0:00:33 > 0:00:35APPLAUSE
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Good evening and welcome to the QI office party.
0:00:38 > 0:00:42Joining me around the photocopier for a show all about offices
0:00:42 > 0:00:47and occupations are vice president of stapler affairs, Deirdre O'Kane.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:51 > 0:00:55Senior partner in charge of biscuits, Richard Osman.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:59 > 0:01:03Regional branch Biro lid replacement manager, David Mitchell.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:07 > 0:01:14And, on the 15th year of his two-week internship, Alan Davies.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:21 > 0:01:24Let's hear their noises office. Deirdre goes...
0:01:24 > 0:01:26CLACKING
0:01:26 > 0:01:28PING
0:01:28 > 0:01:29What is it?
0:01:29 > 0:01:32- Typewriter.- It's a, yeah... - Thanks for the help! Thank you.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35- Well done!- Wow. - Yes, there must be a historian in.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37But genuinely, kids at home are going, "Oh, thank you."
0:01:37 > 0:01:39They couldn't know that, they wouldn't have.
0:01:39 > 0:01:40Richard goes...
0:01:40 > 0:01:44BROADBAND DIAL-UP BEEPING
0:01:44 > 0:01:47LAUGHTER
0:01:47 > 0:01:49That's a laugh from a certain section of the audience,
0:01:49 > 0:01:50who got that.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52David goes...
0:01:52 > 0:01:54WATER POURING
0:01:54 > 0:01:57BUBBLING
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Diarrhoea, we're all aware of that.
0:02:01 > 0:02:02And Alan goes...
0:02:02 > 0:02:05RINGING
0:02:07 > 0:02:10The office is now closed. Please leave a message for...
0:02:10 > 0:02:13- Alan Davies.- ..after the tone.
0:02:13 > 0:02:14BEEP
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Right.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20What's the worst thing you can catch in the office?
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Well, I mean, the plague?
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Can you imagine how many days off people had during the plague?
0:02:26 > 0:02:28People who were perfectly all right.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31"Yeah, oh, God, plague, yeah. Yeah, pretty bad."
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Were they just talking to their hands? They were just...
0:02:34 > 0:02:35Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Files disease.
0:02:37 > 0:02:38Files disease?
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Well, in fact, it's bad manners.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Bad manners is the thing you are most likely to catch in an office.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49They did a study in 2015, and acts of rudeness apparently
0:02:49 > 0:02:53spread around an organisation a bit like a cold.
0:02:53 > 0:02:54And when rudeness starts,
0:02:54 > 0:02:57it tends to get worse over the course of a working day.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59- It is the thing... - Oh, bugger off!
0:02:59 > 0:03:01LAUGHTER
0:03:02 > 0:03:04APPLAUSE
0:03:07 > 0:03:08You can't actually catch bad manners.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Apparently what happens is,
0:03:10 > 0:03:12if somebody is rude to you you're more likely to be rude back.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Hence the Nazis and things like that.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19- That started in an office... - Yeah, yeah.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21- ..with someone being a little bit impolite...- Yeah.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23- ..over some filing. - And suddenly they're in Poland.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26The next thing you know...
0:03:26 > 0:03:27There is lots of bacteria as well.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30I mean, they did a study of 33 keyboards in an average office and
0:03:30 > 0:03:33one of them had five times as many germs as the office toilet seat.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38But I'm always a bit worried about those numbers of germs things
0:03:38 > 0:03:42because they say the average kitchen worktop has more germs on it
0:03:42 > 0:03:44than the average loo seat.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46To which the obvious response is,
0:03:46 > 0:03:48well, that's obviously broadly fine, then.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Because we're not all dying, we don't go to the kitchen
0:03:50 > 0:03:54and have one meal and immediately vomit and vomit and vomit.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56But toilets are actually quite clean
0:03:56 > 0:03:58because they are actually cleaned with bleach, which is...
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Do you not think bleach is the perfect product of all time?
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Because people go to the shops, they buy it, they pour it
0:04:03 > 0:04:06down the toilet, they flush it away and they go and buy some more.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Whoever invented it thought, "This is going to make us a fortune."
0:04:11 > 0:04:12So Deirdre, what do you reckon?
0:04:12 > 0:04:15If you had an all-male office and an all-female office,
0:04:15 > 0:04:17which one would have more bacteria?
0:04:17 > 0:04:18- Oh, the male office.- Why?
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Because they're mankier than us.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23So maybe that is the scientific answer.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26They're dirtier and bigger, so they give off more bacteria.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32But are men dirtier per kilogram?
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Oh, that's a good question.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37Deirdre, how dirty are you? And then we'll work it out.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40I know that men don't wash their hands after
0:04:40 > 0:04:42- they've been in the toilet. - There you go.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45In fact, I was once at Wembley Stadium,
0:04:45 > 0:04:49and I went to wash my hands, and when I got to the sink
0:04:49 > 0:04:52there were three penises urinating into the sink.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54No! On their own?
0:04:56 > 0:04:58I don't really know how it works.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03They couldn't be bothered to queue for the urinals,
0:05:03 > 0:05:06they just used the sink where I was trying to wash my hands.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08And they're here tonight.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Did you ever play the old Comedy Store in Leicester Square?
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Yes, and the first time I went in the dressing room,
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Arthur Smith and Paul Merton were in there.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19And they introduced themselves and said, "The toilet's over there."
0:05:19 > 0:05:20- And it was the sink.- Yeah.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23So there was just a basin in the corner of the room,
0:05:23 > 0:05:26and they weren't really expecting girls.
0:05:26 > 0:05:27I was just going to say, not much good for us.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30No, well, Josie Lawrence used to lift me up, to be able...
0:05:33 > 0:05:36But while we're on the difference between boys and girls,
0:05:36 > 0:05:40does anybody know why air con, air conditioning in offices is sexist?
0:05:40 > 0:05:44Is it because males and females like different room temperatures?
0:05:44 > 0:05:46It's because when it was first set,
0:05:46 > 0:05:50they did some tests in the 1960s and they specifically set
0:05:50 > 0:05:53the temperature for an 11st, 40-year-old man.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55And it's been set at that temperature...
0:05:55 > 0:05:57There's no such thing as that any more, is there?
0:05:57 > 0:05:59An 11st 40-year-old man.
0:05:59 > 0:06:00So it was set at that.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04And I don't know his name, if I catch him I'm going to kill him.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06But women's metabolisms run so much slower,
0:06:06 > 0:06:09so we don't have as much muscle, we don't generate as much heat,
0:06:09 > 0:06:11so we're much colder in offices than men,
0:06:11 > 0:06:13for whom the air conditioning is all organised.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16There is good news, if you feel cold at work.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19If you feel cold on a Monday, why might it be better on a Friday?
0:06:19 > 0:06:23The excitement at the weekend makes everyone get a little bit oooh.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25- So...- You've been in the office for five days, you get used to it?
0:06:25 > 0:06:28It's that you've been in the office for five days and it has
0:06:28 > 0:06:31got warmer by the generation of all those people coming into the city.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33They did some studies in Melbourne
0:06:33 > 0:06:36and the temperature actually went up 0.3 degrees in the entire city
0:06:36 > 0:06:39by just people coming in over the course of the week.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Not just because it's Melbourne and it's warmer there.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Well, I never thought of that as an answer, I think that's fair enough.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47The worst thing you can catch in the office is bad manners,
0:06:47 > 0:06:51unless you work in a virus laboratory, I imagine.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53So, I have four occupations for you.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Deirdre, you are a sewage diver.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Richard, you are the Queen's bagpiper.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01David, you're an ornamental hermit.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06And, Alan, you're bailiff of the Chiltern Hundreds.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Which of you has got a real job?
0:07:09 > 0:07:11The Chiltern Hundreds is a real place.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Yes, but is the job a real job?
0:07:13 > 0:07:16It's an anti-job. It's what you get when you resign as an MP,
0:07:16 > 0:07:17- you join the Chiltern Hundreds. - Yeah.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19So it's not really a real job.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22So 1624, they passed a law saying that nobody
0:07:22 > 0:07:25can leave Parliament, and it stems from the time
0:07:25 > 0:07:27when people were elected against their will.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29So sometimes local gentry were made to join Parliament,
0:07:29 > 0:07:31they didn't really want to,
0:07:31 > 0:07:34and the law says technically you have to die or you have to be
0:07:34 > 0:07:37voted out or you have to go work for the Queen or something.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40So if you want to retire, you apply for a fictional Crown Office
0:07:40 > 0:07:42called the steward and bailiff of the Chiltern Hundreds.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45And here are some people who have, in their time, been stewards.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Look at Tony Blair pretending to drink wine.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51He brought an empty glass to his lips
0:07:51 > 0:07:53and now he's filled it with his special liquid.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56LAUGHTER
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Then he passes it to the person next to him.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03They drink it and then they like him.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07So, let's go back to the sewage diver.
0:08:07 > 0:08:08What do you reckon, Deirdre, real job?
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Well, it's a shit job, isn't it?
0:08:12 > 0:08:14It is, look at that, it is a real thing.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16It's more wading they do than diving, isn't it?
0:08:16 > 0:08:19But that's not a way to resign if you're an MP. You know...
0:08:19 > 0:08:22- I think that would be quite popular. - That would be a good way.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25"I wish to leave politics, so now I will immerse myself in excrement."
0:08:25 > 0:08:27- Yes.- Hooray!
0:08:27 > 0:08:28- DEIRDRE:- But who would do this job?
0:08:28 > 0:08:29I used to be a sewage diver.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31It was just going through the motions.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33AUDIENCE GROANS
0:08:33 > 0:08:34Thanks, everybody.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36APPLAUSE
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Well, there are sewage farms and they have sort of moving parts,
0:08:41 > 0:08:44and when things get stuck, they're fitted with air pipelines,
0:08:44 > 0:08:46- they have to dive in and climb down to fix them.- Oh, God.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49- They're fitted with air pipelines, I would hope so.- Yes, I know.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Just take a deep breath and go for it.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57I would have thought the worst job is the person who has to
0:08:57 > 0:08:59clean the suit when they get out.
0:08:59 > 0:09:00I don't know.
0:09:02 > 0:09:07I think I'd go, presented with that terrible career choice,
0:09:07 > 0:09:09I think I'd go for cleaning the suit.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13What about Queen's bagpiper, Richard, is that a real job?
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Well, she's got everything, hasn't she, the Queen?
0:09:15 > 0:09:17So yeah, gosh, I'd imagine so.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19She is really keen on bagpipers, isn't she?
0:09:19 > 0:09:20Well, she inherited it.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Queen Victoria was terribly keen, I mean, mad keen on them.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26- Mad for the bagpipes. - Mad for the bagpipes.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29There was no telly then, so, you know, fair enough.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31I have to say, it was much easier in the days
0:09:31 > 0:09:34- when all you had to be better than was a bagpiper.- Yeah.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Nine o'clock every morning he plays for 15 minutes
0:09:36 > 0:09:38underneath her window.
0:09:38 > 0:09:39Oh, no, he doesn't!
0:09:39 > 0:09:43Well, he's been told it's her window. Who knows?
0:09:45 > 0:09:47They play 15 minutes every day at Buckingham Palace,
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Windsor Castle, Balmoral or Holyroodhouse.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52They don't play at Sandringham. Anybody know why?
0:09:52 > 0:09:53Because she needs a break.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58- That's the Christmas one, isn't it, Sandringham?- Yeah.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Well, apparently it's because there isn't enough accommodation.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03So...
0:10:03 > 0:10:05- I'm so sorry, we just don't have the room for the bagpiper.- No.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07One of the things they say...
0:10:07 > 0:10:10It's kind of anti the Christmas story, isn't it?
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Go in the stable.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:15 > 0:10:17No room for the bagpipers.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Apparently, and you'll be appalled by this,
0:10:20 > 0:10:22at Christmas at Sandringham,
0:10:22 > 0:10:25some of the royal family have to sleep in the servants' quarters.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29I don't know where the servants go.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33But presumably that involves them seducing a servant every evening.
0:10:35 > 0:10:36I mean, that...
0:10:36 > 0:10:39And when he's not bagpiping, he's a Page of Presence.
0:10:39 > 0:10:40But I have no idea what that is.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43A Page of PRESENTS is Santa's list, isn't it?
0:10:43 > 0:10:44Oh.
0:10:46 > 0:10:47I'm going to give you an extra point
0:10:47 > 0:10:50because that's the cutest answer anybody's ever given.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55What about the ornamental hermit, David? What do you reckon?
0:10:55 > 0:10:59The sort of very rich man, aristocrat that built follies
0:10:59 > 0:11:02might think a folly would be even more fun if it was permanently
0:11:02 > 0:11:05inhabited by someone employed to sort of be there and be a hermit.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08You're absolutely right. It was very fashionable in the 18th century.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10They liked people to sort of dress up as Druids,
0:11:10 > 0:11:11and they lived in caves.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13If the land owner couldn't afford a hermit,
0:11:13 > 0:11:16because, you know, they're pricey, they saved money by having
0:11:16 > 0:11:19just the hermitage and telling everybody the hermit was out.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23- Which, famously, hermits never are. - No.
0:11:26 > 0:11:27Yeah, I'd have gone with,
0:11:27 > 0:11:30"Don't bother the hermit, he's a bit of a loner."
0:11:32 > 0:11:33That's more plausible, isn't it?
0:11:33 > 0:11:35There are still several towns in Europe
0:11:35 > 0:11:36that have professional hermits.
0:11:36 > 0:11:41So early 2017, the Austrian town of Saalfelden advertised for one.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44There's no salary, but you get your own house and chapel,
0:11:44 > 0:11:45which is very nice.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47There's no TV, no running water, no internet,
0:11:47 > 0:11:49and you need to be sociable.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52- You need to be sociable? - Yeah, because people turn up.
0:11:52 > 0:11:53- You wouldn't expect that.- No.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56If you'd finally made it as a professional hermit and then
0:11:56 > 0:11:59they say, "Of course, the main thing is you've got to be sociable."
0:12:00 > 0:12:032008 survey, most common job title in the UK?
0:12:03 > 0:12:05- Job title?- Yeah.- Party planner?
0:12:06 > 0:12:09- No.- Balloon animal magician?
0:12:09 > 0:12:10Oh, I want it to be that.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Is it just an office worker?
0:12:12 > 0:12:15- It's manager.- Oh, right.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17- That's a lot of managers.- It is.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Most of them have been England managers, as well.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23- Is that a football joke?- Yeah.- OK.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26LAUGHTER
0:12:26 > 0:12:28APPLAUSE
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Anyway, moving on.
0:12:32 > 0:12:37Why shouldn't you give a teenage boy your phone?
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Just plain hygiene.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47Don't want to give a teenage boy anything, do you?
0:12:47 > 0:12:50- DAVID:- I'm not happy with anyone having my phone.- Oh, why?
0:12:50 > 0:12:54My phone broke a few weeks ago and it was like I'd lost a hand.
0:12:54 > 0:12:59And in fact I gained one, because I could use two at once again.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01APPLAUSE
0:13:01 > 0:13:02But it was...
0:13:02 > 0:13:06I was honestly, I felt genuinely bereft.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09I think having something you can stare at, and by staring at it
0:13:09 > 0:13:11you look like you're gainfully occupied,
0:13:11 > 0:13:13and so people might leave you alone.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16It's a way of being a hermit wherever you are.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Actually, we are going back to the 19th century.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23It's the very first telephone systems.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Bell telephone, 1878.
0:13:25 > 0:13:26If a call came in,
0:13:26 > 0:13:29they actually had to put a plug into the hole that the call was
0:13:29 > 0:13:32being received, and then run a wire to where the call wanted to go.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35And when they first set up this system they hired messenger boys
0:13:35 > 0:13:38because it was assumed that it was a physically demanding job
0:13:38 > 0:13:41and the boys would be fantastic at it, they'd be really fit.
0:13:41 > 0:13:45Instead, they drank beer and wrestled each other,
0:13:45 > 0:13:49swore at the customers and connected strangers together as a prank.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54- What if...?- Well, that's like the first social network.
0:13:54 > 0:13:55Yes, it is, exactly.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58I was going to say, what if this is what the internet is?
0:13:58 > 0:14:00We think it's this whizzy thing, but it's actually just
0:14:00 > 0:14:03a series of teenage boys in a little bunker, kind of connecting people.
0:14:03 > 0:14:04I know, dressed like that.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06It would explain a lot about the internet if it was.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11And so the boys were very quickly replaced by women.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14By the end of the 1880s, almost all phone operators were women,
0:14:14 > 0:14:16and they could always remember who they were speaking to.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19They had to say "number, please" about a thousand times a day.
0:14:19 > 0:14:23They were polite and they managed to knit at the same time.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25This is the original multi-tasking.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27And yet the toilet was still a sink.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31The phone banks, you can see how long they are in the picture,
0:14:31 > 0:14:33that some of the women used to wear roller skates
0:14:33 > 0:14:35in order to make their way up and down.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Fantastic picture.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Anyway, another O occupation now.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44How would an Onion Johnny bring tears to your eyes?
0:14:47 > 0:14:48Is he wearing one there?
0:14:50 > 0:14:51No, it's not a thing.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53- It's not a thing?- No.
0:14:53 > 0:14:54So it's an emotion?
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Oh, what is the emotion of Onion Johnny?
0:14:59 > 0:15:01It's a sad emotion, obviously, it brings tears to your eyes.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Because it's making you cry. An ennui, maybe.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06You are heading in the right direction.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08OK, really? Blimey!
0:15:08 > 0:15:10In that we've managed to get a cod French accent in.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13- Oh, all right.- So it's French.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15- French, heading towards France. - French, but it's not a thing.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17It's a person.
0:15:17 > 0:15:18Is it a person selling onions?
0:15:18 > 0:15:22It's a person selling onions, absolutely right, Deirdre,
0:15:22 > 0:15:23very well done.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25APPLAUSE
0:15:25 > 0:15:27So, they were French onion sellers who travelled door to door.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30The 1920s and '30s, there were up to 1,500 of them
0:15:30 > 0:15:32who travelled to the UK for several months of the year,
0:15:32 > 0:15:34mostly on bicycles.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36And they were called Johnnies because they were Jean,
0:15:36 > 0:15:38many of them were called Jean, so they were Onion Johnnies.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41And it's where we get the origin of the French stereotype,
0:15:41 > 0:15:43the beret and the stripy jumper.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46But in fact they were Breton, they were from Brittany.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49So most French people are baffled by the fact that we think this is
0:15:49 > 0:15:53what a Frenchman looks like, because most of the Johnnies didn't speak
0:15:53 > 0:15:57French at all, they spoke Bretonese, which is a bit like Welsh.
0:15:57 > 0:16:002008 reported only 15 Onion Johnnies remaining.
0:16:00 > 0:16:01Does anybody know the myth that
0:16:01 > 0:16:04if you put half an onion in your sock, within half an hour
0:16:04 > 0:16:07you'll be able to taste it, as the chemicals run through your body?
0:16:07 > 0:16:09But why would you eat your sock?
0:16:11 > 0:16:13No, you don't need to eat the sock.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17You put the onion inside the sock to keep it in place.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19And then the chemicals seep up through your body.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21- Nonsense, I don't believe it. - It is nonsense.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24One of the Elves tried this and it doesn't work,
0:16:24 > 0:16:26and what worries me is that they tried it.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32- They are very thorough researchers. - They do very thorough research.
0:16:32 > 0:16:33I heard that if you fill your shoes with custard
0:16:33 > 0:16:36you can taste it after half an hour, and that's a fact.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Don't say that, those squelching Elves.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40If they're watching.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42I've heard if you put beef stroganoff in your socks
0:16:42 > 0:16:44you can taste it after six weeks,
0:16:44 > 0:16:47so you've really got to stick at that one.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Sometimes they make you cry and sometimes they don't, don't they?
0:16:50 > 0:16:53- Yes, and there are all sorts of... - And there's a reason for that.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55I think it's the way in which you cut them.
0:16:55 > 0:16:56Something to do with that,
0:16:56 > 0:16:59and also whether your partner's just left you.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02LAUGHTER
0:17:04 > 0:17:06APPLAUSE
0:17:08 > 0:17:11And there's no point in putting a spoon in your mouth then, is there?
0:17:11 > 0:17:13- I do that.- Yeah? - Do you put a teaspoon in your mouth?
0:17:13 > 0:17:14You're meant to put a spoon in your mouth.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17When you're chopping onion, you put a spoon in your mouth
0:17:17 > 0:17:18and you won't cry, but it doesn't work.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21A teaspoon or a great big spoon, like a ladle?
0:17:21 > 0:17:22No, like a...
0:17:23 > 0:17:26- Let's say a dessert spoon. - Dessert spoon.
0:17:26 > 0:17:27Soup spoon size.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30And do you have it curvy bit up or down?
0:17:30 > 0:17:32I'd have the curly bit up in the shape of the palate.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35- DAVID:- But don't ask Deirdre, it doesn't work for her.- Yeah.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Have you ever played the spoon game?
0:17:37 > 0:17:39What's the spoon game?
0:17:39 > 0:17:40The spoon game is...
0:17:41 > 0:17:44..you put a spoon in your mouth, a bit like that...
0:17:44 > 0:17:46- Yeah.- All right. Put your head down, it won't hurt.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48- Put my what?- Your head.
0:17:48 > 0:17:49Head down, right.
0:17:49 > 0:17:50And you go like that.
0:17:53 > 0:17:54- Right?- Mm-hmm.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56- Then... David, you can get up now. - Thank you.
0:17:58 > 0:18:02Then David will put the spoon in his mouth and I'll put my head down.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04- Yeah.- And then a third person behind me will hit me
0:18:04 > 0:18:06with incredible force with another spoon.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12- And it really, really hurts.- Yes. - So when you come up, you're enraged.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14And then you put the spoon back in your mouth
0:18:14 > 0:18:16and you really, really try as hard as you can.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19And then they say "Right," and then the third person goes...
0:18:19 > 0:18:23And it took me three goes before I thought, "Hang on a minute,
0:18:23 > 0:18:26"you're not doing that with a spoon in your mouth!"
0:18:26 > 0:18:29What worried me is how compliant David was.
0:18:29 > 0:18:30You had no idea.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34I was just trying to look fun.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40- I've known you a long time, David, it's a new look.- Yeah.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Now for an out-of-office question.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49How do you get everyone to leave the office party?
0:18:49 > 0:18:51- A fire alarm?- Fire alarm's good.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53- Sprinklers. - I'm going to give you a clue.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56It's a particular office that we are going to be in,
0:18:56 > 0:18:57it's going to be the Oval Office.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Tell them the President's on his way?
0:19:03 > 0:19:05So, the President of the United States,
0:19:05 > 0:19:08it was a tradition that he held an open house
0:19:08 > 0:19:09to celebrate the inauguration.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11And theoretically anybody could show up
0:19:11 > 0:19:13and shake the President's hand and drink a bit of punch.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16So, 1829, Andrew Jackson, he had a tradition of,
0:19:16 > 0:19:18you know, having people over.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20And it was the worst house party ever.
0:19:20 > 0:19:2420,000 people showed up, massive crowds poured in.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27They stood on the furniture, they ground food into the carpet,
0:19:27 > 0:19:28they broke the crystal,
0:19:28 > 0:19:31and apparently the carpet smelled of cheese for months.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33So, how to get the guests out of the house?
0:19:33 > 0:19:35So the house has got 20,000 people in it,
0:19:35 > 0:19:38they're all making the place stink of cheese.
0:19:38 > 0:19:39- What do you do?- Fire?- No.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42- You want to lure them, be nice... - Ice cream van.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Ice cream van in 1829, I'm loving the idea.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49I'm sorry, ice cream cart.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53No, they set up huge barrels of whisky on the lawn.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56- Oh!- "Free booze!"- Free booze. - "Free booze!"
0:19:56 > 0:19:58At last, we've had so much cheese!
0:20:00 > 0:20:02But he didn't learn, Jackson,
0:20:02 > 0:20:05so 1837, he's done eight years in office, and he leaves office.
0:20:05 > 0:20:09And he's been given as a gift this massive half-tonne
0:20:09 > 0:20:12wheel of cheese by a farmer as a...
0:20:12 > 0:20:13- Half a tonne? - A half a tonne wheel of cheese.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16And he thought, "We'll have that as a party."
0:20:16 > 0:20:2010,000 people turned up and ate this cheese in two hours.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23And once again the White House stank of cheese, apparently.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27Simpler times, when all you need for a great party is just
0:20:27 > 0:20:30an unbelievable quantity of cheese.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32- You don't even need biscuits.- No.
0:20:32 > 0:20:33So, the truth is,
0:20:33 > 0:20:35most people don't look forward to their office parties.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37They did a survey of 700 office workers -
0:20:37 > 0:20:3925% did look forward to it,
0:20:39 > 0:20:4040% didn't care,
0:20:40 > 0:20:4320% actively hated the prospect
0:20:43 > 0:20:48and 15% couldn't be arsed to answer the question, I think.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50I think you have to be quite socially confident to say
0:20:50 > 0:20:53you're looking forward to your office party.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55- It sounds a bit keen.- Yeah.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58You're supposed to dread it or go, "Oh, it'll be fine."
0:20:58 > 0:21:01So those 25% are either very socially confident or
0:21:01 > 0:21:04- they've completely missed the mood of the times.- Yeah.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Quick question about the Oval Office.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Can you spot the fascist in the Oval Office?
0:21:11 > 0:21:13It's a thing. This is an actual thing.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15- A thing, a thing.- It's not a person.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18It's the thing from which we get the word fascist, or fascism.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21It's that bundle there that you could see over the door.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23So what it is, it's a bundle of wooden rods,
0:21:23 > 0:21:24it's often shown with an axe.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26And when Mussolini came to power, he adopted it
0:21:26 > 0:21:29as the symbol of fascism, so it's where we get the word from.
0:21:29 > 0:21:30It's a big thing for the Americans,
0:21:30 > 0:21:33there are two fasces on the Seal of the United States Senate,
0:21:33 > 0:21:35and they also had them on their coins
0:21:35 > 0:21:36throughout the Second World War.
0:21:36 > 0:21:40The Washington monument is the tallest building in Washington DC.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43No other building is allowed to be more than 12 storeys
0:21:43 > 0:21:45- or something like that.- Yeah.
0:21:45 > 0:21:46It was much disputed over,
0:21:46 > 0:21:48because they couldn't decide who was going to pay for it.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51So they built a bit of it and then it stopped, and by the time
0:21:51 > 0:21:53they finished building it, they didn't have the same marble,
0:21:53 > 0:21:56so you can see a line where the dispute kind of took place.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Once you get above a certain height you can just use breeze blocks.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03No, I always spot that, always.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07People always build their fences to like an inch lower
0:22:07 > 0:22:09than my eyesight, and, honestly, they think they're
0:22:09 > 0:22:13safe from everybody, but they're not safe from me.
0:22:13 > 0:22:14The trampolines I've seen!
0:22:14 > 0:22:17LAUGHTER
0:22:18 > 0:22:22That's just a brilliant title for your autobiography.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24But you know what?
0:22:24 > 0:22:26APPLAUSE
0:22:27 > 0:22:30We've got a wall that goes onto a public space,
0:22:30 > 0:22:34and the limit that we're allowed to erect to is two metres,
0:22:34 > 0:22:37which is a very close approximation of your height.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40So the law about your wall height is specifically designed
0:22:40 > 0:22:43to allow Richard to see in.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Or it's for us to see Richard should he approach.
0:22:45 > 0:22:46Yeah.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52Right, moving on.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Name the world's biggest troll.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Donald Trump.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58SIREN BLARES
0:22:59 > 0:23:01APPLAUSE
0:23:05 > 0:23:06Any more for any more?
0:23:06 > 0:23:07- Katie Hopkins.- Hey!
0:23:07 > 0:23:10SIREN BLARES
0:23:10 > 0:23:12APPLAUSE
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Donald Twitter?
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Oh, no, that doesn't make sense!
0:23:20 > 0:23:22- Piers Morgan.- Piers Morgan.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24SIREN BLARES
0:23:24 > 0:23:26APPLAUSE
0:23:27 > 0:23:29No, we've gone offshore, so it's not a Twitter thing,
0:23:29 > 0:23:31it's an offshore thing.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Do trolls live under oil rigs now? Who's that clip-clopping over...?
0:23:34 > 0:23:36"Boom!"
0:23:37 > 0:23:39- It's Troll A.- Oh, that.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42It's a gas platform in the North Sea's Troll gas field.
0:23:42 > 0:23:47It's the tallest and heaviest structure ever moved by mankind.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49It weighs over a million tonnes
0:23:49 > 0:23:52- and it is taller than the Empire State Building. So...- Is it?
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Normally, this is before it's been taken out...
0:23:54 > 0:23:55- Shut the front door!- I know!
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Taller than the Empire State Building?
0:23:57 > 0:24:00This is before it's been taken out to sea, so when it is out
0:24:00 > 0:24:03at sea you can't actually see the central structures there.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05And it takes nine minutes to take the lift
0:24:05 > 0:24:07down the leg of the structure.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Whereupon you drown.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12The singer Katie Melua received a Guinness World Record for
0:24:12 > 0:24:15the Deepest Concert Ever Given
0:24:15 > 0:24:19when she played 303 metres below sea level in the leg.
0:24:19 > 0:24:24So they have a performance space at the bottom of the troll leg thing?
0:24:24 > 0:24:25Yes, but I don't...
0:24:25 > 0:24:27I think that shouldn't have got funding.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30There's too much money in gas, isn't there?
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Well, I think it's strictly speaking called the dining room,
0:24:33 > 0:24:34it's not like a club.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38And you couldn't have a board outside saying what's on,
0:24:38 > 0:24:41because it would get washed off every now and again.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Would you not get the bends?
0:24:43 > 0:24:45- It'll be pressurized in there.- Yeah.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48It's not only is it a sub-aqua performance space,
0:24:48 > 0:24:49- it has to be pressurized!- Yeah.
0:24:49 > 0:24:54You can see why the boat remains the more cost-efficient way
0:24:54 > 0:24:56- of having something on the surface of the sea.- Yeah.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Rather than it being on a huge concrete leg
0:24:59 > 0:25:00with a concert hall in it.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06And when all that's done, is there a tiny little gas tap at the top,
0:25:06 > 0:25:08like you have for a Bunsen burner?
0:25:08 > 0:25:10You've got your million tonne structure, and then you go,
0:25:10 > 0:25:11"psssht."
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Yeah, they use it to light their cigarettes.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19When we went for a cigarette at lunch time at school,
0:25:19 > 0:25:22we went and stood round the back of the Shell garage, I shit you not!
0:25:24 > 0:25:27That was where we went for a cigarette!
0:25:27 > 0:25:29"Going up the garage?" "Going up the garage."
0:25:29 > 0:25:32And we'd go round and smoke on the forecourt.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Safety first, I love it.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Now, for a double-O occupation,
0:25:36 > 0:25:41can you name the longest-lasting Soviet spy to work in the UK?
0:25:41 > 0:25:42- Oh, yes.- Yes?
0:25:42 > 0:25:44My friend Steve.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46- I shouldn't say that, actually. - Sssh.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48But it is him.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51It was a secretary called Melita Norwood, and she had
0:25:51 > 0:25:55a job in a metals firm in London that was heavily involved...
0:25:55 > 0:25:56You just have to look at her!
0:25:56 > 0:25:59I know, you can tell straight away.
0:25:59 > 0:26:03To be fair to her, she spent a while in Slade as well.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06LAUGHTER
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Doesn't she look a bit like Richard, though?
0:26:10 > 0:26:11Sssh.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Like a little Richard.
0:26:13 > 0:26:17You know what her main tactic was? Peering over people's walls.
0:26:17 > 0:26:18Fantastically tall.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23I get that Vladimir Putin onto me all the time,
0:26:23 > 0:26:25"Tell me about the trampolines, tell me."
0:26:25 > 0:26:27"Who is on ze trampoliiiine?"
0:26:27 > 0:26:28I don't know why I did that voice.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30"Does Alan Davies have a Wendy house?"
0:26:32 > 0:26:35It just shows you, it's worth another layer of bricks,
0:26:35 > 0:26:38- isn't it, when you're building a wall around MI6?- Yep.
0:26:38 > 0:26:42How tall can someone be? Six foot two maximum!
0:26:42 > 0:26:45She worked in a metals firm that was heavily involved in
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Britain's atomic project, and every night she used to open her boss's
0:26:48 > 0:26:51safe and she used to photograph the contents, and thanks to her
0:26:51 > 0:26:54the Soviet Union were able to test their nuclear weapons much sooner.
0:26:54 > 0:27:00And she was discovered as a spy in 1999, when she was 87 years old.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04And the authorities decided there was no point in prosecuting her,
0:27:04 > 0:27:07and she was of course nicknamed The Bolshevik of Bexleyheath.
0:27:08 > 0:27:12Which is a hideous error, because obviously Bolshevik is a male word.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15- Oh, Bolshikava. - Should have been Bolshevichka.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18- Also, she lived in Stafford, and so...- Yeah.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21One of the least effective spies, Britain's Michael Bettaney,
0:27:21 > 0:27:23hired by MI5 in 1982.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26He once tried to dodge a ticket on a train while drunk,
0:27:26 > 0:27:28and when a guard chased him he shouted,
0:27:28 > 0:27:30"You can't arrest me, I'm a spy."
0:27:33 > 0:27:36It's so easy to over-estimate the efficacy of the double bluff,
0:27:36 > 0:27:37- isn't it?- I know, yes.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39He later tried to get in touch with the KGB to sell them
0:27:39 > 0:27:42some documents, and the KGB thought they were being set-up
0:27:42 > 0:27:44and they informed MI5 of his treachery.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46So he was just rubbish.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50Look, that is the worst bunny rabbit you've ever seen.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52LAUGHTER
0:27:53 > 0:27:55APPLAUSE
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Probably the worst spying operation happened in 1940,
0:28:00 > 0:28:03and this is one of my favourites - a dozen German spies
0:28:03 > 0:28:07landed in Britain and they were all caught almost immediately.
0:28:07 > 0:28:08One walked into a pub
0:28:08 > 0:28:11and asked for a pint of cider soon after nine o'clock in the morning,
0:28:11 > 0:28:14and they weren't allowed to serve alcohol before lunch.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17- GERMAN ACCENT:- Half a litre of cider.- Straight away, please.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Another couple were stopped while cycling through Scotland
0:28:19 > 0:28:22on the wrong side of the road, and when they looked in their bags,
0:28:22 > 0:28:26they were found to contain German sausages and Nivea hand cream.
0:28:26 > 0:28:28- And I... - What a combination that is!- I know!
0:28:30 > 0:28:31Oh!
0:28:32 > 0:28:36- Whoa! - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:36 > 0:28:40- GERMAN ACCENT:- It's nine o'clock in the morning, Rolf!
0:28:40 > 0:28:41I've had a cider, Hans.
0:28:44 > 0:28:47I thought it was because no British soldier would have hand cream,
0:28:47 > 0:28:49but it turns out Nivea is German, I didn't know that.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51- Is it?- It's German.- Oh.
0:28:51 > 0:28:54One of them spoke no English at all, but the one who spoke English
0:28:54 > 0:28:56the best said his mission was to find out,
0:28:56 > 0:28:58"How the people is living,
0:28:58 > 0:29:00"how many soldiers there are and all the things."
0:29:03 > 0:29:07It really is, "'Allo 'Allo!" was a documentary, basically, wasn't it?
0:29:07 > 0:29:09There are some people who think they were deliberately
0:29:09 > 0:29:11sent by senior German officers to sabotage the plot
0:29:11 > 0:29:13because they didn't want to invade Britain, but...
0:29:13 > 0:29:15That's the Germans for you.
0:29:16 > 0:29:17At the time.
0:29:19 > 0:29:21A lot of them have mended their ways since.
0:29:21 > 0:29:23Ooh!
0:29:23 > 0:29:25- No, a lot of them have. - It's a wonderful country.
0:29:25 > 0:29:27For our friends in Berlin, Richard's address is...
0:29:28 > 0:29:31He's just bitter because they have really, really high fences.
0:29:34 > 0:29:36But I tell you, that Berlin wall! Oh.
0:29:39 > 0:29:41Now, what is this man about to post?
0:29:42 > 0:29:44A letter.
0:29:44 > 0:29:46SIREN BLARES
0:29:47 > 0:29:49- Took a bullet there, everyone. - Yeah.
0:29:49 > 0:29:52Is he about to post a Movember selfie on Facebook?
0:29:54 > 0:29:58No, it is a most extraordinary thing, he's about to post himself.
0:29:58 > 0:30:00- Is he?- Yeah. His name is Willie Reginald Bray.
0:30:00 > 0:30:02He was also known as The Human Letter.
0:30:02 > 0:30:05He was an eccentric gentleman who spent his entire life pushing
0:30:05 > 0:30:08the British Post Office to their absolute limits.
0:30:08 > 0:30:11And he started by sending unwrapped stamped objects to himself
0:30:11 > 0:30:12to see how that would go.
0:30:12 > 0:30:15So he sent a shirt collar and a half-smoked cigar.
0:30:15 > 0:30:18That's him actually posting onions on the right there.
0:30:18 > 0:30:21He sent a turnip with the address carved into it,
0:30:21 > 0:30:24a rabbit skull with the address written along the nose bone,
0:30:24 > 0:30:26with the stamps glued onto the back,
0:30:26 > 0:30:29and almost all of it got through without any trouble at all.
0:30:29 > 0:30:30So he began to experiment.
0:30:30 > 0:30:34He wrote to "any resident of London", there it is.
0:30:34 > 0:30:35Any resident of London.
0:30:35 > 0:30:38Sadly, that was rejected, "insufficiently addressed".
0:30:38 > 0:30:42But he did get his mother to crochet the address and that was accepted.
0:30:42 > 0:30:44And he also wrote the address in mirror writing
0:30:44 > 0:30:47and that was also accepted.
0:30:47 > 0:30:49And then he discovered, in the Post Office guidelines,
0:30:49 > 0:30:51that you could send a live animal as small as a bee,
0:30:51 > 0:30:53if you wanted to, through the post.
0:30:53 > 0:30:56So he couldn't get a bee, he settled on his dog.
0:30:56 > 0:30:58And then finally he sent himself through the post.
0:30:58 > 0:31:01He shipped himself to his father,
0:31:01 > 0:31:04and there's his rather irritated father receiving him.
0:31:08 > 0:31:11Then he decided to build the world's largest collection of autographs.
0:31:11 > 0:31:15He wrote to the Reichstag in Germany so many times.
0:31:15 > 0:31:17There's a letter back from Adolf Hitler's office,
0:31:17 > 0:31:21"Please can you stop sending letters? The Fuhrer's quite busy."
0:31:22 > 0:31:25- What if that finally pushed Hitler over the edge?- Yeah.
0:31:25 > 0:31:27As I say, a lot of them these days, very different,
0:31:27 > 0:31:29- a very different country.- Yeah.
0:31:32 > 0:31:35Just keep digging that hole there, Richard, it's ...
0:31:35 > 0:31:36It's not a hole, it's a trench.
0:31:36 > 0:31:38AUDIENCE GROANS
0:31:40 > 0:31:43I'm just saying keep an eye on them, that's all I'm saying.
0:31:43 > 0:31:44Right, moving on.
0:31:45 > 0:31:47Now it's time for Alan's occupational hazard,
0:31:47 > 0:31:49the round that we all call General Ignorance.
0:31:49 > 0:31:51Fingers on buzzers, please.
0:31:51 > 0:31:54Who do you go and see to get your eyes tested?
0:31:54 > 0:31:55WATER GURGLES David?
0:31:55 > 0:31:58- Optician.- Oh! SIREN BLARES
0:32:00 > 0:32:03- No. Why not? BUZZER:- Alan Davies.
0:32:03 > 0:32:05LAUGHTER
0:32:08 > 0:32:10Optometrist.
0:32:10 > 0:32:14Yes. So the optician dispenses the glasses
0:32:14 > 0:32:17and the optometrist is the person who actually tests your eyes.
0:32:17 > 0:32:20You can be trained as both, so you might have an optician
0:32:20 > 0:32:22who is also an optometrist, that is possible.
0:32:22 > 0:32:24An optician who is also an optometrist,
0:32:24 > 0:32:26that's a TV show I'd like to watch.
0:32:26 > 0:32:29Crazy maverick optician who does optometry as a sideline.
0:32:31 > 0:32:35There is an optician where I live, and it's called Maverick and Wolf.
0:32:35 > 0:32:36Wow.
0:32:36 > 0:32:39An optician. I don't think that's their real names.
0:32:39 > 0:32:41- I think it is their real name. - Oh, do you think?- Yeah.
0:32:41 > 0:32:44Because it's an odd thing to invent, isn't it?
0:32:44 > 0:32:48Why would you want to buy glasses from people so oddly named?
0:32:48 > 0:32:51Branding, David, do you understand the concept of branding?
0:32:51 > 0:32:54Mitchell and Webb was a disastrous name.
0:32:56 > 0:32:58- Mitchell and Webb is a good name for an optometrists.- Yeah.
0:32:58 > 0:32:59That works much better.
0:32:59 > 0:33:02Actually, it does sound like an optician's.
0:33:02 > 0:33:04- Maybe one of each. - Oh, yes, I like that.
0:33:04 > 0:33:06And they can't get on.
0:33:06 > 0:33:11Why might poor eyesight make a good impression?
0:33:11 > 0:33:14Do you seem aloof and therefore people respect you?
0:33:15 > 0:33:19When you can't see them, you don't rear back at their hideousness.
0:33:22 > 0:33:25- Or try and jump them because of their beauty.- Yeah.
0:33:25 > 0:33:27So either way, your response is muted.
0:33:27 > 0:33:28- Muted.- It's not that.
0:33:28 > 0:33:30I have very bad eyesight, even with glasses,
0:33:30 > 0:33:31so I can see virtually nothing.
0:33:31 > 0:33:33But it does mean, you know in all the Hollywood movies
0:33:33 > 0:33:35when they used to sort of...? Yeah, I see that.
0:33:37 > 0:33:39Can I say, thank you very much.
0:33:40 > 0:33:42So, everyone looks like they're shot through a filter.
0:33:42 > 0:33:45OK, so it is about that, it's to do with impressions.
0:33:45 > 0:33:47- Oh.- Oh, oh, is it because Monet and Manet had bad eyesight
0:33:47 > 0:33:49and that's why they painted in the way they did?
0:33:49 > 0:33:51Absolutely, many of the impressionists
0:33:51 > 0:33:53suffered from very poor eyesight.
0:33:53 > 0:33:54That explains a lot.
0:33:54 > 0:33:57Yeah, I'm very short-sighted. Without glasses or contact lenses,
0:33:57 > 0:33:59- things look a bit like an impressionist painting.- Right.
0:33:59 > 0:34:01I was in a hotel in New York recently,
0:34:01 > 0:34:03and I was walking down a long corridor.
0:34:03 > 0:34:05At the end of the corridor I saw this painting which I thought,
0:34:05 > 0:34:06"That is beautiful."
0:34:06 > 0:34:09It was abstract, it was red and white and all kinds of stuff.
0:34:09 > 0:34:11And I thought, "When I get to the end of the corridor,
0:34:11 > 0:34:12"I'm going to see what that is."
0:34:12 > 0:34:14And it was a fire hose.
0:34:14 > 0:34:16LAUGHTER
0:34:16 > 0:34:18It was beautiful.
0:34:21 > 0:34:23APPLAUSE
0:34:23 > 0:34:25That would be a thoroughly irresponsible painting
0:34:25 > 0:34:28- to hang in a hotel corridor. - It would be.
0:34:28 > 0:34:30Well, Monet's unusual colours may be down to his cataracts.
0:34:30 > 0:34:32And he's not the only one.
0:34:32 > 0:34:35Degas probably had maculopathy, so it's a retinal disease,
0:34:35 > 0:34:36it affects your central vision.
0:34:36 > 0:34:40And that explains the increasing blurriness in his paintings.
0:34:40 > 0:34:43And it is thought that Van Gogh suffered from lead poisoning,
0:34:43 > 0:34:45and that can make your retinas swell, and you start to see
0:34:45 > 0:34:48light in circles, so very like the Starry Night.
0:34:48 > 0:34:50And Van Gogh also treated, of course,
0:34:50 > 0:34:51with digitalis for his epilepsy,
0:34:51 > 0:34:54and that drug can cause you to see in yellow or yellow-green,
0:34:54 > 0:34:56and that could explain his increasing use
0:34:56 > 0:34:58of yellow in later works.
0:34:58 > 0:35:00Anyway, if you let an optician test your eyes
0:35:00 > 0:35:02then you need your head examined.
0:35:02 > 0:35:07If your surname is Farmer, what did your ancestors do for a living?
0:35:09 > 0:35:11Pharmacists.
0:35:11 > 0:35:14- Good, very good! Excellent. - Pharmacists is very good. Very good.
0:35:14 > 0:35:16Pharmacists, no. What did they do for a living?
0:35:16 > 0:35:18I like that they call the drugs industry big pharma, don't they?
0:35:18 > 0:35:19Which always makes me laugh,
0:35:19 > 0:35:22because I always think of a big farmer.
0:35:22 > 0:35:23- It's not that.- No.
0:35:23 > 0:35:26In the Middle Ages, a fermier was a tax collector.
0:35:26 > 0:35:30So early fermiers collected taxes for the Crown,
0:35:30 > 0:35:34and they would pick applicants to work on tenanted lands in time.
0:35:34 > 0:35:36They made money out of this, they began to buy land,
0:35:36 > 0:35:38they began to grow crops on it,
0:35:38 > 0:35:41and eventually they became what we know as farmers.
0:35:41 > 0:35:43The very first-ever farmer, in our sense of the word,
0:35:43 > 0:35:47was a man called William Le Fermer, recorded in 1238.
0:35:47 > 0:35:50So farmers are actually tax collectors.
0:35:50 > 0:35:53Well, let's have a look at some other occupational surnames.
0:35:53 > 0:35:55Anybody know any of these? Osman.
0:35:55 > 0:35:57- Oh, that's a good one.- Yes?
0:35:57 > 0:35:58If you go back a couple of generations,
0:35:58 > 0:36:01we were all charcoal burners in the New Forest.
0:36:01 > 0:36:02OK, but it's anybody who worked with bones,
0:36:02 > 0:36:04so it could be a rag and bone man.
0:36:04 > 0:36:05Oh, that's fun.
0:36:05 > 0:36:07Yeah, so it was an Osman.
0:36:07 > 0:36:08Knatchbull?
0:36:08 > 0:36:10It's somebody who hits bulls on the head to stun them
0:36:10 > 0:36:12- before they get slaughtered. - With a spoon.
0:36:12 > 0:36:13And they do it with a huge spoon, yeah.
0:36:13 > 0:36:15Yeah, a massive spoon.
0:36:19 > 0:36:20What about a Warner?
0:36:20 > 0:36:23Is that a sort of health and safety inspector?
0:36:26 > 0:36:29Is it someone who makes yellow cards?
0:36:29 > 0:36:32- No.- That's a football joke. - A football joke, OK.
0:36:33 > 0:36:35Hang on two seconds - ha-ha-ha!
0:36:35 > 0:36:37LAUGHTER
0:36:37 > 0:36:39APPLAUSE
0:36:41 > 0:36:45It's somebody who looks after royal rabbit warrens.
0:36:45 > 0:36:47What about a Dickman, what do you reckon?
0:36:47 > 0:36:50It's somebody who digs ditches, a Dickman.
0:36:50 > 0:36:52And a Kellogg?
0:36:52 > 0:36:54CEREAL killer?
0:36:54 > 0:36:57Yes, yes.
0:36:57 > 0:36:59It is, it's a killer of hogs, it's a butcher.
0:36:59 > 0:37:02Is an Arkwright someone who makes an enormous boat?
0:37:02 > 0:37:06An Arkwright is a person who makes arks, so chests.
0:37:06 > 0:37:08So Noah's Ark, it was just an inverted chest.
0:37:08 > 0:37:10Massive chest, yeah.
0:37:10 > 0:37:14If your surname is Farmer, your ancestors were tax collectors.
0:37:14 > 0:37:17Name the greatest Wimbledon champion of all time.
0:37:19 > 0:37:20Andy Murray.
0:37:20 > 0:37:21SIREN BLARES
0:37:23 > 0:37:24WHISTLE TOOTS
0:37:24 > 0:37:26I think I would have said Sampras. Sorry.
0:37:26 > 0:37:28Sampras? SIREN BLARES
0:37:28 > 0:37:30Great Uncle Bulgaria.
0:37:32 > 0:37:34- Is it...? - WATER GURGLES
0:37:34 > 0:37:36Is it a croquet player?
0:37:36 > 0:37:38Yes! It is a croquet player.
0:37:38 > 0:37:40Absolutely right.
0:37:40 > 0:37:42APPLAUSE
0:37:44 > 0:37:47Professor Bernard Neal is the greatest Wimbledon champion
0:37:47 > 0:37:50of all time, he won the croquet championships 38 times.
0:37:50 > 0:37:53So if you think about it, Navratilova won Wimbledon singles
0:37:53 > 0:37:56nine times, he won 38 times.
0:37:56 > 0:37:58He only took the sport up at the age of 40.
0:37:58 > 0:38:04Between 1963 and 2002, he won 37 titles out of a possible 40.
0:38:04 > 0:38:05Smacks of a drug cheat, that.
0:38:07 > 0:38:10What do you have to press on the red button to get
0:38:10 > 0:38:11coverage of the croquet?
0:38:12 > 0:38:13I've got a bit of croquet here.
0:38:13 > 0:38:16- So...- Oh!
0:38:16 > 0:38:18Alan, what colour do you want to be?
0:38:18 > 0:38:20Do you want to be red or blue or...?
0:38:20 > 0:38:22- Black.- Black, here we go.
0:38:22 > 0:38:23Can I be the iron?
0:38:25 > 0:38:28Which way are you going to go? Are you going to go right...?
0:38:29 > 0:38:32LAUGHTER
0:38:36 > 0:38:38I don't know why that's pleased me so much.
0:38:40 > 0:38:42It went miles, it went miles, viewer!
0:38:42 > 0:38:44That'll be under someone's feet.
0:38:44 > 0:38:46Croquet, it was an Olympic sport.
0:38:46 > 0:38:47And it should be still.
0:38:47 > 0:38:49It was dropped after 1900
0:38:49 > 0:38:51because only one person turned up to watch, so...
0:38:52 > 0:38:56But the reason it's interesting is because the very first women to
0:38:56 > 0:38:59take part in the Olympics took part as part of the French croquet team.
0:38:59 > 0:39:01So there were seven men and three women.
0:39:01 > 0:39:02And it was thought to be rather racy
0:39:02 > 0:39:05because it was a game where men and women played on equal footing.
0:39:05 > 0:39:08There's a wonderful quote from the American Christian Review,
0:39:08 > 0:39:13in 1878, said, "Croquet would lead to moral decline in American women,
0:39:13 > 0:39:17"and consequences would include absence from church,
0:39:17 > 0:39:20"immoral conduct and eventually ruin."
0:39:23 > 0:39:26- True, though.- That's a very pessimistic view, isn't it, really?
0:39:26 > 0:39:29I love that. Anybody know the connection between
0:39:29 > 0:39:32croquet and Pall Mall, the great street in London?
0:39:32 > 0:39:34They played croquet upon it?
0:39:34 > 0:39:37Yes, they did. It is in fact where croquet comes from.
0:39:37 > 0:39:40An Italian game, 17th century game called Palle-Malle.
0:39:40 > 0:39:42And both Pall Mall and the Mall were designed
0:39:42 > 0:39:44specifically to play this game.
0:39:44 > 0:39:46They whacked the ball up the course
0:39:46 > 0:39:48and then they had to shoot a ball through a suspended
0:39:48 > 0:39:50hoop at the end, and that's where we begin to get croquet from.
0:39:50 > 0:39:53- That's much more like Quidditch. - It is, yes.
0:39:53 > 0:39:57There are people who play actual Quidditch near where I live.
0:39:57 > 0:40:00They run around with broomsticks between their legs.
0:40:00 > 0:40:02None of them can fly.
0:40:03 > 0:40:06That is what leads inevitably to ruin.
0:40:06 > 0:40:08- To ruin.- Yes.
0:40:08 > 0:40:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:40:14 > 0:40:17So, the name comes from the Italian pallamaglio.
0:40:17 > 0:40:19Palla - ball and maglio - mallet.
0:40:19 > 0:40:21And it's where we get mall from, shopping mall,
0:40:21 > 0:40:24we get it from the Mall and all those wonderful games.
0:40:24 > 0:40:26Can I have my things back, please?
0:40:26 > 0:40:29I've lost the black, I'm sorry, it's gone.
0:40:29 > 0:40:33Now, which oath do doctors swear before entering practice?
0:40:33 > 0:40:35- Hippocratic?- Yay!
0:40:35 > 0:40:38SIREN BLARES
0:40:38 > 0:40:39They don't. It turns out they don't.
0:40:39 > 0:40:41- They don't. - Yeah, I knew that they didn't.
0:40:41 > 0:40:42You knew that?
0:40:42 > 0:40:44- A doctor friend of mine said, "Oh, no, we don't."- No.
0:40:44 > 0:40:46I was very disappointed.
0:40:46 > 0:40:47Yeah, "We do what we like."
0:40:48 > 0:40:50Fingers crossed all the way.
0:40:50 > 0:40:52"We do what we fancy, we know all the stuff
0:40:52 > 0:40:53"and then we do what we like."
0:40:55 > 0:40:56They do take sometimes an oath called
0:40:56 > 0:40:59the General Medical Council's Guidance on Good Practice,
0:40:59 > 0:41:02but the Hippocratic Oath that we talk about, they don't.
0:41:02 > 0:41:04Although it's got some great stuff in it, the Hippocratic Oath.
0:41:04 > 0:41:07Don't have sex with patients, that kind of thing, you know.
0:41:07 > 0:41:08I think that's quite good.
0:41:08 > 0:41:10Don't remove the kidney or bladder stones,
0:41:10 > 0:41:12that's part of the Hippocratic Oath.
0:41:12 > 0:41:15- I didn't know the Hippocratic Oath was this specific.- Yeah!
0:41:15 > 0:41:18I thought it was like general, airy-fairy, try and do good.
0:41:18 > 0:41:21- No, no, no, no. - "Airy-fairy, try and do good?"
0:41:21 > 0:41:24Yeah. If a patient is ill, try and make him better, or her better.
0:41:24 > 0:41:27The bit you are thinking of is "first do no harm".
0:41:27 > 0:41:30It actually comes from another part of Hippocrates' work.
0:41:30 > 0:41:32But in fact we don't even think he wrote the oath.
0:41:32 > 0:41:35It appears about a century after he popped his own clogs,
0:41:35 > 0:41:37so it's probably one of his students.
0:41:37 > 0:41:39But the doctors in America do take a more modern oath.
0:41:39 > 0:41:41Does anybody know what it's called?
0:41:41 > 0:41:44It's named after a pasta dish.
0:41:44 > 0:41:46Carbonara.
0:41:47 > 0:41:51- Ravioli. - The oath of ravioli, I like that.
0:41:51 > 0:41:53- The oath of Bolognese. - The oath of Bolognese.
0:41:53 > 0:41:56- Lasagna?- Yes, it's the Oath of Lasagna, you're absolutely right,
0:41:56 > 0:42:00written by a doctor in 1964 called Louis Lasagna.
0:42:02 > 0:42:05And at the end of all that, it is time for the scores.
0:42:05 > 0:42:12In first place, our employee of the week, with minus two, is David.
0:42:12 > 0:42:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:17 > 0:42:20Performing adequately with minus five, it's Richard.
0:42:20 > 0:42:23- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Thank you.
0:42:23 > 0:42:26On a final warning with minus seven, Deirdre.
0:42:26 > 0:42:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:29 > 0:42:33And clearing their desk with minus 49 points...
0:42:33 > 0:42:35..Alan!
0:42:35 > 0:42:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:43 > 0:42:46And of course we have a prize for our winner.
0:42:46 > 0:42:49This week's objectionable object is
0:42:49 > 0:42:53this lovely Queen Victoria milk jug.
0:42:53 > 0:42:56That's for you, David, because you can't have a show without prizes.
0:42:56 > 0:42:58Lovely.
0:42:58 > 0:43:00It only remains for me to thank Deirdre, Richard, David and Alan.
0:43:00 > 0:43:03Now it's time to clock out, and to encourage you all to leave,
0:43:03 > 0:43:06we've left a massive cheese in the car park. Goodnight.