0:00:28 > 0:00:30APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:31 > 0:00:36Goo-oo-oo-ood evening!
0:00:36 > 0:00:39And welcome to tonight's QI.
0:00:39 > 0:00:44Tonight we have a higgledy-piggledy hodgepodge of things beginning with H.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Joining me tonight are the humongous Phill Jupitus...
0:00:47 > 0:00:48APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:52 > 0:00:55The hyperbolic Ross Noble...
0:00:55 > 0:00:57APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:00 > 0:01:02The hygienic Jack Dee...
0:01:02 > 0:01:04APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:08 > 0:01:10And ho-hum, it's Alan Davies.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:16 > 0:01:21So, any time you want to say "Hi", give me a bell. And Jack goes...
0:01:21 > 0:01:23CHURCH BELL TOLLS
0:01:24 > 0:01:25And Phill goes...
0:01:25 > 0:01:27BICYCLE BELL TINGS
0:01:28 > 0:01:29And Ross goes...
0:01:29 > 0:01:31CLOSE HARMONY: Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Ring-a-ding-a-ding-a ring-ring-ring ring-a-ding!
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Thank you. And Alan goes...
0:01:36 > 0:01:38"GENERAL IGNORANCE" KLAXON
0:01:38 > 0:01:40LAUGHTER
0:01:43 > 0:01:47I'm sorry. I'm so, so not sorry.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50So. Let's give this pudding a stir, gentlemen.
0:01:50 > 0:01:54Why do bankers like long-haired men...
0:01:54 > 0:01:57ROSS: Ooh, hello.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Is there any need for that? Really.
0:01:59 > 0:02:04I mean, come on. And the scariest thing is, I'm wearing the same shirt.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06You are!
0:02:06 > 0:02:07That is appalling, isn't it?
0:02:07 > 0:02:11I've got to hand it to you, Ross, you've got lovely legs.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13- ALAN: - Oh, I've only just noticed you...
0:02:13 > 0:02:15LAUGHTER
0:02:19 > 0:02:24The full question is why do bankers like long-haired men and short-skirted women?
0:02:24 > 0:02:25BICYCLE BELL TINGS
0:02:25 > 0:02:26Bi-curious.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28LAUGHTER
0:02:29 > 0:02:33Is it like when you're in the bank, and you sort of like, lean forward
0:02:33 > 0:02:39and the hair just brushes off all the little receipt stubs, like that?
0:02:39 > 0:02:41LAUGHTER
0:02:41 > 0:02:45And the bankers are sat there going, "Brilliant. I don't have to go around and clean that up."
0:02:45 > 0:02:47It's like a sort of a reverse hoover.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Right, OK. Fair enough.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52What do financiers look for? When are they happiest?
0:02:52 > 0:02:54When they're rolling in money!
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Yes, and when do they earn more money?
0:02:56 > 0:02:58In the summer?
0:02:58 > 0:03:00- LAUGHTER - No...
0:03:00 > 0:03:02- In the sixties. - LAUGHTER
0:03:02 > 0:03:03Yes!
0:03:03 > 0:03:05What's the word for a period of prosperity?
0:03:05 > 0:03:08- Boom.- As opposed to a bust or a recession.
0:03:08 > 0:03:14Now, it just so happens that throughout the 20th century, the length of
0:03:14 > 0:03:17women's skirts in fashion was exactly correlated
0:03:17 > 0:03:22to the rise and fall of the stock market.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26Skirts got shorter and shorter, right up to the Wall Street Crash,
0:03:26 > 0:03:32the flapper skirts, and then instantly skirt lengths got longer again during the Depression.
0:03:32 > 0:03:37And the long hair is... Correspondingly, long hair means a boom?
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Yes, it's a negative correlation.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42The further down the hair, the further UP the market.
0:03:42 > 0:03:47Anyway, it seems that according to hemline theory, girls' hemlines
0:03:47 > 0:03:53go up as the market goes up, and so when a banker looks at a girl's legs his mind is strictly on business.
0:03:53 > 0:03:59Now, what starts with H and means that you'll always be the bridesmaid and never the bride?
0:03:59 > 0:04:01BICYCLE BELL TINGS
0:04:01 > 0:04:03- Phill Jupitus.- Hepatitis C.
0:04:03 > 0:04:04LAUGHTER
0:04:07 > 0:04:09APPLAUSE
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Oh...!
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Oddly enough, you're surprisingly close...
0:04:16 > 0:04:18BICYCLE BELL TINGS
0:04:18 > 0:04:19Herpes.
0:04:19 > 0:04:20LAUGHTER
0:04:20 > 0:04:23You got the right first and last letter.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26- Halitosis?- Halitosis is the right answer.- Is it right?
0:04:26 > 0:04:28I could have got the laugh in the first place.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30LAUGHTER
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Halitosis was made up. It was made up by...
0:04:33 > 0:04:37- Listerine.- By the company that made Listerine, Lambert Pharmacal.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41And they had this product that they named after Joseph Lister,
0:04:41 > 0:04:45the father of antiseptic surgery, who made everybody wash everything.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48And they used it first of all as an antiseptic, and then -
0:04:48 > 0:04:52without changing the formula - it was for washing floors,
0:04:52 > 0:04:53and then it was a cure for gonorrhoea...
0:04:53 > 0:04:56and then they thought, "We'll call it a mouthwash."
0:04:56 > 0:04:58The same thing!
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Was there a point where that...was combined?
0:05:01 > 0:05:05It was like a gonorrhoea thing - "Actually, my mouth's quite...
0:05:05 > 0:05:08"Oh, me halitosis has gone, then." LAUGHTER
0:05:08 > 0:05:11They invented essentially this new product.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Mouthwash had never existed before, there'd never been a need for it.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16And so they had to invent a problem for it to solve.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18And they started this campaign,
0:05:18 > 0:05:21saying, you know, "Hotel clerks say that
0:05:21 > 0:05:24"one in three guests who checks in have halitosis,"
0:05:24 > 0:05:28and dentists saying, "83% of patients have halitosis,"
0:05:28 > 0:05:32and people began to get very nervous about their breath.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Of course, people have dog breath, let's be honest.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37And dogs, I dare say, have people breath.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40- How can you tell someone? - It's so difficult.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43That was part of... That was one of their campaigns, actually.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46That's why packets of mints were invented.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49If someone's offering me a mint, that's definitely...
0:05:49 > 0:05:51LAUGHTER
0:05:51 > 0:05:55It's true. These were the kind of things they used as advertising slogans.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57They went from a tiny company to a vast one.
0:05:57 > 0:06:01By inventing a name for something that was quite...
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Kind of calling it a disease, and people thought,
0:06:03 > 0:06:06"I've got halitosis, and this is a medical product that will deal with it."
0:06:06 > 0:06:12And no-one before... People had probably eaten things to sweeten their breath before,
0:06:12 > 0:06:14but er...
0:06:14 > 0:06:16I had a picture taken once with a koala...
0:06:16 > 0:06:18LAUGHTER
0:06:21 > 0:06:23You could just leave that there.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25LAUGHTER
0:06:25 > 0:06:28It was eating eucalyptus leaves, like they do, which are poisonous,
0:06:28 > 0:06:32but they've got a 48-mile intestine or something and they can digest it.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34But its breath was amazing.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38- It's sweet. It's lovely, isn't it? - It was pure eucalyptus.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40And even their fur smells lovely. It is gorgeous.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43It was really amazing. It looked a bit...
0:06:43 > 0:06:45LAUGHTER
0:06:46 > 0:06:48"You're great, koala...!"
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Is that the excuse you used when you started putting the moves on it?
0:06:51 > 0:06:53LAUGHTER
0:06:55 > 0:06:57"Koala started it. It was cuddling me.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01"Next thing you know - beautiful breath, I thought I'd have a go."
0:07:01 > 0:07:03None of that happened!
0:07:04 > 0:07:06You SAY it didn't happen.
0:07:06 > 0:07:11So if you had a really bad throat, could you get a koala bear and put it a big bowl and a tea towel...
0:07:11 > 0:07:13LAUGHTER
0:07:13 > 0:07:15That would be a way to cure it.
0:07:15 > 0:07:16You wouldn't want your wife coming in.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19No, no. "Sorry, darling, he just frothed in my mouth."
0:07:19 > 0:07:21- LAUGHTER - Oh!
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Oh, Lord!
0:07:24 > 0:07:27AUSSIE ACCENT: "Why not buy one of my outback inhalers?
0:07:27 > 0:07:29"They're cuddly and gorgeous."
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Just suckin' on a koala.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36- "Here he comes now, the little..." - HE INHALES
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Australian asthmatics! Going, "Oh, dear... Getting the koala out."
0:07:39 > 0:07:41LAUGHTER
0:07:41 > 0:07:45That would have been brilliant if in Star Wars when they're taking off Vader's helmet
0:07:45 > 0:07:47he just had a koala in there.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51HE INHALES LIKE DARTH VADER "Oh, that's better."
0:07:51 > 0:07:53LAUGHTER
0:07:53 > 0:07:56So - halitosis was invented by an advertising agency to shift mouthwash.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00Now, why would a hoplophobe be particularly nervous
0:08:00 > 0:08:06of a Sturmgewehr vierundvierzig with a Krummlauf modification?
0:08:07 > 0:08:09BICYCLE BELL TINGS
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Cos he was French.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13LAUGHTER
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Yeah, kind of... It is of course a German something -
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Sturmgewehr 44.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Is it a firearm?
0:08:20 > 0:08:21- It is a firearm.- A machine gun?
0:08:21 > 0:08:23- It's not a machine gun.- No?
0:08:23 > 0:08:26- Funnily enough...I have one. - MAN: Assault rifle?
0:08:26 > 0:08:30Oh, assault rifle. Somebody speaks German there. Sturmgewehr.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32That was slightly scary, wasn't it?
0:08:32 > 0:08:33LAUGHTER
0:08:33 > 0:08:37- You know you said that out loud?! - "It's an assault rifle..."
0:08:38 > 0:08:41"I've got eight in my bunker."
0:08:41 > 0:08:43LAUGHTER
0:08:43 > 0:08:46"I can't tell you where, it's a secret location."
0:08:46 > 0:08:49"I've got hundreds of these as well."
0:08:49 > 0:08:50"Come the day..."
0:08:50 > 0:08:53- Would you like to see one? - "Come the day..."
0:08:53 > 0:08:55LAUGHTER
0:08:55 > 0:08:56"..we'll be ready."
0:08:56 > 0:09:00- They're very big, very heavy...- All your Christmases have come at once.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02You've got no idea what you're doing.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05There's the Sturmgewehr, which is a German
0:09:05 > 0:09:09Second World War assault rifle. The first assault rifle there ever was.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13- But the Krummlauf is the interesting part.- Oh, I can see it.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16The Krummlauf is this modification...
0:09:16 > 0:09:18They don't like it up 'em(!)
0:09:18 > 0:09:19LAUGHTER
0:09:19 > 0:09:22So...this is a genuine article.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24It's brought to us by our very nice friends
0:09:24 > 0:09:26from the Royal Armouries in Leeds,
0:09:26 > 0:09:29it's going to spend the night in the Tower of London tonight,
0:09:29 > 0:09:31and this is this extraordinary Krummlauf...
0:09:31 > 0:09:35- You can shoot over the trench.- You shoot over a wall or round a corner,
0:09:35 > 0:09:38and this is a periscope. And so if I'm here, I can actually...
0:09:38 > 0:09:42I assure you, it HAS been deactivated.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45There's no chance, it's been checked and double-checked, but I can see
0:09:45 > 0:09:48the audience in my... And I can see the sights as well in the periscope.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52Yes, it's been converted into a waterer for flower baskets.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54I can point at the back row of the audience,
0:09:54 > 0:09:57or, as you rightly say, round a corner.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00But there's another gun, isn't there, that actually shoots round a corner.
0:10:00 > 0:10:04Yes, the Israeli army uses that. We might even have a picture of it.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06It's a much more modern development.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09There it is. That really is extraordinary.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12And behind, though, is the first of its kind, a very simple invention,
0:10:12 > 0:10:16an Australian invention in the First World War, where you see a genuine
0:10:16 > 0:10:18rifle on top of the trench and a thing holding it
0:10:18 > 0:10:20and a periscope, looking through the sight.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23- Quite clever. - But, much cooler just to go...
0:10:23 > 0:10:26- Oh, yes. You're so right. - LAUGHTER
0:10:26 > 0:10:30There it is. 1943 it was invented, they started making them in '44.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34It was too late - Jerry didn't win the war, as you probably know.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36We gave them a bit of an old spanking, in fact.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38LAUGHTER
0:10:38 > 0:10:42But this was in great demand for the Panzer people, in their tanks...
0:10:42 > 0:10:47Please tell me on the other side of the desk you've got the left-handed one.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49ROSS: That one that goes round the corner -
0:10:49 > 0:10:52do they have ones that go that way and ones that go that way?
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Cos that would really annoy you if you ran up and you went, "Oh, no..."
0:10:55 > 0:10:57LAUGHTER
0:10:58 > 0:11:00"I've got to go all the way round the block!"
0:11:00 > 0:11:02LAUGHTER
0:11:04 > 0:11:07It was invented by a man called Hans-Joachim Shayede,
0:11:07 > 0:11:09who was a washing machine manufacturer, in fact...
0:11:09 > 0:11:11So it's got a spin cycle?
0:11:11 > 0:11:13LAUGHTER
0:11:13 > 0:11:15So was he just trying to drum up a bit of business -
0:11:15 > 0:11:17on the adverts where they go, "It gets blood out.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19"Oh, I tell you what... HE MIMICS RIFLE FIRE
0:11:19 > 0:11:21"You'll be needing a washing machine."
0:11:21 > 0:11:26And I said a hoplophobe, and a hoplophobe is someone who hates weapons.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29I thought it was someone who's scared of hooplas.
0:11:29 > 0:11:30LAUGHTER
0:11:30 > 0:11:34According to urbandictionary.com - this literally is their definition -
0:11:34 > 0:11:37"An irrational fear of weapons, generally guns,
0:11:37 > 0:11:40"usually occurring as a result of a liberal upbringing,
0:11:40 > 0:11:43"or the fact the person is just a wimp in general.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45LAUGHTER
0:11:45 > 0:11:50"Rather than deal with the fear, said hoplophobe will assign human characteristics to a weapon,
0:11:50 > 0:11:54"ie. "guns are evil" or "guns kill",
0:11:54 > 0:11:59"to justify the fear rather than deal with the core problem of being a sissy."
0:11:59 > 0:12:01LAUGHTER
0:12:01 > 0:12:04- I'll tell you something.- Yeah? - He wrote that.
0:12:04 > 0:12:05LAUGHTER
0:12:06 > 0:12:07He may have done. Assault rifle.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11- ROSS: I bet he wrote it with a left-handed pen.- Don't play with it
0:12:11 > 0:12:15because they did ask that nobody else touch it because it's very valuable.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17I was going to make it go over the desk!
0:12:17 > 0:12:18LAUGHTER
0:12:18 > 0:12:23I'm sorry. I'm afraid I was given a specific, "Alan not to touch."
0:12:23 > 0:12:25LAUGHTER
0:12:25 > 0:12:27It's very valuable.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29I love the fact that somewhere there's a memo that just says,
0:12:29 > 0:12:33"Machine gun. For Stephen Fry's use only."
0:12:33 > 0:12:34LAUGHTER
0:12:34 > 0:12:35"What?!"
0:12:35 > 0:12:39Anyway, yes - the age-old problem of firing guns round corners
0:12:39 > 0:12:41has been sold by making guns that fire round corners.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Time to inject a bit of humour and hilarity, I reckon,
0:12:44 > 0:12:49so why did the bomb disposal expert go to the joke shop?
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Something you can get there that helps with bomb disposing?
0:12:54 > 0:12:56- Fake poos. - LAUGHTER
0:12:56 > 0:13:00- Take me through the chain of... - I don't know how...
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Is it er...whoopee cushions?
0:13:02 > 0:13:06Put a whoopee cushion under, to release the pressure plate?
0:13:06 > 0:13:09That's quite smart thinking. It's not that, actually.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12They're called ammunition technicians, and they use
0:13:12 > 0:13:15a thing you might get in a joke shop or a party shop...
0:13:15 > 0:13:17- A flower that sprays water. - It is something you spray.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20- Oh, is it that squirty stuff... - ROSS: Silly string.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24Silly string! Now, what use would silly string be?
0:13:24 > 0:13:27Does it fill up the fuse area and block everything up?
0:13:27 > 0:13:31No, it's not that. It's in case there are invisible tripwires -
0:13:31 > 0:13:34and you spray it, and they fall on the tripwire without triggering it.
0:13:34 > 0:13:39And particularly they have fluorescent silly string, so in dark corners where you might...
0:13:39 > 0:13:44There's always the possibility, because so many bombs are booby-trapped.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48It's nice that that's a real thing, but I just prefer them leaning over a bomb going...
0:13:48 > 0:13:49HE MIMICS PARTY HOOTER
0:13:50 > 0:13:52LAUGHTER
0:13:53 > 0:13:56- In a big Margaret Thatcher mask. - LAUGHTER
0:13:56 > 0:13:58With a rubber chicken.
0:13:58 > 0:14:04I have to say, that would have improved that film The Hurt Locker.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07- Yes!- "Hey-hey!"
0:14:07 > 0:14:10PHILL MIMICS NOISEMAKER
0:14:10 > 0:14:12PHILL MIMICS HORN
0:14:13 > 0:14:14Anyway...
0:14:14 > 0:14:19The army uses Silly String to check for tripwires in booby-trapped houses.
0:14:19 > 0:14:24From houses to holes, you can't fit a square peg in a round hole.
0:14:24 > 0:14:29So how would you make a square hole with a round drill?
0:14:29 > 0:14:31That's the question. Can it be done?
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Yes, Jack Dee?
0:14:33 > 0:14:37I would drill four small holes that, don't laugh before it's happened...
0:14:37 > 0:14:39LAUGHTER
0:14:39 > 0:14:43I might surprise you yet. I'm thinking while I talk.
0:14:43 > 0:14:48I would drill four small holes that would describe a square...
0:14:48 > 0:14:54- The corners?- Corners and then with a hacksaw I would join them and knock the square through.
0:14:54 > 0:15:01It's a way of punching a square into the surface, but there is actually a way of using a round drill bit.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Well, my way's better.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07That would be brilliant if it had gone "woo-woo"
0:15:07 > 0:15:10- at every word you said...- One day!
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Don't laugh before you've...
0:15:17 > 0:15:21There's a particular shape, a sort of circular triangle
0:15:21 > 0:15:25which when it revolves, a part of it makes a square.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27A circular triangle?
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Well...
0:15:29 > 0:15:30Oh, no, no, no!
0:15:30 > 0:15:34This is your first time. This sort of thing happens all the time!
0:15:34 > 0:15:37"It's a sort of circular triangle!"
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Yes and it makes a square!
0:15:42 > 0:15:45It's not the fact that I'm boggled by that,
0:15:45 > 0:15:48it's the fact I now realise there's a possibility
0:15:48 > 0:15:52that you could have a Toblerone-Rolo combo.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58I've dreamt about that for years.
0:15:58 > 0:16:02Do you know the weird thing? Do you know what will freak you out completely, Ross Noble?
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Is the name for this form a triangle is a Reuleaux.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09It genuinely is!
0:16:11 > 0:16:16You have to have points for that. You somehow found a triangle that was a Reuleaux .
0:16:16 > 0:16:20It's a Reuleaux triangle, that's what it's called. It's a very particular shape.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23If we come on this show and we discover things,
0:16:23 > 0:16:27what I like tonight is I've just discovered the best three words to hear in a Geordie accent
0:16:27 > 0:16:29are, "Toblerone-Rolo combo".
0:16:29 > 0:16:35Thanks, now everyone I meet's going to go, "Can you say Toblerone please?
0:16:35 > 0:16:38"Go on, Geordie man, dance for us."
0:16:38 > 0:16:40You've got to form a band now. Called that.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43- Me and Cheryl Cole?- Yes!
0:16:43 > 0:16:46LAUGHTER
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Her, me and Jimmy Nail as a trio.
0:16:49 > 0:16:53"Ladies and gentlemen, the Toblerone-Rolo Combo!"
0:16:53 > 0:16:56- You're not going to play the trombone?- The trombone?
0:16:56 > 0:16:58My God.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Right, OK...
0:17:00 > 0:17:03- Do you want to see a picture of this Reuleaux triangle?- Yes.
0:17:03 > 0:17:07- A Reuleaux triangle... - Is it only available in airports?
0:17:07 > 0:17:09No, let's roll it... There.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14Now you see that's a sort of round-ended triangle.
0:17:14 > 0:17:20There it is and that is the drill bit and it is describing a square, if you see, exactly.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Isn't that crazy?
0:17:22 > 0:17:24How loony is that?
0:17:24 > 0:17:27You've sickened me.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Now that shape may be familiar if you like cars and bikes.
0:17:32 > 0:17:36It's a type of piston, rotary piston which is known as a...
0:17:36 > 0:17:40- A Wankel.- A Wankel or "Vankel" if we prefer to say it that way.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44- Wankel was a bloke though, wasn't he? - He was. Mr Wankel was indeed a bloke.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47That's all you could do. If your name was Wankel.
0:17:47 > 0:17:52You'd go, "What are you going to do?" "Well it's going to have to be engines, isn't it?"
0:17:52 > 0:17:54"Or sex toys!"
0:17:54 > 0:17:58And I for one, looking at that, am glad that he went the engine path,
0:17:58 > 0:18:01because I can't see that being comfortable.
0:18:01 > 0:18:06No. So you can make a square hole with a round drill but...
0:18:06 > 0:18:08this is something more extraordinary in a way.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12This is from an ordinary cylinder.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15And all you do is just cut two wedges off it.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18As long as the cylinder is as long as it is wide,
0:18:18 > 0:18:23you cut the two wedges and you can do something again that you're not supposed to be able to do.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Ah! Wedge the door open on a rabbit hutch?
0:18:25 > 0:18:27LAUGHTER
0:18:27 > 0:18:30No, it's rather amazing.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33You've got the three Play School windows, you've got the square, the triangle...
0:18:33 > 0:18:37- You can push it into all of them. - That is a square now, look. See?
0:18:37 > 0:18:38It's a square.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45- Look. See, square? Square. - Go on. Put it through then.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Also it's...hang on.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50It's also a triangle.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52- Yes?- Triangle. And...it's a circle.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Isn't that amazing?
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Can I...?
0:18:58 > 0:19:04Can we just leave that, like at a playgroup and watch the kids' heads explode?
0:19:04 > 0:19:09Right, the fact is thanks to the wonders of geometry, it's quite possible to drill a square hole
0:19:09 > 0:19:12with a circular bit, which brings me round
0:19:12 > 0:19:16to a hypothetical question - what's made of jelly and lives forever?
0:19:16 > 0:19:19BICYCLE BELL TINGS
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Shark-infested custard? Wrong joke.
0:19:23 > 0:19:27- Is it a famous jelly? - Royal jelly. Bees?
0:19:27 > 0:19:30No. What lives and is made of jelly?
0:19:30 > 0:19:34- Jellyfish.- A jellyfish. What sort of jellyfish would live forever?
0:19:34 > 0:19:36- The Highlander! - An eternal jellyfish.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39An eternal, or as it is known, the immortal jellyfish.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43- The immortal jellyfish, as I was about to say.- Yes, you were.
0:19:43 > 0:19:49Turritopsis, is its proper name and the extraordinary thing about it is it doesn't die.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52What happens is after it sexes, er, after it sexes...
0:19:52 > 0:19:54I'm going to sex you!
0:19:56 > 0:19:58I'm a jellyfish and I'm going to sex you.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00After it's had sex is the normal way of saying it.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Have sex?
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Marjorie, shall we sex?! Come on!
0:20:06 > 0:20:10- We haven't sexed for a good week. - I can't talk now, I'm sexing.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15Why don't we say that? It's perfectly logical.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18- Some of us do say that! - There you are!
0:20:18 > 0:20:21But anyway, after it's sexed, it can then turn back into a child.
0:20:21 > 0:20:27It's cells change, function, the muscle cells and the sperm cells and the egg cells change back
0:20:27 > 0:20:33and it literally goes as it were back in time and just starts again. But it's the same creature.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36That would be a bit unnerving for its partner though.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38You know what I mean? You've just made love and then...
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Can we watch Grange Hill?
0:20:42 > 0:20:47Of course they do die, because they get eaten or they get diseased but they don't die of old age.
0:20:47 > 0:20:53I'm trying to work out which of those five phases is the emo one that doesn't talk to you for weeks.
0:20:54 > 0:21:00Well, now what about human attempts to be immortal or to rejuvenate at least?
0:21:00 > 0:21:04- What was the great popular one earlier in the 20th century? - Cliff Richard?
0:21:06 > 0:21:09- True.- Being frozen. Cryogenic.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13That doesn't rejuvenate, that's just waiting until there's a cure.
0:21:13 > 0:21:14Monkey glands, royal jelly.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17What do they mean by monkey glands?
0:21:17 > 0:21:20The glands of a monkey!
0:21:20 > 0:21:24They were not really glands though, were they? They were testicles.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Have... No!
0:21:26 > 0:21:30Yes! It started as human testicles, I'm sorry to say.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32They're perfectly round...
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Get them into my thimble!
0:21:34 > 0:21:40If you were to scale them up to the size of the Earth, they'd take hours to scratch.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42LAUGHTER
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Chinese farmers with rakes.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Monkey balls.
0:21:52 > 0:21:57Monkey balls. There was a man called Serge Voronoff who was a Russian who lived in Paris...
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Whoa! Hello, ladies!
0:22:00 > 0:22:03And I'm talking about the dude in the middle.
0:22:03 > 0:22:08It started as human testicles, he would inject parts of the human testicle...
0:22:08 > 0:22:12Hang on, injecting parts of the human testicle?
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Is that what he told the ladies, was it?
0:22:14 > 0:22:17It was very popular and in fact Wolverhampton Wanderers,
0:22:17 > 0:22:21they had a striker in the late 40s called Dennis Westcott
0:22:21 > 0:22:25and the manager, the manager of Wolverhampton Wanderers,
0:22:25 > 0:22:30I like this period in English football when managers were called things like Major Frank Buckley.
0:22:30 > 0:22:34You don't get many Majors managering football teams anymore.
0:22:34 > 0:22:35Or indeed sexing.
0:22:35 > 0:22:36Or indeed sexing.
0:22:36 > 0:22:42I love the fact that you did one impersonation of me and now you can't use grammar at all.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47"Next week's QI has been cancelled.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50"Noble has infected Fry's brain."
0:22:50 > 0:22:52- "Welcome to QI! Way-hey!"- Major...
0:22:54 > 0:22:57"Get the monkey balls out, we're sexing it tonight."
0:22:59 > 0:23:02ALAN IMITATES MONKEY
0:23:02 > 0:23:09Major Frank Buckley insisted on his striker being injected with monkey testicles
0:23:09 > 0:23:14and amazingly he went on to score 38 goals in 35 games. Then...
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Then married hundreds of monkeys!
0:23:17 > 0:23:20Then the manager of Plymouth made his team
0:23:20 > 0:23:23inject themselves or be injected with monkey...
0:23:23 > 0:23:25That's got to be an interesting team talk.
0:23:27 > 0:23:28What I want you to do, lads...
0:23:31 > 0:23:35But... It was very fashionable. The search for eternal youth.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38And now, look on my works, ye mighty, and despair.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40It's time for General Ignorance.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44How do snakes manage when their lunch is bigger than their head?
0:23:44 > 0:23:46- HARMONY: Ring-a-ding! - Yes, Ross?
0:23:46 > 0:23:47They dislocate their jaw?
0:23:47 > 0:23:51- Oh, Ross, you were doing so well! - KLAXON SOUNDS
0:23:52 > 0:23:54I'm so sorry. This is a common misapprehension.
0:23:54 > 0:23:58They don't do any such thing, they just have very stretchy wide mouths.
0:23:58 > 0:24:04They have a special bone which in mammals has become our anvil and other ear bones.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08The choice was I could either hear very well or eat something bigger than my head?
0:24:08 > 0:24:11Yes, essentially...
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Evolution!
0:24:15 > 0:24:16He can't hear you.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18But we've only got your word for it
0:24:18 > 0:24:20that that is a snake eating a mouse.
0:24:20 > 0:24:25That might be a new mouse creature that has a snake head.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28- It might! It's a lovely thought. - I'll have them points back, please.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Doesn't it slip out or something?
0:24:30 > 0:24:33No, it's a double-jointed hinge.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Is that what they use on snakeskin handbags?
0:24:36 > 0:24:37To get the...
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Gosh, that would be a very impressive handbag, wouldn't it?
0:24:40 > 0:24:45But sometimes they do over-reach themselves. There was a case in 2005 in the Everglades of Florida
0:24:45 > 0:24:50where a Burmese python attempted to eat a whole alligator
0:24:50 > 0:24:54and it got into it, that is an alligator inside a snake.
0:24:54 > 0:25:01But the alligator was still alive inside the snake and tore at the stomach and the python exploded.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05- So... isn't that not extraordinary? - Who lived? Who survived?
0:25:05 > 0:25:09I think the alligator was probably dead as well, unfortunately by this time.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12- So not a happy ending?- There were no winners.- No, no winners.
0:25:12 > 0:25:17What, you may ask, was a Burmese python doing in the middle of Florida?
0:25:17 > 0:25:20- He was on holiday.- He was on holiday!
0:25:20 > 0:25:23- A very popular destination! - It's a popular destination!
0:25:23 > 0:25:26They're popular pets and that's the reason they're in Florida,
0:25:26 > 0:25:29because they escape and they find the swamps very similar
0:25:29 > 0:25:32to the Burmese swamp "where the python romp", as Noel Coward puts it.
0:25:32 > 0:25:37So yes, snakes don't actually dislocate their jaws to swallow.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39They just have stretchy mouths.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43What does a judge do when he wants order in his court?
0:25:43 > 0:25:44Here?
0:25:44 > 0:25:47- Yes? - BICYCLE BELL TINGS
0:25:47 > 0:25:49He bangs his gavel.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52- No! - KLAXON SOUNDS
0:25:53 > 0:25:57British judges have never had gavels. They do on some television programmes.
0:25:57 > 0:26:01It may be because I think props people think it looks good but they've never had them.
0:26:01 > 0:26:06Sometimes if they're conducting an auction at the same time, they do.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09But it's unlikely that's going to happen.
0:26:09 > 0:26:10Auctioneers do have gavels.
0:26:10 > 0:26:15- Judges?- Judges don't have gavels. No. - You've got one there.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19I was a judge in Kingdom and I had a gavel in that.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22- You were. Oh, did you?- I think so, yes. I seem to remember.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26- We got that wrong.- Another reason why that show was cancelled!
0:26:28 > 0:26:32British judges have never used gavels, unlike American judges.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35That's it! We've hobbled our way through higgledy-piggledy hodgepodge
0:26:35 > 0:26:39and all that remains is the humiliation of the final scores.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41My goodness, my gracious, my knee.
0:26:41 > 0:26:47Holding his head high this week with a staggering plus 2 points is Jack Dee!
0:26:47 > 0:26:48Yes.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51APPLAUSE
0:26:53 > 0:26:54And...
0:26:55 > 0:27:00Holding his own in second place, a very creditable entry in to the QI stakes
0:27:00 > 0:27:03is our newcomer Ross Noble with -6.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05APPLAUSE
0:27:09 > 0:27:14Oh, what a triumph here because holding out the hope of greater things, it's Alan on -8.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Well done.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20Which means sadly...
0:27:20 > 0:27:26hanging his head in shame on -10, is Phill Jupitus.
0:27:26 > 0:27:27APPLAUSE
0:27:33 > 0:27:37That's all from this heterogeneous edition of QI,
0:27:37 > 0:27:40so it's good night from Jack, Phill, Ross, Alan and me.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42And I leave you with this - good night.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44APPLAUSE
0:28:01 > 0:28:04Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:04 > 0:28:07E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk