0:00:23 > 0:00:25APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Well, hello.
0:00:32 > 0:00:37Hello, hello, hello and welcome to QI
0:00:37 > 0:00:41for a bracing dose of health and safety gone mad.
0:00:41 > 0:00:46Tonight's community safety officers are the health conscious David Mitchell.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:49 > 0:00:53The heavily insured Ross Noble.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:57 > 0:01:00The discreetly dangerous Jeremy Clarkson.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:04 > 0:01:08And an accident waiting to happen - Alan Davies.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:12 > 0:01:14WHISTLING
0:01:14 > 0:01:19So at a signal from me, activate your hazard warning indicators, please, gentlemen.
0:01:19 > 0:01:20Ross goes...
0:01:20 > 0:01:23- SUBMARINE ALARM - 'Dive! Dive! Dive!'
0:01:23 > 0:01:24David goes...
0:01:24 > 0:01:26'Stand clear of the doors, please.'
0:01:27 > 0:01:28Jeremy goes...
0:01:28 > 0:01:32'Vehicle reversing, vehicle reversing.'
0:01:32 > 0:01:33And Alan goes...
0:01:33 > 0:01:35'Don't touch the button!'
0:01:37 > 0:01:41Now, to demonstrate our sincere commitment to health and safety,
0:01:41 > 0:01:43we've made you all fill in some forms earlier,
0:01:43 > 0:01:45which I hope you've all done.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48- Why is there a picture of Richard Whiteley?- Because...
0:01:48 > 0:01:54- You can take your hat off, if you like.- Thanks. Because my hair would be ruined.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Yes. We can't have that. You all took the...
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Fly away hair?
0:02:02 > 0:02:09You all took the Whiteley test, which is a test for hypochondriasis,
0:02:09 > 0:02:11to test whether or not you are hypochondriacs.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14- The test was a stupid test, though. - Tests are, as a rule.
0:02:14 > 0:02:20- What was stupid about it?- Every question, you had to answer 1 to 5.
0:02:20 > 0:02:221 meant not at all, 2 meant a little bit,
0:02:22 > 0:02:26- 3 moderately, 4 quite a lot, 5 loads and loads.- Yeah.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28And then one of the questions was,
0:02:28 > 0:02:30"Do you worry about your health a lot?"
0:02:30 > 0:02:35How can you answer, "I moderately worry about my health a lot"?
0:02:35 > 0:02:37"I worry about my health a lot a little bit"?
0:02:37 > 0:02:39"I worry about my health a lot a lot."
0:02:40 > 0:02:45- The answers didn't go with the questions.- They didn't think it through, did they?
0:02:45 > 0:02:47How long did they spend on it? Three minutes?
0:02:47 > 0:02:49It was four, they're idiots.
0:02:50 > 0:02:54- OK. Here we are. Ross...- Yes. - ..you scored 20.- Right.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58- And any score between 14 and 28 is not a hypochondriac.- Right.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00My tendency with those things
0:03:00 > 0:03:04- is to put the thing, basically, all the way through the middle.- Yes.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07"Do you want to kill children?" Moderately.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12I don't want to be too much either way.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14This test is all about
0:03:14 > 0:03:17- how much are you worried about your health...- Yes.
0:03:17 > 0:03:21..but the results are meaningless unless we also have medicals.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23It may be that Ross is at death's door,
0:03:23 > 0:03:26in which case he's an idiot for being so laid back.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30- That's true.- Or maybe one of us who's obsessed with our health
0:03:30 > 0:03:34is also at death's door, in which case that's a very sane response.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38Once again, your relentless, urgent and slightly worried logic
0:03:38 > 0:03:40is making this a nonsense.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43- Ruining the programme again. - No, it's not, it's spot on.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46- But...- I didn't read the questions. - Didn't you?- No.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50You always put 5. That's the point of those things.
0:03:50 > 0:03:55I'm either absolutely terrified of it or not bothered at all.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58This explains why Alan is a mild hypochondriac,
0:03:58 > 0:04:03Ross is not a hypochondriac, David is a borderline hypochondriac
0:04:03 > 0:04:07- and you are dangerously a hypochondriac.- That's it.
0:04:07 > 0:04:12Actually, I am. I didn't know it was about hypochondria because I didn't read the questions.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15But I am. I've got every single disease there is, really every one.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19- Are you telling me you've got elephantitis?- Yes.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23I've got a twisted testicle, a hideous skin disease, two slipped discs
0:04:23 > 0:04:26- a very dodgy elbow... - # And a partridge in a pear tree. #
0:04:26 > 0:04:29I've got every conceivable disease there is.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32I went outside for a cigarette before the show
0:04:32 > 0:04:36and I thought, "For once, I'm not going to get lung cancer because I'm wearing this."
0:04:37 > 0:04:42You know who I feel sorry for the most is construction-working goths.
0:04:42 > 0:04:47- Oh!- Cos they love a black outfit. That's what they have to wear.
0:04:47 > 0:04:51But they've got to earn a living and this goes against everything they stand for.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55- It's not fair.- These are reflective. They could have just the reflectors.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Ah. Would you want a reflective goth?
0:05:00 > 0:05:02I would. I'd like one in my house.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Bring out the reflective goth.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Emos are quite dark as well, aren't they?
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Yeah but they're not the full goth.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14I'd love to see an act called Rod Hull and Emo.
0:05:18 > 0:05:24"Are you going to attack someone?" "No. I'll just be in my room."
0:05:25 > 0:05:26What is hypochondria?
0:05:26 > 0:05:29It's people not expecting to have aches and pains
0:05:29 > 0:05:32and thinking therefore it's very serious.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36A hypochondriac is someone who, if they have a headache, thinks it's a tumour.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39It's an aneurysm. I had one about an hour ago.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42- A brain tumour?- An aneurysm. - An aneurysm.
0:05:42 > 0:05:46I could feel the artery going... right in the middle. Agony.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49And did it go right down into your testicles?
0:05:50 > 0:05:52It's entirely... That's a different... Anyway.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54I definitely had one earlier.
0:05:54 > 0:05:59Most people have headaches, I have savage pains like lightning bolts.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Most people have headaches but your headaches are in your head.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04They're 5.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08People moan about their sore knees.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11It's not the same as when it's my knee.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14And with this test, what does it mean
0:06:14 > 0:06:17if you write the answers in your own blood?
0:06:19 > 0:06:22- That would mess with their heads, wouldn't it?- It would.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25- Not as bad as if you write it in somebody else's blood.- You're right.
0:06:25 > 0:06:31Now, how would you use one of these to save someone from drowning?
0:06:31 > 0:06:37I've got one here. I'm going to have to put gloves on because I'm not allowed to touch it.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39It's from the Wellcome Collection,
0:06:39 > 0:06:42one of the best medical collections in the world.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44He could save himself by, for example, swimming.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48- Yeah.- Rather than going, "Huhhhh!"
0:06:48 > 0:06:52Imagine somebody had landed up on a beach, almost dead from drowning,
0:06:52 > 0:06:54- and I had one of these. - Is it a bellows?
0:06:54 > 0:06:56It is a bellows. It's a set of bellows.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00- You just pump air into his lungs. - You'd think that but no.
0:07:00 > 0:07:05- Are we saving him from drowning...? - Alan, repeat what you said.
0:07:05 > 0:07:09- Up his bum.- Yes. It's up the bottom but it isn't air.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11- There's more to it than that. - Is it spit?
0:07:11 > 0:07:14- No.- Brandy!- You unscrew that and you put tobacco in...
0:07:14 > 0:07:19- Are you ordering?- Tobacco?- Tobacco. And you light it. It's smoke.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21- Up the bottom?- Yes.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24There's several flaws with your argument.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Chief among which, if you're drowning, you're in water,
0:07:27 > 0:07:30which is going to put it out.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34Secondly, who's got time to fill that with tobacco and light it?
0:07:34 > 0:07:39- And thirdly, it's rubbish. - Yeah. These are all strong arguments.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42It's basically if you're trying to resuscitate someone
0:07:42 > 0:07:45and it's not like someone once wrote it might be a good idea,
0:07:45 > 0:07:49this was general mainstream medical belief
0:07:49 > 0:07:52and these were hung up all along the Thames
0:07:52 > 0:07:55on the embankment and on canals and waterways
0:07:55 > 0:07:59and people were expected to know, as you might be expected to know where a fire extinguisher is,
0:07:59 > 0:08:01where the bellows were.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05And you fill that with tobacco and presumably you puff it like a pipe
0:08:05 > 0:08:07having washed it from its previous use,
0:08:07 > 0:08:11and then, "Fu-cha, fu-cha," like that.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14- So it would be next to the life ring thing?- Yes.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17- So you throw the ring and drag them in...- It seems bonkers.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20What happened in the 17th... There's an example.
0:08:22 > 0:08:23There you are.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27This was before this was invented and you needed someone with a pipe...
0:08:27 > 0:08:28"Blow, man, for God's sake!"
0:08:28 > 0:08:32"Is it sucking or blowing? I can't remember."
0:08:34 > 0:08:37"I think it's blowing." "I don't know."
0:08:37 > 0:08:40"Be sure, man, he's drowning." "I'll suck first."
0:08:40 > 0:08:45So is it just the shock of the sensation of having smoke blown up your arse
0:08:45 > 0:08:48that makes you splutter back into life?
0:08:48 > 0:08:52Who knows. Apparently, in the 18th century, in the late 1700s,
0:08:52 > 0:08:56a woman was found drowning and almost dead
0:08:56 > 0:08:58and people tried the normal things
0:08:58 > 0:09:01and someone suggested blowing smoke up her arse.
0:09:01 > 0:09:06There was a point where they went, "Kiss of life?" "Just wait a second."
0:09:06 > 0:09:10- Exactly.- "Hand me that pipe."
0:09:10 > 0:09:13So what it is, clearly, is someone managed to get better from drowning
0:09:13 > 0:09:17at a moment coincident with someone having smoke blown up their arse
0:09:17 > 0:09:20and then for years, poor other people,
0:09:20 > 0:09:23on top the indignity of nearly drowning, have had to face that.
0:09:23 > 0:09:28It could have been worse. It could have coincided with having his eyes gouged out by crows.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31- That's true.- "Go on, gouge his eyes out with crows!"
0:09:31 > 0:09:34It would be a beautiful sight, though.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38We've blown the smoke up there and the person splutters back to life
0:09:38 > 0:09:40and takes off with the smoke coming out the back.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Look at the speed they're going at!
0:09:43 > 0:09:47- The bloke on left looks like he's going to rob his trousers.- He does.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49There's always a villain in 18th century London.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51He's generating the smoke.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54They didn't have an all-in-one device like this,
0:09:54 > 0:09:56- so the one on the right has the pipe. - Christ.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58So he has to French-kiss the one...
0:09:58 > 0:10:02This has nothing to do with saving a drowning man.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04- It isn't.- Perversions of Old London.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07- We've got another picture, as well. - Oh, excellent.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10We did have... There you are.
0:10:11 > 0:10:15He's not drowning. He's just in the pub. He's just in the pub.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18It's that scene from Pulp Fiction, with...
0:10:19 > 0:10:22This is actually... This is bad
0:10:22 > 0:10:25because people can say at almost any point, "I think I might be drowning,"
0:10:25 > 0:10:27if they fancy this sort of thing.
0:10:27 > 0:10:31As if that isn't bad enough and that doesn't look wrong enough,
0:10:31 > 0:10:33the bloke in the background went,
0:10:33 > 0:10:35"I think I'll get me donkey in on this."
0:10:35 > 0:10:37It's like...
0:10:39 > 0:10:43"Oh, when you said, 'Blow smoke up my ass,' I thought..."
0:10:43 > 0:10:46APPLAUSE Maybe. I don't know.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Oh, dear.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51I know. What a strange world we lived in
0:10:51 > 0:10:54but that was mainstream medical science.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Oh, God. That's got stuck in me throat, that.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00- The bellows!- No, you don't!
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Yes, it used to be thought that the best way to revive a drowning man
0:11:05 > 0:11:07was by pumping tobacco smoke up his backside.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Speaking of life-saving devices, I have some here
0:11:10 > 0:11:13and I'd like you to tell me what you think they're for.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15These are the real thing.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18And they are there to save lives.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22How would that save your life? Can you see?
0:11:22 > 0:11:27You've got to look at your neighbour to see what you look like
0:11:27 > 0:11:30and see if you can work out how this could be of any use.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36- Is it for doing complicated experiments?- Not really.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40It's if you're dealing with some animal that doesn't like being looked at in the eye.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Oh, Alan, you are on sparkling form. You're absolutely right.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47- What sort of animal?- A bear? - Not a bear, actually, in this case.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50- Some dogs don't like it.- Plenty of animals don't.- Ants hate it.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Ants? Not so much ants, to be honest, David.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56- Bears don't like it. - It's great that you're trying.
0:11:56 > 0:12:01- But not ants. - A tiger or a lion or a cat?
0:12:01 > 0:12:05- It's a big primate.- Ooh, gorilla. - It's a bear!- No, a big primate. It's a gorilla.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09- You'll see it has written on the side of it there...- Gorilla.- ..in Dutch
0:12:09 > 0:12:11- HE SPEAKS DUTCH - But just a moment...
0:12:11 > 0:12:13And then it says "Bokito kijker",
0:12:13 > 0:12:18which means, "Bokito viewer" - kijker is to look.
0:12:18 > 0:12:23The trouble with these is is it does look a bit like you're going...
0:12:23 > 0:12:25- and then...- But gorillas like that.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29- But...- They like that. What they don't like is a long, loving look.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32In Rotterdam zoo there was a gorilla called Bokito
0:12:32 > 0:12:34and a woman thought she was bonding with him
0:12:34 > 0:12:39and she would sit and smile and gaze lovingly into his big brown eyes
0:12:39 > 0:12:43and that is the worst thing you can do to a silverback, a dominant male.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47And one day he just grabbed her. He leapt over. He bit her 100 times
0:12:47 > 0:12:52and he broke many of her bones and she was very nearly killed by him.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55And she was revived by smoke being blown up her arse.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Fortunately, being Dutch...
0:12:58 > 0:13:01I'd like to have a pair in case I get pulled over for speeding.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06"Do you know why you're being pulled over?" "I have no idea."
0:13:06 > 0:13:09"Where are you? Where have you gone?
0:13:09 > 0:13:11"You big gorilla, you."
0:13:12 > 0:13:15We went to the zoo and my mate, he's an odd bloke anyway.
0:13:15 > 0:13:19We were in the monkey enclosure and he was staring at a monkey
0:13:19 > 0:13:21for ages.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24The monkey stared back at him and went like this.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29- Hello!- Yeah.- And what did that mean, do we think?
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Well, they're married now, so...
0:13:33 > 0:13:37- Yeah.- If you're feeling a bit sad, can you put them on upside down?
0:13:37 > 0:13:40- Oh.- I suppose you could, yes.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44So this woman thought she was getting on well with this gorilla
0:13:44 > 0:13:47- and the gorilla was thinking, "I hate that."- Yes.
0:13:47 > 0:13:51"I'm going to do something, at some point, I'm going to crack."
0:13:51 > 0:13:55But did they check that it wasn't just an incredibly annoying woman?
0:13:57 > 0:14:00- They didn't put the gorilla down? - He was tranquillised.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04After attacking her, he went into a cafe and caused a bit of a sensation,
0:14:04 > 0:14:05as you can imagine.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07"Cappuccino. Don't look at me!"
0:14:09 > 0:14:13- To be perfectly honest...- "Here he comes. What would you like, sir?"
0:14:14 > 0:14:18"A cappuccino and a packet of biscuits? We'll bring it over.
0:14:18 > 0:14:19"No, it's on the house."
0:14:19 > 0:14:22"I'm sorry that the cappuccino isn't actually in the cup
0:14:22 > 0:14:24"but I'm not looking properly."
0:14:24 > 0:14:26That would be a nightmare. If you had those on
0:14:26 > 0:14:29- and the cappuccinos were there... - Yes.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31..or the cappuccinos were there
0:14:31 > 0:14:34and the gorilla goes, "Why are you looking at cappuccinos there?"
0:14:34 > 0:14:37The gorilla would think you were giving him the shoddy one.
0:14:37 > 0:14:42- It's just a nightmare.- Would dark glasses not do?- They would.
0:14:42 > 0:14:46To be honest, this was more or less a publicity gimmick
0:14:46 > 0:14:48by a health insurance company
0:14:48 > 0:14:51but it emphasised the fact, also, and they gave them out at the zoo,
0:14:51 > 0:14:55don't look directly into the eyes of Bokito the gorilla.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57The other option is, you don't have to wear these,
0:14:57 > 0:15:00you could just hide under a picnic table and you'll be fine.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03- I would say so. - Why are they hiding under...?
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Because there's a bloody big gorilla.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10The fact is, if you don't want to be beaten up by a gorilla,
0:15:10 > 0:15:13arm yourself with anti-gorilla spectacles and you should be fine.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Your safety is always our priority.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20Now it's time for a round of "You're the health and safety officer."
0:15:20 > 0:15:25What equipment do children need to play conkers?
0:15:26 > 0:15:29- Don't say it.- They're not allowed to, are they?- If...
0:15:29 > 0:15:32- We haven't heard that noise.- No? Goggles, are you saying?- Yeah.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35ALARMS GO OFF Ah, you see that's...
0:15:35 > 0:15:40I'm afraid, much as we may deprecate the health and safety culture
0:15:40 > 0:15:41of our country,
0:15:41 > 0:15:43that whole thing was absolute nonsense.
0:15:43 > 0:15:47- It was a school near Carlisle... - I was going to say Cumbria.- Right.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50And the headmaster didn't like health and safety
0:15:50 > 0:15:52and to make a joke of it,
0:15:52 > 0:15:54he issued his schoolchildren with these goggles
0:15:54 > 0:15:57and said, "The way it's going, this is how you have to play."
0:15:57 > 0:15:59And all the papers, of course...
0:15:59 > 0:16:05Why, if we're dismissing the notion that schools are pro massive injuries,
0:16:05 > 0:16:08- did they close when it was a bit snowy and icy?- I don't know.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11I'm not saying there isn't a health and safety culture,
0:16:11 > 0:16:14merely that the conkers one was all made up.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18The best thing to do and I do this every time I go to the supermarket.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21You see these yellow things here, wet floor,
0:16:21 > 0:16:25I like to walk along there and then just fall
0:16:25 > 0:16:28so your bum hits the top of it and it goes "Bang!" like that.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32And you lie there going, "Oh, my God," and people are going, "Are you all right?"
0:16:32 > 0:16:34And you go, "Some idiot's left this thing here."
0:16:34 > 0:16:38It just freaks them out and they just can't handle it
0:16:38 > 0:16:39and they're, "Aaarrghhh!"
0:16:39 > 0:16:43There should be a "Warning - wet floor sign" sign, shouldn't there?
0:16:43 > 0:16:47Yeah, getting progressively... Starting small and building up
0:16:47 > 0:16:49to the actual one itself.
0:16:49 > 0:16:53OK, good. All you need to play conkers are conkers and string.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Now, speaking as a health and safety officer,
0:16:56 > 0:16:59why would I stick my finger up your bottom...
0:17:00 > 0:17:07if you couldn't name seven bald men, apart from Yul Brynner?
0:17:07 > 0:17:10That is one of the oddest questions I've ever asked anyone.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14- I can name seven bald men, easily. - You can?
0:17:14 > 0:17:19- Well, then I won't have to put my finger up your bottom. - Ross Kemp. Kojak.- Telly Savalas.
0:17:19 > 0:17:24- You can't mention him, though.- Er... - Does Kojak and Telly Savalas count as two?- Blofeld.
0:17:24 > 0:17:29- Blofeld.- That's three and I'm struggling to name any more.
0:17:29 > 0:17:34- I may have to put my finger up your bottom.- Duncan Goodhew. - Duncan Goodhew.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37- Famously bald.- Matt Lucas. - Matt Lucas is pretty bald.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40We're terrified! We've got to get to seven.
0:17:41 > 0:17:46- I'm not going to put my finger up any of your bottoms. - And don't blow smoke up my arse.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48- That guy over there. - You haven't named him, have you?
0:17:48 > 0:17:51- Is this...?- Willy Thorne!
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Sorry. Sorry.
0:17:53 > 0:17:58You know you're supposed to put your finger up a dog's bum if it's biting you?
0:17:58 > 0:18:02I didn't know that. I didn't know that.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Yeah, bull terriers, dogs like that, because their jaws lock
0:18:05 > 0:18:08and the only way you can make them release it, finger up the bum.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12- OK.- Oh, no. You can use a stick or other implement.
0:18:12 > 0:18:17The dog doesn't go, "Is that a pen? I'm not releasing him."
0:18:20 > 0:18:22APPLAUSE Thank you, Ross.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26I think it would show considerable sang-froid
0:18:26 > 0:18:31to take out a pen while a dog is clamped to your arm.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35"I will... No, no, not the fountain pen, just a Bic."
0:18:37 > 0:18:39But to be fair, to be fair,
0:18:39 > 0:18:43the dog in my scenario is also a talking dog,
0:18:43 > 0:18:46so you can go, "Have you been on your holidays?"
0:18:46 > 0:18:48"Well, the thing is... Oh! I let go!"
0:18:48 > 0:18:52Tell it a joke. It'll go, "Ha, ha, ha!"
0:18:52 > 0:18:55OK, good, that's nice but...
0:18:55 > 0:18:59- coming back to... - Coming back to your question.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02I supposing you had this problem that I wanted to cure,
0:19:02 > 0:19:05one of the ways to cure it might be to get you name seven bald men.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09Another way might be to drink water while a friend plugs your ears.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11- Hiccups!- Hiccups.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13There are many supposed cures for hiccups.
0:19:13 > 0:19:18Thinking of bald people does something to your brain that apparently can help you.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21But there is only one absolutely sure-fire medical way
0:19:21 > 0:19:23of stopping hiccups and that is...
0:19:23 > 0:19:28- Death.- ..digital rectal massage,
0:19:28 > 0:19:31- putting a finger up a bottom and having a wiggle.- Digital...
0:19:31 > 0:19:35I never knew that the bottom was a passage to so many cures.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38It's what I'm here to tell you, Jeremy.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41I thought it was just a means of expelling excrement but no.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44When you say digital rectal massage,
0:19:44 > 0:19:48was there a point where it changed from analogue rectal massage?
0:19:50 > 0:19:52APPLAUSE
0:19:52 > 0:19:54I think I remember because...
0:19:54 > 0:19:57I think there was a big campaign on the TV at the time
0:19:57 > 0:20:01- and they would go... - People were going, "Oh, no, it's not a very good signal."
0:20:01 > 0:20:04"I'll go up on the roof and adjust the aerial."
0:20:04 > 0:20:07- I tell you what...- "Hurry up."
0:20:07 > 0:20:10I tell you what, I can't wait till 2012.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14It's somehow colder, the digital. It's not as warm as the analogue.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16- But it's a lot more vivid.- It is.
0:20:17 > 0:20:18Spell hiccup.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20H-IC-C-O-U-G-H.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23- Why is it pronounced...?- Oh! ALARM GOES OFF
0:20:24 > 0:20:27It's considered an error. It's considered an error.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30- It's always written like that in the paper.- It shouldn't be.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33- Every newspaper has a house style. - True.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36A lot of people do spell it like that
0:20:36 > 0:20:39but it's an erroneous back formation
0:20:39 > 0:20:42because it was considered something to do with a cough but it's not.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45The Old English was always hiccup spelt in different ways
0:20:45 > 0:20:48with Ys and CKs and "hiccop" and various things.
0:20:48 > 0:20:53Anyway, digital rectal massage is the only proven cure for chronic hiccups,
0:20:53 > 0:20:58although there are plenty of folk remedies if you don't have any rubber gloves handy.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Now, what about the Working At Height Directive?
0:21:01 > 0:21:05What should somebody having an out of body experience look out for
0:21:05 > 0:21:07as they near the ceiling?
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Spinning fans. Ceiling fans, is it?
0:21:10 > 0:21:14Well, yes, but presumably their spirit can go through the fan.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17They should look out for a couple of undertakers coming in
0:21:17 > 0:21:20- and taking their body away. - That's the kind of thing.
0:21:20 > 0:21:24- Is this something to do with health and safety?- Not really.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27It's to do with the nature of the out of body experience.
0:21:27 > 0:21:31A doctor at the University of Southampton has undertaken a three-year test in 25 hospitals
0:21:31 > 0:21:33to see if it really is possible.
0:21:33 > 0:21:38And the way he's done it is on top of cupboards and shelves
0:21:38 > 0:21:41he's put randomly generated pictures,
0:21:41 > 0:21:46so that if someone genuinely had risen up above that level
0:21:46 > 0:21:48and looked down and then survived,
0:21:48 > 0:21:52they're asked to fill in a form and say what they'd seen.
0:21:52 > 0:21:57I think they'd be more focused on their own chances of life and death than something on top of a cupboard.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00But that isn't the history of what people say.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04The anecdotal evidence is that they look down and describe what they've seen.
0:22:04 > 0:22:08It's a long shot, let's be honest, but it's a genuine experiment.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10They should put like a £20 note up here
0:22:10 > 0:22:13and then when they go, "Oh, thank God I'm alive,"
0:22:13 > 0:22:15and they're just looking slyly.
0:22:15 > 0:22:19"I'll just wait till the doctors leave. I'll be cashing in."
0:22:19 > 0:22:22It may be better psychology. You can suggest it to him.
0:22:22 > 0:22:26- What are the results of this survey? - Dr Sam Parnia did it.
0:22:26 > 0:22:30It's due to be announced in 2011 and we called him up
0:22:30 > 0:22:33and he refused to give us the scoop, so we just don't know.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36How annoyed would you be if you did all that research
0:22:36 > 0:22:39and it turned out that the top of thing was so dusty
0:22:39 > 0:22:41you couldn't see the picture?
0:22:41 > 0:22:43- You'd be like, "Oh!" - That would be annoying.
0:22:43 > 0:22:47OBEs, they're called. Out of body experiences.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50I reckon it will turn out
0:22:50 > 0:22:53that they can't see the things on the top of the cupboards.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56That's what I think.
0:22:56 > 0:23:00If you're having an out of body experience, check what's on top of the cupboards.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03And now it's time to proceed with extreme caution
0:23:03 > 0:23:06as we approach the hazardous environment of General Ignorance.
0:23:06 > 0:23:10Please place your fingers carefully on the appropriate location.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Which of these birds would you trust to take home with you?
0:23:16 > 0:23:19I'm sorry, I should put that better.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Which of these birds would you trust to take you home?
0:23:21 > 0:23:25You've been confusing me with your dirty talk.
0:23:26 > 0:23:30So the question is, is a blind pigeon better than a one-eyed robin?
0:23:30 > 0:23:33Yeah, or a particular one-eyed robin, because one is...
0:23:33 > 0:23:34'Vehicle reversing!'
0:23:34 > 0:23:40- It's the pigeon.- The pigeon? - It follows magnetic lines. It doesn't need eyes for that.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43You're right. The pigeon could take you home
0:23:43 > 0:23:48but so could the robin on the right, the one whose left eye is covered.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51The one of the left whose right eye is covered
0:23:51 > 0:23:52couldn't navigate at all.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54- Cos he's pissed.- No.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57Because his right eye is covered. That's the weird thing.
0:23:57 > 0:24:02- So the left eye is just ornamental, is it?- It really is peculiar.
0:24:02 > 0:24:09We know, now, that they use magnetism to navigate in their long journeys.
0:24:09 > 0:24:14We know this because you can disorient them, pigeons and robins,
0:24:14 > 0:24:18by placing magnets near them and they suddenly no longer know where to go.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20But they also need to see,
0:24:20 > 0:24:23that's to say, they're not just sensing it.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26They obviously see some magnetic flux
0:24:26 > 0:24:28in the way that we see light and colour or whatever.
0:24:28 > 0:24:32But the weird thing they discovered, gosh knows why they tried it,
0:24:32 > 0:24:38that a robin, it's only its right eye that sees the magnetism.
0:24:38 > 0:24:42With its left eye covered, it can find its way using magnetism
0:24:42 > 0:24:45but with its right eye covered, it can't.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49So like an Apache helicopter pilot. They have to have binocular rivalry, they call it.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52So you're saying it would be physically impossible
0:24:52 > 0:24:56for a pigeon, a homing pigeon, to deliver a fridge magnet?
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Yes.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03- It's a shocker. - No wonder my business failed.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07- Ridiculous.- You're right. It is a shocker.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11What do they think, if the robin's right eye can see magnetism...
0:25:11 > 0:25:14They think it's controlled in the left brain.
0:25:14 > 0:25:18- What's the left eye's special power? - It's just an ordinary seeing eye.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21- Or maybe it can see smells. - Maybe it can.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Like a sort of Bisto brown thing, you know?
0:25:24 > 0:25:26It can see deliciousness.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30There's clearly more work to be done.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33It seems that robins detect magnetic fields with their right eye
0:25:33 > 0:25:36but that pigeons can do it blindfold.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Why shouldn't you drink on antibiotics?
0:25:39 > 0:25:42- Ah... - 'Dive! Dive!'
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Because that's what doctors say.
0:25:44 > 0:25:48All the time. And operate machinery, as well.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51Oh, and just heavy machinery. Any sort of machinery, that's fine.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53A sewing machine, you can do that.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56You can operate a sewing machine off your tits.
0:25:57 > 0:25:58But not the space shuttle.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01You sort of... You can, really, can't you?
0:26:01 > 0:26:04They just don't want you to have too much fun.
0:26:04 > 0:26:08It's like you can use a mobile phone in a petrol station.
0:26:08 > 0:26:12When antibiotics arrived, it was mostly in the 1940s
0:26:12 > 0:26:15and one of the first things that antibiotics was brilliant at
0:26:15 > 0:26:17was syphilis.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19and so they gave men with syphilis antibiotics
0:26:19 > 0:26:24and the trouble is, they'd still be infectious for the first week of taking the antibiotics
0:26:24 > 0:26:28and so they would say to them, "Don't get drunk, don't drink,"
0:26:28 > 0:26:30because, basically... Keep your trousers on.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33- So it's tradition. It's tradition. - Yes.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37I'm told when they give me antibiotics for my endless array of diseases,
0:26:37 > 0:26:39they say don't drink.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42They're just doing that for traditional...
0:26:42 > 0:26:45There are some antibiotics, there's one, I think it's called Flagyl,
0:26:45 > 0:26:49which is like Antabuse, which will make you vomit, it's really horrific.
0:26:49 > 0:26:53It doesn't stop the antibiotic working but you feel awful.
0:26:53 > 0:26:59I hate being in the pub with someone going, "I'm on antibiotics. I better not."
0:26:59 > 0:27:00I'll go, "Whoa!"
0:27:00 > 0:27:03It's great that you say it's tradition, actually.
0:27:03 > 0:27:07That's made me so much less likely to drink on antibiotics now.
0:27:07 > 0:27:11- Really?- If it's traditional, I'll go, "Well, that's fine.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14"I respect traditions. I like these traditions.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18"If we stop observing them, they'll disappear."
0:27:18 > 0:27:21Surely by that logic, you'd be dressed as morris dancer?
0:27:23 > 0:27:25- That's not a good thing. - We do all sorts of...
0:27:25 > 0:27:29Christmas lunch, I wear a stupid paper hat
0:27:29 > 0:27:32- that makes my scalp itch. - Yes, that's true.
0:27:32 > 0:27:36And I wouldn't want to stop doing that just for a reduction in scalp discomfort.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39Well spoken. Very true.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42So, yes, with a few specific exceptions -
0:27:42 > 0:27:43please ask your doctor -
0:27:43 > 0:27:48there is no general pharmacological reason not to mix antibiotics and alcohol.
0:27:48 > 0:27:49Which brings us to the scores.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Oh, and how interesting they are.
0:27:52 > 0:27:56Safe as houses tonight with a very healthy lead of plus 6 points
0:27:56 > 0:27:58is our winner, David Mitchell!
0:27:58 > 0:28:00- APPLAUSE - Oh!
0:28:03 > 0:28:09Followed... Followed at a reasonably safe distance with plus 2
0:28:09 > 0:28:10by Ross Noble!
0:28:10 > 0:28:12APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:28:14 > 0:28:17In third place with minus 4 is Jeremy Clarkson.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20- APPLAUSE AND CHEERING - I thought I'd come last.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24But I think I'm safe in saying
0:28:24 > 0:28:27that tonight's loser with minus 6 is Alan Davies.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30- APPLAUSE AND CHEERING - How did I get minus 6?
0:28:35 > 0:28:39Well, it's thanks from David, Jeremy, Ross, Alan and me
0:28:39 > 0:28:41and I leave you with this thought from Mark Twain.
0:28:41 > 0:28:45"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."
0:28:45 > 0:28:48Take care and good night. APPLAUSE
0:29:08 > 0:29:10Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:10 > 0:29:11E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk