0:00:26 > 0:00:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Good evening and welcome to QI
0:00:35 > 0:00:40for a truly original episode about origins and openings.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Please welcome, with open arms, the open-eyed Rich Hall.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46APPLAUSE
0:00:47 > 0:00:51The open-minded Susan Calman.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53APPLAUSE
0:00:54 > 0:00:57The open-mouthed Josh Widdicombe.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59APPLAUSE
0:01:01 > 0:01:04And opening a can of worms, it's Alan Davies.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07APPLAUSE
0:01:11 > 0:01:13So, without further ado, I declare the show open.
0:01:13 > 0:01:14Rich goes...
0:01:14 > 0:01:20GRIEG'S PIANO CONCERTO
0:01:22 > 0:01:23That's lovely.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27- I have to wait for all of that before I can answer?- Yes.
0:01:27 > 0:01:28Susan goes...
0:01:28 > 0:01:34DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Some of the greatest openings in the world. Josh goes...
0:01:40 > 0:01:44BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH SYMPHONY
0:01:44 > 0:01:45Alan goes...
0:01:45 > 0:01:49MUPPET SHOW OPENING THEME
0:01:52 > 0:01:55APPLAUSE
0:01:55 > 0:01:58Right, I'd like you to act out the opening scene
0:01:58 > 0:02:01of the classic film All Together Passionately.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Sorry, am I on the wrong show?
0:02:04 > 0:02:07I mean, I'm happy to do it, as long as I can go on top.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11I think you should speak to Josh.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13As long as you've got a cushion, I'm fine with it.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Anybody know All Together Passionately?
0:02:17 > 0:02:19- A great film. - It's not ringing any bells.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22It is the Italian name, I will tell you, for a very famous film.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26Tutti Insieme Appassionatamente.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29I'll be honest, if anything, I'm further away from the answer.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32- OK, if I do this... - The Passion of the Christ.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34- No.- Titanic.- Titanic?
0:02:34 > 0:02:37No, and I'm twirling around on top of an Austrian mountain...
0:02:37 > 0:02:38Oh, The Sound Of Music.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40The Sound Of Music. It is the Italian name...
0:02:40 > 0:02:43There's no Italian phrase for the sound of music?
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Apparently, that's what they called it, All Together Passionately.
0:02:46 > 0:02:47In Italy?
0:02:47 > 0:02:50That sounds like a film you wouldn't watch on a train.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53- Do you watch a lot of films on trains?- Lots of them. You have to...
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Oh, yes, because you don't fly, so you spend your life on a train.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Yes, so you have to be very careful sometimes if you have a film
0:02:58 > 0:02:59with a bit of...
0:02:59 > 0:03:02- Naughtiness.- ..naughtiness. You have to turn it to the window.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Does anybody here cry at movies on planes
0:03:05 > 0:03:07that you wouldn't normally cry at?
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Like Paul Blart - Mall Cop, that's...
0:03:11 > 0:03:13I'm in floods. Floods!
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Not just at movies, sometimes just a credit card ad.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Like, "Oh, my God, she lost her...
0:03:17 > 0:03:19"Oh, she got it back. Thank God!"
0:03:20 > 0:03:23So many emotions to handle in one commercial!
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Well, here is a thing about The Sound Of Music.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29It was so popular in South Korea when it was first released,
0:03:29 > 0:03:33one theatre owner in Seoul made the film shorter
0:03:33 > 0:03:35by cutting out all the musical numbers...
0:03:35 > 0:03:37LAUGHTER
0:03:37 > 0:03:40..so they could show it more often.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Do you know what? I've never seen it.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44- GASPS - Josh!
0:03:44 > 0:03:46- Oh, really, never? - You've never seen...
0:03:46 > 0:03:49- THROATILY:- # You are 16, going on 17... #
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Yeah, it's like that, but with a tune.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55APPLAUSE
0:03:58 > 0:04:01In 2004, the Sun reportedly saw a leaked document -
0:04:01 > 0:04:04we don't know if it's true - that in the event of a nuclear bomb
0:04:04 > 0:04:07going off, the advice is going to be to stay indoors and watch television.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09And apparently, BBC bunkers will broadcast
0:04:09 > 0:04:14- The Sound Of Music for 100 days, or until we're all dead.- Wow.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17You're all going to go, "I've seen it." That's when I cash in!
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Do you know, I was once lucky enough to meet Julie Andrews?
0:04:21 > 0:04:24It's the only time in my entire life I have been completely speechless.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Because she wouldn't shut up?
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Kept harping on about what her favourite things were.
0:04:29 > 0:04:30It was very annoying.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38- COCKNEY:- "Do you like them tied up with string?
0:04:38 > 0:04:41"I bet you do, girl! I bet you do!
0:04:41 > 0:04:44"What's a deer? What's a female deer? Come on!"
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Julie, leave it alone!
0:04:48 > 0:04:50"I'll get the puppets out. I'll get the puppets out!
0:04:50 > 0:04:52"Do you want to see the goat herd?
0:04:54 > 0:04:56" # High on the hill... # It wasn't me singing.
0:04:56 > 0:04:57" # High on the hill... #
0:04:59 > 0:05:01"I'm Maria. I'll be back with you. I'm Maria."
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Shut up, Julie! God!
0:05:05 > 0:05:08APPLAUSE
0:05:13 > 0:05:16I'll be honest, I understood none of that.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20OK, let's try five more original movie titles.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23The top one, I can tell you, Please Don't Touch The Old Women,
0:05:23 > 0:05:26an Italian version of a famous film.
0:05:26 > 0:05:27Is it Cocoon?
0:05:30 > 0:05:31No!
0:05:31 > 0:05:33It's The Producers.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35- What?!- The Producers.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Yes. Because, you know, the whole thing is about him raising money
0:05:38 > 0:05:41from the old women, so I guess that's the bit they most focused on.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Try the next one - this is the Brazilian title of a famous film.
0:05:44 > 0:05:4511 Men And A Secret.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Ah, it was 12 Angry Men, but one of them is transgender.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59- Ocean's Eleven.- It is Ocean's Eleven, you're absolutely right.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02- Yay!- OK, this one is also Italian, this next one.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Don't Open That Door!
0:06:05 > 0:06:06Das Boot.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10APPLAUSE
0:06:13 > 0:06:15It's The Texas Chain Saw Massacre.
0:06:17 > 0:06:18Right, this next one is Chinese.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21I'll be honest, when you say which country it's from,
0:06:21 > 0:06:23it's of no relevance. "Oh, it's Chinese, oh, yes."
0:06:23 > 0:06:24It's Chinese, yes. His Great...
0:06:24 > 0:06:26MUPPET SHOW OPENING THEME Yes?
0:06:26 > 0:06:28The Man With The Golden Gun.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Come on!
0:06:30 > 0:06:31No, it's Boogie Nights.
0:06:31 > 0:06:32Oh!
0:06:36 > 0:06:38No, no, no, no!
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Would you like to see my great device?
0:06:42 > 0:06:45- That's horrific.- OK, let's try a few the other way round.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47I want you to think of better titles for these actual films.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49So Jaws, I have the French title,
0:06:49 > 0:06:51but what do you think would be a better title for Jaws?
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Angry Halibut.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59That was the original screenplay, it wasn't about a shark at all.
0:06:59 > 0:07:00It's a furious halibut.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03A Large Expanse Of Water That's Still On The Surface.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06So the French title of Jaws is The Teeth From The Sea.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08- Teeth From The Sea.- Try this one.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Free Willy - any better titles for that?
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Oh! The Device Made Him Famous.
0:07:13 > 0:07:14I don't know.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Release The Penis.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21The Chinese title is A Very Powerful Whale Runs to Heaven.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26- Quite...- It's like something you'd get in a fortune cookie.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28It's quite literal, isn't it? Yes. Bad Santa?
0:07:28 > 0:07:31Anybody got a better title for Bad Santa?
0:07:31 > 0:07:33- Good Santa.- Good Santa.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36The Czech Republic is Santa Is A Pervert.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38LAUGHTER
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Die Hard was released in Germany as Die Slowly,
0:07:44 > 0:07:48in Greece as Very Hard To Die and in Norway as Action Skyscraper.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52And SpongeBob Squarepants was originally going to be
0:07:52 > 0:07:53SpongeBob Ahoy,
0:07:53 > 0:07:56but that turned out to be the copyright for the name of a mop
0:07:56 > 0:07:58and so they couldn't have that.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02That's true. And Lion King's working title was King Of The Jungle.
0:08:02 > 0:08:06- Why does that not work as a title, King Of The Jungle?- Cos...- Cos?
0:08:06 > 0:08:09- ..the lion...- Yes?- ..is not... - Yes?- ..in the jungle.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Correct, it does not live in the jungle.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14So King Of The Jungle would be something else.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16- I've never seen The Lion King. - Oh, my God!- Have you not?- No.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18GASPS Ooh.
0:08:18 > 0:08:22- I know!- Oh, it's not so nice when it happens to you, is it?- Yeah.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26Now, what's the most original idea in this book?
0:08:26 > 0:08:29- What year is this? - 1831, it was published.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33This fella, Patrick Matthew, is he by any chance Scottish?
0:08:33 > 0:08:36- He is, he's a Scottish, or was... - From near Scone.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39- ..a Scottish horticulturalist.- Yes. - And what is he famous for?
0:08:39 > 0:08:42I think he came up with some of the ideas which Darwin then
0:08:42 > 0:08:45took on in The Origin Of The Species.
0:08:45 > 0:08:49Well, you are right and not right, in that he did have the original
0:08:49 > 0:08:52ideas about natural selection being the mechanism for evolution,
0:08:52 > 0:08:56but Darwin had no idea that Matthew had come up with this.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00So 30 years later, we're 1860, this guy is reading a review
0:09:00 > 0:09:03in Gardeners' Chronicle about Darwin's Origin Of The Species,
0:09:03 > 0:09:06and it said, "Darwin professes to have discovered the existence
0:09:06 > 0:09:08"and the modus operandi of natural selection,"
0:09:08 > 0:09:11and he wrote to complain, saying that he had already written about this.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15And Darwin wrote back and said, "I had no idea, I've never, ever read your work."
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Oh, come on, Darwin!
0:09:18 > 0:09:21And not only did Matthew get there before Darwin,
0:09:21 > 0:09:23lots of his ideas were proved in the end to be more correct.
0:09:23 > 0:09:27But there are actually three people who are thought to have independently
0:09:27 > 0:09:29discovered the principle of natural selection
0:09:29 > 0:09:30as the mechanism for speciation.
0:09:30 > 0:09:34- Wallace?- Matthew, Darwin and Alfred Russel Wallace...- Yes.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37..who also comes up with the idea about five years before Darwin.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Wallace wrote an essay
0:09:39 > 0:09:42and Darwin very quickly then wrote On The Origin Of The Species, because
0:09:42 > 0:09:45he wanted to make sure that he got his stuff out before anybody else.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Darwin very much emphasised competition between individuals
0:09:48 > 0:09:50of the same species, and Wallace emphasised environmental
0:09:50 > 0:09:53pressures, and in fact probably they were both right.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56- He looks friendlier than the other two, the middle one. - Yeah, he looks nice.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59- He looks like you could go to him with a problem.- Yeah.
0:09:59 > 0:10:03The other two...the other two would be like, "Sort it out, Susan." Yeah.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07So all three of these guys are proponents of natural selection
0:10:07 > 0:10:10- and that we evolve in order to survive?- Yeah.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13But they all have hair growing out of their ears.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17Well, sometimes, personal grooming can just fall by the wayside, Rich.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Recently I've stopped plucking my toe hair, because I just...
0:10:22 > 0:10:24..can't do it any more.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26- It's a bit like a euphemism. - I used to, I used to...
0:10:26 > 0:10:31- You can't reach or...? - No, I used to, I used to...
0:10:31 > 0:10:34She's got like a selfie stick with tweezers on it.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38I have quite hairy toes and I used to pluck them,
0:10:38 > 0:10:40for fear of upsetting people, and then I stepped
0:10:40 > 0:10:42out of the house one day in a pair of sandals, and you've
0:10:42 > 0:10:46never lived until you've felt the wind through the hair on your toes.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49And after that, I thought, "To hang with social convention,
0:10:49 > 0:10:51"I'm just going to let it go."
0:10:55 > 0:10:58So, when Darwin had The Origin Of The Species published, he gave the
0:10:58 > 0:11:02original manuscript to his children to use as scrap drawing paper
0:11:02 > 0:11:07- and the only surviving pages are illustrated by his children.- Ah.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10There's a drawing of a fish with legs carrying an umbrella,
0:11:10 > 0:11:12there's men riding horses made of vegetables.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14And they wrote short stories on the paper.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17The Fairies Of The Mountain is one story.
0:11:17 > 0:11:18"Two fairies travel to the sun,
0:11:18 > 0:11:21"where they find that life has adapted to the environment."
0:11:21 > 0:11:24So I like the idea that they thought, "Oh, it must be different on the sun, they must evolve."
0:11:24 > 0:11:27- They'd obviously read it before they drew on it.- Yes, I think so.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Anyway, what did Mr First think of Mr Second?
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Oh! Didn't like him.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Also, what's wrong with this picture?
0:11:36 > 0:11:38That's a very unrealistic snake.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Well, that wasn't my first thing, but, yes,
0:11:42 > 0:11:43that is a very unrealistic snake.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46That hair would be difficult to keep control of in damp weather.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50- Yeah.- Yeah. You should see their hairy toes - all over the shop.
0:11:50 > 0:11:54It was in the very first QI ever.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Oh, don't ask me.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00- It'll be to do with Adam cos it'll be A, right?- Yes.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04So the very first man and therefore? He wouldn't have a...
0:12:04 > 0:12:06- Oh, a bellybutton!- He wouldn't have a bellybutton.- Oh.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08- And also, what are they eating? - A peach.- Apples.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Apples, there are no apples mentioned anywhere in the Bible whatsoever.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14- So what was the forbidden fruit then?- We have no idea. It doesn't say.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Anyway, he's not the Mr First that we are talking about,
0:12:16 > 0:12:19the first person that we are talking about is Omero Catan,
0:12:19 > 0:12:21an American man who claimed
0:12:21 > 0:12:25to have been the first person at over 500 opening events,
0:12:25 > 0:12:27and he was known as Mr First.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30And his brother Michael very occasionally took his place,
0:12:30 > 0:12:32and he was known as Mr Second.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34But the rivalry between the two was truly terrible.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36So he would just turn up at openings?
0:12:36 > 0:12:39So, when he was 13 years old, Omero Catan heard of a family friend
0:12:39 > 0:12:43who had been the very first to cross the Brooklyn Bridge when it opened,
0:12:43 > 0:12:46so that is 1883, and that inspired him, one year later,
0:12:46 > 0:12:49when he was 14, to become the very first American passenger
0:12:49 > 0:12:51aboard the Graf Zeppelin.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55There it is, the Graf Zeppelin. Look at that thing!
0:12:55 > 0:12:58You could fit three 747s on one of those airships.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01But he was the very first American passenger to fly the Atlantic
0:13:01 > 0:13:02- in that airship.- Yeah.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Which took four and a half days, in those days.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07And then he rose to fame, he did all sorts of things.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09He set up camp outside the Lincoln Tunnel for four days
0:13:09 > 0:13:11so he could be the first to drive through.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14He was the first person to buy a ticket for the 8th Avenue Subway,
0:13:14 > 0:13:17first person to skate on the Rockefeller ice rink, first person
0:13:17 > 0:13:20to drive across the Hudson Tappan Zee Bridge, and the
0:13:20 > 0:13:22first person to put a quarter in a New York parking meter.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24- You should never be first to do things like that.- Why not?
0:13:24 > 0:13:27Because the danger aspect. You wait until a lot of people have done it,
0:13:27 > 0:13:30and then you know it's safe, and then you pop on.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33It's so good Neil Armstrong didn't make that speech.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Oh, I bet he hates Neil Armstrong, doesn't he, Mr First?
0:13:38 > 0:13:40No, actually, he said, "I wouldn't have had the nerve,"
0:13:40 > 0:13:43is what he said about Neil Armstrong when he was asked.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46I bet Mr First is an absolute bore at dinner parties.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49- Yes.- "I've been here ages!"
0:13:49 > 0:13:53But what happened was, in 1945, the third Lincoln Tunnel opened,
0:13:53 > 0:13:57and Mr First was in the UK. And so his brother, Michael,
0:13:57 > 0:14:00was asked if he would be there in his place.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04He began to step in more and more regularly, and the papers started
0:14:04 > 0:14:08to give them equal status, and Mr Second became Mr First.
0:14:08 > 0:14:09GASPS
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Terrible tensions. Terrible tensions between them!
0:14:11 > 0:14:14- Oh, my God. - Omero became convinced that
0:14:14 > 0:14:16his brother was trying to steal the limelight.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18There were offers from Hollywood to make a movie, he wouldn't have it
0:14:18 > 0:14:21because he didn't want his brother to get equal billing,
0:14:21 > 0:14:24and his very last "first" was a drive through the newly-opened
0:14:24 > 0:14:29I-595 highway from Fort Lauderdale Hollywood International Airport
0:14:29 > 0:14:30to the Everglades.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33- Not one of his classics, that, was it?- No.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36But in the last 20 years of his life,
0:14:36 > 0:14:38the brothers lived 20 minutes apart and they wouldn't speak.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40You'd think one of them would go,
0:14:40 > 0:14:43- "I was the first to get back in touch! Unlucky!"- Yeah.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46So have you done no firsts at all, Susan?
0:14:46 > 0:14:48I was the first person ever to get 100% in the Currys
0:14:48 > 0:14:50electrical superstore exam.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52- Wow!- Were you selling white goods?
0:14:52 > 0:14:55I was in charge of microwaves and vacuum cleaners,
0:14:55 > 0:14:57with an overall ambit for white goods.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00I went down to Newcastle for a training course and you had to sit
0:15:00 > 0:15:02an exam in not only the goods itself,
0:15:02 > 0:15:05- but also PMA - Positive Mental Attitude.- Ha!
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Because everyone in Currys had to have a positive mental attitude,
0:15:08 > 0:15:11and I had a cravat and a badge that said, "Susan, happy to help".
0:15:15 > 0:15:17And you got 100% in the exam?
0:15:17 > 0:15:19I was the only person to ever get 100%.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Josh, done any firsts at all?
0:15:21 > 0:15:25I once put a whole packet of Polo's in my mouth.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28- That's less impressive.- That way?
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Oh, I opened it, so it was just 20 Polo's. I wasn't like...
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Rich, have you done any firsts of any kind?
0:15:38 > 0:15:41I was the first person to Google myself to see if I was still alive.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46- And were you?- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49If you Google "Rich Hall", my name will come up first
0:15:49 > 0:15:53and the second is a dormitory at Boston University.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57But last week, if you went on like Twitter or something, it said,
0:15:57 > 0:16:00"Rich Hall was on fire last night."
0:16:00 > 0:16:03And I was in Aylesbury, and I thought it was...
0:16:03 > 0:16:05- But it's actually the dormitory caught fire.- Oh.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Just cut out the headline, it's a great review.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10- Yeah, it's still going on my poster.- Yeah.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12I think that's a wonderful thing. Have you done any firsts?
0:16:12 > 0:16:14No, but someone did send me a thing to a website
0:16:14 > 0:16:16and it said I died in 1997.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21That was at Jongleurs.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24I was the first person to do stand-up in Stockholm.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26They had got the old Royal Yacht Britannia
0:16:26 > 0:16:28and they'd turned it into a stand-up club.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31And I went out to complete silence, I mean not a laugh, just total silence.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35And I finished by saying, "I've been Sandi Toksvig, thank you very much, good night."
0:16:35 > 0:16:38And they went nuts, they went crazy. The audience were going wild.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40- Is that cos you were leaving? - Clapping, clapping...
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Well, I had no idea what was going on,
0:16:42 > 0:16:44so I went backstage and the organiser says,
0:16:44 > 0:16:46"Oh, you were so funny, it was very, very funny."
0:16:46 > 0:16:49I said, "But nobody laughed." "No, we didn't like to interrupt."
0:16:54 > 0:16:57I've got an audience that doesn't like to interrupt
0:16:57 > 0:16:58all round the country.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00This whole thing about people want...
0:17:00 > 0:17:02- None of these people want to go to Mars.- Yeah, why?
0:17:02 > 0:17:07I'll tell you why, just so they can dominate every conversation afterwards.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11"I've been to Mars!"
0:17:12 > 0:17:14There's not much point in going to Mars.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Oh, it would be awful. They're going... "It's got water."
0:17:17 > 0:17:20That is the... If you went, "I'm moving." "What's it like?"
0:17:20 > 0:17:23"Well, they've got water." That's the bare minimum!
0:17:23 > 0:17:25They're going to habitatise it.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28- Habitatise? Is that a thing? - Yeah. Habitatise.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Put loads of furniture from Habitat on it.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38I'm going to wait till they find a planet that has Diet Sprite on it.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41Yeah, I would need a planet that had Angel Delight.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Oh, have you set fire to Angel Delight? Have we discussed that?
0:17:44 > 0:17:45What?
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Butt out, Josh. Yes, it's very good.
0:17:48 > 0:17:49- It's good, isn't it?- Yes.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Do you set fire to the powder, or when it's made?
0:17:51 > 0:17:53So, what you do... Don't do this, OK,
0:17:53 > 0:17:55cos it's really dangerous, but it's fun.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57So, what you do is, you get some of the powder
0:17:57 > 0:18:00and you put a tea light on the floor and then from a height, sprinkle the
0:18:00 > 0:18:05powder and it does a phosphorescence, a little kind of... It's marvellous.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08I tell you what, tomorrow morning, the supermarkets are going to go,
0:18:08 > 0:18:11"Angel Delight's suddenly very popular."
0:18:11 > 0:18:15"Get some more tea lights and some more Angel Delight.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18"It's going crazy in here!"
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Don't do it, do not do it.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24Mr First hated Mr Second because, when Mr First was seconded,
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Mr Second started coming first.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30What's the worst thing that can happen when you open something?
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Well, if it's the gentleman that pressed the button
0:18:33 > 0:18:36on the Virgin Train from Glasgow to London, he'd say
0:18:36 > 0:18:39it's seeing me on the toilet, which is what happened today.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Those doors take so long to open!
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Especially... If you're a gentleman, you can go, "Oh, gosh!"
0:18:52 > 0:18:54If you're a lady, you just have to sit and go...
0:18:57 > 0:18:59But the problem is...
0:18:59 > 0:19:02The problem is, because I'm so short, my legs were swinging.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04LAUGHTER
0:19:05 > 0:19:08I love that you felt you needed to explain that to ME!
0:19:11 > 0:19:13We used to take the train to visit my aunt in California
0:19:13 > 0:19:14and it took five days to get there,
0:19:14 > 0:19:17and so it's quite boring for children, so what we used to do
0:19:17 > 0:19:19was go to the toilet on the train, and then flush,
0:19:19 > 0:19:21and then run to the back of the train.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23And there was a little sort of platform, and you could watch all
0:19:23 > 0:19:25the toilet paper rushing out across the desert.
0:19:25 > 0:19:30The most marvellous entertainment for children. It was very good.
0:19:30 > 0:19:31When did you grow up?!
0:19:33 > 0:19:35It was a black and white time.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39I was born in 1958.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41That is astonishing.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43- What, that I'm still working? - Five days! No...
0:19:44 > 0:19:48Josh, just a wee thing for you, sweetie pie. See when a woman
0:19:48 > 0:19:51talks about her past, don't go, "When did you grow up?!"
0:19:52 > 0:19:54I was...
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Like it's the 18th century.
0:19:56 > 0:19:57In the '60s, yes.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59No, that's what I presumed.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02- I presumed the '70s or '80s, actually.- Thank you.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04And this week's winner is Josh!
0:20:06 > 0:20:09APPLAUSE
0:20:09 > 0:20:13OK, what's the worst thing that can happen when you open something?
0:20:13 > 0:20:14Is it something that begins with O?
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Well, it's lots of opening nights that have not
0:20:17 > 0:20:21- gone as well as possible.- Oh.- So the O-lympics, we could start with.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24- There will be no doves at the Tokyo 2020...- Oh, no!
0:20:24 > 0:20:29..which is because they were banned after the 1988 Seoul Olympics,
0:20:29 > 0:20:31when instead of flying out, as this photograph suggests...
0:20:31 > 0:20:33GASPS
0:20:33 > 0:20:35..into the sky, they decided to perch on the huge saucer
0:20:35 > 0:20:38in the centre of the stadium with the Olympic Flame,
0:20:38 > 0:20:41and several birds were incinerated.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44- You say incinerated, do you mean roasted?- I do, yes.
0:20:44 > 0:20:48- Mm! Just a little bit more! - Absolutely delicious.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Most delicious opening ceremony I've ever been at!
0:20:51 > 0:20:54- Opening night of BBC Two was a disaster.- Oh, that's...
0:20:54 > 0:20:55There was a power outage
0:20:55 > 0:20:58and the whole of Television Centre went dark that night.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00But the best bit of the story is, to publicise the launch,
0:21:00 > 0:21:03they had been using a graphic of a kangaroo.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06So the kangaroo represented BBC One and then, in the pouch,
0:21:06 > 0:21:08the little joey is BBC Two.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11So they thought, "For opening night, let's get some real kangaroos..."
0:21:11 > 0:21:12- Oh, no.- "..in the studio".
0:21:12 > 0:21:14And they had just got them into the lift
0:21:14 > 0:21:17and pressed the button at the moment when the power went...
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Oh, my word!
0:21:19 > 0:21:21..and, apparently, the kangaroos went berserk!
0:21:23 > 0:21:26I'd like to think that there was just some guy in the lift,
0:21:26 > 0:21:27going, "Oh, my God!"
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Also, some opening nights of plays have been disastrous.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34So Balzac wrote a play called Les Ressources De Quinola,
0:21:34 > 0:21:39and it opened to a completely empty house on March 19th, 1842.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42So he had hoped to create a buzz about the play,
0:21:42 > 0:21:45and he told everybody that the tickets were sold out,
0:21:45 > 0:21:47it was impossible to get a ticket.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50- Oh, no!- So nobody bothered.- Oh, no!
0:21:50 > 0:21:52- Yeah. Nobody came. - Did they do the play?
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Well, the Equity rule is you don't have to do the play
0:21:54 > 0:21:57if there are fewer members in the audience than there are in the play,
0:21:57 > 0:21:58- so whether it was...- That's true.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02Once, I was doing a gig at Willesden Library Centre...
0:22:02 > 0:22:05LAUGHTER
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Bill Bailey was there, in The Rubber Bishops.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09So there was the two of them, I think Bob Mills, me,
0:22:09 > 0:22:12someone else, and then there were seven people in the audience.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15So we're thinking, "Oh, shit, there's more of them than there are of us."
0:22:15 > 0:22:17And then this couple came over to us and said,
0:22:17 > 0:22:19"Would it help if we left?"
0:22:19 > 0:22:20LAUGHTER
0:22:22 > 0:22:25And we said, "As a matter of fact, technically, it would."
0:22:25 > 0:22:27So they left, and we didn't have to do the gig!
0:22:29 > 0:22:33At the Fringe you, contractually, if one punter turns up,
0:22:33 > 0:22:39you have to do your 55-minute show directly to them.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42And what could be a light-hearted show could become
0:22:42 > 0:22:45quite an aggressive diatribe.
0:22:45 > 0:22:49Just saying, "So this happened to me,
0:22:49 > 0:22:51"and then this happened to me."
0:22:51 > 0:22:53And they don't want to leave,
0:22:53 > 0:22:56because you're clearly distressed at this point.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58I had a friend who, at one point,
0:22:58 > 0:23:01was doing exactly that to one person,
0:23:01 > 0:23:04and she turned round at one point to pick up a prop and turned round
0:23:04 > 0:23:07and she just saw him sprinting.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12I remember going to see Arthur Smith doing a show in Edinburgh
0:23:12 > 0:23:15and it was 50p to get in, and he'd go round...
0:23:15 > 0:23:18As the audience were coming in, he was offering everyone a quid to go.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24So, when Disneyland opened, the very first Disneyland in California,
0:23:24 > 0:23:29July 17th, 1955, it's known as Black Sunday because so much went wrong.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32The first thing was there were 15,000 gate-crashers.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Apparently, it was incredibly easy to counterfeit the tickets,
0:23:35 > 0:23:38plus somebody got a ladder to the parking lot
0:23:38 > 0:23:40and people could pay 5 to climb over the hedge.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44The asphalt had been poured at 6.00 that morning,
0:23:44 > 0:23:46so all the guests' shoes got stuck in it.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49There was a circus parade in which a tiger and a panther broke loose
0:23:49 > 0:23:53- and had a fight.- I mean, if they're going to break loose,
0:23:53 > 0:23:55- at least they've cancelled each other out.- Yes.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Yeah, lucky there were two of them out -
0:23:58 > 0:24:00not the tiger looking for a fight.
0:24:00 > 0:24:05"Release the panther! The tiger's already out!"
0:24:05 > 0:24:07There was a plumbers' strike and so they had to choose
0:24:07 > 0:24:10between drinking fountains and flushing toilets.
0:24:10 > 0:24:11- Definitely flushing toilets.- Yeah!
0:24:11 > 0:24:13If I go to someone's house, "Have you got a toilet?"
0:24:13 > 0:24:15"No, but I've got a drinking fountain."
0:24:17 > 0:24:18There's a drinking fountain,
0:24:18 > 0:24:21but Susan Calman's sitting on it at the moment.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24The premiere of Pinocchio in 1940 is one of my favourite stories.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26So Disney had had a huge success
0:24:26 > 0:24:28with the opening of Snow White, and so they thought they would hire
0:24:28 > 0:24:3211 people of restricted growth, and they put them on the roof of the
0:24:32 > 0:24:35theatre in Pinocchio costumes, they were to just dance around, entertain.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38It was a fantastically hot day, so it was lunchtime,
0:24:38 > 0:24:40so they hoisted up a load of beer to try and calm them down a bit.
0:24:40 > 0:24:44And by three o'clock, apparently, they were belching loudly
0:24:44 > 0:24:47and playing cards in the nude on the roof.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53They refused to either dress or come down,
0:24:53 > 0:24:55and police were sent up on ladders
0:24:55 > 0:24:59and, in the end, the 11 gentlemen were carted away in pillow cases.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02APPLAUSE
0:25:04 > 0:25:09Now, I'm open to a bit of artistic paper folding.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12Of course, the art of making folded paper models
0:25:12 > 0:25:14without cutting the paper comes from...
0:25:14 > 0:25:15Japan.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17KLAXON
0:25:19 > 0:25:22- No.- I forgot about that bit!- Yes!
0:25:23 > 0:25:25It does not come from Japan.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27"Ori" means folding and "kami" means paper,
0:25:27 > 0:25:29so the word "origami" comes from Japan, that is correct.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33But Japanese paper folding was done with white paper,
0:25:33 > 0:25:34which was both folded and cut.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37The modern version, in which we only fold and we don't cut it,
0:25:37 > 0:25:39often done with the coloured paper on one side
0:25:39 > 0:25:41and the white paper on the other side.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44It's actually imported from German kindergartens into Japan,
0:25:44 > 0:25:46after Japan opened its borders in 1860.
0:25:46 > 0:25:51So the answer is that origami as we now understand it is German.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53- Is anybody good at origami?- I did that thing...- Oh, yeah, that one.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56The only thing I've done is that thing where it goes,
0:25:56 > 0:25:57"Pick a number, Josh".
0:25:57 > 0:25:58- Oh...- Three. - SUSAN MUMBLES
0:25:58 > 0:26:00- "Pick a colour."- Red.
0:26:00 > 0:26:01SUSAN MUMBLES
0:26:01 > 0:26:04"He fancies you!" That's all I've done.
0:26:04 > 0:26:05How is it so accurate?!
0:26:08 > 0:26:13- I've got some very good ones for you. So, Josh, you can have...- Oh!
0:26:13 > 0:26:15- A frog.- A little jumping frog.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18And, Rich, you have a jack rabbit. There's a jack rabbit for you.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23- And, Susan, you've got an elephant. - Oh!
0:26:23 > 0:26:26- And, Alan, what's this? - That's a blue whale.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29KLAXON
0:26:29 > 0:26:31APPLAUSE
0:26:34 > 0:26:37- No, THIS is a blue whale. - Oh, of course.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41All these years, still don't recognise it.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44There you are, there's your blue whale.
0:26:44 > 0:26:48These are rather good, these are origami sunglasses. There you are.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51- There's some origami sunglasses. - Thank you.- Thank you very much.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54I'm really not sure what the point of them is because you...
0:26:54 > 0:26:56You actually can't see anything at all.
0:26:56 > 0:27:00We've got some origami boomerangs. Do you want to give these a go?
0:27:00 > 0:27:04- Oh, yes, please.- Yeah. - OK, there's some origami boomerangs.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07There we go, have a go. OK, give it a go.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10- Do you want me to throw this? - Yeah.- Can I stand up for this?
0:27:10 > 0:27:13- Will it make a difference?- Yes.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15APPLAUSE
0:27:17 > 0:27:21I never get to say that to somebody else! OK, go.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28- Oh! Oh.- Oh, not bad, not bad, yes, very good.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Right, Josh is off and running.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Oh, that was very good.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Rich, are you going to give it a go?
0:27:39 > 0:27:40I like yours.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44CHEERING
0:27:49 > 0:27:52A friend of mine, Chris Buddle, is brilliant at origami and he made...
0:27:52 > 0:27:54This is a little badge.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57It is a 1 bill, which he has made into a badge for me.
0:27:57 > 0:27:58Isn't it stunning?
0:27:58 > 0:28:01- And that is without any cutting, it's all folded and beautiful.- Wow!
0:28:01 > 0:28:02Josh, your frog is rather marvellous.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05If you press the back of it, it will... Yes.
0:28:05 > 0:28:09- Well, be less violent with it. - Oh, sorry.- It will jump.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12Be gentle, like you're touching a woman.
0:28:12 > 0:28:15Let me show you. Let me show you, darling.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17APPLAUSE
0:28:19 > 0:28:22I've never wanted someone to fail so much at anything!
0:28:25 > 0:28:28Right, so let's put our origami away, please.
0:28:28 > 0:28:31- Still playing.- My rabbit, look out for the car!
0:28:31 > 0:28:33ASTONISHED LAUGHTER
0:28:38 > 0:28:41Right. I've got oysters, ox horns, wood,
0:28:41 > 0:28:43and a walrus penis.
0:28:43 > 0:28:44What are my plans?
0:28:44 > 0:28:48That's like those old ads in Loot. "I've got...
0:28:48 > 0:28:51"..oysters...ox horns, wood,
0:28:51 > 0:28:53"and a walrus penis.
0:28:54 > 0:28:56"No time-wasters, please.
0:28:58 > 0:29:00"It's a set, I can't break it up."
0:29:05 > 0:29:08Sometimes I watch Nigella Lawson and she always goes,
0:29:08 > 0:29:10"I went to my pantry to make some supper
0:29:10 > 0:29:14"and I had what everyone has, which is some oysters, some oxtails,
0:29:14 > 0:29:15"some wood, and a walrus penis.
0:29:15 > 0:29:18"I'm going to make myself a frittata."
0:29:20 > 0:29:21It's like she's in the room!
0:29:23 > 0:29:26The answer is that all of those materials
0:29:26 > 0:29:28can be used to make windows.
0:29:28 > 0:29:30Can you imagine making windows out of penises?
0:29:30 > 0:29:32Well, let's start with the oyster.
0:29:32 > 0:29:35The windowpane oyster is found in the Philippines
0:29:35 > 0:29:38and the shells... Look at those beautiful windows,
0:29:38 > 0:29:42the stuff in-between the wood there is windowpane oyster.
0:29:42 > 0:29:46The shell lets 80% of the incident light through
0:29:46 > 0:29:47and it's been used for thousands of years.
0:29:47 > 0:29:51It's also incredibly strong. Despite being 99% calcite,
0:29:51 > 0:29:54which is a really brittle mineral, it can withstand multiple blows
0:29:54 > 0:29:57because of the way the material is structured. And it may have
0:29:57 > 0:29:59some uses for the military. They may even have a look at
0:29:59 > 0:30:01windowpane oysters for visors you can see through
0:30:01 > 0:30:04but are also bulletproof. You wouldn't think that from an oyster.
0:30:04 > 0:30:06- Isn't it beautiful?- It's a pity
0:30:06 > 0:30:08they put those two big pillars in front of it.
0:30:08 > 0:30:12Wood, you can have see-through wood. It's being developed, much stronger,
0:30:12 > 0:30:15and more insulating than glass, so we're not really
0:30:15 > 0:30:18interested in the leaves, but to show how much you can see through.
0:30:18 > 0:30:21What you do is you boil the wood in water, sodium hydroxide
0:30:21 > 0:30:23and other chemicals, to remove the lignin,
0:30:23 > 0:30:25so that's the bit that gives wood its colour.
0:30:25 > 0:30:28And then epoxy resin is poured over it to make it stronger.
0:30:28 > 0:30:29- But look how much you can see through.- Wow.
0:30:29 > 0:30:32And cow horn used for windows in medieval times.
0:30:32 > 0:30:35So all of that stuff between is cow horn, and it becomes translucent
0:30:35 > 0:30:37if you soak it in water for three months,
0:30:37 > 0:30:39and then it becomes malleable.
0:30:39 > 0:30:42Now, the walrus penis, and who hasn't wanted to think,
0:30:42 > 0:30:45- "What am I going to do with...?" - "Made a sofa out of the walrus..."
0:30:45 > 0:30:47Yes, historically used in the construction of Arctic dwellings.
0:30:47 > 0:30:51It's stretched over window openings a bit... I don't know how to say this.
0:30:51 > 0:30:53A bit like clingfilm, really.
0:30:53 > 0:30:57- It stretches out?- Well, it depends how excited the walrus is, really.
0:30:57 > 0:30:58Yes, it's a stretchy thing,
0:30:58 > 0:31:01and you can stretch it out and use it a bit like clingfilm.
0:31:01 > 0:31:05- So, it'd be the skin of the penis and not the...the...the...- Penis.
0:31:07 > 0:31:11- I don't know...- Doesn't feel good in your mouth, does it?
0:31:11 > 0:31:13APPLAUSE
0:31:18 > 0:31:21So, the walrus has to stand outside your window
0:31:21 > 0:31:25for the rest of its life, with its cock stretched out.
0:31:29 > 0:31:32A really annoyed walrus.
0:31:32 > 0:31:34- "How did I get this gig?" - "I'm not getting paid enough."
0:31:36 > 0:31:39There's a really wonderful, wonderful thing called Liter of Light,
0:31:39 > 0:31:43and it provides environmentally friendly and cheap lighting through the roofs of small houses.
0:31:43 > 0:31:46What you do is, you cut a small hole in the roof,
0:31:46 > 0:31:49you put a large plastic bottle full of water in it,
0:31:49 > 0:31:51so half the bottle is inside and half the bottle is outside.
0:31:51 > 0:31:53And the bottle acts like a prism.
0:31:53 > 0:31:56And in the daytime you get up to 40 to 60 watts of sunlight
0:31:56 > 0:31:57refracted into the house.
0:31:57 > 0:32:00- Isn't that...? A fantastic project, I think.- Clever.
0:32:00 > 0:32:02But you have to...you have to hold it up like that the whole...
0:32:02 > 0:32:05Yes, the whole time, yeah.
0:32:05 > 0:32:08With a walrus with his penis out.
0:32:08 > 0:32:11Every now and then one of them drops through and kills a child,
0:32:11 > 0:32:13but, apart from that, they're awesome.
0:32:13 > 0:32:15Largest window in the world, anybody?
0:32:15 > 0:32:17- Largest window in the world... - What is one you've seen?
0:32:17 > 0:32:20- I'll narrow it down - Paris. - Oh, in the Pompidou.
0:32:20 > 0:32:23No, it's in Notre Dame, it is the rose window in Notre Dame.
0:32:23 > 0:32:25- Oh, is it?- It's absolutely the largest window in the world.
0:32:25 > 0:32:28Did you see they've just announced that the world's
0:32:28 > 0:32:32largest passenger aircraft windows are going to be, in 2018,
0:32:32 > 0:32:34it's going to be four and a half feet by a foot and a half.
0:32:34 > 0:32:37- Oh, I wouldn't like that. - Would you not?- No, no.
0:32:37 > 0:32:40No. Too... I mean, you could fit out of that.
0:32:40 > 0:32:42I don't think they open.
0:32:42 > 0:32:45That's not a standard measurement of window.
0:32:45 > 0:32:48"Can we have the window one and a half Calmans, please?"
0:32:48 > 0:32:52Is it big enough to shove Susan out at 30,000 feet?
0:32:52 > 0:32:54- Is that what this is? - I never said I'd shove you out!
0:32:54 > 0:32:57It sounded like he wanted to throw me out of the plane, I'll be honest with you.
0:32:57 > 0:33:01I'll be honest, I never get in a London taxi without thinking about you, Susan, because?
0:33:01 > 0:33:05I can stand up completely straight in the back of a black cab.
0:33:05 > 0:33:06Wow!
0:33:06 > 0:33:08APPLAUSE
0:33:12 > 0:33:14Now for a question on job openings.
0:33:14 > 0:33:19What will be the first occupation done exclusively by robots?
0:33:19 > 0:33:22Oh, I hope it's not people on panel shows, otherwise...
0:33:22 > 0:33:24LAUGHTER
0:33:24 > 0:33:28- I would think something like surgery.- OK. Which kind of surgery?
0:33:28 > 0:33:31Keyhole heart surgery, maybe, something like that,
0:33:31 > 0:33:34or brain surgery, where they can be incredibly precise.
0:33:34 > 0:33:38- So, I need you to go the other end. - It would be...anal surgery.
0:33:39 > 0:33:41Wiping arses.
0:33:41 > 0:33:45You have to try and imagine that you are training to be a proctologist
0:33:45 > 0:33:49and you need to, at some point, have a look inside a rectum,
0:33:49 > 0:33:52that's going to be your basic training.
0:33:52 > 0:33:56Until recently, the UK has had only one registered
0:33:56 > 0:34:01rectal teaching assistant, who travels around the country,
0:34:01 > 0:34:06visiting medical schools and offering up his rectum to students.
0:34:06 > 0:34:11- Oh, no, Sandi.- Oh, yes. - But somebody says, "I'll do it!"
0:34:11 > 0:34:13It's a job. "Leave that with me."
0:34:13 > 0:34:15So, there are some problems with this.
0:34:15 > 0:34:19You'd definitely make up what you did for a living, wouldn't you?
0:34:19 > 0:34:22There are a few problems with this. First of all, the strain of training
0:34:22 > 0:34:26an entire country of doctors with one rectum, I think...is pressing.
0:34:26 > 0:34:30And then the problem with using a real person is that the professor,
0:34:30 > 0:34:32who is teaching you, can't really tell
0:34:32 > 0:34:35if you're doing it properly because they can't see what you're doing.
0:34:35 > 0:34:37Sorry, can I just...?
0:34:37 > 0:34:41- Sorry. For the profession of proctologist...- Yes.
0:34:41 > 0:34:46- ..everyone in the country...- Yeah. - ..is using the same person?
0:34:46 > 0:34:50- You can see the problem with this, can't you?- So...
0:34:50 > 0:34:52..you apply for it, or does it...?
0:34:52 > 0:34:54Well, they only got one applicant.
0:34:56 > 0:34:58It's been a problem, so Imperial College
0:34:58 > 0:35:00have come up with a robotic rectum,
0:35:00 > 0:35:02so this guy can go home and sit down.
0:35:02 > 0:35:05There are tiny robotic arms that apply pressure
0:35:05 > 0:35:07to a silicon rectal passage. SUSAN SQUIRMS
0:35:07 > 0:35:11And then the hardware can be changed to different levels of difficulty.
0:35:11 > 0:35:14You can change the size and shape of the rectum...
0:35:15 > 0:35:17..you can change the prostate.
0:35:17 > 0:35:19Eventually, you get to a boss fight at the end.
0:35:21 > 0:35:24And each one of these arseholes costs £25,000.
0:35:26 > 0:35:30So, once the current rectal teaching assistant retires, we will go from
0:35:30 > 0:35:34a workforce of one to a workforce of none, and there will be just robots.
0:35:34 > 0:35:36My arse definitely needs a good looking at.
0:35:36 > 0:35:40CONSTERNATED LAUGHTER
0:35:40 > 0:35:43I've been wondering what to give as a prize this evening.
0:35:49 > 0:35:53The UK's a rectal trailblazer in more ways than one.
0:35:53 > 0:35:56People who have rectums that no longer function
0:35:56 > 0:35:59- can be fitted with a bionic rectum. - Oh, yeah!
0:35:59 > 0:36:02They can fire out their shit over 40 feet!
0:36:05 > 0:36:09Or they just pull their pants down and launch themselves up.
0:36:10 > 0:36:13You know, like Steve Austin, they can get onto the roofs of buildings.
0:36:14 > 0:36:17MAKES LOUD FARTING NOISE
0:36:17 > 0:36:20So was the Six Million Dollar Man technically a robot?
0:36:20 > 0:36:24- Well, depends how much percentage... - He was a cyborg.- Cyborg, yeah.
0:36:24 > 0:36:27- What's the difference?- Depends on how much of you is a robot
0:36:27 > 0:36:29and how much of you is still a human being.
0:36:29 > 0:36:31- RICH:- So, what about Robbie Williams?
0:36:31 > 0:36:33- What about him?- Cyborg or robot?
0:36:33 > 0:36:35LAUGHTER
0:36:35 > 0:36:37That's a game we could play for a very long time.
0:36:37 > 0:36:40I'm going to carry on with my bionic rectum, if it kills me.
0:36:40 > 0:36:43I hope someone's just tuned in at that point.
0:36:47 > 0:36:49Anyway, you take a muscle from the inside of the leg
0:36:49 > 0:36:51and you wrap it around the anus,
0:36:51 > 0:36:53and then you hook it up to the device with electrodes that makes
0:36:53 > 0:36:55the muscle contract or relax with an electric signals.
0:36:55 > 0:36:58So, basically, it can be activated by remote control.
0:36:58 > 0:37:00The only thing I think is, if you have a bionic rectum,
0:37:00 > 0:37:02keep hold of the controls. Don't let your...
0:37:03 > 0:37:05Don't let the children...
0:37:06 > 0:37:09Imagine the panic when you've lost that remote down the sofa.
0:37:11 > 0:37:15Anyway, we salute the passage of the UK's only rectal teaching
0:37:15 > 0:37:19assistant and welcome our new robot bottom overlords.
0:37:19 > 0:37:24Now, it's time to open the floodgates to General Ignorance.
0:37:24 > 0:37:29Fingers on buzzers. When's the best time to rob a bank?
0:37:29 > 0:37:31Yes, Susan?
0:37:32 > 0:37:35- Thursday morning.- Why?
0:37:35 > 0:37:37It's when I'm most free and...
0:37:40 > 0:37:42I think I can fit it in around ten
0:37:42 > 0:37:45and then I've got coffee with Sandi Toksvig.
0:37:46 > 0:37:49Ski season cos everybody would have a ski mask on.
0:37:51 > 0:37:54- There would be a lot more suspects. - Yes.- Alan, do you want
0:37:54 > 0:37:56- to give it a go? - Well, it's either when it's open
0:37:56 > 0:37:57or when it's closed...
0:37:57 > 0:37:59KLAXON
0:38:03 > 0:38:05Bless you. Here's the thing,
0:38:05 > 0:38:07you cannot rob a bank when nobody's there.
0:38:07 > 0:38:10- Why is that? - No-one can open anything.
0:38:10 > 0:38:13No, a robbery's when you steal something by threatening somebody.
0:38:13 > 0:38:16So, if you steal from somewhere and nobody sees you, you know this,
0:38:16 > 0:38:18- you're a lawyer, it's a burglary. - Yeah.
0:38:18 > 0:38:23So, the Hatton Garden heist was actually a burglary, not a robbery.
0:38:23 > 0:38:26I always find, like, a Friday about four o'clock, I think
0:38:26 > 0:38:29- the best time to do anything... - Is Friday at four?
0:38:29 > 0:38:31- ..is Friday about four o'clock. - How are you going to get
0:38:31 > 0:38:34into the safe? You can't even get into a train toilet.
0:38:34 > 0:38:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:38:38 > 0:38:41She could get in the safe, but then it would shut her in again.
0:38:45 > 0:38:48Did you ever study...? I did law, we have it common that we did law.
0:38:48 > 0:38:50- Did you do Harman's Case?- No, no.
0:38:50 > 0:38:53It was a case in 1620 that rather establishes this principle.
0:38:53 > 0:38:57There was a man called Harman and he stole a purse from a man called Halfpenny, or Ha'penny.
0:38:57 > 0:38:59And he was indicted for robbery, so robbery is a felony, and the
0:38:59 > 0:39:02conviction would have meant that he couldn't claim Benefit of Clergy.
0:39:02 > 0:39:05"But the facts were Harman came by him
0:39:05 > 0:39:08"and slipped his hand into his pocket and took out his purse.
0:39:08 > 0:39:11"Halfpenny not suspecting the taking of his purse until turning
0:39:11 > 0:39:13"his eye, he saw it in Harman's hand and then he demanded it.
0:39:13 > 0:39:16"Harman answered him, 'Villain, if thou speakest of thy purse,
0:39:16 > 0:39:19" 'I will pluck thy house over thine ears and drive thee out
0:39:19 > 0:39:22" 'of the country as I did John Somers,' then went away with his purse."
0:39:22 > 0:39:25The physical threat only came after the theft.
0:39:25 > 0:39:28That means he had done it by stealth, that means it wasn't robbery,
0:39:28 > 0:39:30it meant he could claim Benefit of Clergy.
0:39:30 > 0:39:34So, the only time you can rob a bank is when there's somebody there.
0:39:34 > 0:39:38What colour is the pigment in this person's eyes?
0:39:38 > 0:39:41BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH SYMPHONY
0:39:41 > 0:39:44- Yes, Josh?- Mauve.
0:39:44 > 0:39:47Mauve is a very good colour that we hadn't thought of, so...
0:39:49 > 0:39:52APPLAUSE
0:39:57 > 0:40:01I'm going to give you a point for your colour knowledge
0:40:01 > 0:40:03but not because it's correct.
0:40:03 > 0:40:05- OK.- Obviously, it's a bluey-green colour, isn't it?
0:40:05 > 0:40:07KLAXON
0:40:11 > 0:40:14So, everybody has melanin in the iris of their eye
0:40:14 > 0:40:17and all melanin is dark brown in colour.
0:40:17 > 0:40:20The thing is that people with blue eyes have less melanin
0:40:20 > 0:40:23and people with brown eyes have more.
0:40:23 > 0:40:26This is called the Tyndall effect. So, melanin absorbs light -
0:40:26 > 0:40:30if you have less of it, so you have blue eyes, that means that the
0:40:30 > 0:40:34light is not absorbed and, instead, some of the light is reflected back.
0:40:34 > 0:40:38So, people with blue eyes are reflecting back more light.
0:40:38 > 0:40:40So, people with dark brown eyes, are they better, then?
0:40:42 > 0:40:45You just checked my eyes before you said that!
0:40:46 > 0:40:49You looked at me and thought, "I'm going to win this one!"
0:40:49 > 0:40:51So you could have some melanin taken out?
0:40:51 > 0:40:54Change your eye colour - that'll be the latest thing being offered.
0:40:54 > 0:40:57So, it wouldn't be about taking melanin out.
0:40:57 > 0:41:00The easiest way to do it is a corneal tattoo. So what they do is...
0:41:00 > 0:41:03GASPS I know, they inject ink into your cornea.
0:41:03 > 0:41:04No!
0:41:04 > 0:41:06But this has been happening...
0:41:06 > 0:41:09The first recorded incidence that we know of corneal tattooing
0:41:09 > 0:41:12is the 2nd century. The ancient Greek physician, Galen, used ink
0:41:12 > 0:41:16made from pomegranates to change eyes that were disfigured by disease.
0:41:16 > 0:41:19I'm going to get my eyes tattooed with "love" and "hate".
0:41:20 > 0:41:24So, even if your eyes look blue, they are in fact brown.
0:41:24 > 0:41:27To finish off, let's go right back to the origin of man.
0:41:27 > 0:41:29What is happening in this diagram?
0:41:29 > 0:41:32If you reverse that, it's the story of Alabama.
0:41:36 > 0:41:40- Very good. What do we think it is? - Well, it's not right, is it?
0:41:40 > 0:41:44- Why is it not right?- We didn't evolve from monkeys in that way.
0:41:44 > 0:41:47There are various branches of the tree of evolution, aren't there?
0:41:47 > 0:41:50Yeah, the diagram's originally called The Road To Homo Sapiens.
0:41:50 > 0:41:52It was done by an illustrator called Rudolph Zallinger
0:41:52 > 0:41:55and it was to illustrate a book called Early Man.
0:41:55 > 0:41:58Remember those Time-Life Books that were incredibly popular?
0:41:58 > 0:42:01It's most famously known nowadays as the March Of Progress,
0:42:01 > 0:42:03but all of these things are incredibly misleading
0:42:03 > 0:42:05because the road from early primates
0:42:05 > 0:42:08to humans cannot be shown in such a neat diagram.
0:42:08 > 0:42:11So, the first four figures there are in fact offshoots
0:42:11 > 0:42:14to The Road To Homo Sapiens. They aren't ancestors of us at all.
0:42:14 > 0:42:18The original drawing had 15 figures in it and there they are.
0:42:18 > 0:42:20Slightly better. Again, it's got some blind alleys in it -
0:42:20 > 0:42:24species that died out or didn't evolve into modern humans at all.
0:42:24 > 0:42:27And the author said it was not supposed to imply
0:42:27 > 0:42:29- that one led to the other... - But it clearly does.
0:42:29 > 0:42:31What you need in the middle
0:42:31 > 0:42:33are the four Beatles crossing the zebra crossing.
0:42:35 > 0:42:38What is, in terms of human evolution,
0:42:38 > 0:42:42what is the biggest problem with this particular picture?
0:42:42 > 0:42:44Is it the guy second from the left? He's the best one.
0:42:44 > 0:42:47He's spoiling for a fight. Look at him!
0:42:47 > 0:42:49So, this is a picture of the whole of human evolution.
0:42:49 > 0:42:52- There's no women. - There's no bloody women in it!
0:42:52 > 0:42:55There we are, you're absolutely right.
0:42:55 > 0:42:57APPLAUSE
0:42:58 > 0:43:01It's like watching an episode of Mock The Week.
0:43:04 > 0:43:07Which brings us to the open and shut case of the scores.
0:43:07 > 0:43:10And, in fourth place, well, it's magnificent,
0:43:10 > 0:43:12with -25, it's Alan!
0:43:12 > 0:43:14APPLAUSE
0:43:16 > 0:43:19In third place, with -8 points, it's Josh!
0:43:19 > 0:43:22APPLAUSE
0:43:22 > 0:43:24I'll take -8.
0:43:24 > 0:43:27In second place, with 3 points, it's Rich!
0:43:27 > 0:43:29APPLAUSE
0:43:30 > 0:43:33And, tonight's winner, with a magnificent 9 points, it's Susan!
0:43:33 > 0:43:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:42 > 0:43:45So, thank you to Susan, Josh, Rich and Alan,
0:43:45 > 0:43:49and I leave you with advice that Professor Walter Kotschnig
0:43:49 > 0:43:53once gave his students at Holyoke College - "Keep an open mind,
0:43:53 > 0:43:56"but not so open that your brains fall out." Thank you and good night.