0:00:25 > 0:00:26APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Hey, good evening.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Welcome to QI,
0:00:35 > 0:00:40for a show which is an overwhelming O-ssortment of operations.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44And joining me in my theatre team are, Dr No, Bill Bailey.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:49 > 0:00:50Dr Who, Rhod Gilbert.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Dr Doolittle, Katherine Ryan.
0:00:57 > 0:00:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:01 > 0:01:02And...
0:01:02 > 0:01:05"Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a pair of curtains", Alan Davies.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:07 > 0:01:09- Pull yourself together. - Pull yourself together.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Right, let's see how the patient's doing. Rhod goes...
0:01:13 > 0:01:16FLAT-LINING HEART MONITOR BEEP
0:01:16 > 0:01:18LAUGHTER
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Oh, that's bad, we've lost one already. OK, Katherine goes...
0:01:21 > 0:01:23REGULAR HEART MONITOR BEEP
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Oh, that's better, that's much better. Yes.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27OK. Bill goes... RAPID HEART MONITOR BEEP
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Wow, that's... And Alan goes...
0:01:30 > 0:01:31BEEP
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Vehicle reversing. Vehicle reversing.
0:01:33 > 0:01:34Vehicle reversing...
0:01:38 > 0:01:40- They're so loud, some of those trucks.- They are!
0:01:40 > 0:01:42I was about 50 yards away
0:01:42 > 0:01:45and it was going, "This truck is turning left!"
0:01:45 > 0:01:47"It's turning left!" And it wasn't.
0:01:47 > 0:01:48I know, it's annoying.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Right, let's start with a special operation.
0:01:51 > 0:01:56How can you turn a muffin into an offensive weapon?
0:01:56 > 0:01:57I have muffins for you all.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00There you are, there's some muffins, help yourselves.
0:02:00 > 0:02:01Douse it in petrol.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03- OK.- I don't know, just chuck it at someone?
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Chuck it at somebody? Rhod, what do you reckon?
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Turning a muffin into some kind of offensive weapon?
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Just remove the "may contain nuts" label from it.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12LAUGHTER
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Yeah. We're in World War II.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17You drop it out of a plane.
0:02:17 > 0:02:18Just a single muffin?
0:02:18 > 0:02:20A muffin.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22"That'll teach you, Germans! Yeah."
0:02:22 > 0:02:24"Argh, it's got me in the eye!"
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Was it poisoned, was it presented to Hitler?
0:02:27 > 0:02:29"Oh, there you go, obst und mein Fuhrer."
0:02:29 > 0:02:31It is the most bizarre thing, Bill.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34During World War II, flour mix was invented
0:02:34 > 0:02:37that could either be eaten or used as an explosive.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39LAUGHTER
0:02:39 > 0:02:42And, yeah, so the mix was invented by the Office of Strategic Services,
0:02:42 > 0:02:44so that's the CIA's parent organisation.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45Wow.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48It consisted of 75% explosive powder and 25% ordinary wheat flour,
0:02:48 > 0:02:50which is the way I like my muffins.
0:02:50 > 0:02:51LAUGHTER
0:02:51 > 0:02:52And if the holder was challenged,
0:02:52 > 0:02:55it could either be eaten, or you could blow somebody up.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57- So the early versions made you quite ill.- No shit!
0:02:57 > 0:03:00- Yeah.- Yeah. I think that was part of the problem.- Yes, yes.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02LAUGHTER
0:03:02 > 0:03:04But, later versions, they made it fully edible
0:03:04 > 0:03:06and it didn't matter whether you had made the flour into a cake.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09You could stick a fuse into a muffin and it would still blow up.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Have you ever done that thing of making an exploding cake
0:03:11 > 0:03:13for a children's birthday party?
0:03:13 > 0:03:15It's very naughty, but it's terribly funny.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17- And potentially fatal.- Yes.
0:03:17 > 0:03:18LAUGHTER
0:03:18 > 0:03:20You make a totally hollow cake and then you stick a balloon
0:03:20 > 0:03:22in the middle and then you ice the whole thing
0:03:22 > 0:03:24and when they cut into it, it goes, boom!
0:03:24 > 0:03:26LAUGHTER
0:03:26 > 0:03:28- A very good idea. - That's a good trick, isn't it?
0:03:28 > 0:03:31- I'm very, very pleased with it. - That's a brilliant idea, yes.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33And there were all sorts of things disguised in World War II
0:03:33 > 0:03:37- so that the British sabotage outfit, which was the S...- SOE.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Special Operations Executive.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Because they were in the North African Desert,
0:03:41 > 0:03:43they invented exploding camel dung,
0:03:43 > 0:03:46and they also smuggled explosives into occupied Europe
0:03:46 > 0:03:50inside artificial turnips, lumps of coal, crabs, lobsters and tuna fish.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Of course, the Germans had it, as well,
0:03:52 > 0:03:54they had bombs that were disguised as a chocolate bar.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56They had a mess tin full of bangers and mash,
0:03:56 > 0:03:57which in fact was exploding.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Irresistible to the British Tommy!
0:03:59 > 0:04:01LAUGHTER
0:04:02 > 0:04:04"We jolly well shouldn't eat this, Roger."
0:04:04 > 0:04:06"You're right, we shouldn't eat it."
0:04:06 > 0:04:08"Enjoying your breakfast, Tommy?" "Yes, thank you." Boom!
0:04:08 > 0:04:10LAUGHTER
0:04:10 > 0:04:12And bombs were sometimes left in books
0:04:12 > 0:04:15and were triggered by the removal of a picture
0:04:15 > 0:04:17of a scantily-clad woman!
0:04:17 > 0:04:18COMEDIC GASPS
0:04:18 > 0:04:21"Don't remove the picture, Roger." "I can't resist her."
0:04:21 > 0:04:22Can't resist her.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24LAUGHTER
0:04:24 > 0:04:28In 1942, an SOE agent by the name of Monty Woodhouse, he parachuted
0:04:28 > 0:04:32into Greece to blow up a viaduct called the Gorgopotamos viaduct.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34And when he got there, unfortunately,
0:04:34 > 0:04:38some local children thought his plastic explosive was fudge
0:04:38 > 0:04:40and made themselves sick eating it.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43And the bit I like about the story, he writes about it as,
0:04:43 > 0:04:46"Thankfully, there was enough left over to still blow up the bridge."
0:04:46 > 0:04:47LAUGHTER
0:04:47 > 0:04:49That's the kind of thing you'd take to a children's party,
0:04:49 > 0:04:51- frankly.- Yes, yes.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Here, children, fudge, help yourselves, enjoy.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57Lots of SOE agents were dropped into Europe covered in Vaseline -
0:04:57 > 0:04:58anybody know why?
0:04:59 > 0:05:01LAUGHTER
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Where do you want us to take this?
0:05:05 > 0:05:06The door of innuendo has been opened.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11All the clothes that the SOE had made for them
0:05:11 > 0:05:14when they went in to Europe had to be in the European styles
0:05:14 > 0:05:16and new clothes were very rare in Germany at the time,
0:05:16 > 0:05:18so they were artificially aged by the SOE tailors,
0:05:18 > 0:05:20and the way they did that, they would wear them
0:05:20 > 0:05:22at home for a week and then they would smear
0:05:22 > 0:05:25the suits in a thin film of Vaseline and then sandpaper them.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27So it was just the suits they smothered in Vaseline?
0:05:27 > 0:05:30- Yes, not the actual...- You led us down a merry road there, didn't you?
0:05:30 > 0:05:32And that, I think you'll find, Rhod, is my job.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36These two different armies flying down together
0:05:36 > 0:05:38with their different-shaped parachutes...
0:05:38 > 0:05:41They don't look like parachutes, they look like Quavers, don't they?
0:05:41 > 0:05:42They are Quavers.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46- That's what the Quaver started out as.- As a parachute?
0:05:46 > 0:05:49- As an exploding crisp.- Oh.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53- One of those has got their landing techniques wrong.- In what way?
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Well, they can't both work.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59One's gone feet together, one's gone akimbo.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02I don't think health and safety was paramount back then.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04I mean, that just looks like a bed sheet.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Health and safety was chronically neglected during the war.
0:06:07 > 0:06:08I think that.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10LAUGHTER
0:06:11 > 0:06:14Many things went on that were totally unacceptable.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16The streetlights were out the whole time...
0:06:16 > 0:06:19- You'd bump into things, wouldn't you?- You'd bump into things.
0:06:19 > 0:06:20Stub your toe.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24It doesn't look much of an invading force, does it?
0:06:24 > 0:06:28- It's not the most terrifying force. - It's just Roger and Tom, isn't it?
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Anyone that spots you, it doesn't matter.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33LAUGHTER
0:06:33 > 0:06:37OK, muffins away, which is not something I've ever said before.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39I might have mine after.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42I'm about to carry out an operation.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45What's the first question I should ask myself?
0:06:45 > 0:06:47LAUGHTER
0:06:47 > 0:06:48Is there a balloon in the patient?
0:06:48 > 0:06:50LAUGHTER
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Should I have taken all these selfies with the sleeping patient?
0:06:53 > 0:06:54LAUGHTER
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Am I sober?
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Yes. Where am I?
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Should I at least have a quick look on Wikihow?
0:07:02 > 0:07:03LAUGHTER
0:07:03 > 0:07:06So, there's a list of questions.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08- Is there? An official list? - There's a list of questions.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10The first thing you have to ask yourself is,
0:07:10 > 0:07:12do we have the right patient?
0:07:12 > 0:07:15- Do we have the right patient? - Is the very first question.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Make sure you know which bit of the body
0:07:17 > 0:07:19you are going to be operating on.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22- I thought "location" meant am I in the hospital?- Yeah.- Yes.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25I'm in the shed with the pliers, is this best practice?
0:07:25 > 0:07:26LAUGHTER
0:07:26 > 0:07:30If it had said "identity" and then "location, location, location".
0:07:30 > 0:07:31LAUGHTER
0:07:31 > 0:07:33What are we doing in that location?
0:07:33 > 0:07:35In other words, what is the procedure that we're going to do?
0:07:35 > 0:07:37And did the patient, before they were conked-out,
0:07:37 > 0:07:39say that it was OK to do this?
0:07:39 > 0:07:42- Ah.- So these are the things. - It's really basic stuff, this.- Yeah.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44I thought our surgeons were kind of ahead of this stuff.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47That's the extraordinary thing. 2008, the World Health Organization,
0:07:47 > 0:07:50they composed a set of 19 questions to be asked before
0:07:50 > 0:07:54and after all surgical operations to reduce hospital errors.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56And it's called the Safe Surgery checklist.
0:07:56 > 0:07:57And it sounds really simple
0:07:57 > 0:08:01but the use of this checklist has reduced deaths by 40%...
0:08:01 > 0:08:04Oh, no!
0:08:04 > 0:08:05..and complications by one third.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08So is that the... So before all these checks then,
0:08:08 > 0:08:11were there just surgeons just going, "Right, bring him in!"
0:08:11 > 0:08:12Yeah, yeah.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14LAUGHTER
0:08:14 > 0:08:15"Right, all done! Right, come on."
0:08:15 > 0:08:17"Let's just tuck in, come on!"
0:08:17 > 0:08:19"He looks like he could have his leg off."
0:08:19 > 0:08:20"Come on. Next!"
0:08:22 > 0:08:26"My leg! My leg! And you've left the poisonous arm!"
0:08:26 > 0:08:28LAUGHTER
0:08:28 > 0:08:30What about when you have your leg cut off and then you still
0:08:30 > 0:08:34- feel like you've got an itchy foot, even though it's been cut off?- Yes.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36- Phantom leg itch.- Yes.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38What about if you get that with two legs,
0:08:38 > 0:08:40and you've got a phantom third leg?
0:08:43 > 0:08:45That's what every boy thinks he's got.
0:08:45 > 0:08:46LAUGHTER
0:08:46 > 0:08:49The strangest thing is when people have heart surgery or something
0:08:49 > 0:08:52and they've never liked Chinese food before and they wake up
0:08:52 > 0:08:54and they love Chinese food and discover that the person
0:08:54 > 0:08:57whose heart they've been given really liked Chinese food.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59- Oh, is that true?- So they say. - Who says that?- So they say.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02People who've had heart surgery who didn't like Chinese before,
0:09:02 > 0:09:04those people.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06It's a very niche group.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08The really weird one, the woman who had a bang on the head
0:09:08 > 0:09:10- and when she woke up she could speak French.- Yes.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Yes, and why don't they just do that anyway, for all of us?
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Cos it was very boring, learning French at school.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18- Yeah.- It's not guaranteed to work, I don't think.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21It's unpredictable, that's the problem with it,
0:09:21 > 0:09:23as an educational tool.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25- Did you speak French in Canada? - Yeah.
0:09:25 > 0:09:30But the way that I learned French is that my parents, I think as a prank,
0:09:30 > 0:09:32just put me into an all-French school when I was four years old.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34They didn't speak a word of French.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40My dad's from Ireland, so he barely speaks English.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43My mum's Canadian, they put me in this all-French school, and
0:09:43 > 0:09:47I vividly member coming home that day being like, "What's going on out there?"
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Thinking the whole world was this other language.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52And they wouldn't answer you in English.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54But what my parents didn't really account for is
0:09:54 > 0:09:57I had two sisters after me and we all went to that school.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01They gifted us a secret language.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04All our teenagehood we could make plans right in front of them.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Of course, cos they didn't speak... That's a marvellous idea.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08"Lorsqu'ils sortent, on va avoir le party?"
0:10:08 > 0:10:12We could do anything we wanted right under their nose.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15- I mean, we didn't.- No.- Obviously.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18One surgeon who had no problem identifying the patient whatsoever
0:10:18 > 0:10:20was a Soviet surgeon called Leonid Rogozov.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23So he realised he had appendicitis, but he was visiting
0:10:23 > 0:10:27the Antarctic, so he had no choice but to operate on himself.
0:10:27 > 0:10:31- Oof!- So he described the pain as...
0:10:31 > 0:10:37"A snowstorm whipping through my soul, wailing like 100 jackals."
0:10:37 > 0:10:38LAUGHTER
0:10:38 > 0:10:40I think he wrote that long after he was better
0:10:40 > 0:10:43because I don't think you're going to come out with that sentence
0:10:43 > 0:10:45- while you're... - "What's it feel like, Leonid?"
0:10:45 > 0:10:48"It feels like a snow storm whipping through..."
0:10:48 > 0:10:50So, he got two assistants to hold a mirror for him,
0:10:50 > 0:10:53and he gave them instructions what to do if he lost consciousness.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55"Not my face, you idiots!"
0:10:55 > 0:10:57LAUGHTER
0:10:57 > 0:10:59He worked on himself for an hour and 45 minutes,
0:10:59 > 0:11:01and he was back at work within a fortnight.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03He worked on himself for an hour and 45...
0:11:03 > 0:11:05- LAUGHTER - Sorry, sorry, sorry.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Well, it's that kind of thought, Rhod,
0:11:08 > 0:11:12that led a man called Boston Corbett to perform self-surgery.
0:11:12 > 0:11:13Here is Boston Corbett.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15He is famous in history as the man
0:11:15 > 0:11:19who killed Abraham Lincoln's assassin, John Wilkes Booth.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23But he believed that he was very tempted by ladies, and that he
0:11:23 > 0:11:27didn't like this, so he castrated himself with a pair of scissors.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29- Ooh! - GASPS
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Oh, good action, good action from the audience there.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33In order to avoid temptation of prostitutes...
0:11:33 > 0:11:35He cut his own testicles off with a scissors
0:11:35 > 0:11:36to avoid the temptation of...
0:11:36 > 0:11:39- Yes.- Why didn't he just walk down a different street?- Yes.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41LAUGHTER
0:11:41 > 0:11:44He was... I don't know how to put this nicely. It was religious craziness.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47He thought that eunuchs were more likely to get into heaven.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51- Oh, my word!- I like him, I wish more men would take this path.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Every house has got scissors.
0:11:53 > 0:11:54LAUGHTER
0:11:54 > 0:11:59They say that delivering a child hurts as much as having
0:11:59 > 0:12:03your leg amputated at the thigh without any pain relief.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07Who has been through those two things that could tell?
0:12:07 > 0:12:08LAUGHTER
0:12:08 > 0:12:11- BILL:- That's unlucky. That's a bad day, isn't it?
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Possibly the least professional surgeon of all time
0:12:13 > 0:12:15is a man called Nicolas-Marie-Alexandre Vattemare.
0:12:15 > 0:12:19He lived between 1796 and 1864.
0:12:19 > 0:12:24- Hang on a minute.- OK, so... - That is terrible plastic surgery.
0:12:24 > 0:12:28He trained as a surgeon but he was not allowed to qualify
0:12:28 > 0:12:31because the whole time he was working on cadavers
0:12:31 > 0:12:35he kept getting them to speak and upsetting all the other surgeons.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38"Blah, blah, blah." "Put it down!"
0:12:38 > 0:12:43Apparently he was a really good ventriloquist. And he couldn't resist making dead bodies talk.
0:12:43 > 0:12:48I have to say, it looks a lot like Andrew Lloyd Webber, I have to say.
0:12:48 > 0:12:52Barry Cryer tells a wonderful story about a ventriloquist that he worked with,
0:12:52 > 0:12:55and the ventriloquist came in with his little trunk of things
0:12:55 > 0:12:59and took out one of the dummies and put it up on the wall like that, and said to the others,
0:12:59 > 0:13:01"Don't look in my trunk, OK? Cos I've got a lot of secrets."
0:13:01 > 0:13:05Out he goes, out the room, and of course everybody has a look, right? I mean, they can't help themselves.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08They hear him coming, they close the trunk, and as he walks in,
0:13:08 > 0:13:12the dummy on the wall goes, "They've been looking in your trunk." LAUGHTER
0:13:12 > 0:13:14The man who invented the game Operation.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17- Do you remember the game Operation? - Yeah.- Yes.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19There he is, John Spinello.
0:13:19 > 0:13:24He sold the rights to the game for just 500 in 1964.
0:13:24 > 0:13:29And in 2014 he had to crowdfund enough money to have an actual operation.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31- I know.- We didn't have that game in Wales.
0:13:31 > 0:13:35- Did you not? Why? - It was a six month waiting list.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37LAUGHTER
0:13:37 > 0:13:40APPLAUSE
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Thank you very much.
0:13:44 > 0:13:45No, it's good to have you here.
0:13:47 > 0:13:51Now, doctors, what's your diagnosis here?
0:13:51 > 0:13:52LAUGHTER
0:13:53 > 0:13:57- He's fallen asleep on a stag do. - LAUGHTER
0:13:57 > 0:14:00He was running a circus school and his students hated him.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02The world's worst.
0:14:02 > 0:14:03It's a party game, is it?
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Pin the sword on the nutter.
0:14:05 > 0:14:06LAUGHTER
0:14:08 > 0:14:10So, this is possibly one of the earliest
0:14:10 > 0:14:12anatomical drawings for medics.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14He was known as the Wound Man.
0:14:14 > 0:14:18It's a medieval image, first printed in a book, 1491, in Venice.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22It's all the various things, so he's been injured, if you look there,
0:14:22 > 0:14:24with daggers, he's been shot with arrows, he's been lacerated,
0:14:24 > 0:14:27he's been stung by bees, scorpions, been clubbed in the head.
0:14:27 > 0:14:28Bitten by a dog, scratched by thorns.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31Blasted by cannonballs, he's definitely got plague
0:14:31 > 0:14:33and bad spots, and he appears to have a toad in his stomach.
0:14:33 > 0:14:37So, it's, as it were, the contents page to the book.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40What a shame though, for a guy who obviously looks after himself
0:14:40 > 0:14:41and goes to the gym.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43LAUGHTER
0:14:43 > 0:14:45To go down like that.
0:14:45 > 0:14:46- He eats Paleo.- Yeah.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49You know, he's really healthy, he thought he'd have a long life...
0:14:49 > 0:14:51- Uh-oh.- Yeah, all of those things happen to him.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53He's a curious contradiction, though,
0:14:53 > 0:14:56because he doesn't look after his appearance enough
0:14:56 > 0:14:58- to remove a sword from his head.- No.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01But he does buy his underwear in Agent Provocateur.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03LAUGHTER
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Yeah. They're quite snug.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07They are on the tight side, aren't they?
0:15:07 > 0:15:09- Yeah. Ironically, that's the most pain he's in.- Yeah.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12LAUGHTER
0:15:12 > 0:15:15"It's gone right up me arse, that has!" Ooh.
0:15:15 > 0:15:16If I'd been...
0:15:16 > 0:15:18The first three or four of those had gone in,
0:15:18 > 0:15:22I'd think, "right, I'm going to put something more protective on than a thong.
0:15:22 > 0:15:26He's come back from a sort of Civil War re-enactment, you know.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28"So, how did it go?" "Don't ask!"
0:15:30 > 0:15:33"They nicked my armour, I'm left in my pants, look at this!"
0:15:33 > 0:15:35LAUGHTER
0:15:35 > 0:15:36Oh, dear.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38The doctor's going to go, "I'm going to try something new."
0:15:38 > 0:15:41"Don't pooh-pooh it straightaway, it's called acupuncture.
0:15:41 > 0:15:42Yeah.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44LAUGHTER
0:15:44 > 0:15:46They also had one for women, it isn't just the Wound Man.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48They had Disease Woman.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50LAUGHTER
0:15:51 > 0:15:53There she is. And...
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Is Marvel running out of superheroes?
0:15:55 > 0:15:56LAUGHTER
0:15:56 > 0:15:57Look over there, it's Disease Woman!
0:15:57 > 0:16:00The wound man. Ian Fleming talked to his publisher
0:16:00 > 0:16:02and he wanted to call one of his books Wound Man.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05But his editor said no. Why do you think that might be?
0:16:05 > 0:16:08- You'd read it the wrong way. - The Wound Man.- It might be Wound Man. That's exactly right.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10And in fact, it turned into Dr No.
0:16:10 > 0:16:14In the United States they have an exceptionally complex system
0:16:14 > 0:16:18for categorising injuries. It's called the ICD-10 System.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20The International Classification of Diseases.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23There are 140,000 detailed codes for different complaints,
0:16:23 > 0:16:25and they are extremely specific.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28So they include "bitten by orca".
0:16:28 > 0:16:33"Forced landing of spacecraft injuring occupant."
0:16:33 > 0:16:36"Asphyxiation due to being trapped in a car trunk."
0:16:36 > 0:16:40"Burn due to water-skis on fire..."
0:16:42 > 0:16:43That's really hard!
0:16:43 > 0:16:46- How could that ever happen?- I don't know.- That is so unlucky.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49But my absolute favourite - "hurt at opera".
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Otherwise known as the Abraham Lincoln.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58Yes. The first attempts to categorise diseases in this country
0:16:58 > 0:17:00are the Bills of Mortality.
0:17:00 > 0:17:01And there was a man called John Graunt,
0:17:01 > 0:17:03who was actually a haberdasher, but he was very interested
0:17:03 > 0:17:06in trying to work out the various things that people died of.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08So we're talking 16th century. And he put together these
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Bills of Mortality, and they're great. If you have a look,
0:17:11 > 0:17:13these are the different things that people died of. They are just...
0:17:13 > 0:17:17"Griping in the guts," 1,288 people died of that, "griping in the guts".
0:17:17 > 0:17:18Griping.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21- "Lethargy" is already my favourite. - That's a good one.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23- That's quite good, yeah. - "Oh, I can't be bothered."
0:17:23 > 0:17:24- That's the way I want to go.- Yeah!
0:17:24 > 0:17:27- Lethargy. - Just too lethargic to live.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29I quite like "frighted". 23 people died "frighted".
0:17:29 > 0:17:32That's good - "killed by several accidents".
0:17:34 > 0:17:37I like the "found dead in the streets, field, etc."
0:17:37 > 0:17:40"What, how did he die?" "I don't know, they just found him."
0:17:40 > 0:17:42- He, no, he was just, he was just dead.- Just found him.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Some of these Bills of Mortality, they just had,
0:17:44 > 0:17:47"Cause of death - suddenly." That's it, just...
0:17:48 > 0:17:50- That'll sort you out.- Yeah.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52- "Teeth and worms"! - How do you die of teeth and worms?
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Two thousand, six hundred and...
0:17:54 > 0:17:57I'll tell you what, Wound Man would have read that, and he'd go,
0:17:57 > 0:18:00"Yeah, I've had that, I've had that, I've had that.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03- "I've had all them." - Brain surgery - new, old?
0:18:03 > 0:18:04Oh, no, it's probably old, isn't it?
0:18:04 > 0:18:07I don't know. This is not brain surgery,
0:18:07 > 0:18:09but it's about a doctor's understanding of the brain.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11There was a guy who got, on the railroads,
0:18:11 > 0:18:12who got, he had an accident
0:18:12 > 0:18:14and he got a four-foot metal rod through his head.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16- Right.- Phineas somebody.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18- Phineas Gage.- Phineas Gage.- Yeah.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Phineas Gage had an accident, pole through his head,
0:18:21 > 0:18:22and they left it in
0:18:22 > 0:18:25because they didn't want to take it out in case it killed him.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28- Yeah.- And he was fine until a train came through.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33And then it affected his mood, so they were wondering where it had,
0:18:33 > 0:18:35had it damaged his frontal cortex? Because I mean, I don't know
0:18:35 > 0:18:38why they were so surprised it affected his moods, to be honest.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40- Yeah.- But his boss was saying he started swearing,
0:18:40 > 0:18:42his wife left him, I think.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45All his friends saying, "He's a real misery now."
0:18:45 > 0:18:47I should imagine his wife left him.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49- He probably couldn't get in the house.- I know.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52"Watch what you're doing with your pole!" "What?" "Ow!"
0:18:52 > 0:18:56He had to do a three-point turn on the trains, just to turn round.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59But we're going back much further than the 19th century, so Neolithic.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01It's probably the oldest of the practised medical arts,
0:19:01 > 0:19:04- brain surgery.- Would this be trepanning, or something like that?
0:19:04 > 0:19:06- So, trepanning, yes.- Yes. - They'd drill a hole in the head
0:19:06 > 0:19:08because they want to get out the little tiny bits of bone that have
0:19:08 > 0:19:11gone into the brain when they've been hit with a club or something.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14A drill, though, how did they have a drill in Neolithic times?
0:19:14 > 0:19:16- Ah, well, they would have had, like, a chisel.- What would it have
0:19:16 > 0:19:19- been in Neolithic times? What would the chisel be made out of?- Stone.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21A stone chisel. And then the hammer was made out of stone?
0:19:21 > 0:19:24- Yeah.- And the bed was made out of stone, I'm guessing?
0:19:24 > 0:19:26There was a lot of stone. There was a lot of stone, yeah.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Have you seen The Flintstones? It's just like that, yeah.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33But surely in Neolithic period, they didn't know that your brain
0:19:33 > 0:19:36was as important as it is. Because wasn't there a time
0:19:36 > 0:19:39when they thought that your whole personality was in your chest?
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Yeah, but everybody would have known what it was to have a headache.
0:19:42 > 0:19:43I don't think that's a new thing.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Can you imagine if you'd said that to Phineas Gage?
0:19:45 > 0:19:48"Yes, Phineas, we all know what it's like to have a headache."
0:19:51 > 0:19:54I think maybe a lot of your personality is somehow in your chest.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58And if you have a heart transplant and all of a sudden you like Chinese food, something's going on.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02Something's going on, but whether your cognitive function is in your chest, I would dispute.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Mine is. Mine might be.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06OK, some girls feel that. That's fine.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11I like her.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17I think we think from here sometimes.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Yes, we think in an emotional manner, rather than...
0:20:19 > 0:20:21- Yes, I would agree with you.- Yeah.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23It's a good foot above where we think from.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Wound Man was a medieval superhero
0:20:27 > 0:20:29whose superpower was having everything wrong with him.
0:20:29 > 0:20:34What would you do if you found 2,000 skeletons in your closet?
0:20:34 > 0:20:36I would cancel my dog's credit card.
0:20:40 > 0:20:41Katherine, what do you reckon?
0:20:41 > 0:20:43I live in a Catholic church conversion,
0:20:43 > 0:20:45so it is likely there are.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48- Oh. Does it feel spooky? - It doesn't feel spooky.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51My nana was really upset, but it's been deconsecrated
0:20:51 > 0:20:53so that you can swear in it, and do all sorts.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56I expect that happened before, don't you?
0:20:56 > 0:20:57- She checked.- Oh, really? OK.- Mm-hmm.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00- Is she Catholic? - She is Irish Catholic, so, I mean...
0:21:00 > 0:21:02- Oh, right.- And dead.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08And yet she still came over to check. That's love.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11She was a little too nosy for her own good.
0:21:11 > 0:21:132,000 skeletons, you suddenly discover them,
0:21:13 > 0:21:14what are you going to do with them?
0:21:14 > 0:21:16That is a game of sardines that went too far.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18LAUGHTER
0:21:18 > 0:21:19A hidden mass grave.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22So, a collection of thousands of skeletons was discovered in Rome
0:21:22 > 0:21:26in 1578, and nobody knew who they were, and the Church thought,
0:21:26 > 0:21:30"This is fantastic," because for several decades, the Protestants had
0:21:30 > 0:21:35been stealing their relics, and what they really needed was new ones.
0:21:35 > 0:21:41So, they employed psychics to try and see if there were any martyrs amongst them.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43And a few of them had an M inscribed nearby,
0:21:43 > 0:21:45and they thought, "That'll do, we'll have them."
0:21:45 > 0:21:49Even though, like, Marcus was a really popular name at the time.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51And when they found a likely candidate, they gave them
0:21:51 > 0:21:55a new name and a back-story and they sent them out to the churches across Europe.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58They couldn't actually sell them as relics, but what they could do is
0:21:58 > 0:22:02they could charge them transport, decoration, induction, blessing.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05They would dress them up, they would cover them in jewels,
0:22:05 > 0:22:07like this, and put them on display.
0:22:07 > 0:22:11The real problem with this was they didn't send them with any instructions.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13So it was like a flat-pack without instructions.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Come on, put a bit of make-up on it!
0:22:15 > 0:22:17- So loads of the skeletons were just...- Bunged together.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Honestly, just all over the shop.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Looks like the House of Lords, doesn't it?
0:22:24 > 0:22:27But there was a huge rush to name your children after the Saints.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29So, when St Valentine would go on display,
0:22:29 > 0:22:31boys would be called Valentine, girls would be called Valentina.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34And in the most extreme cases in some villages up to half the
0:22:34 > 0:22:37children would have the same name cos they were all named after the skeleton.
0:22:37 > 0:22:41And very, very rich people would try and buy relics of a saint who had the same name as them.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43It's like a personalised license plate that you get today.
0:22:43 > 0:22:47It's the same sort of thing. And hundreds remain to this day.
0:22:47 > 0:22:48Now, time for a secret operation.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52What is the point of a tap in the ocean?
0:22:52 > 0:22:54That's not a real picture.
0:22:56 > 0:22:57It isn't a real picture
0:22:57 > 0:23:02because in Britain you'd have two taps for no reason at all.
0:23:02 > 0:23:03OK, I don't understand this.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06So you have a... You have a hot tap and you have a cold tap, right?
0:23:06 > 0:23:08- What? Yes! - Yes, well, how is that?
0:23:08 > 0:23:09- So you're trying to wash your hands. - Yes...
0:23:09 > 0:23:12And what happens, you put it under the hot tap, you go, "Argh!"
0:23:12 > 0:23:15- "Argh, argh!"- And then you go for the cold tap, and go, "Argh!"
0:23:15 > 0:23:18- "Ooh-hoo-hoo, oh, hoo-hoo! Argh! Ooh-hoo-hoo!"- Yeah.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20How is it the British haven't discovered there's a mixer tap?!
0:23:20 > 0:23:23- What is it...? What...? - It's the only excitement we get.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Oh, is that...? Did you find that baffling when you arrived?
0:23:25 > 0:23:28- I still find it baffling.- Yeah, no. - And I don't understand radiators.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Why you want to heat an entire house
0:23:30 > 0:23:33with a small hot metal plate in the corner.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35- It doesn't work! - What would you do instead?
0:23:35 > 0:23:38We have forced air in Canada, otherwise you freeze to death.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40- What do you have? A four what?- What?
0:23:40 > 0:23:43- Forced air, just same as air-con. - You know...- Oh, forced air-con.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46- Yes.- Yeah.- I've never heard the term... I'm 40...
0:23:46 > 0:23:48..late 40s, and I don't...
0:23:48 > 0:23:53I genuinely didn't know how old I was then, but I've never...
0:23:53 > 0:23:55I'm not going to bother sitting here working it out,
0:23:55 > 0:23:58but I mean, I'm 50 soon, and I've never heard the term forced air.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01- Well, not in that context. - I love the fact...
0:24:01 > 0:24:04I love the fact, Rhod, that I'm asking you some quite complicated
0:24:04 > 0:24:07science questions, and you don't know how old you are.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12- I'm about 49.- You're about 49.- About 49.- Have you just worked it out?
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Yeah.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17I'm so used to saying "I'm 50 in a few years,"
0:24:17 > 0:24:19I'm so used to saying that, that, for a moment, it stumped me.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22No, but the thing is, though, it is quite good to KNOW how old you are,
0:24:22 > 0:24:27and the producer has just told me in my ear, Rhod, that you're 48.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30APPLAUSE
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Ha-ha!
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Is there a really easy way to remember how old you are?
0:24:38 > 0:24:40- Yeah.- Yeah. - Is there like a little...?
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Like some kind of song I can sing, or something? Or...
0:24:42 > 0:24:45I've never needed a mnemonic for my age, but I'm sure we can invent one.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48I'm going to come back to what's the point...?
0:24:48 > 0:24:50- What's the point?!- What's the point? That's the question.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52- What was the question?- Yes.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54What's the point of a tap in the ocean?
0:24:54 > 0:24:55My wife wrote a poem for me.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59Oh, God Almighty! LAUGHTER
0:24:59 > 0:25:01- Yes?- It was really good.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Really funny poem about all things I do, like yelling at the kids
0:25:03 > 0:25:06and being ill mannered and hungover and stuff.
0:25:06 > 0:25:10Very accurate character assassination in rhyme.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12But it was all about how I was 48.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15And I read the whole thing and said, "You know I'm 49 today?"
0:25:16 > 0:25:18I'll have it.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25God, you don't think she was thinking of Rhod, do you?
0:25:25 > 0:25:26- I've written one for you.- Yeah?
0:25:26 > 0:25:29- I've written one for you. - OK, here we go.- How about like,
0:25:29 > 0:25:31# What year are we in today?
0:25:31 > 0:25:33# When am I born? Just take that away
0:25:33 > 0:25:35# You don't have to be a whiz
0:25:35 > 0:25:38# That's how old Rhod Gilbert is. #
0:25:38 > 0:25:43APPLAUSE
0:25:43 > 0:25:45- Sweet!- Very good.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47I've just followed your poetic guidelines - I'm 48.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49- Is this... - At the risk of repetition,
0:25:49 > 0:25:52WHAT IS THE POINT OF A TAP IN THE OCEAN?!
0:25:52 > 0:25:56Is it so that when sea levels rise, you can turn it off? I don't know.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58- So it's not actually a water tap. - It's not a tap.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00- No, it's a rather... - Oh, tap, oh...
0:26:00 > 0:26:02And so what else could you tap? What is another kind of tapping
0:26:02 > 0:26:05- that people do when they're trying to listen in?- I know.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07- TAPS DESK - There's a shark behind you.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09- Yeah.- Is it a wire,
0:26:09 > 0:26:13when they put a transatlantic radio communications wire?
0:26:13 > 0:26:15So, it's Cold War.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18It's called Operation: Ivy Bells, and it took place from 1971 to 1981,
0:26:18 > 0:26:22and it was the USA wire-tapping a Russian underseas cable.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24That thing - they're moving it into position there -
0:26:24 > 0:26:27is a giant tape recorder, and they just put it onto the wire.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29- Good God! - So the sailors on a submarine,
0:26:29 > 0:26:32- the USS Halibut, located a Soviet cable...- USS Halibut!
0:26:33 > 0:26:36They located a Russian cable off the Russian east coast,
0:26:36 > 0:26:39and they moved a six-metre long recording pod around it
0:26:39 > 0:26:40to track the communications.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43The thing I really like about it, because this - we're talking
0:26:43 > 0:26:46some years ago now - the device had to be updated every month,
0:26:46 > 0:26:50so divers had to leave a submarine once a month and change the tapes.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54But it was hugely successful, it ran for a decade,
0:26:54 > 0:26:56until a National Security Agency employee of the United States
0:26:56 > 0:26:58sold the information to the KGB.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01Spying was a lot more hassle back then,
0:27:01 > 0:27:03when you've got to train a team of divers, get submarines...
0:27:03 > 0:27:05- Yeah.- Now you just need somebody's maiden name
0:27:05 > 0:27:08- and their first pet's name, and you're off.- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11Or if you're the Russians, you just have to go and see Donald Trump
0:27:11 > 0:27:13and ask him.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16APPLAUSE
0:27:18 > 0:27:2099% of all international data
0:27:20 > 0:27:22- is transmitted through underseas cables.- Good Lord!
0:27:22 > 0:27:24And so you know when we talk about the cloud?
0:27:24 > 0:27:25It's actually underwater.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27The cloud is underwater, Sandi?
0:27:30 > 0:27:32- Good Lord.- That's done your head in, hasn't it, Rhod?
0:27:32 > 0:27:34- Yes.- How old am I again?
0:27:34 > 0:27:37# Happy birthday to you... #
0:27:39 > 0:27:41I'm going to write down 48 and make a badge.
0:27:41 > 0:27:42There we go.
0:27:42 > 0:27:47550,000 miles of cable, so, enough to get to the moon and back. And...
0:27:47 > 0:27:49If you were on the moon, and you jumped off...
0:27:49 > 0:27:51- Yes? - ..would you land on the earth?
0:27:51 > 0:27:54Hold on, hold on, what are you doing on the moon anyway?
0:27:54 > 0:27:56Well, I don't know, maybe...
0:27:56 > 0:27:58Have you been left behind by a spacecraft?
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Yeah. You got an Uber, and it went horribly wrong.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02It depends which side you're on.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05I just think if you jumped off the moon, you would just fall...
0:28:05 > 0:28:07- ..and you'd land on earth. - Yeah.- No.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09I don't think you'd be in a great state.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11I mean I think you'd be like Wound Man by the time you got down.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14- BILL:- Yes. - KATHERINE:- They know about space, this is my problem with the sea.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17- Right.- They can tell us all kinds of things about planets and space
0:28:17 > 0:28:20and other galaxies, they've been to the moon, allegedly,
0:28:20 > 0:28:23but they've not been to the bottom of the sea.
0:28:23 > 0:28:25I've been to the bottom of the sea, in parts of it.
0:28:25 > 0:28:29- Have you?- Yes. - What's down there?- My feet.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34I don't know, I'm with you, Katherine. I think this...
0:28:34 > 0:28:36It's an indulgence, all this fiddling around in space.
0:28:36 > 0:28:38You don't like birds, you don't like fish, what's wrong with you?
0:28:38 > 0:28:41I like birds, I like being on earth, it's boring up there.
0:28:41 > 0:28:44How do birds know to stop?
0:28:44 > 0:28:48- LAUGHTER Stop what?- Flying?- Stop going up.
0:28:48 > 0:28:51Oh, right. They go round...
0:28:51 > 0:28:53You'd think that you'd get into space and there'd be
0:28:53 > 0:28:56loads of dead birds going round and round.
0:28:57 > 0:28:59The air gets thinner and they can't fly around up there.
0:28:59 > 0:29:03But when they fall dead, when they hit the ground,
0:29:03 > 0:29:05we don't know, they're just found dead in the field.
0:29:05 > 0:29:08They don't hit the ground, they just fall down to an area where they can fly again.
0:29:08 > 0:29:10So they sort of black out?
0:29:10 > 0:29:14LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:29:14 > 0:29:16And then come back down and suddenly they go. "Oh!"
0:29:16 > 0:29:19"Oh, F...!"
0:29:19 > 0:29:22Just out of interest, which particular bird are you being?
0:29:22 > 0:29:26I'll tell you what you were there, you were a bar-tailed godwit.
0:29:26 > 0:29:29Cos the bar-tailed godwit, they fly the longest of any bird.
0:29:29 > 0:29:32Because what they do, they do a very weird and quite disgusting thing
0:29:32 > 0:29:35called autophagy, where they actually consume their own
0:29:35 > 0:29:38internal organs, partially, to keep them going on the long flight.
0:29:38 > 0:29:40And what do they do when they get there and they've got no liver?
0:29:40 > 0:29:43- Just sort of "ping!"- They make another one.- They make another one. Yeah.
0:29:43 > 0:29:46Their livers regrow. It's the most extraordinary thing.
0:29:46 > 0:29:49Wow, I know a few drinkers who would love that trick.
0:29:49 > 0:29:52On the cables, because of the incredible pressure under the sea,
0:29:52 > 0:29:55it is very difficult to lay them, and what they have,
0:29:55 > 0:29:58it looks exactly like a plough that places them down onto the seabed.
0:29:58 > 0:30:01- Sandi...- Yeah, look at that. - What were we talking about?- Cables.
0:30:01 > 0:30:02- Underwater cables.- Oh, yeah.
0:30:04 > 0:30:06LOUDLY: You're 48!
0:30:08 > 0:30:10So, the cables are different thicknesses depending on the water,
0:30:10 > 0:30:13so in shallow water they can be as thick as a soft drink can, but once
0:30:13 > 0:30:17they are down under the deep water they are as thin as a garden hose.
0:30:17 > 0:30:20- Good Lord.- The very first undersea cable that linked France and England.
0:30:20 > 0:30:23- 1851.- Oh, look, it's Wound Man.
0:30:23 > 0:30:27APPLAUSE
0:30:32 > 0:30:36It took two minutes to send a single character. So, one letter or one number.
0:30:36 > 0:30:37So, one word every 10 minutes.
0:30:37 > 0:30:40One of the very first messages of the transatlantic cable, which
0:30:40 > 0:30:44was laid in 1858, they sent a 98-word word letter from Queen Victoria
0:30:44 > 0:30:47to President James Buchanan, it took 16 hours to send it.
0:30:47 > 0:30:50And basically she just said "hi".
0:30:50 > 0:30:54By the time we get to World War I, there's a really intricate network of cables
0:30:54 > 0:30:57connecting Britain, France, Germany and the US, and in fact,
0:30:57 > 0:31:00Britain's very first hostile action at the outbreak of World War I,
0:31:00 > 0:31:04so, five hours after it started, was to cut-off Germany's undersea cables.
0:31:04 > 0:31:07And that meant Germany could only communicate by wireless,
0:31:07 > 0:31:08and that's good for Britain because...?
0:31:08 > 0:31:11- They could... - Listen in.- They could listen in.
0:31:11 > 0:31:13But Britain had really thought ahead.
0:31:13 > 0:31:16They had a network of cables called the All Red Line,
0:31:16 > 0:31:19and it was a worldwide network, and they were able to communicate
0:31:19 > 0:31:22cos it only passed through British territory, and so to cut
0:31:22 > 0:31:25it off you would have had to have 49 separate cutting missions.
0:31:25 > 0:31:28So, they protected themselves and were able to communicate.
0:31:28 > 0:31:31- This looks like a post-Brexit map to me.- It does, doesn't it?
0:31:31 > 0:31:34LAUGHTER
0:31:34 > 0:31:37Now, which body part was used to stop the Netherlands flooding
0:31:37 > 0:31:40in 1953?
0:31:40 > 0:31:42Yes, Bill?
0:31:42 > 0:31:44Somebody put their finger in a dyke.
0:31:44 > 0:31:45Oh!
0:31:45 > 0:31:47KLAXON
0:31:49 > 0:31:51No, it's been mentioned on QI before,
0:31:51 > 0:31:53the story of the Dutch boy sticking his finger in the dyke is a myth.
0:31:53 > 0:31:56What other body part might you put in a hole to...?
0:31:58 > 0:32:01Anybody?
0:32:01 > 0:32:02- The penis.- Penis!
0:32:02 > 0:32:04KLAXON
0:32:04 > 0:32:05Hurray!
0:32:05 > 0:32:07I was sucked into that!
0:32:08 > 0:32:11I can categorically tell you no dyke needs a penis. So...
0:32:11 > 0:32:14Wahey!
0:32:14 > 0:32:16APPLAUSE
0:32:19 > 0:32:22No, sadly 100 men just put their shoulders against the water barrier,
0:32:22 > 0:32:24that's all. So it feels...
0:32:24 > 0:32:26GROANS OF DISAPPOINTMENT I know, tame, it feels really tame.
0:32:26 > 0:32:28- Is that what it is?- Yeah.
0:32:28 > 0:32:30- Where did the finger...? OK, so that's a myth.- It's a story.
0:32:30 > 0:32:32What is a short story, sorry?
0:32:32 > 0:32:35A little boy put his finger in the dyke to stop the place flooding.
0:32:35 > 0:32:37- Apparently.- But it's not true.
0:32:37 > 0:32:41It's like you've woken up from being cryogenically frozen.
0:32:41 > 0:32:44That is how I feel a lot of the time.
0:32:44 > 0:32:47- There is a famous story...- Is there?- ..about a single...
0:32:47 > 0:32:50Oh, "famous"? You had a little dig there.
0:32:52 > 0:32:54There is a poorly known story...
0:32:54 > 0:32:56- Thank you.- ..about a hole springing in one of the dykes in Holland
0:32:56 > 0:32:59and a little boy put his finger in the hole until somebody came
0:32:59 > 0:33:01and rescued him, but it is in fact just a short story about...
0:33:01 > 0:33:03- What was the kid's name?- The child's name was...
0:33:03 > 0:33:06IN DUTCH ACCENT: Thomas.
0:33:06 > 0:33:08I made that up. I have no idea.
0:33:08 > 0:33:11I don't know the name of the dyke, either, and that's unusual for me.
0:33:11 > 0:33:14APPLAUSE
0:33:15 > 0:33:17But there is a story of plugging a hole,
0:33:17 > 0:33:19it's done in a rather more dramatic manner.
0:33:19 > 0:33:21So, these were the great North Sea floods, and there was a danger of
0:33:21 > 0:33:24three million people being at risk if this particular dyke had burst.
0:33:24 > 0:33:28And what the mayor of the town did, he requisitioned a grain barge,
0:33:28 > 0:33:32and he ordered the captain to steer it directly at the dyke head-first,
0:33:32 > 0:33:34and it plugged the breach and it saved thousands of lives.
0:33:34 > 0:33:37So, yeah, there is a story where somebody did something heroic, but
0:33:37 > 0:33:41it was neither done with a finger nor their nether part of any kind.
0:33:41 > 0:33:43That must have been difficult, the water rushing.
0:33:43 > 0:33:45Yes. And the captain having to decide to do that.
0:33:45 > 0:33:48Trying to steer it. They could make that a film with Tom Hanks.
0:33:48 > 0:33:50Yeah.
0:33:50 > 0:33:53But almost half the population live below sea level,
0:33:53 > 0:33:55and a lot of the country's windmills are in fact used
0:33:55 > 0:33:57to pump water uphill to reclaim land.
0:33:57 > 0:33:59So the Netherlands is actually much bigger than it used to be.
0:33:59 > 0:34:01- Anybody ever been to Schiphol airport?- Yas.
0:34:01 > 0:34:04It's now the site of the Netherlands' biggest airport.
0:34:04 > 0:34:06It was the scene of a sea battle in 1573.
0:34:06 > 0:34:08Is that why they are so tall, the Dutch, then?
0:34:08 > 0:34:11Because...their feet are wet? I don't know what...
0:34:11 > 0:34:14Because it's so low, because it's so...low.
0:34:14 > 0:34:16So they need to be able to see over the wall?
0:34:16 > 0:34:18I don't think that's the reason.
0:34:18 > 0:34:21Welsh people are only 5'8" on average, but we've got hills.
0:34:21 > 0:34:26- Right, so people in flat places tend to be tall?- It's just a theory.
0:34:26 > 0:34:28LAUGHTER
0:34:28 > 0:34:3030% of the flooding in the Netherlands has been done
0:34:30 > 0:34:33deliberately since 1500 and is done for defensive reasons.
0:34:33 > 0:34:36The Dutch always had very flat-bottomed gunboats,
0:34:36 > 0:34:38so the depth of only about 30 centimetres, Dutch boats could
0:34:38 > 0:34:40still get through, but it would stop the enemy from getting through.
0:34:40 > 0:34:42So they used the water for defensive purposes.
0:34:42 > 0:34:44ALAN SPEAKS IN DUTCH-STYLE ACCENT
0:34:44 > 0:34:48Did you know that some British canals have got plugs in them?
0:34:48 > 0:34:52In 1978, a man called Bill Thorpe was employed to work on
0:34:52 > 0:34:55the 18th century Chesterfield Canal - there it is, extremely beautiful -
0:34:55 > 0:34:57and he was dredging the canal to get rid of rubbish,
0:34:57 > 0:35:00and he accidentally pulled the plug out.
0:35:00 > 0:35:03And when he got back to work the next day, the canal was gone.
0:35:03 > 0:35:05Gone!
0:35:05 > 0:35:08Most canals were built with some form of emergency drainage,
0:35:08 > 0:35:10but he had no idea there was a plug.
0:35:10 > 0:35:13Now for the mopping-up operation that we call General Ignorance.
0:35:13 > 0:35:15Fingers on buzzers, please.
0:35:15 > 0:35:21To the nearest five years, what was the average age in the Home Guard?
0:35:21 > 0:35:22Yes, Rhod?
0:35:22 > 0:35:2460.
0:35:24 > 0:35:25KLAXON
0:35:25 > 0:35:2760 is a very, very fine answer.
0:35:27 > 0:35:29How can that be a buzzer, that?!
0:35:29 > 0:35:31Katherine, do you know what the Home Guard is?
0:35:31 > 0:35:33Have you ever seen Dad's Army?
0:35:33 > 0:35:35- Know it well.- So, what do you reckon, average age?
0:35:35 > 0:35:38- 67.- Still too...
0:35:38 > 0:35:3935.
0:35:39 > 0:35:41- It's 30. It's...- 30. - I was going to say 30! Oh!
0:35:41 > 0:35:44- Damn!- I went up to 35!- Yes.
0:35:44 > 0:35:47But 30 was my first thought!
0:35:47 > 0:35:49Half of the membership was younger than 27, and a third was under 18,
0:35:49 > 0:35:51so the average age was about 30.
0:35:51 > 0:35:54My dad was from Ebbw Vale, and my mum was from Abertillery,
0:35:54 > 0:35:56and they used to have... The Home Guards in each of
0:35:56 > 0:35:59those towns in the Welsh valleys used to battle each other, you know.
0:35:59 > 0:36:02What they used to have to do was take the flag off the town hall
0:36:02 > 0:36:05of the opposite town's thing.
0:36:05 > 0:36:09And he said that all the Ebbw Vale boys were up in the hills,
0:36:09 > 0:36:11trying to make their way through the kind of forests and stuff,
0:36:11 > 0:36:14across to Abertillery, and then they looked down and saw on the road
0:36:14 > 0:36:17below, and the Abertillery boys were going into Ebbw Vale on the bus.
0:36:22 > 0:36:24It was incredibly popular, being in the Home Guard.
0:36:24 > 0:36:27So when they established it, they thought about 150,000 men
0:36:27 > 0:36:31would volunteer, and in the first 24 hours, 250,000 men signed up.
0:36:31 > 0:36:35At the end of June, 1940, over a million, 1942, nearly two million.
0:36:35 > 0:36:37My grandfather was an ARP warden,
0:36:37 > 0:36:40and I thought that was quite special when I was a kid.
0:36:40 > 0:36:43And then I looked into it, and there were 1.2 million ARP wardens.
0:36:43 > 0:36:46- Yeah, it was, it was...- People just volunteered for everything.
0:36:46 > 0:36:47They wanted to help.
0:36:47 > 0:36:50If you put it in context, the Chinese People's Liberation Army,
0:36:50 > 0:36:52which is the largest army in the world, has got 2.2 million men.
0:36:52 > 0:36:55And we had two million people in the Home Guard.
0:36:55 > 0:36:57But they did very important work - anti-aircraft guns,
0:36:57 > 0:36:59coastal artillery, and in fact, over the war,
0:36:59 > 0:37:021,206 Home Guard men were killed on duty, or died of their wounds.
0:37:02 > 0:37:04- So, not quite the comic thing that Dad's Army shows us.- I see.
0:37:04 > 0:37:07What is the tallest mountain in the UK?
0:37:07 > 0:37:14- Well, I'm going to say Ben Nevis. You'll ring the thing. - KLAXON
0:37:14 > 0:37:17- Erm... Snowdon. - KLAXON
0:37:17 > 0:37:18I'm on a roll here.
0:37:18 > 0:37:22It is called Anton Dohrn, is the highest mountain in the UK.
0:37:22 > 0:37:25It probably rises about this much out off the ground
0:37:25 > 0:37:26and then goes down 10 miles underneath.
0:37:26 > 0:37:28- It's underwater.- Oh, I knew it.
0:37:28 > 0:37:31- It's underwater, 100 miles off the north-west coast of Scotland. - That doesn't count!
0:37:31 > 0:37:33And it's named after a German, of course.
0:37:33 > 0:37:35It was discovered by a fishing vessel called Anton Dohrn.
0:37:35 > 0:37:37He was a 19th-century biologist.
0:37:37 > 0:37:43But it's 1,700 metres in height. It beats Ben Nevis by about 350 metres.
0:37:43 > 0:37:45There is Anton Dohrn, the German biologist.
0:37:45 > 0:37:47But the thing that is interesting,
0:37:47 > 0:37:49it is home to some of Britain's finest coral reefs.
0:37:49 > 0:37:52- Look at that!- Isn't that like a piece of jewellery?
0:37:52 > 0:37:54Stunning. How deep is it there?
0:37:54 > 0:37:56- Between 200 and 3,000 metres down you get...- What?!
0:37:56 > 0:37:59And the reefs get up to 30 metres tall.
0:37:59 > 0:38:01A single coral mound like that
0:38:01 > 0:38:04can be home to 1,300 species of marine life.
0:38:04 > 0:38:05It's a thing of absolute beauty.
0:38:05 > 0:38:07Isn't the coral reef dead now?
0:38:07 > 0:38:09It depends on which part of the world you are in.
0:38:09 > 0:38:11But we are discovering new coral reefs all the time.
0:38:11 > 0:38:14In 2016 scientists found a coral reef that stretches
0:38:14 > 0:38:17over 9,500 square kilometres at the mouth of the Amazon.
0:38:17 > 0:38:21And there are some oil platforms even in the North Sea that have coral growing on.
0:38:21 > 0:38:25Now, how many stars are there in Orion's Belt?
0:38:25 > 0:38:26Three.
0:38:26 > 0:38:29KLAXON Three. Yay!
0:38:29 > 0:38:31Oh.
0:38:31 > 0:38:32Five, there's five.
0:38:32 > 0:38:35KLAXON Five, no, there aren't five.
0:38:35 > 0:38:36Seven, there's seven.
0:38:36 > 0:38:40KLAXON Seven, there's not seven.
0:38:40 > 0:38:43It looks like three, it's one of the most famous things.
0:38:43 > 0:38:45Do you call it Orion's Belt, or do you refer to it...?
0:38:45 > 0:38:47Yeah. I mean, we have the same solar system.
0:38:53 > 0:38:56But it has... It has lots and lots of different names,
0:38:56 > 0:38:59so in Latin America they call it the Three Marys,
0:38:59 > 0:39:01the Arabic name is the Accurate Scale Beam.
0:39:01 > 0:39:03Really? I mean, what is it going to be,
0:39:03 > 0:39:05hundreds of thousands, but looks like three?
0:39:05 > 0:39:07No, it is in fact nine, is the answer that we were looking for.
0:39:07 > 0:39:10- One more go, I'd have got it! - It looks like... I know.
0:39:10 > 0:39:13I was going to go nine next. I was going in twos.
0:39:13 > 0:39:15I know. It was like the guy who invented Six Up,
0:39:15 > 0:39:17and he was so close to a successful soft drink.
0:39:19 > 0:39:20There are the three that we think of,
0:39:20 > 0:39:22the bright ones that you can see.
0:39:22 > 0:39:25They're called Mintaka, Alnilam, and Alnitak.
0:39:25 > 0:39:28But if we take Alnitak, it's actually three different stars.
0:39:28 > 0:39:32There's a blue super giant and two smaller companions.
0:39:32 > 0:39:34And each of the three main stars in Orion's Belt is at least
0:39:34 > 0:39:4020 times the size of the sun, and at least 18,000 times brighter.
0:39:40 > 0:39:41Blimey.
0:39:41 > 0:39:43- But it's just far away? - It's so far away.
0:39:43 > 0:39:46- This is why I hate space!- Why?
0:39:46 > 0:39:51Because I don't have the ability to conceptually understand
0:39:51 > 0:39:55how a mathematician can go, "Oh, well, because of this and this,
0:39:55 > 0:40:00"and my periscope, then, like, it's that far away".
0:40:00 > 0:40:02I don't understand.
0:40:02 > 0:40:04- BILL:- That's where you're going wrong.
0:40:04 > 0:40:07- Using a submarine, that's the... - Using a submarine.
0:40:08 > 0:40:13So it's possible if you are up there, apart from being burned alive,
0:40:13 > 0:40:16that you can't even see our sun.
0:40:16 > 0:40:19- That is perfectly possible, it would not be bright enough. - Not bright enough.
0:40:19 > 0:40:21So, this idea that aliens are looking, they can't even see us.
0:40:21 > 0:40:23No idea.
0:40:23 > 0:40:26There is nothing there. It's just us. There's nothing.
0:40:26 > 0:40:29There's the sun, then there's Mercury, then Venus,
0:40:29 > 0:40:33then there's Hummus, Spandau Ballet and...
0:40:33 > 0:40:36And then nothing.
0:40:36 > 0:40:38Orion's Belt may have three notches,
0:40:38 > 0:40:40but it's actually made up of nine stars.
0:40:40 > 0:40:42Now then, one test of a great surgeon
0:40:42 > 0:40:44is their ability to concentrate while under stress.
0:40:44 > 0:40:47So, while you are answering the next question,
0:40:47 > 0:40:52you have got next to you bananas, and you have got a needle.
0:40:52 > 0:40:54So this is how surgeons learn to do surgery.
0:40:54 > 0:41:00What I would like you to do is half-peel the banana, like this, OK?
0:41:00 > 0:41:02Your needle has been already threaded for you.
0:41:02 > 0:41:04And I want you to sew the banana back together.
0:41:04 > 0:41:07I can't. I can't open it.
0:41:09 > 0:41:11Can't open it?! Monkeys have mastered this, Alan.
0:41:15 > 0:41:18Darling, put it higher up, because that looks awful.
0:41:22 > 0:41:24Can't open it!
0:41:24 > 0:41:26Argh!
0:41:26 > 0:41:27Argh!
0:41:27 > 0:41:30Before you start, what's your first question?
0:41:30 > 0:41:32- Am I a surgeon?- Is this the banana you were looking for?
0:41:32 > 0:41:35Yes! Have I got the right banana?
0:41:35 > 0:41:37- Yes.- Is exactly right. OK.
0:41:37 > 0:41:39So, try and sew the banana back together.
0:41:39 > 0:41:41Now, one of the great tests, because the whole thing
0:41:41 > 0:41:43about a surgeon is the ability to concentrate,
0:41:43 > 0:41:45I want you to tell me the name of the food that you are holding
0:41:45 > 0:41:48if it was made without using any pesticides.
0:41:48 > 0:41:50Organic banana.
0:41:50 > 0:41:52KLAXON
0:41:52 > 0:41:54Organic banana, there we go. Off and running.
0:41:54 > 0:41:58- Oh, me thread's not enough. - Might as well go for it - plum.
0:41:58 > 0:41:59Mine's a mess.
0:41:59 > 0:42:01Katherine's doing a wonderful job here.
0:42:01 > 0:42:04This is where I shine on a panel show of lots of men.
0:42:04 > 0:42:05Oh, look at that!
0:42:06 > 0:42:09In fact, although it's true that organic food contains
0:42:09 > 0:42:11fewer pesticides or fertilisers than any other foods,
0:42:11 > 0:42:13the answer is that none of them contain none.
0:42:13 > 0:42:15I'm afraid, if you're eating organic food and you think,
0:42:15 > 0:42:19"Yay, look at me," it has all got a bit of pesticide in it.
0:42:19 > 0:42:22I'll tell you what, I have made quite an effective sort of dolphin
0:42:22 > 0:42:26- there, look at that. - Actually, yeah.
0:42:30 > 0:42:32Let's put our bananas away.
0:42:32 > 0:42:34That brings us to the end of tonight's operation.
0:42:34 > 0:42:37The anaesthetic is wearing off, the gloves are in the bin,
0:42:37 > 0:42:39and the panel and the bananas have been royally stitched up,
0:42:39 > 0:42:42which brings us to the scores.
0:42:42 > 0:42:46And, with minus 35, yes, indeed, it's Rhod.
0:42:46 > 0:42:47APPLAUSE
0:42:49 > 0:42:52Equally creditable minus 27, Bill.
0:42:52 > 0:42:54- APPLAUSE - Hurrah!
0:42:56 > 0:42:59Minus 16, Alan.
0:42:59 > 0:43:03- APPLAUSE - Thank you very much. Thank you.
0:43:03 > 0:43:06And with an amazing whole 4 points, Katherine!
0:43:06 > 0:43:09- Thank you. - APPLAUSE
0:43:15 > 0:43:20And I'm very pleased to present Katherine with this week's objectionable object prize.
0:43:20 > 0:43:24It is this small selection of gallstones.
0:43:24 > 0:43:28- Which I had removed only just last month.- Thank you so much!
0:43:28 > 0:43:32It only remains for me to thank Katherine, Rhod, Bill, and Alan.
0:43:32 > 0:43:33And I leave you with this -
0:43:33 > 0:43:36when the West German Chancellor Konrad Adenauer
0:43:36 > 0:43:38succumbed to a heavy cold at the age of 90,
0:43:38 > 0:43:40he did nothing but complain to his doctor.
0:43:40 > 0:43:42"I'm not a magician," said the doctor.
0:43:42 > 0:43:43"I can't make you young again."
0:43:43 > 0:43:45"I haven't asked you to," said the Chancellor.
0:43:45 > 0:43:47"All I want is to go on getting older."
0:43:47 > 0:43:49Thank you, and good night.
0:43:49 > 0:43:51APPLAUSE