0:00:03 > 0:00:07This programme contains adult humour and some strong language
0:00:28 > 0:00:30APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Hello! Hello, hello, hello, hello.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37A very good evening to you and welcome to QI,
0:00:37 > 0:00:43where everything is as bright as a new pin and we avoid cliches like the plague.
0:00:43 > 0:00:48I won't say our players are raring to go, not in a month of Sundays.
0:00:48 > 0:00:54So, without further ado, let's meet and greet Bill Bailey!
0:00:54 > 0:00:58Sean Lock! Jo Brand! And Alan Davies!
0:00:58 > 0:01:00APPLAUSE
0:01:00 > 0:01:05Tonight, although this is Series B, we're talking about colour,
0:01:05 > 0:01:09so all of our buzzers are blue. Bill goes...
0:01:09 > 0:01:11HARMONICA
0:01:13 > 0:01:18- Sean goes... - LIGHT GUITAR RIFF
0:01:18 > 0:01:23- Jo goes... - "OO-OOH-YEAH!"
0:01:23 > 0:01:27- And Alan goes... - ORGASMIC FEMALE PANTING
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Ah.
0:01:30 > 0:01:35- That's a genuine recording.- You said that without moving your legs.
0:01:35 > 0:01:39Em, right now, sweeties, you all have sweeties
0:01:39 > 0:01:46and in a range of bright colours. Here's a nice Mediterranean one to get you started with.
0:01:46 > 0:01:51What colour was the sky in Ancient Greece?
0:01:51 > 0:01:53"OO-OOH-YEAH!"
0:01:53 > 0:01:56- Jo!- Blue if that picture's accurate.
0:01:56 > 0:02:01- ALARM BELLS - Oh, no, actually it wasn't, I'm afraid, blue.
0:02:01 > 0:02:07- I should have told you it was Ancient Greece...and I did. - Yeah, you did.
0:02:07 > 0:02:14They didn't take photographs in Ancient Greece, so that photo is of modern Greece.
0:02:15 > 0:02:20- Well, I know...- You fell into... - It could be a very good carving.
0:02:20 > 0:02:25- Could be.- Could it be darker blue because it's faded over time?
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Yes. It's a photograph.
0:02:29 > 0:02:34- They call blue something else? - They didn't call anything blue.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38- They didn't look up ever? They didn't have colours?- No, they did,
0:02:38 > 0:02:40but didn't have a word for blue.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44- What did they say? "The...sky." - Bronze.- Bronze?!- Yes!
0:02:44 > 0:02:47They called it bronze. Homer did.
0:02:47 > 0:02:54- I've no time for these Greeks. - Without them you wouldn't be here. - Rubbish! You say this every week.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57- It's true!- What do you mean?!
0:02:57 > 0:03:01..mathematics, harmony, democracy, justice...
0:03:01 > 0:03:05That's got nothing to do with people shagging for decades!
0:03:05 > 0:03:11There wouldn't be television and without television you are nothing.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Is there a Greek word for television?
0:03:14 > 0:03:19"Television" is a word that offends classicists. It's Latin AND Greek.
0:03:19 > 0:03:24- Awww.- It's a hybrid. - They're so touchy.- They are.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27"Tele" is Greek, "vision" is Latin.
0:03:27 > 0:03:32The Saxon word for television would be boxy-light.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36- We know the German. It would be Fernsehen.- Oh, yeah!
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Wake up, Sean!
0:03:40 > 0:03:44- They've got blue in their flag! - That's modern Greeks.
0:03:44 > 0:03:49- "Ooh! We don't like them!"- They just didn't have a word for it.
0:03:49 > 0:03:56- I WOULD be here without the Ancient Greeks.- I wonder how many Welsh words there are for colours.
0:03:56 > 0:04:03Unfortunately, because of you English people destroying our culture, I don't know our language.
0:04:03 > 0:04:08- Oh, yes. I must apologise. - Cruel imperial invader!
0:04:08 > 0:04:14My great-grandfather was forced to flee Cardiff and set up a restaurant in the East End.
0:04:14 > 0:04:19Do you want to know something very interesting, Alan?
0:04:19 > 0:04:26- There is no Welsh word for blue. - I'm sure there is.- There is! You just can't say it.
0:04:26 > 0:04:32So when did Ancient Greece hand over to modern Greece? "There you go.
0:04:32 > 0:04:36- "Go on." - "The sky is blue!"- "There you are!"
0:04:36 > 0:04:40- For starters! - It's a very interesting question.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44Some Darwinians believed the Greeks as ancient as Homer,
0:04:44 > 0:04:51who was a very long time before even Sophocles and Socrates, who you and I talk about every day,
0:04:52 > 0:04:56that they hadn't developed a colour sense in the eye,
0:04:56 > 0:05:03but it's now perceived that they didn't find any use for calling things by different colours...
0:05:03 > 0:05:08- "OO-OOH-YEAH!" - Yes? Am I boring you?- I'm losing the will to live.- I'm so sorry.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13- I'm so sorry. - APPLAUSE
0:05:14 > 0:05:18Can you just hit your buzzer there, Al?
0:05:18 > 0:05:22ORGASMIC MOAN An excerpt from a bronze movie.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26Very good. Very, very good.
0:05:32 > 0:05:38In a similar spirit, Homer regarded wine, the sea and sheep as all being the same colour - red.
0:05:38 > 0:05:44To us, this seems peculiar, but colour is just one way of describing tones.
0:05:44 > 0:05:49Look at this. What does a rainbow look like from the other side?
0:05:49 > 0:05:51- Can't see it.- Slightly different.
0:05:51 > 0:05:55Just slightly different. It's nice, I'll say that,
0:05:56 > 0:06:02but it's not as... You'd rather be on the proper side, but it's all right.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08I wouldn't bother going round.
0:06:08 > 0:06:13You can't concentrate. People go, "Come and look from this side!"
0:06:13 > 0:06:20- But your first answer was correct. - You can only see it... - From the side that you're on.
0:06:20 > 0:06:21Yeah.
0:06:23 > 0:06:29- Otherwise you wouldn't know it's there. It's to do with where the rain is...- Where the sun is.
0:06:29 > 0:06:34- There has to be sun.- Yes. - And it has to be behind you.- Yeah.
0:06:34 > 0:06:40The light comes from behind your head, goes through a raindrop, bounces off the back of it
0:06:40 > 0:06:45and comes back to your eye. It only happens at an angle of 42 degrees.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48"OO-OOH-YEAH!"
0:06:48 > 0:06:54- Can you tell me at what point in time human beings were actually able to sing a rainbow?- Ah!
0:06:54 > 0:06:58- Is there a song? - # I can sing a rainbow... #
0:06:58 > 0:07:01There's loads of different ones.
0:07:01 > 0:07:06# Grey and grey and grey and grey Grey and grey and grey I can sing a woodlouse... #
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Very good.
0:07:11 > 0:07:17- In Estonia they believe that if you point at a rainbow your finger will fall off.- Oh, for God's sake!
0:07:17 > 0:07:22- Estonians aren't stupid people, are they?- They aren't.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Very stumpy, though.
0:07:26 > 0:07:31- What do you know about indigo? - Blue, isn't it?- Purple.
0:07:31 > 0:07:36- It's the colour of, em... - Silence?- No.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41- Could you sing that song?- No! - It's the colour of audacity!
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Now I'M talking like that!
0:07:44 > 0:07:47It's the colour of audacity.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51- It's a sort of dark-y blue, isn't it?- Isn't it a fertility thing?
0:07:51 > 0:07:55It's an Indian plant that was used for dyeing.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58In what sense a fertility thing?
0:07:58 > 0:08:03Doesn't it come up on women's legs in circles when they're ready?
0:08:05 > 0:08:08- That may be impetigo!- Like bands.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11I think that's impetigo.
0:08:11 > 0:08:16Or... "It comes up on women's legs"(?)
0:08:16 > 0:08:22Impetigo. No, it's a dark blue dye used for such things as jeans and police uniforms,
0:08:22 > 0:08:28which brings me... Why, oh why, take the piss out of Newcastle?
0:08:29 > 0:08:32They haven't got any toilets.
0:08:32 > 0:08:39They've got no toilets and they're so hard they can hold it in until they go on holiday.
0:08:39 > 0:08:43That's why they talk out of the side of their mooth, like that.
0:08:43 > 0:08:49- "Visiting Auntie! Can't wait." - Interesting theory.- Is that wrong?
0:08:49 > 0:08:55Is the urine exceptionally pure because of the filtering process of brown ale?
0:08:55 > 0:09:02It used to be very pure, but no longer probably is. Newcastle was a major exporter of piss
0:09:02 > 0:09:06- in the 18th century. What does urine contain?- Ammonia.
0:09:06 > 0:09:10- Good.- Some sort of infection thing.
0:09:10 > 0:09:16- If a jellyfish stings you, you've got to pee on your leg. - I'll give you a further hint.
0:09:16 > 0:09:20- I introduced this by saying... - Anaesthetic!- ..indigo...- A dye!
0:09:20 > 0:09:23- It's used for policemen's uniforms. - Dyeing.
0:09:23 > 0:09:27So ammonia was used in the dyeing industry.
0:09:27 > 0:09:33North Yorkshire had great quarries where they mixed the ammonia and stones and things
0:09:33 > 0:09:37with woad and came out with these dyes.
0:09:37 > 0:09:44- Newcastle's third biggest export after coal and beer was wee-wee. - Ever weed into your own mouth?
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Yeah. Oh, it's easy.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Babies do that. It's very funny.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53They're lying wriggling and pee into their mouth.
0:09:53 > 0:10:00- We used to have a toilet at school and it was urinal to there, then wall and then a window.- Yes.
0:10:00 > 0:10:04Quite high. And my friend, Danny, The Squirt...
0:10:07 > 0:10:12- ..bending quite far back like that could wee out of the window.- Wow!
0:10:12 > 0:10:18In Newcastle, people had to pee into buckets which were collected wee-kly.
0:10:18 > 0:10:24The reason policemen's uniforms were such a rich and impressive hue
0:10:24 > 0:10:28was that they'd been widdled on by Geordies, ultimately.
0:10:28 > 0:10:33- Have you all enjoyed your sweeties? Which colour did you like best?- Red.
0:10:33 > 0:10:37Most children, when asked which colour they liked, will say red.
0:10:37 > 0:10:43When a food manufacturer wants to colour food red, he uses...
0:10:43 > 0:10:45one of these. It's food additive.
0:10:45 > 0:10:50It's E120, a colorant. My question is what is E120 made from?
0:10:50 > 0:10:52"OO-OOH-YEAH!"
0:10:52 > 0:10:55A beetle of some sort.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58- ALARM BELLS - No, I'm afraid not! No.
0:10:58 > 0:11:02We rather predicted you'd say that. Almost right.
0:11:02 > 0:11:07- It's a bug, not a beetle.- Well... - What's the difference, then?
0:11:07 > 0:11:12- You should remember, of all people, because...- Bugs suck things.
0:11:12 > 0:11:18- Well done, you did remember! Five points.- What do beetles do? - They don't suck.
0:11:18 > 0:11:25If you drink with a straw, they look at you. "I'm not a bug, all right?"
0:11:25 > 0:11:31Bug is not just American slang for any insect. It's a specific scientific word.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34- It has piercing mouth parts.- Ooh!
0:11:34 > 0:11:39- Mandibles.- Yes.- You answered to that like it was your nickname.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41"Mandibles." "Yes?"
0:11:41 > 0:11:46- That was his nickname at school. - "Mandibles" Fry.
0:11:46 > 0:11:51- The point about this stuff, which is also called...?- JO: Cochineal.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55Yes, you get points back for that. It is made from crushed insects.
0:11:55 > 0:12:00They're called Dactylopius coccus and they're a kind of bug.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04It takes about 70,000 of them to make one pound of cochineal.
0:12:04 > 0:12:10We've moved away from cochineal as people who don't eat animals felt they were being conned
0:12:10 > 0:12:16by a tube of Smarties when it had dead animals in it. And they're not kosher.
0:12:16 > 0:12:22E122 we now use, except in Smarties where you're eating crushed bugs.
0:12:22 > 0:12:27The red ones. But E122 is very bad if you have an allergy to aspirin.
0:12:27 > 0:12:33It can make people very blotchy or HYPER-active! Interesting issue.
0:12:33 > 0:12:38I've changed my mind. I think I prefer the green.
0:12:38 > 0:12:45- Tough.- Where did the whole notion of crushing beetles to get their colouring from arise?
0:12:45 > 0:12:52When did people think, "These foods are not the right colour. I need a bit more pizzazz"?
0:12:52 > 0:12:57You only need to imagine. You're pounding maize in Mexico, where this started.
0:12:57 > 0:13:02- And a few of these beetles... - Accidentally fall in.
0:13:02 > 0:13:08And it goes a beautiful pink. And your husband says, "I like this pink polenta!"
0:13:08 > 0:13:13They didn't start crushing animals and work their way down? Squirrel...
0:13:13 > 0:13:17"No, that's no good." Next animal.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21- GUITAR RIFF - You've set your buzzer off!
0:13:21 > 0:13:28They didn't say, "I love this pink polenta!" They said, "Thee pink polenta, I love eet!"
0:13:28 > 0:13:32- So... - "I want some-a pink polenta!"
0:13:32 > 0:13:37So you think this happened after the Spanish colonisation of Mexico?
0:13:37 > 0:13:41- APPLAUSE - Alan...
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Ahh! He got you. That was a good one.
0:13:44 > 0:13:49- Hats off! - Are you telling me the Incas talked like Oxbridge graduates?
0:13:49 > 0:13:54- Well...- "I'm just going up to finish off Machu Picchu!
0:13:54 > 0:13:59- "Help me with these stones?" - It was really the Aztecs we were concerned with.
0:13:59 > 0:14:05- But...- Ever felt like your weapon's not big enough, Jo?
0:14:06 > 0:14:11- No!- Let's move from bugs... from bugs to beetles.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13"I love thee pink polenta!"
0:14:13 > 0:14:18Beetle fanciers, as you probably know, are called...
0:14:18 > 0:14:20HARMONICA
0:14:20 > 0:14:24- Coleopterists.- Very good! I'll give you five points.- Thank you.
0:14:24 > 0:14:28- Press him on how the hell he knows that!- When I was a child...
0:14:28 > 0:14:33In Alan's world, knowing something is a kind of freakish, weird thing.
0:14:33 > 0:14:40Can you explain how you know something? He'd love to know the mystery of this.
0:14:40 > 0:14:46"Welcome to my world of knowing!" The wonderful world of... looking up things in books.
0:14:46 > 0:14:51- You looked it up?!- No. When I was a kid, I collected butterflies.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55- What were you called? - A lepidopterist.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Not a leopard collector.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Did you run out and kill them yourself?
0:15:01 > 0:15:05No, you put them in a bottle with chloroform... I know, it's cruel.
0:15:05 > 0:15:09Not very nice. Were you a lepidopterist?
0:15:09 > 0:15:16- I did do a bit of bug hunting, as the Americans say.- I can see you running along with the big net.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20- "Tarquin, I've got one!" - Dressed as an Ancient Greek.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Flowing toga and a big net.
0:15:22 > 0:15:27- Quite right. Coleopterist. - "I am an Aztec!"
0:15:29 > 0:15:32- I was a philatelist.- Were you?
0:15:32 > 0:15:37- GUITAR RIFF - Is there a special word for someone who did metalwork?
0:15:38 > 0:15:43- A smith.- I did a bit of that when I was a young man.- Or metallurgist.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Loser, we called them.
0:15:47 > 0:15:52Coleopterists, who love beetles, are extremely busy people,
0:15:52 > 0:15:59far too busy to watch television panellists dithering about, so we have to push on a bit.
0:15:59 > 0:16:04- How long since anyone discovered a new type of beetle?- Eight seconds.
0:16:04 > 0:16:09- Eight seconds is quite recent... - "OO-OOH-YEAH!"
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Oh, 700 years.
0:16:12 > 0:16:16No. Look, no-one is forcing you to play this game.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19If you want to sit in the corner...
0:16:19 > 0:16:21HARMONICA Killer! You're a killer!
0:16:22 > 0:16:27I released them into the wild, after they'd been killed.
0:16:27 > 0:16:32The supreme irony is that moths got into the collection and ate them all.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36The answer is about an hour.
0:16:36 > 0:16:42Since 1700, they reckon that a new species was discovered
0:16:42 > 0:16:46at the rate of one every six hours, but it's accelerated.
0:16:46 > 0:16:53There may be 10 million different species of beetle and only 2,000 coleopterists in the world.
0:16:53 > 0:16:58- So many beetles, just not enough time. - GUITAR RIFF
0:16:58 > 0:17:05The amazing thing is that two-thirds of all insects are beetles, but even more,
0:17:05 > 0:17:10if you put all examples of plants and animal species in a row,
0:17:10 > 0:17:16every fifth one would be a beetle. Every tenth one would be a weevil. So, next question...
0:17:16 > 0:17:22Odd one out. A ptilidae beetle, a camel or the Sultan of Brunei?
0:17:22 > 0:17:25"OO-OOH-YEAH!"
0:17:25 > 0:17:29- Is it a ptilidae beetle? - It is. Correct.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Can you elaborate?
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Well, I don't want to show off.
0:17:35 > 0:17:39- The camel stores water in its hump...- No.
0:17:39 > 0:17:44- I know the Sultan of Brunei...- You don't know the Sultan of Brunei.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48He can afford to pay pop stars to dance in their knickers.
0:17:48 > 0:17:53He's that RICH. What do rich people have in common with camels?
0:17:53 > 0:17:57- The ability to sustain water in their humps.- The inability...
0:17:57 > 0:18:01"OO-OOH-YEAH!" They're BLEEP miserable all the time!
0:18:01 > 0:18:06- What can they not do? - Pass through the eye of a needle! - Pass through the eye of a needle.
0:18:06 > 0:18:11"Easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle..."
0:18:11 > 0:18:15This beetle is so small, it can go through the eye of a needle.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19- Ah!- And they come in very varying sizes, beetles.
0:18:19 > 0:18:26The biggest one, Titanus Giganteus, is huge. We have a sample of the second-biggest one.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30- This is the Hercules beetle.- Ohh! - From the Natural History Museum.
0:18:30 > 0:18:37- How many examples of beetle do you think they have? How many different...?- 820,000.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40- No, a lot more. It's 12 million. - Blimey.
0:18:40 > 0:18:47Finally, we plunge into the land that knowledge forgot. Daviesland. A place we call General Ignorance.
0:18:48 > 0:18:54Fingers on buzzers, please, for one last chance to avoid looking like Charlies.
0:18:54 > 0:18:59Firstly, back on our colour theme, what rhymes with orange?
0:18:59 > 0:19:01ORGASMIC MOAN
0:19:06 > 0:19:10- Nothing.- Oh! - ALARM BELLS
0:19:10 > 0:19:12- Oh, lordy.- Flange!
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Flange?!
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Or-ange!
0:19:17 > 0:19:23- Can you think of any word that rhymes with it?- Borange. - Borange would rhyme with it.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26I don't think there's such a thing.
0:19:26 > 0:19:30No, borange. That's what you suck up, em...
0:19:30 > 0:19:33Sir, sir! Lock's making it up, sir.
0:19:35 > 0:19:40Terribly close. Blorange. It's a place. Anybody know where it is?
0:19:40 > 0:19:44- It sounds like it's in Belgium. - No, closer to home.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47- Blorange!- Wales.
0:19:47 > 0:19:52It is. It overlooks Abergavenny. It has a famous car park.
0:19:55 > 0:20:00A horse is buried there. A famous horse called Foxhunter.
0:20:00 > 0:20:05- There's also Gorringe. - If you say porridge with a cold.
0:20:05 > 0:20:09Porange. "I'll hab some porange, plead."
0:20:09 > 0:20:13Lester Piggott, he goes... "I'll have some porange."
0:20:13 > 0:20:20I'm sure that Richard Whiteley on Countdown said that nothing rhymes with orange.
0:20:20 > 0:20:24- We're here to explode... - Richard Whiteley!- ..the myths!
0:20:26 > 0:20:30Gorringe. It's a surname. Probably the same root as Goering.
0:20:30 > 0:20:37- My prep school tailors were called Gorringe. We got our uniforms made. - They had a tailor?!
0:20:37 > 0:20:42You had a tailor for a suit you wear when you're five!
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Were you born in the 1850s?!
0:20:46 > 0:20:50- You had... - "I shall measure up, young sir,
0:20:50 > 0:20:55- "for your shorts and cap." - He was the school outfitter!
0:20:55 > 0:21:01- All right. - A tailoring shop...- "Which side does young sir dress on?"
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Hardly worth bothering about!
0:21:04 > 0:21:09You should know that! It's written on the toilet walls!
0:21:09 > 0:21:14- Oh...- "Do you want to get measured up for shorts?"
0:21:14 > 0:21:19- Oh, Lord!- "Would Sir like to wear a cravat on the cross-country run?"
0:21:27 > 0:21:29You're all such beasts!
0:21:31 > 0:21:38- Anyway, Gorringe is a splendid English surname.- "I'd suggest a cummerbund for Geography."
0:21:44 > 0:21:50- "I say!"- Ssh!- "I do rather like this pink polenta!"
0:21:51 > 0:21:54Utter rotters.
0:21:54 > 0:21:59Gorringe was the surname of Henry Honeychurch Gorringe,
0:21:59 > 0:22:04who brought Cleopatra's Needle to New York's Central Park.
0:22:04 > 0:22:08What colour - fingers on buzzers - is the planet Mars?
0:22:08 > 0:22:10"OO-OOH-YEAH!"
0:22:10 > 0:22:13- It's red.- Oh, no!
0:22:13 > 0:22:20- I KNEW that was gonna happen. - I'm afraid it's actually brown. - Rusty brown.- Browny brown, really.
0:22:20 > 0:22:25It only appears red sometimes because of dust in the atmosphere.
0:22:25 > 0:22:31- Its landscape is a very boring brown.- Why are we going there? What's the f'ing point?
0:22:31 > 0:22:34Oh, you are...! You are just unbelievable.
0:22:34 > 0:22:38The... I see, I see.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Yes, I see.
0:22:40 > 0:22:45Right. I refuse to rise to the bait.
0:22:45 > 0:22:51According to New Scientist, the most recent pictures of Mars issued by NASA were tweaked by...
0:22:51 > 0:22:58- Photoshop?- ..using filters... - Put Britney Spears on it. - ..in order to conform...
0:22:58 > 0:23:04with our expectations of its redness. Next, apropos of absolutely nothing at all,
0:23:04 > 0:23:09what prevented Henry VIII from marrying Lord Pembroke?
0:23:09 > 0:23:12- "OO-OOH-YEAH!" - Jo?
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Lady Pembroke?
0:23:15 > 0:23:18Very good.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21ORGASMIC MOAN
0:23:22 > 0:23:26Em... Because gay marriages were illegal.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29- ALARM BELLS - Oh, you've done it!
0:23:31 > 0:23:35No, he did marry Lord Pembroke, eventually.
0:23:35 > 0:23:42- He married Lord Pembroke? - Was Lord Pembroke a nickname for... - A lady!- Lord Pembroke WAS a lady.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45- It was Anne Boleyn.- Oh, right.
0:23:45 > 0:23:51- He was married to Catherine of Aragon.- She disguised herself as a man to sneak into his chamber!
0:23:51 > 0:23:57- No, she was just very miffed. - You were like in a school play!
0:23:57 > 0:23:59"She disguised herself as a man..."
0:24:00 > 0:24:05- You're supposed to be an actor! - Have you never seen Jonathan Creek?
0:24:08 > 0:24:13"She disguised herself as a man to sneak into the king's chamber!
0:24:13 > 0:24:16"I must leave for France!"
0:24:17 > 0:24:23He was married to Catherine of Aragon, the Pope was head of the Church,
0:24:23 > 0:24:28Anne Boleyn was very annoyed, so he offered her a title.
0:24:28 > 0:24:35She wanted a proper title, so he made her Marquis of Pembroke, which is a male title, of course.
0:24:35 > 0:24:41Eventually, he did overcome it, declared his marriage null and void
0:24:41 > 0:24:45and married Anne Boleyn, then cut her head off.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49To mammals. I'm one, you're one, Lord Pembroke was one.
0:24:49 > 0:24:54- We come in a wide variety of colours - white rhinos, black panthers...- Whales.
0:24:54 > 0:24:59- Red kangaroos.- Blue whale. - Pink elephants - ha-ha! Name a green mammal.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02- ORGASMIC MOAN - Frog.
0:25:03 > 0:25:07Now name a green MAMMAL!
0:25:07 > 0:25:10GUITAR RIFF
0:25:11 > 0:25:14An Ancient Greek cow!
0:25:14 > 0:25:17"OO-OOH-YEAH!"
0:25:17 > 0:25:19A budgie.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22Now a green MAMMAL.
0:25:22 > 0:25:26- GUITAR RIFF - OK, a rotten badger.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Very good. Excellent.
0:25:28 > 0:25:33- We've all seen them! - Good one.- Chameleon.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35- No?- Chameleon's a lizard.
0:25:35 > 0:25:39HARMONICA A really, really jealous shrew.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41No, there are none.
0:25:41 > 0:25:46Very common to birds, reptiles, fish, but no green mammals.
0:25:46 > 0:25:51There is a sloth that looks green, but it's algae on his fur.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54He's so slow that moss grows on him?
0:25:54 > 0:25:57So much a sloth, exactly.
0:25:57 > 0:26:04Lastly, we come full circle to the mad, mad world, Alan... of Ancient Greece.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Why wouldn't an Ancient Greek...
0:26:09 > 0:26:16Why wouldn't an Ancient Greek baker mind if you told him where he could stick his baguette?
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Cos they were a bit like that.
0:26:20 > 0:26:25You know what I mean. I think we all know. I'm not gonna say it.
0:26:25 > 0:26:30Cos you can't these days. Ooh, very hot water.
0:26:30 > 0:26:36I almost thought it was Bertrand Russell talking(!) As a pleasuring device?
0:26:36 > 0:26:39- A dildo!- Bread dildo is right.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41They made dildoes out of bread.
0:26:41 > 0:26:47You know that most women would have gone for the eating option.
0:26:47 > 0:26:53- Is that written down in Ancient Greek?- It was only discovered in 1987, actually. Very recent.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Who discovered it?
0:26:55 > 0:26:59There was a Greek baker frozen in a glacier.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06No, he was going like that...
0:27:09 > 0:27:13He was handing the baton of Ancient Greek democracy to us.
0:27:13 > 0:27:17It's time for the final reckoning. Scores!
0:27:17 > 0:27:23Now, just in last, fourth, place - just - with minus 22, is Alan Davies.
0:27:23 > 0:27:28But a brilliant performance. In third place with minus 20 is Jo Brand.
0:27:31 > 0:27:35In second place with a huge plus 7 is Bill,
0:27:35 > 0:27:40but way out in front with 17 is Sean Lock, ladies and gentlemen.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43APPLAUSE
0:27:46 > 0:27:52Well, my thanks go to Bill, Sean, Jo and Alan. I'll leave you with two interesting remarks on colour.
0:27:52 > 0:27:56The first is from Frank Borman, the Apollo 8 astronaut.
0:27:56 > 0:28:00"My experience helped me to see how isolated and fragile the Earth is.
0:28:00 > 0:28:06"It was also beautiful, the only object in the entire universe that was neither black nor white."
0:28:06 > 0:28:13And US President Gerald Ford - "Ronald Reagan doesn't dye his hair. He's just prematurely orange."
0:28:13 > 0:28:16APPLAUSE
0:28:36 > 0:28:39E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk