0:00:26 > 0:00:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:34 > 0:00:40Gooooooooooooood
0:00:40 > 0:00:43evening! And welcome to QI,
0:00:43 > 0:00:49which tonight is a general grab bag of Gs - gifts, gags, genetics, gaols and granaries.
0:00:49 > 0:00:54Let's open the gifts first. I have been given the most fantastic presents.
0:00:54 > 0:00:58- First out of the box, Jimmy Carr! - AUDIENCE: Oooh!
0:00:59 > 0:01:04- And Jan Ravens! - AUDIENCE: Mmmmmm!
0:01:04 > 0:01:08- But what about Clive Anderson? - Ohhhh!
0:01:08 > 0:01:15- And just what I've always wanted. My very own puppy - Alan Davies! - Ahhhh!
0:01:15 > 0:01:20Now what am I going to get in the buzzer department? Jimmy goes...
0:01:20 > 0:01:25# Gimme all your lovin' All your hugs and kisses too! #
0:01:25 > 0:01:29- Jan goes... - # Give me just a little more time! #
0:01:29 > 0:01:35- Clive goes... - # Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight! #
0:01:35 > 0:01:42- And Alan goes... - # How much is that doggie in the window? Woof! Woof! #
0:01:43 > 0:01:49Here's a gift of a question. Suppose you want to send a present to someone in the USA.
0:01:49 > 0:01:53What's the commonest item that is seized by the Customs?
0:01:53 > 0:01:56# Gimme all your lovin'! #
0:01:56 > 0:02:00- I'm rather enjoying that.- Yes. - Mexicans.
0:02:01 > 0:02:05That's a reasonable guess. I actually have a bag of items...
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Of Mexicans?
0:02:08 > 0:02:12Can you pass that to Jimmy? Keep one. And vice versa.
0:02:12 > 0:02:18- What's in the bag? - These are all items that may or may not be banned
0:02:18 > 0:02:25- by US Customs if you try to cross the border with them.- Chopped pork and ham?- Money. Dirty handkerchiefs.
0:02:25 > 0:02:30- Dirty handkerchiefs.- Some seeds and a lottery ticket.- A cigar!
0:02:30 > 0:02:36- I bet you're not allowed to have seeds.- You're not allowed to have anything in there.- A shoe?!
0:02:36 > 0:02:39One is the most confiscated item.
0:02:39 > 0:02:46- I've been to America and I definitely remember wearing shoes.- It's a shoe that's been to a farm lately.
0:02:46 > 0:02:51It's got soil on it, the shoe. Is this because of Cuba?
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Exactly right. It's a Cuban cigar.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58Does this just indicate you've got flu or a disease?
0:02:58 > 0:03:04A hankie that is covered in any amount of human disjecta, any fluids...
0:03:04 > 0:03:09- Is money too obvious? - It's not real money. It's counterfeit money.
0:03:09 > 0:03:14- I'm going to go with shoes.- Shoes. - Lottery tickets.- Lottery tickets.
0:03:14 > 0:03:19- Who tries to import lottery tickets? - You can go to prison for two years.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23- Worth it for a £10 million prize. - IF! Yes.
0:03:23 > 0:03:28- So which do you think is the item? - Hessian bags!
0:03:28 > 0:03:33- They are also illegal. The bag. - It's made out of hemp.- Extra point.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37It actually rhymes with "tinder egg".
0:03:37 > 0:03:43- Kinder Egg?- The egg with the secret surprise in it. - Because you can easily open them?
0:03:43 > 0:03:49- Then fill them with heroin?- No. - A child may easily choke on the small parts.- Exactly.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53In their poetic phrase, "It poses a choking and aspiration hazard."
0:03:53 > 0:03:56It's happening now! Oh, no! Quick!
0:03:56 > 0:03:59- That is a Creme Egg!- A Creme Egg.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03- Is it tidy up time now? - You can tidy up, thank you.
0:04:03 > 0:04:08But the fact is that there is the "surprise toy" egg
0:04:08 > 0:04:12which is the most confiscated item. And all imports from Cuba.
0:04:12 > 0:04:18For 17 years in a row, the United Nations has deemed what illegal?
0:04:18 > 0:04:22- The US boycott.- Yes. The US boycott on Cuba
0:04:22 > 0:04:27has for 17 years in a row been deemed illegal by all the UN countries except...
0:04:27 > 0:04:32- Cuba!- No, Israel and the Pacific state of Palau.
0:04:33 > 0:04:39I'll tell you, bizarrely, what is legal to import is what Americans call a switchblade, a flick knife,
0:04:39 > 0:04:46- but only if you can satisfy one condition. One type of person is allowed it.- A fisherman?- Nope.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48- Teddy Boy.- A gang member. >
0:04:48 > 0:04:53Think about what distinguishes a switchblade from any other knife.
0:04:53 > 0:04:58- You're a one-armed person.- You've got a good brain, Clive Anderson.
0:04:58 > 0:05:03- So if you got caught with a switchblade...- Chop your arm off.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05- Ha!- You've got it.
0:05:05 > 0:05:10- There you are.- Put it in your hand luggage. For reattaching later.
0:05:10 > 0:05:16Fishermen are supposed to use them sensibly. When you're catching a fish you have to cut the line.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19That was always the justification we used to use!
0:05:19 > 0:05:27Anyway, chocolate eggs with toys in are the commonest items seized by US Customs, then Cuban cigars.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30- What do you call someone who never laughs?- That bloke.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34- LAUGHTER - You're right.
0:05:34 > 0:05:38- He hasn't cracked a smile all evening.- Might be dead. Nudge him.
0:05:40 > 0:05:46- Are we looking for a phobia word? - Agelastic, meaning they don't laugh. There are people.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50- It seems...- They can't laugh? - Well, who knows?
0:05:50 > 0:05:54There's a sort of epilepsy where you...hahaha...a lot,
0:05:54 > 0:05:57which is an unusual affect.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00That was shocking.
0:06:00 > 0:06:06I've got an interesting sort of Greek-type word for something that I do sometimes
0:06:06 > 0:06:10where I can't help the urge to do an impression of somebody.
0:06:10 > 0:06:18Sometimes if somebody's got a limp or a funny walk, I want to... go along with it. It's terrible.
0:06:18 > 0:06:24Apparently, when you want to take on somebody's limp, it's called echopraxia.
0:06:24 > 0:06:30- Oh, brilliant.- If you do it with words, imitating them verbally, it's echolalia.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33That is very... Points! Points!
0:06:33 > 0:06:36- Brilliant. - APPLAUSE
0:06:36 > 0:06:41It's also, I think, if I'm not mistaken, it's called taking the piss as well.
0:06:43 > 0:06:50- Yeah.- It almost defines being human, laughter. Animals don't laugh. They don't put two things together.
0:06:50 > 0:06:56It's very social. People tend not to laugh on their own. Even watching a show as hilarious as this,
0:06:56 > 0:07:02at home on your own you won't laugh in the same way, which is why people think it's canned laughter.
0:07:02 > 0:07:07You ARE laughing at bits. It's a very social thing.
0:07:07 > 0:07:12- You're showing that you get the thing and understand.- A communal thing.
0:07:12 > 0:07:19People said to be agelastic include Isaac Newton, who is supposed to have laughed once in his life.
0:07:19 > 0:07:25- When an apple fell on his head! - Someone asked the point of studying Euclid and he burst out laughing.
0:07:25 > 0:07:30That is a good one, though. What was he like?!
0:07:30 > 0:07:36- According to Marshal Zhukov, Stalin didn't laugh.- I'm amazed. He seemed such a chirpy chap.
0:07:37 > 0:07:44- Behind the moustache, he's chuckling. - Jonathan Swift and Gladstone. - He was a funny writer.
0:07:44 > 0:07:50Lots of comedians don't laugh. Lots of comedians are miserable in real life. Not us, obviously.
0:07:50 > 0:07:55The bloke on the left and the bloke in the middle are the same.
0:07:57 > 0:08:02- On the left, he's been on a diet. - It's an advert for the Chin Gym.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07- The one on the left is Isaac Newton. - That's Newton.- And Jonathan Swift.
0:08:07 > 0:08:13- Trollope, on the other hand... - Couldn't stop laughing. - He died giggling.
0:08:13 > 0:08:17- Didn't he work in the post office? - That's probably it.- He did.
0:08:17 > 0:08:23- He invented the post-box.- Yes. - And lived to regret it. - He couldn't get out.
0:08:25 > 0:08:31No, he was sorry for a very odd reason. He was very old-fashioned about what women shouldn't do.
0:08:31 > 0:08:37He hadn't anticipated that the post office would allow women to communicate with anyone, freely.
0:08:37 > 0:08:44Before the post-box, they would have to go to their father or a servant who would put the stamp on.
0:08:44 > 0:08:50Suddenly, they could send their own letters and have relationships without their parents' consent
0:08:50 > 0:08:54- and he resented this. - What has he done?!
0:08:54 > 0:08:59- The law of unintended consequences. - Good old Trollope.
0:08:59 > 0:09:05There are theories of laughter. The superiority theory - the glory we feel when we see someone suffer.
0:09:05 > 0:09:11- I believe it, but a lot of people don't understand it.- Very good. There's the incongruity theory.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15The decorous and logical abruptly dissolves into the low and absurd.
0:09:15 > 0:09:20We wouldn't farting well want that. For example.
0:09:20 > 0:09:26Not that I'd say that. The relief theory, Freud - naughtiness of the joke liberates the laughter
0:09:26 > 0:09:30- from inhibitions about forbidden thoughts.- Watching Jackass.
0:09:30 > 0:09:35- You've written a book. The Naked Jape.- Yeah, with my friend Lucy, about the nature of jokes.
0:09:35 > 0:09:41- Have you come to a theory? - There's all these different theories from around the world.
0:09:41 > 0:09:47And they're all pretty much nonsense. They all work in the same way - all jokes are two stories.
0:09:47 > 0:09:53The first makes you make an assumption and the second makes you realise it was erroneous.
0:09:53 > 0:10:00An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman go into a pub and the barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
0:10:00 > 0:10:07- A meta joke.- Yeah. When I told them I wanted to be a comedian, they laughed. They're not laughing now.
0:10:07 > 0:10:12- That's a brilliant one. - Monkhouse.- Bob Monkhouse.
0:10:12 > 0:10:17It's hard when you write about comedy to make it funny as well. Did you...?
0:10:17 > 0:10:21In the end, we put a joke on every page. Some of it's complicated.
0:10:21 > 0:10:28They say analysing jokes is like dissecting a frog - no one's that interested and the frog dies.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32- Like digging up the roots of a plant. - And killing it as you do it.
0:10:32 > 0:10:38Exactly. Anyway, agelasts are people who don't laugh at gags.
0:10:38 > 0:10:42Answer me this. Who is responsible for the oldest joke in the world?
0:10:42 > 0:10:45# Give me just a little more time! #
0:10:46 > 0:10:50Well, I don't know who is responsible for the oldest joke,
0:10:50 > 0:10:56but I can tell you something quite interesting about the subject of the first impression,
0:10:56 > 0:10:59- which was Socrates.- Really?
0:10:59 > 0:11:03In a play by Aristophanes called The Clouds.
0:11:03 > 0:11:09The interesting thing about it was that this portrayal resulted in him being put on trial
0:11:09 > 0:11:14and put to death for corrupting youths.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17- And they used the impression of him...- As evidence.
0:11:17 > 0:11:24David Steel complains about his Spitting Image puppet ruining his career or whatever.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28Well, these are all excellent. There's a joke here,
0:11:28 > 0:11:34which is a pretty old Greek joke. There was an absent-minded professor who was on a sea voyage
0:11:34 > 0:11:38when a storm blows up and his slaves are weeping in terror.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42He says, "Don't cry, I have freed you all in my will." That's a joke.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Slave-related humour there.
0:11:44 > 0:11:49The Abderites were stereotyped as being incredibly stupid.
0:11:49 > 0:11:55This is really frustrating. This is joke 114 in the Philogelos, the joke book.
0:11:55 > 0:12:00This Abderite asks a eunuch how many children he has.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04You see? And the eunuch goes, "Duh! None. I'm a eunuch."
0:12:04 > 0:12:10So the Abderite says... And the fragment is missing. We don't have the punchline.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14So...I'm inviting you to provide the punchline.
0:12:14 > 0:12:18"How many children have you got?" "I don't have any. I'm a eunuch."
0:12:18 > 0:12:22- The Abderite, who's thick, says... - How many grandchildren?- Very good!
0:12:22 > 0:12:27- "Excellent. How many grandchildren?" - APPLAUSE
0:12:27 > 0:12:30I like working with old material.
0:12:30 > 0:12:36The oldest joke I found that still sort of works, and I've seen it performed on stage,
0:12:36 > 0:12:41is an old Greek joke. A barber says to a man, "How do you want your hair cut?"
0:12:41 > 0:12:44And the man says, "In silence."
0:12:45 > 0:12:47It still kind of works.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49- Very good.- That's an old one.
0:12:49 > 0:12:55There's a much older one. A Sumerian one from 1,900 BC, which is really pretty old.
0:12:55 > 0:12:59Something that has never occurred since time immemorial -
0:12:59 > 0:13:04a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap.
0:13:05 > 0:13:11Don't open with it, Stephen, don't open with it. Work it into the set somewhere.
0:13:11 > 0:13:16Time immemorial in those days was a week last Tuesday.
0:13:16 > 0:13:21An old English one is what is the most cleanliest leaf?
0:13:21 > 0:13:26- Holly leaves, for no one will wipe their arse with them. - LAUGHTER
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Humour was about farts and bottoms.
0:13:29 > 0:13:33- We've moved on from there. - Thank God for that.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37Farting in the lap? I don't...? Was everyone doing it?
0:13:37 > 0:13:45- For the first time, a young woman did NOT fart in his lap.- So women probably weren't allowed chairs.
0:13:45 > 0:13:50Chairs were expensive. The woman would be on his lap and would fart.
0:13:50 > 0:13:57- Once there was a woman who didn't and it was worthy of report. - "She hasn't farted! Ha ha!"
0:13:57 > 0:14:00A very interesting joke.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04Here is a good gag. What sort of person wears one of these?
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Lord!
0:14:06 > 0:14:11You can try it on yourself if you like. It's got little...
0:14:11 > 0:14:16- The sound of polystyrene! Ah! Ah! - There you are. Sorry.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19- Oh, this is a tongue thing.- Yeah.
0:14:19 > 0:14:26This is to stop... I can't remember what it's called. They've got one of these in the Museum of Torture.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29You can open the side somehow.
0:14:29 > 0:14:33- That bit goes in the mouth. - It stops your lady talking.
0:14:33 > 0:14:37- That's it. - Would Pony Boy come in this answer?
0:14:37 > 0:14:40- Pony Boy?- Yes.- Excuse me?!
0:14:40 > 0:14:44That's it. Oh, I say. Fits you rather well.
0:14:46 > 0:14:50You sounded like you were having an idea then, Stephen!
0:14:52 > 0:14:56- It was quite disconcerting. - Giddy-up!
0:14:56 > 0:15:03"You've given me a thought there, Alan, I must say. Have him scrubbed and brought to my room."
0:15:03 > 0:15:04LAUGHTER
0:15:04 > 0:15:07Don't bother to have him scrubbed.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15- They're called, does anybody know? - MUFFLED:- A witch's cradle.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18- So close.- A witch's cradle.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20- MUFFLED:- I can't talk!
0:15:20 > 0:15:26What's the answer, Alan? Let's do the letters. One for yes...
0:15:26 > 0:15:28- Is it A?- Uh-uh.
0:15:29 > 0:15:34- It's...- Is it a device used for pigs when they are constipated?
0:15:34 > 0:15:35Ohhh(!)
0:15:37 > 0:15:44Sorry, Alan. I probably should have said before. What they do is strap it on and ram it home.
0:15:44 > 0:15:49It's a sort of chastity belt for the face?
0:15:49 > 0:15:52- Known as a scold's bridle. - Scold's bridle!
0:15:52 > 0:15:57Was she ducked in the river? Get it before he says it!
0:15:57 > 0:16:03- You were ducked in the water? - The more common punishment was a cucking stool, not ducking stool.
0:16:03 > 0:16:08- It is actually a cucking stool. - "Excuse me! That's the wrong word!
0:16:10 > 0:16:13"Get me off the cucking stool!"
0:16:13 > 0:16:16So who had to wear one? Other than Alan.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20Nagging and malicious, spiteful, gossipy women.
0:16:20 > 0:16:25The male equivalent is barratry. A barrator was a male equivalent.
0:16:25 > 0:16:30There are no real records of these being used. There are 50 in Britain.
0:16:30 > 0:16:34This is the replica of one that comes from Walton on Thames.
0:16:34 > 0:16:39- Look at that. Extraordinary. - Makes her look like a dog as well!
0:16:39 > 0:16:44That second one's not practical. Is that the front or the back of the head?
0:16:44 > 0:16:49That's the male version. See the beard? For a barrator.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52There you are.
0:16:52 > 0:16:58- A bit of fun with genetics now. What do you get if you cross a butterfly with a caterpillar?- A butterpillar.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01- Oh! - HOOTER
0:17:06 > 0:17:10- Should have said the other one. - Caterfly.- Oh!
0:17:10 > 0:17:12HOOTER
0:17:13 > 0:17:16I feel such a fool!
0:17:17 > 0:17:23I'm reading a book at the moment about a very, very hungry caterpillar...
0:17:25 > 0:17:30I might know where it's going, but I don't want to spoil it.
0:17:30 > 0:17:34Are you saying a species reproduces halfway through its life cycle?
0:17:34 > 0:17:39No, there is a theory which is that actually they are different species.
0:17:39 > 0:17:44- I know it sounds insane.- What he's done there is he's not understood.
0:17:44 > 0:17:51Fair enough because it is complicated and you might not... Was it Alan who put this forward?
0:17:51 > 0:17:57I'll tell you. Donald Williamson, formerly of the University of Liverpool.
0:17:57 > 0:18:02It's called hybridogenesis. It does seem pretty off the wall, but...
0:18:02 > 0:18:07- ..he has some... - That's a fantastic idea, though.
0:18:07 > 0:18:13But sometimes you see an old guy in St Tropez with a beautiful young girl and think a similar thing.
0:18:13 > 0:18:18- Maybe the caterpillars had a lot of money.- No such thing as an ugly rich bloke.- Williamson,
0:18:18 > 0:18:25his star witness was Luidia sarsi, which starts life as a small larva with a tiny starfish inside.
0:18:25 > 0:18:31As the larva grows, the starfish migrates to the outside and they separate. This is normal.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35But in this one, instead of degenerating, the larva swims off
0:18:35 > 0:18:39and lives for several months as an independent animal.
0:18:39 > 0:18:44It's like the caterpillar and butterfly are alive at the same time.
0:18:44 > 0:18:48His point is that for millions of years, particularly in the sea,
0:18:48 > 0:18:53sperm and seed have been mixed, hundreds of thousands of species,
0:18:53 > 0:18:59and just once every million years, happen to create a double species. He thinks it's not impossible.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02We're intrigued by the possibility.
0:19:02 > 0:19:07Now something disconnected. Where are 1% of American adults?
0:19:07 > 0:19:12We could find out. Use Google Earth. Some of them are quite big.
0:19:12 > 0:19:17- You could.- "There's one. He's got his own postcode."
0:19:17 > 0:19:22- 1% - what's the population? - 300 million, isn't it?
0:19:22 > 0:19:26- So you're talking about 2.5-3 million.- Jail!
0:19:26 > 0:19:32- Yes! G for gaol. English spelling of jail, of course. G for gaol. - That many people?
0:19:32 > 0:19:35- 3 million people are locked up? - 2.3.
0:19:35 > 0:19:40- One in every 99.1 adults. - All of those guys are innocent.
0:19:40 > 0:19:46- They were arrested for having switchblades, but only have one arm! - Well spotted!
0:19:46 > 0:19:48APPLAUSE
0:19:49 > 0:19:55The proportion is more than twice as many as South Africa, more than three times as many as the Iranians,
0:19:55 > 0:20:02more than six times as many as the Chinese. No society in history has imprisoned more citizens.
0:20:02 > 0:20:07- But we top the European league. - We're ahead of China, Turkey and India.- Yes.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10148 prisoners per 100,000.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14- It's three strikes and they're out. - That's the problem.
0:20:14 > 0:20:18A legal system based on baseball(!) It just seems bizarre.
0:20:18 > 0:20:23"You don't understand the law. It's complicated. What's simple? Baseball!
0:20:23 > 0:20:29- "Right, then. Here's the rules..." - Three strikes and you're out.
0:20:29 > 0:20:35If the first two crimes you're convicted of are serious enough, the third, no matter how trivial,
0:20:35 > 0:20:39will get a life sentence, 25 years or more.
0:20:39 > 0:20:45Leandro Andrade is serving two consecutive 25-year terms for shoplifting nine videotapes.
0:20:45 > 0:20:51- He took nine?!- Yes. Kevin Weber, 26 years for stealing four chocolate chip cookies. It's astonishing.
0:20:51 > 0:20:56It's really stupid. You know you're on this sort of deal...
0:20:56 > 0:20:58- Take five!- That is the idea.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Go nuts! < Do another murder!
0:21:00 > 0:21:05- Do a bank job. - No point in doing anything trivial.
0:21:05 > 0:21:12It is a bit bonkers. The racial and gender numbers are worrying. One in 30 men aged 20-34 is behind bars.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16But for black males it's one in nine. One in nine.
0:21:16 > 0:21:21There are more 17-year-old black people in gaol than in college.
0:21:21 > 0:21:255% of the world are American, 25% of all prisoners are American.
0:21:25 > 0:21:30- Isn't there controversy with the business end of it?- It is a business.
0:21:30 > 0:21:36- They make loads of stuff. - Well, one thing I should have said when talking about contraband
0:21:36 > 0:21:41is you're not allowed to bring in to America anything made in prisons,
0:21:41 > 0:21:45but in America you can almost say, if you are so minded,
0:21:45 > 0:21:51that they've re-invented the slave trade. They produce, for example, 100% of all military helmets,
0:21:51 > 0:21:55ammunition belts, bulletproof vests, ID tags and other items.
0:21:55 > 0:22:0293% of domestically produced paints, 36% of home appliances, 21% of office furniture,
0:22:02 > 0:22:09which allows the US to compete with factories in Mexico. The workers can't refuse to work.
0:22:09 > 0:22:16I'd like to say something hilarious, but something must be done. It's more Question Time-y tonight.
0:22:16 > 0:22:20- It is a bit amazing.- Extraordinary. It's slavery by the back door.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22- Exactly.- Another video I've got.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25LAUGHTER
0:22:25 > 0:22:28Ohhh! You found the joke.
0:22:28 > 0:22:35- If you're in prison, is there an incentive for you to work?- You get solitary confinement if you refuse.
0:22:36 > 0:22:40More than one in 100 American adults are in jail.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44Now it's General Ignorance time. Fingers on buzzers.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48What mischief did Cornish wreckers get up to?
0:22:48 > 0:22:51I imagine it involved the gene pool.
0:22:51 > 0:22:55- # Give me just a little more time! # - Jan?- They lit fires
0:22:55 > 0:23:00and lured boats onto the rocks by pretending... Is that...?
0:23:00 > 0:23:02- HOOTER - Oh, dear!
0:23:02 > 0:23:05You're thinking of mermaids.
0:23:05 > 0:23:12- I was totally sold on that idea. - That is the myth. They didn't. No record of it ever happening.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15No contemporary source mentions it.
0:23:15 > 0:23:21- There was one accusation in Anglesey but that turned out not... - Weren't people hanged for this?
0:23:21 > 0:23:24- No. No record of it.- Never happened?
0:23:24 > 0:23:29- Only in novels like...- Jamaica Inn. - Jamaica Inn.- By Daphne du Maurier.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Which you know all about. You won Celebrity Mastermind.
0:23:32 > 0:23:37- What was your specialist subject? - Daphne du Maurier, curiously.
0:23:37 > 0:23:41But I'm very surprised at this, actually.
0:23:41 > 0:23:46It was invented, many people believe, by Methodist preachers
0:23:46 > 0:23:51and taken up by Victorian romantic novelists and Daphne du Maurier.
0:23:51 > 0:23:58- The stuff you learn on here.- Repeated by Rev Sabine Baring-Gould, who wrote Onward, Christian Soldiers,
0:23:58 > 0:24:03and was the subject of a strange story. He was at a children's party
0:24:03 > 0:24:09and he said, "Whose little girl are you?" and the little girl burst into tears and said, "Yours, Daddy!"
0:24:09 > 0:24:13He did have 15 children, but it's shocking.
0:24:13 > 0:24:19Nearly as bad as the comedian who did an act. An agent approached and said, "You're very good.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23"Do you have representation? Who's your agent?" He said, "You are!"
0:24:23 > 0:24:26LAUGHTER
0:24:26 > 0:24:32Oh, dear. Edward James, the great art collector, recalled in his autobiography his mother shouting,
0:24:32 > 0:24:37"Nanny! I'm going to church. I want one of my daughters to go with me."
0:24:37 > 0:24:41The nanny said, "Very good, Mrs James. Which one?"
0:24:41 > 0:24:45"Oh, the one with the red hair. She'll go with this coat."
0:24:49 > 0:24:55There you go. Anyway, it seems, sadly, that wreckers made a living salvaging stuff from shipwrecks,
0:24:55 > 0:24:59but there's no evidence that they lured ships onto the rocks.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02How could Archimedes have moved the Earth?
0:25:02 > 0:25:09# Gimme all your lovin'! # He could have made love to me like a wild man.
0:25:09 > 0:25:17# Gimme, gimme, gimme! # Didn't he say he wanted a fulcrum big enough and then a lever?
0:25:17 > 0:25:22- HOOTER - But he couldn't have done it. - I'm only quoting him!
0:25:22 > 0:25:26- He said... - He's your best available source.
0:25:26 > 0:25:31The best way to move the Earth is a montage with a Coldplay song.
0:25:32 > 0:25:37Some sporting achievements and maybe Take That's Greatest Day.
0:25:37 > 0:25:41- You'll say next Archimedes' screw wasn't up to much.- I'm sure it was.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45- He did say... - SPEAKS IN GREEK
0:25:45 > 0:25:50"Give me a place to stand and I will move the Earth." He discovered the power of the lever.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53He was big, wasn't he?
0:25:53 > 0:25:59One of our elves worked out that if he weighed 100kg, which is reasonable, I suppose,
0:25:59 > 0:26:04and placed his fulcrum a kilometre from the bottom of the Earth,
0:26:04 > 0:26:09to balance the planet he'd need a lever 6.5 billion light years long.
0:26:09 > 0:26:17Assuming he moved his end one metre, the Earth would move by less than the diameter of a single proton.
0:26:17 > 0:26:21He wasn't to be taken literally, Stephen, for goodness' sake!
0:26:21 > 0:26:27I'm being penalised for you taking his words as though he meant it. He was merely...
0:26:27 > 0:26:32- I'm asking how he could have. - Who is he on the phone to?
0:26:33 > 0:26:36"This isn't working."
0:26:36 > 0:26:40"Is that Socrates? I saw a play about you..."
0:26:40 > 0:26:42"Just leave it, mate."
0:26:43 > 0:26:50Can we all move the Earth when we walk around? In a literal sense. Does it move a little bit?
0:26:50 > 0:26:56- Well...- They say if everyone in China at the same time jumped up and down, they'd be livid.
0:26:56 > 0:27:01He's saying, "Did you put my toga in with that red towel?"
0:27:06 > 0:27:11No, if you jump up, according to Newtonian insight,
0:27:11 > 0:27:17you could move the Earth by a tiny amount, but it would cancel itself out under the Third Law of Motion.
0:27:17 > 0:27:25- The jumping up and down would cancel itself out.- So all that effort is a complete waste of time.- It is.
0:27:25 > 0:27:31- Speaking literally.- Archimedes would have moved the Earth more by jumping than by using a lever.
0:27:31 > 0:27:36This is all we have time for this week. The scores - oh, my goodness!
0:27:36 > 0:27:40Our winner is, for the first time, Jan Ravens with six points!
0:27:40 > 0:27:43- APPLAUSE - Plus six!
0:27:47 > 0:27:51In second, with minus seven, Jimmy Carr!
0:27:51 > 0:27:54APPLAUSE I'll take that!
0:27:55 > 0:28:00In third place, with minus 14, Clive Anderson!
0:28:00 > 0:28:03That's not bad. APPLAUSE
0:28:03 > 0:28:08I'm afraid that means this week's loser is Alan
0:28:08 > 0:28:10with minus 18!
0:28:10 > 0:28:12APPLAUSE
0:28:16 > 0:28:20That's it from Jan, Jimmy, Clive, Alan and me.
0:28:20 > 0:28:26The actress Tallulah Bankhead was in a stall in the ladies lavatory and heard someone in the next one.
0:28:26 > 0:28:33She said, "Honey, I got no paper in here. Is there some in your stall?" The woman said, "I'm afraid not."
0:28:33 > 0:28:39"Could you check by the hand basins for paper towels?" The woman says, "I can't see any."
0:28:39 > 0:28:44Tallulah says, "In that case, have you got two tens for a twenty?" Good night.
0:29:01 > 0:29:04Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk