0:00:28 > 0:00:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:32 > 0:00:38Gooooood evening! Good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:38 > 0:00:40and welcome to QI, where we have prepared for you
0:00:40 > 0:00:44a veritable gallimaufry of gaffes, gammons and other gingambobs.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48On the panel tonight we have the gotch-gutted Hugh Dennis.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:51 > 0:00:53What does that mean?
0:00:53 > 0:00:57A glimflashy grinagog, Phill Jupitus.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:59 > 0:01:03A gravy-eyed gundy-guts, Andy Hamilton.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:06 > 0:01:11And a proper gilly gaupus, Alan Davies.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:14 > 0:01:19And to attract my attention tonight, the buzzers are all on a Georgian theme. Hugh goes...
0:01:19 > 0:01:25OBOE PLAYS STATELY MELODY
0:01:25 > 0:01:26Ah. Andy goes...
0:01:26 > 0:01:31BASSOON PLAYS JAUNTY TUNE
0:01:31 > 0:01:32LAUGHTER
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Phill goes...
0:01:34 > 0:01:37JOLLY MELODY ON STRINGS AND FLUTE
0:01:37 > 0:01:38LAUGHTER
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Wow! And Alan goes...
0:01:45 > 0:01:48MUSIC: "When I'm Cleaning Windows" by George Formby
0:01:48 > 0:01:50LAUGHTER
0:01:50 > 0:01:52It's George Formby.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55# When I'm cleaning windows. #
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Yes, George Formby. Excellent.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59APPLAUSE
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Let's look at a notable gaffe now.
0:02:05 > 0:02:10How did Captain Schlitt's number two sink his own U-boat?
0:02:10 > 0:02:16I'm assuming that the good captain was in the bath. This couldn't have happened in an actual...
0:02:16 > 0:02:17No, it was a real...
0:02:17 > 0:02:19You mean playing with a toy U-boat?
0:02:19 > 0:02:20And it was a number two.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Oh, I see, a number two in that sense.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26- Yes.- Not in the "yes, number one, carry on, number one"...
0:02:26 > 0:02:30He might have blocked the loo and caused some sort of terrible backup...
0:02:30 > 0:02:32affected the ballast.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34- Imagine how the lavatory on a submarine works.- Ah!
0:02:34 > 0:02:38Sorry, a bit of a clue. A ruthless competitor!
0:02:38 > 0:02:40LAUGHTER
0:02:40 > 0:02:43It's something to do with the flush on the toilet.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46How does that work when you're underwater?
0:02:46 > 0:02:48It sucks it out, but lets water in?
0:02:48 > 0:02:54Yes. The point is that obviously the lavatory arrangements of a boat that is submersible are very complex.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58Because you can't just flush the water out, the way you can in an aeroplane or train,
0:02:58 > 0:03:02you have to have special training to operate the flush.
0:03:02 > 0:03:03Or...
0:03:03 > 0:03:08you shoot a sailor out of the torpedo tube, tied to a rope.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11He relieves himself, and you pull him back in.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Well, it seems that what happened
0:03:14 > 0:03:19was Captain Schlitt, in his U-boat, U-1206 - this is April 14, 1945,
0:03:19 > 0:03:22just before the end of the war...
0:03:22 > 0:03:25- Oh, how annoying. - Very annoying for him!
0:03:25 > 0:03:30And he has a poo. And he claims that the loo was faulty and didn't work properly.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Klo. Klo as they would say, klo...gebrochen.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36- IN GERMAN ACCENT: - It was not working.
0:03:37 > 0:03:42But there is a theory that, in fact, he'd just done a rather monster and unpleasant poo,
0:03:42 > 0:03:47and was too embarrassed to ask the sailor who was responsible for the doing of the flushing to come in.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Because there was a bit of a...
0:03:50 > 0:03:55And so he did it himself and got it in the wrong order and he filled the place with sewage and water.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57AUDIENCE GROANS
0:03:57 > 0:03:59- But more importantly... - He just left it?!- Yeah.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03As you would if you're in a hotel, for example!
0:04:03 > 0:04:07- IN GERMAN ACCENT:- There, it was...that was like that when I went in. It was...
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Ja, ja. Don't go in that one. My God!
0:04:12 > 0:04:15So has he climbed out of the tower of the submarine, and the...
0:04:15 > 0:04:19- No, they're underwater, that's the point.- Did they perish?
0:04:19 > 0:04:23Well, what happened is there was this leak, the water came in
0:04:23 > 0:04:27- and it leaked into... What powered those U-boats?- Diesel?
0:04:27 > 0:04:28No.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30They had a battery. A huge acid battery.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33And when the seawater hits the battery, it creates?
0:04:33 > 0:04:37Chlorine gas, toxic chlorine gas.
0:04:37 > 0:04:43And so they had to rise up to the surface to vent, and they were spotted and blown out of the water.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45So just because he basically...
0:04:45 > 0:04:49That's very unfair to shoot a man with his trousers round his ankles.
0:04:49 > 0:04:50It is a bit.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Toilet's blocked. This doesn't count!
0:04:54 > 0:04:59Captain Karl-Adolph Schlitt sank his own U-boat using nothing more deadly than its own lavatory.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Here are samples of handwriting from our panellists.
0:05:02 > 0:05:08I want you to match the handwriting to the panelistas and see what you can say about it.
0:05:08 > 0:05:12Give reasons if you can. Obviously don't say your own, cos you'll know your own.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14"Hello, my name is Phill Jupitus"?
0:05:15 > 0:05:18- I wonder who that could be. - I think there's a clue in that one.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22It's rather good handwriting. It's quite calligraphically learnt.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Any thoughts? What about, "I must not answer back to..."?
0:05:25 > 0:05:29- D is Phill.- D is Phill. I think there's a strong chance it's Phill.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32I know that D is Andy, cos he writes on my scripts...
0:05:32 > 0:05:34rude things,
0:05:34 > 0:05:36when we're filming.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Does he have that fine handwriting? It is very fine.
0:05:38 > 0:05:42- Yes, that is me.- Congratulations on fine handwriting.
0:05:42 > 0:05:47A graphologist would say of yours that cos it's mostly joined up, logical, systematic thinker.
0:05:47 > 0:05:51Some words are more spaced than others, therefore open, honest, but deep in thought.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Sociable because of the slightly forward slant to the right.
0:05:54 > 0:06:00- Right.- OK, that's good. We can eliminate D as being Andy Hamilton.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03I think C is Alan.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Because it's the untidiest?
0:06:05 > 0:06:07No, I just think it's Alan.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09- Don't know why.- Is it you, Alan?
0:06:09 > 0:06:11- Yes.- It is. Oh, that's really good.
0:06:11 > 0:06:12How did you know?
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Did you watch me doing it earlier?
0:06:15 > 0:06:20No, I just thought, "That looks like Alan wrote it."
0:06:21 > 0:06:25Which is the only way you can play this game.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Close lettering is unstable, apparently.
0:06:30 > 0:06:31Oh.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34- There wasn't much room on the bit of paper.- No? Ah...
0:06:34 > 0:06:36I had to squeeze it in to get it in.
0:06:36 > 0:06:41Letters not mostly joined up, sometimes does things without thinking.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43It was a big, fat pen! You can't do joined up.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45You gave me a marker pen!
0:06:45 > 0:06:48- B and A left.- I think Phill and I can probably work out...
0:06:48 > 0:06:51The logical thing. So B is Phill, yeah?
0:06:51 > 0:06:56- No.- B is Hugh. It's quite good handwriting. It's quite flowing,
0:06:56 > 0:06:59- quite feminine, almost. - Well, you know...
0:06:59 > 0:07:04I'm very in touch with that part of my nature.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08- It's very nice handwriting. - Does it say anything about me?- Yeah.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Joins up most, but not all letters. Artistic and intuitive.
0:07:10 > 0:07:15Self-control, egotism and coldness, on the other hand, because it's upright.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Why does being upright mean that?
0:07:17 > 0:07:22It doesn't. It must be understood, the British Psychological Society, and any empirical test ever done,
0:07:22 > 0:07:27has shown that graphology, as a way of interpreting character, has zero validity.
0:07:27 > 0:07:28Like astrology.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31- So this is a bit of a, kind of, non-round?- Yeah.
0:07:31 > 0:07:37But, no, it's interesting to know that. And even in America, it's not allowable in court.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Forensic...
0:07:39 > 0:07:40Sorry!
0:07:40 > 0:07:43I mean, you know, but...
0:07:44 > 0:07:51Forensic graphology, where you prove that this person did write this, that is allowable.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54But the idea that you can interpret character is absolute nonsense.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58I must say I'm not looking forward to the DNA round.
0:07:58 > 0:08:03The worrying thing about it is that 3,000 British businesses use graphologists for recruitment.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07They actually hire people on the basis of a completely specious...
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Good a way as any, though, isn't it?
0:08:10 > 0:08:11But it's botty water!
0:08:13 > 0:08:17Girls have nicer handwriting than boys, though, don't they?
0:08:17 > 0:08:21That is one thing you can often, not 100%, but you can tell gender.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24And you thought I was a girl!
0:08:24 > 0:08:25Not always. I said not 100%.
0:08:25 > 0:08:30We actually Tipp-Exed out the smiley-faced dots over the eyes.
0:08:30 > 0:08:35I like yours, Phill. You're A. It says here, about self-control, egotism, coldness,
0:08:35 > 0:08:38unstable, sometimes does things without thinking.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41- I'm with you there.- Yeah. Unstable. - Whoa!
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Thinking of having a fight as to who is the coldest.
0:08:43 > 0:08:48Let's both get a 99 and just stand there with it.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50First one to melt loses.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55- Whoa.- I thought I was cold.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Phew! He is cold. So you did a handwriting test?
0:08:58 > 0:09:02Yeah, I sat a test to become a French train driver.
0:09:02 > 0:09:03What?!
0:09:03 > 0:09:11My friend's dad was a psychologist for SNCF, and in France they had this idea that, you know,
0:09:11 > 0:09:16a responsible job like a train driver, you ought to find out if the person's a maniac or not.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18We don't bother with that. And...
0:09:18 > 0:09:22So I sat the test, and there was a handwriting element.
0:09:22 > 0:09:29What they did was, you had to hold the pen in your wrong hand, and there was a kind of rubber ring
0:09:29 > 0:09:33around the middle, and you had to try and trace over what was written there.
0:09:33 > 0:09:40If it drifted up the page, you were assertive, or possibly too aggressive.
0:09:40 > 0:09:45And if it went down the page, you were deemed to be too passive.
0:09:45 > 0:09:46Good Lord.
0:09:46 > 0:09:50I'm fascinated how you can drive a train too passively, though. What do you do?
0:09:50 > 0:09:55How can you be too passive? "Ooh, we're going terribly fast."
0:09:55 > 0:09:58- Ooh, no! - You're turning into Alan Bennett.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Well, there you are.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Now we're off to Ireland where the policemen are called...?
0:10:02 > 0:10:06- Guards.- Guards, the Garda, exactly. Did you hear about
0:10:06 > 0:10:11the Irish policeman who tried to arrest a Polish driving licence?
0:10:11 > 0:10:14Do you know this story? You do?
0:10:14 > 0:10:21- I sort of... Someone was done for speeding or something in lots of different parts of Ireland?- Yeah.
0:10:21 > 0:10:22That's exactly right.
0:10:22 > 0:10:27He had 50 offences against him and was fast becoming the most wanted motorist in Ireland.
0:10:27 > 0:10:33Prawo Jazdy is a master criminal because he had different driving licences with different addresses.
0:10:33 > 0:10:38- This Prawo Jazdy had all these... - Goodness knows what he was up to apart from the driving offences!
0:10:38 > 0:10:44That was what everyone was puzzled by. They really wanted him but it turned out one Garda member said...
0:10:44 > 0:10:46- IN IRISH ACCENT - "I think, I may be wrong,
0:10:46 > 0:10:50"but Prawo Jazdy is the Polish for driving licence."
0:10:50 > 0:10:56And, red faces all round, the Garda had... There it is - Prawo Jazdy.
0:10:57 > 0:11:03- Hang on a minute!- The fact it said "permis de conduire" above it might have been a hint, but there we are.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07They're still looking for his brother, Rzeczpospolita Polska.
0:11:07 > 0:11:12On the subject of driving licences, guess who had the first driving licence in the world.
0:11:12 > 0:11:13The Queen.
0:11:13 > 0:11:18- No, oddly enough, you couldn't be WRONGERER because the Queen has...? - No driving licence.
0:11:18 > 0:11:19No driving licence.
0:11:19 > 0:11:24- She's the only person in Britain who doesn't have a driving licence, yet who drives.- Cheat!
0:11:24 > 0:11:30I mean, in a legal way. She's the only one who has no legal need for a driving licence.
0:11:30 > 0:11:35What does she show them at Blockbusters to prove her address?
0:11:35 > 0:11:38A twenty pound note.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40That would do it.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43APPLAUSE
0:11:43 > 0:11:49Well, no, but the first ever driving licence, not surprisingly, perhaps. Who invented the motorcar?
0:11:49 > 0:11:55- Mr Benz.- Mr Benz, Karl Benz, as in Mercedes-Benz. Yeah, exactly.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58- He just made one for himself, did he?- No, the citizens demand...
0:11:58 > 0:12:03- IN GERMAN ACCENT: - I think I need a licence! It's a dangerous machine.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07I need a licence to drive.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Now I can drive.
0:12:09 > 0:12:16- IN GERMAN ACCENT: Driving licence number one. - Zero zero zero one.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19ANDY: I bet the first thing he did when he got on the road
0:12:19 > 0:12:21was stop the next bloke and go...
0:12:21 > 0:12:24IN GERMAN ACCENT: "Where is YOUR licence?"
0:12:24 > 0:12:26- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Oh, dear.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30- IN GERMAN ACCENT: - I will issue you with the licence.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33It's five marks.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Zero zero zero TWO!
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Good day to you!
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Where is your licence?
0:12:42 > 0:12:45I will issue you with a licence.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Five marks.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51Zero zero zero three.
0:12:51 > 0:12:56- I don't know how he kept making the cars.- Yeah, he was so busy!
0:12:56 > 0:13:00The authorising body was called the Dampfkessel Uberwachungs-Verein,
0:13:00 > 0:13:03which means the Steam Boiler Supervision Association,
0:13:03 > 0:13:06which granted the first mandatory licences in Prussia.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08- IN GERMAN ACCENT: - The SS...A.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10LAUGHTER
0:13:10 > 0:13:16- Until the 14th of May, 2002, women in Lithu... - He was still doing it!- No.
0:13:16 > 0:13:21Number one million one thousand...
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Five euros.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Where is your licence?
0:13:26 > 0:13:29LAUGHTER
0:13:29 > 0:13:34In Lithuania in that year, women had to undergo a certain test in order to get a licence.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38- What do you think that test was? - In where? Lithuania?- Yes.- Smear test?
0:13:38 > 0:13:42- Yes, a gynaecological examination. - You're joking!
0:13:42 > 0:13:48- I don't know... There was one man who ran the entire office. He paid...- Oh, right.
0:13:48 > 0:13:56- It is rather bizarre.- Well... - The Chinese have multiple choice driving test questions, 100 of them.
0:13:56 > 0:14:02One of them includes, "If you come across a road accident victim whose intestines are lying on the road,
0:14:02 > 0:14:07"should you pick them up and push them back in?" Is the answer yes or no?
0:14:07 > 0:14:12- I should think you don't push them back in...- You're right.- ..I would have thought. I'm not a doctor!
0:14:12 > 0:14:16Didn't they have that weird thing in the Cultural Revolution in China?
0:14:16 > 0:14:20Traffic lights here are green for go and red for stop.
0:14:20 > 0:14:25They thought, during the Cultural Revolution, that that was incorrect and red should mean go
0:14:25 > 0:14:28because, culturally, Communism and all the rest of it...
0:14:28 > 0:14:31But they failed to change all the traffic lights,
0:14:31 > 0:14:36so on some traffic lights green was go and on some red was go and they had thousands of accidents
0:14:36 > 0:14:43- and then they had to, sort of, change it back.- Wow. Hence the probability of intestines lying on the road.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46- Probably where it came from in the first place.- A practical question.
0:14:46 > 0:14:50- They're not actually green. They're kind of blue.- Yes, they can be.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Because red and green is a very common colour blindness,
0:14:53 > 0:15:00so when they first did red and green it was a disaster for some people, just carried straight on.
0:15:00 > 0:15:04- They couldn't tell whether it was the top or the bottom. - No, so the green...
0:15:04 > 0:15:08- If I see a black and white film, I can tell which light's on, can't you?- But not in the dark, Stephen!
0:15:08 > 0:15:13- You are relying on the colour, let's face it, usually. - You're right. I'm sorry.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17Can we not argue? That is what the terrorists want.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19You're right!
0:15:19 > 0:15:23Thank you, voice of sanity.
0:15:23 > 0:15:28I did hear a character in a film once say, "Don't look at the lights, the lights never hit anyone."
0:15:28 > 0:15:31- That's quite a good motto for driving.- It is.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34- IN GERMAN ACCENT: - This is one I will use!
0:15:34 > 0:15:38Don't look at ze lights, ze lights never hit anyone.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Ausgezeichnet.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45We're motoring along nicely here, so can you tell me
0:15:45 > 0:15:50what travels from Land's End to John O'Groats every year
0:15:50 > 0:15:57at about one third of a mile per hour but it slows down a bit on hills?
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Does it specifically go from there to there or...?
0:16:00 > 0:16:06- It goes from the south to the north but it includes going from Land's End...- Is it a tectonic wave or..?
0:16:06 > 0:16:10- No, not a tectonic wave. - I don't know if they exist. I just made it up, I think.
0:16:10 > 0:16:16It's something slightly more abstract. It's a phenomenon, which you were sort of getting towards.
0:16:16 > 0:16:17Is it dress sense?
0:16:19 > 0:16:26- If we're talking about moving from the south to the north...- Ooh, careful! Now, now. Now, then.
0:16:26 > 0:16:30- The Gulf Stream or something? Is it a windy thing?- It's seasonal. It is a season.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32- Winter?- Spring.
0:16:32 > 0:16:38Spring is the answer. Spring takes eight weeks to get from the very south coast
0:16:38 > 0:16:42- all the way up to the very north and up to the Orkneys. - But what's the definition of spring?
0:16:42 > 0:16:48There's a phenotype analysis you can do of particular common plants blooming.
0:16:48 > 0:16:53Anyone from the Midlands who goes to London will say, "Oh, my God, they've already got daffodils out."
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Or they'll go north and say, "They haven't got tulips yet."
0:16:55 > 0:16:59- It's very noticeable. - "Southern bastards"!
0:16:59 > 0:17:01It's like when the weatherman on Radio Four goes,
0:17:01 > 0:17:05"You might like to make note that it's the first day of spring today."
0:17:05 > 0:17:13IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: No, it's not! I think you'll find I'm still freezing here.
0:17:13 > 0:17:14Eight miles a day it does? Spring?
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Is that what we're saying?
0:17:17 > 0:17:23It takes about eight weeks to get from John O'Groats and that's about a third of a mile per hour.
0:17:23 > 0:17:29- You could walk and just beat spring. - Yeah.- You could. It's a weird thought. Very weird.
0:17:29 > 0:17:35If you timed it with a daffodil and walked at exactly the right speed, it'd go pop-pop-pop-pop.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37And it would be rather beautiful.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41I'm in touch with my feminine side!
0:17:41 > 0:17:44You're responding to your handwriting beautifully.
0:17:44 > 0:17:49It's the phenological observations, as they call them, of the various things that trigger spring.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53It's a rather wonderful thought, spring moving up like that.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Why do birds fly south in the winter?
0:17:55 > 0:17:58- I thought you were going to sing Close To You!- To go to Margate.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00- Because it's too far to walk.- Bah.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04They're going because it's warmer presumably, aren't they?
0:18:04 > 0:18:08- What's the advantage of the warmth? - Well, you feel nicer.
0:18:08 > 0:18:13- More food to eat.- There's nothing like the sun on your feathers.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16It's the insects. In the north, in the frozen earth, you can't get at them
0:18:16 > 0:18:22or they've died or are in a dormant state and are not available. Food for the birds is not there.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24So it is food.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Spring travels north through Britain at around one third of a mile per hour
0:18:26 > 0:18:30but arrives two days later for every hundred foot of elevation.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32What's the point of those machines?
0:18:32 > 0:18:38Ah. That's an eternally filling glass in the middle. Never empty.
0:18:38 > 0:18:43- Perpetual motion.- Oh, points to the man, absolutely! They're all perpetual motion machines.
0:18:43 > 0:18:47Or attempts to design perpetual motion machines. What is a perpetual motion machine?
0:18:47 > 0:18:52- One that never stops? One that is in motion in perpetuity, Stephen.- Yes.
0:18:52 > 0:18:58- You're asking a silly question. Think, boy!- There's more to it - there must be no input of energy.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01No energy in, but you should be able to get energy out.
0:19:01 > 0:19:05Because it's moving. And it transgresses what law?
0:19:05 > 0:19:09- Thermodynamics.- The first and second laws of thermodynamics.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13There's a Simpsons episode where Lisa builds a perpetual motion machine.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Homer says, "In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!"
0:19:16 > 0:19:20It is a great line but the point is they can never work.
0:19:20 > 0:19:25Leonardo actually did drawings of attempted perpetual motion machines.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28- He realised...- He's drawn a chocolate orange on the top.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31Oh, yes!
0:19:31 > 0:19:35How boring have you got to be to draw a diagram of how to take a chocolate orange apart?
0:19:35 > 0:19:39He invented a lot of things, but I didn't know he invented that.
0:19:39 > 0:19:45He wrote in his notebook, "Oh, ye seekers after perpetual motion, how many vain chimeras have you pursued?
0:19:45 > 0:19:47"Go and take your place with the alchemists."
0:19:47 > 0:19:53So he spotted quite early on that it was never going to work. Sadly, our universe is not made in such a way.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56You'd only need one and you could power the world from it, in theory.
0:19:56 > 0:20:03- You only need one and you could power the world from it!- Sorry, Mr Bond.
0:20:03 > 0:20:09That brings us now, grumbling to the gizzards of general ignorance,
0:20:09 > 0:20:11so fingers on buzzers, if you would.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15Take a child and give them a really sugary drink. What happens?
0:20:15 > 0:20:18I haven't got any kids. I've no idea.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:20 > 0:20:25But, speaking as an uncle,
0:20:25 > 0:20:30I'm often discouraged from giving them too much chocolate because they go, in quotes, mental.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33- Aah, right.- Is that it?
0:20:33 > 0:20:35No, it's odd.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Almost every mother watching this will disbelieve me
0:20:38 > 0:20:43when I say that medical evidence shows that sugary drinks do not cause hyperactivity.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46They do NOT cause... I know, it's shocking.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49You're all going, "You should see mine. It does. I swear to you, it does!"
0:20:49 > 0:20:54- It doesn't.- Maybe it's just any sort of fuel so if you gave them a drink of water or an apple...
0:20:54 > 0:20:58You do test the children who do this by giving them drinks which have no sugar at all,
0:20:58 > 0:21:01though the parents THINK they have sugar...
0:21:01 > 0:21:04- It's the parents that change! - The parents PERCEIVE it.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08And the parents who perceive it are the ones who most hover over their children
0:21:08 > 0:21:11and are most critical of their children's behaviour anyway.
0:21:11 > 0:21:18- They're the ones who apparently notice it.- Was this research funded by Coca Cola?
0:21:18 > 0:21:23We trialled this question on the QI website and none of the mothers believed us.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27They all said, "I don't care what the scientists say, my child goes nuts."
0:21:27 > 0:21:31I don't believe it, either, but then I am very in touch with my feminine side.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Kids dip quite quickly anyway, don't they?
0:21:33 > 0:21:38If you keep giving them something to snack on, they'll go up again.
0:21:38 > 0:21:43That's how it works with my nephews. They run around for a bit, then go, "Oh... Uh... Oh..."
0:21:43 > 0:21:47They go, "Ugh, I want to go home." The you give them a sandwich and they go, "We're up!"
0:21:47 > 0:21:53It seems to be quite hard work keeping an even keel through the day.
0:21:53 > 0:21:54I think that's generally true.
0:21:54 > 0:21:59We know you won't believe us, but sugary drinks don't make children hyperactive.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01That's why we call it general ignorance.
0:22:01 > 0:22:05However, what happens if you leave teeth in a glass of cola overnight?
0:22:05 > 0:22:08They completely dissolve and disappear.
0:22:08 > 0:22:12KLAXON WAILS
0:22:12 > 0:22:14No, it turns out they don't.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17There was a famous occasion in 1951.
0:22:17 > 0:22:21A doctor appeared before the House Of Representatives special committee.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24He was called Clive McKay of Cornell University.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28To dramatise his testimony, he said that a tooth left in a glass of Coke
0:22:28 > 0:22:31would begin to dissolve after two days.
0:22:31 > 0:22:35Even if his claims were accurate, it is of absolutely no relevance whatsoever
0:22:35 > 0:22:41- because you don't soak your teeth in it.- Isn't that the one that cleans your money?
0:22:41 > 0:22:45- I believe it does.- HP sauce.- That's really good at cleaning money.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48- It's the vinegar - that's what does it.- Is that it?!- Yeah.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52All that money I've been wasting on HP sauce...!
0:22:52 > 0:22:57I used to drink a lot of Coke in my early teens and my mum used to say,
0:22:57 > 0:23:02"You shouldn't drink Coke because it stains the inside of your stomach."
0:23:02 > 0:23:05LAUGHTER
0:23:05 > 0:23:08- That's going to put the girls off, isn't it(?)- Yeah.
0:23:08 > 0:23:14- How do you know that's not true? - You don't but you think, "If I ever see the inside of my stomach,
0:23:14 > 0:23:18"it's probably going to be a bit late to worry about what colour it is."
0:23:18 > 0:23:23I can't wait, Andy. I don't like to talk about a friend's death but at your post-mortem...
0:23:23 > 0:23:29- Look at this terrible stained intestine...- Coke-coloured tripe.
0:23:29 > 0:23:35My goodness. Well, they do cause tooth decay but not as much, as we discovered in a previous QI, as...?
0:23:35 > 0:23:37- Jam.- No.
0:23:37 > 0:23:42- Crisps, potato crisps. There is far more tooth decay caused by them.- No!
0:23:42 > 0:23:46- Yes.- Because they stay on your teeth?- Yeah, they stay there and hang around.
0:23:46 > 0:23:53Here's one you might actually believe. Name an ape that walks just on two feet and isn't human.
0:23:53 > 0:23:57- Because we obviously walk on two feet rather than on our hands. - Only on two feet?
0:23:57 > 0:24:00- Yeah, it doesn't...- Orang-utan?- No.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03KLAXON WAILS
0:24:03 > 0:24:09- They use the back of their hands, like this.- Is it a monkey with a tail? I seem to remember seeing...
0:24:09 > 0:24:17- A monkey with a tail? - It's got a tail for balancing. - We need more from you there, Phill!
0:24:17 > 0:24:21- Baboon, gibbon, chimp... - Oh, you've said it! - Baboon.- No.- Gibbon, chimp.- Yes.
0:24:21 > 0:24:25KLAXON WAILS
0:24:25 > 0:24:30- Gibbon is the right answer. - The funky gibbon, in particular. - The funky gibbon especially.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Here are some gibbon.
0:24:32 > 0:24:38Look at it go! Look at it go! It looks so shifty, like it's just nicked something.
0:24:38 > 0:24:42It looked like he had the Mission: Impossible music in his head.
0:24:42 > 0:24:46- I can do this - do-do...- That's rather good, isn't it? - That's Russell Brand!
0:24:46 > 0:24:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:52 > 0:24:58- Do they do that just to taunt the other apes?- They probably do. - "Can you do this? I can."
0:24:58 > 0:25:03It's considered to be a more primitive way of walking, the way we do and gibbons do.
0:25:03 > 0:25:07Seems to have been earlier than the four. I know, that's weird.
0:25:07 > 0:25:08Let's finish with an easy one.
0:25:08 > 0:25:13I want you to sort these creatures and phenomena into age order.
0:25:13 > 0:25:17Which is the oldest? Oldest to youngest.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19- I'd put A first.- The Himalayas.
0:25:19 > 0:25:23- Yeah.- Hmm.- No, they're quite young, that's why they're tall.
0:25:23 > 0:25:29- Tall mountains are young because they haven't been worn down...- They are the youngest thing on the board.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32They are the youngest of all. They're ONLY 20 million years old.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34I think D, C, B, A.
0:25:34 > 0:25:41- D, C, B, A is not bad...- D, C, A, B. - It's actually C, D, B, A.- Oh, right.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44The oldest is the spider, then the cockroach,
0:25:44 > 0:25:48then the triceratops, then the "Himalias" or Himalayas.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52In fact, it's quite interesting, which is, after all, our business.
0:25:52 > 0:25:58Ants are contemporaneous with dinosaurs but cockroaches pre-date them by at least 55 million years
0:25:58 > 0:26:01and spiders are even older - 300 million years ago.
0:26:01 > 0:26:05If the spider's first, what did it catch?
0:26:05 > 0:26:07- LAUGHTER - Damn, that's good.
0:26:07 > 0:26:12- Flies, but not cockroaches. - So the fly was first?
0:26:12 > 0:26:16Ha! Which came first, the spider or the fly? A really good question.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19There's a lot of webs and spiders going, "Come on."
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Out of innocent ignorance, childish wisdom spills out.
0:26:22 > 0:26:29I'm only teasing, you know! No, the dinosaurs lived from the Late Triassic, 230 million years ago,
0:26:29 > 0:26:32to the Cretaceous, 65 million years ago.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35And Mount Everest was only 25 million years.
0:26:35 > 0:26:39So it's 25 million years younger than the youngest dinosaur.
0:26:39 > 0:26:44- Hmm.- A whippersnapper. - That looks like the pictures from the worst spelling book ever.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46LAUGHTER
0:26:46 > 0:26:49There's a DOCKROACH in the corner
0:26:49 > 0:26:51and I saw a BINOSAUR...
0:26:51 > 0:26:54LAUGHTER
0:26:54 > 0:26:56..and Alp. Alp, Alp! I get Alp!
0:26:56 > 0:26:59That's very good.
0:26:59 > 0:27:00Well done, everybody.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04The Himal-ee-as or Himal-eye-as or Hima-lay-las...
0:27:04 > 0:27:06or the Himalayas, as human beings say...
0:27:06 > 0:27:08LAUGHTER
0:27:08 > 0:27:12The Himalayas have only been around for 40 million years.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15The last dinosaurs died out 25 million years before they were formed.
0:27:15 > 0:27:20Spiders and cockroaches are even older than dinosaurs. That's it. Let's look at the scores.
0:27:20 > 0:27:25Oh, my goodness gracious me! We have a clear winner with plus four points, would you believe?
0:27:25 > 0:27:27- Hugh Dennis! - APPLAUSE
0:27:27 > 0:27:31A good score. Thank you very much.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33But also in the black with plus two,
0:27:33 > 0:27:35- it's Andy Hamilton!- Gosh! - APPLAUSE
0:27:35 > 0:27:37That's never happened before!
0:27:37 > 0:27:4017 behind, with minus 15,
0:27:40 > 0:27:42- Phill Jupitus! - APPLAUSE
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Aw! Oof!
0:27:44 > 0:27:49Oh, and way down with the cockroaches at minus 56, Alan Davies!
0:27:49 > 0:27:52- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Thank you.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00So it's farewell from Hugh, Andy, Phill, Alan and myself.
0:28:00 > 0:28:05I'll leave you with the story of a couple who went to the Natural History Museum
0:28:05 > 0:28:09and they saw the big dinosaur skeleton and asked the attendant how old it was
0:28:09 > 0:28:13and he said, "It's 65 million, 14 years and 3 months old."
0:28:13 > 0:28:18They said, "That's amazing. Is that carbon dating? How can you tell so precisely?"
0:28:18 > 0:28:22He said, "No. When I first came here, they told me it was 65 million years old
0:28:22 > 0:28:24"and I've been here 14 years and three months."
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Thank you. Good night.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29APPLAUSE
0:28:44 > 0:28:47Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:47 > 0:28:50E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk