0:00:29 > 0:00:31APPLAUSE
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Hello, and welcome to QI,
0:00:34 > 0:00:36where tonight, I am pleased to say,
0:00:36 > 0:00:40we will be enjoying multiple organisms.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Let's meet our life forms.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44The wise Nish Kumar.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:48 > 0:00:51The noble Cariad Lloyd.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:54 > 0:00:57The amusing Holly Walsh.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:00 > 0:01:03And the single-celled Alan Davies!
0:01:03 > 0:01:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:07 > 0:01:10Right, let's hear your multiple organisms.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Cariad goes...
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh!
0:01:14 > 0:01:17That's me, that's me.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Holly goes...
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh!
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Nish goes...
0:01:23 > 0:01:27STRANGE MELODY
0:01:27 > 0:01:30It's a really disturbing programme!
0:01:30 > 0:01:32And Alan goes...
0:01:32 > 0:01:34LOUD SNORING
0:01:37 > 0:01:39I do, actually!
0:01:39 > 0:01:41LAUGHTER
0:01:41 > 0:01:47What animal gets the lion's share of online viewing?
0:01:47 > 0:01:50I don't know, but that horse looks like Donald Trump.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56We had a cat that used to watch the telly.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58He watched the telly, he'd watch two things.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02He'd watch football because he'd watch the ball,
0:02:02 > 0:02:04so if it went out the picture,
0:02:04 > 0:02:07he'd look round the side of the telly.
0:02:07 > 0:02:11And the other thing he watched was a documentary about urban foxes,
0:02:11 > 0:02:15and he watched the whole programme with his paws up on the back of
0:02:15 > 0:02:17the chair, looking at it like this.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19And about six months later they repeated it,
0:02:19 > 0:02:21and he watched it all again.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26And any time a fox went out of the side, he went like that.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Probably birds as well, birds probably watch a lot of TV,
0:02:29 > 0:02:31because they're in the room, aren't they?
0:02:31 > 0:02:32A cat can leave. A cat can be like,
0:02:32 > 0:02:34"I don't want to watch a documentary."
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Bird's in the room, he's got to watch it.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38What about people who hang their budgie by the window
0:02:38 > 0:02:40- so it can see the other birds outside?- Yeah!
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Is that not the definition of evil?
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Anyway, none of this is what I wanted to talk about!
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Is it lions?
0:02:49 > 0:02:50Yes.
0:02:50 > 0:02:51No!
0:02:52 > 0:02:53It's surprising.
0:02:55 > 0:02:56Blue whale.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07No. Surprisingly, there are more dog videos on YouTube
0:03:07 > 0:03:11than there are cat videos. People always talk about cat videos.
0:03:11 > 0:03:1465.9 million dog videos,
0:03:14 > 0:03:16versus 65.3 million cats.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18The dogs just got the edge there.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21- Why do we think that might be? - Dogs are better than cats. - AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:03:21 > 0:03:25Oh, that's the most controversial thing ever said in this studio!
0:03:25 > 0:03:27- Wow! Yeah.- I'm with you, Cariad.
0:03:27 > 0:03:28Thank you.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30That's the Brexit of the pet world.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32- Yeah.- In England, people would care more about that
0:03:32 > 0:03:34than they did about Brexit,
0:03:34 > 0:03:36if you start slagging off dogs or cats.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Let's try it. People who like cats, say "cats".
0:03:38 > 0:03:40AUDIENCE: Cats!
0:03:40 > 0:03:42- People who like dogs, say "dogs". - AUDIENCE: Dogs!
0:03:42 > 0:03:45People who like Brexit, say "Brexit"!
0:03:46 > 0:03:49People who like people, say "people"!
0:03:50 > 0:03:51Nothing.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56- So there are more dog videos... - Because dogs are better.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58- No, more people have pet dogs. - Is that true?
0:03:58 > 0:04:00- Because they're better. - More pet dogs than pet cats.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03- Why are dogs better than cats? - I am a dog person, right,
0:04:03 > 0:04:05and I have a dog and the dog is at home
0:04:05 > 0:04:06and the dog goes out into my garden.
0:04:06 > 0:04:11All my neighbours have cats and they also come and live in my garden.
0:04:11 > 0:04:12That is why dogs are better.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14They stick to the one garden.
0:04:14 > 0:04:15I've got a theory,
0:04:15 > 0:04:17I think technically more people have got dogs,
0:04:17 > 0:04:20but actually more people think they have cats.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Cos cats live in three or four houses.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26I have to say that Google tells a different story than YouTube.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28There are 2.2 billion pages about cats,
0:04:28 > 0:04:30compared to 1.8 billion about dogs.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Yeah, people going, "Why are cats shit?"
0:04:32 > 0:04:35"Why did I get a cat?" "I can't get rid of this cat."
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Did a cat slap you when you were a baby?!
0:04:38 > 0:04:40No, do you know what,
0:04:40 > 0:04:42the reason I don't like cats is I am allergic to them,
0:04:42 > 0:04:45and I want to stroke them and I can't,
0:04:45 > 0:04:46so what I've done is develop a hatred.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49- Right, right.- It worked the same way for men when I was younger.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51This is how Brexit...
0:04:51 > 0:04:53So why animal videos, why do we watch a lot of animal videos,
0:04:53 > 0:04:55what's the reason for it?
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Because everything's so depressing, so you're like,
0:04:58 > 0:05:01you can't cope, so you think, "Cat... Cat dying."
0:05:01 > 0:05:02No, I'm joking!
0:05:04 > 0:05:05I am joking.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09I see Brexit is happening, fetch me a feline snuff video.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12I actually do like them, I do,
0:05:12 > 0:05:15it's just I have to hate them because they will kill me,
0:05:15 > 0:05:16so it's mutual.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Yeah, but you don't have a fatal cat allergy.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21It's very irritating.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24So why animal videos?
0:05:24 > 0:05:25Is it because we're, like,
0:05:25 > 0:05:28programmed as people to love looking at animals?
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Well, no, the concept is that we just watch something that's a bit of fun,
0:05:31 > 0:05:35and it makes you feel fewer negative emotions. Anxiety, you know, guilt, that kind of thing.
0:05:35 > 0:05:36I was working with an editor once,
0:05:36 > 0:05:39and he was telling me that they did this experiment where, like,
0:05:39 > 0:05:41they wanted to see where people's eyes went on, say, movies.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43You know, like, so what people are looking at.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47And they had, like, a shot with a topless woman, and obviously, like,
0:05:47 > 0:05:49most people watched the topless woman,
0:05:49 > 0:05:52and then the only thing that distracted them was when a dog walked in,
0:05:52 > 0:05:54and then they all just looked at the dog!
0:05:54 > 0:05:58In the, like, Top Trumps of distraction, it goes tits, dog.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02And a topless dog is, like...
0:06:02 > 0:06:05It's my dream, a topless dog!
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Yeah. That's my website.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10That's what I'm after.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Well, there are more dog videos online than cat videos,
0:06:13 > 0:06:15and even fewer otter videos.
0:06:15 > 0:06:16So who wants to see a juggling otter?
0:06:16 > 0:06:18- Yes, yes!- Yes!
0:06:18 > 0:06:20- Let's have a look.- Oh, my God!
0:06:23 > 0:06:26- Oh, my God!- Oh, my God!- I know!
0:06:26 > 0:06:29That definitely trumps tits and dog.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31There we go, back with that one.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Ah!
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Totally nailing all the moves there.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Has anyone checked he's not trapped under there?
0:06:41 > 0:06:45He's like, "Help! Let me out!"
0:06:47 > 0:06:50"Do something!"
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Stop it, you're messing my mascara!
0:06:55 > 0:06:57That's a juggling otter.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01But not everybody loves otters, all right, like we do.
0:07:01 > 0:07:06So tell me, what do otter hounds hunt?
0:07:06 > 0:07:07Yes, Nish.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09I mean, I know what's about to happen.
0:07:09 > 0:07:10Yes.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Otters?
0:07:20 > 0:07:25OK, it is illegal to hunt otters, so when otter hunting was banned,
0:07:25 > 0:07:27they retrained them to hunt mink,
0:07:27 > 0:07:30so what do otter hounds hunt?
0:07:30 > 0:07:31Small boys in caps?
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Mink.
0:07:35 > 0:07:36Mink!
0:07:38 > 0:07:41- It's illegal to hunt mink. - It's illegal to hunt mink.
0:07:41 > 0:07:42But do they hunt mink?
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Do they, you know, hunt mink?
0:07:44 > 0:07:47- Is that, like, a euphemism? - Yeah, that's like...
0:07:49 > 0:07:51That's a backhander, guys.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Is it? Oh, backhander.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Oh, it's a backhander? I thought it was a back entrance.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58I thought that was, like... a backhander was, like,
0:07:58 > 0:08:00"I'll take some money if you don't mention it."
0:08:00 > 0:08:05- Yeah, that's what I mean. Like, "I'll get the mink for you."- Oh, I thought it was "I've just farted"!
0:08:05 > 0:08:08I thought it was, like, a lesbian euphemism.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15My whole life in a club, I've never gone...
0:08:16 > 0:08:19All right, we've got a backhander in tonight!
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Anybody up for some mink hunting?!
0:08:23 > 0:08:27Otter hunting was a very, very popular blood sport throughout the Middle Ages and so on...
0:08:27 > 0:08:29- That's horrible!- There was a
0:08:29 > 0:08:34King's Otterer. He had an estate called Otterer's Fee in Aylesbury.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37And then it largely died out, because the otter was largely dying out,
0:08:37 > 0:08:41and so there was a little bit of a revival in the 20th century until 1978,
0:08:41 > 0:08:44and then the otter became a protected species, and then they tried mink,
0:08:44 > 0:08:46and now it's rats. In fact,
0:08:46 > 0:08:49only rats and rabbits are exempt from the ban on hunting mammals
0:08:49 > 0:08:51- with dogs.- What about squirrels?
0:08:51 > 0:08:53It's rats and rabbits, that's your limit.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Yeah, but could you squeeze in a squirrel?
0:08:55 > 0:08:58When you use the expression "squeeze in a squirrel", what do you mean?
0:09:00 > 0:09:04- It's another lesbian euphemism, in the clubs.- One of the most prized
0:09:04 > 0:09:06things for hunters was the otter's baculum.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09- Anybody know what the otter's baculum is?- Something nasty?
0:09:09 > 0:09:10Oh, is it the penis bone?
0:09:10 > 0:09:12- It is the penis bone, yes. - See, something nasty.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Absolutely right. There is one right there...
0:09:15 > 0:09:17It's the length of the otter?!
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Oh, my God, I'm going to get an erection!
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Ooh!
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Get it off me!
0:09:34 > 0:09:37The rest of that video is the otter struggling under the rocks,
0:09:37 > 0:09:40and he goes, "Hold on a second..." Phodum!
0:09:40 > 0:09:44Just throwing up a pebble, and then whacking it with its cock!
0:09:44 > 0:09:45If you've just tuned in,
0:09:45 > 0:09:49that's Alan Davies pretending to be an otter with a troublesome erection.
0:09:50 > 0:09:54So...Otter's baculum was much prized.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57- You've got one?!- Well, what I've got, these are earrings,
0:09:57 > 0:09:59and this is actually made from a mink's...
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Obviously two, there's not one, he doesn't have two.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03They're made from mink baculum.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05There's some mink out in the world going,
0:10:05 > 0:10:07"I hope you're enjoying that earring!
0:10:07 > 0:10:10"I hope it's made you happy, that earring."
0:10:10 > 0:10:12I don't understand how this works.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14So they constantly have a hard-on?
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Well, no, what it is... Humans don't have a baculum, I'm told.
0:10:16 > 0:10:20Yes, I'd like to beg to differ there.
0:10:23 > 0:10:24Do you know why humans don't have it?
0:10:24 > 0:10:26- What's the reason given?- Underpants.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Do you want to see them? Thank you.
0:10:29 > 0:10:30Not compatible with underpants.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33So the mythological reason is that Eve was taken,
0:10:33 > 0:10:36not from a rib of Adam, but from his baculum.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39But the real reason is that the baculum is needed for what's...
0:10:39 > 0:10:41How can I put this politely? Prolonged intromission,
0:10:41 > 0:10:44- is what you need it for.- So do you think Sting's got a baculum?
0:10:44 > 0:10:46LAUGHTER
0:10:51 > 0:10:53This thing's the exact same shape as my nose!
0:10:55 > 0:11:00There's a good idea for a show - Nish Kumar - Mink Pleasurer.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03I'll watch it.
0:11:03 > 0:11:04I love otters, I think they're amazing.
0:11:04 > 0:11:09The sea otter is extraordinary, it has the densest fur of any mammal.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13- Oh, my God.- They have more hairs per square centimetre
0:11:13 > 0:11:15than are on an entire human head,
0:11:15 > 0:11:18so the Chinese used to call it "soft gold."
0:11:18 > 0:11:21They're fantastically easy to hunt, actually, because they float
0:11:21 > 0:11:25in rafts of up to 2,000 individuals holding hands.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29And what the mothers do, because the baby can float but can't swim,
0:11:29 > 0:11:31they wrap the baby in kelp, almost like a little papoose,
0:11:31 > 0:11:33and they put it to one side to make sure that it's OK.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36And they make something called otter rubs, which is a slide.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40I think we've got some video I can show you of them playing in the snow
0:11:40 > 0:11:42and they actually slide down. Look at them.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44- Oh, my God! - And they're just playing.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48That's all they're doing sliding down,
0:11:48 > 0:11:50apparently just for a laugh.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53This is the remake of Cool Runnings.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59Otter hounds are now employed as rat catchers.
0:11:59 > 0:12:04But speaking of occupations, what's the best job for a beetle?
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Drummer, because you'll still be alive.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10That's very good.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16I am going to give you an extra point.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19- Thanks.- Even though it's horribly wrong.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Is it careers advice advisor?
0:12:22 > 0:12:23Did you have one of those?
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Yeah, they told me to be a horticulturalist.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28- Did they?! - You had a nice careers advisor.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Mine's was like, "Sainsbury's is that way, good luck."
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Mine told me prison.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Working or serving?
0:12:36 > 0:12:39My daughter's a really brilliant photographer
0:12:39 > 0:12:42and she was told baggage handler at Gatwick. It was really specific.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47So, beetles are employed, where might they be employed?
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Dung moving. It must be dung moving.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53It isn't, it is a form of job that only a beetle can do.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Is it baggage handling at Gatwick?
0:12:55 > 0:12:57What can they do?
0:12:57 > 0:13:00They can get under things, they can go through little holes.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Eating, scavengers.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Oh, is it anything to do with nuclear power stations?
0:13:04 > 0:13:06No, not at all!
0:13:06 > 0:13:07They work in museums.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10So, skeletons contain a lot of delicate structures,
0:13:10 > 0:13:13and the best way to prep them for a museum display
0:13:13 > 0:13:17without damaging them is the dermestid beetle.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21- Oh, God!- And it lives by stripping the flesh off rotten corpses.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23It's used by museums all over the world for that purpose.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26But before that, how do you think museums did it before
0:13:26 > 0:13:29- they worked out that...- Did they use those little tiny fishes
0:13:29 > 0:13:32- that people have...- To make their feet feel better?
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Yeah, no, they just used to boil the skeletons
0:13:35 > 0:13:37and scrape the meat off by hand.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40The good news about this horrible job is that they only work
0:13:40 > 0:13:41on six-month contracts, so...
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Which is the life expectancy of a dermestid beetle.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47- Right, they die on the job. - They die on the job.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49But speaking of skeletons,
0:13:49 > 0:13:53it's time for a round of that evergreen parlour game favourite.
0:13:57 > 0:14:01OK, let's have a look at our skeletons,
0:14:01 > 0:14:04and who's going to start with number one?
0:14:04 > 0:14:06And be specific, please.
0:14:06 > 0:14:07Its teeth haven't come through.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09You're absolutely right, it's a child,
0:14:09 > 0:14:12because you can actually see the adult teeth waiting to...
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Oh, no, it's not that kid, is it?!
0:14:14 > 0:14:17- No, it's not.- It's not that child, is it?- It's not that child, OK?!
0:14:17 > 0:14:21It's another child that we don't care about!
0:14:21 > 0:14:24That poor kid is a model,
0:14:24 > 0:14:27and then his parents might be just flicking through the TV,
0:14:27 > 0:14:29and they're like, "Argh!"
0:14:29 > 0:14:32This looks like you've spun the world's worst fruit machine!
0:14:39 > 0:14:42Yeah, you can see the teeth waiting to come through there,
0:14:42 > 0:14:45so the process of the old teeth being pushed out is called exfoliation.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47We moved house recently,
0:14:47 > 0:14:52and behind the U-bend under the sink we found this tobacco tin full of
0:14:52 > 0:14:53- children's teeth.- Oh, my God!
0:14:53 > 0:14:56- Yeah, yeah.- Is that where the tooth fairy puts them?
0:14:56 > 0:14:58And I didn't know what we should do with them,
0:14:58 > 0:15:02and I felt really bad because they were obviously the people who lived in the house before us,
0:15:02 > 0:15:06and it's like a family heirloom, so I asked our neighbour if they had a forwarding address for them,
0:15:06 > 0:15:09and they were like, "Yeah, sure". And I...
0:15:12 > 0:15:15I took them to the Post Office and I said, "I need to send this."
0:15:15 > 0:15:19They were like, "What's in the tin?" I was like, "It's children's teeth."
0:15:21 > 0:15:25Anyway, I sent it to them, and I felt really good about myself,
0:15:25 > 0:15:27and then I was talking to my other neighbour, and she said,
0:15:27 > 0:15:30"That's so weird because they didn't have children."
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Oh, my God!
0:15:35 > 0:15:40So I just sent a complete stranger a tin of children's teeth!
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Right, moving on.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Let's go back to our QI ossuary.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Number two, anybody?
0:15:48 > 0:15:49- Is it a vulture?- No, it's not.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51- It is a bird.- Is it an ostrich?
0:15:51 > 0:15:53- You'd think that because of the long neck.- Yes.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55This one is extraordinary,
0:15:55 > 0:15:57because it doesn't look as though it has a long neck.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01But it has 14 vertebrae, so twice as many as a giraffe, and it is...?
0:16:01 > 0:16:03- A chicken.- Turkey. - It's an owl.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06So we never think that, because the owl has got so many feathers,
0:16:06 > 0:16:08but it is how they're able to rotate their heads
0:16:08 > 0:16:09through nearly 360 degrees.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12- That's amazing!- So they only appear short-necked
0:16:12 > 0:16:13because of the feathers.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Also, if you have a look at their eye sockets, they're tubular,
0:16:16 > 0:16:18and that's cos the eyes are so enormous
0:16:18 > 0:16:21and the tubular is the only way to fit such a large eye into the skull.
0:16:21 > 0:16:25- That is an astonishing shot, isn't it?- It's an awesome tattoo as well.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Let's have a look at number three.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29- Is that a bat?- It is a bat.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Here's something I did not know before,
0:16:31 > 0:16:34is that bats' knees face backwards.
0:16:34 > 0:16:38- Oh, yeah.- But despite this, some of them are still very good walkers.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41They recently discovered that vampire bats can chase their prey on foot,
0:16:41 > 0:16:44and we've got some video of a bat walking,
0:16:44 > 0:16:46which is not something that you see very often.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48- Oh, my God.- Whoa.- Yeah, really whoa.
0:16:48 > 0:16:54It's just, like, terrifying that not only can they fly at you in pitch-black, they can also run!
0:16:54 > 0:16:56It's like the worst nightmare.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58- Yeah.- Most nocturnal animals are ugly,
0:16:58 > 0:17:00and that's why they come out at night.
0:17:00 > 0:17:04That's a really offensive thing to say.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08- OK.- Careful, Alan, you're going to get some children's teeth in the post!
0:17:10 > 0:17:13Number four, let's have a quick look.
0:17:13 > 0:17:14The horns are the giveaway.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16- Is it a goat?- Goat.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18No, smaller. Smaller than a goat.
0:17:18 > 0:17:19Reindeer.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Yes, those famous small reindeer!
0:17:23 > 0:17:26- Muntjac.- No, it's called a dik-dik.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28- Oh, yeah.- A "dick pic"?
0:17:28 > 0:17:29A dik-dik.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31No, not a dick pic!
0:17:31 > 0:17:34I'd rather get one of those than a dick pic, to be honest.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Do you know why they're called dik-dik?
0:17:37 > 0:17:40- Cos they've got two dicks. - So good they named it twice.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44- Because they've got two what, darling?- Oh...
0:17:44 > 0:17:46No, it's just I thought...
0:17:46 > 0:17:49Sorry, the rest of the class want to hear it now.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53I was just saying...
0:17:53 > 0:17:56It seemed very important that you wanted to interrupt Sandi.
0:17:56 > 0:18:01I was just... I was just saying that maybe they have two dicks.
0:18:03 > 0:18:04Yeah, no.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09It's the sound they make. It's a sort of warning cry.
0:18:09 > 0:18:10- Dick! Dick!- Yeah.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Dick! Dick!
0:18:17 > 0:18:20The thing I like about them, they are incredibly efficient with water.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22They have the driest poo
0:18:22 > 0:18:25and the most concentrated urine of any ungulate.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29All right. Well, clearly you've never spent a night in Wetherspoon's.
0:18:30 > 0:18:34And an extra point for that, because that's true too, so...
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Your eyes bigger than your nose, that's quite a thing, isn't it?
0:18:37 > 0:18:40I think they're beautiful. They're tiny little things.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42- They live in pairs rather than herds.- Can you buy them?
0:18:42 > 0:18:45- Like, can you have them as pets? - No. You cannot buy one. Well, I...
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Don't google dik-dik.com!
0:18:50 > 0:18:54Let's look at the next one. Number five.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57- Is it a gorilla? - It's really surprising.
0:18:57 > 0:18:58It is not a gorilla.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01What's the thing that always gets you, the klaxon, darling?
0:19:01 > 0:19:03A blue whale.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05It is a whale's fin.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08- No way!- What?!- It looks remarkably like the human hand.
0:19:08 > 0:19:12- That is amazing.- It even has thumb bones, and it's because, of course,
0:19:12 > 0:19:14it's a mammal, and all mammals evolved from an animal
0:19:14 > 0:19:17with the basic skeletal structure
0:19:17 > 0:19:19that includes five protrusions on each hand.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21- So it's basically got mittens on. - Yeah.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25- It's just a dolphin with oven gloves.- Yes.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28Looking for an oven.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Let's have a look at the final one.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33- Is that a camel? - It is a camel.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37It has a straight spine, because the hump is, of course, all fat.
0:19:37 > 0:19:38How can you tell it wasn't a horse?
0:19:38 > 0:19:41- It didn't look like a horse, so... - There's no saddle on it.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46- A camel's got no hoof.- Camel toe. - HE FAKE GIGGLES
0:19:55 > 0:19:57You can use it for anything, anything.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Anything that's slightly... Ooh! I'll sort you out.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02As the old saying goes,
0:20:02 > 0:20:06you can't always tell an organism from its osseous tissue.
0:20:06 > 0:20:07How is that an old saying?!
0:20:09 > 0:20:14In what circumstances does an ant equal a cow?
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Is it something to do with their bone structure or...?
0:20:16 > 0:20:19No, it's to do with counting how many species there are in the world.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22How many species do you think there are in the world of everything,
0:20:22 > 0:20:23all kinds of animals, how many?
0:20:23 > 0:20:25204.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28A billion.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31A billion and one! Ha!
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Weirdly, you're closer, Nish.
0:20:35 > 0:20:40So, we think we know about 8.7 million species.
0:20:40 > 0:20:41Well, what they did,
0:20:41 > 0:20:43they looked at more than 1,000 different environments
0:20:43 > 0:20:45where things live, so you might take a patch of the ocean,
0:20:45 > 0:20:47you might take a cow's rumen,
0:20:47 > 0:20:50you might take an acre of meadow was one
0:20:50 > 0:20:53and they counted all of the total number of species in those areas
0:20:53 > 0:20:55and then they put those into an equation -
0:20:55 > 0:20:59these are the scaling laws - and they were able to estimate
0:20:59 > 0:21:01the total number of organisms in the world.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04So that's all the microbes, that's absolutely everything.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08So the ant and the cow are exactly equal in this instance.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12And they concluded that there are something like 1 trillion species
0:21:12 > 0:21:15of organism currently living on the planet
0:21:15 > 0:21:18and that means we have only discovered one thousandth
0:21:18 > 0:21:22of 1% of the species currently living on Earth.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25- Well, that's enough, though, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:21:25 > 0:21:26Don't you think that astonishing?
0:21:26 > 0:21:29But that's how little we know about what's actually...
0:21:29 > 0:21:30But where do they all live?
0:21:30 > 0:21:33Like, in that bit under the sea that no-one ever goes to?
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Behind your u-bend in a tin.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40It's also estimated that 99% of all species
0:21:40 > 0:21:43that have ever existed on Earth are no longer with us.
0:21:43 > 0:21:44They are extinct.
0:21:44 > 0:21:49Which ferocious beast is the world's most successful hunter?
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Wait, hold on. What is happening?
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Is that Philip Green?
0:21:59 > 0:22:01It looks like you've gone to a fancy dress party
0:22:01 > 0:22:03dressed as Captain Mainwaring!
0:22:04 > 0:22:07It's terrifying. So, most ferocious... Starts with an O.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10What ferocious species is the world's most successful hunter?
0:22:10 > 0:22:11- Hunter...- Starts with an O.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Because hippos are really dangerous, aren't they?
0:22:14 > 0:22:15It starts with an H.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19- Oh, yeah.- Orangutans.
0:22:19 > 0:22:20KLAXON
0:22:24 > 0:22:25Otters.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27KLAXON
0:22:29 > 0:22:32- Er...- Ostrich.- No, it's...
0:22:32 > 0:22:34KLAXON
0:22:36 > 0:22:38The audience have offered up octopus.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Octopus is not it, either. KLAXON
0:22:40 > 0:22:44Not as easy as it looks, is it?!
0:22:44 > 0:22:48It is the creature that belongs to the order Odonata,
0:22:48 > 0:22:49so it is dragonflies.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52- Dragonflies are... - What, they're killer?
0:22:52 > 0:22:53..the most successful hunters.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56They are thought to have the highest hunting success rate
0:22:56 > 0:22:58of any hunting creature on Earth.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02- It's between 90 and 95% success rate.- Wow.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05So, if you compare that to other animals - lions, for example,
0:23:05 > 0:23:07lions will kill at a rate of about 25%.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Bengal tigers about 5%.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12No comfort when one's coming after you, I think.
0:23:12 > 0:23:16And the great white shark has a hit rate of about 50%.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18And here is the unbelievable thing,
0:23:18 > 0:23:21they don't track their prey, they intercept it.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25They calculate where the prey is going to be in the future.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27So instead of chasing it, like a lion might,
0:23:27 > 0:23:29they fly to where it's going to be and catch it there.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32So let's have a quick look. So there it is,
0:23:32 > 0:23:34it just seems to be minding its own business,
0:23:34 > 0:23:37and off it goes to catch its prey.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39- Whoa!- Oh!- Now, let's have another look,
0:23:39 > 0:23:42because let's be really clear about where the prey was coming from.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44So have a look up in the red box,
0:23:44 > 0:23:48and you'll see the prey is coming in, and he's not flying towards it,
0:23:48 > 0:23:52he's flying away from it and over to the right, and catches it.
0:23:52 > 0:23:53And it's the same thing that humans use
0:23:53 > 0:23:56to predict the future when they're catching a ball,
0:23:56 > 0:23:58but we don't really know how they're able to do it.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01But they have this incredible 360 degree vision
0:24:01 > 0:24:03so they can see all around.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05They have no blindspot whatsoever
0:24:05 > 0:24:08and they're able to pick out a single insect in a swarm
0:24:08 > 0:24:10and hunt it and still avoid the other neighbours.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12It is almost like ESP that they're doing, this...
0:24:12 > 0:24:14How can we get them to control the world?
0:24:14 > 0:24:16- Well...- It seems like they should be in charge.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Well, the other thing is that I've got one here
0:24:19 > 0:24:21and they have four wings and the four wings operate
0:24:21 > 0:24:23- independently of each other.- What?!
0:24:23 > 0:24:25So they can fly backwards, they can fly forwards,
0:24:25 > 0:24:27they can fly sideways, they can fly upside down
0:24:27 > 0:24:29and they've been shown that they can still hunt
0:24:29 > 0:24:32even when they're missing an entire wing. If we could work out...
0:24:32 > 0:24:34- All of that and you still have to eat flies.- Yes.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Anyway, there is a downside to being a dragonfly, I think,
0:24:38 > 0:24:40because the mating is very, very odd.
0:24:40 > 0:24:41- So the male has...is a dik-dik.- Oh.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43What does that mean, the male is a dik-dik?
0:24:43 > 0:24:46- Double dick.- It's got two dicks! - Yes!- Two dicks!
0:24:46 > 0:24:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:51 > 0:24:54Well done, Nish. So the male has got two sets of sexual organs,
0:24:54 > 0:24:56so before inseminating the female,
0:24:56 > 0:24:59he sort of has to inseminate himself.
0:24:59 > 0:25:03- He transfers sperm...- Yeah, yeah... I do that as well.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Transfers sperm from his testes to his sperm pouch,
0:25:06 > 0:25:07and then to his penis,
0:25:07 > 0:25:10and he's still not ready to inseminate, because he then...
0:25:10 > 0:25:12He's got a, sort of, shovel-shaped penis,
0:25:12 > 0:25:15and he uses it to scrape out any sperm
0:25:15 > 0:25:17from other males, before he then...
0:25:17 > 0:25:20- ONE PERSON APPLAUDS Yes.- Who is clapping that?!
0:25:20 > 0:25:22What the...?
0:25:22 > 0:25:25- One bloke!- There's a theory that that is why the male penis
0:25:25 > 0:25:27is shaped that way, to remove any sperm,
0:25:27 > 0:25:29because they are assuming that woman
0:25:29 > 0:25:31- probably has had sex with someone else.- So it's a scraper?
0:25:31 > 0:25:33- Yeah, it's a scraper. - Very useful in the winter,
0:25:33 > 0:25:35if your car's frosted over!
0:25:38 > 0:25:40That's what it's for!
0:25:40 > 0:25:41I could do a wing mirror!
0:25:54 > 0:25:57On what other show do you see dragonfly porn? It's rather fun.
0:25:59 > 0:26:00So, 300 million years ago,
0:26:00 > 0:26:02the dragonfly first appears on the Earth.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04- So, to put that into context... - Really?
0:26:04 > 0:26:07- ..humans appear 200,000 years ago, so...- They're amazing.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09- 300 million years? - So, before dinosaurs.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12I mean, this is them obviously having a laugh with dinosaurs,
0:26:12 > 0:26:14but they actually were on the planet.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17- So the Carboniferous period. - I mean, they liked the dinosaurs.
0:26:17 > 0:26:18They hung out with them,
0:26:18 > 0:26:21- but when the end came, they just moved on, you know.- Yeah.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24Now, what is a zookeeper's worst nightmare?
0:26:24 > 0:26:26NISH'S BUZZER
0:26:26 > 0:26:28- Yes?- Planet Of The Apes.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32- I'm going to give you a point for that, very good.- Yes!
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Is it an out of the blue redundancy?
0:26:38 > 0:26:40No. You've mentioned it already.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43- Orangutan? - Orangutans is the absolute answer.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47Why? Are they always filing, sort of, sexual harassment cases?
0:26:47 > 0:26:50They are so adept at escape.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52- Oh, really?- They work cooperatively, they learn very easily,
0:26:52 > 0:26:54they're very patient, they're very determined.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57- They work out your routines. - They do. They absolutely do.
0:26:57 > 0:27:01"It takes him 32 minutes to go and feed the zebras."
0:27:04 > 0:27:06"That is our window, my friend."
0:27:06 > 0:27:08But you're right, Alan!
0:27:08 > 0:27:12They check out the zookeeper's routine and see if there's a flaw.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15And then when he goes, they all put their caps on.
0:27:15 > 0:27:16Put the shirt,
0:27:16 > 0:27:19three of them stand on top of each other as they're walking out.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21But if you accidentally left a tool in an orang-utan's cage,
0:27:21 > 0:27:23they won't pick it up straight away.
0:27:23 > 0:27:24They'll wait till nobody's watching
0:27:24 > 0:27:26and then they'll secrete it about their person
0:27:26 > 0:27:29and wait to use it for future use. They are unbelievably clever.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33There was a wonderful orangutan called Ken Allen, and in the...
0:27:33 > 0:27:34LAUGHTER
0:27:34 > 0:27:37In the 1980s, he was in San Diego Zoo,
0:27:37 > 0:27:41he was known as the Hairy Houdini, and he used to get out all the time,
0:27:41 > 0:27:43and then he'd stroll around having a look at the other animals.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46And he had a fan club called the Orang Gang,
0:27:46 > 0:27:48and they had T-shirts and bumper stickers...
0:27:48 > 0:27:50He printed them all.
0:27:50 > 0:27:54He'd just nip out and get good deals on bumper stickers then come back.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56They couldn't work out how he was getting out,
0:27:56 > 0:27:59so they started to send in plainclothes zookeepers,
0:27:59 > 0:28:01sort of wearing touristy gear and sunglasses
0:28:01 > 0:28:04and trying to look casual, but Ken always spotted them.
0:28:06 > 0:28:10There were nine major break-outs by Ken and his fellow prisoners,
0:28:10 > 0:28:12and according to one local paper,
0:28:12 > 0:28:16"crowds cheering the apes on as keepers ran after them."
0:28:17 > 0:28:20- There's a goat that does that at London zoo.- Is there?
0:28:20 > 0:28:22They have this kind of double gate thing.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24It's quite tricky to get out of, but this goat just goes
0:28:24 > 0:28:27and stands by it as if it's allowed out.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31So people let it out.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37It has an air of authority about it.
0:28:37 > 0:28:40- It's all about confidence. - It's one of the bigger goats.
0:28:40 > 0:28:42- Goes and stands by the gate and looks at you.- Like, hello?
0:28:42 > 0:28:44And they go, "Oh, sorry..."
0:28:44 > 0:28:47I think that's the most British thing I've ever heard in my life.
0:28:47 > 0:28:48It's like, "Oh, if it's queueing properly,
0:28:48 > 0:28:50"it must be allowed out."
0:28:51 > 0:28:53It's like people in high-vis jackets.
0:28:53 > 0:28:54If you put someone in a high-vis jackets,
0:28:54 > 0:28:56they'll just start doing what people say.
0:28:56 > 0:28:58Do not give that goat a high-vis jacket!
0:28:59 > 0:29:04Quick question - what might an orangutan see in Nicole Kidman?
0:29:05 > 0:29:06Botox.
0:29:08 > 0:29:12It's an orangutan called Hsing Hsing in Perth Zoo in Australia.
0:29:12 > 0:29:15Is he thinking, "I've seen her in Moulin Rouge!"
0:29:16 > 0:29:19- He is attracted to...- The redheads. - ..a lovely redhead orangutan
0:29:19 > 0:29:22and he saw a photograph of Nicole Kidman in a magazine.
0:29:22 > 0:29:25He ripped it out and thought, "That'll do. I'll, you know..."
0:29:25 > 0:29:26I've been doing that for years.
0:29:33 > 0:29:35Can't get enough of the Kidman!
0:29:36 > 0:29:38Right, moving on.
0:29:38 > 0:29:41Where's this guy going with that ox,
0:29:41 > 0:29:45and what's he going to do when he gets there?
0:29:45 > 0:29:47Is it like an early boom box?
0:29:50 > 0:29:53I can tell you, as you can see because he's able to lift it,
0:29:53 > 0:29:56that the cow has been hollowed out, and why might...?
0:29:56 > 0:29:59Is it before the invention of birthday cakes,
0:29:59 > 0:30:01people used to get strippers to jump out of cows?
0:30:03 > 0:30:05Yes, it's that.
0:30:05 > 0:30:07Not at a Hindu wedding!
0:30:09 > 0:30:12I hate to say this, but if someone's inviting a stripper to a wedding,
0:30:12 > 0:30:14that wouldn't...
0:30:15 > 0:30:18- Is it to scare off another animal? - It's quite the reverse. It's to...
0:30:18 > 0:30:21- To encourage?- It's to be able to hide. This is Richard Kearton.
0:30:21 > 0:30:23He's one of the world's first wildlife photographers.
0:30:23 > 0:30:25So before the telephoto lens,
0:30:25 > 0:30:28in order to get a close-up, you literally had to get close up.
0:30:28 > 0:30:30So if you wanted to take, for example,
0:30:30 > 0:30:32a photograph of a birds' nest with eggs in it,
0:30:32 > 0:30:35- this is Richard and his brother Cherry Kearton.- Cherry?
0:30:35 > 0:30:38Cherry, I know. They went, "Richard, let's have something different -
0:30:38 > 0:30:41"Cherry!" Richard and Cherry, pioneers of wildlife photography,
0:30:41 > 0:30:43they bought an ox from a butcher.
0:30:43 > 0:30:45They got a taxidermist to hollow it out,
0:30:45 > 0:30:48and they hid themselves in the ox
0:30:48 > 0:30:50with a lens sticking through a hole.
0:30:50 > 0:30:54One day, apparently, Richard fainted inside the ox,
0:30:54 > 0:30:56and it fell over, and his brother...
0:30:56 > 0:30:58LAUGHTER
0:31:00 > 0:31:02That's brilliant! So good!
0:31:04 > 0:31:05Cherry turned up an hour later
0:31:05 > 0:31:08and took the photo before he got his brother out!
0:31:10 > 0:31:12They more or less invented professional nature photography.
0:31:12 > 0:31:15Their subjects ranged from anything from flowers in the Yorkshire Dales
0:31:15 > 0:31:17to lion hunts in Africa.
0:31:17 > 0:31:18And before them,
0:31:18 > 0:31:20most nature photographs were stuffed animals
0:31:20 > 0:31:22placed in natural surroundings.
0:31:22 > 0:31:24But you can see, they abseiled down cliffs,
0:31:24 > 0:31:27they had those astonishing fragile box cameras slung to their backs.
0:31:27 > 0:31:30- He's hot. Like, I'm not going to... - Do you think?- Yeah.
0:31:30 > 0:31:33Cherry Kearton became the Attenborough of his age,
0:31:33 > 0:31:35he moved into wildlife documentaries.
0:31:35 > 0:31:38- AS DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: - Here from inside the ox.- Yes.
0:31:39 > 0:31:41Photographers at the time were very interested
0:31:41 > 0:31:44in what they called instantaneous photography.
0:31:44 > 0:31:46They wanted to capture moments that had never been seen
0:31:46 > 0:31:50by the human eye alone, so they got a mule that was apparently old
0:31:50 > 0:31:52and awaiting euthanasia anyway
0:31:52 > 0:31:55and they wanted to photograph it while it was exploding.
0:31:55 > 0:31:57- Oh, no!- This is a true story.
0:31:57 > 0:32:00The United States School of Submarine Engineers
0:32:00 > 0:32:02strapped 6oz of dynamite to its forehead...
0:32:02 > 0:32:03God, leave men alone long enough,
0:32:03 > 0:32:06they'll just blow something up, won't they?
0:32:06 > 0:32:07They put the shutter of the camera
0:32:07 > 0:32:10and the fuse for the dynamite on the same circuit.
0:32:10 > 0:32:13It went off simultaneously. It was written up in Scientific American.
0:32:13 > 0:32:14What possible thing...?
0:32:14 > 0:32:16What, after it blew up, they were like, "Well, turns out
0:32:16 > 0:32:20- "if you strap dynamite to a mule's head, it's really blows up."- Yes.
0:32:20 > 0:32:22Great science, everybody!
0:32:22 > 0:32:24It was the pilot of Jackass.
0:32:26 > 0:32:28To get the best photos of wildlife,
0:32:28 > 0:32:31the Kearton brothers had to think inside the ox.
0:32:31 > 0:32:33Oh!
0:32:33 > 0:32:36- Terribly pleased with that. - That was good.
0:32:36 > 0:32:39I'm going to give myself a point.
0:32:39 > 0:32:42What use is an ostrich in a car factory?
0:32:42 > 0:32:45- Are they indestructible?- So...
0:32:45 > 0:32:48You can use them as, like, a crash test dummy.
0:32:48 > 0:32:53No. No, it's not that. So I'm going to give these out.
0:32:53 > 0:32:56- Oh, dusters.- There you go, these are ostrich feathers,
0:32:56 > 0:32:59so what might you use them for?
0:32:59 > 0:33:02Get yourself one of them, love.
0:33:03 > 0:33:05What might you use it for in a car factory?
0:33:05 > 0:33:07Are the BBC just trying to cut back on cleaning,
0:33:07 > 0:33:09and just having us just dust down the set?
0:33:09 > 0:33:11Well, cleaning is the thing, Nish.
0:33:11 > 0:33:13It is in those hi-tech, very robotic factories
0:33:13 > 0:33:15where they make cars,
0:33:15 > 0:33:18ostrich feathers are still the best thing to dust the cars.
0:33:18 > 0:33:20- This is the softest I've ever... - Yes, well, there's the point.
0:33:20 > 0:33:24So they have these sort of giant rollers, a bit like a car wash,
0:33:24 > 0:33:25made of ostrich feathers.
0:33:25 > 0:33:27Female feathers apparently work best.
0:33:27 > 0:33:30- Of course.- Cleaning, innit? Bound to be...
0:33:31 > 0:33:33I knew you were going to say that!
0:33:35 > 0:33:38This from the man who said he could scrape the ice off a wing mirror
0:33:38 > 0:33:39with his cock!
0:33:41 > 0:33:45- We're doing that experiment in the next series.- I offered to try!
0:33:45 > 0:33:47So female feathers are the best.
0:33:47 > 0:33:49There are lots of grades, whose names are fantastic.
0:33:49 > 0:33:51Whites are the best.
0:33:51 > 0:33:54Come on, Sandi, I'm sat right here! Jesus!
0:33:54 > 0:33:56Just nick that out and make that a ring tone.
0:33:57 > 0:33:59"Whites are the best."
0:34:00 > 0:34:05There's whites, feminas, spads, blues, blacks, drabs and floss.
0:34:05 > 0:34:06All wonderful names, aren't they?
0:34:06 > 0:34:09Farming, which began in South Africa in 1838,
0:34:09 > 0:34:12allowed the feathers to be taken annually without killing the bird
0:34:12 > 0:34:14and they became very important for...
0:34:14 > 0:34:17What's the biggest product they were famous for?
0:34:17 > 0:34:21- Eggs.- No, hats. Hats, ostrich feathers in hats.- Yeah.
0:34:21 > 0:34:24So meat was almost a by-product. And they were traded in the City.
0:34:24 > 0:34:27A pound of ostrich feathers during World War I were worth
0:34:27 > 0:34:29not much less than a pound of diamonds.
0:34:29 > 0:34:321990s, there was a boom in Britain for farming them for their meat,
0:34:32 > 0:34:34and a really strange thing happened.
0:34:34 > 0:34:36They kept seeing the birds doing these courtship displays,
0:34:36 > 0:34:39which they're famous for, but they weren't laying many eggs.
0:34:39 > 0:34:42So they were doing this courtship ritual.
0:34:42 > 0:34:46Cariad, you've just made several ostriches very horny.
0:34:46 > 0:34:50What they discovered, Nish, was that be in captivity confused them
0:34:50 > 0:34:54and they were trying to seduce the farmers and not other birds.
0:34:57 > 0:34:58And it turns out it didn't matter
0:34:58 > 0:35:01the sex of the farmer or the sex of the bird,
0:35:01 > 0:35:04they were not fussed, whoever was in charge, I'm for you.
0:35:06 > 0:35:09This is a funny thing that happened to someone I know.
0:35:09 > 0:35:12LAUGHTER
0:35:12 > 0:35:13Not me.
0:35:14 > 0:35:18A friend of mine was in Australia and there's lots of wildlife parks
0:35:18 > 0:35:22where you can mingle with the kangaroos and the emus.
0:35:23 > 0:35:27And they said, "If an emu should come towards you,
0:35:27 > 0:35:30"you have the become an emu as well and then they'll back off.
0:35:30 > 0:35:33"So you put your arm up and then do that."
0:35:33 > 0:35:37- They were messing about.- And they were absolutely messing about.
0:35:40 > 0:35:43And this girl became of interest to an emu
0:35:43 > 0:35:45and she started going like this.
0:35:45 > 0:35:48"It's still coming for me! What are you doing?"
0:35:48 > 0:35:53And no-one could do anything for her cos they were crying with laughter.
0:35:53 > 0:35:56And if anything it made her more attractive
0:35:56 > 0:36:00and more interesting to the emu, saying, "What is that?"
0:36:00 > 0:36:03So what happened at the end of this terrible story?
0:36:03 > 0:36:08- She's married to an emu.- She's been living in the zoo ever since.
0:36:08 > 0:36:11The orangutan is going to bust her out in a bit.
0:36:11 > 0:36:14You can't beat a good old ostrich feather duster,
0:36:14 > 0:36:16if you want a nice clean car.
0:36:16 > 0:36:18Now, my little organisms, fingers on buzzers, please,
0:36:18 > 0:36:21as we enter the phylum of General Ignorance.
0:36:21 > 0:36:24Cats versus birds - who's winning?
0:36:25 > 0:36:28- Birds.- Oh, why do you say that?
0:36:28 > 0:36:30Cos there are bought more birds than cats.
0:36:30 > 0:36:32In a way, that's correct,
0:36:32 > 0:36:35but would you not think that cats were attacking birds in the garden?
0:36:35 > 0:36:38Are some birds attacking cats, is that what you're saying?
0:36:38 > 0:36:41No, it's that there's no scientific evidence that predation by cats
0:36:41 > 0:36:43is having any impact on the bird population of the UK.
0:36:43 > 0:36:47If birds are being preyed upon, do they lay more eggs and breed more?
0:36:47 > 0:36:50It's just the ones being caught by cats would probably die anyway.
0:36:50 > 0:36:52They're underweight or sickly.
0:36:52 > 0:36:54They're not catching the good, strong ones.
0:36:54 > 0:36:57So it's not really having a big effect on the bird population.
0:36:57 > 0:36:58But they kill millions.
0:36:58 > 0:37:01They kill 55 million birds,
0:37:01 > 0:37:04but it isn't causing the population of the birds to decrease.
0:37:04 > 0:37:07In fact, blue tits, which are recorded as the number two thing
0:37:07 > 0:37:10that they catch, they've increased their population
0:37:10 > 0:37:12by more than a quarter in the last century.
0:37:12 > 0:37:13So it doesn't seem to have any great effect.
0:37:13 > 0:37:16"You tried to defeat us, but we got stronger!"
0:37:16 > 0:37:18The only time cats seem to be a major threat is when there's
0:37:18 > 0:37:20a new housing development near a vulnerable population.
0:37:20 > 0:37:22They hate new architecture.
0:37:22 > 0:37:25- They get so and the about it. - Drives them mad.
0:37:25 > 0:37:29How did all that oestrogen get into our water?
0:37:30 > 0:37:31Yes, darling?
0:37:31 > 0:37:33Um...
0:37:33 > 0:37:38What happened was, I put my hand down on the table,
0:37:38 > 0:37:41but I forgot that it was on the buzzer.
0:37:41 > 0:37:43- Yeah.- So I pressed the buzzer.
0:37:43 > 0:37:48So, I guess what I'm saying is they have two dicks.
0:37:49 > 0:37:53Is it cos loads of women take the pill, and then they piss it out,
0:37:53 > 0:37:54and it goes back in?
0:37:54 > 0:37:58You did two in one go there, you did pill and urine.
0:38:07 > 0:38:09- No is the answer. - Is that not true?
0:38:09 > 0:38:12- Cos a lot of people claim that. - People do think that.
0:38:12 > 0:38:14Is it cos Mother Nature's a woman?
0:38:14 > 0:38:17No, well, we reckon that the pill is responsible
0:38:17 > 0:38:20for about 1% only of the oestrogen found in the water supply,
0:38:20 > 0:38:22according to an American study.
0:38:22 > 0:38:2590% of the oestrogen entering into the water
0:38:25 > 0:38:27is the run-off from livestock manure.
0:38:27 > 0:38:29The important thing, although oestrogen is the primary
0:38:29 > 0:38:32female sex hormone, of course men have it as well.
0:38:32 > 0:38:34Same as women have testosterone.
0:38:34 > 0:38:36And in men didn't have oestrogen, what would happen to them?
0:38:36 > 0:38:39It's the light, it's the light. Everyone is looking at that picture.
0:38:39 > 0:38:43It's the light. It's not what do you think.
0:38:43 > 0:38:44It's just the light.
0:38:44 > 0:38:48- Yeah, it's just glinting off that freshly ostrich-buffed car.- Yeah.
0:38:48 > 0:38:51Why would you have swimming trunks made out of silk?
0:38:51 > 0:38:54I think those two women are going,
0:38:54 > 0:38:56"If you could just leave us two alone."
0:38:56 > 0:38:58So, men have to have oestrogen.
0:38:58 > 0:39:01If they don't have oestrogen, what happens to them?
0:39:01 > 0:39:05- They become ladies.- Well, they get a male menopause is the thing.
0:39:05 > 0:39:08They start putting on weight and have a diminished libido.
0:39:08 > 0:39:10It's like babies when you're breast-feeding them.
0:39:10 > 0:39:13In the beginning, little baby girls can have periods
0:39:13 > 0:39:15in the first month because they've taken your oestrogen.
0:39:15 > 0:39:17- I did not know that. - Yeah, it's true.
0:39:17 > 0:39:21- Is that the first time you've ever had that experience?- What?
0:39:21 > 0:39:22Not knowing something.
0:39:22 > 0:39:25LAUGHTER
0:39:25 > 0:39:29APPLAUSE
0:39:31 > 0:39:33During World War II,
0:39:33 > 0:39:36how did the Allies hope to use oestrogen against the Nazis?
0:39:38 > 0:39:40This is a great story, I love this story.
0:39:40 > 0:39:44Is it cos it's really hard to say in a German accent?
0:39:44 > 0:39:46It's the OSS, the Office of Strategic Services,
0:39:46 > 0:39:48the predecessor to the CIA. And they had a plan.
0:39:48 > 0:39:50What were they going to do with oestrogen?
0:39:50 > 0:39:53Were they going to put oestrogen in their water
0:39:53 > 0:39:55cos they thought it would stop them having babies?
0:39:55 > 0:39:57- It was one Nazi in particular. - Hitler.- Hitler.
0:39:57 > 0:40:00He's the one you've got to watch.
0:40:00 > 0:40:02He's the one. I'm going to call it.
0:40:02 > 0:40:04He's the one you want to keep your eye on.
0:40:04 > 0:40:08They came to the conclusion that on the male/female spectrum,
0:40:08 > 0:40:10Hitler was somewhere in the middle.
0:40:11 > 0:40:14And they thought, if they could just tip him over the edge,
0:40:14 > 0:40:16the Germans would stop following him.
0:40:16 > 0:40:20So they were going to get the Fuhrer's gardeners to inject
0:40:20 > 0:40:22the vegetables with oestrogen.
0:40:22 > 0:40:23He had food tasters for poison,
0:40:23 > 0:40:26but obviously oestrogen is totally tasteless and odourless
0:40:26 > 0:40:28and nobody knows if it was tried and failed
0:40:28 > 0:40:30or what happened to this plot.
0:40:30 > 0:40:32Or maybe it was just vetoed because it was ridiculous.
0:40:32 > 0:40:35He just got really weepy one mealtime.
0:40:35 > 0:40:37"It's mine, and you cooked it for me
0:40:37 > 0:40:40"and I really appreciate it so much.
0:40:40 > 0:40:44"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Just ignore them, ignore them."
0:40:44 > 0:40:47- That's what it was like. Poor Hitler.- That's what they...
0:40:47 > 0:40:50LAUGHTER
0:40:52 > 0:40:55Poor Hitler. That's the trailer for this episode.
0:40:57 > 0:41:00I love the fact that anything he's doing, you're like, yeah,
0:41:00 > 0:41:02I bet you do that you, you prick.
0:41:02 > 0:41:05Yeah, I bet you'd like to have a picnic on a blanket,
0:41:05 > 0:41:07you piece of shit.
0:41:10 > 0:41:11Anyway...
0:41:11 > 0:41:14I'm trying to work out, it looks like he's carving an onion.
0:41:14 > 0:41:16No, I think he's peeling an apple.
0:41:16 > 0:41:19Yeah, peeling an apple, like an idiot.
0:41:20 > 0:41:23Most of the oestrogen in our water comes from manure
0:41:23 > 0:41:25and not women's urine.
0:41:25 > 0:41:28Why do cows lie down?
0:41:28 > 0:41:30Is it cos they're tired?
0:41:30 > 0:41:33Yes, because they can't be arsed to stand any longer.
0:41:33 > 0:41:35It's fair play.
0:41:35 > 0:41:38So, some people think that they lie down because it's going to rain.
0:41:38 > 0:41:41The fact is, cows get up and down 14 or so times a day,
0:41:41 > 0:41:44and at some point it may rain, because...
0:41:47 > 0:41:49They're a herd animal, so one of them will lie down,
0:41:49 > 0:41:52the others will think, "That is a marvellous idea."
0:41:52 > 0:41:54"Totally going to do that."
0:41:54 > 0:41:58Sometimes they do it cos they're cold, and it keeps their stomachs warm.
0:41:58 > 0:42:00- They don't want a dry patch, then? - No.
0:42:00 > 0:42:03- I thought that's why they do it. - They're not that forward-thinking.
0:42:03 > 0:42:05Dogs know it's going to rain, don't they?
0:42:05 > 0:42:07They can feel something in the air that we can't,
0:42:07 > 0:42:09and then they'll start going under the bed.
0:42:09 > 0:42:13"The dog's gone under the bed, go and get the washing in."
0:42:13 > 0:42:16I don't think they're that forward-thinking, if I'm honest with you.
0:42:16 > 0:42:19No? I think you're under-estimating the cow.
0:42:19 > 0:42:22I think what we're saying is no cow is a reliable weather forecaster.
0:42:22 > 0:42:26If you see cows lying down, it means one thing.
0:42:26 > 0:42:28Cows enjoy lying down.
0:42:28 > 0:42:30And so the scores.
0:42:30 > 0:42:34At the bottom of the taxonomic table tonight with a fabulous -35,
0:42:34 > 0:42:35it's Alan!
0:42:35 > 0:42:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:39 > 0:42:44Just emerging from the primordial soup with -22, it's Holly!
0:42:44 > 0:42:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:48 > 0:42:54Slowly developing the ability to walk on land, with -6, Nish!
0:42:55 > 0:42:58Two dicks, two dicks!
0:42:58 > 0:43:01And swinging through the trees like a good 'un,
0:43:01 > 0:43:03it's our winner with -5, Cariad!
0:43:03 > 0:43:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:12 > 0:43:15And tonight's Objectionable Object prize
0:43:15 > 0:43:19is this lovely pair of mink penis bone earrings!
0:43:19 > 0:43:21There we are, congratulations!
0:43:21 > 0:43:24Thank you. Thank you so much.
0:43:27 > 0:43:33- Anyone?- Thank you to Holly, Nish, Cariad and Alan.
0:43:33 > 0:43:36And we leave you with the words of the epigramist Logan Pearsall Smith,
0:43:36 > 0:43:38who wrote in one of his books,
0:43:38 > 0:43:41"These pieces of moral prose have been written, dear reader,
0:43:41 > 0:43:43"by a large carnivorous mammal,
0:43:43 > 0:43:46"belonging to that sub-order of the animal kingdom
0:43:46 > 0:43:48"which includes also the orangutan,
0:43:48 > 0:43:52"the tusked gorilla, the baboon with his bright blue and scarlet bottom,
0:43:52 > 0:43:54"and the gentle chimpanzee."
0:43:54 > 0:43:57From all the animals at QI, scarlet-bottomed and otherwise,
0:43:57 > 0:43:59until next time, goodbye.