0:00:23 > 0:00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:32 > 0:00:36Good evening and welcome to QI.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Tonight we are heading overseas,
0:00:38 > 0:00:41and helping me to oversee proceedings
0:00:41 > 0:00:43are the Maharaja of Mirth, Bill Bailey...
0:00:43 > 0:00:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:48 > 0:00:51..the Sultana of Swing, Desiree Burch...
0:00:51 > 0:00:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:55 > 0:00:59..the Grand Vizier of Gags, Colin Lane...
0:00:59 > 0:01:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:03 > 0:01:06..and on his "gap yah", Alan Davies.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Right, let's OVERSEA their buzzers. Bill goes...
0:01:15 > 0:01:22# Over the hills and far away... #
0:01:22 > 0:01:25That's lovely. Desiree goes...
0:01:25 > 0:01:30# It's a long way to Tipperary... #
0:01:30 > 0:01:31Colin goes...
0:01:31 > 0:01:34# I come from a land down under... #
0:01:36 > 0:01:37Alan goes...
0:01:37 > 0:01:40# Show me the way to go home
0:01:40 > 0:01:44# I'm tired and I wanna go to bed... #
0:01:46 > 0:01:48That's like the ultimate drunk song, isn't it, that?
0:01:48 > 0:01:54- Yeah.- Now, which Australian icon is regularly smeared in olive oil?
0:01:54 > 0:01:57- # Go home... # - Oh, Alan was in.
0:01:57 > 0:01:58Colin Lane.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01KLAXON BLARES
0:02:05 > 0:02:07And it's not a good look.
0:02:07 > 0:02:11So, I need an Australian icon regularly smeared in olive oil.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Well, would it be an animal of some kind?
0:02:14 > 0:02:15A beast, a thing?
0:02:15 > 0:02:17- No, it's not an animal. - Sydney Harbour Bridge is...
0:02:17 > 0:02:19- OK, you're getting close.- Ooh.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22- Opera House?- Yes, the Opera House is absolutely the right answer.
0:02:22 > 0:02:23- Why did you say that? - It's 200 metres
0:02:23 > 0:02:25- from the Sydney Harbour Bridge. - Yeah, exactly.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27And you said that was close when he said...
0:02:27 > 0:02:31So there was a Greek migrant who arrived in Sydney in 1964,
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Steve Tsoukalas, and he loved the building immediately.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37It was being built, he immediately decided he wanted to work there.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40He is still working there, he's the longest-serving employee,
0:02:40 > 0:02:42and he was inspired by his own Greek heritage.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45So he said, "Olive oil for the Greeks means a lot of things.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48"The Greeks used olive oil in the Olympic Games to rub on the body.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51"Olive oil protects from the sun."
0:02:51 > 0:02:54And he decided that the building needed to be rubbed in olive oil.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57The fact is, it doesn't protect it from the sun at all,
0:02:57 > 0:02:59but it stops the railings and the door frames
0:02:59 > 0:03:01- and the windows from getting rusty.- Ah.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03He's still working there more than 50 years later.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06And does it not deter people from clambering on it,
0:03:06 > 0:03:09- I imagine, as well?- Because you'd slide off because of the olive oil.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12I love the design of it, I think the design of it is extraordinary.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Apparently the Danish architect Jorn Utzon...
0:03:15 > 0:03:16SHE CHUCKLES
0:03:16 > 0:03:19He got the idea when he was peeling an orange.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21It's the segments of an orange, and then the 14 shells,
0:03:21 > 0:03:24if you put them together, would make a perfect sphere.
0:03:24 > 0:03:25What I love about the story is his design
0:03:25 > 0:03:27was recovered from a reject pile.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30It was a competition and he got £5,000 for winning the competition.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32He got £5,000 and a lot of grief, unfortunately.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Yes, it didn't go well, did it?
0:03:34 > 0:03:36No, they ran out of money and then they didn't want to do
0:03:36 > 0:03:38his inside design,
0:03:38 > 0:03:42so he was very unhappy and it's not a very funny story.
0:03:42 > 0:03:43No.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46But, anyway, thanks to Australia for treating a Dane so well.
0:03:46 > 0:03:47So, anyway...
0:03:47 > 0:03:48I'm kidding.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51There are lots of different ways of cleaning buildings. So, York Minster
0:03:51 > 0:03:54found that covering the building in a paint made from olive oil
0:03:54 > 0:03:56can also help to protect it from rain damage.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59So one of the components of olive oil is an acid
0:03:59 > 0:04:00that reacts with limestone surfaces,
0:04:00 > 0:04:03and it creates a barrier and stops water getting into the stone itself.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05So, actually, it is a wonderful thing, olive oil.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07It's a panacea, for buildings.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10I remember, we had this neighbour once, who hated squirrels,
0:04:10 > 0:04:14and he painted all the trees with anti-climb paint.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18And... Which was...
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Obviously I don't know whether that's cruel or what,
0:04:21 > 0:04:25- I don't know, but it was hilarious to watch.- Quite funny, yeah.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28The cat would chase the squirrel, and the squirrel would go,
0:04:28 > 0:04:29"Hey, I'm out of here!"
0:04:32 > 0:04:35If he caught them, he'd drown them in a barrel.
0:04:35 > 0:04:36That's right.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41Yeah, yeah, that's the sort of darker element of his...
0:04:41 > 0:04:42Of his squirrel hatred.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45- You were living next door to a psycho.- Yeah. Yeah, pretty much.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47- And that's OK? You're allowed to do that?- You're allowed to do that.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50- In fact, you're encouraged to do it.- Don't tell people that.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53You're not allowed to do that. Please do not do this at home.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55We had a fox in the garden and it was injured
0:04:55 > 0:04:57and it was not going to make it.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59And, er, the kindest thing to do was to, you know...
0:04:59 > 0:05:01- Put it out on the A40.- Yeah, yeah.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Yeah, actually, that's...
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Tie it to some railway tracks.
0:05:07 > 0:05:08No, what we did was...
0:05:09 > 0:05:11I had to, you know, finish it off and...
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Not in that way, obviously!
0:05:13 > 0:05:15I mean, it's going to die, give it a little joy.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Well, I thought I'd better do it...
0:05:17 > 0:05:19When you do that, is that a guitar, a mic stand, what is that?
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Yeah, with a Flying V guitar. With a shovel.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24And I thought, "I hope nobody's watching this,"
0:05:24 > 0:05:25because that's not a good look, is it?
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Animal lover Bill Bailey, by day.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29By night...
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Mwa-ha-ha!
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Aren't you supposed to put them at the back...
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Put the exhaust on if an animal's injured, put the exhaust on
0:05:36 > 0:05:38and kill it with the fumes
0:05:38 > 0:05:40- from the back of a car?- Really? - Is that not a thing?
0:05:40 > 0:05:44Drown it in a barrel suddenly sounds so far the most humane.
0:05:44 > 0:05:48Fake the animal suicide - is that what we're doing?
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Write a little fox note with a paw print at the end.
0:05:50 > 0:05:51"I couldn't go on."
0:05:51 > 0:05:54- Hooked up to the exhaust, yeah, that's it.- "Not enough rubbish."
0:05:54 > 0:05:57No, what you do, you hang it from a beam...
0:05:57 > 0:05:59..you turn a chair over
0:05:59 > 0:06:02and you put a puddle there as if there had once been a block of ice.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05- Ooh!- And an electric fire.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08- Oh, you just ring up Bill. - Just for me, I'll come round.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10- I've got a taste for it now. - Bill with a shovel.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12There are other things you can do with...
0:06:12 > 0:06:13I don't think I'll be able to say this -
0:06:13 > 0:06:16there are other things you can do with olive oil!
0:06:16 > 0:06:19- Cover opera houses.- Yes.- Well, in Turkey, oil wrestling
0:06:19 > 0:06:21is the national sport.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24They have an annual world series, it's called the Kirkpinar.
0:06:24 > 0:06:2740 Springs. It's the oldest continuing sporting event
0:06:27 > 0:06:29in the world.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32There are 13 weight categories, from Best Beginner,
0:06:32 > 0:06:35all the way up to Chief Wrestler, and taking in Big Medium,
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Small Medium Big and Small And Sweet.
0:06:38 > 0:06:39Which I like.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42You are allowed to put your hand down your opponent's trousers.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45- Hmm, there you go.- But it is explicitly against the rules
0:06:45 > 0:06:48to grab your opponent's testicles
0:06:48 > 0:06:50or invade his rectum.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54That was going to be the one, right there.
0:06:54 > 0:06:58- Just, ooh!- You can, if you want, you can put a squirrel down there.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00- And that's...- Yes.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04Yeah, that squirrel will be committing suicide thereafter.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07This looks like an instructional video of a pickpocket.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09It's like, do's and don'ts.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Do aim for the pocket.
0:07:12 > 0:07:13Yeah.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16The one on the right really looks compliant.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22He's saying, "You can invade it if you like.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27"I won't say a word!"
0:07:27 > 0:07:31"It's not an invasion if I invite you in there."
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Right, moving on, um...
0:07:34 > 0:07:38What did the Romans think the Britons had ever done for them?
0:07:38 > 0:07:41I'm going to give you a clue, it begins with O.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Orienteering. They just went in straight lines,
0:07:44 > 0:07:47whereas we could go from point to point over all terrain.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50- Via a youth hostel.- Yes.- Yes.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52- They've got nothing to eat.- Octopus.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Orally.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57THEY ALL MUMBLE SLOWLY
0:07:57 > 0:07:58Ovaltine!
0:07:58 > 0:08:01- Oysters.- Oysters.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04When they came to Britain, they fell in love with our oysters.
0:08:04 > 0:08:08The first century BC Roman historian, Sallust, he said,
0:08:08 > 0:08:11"Poor Britons, there is some good in them after all.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13"They have produced an oyster."
0:08:13 > 0:08:14So, do you like oysters? I love oysters.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17- Yes.- Yeah, they're fantastic. - I think they are just delicious.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20- I'll tell you what is nice.- Yeah. - Fish paste.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Innit, though? Fish paste on toast.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26- Oh, it is, yeah. - Can you still get that?- Yeah.
0:08:26 > 0:08:27Yeah, you can get that.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30And Salisbury Cathedral is covered in it.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35It stops the pigeons from landing.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39I just made that up, I don't know. It could be true, I don't know.
0:08:39 > 0:08:40It sounds plausible.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43They used to transport the oysters from here all the way
0:08:43 > 0:08:47over the Alps in carts filled with snow and ice.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49The wealthier Romans used to have salt water tanks in their gardens,
0:08:49 > 0:08:52so they could keep them fresh for parties and that sort of thing.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55- Wait, they went over the Alps... - Yes.- ..rather than in a boat,
0:08:55 > 0:08:58since they'd already gotten something from the sea?
0:08:58 > 0:09:01I think actually some did go by sea from the Kent coast from Reculver
0:09:01 > 0:09:05and places like that, but certainly a lot went up and over the Alps.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07You can find oyster shells from that part of the Kent coast
0:09:07 > 0:09:10in Rome at some of the archaeological sites.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12- That is pretty weird. - That is quite strange.
0:09:12 > 0:09:13But oysters aside, I have to say,
0:09:13 > 0:09:16the Romans viewed the British as uncultured and backwards.
0:09:16 > 0:09:20They mocked their abundance of tattoos and lack of clothing.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25- Nothing's changed. - Nothing's changed.- No!
0:09:25 > 0:09:28The second-century historian Herodian, he reported the reason
0:09:28 > 0:09:31they didn't wear clothes was to show off their tattoos.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Oysters have been very popular in this country for a long time.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35There's a horrible story of William Thackeray.
0:09:35 > 0:09:39He tried one the size of a dinner plate when he was in New York,
0:09:39 > 0:09:41in 1852, and he described it,
0:09:41 > 0:09:44"Like swallowing a live baby."
0:09:46 > 0:09:48In the 19th century, London was plagued by a man called Dando,
0:09:48 > 0:09:50the celebrated oyster glutton.
0:09:50 > 0:09:54This man was constantly sent to prison for overeating oysters
0:09:54 > 0:09:59and not paying the bill. And he became a sort of folk hero.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01And every time he left prison,
0:10:01 > 0:10:04he went back out and immediately started eating oysters again,
0:10:04 > 0:10:06not paying for them, and then back in again.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09There's a wonderful story about him leaving Brixton prison,
0:10:09 > 0:10:13still in the prison garb, he eats 13 dozen oysters,
0:10:13 > 0:10:16and washes it down with five bottles of ginger beer,
0:10:16 > 0:10:20because he was, "Troubled with wind in the stomach."
0:10:20 > 0:10:23You'd think he'd eat a quieter food if he'd been thrown in jail.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25It's all that slurping. Eat marshmallows.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27- Yes, something.- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30He once ate 240 oysters in one sitting.
0:10:30 > 0:10:31GASPS I know, that is really...
0:10:31 > 0:10:33- Audible gasps!- Yes.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35- Is it an aphrodisiac? - It IS an aphrodisiac.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Casanova had 60 oysters for breakfast every day -
0:10:38 > 0:10:40that was his thing - and they've done studies on this,
0:10:40 > 0:10:44and it's rich in rare amino acids which can trigger increased levels
0:10:44 > 0:10:46of sex hormones, so yes, it is an aphrodisiac.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Your breath would be pretty bad, wouldn't it?
0:10:48 > 0:10:50I mean, you wouldn't want to have sex with that person
0:10:50 > 0:10:51if they'd eaten 240 oysters.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54And also there'd be a lot of shells kicking around.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57- A lot of shells.- It'd hurt.- Be a bit like lying on a bit of Lego,
0:10:57 > 0:10:58wouldn't it?
0:10:58 > 0:11:01I once lacerated my hand quite badly trying to open an oyster shell,
0:11:01 > 0:11:04and I was trying to decide if that was the most middle-class injury
0:11:04 > 0:11:06you could possibly have.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08And then I got my finger stuck in the ladies' lavatory
0:11:08 > 0:11:11at the Dorchester, and I thought, "No, that's quite bad as well."
0:11:12 > 0:11:14No, the most middle-class injury would be
0:11:14 > 0:11:15passing the port the wrong way,
0:11:15 > 0:11:17and then realising it halfway through,
0:11:17 > 0:11:19- and getting a crick in your neck. - That's it!
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Oh, God... Oh, GOD!
0:11:24 > 0:11:27So, anyway. On the screen we have some anagrams of country names.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29I want you to see how many you can work out.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31And you've got just a few seconds.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Write them down, please.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36- What are we working out, sorry?- What countries these are anagrams of.
0:11:36 > 0:11:37Oh, I see.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Well, I've got the first two.
0:11:39 > 0:11:40After that I'm in trouble.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44OK. Who got all four?
0:11:45 > 0:11:47- # Down under... # - Oh, Colin!
0:11:47 > 0:11:49KLAXON BLARES
0:11:49 > 0:11:53- "I did." I did is wrong? - Yes, it is wrong.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55It's not possible to get all four - how many did you get?
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Only the two.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59- Just two?- Yeah.- Colin, what did you think they were, darling?
0:11:59 > 0:12:01- Well, Wales.- Yes.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03- France.- Yes.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05- Angola.- Ah, there you go.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07And Kazakhstan.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Yeah, it would be Kazakhstan, except there is an extra E.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13So the fourth one is not possible.
0:12:13 > 0:12:14Here's the thing.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18- That's very good, I think. - Well, thank you very much, Alan.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20I mean, obviously there's no E in Kazakhstan,
0:12:20 > 0:12:23- but to get anywhere near is very impressive.- Thank you very much.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26I mean, I didn't even get Angola, I was so distracted by my own name.
0:12:26 > 0:12:27Yeah!
0:12:29 > 0:12:31- Alan. Alan. Alan. - We're just celebrating the fact
0:12:31 > 0:12:33- that you saw your name in big letters.- Alan. Alan. Alan.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Colin, it's not a good thing that you thought you'd got all four,
0:12:36 > 0:12:39because what they now know is that you're more likely to act immorally
0:12:39 > 0:12:40if you spend time abroad.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44Yes, I just thought that I was right, but I wasn't.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46So I didn't actually purposely lie.
0:12:46 > 0:12:47No, no.
0:12:47 > 0:12:48So they did a study of this.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51They got people to solve anagrams, and what they've discovered is
0:12:51 > 0:12:53that people who spend time abroad
0:12:53 > 0:12:56are more likely to say that they've done something correctly.
0:12:56 > 0:12:5948% of people who spent a year in a foreign country cheated on the test,
0:12:59 > 0:13:01compared with 30% of the others.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04The idea is that your moral compass loses some of its precision.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06The further from your home country?
0:13:06 > 0:13:10Yeah. So a fifth of people admitted to stealing while they've been in a foreign country.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12So, what you're saying is that you go abroad,
0:13:12 > 0:13:15you live abroad for a bit, and you sort of, kind of, almost have
0:13:15 > 0:13:17a bit of licence to reinvent yourself a little bit,
0:13:17 > 0:13:20- and become a different person... - Be a bit naughty.
0:13:20 > 0:13:21..who would do things you'd not normally do?
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Yeah. So 20% of people admitted to urinating in public when abroad,
0:13:24 > 0:13:26but wouldn't dream of doing it.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28- Oh.- Although the first time I came over to Europe,
0:13:28 > 0:13:30everyone was pissing everywhere.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Out along the streets, it was like, this is the way of the Europeans.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36- Everyone...- Oh. Whereabouts in Britain were you at this point?
0:13:36 > 0:13:39So, lots of people do that. 5% of people who did the survey,
0:13:39 > 0:13:42drinking too much has led to a naked escapade in public,
0:13:42 > 0:13:44but only when abroad.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47I've never... Have you had a naked escapade abroad?
0:13:47 > 0:13:48I don't know why I'm looking at you, Bill.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52Um, no, well, no. Well, all right, well...
0:13:52 > 0:13:53- Yeah, I have.- Yeah.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57I got locked out of a room once.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01The thing I don't understand, Expedia, a travel company,
0:14:01 > 0:14:03they did a survey in 2002,
0:14:03 > 0:14:06and the British were voted the worst tourists in the world.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Yeah!
0:14:08 > 0:14:11- Champions!- Number one!
0:14:11 > 0:14:12In your face, Europe!
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Well, because Europe,
0:14:16 > 0:14:18your liquor laws make everything close at midnight,
0:14:18 > 0:14:21and then you go to these places where you can drink until 4am.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23You don't know how to pace or control yourselves.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26- No, that's true.- It's like, "Lads! Lads! Lads!" Everywhere.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28And people are like, really, it's OK, you can...
0:14:28 > 0:14:31There's more to drink tomorrow! Stop for now.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34The Danes have a completely different attitude
0:14:34 > 0:14:36to the whole thing.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38I was once taken to the Central Hospital in Copenhagen,
0:14:38 > 0:14:41the A&E department on a Saturday night,
0:14:41 > 0:14:42and it was completely empty.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44They self medicate, though, don't they?
0:14:44 > 0:14:46They stitch one another up with string.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Gurdy-gurdy-gurdy. AARGH!
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Bite on this!
0:14:50 > 0:14:51HE YELLS
0:14:53 > 0:14:56I said to the nurse, I said, "Where all the drunks?"
0:14:56 > 0:14:58And she said, "If people are drunk, they should go home."
0:15:00 > 0:15:03And your neighbours, you're very, very organised. Extraordinary.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05I did a festival in southern Sweden, in Lund,
0:15:05 > 0:15:06and it was Friday night,
0:15:06 > 0:15:08and you'd think, Friday night in any town in Britain,
0:15:08 > 0:15:12all the pubs are open, it's, you know, it's like Day Of The Dead.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17But I've been in many, many European capitals
0:15:17 > 0:15:19where the only people still up are the British tourists.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23You know? In a fountain going "whay"!
0:15:23 > 0:15:24But here is the strange thing.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26They did the same survey seven years later,
0:15:26 > 0:15:28and Britain had jumped to second-best tourists,
0:15:28 > 0:15:30so they'd gone from being worst to being second,
0:15:30 > 0:15:31and I can't work out why in seven years.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34- They're trying to get back to number one.- Yeah, do you think?
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Guess who's the best tourists in the world?
0:15:36 > 0:15:38No, darling, it's not the Australians.
0:15:38 > 0:15:39- Japanese? - Japanese, yeah, absolutely.
0:15:39 > 0:15:43The most polite, quietest, cleanest, least likely to complain.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46- Yeah.- And by the way, as far as alcohol is concerned, Australia,
0:15:46 > 0:15:48we never touch the stuff.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Never touch your shitty lager, that's for sure.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Well, we... We don't touch it either -
0:16:00 > 0:16:02that's why we sent it all over here.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06My favourite story about people getting drunk abroad
0:16:06 > 0:16:08happened in 2012, two Welsh holiday-makers.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11They drank a litre and a half of vodka, right?
0:16:11 > 0:16:14So this is like two wine bottles, basically, of vodka.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16- Bloody hell.- They were in Queensland, and they woke up to find
0:16:16 > 0:16:21they were sharing their apartment with a fairy penguin called Dirk
0:16:21 > 0:16:25they had obtained by breaking into SeaWorld the night before.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29They're the smallest species of penguin, about 13 inches high.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31They had apparently also swum with the dolphins
0:16:31 > 0:16:33and let off a fire extinguisher in the shark pool.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39They then tried to care for the penguin by giving it a shower.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43I feel like this is a plot to a Hollywood film.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Like, they've had the best vacation they'll never remember.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Yes, you're absolutely right.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51And then they tried to put it in a canal,
0:16:51 > 0:16:54because they didn't know what to do with it.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56- What a night!- Yeah, seriously!
0:16:56 > 0:16:59- Top night out.- Yeah.- Once you've put out a shark that's on fire...
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Can you imagine waking up drunk and there's a penguin right there?
0:17:07 > 0:17:10How did they find out it was called Dirk?
0:17:10 > 0:17:12- I think SeaWorld said, "Where the hell is Dirk?"- Oh, OK.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16- Dirk's always out with the Welsh lads.- Yeah.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Right, what am I doing here?
0:17:20 > 0:17:21Oh.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26OK, it's a cry for help.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Some of my... Some of my finest work, I think you'll find.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Overdoing it, overreacting?
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Yes, yes, there is that,
0:17:34 > 0:17:36but where might I... Where do you think...
0:17:36 > 0:17:39- Oh...- Somewhere in like the prairie, the plains?- Ohio?
0:17:39 > 0:17:42- Look, watch this, this is good. - Oh!
0:17:44 > 0:17:46So, keep going - it's beginning with O,
0:17:46 > 0:17:48- somewhere in the United States. - Austin?- Ohio?
0:17:48 > 0:17:49Austin doesn't begin with an O.
0:17:49 > 0:17:50Oh, right, yeah.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53- Oh...- Oklahoma!- There we go!
0:17:56 > 0:17:58So when Oklahoma was opened up to American settlers,
0:17:58 > 0:18:01you could claim your favourite plot of land by just standing on it,
0:18:01 > 0:18:04waving your hat in the air and shouting "hurrah"!
0:18:06 > 0:18:09In 1889, President Benjamin Harrison declared two million acres
0:18:09 > 0:18:12of Indian territories, so that's the future Oklahoma,
0:18:12 > 0:18:14to be available to white settlers,
0:18:14 > 0:18:16and they did it on one day, April 22nd.
0:18:16 > 0:18:2050,000 Americans set up tents along the border
0:18:20 > 0:18:21and then they galloped...
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Apart from the bloke from the Village People,
0:18:23 > 0:18:24who was on a Penny Farthing.
0:18:26 > 0:18:27He is quite camp, isn't he?
0:18:28 > 0:18:30There was a starting gun at midday,
0:18:30 > 0:18:32and they were called boomers, after the sound of the gun
0:18:32 > 0:18:34and there were special boomer trains as well,
0:18:34 > 0:18:36but they weren't allowed to go any faster
0:18:36 > 0:18:39than the maximum speed of the horse so that nobody could cheat.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41And then you just stood on the land, you waved your hat,
0:18:41 > 0:18:43and shouted "hurrah", and you got your piece of land.
0:18:43 > 0:18:44Well, how would you have a dispute
0:18:44 > 0:18:47if two people got to the same piece of land and one was like "whooo"!
0:18:47 > 0:18:49And the other one was like, "No, whooo!"
0:18:49 > 0:18:51I think in a traditional American way.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54You'd get shot. Yeah. Why, why did I ask?
0:18:54 > 0:18:57There was another way actually you could claim the land -
0:18:57 > 0:18:59- you could stand on it and fire a pistol.- Oh, there you go.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02There was an amazing woman called Nannita Daisy -
0:19:02 > 0:19:04she's a great legend in the United States
0:19:04 > 0:19:06for fighting gender discrimination,
0:19:06 > 0:19:08but she took part in four Oklahoma land runs,
0:19:08 > 0:19:10and she got her first bit of land by jumping off a train,
0:19:10 > 0:19:12firing a celebratory shot,
0:19:12 > 0:19:14and getting back on the same train,
0:19:14 > 0:19:16- and carrying on to the next piece of land.- Wow!
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Allegedly, she jumped off the cow catcher at the front,
0:19:18 > 0:19:20although we don't know if that's true or not.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22But she is considered a hero in Oklahoma.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24There's a statue to her in Edmond in Oklahoma.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26How did she jump off the train in those heels?
0:19:26 > 0:19:28- I don't buy it.- Yeah...
0:19:28 > 0:19:31You didn't choose to re-enact that? No?
0:19:31 > 0:19:33There's a limit to what I'll do for this show and that's it,
0:19:33 > 0:19:35right there.
0:19:36 > 0:19:37So as well as boomers, there were also sooners,
0:19:37 > 0:19:40and these were people who in the Oklahoma Territory
0:19:40 > 0:19:42before the legal date and time,
0:19:42 > 0:19:44and because of that, Oklahoma is known as The Sooner State.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48The name Oklahoma comes from the Choctaw phrase okla humma,
0:19:48 > 0:19:50which literally means red people.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52The thing I love about the Choctaw people,
0:19:52 > 0:19:55in 1847 there's a great famine in Ireland,
0:19:55 > 0:19:58and they were so moved to hear about people starving in Ireland
0:19:58 > 0:20:01that they gathered together 170...
0:20:01 > 0:20:02So, these are a poor people,
0:20:02 > 0:20:05gathering together what was a huge sum of money at that time.
0:20:05 > 0:20:09People did suffer terribly in their removal from the Indian territory.
0:20:09 > 0:20:10..and sent it to the Irish.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13- Do you not think that is wonderfully affecting?- That's incredible.- Yeah.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Now, we all know who was overpaid, oversexed and over here.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20But who was overpaid, undersexed and over there?
0:20:20 > 0:20:23- Well, these are GIs we're talking about.- OK, GIs. Yeah.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26- But you're saying there was an equivalent?- Yes.- Oh, OK, undersexed.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Oh, all the women who were left behind waiting,
0:20:29 > 0:20:32- although they weren't overpaid, were they?- No.- Well, it depends.
0:20:32 > 0:20:33So, during the Second World War,
0:20:33 > 0:20:36the wives of the American servicemen who'd been sent to fight abroad,
0:20:36 > 0:20:39they got an allotment. It was known as an allotment,
0:20:39 > 0:20:41and it was 50 a month for their husband's tour.
0:20:41 > 0:20:46And if the husband died in battle, they got 10,000 life insurance.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Some of the women thought, "That's a marvellous idea."
0:20:48 > 0:20:51So they married as many men as they could!
0:20:52 > 0:20:53So, they were bigamists.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56They were known as Allotment Annies.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58There's a fabulous story about one of them, Elvira Taylor.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02She was 17 years old, and she had married two men,
0:21:02 > 0:21:05and she was caught out by the most unbelievably unlucky coincidence.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07There were two American sailors in a pub - this is not them,
0:21:07 > 0:21:09this is just us showing two American sailors.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12And they both showed a photograph of their wife...
0:21:15 > 0:21:18..to the other, and it turns out she was in fact married to both of them,
0:21:18 > 0:21:20as well as four other sailors.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Oh, hashtag role models.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26In fact, the practice was considered so widespread
0:21:26 > 0:21:28that warnings against possible bigamists
0:21:28 > 0:21:31were printed in every civil notice of every single marriage.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34There was even a film, Allotment Wives, released about them.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Hundreds of women were convicted after the war
0:21:36 > 0:21:38of having been Allotment Annies.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40- Wow.- Allotment Annies.- I know, it's a great phrase, isn't it?
0:21:40 > 0:21:42It is, yeah.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Now, when Americans were first described as overpaid,
0:21:45 > 0:21:48oversexed and over here, where was here?
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Kent.
0:21:51 > 0:21:52I love this picture!
0:21:56 > 0:21:58- Colin should know this.- Australia.
0:21:58 > 0:21:59Australia is absolutely the right answer.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02- ALL:- Ah!- Wave the flag! Australia flag?
0:22:02 > 0:22:03Yay!
0:22:03 > 0:22:05- This one's like... - SHE GROWLS
0:22:05 > 0:22:08So the first GIs arrived in Australia, December 1941,
0:22:08 > 0:22:11and a couple of months later they arrived in the UK,
0:22:11 > 0:22:14so that expression "overpaid, oversexed and over here"
0:22:14 > 0:22:17initially was used to refer to them in Australia.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19- But they must have been very sexy to the Australian women.- Oh, yes.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22I mean, they were well dressed and well paid.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Are you saying that the Americans were attractive,
0:22:24 > 0:22:27or are you saying that Australia's women are desperate? Or...
0:22:27 > 0:22:30Any time anyone comes over from another place,
0:22:30 > 0:22:32they're always like, "Ooh, exotic!
0:22:32 > 0:22:35"I like the way you talk, you say what we say but different.
0:22:35 > 0:22:36"Nom."
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Exactly.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Except if you're from Birmingham.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44- BRUMMIE ACCENT:- Hullo!
0:22:44 > 0:22:48And letters from Birmingham can be addressed directly to Bill Bailey...
0:22:48 > 0:22:50No, they're all in Birmingham, all going,
0:22:50 > 0:22:52- BRUMMIE ACCENT:- "It's true, that, it's true."
0:22:52 > 0:22:54"Hullo, oi'm from anuther countray!"
0:22:56 > 0:22:58"Do you fancy going to... Don't go!"
0:23:00 > 0:23:04Allotment Annies could make 50 per month per husband,
0:23:04 > 0:23:05and that's a-lot-men.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08GROANING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:13 > 0:23:18OK, who am I talking about? A great beauty, pouty lips, long legs,
0:23:18 > 0:23:20good posture, firm ears,
0:23:20 > 0:23:23and spits in your face when you annoy them?
0:23:23 > 0:23:25- Camel.- It is a camel, indeed.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27- Yeah.- Pouty lips?!
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Pouty lips, yes. There you are, look -
0:23:29 > 0:23:31they have naturally pouty lips.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Every year the government of which country...
0:23:34 > 0:23:35It's the only one in the world begins with O?
0:23:35 > 0:23:39- Oman.- Oman. ..runs a camel beauty contest.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42So I've got the guidelines for a beautiful camel.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44"Well-proportioned body and face."
0:23:44 > 0:23:45- Essential.- Essential.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47"A long gharib."
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Anybody know what the gharib is?
0:23:49 > 0:23:50- Gharib.- The penis.
0:23:53 > 0:23:54Is it their neck thing?
0:23:54 > 0:23:57It is the area between the hump and the neck, is the gharib.
0:23:57 > 0:24:01- Oh, OK.- "Long body, firm ears, pouty lips.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04"Broad cheeks, big whiskers, a long, straight neck,
0:24:04 > 0:24:06"long straight legs, and fur shimmer."
0:24:06 > 0:24:08A shiny coat, I guess.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Yeah. And the most important thing is it's got to be large.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13There are no hybrid breeds, no fur dying, colouring, tattooing,
0:24:13 > 0:24:16that kind of thing. The natural look is what they want.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18But there are other animal beauty contests,
0:24:18 > 0:24:20and one of them is held here in the UK.
0:24:20 > 0:24:24It's an annual tarantula beauty contest.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27So we are going to have a look to see how beautiful tarantulas are.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Please welcome zoologist Mark Amey.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31APPLAUSE
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Thank you, Mark. Now, here is the thing,
0:24:38 > 0:24:42is that we don't in any way want to upset the tarantulas, obviously.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45- COLIN:- Don't open the lid, don't open the lid. Don't open the lid.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49So only one person is going to handle.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51- This is Rosie the tarantula.- Don't!
0:24:51 > 0:24:53And Bill's volunteered, haven't you, Bill?
0:24:53 > 0:24:56- Yes, I have. - Ah, he's... Oh, yeah.
0:24:56 > 0:25:00- And what is this one?- That's a Mexican redknee tarantula.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03- Right.- And this one is a Chilean rose tarantula.
0:25:03 > 0:25:04She is called Rosie, isn't she?
0:25:04 > 0:25:06- Yeah.- OK. How dangerous are they?
0:25:06 > 0:25:08I mean, some people are afraid of them.
0:25:08 > 0:25:09Their venom is very mild.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11- Right.- So it's equivalent to a...
0:25:11 > 0:25:12COLIN LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
0:25:14 > 0:25:17- Completely natural. - Venom is mild?
0:25:17 > 0:25:19It's similar to bees' and wasps' stings.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21So it's a neurotoxin, but it's a low-level neurotoxin.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24- Oh, that's all right, then! - But tell me about the...
0:25:24 > 0:25:27Like a nettle sting that they can give off from their abdomen -
0:25:27 > 0:25:29- is that right? - Yeah, it's called urticating.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31And those hairs are like little javelin spears
0:25:31 > 0:25:34that go in an upward direction, and they're all barbed.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37So when they hit something like eyes or skin, they stick in.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40It comes from the Latin for nettle, so it feels like a nettle sting?
0:25:40 > 0:25:41- Is that the sensation? - Yeah, it does.- Oh.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43And do they mind being handled?
0:25:43 > 0:25:45No, this one's quite used to it, and quite enjoys it.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Have you known Rosie from... I don't, from...?
0:25:47 > 0:25:49I've had her for over 20 years, but that...
0:25:49 > 0:25:51I don't know how long they'll live.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54- She could live another 10, 20 years? - Yeah.- It's very sweet.- But the boys,
0:25:54 > 0:25:56the boys reach sexual maturity, and then what?
0:25:56 > 0:25:57- Oh, then they're pretty doomed. - Right.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00They stop feeding, and their whole purpose in life
0:26:00 > 0:26:01is to try and find females.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03- Yes.- And then they'll usually die of starvation.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05If not,
0:26:05 > 0:26:07the last female that they mate with generally kills him.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Well, I think they're both super. Thank you so much, Mark,
0:26:10 > 0:26:12for bringing them in and thank you to Rosie.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15- Thank you very much. - APPLAUSE
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Now, why would you keep your brother in a cage?
0:26:22 > 0:26:24If he was a bit like my brother,
0:26:24 > 0:26:27who used to like to pin me down and dribble into my mouth...
0:26:27 > 0:26:28Oh, yeah.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31- Oh!- Eurgh.- It's a funny relationship with brothers, isn't it?
0:26:31 > 0:26:34So, my brother and I, we used to play this game at night.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37We'd turn out the lights and roll up a pair of socks
0:26:37 > 0:26:39and throw them, and if you hit each other, then you got a point.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41And I always won. And that is because
0:26:41 > 0:26:43he had a luminous dial on his watch.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49And I never told him, right,
0:26:49 > 0:26:51until his 50th birthday.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54And he's STILL cross about it!
0:26:58 > 0:27:00I had a big brother who used to bully me,
0:27:00 > 0:27:02and I had a little brother as well.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05And he was one day in the bathroom, and he was nude,
0:27:05 > 0:27:09came out of the bathroom and just went, "I am a robot, I am a robot."
0:27:09 > 0:27:12We thought that was pretty funny. And then he turned around,
0:27:12 > 0:27:14and he had a battery sticking out of his bum.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19Actually, we're going right back to Ottoman times.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21So, as the Ottoman Empire expanded,
0:27:21 > 0:27:23it was decreed that when a sultan ascended to the throne,
0:27:23 > 0:27:25he should kill all his brothers,
0:27:25 > 0:27:27to prevent sibling rivalry and that kind of thing.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30And then this guy pitched up, Sultan Ahmed I.
0:27:30 > 0:27:331603, and he said, "I don't want to kill my brothers."
0:27:33 > 0:27:35He's obviously a nice guy, so he made this very special pavilion
0:27:35 > 0:27:38and it was called The Cage. And they were cut off from the world,
0:27:38 > 0:27:40all his brothers, they were accompanied by eunuchs,
0:27:40 > 0:27:42and concubines past child-bearing age,
0:27:42 > 0:27:46so they couldn't have any progeny to mess up everything.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48And they spent all their time doing macrame.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Ah, how lovely.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52- I know.- In the shape of a noose.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Yeah. And then if a sultan died without a son,
0:27:55 > 0:27:58one of the brothers would be taken from the cage and made Sultan.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01Right, so is this a way of protecting the line, the lineage?
0:28:01 > 0:28:03- Yeah.- Right.- It is exactly that.
0:28:03 > 0:28:04But the one who came from the cage,
0:28:04 > 0:28:08that wasn't just whoever's the oldest, there was terrible fighting.
0:28:08 > 0:28:111622, Sultan Osman II died by...
0:28:11 > 0:28:16"Compression of the testicles at the hands of an assassin,
0:28:16 > 0:28:18- "Pehlivan the Oil Wrestler."- Ah!
0:28:21 > 0:28:23You can die from compression of the testicles?
0:28:23 > 0:28:27- Yeah!- Ooh...- Oh, I don't know, embarrassment, maybe.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29It would hurt a lot, I imagine you might black out.
0:28:29 > 0:28:33- If that happens in the bathtub, you're a goner.- Absolutely, yeah.
0:28:33 > 0:28:35They had quite a lot of strange rules.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38One of my favourites, if a grand Vizier of the Ottoman Empire was
0:28:38 > 0:28:41sentenced to death, he could have the sentence commuted to banishment
0:28:41 > 0:28:45if he beat the head gardener, who was also the chief executioner,
0:28:45 > 0:28:47in a race around the royal palace.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50So the Vizier would be summoned by the gardener,
0:28:50 > 0:28:52and he would be handed a cup of sherbet.
0:28:52 > 0:28:55If it was white, it was all fine, if it was red, it meant death.
0:28:55 > 0:28:58And he had to run 300 yards from the palace to a place
0:28:58 > 0:28:59called the Fish Market Gate,
0:28:59 > 0:29:03and if he survived, then he could carry on living.
0:29:03 > 0:29:05And this carried on quite well into the 19th century.
0:29:05 > 0:29:08It's such an interesting period of history, the Ottoman Empire.
0:29:08 > 0:29:11So 1517, they had one of their most famous victories,
0:29:11 > 0:29:13over the Mamluks of Egypt.
0:29:13 > 0:29:15And it's largely down to the fact
0:29:15 > 0:29:18that the Mamluks considered guns beneath their dignity.
0:29:18 > 0:29:20- Huh.- They refused to use them, and that's how they were...
0:29:20 > 0:29:24- Idiots!- Yeah, exactly. Totally wiped out.- Yeah.
0:29:24 > 0:29:27When the Ottomans invaded Constantinople the previous century,
0:29:27 > 0:29:30they had to get from here to here with their boats.
0:29:30 > 0:29:32How did they do it?
0:29:32 > 0:29:33Walking? Is it shallow?
0:29:33 > 0:29:35Walking is in fact the correct answer.
0:29:35 > 0:29:38So it was impossible to get into the Golden Horn
0:29:38 > 0:29:41because there was a huge iron chain floating on logs
0:29:41 > 0:29:43that had been installed across the entrance to defend it,
0:29:43 > 0:29:45so they secretly built a road,
0:29:45 > 0:29:49and they rolled the boats along on logs.
0:29:49 > 0:29:51They had all previously hidden their guns there...
0:29:51 > 0:29:54How do you secretly build a road?
0:29:54 > 0:29:57And why can't construction workers do that now? They're so loud!
0:29:58 > 0:29:59The very first railways,
0:29:59 > 0:30:01or what we think of as railways,
0:30:01 > 0:30:02were rather a similar system.
0:30:02 > 0:30:04You used to move ships around in this way.
0:30:04 > 0:30:07You can see here, it's a paved trackway near Corinth.
0:30:07 > 0:30:09It's called the Diolkos,
0:30:09 > 0:30:11and it allowed ships to be moved over the isthmus of Corinth,
0:30:11 > 0:30:14and that's kind of considered to be the early railways,
0:30:14 > 0:30:16but it's basically rolling ships on logs.
0:30:16 > 0:30:19Or you could just cover the ground in olive oil and they'd just slide.
0:30:19 > 0:30:21- Just slide along!- Yeah!
0:30:21 > 0:30:22Now, what can you tell about
0:30:22 > 0:30:24somebody who wears socks with sandals?
0:30:25 > 0:30:27They're English.
0:30:27 > 0:30:29KLAXON BLARES
0:30:35 > 0:30:37- They don't care any more. - They've given up.
0:30:37 > 0:30:40They've got at least three embarrassed children behind them,
0:30:40 > 0:30:42like, "Dad, God, come on!"
0:30:42 > 0:30:44They've gone for comfort over style.
0:30:44 > 0:30:46Well, here's the curious thing.
0:30:46 > 0:30:49Wearing socks with sandals actually once saved somebody's life.
0:30:49 > 0:30:51There's a man called Hiroo Onoda,
0:30:51 > 0:30:52and he was a Japanese army officer
0:30:52 > 0:30:56who refused to believe that World War II had ended.
0:30:56 > 0:30:58He was in the mountains of the Philippines,
0:30:58 > 0:31:00and they dropped leaflets saying the war was over,
0:31:00 > 0:31:02but he didn't believe it.
0:31:02 > 0:31:04He was in hiding until 1974.
0:31:04 > 0:31:06There was a man called Norio Suzuki.
0:31:06 > 0:31:09He was the person who eventually found him.
0:31:09 > 0:31:10There they are together,
0:31:10 > 0:31:13and he was spared by Onoda because
0:31:13 > 0:31:16he was wearing socks with his sandals.
0:31:16 > 0:31:18And Onoda wrote, "I might have shot him,
0:31:18 > 0:31:19"but he had on these thick woollen socks,
0:31:19 > 0:31:21"even though he was wearing sandals."
0:31:21 > 0:31:24The islanders would never do anything so incongruous,
0:31:24 > 0:31:26so he thought he'd spare him from that.
0:31:26 > 0:31:29I like Suzuki - he dropped out of college
0:31:29 > 0:31:33and announced that he was going to look for the abominable snowman,
0:31:33 > 0:31:34a panda bear,
0:31:34 > 0:31:36and Hiroo Onoda.
0:31:36 > 0:31:38And he died, in fact, in an avalanche in 1986,
0:31:38 > 0:31:41whilst still searching for the abominable snowman.
0:31:41 > 0:31:44- Should have ticked off the panda first, really.- Oh, yeah!
0:31:44 > 0:31:45But Onoda,
0:31:45 > 0:31:47the gentleman who was conducting guerrilla warfare for 30 years,
0:31:47 > 0:31:49he effectively got away with murder,
0:31:49 > 0:31:51because he killed 30 people during his guerrilla campaign,
0:31:51 > 0:31:54but he was pardoned because he thought he was at war,
0:31:54 > 0:31:56so there would be no crime if he is at war.
0:31:56 > 0:31:58And he's not the only Japanese holdout.
0:31:58 > 0:32:01In 1972, there was another soldier found on the island of Guam,
0:32:01 > 0:32:03also still under the impression that he was at war.
0:32:03 > 0:32:05He got back to Japan and said,
0:32:05 > 0:32:07"It is with much embarrassment I have returned."
0:32:07 > 0:32:10And he was missing for 28 years, and got 300 back pay.
0:32:12 > 0:32:14- He wasn't wearing sandals?- No.
0:32:14 > 0:32:18- I mean, it is quite a Japanese thing wearing socks and sandals.- It is.
0:32:18 > 0:32:20They wear these socks which are called tabi, which stop chafing.
0:32:20 > 0:32:22It's a thing.
0:32:22 > 0:32:24If you see someone wearing socks and sandals,
0:32:24 > 0:32:26they are probably either an Englishman abroad,
0:32:26 > 0:32:28or a Japanese officer still fighting World War II.
0:32:29 > 0:32:31Now we arrive at the slippery individual
0:32:31 > 0:32:34that we call General Ignorance. Fingers on buzzers, please.
0:32:35 > 0:32:39Where are most of the world's obelisks?
0:32:39 > 0:32:41# Go home... #
0:32:41 > 0:32:43- Alan?- London.
0:32:43 > 0:32:45- No.- Oh, come on, we've got one.
0:32:46 > 0:32:48We've got one!
0:32:48 > 0:32:49# Down under... #
0:32:49 > 0:32:52- Tasmania.- I want that to be true.
0:32:52 > 0:32:53But no, they are in Rome.
0:32:53 > 0:32:58There are twice as many obelisks in Rome as there are in Egypt.
0:32:58 > 0:32:59So 13 in Rome, six in Egypt.
0:32:59 > 0:33:03They were nicked by... Well, five of the ones in Rome are home-grown,
0:33:03 > 0:33:04but the rest were taken from Egypt.
0:33:04 > 0:33:07The Egyptians called them tekhenu.
0:33:07 > 0:33:09We call them obelisks because Herodotus, the Greek traveller,
0:33:09 > 0:33:12was the first one to write about them, so we get the Greek name.
0:33:12 > 0:33:13So you said Britain has one.
0:33:13 > 0:33:16- What is the name of the one that we have?- I don't know.
0:33:16 > 0:33:19- There it is. - It's Cleopatra's Needle, right?
0:33:19 > 0:33:21Yes! The American gets the point!
0:33:21 > 0:33:23APPLAUSE
0:33:25 > 0:33:28Of course, as soon as you say it, of course!
0:33:28 > 0:33:29Yes!
0:33:29 > 0:33:31It's 3,000 years old, I do know that.
0:33:31 > 0:33:33Well, do you know that it nearly didn't get here?
0:33:33 > 0:33:35It was given to the UK in 1819 by the then ruler of Egypt,
0:33:35 > 0:33:40- Muhammad Ali, who went on to have a very fine boxing career...- Yeah!
0:33:40 > 0:33:43..to commemorate Lord Nelson's victory at the Battle of the Nile.
0:33:43 > 0:33:45The British government thought it marvellous,
0:33:45 > 0:33:47but didn't want to transport it because it cost a fortune
0:33:47 > 0:33:49to bring such a big piece of stone over
0:33:49 > 0:33:52and eventually there was a purpose-built iron cylinder made -
0:33:52 > 0:33:54there it is - and it was towed towards Britain by a ship
0:33:54 > 0:33:57called the Olga, and then the Olga unfortunately was wrecked,
0:33:57 > 0:33:58and the obelisk was lost at sea,
0:33:58 > 0:34:00it was bobbing up and down for five days,
0:34:00 > 0:34:03and a passing ship thought, "I wonder what that is."
0:34:04 > 0:34:06And grabbed it on a rope,
0:34:06 > 0:34:09and towed it back, and that is how it eventually ended up in Britain.
0:34:09 > 0:34:13- Now, what's it outside Mongolia? - A lot of things...
0:34:13 > 0:34:16- Outer Mongolia? - KLAXON BLARES
0:34:19 > 0:34:21It's just like you're walking into a spider web.
0:34:21 > 0:34:23I know! Come into my trap, my pretties!
0:34:25 > 0:34:28- No, doesn't exist, Outer Mongolia.- What?- I know!
0:34:28 > 0:34:30- It's in Tintin!- No, see...
0:34:34 > 0:34:36When it did exist, it was inside the modern country of Mongolia,
0:34:36 > 0:34:40so it did exist, 1644 to 1911,
0:34:40 > 0:34:44but it was a semi-independent territory of China's Qing Dynasty.
0:34:44 > 0:34:46So "outer" just differentiated it from inner,
0:34:46 > 0:34:48which was under more direct Chinese rule.
0:34:48 > 0:34:51And then it declared independence in 1912,
0:34:51 > 0:34:53and finally became Mongolia again in 1992,
0:34:53 > 0:34:55but the very first person to use the phrase Outer Mongolia
0:34:55 > 0:34:58to mean a place in the middle of nowhere was the American explorer,
0:34:58 > 0:35:01the director of the American Museum of Natural History,
0:35:01 > 0:35:03Roy Chapman Andrews,
0:35:03 > 0:35:05and he is thought to have been the person on whom
0:35:05 > 0:35:07Indiana Jones was modelled.
0:35:07 > 0:35:10Yeah, and it was an expedition to Komodo
0:35:10 > 0:35:12by the American Natural History Museum,
0:35:12 > 0:35:14that eventually led to King Kong.
0:35:14 > 0:35:15Yeah. Because they went to Komodo Island
0:35:15 > 0:35:18and found these extraordinary things, the Komodo dragons,
0:35:18 > 0:35:21and they brought one back to America...
0:35:21 > 0:35:23And it was a huge sensation,
0:35:23 > 0:35:27but the idea of a creature that was terrorising the locals
0:35:27 > 0:35:31then became, you know, the giant ape,
0:35:31 > 0:35:33so that was the origin of the King Kong story.
0:35:33 > 0:35:36- You should have some points for that, I think.- Yeah. Yeah.
0:35:36 > 0:35:39Anyway, Outer Mongolia is now in Mongolia,
0:35:39 > 0:35:42while Inner Mongolia is, and always has been,
0:35:42 > 0:35:43out of Mongolia.
0:35:43 > 0:35:44That's cleared that up.
0:35:44 > 0:35:48Name an endangered mammal that eats bamboo.
0:35:49 > 0:35:51- Panda!- Panda.
0:35:51 > 0:35:54- KLAXON BLARES - Panda!- He-e-ey!
0:35:54 > 0:35:57- DESIREE:- Glad you said it! Yeah.- Not so, why?
0:35:57 > 0:36:00- Bill, any ideas? - Well, they're not that endangered.
0:36:00 > 0:36:03- They're no longer endangered. - No.- Oh, they're all over the place.
0:36:03 > 0:36:06- They're vulnerable.- You can't go in any shopping centre in London
0:36:06 > 0:36:08without them taking up all the seats.
0:36:08 > 0:36:11- Yeah.- Elephants eat bamboo - is there a right answer?
0:36:11 > 0:36:13There is, but it isn't panda,
0:36:13 > 0:36:15because they are no longer designated as endangered.
0:36:15 > 0:36:17- Tree sloths.- It's a golden bamboo...
0:36:18 > 0:36:20- ..Eater.- Lemur.
0:36:20 > 0:36:23- There, look, how cute is that? - Look at his little face!
0:36:23 > 0:36:24Look, cute!
0:36:24 > 0:36:25Bird of prey!
0:36:25 > 0:36:28- Argh! - HE SCREECHES
0:36:29 > 0:36:32"There's only the two of us left now!
0:36:32 > 0:36:34"Phone the World Wildlife Fund."
0:36:34 > 0:36:37"Stop eating the bamboo! That's why they're upset!"
0:36:44 > 0:36:48"We're making the same mistakes again and again and again!
0:36:48 > 0:36:50"We need to adapt to new habitats!"
0:36:50 > 0:36:53"Shut up, I'm eating all the bamboo before the bird comes back."
0:36:55 > 0:36:56I love bamboo. I bloody love it!
0:36:57 > 0:36:59You can do so much with it.
0:36:59 > 0:37:02You can grill it, you can fry it. You can chop it up and it's good.
0:37:02 > 0:37:06You can make scaffolding out of it, for building a lemur house.
0:37:06 > 0:37:08It's a very flexible plant - everyone knows that!
0:37:08 > 0:37:10You can make a xylophone out of it, for God's sake!
0:37:10 > 0:37:12There's loads of it - why are we dying out?!
0:37:13 > 0:37:17- We should be thriving. - We're not having enough sex.- No.
0:37:18 > 0:37:20It doesn't really look like bamboo.
0:37:20 > 0:37:22It looks like he's crimping the end of a joint.
0:37:26 > 0:37:28"Yeah, let's crimp it, here we are, that's that.
0:37:28 > 0:37:30"Right, OK, come on, everyone."
0:37:31 > 0:37:33The Camberwell Carrot.
0:37:33 > 0:37:34Yeah!
0:37:34 > 0:37:37That's why they're dying out - they're just not doing anything.
0:37:38 > 0:37:41Best job ever, I think, in 2014,
0:37:41 > 0:37:43China's Giant Panda Protection and Research Centre
0:37:43 > 0:37:45started recruiting panda nannies.
0:37:45 > 0:37:48- Awww!- Oh, my.
0:37:48 > 0:37:51- Oh, my gosh.- You get paid the equivalent of £28,000 a year.
0:37:51 > 0:37:53You get free meals, travel, accommodation.
0:37:53 > 0:37:56And you get to hug pandas all day.
0:37:56 > 0:37:58What are any of us doing with our lives?
0:37:59 > 0:38:02Some basic knowledge of pandas is required,
0:38:02 > 0:38:04as well as the ability to take pictures.
0:38:04 > 0:38:05The work has only one mission,
0:38:05 > 0:38:08spending 365 days with the pandas,
0:38:08 > 0:38:10and sharing in their joys and sorrows.
0:38:10 > 0:38:13Aw. I don't think they have any joy or sorrow though, do they?
0:38:13 > 0:38:16- Yeah, what are panda sorrows? - They're just pandas, aren't they?
0:38:17 > 0:38:19I like the little one in the middle.
0:38:19 > 0:38:21"I may be small, but I'll take any of you.
0:38:21 > 0:38:23"I can take on any of you."
0:38:23 > 0:38:25- He's a tough one. - They're about to drop that one.
0:38:25 > 0:38:27And ready... Go!
0:38:29 > 0:38:31Argh!
0:38:31 > 0:38:33It would just be the softest crash in the world, though.
0:38:33 > 0:38:34This one, this is my favourite.
0:38:34 > 0:38:36Yeah, this one. That's the best.
0:38:36 > 0:38:37"Show business!"
0:38:38 > 0:38:40# There's no business like... #
0:38:41 > 0:38:44A panda with jazz hands - you don't see that very often, do you?
0:38:44 > 0:38:48Now, how many hills was Rome built on?
0:38:48 > 0:38:50- Seven.- Seven!
0:38:50 > 0:38:52KLAXON BLARES
0:38:54 > 0:38:56Six? Six? Five?
0:38:56 > 0:38:58- Five?- Four? Three?- Eight? - Seven and a half.
0:38:58 > 0:39:00- Eight.- Eight! - Oh, no, you've done it again!
0:39:01 > 0:39:03COLIN SINGS HAPPILY
0:39:03 > 0:39:06It's always been known as seven, but it seems to be a misunderstanding.
0:39:06 > 0:39:08They used to have a big festival called the Septimontium,
0:39:08 > 0:39:11which means "seven hills" - they celebrated the whole thing.
0:39:11 > 0:39:14But, actually, when you look at the ancient list of the hills involved
0:39:14 > 0:39:16that they are celebrating, there are eight.
0:39:17 > 0:39:20And Mary Beard, who's a wonderful classicist,
0:39:20 > 0:39:23says, "Something has got confused there somewhere along the line."
0:39:23 > 0:39:25There's about 75 cities in the world
0:39:25 > 0:39:27that claim to have been built on seven hills.
0:39:27 > 0:39:29There are two Romes, two Athens.
0:39:29 > 0:39:32There's a Seven Hills in Ohio, which is rather aptly named.
0:39:32 > 0:39:34About a quarter of Europe's capital cities claim to be.
0:39:34 > 0:39:37Bath, where I grew up, that's supposed to be based on Rome.
0:39:37 > 0:39:40- Right.- Cos of seven hills, but, you know. I don't know.
0:39:40 > 0:39:41Lisbon's very hilly.
0:39:41 > 0:39:42What's that?
0:39:44 > 0:39:46They have a funicular railway.
0:39:46 > 0:39:48It's like the worst TripAdvisor review.
0:39:48 > 0:39:52No, no, on the contrary, it's a very good tip about Lisbon.
0:39:52 > 0:39:54It's very hilly -
0:39:54 > 0:39:56it's what you need to know more than anything else.
0:39:56 > 0:39:58"They said it was hilly on TripAdvisor."
0:40:00 > 0:40:02You need to be warned about it - you're absolutely right.
0:40:02 > 0:40:05- Edinburgh's hilly.- Yeah.
0:40:05 > 0:40:07OK, let's stop doing places that are hilly.
0:40:08 > 0:40:11- Dublin's not very hilly. - No. OK, moving on from hilly.
0:40:11 > 0:40:12Holland!
0:40:12 > 0:40:14Holland's completely flat, no hills at all.
0:40:14 > 0:40:16Amsterdam, no, barely an incline.
0:40:16 > 0:40:19Nothing at all. No, there's no crime in Holland or Belgium.
0:40:19 > 0:40:22- You can see people coming from miles off.- Because you can see everyone!
0:40:23 > 0:40:26Denmark is very, very flat, and the area that I come from,
0:40:26 > 0:40:28there's a tiny little hill, just one,
0:40:28 > 0:40:31- and we call it Little Switzerland. - Oh!
0:40:31 > 0:40:33Prague's quite hilly.
0:40:34 > 0:40:35Wales.
0:40:35 > 0:40:37Scotland. That's really hilly!
0:40:37 > 0:40:38Cardiff isn't, though, really.
0:40:38 > 0:40:40Do you know, I can imagine you in a home, somehow.
0:40:43 > 0:40:46APPLAUSE
0:40:46 > 0:40:48Will you come and see me?
0:40:48 > 0:40:49Yeah... No.
0:40:50 > 0:40:52I'll bring you some mashed banana.
0:40:52 > 0:40:54Argentina - that's really hilly.
0:40:54 > 0:40:55Shut up!
0:40:57 > 0:40:59I'll be in the next bed.
0:40:59 > 0:41:01"What was that, Alan?"
0:41:02 > 0:41:04Vancouver, but it's not a capital, doesn't count.
0:41:04 > 0:41:06Yeah.
0:41:06 > 0:41:07- Fiji - is that hilly?- Shut up!
0:41:09 > 0:41:11Do you think this is sharp enough to kill somebody?
0:41:11 > 0:41:14Yeah, if you have enough intention behind it.
0:41:14 > 0:41:16- Yeah.- Oslo.
0:41:17 > 0:41:18- Oslo's hilly.- That's true.
0:41:18 > 0:41:21They've got a funicular railway, and don't deny it!
0:41:23 > 0:41:25That's right.
0:41:25 > 0:41:26OK!
0:41:28 > 0:41:29On the subject of Rome...
0:41:29 > 0:41:31Yes.
0:41:31 > 0:41:33THAT is hilly - it's famous for it.
0:41:35 > 0:41:37They thought it was seven, but it turns out it's eight.
0:41:37 > 0:41:38Eight, we know that.
0:41:38 > 0:41:41- COLIN:- Does this qualify as entertainment?- No!
0:41:41 > 0:41:42The seven hills...
0:41:42 > 0:41:45The seven hills of Rome are actually eight.
0:41:45 > 0:41:47There are many other places in the world that are also hilly,
0:41:47 > 0:41:50and I can't be arsed to tell you about them.
0:41:51 > 0:41:53When I am in the company of men in a group like this,
0:41:53 > 0:41:56I feel happy about my life choices. And so...
0:41:57 > 0:42:00APPLAUSE
0:42:05 > 0:42:08And so, our international odyssey is over,
0:42:08 > 0:42:10and it's time to work out what it's cost us.
0:42:10 > 0:42:12Let's have a look at the scores.
0:42:12 > 0:42:14In last place, we have, with...
0:42:14 > 0:42:18Ah, this is magnificent. Minus 57, it's Alan.
0:42:18 > 0:42:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:22 > 0:42:24A very creditable minus 3, Bill.
0:42:24 > 0:42:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:27 > 0:42:30And considering it was her very first show,
0:42:30 > 0:42:32she got a full 3 points, Desiree.
0:42:32 > 0:42:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:36 > 0:42:40Colin, 16 points, you are the winner.
0:42:40 > 0:42:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:48 > 0:42:52# Australians all let us rejoice
0:42:52 > 0:42:55# For we are young and free... #
0:42:55 > 0:42:58- No, you're not...- Colin...
0:42:58 > 0:43:03# Neighbours, everybody needs good neighbours... #
0:43:03 > 0:43:06And the suburb where they make Neighbours is quite hilly.
0:43:10 > 0:43:11Quite hilly.
0:43:11 > 0:43:14The winner takes home this week's Objectionable Object,
0:43:14 > 0:43:17and it is this lovely souvenir spider.
0:43:17 > 0:43:18Awwww!
0:43:18 > 0:43:20- There you go.- Aww, no! - There you go.- Oh...
0:43:23 > 0:43:24Ow!
0:43:24 > 0:43:28It only remains for me to thank Desiree, Bill, Colin and Alan.
0:43:28 > 0:43:30And to end this Overseas show,
0:43:30 > 0:43:32I leave you with this story about travel.
0:43:32 > 0:43:34Muhammad Ali was on a flight,
0:43:34 > 0:43:37when a hostess asked him to put on his seat belt.
0:43:37 > 0:43:39"Superman don't need no seatbelt," said Ali.
0:43:39 > 0:43:42To which she replied, "Superman don't need no plane."
0:43:42 > 0:43:44Thank you, goodnight.