0:00:23 > 0:00:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:36- You know when you find a bee and it's crawling on its last legs? - I rescue them.- Give it honey.
0:00:36 > 0:00:40It's the only thing they eat. It makes sense when you think about it.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Yeah, yeah!
0:00:42 > 0:00:48- No point just talking to it. Give it honey.- They're very much a one recipe species.
0:00:48 > 0:00:54I'm intrigued because I generally give it the sole of my shoe, but...
0:00:54 > 0:01:00- Not to be harsh, but you know. - You'd tread on a struggling, crawling bee?
0:01:00 > 0:01:03As opposed to rehabilitate it?!
0:01:03 > 0:01:08I like honey. I have it on my porridge, you murderer.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11- We depend on bees. - We need the bees.
0:01:11 > 0:01:16So in future I should lure it back? Do I get a syringe of honey?
0:01:16 > 0:01:20- How do I feed it?- A teaspoon of honey. Don't tread on it.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23- You should be arrested. - LAUGHTER
0:01:23 > 0:01:26You should be locked up...in a hive.
0:01:26 > 0:01:33Isn't it true, though, that a bee in his entire lifetime makes a tiny amount of honey?
0:01:33 > 0:01:40- I mean, just the minutest amount. - But there's lots of them.- You don't have to give much honey to this bee
0:01:40 > 0:01:43before the world is making a net loss.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45That's true.
0:01:45 > 0:01:51It's useless. If you only get one teaspoon of honey from a whole bee's lifetime
0:01:51 > 0:01:57and every time it takes a teaspoon and a half, suddenly there's no honey at all!
0:01:57 > 0:02:03- This is more honey than this bee has seen in its life.- It's insulting it, apart from anything else.
0:02:03 > 0:02:08Like showing a very tired mason a whole cathedral! LAUGHTER
0:02:08 > 0:02:11- May... - APPLAUSE
0:02:15 > 0:02:19Well, let's say you're in between Alan and Dara.
0:02:19 > 0:02:26Like Alan you want to help the bee, but like Dara you also want to kill, kill, kill,
0:02:26 > 0:02:31what you can do is get what I would term too much honey and you see the bee
0:02:31 > 0:02:36- and you pour molten honey...- No! - Hear me out.- OK.
0:02:36 > 0:02:41- And then you watch him die a slow... - Yes, I carry on with NO!
0:02:41 > 0:02:46- I've now heard you out.- Yes. - And it's no better.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48That's much worse than what I did!
0:02:48 > 0:02:52- You're being humane?- Yeah!- You're not. You get a kick out of it.
0:02:52 > 0:02:57Drowning the bee ironically in honey...
0:02:57 > 0:03:01- You can't drown bees! - "Is this too much honey?"
0:03:01 > 0:03:06DAVID: "Not so keen on the honey now, are you?"
0:03:08 > 0:03:15- You may try to drown bees, but I will follow you and... - It wasn't him wanting to drown them.
0:03:15 > 0:03:20- Yes, it was! He's a bee drowner. - I'd smash them with a hammer.
0:03:20 > 0:03:25- He wanted to tread on it. - If there's a bee in a bath, I don't go, "Get the shoe!"
0:03:25 > 0:03:28- Splishy! Splashy!- Very good.
0:03:28 > 0:03:34Well, thank you for that... interesting, fierce and, I think, productive debate.
0:03:37 > 0:03:41I did one of those Royal Command Performances many years ago.
0:03:41 > 0:03:45Anthony Newley wrote a song for the end that we had to do.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49It had the gorgeous line, "At the London Palladium,
0:03:49 > 0:03:51"the P-A-double L-adium,
0:03:51 > 0:03:56"the super starry stadium that showbiz calls home."
0:03:56 > 0:04:03- Ah, Newley. Brilliant. - # The London Palladium... #- I'd throw myself in the orchestra pit.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05"Who's with me?"
0:04:05 > 0:04:11- And you do that thing... Is there a word for it musically? - BLEEP- ..Yeah!
0:04:11 > 0:04:13For what I'm about to mention?
0:04:13 > 0:04:16# That showbiz calls home Have a banana!
0:04:16 > 0:04:19# That showbiz calls home And I love it!
0:04:19 > 0:04:24# That showbiz calls home! # What is that?
0:04:24 > 0:04:26- The annoying coda.- Yeah.
0:04:26 > 0:04:31I don't know what we're talking about any more. I've lost track.
0:04:32 > 0:04:37- Who's this Newley man? - Anthony Newley.- Anthony Newley.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41He used to sing with 100 syllables. # Aa-oh-aaah... #
0:04:41 > 0:04:45- And David Bowie stole his voice, of course.- Yeah, exactly!
0:04:45 > 0:04:51And he was the first... Well, not the first, but a very early Artful Dodger.
0:04:51 > 0:04:56- He was one of the first. - # Aa-oh-aah... #
0:04:56 > 0:05:02One of the most successful British showbiz people of all time. Won Oscars, Tonys, wrote Goldfinger.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06There's a story, because Tony Newley told me himself...
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Ah-oh-aah...!
0:05:08 > 0:05:15- You haven't got a tie on, Danny. - He won the Oscar for Goldfinger in '64 or '65.
0:05:15 > 0:05:22And he was up against Henry Mancini. And he was at the Oscars. He said, "Dan, if you ever win..."
0:05:22 > 0:05:27I'm doing Max Bygraves! "Dan, if you ever win an Oscar, and you will..."
0:05:27 > 0:05:33He said the first thing you want to do is go straight to the toilets and look at yourself in the mirror.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37He said, "I was in the toilets and I'd just won for Goldfinger and Henry Mancini came in
0:05:37 > 0:05:41"and he said, 'Where did you get that melody? It's brilliant.'"
0:05:41 > 0:05:46"Thank you!" Then he thought, "Oh! He won last year for Moon River."
0:05:46 > 0:05:48# Moon river... #
0:05:48 > 0:05:51"I just won for..." # Goldfinger! #
0:05:51 > 0:05:56But Henry Mancini, gentleman that he was, just left him with that.
0:05:56 > 0:06:02- He wrote the MUSIC for Goldfinger? - Yeah.- I thought you meant the film.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06Would you like a cup of cocoa, dear?
0:06:08 > 0:06:13- If cryogenics takes off, it might benefit you to commit suicide.- Why?
0:06:13 > 0:06:17Die young, then get brought back looking the same. Do it again...
0:06:17 > 0:06:22- True.- So you get a couple of years, top yourself, get frozen again.
0:06:22 > 0:06:29Why not just freeze yourself? Why top yourself AND freeze yourself in the hope they'd cured suicide?
0:06:29 > 0:06:34Some day medical science will have moved on to have found some way
0:06:34 > 0:06:41of dealing with massive gunshot wounds to the head! Then I'll score because I'll look great...
0:06:41 > 0:06:45Is the idea that every decade you have a couple of good years?
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Why would you even do that?
0:06:48 > 0:06:54Then come back in 100 years' time, see what it's like, top yourself, come back in another 100...
0:06:54 > 0:06:57- You're not getting my point! - LAUGHTER
0:06:57 > 0:07:00You started it with serial suicide!
0:07:00 > 0:07:07- Why do you have to top yourself first?!- Because you get frozen when you're dead! Not when you're alive.
0:07:07 > 0:07:12- They freeze you when you're alive. - When you're alive?!- Yeah.
0:07:12 > 0:07:18How can you be so shocked? "When you're alive?! Kill yourself first!"
0:07:19 > 0:07:25There's got to be a moment of death to quickly whip your brain out, like with people's organs.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29I don't think they're allowed to freeze you when you're alive.
0:07:29 > 0:07:36They say it's so you can wake up in the future, but, in fact, the freezing would kill you.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40- No, I'm thinking...- But with Alan's plan you'd already be dead.
0:07:40 > 0:07:45And then they take your brain out - that's something else he said -
0:07:45 > 0:07:50and 100 years on they put the brain back in. "You'd look great."
0:07:50 > 0:07:52LAUGHTER
0:07:56 > 0:07:58It's going to work!
0:07:58 > 0:08:06Why would you not want Private Gwilym Jenkins of the Royal Welsh Regiment
0:08:06 > 0:08:08guarding your rose bushes?
0:08:08 > 0:08:11- Sean?- He's a goat.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Is the right answer!
0:08:14 > 0:08:16- APPLAUSE - Very good.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20Very good.
0:08:20 > 0:08:25- Yep.- Oh, he's a beauty.- You knew that or it was an inspired guess?
0:08:25 > 0:08:31- No, I knew that. - Various regiments were conjoined a few years ago. And there he is.
0:08:31 > 0:08:37- Isn't he fine?- Looks like Satan. - From the royal herd at Windsor. He's... What?
0:08:37 > 0:08:40He said he looks like Satan.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46- Satan in the '70s, you know. - He does a bit. You're right.
0:08:46 > 0:08:51There's a regiment in Norway where there's a general who's a penguin.
0:08:51 > 0:08:55- You're right again! - He was honoured.
0:08:55 > 0:09:00He was honoured in Edinburgh, of all places. Or inspected the troops.
0:09:00 > 0:09:07- A penguin did?!- He wanders up and down, with a thing round his neck... - Looking up the kilts.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11- Could be.- No. - What was this thing round his neck?
0:09:11 > 0:09:15They couldn't pin a medal on him. Some seal of office.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18- A seal as well?! - LAUGHTER
0:09:21 > 0:09:27Wow. We've got a seal, a penguin... But other regimental mascots include... The Irish Guards?
0:09:27 > 0:09:29- Leprechaun.- A big dog.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32BILL: A goldfish.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34One of those Irish dogs.
0:09:34 > 0:09:39- A wolfhound?- Thank you. An Irish wolfhound, indeed.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43- The Argyll and Sutherland Highlanders?- A big cow!- A haggis!
0:09:45 > 0:09:47- No.- Pekinese.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50A tiger! A big tiger! Arrr!
0:09:50 > 0:09:55- An Argyll and Sutherland terrier. - No, it's further...
0:09:55 > 0:09:59It's about the same size as the Irish wolfhound and the goat.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02The bonsai panther!
0:10:04 > 0:10:08- What's up north of Scotland? - Er, Wales!
0:10:08 > 0:10:13- Shetland pony!- A Shetland pony. Well done, Alan, there.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17- And the Worcestershire and Sherwood Foresters?- A bottle of sauce.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23- A wood louse!- A man dressed as a bottle of sauce.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26With his face out like that.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29- Chaffinch.- Not a...!
0:10:29 > 0:10:33I read that the current North Korean leader...
0:10:33 > 0:10:39- Kim Jong-Il.- The Beloved Leader. - He commands, Kim, Kimmy,
0:10:39 > 0:10:44he demands that his duvets are filled with the softest down known to man.
0:10:44 > 0:10:48And the softest down, apparently, known to man
0:10:48 > 0:10:51is the chin of a sparrow.
0:10:51 > 0:10:57- And he has 150,000 sparrow chins stuffed into his duvet.- No...
0:10:57 > 0:11:01Do they shave a live sparrow or do they kill a sparrow?
0:11:01 > 0:11:06- Just a tickle under the chin. - Chuck it under the chin.
0:11:06 > 0:11:11- Stephen fills his duvet with the softest man known to sparrows. - LAUGHTER
0:11:14 > 0:11:18Ah, I do. I do.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Who painted this picture?
0:11:21 > 0:11:23- "Aaaaow!" - Yes?
0:11:23 > 0:11:27Van GOFF. HOOTER
0:11:27 > 0:11:29We're after...
0:11:29 > 0:11:32I'm going to go Van GOTH.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35HOOTER
0:11:36 > 0:11:40- Wha...?!- Van GO!- Van GO?
0:11:40 > 0:11:42HOOTER
0:11:44 > 0:11:46"Here's Jimmy!"
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Cezanne.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50LAUGHTER
0:11:53 > 0:11:57- At least you don't lose points for that.- Van HO.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01- Closer...- Van HEUGH.- What?
0:12:01 > 0:12:06- Van HEUGH.- Now, listen. We can help you out with that name.
0:12:06 > 0:12:11- Jolly close, Jack. Were you aware there's a Dutch version of QI?- Yes.
0:12:11 > 0:12:15- Would you like to see the presenter?- Not really.
0:12:15 > 0:12:20- He will tell us how the name is pronounced. - Pretty good.- Sho shexy.
0:12:20 > 0:12:26- Come on! - The correct Dutch pronunciation is Vincent Van HOCH.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29But, please, don't try this at home.
0:12:29 > 0:12:35- There you are.- What would he know? - He wears more makeup than you, Stephen!
0:12:36 > 0:12:41Let's have the next word. And it's..."grog blossom".
0:12:41 > 0:12:46- Would you like to explain what it is?- This is actually
0:12:46 > 0:12:51the kind of mould that you get on the inside of a barrel of beer
0:12:51 > 0:12:55- that you have to clean out before you use it again.- Phill?
0:12:55 > 0:13:01I'd like to do it in the style of the out of work actors they had on Call My Bluff.
0:13:01 > 0:13:06They'd do their definition in an effort to beg for work.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08FLAMBOYANTLY Imagine if you will...
0:13:12 > 0:13:16..a lone figure walking across Hampstead Heath...
0:13:17 > 0:13:21..the sun glinting in his very eyes,
0:13:21 > 0:13:25for he is making his way back from an evening at the inn
0:13:25 > 0:13:29where he has partaken of mead
0:13:29 > 0:13:33and other lascivious beverages. LAUGHTER
0:13:35 > 0:13:39Adorning the chin of said stout fellow
0:13:39 > 0:13:43are pimples, for they betray his excesses,
0:13:43 > 0:13:48and these, at the time, were known as...
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Marty Fitch - 01 287 469.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54Available for panto.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57..grog blossom.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Bravo! Excellent.
0:14:03 > 0:14:08The true understanding of evolution shows that nature is horrific.
0:14:08 > 0:14:13The Victorians hated it because they loved countryside, birdsong...
0:14:13 > 0:14:19- Mrs Alexander's All Things Bright And Beautiful.- Yes. Instead it is a vicious struggle for survival...
0:14:19 > 0:14:26All animals are hungry and afraid and die before they get old and it's a miserable, hard life.
0:14:26 > 0:14:30- Unless they live in zoos.- A life they wouldn't expect in the wild.
0:14:30 > 0:14:37Maybe they could let them out of the zoo for a little bit and let them back in the circus.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41- Mmm...- I miss a dog pushing a pram. LAUGHTER
0:14:41 > 0:14:46- You...- Cirque du Soleil is all very well,
0:14:46 > 0:14:51- but an elephant counting. - You're pitching yourself in a tailcoat, tights and a top hat,
0:14:51 > 0:14:58- welcoming everybody to Circus X Factor Call Me A Nancy, aren't you?- No!- You are.
0:14:58 > 0:15:04You'd have to do the elephant's back story. "This is the elephant's last chance
0:15:04 > 0:15:07"for a career in show business." The elephant in tears.
0:15:07 > 0:15:14"He's doing this for his dead grandfather," and the elephant staring at a big pile of ivory.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16LAUGHTER
0:15:18 > 0:15:23- You are a sick puppy. - Give it some piano keys!
0:15:25 > 0:15:29The band's about to play for him and they go, "These?"
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Tactless.
0:15:31 > 0:15:36"Yeah, my grandad was in show business as well."
0:15:37 > 0:15:43Oddly enough, it seems that both girls and boys will take more pain from a woman.
0:15:43 > 0:15:49- They did calibrated tests of putting fingers in a clamp and... - What?!- ..both men and...
0:15:49 > 0:15:54- Who volunteers for that? - But you get to keep the clamp.
0:15:54 > 0:16:00- Now it all becomes clear. - You pay students. You say, "Say stop when you can't take it any more."
0:16:00 > 0:16:04In both women and men's cases, women could turn it further.
0:16:04 > 0:16:10Oddly enough, if there are pleasant pictures on the wall you can take more pain.
0:16:10 > 0:16:16- That's what art does for us all. - There's a wonderful thing called Stendhal Syndrome.
0:16:16 > 0:16:23- Oh, yes...- The idea that people are so overwhelmed by a piece of art, they faint.- Did we cover that?
0:16:23 > 0:16:25- No... - LAUGHTER
0:16:27 > 0:16:31That's the beauty. We can do the questions again and again.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34I go, "That rings a bell."
0:16:36 > 0:16:42Also painkillers have different effects. Right up until the 1990s,
0:16:42 > 0:16:49- drug companies did not test painkillers on women. - Because they complain, anyway.
0:16:50 > 0:16:56Oh, Jack, you're making friends(!) I fear... I think Jack better suffer for that one.
0:16:56 > 0:17:01Actually, women's ability to take different levels of pain alters
0:17:01 > 0:17:08in different stages of the menstrual cycle, so they said women were not a reliable test of painkillers...
0:17:08 > 0:17:14- We're all over the place. - ..but then the American FDA said, "This is not good enough
0:17:14 > 0:17:19- "and you must factor it in." - I've just come back from America.
0:17:19 > 0:17:23They have fantastic drugs. You can buy shedloads.
0:17:23 > 0:17:29I was in a chemist and I ended up not in the haemorrhoid section, but in the haemorrhoid aisle.
0:17:29 > 0:17:35Yes, it is astonishing. The size of those Walgreens and huge pharmacies. Unbelievable.
0:17:35 > 0:17:41- Absolutely staggering. - Is it embarrassing walking down the haemorrhoid aisle?
0:17:41 > 0:17:46It's bad enough if you have to ask for the stuff. Apparently.
0:17:46 > 0:17:50- "He likes to walk down the haemorrhoid aisle."- Yeah!
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Oh, dear.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59What about exactly an hour? Where did the hour...?
0:17:59 > 0:18:05Why did they decide on an hour? What was that? Why an hour?
0:18:05 > 0:18:10- Why not make half an hour an hour? - 24 is divisible in so many ways.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14- Very factorisable.- Divisible by 2 and 3 and 4 and 6 and 8.
0:18:14 > 0:18:20- So is 10.- It's only divisible by 1, 2, 5 and itself. - Only in one dimension.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24If you go into another dimension, you can do anything you like.
0:18:24 > 0:18:30- Unfortunately, we weren't in another dimension, Bill.- Oh! - I'm sorry.
0:18:30 > 0:18:37- Why was it important to divide 24 by 8?- No, it was to have as divisible a system as possible.
0:18:37 > 0:18:42- Why not have 100?- If you want to, you can have decimalised time.
0:18:42 > 0:18:47I'm going to make my own. I've got to cross two of these off!
0:18:47 > 0:18:52- Yeah.- Let's have a vote! - Which ones to cross off?
0:18:52 > 0:18:543 and 8.
0:18:54 > 0:19:01- Well, last night... - You can't have 1 to 10. We'll never have elevenses ever again.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04- Nineses!- Nineses?!- Nineses!
0:19:04 > 0:19:09- So how many hours are in your day? - 20.- 20 hours of daylight?
0:19:09 > 0:19:13- Nice and simple. Call it a hoorar. - Right, OK.
0:19:13 > 0:19:17- A hoorar.- A hoor! - A hoor?!- Hoor!
0:19:17 > 0:19:22- A strumpet!- That is a whore. - 20 strumpets!- Yeah.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Aye!
0:19:25 > 0:19:30- It was 12 hours because the Babylonians...- What do they know?
0:19:30 > 0:19:32They had a base 12 counting system.
0:19:32 > 0:19:36- But we have 10 fingers.- Yes. - And 10 toes.
0:19:36 > 0:19:41And you could count off the sections of time by using your digits.
0:19:41 > 0:19:45- What time is it? - One, two...
0:19:45 > 0:19:50- Three and a half. - Two minutes past four. What would that be, then? About six?- Yeah.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57There could be a line in merchandisable metric clocks.
0:19:57 > 0:20:04- It's the Bill Bailey QI metric clock.- Metric clock.- Yeah. - That's fine. That'll do me.
0:20:04 > 0:20:08- We've just done an hour on that topic.- By whose system?
0:20:08 > 0:20:16- I think you'll find it's an hour and a bit.- That can only mean one thing - time to move on!
0:20:16 > 0:20:21Where does the extra square in this diagram comes from?
0:20:21 > 0:20:24Those two are the same size.
0:20:24 > 0:20:29But there's a white square of bits missing. How can that be?
0:20:29 > 0:20:34- Because some of the triangles... - Have a look at it happening.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38That one goes there, that one goes there and there.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41Like so, like so, like so.
0:20:41 > 0:20:47- And now there's more space in there. - Yeah. But that can't be possible, can it?
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Yet my eyes tell me it is.
0:20:49 > 0:20:53- It's not even longer? No. - It's the same.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Yup, there it is.
0:20:55 > 0:20:59- It is a cheat. - That's witchcraft!- It is.
0:20:59 > 0:21:03Rather appropriately, it was a magician who discovered this.
0:21:03 > 0:21:09- It's five blocks high, the same number of blocks long. - It's a very small, subtle cheat.
0:21:09 > 0:21:15The hypotenuse seem to be the same, but they are curved, not straight.
0:21:15 > 0:21:20The red triangle has a ratio of 5:2, the blue is 8:3,
0:21:20 > 0:21:25- so the two triangles are not similar.- One has a bigger area?
0:21:25 > 0:21:31Exactly. One has a slightly dipped line. The eye assumes they're straight,
0:21:31 > 0:21:37and it's puzzled by that gap. Anyway, we thought you'd like that. It's quite interesting, isn't it?
0:21:37 > 0:21:44Curry's Paradox. Simply a trick. The gap appears as the hypotenuse is imperceptibly bent.
0:21:44 > 0:21:50- Curry's Paradox.- That's nice. - Should you buy the insurance?
0:21:50 > 0:21:53LAUGHTER
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Or just risk it?
0:21:55 > 0:21:59There are the lovely Osmonds. Aren't they lovely?
0:21:59 > 0:22:02- What teeth!- They were rubbish.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06Apart from Little Jimmy Osmond, a long-haired lover from Liverpool.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10And Big Graham Osmond, the one they kept in the attic.
0:22:13 > 0:22:21- Who had terrible teeth. - He had one massive one. - And he wrote all the songs.
0:22:22 > 0:22:28He groaned them into a tin can. It was connected by a piece of string.
0:22:28 > 0:22:29Aaaeiiee!
0:22:31 > 0:22:35# Wild horses...nyah! Nyah! #
0:22:35 > 0:22:39# Crazy horses! #
0:22:39 > 0:22:41HOWLING
0:22:43 > 0:22:47- You're very bad. - # Paper roses! #
0:22:47 > 0:22:51"What was that, Graham?" "Aa-oooh!"
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Behave.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Pull yourselves together at once.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00The Church...
0:23:00 > 0:23:04of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints...
0:23:04 > 0:23:07- What a great idea!- Aaa-ooyah!
0:23:07 > 0:23:12That's a great idea for Dr Who. Dr Who goes into the attic
0:23:12 > 0:23:18and finds the elderly secret brother of the Osmonds! And that's how they kill off David Tennant!
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Aaargh!
0:23:22 > 0:23:26- That's the Christmas show. - Played by Bill Bailey!
0:23:33 > 0:23:38- I was buying ties the other day... - I thought you had them selected.
0:23:38 > 0:23:44They said, "Do you want them in a bag or a box?" I said, "Bag, though if I'd asked for a box,
0:23:44 > 0:23:49"you could have said you spent the day tie boxing."
0:23:49 > 0:23:51- I know...- And we laughed(!)
0:23:51 > 0:23:56This is the gold you miss if you're not on the street where Stephen is.
0:23:56 > 0:24:00- All right, I regret it. At the time...- It's very nice.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04I bet you when he came round... LAUGHTER
0:24:05 > 0:24:09When he picked himself back up off the floor...
0:24:09 > 0:24:12"Shall I still put them in the box, sir?
0:24:14 > 0:24:17"Any more of them?"
0:24:17 > 0:24:20All right! Come up.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24- It was a light remark... - "Oh, I've gone!"
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Yeah.
0:24:28 > 0:24:32"Oh, I wish you came in here more often."
0:24:34 > 0:24:40- Why did it take 300 years to give the giant tortoise a scientific name?- A scientific name?
0:24:40 > 0:24:44i.e. the Latin name. It turned out to be Geochelone...
0:24:44 > 0:24:51- Is it because they thought that was pretty good, giant tortoise? - We'll leave it with that.
0:24:51 > 0:24:56No, I... I was going to say something that now is unusable.
0:24:56 > 0:25:01- I'm going to have to say it now. - Go on. Get on with it, man. - They thought...
0:25:01 > 0:25:04LAUGHTER
0:25:04 > 0:25:09- Better be good.- They thought it was a normal tortoise, but closer.
0:25:09 > 0:25:13- That's so sweet. - But I couldn't get that concept.
0:25:13 > 0:25:17Will it be further away or...? Further away would be a minute one.
0:25:17 > 0:25:23Would they mistake a quite far away normal one for a miniature one? Or would...?
0:25:23 > 0:25:27The thing that you're saying is that the tortoise...
0:25:29 > 0:25:32They go that way.
0:25:32 > 0:25:38If there was a tortoise over there that was giant, but I for some reason thought it was there,
0:25:38 > 0:25:42I wouldn't think it was giant. "It's just one there.
0:25:42 > 0:25:50- "Oh, my God! It's over there and it's massive!"- On a huge beach with no other points of reference.
0:25:50 > 0:25:55- That's not the reason. - Are they particularly litigious?
0:25:55 > 0:25:59"If you give me a name, I will sue you."
0:25:59 > 0:26:06- No, it wasn't that. They had another property that was most unfortunate for them.- The tortoises did?
0:26:06 > 0:26:10- Yeah.- They were edible. - They were SO edible. Anyone...
0:26:10 > 0:26:16Anyone who saw one couldn't stop to think of a name for it? They had to eat it straightaway?
0:26:16 > 0:26:22One of those... I don't know what they're called. Just get one. They're very good.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26There's no Latin name for pistachio nuts, either.
0:26:26 > 0:26:31No-one can be bothered. "Shut up with your Latin. Eat them!"
0:26:31 > 0:26:34No Latin name for Maltesers.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41LAUGHTER
0:26:41 > 0:26:46It's kind of true. None of them made it to London, to Europe.
0:26:46 > 0:26:51"This time, THIS time, we're going to take it."
0:26:51 > 0:26:54"Leave it. We're taking it back."
0:26:55 > 0:26:59There's a ferry coming in to Dover and a bloke going...
0:27:00 > 0:27:05Leaving the door where the tortoise was kept.
0:27:07 > 0:27:12"All right, look, there's nine. We'll eat eight. But absolutely..."
0:27:12 > 0:27:16And everyone's looking at it and going, "Come on..."
0:27:16 > 0:27:22The sea's becalmed, for days on end, and there's one tortoise left.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26"Come on, sir. Let's just go back and get some more."
0:27:27 > 0:27:32And the moment after they've eaten that last tortoise,
0:27:32 > 0:27:34they think, "We are..." LAUGHTER
0:27:36 > 0:27:38"I'm too full."
0:27:38 > 0:27:41Even Darwin on his last voyage,
0:27:41 > 0:27:47- there were dozens of them. - He collected every species in the world and ate that one.
0:27:47 > 0:27:51- They did.- "We've done all the butterflies, all the beetles..."
0:27:51 > 0:27:56The only descriptions compare them to chicken, beef, mutton and butter
0:27:56 > 0:28:01and say how much better they are than all of those things.
0:28:01 > 0:28:05No-one had ever eaten anything better.
0:28:05 > 0:28:09And the liver and the bone marrow. Every part of it was delicious.
0:28:09 > 0:28:14- Whereabouts are they from? - The tropics.- Are there flights?
0:28:16 > 0:28:20They are now protected! All 12 species!
0:28:20 > 0:28:26If they're that delicious, they can't be. "We've protected them. No need to look."
0:28:26 > 0:28:27Burp!
0:28:28 > 0:28:32Oops! But there were some that survived, however.
0:28:32 > 0:28:38- Let me tell you about a very extraordinary one.- That bloke is befriending that one.
0:28:38 > 0:28:44"Come over here, my pretty. I'm trying to think of a name for you."
0:28:57 > 0:29:01Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd - 2010
0:29:02 > 0:29:04Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk