0:00:28 > 0:00:30APPLAUSE
0:00:34 > 0:00:38Good evening and welcome to QI,
0:00:38 > 0:00:42where tonight, we are ogling an odditorium of objects and ornaments.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Let's meet some ornaments to their profession.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46The opulent Sarah Millican.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48APPLAUSE
0:00:51 > 0:00:53The ostentatious Cariad Lloyd.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55APPLAUSE
0:00:57 > 0:01:00The oratorical Alice Levine.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02APPLAUSE
0:01:04 > 0:01:06And, objection! Alan Davies.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08APPLAUSE
0:01:13 > 0:01:15And their ornamental noises are from priceless objects
0:01:15 > 0:01:19kindly lent to us by the Victoria and Albert Museum. So, Sarah goes...
0:01:19 > 0:01:21GLASS WIND CHIMES RING
0:01:23 > 0:01:25That's nice, pretty, isn't it? Cariad goes...
0:01:25 > 0:01:27MANTLE CLOCK CHIMES
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Lovely. Alice goes...
0:01:32 > 0:01:34MUSIC BOX LULLABY CHIMES
0:01:34 > 0:01:36LAUGHTER
0:01:40 > 0:01:42And Alan goes...
0:01:42 > 0:01:43TAPPING ON GLASS
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Don't touch the exhibit, sir!
0:01:45 > 0:01:47RUMBLING
0:01:47 > 0:01:48GLASS BREAKS, CRASHING
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Well, that's horribly familiar, that.
0:01:53 > 0:01:59Right, top question, where are you most likely to come across a UFO?
0:01:59 > 0:02:01GLASS WIND CHIMES Yes? Millican?
0:02:01 > 0:02:03In the sky?
0:02:03 > 0:02:04KLAXON
0:02:08 > 0:02:09Anybody else?
0:02:09 > 0:02:11- MANTLE CLOCK CHIMES Yes?- Reading.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Not much happens in Reading, so...
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Don't you think they'd want to go somewhere where
0:02:17 > 0:02:20- the stuff is happening? - No, because they want to be secret.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22The whole of Reading could be aliens, you wouldn't even know.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Why do they want to be secret?
0:02:24 > 0:02:26This big assumption that they come here all this way
0:02:26 > 0:02:28- and then just hide.- That's true.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Somebody knows a lot about them, don't they?
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Near airports, because they always look like planes, weirdly.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35- Yes, that is quite a strange thing, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37They do look like planes. And the answer is the ocean.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40The most common and most dangerous UFOs are
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Unidentified Floating Objects.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45These are pieces of lost cargo and they lie along the shipping routes,
0:02:45 > 0:02:48just under the surface, and they can damage ships tremendously.
0:02:48 > 0:02:49Between 2008-2013,
0:02:49 > 0:02:53an average of about 1,700 shipping containers were lost at sea.
0:02:53 > 0:02:54Look at this picture!
0:02:54 > 0:02:58That is seriously bad packing, isn't it? That's...
0:02:58 > 0:02:59Surely not in one go?
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Well, about half of those 1,700
0:03:01 > 0:03:03came from a single ship, the MOL Comfort.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07The ship actually broke in half and all the containers went into the sea.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09- But that's fair enough, then. - Yeah.- That wasn't careless, was it?
0:03:09 > 0:03:11No. No.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Some of the strange stuff that has washed up in the sea,
0:03:14 > 0:03:18- in 2008, a six-foot-tall Lego man - my people...- What?!
0:03:20 > 0:03:22- ..washed up on Brighton beach. - Aw!- That's amazing.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24The really extraordinary thing is,
0:03:24 > 0:03:26I've been trying to find out what happened to it.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Did they just push it back out to the sea?
0:03:29 > 0:03:30It just swam off.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36If anybody knows, please, could you let me know?
0:03:36 > 0:03:38I want to know where the Brighton Lego man is.
0:03:38 > 0:03:39I'd like to come and say hello.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Why is it never a Lego woman that's washed up?
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Because the Lego woman wasn't beach-ready.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50APPLAUSE
0:03:50 > 0:03:52So...
0:03:53 > 0:03:58February 2017, £50 million worth of cocaine washed up
0:03:58 > 0:04:01on a beach in Norfolk, and I don't know where that is either.
0:04:01 > 0:04:02SHE SNIFFS
0:04:02 > 0:04:05There is a National UFO Reporting Centre, which is
0:04:05 > 0:04:08the UFOs that we normally think of, the Unidentified Flying Objects.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10It was started by a man called Robert Gribble,
0:04:10 > 0:04:14who's a fireman from Seattle and he collects UFO sightings.
0:04:14 > 0:04:19And since 1905, there have been 105,000 reports of alien sightings.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21A tenth of those have been here, in the UK.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24But the photos are never on a camera that's more than one megapixel.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26- Yeah.- It's always conveniently grainy.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28- A little bit fuzzy.- Yeah.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Anybody know the best place in the UK to see a UFO?
0:04:30 > 0:04:33- MANTLE CLOCK CHIMES Yes, Reading!- Reading!- No.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37I think there's some near us. I think there's some aliens near us.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39- Do you?- Because my dog barks at all other dogs,
0:04:39 > 0:04:41but no people, apart from one family near us.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45And whenever they walk past, we just...
0:04:45 > 0:04:48We look at... My husband and I go, "Lizard people."
0:04:48 > 0:04:51And I know that they're walking past going, "He knows."
0:04:53 > 0:04:54- Norfolk.- No, it's not,
0:04:54 > 0:04:56it's Scotland, it's Bonnybridge in Scotland.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59- Oh, yeah, yeah.- It's the place where you are most likely.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01- I don't know why.- Is that one of them? Is that guy an alien?
0:05:01 > 0:05:04This is a man called Billy Buchanan, he's a councillor in Bonnybridge.
0:05:04 > 0:05:09I'm not sure why he photo-bombed our shot of the sign.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12They have 300 sightings a year, roughly, in Bonnybridge.
0:05:12 > 0:05:17- Is it all by one man?- "I've seen another one, and another one."
0:05:17 > 0:05:18He has 65 days off a year.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23It's also known as the Falkirk Triangle.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27The fact is that Bonnybridge is under three flight paths,
0:05:27 > 0:05:29including those for Edinburgh and Glasgow Airports.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32And just...it's your point there, Alice, isn't it?
0:05:32 > 0:05:33I mean, just saying.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36So the very first flying saucers, in fact, weren't even a saucer shape.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39So in 1947, there was a pilot called Kenneth Arnold,
0:05:39 > 0:05:42and he reported seeing nine objects
0:05:42 > 0:05:45whose movement was "like a saucer if you skipped it across the water",
0:05:45 > 0:05:48is what he actually said, he didn't say they looked like flying saucers.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51In fact, they were more sort of crescent shaped or boomerang shaped.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54But the place in America that you would most likely find a UFO
0:05:54 > 0:05:57is Roswell, is the place that everybody thinks about them.
0:05:57 > 0:05:58Again, 1947. I don't know.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01So these are the street lamps in Roswell. Aren't they great?
0:06:01 > 0:06:04- Well, you're not helping matters, are you?- No, not really.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Every night at around 7pm, they come out.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10I really, really love these. They have an annual UFO festival
0:06:10 > 0:06:12where they have an alien pet competition -
0:06:12 > 0:06:16how alien can you make your dog look?
0:06:16 > 0:06:18- A lot of the sightings are near military bases, aren't they?- Yes.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Then people say that it's because
0:06:20 > 0:06:21the military are trying to cover it up.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24But is it actually that it's something military related
0:06:24 > 0:06:26but they can't tell us, because top secret?
0:06:26 > 0:06:29- Or...- Yes.- The military is entirely made up of aliens.
0:06:29 > 0:06:30- LAUGHTER - Yes.
0:06:30 > 0:06:31Just offering that out there.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34- I think you're more likely to be right.- Oh.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36As this is the case, I wondered if I could interest you
0:06:36 > 0:06:39in an insurance policy against alien abduction?
0:06:39 > 0:06:41How much is it?
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Well, for about £120 a year,
0:06:43 > 0:06:46I can protect you against alien impregnation.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51What if I was on the pill?
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Or 41, you know.
0:06:53 > 0:06:58Well, men are also able to purchase impregnation insurance of this kind,
0:06:58 > 0:07:02for protection against the unknown capabilities of alien technology.
0:07:02 > 0:07:06So your pill, not really going to be anywhere.
0:07:06 > 0:07:10- So far, more than 30,000 of these policies have been sold.- No!
0:07:10 > 0:07:13- 30,000?!- Yeah. One I like is called
0:07:13 > 0:07:16the Goodfellow Rebecca Ingrams Pearson policy,
0:07:16 > 0:07:18which, if you put that together, is GRIP.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20So, "Get a GRIP policy."
0:07:20 > 0:07:22LAUGHTER
0:07:22 > 0:07:24I love these insurance policies.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26In 2000, there were three sisters from Inverness
0:07:26 > 0:07:29who insured themselves against the possibility
0:07:29 > 0:07:32of miraculously conceiving and raising the second Christ.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37- I hate it when that happens. - Hate it when that happens, yes.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40But we have worried about UFOs for a very long time.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43Probably the earliest picture that we have of a potential UFO
0:07:43 > 0:07:47was 1561 over the skies in Nuremberg.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50That's the sun, though, isn't it?
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Bear in mind, this is the best they could do for a photo in 1561.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Is that what the sky looked like that day?
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Yes. So they say.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59It lasted for about an hour
0:07:59 > 0:08:01and there were lights and flashes all over the place.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04What we now think it is, it was something called a mock sun
0:08:04 > 0:08:05or a sun dog.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07What you get, you sometimes get ice crystals
0:08:07 > 0:08:09up in the upper part of the sky.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11So it is just the sun reflecting ice crystals,
0:08:11 > 0:08:15but there was a report in the gazette of the town of Nuremberg -
0:08:15 > 0:08:18"At the dawn of April 4th in the sky of Nuremberg,
0:08:18 > 0:08:20"a lot of men and women saw a very alarming spectacle
0:08:20 > 0:08:22"where various objects were involved,
0:08:22 > 0:08:25"including balls approximately three in the length from time to time,
0:08:25 > 0:08:28"four in a square, much remained insulated,
0:08:28 > 0:08:30"and between these balls, one saw a number of crosses
0:08:30 > 0:08:32"with the colour of blood.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34"Then one saw two large pipes in which small and large pipes
0:08:34 > 0:08:36"were three balls, also four or more.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39"All these elements started to fight, one against the other."
0:08:39 > 0:08:41How many balls did our vendor have?
0:08:41 > 0:08:43LAUGHTER
0:08:43 > 0:08:45It might have lost a bit in translation, I think.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Do you think so? Yeah.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Do you think they were, like, paid by the word as well?
0:08:50 > 0:08:54Cos the "colour of blood" could just have been "red".
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Anybody know where the word "gazette" comes from?
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Just a little side bar. I'll give you an extra point if anybody knows.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01I know. I just don't feel like I need to say it right now.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03A small gazer, like a gaze-ette.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05It does sound like that, doesn't it?
0:09:05 > 0:09:06No, is the answer.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09It's a Venetian coin. The very first newspapers in Venice,
0:09:09 > 0:09:12so we're talking early to sort of mid-16th century,
0:09:12 > 0:09:15were sold for a venetian coin called a gazzetta.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17So the newspaper became known as the gazette,
0:09:17 > 0:09:18but it's just the name of the coin,
0:09:18 > 0:09:20like calling it a sixpence or a farthing or something.
0:09:20 > 0:09:25Right - you wake up wrapped in a futon covered in orange paint,
0:09:25 > 0:09:28there's confetti everywhere and you smell of smoke.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30What the heck happened?
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Tha-a-at's Tuesday!
0:09:33 > 0:09:37Now, can anybody, first of all, spot whose face that is, in the picture?
0:09:37 > 0:09:40- We've Photoshopped...- Cariad. - It's Cariad's face.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42How do you not recognise your own face?
0:09:42 > 0:09:43Yeah, I mean, no...
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Sarah, to be honest, as a man,
0:09:45 > 0:09:49sexily posing with spots all over his body and an orange haze,
0:09:49 > 0:09:51I wasn't instantly sure it was me.
0:09:51 > 0:09:52I was!
0:09:52 > 0:09:55OK, so all of those things - smoke and confetti and the futon -
0:09:55 > 0:09:56they are all...
0:09:56 > 0:09:59It sounds like someone dressed as a hot dog maybe, doesn't it?
0:09:59 > 0:10:02If you were to lie in the futon, roll yourself up,
0:10:02 > 0:10:04the orange is almost the kind of mustard,
0:10:04 > 0:10:06- or even the frankfurter...- Yeah.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10My actual answer is going to be so boring by comparison.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12- CARIAD:- Sandi, tell me, what is it?
0:10:12 > 0:10:14They are all methods...
0:10:14 > 0:10:17LAUGHTER
0:10:17 > 0:10:20I would need to take more clothes off, but I'm not going to,
0:10:20 > 0:10:21unlike the picture.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23- Those are all methods of dealing with offenders.- What?
0:10:23 > 0:10:26So, anybody waking up with those has probably committed a crime,
0:10:26 > 0:10:29is the truth of it. Take the orange paintballs,
0:10:29 > 0:10:32they're for shop staff in Japan to throw at offenders.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34They are the size of a tennis ball
0:10:34 > 0:10:36and they are known as "bohan yu kara boru" -
0:10:36 > 0:10:38anti-crime colour balls.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41And the idea, if somebody's committing a crime,
0:10:41 > 0:10:44you throw it at them, and then they are marked and easier to track.
0:10:44 > 0:10:45You have to be good at throwing.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Well, this is the main problem with them.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49- You might hit the wrong person. - Yeah.- Yeah, God.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51So, they are widely distributed,
0:10:51 > 0:10:54and under moments of stress, staff either tend to forget they...
0:11:00 > 0:11:02..the staff tend to forget they've got them...
0:11:02 > 0:11:03- You have no reflexes at all.- No.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Cariad's reflex is just to go into the position in the photo.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12And people forget they've got them or they freeze,
0:11:12 > 0:11:15or they see that the robber is armed and think,
0:11:15 > 0:11:17"That paintball thing, not going to go so well."
0:11:17 > 0:11:20They have signs in the shops where they've got the orange paintballs,
0:11:20 > 0:11:23that does seem to put some people off from robbing them, but...
0:11:23 > 0:11:24That's what they do in Poundland.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27They have a picture of a policeman in the window, because
0:11:27 > 0:11:30if they put a picture of a policeman in the window, people shoplift less.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33- Do they?- Yeah.- So they could put a picture of the balls in the window.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35That's all they need.
0:11:35 > 0:11:36"I have the orange balls."
0:11:38 > 0:11:42- How do you like my orange balls? - "I will take my business elsewhere."
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Do you feel like you should say something though,
0:11:44 > 0:11:46when you throw it, you should be like, "No!"
0:11:46 > 0:11:48- Yeah, like, "Stop!- "Don't!" - "Stop it."- Yeah.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51- "Bad."- "I've seen you." - I quite like that with a robber,
0:11:51 > 0:11:52- "Stop it."- "Stop it!"
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Do you know, I was on a train once,
0:11:54 > 0:11:58and there were some boys who'd had a sherry too many, and they were being
0:11:58 > 0:12:01very vulgar and loud and frightening some people over on the other side.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04And I suddenly stood up and I went, "That will do!"
0:12:08 > 0:12:09APPLAUSE
0:12:12 > 0:12:13They said sorry.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19The other technique was the futon technique, which is also Japanese.
0:12:19 > 0:12:20It deals with drunk or violent people.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23They wrap them up in plastic futons
0:12:23 > 0:12:26and then carry them to cells to calm them down.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30It apparently works. In 2014, the Japanese police fired only six shots
0:12:30 > 0:12:33in the entire country. When the US, if you look at the comparison,
0:12:33 > 0:12:36had 32,599 gun deaths.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38- Whoa. - So this has got to be the answer.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Plastic futons, it seems to be very straightforward.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42I imagine, somehow, that in the US, if they had orange balls,
0:12:42 > 0:12:45- there'd be a lot more orange balls thrown.- Yeah, probably.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47I think it's just general politeness in Japan.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Do you think that's what happened to Donald Trump,
0:12:49 > 0:12:51somebody got him right in the face with an orange ball?
0:12:57 > 0:13:00There's a Japanese office supply company that sells
0:13:00 > 0:13:04wearable futon air mat sets.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07They're sold as the perfect solution to people who sleep at work.
0:13:07 > 0:13:08So you go to work wearing your futon,
0:13:08 > 0:13:10and then you blow it up and lie down and sleep.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13There's a big culture in Japan, it's called imeri,
0:13:13 > 0:13:15- which is you sleep anywhere. - Inemuri.- Yeah.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18It's because they have this thing of, like, you should work so hard
0:13:18 > 0:13:21that you... It's OK to sleep literally anywhere.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23You see people, like, on the side of motorways,
0:13:23 > 0:13:25salary men they call them, just asleep on the side.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Yeah. So the other two I had, I had confetti and smoke machines.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Smoke machines, used in some stores in the UK, they set them off
0:13:31 > 0:13:34and it obscures the view of any stuff in the shop, whatsoever.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36And makes it like an '80s music video.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40"So, we're really mad that you're robbing us, but..."
0:13:40 > 0:13:41# Whooooaaa... #
0:13:41 > 0:13:43And confetti is another safety mechanism.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45When you fire a Taser gun, apparently,
0:13:45 > 0:13:48it also releases a tiny amount of confetti.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51- Oh, how lovely.- Well, you know, kind of, "Ow!", but, "Ooh, nice."
0:13:53 > 0:13:55"My heart's stopped! Aaaah."
0:13:55 > 0:13:57If you look in the middle picture, you can just see little bits,
0:13:57 > 0:14:00- tiny, coloured bits of confetti. - Has somebody literally thought,
0:14:00 > 0:14:04"Oh, I mean, it's so sad, let's jazz it up when they get tasered."
0:14:04 > 0:14:07It's supposed to deter people using Tasers to commit crimes.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09In order to get a Taser, you have to register it with the company,
0:14:09 > 0:14:12and then you get a specific number, that number's on the confetti
0:14:12 > 0:14:14to make sure that bad people don't use them.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16You know what they could have done instead?
0:14:16 > 0:14:18when I got married, people threw confetti, which was lovely,
0:14:18 > 0:14:21cos it's, like, pretend-y flowers, but some people threw rice,
0:14:21 > 0:14:25and I don't know if you know this, but rice really hurts.
0:14:25 > 0:14:26It's like being pelted with grit.
0:14:28 > 0:14:29So, anyway -
0:14:29 > 0:14:34what was Lord Montagu's secretary doing on the bonnet of his car?
0:14:34 > 0:14:36- Wow!- Hmm.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40I don't know, but she called a lot of people before she did it.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42It must have been a warm day.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Was she a cog in the patriarchy, but she was getting paid for it,
0:14:45 > 0:14:47so in a way it was OK, because of the time?
0:14:49 > 0:14:50It's possible I love you, Cariad.
0:14:52 > 0:14:53Er, no.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55He was Lord Montagu of...?
0:14:55 > 0:14:58- Beaulieu.- Lord Montagu of Beaulieu. What is Beaulieu famous for?
0:14:58 > 0:15:02- Motor Museum.- Motor Museum. So cars, we're talking about cars.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05This is a bit like how they used to entice you to buy lots of things.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Like washing machines, you're like, "Do I want a washing machine?
0:15:08 > 0:15:11"Oh, a sexy lady is sat on it! I now want that washing machine."
0:15:12 > 0:15:15He was particularly associated with one motorcar.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18- A British-made one?- Yes, beautiful, amazing...- A Bentley?
0:15:18 > 0:15:20- No, possibly, I think, the... - A Ford Ka.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25The most beautiful car of all time.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27- Rolls-Royce?- Rolls-Royce! - Rolls-Royce, absolutely right.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30- Oh, was she the lady? - Yes, the iconic figure.- Ah!
0:15:32 > 0:15:33The Spirit of Ecstasy.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Eleanor Thornton, she was the secretary to
0:15:36 > 0:15:40John Walter Douglas-Scott-Montagu, second Baron Montagu of Beaulieu.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42A motoring pioneer.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45And he commissioned a figure as a personal mascot
0:15:45 > 0:15:47on the front of the 1910 Rolls-Royce Silver Ghost.
0:15:47 > 0:15:48It was called The Whisper.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51And so the original one was like that,
0:15:51 > 0:15:54because, allegedly, it was a secret love affair that they were having.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58It's not that secret if you've put it on the front of all the cars.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Was his wife like, "Oh, right, I see,
0:16:00 > 0:16:04"so you based that on your secretary, but nothing's going on?"
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Yeah, the figure was sometimes known as Ellie in her nightie.
0:16:07 > 0:16:08That's the thing about it.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11- Which doesn't sound dodgy at all, does it?- No, it doesn't.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13To be fair, you wouldn't necessarily know who that was.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15You'd be like, "Does he work with anyone with one eye,
0:16:15 > 0:16:18"a moustache, a crew cut
0:16:18 > 0:16:20"and one mono-boob?"
0:16:20 > 0:16:22"His secretary!"
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Over the years, people have put lots of ornaments
0:16:24 > 0:16:28and the choice is not always suitable for the sort of things that people have had.
0:16:28 > 0:16:29So there's been...
0:16:31 > 0:16:33- Oh, my God.- So that's why they standardised it.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35The Whisper became the Spirit of Ecstasy,
0:16:35 > 0:16:37because they didn't want people doing that kind of thing.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40- And then...- The middle one says Spirit of Ecstasy to me, though.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42We couldn't actually get the car ornament,
0:16:42 > 0:16:44so this is a little model.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46You've skewered a robin.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49In 1907, a picture was circulated of a robin impaled on a car ornament,
0:16:49 > 0:16:52and there was a terrible backlash against having ornaments at all.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54They were banned. In fact, if you have them today,
0:16:54 > 0:16:56they have to be spring-loaded and all kinds of things.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58The ornithologists are going to be on, Sandi.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00- I know.- They're going to be curious.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02The DVLA has a banned list of licence plates that runs
0:17:02 > 0:17:06to 46 pages, things that you may not have as your licence.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08- Bollocks.- Well, kind of.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11So, this one is supposed to be rude
0:17:11 > 0:17:13if you read it in your rear view mirror.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15So can anybody work it out?
0:17:15 > 0:17:18- Oral...- I nearly just did that!
0:17:19 > 0:17:20I haven't got a mirror with me.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24Yeah, it's supposed to be oral sex. Anyway, it's banned, it's banned.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26"Banned! Banned!
0:17:26 > 0:17:28"Ban! Possible humour - banned!"
0:17:30 > 0:17:32"Possible smiling - banned!
0:17:32 > 0:17:35"No smiling on the road - banned!
0:17:35 > 0:17:37"Do not think of sex! Banned!
0:17:37 > 0:17:40"Stop it, stop it!"
0:17:40 > 0:17:44- See if you can work out these other ones?- "Filth!"
0:17:44 > 0:17:46- Top left?- Doggers.- Doggers.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49Doggers. "Banned! Banned! No intercourse."
0:17:49 > 0:17:52- Heroin?- Heroin.- Oh, scrotum. - Scrotum.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54- SARAH:- Oh, scrotum. - "How dare you! I feel sick!"
0:17:54 > 0:17:56- What's the bottom one?- Alcohol.- Oh.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58"Banned! No!"
0:17:58 > 0:18:00It's fair enough to ban alcohol.
0:18:00 > 0:18:04I love that Sarah just went, "Oh, scrotum, are these available ones?
0:18:05 > 0:18:08- In America, you can buy these, OK? - Oh, Sandi.- I know.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11- Do you know how to handle them? - Hang on a second...
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Hang on a minute.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16I've totally got this. "Cough."
0:18:16 > 0:18:19When you said cough, did you just breathe in a little,
0:18:19 > 0:18:22- have a little sniff? - She did, she went, "Cough,"
0:18:22 > 0:18:25- and then she went, "Wahey!"- Hey!
0:18:25 > 0:18:28This is a sight you will see nowhere else in the world.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Alan, is that normal size?
0:18:31 > 0:18:32Well, they're a little small.
0:18:35 > 0:18:36- They're called...- Jesus!
0:18:37 > 0:18:39They're called truck nuts.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43- Wow! - And they are genitals for your car.
0:18:43 > 0:18:47- Do you know what, I'm all right thanks.- Oh, come on. "Banned!"
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Well, they have been banned in some states.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Have they? Truck nuts? What, you hang them on your truck?
0:18:52 > 0:18:53Yes, look, there. See the picture.
0:18:57 > 0:18:58What's wrong with that?
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Some states have banned them for indecency.
0:19:02 > 0:19:03In Virginia, the law states,
0:19:03 > 0:19:06"No person shall display upon or equip any motor vehicle
0:19:06 > 0:19:08"with any device that depicts, represents or resembles
0:19:08 > 0:19:11"human genitalia, regardless of size or scale."
0:19:11 > 0:19:14LAUGHTER
0:19:14 > 0:19:15Right, moving on.
0:19:15 > 0:19:19Describe the world's best-dressed crab.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21MUSIC BOX LULLABY CHIMES Alice?
0:19:21 > 0:19:25I'm going to say a little bit of lime, some chilli, some mayo,
0:19:25 > 0:19:28and then just, yeah, served with, like, brown bread, probably.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30- That does sound delicious. - Sounds good, doesn't it?- Yeah.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33- But I'm actually talking about a live crab.- You didn't say that.
0:19:33 > 0:19:34No, I didn't. I should be clearer.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37- A lot of the things you've said tonight have been ambiguous.- Yes.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40- And that's difficult for me. - Welcome to the show.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Is it in a shell suit?
0:19:44 > 0:19:46APPLAUSE
0:19:49 > 0:19:51I'm proud to be your friend.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54No. There's something called a dresser crab,
0:19:54 > 0:19:55or indeed the decorator crab.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59And what it does is it gathers material from all around itself
0:19:59 > 0:20:01in order to blend in with the surroundings.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03So it's basically making camouflage clothing.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06They cover their shells in seaweed, in sponge and pearls,
0:20:06 > 0:20:09chewing on the material in order to make it fibrous,
0:20:09 > 0:20:10and then it attaches it to itself.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14It's got, like, little, tiny Velcro bits on its claws and legs.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16I love this one, it's seriously getting dressed-up.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20That's Cardiff on a Saturday night, that is.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22That's proper getting ready.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25And they're found off the coast of Australia. They're tiny.
0:20:25 > 0:20:26Just over 1.5 inches.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28And sometimes what they do is they put noxious stuff on them
0:20:28 > 0:20:31to ward off predators. It's called aposematism.
0:20:31 > 0:20:32It's called Lynx.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Other sprays are available.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41But there are lots of what we call augmented animals,
0:20:41 > 0:20:43so, animals who make themselves look a bit different.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46One of my favourites, Uraba lugens caterpillar.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50- It keeps its old heads and wears them as hats.- What?!
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Oh, my God.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56That is hoarding gone mad.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58As it grows, it sheds its exoskeleton
0:20:58 > 0:21:02and the protrusion on the top of the head remains,
0:21:02 > 0:21:05and eventually it has a stack, which it uses both as a weapon
0:21:05 > 0:21:08and as a false target for any would-be predators.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10It's known as the Mad Hatterpillar.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12- Yeah, I mean it would be, wouldn't it?- Yeah.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15Found in Australia and New Zealand. Isn't it wonderful?
0:21:15 > 0:21:17- That's incredible. - He doesn't even need that.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20Look how much you'd remember him anyway.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22- Yeah.- "You know the one, do you remember the guy,
0:21:22 > 0:21:25"you met him last week, he had five heads on his, five heads as a hat."
0:21:25 > 0:21:27- Five-Head Gary, yeah. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30There's another one which is a beetle that lives
0:21:30 > 0:21:33in the Costa Rican rainforest. It's called Nymphister kronaueri
0:21:33 > 0:21:36and it disguises itself as an army ant's bottom.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39So, that looks like it's just an ant,
0:21:39 > 0:21:40but the bit that is a protrusion,
0:21:40 > 0:21:44as if the ant has got terrible haemorrhoids, is actually a beetle.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47And what it does is, it bites onto the ant
0:21:47 > 0:21:50and then it rides around disguised as an army ant's bottom.
0:21:50 > 0:21:55- What a life.- We've all done it. - What a life, I know.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58There are lots of creatures that live with ants.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01They're called myrmecophiles, so they love ants.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04This is the very first one that attaches itself for a ride.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07Do you think the ant knows what's happening,
0:22:07 > 0:22:10why it's got an extra bum?
0:22:10 > 0:22:13Or do you think the ant is like, "Oh, my God, the piles are back?"
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Yeah.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18- It'd keep going like that, wouldn't it?- "What the hell is that?"
0:22:18 > 0:22:21"There's something... I'm sure there's something..."
0:22:21 > 0:22:23And the beetle's like that...
0:22:25 > 0:22:27"Oh, no, no.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29"You never see me."
0:22:31 > 0:22:34- And every now and then it goes... - HUMS TWILIGHT ZONE THEME
0:22:34 > 0:22:36"I can hear something, I can hear something."
0:22:36 > 0:22:39But then the ant will shit in its face.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41"Ugh, you ruined it!"
0:22:41 > 0:22:43"You were behind me, you cheeky beetle!"
0:22:45 > 0:22:46All the other ants are going,
0:22:46 > 0:22:48"You haven't put on any weight, you look fine."
0:22:48 > 0:22:50"Oh, really, are you sure?" "You look fine."
0:22:50 > 0:22:51Then the five-head caterpillar goes,
0:22:51 > 0:22:53"Have you seen him? He's hanging onto his arse."
0:22:53 > 0:22:55"Shut up!" "He's hanging onto his arse."
0:22:55 > 0:22:57"Well, he can't possibly be living down there."
0:22:57 > 0:22:59"He is, he's on his arse!"
0:23:02 > 0:23:03"There's a beetle on the ant's arse."
0:23:03 > 0:23:05"There's a beetle on the ant's arse?"
0:23:05 > 0:23:06"Yes, I can see it from here."
0:23:06 > 0:23:08"Swap places, swap places." "All right."
0:23:10 > 0:23:14"Oh, there is, there is, there's a beetle on the ant's arse!
0:23:14 > 0:23:15"Go and have a look." "All right."
0:23:16 > 0:23:20"I can't get up there, why am I always at the bottom?"
0:23:20 > 0:23:22APPLAUSE
0:23:29 > 0:23:31- Something like that.- I like that they're all from the same animal,
0:23:31 > 0:23:34but they're all from different regions, different places.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Isn't there a thing - you can have your bottom made bigger?
0:23:36 > 0:23:39- Can you do that? - Bottom implants, yeah.- Can you?
0:23:39 > 0:23:41I just eat more.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43How do you guarantee that it goes to the bottom?
0:23:43 > 0:23:45- You just sit a lot.- OK.
0:23:47 > 0:23:51Now, what is the lady at the back of this picture saying?
0:23:51 > 0:23:53"What's going on?"
0:23:53 > 0:23:56- Has she got a mask on? - She has got a mask on.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Is she wondering how she's keeping her mask on?
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Because I can't see any elastic.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03That is exactly the question. So, these are black velvet masks.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06We haven't got black velvet ones, but we have got masks for you.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09They were worn in the 16th century, and the way you kept them on,
0:24:09 > 0:24:12there's a sort of a bead, but we've done a button for you there.
0:24:12 > 0:24:13And you put that in your mouth.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16If anyone turns on now, this is like an episode of Black Mirror.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21So the answer is, she's not saying anything, because she's using...
0:24:21 > 0:24:24- MUFFLED:- Because she's got a button in her mouth.- Sorry, what?
0:24:24 > 0:24:26- She's got a button... - MOCK MUFFLED: She's got a button in her mouth.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Is exactly right.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30She's saying, "I'm not marrying a hippo."
0:24:34 > 0:24:35Why...?
0:24:40 > 0:24:44The glasses are a triumph, if I may say so.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47I have a re-occurring nightmare and it's this. This, right here.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Why might she be wearing it? What's the reason?
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Is it scars from horrible sexually transmitted diseases?
0:24:52 > 0:24:54She's proving how rich she is. So how is she doing that?
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Oh, to keep her skin so white?
0:24:56 > 0:24:59- I was going to say, she looks almost as pale as me.- Yeah.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01So, the idea is to avoid sunburn.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03The most complete example that we have of one of these
0:25:03 > 0:25:06is the Daventry Mask, which was discovered - there it is -
0:25:06 > 0:25:08in Northamptonshire, found inside a wall while they were
0:25:08 > 0:25:10renovating a 16th-century building. And the idea is...
0:25:10 > 0:25:13They've spent about five seconds making that, haven't they?
0:25:19 > 0:25:21"You'd be better off not going out!"
0:25:23 > 0:25:25The idea was to say, "I'm too rich to get a tan,
0:25:25 > 0:25:27"I don't work in the fields, I'm a fantastically wealthy person."
0:25:27 > 0:25:29They do that in Vietnam, you know.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32You'll go on a beach and all the girls are completely covered.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Their face is covered, arms covered right up to there
0:25:34 > 0:25:37cos they want to have white skin, otherwise you look like a peasant.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40- I have to wear factor 50. - Do you burn badly?
0:25:40 > 0:25:42I don't take a glowing tan.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Yeah, I look like a newborn fish. You can see, like, through my skin
0:25:46 > 0:25:47and see my organs, yeah.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49- That's deeply unpleasant. - Yeah, it is.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54The lady in our painting is actually wearing something called
0:25:54 > 0:25:57a moretta muta, it was a Venetian variation on the mask.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Does anybody know what this painting is?
0:25:59 > 0:26:02It's a wonderful painting of Clara the Rhinoceros, from 1751.
0:26:02 > 0:26:03This is a sort of sad story.
0:26:03 > 0:26:0617 years, she was toured round Europe, and of course it was
0:26:06 > 0:26:08an extraordinary thing, nobody had ever seen rhinoceroses.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11They've just taken the horn off, is that what they've done?
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Well, as far as we know, the year before she was displayed in Venice,
0:26:14 > 0:26:17she had rubbed the horn off in Rome, where she was on display.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20So, clearly, an animal in some distress. And she eventually...
0:26:20 > 0:26:23Whenever I'm in distress, I rub a horn. Always. Yeah.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Eventually, she came to Britain. In fact, she died in Lambeth,
0:26:26 > 0:26:28at the Horse and Groom pub, where she was being shown for sixpence.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31We've all died at the Horse and Groom.
0:26:33 > 0:26:34So, your factor 50 -
0:26:34 > 0:26:37in 1938, there was a chemistry student called Franz Greiter.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40He got sunburned while he was climbing
0:26:40 > 0:26:42the Piz Buin peak in the Alps.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44He went on to develop sunscreen,
0:26:44 > 0:26:46which he called glacier cream,
0:26:46 > 0:26:48but we now know it as the company that is named after the mountain.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50That's what they say in Wales,
0:26:50 > 0:26:53if you've been sick the next morning from alcohol,
0:26:53 > 0:26:55- "I was piz buin." Instead of spewing.- Is that right?
0:26:55 > 0:26:59"I was hanging and I've been piz buin all morning."
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Wouldn't he be proud to know that?
0:27:03 > 0:27:05- So, Alan, I've got a question just for you.- Oh.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08What is the largest creature that gets sunburn?
0:27:12 > 0:27:13Blue whale?
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Yes, it is!
0:27:15 > 0:27:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:23 > 0:27:25It spends less time breathing at the surface,
0:27:25 > 0:27:27about two minutes, than the sperm whale,
0:27:27 > 0:27:28which spends about ten minutes,
0:27:28 > 0:27:32but the blue pigmentation means it is more likely to get sunburned.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Very vulnerable. Yes. It's a lot of Ambre Solaire.
0:27:35 > 0:27:39Where would you find these ornaments?
0:27:39 > 0:27:41- MANTLE CLOCK CHIMES - Oh.- Yes?
0:27:41 > 0:27:43- That is an orchid.- It is.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45That's genuinely called something like the...
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Oh, like, the hanging willy man, or something.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49- It's called the Orchis italica. - Oh, OK!
0:27:51 > 0:27:53"Ha-ha-ha! The Orchis italica!"
0:27:55 > 0:27:58"Ha-ha-ha-ha!"
0:27:58 > 0:28:00It's known amongst gardeners as, like, the naked man, isn't it?
0:28:00 > 0:28:04- It is called the naked man orchid, is its nickname. - People who can't do Latin, like.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07- FARMER VOICE:- "My naked man's come up lovely this year."
0:28:07 > 0:28:09"I've got 16 naked men in my garden."
0:28:09 > 0:28:13"I've been giving a lot of attention to my naked man."
0:28:13 > 0:28:16Which is funny, because the orchid is named after the female genitalia.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18That's where the Latin comes from.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20I think the orchid's name means testicles.
0:28:20 > 0:28:23You've got your genitalia round the wrong way, which...
0:28:23 > 0:28:26- That could explain a lot. - I can help you with that.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32But orchids come in the most wonderful shapes.
0:28:32 > 0:28:35There's one shaped like the laughing bumblebee, on the left there.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38- Wow.- The other one is the swaddled baby.- Yeah, yeah.
0:28:38 > 0:28:41And then the one on the right, it's a birthwort flower.
0:28:41 > 0:28:44- Do you not think it looks a bit like Darth Vader?- Yes.
0:28:44 > 0:28:45That's an STI.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51"I'm not going to come in,
0:28:51 > 0:28:53"I'm just going to send you a photograph of it."
0:28:54 > 0:28:57"I can't get any clothes on with this thing.
0:28:57 > 0:29:00"Could we Skype? Could we Skype it?"
0:29:00 > 0:29:02It is known as a Dutchman's pipe, is its nickname.
0:29:02 > 0:29:04Oh! You do not want one of those.
0:29:04 > 0:29:06Apparently it stinks, it smells of rotting flesh.
0:29:06 > 0:29:09So what it does - those membranes, which look like eyes,
0:29:09 > 0:29:11are really, really thin and it lets the light through.
0:29:11 > 0:29:14The insects are attracted to the smell of the rotting flesh.
0:29:14 > 0:29:16Then they go down into those little holes there,
0:29:16 > 0:29:19and they get trapped in hairs and it makes them shake about,
0:29:19 > 0:29:22like that, and they get pollen all over themselves,
0:29:22 > 0:29:24and then the hairs wither away just before the insect dies
0:29:24 > 0:29:26and the insect can release itself from the flower
0:29:26 > 0:29:28and go and pollinate. Isn't it amazing?
0:29:28 > 0:29:31- No, orchid means testicles, because in...- Sorry, I got my...
0:29:31 > 0:29:35In middle English it was called bollockwort.
0:29:35 > 0:29:38I think you would have got that one. You would have known that one.
0:29:38 > 0:29:41The next time you're backstage with somebody and a marvellous orchid
0:29:41 > 0:29:43has been delivered, you go, "Oh, nice bollockwort."
0:29:43 > 0:29:45I think we should bring that back.
0:29:45 > 0:29:47Bollockwort is much better than orchids.
0:29:47 > 0:29:50I've got two lovely bollockworts, actually, on my windowsill.
0:29:50 > 0:29:52- Good for you.- Hmm.
0:29:52 > 0:29:55Talking about mimicry, have a look at these.
0:29:55 > 0:29:57- These are snapdragons. - Oh, yeah, skull ones. Yeah.
0:29:57 > 0:30:00- Oooh.- Snapdragon skulls. Amazing.
0:30:00 > 0:30:02So there was a mania for collecting orchids,
0:30:02 > 0:30:04it was called orchid delirium.
0:30:04 > 0:30:06It hit the UK in the early 19th century.
0:30:06 > 0:30:08There was a naturalist called William John Swainson,
0:30:08 > 0:30:11and he packed some orchids which hadn't flowered,
0:30:11 > 0:30:14he mistook them for weeds, and he used them as packaging material.
0:30:14 > 0:30:16When they arrived in Britain, they burst into bloom,
0:30:16 > 0:30:17and people couldn't believe it.
0:30:17 > 0:30:19Flowers were beginning to change hands
0:30:19 > 0:30:22for more than 1,000 per plant. Amazing amounts of money.
0:30:22 > 0:30:25About 25 grand they were exchanging for a single plant.
0:30:25 > 0:30:27- Isn't it amazing? - For one bollockwort?
0:30:27 > 0:30:28For one bollockwort, yes.
0:30:28 > 0:30:31What you really want is a pair, obviously.
0:30:31 > 0:30:33One of the UK's rarest plants is an orchid,
0:30:33 > 0:30:35it's a beautiful thing called the ghost orchid.
0:30:35 > 0:30:37It was first discovered in Britain in 1845,
0:30:37 > 0:30:40and isn't it delicate and amazing?
0:30:40 > 0:30:42They were seen 11 more times in the 1950s,
0:30:42 > 0:30:44sometimes a few...
0:30:44 > 0:30:46It was one of the rarest things. Anybody who was interested in plants
0:30:46 > 0:30:49wanted to find one of these ghost orchids.
0:30:49 > 0:30:50There's a sweet story,
0:30:50 > 0:30:52there was a motorbike salesman called Mark Jannink.
0:30:52 > 0:30:56He was searching and searching, and in 2009 he finally found one.
0:30:56 > 0:30:59Apparently when he saw it, he said, "Hello, you. So there you are."
0:30:59 > 0:31:04- Aw! You can see some today in the Welsh National Herbarium.- Of course.
0:31:04 > 0:31:06- There's a lovely vase of them.- Yes.
0:31:09 > 0:31:11So they get their name, partly because of the colour,
0:31:11 > 0:31:13but also they were a little bit spooky, they have no chlorophyll
0:31:13 > 0:31:16at all, so all plants, we think, have photosynthesis,
0:31:16 > 0:31:18that's how they stay alive. But it's a parasite.
0:31:18 > 0:31:19It steals energy from funguses below,
0:31:19 > 0:31:21so it can live in the dark, shaded woods.
0:31:21 > 0:31:24That's another reason why we can't find them. Aren't they gorgeous?
0:31:24 > 0:31:25I like the one with the cock more.
0:31:27 > 0:31:29What I like about you, Sarah, is you're reliable.
0:31:35 > 0:31:39Now, name an object that is designed to fail.
0:31:39 > 0:31:41MUSIC BOX LULLABY CHIMES Yes, Alice.
0:31:41 > 0:31:45I feel like all phones and laptops are designed to fail
0:31:45 > 0:31:47after exactly 24 months.
0:31:47 > 0:31:49Weirdly, when your contract's up, they just...
0:31:49 > 0:31:51They just stop working immediately.
0:31:51 > 0:31:53There does seem to be something in that, doesn't there?
0:31:53 > 0:31:55It's a thing called planned obsolescence.
0:31:55 > 0:31:58Built-in obsolescence. All white goods have it.
0:31:58 > 0:32:01- Yeah.- Eventually they fall apart and you have to buy another one.
0:32:01 > 0:32:04So it started in the 1920s. There was a group of light bulb companies
0:32:04 > 0:32:06known as the Phoebus cartel.
0:32:06 > 0:32:10They got together to reduce the lifespan of a light bulb
0:32:10 > 0:32:13down to 1,000 hours. They used to test each other's light bulbs.
0:32:13 > 0:32:16There were fines levied if your light bulb was able to last longer.
0:32:16 > 0:32:18The idea was that you deliberately gave all your products
0:32:18 > 0:32:20a limited life span.
0:32:20 > 0:32:23Aren't there still light bulbs that work from yesteryear?
0:32:23 > 0:32:25Ooh, there's a light bulb in a Californian fire station
0:32:25 > 0:32:28which is still going after 115 years.
0:32:28 > 0:32:30Weirdly, there's a webcam...
0:32:31 > 0:32:33Oh, I totally want to look at that.
0:32:33 > 0:32:36..that you can look at to make sure that it's actually working.
0:32:36 > 0:32:39But, I mean, the modern energy saving light bulb,
0:32:39 > 0:32:41I can see nothing when they're on.
0:32:41 > 0:32:43What about the ones that come on a bit,
0:32:43 > 0:32:46- and then they come on really slowly...- I like those ones.
0:32:46 > 0:32:48You can use those ones for, like, sort of sexy time.
0:32:48 > 0:32:50- Yeah.- If you're quick.
0:32:50 > 0:32:52"Getting brighter! It's getting brighter!"
0:32:54 > 0:32:58"Oh, I'm getting... Oh, no! Aaaarrrrgh!"
0:33:00 > 0:33:02"Get the mask! Get the mask!"
0:33:03 > 0:33:05Well, those modern energy saving light bulbs,
0:33:05 > 0:33:07they last about 2,500 hours.
0:33:07 > 0:33:09But there are lots of planned obsolescences.
0:33:09 > 0:33:12So DuPont, who invented nylon in the 1930s.
0:33:12 > 0:33:14Nylon, tough stuff, you make parachutes out of it, right?
0:33:14 > 0:33:18It's fantastic stuff. But they were reportedly told to make it fragile
0:33:18 > 0:33:20- for making nylon tights. - That's so irritating.
0:33:20 > 0:33:22Why did they do that to us?
0:33:22 > 0:33:23Do people still put nail polish on their...?
0:33:23 > 0:33:26Yeah, I used to put nail polish on, and then you'd forget,
0:33:26 > 0:33:28- and it had stuck to your leg.- Yeah. - Took a couple of hairs out,
0:33:28 > 0:33:31if you were lucky, so you didn't have to shave that bit.
0:33:31 > 0:33:35I only ever had red nail polish. I looked like a mild burns victim.
0:33:35 > 0:33:37You have to use the clear nail polish.
0:33:37 > 0:33:40Yeah. In the 1920s, the American car market was saturated,
0:33:40 > 0:33:43and the head of General Motors, a man called Alfred P Sloan,
0:33:43 > 0:33:46he came up with the idea of changing the design each year.
0:33:46 > 0:33:49That was the idea. It's called dynamic obsolescence.
0:33:49 > 0:33:52The idea is you say, "I want the new car."
0:33:52 > 0:33:55There was a man called Bernard London in 1932, wrote a book
0:33:55 > 0:33:58called Ending The Depression Through Planned Obsolescence.
0:33:58 > 0:34:00That's why they invented that ham with the face on it.
0:34:00 > 0:34:04- Sorry?- Because people bought ham, but then they were like,
0:34:04 > 0:34:05"How do we change up ham?"
0:34:05 > 0:34:08So then they put a face on it, and everyone was like, "Great.
0:34:08 > 0:34:10"Face meat. This is so much better."
0:34:11 > 0:34:13There's meat with a face on it?
0:34:13 > 0:34:14That's called a pig.
0:34:17 > 0:34:20The other thing, of course, that seems to me
0:34:20 > 0:34:23to have planned obsolescence is bloody printer cartridges.
0:34:23 > 0:34:27- Yeah.- Finally, someone's talking about the big issues.- I know!
0:34:27 > 0:34:30In North America, more than 350 million
0:34:30 > 0:34:33often not empty cartridges are dumped every single year.
0:34:33 > 0:34:36- That's a lot.- Does everybody have a printer that doesn't work, though,
0:34:36 > 0:34:37- under a chest of drawers?- Yes.
0:34:37 > 0:34:40I don't remember mine ever working, but it must have printed once.
0:34:40 > 0:34:42Now I just keep it under a chest of drawers.
0:34:42 > 0:34:44Why are you keeping it?
0:34:44 > 0:34:46Well, exactly. You've got one. We've all got one.
0:34:46 > 0:34:48- Why do we keep them? - Yeah, I've got a couple of those.
0:34:48 > 0:34:50- Yeah.- About four computers and eight phones.
0:34:50 > 0:34:53Someone's doing all right for themselves.
0:34:56 > 0:34:59I had a fax machine until fairly recently.
0:34:59 > 0:35:00Shall I tell you what I've got?
0:35:00 > 0:35:03No matter how many times you clear out the under stairs cupboard,
0:35:03 > 0:35:04there's a fondue set.
0:35:06 > 0:35:09You clear it out, you get rid of it, it goes to the charity shop.
0:35:09 > 0:35:11Next time you clear it, there's a bloody fondue set.
0:35:11 > 0:35:15Do you know what? That's the most relatable thing I've heard all day.
0:35:15 > 0:35:17Now, the object of the game is to avoid the klaxons,
0:35:17 > 0:35:19as we play General Ignorance.
0:35:19 > 0:35:20So, fingers on buzzers, please.
0:35:21 > 0:35:24What would a medieval knight call this?
0:35:24 > 0:35:26- Chain mail.- Chain mail. KLAXON
0:35:31 > 0:35:34- No, it's just mail.- Oh.- I know.
0:35:34 > 0:35:36Is that like saying PIN number?
0:35:36 > 0:35:38Yes, it is what's called a Victorian pleonasm.
0:35:38 > 0:35:41It's when you use many more words to explain something
0:35:41 > 0:35:44than is necessary, you don't really need that many words.
0:35:44 > 0:35:47- Isn't that QI?- It is QI, yes.
0:35:47 > 0:35:50It's only been called chain mail since the turn of the 19th century.
0:35:50 > 0:35:52We could save valuable time,
0:35:52 > 0:35:54couldn't we, by dropping the extra word?
0:35:54 > 0:35:56I think I'd save days a year.
0:35:56 > 0:35:58It's the same for suit of armour, because, of course,
0:35:58 > 0:36:01armour is a suit, so you don't need suit of armour.
0:36:01 > 0:36:03In Lord Of The Rings, you know they had all that chain mail?
0:36:03 > 0:36:06It took seven years to film the Lord Of The Rings films,
0:36:06 > 0:36:09and there was a man whose only job was to slice a thin plastic tube
0:36:09 > 0:36:13every single day, and in that plastic tube he made the chain mail.
0:36:13 > 0:36:15And on the special features of the DVD of Lord Of The Rings -
0:36:15 > 0:36:17it's, like, 40 hours, you can watch it...
0:36:17 > 0:36:19- Wow! We're lucky you're here tonight.- Yeah, I know.
0:36:19 > 0:36:23And this man, they said to him at the end, "So, you've been doing this for seven years."
0:36:23 > 0:36:27He went, "I wouldn't take back a day, it's been the best experience of my whole entire life."
0:36:27 > 0:36:29- But what's it for? - To make fake chain mail,
0:36:29 > 0:36:31they couldn't give them real, cos it's too heavy.
0:36:31 > 0:36:33So they made it out of plastic and sprayed it silver.
0:36:33 > 0:36:36- So, why are they remaking it every day?- Cos there were so many extras,
0:36:36 > 0:36:38there was so much to make, they had to constantly make it.
0:36:38 > 0:36:40Had everyone thrown it away at the end of the day?
0:36:40 > 0:36:42No, it's plastic, so it just kept breaking.
0:36:42 > 0:36:46And also, Viggo Mortensen probably was, like, really living it, because he was so...
0:36:48 > 0:36:49LAUGHTER
0:36:50 > 0:36:53Seriously, between that and the ham with the face,
0:36:53 > 0:36:56I have no idea what anybody is talking about.
0:36:56 > 0:37:01Moving on, medieval battles were full of mail-on-mail action.
0:37:01 > 0:37:02AUDIENCE GROANS
0:37:05 > 0:37:07Working me arse off here, people.
0:37:08 > 0:37:11What would you have seen tumbling across the prairie
0:37:11 > 0:37:15after George Washington made a terrible joke?
0:37:15 > 0:37:16ALICE GROANS
0:37:16 > 0:37:18MUSIC BOX LULLABY CHIMES Alice?
0:37:18 > 0:37:21- Tumbleweed... - KLAXON
0:37:24 > 0:37:26The answer is, we don't know whether he ever made a joke,
0:37:26 > 0:37:29is the truth of it. But we do know it wasn't tumbleweed,
0:37:29 > 0:37:31because during his lifetime there was...?
0:37:31 > 0:37:33- No tumbleweed?- No tumbleweed.
0:37:33 > 0:37:38It's native to Russia, not to the USA, and it arrived in the USA
0:37:38 > 0:37:41long after he had passed away, in the late 19th century.
0:37:41 > 0:37:45It was accidentally imported in shipments of flax seed from Russia.
0:37:45 > 0:37:48Although when you drive now, you do see it just like that.
0:37:48 > 0:37:53And a single tumbleweed can become the size of a Volkswagen Beetle.
0:37:53 > 0:37:55They can bury houses, they can fuel forest fires,
0:37:55 > 0:37:58- I mean, it is fearful stuff. - Oh, my God!
0:37:58 > 0:38:03As it tumbles, it scatters seeds up to 250,000 per plant.
0:38:03 > 0:38:04So it keeps perpetuating itself.
0:38:04 > 0:38:09And in 2016, there's a rural city in Australia called Wangaratta,
0:38:09 > 0:38:13and they were hit by a type of tumbleweed called hairy panic.
0:38:15 > 0:38:17- That could be your wrestling name, Sandi.- Yeah.
0:38:19 > 0:38:24"Here she comes, all the way from Denmark, it's Hairy Panic!
0:38:24 > 0:38:26"She's small, but she's fierce!"
0:38:26 > 0:38:29The truth is we don't know whether George Washington ever told a joke,
0:38:29 > 0:38:31but when I was a child, I grew up in the United States,
0:38:31 > 0:38:33and we celebrated Washington's birthday.
0:38:33 > 0:38:35You were made to tell George Washington jokes.
0:38:35 > 0:38:38So I've got a couple to see what you think of them, that I have recalled.
0:38:38 > 0:38:41What would George Washington be if he were alive today?
0:38:41 > 0:38:42Dead.
0:38:45 > 0:38:46If he were alive today.
0:38:48 > 0:38:50- Old.- Yes, really, really old. Well done.
0:38:50 > 0:38:51Oh.
0:38:51 > 0:38:54How did George Washington speak to his army?
0:38:54 > 0:38:56Up his sleevies? No.
0:38:58 > 0:39:01- Loudly?- In general terms.
0:39:01 > 0:39:03GROANING
0:39:03 > 0:39:06They're as good as they were when I was eight.
0:39:06 > 0:39:09- They haven't aged a day. - Not a day.
0:39:09 > 0:39:11Right, does anybody fancy a cup of tea?
0:39:11 > 0:39:14- Yes.- Tea all round? - Yes, please. Yes.- Ooh, yes.
0:39:14 > 0:39:16Yes, I feel there's not enough tea breaks.
0:39:16 > 0:39:19- So what I'm going to do, I'm going to...- Do you have any herbal?
0:39:19 > 0:39:20Jesus Christ!
0:39:22 > 0:39:24No, I haven't.
0:39:24 > 0:39:28Right, anybody know, to the nearest 100ml,
0:39:28 > 0:39:31how much water did it take to make this tea?
0:39:31 > 0:39:34- To make the whole pot?- To make the cup of tea I'm giving you.
0:39:34 > 0:39:37So one cup of tea, I'm going to... I've given you a little bit of milk.
0:39:37 > 0:39:40And everybody gets two sugars, you don't have to use them, but I'm...
0:39:40 > 0:39:43So, that's what I'm asking. There's a cup of tea.
0:39:43 > 0:39:46- Tea, Cariad?- Thanks, darling. - Thanks.- Do you want sugar?
0:39:46 > 0:39:49- Do you guys want sugar? - That's piss weak, Sandi.
0:39:49 > 0:39:52I didn't actually... I didn't make the tea.
0:39:52 > 0:39:54I have people for that.
0:39:54 > 0:39:57To the nearest 100ml?
0:39:57 > 0:39:59- 300.- 300! KLAXON
0:40:03 > 0:40:05Do you mean to the cup or in the flask?
0:40:05 > 0:40:06Yes, so one cup, to the nearest 100ml,
0:40:06 > 0:40:09- how much water did it take to make the tea?- 200.
0:40:09 > 0:40:11KLAXON
0:40:11 > 0:40:13- I sense a pattern here.- Any more?
0:40:13 > 0:40:15- 100?- 100! KLAXON
0:40:17 > 0:40:18Ten litres.
0:40:18 > 0:40:20- Ten... You're getting closer.- Oh?
0:40:20 > 0:40:25Yes. The answer is 52,000ml.
0:40:25 > 0:40:28- Oh, to grow the tea plants? - That's why it's so weak.
0:40:28 > 0:40:30- That wasn't the question! - It was, to make this...
0:40:30 > 0:40:32I'm trying to work out how much that is.
0:40:32 > 0:40:35Yes, but it's QI.
0:40:35 > 0:40:37Oh, I forgot what programme I was on!
0:40:37 > 0:40:4152 litres of water, roughly, go into white tea with two sugars.
0:40:41 > 0:40:43So we'll see how it breaks down.
0:40:43 > 0:40:47Around 30 litres to make the amount of tea in a single tea bag.
0:40:47 > 0:40:49Ten litres to make the dash of milk.
0:40:49 > 0:40:51And six litres needed for every teaspoon of sugar.
0:40:51 > 0:40:55So, 60 billion cups of tea consumed in Britain every year.
0:40:55 > 0:40:59So that gives us a footprint of 3,000 billion litres of water.
0:40:59 > 0:41:02That's about ten times the volume of water in Lake Windermere
0:41:02 > 0:41:04that is needed to make the tea for Britain.
0:41:04 > 0:41:07Imagine making Lake Windermere into a giant cup of tea.
0:41:07 > 0:41:10So, what are your cups made of?
0:41:10 > 0:41:13# Polystyrene. #
0:41:13 > 0:41:14Styrofoam?
0:41:14 > 0:41:16KLAXON
0:41:21 > 0:41:22Duh!
0:41:25 > 0:41:26APPLAUSE
0:41:29 > 0:41:32No. You're right, they're polystyrene, they're not Styrofoam.
0:41:32 > 0:41:34All right, don't pick on me.
0:41:34 > 0:41:37- That's what we have new people on for.- Oh, OK.
0:41:37 > 0:41:41Welcome to the show. So they're totally different.
0:41:41 > 0:41:45Styrofoam is extruded polystyrene, which is the stuff on the left.
0:41:45 > 0:41:46Does it come out of her bum?
0:41:49 > 0:41:51The strawberry laces she's got through.
0:41:51 > 0:41:53"How much did you want?"
0:41:56 > 0:41:58So there's a difference between extruded polystyrene,
0:41:58 > 0:42:01which is Styrofoam, and the stuff that we're drinking out of,
0:42:01 > 0:42:02which is expanded polystyrene.
0:42:02 > 0:42:06Now that you have dodged that round, let's take a look at the scores.
0:42:06 > 0:42:10And in fourth place, with a magnificent -34, it's Alan.
0:42:10 > 0:42:12- Thank you very much. - APPLAUSE
0:42:14 > 0:42:18In third place, with a very creditable -29, Sarah.
0:42:18 > 0:42:19APPLAUSE
0:42:21 > 0:42:23In second place, and considering it's her first show,
0:42:23 > 0:42:25what an incredible score, -18, Alice.
0:42:25 > 0:42:27APPLAUSE
0:42:28 > 0:42:33And, finally, in first place, with four points, Cariad!
0:42:33 > 0:42:35APPLAUSE
0:42:40 > 0:42:45Tonight's prize, Cariad, obviously...
0:42:45 > 0:42:48This lovely pair of truck nuts. There you are, congratulations.
0:42:48 > 0:42:49Thank you, thank you.
0:42:49 > 0:42:50APPLAUSE
0:42:55 > 0:42:58It only remains for me to thank Alice, Sarah, Cariad and Alan,
0:42:58 > 0:43:02and you've all been so great it's practically criminal, so let's
0:43:02 > 0:43:07break out my favourite object - confetti cannons. There we are.
0:43:07 > 0:43:10Ready? Steady, fire!
0:43:10 > 0:43:12CHEERING
0:43:14 > 0:43:16Good night. APPLAUSE