0:00:23 > 0:00:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Good evening and welcome to QI,
0:00:37 > 0:00:41where tonight we'll be suffering all things odorous and odious -
0:00:41 > 0:00:44and joining me on our olfactory odyssey
0:00:44 > 0:00:47are the fragrant Nish Kumar...
0:00:47 > 0:00:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:51 > 0:00:54..the aromatic Sally Phillips...
0:00:54 > 0:00:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:59 > 0:01:01..the musky Ross Noble...
0:01:01 > 0:01:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:05 > 0:01:09..and... SHE SNIFFS
0:01:09 > 0:01:12..the unmistakable essence of Alan Davies.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:19 > 0:01:22And their buzzers are particularly odorous. Sally goes...
0:01:22 > 0:01:25# You've got to stop
0:01:25 > 0:01:28# And smell the roses. #
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Oh, I love that. Nish goes...
0:01:33 > 0:01:36# Oh, I think I smell a rat
0:01:36 > 0:01:38# Oh, I think I smell a rat. #
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Oh, I wanted more of that. Ross goes...
0:01:42 > 0:01:46# I can smell it, baby
0:01:46 > 0:01:49# Can you smell it too? #
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Drinks half price. And Alan goes...
0:01:54 > 0:01:56FART
0:01:56 > 0:01:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:03 > 0:02:07- Now...- Even on a show as high-brow as this...- I know.
0:02:07 > 0:02:08..that is still funny.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12The whole show is about smell, OK, so I've got these -
0:02:12 > 0:02:16scratch-and-sniff stickers that they often give out in schools
0:02:16 > 0:02:17for good work.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20So I've got strawberry, lemon meringue and grape,
0:02:20 > 0:02:23and if you do good work and are particularly clever,
0:02:23 > 0:02:25- you could have a scratch-and-sniff sticker, OK?- Ooh!
0:02:25 > 0:02:28So which would you want to go for - strawberry, lemon or grape?
0:02:28 > 0:02:30I've got a cold, I can't smell anything at the moment,
0:02:30 > 0:02:31so, really, I'm easy.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34You're lucky cos you're next to Ross - it's the best thing.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39How dare you?! These pants were fresh on last week.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41I don't think, Sally... Can I just say, no woman should ever say,
0:02:41 > 0:02:45"I can't smell anything, I'm easy." I don't think that's...
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Every man's dream is a woman with no sense of smell!
0:02:49 > 0:02:50OK, let's start with some smells.
0:02:50 > 0:02:54What scent should you wear to attract a cougar?
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Oooh!
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Is it John Cougar Mellencamp?
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Is that from...?
0:03:00 > 0:03:03- If you're camping...- Yeah. - ..and you're eating some melon,
0:03:03 > 0:03:04- and a cougar appears...- Yes.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06..you hear the music of the '80s.
0:03:06 > 0:03:07LAUGHTER
0:03:07 > 0:03:11I've really missed you, Ross. LAUGHTER
0:03:12 > 0:03:14There's a double meaning at work here.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17- Ah, you know me well... - You see...- Yes.
0:03:17 > 0:03:21- ..the...the vampy older lady... - Yes.- Bonjour.- ..the cougar.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Hi. An excellent example.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26You're calling Sally old?
0:03:27 > 0:03:31I'm fine with that. Easy, no sense of smell...
0:03:31 > 0:03:33It's a hell of a Tinder profile.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Are you swiping left or right at the moment, Nish?
0:03:37 > 0:03:39100% left.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41I don't even know what I just asked you. Um...
0:03:43 > 0:03:47Well, in 2003, the Wildlife Conservation Society
0:03:47 > 0:03:51tested a variety of scents to see which ones big cats find attractive.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54- Wow!- Now, why would they do this?
0:03:54 > 0:03:57- Was it too busy in the perfume department of Boots?- Yeah.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Cos the thing about those women, you know in the make-up...
0:04:00 > 0:04:02- They're terrifying. - ..they've got those faces...- I know.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05..and a wild cat can rip at their face and have no effect.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10That's how deep the make-up is.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13No, what it is, you want to lure the big cats in
0:04:13 > 0:04:15towards camera traps for filming.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17So they discovered that there's a clear winner -
0:04:17 > 0:04:21Calvin Klein's Obsession kept big cats interested for 11 minutes.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23- Wow!- Yeah.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26By comparison, Nina Ricci's L'air du Temps, ten minutes.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29The effects of Revlon's Charlie -
0:04:29 > 0:04:3015 and a half seconds.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34- And some mild blistering.- Yeah!
0:04:35 > 0:04:40I thought they attracted wild cats with...
0:04:40 > 0:04:43piss...of other wild cats.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Well, that's a hell of a night out.
0:04:47 > 0:04:48Grrr!
0:04:48 > 0:04:50How did you come to think this?
0:04:50 > 0:04:54I thought that they made ointments
0:04:54 > 0:04:57of the urine of other...
0:04:57 > 0:04:59..of male...
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Yeah, they do, but it's called Lynx.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Here's the thing - so, the smell matters with wild animals.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15In 2003, the Manitoba government,
0:05:15 > 0:05:17they had a terrible issue with polar bears,
0:05:17 > 0:05:20and the issue was, there were orphaned polar bears,
0:05:20 > 0:05:23but the adult females did not want to adopt them,
0:05:23 > 0:05:25cos they could smell them and tell it wasn't their baby,
0:05:25 > 0:05:27so, they put them both to sleep
0:05:27 > 0:05:32and then they rubbed the baby all over with Vicks VapoRub
0:05:32 > 0:05:35and then they put Vicks VapoRub on the muzzle of the female,
0:05:35 > 0:05:38and when she woke up, she sniffed the cub that was next to her,
0:05:38 > 0:05:40she thought it was her baby and she adopted it, and that was...
0:05:40 > 0:05:42- AUDIENCE:- Aww.- I know!
0:05:42 > 0:05:43And neither of them got a cold.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45LAUGHTER
0:05:46 > 0:05:48When you said they put them to sleep...
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Yeah... No... Oh! LAUGHTER
0:05:51 > 0:05:54So, there's a scientist injects this thing,
0:05:54 > 0:05:58there's a dead polar bear, they just tied it to the leg of the mum,
0:05:58 > 0:05:59and she just...
0:06:02 > 0:06:05"I think we need to do more research on this, lads."
0:06:05 > 0:06:08"This mother is not adopting this cub.
0:06:08 > 0:06:09"Kill them both."
0:06:11 > 0:06:12"Next."
0:06:13 > 0:06:16"What about the Vicks VapoRub?" "Don't be absurd."
0:06:18 > 0:06:19Right, we're going to play a game now.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21- Time to play On The Scent.- Ooh.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24SAMBA MUSIC
0:06:24 > 0:06:26OK, I've got some descriptions of perfumes,
0:06:26 > 0:06:30and I want you to guess which celebrity they come from, OK?
0:06:30 > 0:06:34So, "Focused on the topic of decisiveness and persistence,
0:06:34 > 0:06:37"its composition is based on sophisticated shades of spices
0:06:37 > 0:06:40"which are blended with citruses over a masculine, elegant heart
0:06:40 > 0:06:42"and a woody, leathery base."
0:06:42 > 0:06:45# Smell the roses... #
0:06:45 > 0:06:46Is it David Beckham?
0:06:46 > 0:06:48- It is!- What?!- Wow!
0:06:48 > 0:06:50- APPLAUSE - Unbelievable.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58- Wait a minute... - It was the word "leathery."- Yeah!
0:06:58 > 0:07:01- Grape, lemon or strawberry?- I'll have grape, please.- There you go.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03- That was amazing.- Thank you. - That's amazing, the way you did it.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Do you smell that and you go...
0:07:05 > 0:07:07- HE SNIFFS - .."Beckham's coming"?
0:07:07 > 0:07:09You have to smell it. There's no point just putting it on you.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12I can't smell anything - I've told you, I've got a cold.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15I never thought I'd say this to a woman, just scratch it and sniff...
0:07:15 > 0:07:16Ross can sniff it.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Sorry, do you just want to carry on while we do this?!
0:07:22 > 0:07:24He can't smell anything, either!
0:07:24 > 0:07:26I have a terrible, terrible... Look at me!
0:07:28 > 0:07:30- Terrible sense of smell. - That's why you're at the end.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35So, it's called Beyond Forever.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37- I love it.- By David Beckham.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39OK, here's the next one. Ready?
0:07:39 > 0:07:41"The perfect accessory for the confident man
0:07:41 > 0:07:44"determined to make his mark with passion, perseverance and drive.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47"For those who aspire to create their own empire
0:07:47 > 0:07:50"through personal achievement, this dynamic scent is both compelling
0:07:50 > 0:07:52"and leaves a lasting impression.
0:07:52 > 0:07:53"Bold notes..."
0:07:53 > 0:07:55- # ..smell it too... # - Ross?
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Is it Rory Bremner?
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Rory could probably do this person, I would imagine.
0:08:02 > 0:08:03- Donald Trump. - FART
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Yes! Yes!
0:08:05 > 0:08:07LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:10 > 0:08:12I'm actually...
0:08:12 > 0:08:15I'm very, very pleased to actually have a...
0:08:15 > 0:08:16- FART - ..a trump sound.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21And it's called Empire by Donald Trump.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24- You wanted lemon meringue, didn't you?- Lemon meringue, yeah.
0:08:24 > 0:08:25You want them with sunglasses, or without?
0:08:25 > 0:08:28- There you go. I gave you sunglasses...- Thank you so much.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31- ..if that's OK.- I'm going to scratch quite hard.- Right.
0:08:33 > 0:08:34Are you getting lemon meringue?
0:08:36 > 0:08:38LAUGHTER
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Quite a lot on my finger.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43No, hang on, that's not lemon...
0:08:46 > 0:08:50Oh, you're doing your own jokes there. "Eurgh!"
0:08:50 > 0:08:53Right, last one. Uh... Ready?
0:08:53 > 0:08:57"Bass notes on a leather, peat fire, highland mud, burned rubber
0:08:57 > 0:08:58"and white truffle."
0:08:58 > 0:09:00- # ..smell a rat... # - Yes, Nish?
0:09:00 > 0:09:01Is it Ross?!
0:09:04 > 0:09:07They do call me the Highland Truffle.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Because of that dance I invented.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Oh, yeah. Dressed as a pig in a kilt.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Have you not got your own perfume in the...?
0:09:14 > 0:09:16I've released many scents...
0:09:17 > 0:09:20..but...but not one that people would pay for.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24I quite like the idea of a perfume called Noble Gas.
0:09:24 > 0:09:25I think that's...
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Oh, yeah. Yeah.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:31 > 0:09:32OK...
0:09:33 > 0:09:37- Although, I have to say...- Yeah. - ..that I think a lady's perfume
0:09:37 > 0:09:40that had two-stroke mix...
0:09:40 > 0:09:42That... That would just get me...
0:09:42 > 0:09:44- Oh, that does smell nice, doesn't it?- Isn't it?
0:09:44 > 0:09:47- Just that two...- That what? - Two-stroke mix. Oil and petrol.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50- The stuff you put in lawnmowers. - It just...
0:09:50 > 0:09:51I did once see Ann Summers
0:09:51 > 0:09:54were releasing lager-flavoured Booby Drops.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56- Whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on! - Are you serious?
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Yeah. Make women smell like things that men like,
0:09:59 > 0:10:01like petrol, and...
0:10:01 > 0:10:03- Whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no, no. - ..and lager.
0:10:03 > 0:10:04I don't want just petrol.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07It's a... It's a fine two-stroke mix
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Because if she dabs a bit of two-stroke on,
0:10:09 > 0:10:11I think, "Oh, it's beautiful, it's..."
0:10:11 > 0:10:13- Do you want notes of two-stroke?- Yeah.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15I'm going to carry on with this one.
0:10:15 > 0:10:20"Heart notes are sharp and tempting with cigar, heather, fir and rubber.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23"Top notes complete the fragrance with fresh, spiced notes
0:10:23 > 0:10:25"of bergamot, black pepper, pine and whisky."
0:10:25 > 0:10:27# ..smell it too... #
0:10:27 > 0:10:29David Dickinson?
0:10:30 > 0:10:33It would have to say "creosote" if it was David Dickinson.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36- It's a boy... - Is it George Clooney?
0:10:36 > 0:10:39No, it's the best name for a perfume ever, I think.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42It is Cumming by Alan Cumming.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44LAUGHTER
0:10:49 > 0:10:54Right. Now, what will the Apocalypse smell like?
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Ooh...
0:10:56 > 0:10:59- Well, there's four horses, so there's a start.- Yeah.
0:11:00 > 0:11:04- A massive barbecue? - A barbecued horse.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07Kind of. What other sort of smells might you find?
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Well, there's pestilence. That's got to be a bit...
0:11:09 > 0:11:12- Pestilence is very bad.- A touch of...- That's going to be odorous.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15I can't imagine plague's going to be a barrel of laughs, as well.
0:11:15 > 0:11:16No, that's whiffy.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Well, here's the thing - there is a perfume specifically designed
0:11:20 > 0:11:23to smell like the Apocalypse.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25- What?!- And I have it here.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Two artists, Jon Thomson and Alison Craighead, they went through
0:11:28 > 0:11:32the Book of Revelation in the 1611 King James Bible
0:11:32 > 0:11:36and they put together everything that has a recognisable smell.
0:11:36 > 0:11:41So it's blood, rocks of the mountains, incense, wormwood,
0:11:41 > 0:11:45rod of iron, creatures of the sea, hail and fire, animal horns...
0:11:45 > 0:11:47HE COUGHS VIOLENTLY
0:11:47 > 0:11:49LAUGHTER
0:11:51 > 0:11:53- Augh!- ..flesh...brimstone.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Eurgh, it smells like racism!
0:11:59 > 0:12:03That's a good name for a perfume - "Racism".
0:12:05 > 0:12:09So they passed this list to an Edinburgh-based perfume maker,
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Euan McCall, and he turned it into a scent.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14A reporter for The Guardian newspaper had a sniff
0:12:14 > 0:12:17and described it as "digestive".
0:12:17 > 0:12:18What do you think it smells like?
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Well, it smells... It smells of the Apocalypse.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23It tastes of...
0:12:23 > 0:12:24GROANS
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Weirdly, it tastes of Romford.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32I think it smells of Glow by Jennifer Lopez.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37How do you have such an encyclopaedic knowledge
0:12:37 > 0:12:40- of all celebrities' fragrances? - Very impressive!
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Is it unpleasant? I haven't actually smelled it.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44I can't smell anything.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47- VOICE STRAINED:- It gets right to the back of your brain.
0:12:48 > 0:12:49According to Anna Williams,
0:12:49 > 0:12:52who's the associate professor in forensic anthropology
0:12:52 > 0:12:53at the University of Huddersfield,
0:12:53 > 0:12:56the smell of death is very, very complicated.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58There's about 480 individual odours,
0:12:58 > 0:13:01and, apparently, death, to begin with, rather pleasant -
0:13:01 > 0:13:03it smells of sort of freshly-mown grass,
0:13:03 > 0:13:04that sort of thing, leaf litter.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06A few days later, it smells of paint thinner -
0:13:06 > 0:13:08so, it's not quite so bad.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10- Once decomposition sets in...- Oh...
0:13:10 > 0:13:12..we're getting towards rotting cabbage.
0:13:12 > 0:13:17Then old fish, vomit and eventually sweet burning rubber.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20That's just taken you through the whole smell, there, of the thing.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22That's like me after a big night out.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26I went for a walk, once, with Caroline Quentin,
0:13:26 > 0:13:28and we found a dead horse...
0:13:29 > 0:13:30LAUGHTER
0:13:30 > 0:13:34..and it was in a sort of a pit, and it was...
0:13:34 > 0:13:40Actually, I think it was a donkey - and the stench was unbelievable.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42- It is, it's very high, isn't it?- Unbelievable.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Is this a real thing, or is this an episode of Jonathan Creek?
0:13:46 > 0:13:50Are you now starting to think that scenes are real?
0:13:50 > 0:13:53"And then - and then we were in this windmill, right?
0:13:54 > 0:13:55"Hang on, no..."
0:13:55 > 0:13:58The thing was, obviously we were filming Jonathan Creek,
0:13:58 > 0:14:00and then we were having a break between scenes
0:14:00 > 0:14:02- and we stumbled upon our own mystery.- Yeah!
0:14:02 > 0:14:06I think that was probably a real life game of Buckaroo gone wrong.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12- I love Buckaroo!- Not with a real donkey, you don't.- No.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15I mean, it's all fun and games till you put the chest on its back,
0:14:15 > 0:14:18and then it snaps the spine, RSPCA are called,
0:14:18 > 0:14:19you have to drag it into a pit...
0:14:19 > 0:14:22It's a nightmare. And then just as you're covering it up,
0:14:22 > 0:14:23bloody film crew turn up.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29"This looks like real life Buckaroo."
0:14:29 > 0:14:31HE HUMS JONATHAN CREEK THEME
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Trying to do an impression of myself, then!
0:14:33 > 0:14:35It's as bad as all my other impressions.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37I can't even do myself!
0:14:39 > 0:14:41There are dead things that smell nice.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Dead saints apparently smell beautiful.
0:14:43 > 0:14:47The odour of sanctity, which is known as osmogenesia,
0:14:47 > 0:14:49apparently, saints smell of lilies.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51It's one of the ways you know they're saints.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Padre Pio, who was a famous Italian priest...
0:14:53 > 0:14:55- Oh!- ..who became a saint...
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Who looks exactly the same as Obi-Wan Kenobi.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00- He does look just like Obi-Wan Kenobi!- He...
0:15:00 > 0:15:01Here's a tip for you, right?
0:15:01 > 0:15:05If you're ever at a holy shrine and there's a Padre Pio there,
0:15:05 > 0:15:07he's got the white hair, he's got the white beard,
0:15:07 > 0:15:10- he's got the long, brown robes... - Yeah.- ..and he stands like this...
0:15:10 > 0:15:13- MIMICS ALEC GUINNESS:- These are not the droids you're looking for.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17Save a fortune - half the price of a Star Wars figure at Toys R Us,
0:15:17 > 0:15:20- give it to your kids.- Yeah. - Save at Christmas.
0:15:21 > 0:15:22- You're welcome. - And smells of lilies.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24- Yeah.- Anyway, there you are.
0:15:24 > 0:15:28Now, who won the battle of the smellies?
0:15:28 > 0:15:31I know something where you have to make yourself smelly -
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Turkish wrestling.
0:15:33 > 0:15:34Oh, yes? Is that the point of it?
0:15:34 > 0:15:37They make themselves smelly to be appalling to their opponent,
0:15:37 > 0:15:39so they don't wash for days and they...
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Or maybe it isn't Turkish wrestling!
0:15:42 > 0:15:46- ROSS:- Are you think...? - You're thinking of fencing, mate.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50No, are you thinking of Turkish delight? That's the opposite.
0:15:51 > 0:15:52Is it big on Sky Sports?
0:15:52 > 0:15:56- No. No, it's not.- OK, so we're going to go to the 1950s.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59What happened in entertainment in the 1950s?
0:15:59 > 0:16:01- Television.- Television happened.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03- Smell-O-Vision.- Yeah, the cinemas were worried,
0:16:03 > 0:16:05because television was becoming so huge,
0:16:05 > 0:16:07and they thought they needed a gimmick,
0:16:07 > 0:16:09and so they began to pipe smells into films
0:16:09 > 0:16:11and there were two different systems.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14There was Smell-O-Vision and there was AromaRama,
0:16:14 > 0:16:18and they both released films within a couple of weeks of each other,
0:16:18 > 0:16:20and it became known as the battle of the smellies.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22And neither one of them was hugely successful.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25So, Smell-O-Vision was delivered by a device
0:16:25 > 0:16:26which was called the smell brain
0:16:26 > 0:16:28that was kept under the viewer's seat.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30But the technology was... Let's call it imperfect.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32So, some aromas were delivered with a bit of a delay,
0:16:32 > 0:16:34so they didn't match the images,
0:16:34 > 0:16:35which was quite bad.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Other smells made people nauseous,
0:16:37 > 0:16:40and the delivery mechanism apparently hissed really loudly,
0:16:40 > 0:16:43so that interfered with the viewers' enjoyment of the film.
0:16:43 > 0:16:44And then there was AromaRama,
0:16:44 > 0:16:46and that used the cinema's air conditioning system
0:16:46 > 0:16:49to deliver the smells from above, also very unpopular.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51There's a review in the New York Times in 1959
0:16:51 > 0:16:54that said that "when this viewer emerged from the theatre,
0:16:54 > 0:16:56"he happily filled his lungs
0:16:56 > 0:16:58"with that lovely fume-laden New York ozone.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01"It never has smelled so good."
0:17:01 > 0:17:04And the American singer-songwriter Melanie,
0:17:04 > 0:17:08she released an album in 1972 called Garden In The City,
0:17:08 > 0:17:10and it's got, you can see down here,
0:17:10 > 0:17:13a scratch and sniff label on the cover,
0:17:13 > 0:17:14and the instruction said,
0:17:14 > 0:17:19"Rub gently to release the magic of Melanie's garden." You could...
0:17:19 > 0:17:20LAUGHTER
0:17:22 > 0:17:24I think we'll move on.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Like all wars, the battle of the smellies
0:17:28 > 0:17:31resulted in no winners, and only losers.
0:17:31 > 0:17:36Why is the second smelliest man in the world so frustrated?
0:17:38 > 0:17:39Is he frustrated because everyone's like,
0:17:39 > 0:17:41"You must be the smelliest person in the world.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44- And he's like, "Yeah, you'd think..."- You'd think...
0:17:44 > 0:17:46"Do I have a certificate? No."
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Is it Boris Johnson?
0:17:51 > 0:17:55- It's a cattle herder from India called Kailash Singh.- Oh.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57He stopped washing in 1974
0:17:57 > 0:18:00because a priest told him that he would have a son
0:18:00 > 0:18:02if he didn't bathe or cut his hair.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05So, it's 40 years later, he hasn't had a single bath or a shower.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08He's got six-foot-long dreadlocks.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10He's father to seven daughters, and, no...
0:18:10 > 0:18:12GROANS
0:18:12 > 0:18:16What, can you believe he's had sex at all? It's...breath-taking.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18There's the lovely place of Varanasi,
0:18:18 > 0:18:20on the banks of the Ganges, there, where he lives.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23His family did once try and force him to bathe in the river,
0:18:23 > 0:18:26but he fought them off and said he would rather die.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29- So they killed him.- Yeah.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33But he now says he's going to wash in the next life.
0:18:33 > 0:18:34- Oh...- That's his plan.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36But he's only the second smelliest man in the world.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39The person currently believed to be the most unwashed man
0:18:39 > 0:18:41in the world is Amou Haji.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43We don't have a picture of him.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45I think it would be too much for the cameraman to get...
0:18:45 > 0:18:47No photographer can get near enough.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51"Use the zoom!"
0:18:51 > 0:18:52"It's too much!"
0:18:52 > 0:18:55"The lens is fogging!"
0:18:55 > 0:18:57"Run, run!"
0:18:57 > 0:18:59He hasn't washed for over 60 years.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02He lives, not surprisingly, in a remote village.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04You'd have to do it like the cheetahs -
0:19:04 > 0:19:05you'd have to set up a camera
0:19:05 > 0:19:08- and then try and attract him towards it.- Yeah, lure him.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Where's his village?
0:19:10 > 0:19:12He lives in southern Iran and he lives on roadkill.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16He gets more and more attractive as you go through.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20He particularly likes porcupine and he smokes animal dung in his pipe.
0:19:20 > 0:19:25And if he needs a haircut, he burns his hair off with fire.
0:19:25 > 0:19:26Hey, stop looking at me.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30We've been talking a lot about smell.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32How do you measure the unpleasantness of a smell?
0:19:32 > 0:19:34How might you decide?
0:19:34 > 0:19:38I mean, I don't know, but I once did a fart that was so bad, my dad...
0:19:38 > 0:19:42I didn't own up to it, and my dad went and got the Yellow Pages out,
0:19:42 > 0:19:45and he was looking for the number of a plumber
0:19:45 > 0:19:47because he thought a sewage pipe had leaked.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49LAUGHTER
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Did you not have a Labrador you could blame?
0:19:55 > 0:19:57- Yeah, dogs' farts are bad. - Dogs, they're very bad.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59My dog used to get up...
0:19:59 > 0:20:02The only time she ever left the room was if she'd farted.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05She'd be lying there by the sofa asleep,
0:20:05 > 0:20:08and I'd be watching Morse or something...
0:20:08 > 0:20:11..and then she'd just get up and go in the hall.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14And then immediately, I'd have to pause Morse and get up and go.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17We both would have to stand in the hall...
0:20:19 > 0:20:22..for a period of time until it would clear.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25There was only the two of us in the flat.
0:20:27 > 0:20:28Anyway, here's a thing -
0:20:28 > 0:20:31there's a Danish engineer called Professor Povl Ole Fanger,
0:20:31 > 0:20:34and he wants to create a new unit of measurement called an olf, OK?
0:20:34 > 0:20:38So one olf would be the emission of air pollutants
0:20:38 > 0:20:40given off by a standard person.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42And the idea is that any unpleasant smell could then be expressed
0:20:42 > 0:20:44by the number of people it would take
0:20:44 > 0:20:46to cause that level of unpleasantness.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48So you have an average person is an olf,
0:20:48 > 0:20:50and then, say that your fart,
0:20:50 > 0:20:54you know, well, "Wow, that's like 150 olfs", that it would be.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56- Yeah.- That was a lot of olfs. - That's a lot of olfs.
0:20:56 > 0:21:01My wife, her horses... Our bedroom has got a window,
0:21:01 > 0:21:04and the horses are out there, and they fart so loudly
0:21:04 > 0:21:06that sometimes I have to turn the telly up.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12So, on a summer's evening, just lying in bed, there,
0:21:12 > 0:21:13put the telly on, and just hear...
0:21:13 > 0:21:16- HE MAKES FART NOISE - ..like that.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18What, they're eating, or are horses particularly...?
0:21:18 > 0:21:19They have to or they die.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23But are they particularly gassy, horses?
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Oh, God, yeah, horses, they're shocking.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27I don't know how the Queen stands it in that carriage.
0:21:30 > 0:21:31Unbelievable.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Honestly.
0:21:34 > 0:21:35- Just buy a car.- Yeah.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38That's why the hat's always at a jaunty angle.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Anyway, moving on...
0:21:42 > 0:21:46What do the UK's stink pipes do?
0:21:47 > 0:21:49It sounds like a barber shop quartet, doesn't it?
0:21:49 > 0:21:50The Stink Pipes.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53Oh, that's a great title for a band, yeah.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55- "And now The Stink Pipes." - It's an actual thing.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Indeed, you may have passed one on the way to the studio.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00I think the nearest one to this studio is at Southwark Bridge.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04Are they letting out odours from...the sewers?
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Absolutely right, yes.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09- You can have another sticker.- Ooh! - You can have another sticker.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Very well done.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13There you are. Purple one.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Yes, you're absolutely right.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17They're sort of tall, hollow, cast iron pipes.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20They stand at quite often six to eight metres tall,
0:22:20 > 0:22:22and their purpose is to ventilate the potentially explosive...
0:22:22 > 0:22:25- Is it smelling?- Oh, yes, that one has, that smells,
0:22:25 > 0:22:29- doesn't it, Nish?- Yeah, yeah, that's a very strong smell!
0:22:29 > 0:22:31- But do they still work? - Yes, they still absolutely work,
0:22:31 > 0:22:33and they follow the routes of the main sewers.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Lots of them are still in operation.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37How cheap is that flat?
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Yeah, that's not nice, is it?
0:22:41 > 0:22:42You do have to update sewers
0:22:42 > 0:22:45because sewer explosions are not uncommon if they are not
0:22:45 > 0:22:48properly looked after and the gas isn't released and so on.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50So the River Fleet at King's Cross exploded in 1846.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52It destroyed a Clerkenwell poorhouse,
0:22:52 > 0:22:55and it smashed a Thames steam boat against Blackfriars Bridge.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Can we do anything with it yet?
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Has some scientist managed to, you know, like create...
0:22:59 > 0:23:02- With the sewage? - ..create power or something?
0:23:02 > 0:23:03Well, the gas, they used to burn
0:23:03 > 0:23:05the gas off sometimes at the top of the stink pipes.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07In fact, in Sheffield, you can still see that,
0:23:07 > 0:23:08some of the gas being burnt off.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11But whether they could actually power things with sewage,
0:23:11 > 0:23:13- that would be fantastic. - I mean, they can use...
0:23:13 > 0:23:18It's normally animal faeces, but very popular for making houses.
0:23:18 > 0:23:19Wattle and daub.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22- NISH:- Yeah, that's right! - Yes, it's fantastic stuff.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24And in the pioneer days, in the United States,
0:23:24 > 0:23:26when they were heading west across Nevada and places like that,
0:23:26 > 0:23:29there was no...nothing to burn, they used to burn buffalo dung,
0:23:29 > 0:23:31so it always used to be known as buffalo chips,
0:23:31 > 0:23:34so there are uses and perhaps we're just not being sensible about it.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36All I'm saying is that we've got
0:23:36 > 0:23:38all this sewage that isn't being used,
0:23:38 > 0:23:40we've got a housing crisis...
0:23:42 > 0:23:44New flats!
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Don't you think they are rather beautiful?
0:23:46 > 0:23:48This is the thing I love about the Victorians,
0:23:48 > 0:23:51they made things to be beautiful, even sort of rubbish things,
0:23:51 > 0:23:55so the interior of Crossness sewer pump station,
0:23:55 > 0:23:56which is in Belvedere in Kent...
0:23:56 > 0:23:58- There it is, look at that.- Wow!
0:23:58 > 0:24:01..is known as the Cathedral on the Marsh for its ornate design
0:24:01 > 0:24:04and it's just breathtakingly beautiful.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Listen, while we're speaking of beauty combined with bowels -
0:24:07 > 0:24:09and who hasn't started a conversation like that
0:24:09 > 0:24:11on a hot date - I just want to show you something
0:24:11 > 0:24:13which is one of my favourite buildings,
0:24:13 > 0:24:14and it is called the Rundetaarn
0:24:14 > 0:24:17and it is a 17th-century tower in Copenhagen
0:24:17 > 0:24:19and it's breathtakingly beautiful inside,
0:24:19 > 0:24:21it is one of the world's first observatories.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23There's the inside. Isn't that stunning?
0:24:23 > 0:24:26And it was designed so that the king could ride his horse up
0:24:26 > 0:24:28so that he didn't have to walk up the stairs,
0:24:28 > 0:24:31but what is extraordinary about it, it has a toilet at the top,
0:24:31 > 0:24:35which consists of a seat and a shaft straight down to the bottom
0:24:35 > 0:24:38and there was no way of emptying it, so it just filled up.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41It's one of the world's largest and earliest septic tanks.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Today it's got a glass plate over it so you can't smell anything,
0:24:44 > 0:24:46but it was point zero, used by
0:24:46 > 0:24:49the famous Danish astronomer Thomas Bugge in the 1760s
0:24:49 > 0:24:51as the starting point for his calculations
0:24:51 > 0:24:53for the measuring of Denmark, so he started the whole of
0:24:53 > 0:24:56the measuring and mapping of Denmark from that toilet seat.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59I have a lot of my best ideas while I'm taking a number two.
0:24:59 > 0:25:04I can only imagine one day I'll be like, "Denmark!"
0:25:04 > 0:25:06If you go, it's really beautiful,
0:25:06 > 0:25:10and at the very top is a kissing bench designed for couples.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12How close to the toilet is it?
0:25:14 > 0:25:18Now, whose social media is little more than an odious pile of crap?
0:25:18 > 0:25:21Is that a trick question, because isn't it everyone's?
0:25:23 > 0:25:25No, it's the white rhino.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27They use their poo as a kind of social media.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30Look at that, magnificent creature!
0:25:30 > 0:25:34They did a study by the University of KwaZulu-Natal in South Africa
0:25:34 > 0:25:36and they found that they have sort of communal latrines,
0:25:36 > 0:25:39places where they all get together and have a defecation
0:25:39 > 0:25:41and there are chemical clues
0:25:41 > 0:25:44and you can tell the age, the sex, the general health,
0:25:44 > 0:25:46the reproductive condition of the other rhinos.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48It gives away, basically, their profile,
0:25:48 > 0:25:51how they're feeling, what their relationship status...
0:25:51 > 0:25:53I don't think there are any videos of cats or anything like that,
0:25:53 > 0:25:56but through their dung, they can communicate with other rhinos.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59The Canadians used to have a political party, actually,
0:25:59 > 0:26:00called the Rhinoceros Party
0:26:00 > 0:26:04and part of their policy proposal was to abolish the environment
0:26:04 > 0:26:05because it caused too much trouble.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09That's just annoying!
0:26:09 > 0:26:12They named the party after Cacareco,
0:26:12 > 0:26:16a black rhino who was put up as a candidate in 1958 in Sao Paulo,
0:26:16 > 0:26:18in the elections in Brazil, and won!
0:26:20 > 0:26:24She got 100,000 votes before her election was nullified.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27And there are other animals. In 1954, a goat called Smelly
0:26:27 > 0:26:30was voted in as a city councillor in Brazil
0:26:30 > 0:26:33and, at the time of recording, there's a cat called Stubbs
0:26:33 > 0:26:36who is still the mayor of Talkeetna, Alaska.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40There he is, been mayor since 1997.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Right, time for a little food.
0:26:43 > 0:26:48I want you to smell this oil and tell me what has been added to it.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50There you go.
0:26:50 > 0:26:51Is it truffle?
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Well... KLAXON BLARES
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Idiot. I'm an idiot.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58That's the thing with being
0:26:58 > 0:27:00a worldwide international restaurant critic...
0:27:02 > 0:27:05..when I get a taste of the truffle, I can't... Yeah.
0:27:05 > 0:27:06Here is the thing -
0:27:06 > 0:27:09almost all truffle oil on the market has never seen a truffle.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12It's a mixture of olive oil and chemicals
0:27:12 > 0:27:13which gives it its truffle aroma.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16So what you do is you take methyl mercaptan,
0:27:16 > 0:27:19which is the main compound in bad breath and smelly feet,
0:27:19 > 0:27:23and you add it to some formaldehyde.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25I love the smell of truffle.
0:27:25 > 0:27:26The Epicureans said the scent smelled like
0:27:26 > 0:27:29the tussled sheets on a brothel bed.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33And medieval monks were not allowed to have truffles, because it
0:27:33 > 0:27:36was believed that it would make them forget their calling.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38I don't know... These are unbelievably expensive.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41We have some actual truffles there.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Is it nice?
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Is it nice like that?
0:27:52 > 0:27:53It's totally wasted on me.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Do not like it, darling?
0:27:55 > 0:27:57My idea of a really nice taste is a Bourbon.
0:28:01 > 0:28:05We're not talking French royalty, are we?
0:28:05 > 0:28:09No, we're talking you can get a packet of 100 in Tesco's for 40p.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12There's some surprising stuff
0:28:12 > 0:28:14in the world of food that you wouldn't know.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16So you wouldn't know mostly when you buy truffle oil
0:28:16 > 0:28:18that it's never been anywhere near a truffle.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20And also, can I recommend a book to you called
0:28:20 > 0:28:25Extra Virginity: The Sublime And Scandalous World Of Olive Oil, OK?
0:28:25 > 0:28:28And it turns out that there's a huge amount of
0:28:28 > 0:28:31fraudulent mislabelling in the olive oil world.
0:28:31 > 0:28:36Apparently, over 50% of olive oil sold in Italy is adulterated,
0:28:36 > 0:28:38and 75-80% in the United States is completely adulterated.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40You'd think you're getting that... Well, this is...
0:28:40 > 0:28:43They should have, on the extra virgin olive oil,
0:28:43 > 0:28:47just have, like, in brackets, "May contain slag."
0:28:47 > 0:28:48LAUGHTER
0:28:51 > 0:28:54APPLAUSE
0:28:57 > 0:29:00Definitely, possibly a double sticker on that one, I think.
0:29:00 > 0:29:03- There's a double, so I think that was definitely...- Excellent.
0:29:03 > 0:29:06- So the truffle oil that doesn't contain the truffles...- Yes.
0:29:06 > 0:29:10..if I was to take a highly trained truffle pig,
0:29:10 > 0:29:13would it sniff out the truffle oil, even though it smells a bit...
0:29:13 > 0:29:17it SMELLS like a truffle, but it doesn't have truffle in?
0:29:17 > 0:29:19- Could you check?- Yes.
0:29:20 > 0:29:23The exact sensitivity of a truffle pig is not my specialist area.
0:29:25 > 0:29:29Sally, can I just thank you for coming on and being so...?
0:29:29 > 0:29:32I mean, once I dressed up as a wolf, right?
0:29:32 > 0:29:35He's only built his house out of straw - idiot!
0:29:35 > 0:29:37So...
0:29:37 > 0:29:40LAUGHTER
0:29:40 > 0:29:43- So they're not...- Honestly, it feels like charity work sometimes!
0:29:43 > 0:29:45So, what I'm saying is,
0:29:45 > 0:29:49if you dipped a non-truffle in the artificial truffle oil
0:29:49 > 0:29:54and then it would be sold as a truffle and nobody...
0:29:54 > 0:29:56We're on to a moneymaking scheme!
0:29:56 > 0:29:58And there, I think...
0:29:58 > 0:30:01If you dipped a real truffle in some fake truffle smell?
0:30:01 > 0:30:02That's what you just said, isn't it?
0:30:02 > 0:30:05- No, no, no, it's all about fooling pigs.- OK.- So...
0:30:08 > 0:30:11- No, you get something that looks like a truffle...- Right, OK.
0:30:11 > 0:30:13- Goat shit.- Goat shit, Alan's right.
0:30:15 > 0:30:19If you tune in and you see Gloria Hunniford on Rip-Off Britain
0:30:19 > 0:30:21and a picture of me and a pig...
0:30:23 > 0:30:26I'll be in the Bahamas! Oh, yeah! I'm on Easy Street!
0:30:26 > 0:30:28If I see a picture of you and a pig with Gloria Hunniford,
0:30:28 > 0:30:30I won't be the least bit surprised.
0:30:32 > 0:30:37Now, do you have the ability to sniff out crime?
0:30:39 > 0:30:40Depends what kind of crime.
0:30:40 > 0:30:44He who smelt it dealt it - that is legally binding.
0:30:45 > 0:30:47Today I probably couldn't sniff out a crime,
0:30:47 > 0:30:49because of the cold, aforementioned.
0:30:49 > 0:30:52But, I mean, I guess you could smell certain types of crime?
0:30:52 > 0:30:57Well, they did some research in the Karolinska Institute in Sweden,
0:30:57 > 0:30:59a Professor Mats Olsson,
0:30:59 > 0:31:02and people can tell a criminal by smell as well as by sight.
0:31:02 > 0:31:07So they showed some video clips to people of crimes being committed,
0:31:07 > 0:31:09and asked them to smell, at the same time,
0:31:09 > 0:31:11the body odour of the person who was committing it.
0:31:11 > 0:31:15And when there was a line-up, just by the smell of the person,
0:31:15 > 0:31:18they were able to work out, 70% of the time, which is exactly the same
0:31:18 > 0:31:22as a visual line-up, they were able to work out which person it was.
0:31:22 > 0:31:26If the shirt don't whiff, you must...acquit.
0:31:27 > 0:31:29That is the law.
0:31:29 > 0:31:32I cannot wait to see the Swedish version of Sherlock,
0:31:32 > 0:31:34- cos it's just him going... - HE SNIFFS
0:31:34 > 0:31:36"Smell-a-mentory, my dear Watson."
0:31:36 > 0:31:37- LAUGHTER AND GROANS - Hey, come on!
0:31:37 > 0:31:39- APPLAUSE - Yes!
0:31:41 > 0:31:46Oh, no. You've blown it.
0:31:46 > 0:31:47- Has he got any stickers?- Uh...
0:31:47 > 0:31:50- Have you got any stickers, Nish? - No.- He hasn't got any.
0:31:50 > 0:31:52- No, cos I was going to ask for them back.- Take one back.
0:31:54 > 0:31:56If the five of us committed a crime
0:31:56 > 0:31:59and somebody was allowed to sniff our clothes immediately,
0:31:59 > 0:32:01then they would be able, by sniffing,
0:32:01 > 0:32:03to work out again which one of us it was.
0:32:03 > 0:32:05Is that where the term "smell a rat" comes from?
0:32:05 > 0:32:07"I smell a rat!"
0:32:07 > 0:32:08- No.- OK.
0:32:10 > 0:32:14But there are places... So in Alaska, Florida, New York,
0:32:14 > 0:32:16they use scent line-ups.
0:32:16 > 0:32:18But to fair, they use dogs, rather than human beings,
0:32:18 > 0:32:20because the human can smell with...
0:32:20 > 0:32:24We have about five or six million odour-detecting cells.
0:32:24 > 0:32:27- A dog, how many do you reckon? - 10 million.
0:32:27 > 0:32:29220 million.
0:32:29 > 0:32:31And actually, even rabbits have more than us -
0:32:31 > 0:32:32they have 100 million.
0:32:32 > 0:32:36What I don't understand about that is why they don't just
0:32:36 > 0:32:39continually wince and cry out at the stenches that they encounter.
0:32:39 > 0:32:41They must be able to turn it on and off.
0:32:41 > 0:32:43It's a bit like owls.
0:32:43 > 0:32:46An owl, because it's got its concave face and can amplify sound...
0:32:46 > 0:32:48I think this was on QI I learned this.
0:32:48 > 0:32:51LAUGHTER
0:32:51 > 0:32:54..can hear a vole's heartbeat underground,
0:32:54 > 0:32:57but how could it not be driven mad by constant noise?
0:32:57 > 0:33:00I mean, if a car backfires, it would blow its brains out.
0:33:01 > 0:33:04Well, what we're going to do now is we're going to test out
0:33:04 > 0:33:06how a dog does on sniffing things out.
0:33:06 > 0:33:10I have here some contraband, which I am going to give to you, Alan.
0:33:10 > 0:33:11OK.
0:33:11 > 0:33:14And what I would like you to do is put it in your pocket...
0:33:14 > 0:33:16- Put it in my... - ..and go and hide in the audience.
0:33:16 > 0:33:18Go and hide in Croydon!
0:33:20 > 0:33:23So the audience have got special masks to put on.
0:33:23 > 0:33:25So if they could put...those who've got masks could put them on.
0:33:25 > 0:33:28- NISH:- Oh, my God!- It's terrifying.
0:33:28 > 0:33:30- Urgh, it's like a sea of... It's awful.- Completely terrifying.
0:33:32 > 0:33:36Now this is a very special episode of Jonathan Creek.
0:33:37 > 0:33:40I never thought I'd be involved in a live game of Where's Wally?
0:33:44 > 0:33:47OK. We now welcome, please, to the studio, from the RAF Police,
0:33:47 > 0:33:50Corporal Sam Robson-Rodriguez and Rex.
0:33:50 > 0:33:52APPLAUSE
0:34:00 > 0:34:03Sam, thank you so much for coming in and supplying us
0:34:03 > 0:34:04with the dummy contraband.
0:34:04 > 0:34:07Tell me about Rex and what his job is.
0:34:07 > 0:34:09Well, Rex is a five-year-old black Lab.
0:34:09 > 0:34:11His main job is to search for drugs
0:34:11 > 0:34:14- anywhere we want to put him, basically.- And how's he trained?
0:34:14 > 0:34:16How do you make him be able to do that?
0:34:16 > 0:34:18Well, we start searching for, like, their toys, and then we just
0:34:18 > 0:34:21associate the toys with the drugs, so then they think they're searching
0:34:21 > 0:34:24for their toy, whereas in fact, we want them to search for the drugs.
0:34:24 > 0:34:26And how many scents can Rex recognise, do you think?
0:34:26 > 0:34:28He's trained on all the main scents,
0:34:28 > 0:34:30and basically anything that you can make out of that.
0:34:30 > 0:34:32- So, he looks keen to get going. - He does.
0:34:32 > 0:34:35- Right, Sam, please, over to you, my lovely.- Thank you very much.
0:34:38 > 0:34:39Rex. Come here.
0:34:39 > 0:34:41I do hope nobody in the audience has got anything...
0:34:43 > 0:34:46- Do you know what? I really hope somebody does.- NISH:- Yeah.
0:34:46 > 0:34:50That would be... Wouldn't that just be the best bit of telly ever?
0:34:50 > 0:34:52If you just... If he dragged someone to the floor and just,
0:34:52 > 0:34:54just dragged them out.
0:34:54 > 0:34:58- A live drug bust on QI.- Brilliant.
0:34:58 > 0:35:02He's so far...ignoring everybody. So that's good for that side.
0:35:03 > 0:35:07How will he...? How will he show if he knows?
0:35:07 > 0:35:11- They have either a stand indication or a sit indication.- Oh.
0:35:11 > 0:35:13Is he sniffing your crotch, Alan?
0:35:15 > 0:35:17- Is it in your left pocket? - Oh, my God!
0:35:17 > 0:35:20Let's have a round of applause, please, for Rex and Sam.
0:35:20 > 0:35:22APPLAUSE
0:35:26 > 0:35:28Sam and Rex, very good. Thank you very much.
0:35:34 > 0:35:37And thank you to all my Alans. What a very, very spooky sight that was.
0:35:37 > 0:35:40- That was very, very spooky. - It was extremely unpleasant.
0:35:40 > 0:35:43Right, it's time for the stinking miasma that is General Ignorance.
0:35:43 > 0:35:44Fingers on buzzers, please.
0:35:44 > 0:35:48In which country was the full bikini wax invented?
0:35:48 > 0:35:50- # Smell the roses... # - Sally?
0:35:50 > 0:35:53I think I'm going to fall into a hole. I'm going to say Brazil.
0:35:53 > 0:35:54It's not right, is it?
0:35:54 > 0:35:56- KLAXON No.- Argh!
0:35:56 > 0:35:58- It's not Brazil.- Croydon.
0:35:58 > 0:36:00It's not Croydon. Any more for any more?
0:36:00 > 0:36:02Australia? America?
0:36:02 > 0:36:04It is America. It is in the United States.
0:36:04 > 0:36:06So, there's a woman called Jonice Padilha
0:36:06 > 0:36:09of J Sisters salon in Manhattan.
0:36:09 > 0:36:12They pioneered the Brazilian bikini wax in the early 1990s,
0:36:12 > 0:36:16and Playboy tried to patent it as an idea.
0:36:16 > 0:36:18And in order to stop them doing that, she said, "Oh, no, no,
0:36:18 > 0:36:21"you can't do that, it's tremendously popular throughout
0:36:21 > 0:36:24"my entire home country and therefore it is unpatentable."
0:36:24 > 0:36:26And that is... You have to use proper wax there.
0:36:26 > 0:36:28Never just think you can use honey.
0:36:30 > 0:36:32You speak from experience, then?
0:36:32 > 0:36:34Oh, it stings in so many different ways.
0:36:35 > 0:36:39The salon still exists and it's opposite Trump Tower.
0:36:39 > 0:36:40So you can actually have a Brazilian
0:36:40 > 0:36:42and avoid being grabbed by the pussy at the same time.
0:36:44 > 0:36:47They came up with the process after other salons refused to wax
0:36:47 > 0:36:49- that area, apparently.- Oh, wow.
0:36:49 > 0:36:52Apparently one of the world's most expensive car waxes
0:36:52 > 0:36:53is also Brazilian.
0:36:53 > 0:36:56It is called Carnauba wax, made from a palm tree
0:36:56 > 0:36:57that only grows in north-east Brazil.
0:36:57 > 0:36:59- Handy if you've got a hairy car.- Yeah.
0:37:02 > 0:37:03You can get a French wax as well,
0:37:03 > 0:37:06but it only waxes a strip down the middle of the bonnet.
0:37:07 > 0:37:11Why should you be worried about how you store your toothbrush?
0:37:11 > 0:37:13Is it to do with things that crawl around at night
0:37:13 > 0:37:15and crawl about your brushes?
0:37:15 > 0:37:18LAUGHTER
0:37:18 > 0:37:20- Do you think there are things crawling about your bathroom?- Yeah.
0:37:20 > 0:37:22If you put your toothbrush in the wrong place,
0:37:22 > 0:37:25it's more susceptible to interference from...from...
0:37:27 > 0:37:28..night-time creatures.
0:37:28 > 0:37:30Are you worried about the Wombles?
0:37:32 > 0:37:35There is a common belief that if you keep your toothbrush
0:37:35 > 0:37:37in the same room as the toilet,
0:37:37 > 0:37:39it will get covered in faecal matter.
0:37:39 > 0:37:40So, here is the good news...
0:37:40 > 0:37:42Well, to be fair, that is true,
0:37:42 > 0:37:44but that's only after my wife and I had a bit of an argument.
0:37:46 > 0:37:49She told me two or three days later, so, you know...
0:37:50 > 0:37:52It's true. Your whole house has got faecal matter,
0:37:52 > 0:37:54but it has no effect on you whatsoever. It's fine.
0:37:54 > 0:37:57According to the American Dental Association, there's "insufficient
0:37:57 > 0:38:00"clinical evidence to support that bacterial growth on toothbrushes
0:38:00 > 0:38:05"will lead to specific adverse oral or systemic health effects."
0:38:05 > 0:38:09It's good, it's good to know, now I can use my toothbrush to just
0:38:09 > 0:38:12buff me downstairs. Free from worry.
0:38:12 > 0:38:15It's good to know you don't have to worry about creatures
0:38:15 > 0:38:16crawling around your toothbrush.
0:38:18 > 0:38:20Really, really small cougars at night.
0:38:23 > 0:38:26Can you name an animal well known for playing possum?
0:38:28 > 0:38:30- Is this a trick question?- Yes.
0:38:30 > 0:38:33I've been playing this game for 15 years now...
0:38:33 > 0:38:34- and I smell a rat! - FART
0:38:34 > 0:38:37- Ah.- A possum.- Possum.
0:38:37 > 0:38:39KLAXON A possum, yay!
0:38:42 > 0:38:44- It isn't.- Feigning death, right, is that what that is?
0:38:44 > 0:38:46It is, it's called thanatosis.
0:38:46 > 0:38:48But it isn't the possum that does it,
0:38:48 > 0:38:51it is the expression that we use - it is the opossum.
0:38:51 > 0:38:54- So it's one of those great confusions.- Irish possum.
0:38:54 > 0:38:57IN IRISH ACCENT: It is an O'possum. An O'possum.
0:38:57 > 0:39:00The opossum is on the right there, the little white-faced one.
0:39:00 > 0:39:03And the possum is on the left. They're both marsupials.
0:39:03 > 0:39:05The possum actually lives in Australia,
0:39:05 > 0:39:07the opossum lives in the United States.
0:39:07 > 0:39:09And apart from them both being marsupials,
0:39:09 > 0:39:11there's not really much that they have in common.
0:39:11 > 0:39:13The similarity between the name
0:39:13 > 0:39:16stems from Captain's Cook's voyage to Australia.
0:39:16 > 0:39:19The naturalist Joseph Banks, he mistook the animals
0:39:19 > 0:39:21that he saw for American opossums.
0:39:21 > 0:39:23We were in Australia when my daughter was very little, and
0:39:23 > 0:39:26we used to go... The only way she'd go to sleep at night is if we
0:39:26 > 0:39:29could go out in the street and find a possum, and then she could rest.
0:39:29 > 0:39:31- Aw.- And they used to walk along the telephone wires -
0:39:31 > 0:39:33that was the best place to find them.
0:39:33 > 0:39:38We had possums that lived in our roof, and they used to sigh.
0:39:38 > 0:39:41So you'd be watching the telly, and you would, you'd hear in the roof,
0:39:41 > 0:39:43you'd hear, "Oh..."
0:39:45 > 0:39:48They do it quite a lot, and you'd be sort of like, "They're off again."
0:39:48 > 0:39:51And then, "Oh..." There was one day, I was in the house by myself...
0:39:51 > 0:39:52What were you watching?
0:39:52 > 0:39:54Well, this was the thing - I was watching documentaries,
0:39:54 > 0:39:56and there was a "Oh... Oh..."
0:39:56 > 0:39:59- Did they want you to change channels?- Yeah.
0:39:59 > 0:40:01I put it onto the music channel - not a peep out of them.
0:40:04 > 0:40:08There are lots of animals that react to a threat, so the turkey vulture,
0:40:08 > 0:40:11they regurgitate their last meal, usually rotting carrion.
0:40:11 > 0:40:13Always attractive!
0:40:13 > 0:40:16The king ratsnake, also known as the stinking goddess,
0:40:16 > 0:40:19it empties its anal glands when it's attacked.
0:40:19 > 0:40:23- The stinking goddess! That's a hell of a takeaway!- OK.
0:40:23 > 0:40:26"I'm going for it, I'm going to do it.
0:40:26 > 0:40:28"I'll have a stinking goddess, bring it on!
0:40:30 > 0:40:32"You only have one stag night, right?"
0:40:37 > 0:40:39The honey badger, who's got a bit of the Donald Trump look,
0:40:39 > 0:40:44I think, about it, can turn its anal pouch inside out.
0:40:45 > 0:40:47It's a most extraordinary thing.
0:40:47 > 0:40:49Apparently, it puts off predators
0:40:49 > 0:40:51but it has a calming effect on bees.
0:40:51 > 0:40:53I mean, that's a good thing.
0:40:53 > 0:40:56Honey forms a major part of their diet, but the bees go,
0:40:56 > 0:40:58"Oh, look an anal pouch turned inside out..."
0:41:00 > 0:41:02According to the Guinness Book of Animal Records,
0:41:02 > 0:41:06the smelliest animal on Earth is the zorilla, or striped polecat.
0:41:06 > 0:41:08You're going to love this.
0:41:08 > 0:41:12The emissions from their anal glands not only stink, but can temporarily
0:41:12 > 0:41:17blind predators and cause painful burning sensations on the skin.
0:41:17 > 0:41:19So that is a seriously stinky creature.
0:41:19 > 0:41:22Yeah, and you can't get it out of your jeans.
0:41:22 > 0:41:24The smell or the animal?
0:41:24 > 0:41:27"So sorry, officer, er..."
0:41:29 > 0:41:31Just have a look at this VT, which I really love.
0:41:31 > 0:41:35The karaftohelix snail, it does the complete opposite of playing possum.
0:41:35 > 0:41:37Have a look. Rather than retreat into its shell,
0:41:37 > 0:41:38it goes on the offensive.
0:41:38 > 0:41:42It uses its shell - look at that - as a battering ram to hit.
0:41:42 > 0:41:44- Oh, that's very cool. - Isn't that wonderful?
0:41:44 > 0:41:47That is very cool, to be able to do that.
0:41:47 > 0:41:49If I could swing my arse like that...
0:41:51 > 0:41:54- You wouldn't be wasting your time sat here, would you?- No.
0:41:55 > 0:41:58If you think you see a possum playing possum,
0:41:58 > 0:42:00then they're probably dead.
0:42:00 > 0:42:02So, let's check it out.
0:42:02 > 0:42:06In first place, coming up smelling of roses with three points,
0:42:06 > 0:42:10it's Nish. APPLAUSE
0:42:10 > 0:42:11I still haven't got a sticker.
0:42:13 > 0:42:15In second place, with minus two, Alan!
0:42:15 > 0:42:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:18 > 0:42:20In third place, with minus three, Ross.
0:42:20 > 0:42:22APPLAUSE
0:42:24 > 0:42:28In last place, stinking the place up, with minus five, it's Sally!
0:42:28 > 0:42:31APPLAUSE
0:42:35 > 0:42:38So, we like to give a prize.
0:42:40 > 0:42:43Taking home tonight's prize, a truly odious odour -
0:42:43 > 0:42:47the actual scent of the Apocalypse goes to Sally. There you go.
0:42:50 > 0:42:53It only remains for me to thank Sally, Ross, Nish and Alan.
0:42:53 > 0:42:56And I leave you with this tall tale from a toilet.
0:42:56 > 0:42:58Tallulah Bankhead was in a cubicle in the ladies'.
0:42:58 > 0:43:00"Do you have any toilet paper?"
0:43:00 > 0:43:02she asked the occupant of the next stall.
0:43:02 > 0:43:03"No," came the reply.
0:43:03 > 0:43:05"Then, do you have any Kleenex?" she asked.
0:43:05 > 0:43:07"Sorry, no," the lady said again.
0:43:07 > 0:43:10"Then, can you change a ten for two fives?"
0:43:10 > 0:43:12Thank you, goodnight!