0:26:41 > 0:26:44I know you're there!
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Ow! Ow!
0:26:46 > 0:26:50This is good, this is good. I've found her, so I don't need to...
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Right, you two, come on, let's have a go.
0:26:52 > 0:26:53So, put your blindfold on.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56I've got quite a big head, so I'm not sure it's going to fit round.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58Oh, there we go.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01- Do we stand up?- So... No...- Ow! - LAUGHTER
0:27:01 > 0:27:03I think Alan's won.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06So now hold left hands.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08I'm not going near him, he's an animal!
0:27:08 > 0:27:11- Hold left hands. OK.- Got you.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14- So, Josh shouts, "Are you there, Moriarty?"- Are you there, Moriarty?
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Ow.
0:27:16 > 0:27:17Ow!
0:27:17 > 0:27:20- No. Alan...- What?- So, you have to say...- How am I doing?
0:27:20 > 0:27:23- LAUGHTER SUSAN:- You missed!
0:27:23 > 0:27:24Let me just say it again.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Josh is going to shout, "Are you there, Moriarty?"
0:27:26 > 0:27:29Alan's going to shout, "Yes", to indicate his location,
0:27:29 > 0:27:32and then he's going to try and escape Josh hitting him.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34OK? Right, Josh.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37- Er, are you there, Moriarty? - Yes.- Now, try and escape.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39LAUGHTER
0:27:39 > 0:27:41- Just one hit!- Ow!
0:27:41 > 0:27:43LAUGHTER
0:27:43 > 0:27:45I don't want to... Ow!
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Ow!
0:27:52 > 0:27:55LAUGHTER CONTINUES
0:27:57 > 0:27:58No!
0:28:01 > 0:28:04APPLAUSE
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Josh, you were rubbish at that game. You were rubbish.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16I don't want to turn this into a Carry On film,
0:28:16 > 0:28:18but mine wasn't as rigid as Alan's.
0:28:18 > 0:28:19LAUGHTER
0:28:20 > 0:28:22I'm not sure that was the problem...
0:28:22 > 0:28:25I think the... The overall winner of that is Alan.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27APPLAUSE
0:28:27 > 0:28:30This is great. Are you all right?
0:28:32 > 0:28:36Now, how did the British ruin Christmas for everybody?
0:28:36 > 0:28:40Did they invent a game in which I get beaten up with a newspaper?
0:28:40 > 0:28:43LAUGHTER It is to do with a deplorable custom
0:28:43 > 0:28:46that the British invented around Christmas.
0:28:46 > 0:28:47- Crackers.- Secret Santa.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49Sort of in the gift area.
0:28:49 > 0:28:52Where you have to give presents to people even if you hate them,
0:28:52 > 0:28:54like your nieces and nephews.
0:28:54 > 0:28:55No, sorry...
0:28:55 > 0:28:58- Giving presents on the day? - It's a gift, but not for you family.
0:28:58 > 0:29:00Charity! Charity!
0:29:00 > 0:29:02- JOSH:- Milkman! Postman!
0:29:02 > 0:29:04Milkman and postman is exactly right.
0:29:04 > 0:29:08It's the deplorable custom of giving tips to tradesmen at Christmas.
0:29:08 > 0:29:10It used to be called the Christmas pot.
0:29:10 > 0:29:13I forgot that this has become very right-wing.
0:29:13 > 0:29:15LAUGHTER
0:29:15 > 0:29:17No, it was the Americans who complained.
0:29:17 > 0:29:20So, in the 1860s, they complained that it was turning America
0:29:20 > 0:29:22- into the land of the fee. - Well, that's ironic!
0:29:22 > 0:29:25You go to America, you have to pay them to accept your tip.
0:29:25 > 0:29:27I mean, all they want is to be tipped.
0:29:27 > 0:29:30You have to tip them for bloody everything.
0:29:30 > 0:29:33- It was thought to be deplorable in the 1860s.- They've got over that.
0:29:34 > 0:29:37It was called loathsome and corrupt form of roguery.
0:29:37 > 0:29:40In the 1890s, Christmas was described as the worst time of year
0:29:40 > 0:29:43because of excessive tipping.
0:29:43 > 0:29:44You were expected to tip everybody.
0:29:44 > 0:29:48The butcher's boy, the librarian, the turncock.
0:29:48 > 0:29:52- Was the person who turned on the water mains for you.- Of course.
0:29:52 > 0:29:54In Denmark, we're much more honest about tipping.
0:29:54 > 0:29:58It's called drinking money. Drikkepenge.
0:29:58 > 0:30:00It's the same in French, I think. It's pourboire.
0:30:00 > 0:30:03You know what the tip is for. It's for somebody to have a drink.
0:30:03 > 0:30:05And the Germans too, I think. Trinkgeld.
0:30:05 > 0:30:07The British ruined Christmas for everybody
0:30:07 > 0:30:09because of their legendary generosity.
0:30:09 > 0:30:11LAUGHTER
0:30:11 > 0:30:15What does a Siberian getaway car look like?
0:30:15 > 0:30:17- Some sort of a sled-y thing? - JOSH:- Is it huskies?
0:30:17 > 0:30:20- It is a sled thing. It's not huskies. Reindeer?- Cats!
0:30:20 > 0:30:22- It is reindeer. JOSH:- "Cats"!
0:30:22 > 0:30:23I wish it'd been cats!
0:30:25 > 0:30:27Forget the last thing I said! Reindeer!
0:30:27 > 0:30:30You were calling us cats, weren't you?
0:30:30 > 0:30:32- Reindeer cats.- Yeah! - It's reindeer cats!
0:30:32 > 0:30:34Thanks, Josh.
0:30:34 > 0:30:36Apparently, the local indigenous population
0:30:36 > 0:30:38are very, very skilled at reindeer driving,
0:30:38 > 0:30:42and reindeer sleighs are faster over snow than police snowmobiles.
0:30:42 > 0:30:46In fact, in 2014, the Moscow Times reported there were plans afoot
0:30:46 > 0:30:48for a police reindeer division...
0:30:48 > 0:30:49to tackle this specific...
0:30:49 > 0:30:52I bet they look lovely in their wee hats.
0:30:52 > 0:30:54- Oh, yes, and blue lights.- Yeah.
0:30:54 > 0:30:56Blue lights on the reindeer, that would be very...
0:30:56 > 0:30:58- JOSH:- Or just the nose, going like that.
0:30:58 > 0:31:01LAUGHTER
0:31:01 > 0:31:05OK, let's look at the nose. Why was Rudolph's nose useful?
0:31:05 > 0:31:07Well, Rudolph, with your nose so bright,
0:31:07 > 0:31:09won't you guide my sleigh tonight?
0:31:09 > 0:31:10It's a lie, Susan.
0:31:10 > 0:31:14No, the fact is that there would've been no need for the red nose,
0:31:14 > 0:31:17cos reindeer can see perfectly well in low light.
0:31:17 > 0:31:20They change the colour of what's known as their tapetum lucidum.
0:31:20 > 0:31:24It's a layer of tissue behind the retina that reflects light.
0:31:24 > 0:31:26So in long, bright summer light it is gold,
0:31:26 > 0:31:28and then, in the winter, it turns blue,
0:31:28 > 0:31:31and the colour change means that less light escapes from their eyes
0:31:31 > 0:31:33and it gives them a kind of night-vision.
0:31:33 > 0:31:36So there would've been no need for the nose to light the way.
0:31:36 > 0:31:38I had a chance encounter with a reindeer once.
0:31:38 > 0:31:41In the Arctic, and here's the thing that is extraordinary about them -
0:31:41 > 0:31:43they've got hairy noses.
0:31:43 > 0:31:45- They don't have shiny, moist noses.- Aw!
0:31:45 > 0:31:48They've got these really delightful hairy noses.
0:31:48 > 0:31:49They're also unique amongst deer
0:31:49 > 0:31:53in that they are actually attracted to the smell of human urine.
0:31:53 > 0:31:57Uh, I guess if you wanted to lure a reindeer to you,
0:31:57 > 0:31:58that would be the way.
0:31:58 > 0:32:00Let's do it now! Let's do it now!
0:32:00 > 0:32:03Someone pee there and we'll see if one comes.
0:32:03 > 0:32:05It's Christmas!
0:32:07 > 0:32:09- We've got two female cats.- Yeah.
0:32:09 > 0:32:11We've got a male cat that keeps coming into our garden
0:32:11 > 0:32:13and we don't want him there.
0:32:13 > 0:32:15- I've been told that I'm meant to mark...- Shoot him.
0:32:15 > 0:32:16..my own territory. "Shoot him"!
0:32:16 > 0:32:19So, I'm meant to piss in the garden myself.
0:32:19 > 0:32:21- It's not going to make any difference if you...- Is it not?- No.
0:32:21 > 0:32:23Well, that's two months wasted, isn't it?
0:32:23 > 0:32:25LAUGHTER
0:32:25 > 0:32:27So you've got a reindeer problem now, then?
0:32:27 > 0:32:29LAUGHTER
0:32:31 > 0:32:33I don't understand. People buy a cat
0:32:33 > 0:32:35and then they keep it in my garden - what is that about?
0:32:37 > 0:32:39Right, that's the turkey dinner out of the way,
0:32:39 > 0:32:42let's fall asleep in the comfy armchair of General Ignorance.
0:32:42 > 0:32:43Fingers on buzzers, please.
0:32:43 > 0:32:46You are standing in the middle of the Antarctic,
0:32:46 > 0:32:48and your toes are frozen.
0:32:48 > 0:32:50How far do you have to travel to reach a place
0:32:50 > 0:32:52where it's literally too hot to stand?
0:32:52 > 0:32:54- # ..sleigh... # - Susan.
0:32:54 > 0:32:58- A mile?- Uh...- I'm just guessing. - OK. Which way?- Down!
0:32:58 > 0:33:00- You're just guessing?! - Straight down!
0:33:00 > 0:33:02- Yes, Alan.- If you go down, it's hot.
0:33:02 > 0:33:04You're exactly right.
0:33:04 > 0:33:08No, I was about to answer that question.
0:33:08 > 0:33:11In fairness, she was about to give a different answer.
0:33:11 > 0:33:13LAUGHTER
0:33:13 > 0:33:14He was too quick for you.
0:33:14 > 0:33:17You'd only have to go a couple of kilometres downwards.
0:33:17 > 0:33:19Underground temperature in Antarctica
0:33:19 > 0:33:21pretty much the hottest in the world.
0:33:21 > 0:33:24Hotter than 99% of the rest of the planet.
0:33:24 > 0:33:28- Are these people emerging? - Yes, they've come up from China.
0:33:30 > 0:33:31It's not a very relaxing bath
0:33:31 > 0:33:34if everyone's standing around in anoraks taking photos of you.
0:33:34 > 0:33:37They're all queueing for the facilities.
0:33:37 > 0:33:39They're all doggers, aren't they?
0:33:40 > 0:33:42That woman did not look out if...
0:33:42 > 0:33:45LAUGHTER
0:33:47 > 0:33:49It's been calculated that the temperature under the ice
0:33:49 > 0:33:52rises by approximately 200 degrees Celsius per kilometre,
0:33:52 > 0:33:56so several times the global average on continents. Unbelievably hot.
0:33:56 > 0:33:58So, down is the correct answer.
0:33:58 > 0:33:59From feet to hands.
0:33:59 > 0:34:02- Now, Josh, last year...- Yes.
0:34:02 > 0:34:05- ..you told us all about the hairy hands of Dartmoor.- Yes.
0:34:05 > 0:34:07Is that right?
0:34:07 > 0:34:09They grab the steering wheel of your car and drive you off the road.
0:34:09 > 0:34:12I wonder if you could just remind us which road you said it was.
0:34:12 > 0:34:15Er, the B3021?
0:34:15 > 0:34:16Yes.
0:34:16 > 0:34:18KLAXON AND LAUGHTER
0:34:21 > 0:34:22This is, I can promise you,
0:34:22 > 0:34:25one of the finest quibbles that QI has ever received.
0:34:25 > 0:34:28There is a gentleman called Ian Dunn who has written in
0:34:28 > 0:34:30to point out that the hairy hands of Dartmoor
0:34:30 > 0:34:34actually haunt the B3212 and not the B3021.
0:34:34 > 0:34:36LAUGHTER
0:34:36 > 0:34:37You are...
0:34:37 > 0:34:39APPLAUSE
0:34:42 > 0:34:44I'm afraid you're having points docked this time.
0:34:44 > 0:34:48- What? Posthumously?- Yes. It couldn't be more wrong,
0:34:48 > 0:34:51the B3212 runs across Dartmoor between Exeter and Yeovilton
0:34:51 > 0:34:54via the hamlet of Postbridge, that's where the hairy hands hang out.
0:34:54 > 0:34:57- Of course, yeah. - The B3021, I'm afraid,
0:34:57 > 0:34:59goes from Old Windsor to Datchet in Berkshire.
0:34:59 > 0:35:01Remember that next time you make a joke.
0:35:01 > 0:35:03LAUGHTER
0:35:03 > 0:35:06Can I just say that he watched me talk about these ghost hands
0:35:06 > 0:35:08that appear and drive you off the road -
0:35:08 > 0:35:11- and his quibble was with the number of the road?!- Yes.
0:35:11 > 0:35:13"That's incorrect, so I'm just going to...
0:35:13 > 0:35:15"Dear QI..."
0:35:15 > 0:35:18Josh, without precision, there is no comedy.
0:35:18 > 0:35:21You have to understand that, without saying the right name of a B road,
0:35:21 > 0:35:24no-one can laugh at that.
0:35:24 > 0:35:27I thought a year ago that didn't get a laugh, and now I know why.
0:35:27 > 0:35:31Your road was nowhere near Dartmoor whatsoever.
0:35:31 > 0:35:33I love the idea of Ian sat at home now going,
0:35:33 > 0:35:36"Oh, I have ruined Josh's Christmas. Lovely."
0:35:36 > 0:35:39Well, your error has been particularly egregious, I'm afraid.
0:35:39 > 0:35:42You didn't just let Ian down, or the show down,
0:35:42 > 0:35:44you've let yourself down, haven't you?
0:35:44 > 0:35:46In many ways, I think I've let Jesus down.
0:35:46 > 0:35:48- LAUGHTER - Yes, I know.
0:35:48 > 0:35:50And his hairy hands!
0:35:50 > 0:35:51LAUGHTER
0:35:52 > 0:35:55And now for another of those Christmas traditions
0:35:55 > 0:35:58that people want to preserve, cutting decorations out of paper.
0:35:58 > 0:36:01So you should have some scissors and some paper.
0:36:01 > 0:36:02And here is my question,
0:36:02 > 0:36:04if I want to make a five-pointed star,
0:36:04 > 0:36:08how many straight lines would I need to cut?
0:36:08 > 0:36:10I tell you what, these would've been a game-changer
0:36:10 > 0:36:13in Are You There, Moriarty? wouldn't they?
0:36:13 > 0:36:14LAUGHTER
0:36:16 > 0:36:18So how many cuts do we think? It's a five-pointed star.
0:36:18 > 0:36:20That's two so far, Sandi.
0:36:20 > 0:36:24- OK.- I'll do a couple more now. There's another one.
0:36:24 > 0:36:27- How are you doing?- Great, Sandi.
0:36:27 > 0:36:30Got the solution immediately.
0:36:30 > 0:36:33- Here we go, here we go.- Oh, no!
0:36:33 > 0:36:34LAUGHTER
0:36:36 > 0:36:38MUTED APPLAUSE
0:36:41 > 0:36:42Oh, that's very good.
0:36:42 > 0:36:46It looks more like a person, a sort of happy person jumping.
0:36:47 > 0:36:49What is that?
0:36:49 > 0:36:51- What is that, Josh?- I don't know.
0:36:53 > 0:36:56It looks like that London 2012 logo, doesn't it?
0:36:56 > 0:36:57LAUGHTER
0:36:59 > 0:37:00So the answer is one.
0:37:00 > 0:37:03The Fold And Cut Theorem states
0:37:03 > 0:37:05that any shape composed of straight lines
0:37:05 > 0:37:07can be made using a single cut,
0:37:07 > 0:37:10if you can just figure out which way to fold the paper.
0:37:10 > 0:37:12So all you need to do - here they are -
0:37:12 > 0:37:14is just cut along the red line.
0:37:14 > 0:37:17- Just cut along the red line. - I've done it.- So, one cut...
0:37:17 > 0:37:19I've done it.
0:37:19 > 0:37:20ALAN CRIES OUT
0:37:23 > 0:37:24LAUGHTER
0:37:24 > 0:37:26Well that's... What is that?
0:37:26 > 0:37:28LAUGHTER
0:37:32 > 0:37:35They've all done it! What's wrong with you all?
0:37:37 > 0:37:40- Oh, yeah, no.- We've got the wrong bit!- The wrong bit of paper.
0:37:42 > 0:37:44I got the wrong bit as well.
0:37:44 > 0:37:46- Who's got it? Who's got the star? - Me.- There we go.
0:37:46 > 0:37:51From one single cut you can get a five-point star.
0:37:51 > 0:37:54And there is a presumably apocryphal story.
0:37:54 > 0:37:57Betsy Ross, the woman who is alleged to have made
0:37:57 > 0:37:58the very first American flag,
0:37:58 > 0:38:01was discussing the design for the flag with George Washington,
0:38:01 > 0:38:03and he said, "Could you do a six-pointed star?"
0:38:03 > 0:38:06And she said, "A five-point would be easier", and she showed him
0:38:06 > 0:38:08by folding a piece of cloth in that manner,
0:38:08 > 0:38:12and that is why the modern flag has the five-point star.
0:38:12 > 0:38:14There's a problem with this story, if you go to Philadelphia,
0:38:14 > 0:38:15you can visit Betsy Ross' house,
0:38:15 > 0:38:17but it's almost certain that she didn't live there
0:38:17 > 0:38:20and probably didn't make the flag, but there we are...
0:38:20 > 0:38:21LAUGHTER Other than that...
0:38:21 > 0:38:23American history in a nutshell.
0:38:23 > 0:38:25LAUGHTER
0:38:25 > 0:38:28Susan, I want you to have my star and also be my girlfriend, please.
0:38:28 > 0:38:30Susan, be very careful.
0:38:32 > 0:38:35He's the man from over the road!
0:38:35 > 0:38:36LAUGHTER
0:38:37 > 0:38:38Do you know what?
0:38:38 > 0:38:41I always used to get quite lonely at Christmas cos I didn't have a date,
0:38:41 > 0:38:44and I don't feel lonely this Christmas because I've got you now.
0:38:44 > 0:38:47Brilliant. We are boyfriend and girlfriend.
0:38:47 > 0:38:48APPLAUSE
0:38:50 > 0:38:51There you go.
0:38:51 > 0:38:53That's the most uncertain round of applause.
0:38:53 > 0:38:56I didn't want it to come to this, but, Alan...
0:38:56 > 0:38:58LAUGHTER
0:39:02 > 0:39:04APPLAUSE
0:39:06 > 0:39:10OK, how would you consume the original Humpty Dumpty?
0:39:10 > 0:39:12- # ..the snow... # - Yes?
0:39:12 > 0:39:16For breakfast with sprouts.
0:39:16 > 0:39:18For breakfast with sprouts. Any more?
0:39:18 > 0:39:20Is it that he wasn't an egg? He was something else?
0:39:20 > 0:39:22Is correct. Yes.
0:39:22 > 0:39:25It's always been a sort of a nickname, but it wasn't an egg.
0:39:25 > 0:39:28In fact, in the early depictions of the rhyme,
0:39:28 > 0:39:30he's actually depicted as a child.
0:39:30 > 0:39:32There he is, not looking entirely content.
0:39:32 > 0:39:34That's horrific!
0:39:34 > 0:39:37- I give that rhyme to my niece. - You hate your niece.
0:39:37 > 0:39:39We've established that.
0:39:39 > 0:39:42LAUGHTER
0:39:46 > 0:39:49It's not a real story - that's the thing, Susan.
0:39:49 > 0:39:52Some people think it might have been a story about Richard III,
0:39:52 > 0:39:55depicted as humpbacked in Tudor histories, and he was defeated,
0:39:55 > 0:39:59and despite all his king's men and horses, at the Battle of Bosworth.
0:39:59 > 0:40:01Oh, isn't he gorgeous?
0:40:01 > 0:40:04So when did it start becoming about an egg?
0:40:04 > 0:40:05Because it's an egg, isn't it?
0:40:05 > 0:40:07Well, we now think of it as an egg,
0:40:07 > 0:40:09but it could be about so many other things.
0:40:09 > 0:40:12In Colchester, they believe that it is a Civil War-era cannon
0:40:12 > 0:40:13on Colchester's city walls.
0:40:13 > 0:40:15I have to say, there is no evidence of that.
0:40:15 > 0:40:18But the earlier citation in the OED
0:40:18 > 0:40:21is for a drink made with ale,
0:40:21 > 0:40:23boiled with brandy...
0:40:23 > 0:40:25Yes, please.
0:40:25 > 0:40:27And I have some here.
0:40:27 > 0:40:30- And I have five glasses. - Oh, yes!
0:40:30 > 0:40:32Are you sharing it out or just having a brilliant time?
0:40:32 > 0:40:33I am sharing it out.
0:40:33 > 0:40:38- So here is the thing as well, the traditional...- Keep pouring!
0:40:38 > 0:40:42The traditional food that is eaten at Danish Christmas
0:40:42 > 0:40:43is something called aebleskiver.
0:40:43 > 0:40:47They are a little tiny, like a pancake thing,
0:40:47 > 0:40:49which you have in jam,
0:40:49 > 0:40:51and these have been made for me by a brilliant Danish chef,
0:40:51 > 0:40:54Bronte Aurell, from the Scandinavian Kitchen in London,
0:40:54 > 0:40:55who's here in the audience.
0:40:55 > 0:40:56Where are you, Bronte? Give us a wave.
0:40:56 > 0:40:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:40:58 > 0:40:59Brilliant.
0:40:59 > 0:41:03- Have a glass, there we are. - Then tip the jam on your head...
0:41:03 > 0:41:04There you go.
0:41:04 > 0:41:06- There we go.- Thank you.
0:41:06 > 0:41:10- Say it's medicinal. - Oh, God, that's horrific.
0:41:10 > 0:41:13- LAUGHTER - Not the food.
0:41:13 > 0:41:16SLURRING: So, Humpty Dumpty was originally a mixture...
0:41:16 > 0:41:18This is lovely, isn't it?
0:41:18 > 0:41:20Look at all me jam! Phwoar!
0:41:20 > 0:41:22I never had a happy childhood, I wasn't happy.
0:41:22 > 0:41:26THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER I didn't like you, either! OK...
0:41:26 > 0:41:28Let's all just get a taxi...
0:41:30 > 0:41:33SHE SLURS
0:41:35 > 0:41:37LAUGHTER
0:41:37 > 0:41:39Humpty Dumpty was originally a drink...
0:41:41 > 0:41:44..of ale and brandy, and you consumed it like this.
0:41:44 > 0:41:45Cheers to everybody.
0:41:45 > 0:41:48- Cheers.- Skol!- Cheers.- Cheers...
0:41:48 > 0:41:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:41:53 > 0:41:56OK, so, that brings us to the matter of the festive scores,
0:41:56 > 0:41:58and here's what I've decided -
0:41:58 > 0:42:01it's Christmas, so everybody is a winner.
0:42:01 > 0:42:03First-equal to everybody,
0:42:03 > 0:42:07but the marzipan pig goes to the man of the hour,
0:42:07 > 0:42:09Alan Davies.
0:42:09 > 0:42:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:14 > 0:42:15Go on, eat it, Alan.
0:42:16 > 0:42:19QI THEME TUNE AND APPLAUSE
0:42:21 > 0:42:22OK.
0:42:24 > 0:42:27So, it's thanks to Susan, Matt, Josh and Alan.
0:42:27 > 0:42:29Now, Christmas is a time of togetherness,
0:42:29 > 0:42:32so I thought we could end the show tonight
0:42:32 > 0:42:34by solving a Christmas equation together, OK?
0:42:34 > 0:42:38Are you ready? Here we go. So, Alan, let's have a quick look.
0:42:38 > 0:42:41Here's an equation. What would you like to do with that equation?
0:42:41 > 0:42:43LAUGHTER
0:42:44 > 0:42:50- I would... Now...- Yes?- ..I would multiply both sides by R-squared...
0:42:50 > 0:42:52OK, we're going to multiply both sides by R-squared.
0:42:52 > 0:42:54There we go. Right, Josh?
0:42:54 > 0:42:57Er, well, LN is obviously the natural log.
0:42:57 > 0:42:58- SUSAN:- Whoo!
0:42:59 > 0:43:01- ALAN BLOWS A RASPBERRY - Yeah...
0:43:04 > 0:43:09- So if we raise both sides to the power of the natural log...- Yeah.
0:43:09 > 0:43:12- ..which is, the base is E... - Yeah.- Cancels out, doesn't it?
0:43:12 > 0:43:15OK, well, fancy. It does, yes. So, like that? Is that what you mean?
0:43:15 > 0:43:18THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER OK, so, very good, Matt.
0:43:18 > 0:43:23I'm going to propose we multiply both sides by M.
0:43:23 > 0:43:25Oh. OK, excellent. Susan?
0:43:27 > 0:43:28Well...
0:43:28 > 0:43:30- we've all had a lovely time.- Yes.
0:43:30 > 0:43:33LAUGHTER
0:43:33 > 0:43:34- SLURRING:- It's Christmas...
0:43:34 > 0:43:36I just love you all.
0:43:37 > 0:43:40I think we should go a bit mad
0:43:40 > 0:43:43and expand the R-squared.
0:43:43 > 0:43:45Expand the R-squared thing and there we are -
0:43:45 > 0:43:46you only heard it on QI.
0:43:46 > 0:43:47Merry Christmas, everybody!
0:43:47 > 0:43:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE