0:00:33 > 0:00:36Hello and welcome to QI, tonight...
0:00:36 > 0:00:37SHE IMITATES BUBBLES
0:00:37 > 0:00:39..we are setting sail.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41LAUGHTER
0:00:41 > 0:00:42I do all me own effects.
0:00:42 > 0:00:48Tonight, we are setting sail for the open oceans, so without further ado,
0:00:48 > 0:00:49let's meet our crew.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Floundering about, it's David Mitchell!
0:00:52 > 0:00:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:57 > 0:01:02Just for the "halibut", Aisling Bea!
0:01:02 > 0:01:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:06 > 0:01:09All over the "plaice", Joe Lycett!
0:01:09 > 0:01:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:14 > 0:01:16And never mind the "pollocks",
0:01:16 > 0:01:18it's Alan Davies!
0:01:18 > 0:01:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Right, let's hear their call signs.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27David goes...
0:01:27 > 0:01:31MUSIC: How Deep Is The Ocean? by Irving Berlin
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Aisling goes...
0:01:33 > 0:01:36MUSIC: My Bonnie Lies Over The Ocean
0:01:36 > 0:01:37Tune!
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Joe goes...
0:01:41 > 0:01:43SKA VERSION: I Do Like To Be Beside The Seaside
0:01:46 > 0:01:48..and Alan goes...
0:01:48 > 0:01:51KIDS SING: Row, Row, Row Your Boat
0:01:54 > 0:01:56We were all so happy!
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Agh!
0:02:03 > 0:02:07Right, we start off with how many oceans are there on Earth?
0:02:07 > 0:02:08- Oh... No...- Six!
0:02:08 > 0:02:09I can count them.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12KLAXON BLARES
0:02:13 > 0:02:15First time on the show.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Straight into that trap. Any more?
0:02:18 > 0:02:19- Five.- Five!
0:02:19 > 0:02:22KLAXON BLARES
0:02:22 > 0:02:23One!
0:02:23 > 0:02:25One is the correct answer.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28- Well, they're all joined, aren't they?- That is the reason! Indeed.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30According to America's National Oceanic
0:02:30 > 0:02:33and Atmospheric Administration, there's only one ocean.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37It's the World Ocean and it covers 71% of the world's surface.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39So, to make it a bit more convenient,
0:02:39 > 0:02:42they divide it into four smaller oceans - the Pacific, the Atlantic,
0:02:42 > 0:02:45the Indian and the Arctic.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48And the US Board on Geographic Names recognises the Southern,
0:02:48 > 0:02:50that's the Antarctic Ocean, as a fifth,
0:02:50 > 0:02:54but the International Hydrographic Organisation
0:02:54 > 0:02:55has not yet approved it,
0:02:55 > 0:02:58and I imagine there's going to be a fight.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00LAUGHTER
0:03:00 > 0:03:01They are a fantastic organisation,
0:03:01 > 0:03:04and one of the things that they do is tables of tonnage,
0:03:04 > 0:03:08and this affected me because I had this very strange trip once
0:03:08 > 0:03:11where I canoed across Africa, I canoed the whole of the Zambezi...
0:03:11 > 0:03:14- You can't canoe across Africa! - You can.- That's a lie.- No, the...
0:03:14 > 0:03:19There's sand and desert, you can't canoe across Africa.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21So, I went on this mythical river...
0:03:21 > 0:03:25LAUGHTER ..1,700 miles across Africa,
0:03:25 > 0:03:27and when you get to the Indian Ocean, the harbour master said,
0:03:27 > 0:03:29"How many tonnes?
0:03:29 > 0:03:32- "Because I need to write it down in the table of tonnage."- So rude!
0:03:32 > 0:03:34It's true! It was...
0:03:34 > 0:03:36LAUGHTER
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Well, it was just me and a canoe, and the minimum tonnage was
0:03:39 > 0:03:44half a tonne, so I went into the Indian Ocean weighing half a tonne.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47- Half a tonne of Toksvig, next!- Next!
0:03:47 > 0:03:50So I'll be on some register somewhere in Mozambique.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53- Tell me about this canoe.- OK, so, it is a really wonderful story.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56My father came home one day, we were living in New York,
0:03:56 > 0:03:58and we had a very small swimming pool, and he came home,
0:03:58 > 0:04:03he possibly had had a drink, and he said, "I've bought the canoe
0:04:03 > 0:04:06"that Livingston charted the Zambezi with." And he very proudly...
0:04:06 > 0:04:08It's a wooden canoe and it comes in two halves,
0:04:08 > 0:04:10which you can lock together, and he put this canoe,
0:04:10 > 0:04:12and we have a wonderful picture of my dad in our swimming pool
0:04:12 > 0:04:14drinking whisky in this canoe, and years later,
0:04:14 > 0:04:16the BBC said to me, "Would you like to make a journey?"
0:04:16 > 0:04:19And I said, "Well, as it happens, my dad had the canoe,
0:04:19 > 0:04:21"and I've got it now, that charted the Zambezi,
0:04:21 > 0:04:23"and I would like to actually take it down the Zambezi."
0:04:23 > 0:04:26- Sounds like a 100-year-old... - No, turns out it was built in 1954.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29LAUGHTER
0:04:29 > 0:04:31My dad was sold a complete pup.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36It has now been down the Zambezi!
0:04:36 > 0:04:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Largest ocean in the solar system, anybody?
0:04:45 > 0:04:47In the solar system?
0:04:47 > 0:04:50- What do we reckon?- It's not going to be an ocean with water in it.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Well, that is the thing that we do not know.
0:04:53 > 0:04:54It's one of the moons.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Is it the one...?
0:04:56 > 0:04:57Eucalyptus?
0:04:57 > 0:04:59LAUGHTER
0:04:59 > 0:05:01- What's it called? - Titan. It's bound to be Titan.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03- That's the only moon.- Euripides? - Europa.- Europa.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06I'm going to give you an extra point for that, because, yeah, very good.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Absolutely.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10APPLAUSE
0:05:10 > 0:05:12It's Jupiter's moon, Europa.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15The Hubble Telescope has detected a water plume
0:05:15 > 0:05:17which is 20 times higher than Mount Everest.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21So, possibly there is three times as much water on Europa
0:05:21 > 0:05:23as there is in the World Ocean.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25- If it's water. - If... It's hard to say.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29- We don't know what... It could be custard.- Yes!- Famously.
0:05:29 > 0:05:30Jupiter custard.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34If it's custard, where were the eggs sourced?
0:05:34 > 0:05:36LAUGHTER
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Are you worrying about the organic nature of Jupiter?
0:05:39 > 0:05:41No, I wouldn't mind if it's sort of powdered custard,
0:05:41 > 0:05:43but either way, you've got to think,
0:05:43 > 0:05:45where's the vanilla come from? The eggs?
0:05:45 > 0:05:47You've got to think about it scientifically.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50That's one of the things that means it probably isn't custard.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53- Yes.- That's why they've jumped to water.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55I'm examining it properly.
0:05:55 > 0:05:59Please don't let this be caught by you, this system that David employs.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04I like powdered custard.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06- AISLING:- Well, you heard it here first.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09How has this happened to me?
0:06:11 > 0:06:14So, the etymology of ocean? Anybody know where it comes from?
0:06:14 > 0:06:17- Billy, it's named after Billy. - Billy!
0:06:17 > 0:06:22It's great Oceanus, the great river or sea surrounding...
0:06:22 > 0:06:24well, the only known land masses at the time,
0:06:24 > 0:06:28Eurasia and Africa, and the river was personified by Oceanus,
0:06:28 > 0:06:31son of Uranus for the Earth and Gaia from the sky.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33A big, muscular fella, wasn't he?
0:06:33 > 0:06:36- AISLING:- He looks like he owns a Shoreditch coffee bar.
0:06:36 > 0:06:37LAUGHTER
0:06:42 > 0:06:45"Oh, my God, we've got every sort of coffee you could imagine.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47"We've got the stuff made by weasels, we've got..."
0:06:49 > 0:06:51And he was married to his sister!
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Listen, don't knock it till you've tried it!
0:06:55 > 0:06:58How many kids do you think they had? He and his sister Tethys.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Three kids, six heads.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:07 > 0:07:106,000.
0:07:10 > 0:07:126,000. 3,000 boy river gods and...
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Were they all like tadpoles?
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Yeah, 3,000 girl sea nymphs.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19There's no picture of her, cos she just couldn't sit still.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24There's just one ocean on Earth
0:07:24 > 0:07:27and that's why it's called the ocean.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29I call it the sea.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34I think "the ocean" is a bit of an Americanism.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36I think we should have waited till Series S.
0:07:41 > 0:07:46Right, moving on, what's the scariest thing about this?
0:07:48 > 0:07:50MUSIC: Theme from Jaws
0:07:53 > 0:07:54Isn't that incredible?
0:07:54 > 0:07:57What is the most scary thing about it?
0:07:57 > 0:08:02That the cameraman never lived to see his movie be shown on QI?
0:08:02 > 0:08:04What do you think is the most scary thing about it?
0:08:04 > 0:08:05- DAVID AND ALAN:- The teeth.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07KLAXON BLARES
0:08:09 > 0:08:12The fact that they can't go backwards.
0:08:12 > 0:08:13SILENCE
0:08:13 > 0:08:14LAUGHTER
0:08:16 > 0:08:19I'm sorry, that takes them a bit long to type!
0:08:21 > 0:08:23KLAXON BLARES
0:08:23 > 0:08:24LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:33 > 0:08:36- What's scary is subjective, really, isn't it?- What is the scariest?
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Well, our perception of sharks is apparently shaped
0:08:39 > 0:08:42by footage in nature documentaries,
0:08:42 > 0:08:45which tends to be accompanied by ominous music.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48So the thing that really scares you in it is ominous music.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50So, they did a study at the University of California,
0:08:50 > 0:08:53and they showed three clips of sharks to participants.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55So, the one that we've just seen, with the ominous music,
0:08:55 > 0:08:57here's one with silence.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00"Hello, my friend!"
0:09:00 > 0:09:02LAUGHTER
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Oh...
0:09:07 > 0:09:09HE IMITATES RUFFLING A DOG
0:09:11 > 0:09:16Ahhhhhhhhh...
0:09:16 > 0:09:19- # Ahhhhh-h-h-h-h! # - Have a look at this.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23HE VOCALISES
0:09:23 > 0:09:27Do you know what? There's a whole show for you, Alan,
0:09:27 > 0:09:30in just doing fish impersonations.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34We had the trout faking her orgasm last series.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36They've done that.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38LAUGHTER
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Different orgasm, same trout.
0:09:45 > 0:09:46LAUGHTER
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Can you do shark that has an orgasm?
0:09:50 > 0:09:52HE LAUGHS
0:09:53 > 0:09:58Ahh... Ah, oh!
0:09:58 > 0:09:59LAUGHTER
0:10:02 > 0:10:03Mildly surprised!
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Because they don't know they're going to have an orgasm,
0:10:07 > 0:10:09they haven't learned about orgasms
0:10:09 > 0:10:11or experimented with themselves, I imagine.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Then, when they have an orgasm the first time,
0:10:13 > 0:10:14it must be very alarming.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16My worry is watching you do them
0:10:16 > 0:10:19that you haven't seen someone have one before.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22LAUGHTER
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Ohhh-oh!
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Ohhh-oh! Oh-oh!
0:10:28 > 0:10:31When they do it for the second or the third time,
0:10:31 > 0:10:34then they're much more, ahhhhh...
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Ah...
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Aaaah...
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Is everything OK at home, Alan?
0:10:43 > 0:10:46LAUGHTER
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Anyway!
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Let's have a look at the same clip with uplifting music.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55MUSIC: Morning from Peer Gynt by Edvard Grieg
0:11:01 > 0:11:04But here's the thing, they aren't actually that dangerous.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07And the thought is that the ominous nature of documentaries
0:11:07 > 0:11:10leads the public to have a distrust of sharks and that, in turn,
0:11:10 > 0:11:11harms their conservation funding.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15The truth is sharks kill, worldwide, about six people a year,
0:11:15 > 0:11:19and the same number are killed by livestock in Britain alone.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23So, a cow - more likely to do you in than a shark.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Ants - they kill 30 people a year.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27- Jellyfish...- What, how?
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Luring them across the road.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31LAUGHTER
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Which do you think is the most dangerous out of all those animals,
0:11:40 > 0:11:41in terms of human deaths?
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Well, I know hippos are real psychos.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Yeah, it is the hippo. Absolutely, they kill...
0:11:46 > 0:11:47Psychos!
0:11:47 > 0:11:49"That hippo's a psycho, man!"
0:11:49 > 0:11:522,900 people a year are killed by hippos.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55- Really?- Compare that to six people killed by sharks.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58You are 1,000 times more likely to drown in the sea
0:11:58 > 0:12:01than you are to be bitten by a shark, even in an area with sharks.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03I saw sharks up close once - they feed them,
0:12:03 > 0:12:07the man puts chainmail on his arm and you all sit in a circle,
0:12:07 > 0:12:09and they appear, the group, like, out of the fog,
0:12:09 > 0:12:11you don't see them, they are incredibly fast,
0:12:11 > 0:12:14and then he's giving them fish in his chainmail hand.
0:12:14 > 0:12:18- Why are you handing the food up? - Because you're sitting on the floor
0:12:18 > 0:12:20and they are all above you, all around you.
0:12:20 > 0:12:21- Are we talking about sharks?- Yes.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23I just don't understand why you're on the floor
0:12:23 > 0:12:25and they are in the sky above you.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29Because the environment is all sub aqua, that's what he's saying.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Oh, they're underwater!
0:12:33 > 0:12:37Complete the plotline of the story so the audience understand!
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Have you totally understood the theme of the show?
0:12:39 > 0:12:44- If you look here, just look here for a brief moment...- Yes, yes?
0:12:44 > 0:12:48A kids' party is about to happen. I understand.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50So, talking about the danger of sharks,
0:12:50 > 0:12:52the contrast of sharks killing six people -
0:12:52 > 0:12:55more than a million sharks are killed by people every year.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57So, we are much more of a danger to sharks than they are to us.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00They get caught in fishing nets, it's grim.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03I've got to stop killing sharks, man. I keep doing it!
0:13:03 > 0:13:05You know that wonderful tune written by John Williams,
0:13:05 > 0:13:06the two-note theme to Jaws?
0:13:06 > 0:13:09He described it as "grinding away at you just as a shark would do -
0:13:09 > 0:13:12"instinctual, relentless and unstoppable."
0:13:12 > 0:13:14So, here's the thing - the film is two hours and 10 minutes,
0:13:14 > 0:13:19but the shark doesn't appear until 81 minutes in. Do you know why?
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Because it was a very diva-ish shark,
0:13:22 > 0:13:25it sort of refused to turn up at the right time.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27That is actually the right answer.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:31 > 0:13:32What?!
0:13:35 > 0:13:38It was a mechanical shark and it kept breaking down,
0:13:38 > 0:13:41so they had to keep finding creative ways to shoot round it,
0:13:41 > 0:13:44so in a sense, the shark wouldn't come out of the trailer.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Jaws, of course, based on the book of the same name by Peter Benchley.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50I have some working titles that he first thought of.
0:13:50 > 0:13:51The Stillness In The Water,
0:13:51 > 0:13:52The Jaws Of Death,
0:13:52 > 0:13:54but my favourite -
0:13:54 > 0:13:56What's That Noshing On My Leg?
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Do you think in the book that he had typed,
0:14:04 > 0:14:06"Doo-doo... Doo-doo...
0:14:06 > 0:14:08"Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo..."?
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Page 2 - "Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo..."
0:14:10 > 0:14:12"Oh, this thing's writing itself!"
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Benchley actually has a shark named after him.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Etmopterus benchleyi.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22It's not exactly a killer, it's about 30-50cm long,
0:14:22 > 0:14:25also known as ninja lantern shark.
0:14:25 > 0:14:26It's fairly recently discovered,
0:14:26 > 0:14:28it lives off the coast of Central America.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31We don't have one, obviously, in the studio.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34But I have a life-size cut-out. It looks like that. It's rather sweet.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36That's the size it is in real life?
0:14:36 > 0:14:39That's the size of the one that Peter Benchley, who wrote Jaws,
0:14:39 > 0:14:42- has got named after him. - That is pathetic.- Yeah?
0:14:42 > 0:14:43THIS is a shark.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45LAUGHTER
0:14:51 > 0:14:52HE IMITATES JAWS THEME
0:14:52 > 0:14:56- Rarr!- But see, you couldn't help yourself but do the music,
0:14:56 > 0:14:59you immediately went... ALL IMITATE JAWS THEME
0:14:59 > 0:15:01So he looks really nice and friendly there.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03He looks rather sweet.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06It's got lots of things on the side that says you shouldn't do.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09But it doesn't say don't swim with actual sharks.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11That is not the smallest shark, though,
0:15:11 > 0:15:12the one named after Benchley.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14The dwarf lantern shark is the smallest,
0:15:14 > 0:15:16and it grows to only about 15 centimetres.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Aw!
0:15:18 > 0:15:21I'd say, you know, a couple of those on a pizza, a bit of tomato...
0:15:23 > 0:15:24Their stomach organs emit light
0:15:24 > 0:15:27to camouflage them from creatures below, so it makes them
0:15:27 > 0:15:29blend into the sunlight that streams from the light above.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32My favourite shark that I've ever seen was Joe Lycett
0:15:32 > 0:15:33in a swimming pool in Canada.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36We were doing a gig there together and you know your little, like...
0:15:36 > 0:15:38- Oh, yeah.- Your shark that he does in the pool.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40But you don't see Joe coming.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43And then he goes... # Der-da! Der-da! Der-da... #
0:15:43 > 0:15:46SHE IMITATES RIFF: I Love You Baby
0:15:46 > 0:15:48LAUGHTER
0:15:48 > 0:15:51There was a gay Jaws, as well, that I did,
0:15:51 > 0:15:53which was # Der-da! Der-da! Der-da... #
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Oooh!
0:15:55 > 0:15:58"Scared of me? Shut up!"
0:15:58 > 0:16:00LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:06 > 0:16:10Did you know that female sharks can reproduce without male contact?
0:16:10 > 0:16:11Finally!
0:16:13 > 0:16:17- Living the dream.- It is almost impossible to sneak up on a shark,
0:16:17 > 0:16:19and that's because they have eyes on the side of their head.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23They can see behind them just as well as they can see in front.
0:16:23 > 0:16:24I'm very...
0:16:24 > 0:16:26LAUGHTER
0:16:29 > 0:16:31So, they've got two blind spots.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34One directly in front of them, and one behind.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36I'm interested that someone has worked out
0:16:36 > 0:16:40how difficult it is to sneak up on a shark.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42That would involve someone seeing a shark and thinking,
0:16:42 > 0:16:45"I tell you what, I'm going to sneak up on it.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49"I'm going to give that shark the fright of its life."
0:16:51 > 0:16:55- Who...- "Do you know, it's really difficult to sneak up on them!"
0:16:55 > 0:16:57The kid's going... # Der-da! Der-da! Der-da... #
0:16:57 > 0:17:00Who would like to see a shark which can bite chunks
0:17:00 > 0:17:03- out of a submarine? Who would like to see?- Yeah. Yes, please.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06OK, I don't even... Alan, can you lift that up, darling?
0:17:06 > 0:17:08It's very heavy. Here we have...
0:17:08 > 0:17:10ALAN GROANS
0:17:10 > 0:17:12So butch.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14I shat that out earlier.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17LAUGHTER
0:17:20 > 0:17:24There it is, I don't know if you can...if you can see it that well.
0:17:29 > 0:17:33You're going to be so sorry, because the expert who's brought that in
0:17:33 > 0:17:35is about to speak to us, and you're going to be mortified.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37LAUGHTER
0:17:39 > 0:17:43It is about 18 inches long and...
0:17:43 > 0:17:45In fact, we have a number of things.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Please welcome Chris Bird from Southampton University,
0:17:47 > 0:17:50and Ali Hood of the Shark Trust, who are sitting just over there.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Chris, let's start with the one in the jar.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Is it true it could bite a chunk out of a submarine?
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Yeah, there's certainly historical evidence
0:18:01 > 0:18:03of them biting through the rubber coverings of submarines
0:18:03 > 0:18:06and cables on undersea cameras and things like that.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09- So what is this one called? - That's the cookie cutter shark.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12- And why's it called that? - It leaves these really distinctive
0:18:12 > 0:18:15kind of cookie-cutter bite marks on its prey.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18So, it usually eats whales and big fish.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22And it will suck onto the side of them, bore out a cookie cutter hole,
0:18:22 > 0:18:23and then swim off.
0:18:23 > 0:18:29And sometimes it confuses submarines and cameras and cables for...
0:18:29 > 0:18:31- Right...- ..their prey. - And could it hurt a person?
0:18:31 > 0:18:33There's been one case of a person being eaten
0:18:33 > 0:18:36whilst they were swimming at night between two islands.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39But it would be in small... They'd eat them slowly, by chunks,
0:18:39 > 0:18:41- like Hannibal Lecter? - You wouldn't know it came.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43"First I get the back, then I get the brains."
0:18:43 > 0:18:46It would just dart by you, and then before you know it,
0:18:46 > 0:18:49you'd kind of have a chunk missing without you realising what happened.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52That could be a good weight loss scheme.
0:18:53 > 0:18:54Yes!
0:18:54 > 0:18:57Swimming between the islands, you lose half a pound each way.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00If anyone's eaten too much custard, darling, that is wonderful.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Now, Ali, let me just talk about this,
0:19:02 > 0:19:04because I have sometimes found these on a beach.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Tell me what it is. Is this a UK...?
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Yes, yes, we have oviparous - egg-laying -
0:19:10 > 0:19:12- sharks and skates in the UK. - So what is this? This is a...?
0:19:12 > 0:19:16- That's...- That one is the egg case of a flapper skate.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19It's found up in Scotland, around the north of Ireland.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21And that's one of the largest skates globally.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23It grows to two to three metres across its wingspan.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Some people call them mermaids' purses, but it's sharks' eggs,
0:19:26 > 0:19:28- isn't it?- Yeah, shark and skate and ray eggs, yeah.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30And when you find them, they're all empty, is that right?
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Generally, they're empty. If they're not, you'll know,
0:19:32 > 0:19:34- cos they'll be quite stinky. - And this one here?
0:19:34 > 0:19:36The smaller species you have there are skate.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Or we call them rays.
0:19:38 > 0:19:39If they've got curly tendrils...
0:19:39 > 0:19:42- Yes...- ..those are cat shark egg cases,
0:19:42 > 0:19:45so we have three egg-laying sharks in British waters.
0:19:45 > 0:19:46And people could just find these
0:19:46 > 0:19:48- on the beach for themselves? - Yeah.- OK.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50So, the one that is really extraordinary is this beautiful...
0:19:50 > 0:19:53It's a piece of art, really. What is this one?
0:19:53 > 0:19:57That one is from Australia, it's associated with Port Jackson sharks,
0:19:57 > 0:20:00and I found that just the other week when I was down there.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02So, how does it work? It looks like a sort of screw.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05Yes, the shark lays it, it takes the egg case in its mouth
0:20:05 > 0:20:09and then it literally screws it into a crevice in a rock,
0:20:09 > 0:20:10where it safely develops.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13- AISLING:- And is it just one baby shark in that?
0:20:13 > 0:20:16One baby shark in all of those, yeah. Or skate, or ray.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Ali and Chris, thank you so very much. How wonderful.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:24 > 0:20:25Would you like me to put my shark away?
0:20:25 > 0:20:29Yes, please, darling. Sorry, Alan.
0:20:29 > 0:20:30Goodbye, old friend.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32LAUGHTER
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Right, what's the biggest thing in the ocean
0:20:36 > 0:20:38that you've never heard of?
0:20:38 > 0:20:39Oh.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Well, I mean, we've never heard of it,
0:20:41 > 0:20:42so it's difficult for us to name.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Yes. That is true.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46- Yeah, so...- Shall we have a stab at it?
0:20:46 > 0:20:48- Yes.- The sherdobleh.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50That's what I was going to say.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52# Row your boat... # Blue whale.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54KLAXON BLARES
0:20:57 > 0:21:00I mean, they're astonishing, up to 98 feet, 170 tonnes,
0:21:00 > 0:21:03but I want one you've never heard of.
0:21:03 > 0:21:04# Row your boat... #
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Red whale.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09LAUGHTER
0:21:10 > 0:21:12It's called the ocean sunfish.
0:21:12 > 0:21:13The common mola.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17It is essentially a giant head covered in mucus.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19- AISLING GROANS - Oh, God!
0:21:19 > 0:21:20We've all been there!
0:21:20 > 0:21:23LAUGHTER
0:21:23 > 0:21:26I went scuba diving one time in Australia
0:21:26 > 0:21:30and when I got back on the boat, the pilot of the boat said,
0:21:30 > 0:21:33"Got a little bit of, er... in your mask there, mate."
0:21:33 > 0:21:36And my mask was full of snot.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38I mean, it was an extraordinary amount of snot that
0:21:38 > 0:21:42I couldn't understand that that had been in my head in the first place.
0:21:42 > 0:21:47- So, you were like one of these? - Yes, I was a head covered in mucus.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49They spend most of their time sunbathing
0:21:49 > 0:21:50on the surface of the ocean.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53One of these adults can literally weigh a tonne.
0:21:53 > 0:21:59And they grow to be 60 million times heavier than their larvae,
0:21:59 > 0:22:01so that would be like a human baby becoming an adult
0:22:01 > 0:22:03the size of six Titanics.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06They have a grey, round body and rough skin that feels
0:22:06 > 0:22:08a bit like sandpaper, but the Germans call it
0:22:08 > 0:22:10the Schwimmender Kopf - the swimming head.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13Apparently, they have a permanently surprised expression.
0:22:13 > 0:22:14They have a mouth that never really closes.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17And they are very docile and very curious and friendly.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Tierney Thys, who is the world's leading expert, calls them "goofy".
0:22:20 > 0:22:24She says that, when she goes to try and tag one,
0:22:24 > 0:22:26they stick their fin out of the water and wave,
0:22:26 > 0:22:28like they're going, "Hi, I'm over here!"
0:22:29 > 0:22:32The other one looks like he's about to start a fight on a night out.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36Like, "Oi, you! Over there! What were you saying about my mum? Eh?"
0:22:36 > 0:22:39Apparently, they're just not aggressive in any way.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42There's only one human death attributed to a mola,
0:22:42 > 0:22:45and that's a man who was accidentally flattened by one leaping.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50What size are they, then?
0:22:50 > 0:22:53About six by eight foot, but really it's like having a car come at you.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56- It's like a sort of Cadillac. - Whoa! God, they are big.- Yeah.
0:22:56 > 0:22:57Where would you find one?
0:22:57 > 0:23:00- Isle of Wight.- Yeah.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03In fact, the Isle of Wight is one big one.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05They like it warm, darling.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07You're not going to find it round the British coast.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09They're very strong swimmers
0:23:09 > 0:23:11and they can dive down to a fantastic depth of 2,600 metres.
0:23:11 > 0:23:15And the females produce as many as 300 million eggs at a time, but...
0:23:15 > 0:23:19only two survive.
0:23:19 > 0:23:20Aww.
0:23:20 > 0:23:21Yeah. I don't know...
0:23:21 > 0:23:24We feel bad, we're invested now in the mola.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27It looks like it's not finished.
0:23:28 > 0:23:29They've sort of gone like,
0:23:29 > 0:23:32"Just squeeze it in at the bottom. There, that'll be fine."
0:23:34 > 0:23:37It's like the Good Lord went, "Er, it'll do."
0:23:37 > 0:23:40- Unfinished sculpture of a fish. - Yeah.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43The biggest thing in the ocean that we'd never heard of
0:23:43 > 0:23:45used to be the Mola mola, although now we know about it,
0:23:45 > 0:23:48that title will have to be passed on to something else.
0:23:48 > 0:23:52As an editor, what suggestions would you make to improve Moby Dick?
0:23:52 > 0:23:54# The sea... #
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Yes?
0:23:56 > 0:23:57I think it should have,
0:23:57 > 0:23:59like, a feminist remake
0:23:59 > 0:24:02and it should be called Moby Fanny.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04LAUGHTER
0:24:08 > 0:24:11Do you want to give me any plot points at all?
0:24:11 > 0:24:14She still eats a man whole, um...
0:24:14 > 0:24:15LAUGHTER
0:24:17 > 0:24:20The publisher who it was sent to, Peter J Bentley,
0:24:20 > 0:24:24rejected Herman Melville's Moby Dick because he didn't like the whale.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27This is what he wrote.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30"First, we must ask, does it have to be a whale?
0:24:30 > 0:24:34"While this is a rather delightful, if somewhat esoteric plot device,
0:24:34 > 0:24:37"we recommend an antagonist with a more popular visage
0:24:37 > 0:24:40"among the younger readers. For instance,
0:24:40 > 0:24:42"could not the captain be struggling
0:24:42 > 0:24:46"with a depravity towards young, perhaps voluptuous, maidens?"
0:24:46 > 0:24:47LAUGHTER
0:24:51 > 0:24:54Partly inspired by a real whale called Mocha Dick,
0:24:54 > 0:24:57a whale that was fantastically fussy about his coffee.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59LAUGHTER
0:24:59 > 0:25:03- Well, Starbuck's a character in it, isn't he?- Yes, absolutely.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05So, it was a real whale, an albino sperm whale
0:25:05 > 0:25:07who swam alongside whaling boats
0:25:07 > 0:25:08and if the boats tried to attack Mocha Dick,
0:25:08 > 0:25:10he would then destroy them.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13In fact, when he was killed in 1839, they found 19 harpoons in his side.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16- It was a legendary whale. - What sort of whale was it, sorry?
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Herman Melville talks about
0:25:18 > 0:25:20- a sperm whale as the largest creature on Earth.- Right.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23But when he was writing, the blue whale had never been measured.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26The blue whale's going, "Ssh!"
0:25:26 > 0:25:29So, the sperm whale is sort of 67 feet to the blue whale's
0:25:29 > 0:25:34kind of 98 feet, so not as big, but it's the largest toothed whale.
0:25:34 > 0:25:39I was at the Natural History Museum, and the penis of the sperm whale
0:25:39 > 0:25:46is just so intimidating, it's just so long, like, two cars, I'd say.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48To carry that around with him...
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Are we talking, like, a Vauxhall Astra, or...?
0:25:50 > 0:25:53- Yeah, good point.- Or a Range Rover?
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Well, actually, our shark experts might know.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Would you know how long... Hi...
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Just because they're shark experts
0:25:59 > 0:26:02doesn't mean they're experts on whale penises.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04They are very separate fields!
0:26:04 > 0:26:09What specific car is a whale's dick like?
0:26:09 > 0:26:11A limousine, I think.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13- Limousine?- Limousine, yeah.
0:26:13 > 0:26:17Like a well-attended hen party limousine, or...
0:26:17 > 0:26:21It's only like a stretch limo when it's excited.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:26 > 0:26:29Moving on...
0:26:29 > 0:26:30Poor old Herman Melville,
0:26:30 > 0:26:363,715 copies of Moby Dick sold in his lifetime, and just 556.37,
0:26:36 > 0:26:39he died virtually unknown.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41And then in 2014, the Guardian named Moby Dick
0:26:41 > 0:26:44the 17th greatest novel of all time.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46So for an extra point, buzz in,
0:26:46 > 0:26:48who knows the first line of Moby Dick?
0:26:49 > 0:26:51- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- "Call me Ishmael."
0:26:51 > 0:26:53"Call me Ishmael," absolutely right.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55"Some years ago, never mind how long precisely,
0:26:55 > 0:26:57"having little or no money in my purse
0:26:57 > 0:26:59"and nothing particular to interest me on shore,
0:26:59 > 0:27:01"I thought I would sail about a little
0:27:01 > 0:27:03"and see the watery part of the world."
0:27:03 > 0:27:05According to American Book Review,
0:27:05 > 0:27:08that is the number-one best sentence in the world.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11I'm going to read out number two, and I will give a bonus point
0:27:11 > 0:27:13to anybody who interrupts to tell me where it's from.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15"It's a truth universally acknowledged
0:27:15 > 0:27:18"that a single man in possession of a good fortune..."
0:27:18 > 0:27:20It's Jane Austen, isn't it? Pride And Prejudice?
0:27:20 > 0:27:22Pride And Prejudice, you're absolutely right, yes.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24"..must be in want of a wife."
0:27:24 > 0:27:25Have you got anything lower down,
0:27:25 > 0:27:27like Harry Potter-ish that I can buzz in for?
0:27:27 > 0:27:30Is the third one, "If it's custard..."
0:27:30 > 0:27:32LAUGHTER
0:27:34 > 0:27:35I tell you what I do have,
0:27:35 > 0:27:39I have some of the greatest rejection letters of all time.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42"An irresponsible holiday story that will never sell" -
0:27:42 > 0:27:45The Wind In The Willows by Kenneth Grahame.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48"An absurd and uninteresting fantasy which was rubbish and dull" -
0:27:48 > 0:27:51William Golding, Lord Of The Flies.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54"I haven't the foggiest idea about what the man is trying to say.
0:27:54 > 0:27:58"Apparently, the author intends to be funny" - Catch-22 by Joseph Heller.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02"I'm afraid I thought this one as dire as its title.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04"It's a kind of Prince of Denmark of the hotel world,
0:28:04 > 0:28:07"a collection of cliches and stock characters
0:28:07 > 0:28:09"which I can't see being anything but a disaster" -
0:28:09 > 0:28:14Ian Main, a BBC comedy script editor, turning down Fawlty Towers.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16AUDIENCE GASP Wonderful, isn't it?
0:28:16 > 0:28:19And TS Eliot, who used to work as a director at Faber and Faber,
0:28:19 > 0:28:22the great publishing house, he rejected George Orwell's Animal Farm
0:28:22 > 0:28:26because he was concerned it was excessively Trotskyist.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29He argued, "The pigs were far more intelligent than the other animals,
0:28:29 > 0:28:32"and the farm needed more public spirited pigs."
0:28:35 > 0:28:37So, if editors had had their way,
0:28:37 > 0:28:41Moby Dick would have been a voluptuous maiden instead of a whale.
0:28:41 > 0:28:44What kind of bag were all British lifeboats
0:28:44 > 0:28:46required to carry until 1998?
0:28:46 > 0:28:48A ha-a-andba-a-a-ag.
0:28:48 > 0:28:51KLAXON BLARES
0:28:57 > 0:28:59Sick bag.
0:28:59 > 0:29:01KLAXON BLARES
0:29:01 > 0:29:04- A bag for life?- A bag for life!
0:29:04 > 0:29:06- See?- That's very good... - See what I did there?
0:29:06 > 0:29:09- It's a lifeboat, it's a bag for life.- That's very good.
0:29:09 > 0:29:12Is it one of those wet bags that keeps things dry?
0:29:12 > 0:29:15- Well, it certainly has liquid in it. - Ooh...
0:29:15 > 0:29:18- So, what kind of liquid might you take with you...?- Custard.
0:29:20 > 0:29:23- A bag of custard. - A bag of custard.
0:29:23 > 0:29:26It's oil. They were known as wave-quelling bags,
0:29:26 > 0:29:29so oil was commonly used to calm troubled waters.
0:29:29 > 0:29:30I'm sure you've heard the expression.
0:29:30 > 0:29:33It was kept in a canvas bag, which was attached to the anchor,
0:29:33 > 0:29:36and it worked by reducing the wave height and the sea spray,
0:29:36 > 0:29:40and lifeboats were required to carry oil bags until 1998.
0:29:40 > 0:29:43How much oil would you need to put in the water to stop a wave?
0:29:43 > 0:29:45It's really a small amount.
0:29:45 > 0:29:48So a single tablespoon of oil dropped onto a lake
0:29:48 > 0:29:51- can calm half an acre of water. - No, no, that's...
0:29:51 > 0:29:53What happens is it spreads out and forms a layer,
0:29:53 > 0:29:56which is one molecule thick, and that is enough to prevent
0:29:56 > 0:29:58the wind from whipping up the waves onto the surface.
0:29:58 > 0:30:01This is something that has been known about since Pliny the Elder,
0:30:01 > 0:30:05and he wrote, "Everything is soothed by oil," and this is the reason why
0:30:05 > 0:30:08divers send out small quantities of it from their mouths,
0:30:08 > 0:30:10because it smoothes every part which is rough.
0:30:10 > 0:30:13Oh, my God. Like a salad dressing amount.
0:30:13 > 0:30:16How are you making your salad?!
0:30:16 > 0:30:18- I was giving it a bit of... - She's tossing it, darling.
0:30:18 > 0:30:21It's amazing, the amount of oil slicks there've been
0:30:21 > 0:30:23in the last half a century,
0:30:23 > 0:30:26it's amazing there's ever any rough weather at sea.
0:30:27 > 0:30:31Nobody ever sees the positive side of an oil slick.
0:30:31 > 0:30:33Genuinely, though, in an oil slick area,
0:30:33 > 0:30:36would there then be no waves for ages?
0:30:36 > 0:30:37It would genuinely calm the waters,
0:30:37 > 0:30:39and one of the reasons why we know this,
0:30:39 > 0:30:41the person who did so many experiments on this,
0:30:41 > 0:30:43is the great American statesman Benjamin Franklin.
0:30:43 > 0:30:46He saw two ships from a flotilla,
0:30:46 > 0:30:48and they had smooth waters in their wake while the other ships didn't.
0:30:48 > 0:30:52And he asked why, and he was told that those ships had jettisoned
0:30:52 > 0:30:54their kitchen grease and that therefore gave them
0:30:54 > 0:30:56the easier passage. And he checked this out.
0:30:56 > 0:30:59And what's lovely, he did experiments on a place in London,
0:30:59 > 0:31:01and there's a place called Mount Pond, on Clapham Common,
0:31:01 > 0:31:03and that is, in fact, where he did his experiments,
0:31:03 > 0:31:05and the pond is still there today.
0:31:05 > 0:31:06It stinks of chip fat.
0:31:06 > 0:31:09LAUGHTER
0:31:09 > 0:31:11There's also a natural... It's not just us who do this -
0:31:11 > 0:31:14swordfish, they've got a gland next to their noses,
0:31:14 > 0:31:15and they secrete oil
0:31:15 > 0:31:19and it's thought to coat the fish's head in order to repel water
0:31:19 > 0:31:21and make it easier for them to swim through it,
0:31:21 > 0:31:25and they can reach speeds of up to 62mph. So, and that is, again, the...
0:31:25 > 0:31:27And when you go to fry them as well, it's really handy,
0:31:27 > 0:31:29because you're just like, "Fzzzt!"
0:31:29 > 0:31:31It doesn't stick to the pan. Straightaway.
0:31:31 > 0:31:34You could just hold them by the nose and cook them like that.
0:31:34 > 0:31:36Rub its face in garlic, you could use its nose to chop up
0:31:36 > 0:31:39all the garlic and the onions, then put him in the pan.
0:31:39 > 0:31:41Make a salad...
0:31:44 > 0:31:49Now, describe the world's oiliest Valentine's card.
0:31:49 > 0:31:54Er, "Oil love you for ever"?
0:31:54 > 0:31:57Well, you're not far off.
0:31:57 > 0:32:01Is it just Aisling's, because her salad dressing's gone everywhere?
0:32:01 > 0:32:05We might send Valentine's cards that are also supportive of oil.
0:32:05 > 0:32:07- Oh, like General Motors?- Yes.
0:32:07 > 0:32:09"General Motors loves how much petrol that you buy."
0:32:09 > 0:32:12- OK, you are absolutely right, except it was Shell Oil.- Ah.
0:32:12 > 0:32:16So, 1938 to 1975, Shell Oil sent anonymous Valentine's cards
0:32:16 > 0:32:18to their female customers,
0:32:18 > 0:32:21and they wanted to make sure they were anonymous, so they bought stamps
0:32:21 > 0:32:24rather than putting it through the franking machine,
0:32:24 > 0:32:26but I think the verses rather give away that it was
0:32:26 > 0:32:28a marketing gimmick, so, here is one.
0:32:28 > 0:32:31"At last you know, my Valentine
0:32:31 > 0:32:33"The news I've longed to bring
0:32:33 > 0:32:35"Now let the petrol flow like wine
0:32:35 > 0:32:39"Let joyful engines sing."
0:32:39 > 0:32:40Wow.
0:32:40 > 0:32:42I've got another one.
0:32:42 > 0:32:44Aisling, perhaps you'd read one for us, please?
0:32:44 > 0:32:46Of course, I can definitely read.
0:32:47 > 0:32:49"My Valentine, my basic need
0:32:49 > 0:32:51"O fly away with me!
0:32:51 > 0:32:53"My heart is full, if not my tank
0:32:53 > 0:32:56"To journey far with thee."
0:32:56 > 0:32:58Aww! Lovely.
0:32:58 > 0:33:00Is "tank" a euphemism in that poem?
0:33:00 > 0:33:02But how did Shell Oil get their name? Anybody know?
0:33:02 > 0:33:05I got a tiny dying memory in my brain...
0:33:05 > 0:33:09The father of the guy that founded it collected shells?
0:33:09 > 0:33:10You are absolutely right.
0:33:14 > 0:33:17It was a man called Marcus Samuel, he had an antiques business
0:33:17 > 0:33:21in Whitechapel in London, and then in 1833, he started importing
0:33:21 > 0:33:24ornamental shells because they were hugely popular in interior design,
0:33:24 > 0:33:27and in order to get these shells from all over the world,
0:33:27 > 0:33:29he developed all sorts of trade routes,
0:33:29 > 0:33:32and then his sons began trading in oil
0:33:32 > 0:33:37and they used their father's routes in order to bring the oil in.
0:33:37 > 0:33:41Isn't there something about the importance of oil as a sort of
0:33:41 > 0:33:44global political thing, increasing massively
0:33:44 > 0:33:50when Winston Churchill turned the Royal Navy from coal to oil?
0:33:50 > 0:33:53Oh, I did not know that, but that makes total sense to me.
0:33:53 > 0:33:55So, you would imagine at that moment,
0:33:55 > 0:33:56if you want to rule the waves, then...
0:33:56 > 0:33:59Yeah, suddenly, the coal that was underneath Britain
0:33:59 > 0:34:01wasn't enough, and it was important to control
0:34:01 > 0:34:03bits of the world that had oil underneath.
0:34:03 > 0:34:05- So, it's Churchill's fault? - It's Churchill's fault.
0:34:05 > 0:34:07- You don't hear that very often.- Yup.
0:34:07 > 0:34:10Roses are red, oil makes us slick
0:34:10 > 0:34:13Shell's Valentine's cards were a marketing trick.
0:34:13 > 0:34:17- See what I did there?- Nice, very nice.- Thank you.- Liked it.
0:34:17 > 0:34:19Now, steady your stomachs and hold on to the handrail,
0:34:19 > 0:34:21it's time for General Ignorance.
0:34:21 > 0:34:23Complete this sentence.
0:34:23 > 0:34:26There are plenty more fish in the...
0:34:26 > 0:34:27# How deep...? #
0:34:27 > 0:34:28Sea.
0:34:28 > 0:34:30KLAXON BLARES
0:34:32 > 0:34:33You don't learn, do you?
0:34:33 > 0:34:35- # Row your boat... #- Yes?
0:34:35 > 0:34:36Sky.
0:34:38 > 0:34:41Only 20% of the world's fish species actually live in the sea,
0:34:41 > 0:34:43- where do the rest live? - In the rivers.
0:34:43 > 0:34:45Rivers. Rivers and lakes, absolutely right.
0:34:45 > 0:34:49Amazon, Congo, Mekong, all those kind of river basins,
0:34:49 > 0:34:51particularly diverse in fish species,
0:34:51 > 0:34:53so one site in the Amazon basin, Cantao State Park,
0:34:53 > 0:34:56contains more freshwater fish species than the whole of Europe.
0:34:56 > 0:34:59- That's a lot of fish! - It is a lot of fish.
0:34:59 > 0:35:01LAUGHTER
0:35:01 > 0:35:04I think that's the premise for mentioning it.
0:35:08 > 0:35:11Hang on! Do you see how he's understood the show?!
0:35:11 > 0:35:14David? The next time you come on, that chair's very comfy.
0:35:16 > 0:35:17Possible...
0:35:17 > 0:35:20Of course, we have polluted our rivers
0:35:20 > 0:35:24and many of them don't sustain large fish populations.
0:35:24 > 0:35:25Yeah.
0:35:25 > 0:35:26Um...
0:35:26 > 0:35:29You talked about fish coming from the sky.
0:35:29 > 0:35:32So, in Utah, it used to be that remote lakes were once stocked
0:35:32 > 0:35:36by walking miles and miles with milk cans full of fish,
0:35:36 > 0:35:41and today they're dropped from planes 150 foot above the lakes,
0:35:41 > 0:35:44and it's called aerial restocking. Ted Hallows,
0:35:44 > 0:35:48who's a hatchery manager from Kamas County in Utah, says,
0:35:48 > 0:35:51"Most of the fish make it to the water safely."
0:35:52 > 0:35:54And each one of those fish has got a JustGiving page.
0:35:54 > 0:35:57LAUGHTER
0:36:00 > 0:36:02They are slightly obsessed with the fish.
0:36:02 > 0:36:03Utah has a lake named Fish Lake,
0:36:03 > 0:36:08you find it on the Fish Lake Plateau in the Fish Lake National Forest.
0:36:08 > 0:36:10- That's too many nouns! - Too many fish.
0:36:10 > 0:36:13Fish, lake, forest - which is it?!
0:36:15 > 0:36:19I feel like Fish Lake would make a less athletic ballet show.
0:36:19 > 0:36:22LAUGHTER
0:36:25 > 0:36:27Sometimes, there are fish in the sky -
0:36:27 > 0:36:31in 2004, the people of Knighton in Powys were surprised to see
0:36:31 > 0:36:35dozens of minnows flying around. It was after a thunderstorm,
0:36:35 > 0:36:39and the usual explanation is that a small tornado has sucked
0:36:39 > 0:36:42the fish from a nearby body of water, although some people
0:36:42 > 0:36:44are sceptical of this, they think it's an overflow from a pond.
0:36:44 > 0:36:48But why isn't there actually a fish that lives in trees or on the land?
0:36:48 > 0:36:51- Because, you know, there's penguins that live in the sea...- Yes.
0:36:51 > 0:36:54..and mammals that live in the sea, you know,
0:36:54 > 0:36:59why hasn't a fish had the gumption to start living like a rabbit?
0:36:59 > 0:37:02- You know. - I think it's lack of ambition.
0:37:03 > 0:37:06Bats - bats are mammals, they can fly,
0:37:06 > 0:37:10it just doesn't make sense that fish aren't trying!
0:37:12 > 0:37:15I think that what you need to do is to start diving
0:37:15 > 0:37:17and give those fish a good talking-to.
0:37:17 > 0:37:19I wouldn't need to dive,
0:37:19 > 0:37:21if there were fish running around the house...
0:37:21 > 0:37:24LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:37:30 > 0:37:32The mangrove killifish lives on land.
0:37:32 > 0:37:35- Oh, there's one.- Well done!
0:37:36 > 0:37:40Well done, mangrove killifish. That's my kind of fish!
0:37:41 > 0:37:45Now, when do spring tides occur in the southern hemisphere?
0:37:45 > 0:37:48- Ooh.- Now, is it... Now...
0:37:48 > 0:37:49- Ah.- Yeah, yeah?
0:37:49 > 0:37:51Oh...
0:37:51 > 0:37:52# The sea... #
0:37:53 > 0:37:55- Is it...- Yes.
0:37:55 > 0:38:00..the opposite to us here in the northern hemisphere, so...
0:38:00 > 0:38:03- What are you going to say? - I am going to go, Sandi, with
0:38:03 > 0:38:05Augus-s-s-s...
0:38:05 > 0:38:09Sept...ember...
0:38:09 > 0:38:10Are you saying autumn?
0:38:10 > 0:38:13- KLAXON BLARES - You're not giving me a clue.
0:38:13 > 0:38:15OK. Autumn, yeah.
0:38:15 > 0:38:17- No.- Darn.- Anybody else?
0:38:17 > 0:38:18- Spring.- Hey!
0:38:18 > 0:38:20KLAXON BLARES
0:38:21 > 0:38:23Spring tides have got nothing to do with spring at all.
0:38:23 > 0:38:26It is the high tide that follows a new or a full moon,
0:38:26 > 0:38:28so it is the time when there is the most difference
0:38:28 > 0:38:30between high and low tides.
0:38:30 > 0:38:33So, basically, it occurs twice a month, all year round.
0:38:33 > 0:38:35It just comes from an earlier meaning of spring,
0:38:35 > 0:38:38which means to rise up suddenly, that's all it is.
0:38:38 > 0:38:41But tide actually has a Norse origin, so in Denmark,
0:38:41 > 0:38:45the word for time is "tid", T-I-D, and that's where we get tide from.
0:38:45 > 0:38:47So, tide and time actually means the same thing.
0:38:47 > 0:38:50It's like Eastertide, isn't it? Doesn't refer to the tide.
0:38:50 > 0:38:52That means Easter-time.
0:38:52 > 0:38:54- Yuletide, it's the same. It's about time, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:38:54 > 0:38:56Highest tide in the world, Canada,
0:38:56 > 0:38:59the Bay of Fundy, which separates New Brunswick from Nova Scotia,
0:38:59 > 0:39:05the difference between high and low tide at its most is 53 feet.
0:39:05 > 0:39:08The level is the same as a three-storey building.
0:39:08 > 0:39:09That's phenomenal.
0:39:09 > 0:39:13Imagine, the tide's coming in, "Yeah, be all right."
0:39:13 > 0:39:16- 53 feet.- "The house, the house!"
0:39:18 > 0:39:20Now, without leaving your seat,
0:39:20 > 0:39:24please somebody do an impression of an Olympic diver.
0:39:24 > 0:39:26"Hello, it's me, Tom Daley."
0:39:26 > 0:39:29LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:39:35 > 0:39:37Do I get the point, or...?
0:39:37 > 0:39:40Yeah, I liked that, you can have an extra point, that's very good.
0:39:40 > 0:39:42- What do you mean? - Er, well, what do they look like?
0:39:42 > 0:39:44They go, they dive...
0:39:44 > 0:39:45KLAXON BLARES No.
0:39:48 > 0:39:51No, they lock their hands together, like this,
0:39:51 > 0:39:54and enter with the palms entering the water first,
0:39:54 > 0:39:56because it creates less splash.
0:39:56 > 0:39:58So they're trying to make a cavity in the water
0:39:58 > 0:40:01wide enough for the body to go through, so if you look there,
0:40:01 > 0:40:04- when they impact... - I'm looking, I'm looking.
0:40:04 > 0:40:08- It is an odd angle to see somebody at, isn't it?- Not particularly.
0:40:08 > 0:40:10LAUGHTER
0:40:12 > 0:40:14Do you watch dangling men?
0:40:16 > 0:40:19"If you wouldn't mind putting your ankles up there?"
0:40:21 > 0:40:23I went to see Olympic diving.
0:40:23 > 0:40:25- Was it good?- Well, the thing about it is...
0:40:26 > 0:40:29..once you've seen one, you really have seen them all.
0:40:32 > 0:40:36One by one, they go up the top and whoop, splash!
0:40:36 > 0:40:37HE EXHALES
0:40:39 > 0:40:41It's not a spectator sport.
0:40:41 > 0:40:44So, you watched the Rio Olympics? Because the pool got, became...
0:40:44 > 0:40:46- It went green.- It went green!
0:40:46 > 0:40:50Somebody had poured 160 litres of hydrogen peroxide into the pool,
0:40:50 > 0:40:53and if you put chlorine and hydrogen peroxide together,
0:40:53 > 0:40:57they neutralise one another and algae is free to grow.
0:40:57 > 0:41:00The thing I like best about Rio was they had some of the world's
0:41:00 > 0:41:05greatest swimmers, and 75 lifeguards. Now...
0:41:05 > 0:41:08LAUGHTER
0:41:08 > 0:41:10Well, they might be very, very fast,
0:41:10 > 0:41:13but have they got a brick off the bottom?
0:41:14 > 0:41:18Apparently, the issue is that synchronised swimmers can collide.
0:41:18 > 0:41:21That is one of the things. And swimmers sometimes faint.
0:41:21 > 0:41:23So, they had 75 lifeguards, who...
0:41:23 > 0:41:25Two things that no-one has ever seen happen.
0:41:25 > 0:41:28Do you know what was my favourite? My favourite sport of all time -
0:41:28 > 0:41:31solo synchronised swimming.
0:41:31 > 0:41:33LAUGHTER
0:41:34 > 0:41:39OK, it was a sport at the Olympic Games between 1984 and 1992.
0:41:39 > 0:41:42I mean, that's just splashing about.
0:41:42 > 0:41:44- On your own.- To music!
0:41:46 > 0:41:47It's great fun, I'm sure,
0:41:47 > 0:41:49but there's no need to make it a competition.
0:41:49 > 0:41:52No, but what you could do is put a shark in...
0:41:54 > 0:41:56Right, final question in our ocean show,
0:41:56 > 0:41:58so we go to the greatest ocean of all.
0:41:58 > 0:42:02How many lungs does Billy Ocean have?
0:42:03 > 0:42:04I'm going to go one.
0:42:04 > 0:42:06KLAXON BLARES
0:42:07 > 0:42:08Three!
0:42:08 > 0:42:10He has three. He has an extra pulmonary node
0:42:10 > 0:42:12between his two regular lungs.
0:42:12 > 0:42:13And some people attribute the fact
0:42:13 > 0:42:15that he's got this extra lung capacity
0:42:15 > 0:42:17as to why he's had such a long career.
0:42:17 > 0:42:20I think it's cos he's one of the nicest men you will ever, ever meet.
0:42:20 > 0:42:22Now, as we head back into harbour,
0:42:22 > 0:42:24let's take a quick look at the score.
0:42:24 > 0:42:26All at sea, in last place,
0:42:26 > 0:42:29with -51, it's Alan!
0:42:29 > 0:42:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:34 > 0:42:37In third place, with -37, David!
0:42:37 > 0:42:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:41 > 0:42:44In second, with -17, Aisling!
0:42:44 > 0:42:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:47 > 0:42:51And tonight's winner, with -15, it's Joe!
0:42:51 > 0:42:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:00 > 0:43:03Tonight's objectionable object,
0:43:03 > 0:43:08this lovely sausage dog drink dispenser, goes to Joe.
0:43:08 > 0:43:12- Congratulations.- I love that. - There you go.- Look at that!
0:43:12 > 0:43:16Fantastic! It only remains for me to thank Aisling, David, Joe and Alan.
0:43:17 > 0:43:19Now that we've all disembarked safely,
0:43:19 > 0:43:22we hope you enjoyed your voyage aboard the QI2,
0:43:22 > 0:43:23and we'll leave you with this.
0:43:23 > 0:43:25During the early days of the Iraq war,
0:43:25 > 0:43:28Defence Secretary Geoff Hoon stated in Parliament
0:43:28 > 0:43:31that the port of Umm Qasr was like the city of Southampton.
0:43:31 > 0:43:34"He's either never been to Umm Qasr or he's never been to Southampton,"
0:43:34 > 0:43:37said one soldier. "There's no beer, no prostitutes,
0:43:37 > 0:43:38"and people are shooting at us.
0:43:38 > 0:43:40"It's actually more like Portsmouth!"
0:43:40 > 0:43:42Thank you very much, goodnight!