0:00:23 > 0:00:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:32 > 0:00:39Go-o-o-o-o-d evening!
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Good evening, good evening,
0:00:41 > 0:00:45and welcome to QI, where tonight's show will be great,
0:00:45 > 0:00:48because our theme is greatness itself.
0:00:48 > 0:00:52Let's meet four giants of the game show genre. Great Scott,
0:00:52 > 0:00:54it's David Mitchell!
0:00:54 > 0:00:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Great balls of fire - Sean Lock!
0:00:59 > 0:01:00CHEERING
0:01:00 > 0:01:03Thank you.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05The Great Panjandrum Jo Brand!
0:01:05 > 0:01:06CHEERING
0:01:06 > 0:01:09What's a panjandrum?
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Oh, great, it's Alan Davies.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14CHEERING
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Sean goes...
0:01:18 > 0:01:22# Goodness, gracious Great balls of fire! #
0:01:22 > 0:01:28- Jo goes... - # Oh, yes I'm the great pretender. #
0:01:28 > 0:01:30David goes...
0:01:30 > 0:01:34MUSIC: Theme tune to The Great Escape
0:01:36 > 0:01:40I just want to hear that for the rest of the evening, actually. Alan goes...
0:01:40 > 0:01:42PHONE RINGING
0:01:46 > 0:01:48'Thank you for calling Great Eastern Railways...'
0:01:48 > 0:01:50LAUGHTER DROWNS MESSAGE
0:01:50 > 0:01:51Very good.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Excellent.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57Why are so many great men short?
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Are they, really?
0:01:59 > 0:02:03David, David, you've hit the nail on the head.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Rem acu tetigisti, as they would say in Latin.
0:02:06 > 0:02:10- I'm sure they would.- Yeah. - It means "nice one, son".
0:02:12 > 0:02:15- That's absolutely right. In fact, Napoleon... - Napoleon was short, wasn't he?
0:02:15 > 0:02:18No, he was above average height.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22- Everyone was short in those days. - He was 5'6", which was taller then than it is now.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26- He was 5'7".- Oh, right.- Yeah. Average height was about 5'6"-ish.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29So it's just the British who decided he was short, put him down a bit.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Yes! It was a particular cartoonist called Gillray.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36When we were at war with Napoleon, there was a famous one of George III
0:02:36 > 0:02:39with a little Napoleon, based on Gulliver's Travels, like that.
0:02:39 > 0:02:40He's actually saying,
0:02:40 > 0:02:45"I cannot but conclude you to be one of the most pernicious little odious reptiles
0:02:45 > 0:02:49"that nature ever suffered to crawl upon the surface of the Earth."
0:02:49 > 0:02:52- There.- Right.- It's snappy.
0:02:52 > 0:02:53It's a snappy one.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56He was three inches taller than Nelson, for example.
0:02:56 > 0:03:02- Nelson was three inches shorter than Napoleon. It's certainly true that...- Nelson was 5'4"?
0:03:02 > 0:03:05- Yeah.- Like Danny DeVito?
0:03:06 > 0:03:10- He was very... Yeah, a short chap. - No wonder they put him on such a big column.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Yes, he's tall in Trafalgar Square.
0:03:13 > 0:03:18Is that short-man syndrome a kind of retrospective thing
0:03:18 > 0:03:23that we've kind of invented more recently and then just gone back and said, "They're all short"?
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Yeah. Some of them were short, though, there's no question.
0:03:26 > 0:03:32Stalin was surprisingly short. He was only 5'5". Mussolini was 5'6". Franco was 5'4".
0:03:32 > 0:03:35- 5'4"?- Yeah.- They are all short, Stephen.- Well, no.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39Idi Amin was 6'4".
0:03:39 > 0:03:43- Yeah, big fella.- That's my height. Fidel Castro is 6'1".
0:03:43 > 0:03:48Mao was 5'9", which is rather tall for a Chinese person.
0:03:48 > 0:03:53- Mostly, they're not judged on their height, are they? - No. They're not.
0:03:53 > 0:03:57- They're not. But all... - We'll let that go.
0:03:57 > 0:04:04All I'm saying... There seems to be, historically, no evidence that short people are more power-hungry,
0:04:04 > 0:04:07more tyrannical, than people of average or tall stature.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09You know how it came about, though.
0:04:09 > 0:04:14It's probably the one thing that short people have got to cling on to.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17One day, they might be a dictator.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21- Well...- And we've just taken that away from them. That little hope.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25All this not being able to reach things from shelves,
0:04:25 > 0:04:29one day, will be made up for when I kill millions of people.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31I can stand on their bodies...
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Reach the jam.
0:04:33 > 0:04:39Everybody knows somebody short who's been particularly angry and abused his position of authority,
0:04:39 > 0:04:43- and then you decide he's a bit like Hitler.- That's it. You notice when a short man has a tantrum...- Yeah.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46..and say, "Oh, short man, Napoleon complex."
0:04:46 > 0:04:49- If a tall man has a tantrum, you just leg it.- Exactly.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53I have to say, I'm rather shocked by this. Heightism does exist.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57Short people are paid less, on average, than tall people.
0:04:57 > 0:05:01The disparity is comparable in magnitude to race and gender.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05- A survey of Fortune 500 companies... - They should rise up!- Yeah!- Hey!
0:05:08 > 0:05:14The chief executive officers of Fortune 500 companies - 90% are above average height.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Which is astounding, really.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20And 30% of those are over 6'2". They're the tallest 4%...
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Every now and again, a little short fella breaks through.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25- Oh, stop!- Gets away.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Yippee!
0:05:28 > 0:05:30I made it!
0:05:30 > 0:05:33It is rather shocking that there is this disparity.
0:05:33 > 0:05:38Of course, we always notice the powerful, short, rich man with the young, tall wife.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Billionaire, Bernie Ecclestone.
0:05:40 > 0:05:44I've seen her with him. She's actually much taller than that above him.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46She's bending her knee there.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48He has to jump up to slap her on the bum.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52He can run through her legs.
0:05:53 > 0:05:54Who's the couple on the left?
0:05:54 > 0:05:58- That's Carla Bruni and... - Sarkozy.- ..Nicolas Sarkozy.
0:05:58 > 0:06:04- Sarkozy.- But at least the women have both got handbags their husbands can fit in, which I think is quite nice.
0:06:05 > 0:06:12There's no evidence that dictators are shorter. The Napoleon complex is a myth, it seems.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Some great men, on the contrary, are actually tall.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18For example, Charlemagne, the immensely charismatic,
0:06:18 > 0:06:24civilised, attractive 8th-century King of the Franks, Holy Roman Emperor, founder of modern Europe.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Our researchers have discovered that, in fact...
0:06:27 > 0:06:31We've been digging into your family trees in that sort of Who Do You Think You Are? way.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34And we've come up with some rather exciting news.
0:06:34 > 0:06:39See if you can guess which of you is descended from Charlemagne.
0:06:39 > 0:06:43Well, civilised and attractive, it ain't me, is it?
0:06:45 > 0:06:46I think Alan.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49- Alan?- Is it all of us?
0:06:49 > 0:06:55Yes. All of us, including me and everyone in the audience and at home, if they're European.
0:06:55 > 0:06:56He was a love machine.
0:07:00 > 0:07:05It's just mathematically certain. The fact is, obviously, everyone has two parents
0:07:05 > 0:07:08and four grandparents, eight great-grandparents.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10It's that grain of rice on the chess board thing.
0:07:10 > 0:07:158, 16... By the time you get back to the generations just in the 13th century,
0:07:15 > 0:07:19you have more direct ancestors than there have ever been human beings.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23It's about 80 billion, the number, by the time you get back that far.
0:07:23 > 0:07:28- My brain... I...- All you have to do...- You have more ancestors than there are people that's ever been?
0:07:28 > 0:07:30That's it.
0:07:36 > 0:07:41- The point is you can't, you have shared ancestors.- Oh, I see.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43The point is, they have to be shared.
0:07:43 > 0:07:49- Are your brothers here tonight? - Sorry?- Are your brothers here tonight?- I've only got one brother.
0:07:49 > 0:07:56- Oh, right.- And he's not.- Oh, I was going to say, Phil and Grant, I thought they might be related to you.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00Wouldn't that be great, if they were your brothers? Wouldn't you love it?
0:08:00 > 0:08:03There'd be a problem with that, cos they don't exist.
0:08:03 > 0:08:08I think that would be weird, to find out you were related to someone fictional.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12You'd start to doubt your own existence.
0:08:12 > 0:08:16- Apparently, we all are.- Charlemagne's not fictional, he's just historical.
0:08:16 > 0:08:22No, no. All our ancestors... All our 80 billion ancestors... Not all of them, obviously.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26But of 80 billion ancestors, one of them's got to be Winnie The Pooh.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31That's very odd.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35There was a man called Mark Humphreys who was, in 1995, at Dublin University.
0:08:35 > 0:08:40He discovered that his wife was King Edward III's great-granddaughter 20 generations down the line.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44And he looked further into it and realised that so was Hermann Goering
0:08:44 > 0:08:48and Daniel Boone, the American explorer, pioneer.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52And then he worked out the mathematics of it, and he's the one who's given us that.
0:08:52 > 0:08:57I'm just thinking about Charlemagne. That would be a really good name for an aftershave.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Ooh, Charlemagne.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03- Let's smell medieval. - I'm everybody's...
0:09:04 > 0:09:06I'm everybody's daddy.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13APPLAUSE
0:09:14 > 0:09:17We're all related to Charlemagne, it seems.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Computer models have shown that anyone living in the 8th century
0:09:20 > 0:09:24who had plenty of children and grandchildren is likely to be related to everyone in Europe today.
0:09:24 > 0:09:28So tell me - what good did the Great Fire of London do?
0:09:28 > 0:09:30# Pretender... #
0:09:30 > 0:09:35- I'm risking it here, but I don't care. Wiped out the plague.- Oh, dear!
0:09:35 > 0:09:37KLAXON SOUNDS
0:09:39 > 0:09:45It was taught in schools, so you've every reason to think it, but it's just not true. There's no evidence.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Apart from anything else, the plague was already over.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51- But it wiped out the conditions in which it could have come back. - Not really,
0:09:51 > 0:09:54because the plague was mostly in the suburbs, not in the city.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57The city was not the place that was most affected by the plague,
0:09:57 > 0:10:00but it was the place that was destroyed by the fire.
0:10:00 > 0:10:05By the time September 1666 happened - the fire - there were very few deaths.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09It had almost ended. No-one quite knows why it ended, but it wasn't the fire.
0:10:09 > 0:10:15Did it make it easier for them to knock down a load of places that they had their eye on?
0:10:15 > 0:10:20Essentially. It gave the chance for Christopher Wren to get some church-building done.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24- Especially St Paul's, of course. - They had lots of grandiose plans
0:10:24 > 0:10:29about turning London into a grid or a spiral and then they thought about it for ages and went,
0:10:29 > 0:10:33- "Put it back as it was." - Yes.- "All squiggly lines and weird corners, please."
0:10:33 > 0:10:37- Which it is. - But I think Christopher Wren was a bit depressed about it.
0:10:37 > 0:10:43Yeah. The best thing about the Great Fire of London was that it got Wren an opportunity to build St Paul's.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47Now, just how great were the Great Train Robbers?
0:10:47 > 0:10:51They're not THAT great, cos they got caught and locked up.
0:10:51 > 0:10:57They got caught almost immediately. And they got caught in very stupid ways. Do you know how?
0:10:57 > 0:11:01They went to this farm and played Monopoly using the stolen money.
0:11:01 > 0:11:07And then they cleared out and left their fingerprints over everything. Over all the Monopoly set.
0:11:07 > 0:11:12And they all had form. You know, they were all known blaggers.
0:11:12 > 0:11:17So they were rounded up, all 12 of the gang of 15 - one was acquitted, two were never caught.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20They were pretty inept, is the answer, basically.
0:11:20 > 0:11:25- Who's the most famous of the Great Train Robbers?- Ronnie Biggs. - You all say Ronnie Biggs.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29- What was his role? Was he the mastermind? Is that why he's the best-known?- No.
0:11:29 > 0:11:33- No, he was SUCH a small peg in the whole thing.- Was he the driver?
0:11:33 > 0:11:39No, he wasn't even that. He was inside, doing a stretch for taking and driving away,
0:11:39 > 0:11:46and the mastermind of the entire event met him and said, "I'm planning this blag..."
0:11:46 > 0:11:49"I'm planning a game of Monopoly."
0:11:49 > 0:11:54"Just got to pick something up on the way. I've lost all the fake money.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58"And the only way of replacing it I can think of..."
0:11:58 > 0:12:01"I rung Waddingtons, they didn't want to know."
0:12:01 > 0:12:05"'Get a new set,' they said. 'Don't be ridiculous,' I said."
0:12:09 > 0:12:12Anyway, the mastermind Bruce Reynolds said,
0:12:12 > 0:12:17"If you can find me someone who can drive a diesel train,
0:12:17 > 0:12:21"I will cut you in on a big job that's going down."
0:12:21 > 0:12:26You can find... I mean, that's like... That's not like someone who can melt diamonds with their eyes.
0:12:26 > 0:12:32Someone who can drive a diesel... Apparently they exist. Someone. There must be someone.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36The amazing thing, David Mitchell, is...
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Biggs found this guy, whose nickname was Old Pete, or Stan Agate -
0:12:39 > 0:12:43- no-one knows who he was, cos he was never caught.- That'll be Old Pete the train driver.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47- So his job...- After Casey Jones had turned him down.
0:12:47 > 0:12:54For this, for being found, Ronnie Biggs got a share worth 147,000
0:12:54 > 0:12:56which in today's money is 1.6 million.
0:12:56 > 0:13:01And all he had to do, Ronnie Biggs, was get this guy, Old Pete, to the scene.
0:13:01 > 0:13:06But Old Pete got to the train and said, "Oh, I don't know to drive that."
0:13:06 > 0:13:10Biggs still got his share, but Old Pete was useless.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13He couldn't drive the train, he'd been lying all the time.
0:13:13 > 0:13:18I like the way that Old Pete's like those actors who put on their CV, "Yes, I can horse ride.
0:13:18 > 0:13:24"Oh, yes, I can drive a train. I speak Mandarin, too.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26"A train? Through China? No problem!"
0:13:26 > 0:13:31And that's how he found him, he went through his Spotlight.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Apparently, he was very well reviewed in Much Ado About Nothing.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39He's trained in modern dance. That could come in handy.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43The Great Train Robbers weren't particularly great.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Most of them were caught because they left fingerprints on the Monopoly set at the safe house.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49From criminal bungling to a great scientific mystery.
0:13:49 > 0:13:56Why did it take 300 years to give the giant tortoise a scientific name?
0:13:56 > 0:14:02- A scientific name?- Yeah, ie the Latin name. It turned out to be called Geochelone...you know.
0:14:02 > 0:14:07- Is it because they just thought that was pretty good? Giant tortoise? - We'll leave it at that.- Yeah.
0:14:07 > 0:14:12- So...- Yeah?- No, I... I was going to say something about... Now it's unusable.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15- I'm going to have to say it now.- Go on!
0:14:15 > 0:14:18They thought that...
0:14:20 > 0:14:25- This better be good.- They thought it was a normal tortoise, but closer, is what I was going to say.
0:14:27 > 0:14:31I couldn't get that concept. Would it actually be further away?
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Then a normal one further away would be an absolutely minute one.
0:14:34 > 0:14:40Would they mistake a quite-far-away, normal one for a miniaturised one, that's a bit...?
0:14:40 > 0:14:42What you're saying is...
0:14:42 > 0:14:47- It's just a thought. Just a certain way.- They go...
0:14:47 > 0:14:48You know what? I'll go that way.
0:14:48 > 0:14:54If there was a tortoise over there, that was giant, and I, for some reason, thought it was just there,
0:14:54 > 0:14:59then I wouldn't think it was giant. I'd think it was just... Oh, there's one there, just a normal tortoise.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Oh, my God! It's over there and it's massive!
0:15:01 > 0:15:06- You have them on a huge beach with no other points of reference. - Exactly.
0:15:06 > 0:15:11- Are they...- That's not the reason. - Are they particularly litigious?
0:15:11 > 0:15:16- "If you give me a name, I'll sue you."- It wasn't that. It's a nice thought.
0:15:16 > 0:15:21No, they had another property, which was most unfortunate for them.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24- What, the tortoises did?- Yeah. - They were edible.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26They were SO edible.
0:15:26 > 0:15:33Anyone who saw one, couldn't stop to think of a name for it, they just had to eat it straightaway.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36One of those... I don't know what they're called.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Just get one. They're really good.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41We just call them "dinner".
0:15:41 > 0:15:44There's no Latin name for the pistachio nut, either.
0:15:44 > 0:15:49No-one can be bothered. "Shut up with your Latin. Eat them, they're brilliant."
0:15:49 > 0:15:54No Latin name for Maltesers.
0:15:58 > 0:16:02It's true. None of them made it to London. None of them made it to Europe.
0:16:02 > 0:16:08Now, this time... This time we're going to take it...
0:16:08 > 0:16:12Leave it. No. We're taking it back.
0:16:12 > 0:16:16Ferry coming into Dover, there's a bloke going...
0:16:16 > 0:16:20Leaving the door where the tortoise is kept.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26No, I haven't been...
0:16:26 > 0:16:29We'll eat eight. Now absolutely...
0:16:29 > 0:16:32Then everyone's looking at it, going, "Come on..."
0:16:32 > 0:16:34The sea's becalmed.
0:16:34 > 0:16:39Days on end, the sea's becalmed. There's one tortoise left.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42"Let's just go back and get some more."
0:16:44 > 0:16:47After they've eaten that last tortoise,
0:16:47 > 0:16:51they're sitting there going, "Oh, we are twats."
0:16:52 > 0:16:55"I'm too full."
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Even Darwin...
0:16:58 > 0:17:01There were dozens of them...
0:17:01 > 0:17:04He collected every species in the world, but he ate that one.
0:17:04 > 0:17:08- They did.- Done the butterflies, done the beetles, I'm eating that.
0:17:08 > 0:17:13The only descriptions of them are comparing them to chicken, beef, mutton and butter
0:17:13 > 0:17:17and saying how much better they are than all of those things.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20No-one who'd ever eaten tortoise had ever eaten anything better.
0:17:20 > 0:17:25The liver, the bone marrow, every part of it was unbelievably delicious.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28- Whereabouts were they from? - From the tropics, mostly.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Are there flights over there?
0:17:32 > 0:17:36They are now protected! All 12 species.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39If they're that delicious, they can't be. They've just said,
0:17:39 > 0:17:42"Yeah, we've protected them. They're all in there, no need to look."
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Burp!
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Oops!
0:17:47 > 0:17:49"They're fine."
0:17:49 > 0:17:52There's a border round them like North Korea.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54There's a big pile of shells,
0:17:54 > 0:17:57like those piles of tyres you see in a scrap yard.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01Some survived, however. Let me tell you about a very extraordinary one.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04That bloke there is just befriending that one.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07"Come over here, mate.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10"I'm trying to think of a name..."
0:18:12 > 0:18:16But they are amazing animals, apart from how delicious they are.
0:18:16 > 0:18:22Adwaita died in 2006 and he was Clive of India's pet. There he is.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24200 years old or something.
0:18:24 > 0:18:28255. He was born before Mozart, before the French Revolution.
0:18:28 > 0:18:32His death was announced on CNN. That's a heck of a life, isn't it?
0:18:32 > 0:18:34- You can list his achievements on the back of a stamp.- Well!
0:18:34 > 0:18:39Why would he need to achieve... He lived 255 years.
0:18:39 > 0:18:44People think probably the oldest living creature, because they don't live so long out of captivity,
0:18:44 > 0:18:47like most animals, and he was well cared for. But that's astonishing.
0:18:47 > 0:18:52So it lived to 255 years and is massive.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55I mean, I've achieved 50% of that.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57I don't see why that's so great.
0:18:57 > 0:19:01- There are 12 species, all of them endangered.- Do they all taste nice?
0:19:01 > 0:19:06Well, I don't know. But it's very sad that so many other species
0:19:06 > 0:19:10were wiped out, because they were so lovely.
0:19:10 > 0:19:14They were also used as water stores. They have a special internal bladder
0:19:14 > 0:19:18that stores water so perfectly that it's drinkable.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22When you slit them open to cook them, you also get a gallon of fresh water.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Wow.
0:19:24 > 0:19:28So they would stack them up on boats - tons of them. They couldn't move.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31They didn't need to be fed for months, so they contributed a lot
0:19:31 > 0:19:38to whaling, because they were used as a foodstuff and a water supply.
0:19:38 > 0:19:43And I imagine if you smash the shell open, there's a little toy in there, like a Kinder egg.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50A little game, you've got to get the balls in the holes.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53How do they exist in the wild, anyway,
0:19:53 > 0:19:58if they're so delicious and slow-moving and massively useful?
0:19:58 > 0:20:01They didn't have any natural predators until man discovered them.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03They were evolutionarily complacent.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Exactly, like a lot of island species.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09And it's only man who crosses islands in the way we do.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13Those ridiculous flightless birds on New Zealand.
0:20:13 > 0:20:18Essentially, they got lazy. "What's the point of flying?"
0:20:18 > 0:20:23Some of them go, "We'll need it one day." "No, you're too anal, you are."
0:20:23 > 0:20:27- They waddle up and jump in the wok. - "Just walk around, it's easier."
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Despite being discovered in 1535, giant tortoises
0:20:30 > 0:20:33weren't properly catalogued until the early 19th century
0:20:33 > 0:20:36because they were so delicious that no samples ever made it back home.
0:20:36 > 0:20:41Time for the great test of general ignorance. Fingers on buzzers.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43How did Catherine the Great die?
0:20:44 > 0:20:47That's quite famous. Unfortunately, I don't know.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Horse. She didn't have sex with a horse.
0:20:50 > 0:20:55- Correct.- She...- ..Died on a commode.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58KLAXON SOUNDS Oh, no...
0:21:01 > 0:21:02Oh, dear.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04On the loo?
0:21:04 > 0:21:05You're on fine form.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11There are those... Elvis Presley was said to have died that way.
0:21:11 > 0:21:12George II died at stool.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16- At stool?- At stool is how they described it, rather splendidly.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Straining away.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22Catherine did have a stroke on the loo, the commode,
0:21:22 > 0:21:24but she died in bed.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Is that a euphemism?
0:21:26 > 0:21:29Oh, dear!
0:21:29 > 0:21:34"I'm having a stroke on the commode!" "We'll leave you there, love, for a minute."
0:21:34 > 0:21:39- She did have sex with horses, though.- No, she didn't. No.
0:21:39 > 0:21:43That horse's head is too small.
0:21:43 > 0:21:48They did paint them like that. It was a very odd 18th-century thing, painting horses with small heads.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51- She never had sex with one horse?- No.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53- Donkey?- Nor a donkey.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57- She did with lots of courtiers. - Not quite the same, though, is it?
0:21:57 > 0:21:58No, it's not, no.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02Her son, Paul, who hated her - he became Paul I, the Tsar -
0:22:02 > 0:22:07he spread the rumour, as did the French.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09"My mum, right...
0:22:09 > 0:22:13"Right, what's she's done, right, my mum. You won't believe it.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16"She's had sex with a horse."
0:22:16 > 0:22:20"That's why I'm so good at showjumping."
0:22:20 > 0:22:25Anyway, despite all the salacious gossip, Catherine died in bed,
0:22:25 > 0:22:28where she was being cared for, following a stroke.
0:22:28 > 0:22:33In cold weather, where does most of your heat escape from?
0:22:33 > 0:22:36- Er...- Er...
0:22:36 > 0:22:38- Your head.- What?- Your head.
0:22:38 > 0:22:42- Oh, really? - KLAXON SOUNDS
0:22:42 > 0:22:46It's supposed to be 75%, that's what I've been told.
0:22:46 > 0:22:51Is it not just that your head is more naked than the rest of you?
0:22:51 > 0:22:56Yes, but you only lose 10% of your heat. If your arm was exposed, more would escape from your arm.
0:22:56 > 0:23:00If people went around with bare buttocks a lot, in the cold, people would say,
0:23:00 > 0:23:04"You really should put on a buttock hat, because you lose most heat through your buttocks."
0:23:04 > 0:23:07"Ridiculous, no need in these days to cover your buttocks all the time."
0:23:07 > 0:23:11Everyone used to wear hats. Now they go around bareheaded a lot.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14It sounds wrong, but I'm glad my grandmother's dead.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18Because that would blow her mind.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21- I'm not glad she's dead.- No.
0:23:21 > 0:23:26But she died a long time ago, so it doesn't affect her at all.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29- You're glad she isn't here to hear it.- Yes.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31At the same time, it's a shame she never saw me on a plane
0:23:31 > 0:23:35sitting next to Lionel Blair. That would have been a lovely moment.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38Has that happened to you?
0:23:38 > 0:23:41She died before I was able to tell her that. She would have seen that
0:23:41 > 0:23:43as the absolute pinnacle of human achievement.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46- So it is.- Yes, it was very nice.
0:23:46 > 0:23:50There's nothing special about your head and heat loss. On a cold day,
0:23:50 > 0:23:54you would lose more heat through an exposed leg or arm than a bare head.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57What was the lingua franca of Ancient Rome?
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Er, Dutch.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04I knew that's not going to come up.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07- Very good, yeah.- That's the way you've got to think, Jo.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09You've got to think - what they wouldn't put up.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Cheers(!)
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Latin.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15KLAXON SOUNDS
0:24:17 > 0:24:19I did that deliberately.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23- Yeah, I know! - She's going for the record.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27- Serbo-Croat. Romansch.- It's like shooting the moon, when you play Hearts, or one of those games.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31- Such a brilliant game.- Isn't it? - What does lingua franca mean?
0:24:31 > 0:24:36A language commonly used - everybody's second language.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38- Is it Greek?- Yes!
0:24:38 > 0:24:43It is Greek. Greek is the language people would use in Rome
0:24:43 > 0:24:45if they weren't Latin speakers.
0:24:45 > 0:24:50Finally, how many men have been President of the United States?
0:24:51 > 0:24:5346 or something?
0:24:53 > 0:24:58- Well, should we ask the great man himself? Shall we ask the current President?- Is he here?
0:24:58 > 0:24:59Is he here tonight?
0:24:59 > 0:25:02- Ladies and gentlemen... - What a waste of a guest!
0:25:05 > 0:25:09I'd have given up my seat and sat in the audience for this one.
0:25:09 > 0:25:14Here he is. The President, but which number, of the United States?
0:25:14 > 0:25:18I thank President Bush for his service to our nation.
0:25:22 > 0:25:28As well as the generosity and co-operation he has shown throughout this transition.
0:25:30 > 0:25:3544 Americans have now taken the Presidential oath.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41He's wrong! He made a mistake.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44He's only been on once and he's wrong already.
0:25:44 > 0:25:48He is currently known as the 44th, just as Bush was known as the 43rd,
0:25:48 > 0:25:55but they aren't. Bush was the 42nd, and he's the 43rd. Do you know why?
0:25:55 > 0:25:57One of them was invisible?
0:25:57 > 0:26:02Is there someone who was President for a bit and then stopped, then came back?
0:26:02 > 0:26:06There was one non-consecutive President, who was the 22nd and the 24th.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Why did they count him as two?
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Yet they count Clinton as one.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Because his terms were consecutive.
0:26:13 > 0:26:17This one was the 22nd, then Benjamin Harrison was President,
0:26:17 > 0:26:20then he was 24th. This was Grover Cleveland.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23I think if I was setting that system up,
0:26:23 > 0:26:26- I'd have gone for the number of different men.- Yes.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29- You get a new number if you're a different man.- Exactly.
0:26:29 > 0:26:34- Not if there was a gap.- But there's only been one gap, and for some reason, they didn't do that.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36When he took his second oath,
0:26:36 > 0:26:40he was called the 24th President, although he'd been the 22nd.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43- He was actually Stalin. - He does look a bit like him.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47So not only did he rule Russia, kill millions of people,
0:26:47 > 0:26:50he was two Presidents of the United States.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53- It's a weird system.- That's a CV.
0:26:53 > 0:26:58- Now we know what he was doing in between presidencies.- Exactly.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02Barack Obama is the 43rd person to become President, because Cleveland
0:27:02 > 0:27:07held the position twice, making him the 22nd and 24th President.
0:27:07 > 0:27:12It's a great shame, but that is the end of the show and time to look at the scores.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14My word, my word, my word!
0:27:14 > 0:27:16My word!
0:27:16 > 0:27:19In first place with four points,
0:27:19 > 0:27:21it's David Mitchell!
0:27:21 > 0:27:24APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:27:27 > 0:27:31In second place with plus two is Alan Davies!
0:27:31 > 0:27:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:35 > 0:27:39In third place with minus six is Sean Lock.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Thank you very much.
0:27:41 > 0:27:47But in fourth place with minus ten, it's Barack Obama!
0:27:47 > 0:27:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Barack, where are you? Minus ten.
0:27:53 > 0:27:58Which means tonight in fifth place, with a very impressive minus 46,
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Jo Brand!
0:28:00 > 0:28:05APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:28:08 > 0:28:14It only remains to say thank you from David, Sean, Jo, Alan and me,
0:28:14 > 0:28:16and to leave you with this thought from the great Jack Handy.
0:28:16 > 0:28:20Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
0:28:20 > 0:28:22That way, when you criticise them,
0:28:22 > 0:28:26you'll be a mile away, and you'll have their shoes! Good night.
0:28:26 > 0:28:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:45 > 0:28:48Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:48 > 0:28:51E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk