0:00:28 > 0:00:30APPLAUSE
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Hello!
0:00:36 > 0:00:40And welcome, welcome to QI,
0:00:40 > 0:00:42where the weather outside is frightful,
0:00:42 > 0:00:44but the fire is so delightful.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46I am of course your angelic host,
0:00:46 > 0:00:49and gathered around my blazing saddles this Christmas night,
0:00:49 > 0:00:51we have a sprig of Holly Walsh...
0:00:56 > 0:00:58..Jason three wise Manford...
0:01:02 > 0:01:04..Romesh the red-nosed Ranganathan...
0:01:10 > 0:01:12..and yonder peasant, who is he?
0:01:13 > 0:01:14Alan Davies.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Holly goes...
0:01:21 > 0:01:26- CHOIR:- # O little town of Bethlehem... #
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Aww, that's nice. Jason goes...
0:01:28 > 0:01:33- CHOIR:- # O come all ye faithful... #
0:01:33 > 0:01:35It's the O series, do you see? "O."
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Romesh goes...
0:01:37 > 0:01:42- CHOIR:- # O Christmas tree O Christmas tree... #
0:01:42 > 0:01:44LAUGHTER
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Some people are never happy. And Alan goes...
0:01:50 > 0:01:54# Grandma got run over by a reindeer... #
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Right, let's get off and running.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02Where do the Christmas celebrations always end up in a fist fight?
0:02:02 > 0:02:03My house.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05KLAXON BLARES
0:02:08 > 0:02:09Is it a fighting household, darling?
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Erm... It's the only day of the year
0:02:11 > 0:02:15where you can start drinking at breakfast, isn't it?
0:02:15 > 0:02:18- Like...- Unless you're from Denmark, in which case, hey, whenever.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Any other time of the year there's an intervention,
0:02:20 > 0:02:22- but Christmas Day you're like, "Ah, come on!"- Yeah.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24"Let's have a bit of Bailey's on your cornflakes."
0:02:24 > 0:02:27See, it's funny, cos the Danes don't really have a tradition
0:02:27 > 0:02:28of that kind of fighting at Christmas.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30What we do is, we do silent resentment.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33- Oh, that's good. - It's much more Nordic.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36My brother and I are both married to white women,
0:02:36 > 0:02:38and at Christmas my mum will invite us all round,
0:02:38 > 0:02:42and then she'll do two dinners, like a roast and a curry.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43And then it just looks like
0:02:43 > 0:02:45we're encouraging racial segregation at Christmas.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Well, I'm going to find out if that's true,
0:02:49 > 0:02:51cos your mum's here in the audience. Shanthi.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Hello, welcome to the show.
0:02:53 > 0:02:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Is there fighting at the holiday season? Is there fighting?
0:03:01 > 0:03:03- Er...they do. They do fight.- Yeah.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05They do fight, yeah, both of them.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Well, my mum... It's lovely to have you here, Mum.
0:03:07 > 0:03:08Thank you. Thank you.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10..but she has encouraged my brother and I
0:03:10 > 0:03:13to both have very low self-esteem.
0:03:13 > 0:03:14LAUGHTER
0:03:14 > 0:03:16That's contributed to it.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Well, there is a place in the world where people fight on Christmas Day,
0:03:19 > 0:03:21and they do it on purpose, in Peru.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24A town called Santo Tomas - it's high up in the Peruvian Andes,
0:03:24 > 0:03:2612,000 feet above sea level -
0:03:26 > 0:03:29and they have a tradition which is called Takanakuy,
0:03:29 > 0:03:31and it happens on the 25th of December every year.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34People dress up in costumes, and then they have fist fights,
0:03:34 > 0:03:36and they take place between every kind of participant,
0:03:36 > 0:03:39between the young and the old, men and women, rich, poor, sober...
0:03:39 > 0:03:40- Wow.- ..quite a lot of drunk people.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43And the idea is they're settling all their differences
0:03:43 > 0:03:45that have occurred during the course of the year.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47And it can be anything - it can be a property dispute,
0:03:47 > 0:03:50it could be a spilled beer, it could be a stolen partner,
0:03:50 > 0:03:52or sheep or...whatever.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55There's a cultural sort of outreach thing in Crawley
0:03:55 > 0:03:58where we sort of celebrate that, as well - it's called Wetherspoons.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00LAUGHTER
0:04:02 > 0:04:05But is it legally binding?
0:04:05 > 0:04:06- Yes, it is legally binding.- Right.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Whoever wins, whatever the dispute was,
0:04:08 > 0:04:10that's it, they have to settle it.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12So they do this on Christmas Day, but...
0:04:12 > 0:04:14..what do they do on Boxing Day, eh?
0:04:16 > 0:04:19APPLAUSE
0:04:19 > 0:04:21I got there!
0:04:21 > 0:04:24It's good to have an element of panto in the show, which I like.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26It's behind you! Your career.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31But the reason why we have family fights at Christmas,
0:04:31 > 0:04:33it's what known as hypercopresence.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36The idea is that we are forced to spend long periods of time
0:04:36 > 0:04:39with people that we don't want to, and it's what Sigmund Freud called
0:04:39 > 0:04:41"the narcissism of small differences."
0:04:41 > 0:04:43We just have our own family Christmas now,
0:04:43 > 0:04:46with just me and Katie and the three kids, and that is brilliant.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48I thought my children, when they grew up, would go away,
0:04:48 > 0:04:51and what they've done is gone away and brought back other people
0:04:51 > 0:04:53I don't know. LAUGHTER
0:04:56 > 0:04:59When I took my husband home for our first Christmas together,
0:04:59 > 0:05:01I got so self-conscious about all the things
0:05:01 > 0:05:03- that my family do at Christmas. - What do you do that's odd?
0:05:03 > 0:05:06Well, we have a set of bells that we all... We sit round,
0:05:06 > 0:05:08we each have a different...
0:05:08 > 0:05:09Anybody?
0:05:09 > 0:05:11LAUGHTER
0:05:13 > 0:05:15- OK, we've got a set of bells. - Yeah.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17- There's eight bells.- Eight bells. - How many of you?- Full octave.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20- There's only four in my family.- Oh, two bells each.- Yeah.- That's lucky.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23- But now my husband's joined, it's... - Oh, no!- Yeah.- He's spoilt it.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25- No, that's good, that's another person.- Oh, it's good.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27- ROMESH:- "But that's another person" -
0:05:27 > 0:05:29I'm glad you recognise him as such, Holly, that's lovely.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33- HOLLY:- And in about 1987, my mum wrote out loads of Christmas songs
0:05:33 > 0:05:37on sort of boards with all the bell numbers...
0:05:37 > 0:05:40- Right.- ..and we just do that for about two or three days.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42LAUGHTER
0:05:42 > 0:05:45- ROMESH:- We have a similar thing where Mum and Dad's friends
0:05:45 > 0:05:47would come over, Sri Lankan friends, and they would get drunk,
0:05:47 > 0:05:49then they would turn over bins and stuff like that,
0:05:49 > 0:05:51and then start banging on them,
0:05:51 > 0:05:53and singing, like, old traditional Sri Lankan songs.
0:05:53 > 0:05:54Is that true, Shanthi, is that true?
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Yes, it's very true. It's very true.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59We're checking everything you say, Romesh.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01- ALAN:- Confirmation, please!
0:06:02 > 0:06:04You'll have the gig from hell -
0:06:04 > 0:06:06"Can we have confirmation that he's telling the truth?"
0:06:06 > 0:06:10I've got this horrible judgmental Wikipedia sitting over here.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14- Checking on your gags. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Yeah, "That's true, Sandi, don't worry,
0:06:16 > 0:06:18"you can carry on with the anecdote, off you go."
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Someone from Holly's family going,
0:06:23 > 0:06:25"That's a load of shit about the bells!
0:06:27 > 0:06:29"There are 16 bells, you lying cow!"
0:06:33 > 0:06:36So, like, they would get buckets and turn them over,
0:06:36 > 0:06:39and then just, like, my dad would just be...
0:06:39 > 0:06:41DRUMS ON DESK AND HUMS TUNE
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Like that, for, like, hours.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47- And then once...- Do you two live anywhere near each other?
0:06:48 > 0:06:51All links up, a little tour, coffee and cream, on the road.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56But then, one Christmas we did that, and then the next morning,
0:06:56 > 0:06:59we took the blanket off the budgie cage, and they were dead.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Wait a minute, had you beaten the birds to death?
0:07:04 > 0:07:07No, they just didn't like Sri Lankan music.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11I think your mum thinks that's not true.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15"We never had a budgie!"
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Just really racist budgies, you know?
0:07:20 > 0:07:22I get a bit tired of the turkey thing because
0:07:22 > 0:07:24I haven't had any turkey since about 1985
0:07:24 > 0:07:28and every year it would come round like it was a massive shock.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30And I'd have to justify why I didn't want to have the turkey
0:07:30 > 0:07:33and there would be a space on my plate where....
0:07:33 > 0:07:35- Why don't you?- He's a vegetarian. - I don't eat meat.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38I'm like, "Free the birds, free the birds!"
0:07:38 > 0:07:39Where are all the birds?
0:07:39 > 0:07:43There's 11 million turkeys get eaten every year at Christmas.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45And you never see any of them! Where are the turkeys?
0:07:45 > 0:07:47You've never seen one out, have you, ever?
0:07:47 > 0:07:50Wouldn't it be great if they all lived on roundabouts
0:07:50 > 0:07:54- and you can see them all through the year?- You should be able to see them!
0:07:54 > 0:07:57March down to Asda - here they come, here they come, the birds!
0:07:59 > 0:08:01- Come on, here they come! - Cheerio, cheerio, cheerio!
0:08:01 > 0:08:06And then they're just getting their heads and going...
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Here's yours! Here's yours! Here's yours!
0:08:09 > 0:08:12At that noise, his whole family would make that into a musical item!
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Now...
0:08:20 > 0:08:23..which of these items belong on a very traditional Christmas tree?
0:08:23 > 0:08:26So you have a tree, and you have some items.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28So we're going to decorate our trees now.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31- Does anybody know where do we get the Christmas tree from?- Germany?
0:08:31 > 0:08:35Germany, indeed, evolved from the Paradeisbaum.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Paradise tree, so it's part of a medieval morality play
0:08:37 > 0:08:41which was based on Adam and Eve, and it was staged on Christmas Eve.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44It's supposedly the name day of Adam and Eve in the Christian calendar.
0:08:44 > 0:08:49So, let's start with apples and snakes. Would you put these...?
0:08:49 > 0:08:50LAUGHTER
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Would you put these on your tree, apples and snakes?
0:08:54 > 0:08:57We're doing traditional and non-traditional things.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59- Er...possibly the apple? - Well, if it was...
0:08:59 > 0:09:01- Yes?- If it was Adam and Eve's birthday...
0:09:01 > 0:09:02- Yes?- Then, yeah.
0:09:02 > 0:09:03Absolutely right,
0:09:03 > 0:09:07so these are the traditional things that go on the tree.
0:09:07 > 0:09:08The snake?
0:09:08 > 0:09:09What about the baubles?
0:09:09 > 0:09:11- No.- Can't be.- Why not?
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Because it's too... There's no way you'd let us get away with that.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16- No.- Yeah, absolutely right - they're fake apples.
0:09:16 > 0:09:20- Fake apples!- So they represent... Yeah, they represent the apples.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24Yeah, I remember the last time I tucked into one of these bad boys.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Delicious, the old silver glitter.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31They are actually German as well, they originated in
0:09:31 > 0:09:3418th-century Germany, there's a glass-blowing town called
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Lauscha, which is where the glass eye was invented.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39And they were spotted by FW Woolworth
0:09:39 > 0:09:41and imported to the USA and so they come to us from Germany
0:09:41 > 0:09:43but via the USA.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Let's do... Which? Which on the tree?
0:09:46 > 0:09:48LAUGHTER
0:09:48 > 0:09:50The angel or the Union Flag?
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Which one are we going to go for?
0:09:52 > 0:09:54- I'm going to go with the Union Flag, I think.- Yeah.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57- ROMESH:- I much prefer the Union Flag.- Yeah.
0:09:57 > 0:09:58So that is...
0:09:58 > 0:10:00LAUGHTER
0:10:00 > 0:10:02You're absolutely right - that is the traditional thing.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04So, 18th-century Christmas, British Empire,
0:10:04 > 0:10:06it is the only proper thing to top the tree.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09- I've always felt odd about that moment of...- Putting the angel on.
0:10:09 > 0:10:10You know, when you've got the angel,
0:10:10 > 0:10:13and you're like putting the tree up its arse, like, something feels...
0:10:13 > 0:10:15But do you know why we don't have the flag,
0:10:15 > 0:10:17- we have the angel instead now?- No.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19So, the angel represents Gabriel in the nativity story,
0:10:19 > 0:10:22but it's a 19th-century invention made popular by Victoria and Albert,
0:10:22 > 0:10:26who should have had the Union Flag on the tree, but they were German.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29- So they had the angel instead.- Oh.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32OK, so lights or candles on the tree? Which is traditional?
0:10:32 > 0:10:35- Oh, it's got to be candles. - It is candles, absolutely.
0:10:35 > 0:10:36The legend is that Martin Luther
0:10:36 > 0:10:38was inspired to put candles on the tree -
0:10:38 > 0:10:41so we're talking 1536 - after he saw thousands of stars
0:10:41 > 0:10:44glinting through the branches of the trees in the forest.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47But to be fair, electronic lights weren't an option then.
0:10:48 > 0:10:49LAUGHTER
0:10:49 > 0:10:50No, that's...
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Well, you do get candles even earlier than that -
0:10:53 > 0:10:54you do get candles about the 1440s.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57There was an amazing group called the Brotherhood of the Blackheads.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Who doesn't want to join? Brotherhood of the Blackheads.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03- That's my entire teenage years summed up at once.- Yeah.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07They were unmarried merchants in Estonia, and they put up
0:11:07 > 0:11:10one of the first Christmas trees that had candles on it.
0:11:10 > 0:11:16Let's do paper, flowers, wafers and tinsel. Which ones are traditional?
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Oh, and how about some chocolate?
0:11:18 > 0:11:20- Which of those are we going to go for?- Chocolate on the tree?
0:11:20 > 0:11:22- On the tree, traditional?- Chocolate.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24..is the one that is in fact not traditional at all.
0:11:24 > 0:11:25Of course.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27The others...
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Good day to you.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31- So the wafer?- All I can hear is Romesh's mum
0:11:31 > 0:11:33laughing in the speaker behind me.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Mum, Alan wants you to shut up.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39LAUGHTER
0:11:39 > 0:11:42- YOU shut up!- Yes, Shanthi, yes!
0:11:42 > 0:11:44APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:11:45 > 0:11:49Guys, guys, it's Christmas, OK. All right? Just...
0:11:49 > 0:11:52Romesh, go and give your mother a nice chocolate and be nice.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57- Be nice.- Sorry.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00LAUGHTER
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Shanthi, what do you think about the beard?
0:12:04 > 0:12:06The beard looks good, doesn't it?
0:12:06 > 0:12:08He looks like his dad, actually.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11LAUGHTER I think it looks very nice.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13He didn't have a beard like this, did he?
0:12:13 > 0:12:15- He did. He did.- Oh, right. - I hated it.
0:12:15 > 0:12:16LAUGHTER
0:12:17 > 0:12:18APPLAUSE
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Flowers on the tree and tinsel? Come on...
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Traditional or non-traditional?
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Flowers, I guess.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32There aren't flowers at Christmas time, so, no.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35No traditional base of them, in fact. So, from the time that we
0:12:35 > 0:12:38first had Christmas trees, in fact. So we're looking
0:12:38 > 0:12:41at the 15th century - at the beginning of Christmas trees
0:12:41 > 0:12:44and what did they decorate them with? They decorated them with
0:12:44 > 0:12:47- paper flowers, so roses cut out of paper, wafers...- They put...
0:12:47 > 0:12:49- ..a sausage on there. - Is that a sausage?
0:12:49 > 0:12:53- No, that's a pine cone. - That is not a sausage.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55That is Santa coming through the tree!
0:12:55 > 0:12:57LAUGHTER
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Doing my best...
0:13:06 > 0:13:08It's got out of control, this.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Going in a very good area!
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Has anybody ever had Christmas in the United States? Christmas
0:13:16 > 0:13:18- in America?- Yes.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20They often have something strange on the tree,
0:13:20 > 0:13:22which we don't have, do you know what it is?
0:13:22 > 0:13:24- A gun? Traditional. - What Americans have on the tree
0:13:24 > 0:13:27that we don't have is a pickle on the tree.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29- And this is a very strange thing. - A pickle, like a gherkin?
0:13:29 > 0:13:32A gherkin. And we're not quite sure the origin of it.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35But it is possibly... The tradition comes from this terrible place
0:13:35 > 0:13:39called Camp Sumter. It was a notorious Confederate prisoner of war place.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Union soldiers held there - of the 45,000 who were held there,
0:13:42 > 0:13:4513,000 died. And there was a Bavarian-born gentleman...
0:13:45 > 0:13:47This is a picture to illustrate this.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50..called Private John C Lower and he was captured and taken
0:13:50 > 0:13:53to the prison camp and he was so hungry that he asked
0:13:53 > 0:13:55the guard for something to eat and he was given a pickle.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58And he credited it with saving his life and when he returned to
0:13:58 > 0:14:01his family, he began a tradition... AUDIENCE MEMBER LAUGHS
0:14:01 > 0:14:03You're doing your own jokes now!
0:14:03 > 0:14:05That is a pickle!
0:14:10 > 0:14:13You can see why families fight at Christmas.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15- Is that a pickled gherkin?- Yeah.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Are they that big?
0:14:18 > 0:14:21- In America, they can be enormous. - That's a pickled cucumber.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23The provenance of the picture of the gherkin,
0:14:23 > 0:14:25I'm not entirely clear of...
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Maybe we should check with my mum.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34What do you think that is? A gherkin or a cucumber?
0:14:34 > 0:14:36- A gherkin, I think. - Thank you, Shanthi.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38In America, everything is big, isn't it?
0:14:38 > 0:14:39You just heard Sandi say that!
0:14:41 > 0:14:44- She's on my side.- Oh, yes. - Absolutely.
0:14:45 > 0:14:46Trees away, please.
0:14:48 > 0:14:49THUD
0:14:49 > 0:14:51LAUGHTER
0:14:52 > 0:14:56Now, which king appeared on the first British Christmas stamp?
0:14:56 > 0:14:57Er...George V.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00KLAXON BLARES
0:15:01 > 0:15:04- Wenceslas.- Yes.- Yeah!- Yes!
0:15:04 > 0:15:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:11 > 0:15:12You're absolutely right.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16So, 1963, the then Postmaster General was Tony Benn,
0:15:16 > 0:15:18and he launched a competition
0:15:18 > 0:15:21in conjunction with Blue Peter and the Post Office
0:15:21 > 0:15:23to design Britain's very first Christmas stamp,
0:15:23 > 0:15:27and six-year-old Tasveer Shemza - that's her there on the right -
0:15:27 > 0:15:32she won with a Good King Wenceslas design, and James Berry,
0:15:32 > 0:15:35next to her, he got a 1/6d stamp, but here is her stamp.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37So he was the only king on the stamp,
0:15:37 > 0:15:40because of course the monarch is Queen Elizabeth II.
0:15:40 > 0:15:41And Tasveer is in the audience...
0:15:41 > 0:15:44- Shut the front door! - There she is, all grown-up.- Ah!
0:15:44 > 0:15:45Congratulations!
0:15:45 > 0:15:48APPLAUSE
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Tasveer, did you...
0:15:57 > 0:16:00That's the longest round of applause we've ever had for anything.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02They LOVE your stamp!
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Tasveer, was the picture based on anybody?
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Well, it was indeed, yes. It's not King Wenceslas...
0:16:08 > 0:16:11- Right.- ..as people say - it was actually a picture of my dad.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Oh, a picture of your dad!
0:16:13 > 0:16:14And we've got... There he is.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17I think you did very well with that.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Sorry, if your dad is wearing that hat,
0:16:19 > 0:16:21I think he's a bit above his station.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25What I love about this is the stamp was issued in 1966,
0:16:25 > 0:16:29so in fact Daleks, which were introduced in 1963,
0:16:29 > 0:16:32are an older Christmas tradition than Christmas stamps
0:16:32 > 0:16:33here in the UK.
0:16:33 > 0:16:34Do you know who that is in the picture?
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Is it one of the Doctors, William Hartnell?
0:16:36 > 0:16:39It was William Hartnell, the very first Doctor Who.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41- Was the first Doctor Who really old, then?- Yes.
0:16:43 > 0:16:44He was THAT old, in fact.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47It was something about wisdom and gravitas with the role.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Yeah. Well, I mean, with your new white beard, you could be up for it.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53- ROMESH:- Yeah.- Yeah. HOLLY:- I think now that beards are so...
0:16:53 > 0:16:55I don't think the beard cancels out the skin.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00- I think you'd be a really good Doctor Who.- Do you think so?
0:17:00 > 0:17:03- Yeah.- JASON:- And your mum could be like Doctor Who's sidekick.- Oh!
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Oh, my God!
0:17:05 > 0:17:06The first Doctor to top himself.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16I started laughing, like your mum, my own laugh is now...
0:17:19 > 0:17:22- Do you fancy it, Alan? Playing Doctor Who?- No.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26- Why not?- Because it takes a year of your life.- Yeah.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29And everyone around you is painted blue and they all...
0:17:29 > 0:17:32But...the truth is, Sandi - if they asked me I'd probably do it.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34LAUGHTER
0:17:40 > 0:17:43He was talking and... "Oh, my God, I might be talking
0:17:43 > 0:17:44"myself out of this!"
0:17:46 > 0:17:47Some producer going, "Well, he's out."
0:17:49 > 0:17:52They do some audiotape stories of Doctor Who
0:17:52 > 0:17:54and I was in one - I played the villain.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56I was a lesbian who ate the world!
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Was it that one of your character traits was that
0:18:00 > 0:18:02you are a lesbian? Was that one of the storylines?
0:18:02 > 0:18:04No, the whole storyline was about the fact
0:18:04 > 0:18:07- that I was a predatory lesbian. - Right...
0:18:07 > 0:18:09And I had to study for ages to...
0:18:09 > 0:18:11LAUGHTER
0:18:13 > 0:18:15I'd happily do it as a trans...
0:18:17 > 0:18:19We get it, you want the job, all right!
0:18:20 > 0:18:23"I'll play a Jamaican, whatever they need..."
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Which is best for Christmas cards - first class or second class?
0:18:31 > 0:18:33- Makes no odds. - It doesn't really make a difference.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35I don't think we have a second-class stamp any more, do we?
0:18:35 > 0:18:37- Yeah, yeah, no, you do. - Oh, how posh are you?!
0:18:37 > 0:18:39LAUGHTER
0:18:39 > 0:18:43- ROMESH:- Things are going all right for Jason Manford, aren't they?!
0:18:43 > 0:18:46What is a second-class stamp for? Cos the letters must arrive
0:18:46 > 0:18:49at the same time. Does the postman go, "Nah, well, I'll leave them
0:18:49 > 0:18:51"till tomorrow"? He's going that way.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54So, the Post Office guarantees with first-class delivery
0:18:54 > 0:18:56that 93% of it will be delivered within one working day.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58- Oh, I see.- 93, not 100%?- No.
0:18:58 > 0:19:0193% guaranteed, but at Christmas, that is formally suspended,
0:19:01 > 0:19:03and they only manage 50% next-day delivery,
0:19:03 > 0:19:04so frankly, you might as well...
0:19:04 > 0:19:07So how can they live with themselves and sell some people...?
0:19:07 > 0:19:10If you were to go in and say, "Can I have a first-class stamp,"
0:19:10 > 0:19:12- they should say, "No." - Don't bother.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14"We don't sell them, because that's morally wrong."
0:19:16 > 0:19:19I had a girlfriend once, who thought that if you put more stamps on,
0:19:19 > 0:19:21it would get there quicker.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Five first-class stamps on a letter.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Actually, Sandi, my mum can step in here,
0:19:28 > 0:19:31- because she works for Royal Mail, don't you, Mum?- Yes, I do.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33- And there are second-class stamps, are there not?- Yes, there are.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Yeah, there's second-class stamps.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38What have you got to say about this 50% success-rate scandal?
0:19:40 > 0:19:42- My lips are sealed! - No, speak up, you're here!
0:19:42 > 0:19:43Now answer the question!
0:19:45 > 0:19:47- You said it on the way here.- What?
0:19:47 > 0:19:49You said you thought Royal Mail was crap,
0:19:49 > 0:19:52- and you wished you didn't have to work there.- I never said that!
0:19:53 > 0:19:54I never said that.
0:19:54 > 0:19:55LAUGHTER
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Anyway, please can you thank Tasveer Shemza?
0:20:00 > 0:20:03APPLAUSE
0:20:06 > 0:20:11Now, it's time to wrap our presents in the great QI wrapping race.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13OK, so under your respective desks,
0:20:13 > 0:20:16you're going to find paper and scissors and tape,
0:20:16 > 0:20:19and I would like you to beautifully wrap the things you've got.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22So, Romesh, you need to wrap the game that we've got there for you,
0:20:22 > 0:20:25and if you could find the best way of...
0:20:25 > 0:20:26LAUGHTER
0:20:27 > 0:20:28Wrap that for me.
0:20:28 > 0:20:33And, Alan, if you could wrap yours, there we are, that's lovely.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35And what have you guys got to wrap up?
0:20:37 > 0:20:42Lovely. So, what do we reckon? Best way to wrap these things up?
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Are you going to say, "Ready, steady, go"?
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Ready, steady, go. Whoever does it best...
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Wow! Jason, that's... Yeah.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04- Looks good. - I think I've finished, Sandi.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05OK, let me see, let me see.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Alan is the winner, I think, got there first.
0:21:07 > 0:21:08APPLAUSE
0:21:10 > 0:21:11OK.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15So, awkward items, what you need is a life-hack, OK,
0:21:15 > 0:21:17to wrap something awkward.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20So I've got here a small American football
0:21:20 > 0:21:22and a single piece of paper, and what you actually do,
0:21:22 > 0:21:24and you could have done it with any of your items,
0:21:24 > 0:21:28is you take your paper, and you fold it like this,
0:21:28 > 0:21:33and then put some tape down the middle like this.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37and then you need to fold the piece of paper like this...
0:21:37 > 0:21:38and fold it in...
0:21:39 > 0:21:44..and then put some Sellotape on that, like this...
0:21:44 > 0:21:46This is like Blue Peter, isn't it?
0:21:48 > 0:21:51It's a really brilliant way to wrap an awkward thing.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53It is basically a bag with a gusset
0:21:53 > 0:21:56that you can make out of a single piece of paper,
0:21:56 > 0:21:58and you make it like that, and you stick your awkward thing inside,
0:21:58 > 0:22:03- and you have a very neatly wrapped gift.- Oh, my God!
0:22:03 > 0:22:04APPLAUSE
0:22:09 > 0:22:11So the other way to do it is - if you've got a very small present...
0:22:11 > 0:22:15..and you haven't got any money, you can take a packet of crisps,
0:22:15 > 0:22:17eat the crisps, turn it inside out and then the packet
0:22:17 > 0:22:20makes a very lovely silver parcel to wrap something small,
0:22:20 > 0:22:23- so there are some simple...- Doesn't it smell of cheese and onion?
0:22:23 > 0:22:29- It stinks!- "I love these diamond earrings that smell of pickled onion."
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Wrap your presents in crisp packets?
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Right, let's put the presents away, please.
0:22:36 > 0:22:41Describe the most miserable Christmas dinner of all time.
0:22:42 > 0:22:46- Well, it's got to be sprout-based. - Do you not like sprouts?
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Little pockets of evil, aren't they? Just...
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Honestly, it's a fart in your mouth.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Exactly, I agree.
0:22:54 > 0:22:55- That's a great game.- Yeah.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02- Have you not done that? - Have I not done that?
0:23:02 > 0:23:05- Christmas Day?- No, I haven't. - There's one for you.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Mum...?
0:23:08 > 0:23:11When you say love them, how do you cook them?
0:23:11 > 0:23:13How do you cook them? I'm interested.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16This is the most intimidating cookery show.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20How do you cook 'em?! Answer!
0:23:22 > 0:23:25- I boil them for a bit. - Boil them for a bit.
0:23:25 > 0:23:26And then you have them with chestnuts.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Now, here we go, you see, this is what everybody does...
0:23:29 > 0:23:31They go, "I like sprouts, cos what you do,
0:23:31 > 0:23:33"you put them with a bit of bacon..." You're like,
0:23:33 > 0:23:35"No, no, bacon's nice, innit?" That's what you've done there.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38"I'll put them with some chocolate." No, chocolate's nice.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40By themselves...they are little devil's haemorrhoids
0:23:40 > 0:23:42and they should be...
0:23:42 > 0:23:44- ..yanked off the planet. - The only way to do them that's nice,
0:23:44 > 0:23:47is to cut them in half and then drizzle them with olive oil
0:23:47 > 0:23:49and put them in a roasting tray and stick them in the oven
0:23:49 > 0:23:51for 40 minutes and they're actually not too bad.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53No, no, you steam them a bit and then you get
0:23:53 > 0:23:57- them in a very hot pan with curry powder.- Right.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59This has officially become the most middle class...
0:24:01 > 0:24:04There's nothing middle class about curry powder.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Is there, Romesh?
0:24:08 > 0:24:11Right, the most miserable Christmas dinner of all time...
0:24:11 > 0:24:14- Was there a war declared? - It's 1912, so just before the war.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Christmas Day, 1912...?
0:24:16 > 0:24:19- We're a long, long way away...? - In space?
0:24:19 > 0:24:22- As far away as you can... - It's a bit early!- Space?!
0:24:24 > 0:24:27"How did we get here?
0:24:27 > 0:24:30"The Wright brothers haven't taken off yet."
0:24:30 > 0:24:33- Is it at the South Pole?- Yes. - Shackleton...?- Yes.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Antarctic explorer Frank Hurley, so that's him
0:24:36 > 0:24:39on the left there with Shackleton. He was Shackleton's photographer
0:24:39 > 0:24:42in the Great Imperial Trans-Antarctic expedition...
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Who took that picture, then?
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Er...
0:24:48 > 0:24:51APPLAUSE
0:24:51 > 0:24:54So there's Shackleton and Hurley. But in fact, Hurley
0:24:54 > 0:24:56- had been on a previous expedition. - Got you, right.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58The Australasian Antarctic expedition
0:24:58 > 0:24:59and it was Christmas Day and they were on their way
0:24:59 > 0:25:03back from the South Pole and they thought they'd make a festive Christmas pudding.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Now, obviously, where could you get anything...that you wanted?
0:25:06 > 0:25:10- Exactly.- So they grated three biscuits with a saw,
0:25:10 > 0:25:13they mixed in sugar, snow and seven raisins
0:25:13 > 0:25:14and added meths for flavour.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19And boiled it all up in his old sock on their Primus stove!
0:25:20 > 0:25:23And to accompany this feast, they made a drink called
0:25:23 > 0:25:26Tanglefoot - by boiling five raisins in meths
0:25:26 > 0:25:29and then drinking the meths. So, ethanol is the thing that
0:25:29 > 0:25:33alcohol is made of, and meths has things added to ethanol
0:25:33 > 0:25:35so that it's poisonous, so that you don't drink it.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37But my favourite is the hors d'oeuvre -
0:25:37 > 0:25:39the hors d'oeuvre was Angels On Gliders -
0:25:39 > 0:25:43it consisted of a raisin on top of a chocolate bar previously fried.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46What if you didn't like raisins?
0:25:48 > 0:25:49Probably not the expedition for you.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54You go, "Listen, I don't mind drinking this poison,
0:25:54 > 0:25:55"but I cannot stand raisins."
0:25:57 > 0:25:59I wonder if they talked about whose sock would be the nicest
0:25:59 > 0:26:02- to cook it in.- I think it's going to be the chef's choice,
0:26:02 > 0:26:04- is it not?- See, I'd still rather have that than sprouts.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09I even get annoyed when parsnips pretend to be 'tatoes.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11- Oh, that is annoying. - You know when you're like,
0:26:11 > 0:26:13"Oh, I'll have a bit of potato. It's a parsnip,
0:26:13 > 0:26:15"you lying get!"
0:26:16 > 0:26:18They cut them up so they look like chips
0:26:18 > 0:26:21and they all think it's hilarious, "Look, the kids think they're chips,
0:26:21 > 0:26:23"look, look...
0:26:26 > 0:26:28"Ha-ha-ha!"
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Right, because it's Christmas, we're going to play a quick game.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36The envelopes have got your name on them.
0:26:36 > 0:26:37Oh, here we go. Ooh!
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Inside the envelope you'll find a two-syllable word.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Here's what you have to do - you have to act out the first syllable,
0:26:42 > 0:26:44then the second, then the whole thing,
0:26:44 > 0:26:47and only then can we guess what the word is.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49OK? Right, Alan, off you go.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53LAUGHTER
0:26:53 > 0:26:56- OK. I'm not allowed to speak, am I?- No.- No, OK.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01So this is the first syllable.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04OK.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08- Right, that's the first syllable. - OK, yeah.- Second syllable.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Very good. And now the whole thing.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Bagpipe.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Yes. Very, very good, well done.
0:27:18 > 0:27:22- Romesh?- I don't think I can do mine. - Why?
0:27:22 > 0:27:24I just can't.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28Yes, you can.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30- OK.- Yes, and your mum believes in you, she just said yes behind me.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33- SHANTHI:- Yeah, try. Try. - Yes, see, "Try," says your mum.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36- Yeah, why don't you try?- "Oh, well, if you believe in me, Mum!"
0:27:39 > 0:27:42Doesn't change the word, love, all right? It's still impossible.
0:27:42 > 0:27:43OK.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45- So, first syllable.- Yeah.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50- Oh good, yeah, good.- Yeah.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52- OK.- That's that bit. - Yeah. Second syllable?
0:27:52 > 0:27:54No idea what that was.
0:27:54 > 0:27:55- Shark.- OK, the whole thing?
0:27:59 > 0:28:02- HOLLY:- Pie shark?- A pie shark? - A pie shark?
0:28:03 > 0:28:04Is it a pie shark?
0:28:04 > 0:28:06It is, I can't believe you got it, it IS a pie shark!
0:28:06 > 0:28:07What is the first bit, so...
0:28:11 > 0:28:13- First thing?- I thought it was going to be difficult,
0:28:13 > 0:28:15but she's absolutely nailed that. Astonishing!
0:28:17 > 0:28:19You're the only other person I know that's heard of pie shark,
0:28:19 > 0:28:20it's amazing!
0:28:22 > 0:28:23You were right, Mum - I CAN do it!
0:28:25 > 0:28:26APPLAUSE
0:28:30 > 0:28:31Show everybody the card.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33- It's a muff!- Muffin!
0:28:33 > 0:28:35- Muffin.- Muffin.
0:28:37 > 0:28:40- Have a go.- Me?- Yeah.
0:28:40 > 0:28:42Right. Erm...
0:28:44 > 0:28:46- Bum.- Don't guess yet!
0:28:46 > 0:28:49- ROMESH:- There's only three rules in this game, Holly!
0:28:57 > 0:29:00- And then the whole thing. - OK, and the whole thing. Er...
0:29:03 > 0:29:05OK. Anybody?
0:29:05 > 0:29:06Pie shark?
0:29:06 > 0:29:07LAUGHTER
0:29:12 > 0:29:15- Bum hands.- Bum ring?
0:29:15 > 0:29:18- What's that?- What did you say?
0:29:18 > 0:29:19I said bum ring.
0:29:19 > 0:29:21Bum...ring?
0:29:21 > 0:29:24- Bum ring, really, on QI?! - How did we get to bum ring?
0:29:24 > 0:29:27It's a bum ring, cos he went like that, he went like that...
0:29:27 > 0:29:29But what was the thing when he was walking around?
0:29:29 > 0:29:32It's the sort of thing that a bum ring would do.
0:29:34 > 0:29:37What he did there, I thought, "He looks like such a bum ring."
0:29:37 > 0:29:39What does it say on your card?
0:29:39 > 0:29:41- Bumbling.- Bumbling.- Oh, bumbling!
0:29:41 > 0:29:43- Bum-bling.- Bling!- Bling!
0:29:44 > 0:29:46Right, Holly.
0:29:46 > 0:29:49- Hang on a minute, why is your clue in your sock?- Oh, the foot's out.
0:29:49 > 0:29:51- OK, first one.- Foot!
0:29:51 > 0:29:53Don't guess yet!
0:29:53 > 0:29:55Yeah, second one.
0:29:55 > 0:29:56Oh, God.
0:30:01 > 0:30:02This is very awkward.
0:30:05 > 0:30:06Is it football?
0:30:08 > 0:30:10It WAS football - very well done.
0:30:12 > 0:30:15That is how they used to play charades.
0:30:15 > 0:30:17It came from France, actually, the game,
0:30:17 > 0:30:20but it was codified by the brothers Mayhew, Henry and Horace,
0:30:20 > 0:30:22and they decided those were the rules.
0:30:22 > 0:30:24Look at that - isn't that wonderful?
0:30:24 > 0:30:27"Deeds not words," also, weirdly, the slogan of
0:30:27 > 0:30:30the Suffragettes, I don't know why it was also the slogan for charades!
0:30:30 > 0:30:32But I think the jokes were supposed to be out of muff-fin -
0:30:32 > 0:30:35that was the idea, so breast-plate, or cock-ade,
0:30:35 > 0:30:37or any of those things was meant to be hilarious.
0:30:37 > 0:30:40But there were lots of wonderful parlour games. Since that went
0:30:40 > 0:30:43so well, who's for a game of hot cockles?
0:30:43 > 0:30:44Absolutely.
0:30:46 > 0:30:49It was a big Georgian favourite - have you ever heard of it?
0:30:49 > 0:30:51- No.- Hot cockles? The player puts their head
0:30:51 > 0:30:54in another person's lap but here's the fun bit, OK?
0:30:54 > 0:30:57One by one, everybody else comes up behind and kicks them in the arse.
0:31:00 > 0:31:03The object of the game - you have to guess who's kicking.
0:31:06 > 0:31:09- Have you got any other ones? - Yes, I have.
0:31:09 > 0:31:11- I'm not sure about that one. - Bullet pudding.
0:31:11 > 0:31:14This was very, very popular in Regency times.
0:31:14 > 0:31:17You took a large amount of flour and you piled it
0:31:17 > 0:31:21on a plate and then you balanced a bullet on the top
0:31:21 > 0:31:23and then players used to take a knife and take it in turns
0:31:23 > 0:31:27to remove some of the flour and the person who made the
0:31:27 > 0:31:29bullet topple into the pile of flour, had to retrieve it
0:31:29 > 0:31:31using only their teeth.
0:31:31 > 0:31:35- We used to do that with 1p's. - In a pile of flour?- Yeah.
0:31:35 > 0:31:38- Aww!- On Christmas, when the bells would run out.
0:31:40 > 0:31:43On day five of Christmas, we'd do that, it's really fun.
0:31:43 > 0:31:45But at the end, you have to try and get the penny out with
0:31:45 > 0:31:47your face and then you look like Romesh.
0:31:50 > 0:31:52In a good way, Romesh.
0:31:52 > 0:31:53My beard, yeah.
0:31:53 > 0:31:55Snapdragon, another game
0:31:55 > 0:31:58that was incredibly popular from the 16th to the 19th century.
0:31:58 > 0:32:03You put brandy in a wide, shallow bowl and then raisins - again,
0:32:03 > 0:32:05and then the whole thing is set alight
0:32:05 > 0:32:08and the aim of the game is to pluck the raisins
0:32:08 > 0:32:09out of the burning brandy!
0:32:11 > 0:32:15With the hilarious risk of...being burnt!
0:32:18 > 0:32:20Merry Christmas!
0:32:20 > 0:32:22That's like Jackass 200 years ago!
0:32:24 > 0:32:27Now we invite QI's Lord of Misrule to the fireside
0:32:27 > 0:32:29for the round we call General Ignorance.
0:32:29 > 0:32:31Fingers on buzzers, please.
0:32:31 > 0:32:34What Christmas tradition is the first downward step
0:32:34 > 0:32:38for fallen women and inmates of prisons and lunatic asylums?
0:32:39 > 0:32:43- Crackers?- Crackers?- Pudding? - It's Christmas carols.- Carols.
0:32:43 > 0:32:47- Oh.- Because Christmas carols were originally sung in the pub
0:32:47 > 0:32:50at summertime. So, in the 1870s, carol singing was frowned upon,
0:32:50 > 0:32:53it was carried out by, well, the rough working classes,
0:32:53 > 0:32:55if I'm honest with you.
0:32:55 > 0:32:57They were often drunk and it was a disgraceful excuse
0:32:57 > 0:33:00for young men and women to spend time together.
0:33:00 > 0:33:03I've got this marvellous letter in the Derby Mercury, 1872,
0:33:03 > 0:33:07wondered, "How many poor fallen women and inmates of prisons
0:33:07 > 0:33:10"and lunatic asylums could date their first downward step to
0:33:10 > 0:33:12"an evening's carol singing?"
0:33:13 > 0:33:15So why would you sing Christmas songs in the summer?
0:33:15 > 0:33:18- They were just popular songs. - You were pissed.
0:33:18 > 0:33:19LAUGHTER
0:33:19 > 0:33:22And it's one of the reasons why they've survived so long
0:33:22 > 0:33:24because they were just very jolly, cheery tunes.
0:33:24 > 0:33:26There weren't many other songs about, were there?
0:33:26 > 0:33:29- They hadn't had The Beatles.- Yeah.
0:33:29 > 0:33:30That's a fair point, actually.
0:33:30 > 0:33:35Carols were traditionally summer songs sung down the pub.
0:33:35 > 0:33:39What did robins originally represent on Christmas cards?
0:33:39 > 0:33:41Evil?
0:33:45 > 0:33:48Can you imagine anything less evil?
0:33:48 > 0:33:51- Was it something to do with being stabbed, or blood?- What?!
0:33:52 > 0:33:56- You know...- I love how your mind works, but it puzzles me.
0:33:56 > 0:34:00- The red breast.- Yes. So, Christmas, traditional stabbing time.
0:34:02 > 0:34:05- OK, anybody in the audience know? AUDIENCE MEMBER:- The postman.
0:34:05 > 0:34:07Postmen. KLAXON BLARES
0:34:11 > 0:34:14Oh, it looks so easy, doesn't it?
0:34:14 > 0:34:16LAUGHTER
0:34:16 > 0:34:18The fact is, robins have been associated with Christmas
0:34:18 > 0:34:21- long before Victorian... - Long before Jesus.
0:34:21 > 0:34:22LAUGHTER
0:34:25 > 0:34:28Long before Victorian postmen and their red outfits.
0:34:28 > 0:34:31So the idea that robins on cards originally represented the postman,
0:34:31 > 0:34:34as, I have to say, stated in a previous QI,
0:34:34 > 0:34:37is wrong, and so thank goodness I am here to clear up this terrible mess.
0:34:37 > 0:34:39- Thank God you're here.- I know.
0:34:39 > 0:34:41There's a traditional Christmas song called The Robin's Appeal,
0:34:41 > 0:34:44so pictures of robins on cards appear to have been there
0:34:44 > 0:34:45to represent robins.
0:34:45 > 0:34:48What I find incredible about this is that he's a traditional postman
0:34:48 > 0:34:49but he's holding a smartphone.
0:34:54 > 0:34:57- And a man bag.- And a hipster beard. - Yeah.
0:34:57 > 0:35:00Possibly it's to do with poverty in the 19th century -
0:35:00 > 0:35:03it was common to refer to destitute children as poor robins.
0:35:03 > 0:35:07And lots of churches would put on robins' dinners on Christmas Day for local poor children.
0:35:07 > 0:35:10But it's changed over the years, so in the 1860s,
0:35:10 > 0:35:12they had robins on Christmas cards,
0:35:12 > 0:35:14and they were depicted as being comic,
0:35:14 > 0:35:17then in the 1870s, they get rather sentimental.
0:35:17 > 0:35:201880s, it's... I don't know what happened - they just show them dead.
0:35:20 > 0:35:21I don't know what's...
0:35:25 > 0:35:28- There's a stabbing.- There must have been a terrible epidemic.
0:35:28 > 0:35:34- ROMESH:- Look at... I mean, it says, "May yours be a joyful Christmas."
0:35:36 > 0:35:39He's got it wrong at the printer - it's meant to be portrait.
0:35:39 > 0:35:41LAUGHTER
0:35:42 > 0:35:45Despite what we said on an earlier season of QI,
0:35:45 > 0:35:50robins on Christmas cards probably represent not postmen, but poor children...or robins.
0:35:50 > 0:35:55And finally, what should I do if I spill red wine on the tablecloth?
0:35:55 > 0:35:58So, gentlemen, I'm going to give you a tablecloth,
0:35:58 > 0:36:01and you've got some wine between you.
0:36:01 > 0:36:03Wine, yes. Wine, lovely wine.
0:36:03 > 0:36:04All right, there we go.
0:36:04 > 0:36:07If you think any of it's going on the tablecloth,
0:36:07 > 0:36:09you are sadly mistaken.
0:36:12 > 0:36:14A merry, merry, merry Christmas to you all.
0:36:14 > 0:36:17I've had drinks with you before, and I suspect I am not mistaken.
0:36:22 > 0:36:24- OK, so...- Pouring the red on? - Do a bit of red on.
0:36:24 > 0:36:27- Little bit of red on there.- OK. Now, what would you do about that?
0:36:27 > 0:36:29I've gone, "Ooh, my tablecloth!"
0:36:29 > 0:36:31Oh! Get some white wine, get some white wine!
0:36:31 > 0:36:34KLAXON BLARES
0:36:36 > 0:36:38- Can we try it at least? - You can give it a go, yeah.
0:36:38 > 0:36:40I mean, it's a bit unfair to give us white wine
0:36:40 > 0:36:43- and then have a go at us for mentioning it, but...- OK, have a go.
0:36:46 > 0:36:47- So...- It's gone, it's gone!
0:36:48 > 0:36:54So, it will dilute the stain, but it contains complex sugars.
0:36:54 > 0:36:56It's perfectly possible that the white wine will discolour the cloth.
0:36:56 > 0:37:00So, you two, you've got a bit of carpet that you've spilled yours on.
0:37:00 > 0:37:02- OK.- I have seen that work, though.
0:37:02 > 0:37:04- Spill a bit of red. - Shall I spill it?- Yeah, go on.
0:37:04 > 0:37:06It's liberty hall. There we go.
0:37:06 > 0:37:09- Oh, God!- Red on the carpet... Wow, you just went crazy!
0:37:11 > 0:37:15You assumed that you were doing just the one experiment, did you, Holly?
0:37:15 > 0:37:17And you were going to get it right first time out of the gate?
0:37:17 > 0:37:19- Right, Jason, what are you going to do?- I've got all sorts here.
0:37:19 > 0:37:22- OK.- I think there's some... Is that soda water?
0:37:22 > 0:37:23Er...yes, that's...
0:37:23 > 0:37:26- Water, maybe a bit of salt. - Yes? OK, you were doing...
0:37:26 > 0:37:29KLAXON BLARES
0:37:29 > 0:37:30- But not salt?- Not salt.
0:37:30 > 0:37:33Salt will absorb the wine initially, but it's also a fixative,
0:37:33 > 0:37:36so unless you manage to get all the salt out,
0:37:36 > 0:37:37it is possible that what you're actually doing
0:37:37 > 0:37:39is making the stain permanent.
0:37:39 > 0:37:41Well, this is... This is doing a good job.
0:37:41 > 0:37:43- So, the tip is, blot it... - I can't open the vinegar.
0:37:43 > 0:37:46So, again, the vinegar, frankly no better than water,
0:37:46 > 0:37:47and extremely expensive.
0:37:47 > 0:37:50- What's this, then? - No better than water!
0:37:50 > 0:37:53It's also acidic, so it's going to possibly discolour the cloth.
0:37:53 > 0:37:56It's going through the desk! It's going through the desk!
0:37:56 > 0:37:59Argh, it's like Alien!
0:37:59 > 0:38:01- So the tip is...- Get Ripley!
0:38:01 > 0:38:03The tip is to... Oh, no.
0:38:03 > 0:38:05LAUGHTER
0:38:14 > 0:38:16Well, that's put that fire out.
0:38:17 > 0:38:19- That didn't work, Sandi. - That didn't work, no.
0:38:19 > 0:38:22What you need to do is blot it with kitchen paper.
0:38:22 > 0:38:24I was going to take this notebook home.
0:38:29 > 0:38:31Well, that's sorted that out, that's...
0:38:32 > 0:38:35Don't spill your wine, that's the moral of the story.
0:38:35 > 0:38:36That's the trick.
0:38:36 > 0:38:38But actually, the answer is, you blot it with kitchen paper,
0:38:38 > 0:38:40and all you need is tap water, not sparkling water.
0:38:40 > 0:38:42- Why not sparkling water? - Cos it's fizzy?
0:38:42 > 0:38:44Cos it's really expensive!
0:38:44 > 0:38:46Oh, it's stupidly expensive.
0:38:46 > 0:38:48It's really stupidly expensive.
0:38:48 > 0:38:49What have you done? You've made a mess.
0:38:49 > 0:38:51- We haven't done nothing. - Underneath. Let me see.
0:38:51 > 0:38:52How do you get, erm...
0:38:52 > 0:38:54wine off expensive electrical equipment?
0:38:54 > 0:38:57LAUGHTER
0:38:59 > 0:39:02Well, I have to say, Sandi, that's bollocks,
0:39:02 > 0:39:04cos that hasn't worked, either.
0:39:07 > 0:39:10- One year...- Yes.- ..when I was a student, we had paper decorations.
0:39:10 > 0:39:14And then we had brandy on the cake and the paper caught fire
0:39:14 > 0:39:16and then it went...
0:39:16 > 0:39:18HE BLOWS
0:39:19 > 0:39:23Across the whole room and then flaming decorations started...
0:39:24 > 0:39:27And then someone threw brandy on it to put it out
0:39:27 > 0:39:28and it went...whoom!
0:39:29 > 0:39:33And then suddenly we realised this was an actual fire.
0:39:33 > 0:39:37And my mate got up and put Burning Down The House by Talking Heads on.
0:39:39 > 0:39:42- Shanthi, what would you do, darling? - Washing-up liquid.
0:39:42 > 0:39:43- Washing-up liquid? - Oh, controversial!
0:39:43 > 0:39:45OK.
0:39:45 > 0:39:48- Yeah, but it's not... - Any particular brand?
0:39:48 > 0:39:52- But not wasting white wine, am I right?- No. No, I won't.
0:39:52 > 0:39:54We just move furniture...
0:39:56 > 0:40:00- Sod it, let's move the couch. - Put a rug on it.
0:40:00 > 0:40:02"Why's the telly behind the sofa?"
0:40:02 > 0:40:04"Don't worry about it."
0:40:05 > 0:40:08- I'll tell you what we did one year, actually...- Yeah?
0:40:08 > 0:40:10..is spilt a bit of red wine, then took one of the dead budgies,
0:40:10 > 0:40:12made it look like a murder scene.
0:40:14 > 0:40:17The bird died because somebody fell on the cage, I remember.
0:40:17 > 0:40:19Did somebody fall on the cage?
0:40:19 > 0:40:21Yeah, they were drunk, isn't it?
0:40:21 > 0:40:22That's why it died.
0:40:24 > 0:40:25It's not me!
0:40:26 > 0:40:30- JASON:- Can I just say, the bird didn't die, the bird was murdered.
0:40:30 > 0:40:31Yeah.
0:40:31 > 0:40:34I've also got dead budgies in my life.
0:40:34 > 0:40:37We had two blue budgies, one called Manchester
0:40:37 > 0:40:38and one called City.
0:40:40 > 0:40:42When I was a kid. And what happened was...
0:40:42 > 0:40:45The door was open and it had gone for it, flown out
0:40:45 > 0:40:47and it broke its leg.
0:40:47 > 0:40:48ALL GASP
0:40:48 > 0:40:52So we managed to... My dad, with two little matchsticks, managed
0:40:52 > 0:40:55to make a little splint and put it back in its cage, honestly...
0:40:55 > 0:40:56Back in its cage!
0:40:56 > 0:40:58This is such rubbish, man!
0:41:00 > 0:41:03- Made a little splint?! - A little splint for its leg, right,
0:41:03 > 0:41:06and then put it back in its cage but obviously it couldn't stand
0:41:06 > 0:41:08on its perch anymore, so we had to just leave it on the
0:41:08 > 0:41:10- bottom of the cage...- In agony.
0:41:10 > 0:41:13It was sort of fine, it had stopped whistling, you know, but...
0:41:14 > 0:41:17Did it have crutches as well?
0:41:17 > 0:41:19No, no, don't be ridiculous!
0:41:19 > 0:41:21LAUGHTER
0:41:21 > 0:41:23One afternoon, my mum came in from work
0:41:23 > 0:41:25and it had toppled into its water bowl and drowned.
0:41:25 > 0:41:27ALL GROAN
0:41:27 > 0:41:29Just a little splint sticking up out of the bowl.
0:41:31 > 0:41:34And a very merry Christmas to you all.
0:41:38 > 0:41:41Yes, the only thing worse than spilling red wine
0:41:41 > 0:41:44is wasting good white wine trying to clean it up.
0:41:44 > 0:41:46And with that, we come to the end of the show,
0:41:46 > 0:41:47so let's have a look at the scores.
0:41:49 > 0:41:51Oh, my goodness, it's a Christmas miracle -
0:41:51 > 0:41:53everybody came first equal!
0:41:53 > 0:41:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:04 > 0:42:07Thanks to Holly, Jason, Romesh and Alan.
0:42:07 > 0:42:11But before we go, I've got one last Christmas present.
0:42:11 > 0:42:13I absolutely love Christmas singing,
0:42:13 > 0:42:15so I wonder if there is anyone in the audience
0:42:15 > 0:42:16who's a member of a choir?
0:42:19 > 0:42:20- What?!- Wow!
0:42:21 > 0:42:22OK. Put your hands up,
0:42:22 > 0:42:24how many of you know We Wish You A Merry Christmas?
0:42:25 > 0:42:30OK. So here is my gift to you - the QI audience choir,
0:42:30 > 0:42:32conducted by Neville Creed.
0:42:34 > 0:42:38# We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas
0:42:38 > 0:42:42# We wish you a merry Christmas And a happy New Year
0:42:42 > 0:42:46# Good tidings we bring To you and your kin
0:42:46 > 0:42:50# We wish you a merry Christmas And a happy New Year
0:42:50 > 0:42:54# Now bring us some figgy pudding Now bring us some figgy pudding
0:42:54 > 0:42:58# Now bring us some figgy pudding And bring some out here
0:42:58 > 0:43:02# Good tidings we bring To you and your kin
0:43:02 > 0:43:06# We wish you a merry Christmas And a happy New Year
0:43:06 > 0:43:10# We all like figgy pudding We all like figgy pudding
0:43:10 > 0:43:14# We all like figgy pudding So bring some out here
0:43:14 > 0:43:18# Good tidings we bring To you and your kin
0:43:18 > 0:43:23# We wish you a merry Christmas And a happy New Year
0:43:23 > 0:43:25# And we won't go until we've had some
0:43:25 > 0:43:27# We won't go until we've had some
0:43:27 > 0:43:31# We won't go until we've had some So bring some out here
0:43:31 > 0:43:35# Good tidings we bring To you and your kin
0:43:35 > 0:43:39# We wish you a merry Christmas And a happy New Year
0:43:39 > 0:43:41# A happy new year
0:43:41 > 0:43:49# We wish you a merry Christmas And a happy New Year. #
0:43:49 > 0:43:51APPLAUSE
0:43:55 > 0:43:57ALL: Merry Christmas!