0:00:32 > 0:00:34APPLAUSE
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Hello and welcome to QI.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Tonight's show is an other-worldly odyssey
0:00:39 > 0:00:41through the mysterious occult.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45Please offer up oblations to the Prince of Darkness - Russell Brand.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:49 > 0:00:52The Beast of Revelations, Aisling Bea.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:56 > 0:00:59The Lord of the Flies, Noel Fielding.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:04 > 0:01:05And, hell, yes, it's Alan Davies!
0:01:05 > 0:01:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:09 > 0:01:10Hey-hey!
0:01:15 > 0:01:17That was a terrifying outfit. LAUGHTER
0:01:17 > 0:01:21I was really hoping there'd be a new car under there, but it's just Alan.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24And their buzzers are obligingly ominous. Russell goes...
0:01:24 > 0:01:28WOLF HOWLS
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Aisling goes...
0:01:31 > 0:01:34EVIL CACKLING
0:01:34 > 0:01:36And Noel goes...
0:01:36 > 0:01:39EVIL LAUGHTER
0:01:39 > 0:01:41And Alan goes...
0:01:41 > 0:01:45OMINOUS ORGAN MUSIC
0:01:48 > 0:01:51FAIRGROUND MUSIC PLAYS ON ORGAN
0:01:55 > 0:01:59Hey, right. We're going to begin with some mind-reading,
0:01:59 > 0:02:02but those of you who are psychic will already know that.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04We have asked some members of our front row to write some
0:02:04 > 0:02:09words on cards and put them in an envelope, which I have not seen.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13So if the QI minion, this is our magic minion,
0:02:13 > 0:02:15can please collect them,
0:02:15 > 0:02:19then we're going to attempt some spooky mind-reading.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21And what are they? Just facts, or?
0:02:21 > 0:02:23It's just a word, a single word, is that right?
0:02:23 > 0:02:24Each one's written a single word.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27So the minion is going to give me the cards.
0:02:27 > 0:02:28Do you believe in this kind of thing?
0:02:28 > 0:02:31- Do you believe in mind-reading?- Yes.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33OK. LAUGHTER
0:02:33 > 0:02:36So in order for this to work, I need to make my mind a complete blank.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Alan, how do I do that?
0:02:38 > 0:02:39LAUGHTER
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Oh-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Now, some of you may know I have an ear piece,
0:02:44 > 0:02:46I don't want you to think that in any way that anybody can
0:02:46 > 0:02:48communicate with me, so I can't use that.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51What's going to happen now is that I am going to place the card
0:02:51 > 0:02:54to my head, and I need to concentrate.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58I'm going to say...potato. Who said potato?
0:02:58 > 0:03:00- Anybody say? You did say potato? - Did you?- OK.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Very, very good. Indeed.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05OK, let's do the next one. LAUGHTER
0:03:05 > 0:03:09Let's see. Oh, this one's difficult.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11This one is very difficult.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15I am going to say sin, something to do with sin...
0:03:15 > 0:03:17..synchronicity?
0:03:17 > 0:03:19It is, synchronicity is your word?
0:03:19 > 0:03:21She's a witch, burn her!
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Goodness. Oh, indeed, OK.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29So, we'll just do one more and see if I can think.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Oh, this one's nice - mushroom. I think it's mushroom.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Yes. Absolutely. Well, there we go, that will do.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36APPLAUSE
0:03:38 > 0:03:41- So...- There was a real...
0:03:41 > 0:03:45- There was a real disparity between what inspired you lot there.- Yeah.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48As in, like, you really dug deep around mushroom, didn't you?
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Yeah. So, anybody know how I did that?
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Does anybody have any idea how that happens?
0:03:53 > 0:03:55- Because you can read minds? - Yes, that's exactly what happened.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Basically, you can read menus, is what I got from that.
0:03:58 > 0:03:59LAUGHTER
0:03:59 > 0:04:01- Yeah, mushrooms and potatoes. - Mushroom, potato.- Yeah.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04See, I love those tricks, I think they're fantastic,
0:04:04 > 0:04:06- I mean, clearly they are a trick. And...- What?!
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Of genius, a trick of genius, in some way.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Are you a fan of magic shows, Russell?
0:04:11 > 0:04:13I'm astounded that we're all just sat here
0:04:13 > 0:04:17while you have unravelled one of the great mysteries of the universe.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Now we're going to have to work out through which necromancy
0:04:20 > 0:04:22you have taken over Bake-Off.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24LAUGHTER
0:04:25 > 0:04:27You've managed to install Noel Fielding,
0:04:27 > 0:04:31an astonishing piece of casting. What's next?
0:04:31 > 0:04:34I'm channelling Mrs Beeton, that's what's happening.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37- You have powers beyond my comprehension.- I know, I know.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40So what I'm going to do, I'm going to take a blank card like this
0:04:40 > 0:04:42and I'm going to write a word myself on it,
0:04:42 > 0:04:44and I'm going to stick it in an envelope.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48And then we will place that in this big book,
0:04:48 > 0:04:50so that it's not possible for me to change it.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Russell can see it from where you are.
0:04:52 > 0:04:53I saw your eyes looking. He's cheating.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Yeah, but I would never use that knowledge to trick the QI audience.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58OK, let's put it on there, let's put it on there
0:04:58 > 0:05:01so that I can't cheat with it, you can all see it, it's in...
0:05:01 > 0:05:03There it is, it's in plain sight, OK.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06So, there used to be a thought that some people could read
0:05:06 > 0:05:08through something other than their eyes.
0:05:08 > 0:05:13It's called dermo-optical perception, or cutaneous perception.
0:05:13 > 0:05:14And the idea is, so I put it against my head
0:05:14 > 0:05:16so that you could read through your fingers
0:05:16 > 0:05:18or you could read through your skin.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20I've been warned about men where they come at you
0:05:20 > 0:05:21in that sort of position.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23It's like, "I'm going to read you!"
0:05:23 > 0:05:25You're like, "Argh!"
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Well, in World War I, there's a wonderful story.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29There was a lot of paranoia in Europe, as you can imagine,
0:05:29 > 0:05:32and there was a lady's maid, and she was stopped and strip-searched
0:05:32 > 0:05:35in Germany, and they found secret writing on her bottom, OK.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38And they arrested her, they photographed the writing,
0:05:38 > 0:05:40and they sent it to German military intelligence.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Her bottom was much discussed and much looked at.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45It turned out that the maid, on the train, had been worried
0:05:45 > 0:05:48that the loo would be dirty, and she'd put newspaper on the seat.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50LAUGHTER
0:05:50 > 0:05:53And the writing was several articles from the Frankfurter Zeitung,
0:05:53 > 0:05:56which I like. They were able to read the newspaper off her arse.
0:05:58 > 0:05:59But, in fact, our mind-reading
0:05:59 > 0:06:01was done by a completely different trick.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03There was a mentalist who used to be known as Alexander -
0:06:03 > 0:06:05The Man Who Knows.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07- I've got that very poster. - Have you?- Yeah.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Do you know who he actually is, Alexander, The Man Who Knows?
0:06:10 > 0:06:12- He was called Alexander. - LAUGHTER
0:06:12 > 0:06:15And he worked as a psychic.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18His real name was Claude Conlin and he was from South Dakota.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20I got it in Coney Island.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22And they still have contortionists
0:06:22 > 0:06:24and people who stick nails in themselves.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27They're people who do actual extraordinary things.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Get a real job!
0:06:29 > 0:06:32There's one lad who can get himself through a tennis racket.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34But there's no strings on it.
0:06:34 > 0:06:35LAUGHTER
0:06:35 > 0:06:37- Be a bit sick.- That would be a trick, wouldn't it?
0:06:37 > 0:06:38He comes out like human chips!
0:06:38 > 0:06:42But to do it, he has to dislocate his shoulder to get through it.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44And he's 23, or something.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48- And I said, "Are you not worried by long-term implications?"- Yeah.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50And he said, "Well, I've been told that my shoulders will be ruined
0:06:50 > 0:06:52"by the time I'm 40."
0:06:52 > 0:06:54I said, "Well, stop doing it, then." And he wouldn't.
0:06:54 > 0:06:55But he was quite a guy, Alexander.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57He married 8 to 14 women, many at the same time.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00We don't know exactly how many, maybe 14 women.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02- 14 women?- Yeah, it's quite a lot.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04That's not that many, is it, Russell?
0:07:04 > 0:07:06LAUGHTER
0:07:06 > 0:07:08A conservative mind-bender!
0:07:10 > 0:07:12I can't tell you how we read the mind of our front row,
0:07:12 > 0:07:15but I can say that we have a plant in the audience.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18- Yeah. - CHUCKLING
0:07:18 > 0:07:21OK, so I've got an object here for you.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24- There's one for you guys to share. - Thank you very much.
0:07:24 > 0:07:25And one for you to share.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29And I want you to tell me how you would use it to burgle a house.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32- OK, so...- I... I've an idea. - Yes, go on, then.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Well, I think what you'd do is, you would melt the waxen tips.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37- There are waxen tips.- There are.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39You would get the finger prints of the person whose house it
0:07:39 > 0:07:42was on their hi-tech James Bond style fingerprint system.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44- Yeah.- I don't know how you get in that bit,
0:07:44 > 0:07:46cos if you've got that kind of access to the person,
0:07:46 > 0:07:51simply charm them into allowing you in to rob the safe at your leisure.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54And then you put their fingerprints on there,
0:07:54 > 0:07:58then you put this very discreet garment on your other hand
0:07:58 > 0:08:01and wander into Canary Wharf, or wherever it is, and say -
0:08:01 > 0:08:04"I'm just one of the people who happens to live here.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07"Don't judge me by that. I move among you.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09"I love you. I'm a banker, just like you."
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Then you press all the buttons, you're in there,
0:08:11 > 0:08:13- and that's how you rob their house. - And that's that sorted.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16- Simple business.- Yeah. I don't know why we didn't think of that.
0:08:16 > 0:08:17LAUGHTER
0:08:17 > 0:08:20What we really needed was the pickled hand of a hang...
0:08:22 > 0:08:23That one's gone rogue!
0:08:25 > 0:08:29I think you could only rob a house if Freddy Krueger lived there.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32Just put your hand through the letterbox and the dog lets you in.
0:08:32 > 0:08:33We wanted to set fire to them,
0:08:33 > 0:08:35but apparently it's a health and safety nightmare.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37There's a fire there, though.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Why is fire allowed there and not near Noel?
0:08:39 > 0:08:41- Now I understand. - I think the worry was that...
0:08:41 > 0:08:42LAUGHTER
0:08:42 > 0:08:45- Who wants me to try? - CHEERING
0:08:45 > 0:08:48- OK.- Don't put it near your hair product, will you?
0:08:48 > 0:08:51- Are you left or right handed? - Well, the glove is left handed.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Yeah, but...
0:08:53 > 0:08:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:00 > 0:09:04- OK. So hang on, is that it? - There we go.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Light the others. I used to do this with...
0:09:07 > 0:09:09- AISLING:- So, in answer to your question, Sandi,
0:09:09 > 0:09:11- while they're doing that, I go and burgle the house.- Yes.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Is that what it is?
0:09:13 > 0:09:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:17 > 0:09:20- Hi, nice to meet you. - OTHERS SING:- Happy birthday to you.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22A really rubbish kid's thing.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:28 > 0:09:31- Is it the flame that's significant? - Kind of.- Or the rubber?
0:09:31 > 0:09:34So, you needed the pickled hand of a hanged man, OK?
0:09:34 > 0:09:37- Oh, wow.- You then needed to make
0:09:37 > 0:09:40a candle from the fat of the condemned man.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44- Ugh!- And then, in an idea world, you would make the wick out of his hair.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46It's called a Hand of Glory.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48If you were holding the Hand of Glory,
0:09:48 > 0:09:49and the Hand of Glory had a...
0:09:49 > 0:09:51LAUGHTER
0:09:51 > 0:09:55That's not the Hand of Glory, Sandi. That's the Hand of Glory.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00It was a race.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03It's sweet when boys are so pleased with themselves.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05LAUGHTER
0:10:05 > 0:10:07It's a good job this desk is here.
0:10:09 > 0:10:10No, you're all right. Um...
0:10:12 > 0:10:14So the idea was, if you held one of these
0:10:14 > 0:10:16when you went into somebody's house,
0:10:16 > 0:10:19it would have a stupefying effect upon them, and put them to sleep.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23Now, the only photograph that we have of a genuine Hand of Glory
0:10:23 > 0:10:24is courtesy of the Whitby Museum,
0:10:24 > 0:10:28and that is probably the only one still in existence, and that was...
0:10:28 > 0:10:30It's quite a wild pitch, like, for Dragons' Den, to go,
0:10:30 > 0:10:32"I've got this idea, all we need is one hand
0:10:32 > 0:10:34"of a hanged man, we stick his hair in there,
0:10:34 > 0:10:37"make a candle out of his skin, the hair is going to be the wick.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39"That's important. When we go into the house,
0:10:39 > 0:10:41"it'll automatically send people to sleep
0:10:41 > 0:10:43"and that's how we're going to burgle the house."
0:10:43 > 0:10:45"I'm in, £250,000. I see nothing wrong with this idea."
0:10:45 > 0:10:48- NOEL:- Or just wait till they go on holiday.
0:10:48 > 0:10:49LAUGHTER
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Well, the Observer, in 1831,
0:10:51 > 0:10:55reported on the 16th of January, "Burglars entered a house
0:10:55 > 0:10:57"in County Meath, armed with a dead man's hand
0:10:57 > 0:10:59"with a lighted candle in it, believing in the superstitious
0:10:59 > 0:11:02"notion that it would prevent those who may be asleep from awaking."
0:11:02 > 0:11:04- Do you think it worked?- No.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06No, they woke instantly and raised the alarm.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08- Screamed their heads off. - Yeah, absolutely.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10- He's got a burning hand! - LAUGHTER
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Anybody know where the term Hand of Glory comes from?
0:11:14 > 0:11:16- Russell! - LAUGHTER
0:11:16 > 0:11:19I feel I'm looking the wrong way, really, for this...
0:11:19 > 0:11:21I don't know, but I'm going to Google it
0:11:21 > 0:11:22and see whose picture comes up.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27- It's an old word for the mandrake root, mandragore.- Oh.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Which was supposed to look a bit like human beings.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32But the good thing is, if you thought that somebody
0:11:32 > 0:11:33was going to come at you with a Hand of Glory,
0:11:33 > 0:11:36you could protect yourself. This is good. There's an unguent
0:11:36 > 0:11:38which you can rub around the threshold
0:11:38 > 0:11:40of your house, and it's very simple. You just need a...
0:11:40 > 0:11:42- I'm glad you said "of your house," then.- Yes.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44LAUGHTER
0:11:44 > 0:11:47You need gall of black cat, fat of white hen and blood of screech owl.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49And if you do those things, then that'll protect you.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51What's a screech owl?
0:11:51 > 0:11:52One of them.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56The Irish were very keen on all these old folklores.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00In fact, Irish butter makers would incorporate a dead man's hand
0:12:00 > 0:12:02taken fresh from the graveyard in their recipes
0:12:02 > 0:12:05and the milk would be stirred around nine times with the hand.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09Erm, just on behalf of Ireland, that is no longer done.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12Please continue to buy Irish butter, where and if you can.
0:12:12 > 0:12:13LAUGHTER
0:12:13 > 0:12:16- Shares in Kerrygold have just gone through the floor.- Yeah.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20My favourite of these is from a book called Folklore Of Herefordshire.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22The cure for whooping cough
0:12:22 > 0:12:25was to make a child eat a slice of bread and butter
0:12:25 > 0:12:26that had sat in the hand of a corpse.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28LAUGHTER AND GROANS
0:12:28 > 0:12:30"You'll eat it till it's finished,
0:12:30 > 0:12:31"and then we'll return the corpse."
0:12:33 > 0:12:35But I didn't mention, in the recipe for the Hand of Glory,
0:12:35 > 0:12:37it needs to be the left hand. Why would that be?
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Makes it feel like it's someone else.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41LAUGHTER
0:12:43 > 0:12:45So you can deny it was you burgling the house.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48"It didn't feel like me!"
0:12:49 > 0:12:51- NOEL:- Is it something to do with Satan?
0:12:51 > 0:12:52It's to do with it being sinister.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55- So, sinister is the Latin word for left.- Oh.
0:12:55 > 0:12:56So that's where we get sinister from.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59That's another thing, in Ireland they used to beat...
0:12:59 > 0:13:02My mother was a left hand, with a left... "Was a left hand!"
0:13:02 > 0:13:03LAUGHTER
0:13:03 > 0:13:04Here she is!
0:13:04 > 0:13:07"Oh, hiya, Mammy." "Hello, Aisling."
0:13:07 > 0:13:09"I still love you and I never left."
0:13:09 > 0:13:10"Oh, thanks, Mammy."
0:13:10 > 0:13:12LAUGHTER
0:13:13 > 0:13:15My mother was left handed,
0:13:15 > 0:13:18and in Ireland, they think the devil is in your left hand.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20They used to beat it out of kids and force them
0:13:20 > 0:13:21to write with their right hand.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23The... I don't want to say it, but, like...
0:13:23 > 0:13:24It was the nuns!
0:13:24 > 0:13:26LAUGHTER
0:13:28 > 0:13:30But, yeah, they used to beat them across the hands,
0:13:30 > 0:13:34and most kids were forced, probably, I'd say, until the '70s,
0:13:34 > 0:13:38- to do everything with their right hand.- Wow.- Yeah. Yeah.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Well, the occult was also used against burglars.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42So there used to be quite a lot of book curses,
0:13:42 > 0:13:44because books were phenomenally expensive.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47So in the Middle Ages they wanted to stop people from stealing books.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50This is a fantastic one from a 15th-century manuscript
0:13:50 > 0:13:52owned by Count Jean d'Orleans.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05- He's covering a lot of bases, there. - He is really, yeah.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08- He don't want that book stolen. - No, that's not going to...
0:14:08 > 0:14:09- Look after it.- Yeah.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11And, in fact, if you go to Edinburgh now,
0:14:11 > 0:14:13you can go to the Writers' Museum.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15It was built in 1622 by William Gray of Pittendrum.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17And he was so worried about burglars,
0:14:17 > 0:14:19if you look at the steps, they're all different heights,
0:14:19 > 0:14:21because he knew that they were different heights,
0:14:21 > 0:14:23he would have heard a burglar coming.
0:14:23 > 0:14:24It's a rather clever idea, isn't it?
0:14:24 > 0:14:27Because you'd hear them going, "These steps are ridiculous!"
0:14:28 > 0:14:31It's actually called Lady Stair's House. Have you ever been?
0:14:31 > 0:14:33I went there, but I found the stairs quite taxing.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35So I turned around and went home.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37It was midnight, no-one else was there, it was dark.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Now, which horny member of royalty
0:14:41 > 0:14:45is immune from any form of legal prosecution?
0:14:45 > 0:14:47EVIL CACKLING Yes?
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Prince Andrew?
0:14:49 > 0:14:52KLAXON Oh, no.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56- It's going to be something with horns?- Yes.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Is it, like, a royal cow, or something?
0:14:58 > 0:15:01- No. There should be, I think. - The Royal Cow.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03- NOEL:- That's a snail, what you're doing.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06LAUGHTER
0:15:06 > 0:15:10- Brian from Magic Roundabout. - Magic Roundabout.- Hello.
0:15:10 > 0:15:11- Who was it - Florence and Dougal? - Yeah.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14And there was the one who's based on Bob Dylan, the rabbit.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Dylan. And he was stoned all the time.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Yeah, exactly, it was the '70s.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21You were allowed to be stoned in a children's cartoon.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23- AISLING:- Helen, did you say?
0:15:23 > 0:15:25- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Dylan.- Dylan, yeah. - Dylan.- Dylan, yeah.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Yes, we just said that, thanks. We said that.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30That person just woke up. "Dylan, they're talking about Dylan!"
0:15:30 > 0:15:31LAUGHTER
0:15:31 > 0:15:34"They're talking about Magic Roundabout! Dylan!"
0:15:37 > 0:15:39The guy's just beginning to get the hang of mind-reading.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44- "Mushroom! Mushroom!" - LAUGHTER
0:15:44 > 0:15:45"Potato!"
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Come on, now - horny member of royalty.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49- In the context of the occult...- Yes.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51- ..who is a horny royal?- The Devil.
0:15:51 > 0:15:52The Devil is exactly right.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55The Devil. You can't prosecute the Devil?
0:15:55 > 0:15:58No, so, in 1971, there was an American called Gerald Mayo,
0:15:58 > 0:16:00attempted to sue the Devil.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02And there is the case.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04"United States ex rel. Gerald Mayo
0:16:04 > 0:16:07"vs Satan and His Staff."
0:16:07 > 0:16:10And it was heard by the US District Court
0:16:10 > 0:16:12for the Western District of Pennsylvania.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Mr Mayo alleged, "Satan has on numerous occasions caused
0:16:15 > 0:16:18"plaintiff misery and unwarranted threats.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20"Against the will of the plaintiff, Satan has placed deliberate
0:16:20 > 0:16:24"obstacles in his path and has caused the plaintiff's downfall."
0:16:24 > 0:16:26The first point that was raised by the judge,
0:16:26 > 0:16:30a man called Gerald J Weber, was that he wasn't sure that they
0:16:30 > 0:16:34could prosecute Satan, as Satan was technically a foreign prince
0:16:34 > 0:16:37and, if sued, he might be able to claim immunity.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Surely it's a typo, he meant "Stan."
0:16:39 > 0:16:41LAUGHTER
0:16:43 > 0:16:45And in the end they refused his request,
0:16:45 > 0:16:48because nobody could find an address to serve Satan the papers.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50You actually have to put it in their hand, don't you?
0:16:50 > 0:16:51- Yeah.- Otherwise it doesn't count.
0:16:51 > 0:16:52- Yeah.- Wow!
0:16:52 > 0:16:54There was a guy who filed a suit against God,
0:16:54 > 0:16:57seeking a permanent injunction against His harmful activities.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Nebraska State Senator Ernie Chambers.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Again, the suit dismissed cos God was not properly notified.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Although Chambers said, you know,
0:17:05 > 0:17:08"His omniscience would surely mean that He knows already."
0:17:08 > 0:17:09In fact, Ernie Chambers brought the case
0:17:09 > 0:17:11to show that some court cases are frivolous.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13But do you know about the Devil's Advocate?
0:17:13 > 0:17:15- Do you know about that?- Avocado? - As in being one?
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Well, it's a Roman Catholic thing, the Devil's Advocate.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Yeah, as in to play Devil's Advocate?
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Well, that's where the phrase comes from,
0:17:21 > 0:17:22but it used to be a proper job.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25It was the job of the Devil's Advocate to argue the case
0:17:25 > 0:17:28against proposed sainthoods. So his job was to say,
0:17:28 > 0:17:30"This person is going to come up to be a saint,
0:17:30 > 0:17:31"I don't think it's a good idea."
0:17:31 > 0:17:34It was got rid of by Pope John Paul II in 1983,
0:17:34 > 0:17:36and the number of saints just shot through the roof.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38482 in his 27-year tenure,
0:17:38 > 0:17:41compared with 98 for the rest of the 20th century,
0:17:41 > 0:17:43and more than all his predecessors combined,
0:17:43 > 0:17:44going back to the 16th century.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46It's quite cool. It's like a casting, isn't it?
0:17:46 > 0:17:48- Just went crazy, making saints. AISLING:- Yeah.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50I think I should be a saint. Mm, not sure...
0:17:50 > 0:17:52So, when Mother Teresa was nominated for the sainthood,
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Christopher Hitchens was asked by the Roman Catholic Church
0:17:55 > 0:17:56to say why it was a bad idea for her to be.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59And he stood up and made a speech and said, basically,
0:17:59 > 0:18:01- "She was a wrong 'un."- Wow.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04- It's like a roast. - Yeah, it is exactly like that!
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Anybody know the correct way to greet the Devil?
0:18:07 > 0:18:11- High-five?- No.- I reckon there's got to be some deference in it,
0:18:11 > 0:18:13you go down on one knee, little bit of a hornpipe,
0:18:13 > 0:18:16stick an elbow out, two thumbs up, come on,
0:18:16 > 0:18:18take us on a wild, giddy journey.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22OK, yeah. Down on one knee is a good place to start.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25- See?- Like, no, not a blowy. - LAUGHTER
0:18:27 > 0:18:29It's the kiss of shame, you have to kiss the Devil's...
0:18:29 > 0:18:33- You kiss his ring?- His arse, you have to kiss his arse. There it is.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35- The Devil's arse?- What?!- Yeah. - Kiss his bum.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39The Osculum Infame, the Kiss of Shame. Kissing the Devil's arse.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42I like the idea of the Devil presenting his anus to you
0:18:42 > 0:18:45and you not going for it, and just leaving, and him being embarrassed.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49Do you think he lifts his own tail or do you have to lift his tail?
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Flick that tail right up, reveal the anus, a little wink.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Give us a kiss.
0:18:54 > 0:18:55I'd like it if it was like a Pez dispenser,
0:18:55 > 0:18:58so, like, when it lifts up, you get a little Devil sweet.
0:18:58 > 0:18:59You're like, yum-yum, thank you.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02You've crossed... You've crossed the line, did you hear that noise?
0:19:02 > 0:19:04LAUGHTER
0:19:04 > 0:19:07- Sweets from the Devil's arse? No. - Not on the BBC.
0:19:07 > 0:19:12The rest of that chat's fine, but we're drawing the line there.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15We like Pez and you've ruined it for us!
0:19:15 > 0:19:17- LAUGHTER - Mushroom!
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Alan actually knows the parameters.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25We think of you as a sort of a shambling, lovable figure,
0:19:25 > 0:19:28but you actually are sensing stuff, like a shaman.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31- You're reading their minds, Alan. - Yeah.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33No, they just made a funny noise.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Now, over to O for Osterreich.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Here are four sculptures.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43Which is the constipated one?
0:19:43 > 0:19:44LAUGHTER
0:19:44 > 0:19:45Hmm...
0:19:45 > 0:19:48They look like the four stages of Victor Meldrew.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Are they done by the same person?
0:19:51 > 0:19:53They're all done by exactly the same sculptor.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55I can tell you what the other ones are called.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57There's one called The Yawner.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59There's one called The Strong Odour.
0:19:59 > 0:20:00And there's one called The Vexed Man.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03So let's have a look and see which ones they are.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06The Constipated One is number three.
0:20:06 > 0:20:07Strong Odour and the Vexed One.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10And there's also one called the Incapable Bassoonist.
0:20:10 > 0:20:11LAUGHTER
0:20:11 > 0:20:14These are all by an 18th-century German sculptor
0:20:14 > 0:20:16called Franz Messerschmidt.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18There are 43 that survive today.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21The man suffered from terrible digestive disorders,
0:20:21 > 0:20:24and to distract himself during really painful episodes,
0:20:24 > 0:20:25he would pinch himself all over.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28And he noticed in the mirror the expressions that he would make,
0:20:28 > 0:20:30and he decided to record what he referred to as
0:20:30 > 0:20:34the 64 canonical grimaces of the human face with sculpture.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38And he spent 11 years making those amazing heads.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41But he had hallucinations, and he believed that he saw ghosts,
0:20:41 > 0:20:43and he was much troubled, frankly.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47I feel like that's the order of me waiting on a text back from a guy.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49LAUGHTER
0:20:49 > 0:20:50I love them,
0:20:50 > 0:20:53because it's as though you can see inside the pain of somebody.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55- I think they... - Did he do any cheerful ones?
0:20:55 > 0:20:57- He wasn't given to... - Watching Morecambe and Wise.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Yeah, he wasn't really given to cheerfulness.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02- How big are they?- They're proper busts, you know.- Right.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05- There's... I mean, the man was a skilled Baroque sculptor.- Right.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08And after his death, they were exhibited at the Citizens Hospital in Vienna.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10You mentioned necromancy, he was very interested in that,
0:21:10 > 0:21:12using magic to communicate with the dead,
0:21:12 > 0:21:14it was one of the things that he was very interested in.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17- He had a wide range of interests, didn't he, the fella?- Yeah.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19He's sculpting faces, trying to depict mental illness,
0:21:19 > 0:21:22- and still trying to summons up the dead.- Yeah. He was very busy.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24- Where'd he find the time?- I know.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28Now, time for mind-reading number two.
0:21:28 > 0:21:32OK, so for this, I'm going to ask Aisling, please, to channel
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Carol Vorderman for me, if you don't mind.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37- Vr-o-o-o-p.- So here is a pen.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40So you've got to hold it up so that everybody can see.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42- Yes.- So maybe Alan can help you with that.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Well, I think I'm all right.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47No, no, I mean hold it up so that the audience can see
0:21:47 > 0:21:48what you're writing.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51- Oh, I see what you mean. Yes. - LAUGHTER
0:21:52 > 0:21:55- AMERICAN ACCENT:- Thank God I got this big strong man with me
0:21:55 > 0:21:57to carry this heavy old board.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59- Oh! - LAUGHTER
0:22:01 > 0:22:02There's a gentleman wearing a T-shirt
0:22:02 > 0:22:04that says "Love Is" something.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Any random number, please.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10- Just single-digit number.- Eight. - It wasn't a difficult question.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13- LAUGHTER - Eight.- He's gone eight.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15- Write that down, please.- OK.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Just to warn you, you're going to write a three-digit number
0:22:17 > 0:22:19and there's going to be quite a lot of numbers.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22- So, eight.- Oh, dear God. LAUGHTER
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Could you just start again? OK.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34That was just me having a gentle laugh with you, Sandi.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37I love it. There is... Let's go right up the back there,
0:22:37 > 0:22:39first row at the very back.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42- The blue shirt at the end?- Two. - Two, number two.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45- OK, two.- OK, there we go.
0:22:45 > 0:22:49- Squeaky.- Shut up, Debbie McGee!
0:22:49 > 0:22:51And let's go over here, lady with a patterned top?
0:22:51 > 0:22:54- Seven.- Seven. 827. OK.
0:22:54 > 0:22:58- Whoa.- So what I want you to do now is reverse the digits underneath.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02Oh, yes. Oh...
0:23:02 > 0:23:04..but that's always going to be two in the middle.
0:23:04 > 0:23:05Yeah, that's fine, keep going.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07- That's still...- Put it upside down.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10It's not really complicated, what I'm asking you to do.
0:23:10 > 0:23:11- LAUGHTER - Yes, yes, yes.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Could you now subtract the smaller
0:23:14 > 0:23:15number from the larger?
0:23:17 > 0:23:18Right, yeah. OK,
0:23:18 > 0:23:20so we're going to do this now.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22SANDI LAUGHS
0:23:22 > 0:23:24So we take eight from seven, just not possible,
0:23:24 > 0:23:26I think we all know that.
0:23:26 > 0:23:30OK. Yes, so we're going to do...
0:23:30 > 0:23:33- Wow!- I mean, I'm in the arts, you see, so...
0:23:33 > 0:23:35- Yeah.- It's just...- Nine, nine, nine!
0:23:35 > 0:23:38- Um...um...- Stop saying "no" at me in German
0:23:38 > 0:23:40- and tell me what this is. - LAUGHTER
0:23:41 > 0:23:43- Nine.- Yeah, and then it's going to be nine again.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46- And then this one comes down here... - It's going to be nine again.
0:23:46 > 0:23:47So it's three from nine, God!
0:23:47 > 0:23:50So I need to have three numbers, so put a zero now please.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52So you have three numbers.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Now reverse those digits, please.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57- Zero...- Always nine.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59And please could you add them together?
0:23:59 > 0:24:03- Um... - LAUGHTER
0:24:03 > 0:24:06- So, 18.- No. So... LAUGHTER
0:24:07 > 0:24:10- So nine and zero, start again.- Oh!
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Nine and zero is nine. Nine and nine is eight, carry one.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16- 18.- So the answer is...?- 1,089.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18OK, so we've come to 1,089. OK, thank you very much.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21AISLING SIGHS Wow, that was painful.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Really painful.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29So what was the number that we had? We had 1,089.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33So, Noel, I'm going to pass you a copy of 1,342 QI Facts
0:24:33 > 0:24:37To Leave You Flabbergasted. LAUGHTER
0:24:37 > 0:24:41- Noel?- Yes?- Could you, let's see, 1089,
0:24:41 > 0:24:44take the tenth word on page 89
0:24:44 > 0:24:46- and tell me what it is.- Yeah.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48- What is it?- French.
0:24:48 > 0:24:52French. Here is the envelope that I did earlier.
0:24:52 > 0:24:56- And there is the word French.- No! - APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:25:03 > 0:25:08- Whoa!- Isn't that fab? - That's a very good trick.
0:25:08 > 0:25:09- I mean, that's nuts.- Yeah.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11I feel like you've taken Bake Off, you've taken QI,
0:25:11 > 0:25:14- and now, you're going to take Derren Brown shows.- Yeah.
0:25:14 > 0:25:15- It's over, Brown.- Amazing.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Sandi, you clearly are Satan born again, show me
0:25:17 > 0:25:22- the correct greeting once more. - LAUGHTER
0:25:22 > 0:25:25APPLAUSE
0:25:26 > 0:25:28I'm ready.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30And the powers it will surely imbue.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35Anyway, thank you very much to our audience,
0:25:35 > 0:25:37and very well done to Carol, there. Very good.
0:25:37 > 0:25:38APPLAUSE
0:25:41 > 0:25:43- Why was...?- Yeah?
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Why was six afraid of seven?
0:25:45 > 0:25:46I don't know.
0:25:46 > 0:25:47Because seven ATE nine.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49LAUGHTER
0:25:49 > 0:25:52And that's brought us right back to the level...
0:25:52 > 0:25:54..that we're normally used to.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56- Does anybody want to know how I did it?- Yes.
0:25:56 > 0:25:57Nah, I'm not telling.
0:25:59 > 0:26:03Can you tell me the final title in Shakespeare's oeuvre?
0:26:03 > 0:26:06- Anybody know? - He was very cranial, wasn't he?
0:26:06 > 0:26:07- Big forehead.- Yes. Receding.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Really, you'd like to hit him with a teaspoon.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Dip a soldier in him.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15It would come out with sonnets on it.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19The sonnets would be in his mind in the form of a fluid
0:26:19 > 0:26:22that you could access with soldiers.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26He is a genius. Make him a saint, or should we?
0:26:28 > 0:26:30I'm hungry and Noel's hungry too.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Has anyone got a banana?
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Someone's usually got a banana.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Has anybody got a banana?
0:26:37 > 0:26:39- There, that lady's got one. - Is that mind-reading?
0:26:39 > 0:26:42- Yes.- There it is.- Oh, yes.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45- NOEL:- Don't throw it! - Two people have got bananas!
0:26:45 > 0:26:46There's two bananas. How many...?
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Can we do a whole hand of bananas amongst all the audience?
0:26:49 > 0:26:52I've never stopped to have a banana during the show.
0:26:52 > 0:26:53That's never been...
0:26:53 > 0:26:56Why has the whole audience got bananas?
0:26:58 > 0:27:01LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:02 > 0:27:05Has anyone got a bit of toast with Marmite on it?
0:27:05 > 0:27:06LAUGHTER
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Never mind that, who's got a Scotch?
0:27:08 > 0:27:09Seriously. LAUGHTER
0:27:09 > 0:27:10Do you feel better now?
0:27:10 > 0:27:14Yeah, thank you. It was starting to affect my consciousness.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Well, the good thing is, it didn't show, so...
0:27:16 > 0:27:18LAUGHTER
0:27:18 > 0:27:20I once spent a whole day in Stratford
0:27:20 > 0:27:23trying to ask everybody how Shakespeare died.
0:27:23 > 0:27:24And they don't like to tell you.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Does anybody know how Shakespeare died?
0:27:26 > 0:27:28- NOEL:- Kissing Satan's arse.
0:27:28 > 0:27:29LAUGHTER
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Someone cracked his head and put a soldier in it.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Well, it gives it away that he was born and died on the same day.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38- April 23rd.- April 23rd. He was born and died on the same...
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Oh, something happened with his birthday cake.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43We think he possibly had too much to drink on his birthday!
0:27:43 > 0:27:45# Happy birthday to you! #
0:27:45 > 0:27:46LAUGHTER
0:27:47 > 0:27:49- Yeah, it killed him. NOEL:- Wow, that's a lot to drink.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52I know, but they don't like to say, "Oh, yeah, drunk on his birthday."
0:27:52 > 0:27:55They don't want to say, "You know Shakespeare - lightweight!"
0:27:55 > 0:27:56Yeah, really, yeah.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59- Come on. Last work authored by Shakespeare?- Tempest, ain't it?
0:27:59 > 0:28:03- The Tempest.- Oh. - BELLS RING, KLAXON HOOTS
0:28:03 > 0:28:05- No.- You've been in that?
0:28:06 > 0:28:09Is it definitely a play, or could it have been a poem?
0:28:09 > 0:28:12It's not a play, it is a work authored by Shakespeare.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Did he have a diary or something?
0:28:14 > 0:28:16I can tell you it was written in 1920.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19- OK... - Yeah. And we're doing the occult.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21- Did someone channel him? - That's exactly right.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24- That's what they used to do, didn't they?- According to a wonderful book
0:28:24 > 0:28:27called Essential Cataloguing: The Basics, it's the guide
0:28:27 > 0:28:29followed by the British Library and the US Library of Congress,
0:28:29 > 0:28:31books written by authors after their death
0:28:31 > 0:28:34are still catalogued under their own name.
0:28:34 > 0:28:36So his last work, published in 1920,
0:28:36 > 0:28:39The Book For Him I Name For Jesus' Sake,
0:28:39 > 0:28:42by William Shakespeare (spirit)...
0:28:42 > 0:28:43LAUGHTER
0:28:43 > 0:28:46- Wow.- ..is in fact the last listed work by William Shakespeare
0:28:46 > 0:28:47in the British Library.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49So, the royalties of that go to his family?
0:28:49 > 0:28:52Sadly not, I think they go to Sarah Taylor Shatford, who wrote it.
0:28:52 > 0:28:55- Shatford?- Shatford. LAUGHTER
0:28:55 > 0:28:57She deserves some cash.
0:28:57 > 0:28:59Mark Twain wrote a book seven years after his death entitled
0:28:59 > 0:29:03Jap Herron: A Novel Written From The Ouija Board.
0:29:03 > 0:29:05And noted spiritualist and dead person Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
0:29:05 > 0:29:10got in touch in 1983 to write The Great Mystery of Life Beyond Death.
0:29:10 > 0:29:12Are these all by a Ouija board, or are some of them
0:29:12 > 0:29:14with automatic writing? That was a thing, wasn't it?
0:29:14 > 0:29:16Some of them are automatic writing, so they're a kind of a mix.
0:29:16 > 0:29:19That is a weird Ouija board scenario,
0:29:19 > 0:29:21that's a gingham shirt and they're clearly on public transport.
0:29:21 > 0:29:24LAUGHTER
0:29:24 > 0:29:26First we summons the dead, then a hoedown.
0:29:28 > 0:29:31And Thomas Edison, too, he tried to invent a spirit telephone.
0:29:31 > 0:29:34He revealed it in 1920 and then he denied it in 1926,
0:29:34 > 0:29:35saying he was playing a joke.
0:29:35 > 0:29:37But, in fact, after he died, they discovered
0:29:37 > 0:29:40The Diary And Sundry Observations Of Thomas Edison,
0:29:40 > 0:29:42and it does talk about him trying to use a valve
0:29:42 > 0:29:45to amplify and capture voices of spirits. It wasn't really a joke.
0:29:45 > 0:29:46But it's no sillier than anything else.
0:29:46 > 0:29:49- Like you were saying, we do want to believe in magic.- Yeah.
0:29:49 > 0:29:51I remember this blind lady who came to Dublin,
0:29:51 > 0:29:53and she said that she could talk to the dead.
0:29:53 > 0:29:56And it's really odd, because you do get swept away by it.
0:29:56 > 0:29:58Because she starts feeling people out, and you all get swept up,
0:29:58 > 0:30:02- thinking it could be...- Yeah. Cos you want to believe it. - You want to believe it.- Sure.
0:30:02 > 0:30:04Everyone in the room is there because they want to believe.
0:30:04 > 0:30:06No-one's a true sceptic, I think, if they're in the room.
0:30:06 > 0:30:09There was a very famous Irish medium called Geraldine Cummins,
0:30:09 > 0:30:11and my great aunt, Signe Toksvig, edited her book of automatic writing.
0:30:11 > 0:30:13So there's my Aunt Signe and her husband.
0:30:13 > 0:30:15And she wrote a book called Swan On A Black Sea,
0:30:15 > 0:30:17it's all about automatic writing.
0:30:17 > 0:30:19- Anyway, Signe... - Automatic writing, quickly, is...?
0:30:19 > 0:30:22- Is when you just sit down with a pen...- And you're channelling a spirit.
0:30:22 > 0:30:25And you're channelling the spirit, and the spirit is telling you what to write.
0:30:25 > 0:30:27- Oh.- Like when you was doing that maths.- Yeah.
0:30:27 > 0:30:28LAUGHTER
0:30:28 > 0:30:29Just like that.
0:30:29 > 0:30:33Anyway, when Signe died, she left very clear instructions
0:30:33 > 0:30:36for the family, how we were to contact her after death.
0:30:36 > 0:30:38So my mother very kindly did exactly what she said,
0:30:38 > 0:30:40and she went along to meet this particular woman,
0:30:40 > 0:30:43who was apparently very good at getting in touch with the dead.
0:30:43 > 0:30:46And the woman said... So, this is my father's side of the family,
0:30:46 > 0:30:47but it's my mother who's gone, right.
0:30:47 > 0:30:49"I'm seeing an old lady and she's sitting,
0:30:49 > 0:30:51"she's got her cup of tea in one hand
0:30:51 > 0:30:53"and a piece of cheese in the other."
0:30:53 > 0:30:56And my mother went, "Oh, my God, that's MY grandmother."
0:30:56 > 0:30:58And the woman went, "Oh, isn't it typical?
0:30:58 > 0:31:00"You finally get through and you get the wrong old woman!"
0:31:00 > 0:31:02LAUGHTER
0:31:02 > 0:31:06Look at that jumper. That's automatic knitting, right there.
0:31:06 > 0:31:07LAUGHTER
0:31:07 > 0:31:09William Shakespeare's last work was written
0:31:09 > 0:31:11through the medium of a medium.
0:31:11 > 0:31:15What did the yoghurt say to the CIA interrogator?
0:31:15 > 0:31:18Probably saying, "This will get rid of your thrush in two days."
0:31:18 > 0:31:20LAUGHTER
0:31:21 > 0:31:25So, there was an interrogation specialist for the CIA.
0:31:25 > 0:31:28He's the man who's claimed to have founded the agency's polygraph programme.
0:31:28 > 0:31:30He's called Cleve Backster.
0:31:30 > 0:31:33And in 1966, on a rather strange whim,
0:31:33 > 0:31:36he hooked up a house plant to a lie detector.
0:31:36 > 0:31:38And here he is, doing it.
0:31:38 > 0:31:41And he was looking for an anxiety response, so he got a match,
0:31:41 > 0:31:43and he didn't actually set fire to the leaf,
0:31:43 > 0:31:44he just thought about doing it.
0:31:44 > 0:31:48And he said the levels on the lie detector suddenly spiked, OK.
0:31:48 > 0:31:50And he took this as a sign
0:31:50 > 0:31:53that plants had what he called primary perception.
0:31:53 > 0:31:55In other words, they were sentient, almost as if they had ESP.
0:31:55 > 0:31:58This caused a sensation, and he expanded his research further,
0:31:58 > 0:32:01and he hooked up the polygraph machine to lettuce, to onions,
0:32:01 > 0:32:03to oranges, bananas, chicken, eggs,
0:32:03 > 0:32:05sperm...
0:32:05 > 0:32:08- ..and yoghurt.- Very chatty. - Never shuts up.- Yeah.
0:32:08 > 0:32:11It says here, "One sample of yoghurt, for example,
0:32:11 > 0:32:13"will react when another is being fed, as if to say,
0:32:13 > 0:32:16"'That one's getting food, where's mine?'"
0:32:16 > 0:32:17LAUGHTER
0:32:17 > 0:32:19He was absolutely convinced of this,
0:32:19 > 0:32:23and his assertions basically hindered science for years.
0:32:23 > 0:32:27Now, what's the worst omen you can see on a football pitch?
0:32:27 > 0:32:31- An omen?- Yeah. Are footballers superstitious?
0:32:31 > 0:32:34- Yes!- Is it a young woman with a list of allegations?
0:32:34 > 0:32:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:32:42 > 0:32:44But is there something about the markings on the field
0:32:44 > 0:32:47that are significant to occultists?
0:32:47 > 0:32:49It's to do with the many superstitions
0:32:49 > 0:32:52that are associated with football. 1990 World Cup...
0:32:52 > 0:32:56- Right.- ..there was an Argentine goalkeeper called Sergio Goycochea.
0:32:56 > 0:32:59Did he have a body part of an animal or something in the goal net?
0:32:59 > 0:33:02No, what happened to him was, Argentina's quarterfinal
0:33:02 > 0:33:05was against Yugoslavia, and it ended in a draw, which meant?
0:33:05 > 0:33:08- Penalty shoot-out. - They had to do a penalty shoot-out.
0:33:08 > 0:33:11He needed to wee, but he wasn't allowed to leave the field.
0:33:11 > 0:33:12So his team-mates surrounded him
0:33:12 > 0:33:15and he had a wee and he then blocked two penalty shots.
0:33:15 > 0:33:18So, the coach thought this was a marvellous thing,
0:33:18 > 0:33:19took it as an omen,
0:33:19 > 0:33:23and he went on to urinate on the field again, with his team-mates
0:33:23 > 0:33:26around him, before the semifinal penalty shoot-out against Italy.
0:33:26 > 0:33:29He blocked two shots and they went on into the finals,
0:33:29 > 0:33:31but they lost the finals against West Germany, because...?
0:33:31 > 0:33:34- He didn't urinate. - He didn't wee, because...?
0:33:34 > 0:33:36- It didn't go to a shoot-out. - It didn't go to a shoot-out.
0:33:36 > 0:33:38But wasn't Germany's winning goal a penalty?
0:33:38 > 0:33:41It was a late penalty and it was in the main body of the game,
0:33:41 > 0:33:43- so he didn't have time to wee. - Didn't have time for a wee.- No.
0:33:43 > 0:33:47When they stood around him, did they look in or out, do you know?
0:33:47 > 0:33:50Do you know, I always think I've got all the information
0:33:50 > 0:33:51I need for this show.
0:33:51 > 0:33:53Do you think he was a bit self-conscious?
0:33:53 > 0:33:57- His team-mates around him.- Well, because he might have been wearing somebody else's underpants -
0:33:57 > 0:34:00apparently that's a very common footballer thing,
0:34:00 > 0:34:02is that they swap underpants. Some of them wear them inside out.
0:34:02 > 0:34:04- They do not!- Yeah.
0:34:04 > 0:34:06Was it Barry Fry who weed in all four corners of the ground?
0:34:06 > 0:34:09- Do you remember that? - Yes, I believe that is a fact,
0:34:09 > 0:34:11that Barry Fry, whilst manager of Birmingham,
0:34:11 > 0:34:14perhaps, weed in every corner of the ground.
0:34:14 > 0:34:16I thought you said Barry Cryer!
0:34:16 > 0:34:19No, not Barry Cryer.
0:34:19 > 0:34:22He's weed in all four corners of the Just A Minute studio.
0:34:22 > 0:34:24Yeah, just for that.
0:34:24 > 0:34:26And he thought... No, it was a superstitious thing.
0:34:26 > 0:34:30- NOEL:- During the game?- No, I think he did it in his own time.
0:34:30 > 0:34:33Birmingham City Football Club had a belief for a while
0:34:33 > 0:34:37that they were cursed by gypsies evacuated from the ground in 1906.
0:34:37 > 0:34:39I was just worried about the men
0:34:39 > 0:34:41who do the grass for the football pitches,
0:34:41 > 0:34:43if everyone's weeing on them all the time.
0:34:43 > 0:34:46- Yes, it's going to go a horrible colour.- It's going to go a horrible colour.
0:34:46 > 0:34:48So, big shout-out to those guys at home listening, we feel your pain.
0:34:48 > 0:34:50No, no, that's dogs, that do that.
0:34:50 > 0:34:53I don't know, I've left some crazy marks on some exes' lawns.
0:34:53 > 0:34:55LAUGHTER
0:34:56 > 0:34:59Does this photo go back to the times where you had to
0:34:59 > 0:35:00blow the ball up before the match?
0:35:02 > 0:35:05Now, it's time for the ritual sacrifice of rationality
0:35:05 > 0:35:07that we call General Ignorance.
0:35:07 > 0:35:11Fingers on buzzers, please. Take a look at this.
0:35:11 > 0:35:13This is Tommaso, the world's richest cat.
0:35:13 > 0:35:16According to legend, how many lives does he have?
0:35:16 > 0:35:19- Well, now, usually, they have... - Yes?
0:35:19 > 0:35:22- ..one less than ten.- Yes? LAUGHTER
0:35:22 > 0:35:25BELLS RING KLAXON WAILS
0:35:26 > 0:35:30That isn't fair! I was being so clever.
0:35:30 > 0:35:34So, I can tell you that he is Italian, and that has a bearing.
0:35:34 > 0:35:37- He's Italian? That cat?- Yes. - Where's his mouth?
0:35:39 > 0:35:41So, why would it matter that he's Italian?
0:35:41 > 0:35:42Why would that make a difference?
0:35:42 > 0:35:45Because he has got so many past-a lives.
0:35:45 > 0:35:48COLLECTIVE GROAN
0:35:48 > 0:35:51Look, that is actually professional comedy you just witnessed.
0:35:51 > 0:35:53LAUGHTER
0:35:53 > 0:35:55Are they superstitious, Italians, about cats?
0:35:55 > 0:35:58Yeah, but the number of lives that a cat has in superstition
0:35:58 > 0:35:59varies from culture to culture.
0:35:59 > 0:36:01So the Italians believe it is seven.
0:36:01 > 0:36:04In Turkish and Arabic tradition, it's six.
0:36:04 > 0:36:05Germany, Greece, Brazil,
0:36:05 > 0:36:08a few Spanish-speaking places, it's seven as well. We have nine.
0:36:08 > 0:36:11Tommaso is possibly just one of the world's richest cats.
0:36:11 > 0:36:14He was a stray adopted by an elderly Italian woman named
0:36:14 > 0:36:18Maria Assunta, and when she died in 2011, she bequeathed him
0:36:18 > 0:36:2013,000,000
0:36:20 > 0:36:24to make sure he would be loved and cuddled.
0:36:24 > 0:36:27I would totally do it, and I don't like cats. I'm...
0:36:27 > 0:36:30I'd sit at the bottom of an old man's bed
0:36:30 > 0:36:32and drink milk naked for 13,000,000.
0:36:32 > 0:36:34- For probably 20 quid. - Just for 20...
0:36:36 > 0:36:39Why do so many cultures have an idea that cats always come back?
0:36:39 > 0:36:42It's more they're cheating death, isn't that the thing?
0:36:42 > 0:36:44- Yeah, they cheat death.- They fall off a roof and they walk away.
0:36:44 > 0:36:46Lots of people think that they...
0:36:46 > 0:36:48- But, if you put them in a tumble dryer, they will die.- They will.
0:36:48 > 0:36:51- LAUGHTER - Eventually.
0:36:53 > 0:36:56On the ninth time. "He's still alive!
0:36:56 > 0:36:59- "Go again!" - This is the eighth cycle!
0:37:01 > 0:37:04"I can't even touch him, he's so hot!
0:37:04 > 0:37:06"Arrgh, boof!"
0:37:06 > 0:37:08"Meow, bang, meow, bang."
0:37:10 > 0:37:12- NOEL:- Can you put my socks in with it?
0:37:12 > 0:37:14Cats are sometimes associated with bad luck,
0:37:14 > 0:37:17but naval traditional generally believes they protect vessels,
0:37:17 > 0:37:18and that even extended to airships.
0:37:18 > 0:37:22So the America was a dirigible, it was built in 1906,
0:37:22 > 0:37:24for a newsman called Walter Wellman.
0:37:24 > 0:37:26He was trying to reach the North Pole.
0:37:26 > 0:37:29And they brought along a cat called Kiddo, and it was a mascot.
0:37:29 > 0:37:32And Kiddo hated being on a dirigible,
0:37:32 > 0:37:34and he just skittered all over the place.
0:37:34 > 0:37:36He loathed it.
0:37:36 > 0:37:38What's interesting about the America,
0:37:38 > 0:37:42it was the very first airborne vessel to be fitted with a radio.
0:37:42 > 0:37:47And the first-ever air-to-ground radio communication from an aircraft was,
0:37:47 > 0:37:50"Roy, come and get this goddamn cat!"
0:37:50 > 0:37:52LAUGHTER
0:37:52 > 0:37:55And the second one was that bloke in the back going,
0:37:55 > 0:37:57"I've lost half my glasses."
0:37:57 > 0:37:59LAUGHTER
0:38:02 > 0:38:07Now, what should you use to make a traditional jack-o'-lantern?
0:38:07 > 0:38:08- NOEL:- Pumpkin.
0:38:08 > 0:38:11BELL RINGS KLAXON BLARES
0:38:12 > 0:38:14No, it's not a pumpkin.
0:38:14 > 0:38:15EVIL GIGGLING Yes?
0:38:15 > 0:38:17A turnip.
0:38:17 > 0:38:19A turnip is exactly right. Yes, very good.
0:38:19 > 0:38:21So turnips there on the left, and if you can't get a turnip,
0:38:21 > 0:38:24something called a mangelwurzel, which is on the right.
0:38:24 > 0:38:25And if you go to south Somerset,
0:38:25 > 0:38:28the last Thursday of October every year, they have Punkie Night,
0:38:28 > 0:38:29which is celebrated,
0:38:29 > 0:38:31and the children carry around lanterns called punkies,
0:38:31 > 0:38:34and those are hollowed-out mangelwurzels.
0:38:34 > 0:38:37Do you know where the tradition of Halloween comes from?
0:38:37 > 0:38:40- I'm looking at Aisling. - Best country in the world, Sandi.
0:38:40 > 0:38:43- Denmark.- Oh, no.- No?
0:38:43 > 0:38:47Ireland, it came from Ireland, from Samhain, S-A-M-H-A-I-N,
0:38:47 > 0:38:51which is Halloween, All Hallows Eve, we celebrate our dead.
0:38:51 > 0:38:53How do you say it? Because it looks like sam-hain.
0:38:53 > 0:38:55- Yeah, sow-an.- Sow-an.- Samhain.
0:38:55 > 0:38:58- Just haven't got time to say the whole thing properly. - Yeah. Very busy people.
0:38:58 > 0:39:00So it's actually about respecting the dead
0:39:00 > 0:39:02and letting them all hang around,
0:39:02 > 0:39:04and then, the next day, they get buried,
0:39:04 > 0:39:06so the first of November is where... It's All Saints' Day.
0:39:06 > 0:39:07But it's all over the world.
0:39:07 > 0:39:10In England, they used to carve turnips into something
0:39:10 > 0:39:12rather similar called Hoberdy's Lantern, and put them on...
0:39:12 > 0:39:13LAUGHTER
0:39:13 > 0:39:16That looks like someone had an infection after a long weekend.
0:39:16 > 0:39:18- Yeah. NOEL:- That is...
0:39:18 > 0:39:20- You can see why they moved on to pumpkins.- Yeah.
0:39:22 > 0:39:25So, the first jack-o'-lanterns were carved from turnips.
0:39:25 > 0:39:28Now, I've got each of you some magic sticks,
0:39:28 > 0:39:33but I want you to tell me which of these sticks is a wand.
0:39:33 > 0:39:36So I'm going to give this one to Aisling, there we go.
0:39:36 > 0:39:41I am going to give this one to Noel.
0:39:41 > 0:39:43- There we go.- That's it.
0:39:43 > 0:39:45I'm going to give this one to Russell.
0:39:45 > 0:39:48Oh, they're getting bigger and bigger. There we go.
0:39:48 > 0:39:51And, ah. LAUGHTER
0:39:51 > 0:39:53That's for Alan.
0:39:53 > 0:39:55- Aw.- Actually, I've got two for you.
0:39:55 > 0:39:57You can have that one, as well.
0:39:57 > 0:40:00- Anybody know what a wand used to be? - A walking stick?
0:40:00 > 0:40:02It's a unit of length.
0:40:02 > 0:40:05This was originally equivalent to a modern metre.
0:40:05 > 0:40:07So, in fact, Aisling has the original wand.
0:40:09 > 0:40:12Ooph! LAUGHTER
0:40:14 > 0:40:16Now, they're all old lengths.
0:40:16 > 0:40:19So, Noel, you've got something, it's called an "ars."
0:40:19 > 0:40:21LAUGHTER
0:40:21 > 0:40:23It's an old Turkish unit meaning forearm.
0:40:23 > 0:40:26So, you know in the Bible, it says Noah builds the ark using cubits?
0:40:26 > 0:40:29- Yes, by cubits.- That's that measure. That's the one you've got there.
0:40:29 > 0:40:32- OK.- And the one you've got, Russell, is Mongolian, it's an "ald",
0:40:32 > 0:40:34so it's the width of a man's arms outstretched.
0:40:34 > 0:40:36It was used in the time of Genghis Khan.
0:40:36 > 0:40:38I don't know if your arms would be the same as that span?
0:40:38 > 0:40:40Yeah. So it's roughly about...
0:40:40 > 0:40:41In his own world, with Genghis and his army,
0:40:41 > 0:40:44out there on the plains, fighting on horseback, bows and arrows,
0:40:44 > 0:40:46up against the Chinese, why the hell not?
0:40:46 > 0:40:48What else are you going to do, just sit quietly?
0:40:48 > 0:40:51To hell with it, we've got me wand, I'm off out there.
0:40:51 > 0:40:52LAUGHTER
0:40:54 > 0:40:57- Alan, your little one is actually a measure.- Oh.
0:40:57 > 0:41:00It's a pyramid inch, which briefly in the 19th century
0:41:00 > 0:41:03they believed was the measure that had been used by the Egyptians
0:41:03 > 0:41:05to build their pyramids. And it was a sort of sacred measure.
0:41:05 > 0:41:07The theory in fact fell out of popularity in 1880.
0:41:07 > 0:41:11The Egyptologist Flinders Petrie re-measured and thought it wasn't quite...
0:41:11 > 0:41:13The other one you've got, Alan, is a Scandinavian measure,
0:41:13 > 0:41:15and do you know what it's called? It's 60cm long.
0:41:15 > 0:41:18A...er... No.
0:41:20 > 0:41:22- It's called an "alen."- Aw.
0:41:22 > 0:41:25- Is it?- None of them are in fact magic wands.
0:41:25 > 0:41:28Does anybody know what you have to say in order to get a magic wand?
0:41:28 > 0:41:29Please.
0:41:29 > 0:41:32- GASPING - Ah! Ah!
0:41:32 > 0:41:35- She's a witch! Witch! - APPLAUSE
0:41:37 > 0:41:40- That was genuinely alarming. - Genuinely.
0:41:40 > 0:41:43Which brings us to the hellfire and damnation of the scores,
0:41:43 > 0:41:47and, oh, my. Last place, with minus 17 -
0:41:47 > 0:41:49Noel Fielding. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:41:52 > 0:41:55In a very creditable third place -
0:41:55 > 0:41:57Russell!
0:41:57 > 0:41:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:02 > 0:42:04In second place, with minus two -
0:42:04 > 0:42:06it's Alan!
0:42:06 > 0:42:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:10 > 0:42:11And that means...
0:42:11 > 0:42:13SHE GASPS
0:42:13 > 0:42:14Oh, my God!
0:42:14 > 0:42:17This week, I've won! No, it means...
0:42:17 > 0:42:22..with no points at all, this week's winner is Aisling.
0:42:22 > 0:42:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:31 > 0:42:33And that means that Aisling is the winner
0:42:33 > 0:42:35of tonight's objectionable object.
0:42:35 > 0:42:39This is the skull of one of the QI researchers, as a matter of fact.
0:42:39 > 0:42:42So, there you are, Aisling, there is your object to take home.
0:42:42 > 0:42:43- Oh, goodness me.- Is it a real skull?
0:42:43 > 0:42:46- Yes, of course, darling, look at the size of it.- Oh.
0:42:46 > 0:42:49Just... Your biology as good as your maths.
0:42:49 > 0:42:52LAUGHTER
0:42:52 > 0:42:55Thank you to Russell, Noel, Aisling and Alan.
0:42:55 > 0:42:57And I leave you with this -
0:42:57 > 0:43:01the great French zoologist Georges Cuvier was irritatingly logical.
0:43:01 > 0:43:02One day, to teach him a lesson,
0:43:02 > 0:43:05a colleague broke into his bedroom dressed as a devil with
0:43:05 > 0:43:08horns on his head, and shouted, "Mr Cuvier, I'm going to eat you!"
0:43:08 > 0:43:09To which he replied,
0:43:09 > 0:43:12"All animals with horns and hooves are herbivorous."
0:43:12 > 0:43:14And he went back to sleep. LAUGHTER
0:43:14 > 0:43:16Thank you and good night.
0:43:16 > 0:43:17APPLAUSE