0:00:24 > 0:00:26APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:32 > 0:00:36Well, hello, hello, hello, hello,
0:00:36 > 0:00:39and welcome to QI,
0:00:39 > 0:00:43where this week our food for thought is food.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47Surfing on a smorgasbord of succulence ce soir
0:00:47 > 0:00:49is our delicious panel.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51The rarest of truffles, David Mitchell!
0:00:51 > 0:00:53APPLAUSE
0:00:54 > 0:00:57The choicest of cuts, Rich Hall!
0:00:57 > 0:00:59APPLAUSE
0:00:59 > 0:01:02The strangest of fruit, Jimmy Carr!
0:01:02 > 0:01:04APPLAUSE
0:01:05 > 0:01:11And something furry that's fallen down the gap between the oven and the dishwasher, Alan Davies!
0:01:11 > 0:01:13APPLAUSE
0:01:17 > 0:01:20We're sitting comfortably. Let's ring for service. David goes...
0:01:20 > 0:01:22TINKLING BELL
0:01:22 > 0:01:25- Jimmy goes... - REVERBERATING GONG
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Rich goes...
0:01:27 > 0:01:29CHURCH BELL TOLLS
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Alan goes...
0:01:33 > 0:01:34TICKING...
0:01:34 > 0:01:36ALARM BELL...
0:01:36 > 0:01:38EXPLOSION
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Right,
0:01:40 > 0:01:44before we tuck in, I've had a tongue down your... I've put a tongue...
0:01:45 > 0:01:48You will find a tongue.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51I've put a tongue. Is there a tongue under there?
0:01:51 > 0:01:54- Is this what you were referring to? - Yes!
0:01:54 > 0:01:57That is what's known as a tongue map.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01During the course of this evening's festivities,
0:02:01 > 0:02:06I'd like you to fill in the areas of the tongue that are responsible for which flavours.
0:02:06 > 0:02:10There's a certain number of flavours that the tongue can detect.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12So each area is a different area of taste?
0:02:12 > 0:02:15So if you had that bit of your tongue lopped off,
0:02:15 > 0:02:18you wouldn't be able to taste certain stuff?
0:02:18 > 0:02:20That's the theory of a tongue map.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24But there are only five things that a tongue can detect.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26How does the food know where to go?
0:02:31 > 0:02:34While you're thinking about that, let's have a question.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36What kind of animal
0:02:36 > 0:02:38can you eat without killing it?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40- CHURCH BELL - Rich?
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Crabs, unintentionally.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48In the south, in the deep south in the Bayou,
0:02:48 > 0:02:50the Bayou or the Bayou,
0:02:50 > 0:02:53yeah, uh-huh, yeah.
0:02:53 > 0:02:59The freshwater mussels, they pick them out of the water with tiny pink crabs on 'em
0:02:59 > 0:03:01and they're considered a delicacy.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04They're alive when you swallow 'em.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08These are things you can eat fully, but you don't kill the animal.
0:03:08 > 0:03:13Something that comes through like sweetcorn, except it's still running around?
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Is that what you're saying?
0:03:15 > 0:03:19- No!- Comes out unharmed. - I'm not saying it passes through the digestive system, no.
0:03:19 > 0:03:24- But it stays in you and sets up a community.- Is it what they put in Yakult?
0:03:26 > 0:03:32- Yes!- They witter on about that. - Bifidus digestivum. L-casei immunitas.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35David, you know these things. I'm impressed.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37I spend a lot of time watching TV.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Listening to the new made-up science is entertaining!
0:03:40 > 0:03:44I love it when they go, "Do you want to buy a tiny pot of off milk?"
0:03:44 > 0:03:48- "Yes!"- It's such a good deal. "Just try it for nine weeks.
0:03:48 > 0:03:53"If you don't feel better, give up, cos if everyone tries it for nine weeks, we're in the money."
0:03:53 > 0:03:57Do ladies sit around discussing bloating a lot?
0:03:57 > 0:03:59It happens in the adverts.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03If there are ladies watching this, and talking about bloating,
0:04:03 > 0:04:05have they tried farting like a docker?
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Cos it works remarkably well for me!
0:04:09 > 0:04:15- Try to get someone to pull their finger.- Lady bloating is different, I believe.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17- They bloat differently? - I believe so.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21They also talk increasingly on TV about being constipated.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24- That's...- The standard of female conversation is plummeting!
0:04:24 > 0:04:30That's true! What happened to the little ladies who were so refined?
0:04:30 > 0:04:34Anyway, in a sense, you're probably right about bacteria
0:04:34 > 0:04:37which would possibly pass through and not be killed.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41But this is actually a delicacy. I'm inclined to give the point to Rich
0:04:41 > 0:04:45- because he's accidentally right... - As usual!- ..and wrong as well.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49- That's the story of my life! - It's one of the most popular foods,
0:04:49 > 0:04:52- almost the national dish, of Florida.- Tapeworm!
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Not tapeworm, no, it's a type of crab.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01- It's a stone crab.- Right.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04Stone crab tours are very popular. There is a stone crab.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07The fishermen catch the crab, they snap off the claws,
0:05:07 > 0:05:11and throw the crab back in and it takes a year for its claws to grow back.
0:05:11 > 0:05:16It's considered a great delicacy, served with butter and mustard sauce, very popular
0:05:16 > 0:05:19in restaurants in America, but particularly in Florida.
0:05:19 > 0:05:23What does it do for a year, armless, wandering about?
0:05:23 > 0:05:26- I mean... - He keeps himself to himself.
0:05:26 > 0:05:31The crab is dismayed when it loses its claws. "Now I can't get any work done!
0:05:32 > 0:05:34"All that stuff. I'm trying to rearrange the sea-bed
0:05:34 > 0:05:37"and it'll be a year before I can do anything!
0:05:37 > 0:05:39"I'll just have to lay up."
0:05:41 > 0:05:44It's almost like they're fruit-bearing animals.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47That's pretty similar to that. Exactly.
0:05:47 > 0:05:51An apple tree has its apples taken off and next year it grows more apples.
0:05:51 > 0:05:52So maybe they're trees.
0:05:55 > 0:06:00Just seafoody trees that can walk around.
0:06:00 > 0:06:06You could have given me as an answer as well, there are certain tribesmen in the Masai Mara in Kenya
0:06:06 > 0:06:09who will drink the blood of cattle, not kill them,
0:06:09 > 0:06:13but slit the throat, drink the blood and mix it with milk, actually.
0:06:13 > 0:06:18Then they bind up the wound so they don't kill the cow.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22- But that practice is dying out. - So they think cattle have two drinks.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26You can have one or the other or a mixture of the two. Fantastic.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29- These two-drink animals!- Anyway,
0:06:29 > 0:06:34stone crabs it is. They're returned to the sea alive and their claws have been taken off.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38They grow another though it's never as good as the first one.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41Now, what can you usefully teach an oyster?
0:06:41 > 0:06:43TINKLING BELL
0:06:43 > 0:06:47- Yes?- Is it not to get its hopes up?
0:06:47 > 0:06:51- Aw!- Is it to expect lemon juice and death?
0:06:52 > 0:06:54"Don't put up a struggle. It'll never work."
0:06:54 > 0:06:58Teach it, "When you get lemons, make lemonade." Cheer it on.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01"When you get lemons, you're seconds away from death.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04"Cos you're not like that kind of crab."
0:07:04 > 0:07:07When you think about it, there's not much an oyster can do.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11Teach it to blend into parties and make it look like it was invited.
0:07:11 > 0:07:16- True.- Cos if you go to a party and there's a snack tray, no-one ever says,
0:07:16 > 0:07:19"Who invited the oysters?"
0:07:21 > 0:07:23True. No-one says that.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Teach them to do impressions. They do a good one of a whelk.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30- They do.- Teach it rudimentary percussion.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34If you showed it a castanet,
0:07:34 > 0:07:37it would probably think, "I can do that."
0:07:37 > 0:07:40You're very close.
0:07:40 > 0:07:45What it is is that out of the water, oysters will stay fresh so long as they're closed.
0:07:45 > 0:07:49But they live their lives opening and closing their shells
0:07:49 > 0:07:52to let nutrients in which they filter.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56So the thing is to teach them to keep their mouths closed for long periods of time.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58You do that?
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Well, the French did.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04The French simply hit them with metal rods which makes them close.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07They'd do that for longer and longer and they'd learn
0:08:07 > 0:08:09cos they know they'll get hit all the time.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13- The French have a gift for cruelty! - They do, don't they?
0:08:13 > 0:08:17But what happened in New York, when the settlers first arrived in what is now New York,
0:08:17 > 0:08:21there was a profusion of oysters, some a foot long.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24But they couldn't transport them across the States
0:08:24 > 0:08:28because they'd go off cos they had their things open. There was no ice around.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32So they would move them up the bank at each tide
0:08:32 > 0:08:37so they had more and more time in the air and that would teach them
0:08:37 > 0:08:40to have their mouths closed for longer. So they'd learn
0:08:40 > 0:08:43to have their mouths closed for longer and longer
0:08:43 > 0:08:47until they were closed long enough to sell them without making people ill.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50There we are. That's your oyster.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54Now, how did the Mounties use fruit machines to get their man?
0:08:54 > 0:08:58- When you say fruit machines, is this a friend of yours?- I'm sorry?
0:09:01 > 0:09:02Fruit machine!
0:09:02 > 0:09:04That guy's a fruit machine!
0:09:04 > 0:09:10You're right in a sense. The fruit machine was a nickname, it wasn't a one-armed bandit.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13It'll be something to do with actual fruit.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15No, it is actually the meaning of it that Jimmy,
0:09:15 > 0:09:20in his rapacious and, if I may say, politically wildly incorrect way, went for.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24Sorry. Well, the Mountie uniform is quite..."fruity".
0:09:25 > 0:09:30No. It's easy to forget the Mounties are the Canadian police,
0:09:30 > 0:09:32the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36- That's all of them, there.- So they have no unmounted police?- Well...
0:09:36 > 0:09:40- I don't know...- It must be difficult on raids of small flats.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42"Ow! My head!"
0:09:44 > 0:09:48You should see the squad cars! They're a mess, David. A mess.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52Imagine trying to chase a heroin addict up a small staircase on a horse!
0:09:52 > 0:09:57- Ridiculous.- The heroin addicts would know to head for the small staircase!
0:09:57 > 0:10:00JIMMY: Like trying to police a country with Daleks!
0:10:02 > 0:10:07It would never work. With the disabled access, the Daleks can get everywhere.
0:10:07 > 0:10:13Jimmy, are you saying that you think disabled access is a Dalek conspiracy?
0:10:15 > 0:10:19Yes, that is exactly what I'm saying!
0:10:19 > 0:10:22No, we come back to this fruit machine.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24In the Cold War period,
0:10:24 > 0:10:28they were worried in a lot of Western countries
0:10:28 > 0:10:30about civil servants.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34There'd been scandals about civil servants being blackmailed. For what reason?
0:10:34 > 0:10:37- Homosexuality.- For being homosexual, being gay.
0:10:37 > 0:10:44Now, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police were trying to find out the homosexuals in the civil service.
0:10:44 > 0:10:48So that they could not be honey-trapped by Soviet spies.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51That was the theory, anyway.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55So is one of these gay? Never Mind The Buzzcocks. Number three!
0:10:57 > 0:11:01- Was this before the RAF invented "Gaydar"?- Yes!
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Exactly! It was a "Gaydar" machine, if you like,
0:11:04 > 0:11:10a pretty primitive device which, among other things, showed people pictures of nude men and women
0:11:10 > 0:11:14and measured their pupil dilation and their perspiration.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16But the awful thing is, if they "failed",
0:11:16 > 0:11:19they were sacked. That was their job over with.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23They were deemed to be homosexual and they were out of a job.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27The system was thrown out by any civil servants who fancy horses!
0:11:27 > 0:11:31Or even running the test, riding round the room, saying,
0:11:31 > 0:11:35"I can't reach down to the fruit machine. Damn these horses!"
0:11:35 > 0:11:40- This crude measurement device was replaced, though, by something called...- Dancing On Ice!
0:11:44 > 0:11:48"Do you like "Dancing On Ice"? Is this a trick question?
0:11:48 > 0:11:50"Yes, I do." "You're out."
0:11:50 > 0:11:53You answer, "It's to die for!"
0:11:54 > 0:11:57It's a plethysmograph.
0:11:57 > 0:12:02A plethysmograph is an instrument - there's a male version and a female version
0:12:02 > 0:12:05because they want to catch lesbians as well -
0:12:05 > 0:12:10so the male version measures the tumescence of the male member when certain images are played
0:12:10 > 0:12:14and for women it's a sort of dildo that measures lubrication.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17- I wouldn't mind doing that!- What?!
0:12:17 > 0:12:19I just...
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Jimmy, so much is coming out here.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24- Just saying, the testing... - You'd like to do that?
0:12:24 > 0:12:28- Who got the testing job? That sounds brilliant!- Oh, doesn't it?
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Lovely (!)
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Well, I'm just saying.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34It'd be a giggle. When was this?
0:12:34 > 0:12:37- When did they invent that? - Surprisingly recently.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39It was used up until the '80s.
0:12:39 > 0:12:43'80s?! Surely it was legal and above-board in the 1980s?
0:12:43 > 0:12:46- Exactly. It's odd. - It's weird that they'd go, "We'll double-check."
0:12:46 > 0:12:52The odd thing about the fruit machine was the guy who brought it to Canada, Kurt Freund,
0:12:52 > 0:12:57had actually invented it in order to do the precise opposite.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00It was to catch out people who claimed they were gay
0:13:00 > 0:13:04to use it as exemption for serving in the Czech army.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Now, you have a choice of venues for dinner tonight.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Russia or France.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13Describe the difference between Russian and French service.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15BELL TOLLS
0:13:15 > 0:13:20In France they give you lots of vaguely obstetric instruments
0:13:20 > 0:13:25to dismantle things like frogs' legs and snails.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29- Special cutlery.- All the stuff you'd have your back yard fumigated for.
0:13:29 > 0:13:33And in Russia, they just go, "Here's a turnip."
0:13:34 > 0:13:37"If you don't like it, you're going to Siberia."
0:13:37 > 0:13:41- Do you know what the Russian national dish is?- No?- Empty.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45It's not my fault!
0:13:47 > 0:13:50- I think I know the answer to this. - Go on?
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Almost all service now is what you'd call Russian service.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57Which means you have food in courses, one after another.
0:13:57 > 0:14:02And French service, obviously the French have food in courses like everyone,
0:14:02 > 0:14:06like the Russians, but French service was everything coming at once.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10- Like a kind of buffet.- That is an absolutely perfect answer.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13David Mitchell, have a handful of points.
0:14:16 > 0:14:22And of course there's the tapas principle in lots of Middle-Eastern and Mediterranean cooking.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25But the French, right up until the 19th century
0:14:25 > 0:14:29all the courses would come in one big go. You'd help yourself to everything.
0:14:29 > 0:14:34And then the Russian ambassador to Napoleon's court
0:14:34 > 0:14:37came and said, "We've had this brilliant idea in Russia.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40"Let's eat one course and then another."
0:14:40 > 0:14:44This was considered absolutely staggering and revolutionary,
0:14:44 > 0:14:46and it caught on.
0:14:46 > 0:14:51Then the Americans improved on it by making it able for you to drive through in a car!
0:14:51 > 0:14:55And get it in a bag from a 16-year-old...
0:14:55 > 0:14:58- They did indeed.- ..with shingles!
0:15:02 > 0:15:04David, I have to call you my teacher's pet
0:15:04 > 0:15:08and you get a special fanfare instead of a forfeit. Brilliant.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10- FANFARE - Teacher's Pet.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13I don't feel that cool!
0:15:15 > 0:15:18It's not a cool thing to be, but you do get points.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21For some people, that's important.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Escoffier was the man who introduced this into private homes
0:15:24 > 0:15:28- and more importantly, restaurants. What do you know about him? - Ask David!
0:15:31 > 0:15:35- He started frogs' legs.- Right. - I know that cos I heard it on David's radio show.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Oh, you...
0:15:37 > 0:15:40I should at this point say in the QI annual,
0:15:40 > 0:15:43I did a page on Escoffier.
0:15:43 > 0:15:47- So I'm quite well, um... This could be a good bit!- First name?
0:15:47 > 0:15:50- Auguste.- Brilliant.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52- Um, and he...- Died in?
0:15:52 > 0:15:54- I don't know!- A terrible house fire!
0:15:54 > 0:15:5619...
0:15:56 > 0:16:02He died in 1935. He lived a long time. 62 years he was a chef.
0:16:02 > 0:16:07- He founded the Ritz in Paris and the Carlton in London and was the chef at the Savoy.- Brilliant.
0:16:07 > 0:16:13- What's his most famous dish? - He invented Peach Melba for Dame Nellie Melba.
0:16:13 > 0:16:18- Dame Nellie Melba.- Also apparently invented Melba toast for her as well
0:16:18 > 0:16:20cos she was dieting in between Peach Melbas!
0:16:21 > 0:16:24- And who was Nellie Melba? - She was an opera singer.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27- And what was her real name? - Mitchell.- Yes! Very good!
0:16:27 > 0:16:31- I think...- I'm so impressed. - ..her father was David Mitchell.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Get out! Do you know... Do you know...
0:16:34 > 0:16:37APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:16:39 > 0:16:44- I am truly impressed. It's not a set-up.- You are tumescent! I know you are!
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Where's the fruit machine now?
0:16:48 > 0:16:51- Talking about...- Nude facts! Oh!
0:16:54 > 0:16:57Again... Can I make you a double teacher's pet? Yes!
0:16:57 > 0:17:02I'm gonna give you another fanfare because that was extraordinary.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04FANFARE
0:17:09 > 0:17:14I don't want to rain on your parade, but Stephen's pupils are ten times bigger!
0:17:15 > 0:17:20I am, as Alan said, aroused by people who are passionate about interesting facts.
0:17:20 > 0:17:26The fact is, until Escoffier introduced "Service a la Rousse", to Western Europe
0:17:26 > 0:17:30meals were served all at once and eaten in whatever order you fancied.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Let's have a look at your tasting maps.
0:17:32 > 0:17:37What have we got here? We'll start with Jimmy. What have you got?
0:17:37 > 0:17:40You taste failure there and success at the back.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42The bitter taste of resentment.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Bitter at the back?
0:17:44 > 0:17:47What are the tastes? Salt, sweet...
0:17:47 > 0:17:51- Sour, bitter...- Didn't they invent one, which is MSG?- Yes.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54But they didn't discover it until 1911 or something?
0:17:54 > 0:17:58- Umami. It's the brothy, mushroomy... - I love it.- ..slightly savoury.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Sweet, salt...
0:18:00 > 0:18:03- Sour.- MSG. Bitter.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07- Yes.- Is that it?- Five.- What's Gordon Ramsay wittering on about
0:18:07 > 0:18:09- in those shows, if that's it? - On the tongue.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13There's a rainbow of things in the olfactory bulb in the nose.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15That's where all flavours can be detected.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18But the tongue is only for those five.
0:18:18 > 0:18:19What have you got, Rich?
0:18:19 > 0:18:23- Guilt. Remorse... - Can you taste guilt?
0:18:23 > 0:18:24Crabby.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27- David, what have you got? - I've got, um...
0:18:27 > 0:18:29"Be sick."
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Cos it does make you be sick.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34And that's "forgotten names", on the tip of your tongue.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Very good!
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Very good!
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Excellent.
0:18:43 > 0:18:44Alan?
0:18:44 > 0:18:48I've got bitter, sour and sweet and then I ran out of ideas.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51- I had savoury. I didn't think it was right.- Umami is savoury.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Then I had one left so I just put jam in!
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Jam!
0:18:56 > 0:19:00- For all we know, your tongue may... - Are any of these right? - No. The fact is,
0:19:00 > 0:19:04all this, the whole tongue map idea is actually nonsense.
0:19:04 > 0:19:08Thank you. Throw your tongue over your shoulder.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10JIMMY: If I could do that...
0:19:10 > 0:19:13You wouldn't be working here, for a start!
0:19:13 > 0:19:17I'd be a happy man! She wouldn't let me leave the house!
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Because you could lick your shoulder blade?
0:19:21 > 0:19:24- Well, the inference being... - I suppose, yes.
0:19:24 > 0:19:29We detect those five primary flavours all over the tongue
0:19:29 > 0:19:33and not in that... That used to be held to be the tongue map.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Amazingly, it's still in a lot of text books.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38But it is absolutely not true.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40And so we come to the highlight of our feast,
0:19:40 > 0:19:42the piece de generale ignorance.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Elbows off the tables and fingers on the buzzers.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48- Name a poisonous snake. - GONG
0:19:48 > 0:19:50- Yes?- Piers Morgan.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52- KLAXON - Jimmy, Jimmy!
0:19:58 > 0:20:02Poison is not the same as venom. It can't be.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05Because there are load of poisonous snakes.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08You sounded so like Jonathan Creek just then!
0:20:09 > 0:20:12You suddenly hit it with the pen. It was so right.
0:20:12 > 0:20:16You went, "Got it! I've got the answer! In a locked room..."
0:20:16 > 0:20:19- There's lots of them. - Well, we haven't name one yet.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22I'm not going to. They're all gonna be up there.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24- I refuse!- You're so right.
0:20:24 > 0:20:29- We were hoping you'd say cobra and...- He said it!- ..rattlesnake...
0:20:31 > 0:20:35And all those things. But "poisonous" does not apply to them.
0:20:35 > 0:20:39It means if you eat it, it makes you very ill or kills you.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42- Venom goes...- Venom is injected into your blood.
0:20:42 > 0:20:47Those are all venomous snakes. There are only two poisonous snakes,
0:20:47 > 0:20:51ones that if you ate would kill you, like a poison fruit or berry.
0:20:51 > 0:20:55And they are, there's the Japanese grass snake,
0:20:55 > 0:21:00Rhabdophis tigrinus, becomes poisonous by eating toxic toads.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04It stores them in glands in its neck. If you eat that, you'll die.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07- Or there's the Thamnophis sirtalis...- Of course!
0:21:07 > 0:21:10- ..which is the common garter snake. - Stephen...
0:21:10 > 0:21:13- Yeah?- What are you talking about?
0:21:13 > 0:21:15LAUGHTER
0:21:15 > 0:21:19It eats a poisonous newt, an orange-bellied rough-skinned newt.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Now, what shouldn't you eat before bedtime?
0:21:22 > 0:21:27And again, once again, it's a trap!
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Us?!
0:21:30 > 0:21:32- TINKLING BELL - Cheese!
0:21:32 > 0:21:33KLAXON
0:21:35 > 0:21:38- Gives you bad dreams. - Supposedly. But apparently,
0:21:38 > 0:21:40according to a study, it's been debunked.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43In 2005. Apparently it gives you good dreams.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47But the study was instituted by the British Cheese Board!
0:21:47 > 0:21:51- They may have an axe to grind! - Are you suggesting corruption? - Cheese Board?!
0:21:51 > 0:21:54I think they're aware of the joke.
0:21:54 > 0:21:59They say there's an amino acid in cheese as there is in milk and all dairy products called Tryptophan
0:21:59 > 0:22:03which gives you peace and joy and tranquillity and helps you sleep.
0:22:03 > 0:22:08- No, that's Temazepam!- Temazepam! But Tryptophan is a natural one.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11The British Cheese Board says, "Let them eat cheese."
0:22:11 > 0:22:13But who said, "Let them eat cake"?
0:22:13 > 0:22:16That French woman - Dawn French.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Very good.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22- She said, "Let them eat brioche"! - Who did?
0:22:22 > 0:22:24I'm not saying it!
0:22:24 > 0:22:27But I'm asking you. I need to know!
0:22:27 > 0:22:30Ooh! Was it Mr Kipling? KLAXON
0:22:35 > 0:22:36Oh, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy!
0:22:38 > 0:22:42- Marie...Osmond.- Marie Osmond? - Kirsten Dunst.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45- No.- Kirsten Dunst in that shocking film,
0:22:45 > 0:22:48the worst film ever made since Revolution with Al Pacino.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52- Did it involve cakes?- Four people. - A Marie Antoinette film.
0:22:52 > 0:22:57- Yes. So did you say what? Who said it?- What you said.- Marie Antoinette.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02Why do you keep saying Marie Antoinette? KLAXON
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Because I wanted that to happen!
0:23:05 > 0:23:08Marie Antoinette didn't say it, or if she did, she was quoting it.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11She was born in 1755, as every schoolboy knows.
0:23:11 > 0:23:15The phrase was seen in print in 1760
0:23:15 > 0:23:19and Jean-Jacques Rousseau claims to have seen it in 1740.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23So this whole idea that it was Marie Antoinette is not true.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26You want to hear the whole conversation.
0:23:26 > 0:23:32"They've no bread." "Let them eat cake." "They haven't got cake, either." "Oh. This is a problem."
0:23:32 > 0:23:36- Yes!- "I'll talk to the ministers about it and see what we can do."
0:23:36 > 0:23:38- They're probably... - That may well be it.
0:23:38 > 0:23:43The accusation that one grand lady or another committed this gaffe
0:23:43 > 0:23:47was in circulation at least 15 years before Marie Antoinette was born.
0:23:47 > 0:23:51Now, what makes up more than 70% of the internet?
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Ooh!
0:23:53 > 0:23:56It's my personal collection, isn't it?
0:23:56 > 0:23:59- Of what?- Of gentlemen's special interest literature.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04- KLAXON I didn't say that! - I think we know
0:24:04 > 0:24:08- what you're talking about! - If you're gonna be like that...
0:24:08 > 0:24:13It's quite surprising. They did a survey on behalf of the American Civil Liberties Union
0:24:13 > 0:24:17who were annoyed about some legislation Bush wanted to pass,
0:24:17 > 0:24:20which they thought prohibitive of personal liberty
0:24:20 > 0:24:24and they discovered that less than 1% of the internet is pornography.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27Less than 1%. Of all email traffic,
0:24:27 > 0:24:3285, in fact up to 89% is spam. Simple as that.
0:24:32 > 0:24:37- Trying to sell you Zanex and penis enlargement.- Yes. Soft Cialis, whatever that is.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40I get loads of 'em. Most are from my girlfriend.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43It's the ones from my mum that really hurt.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50A recent study has established that the World Wide Web is less than 1% pornography
0:24:50 > 0:24:53and 89% of all emails are spam,
0:24:53 > 0:24:58good news if you're looking for pills or want to increase your extremities.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01That brings us to the coffee and liqueurs, as it were.
0:25:01 > 0:25:06The end of our little dinner. L'addition, s'il vous plait, garcon.
0:25:06 > 0:25:11Let's look at the scores. It's pretty unsurprising to those who've been paying attention
0:25:11 > 0:25:16that our runaway winner with a full ten points is David Mitchell.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Hoorah!
0:25:21 > 0:25:27Well done to David with ten and it's medium with minus two to Rich Hall.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Minus two?
0:25:33 > 0:25:37And it's a very rare third place for Alan Davies with minus 12!
0:25:41 > 0:25:47Looking decidedly blue, it's Jimmy Carr with minus 46!
0:25:56 > 0:26:01So it only remains for me to thank my fellow diners, Rich, Jimmy, David and Alan
0:26:01 > 0:26:05and to leave you with the reproving words of our Dame Nellie Melba
0:26:05 > 0:26:08on being presented with a gelatine-based pudding
0:26:08 > 0:26:10which had not been allowed to set properly.
0:26:10 > 0:26:15"There are two things I like stiff", she said, "and one of them's jelly." Goodnight!
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Subtitles by Moira Diamond Red Bee Media - 2009